#if you have experience with that it'd be cool if you commented or reblogged about it

[lattedecoffee]

CW for a family member dying young (of sickness)

I’m not gonna make talking about my religious upbringing like a common thing on this blog or anything, but this post is so accurate holy shit. When my uncle passed away he was only 40. My grandparents lost one of their sons. My dad lost his little brother.

I was like 13 at the time and already questioning Christianity, but this sealed the deal for me. I couldn’t comprehend an omnipotent, omniscient, and all-loving god. Two of the three I could believe (not omnipotent means they know about all the suffering but can’t stop it; not omniscient means they could stop all the suffering but don’t know about it; not all-loving means they know about all the suffering and could stop it but don’t care), but all three was impossible. I still believe that to this day.

My thoughts on religious people in general have softened since my angsty early teen years (current view is: so long as you don’t try to convert others and don’t use it as an excuse for bigotry idgaf what your religious beliefs are), but it still irks me when people talk about how “god has a plan” or that the bad thing happened for a reason. I don’t care about some fucking plan: a man died far younger than anyone should have to die, and a mother had to bury her own child. Even if it was ever proven that there was a plan, the fact that people I know and don’t know have had a suffer so much for its sake would make me hate that plan. 

(I should clarify that my religious upbringing was super mild and chill. Denomination, for those that care, was United Methodist. My parents were okay with me not going to church, the church they go to is super accepting of people and actually does the work to be accepting, and I genuinely like most of the people I know from there. The majority of people at my parents’ church are the type of religious people I have little to no problems with. When finding out I wasn’t going to church anymore, the pastor didn’t try to guilt trip me or anything and the couple times I’ve seen her after that she just asks how I’m doing and never once brings up trying to make me go to church. Also she officiated same-sex weddings before her denomination allowed that which could have led to her getting fired so yeah she’s a pretty cool person.)

[voidedmuffin]

Hey Systems!

Mostly directed at the Quotev refugees, but obviously anyone is welcome! Also, if you're a kinnie, there's also stuff in here for you regarding sourcecalls and fun blogs!)

First of all, hi. I feel weird doing this on my main blog since I'm not exactly public with it, but I figured it'd be less confusing. Yay

Feel free to ask questions in the comments/reblogs/notes on this post or in my blog inbox(you can do so anonymously as well, but you won't get a notif for it). Lemme know if I missed anything

This is a Lot of ground to cover, and therefore a long post!

System related tags, blogs and sideblogs, source/canoncalls, system-related blogs

Basic system-related tags and what they mean:

#sysblr General system tag for when you're just talking about assorted system stuff, or being yourself and would like the system community to see. Alt related #system stuff, #sys stuff, #system, #plural, #plurality

#actually did, #actually osdd Posting about the disorder itself. Whether it's studies or your specific experiences with it

#syscourse System-related discourse. It's common courtesy to leave the other sys-related tags off syscourse posts because it's rude to drag people in who are casually scrolling through a tag not wanting to see syscourse

#endo safe + #anti endo Endogenic systems are ones that form without trauma. Have whatever opinion on them you want. It's just a tag to welcome/ask them to leave. Alt related #anit endo, #pro endo

#[system/introject/etc] positivity Your usual positivity posts!

#sourcecall If you have fictives that are wanting to reach out for sourcemates from their piece of media, you're gonna wanna tag with this! You can also find blogs that allow you to submit to them anonymously to find sourcemates. Alt related #canoncall

#fictive, #factive I think this is self-explanatory. Posting about fictives/factives--being one with experiences, or looking for others. Related to source calls, you'll also want to tag with #[media] fictive, #[character] fictive. I'll get into how to go about making these posts later, along with those blog reqs. Alt related #introject

Blogs and sideblogs

Obviously, you'll have your main blog that you make when you get Tumblr(mine is @voidedmuffin, as you see here), but Tumblr allows the unique ability to have multiple sideblogs completely separate from your main. Some people use this feature to make a spam blog, art blog, interest blog, ask blog, etc. A common thing with the system community here is alter-specific blogs and/or a general system blog for catchall stuff. I'll be using some of ours as examples

Starting with comparing them. @legsystem is our general catchall system blog that our alters can post to publically or anonymously. I tend Not to post system-related things on my personal blog, just cuz I'm a little private about it. @timdrakesstaff is a fictive alter of Tim Drake from DC(he's a loser, lol). He made his own blog to interact with others as himself without needing to mask as the host. Some other alters Also use his blog because they like encroaching on others' property, lol

Our immediate bios aren't very descriptive because of our private nature, but it gets the jist across of pronouns and age. Some system blogs will link their Carrd or Rentry here, or do that in a different post.

The reason Tim's blog has two URLs listed is because if you view it on desktop, you can see a very personalized page! Very cool Tumblr feature that you can find layouts for!! That means you layout makers have enrichment here still! In fact, you have a lot more wiggle room!

Now, if you scroll down on Legsystem, you will see a pinned post

... Ignore that typo, lol

It just lays out some more information and ground rules. This is often where people will put their DNI's and stuff. We didn't use a lot of tags on it just out of preference. These can be as short or as long as you want. You don't even have to have one if you don't want to!

Sourcecalls/Canoncalls

The main difference between these two things is that the system community tends to not use the canoncall tag, as that's primarily used by the kin community, cuz it's a spiritual multiversal connection thing? I dunno, my knowledge on kinning comes from 2017-2020 Qutev kinmunity and uhhhhh, that was just a large group of systems who Didn't Know Yet, lmfao. Sourcecalls are just for finding fictives from the same source as you!

Like I said, there are lots of blogs out there that let you submit anonymously for a source. @findinyourkin @findthebae @kincalling @problematickincalls1(specifically for problematic sources or characters, or specific timelines. They don't tag triggers, so be mindful) among many other blogs, I just know that these are popular and active ones to use!

These blogs will often have their own criteria for sourcecalls, but it usually follows Character-source-age-age range you comfy with-contact with added option of adding in memories you have to make your distinguishable or who in particular you might be looking for. Some blogs ask you to specificy if you're kin/fictive and if you're okay with the other interacting As for contact, you can link/@ a blog in the call, reblog the call to said blog, or add a "interact(like/rb) this post and I'll reach out to you!". You can turn on notifications for a post, but it doesn't always work

When you go to look for sourcemates, you'll want to look up the #[media] fictive or #[character] fictive. (Alternatively #[media] kin or #[character] kin). The former is Everything, the latter is for a specific person. This can be used to find that specific guy you might be looking for "I'm a X fictive looking for Y fictive from Z source. I will go into the #Y fictive tag to see what I can find. Or I will see all the different/unsorted people by searching #Y fictive]"

Here's a couple examples from our system! (Click on the second image to actually see the full thing, lmao)

On the left is a sourcecall post anonymously to a search blog. It follows the basic criteria I listed above. In the blog's post, they'll end up tagging it with #canon calls, #lance mcclain fictive, #voltron fictive, #fictive some blogs will tag a little differently or more in-depth. Lance ended up reblogging his sourcecall post to @legsystem so people could find him/the blog easily

On the right is a sourcecall post made by the alter on their own blog. It's very direct. Tim lists more stuff in his post than Lance did in the anon one, but ultimately they're very similar! Tim also made his in 2022 and still gets interactions(like, 2 in the last week alone, lol). So, if people look for you, they will find you!

Let's look at the tags he used...

#fictive#introject#dc fictive#dc kin#dc introject#tim drake fictive#tim drake kin#tim drake introject#canon calls#source call#kin call

This is a very wide net. He's fine with kins interacting as well, so he included the kin call tag. He tagged the relevant fictive tags, as well as his own character tag. Since it's his main/permanent sourecall, he didn't tag specific fictives he's looking for, but he's done so in other posts in the past.

System-related blogs (And kin-related!)

They're are plenty of blogs besides sourcecall ones that engage with the system community at large!

@funnier-as-a-system Will reblog posts that can be read as a system, even if that wasn't the original intent of the post. Always makes me laugh

@fictive-culture, @pluralcultureis and @systemcultureis Are both blogs that post submissions with Relatable content on general fictive and system culture. There's also more specific versions of these blogs out there. Like demifictive, factive, little, etc culture

@fictionkinfessions And other related blogs post submitted (usually anonymous) confessions. You can be as up front about who you are an/or who you might be talking about. There are also related blogs for venting

@findinyourkin @findthebae @kincalling @problematickincalls1 Previously mentioned source/canoncall blogs! They're great

There are also plenty of system-related and friendly Discord servers around. You'll be able to find them easier on Disboard, but you can find them on some of those above blogs, in some of those source fictive tags, and just through the people you meet! (Tim always throws an active comic server at all the DC people he meets, lmao)

Good luck and have fun!

[crown-jay]

Some further clarification on my (suspected) plurality

I just wanted to add onto my recent post about my suspicions about being a part of a median system, both to clarify some things and add on new thoughts I have had.

Alright, we're gonna make this a list because... Why not, I do what I want.

I am not claiming that I am 100% a part of a system. I am simple sharing my experiences and trying to understand them in the process. I am fully aware that it could be something else, and I am willing, in the future, to accept whatever else it may be, if it is in fact the case. (This is the main thing I wanted to say, so it's at the top of the list)

I do not know much about the facets in the system, I am mostly just aware of their (probable) existence. I am endeavouring to learn about them, as I think that it's important to acknowledge their existences, cause, you know, they're people too? (That is, if they're actually there)

I have realised I actually use plural first person pronouns for myself, like, a lot. I even did it in the beginning of this very post and only noticed after writing it. So that's cool, I guess. I think I do it more than I realise.

And, finally. In my original post, I said this: "My 'facets' don't think to me in my head, we don't talk to each other to communicate." But here's the thing... I have an incredibly hard time communicating with them. To the point that, maybe monoconcious is the wrong label? Idk, I think I can still get basic things across to and from them, but it's not any real communication. So yeah, that was maybe a bit of misdirect on my part, apologies.

Back on the topic of facets, I think my Orym fictotype might actually be a fabeling? He just feels... Different? Than, say, my other kintypes. For example, my Doctor fictotype is "literally me"™, I always feel like him on a certain level, even more so when in a shift. But when I have a "shift" of Orym, it feels like almost an additive? But not in the same way as my kintype shifts do. It's really hard to explain, but an Orym "kinshift" feels distinctly different to any other kinshift.

In the original post I said "I haven't switched before" which I don't actually think is true? I think it's happened a few times but I also think I'm probably front stuck (yippee) I'm in no way trying to stay in front, I'm totally open to others switching in and I have tried to switch out but it's just not working 🥲

I think that's it for now. To end off, I just want to say that median systems (and anyone, I guess) are free to both reblog this post and the original one, and also, tell me about your experiences! Send an ask, comment on a (relevant) post. Idk. Just feel free, it'd be super helpful and cool to see.

(Also @median-culture-is , idk if you want to see this or not, but here you go anyway lol)

[alexandersimpleton]

For a little while now, I've been bouncing the idea around in my head of Frederick suffocating to death in that chest. But what if he didn't? What if he stayed in oxygen deprivation just barely not long enough to kill him, but enough to put him on life support and cause permanent brain damage?

I was hoping that I could say that this brain damage was why he tripped so much, because it hurt his motor skills. The sources I found seemed split on wether or not that was a symptom, so if anyone reading this has experience with asphyxiation induced brain damage, reblog. Anyways, what they did seem agreed on were several other issues that have potential.

For example, impaired thinking and judgment/impulse control. It'd be cool if frederick's comment about Gwen was a result of hindered judgment and impulse control. Frederick would have some ANGST happening if that was the case. It's one thing to have your disability be embarrassing or have potential to harm others, but it's something else entirely to have someone actually get hurt because of it.

It also includes personality changes, which could help explain why kid Frederick is so different from the older Frederick, along with his trauma. He might even wish he could go back.

Other symptoms that have potential but I'm not sure if they're accurate:

Chronic pain. Frederick having chronic pain just- makes so much sense for his character. I don't have an actual reason why I like this, I just like chronic pain Freddy.

Speech difficulties. I feel like Frederick's family would be super embarrassed about it, and Leland in particular would shame Frederick for it a lot. The CPC might joke about it a bit too, and might even shame him for it when they first meet him. They drop it after they realize how uncomfortable he is with it tho.

Ok "I'm not a medical professional" section over

I feel like the media might gossip about it too. Like, it'd be a big thing across the plaid kingdom that the youngest prince has brain damage, I doubt they'd be nice about it either. It'd be one of those things that everyone he meets mentions, and it makes Frederick really uncomfortable every time. Sometimes they'd be all pitying and talk about how hard it must be to appear in public with his brain damage. Others would look down on him and bully him, tell him he needs to go back to the hospital whenever he trips because of the whole motor function thing, etc etc.

Blaine probably doesn't exactly put out the fire either. As much as I want him to have a redemption arc, it would certainly be a Redemption arc with a capital R. Right now, Blaine seems like the kind of hypocritical jerk to gossip about Frederick behind his back.

In general, the media media wouldn't have the best opinion of Frederick, and it wouldn't just be just because of his shrimpy stature.

These are my sources btw:

[mcytconfession]

Woo… Light vent here with lots of words, but a soft tone I hope. Had to get thoughts out so I can sleep so bear with me.

Just came across a well-reblogged post full of people dogpiling on a server's canon story event that played a large role in the series plot, with users talking about how they hate any fandom content that interprets this event as something the character "did on purpose," or with any sign of them not being morally pure.

Their stated view was that character only engaged in X behavior to protect another character, with users shouting thanks to OP for saying they hate other views and that they agree this is the only clear way to interpret the event. Zhuh?! The comments were full of agreement that art and fics that treat X story event legitimately (as in, presenting that character showing no remorse, which they canonically didn't according to my personal watch) are annoying, gross, shouldn't be in the fandom, etc.

I genuinely wish I could ask someone who dislikes the story event (and is safe to talk to) for more info on their view that this character was only cruel during this event to protect someone... I do think it would be really cool to hear a polite perspective about their interpretation, which so greatly differs from my interpretation of X that I struggle to wrap my head around it, but… after seeing many reblogs and hate, I think I'll keep my head down. The event happened in canon, but even if it had been a fanmade concept that got popular, it'd be pretty hurtful to see so much bashing circulating.

They have the right to that opinion, but I wish it was kept in a community or a discord server of like-minded people rather than circulating, just because there were some pretty harsh things said.

I'd love to reach out more and make friends in this community, but I'm still new here and already feel very once bitten and twice shy. I've had a few harsh messages in my inbox from people saying they hate my interpretations and dread the fandom content I create (even when it's properly tagged and kept out of main tags in some cases), and... it just comes full circle I guess.

Even though my art may not be palpable to some folks, I'm okay with that. Sometimes fandom's just like that when you go against the grain. Still, it's certainly Something tm to see so much hate for a canon event (and bashing towards artists, analysists, and writers who take that event at face value) when it's one of my favorite plot points due to how much character depth and complexity it adds.

Every fandom has its fights and ship wars and hated tropes, sadly. There are story events that are not to some people's tastes and that's okay. I just wish the idea of squicks would resurface rather than so many things being seen as morally reprehensible, as I think it really stifles the ability to connect with people and experience the beauty and variety you get through having many points of view.

I guess at its core, it hurts because my dream is to listen to someone gush to me about something they're passionate about even if I don't personally know much or really like that thing, and it makes me sad that I saw such a surge of people thanking OP for their post and how they also agree that X interpretations are unwanted in the fandom in general. It's one of those things that make you wonder how many of the friends you do have would dump you if they find out you like X (which was not dead dove in my mind, but a plot point that depicted a character making cruel choices). I suppose that's how you weed out fake friends, but it's a doozy.

I'll do my part to make my corner of the fandom fun for me, even if I make unpopular content, as it holds value to me even if many others dislike it. To close, I'd just like to say I hope others will think about the words they're using, what group of people they hurt by their word choice, the fact that content is generally shared for free and you can turn away and filter if it's not for you, and I hope we'll have a warmer community someday <3

Apologies for the long post, and thanks. Seeing so much venom towards the imperfect characters I'm passionate about really caught me off guard and I needed to put it into words so I can sleep.

Wishing you and anyone who creates content that goes against the grain well, and I hope art lovers and fic lovers and analysis lovers who would love your content will someday find you!

.

[elriel-oblivion]

WHO'S READY FOR SOME HARDCORE NSFW 🔥😈

Ashes from the Deep

Part IV

--

Just kidding! 😅

Lol, sorrynotsorry for that fake intro haha, but here's part four for real 😅 Thanks to everyone who read/liked/commented on/reblogged the last part, I really do appreciate all your support 😊🥰🥰

Shoutout to @julesherondalex again for finding one of my fave paragraphs ☺️☺️ I think I only have one fave line this time 😅 And thanks to all who comment their own faves!! I really like seeing what you like in each piece - and it def helps me gauge what kinda writing/literary techniques work and engage people the most 😊😊

I hope nobody's disappointed by this part lol, I really enjoyed writing it in tandem with the previous one 😅

Word count: 4.1K. Lemme know if you'd like to be tagged/removed

I've also finally posted all four parts to AO3 if anyone prefers to read there 😊

Ashes from the Deep

Part IV

--

The water falling from the jug to Azriel’s head was the only sound in the bathroom. His hair absorbed the water, darkening to a midnight gleam. A thin breeze entered the room, and now without a blanket, Elain's exposed arms prickled with goosebumps.

Elain plunged a hand into his hair, breaking the mud between her fingertips. A quiet breath passed through his mouth and the corners of her lips rose.

She rubbed his scalp, coaxing as much dirt to the surface as she could before guiding another jug of water through his hair. Some of the mud drained away, some clods of sediment sticking to the basin. She poured over a final jug and stained water trickled into the drain. The warmth of the water tickled through her skin, replacing the cold from outside.

‘Is that nice?’ she asked, brushing the water through his hair with both hands.

His body seemed to relax, one foot sliding forward a little. ‘It is,’ he said thickly. He cleared his throat.

Her fingers continued to gently work at his head, and when sure his hair was completely wet, she ran the bar of soap under the tap. Soft lavender entered her nose and she inhaled deeply. That calm scent loosened her own muscles; this could be as much a session of serenity for her as she hoped it'd be for Azriel.

So long as she held taut the chain on her heart.

Soap foaming, she immersed her hands back into his thick hair, forming a lather. The lavender smell intensified, a wave of tranquility sweeping over her. She blinked slowly, as though her mind were wading through water.

Another sigh from him drew her attention back to his head. She needed to focus on this task; for Azriel, she could stay awake a little longer, especially since she’d already started.

Her fingertips massaged his skull, pressing a little deeper at the base where knots had a tendency to form. Elain moved her own neck, a sharp stab sparking at the top of her spine.

She hadn’t mentioned it to anybody yet – didn’t even know if she would – but her visions had been so feverish the past fortnight. Sleep felt like a luxury as she tossed and turned with psychedelic madness flashing behind her eyes. A turquoise expanse of sparkling ocean, birds shaped from sunset, glittering gowns in every shade, and a too-wide smile with pointed teeth were just a few of the recurring images attacking her every night.

Bathing before bed wasn't helpful. She'd hoped the calming scents of the herbs she'd found would be enough to pacify her mind and lull her to sleep. So far, there was no positive result beyond a loosening of her muscles. At least some of those herbs relieved the intensity of the dark circles round her eyes.

Mellow darkness, however, was a true reprieve, one which she found in her garden in those quiet evening hours, when the sky, having bled through its saturated sunset, was awash with deep muted blues.

As if she’d summoned it, a similar darkness manifested around Azriel’s body, swirling thickest about his head like a black cloud. His shadows rose like vapour, tendrils reaching out and twining about him.

Elain’s hands were hidden among those dark whorls, and they whispered on her skin in cool caresses. She leaned over his head and said, ‘Azriel?’

His eyes flicked open. ‘Huh?’

There was something boyish and confused in the way he blinked and she laughed lightly. ‘Your shadows are sort of hiding your head.’

He turned his head an inch or two. ‘Sorry,’ he said, and those shadows began sweeping over each other, wisps kissing her as Azriel pulled them in.

Elain’s hands were stationary until those shadows were completely reeled in, a faint frown on Azriel’s face. Sorrow lurked there, perhaps that he couldn’t be cocooned in that safe space.

Guilt coated the chain around her heart.

‘Don’t be,’ she murmured. Did he hear the shame in her voice? She hoped not; he should be resting, not worrying about Elain’s feelings. ‘You can close your eyes again.’

He did, but not before she caught a shadow lingering behind his eyes. Were they a glimpse into the shadows he leashed within himself, or were they a reflection of something darker, more sinister, perhaps?

That guilt began to cut into her heart now, icy claws digging. Cold squeezed her chest, a cold unrelated to the outside breeze breathing over her skin. How could she think Azriel was sinister? After the countless times he’d reached out to comfort her, be with her, listen to her – and the sincere light she saw in his eyes. Even the hope Rhysand had spoken of that day of the last battle in the war. The hope whose meaning he'd learnt from Azriel, learnt to experience from Azriel.

No, it was absurd. Yes, Azriel was a warrior and yes, he’d killed people. Possibly worse, she didn’t know. But those shadows she knew with certainty weren’t formed from the darkness of nightmares and malevolence and all things wicked.

They were a darkness of safety and security, of nights spent in a loved one’s arms. When a child sought their parent; when an adult sought their partner. They were the darkness found deep underground, where the earth was pure and things grew. Where life grew.

And just like his shadows, he too was not crafted from unholiness. There was unrelenting virtue glowing in him, burning whatever taint touched his darkness. She’d seen it in his eyes when he’d found her at the Hybern camp, when he alone had armed her with his own dagger at that later battle – and then run straight into the thick of it without Truth-Teller.

She didn’t know what she would’ve done if he hadn’t survived while she held his blade.

So when his shadows leaked out again, wrapping him in twining vines and wisps, she said nothing. Simply continued to work in that lovely lavender soap, giving as much care as she could. He deserved it.

She poured jug after jug of warm water over his head, wading her fingers through his locks to wash out the soap. Within a minute or two, the water was running clear. She yawned and dried her hands on a fresh towel.

‘Az, you can lift your head now.’

The guilt relented a little, icy claws releasing. A cold still filled the space left behind. But before the warmth of his presence, his existence, could balm her heart as it often did, she froze. His shadows parted to reveal a tear slipping from his eye. Just a single tear but so abrupt it was jarring on the shadowsinger’s face.

‘Azriel?’

He was unresponsive. His breathing was regular, body relaxed in a state of sleep. Except for that tear. What was he dreaming of?

She raised her hand to his face but let it hover in the air. Would this wake him? Would he even be fine knowing Elain had seen him cry?

She touched the tear anyway, placed a knuckle right beneath it. The tear slipped onto her hand and she wiped off the trace left on his face.

Azriel stirred, voice raw as he said, ‘Mother?’

Mother – was she what, who he dreamt of? There was such a childlike insecurity in his tone that Elain’s heart squeezed. She moved her hand back a little when her own voice sounded wispy. ‘No, it’s Elain.’

His eyes opened, gaze darting around the room. There was a small crease in his brow as he blinked away whatever haze remained from his dreams. The shadows dissipated.

Confusion limned his features in the few seconds it took him to fully awaken. Did he know he cried? That she’d wiped off his tear? No, that wouldn’t be okay. Elain had to distract him, if that were even possible for a spymaster.

Sometimes his title overwhelmed her. Sometimes she found security in it; did he see things he didn’t want to on his travels? Did he have access to a wealth of information he didn’t initially understand, just as Elain didn’t comprehend her visions without further probing?

‘I asked you to lift your head but you’d fallen asleep,’ she said. ‘I didn’t want to wake you, but we should dry your hair before you really go to sleep. Especially if you’ll be going outside again. Although I would ask you to consider taking a guest room.’

That frown deepened for a second before he smoothed out his face. ‘Right.’ He sat straight, and Elain set a hand under his head as he stiffly pulled it up. He rotated his neck a bit, water dripping off his sodden hair, sliding down his face.

She placed the towel over his head, patting it across his scalp. Some strands escaped to hang over his forehead, so she pulled them back, ruffling the towel through his hair. All the while, he watched her, but she busied herself with the water that glistened on his neck. Anything to avoid his eyes.

Then he dropped his head – from tiredness or something else, she didn’t know – so she took the opportunity to dry the back more. Drying his hair took more effort than washing, he just had so much hair. The small towel quickly became damp so she continued with the one round his neck, and a short while later, deemed his hair dry enough. Still wet but not sodden, so she combed her fingers through it, smoothing out the tips that stuck out. She left both towels on her bathtub, touching a knuckle to one of the trailing plants sitting on a stool nearby.

She heard the chair scrape across the floor, Azriel rising, so she laid a hand on his shoulder. ‘Wait. I want to clean your face, too.’

The idea of having to look at his face for however long it took to clean sent a thrill through her and she woke a little more. The chain on her heart slipped from her control a little and she leashed it back. Her chest tightened as she grabbed a cloth and ran it under the tap. She knelt next to him, honing in on that giant gash on his cheekbone. She touched the cloth to his face.

He winced and her hand stilled. ‘Sorry.’

A small smile graced his face, and he said, ‘Don’t be.’

She recognised the words from earlier and breathed a laugh. ‘That cut does look very bad, though. I think I’ll have to clean it with alcohol too.’

‘Let’s crack open that wine then.’

Something sultry laced his voice, the chain in her chest slipping again. The metal warmed and Elain fiddled with her grip. She let out a shaky laugh. ‘Not tonight, Azriel.’

Goodness. A late night wine session with Azriel. There was heat in her cheeks and she didn’t know how to tone it down. It was even worse with his face so near hers. He’d see it all. Her face warmed further, and it was only the dirt and blood on his that reminded her he was in no position to be drinking the night away. Not with fatigue so clear on his features and in his posture.

And not with Elain. That toed a line she didn't deserve to cross.

So she gave focus only to his skin, wiping the cloth across his face. Once most of the mud and blood was off, she rinsed the cloth, then wiped him down again. He turned his head and as his eyes fixed squarely on her, the chain heated further. She tried to grip it elsewhere, but every link was as hot. It wasn’t uncomfortable – quite pleasant, actually – but she was sure it would be soon enough if she didn’t move now. The cool air sweeping into the bathroom did nothing to help. If he would just stop looking into her –

Elain abruptly stood and on a whim went to close the window. Maybe he'd think she was cold, though she'd regret trapping the air when it was stifling here soon.

She moved to the cupboard by the door, her back to him. She took a deep breath, taking her time to pull out a bottle of alcohol, in pouring a few drops of it onto a clean cloth. The distance between them was refreshing. The chain didn’t cool, not with Azriel still so close in the same room, but at least it didn’t warm any more. Elain took a moment to readjust her grasp and pull it again.

She composed herself and knelt beside him. The alcohol’s scent permeated the air and her own nerves bristled. ‘This’ll hurt.’

His smile was slight. ‘It’s all right.’

She bit the inside of her cheek and touched the cloth to the wound. His jaw clamped like a vice and she lightened her touch, the cloth barely kissing his skin.

This wasn’t the right way. She needed to clean that wound, regardless of what pain it’d inflict. It'd be temporary, the sting. So she pressed the cloth harder, dabbing it across his cheekbone.

His features were stonelike at the contact. Did pain ever become easier to bear? Would the prick of a thorn be less painful in a decade than it was now?

If Azriel’s face was anything to go by, she guessed no. Perhaps some pain couldn’t be learnt; perhaps the body never fully digested pain.

Perhaps she'd never fully recover from the desolation in the Cauldron.

‘Are you all right, Azriel?’ Her voice was so quiet, like she didn’t want to flare the hurt any further.

‘I’m all right. Are you all right, Elain?’

‘I’m fine.’

He wasn’t all right and nor was she, but neither was willing to broach that right now. There was so much to him she didn’t yet know. What was it that shadowed his eyes so often? What darkness clouded his mind before he fell asleep? In due time, she’d learn, but that human impatience, the sense that there was never enough time, threatened to run her tongue.

Time stretched out before her. She’d learn. He was her friend, she just needed to give him time to teach her the workings of his soul. And in return, she would bare hers too.

Neither said a word as she pressed the alcohol into every wound, cleaning his cheekbone and temple, a scratch across his jaw. She stared at the graze there for a few seconds. She’d ask Madja for some calendula oil later; that would speed the healing process.

She sighed as she washed the cloth. Something had loosened the chain, but it wasn’t a sudden unravelling. It’d just been gradual and she hadn’t noticed, one link falling back at a time. Her heart expanded. There was torment in Azriel’s posture, on his face, and it hurt. It hurt that Elain couldn’t do anything for him besides give basic medicines for his body.

But he was more than just a physical form. He had a heart and a soul, both so tight with whatever misery lurked in his past, and she couldn’t do anything about that. For all the light she saw in the world, all the places of brightness, there was ten times as much darkness, ten times as many nooks and crannies where gloom and wretchedness dwelt. What good was the light if it didn’t burn away the shade over everyone’s souls?

She spent more time washing the cloth than necessary.

The chair creaked. ‘You can talk to me, Elain, whenever you need.’

The chain slipped again, Elain’s fingers grappling for those final links. It hurt so much that he was willing to give so much. Her smile was too bright as she turned and said, ‘I know.’

He stood. His gaze was so direct on her that she only held one chainlink now. Just one link remained in her hand, one link between her and the release of a beast she hadn't yet had the courage to face.

The link heated. Her muscles loosened and her hands fumbled with the tap, the cloth falling from limp fingers.

He would realise. He would know what she was thinking and feeling if she didn’t get a grip on herself, on that final chainlink. So she turned her body to face his and cleared her throat. ‘We should go downstairs to the fireplace. It’ll be warmer there.’ For his damp hair, of course.

No matter that whatever cool air remained in the room did nothing to tame her heat.

His hand was cold on her wrist, a shiver tracking her bones, and colder still were the shadows that swept them up and into the living room. Good, there was much more space here. Her feet hit the floor and she bent to place three logs in the hearth.

Moonlight glinted on the steel she struck against the flint but the metal didn’t spark the way she’d seen it do when everybody else lit a fire. She tried again, Azriel silent beside her. This was pitiful. She swiped the steel a couple more times, and a spark finally appeared.

It was too silent here. ‘Those shadows are quite convenient at times, aren’t they?’ she said.

He breathed a laugh. ‘They can be.’

She let the spark catch on the cloth resting on the hearth and threw it onto the logs, a blaze finally blooming. She doubted anybody else took that long to start a fire. Heat bathed her legs.

Elain didn’t know what to make of the lack of judgement she found on his face when she stood. Though, it was common with him, how honestly he looked at her. She shouldn’t be surprised. Save Nuala and Cerridwen, he was perhaps the only one who didn’t view her as a naive fool, a child. None of the others said it, but she saw it in their eyes, that patronising glimmer.

He was leaning against the mantelpiece with a forearm, one leg crossed over the other, the portrait of casual elegance. It wasn't often she got to see him looking so relaxed. Then again, he was tired.

Her eyes met his. ‘Just a few minutes now and we’ll be warm.’

His eyes were soft; he didn’t say anything. Just kept looking at her. Into her.

The air warmed. That was a quick few minutes.

Just the flames. Of course it was the flames. Anything else would be ridiculous.

The wound on his cheekbone was an angry red in the dim light. ‘I think you’ll need a bandage for that wound.’ Some herbs would be prudent too.

‘I’ll be fine without it,’ he said.

She pleaded for interference from something, anything. ‘It’s quite deep.’

‘Not a match for my Illyrian healing.’ The smirk that followed sent a hot spark down her skin. The chain now burned and she lost her grip on it completely, that leash uncoiling and slipping down, down, down into the abyss of her core. Her heart swelled like a dragon inhaling a mighty breath.

She needed a distraction from his achingly stunning face. The wings behind him were not a reprieve at all. Especially not after what she'd overheard about them. Certain people tended to forget she was in the room and had heightened hearing when they talked about the sensitivities of the Illyrian wings.

Her face heated and her heart throbbed against her chest. How improper these thoughts were. The air was stifling now. Perhaps they should've stayed in the bathroom. Even the weak chill of night air would be better than this. She wished she could have shadows to cool her down like Azriel did. Or to hide in. She'd seen him do that plenty of times.

His wings rustled and he straightened, coming off the mantelpiece. His eyes were glazed, somehow even more stunning than they were outside earlier. The fire highlighted the grey brown storm swirling in his gaze while streaks of emerald glistened like the veins on leaves in the height of summer.

It felt like the height of summer too in this heat.

He frowned. She cleared her throat of the pocket of air lodged there.

'Oh.' A bead of sweat glinted on his temple, right above the gash there. The sting that would ensue was an unnecessary pain, so she reached up to wipe it away.

As her finger touched his skin, above the crackle of the flames, a loud thudding beat entered her ears. Azriel caught her wrist and a small gasp left her lips.

His eyes smouldered, that thunderstorm churning in the dim light. His heartbeat. It was his heartbeat she heard. It ran and ran, crescendoeing like a drum before the climax of a song.

Was the shadowsinger feeling the same as she? Did his heart yearn to touch hers too?

It was unbearable, the alternative. Unbearable but probable.

Her voice was thick, with longing, with desire, with anguish all entangled when she spoke, 'I can hear your heartbeat.'

He said nothing. If he truly didn't reciprocate -

She almost couldn't continue but pushed out, 'And it's a beautiful sound.'

That song in his heartbeat finally climaxed, a thunder of sound pounding the air.

'You're beautiful, too,' he breathed.

Her own pulse throbbed, heartbeat echoing in her throat. Tears blurred her vision of him. She blinked them away; she wanted to truly see every inch of his wonderful face.

His breathing lightened.

As did hers.

He was a mirror, Azriel. He saw her; he saw what she hid from everyone else, clear as day. It was his eyes that told. His words, too, in that smooth voice, free of condescension.

And now no mouth had ever looked so inviting.

And maybe this was okay. This fondness, this attachment she'd developed for him. It wasn't a sudden spark - childish and unquestioned. This had been building for a while now. Months. Maybe even since the first year she'd met him. And maybe it was improper and she was a lady, but perhaps it went beyond expectation. If her sisters could give themselves wholly to their love, then so could she.

Love. It was exhilarating, liberating to open up that well inside her. To no longer have that chain leashing her heart.

And because she knew he'd not make another move, she whispered, 'Are you going to kiss me?'

The fire hissed as a log tumbled further into the hearth. Shadows smoked behind his eyes. 'Only if you want me to.'

Without a doubt, she wanted this. There was a certainty, a clarity in her bones that sang high and free. It whistled through her marrow and glided into her blood, awakening her soul. She was not a child. She could want this. She could have this.

'Yes.'

A frown marred his face and her heart dropped. His eyes were now a hurricane, darkened like night descended over them. Torment was etched in the line of his brows, in the flicker of his jaw as it ground together.

He was afraid. Of hurting her. Ruining her. She'd seen the way he always glimpsed his hands, glancing away with revulsion in his eyes. He thought he was a disgrace, a savage.

But how could that be? How could this male, this male of honour, loyalty and charm think so little of himself? He was better than any male she could've had the pleasure of knowing.

'I know what you're thinking,' she said, 'and I want you to know I trust you, Azriel. You will do me no harm. You couldn't.'

His eyes shuttered as he lowered them, brows still furrowed. He still held her wrist, so, pulling his arm with her, she reached out and stroked his brow with her thumb. She rubbed back and forth in gentle motions until that crease was gone, and he exhaled slowly.

'I trust you, Azriel. So kiss me.'

The moody veil of night lifted from his eyes, the tempest calming to a glistening haze. His heart still pounded, so wondrously loud as he leaned down, his free hand settling against her cheek. He was unhurried, tentative.

It was agonising. Worse still, he paused with an inch of space between their lips. His night-chilled air and cedar scent blended with the smoke and wood of the fire, seductive as it crept into her skin and twined around her bones like ribbons of mist round pillars.

With shadows flickering over his face, and the light so sultry beside them, his eyes were alluring. She'd never let herself notice that before. 'Kiss me,' she said faintly.

Elain didn't breathe as his lips touched hers.

__

Feedback's welcomed, thanks for reading 😊

@illyrian-lover-flower @julesherondalex @nooriee @mis-lil-red @verifiefangirl @tswaney17 @a-happybird @thewayshedreamed @sleeping-and-books @thefangirlofhp @januarystears @courtofjurdan @ladylochan

[levyfiles]

this may be an unpopular opinion but i'm really not looking forward to the moment when they bring other people onto the channel. i subscribed for them not for some randoms. it's a lovely idea but i also think it'd make their channel look bad 'cause when they start uploading videos that don't involve them the views are probably gonna be really low.

I think what you’re saying is perfectly valid. I know the inclination of us fans is to leap on the possibility of supporting whatever the content creators we like tell us to support but it is also perfectly fair not to be keen on the content made by others just because it’s on the same channel. However despite my saying this, we also don’t quite know how this is meant to look going forward. 

My personal hope is that they’re not about to make the same mistake they made with B.U.N. where they do not appear to have any involvement in the content posted on the channel that is not BFU. We have conspiracy theories that many people found offensive (the antisemitic theories about lizard people and the disrespect to ancient civilizations by implying only aliens could achieve what they had) and a few serial killer stories with voiceovers--and I’ll tell you from experience, that if you recall a channel called Cracked-- and videos like that turn people off. They’re viral clickbait fodder with info you could easily read if you googled it.

Still, though, my hope is that they engage new creators a bit like (and I realise how icky this might be to reference especially in light of recent accusations) Smosh did. They slow integrated new personalities and creators into their line up and videos until we as an audience get to know them and then they get to launch their content and own series and we’re able to engage with the content with the same familiarity as we do the Watcher boys. 

I can absolutely guarantee that you’re not the only one who feels this way because if you look at every video on BUN that doesn’t have Shane or Ryan there is a slew of comments asking where Ryan and Shane are, casual viewers even on their Facebook promo posts asking the same. It’s just not easy to expect an audience that you’ve cultivated and accrued with their personalities to trust their taste or endorsement because they happened to have had the chance to get to know a creator before agreeing to host their content on Watcher.

On another plane of thinking, some of my friends and I were theorizing about whether they intend to haul in a bunch of ex-Buzzfeeders. One person brilliantly suggested Jen. Honestly? I’m into it, and I hope they’re planning to be careful about it overall. 

We all wanna see them succeed but there are numerous challenges trying to be your own Buzzfeed and just having someone pop up with a series like they do with Buzzfeed isn’t always going to work. I would honestly love to chat more about this, so feel free to drop a line or reblog this with your thoughts on it. Would you be cool with other creators hopping aboard the Watcher channel? If not, what do you feel would make it less jarring or alienating as a long time viewer?

[quiveringdeer]

reblogging to info dump about my time on gaiaonline cause it was such a formative experience and I'm too long-winded to do so in comments

I distinctly remember being on there and an irl friend of mine recommending tumblr as another cool fandom place and my ridiculous self checking it out and being like, "tch, this website is so childish and weird no thanks"

then like 3-5 or whatever years later I discover mass effect and the fandom presence on here then the Teen Wolf Sterek fics and I was fuckin hooked! my friend still gives me shit for it cause now I've been on here longer and more intensely than they have 😂

also I was soooo into forum rp'ing. creating intricate world building ideas, doing basic html formatting, compiling and cataloging a huge range of images on photo bucket to use for characters and their bios 😏

one of my faves I'm still so proud of wast a zombie rp where I had created this intricate background on where the virus came from, using "realistically possible" medical diseases, brain controlling fungus mutations etc. How it infiltrated and spread around the world. And worked soooo hard on creating literal city/town/base camp maps so participants could monitor specially where others were during the rp and it'd be more realistic.

But pièce de résistance was in using the dice roll function you could embed within each new post. I created a number system of the different dice rolls to generate participants encountering zombies in different places and items too. So like how many zombies you'd encounter. How many and how useful the items you're foraging for would be. Etc.

Safe to say that was a hella hyperfocus project area oof my life. And then once I got it all set up. Literally like me and maybe three other people rp'ed in it for a short time and then I can't even recall why it didn't go further :/

please does anyone else remember quizilla?? i would give ANYTHING to go back and read my fics from there oml

i distinctly remember an ohshc fic i posted where every chapter was only like 5 sentences long 😭