#if you ever wonder what ive been doing and why i havent been on socials much

[jadequarze]

Meet Decon, my pink-haired Field of Mistria mc. Who are they going to romance, one can only question.

[melancholiaenthroned]

ok its been a few hours here r my absolute batman thoughts...

starting off with what immediately stood out: that man is not blond. we have spent weeks either bemoaning or defending blond bruce wayne, only for him to appear, not blond. when was the choice to unblond him made? neither of his parents are blond, perhaps then? he also doesnt appear to have his gay little dog, but he havent seen much of his home life so im still holding out hope.

the first thing i will say that jumped out to me, and something ive already commented on, is how much of a scott snyder batman book this feels like. which it is, but god i missed this feeling. snyder writes batman a bit more lone wolfy than other writers, but with a very well defined ensemble cast when the need arises. snyders alfred is one of the only ones ive ever actually had, like, any opinions or feelings on, and so having him (even a very different version of him) star in the opening issue feels right. speaking of snyders alfred -- julia! julia mention, julia graduation photo! julia:-) seeing alfred call her in one of the first pages was my first sigh of relief like oh were gonna be okay... theyre estranged, which makes sense considering any alfred but especially this one, but i do wonder why/for how long considering alfred does appear to have been at her college graduation, and i assume shes around the same age as bruce.

bruce who, speaking of, is 24 and born in... 2004. setting this comic in 2028 but also! thats fucked up! what do you mean batman is the same age as me? that gives me four years to bulk up and learn how to do. whatever bruce did with that massive gun to make it "non lethal" (comic books....). its very weird to have a gen z batman but also makes sense considering snyder said this book represents more his thoughts on the mindsets of his children rather than his own (as was the case for his original batman run). bruce is an idealistic young person now! with young person friends... also weird to think that in this universe, killer croc, the penguin, two face, and catwoman were probably also born in the 2003-2005 range (they appear to have been childhood friends, i assume they went to the same school and were maybe also at the zoo that day?).

this is disorganized and i dont have a transition into this section but: the main "twist" of the issue, which i was not expecting at all. martha is alive. bruce lost his father, but he never lost his mother. it makes sense why he seems a little more idealistic (or maybe thats just Alfred's pov skewing events), he really does have like. a whole life. he has friends and a mother and a job, hes not a sad boy left alone in a manor. really not much to say about this considering its only the first issue, but im really excited to see where it goes. it does make this batman feel a little like superman in an interesting way. hes a lot more ingrained in the city by working a job that actually touches its core, hes a mamas boy, he (or at least his social circle) is involved enough in local politics to be going to town hall meetings. and of course. his main villain appears to be this weird ultra rich guy...

which leads me to other main snyder-ism of the issue: we gotta get the joker in here, and he is NOT funny. in classic snyder fashion the joker is SERIOUS now. he wears muted colors and never laughs and is a brunette (which could all change when/if he gets dumped in acid).i really wasnt sure if he was gonna do it, after all snyder has already pretty extensively covered the joker in his old run, and while i think hes literally the best joker writer ever, i wasnt sure if hed been interested in tackling the character in what is essentially a new batman origin. but here he is! and the tables are turned -- bruce is friends with all the jokers old compatriots, and the joker is alone and insanely rich. i honestly really have no idea what to expect from this plot going forward, obviously the current focus is black mask and his gang, but its clear the joker is going to have some part to play. im excited about it, im not one of the people who dislikes joker stories on principle and i was really hoping for snyder to introduce him into this world so its a win for me if nothing else.

anyway! not sure how to conclude this, but these are my thoughts! its been a while since ive been this excited for a bat run, and this will probably be the only thing keeping me going for a while considering weve got tom taylor on tec now. but god. im just so happy. remember being excited about batman comics? if any of u guys read absolute batman plsss lmk what u thought...

[cmdonovann]

okay so, ive been reblogging a lot of stuff from @fujowebdev this past month. in case i havent mentioned yet, yes, its because i am working on this project! (ive done some character design stuff for a few characters that havent been released yet, as well as some little illustrations for the kickstarter campaign, which you should check out here if you havent yet!)

(here's some of the art i did for the kickstarter, as seen here, and you can find a little more about what ive been doing for the project in this post.)

but you may be wondering why i am working on this project in the first place. well, good question! its basically a long series of random events that starts several years ago, so i wont bore you with that much detail, but the long and short of it is that i ended up joining a discord server called fandom coders for fandom folks who like coding and/or want to learn coding. (you can find them here, at their website, which i have also made some small contributions to!)

the fancoders are basically the coolest group of people ever; they've all been super nice, encouraging, and helpful! tbh, ive been feeling disillusioned by social media as a way of sharing my art for some time now, especially with the increase in sites that disallow/ban nsfw art in recent years, and the fandom coders discord (and especially ms boba, head of the kickstarter project and bobaboard) was more than happy to help me expand my skills so i could work on improving my own website. and the skill they helped me with that has been most vital... turned out to be learning how to use git and github!

so that brings us to the kickstarter. the main reason i've put off learning more about web development for many years was honestly just intimidation. i find a lot of resources that are supposedly aimed at people wanting to create websites are... really not all that friendly to amateurs or newbies! and for a long time, i had no one (and nowhere) to ask for help about this without being shamed for my lack of skill.

this is why i think a resource like the guide we are kickstarting is such a big deal, and why i was pretty much instantly down to volunteer my time towards making it a reality. i know there are TONS of other fandom folks out there who would love to make their own websites to showcase their love for their fandom, but not nearly enough resources that teach website-making skills in a way that is approachable and FUN.

(and fun is exactly what we are trying to make this! hence the hot anime boys.)

anyway, that's my pitch! if you haven't already, go check out our kickstarter! we're already fully funded, but we have a couple of stretch goals that i think are really cool, so any extra funding helps us get to those! the first volume of the book/zine we're making covers git and github, so that you can learn version control and make your websites without the fear of breaking your site while editing and not having any way to recover the old unbroken version (TTwTT)b we've all been there...

[corny-ass-shit]

soo i literally suck in every area of my life.

ive said in 3 different parts of my life that, “i’ll do better” and “im sorry” like 10 times. i’ll do better. i’ll do better. i’ll do better. i’ll do better. i’ll do better. its like the words wont leave my head.

my family, who barely sees me because im always hanging out because i hate them, say they miss me and need me at home. ok, im sorry, i’ll be at home more. i’ll do better. yes im at home more but now i have attitude. wow i wonder why you fucking assholes, i literally cant stand you and you’re the rudest, narcissistic, transphobic/homophobic, oblivious people ive ever be around. but fine. i’ll shut my mouth and my attitude. i’ll do better.

my boyfriend, who i love dearly, thinks hes not enough for me. hes saying stuff like ‘why arent i enough for you to pay attention to me?’ and more stuff mentioning when i accidentally ignored him or when im on my phone too much (which is a genuine problem because ive become connected to my phone with the previous reason being anxiety, and now its just an addiction), or times where it isnt my fault and someone interrupts a conversation between me and him and just starts yapping but i cant shut them up like they’re a machine or when hes standing behind us and im not directly looking or talking at him?? i suggested coming to the side of me instead of behind but that was wrong of me i guess. but whatever, i’ll do better, im sorry. no but im apparently not listening to what hes saying, im telling him to fix things instead of listening, im reading his words but not listening. what the fuck else do you want me to do? shut everyone out of my life? i would happily do so but thats not fucking socially acceptable. but still, im saying i’ll do better so why dont you believe me? im not a liar. i stopped being a pathological liar years ago for people i love, because i didnt want to hurt them. im crying, having a panic attack on top of anxiety and nausea and shaking from medication im having a panic attack. im sorry. im fucking sorry. i cant do better can i? i dont know but i know that im trying really hard, and he wont believe me. but all i keep saying is, and all ive been saying since we’ve been friends is, i’ll do better. (and honestly im sorry i cant let go of things, im sorry i hold grudges, im sorry everything you say or do affects me. i am really sorry.)

My school. im failing 2 classes. never in my life had i ever been failing a single class, never mind 2, im killing myself because of it. they’re both advanced classes too. my math teaches emails my mom (even though im not failing) saying shes worried im disconnected in class and not following the coursework. yeah, maybe thats because im doing a sport at 6 am and have to be up at 5, and i dont get home most nights until 9-10 pm. my ap world teacher doesnt gaf, ive been doing ok on my quizzes since i started doing my homework again instead of literally stealing my friends hw from that class to show to him. i think i failed the test though, i dont remember. my chem si teacher emailed my mom about me failing and being disconnected and not paying attention during class. thanks for letting her know that im failing dawg i didnt need her knowing that. i was gonna bring the grades up but wtv. i fucking failed the last test and passed the test before that by 3 points. he said we havent even reached the honors level work yet and im failing. fuck you. im not doing my hw and im zoning out during class. i dont want to be like this, im usually good. im a good kid. i’m supposed to be. im always in honors for report cards. always. i always have at LEAST an 85 in my classes, but im struggling with a 54 in chem, a 61 in ap world, and 73 in math. like what if i kill myself. the one thing i was semi-good at. theres always gonna be people better than me in every field of work. school, art, makeup, fashion, sports, everything i like theres always someone better. i know its impossible to be the best, but cant i at least be good? i wish i could do better.

i love my life, but no i dont. hence the reason im suicidal :))))))

[kindlyfunkn]

i was planning on making cookies like 2 weeks ago had chocolate chips there for that long havent had the motivation too much to do

a few times my sisters remarked to her friend that i was going to make cookies "but hasnt done it yet for some reason" like hmm yeah i wonder why i havent. could it be how incredibly tired i am all the time? i havent done anything specifically for myself except scroll social media and waste hours bc i sit for a break after not stopping and black out time jumps ahead n ive done nothing and that makes me feel worse. i feel guilty when i want to play a game or watch tv bc theres always something to do but my sister just stays in her room all day blasting music. days when i just cant do anything i feel awful then my sister comes home and i can feel the judgement radiating off her for nothing being done but im always the one doing it every day. i could spend the day after school sweeping, swiffering, making supper, shovelling snow, dusting, wiping the grime off shit, changing garbages, doing laundry, but because the dishes arent done shes right flippant. she had her boot marks scuffed up the entire living room so i mopped the other day, noticeable difference, not a word from her. she only ever thanks me for the dishes and supper but it means fuck all when im the only one doing them all the time. your thanks doesnt mean shit anymore to me can you cook an actual meal for once please

she made kraft dinner (which i cant eat makes me gag) some time ago, made two boxes worth then put the remaining in the fridge. she made kraft dinner again a night ago and ate it all. guess what i threw out today! moldy leftovers! stg she never eats her own leftovers. i make supper and the leftovers are put in a tub and in the fridge hoping maybe i can have it the next day instead of cooking again, she eats it the very next day like clockwork for her breakfast or lunch doesnt ask if i want it even though i made it, yet never touches her own shit she puts in there. im not a picky eater overall but i cant stand most wet slimy foods (kraft dinner, storebought macaroni, tbh anything creamy cheesy makes me want to vomit) but thats what she eats if i dont make something and she never touches her own leftovers.

anyway if anyone has been reading these vents im sorry i feel really dizzy i got super mad i have a lot on my chest even if it seems really insignificant ive just been so stressed out by everything i feel worse by the day im so so so so sick of everything right now

[elaichoi]

the v v v first time i saw ur acct was when u had the yeonjun prive alliance layout ^3^ those reincarnation aus made me saur emo T^T

i luv that for u agghh<3 not that there's anything wrong w it,but i find it most satisfying when ppl get into kpop from kpop-genre songs rather than western-sounding kpop songs lol my first kpop artists were b2st (highlight) and t-ara hehe

mhm yea mayybbe! i know 100% why i don't post them and its cos i used to be consistent w posting on both kpop & personal socmed accts but mental health happens and i kinda stopped bc numbers make me want 2 cry lmfao

except im slightly less mentally ill since that time now and yk i actually genuinely do rlly want to start all my socmed accts up again but im putting it off bc im a bit of a perfectionist and so im lazy to be doing all dat... all of nothin :D don't call the orderly i'm fine ^_^ /lh

2019-21? ah probably not then i'm pretty sure i was in and out of the school roster (pls tell me if i am oversharing/trauma dumping/crossing any boundaries bc i genuinely do not know i no longer have any social skills T_T /gen /srs)

hm i'm not sure tbh i only followed the one 😭😭 i haven't been on wattpad in a long ass time and i remember i tried seeing what wattpad was like nowadays and was v disappointed w the ads and paid stuff (i think i don't remember). booooo 👎👎

omg wait that's so cool aaaaah!!! i changed my user a lot so i honestly could not tell u bc i have goldfish memory ;__; i do remember i had a user like taempons(_) i think it had an underscore idk don't remember but i changed it (kinda wish i saved it ngl) and oh one i do remember was peachyjihoons (my wannaone phase lmao) but yeah im pretty sure my most recent user was some based on some tumblr shit like svnshine or something idfk 💀💀

u are already a talented writer save some for the rest of us 👺 /j if u could also draw u would be too powerful 👁️👄👁️

omg THAT WAS MY FIRST LAYOUT TOO!! this account isn't that old tbh i still haven't gotten the feel of writing smuts as of yet that's why i havent been much active on it BUT WAIT REINCARNATION AU?!? from my main???

DUDE I LOVE B2ST!!!! and t-ara!!!!!!!! i really got into kpop slowly because i fell for kdrama at first (found replay in one of the kdrama edit lmao) so like my music journey has been very, very kpop ish. i think the global influence in most of kpop songs started to become mroe prominent during 2018?

bro i get you like the fear of starting the stuff you love because you feel like you won't be able to give it all and starting it and feeling it like you're gonna disappoint yourself. i hadn't started anything since like 2017 until recently because i was scared i was gonna stumble, or it won't be good ( well mostly that) or i won't be able to finish that. me and my bff still has this one project we started around like 2018 lmao we both still haven't finished it or picked it up bc we developed the idea sm and got so close to it that we fear writing it now.

not OVERSHARINH I WANNA KNOW!!! NO but like FR wattpad went through the biggest glow down IVE EVer seen like. it's legit LEGIT inhabitable. like at first you take away the newsfeed?!? like how am i gonna pine over other accounts now?!? and then everything became paid and shit like wtf is that?!

omg i wonder if I ever saw you on my explore page or tags bro fr this is so interesting my ig handle has always been one tbh it's @celestialsoo ( my intense love affair with kyungsoo era) like since the dawn of the day.

YOU LIE!!!!! i wish i could fr draw tho i want to draw my muses :///

[freebooter4ever]

ive been considering my options, and started looking into moving - not all the way back to washington (where admittedly a little shack house at the base of mt rainier somewhere is sounding better and better)(but if i left california now i dont think i'd ever return and even if imag*n**ring is no longer in glendale im still clinging to the notion that being here still means something) - but somewhere in the more 'rural' areas of socal (if desert can be considered rural?)

My friend here who owns the house on the brush covered hill in the city also has a cabin up in big bear so im imagining something like that. Somewhere to hole up in for a year or so to just escape everything for a while. I can work remotely, as long as i have internet, and rent is certainly cheaper outside the city. And right now just disappearing for a while seems like a relief when i feel like i keep hitting walls and rejection from all corners even people i thought were friends. And the one friend - parent like - figure i have here, i am clinging harder and harder to and i am terrified of the day i push them over the edge and they stop talking to me too. Hence hiding until i feel confident people are no longer sick of me.

But then i think about how i very nearly went crazy house sitting in the artist's house alone on the canyon ridge for two months straight (and called nick way too many times to stomach it)...and i dont know if i could do it. Live alone in the middle of nowhere. Nick did it - moved to the canadian wilderness after a traumatic period in his life. Maybe a part of me wants to try just to prove that i can. Cause for all our similarities that was our fatal flaw - his introversion and my constant tendency to cling to people. He could - and did - pack up and leave at a moments notice, move to a new city, and start over again fresh. I kinda can too, its why i dont own any furniture and anything i want to keep i make sure it can fit in my little car. But instead of cutting ties i hold onto people until i suffocate them.

But thats why i worry i wouldn't be able to actually handle living hours away from anyone i know - no matter how appealing it might sound as a solution to the emotions dogpiling onto my back these past two years. If there was one theme between nick and i the entire time we were together it was always me going out - dancing, music, art events, parties - and asking him to go with me and him always saying no - he'd rather stay in rather be alone. And its not that i minded going out alone - i was used to it and there was always naeem hanging around events and the burgh was small enough i was bound to see someone anyone i recognized. It was the realization that what attracted me to a certain type of personality was almost incompatible with my own. Nick had all the charm and charisma and magneticism i so admired and which i never had any of...yet i was the one who liked people, i liked being around people. And he really didn't. And i guess i never really understood having this type of urge to cut off all ties, disappear, leave without a goodbye and without looking back till now. There's a lot of shame involved in my case.

So I'm looking through ads for weird secluded woodsy cabins and wondering if i would be able to survive a year disconnected except by internet, or if maybe i doubt that i could and that maybe i should be able to - learn to. at least once. to understand better? and maybe i should try now while it seems possible.

anyway im also pretty sure the pandemic has regressed me back to like...middle school levels of social anxiety because im terrified of everyone including any of you guys on here reading this - if i stop messaging you there is a good chance ive convinced myself that you hate me, im sorry in advance. I asked my coworker to lunch the other day and he said no and i havent been brave enough to ask again cause now im certain he's finally realized what a non-artist loser i am and its more productive to work through lunch anyway right? \o/

[ddarker-dreams]

Online Love. Yan Shigaraki x Reader [Part 5]

Shigaraki has never had a full grasp on understanding others.

It’s never presented itself as an issue before, due to his unique lifestyle that doesn’t require him to rely upon others to the same extent most do. He doesn’t need to bend himself to the will of others. If anything, people need to mold themselves to his liking. 

There’s no place for coquettish remarks and hidden agendas for the people around Shigaraki. He wouldn’t care for it, and they’d be cut off without a second thought. 

So where do you fit into that? 

He doesn’t know himself. The black and white relationships that stay in neat, understandable boxes for him are all but wrecked by your presence. Where his underlings bite their tongue and present themselves to his liking, you feel no obligation to do the same.

You live as you please, speaking to him as you please. The rules he’s used to don’t apply to you, you don’t even know they exist in the first place. If anyone acted as you did towards Shigaraki, they’d undoubtedly be killed for it. 

There’s a fondness that’s reserved solely for you. 

Even so, he can’t help but feel aggravated at how you’ve been treating him lately. The past three days have been a miserable stretch, his mood taking a turn for the worst. Not due to anything you’ve said to him, no, but because of the opposite.

You haven’t messaged him in seventy-two hours. 

This has never happened before, in the entire time he has known you. In the past three days you’ve not logged onto any of your games, responded to his messages, or uploaded on social media. He’s aware of the fact that you’re physically fine -- a bit of stalking ensured that nothing had happened to you.

A part of him almost wishes that was the case, so he could make sense of it. It would be undoubtedly easier to digest the situation, and he could get you out of the situation with ease.

But the aspect of the unknown is what troubles him the most. His mind wonders pathetically, grasping at any straws to make sense of why you’ve been living your life normally; just without him. 

Staring at his monitor in the dim light of his room, Shigaraki grimaces at the blinking cursor in front of him. Coarse fingers hover over the keyboard, wanting so desperately to seek you out; but unsure of how to go about it. He wants to demand an explanation. 

Were you really able to live your life peacefully without him? Did Shigaraki delude himself of the symbiotic relationship he once believed you two shared? 

His teeth ache from the hours spent grinding together, neck raw from constant scratching. Sleep has all but evaded him, as he spent hours painfully waiting for you to come back to him. For things to go back into the routine he was used to. 

Your absence serves as a reminder of how much he needs you. 

Narrowing his bloodshot eyes, he abruptly stands from his trash covered desk and stalks over towards the door. How dare you ignore him, how dare you treat him like this! Did he mean nothing to you all along? Have you just been waiting for the chance to cut him off, having been secretly disgusted by him all along?

Fury masks over any secret feelings of hurt, Shigaraki intent on demanding Kurogiri to warp him over to you. He’d get an explanation one way or another. Even if he had to pry it from you. Staying idle any longer would surely be the death of him.

Before he opens the door, he hears the custom alert. The one that he had set for you, so he could always know when you were messaging him. 

Shigaraki’s mind goes blank as he goes back over to his computer. He wonders if it was imagined, only to be disproved by a message from you on his screen.

From: [First] 2:06 AM

hello tomo-kun

That... that’s it? Mouth slightly agape from confusion, Shigaraki’s mind races with countless responses. Ranging from cruel words directed at you for ignoring him for so long, to inquiring about what even caused it in the first place. But none of them are typed out as he delivers an equally mundane response. 

To: [First] 2:06 AM

Hey

Anyone else would’ve been facing the wrath of hell right now, but Shigaraki manages to contain himself. Knowing that you haven’t forgotten about him or discarded him was enough to momentarily distract him from his previous rage. Biting his finger nails that were already short from countless hours of similar activity, he awaits your response. 

From: [First] 2:10 AM 

i’m sorry that i haven’t been around... 

From: [First] 2:11 AM

i’ve been having kinda a bad time lately with some stuff. but if it’s okay with you can we play some comp? i kinda just wanna take my mind off it. if you’re not busy that is 

It isn’t concern that he feels, but an undying curiosity. If something major had happened to you, like a death of a loved one, he would’ve known about it by now. What could’ve happened that upset you this much that he wasn’t alerted about? 

Shigaraki silently ponders to himself. Maybe he needs better scouts. 

To: [First] 2:12 AM 

Whatever you want, idm

An immediate response. 

From: [First] 2:12 AM

thank u, i appreciate it

From: [First] 2:13 AM

aaa i feel so dumb. im sorry im sure i worried you. i just havent been in the mood to talk to anyone. its nothing like crazy or anything im fine, just some life stuff 

Shigaraki’s never been the best at comforting people, as it’s a task that he’s never been given. He can barely take care of himself, much less anyone else. But in situations like this, he feels you’re supposed to offer something. Only for you would he stretch himself in this way.

To: [First] 2:15 AM 

What happened 

It might seem like a lackluster response, but to anyone who knows Shigaraki it would come as a surprise. People’s personal affairs have never interested him in the slightest, but you’re a unique case. 

From: [First] 2:16 AM

wellllll its kinda stupid but ig it doesnt hurt to tell you lmao 

From: [First] 2:17 AM

ive... ive had a crush on this guy for a long time. we’ve known one another for a few years, stuff like that. anyways i worked up the courage to ask him out and he got upset at me. saying stuff like im ruining our friendship. it was just really bad, and ever since then ive been on auto pilot 

The word crush hits him like a ton of bricks. He’s incapable of focusing on anything else in that moment, as time all but comes to a stop. His breathing uneven, and hands shaky; he sits back from the light of his screen. Disgust isn’t the right word for it, it doesn’t begin to describe the barrage of emotions he’s experiencing. 

You liked someone. You liked someone that isn’t him. 

Even if he actually wanted to, he couldn’t fake a decent response to your message. All along he’s been under the impression that you may return his feelings. That all the little gestures meant you treasure him on the same level he does you, and that you would one day be his. 

Hours spent daydreaming of you sweetly confessing to him come to mind, as his vision goes red. 

It doesn’t matter how. He’s going to find out who this cesspool of human waste is, he’s going to savor tearing each limb from their body and take pleasure in his screams of agony. Shigaraki will take care of this individual personally, wanting them to suffer in the same way he has. 

There isn’t any way you could like someone else. This all has to be a joke, a cruel prank with an eventual punchline. There’s no other way to make sense of it. No one else could be even remotely deserving of your affections other than him, and no one will ever have them if he could do anything about it.

He will figure out what to do with you and your betrayal later. For now, only this apple of your eye has his attention. Countless cruel ideas flood his thoughts like a tidal wave, a malicious grin breaking out onto his face. 

Shigaraki will make them pay.

[the-kipsabian]

wrestling asks: 1, 2, 5, 13, 14, 16, 19, 24, 26, 27, 28, 30, 37, 39 ~

1. favorite current male wrestler im trying to think who ive been flipping my shit over the most recently, but yeah i think we have to go with trent. youve heard me literally cry over him the past few days and while yeah theres a lot of names up there with him, currently i think i can name him my number one. greg just makes me very weak fucking fight me

(rest is under a read more cause man there ended up being a lot of things lol)

2. favorite current female wrestler god this one is. so much harder tbh. i love so many girls but i also dont know if ive really ever picked any faves from the current rosters. tho now that i think about it, i might just have to give it to deonna purrazzo? shes amazing and watching her recently has been an absolute treat, god what a queen

5. favorite tag team why would you do this to me. how am i supposed to choose. my brain is fighting over so many rn but i think. it has to go to breezango? theyve been so entertaining since the very beginning and i still very dearly love these bois, they are talented as hell and deserved so much better than what they were given tbh

13. the best looking diva female superstar i can answer this one again since theres a many lol (i say and immediately my brain locks up as i cant think of anyone LOL)

buuuut lets do zelina. cause she makes me gay and shes tiny and just. helluva cute. fight me. also a literal queen so hell yes we stan

14. the best looking superstar uuuUUUH. fuck do i need to pick another one LOL

lets go to the other end of the spectrum, kip sabian! hes cute, i love his hair, his smile could destroy me for days, CROP TOPS and. i dont mean to objectify but dat ass tho

16. the best gimmick i already talked about seth so lemme bounce around a bit and mention mjf

not only is he better than you (and you know it). but he takes that to such extremes its amazing and hilarious at the same time. hes so over the top it works perfectly for him, and how he keeps the kayfabe going outside the ring too is fucking fantastic. hell he literally puts his own parents on blast on social media sometimes its fucking wonderful. he absolutely owns that shit, despite not being like the top guy of the company or even having held any titles recently, but there he just goes - being better than anyone else cause fuck you thats why. its fucking amazing i tell you lol

19. the best mic worker god theres. probably like ten million people i could mention in this one lol. im just trying to think who i love listen to speak honestly, but im trying not to be biased to my. other tastes lol (looking at you jay, i love your accent but my god it gets hot in here when you get angy and that doesnt work for this one LOL)

..you know what i think i gotta give this to cm punk. thats kinda outside the box for me but its also a very obvious answer, cause this man is very good tho. the way he speaks speaks volume and the way he talks is high key just mesmerizing. you just gotta listen to every word he says whether you like it or not. and im not even talking about the legendary promos rn, but just in general. this man is a god on the mic honestly

24. which wrestler would you like to see make a return? oh my god.. well i mean. define a return tbh. if we're talking about ppl that have retired officially, im heavily leaning towards aj lee tbh cause man i miss her in the ring.

if we're talking about just someone that hasnt been in the ring for a while due to, well you know, company bullshit releases. definitely breezango. i know dango is active but i havent seen him in anything cause im too lazy to try to look for stuff, but breeze hasnt done anything and im like. pls my boi come back i miss you and your precious face and in-ring abilities :(

(..also do kip and trent count for this like they are both out with injuries and i miss them both dearly i need my dumb bois back on screen pls)

26. one unpopular opinion of yours. ..impact is the best wrestling there is on television right now. dont even fucking @ me you know im right LOL

27. who do you consider underrated? ..how much can i repeat myself if i say kip sabian? man is hella talented, absolutely unrecognized about it, and he deserves the world. also a huge ass sweetheart and im just ugh. pls return soon kip ive seen your 'underrated and over it' stuff i need you back to kick ass soon plEASE

28. what about an over-rated wrestler? how many toes am i ready to step on is the question LOL. im gonna take the easy way out on this and just say charlotte, i never really got behind her hype and while im not denying her talent or anything, i just think theres more deserving girls in the roster that could easily take her place and at least slow down her title reigns cause man. i get it live up to the dad hype cause you brother couldnt but holy shit creative calm the fuck down okay

30. you get to make your own stable. who would it consist of? what is their name? listen i think we already know im bad at names so im just completely gonna sidestep that one LOL. also im taking this question as like. who would i put in a stable together, and not as who i would be in a stable together with, so lets roll with that lol

..tho ive been sitting on this for fucking ten minutes now and my brain is completely empty. get back to me about this at some point maybe i'll eventually have an answer for you lol

37. if you were on the original nxt who would you choose as your pro? are we only including ppl in that timeframe or can i pick whoever i want? cause if its whoever, its sami zayn. he has a style i adore, i feel like that would include some really fun on-camera chemistry, and he would either just enjoy being there or make it into a very dramatic "reality tv" which would also be fucking hilarious. also its sami, its a really good chance to actually learn something really valuable even tho this isnt like. probably actually couching and shit but you know. i'd never miss that chance tho

39. what is your best wrestling related memory? can i name three? cause i think i have three lol 1. when i introduced this interest to my wife like last year. im very selfconcious when it comes to telling ppl about my interests that are kinda out there, cause ive been dealing with a lot of shit that comes with it for a loooong time tbh, but its a huge part of me and shes my best irl friend and i was like. im gonna do it she can judge me all she wants. and she got SO into it and was super excited that i shared this with her and we watched a whole lot of stuff that weekend and everything was super great. god i love her

2. my first ever live show. so wwe took like a ten year break between coming to finland, and then they decided to show up again in 2019. now me and my brother are both adults compared to the last time they were here, we were both making our own income and were like FUCK IT LETS GO. and thus we ended up in our first ever live show. i still fucking tear up thinking that oh my god i saw all these peeps live. i was one of the few people (there was like. four of us, me and my brother and some kiddos across the arena) chanting 'sami zayn sucks' which is still one of my fondest memories ngl LOL. such an emotional and amazing night, would do again in a heartbeat and i dont even watch this company anymore lol

and 3. those two nights we watched battle in the valley with @ss-trashboat (feels high key weird to tag you in this since you asked this LOL). the first night the whole karl thing happened and i fucking lost my mind, you literally heard me cry on voice. and the second night just. as a whole. seeing buddy again after months since his release, you freaking out over will, just juice, both of us losing it over jay. and being sleep deprived to hell and back on both nights cause lol timezones and just man. i love wrestling and i love you so much this whole thing honestly meant so much to me im ah <33

wrestling asks ~

[fox-steward]

hi, not sure if this blog is active bc im on mobile but you seem v knowledgeable so i hope you are. i have a question if thats ok. ive been id'ing as ftm trans/nb for about 6 years now but havent rlly been able to come out to many ppl or transition at all so im still largely presenting as female. i wouldnt rlly call myself gender critical or anything like that, but i know transitioning is a long & difficult process and im wondering if there is a way to alleviate my dysphoria without going (1/2)

“thru all that. i dont want to transition only to realize that i dont feel better and there was an easier way. in other words, id like to rule out any possibility that im not trans before medically investing in being trans. any chance you have any advice for me? (2/2)”

hey there—still active, if sporadic.

when it comes to healing from dysphoria, there’s no cure-all, no hidden path to healing that you’ve simply yet to uncover. just as there’s no way to guarantee transition will make you happy, there’s no opposite guarantee either. i can only share some of the stuff that has worked for me and some of the hardships i uncovered about living as trans, which i hope you find helpful.

what helps me?

get clear with yourself about what you believe about gender, ideologically. i personally feel, if my beliefs do not stand up to critical thought, if they cannot be supported by rational arguments, then those beliefs are not worth holding on to and i need to let them go. this is what happened to me WRT transness, gender, and all that.

start small—what is gender? is gender innate? do we have gendered souls? how could we have gendered souls if gender is a social construct? okay, so we can’t have gendered souls, so what is gender, if not innate? is gender the social expectations and norms attached to the two sexes? is it possible to break those roles and expectations? does breaking those roles and expectations change anyone’s sex? no—males can behave in typically feminine ways and females in typically masculine ways and that does nothing to change their sex. so what would conceivably make someone (or myself) trans? inhabiting the social roles and expectations of the gender associated with the opposite sex. since we already established that gender isn’t innate and we don’t have gendered souls, there’s no merit in the “born in the wrong body” narrative; it is not possible to be born in the wrong body. we each get one body, no matter how we change it. but if i wasn’t born in the wrong body, why do i feel so uncomfortable with mine, especially with the sexed aspects of it? if you’re female, the likely culprit is misogyny. you don’t actually have to hate women on a conscious level to be suffering from internalized misogyny. we live in a misogynistic world, it saturates everything. if you’re female, it affects almost every factor of how you move through this world—how people treat you, what opportunities you’re given, which behaviors are encouraged for you and which are discouraged, etc. if you are inclined to prefer masculinity—for whatever reason—society will encourage this in males and discourage it in females. having your way of being subtly discouraged all the time can easily lead to feeling disconnected from your body, perhaps even hating it, especially since you know that your way of being would be ENCOURAGED if only your body were male. and that’s when many of us encounter trans ideology that tells us we CAN be male—in fact, we actually were all along! all we have to do is change our bodies drastically with lifelong medication and surgery, all we have to do is trade money and time and health to convincingly imitate the opposite sex—THEN society will finally recognize that our way of being is okay—because we were actually masculine MEN all along, it was simply our female bodies obscuring that. does this feel like a good or healthy trade to you? it doesn’t to me, but i can’t make these decisions for you.

there IS an important caveat, a shortcut that bypasses this bad trade entirely—and that’s realizing that your way of being is ALREADY okay. masculine females and feminine males are healthy and good. it’s not always easy to comfortably BE that way in a society that does not embrace masculinity in women and femininity in men, but the solution is not to change your self, it’s to change the society. and the only way you can do that is by carving out that path—BE a masculine female/woman and you’ll show little girls today that there’s a place for them in this world.

i did try out the trade for myself, however, and i learned a few things you might find useful—maybe these lessons i learned can save you the time and money and pain i’ve already spent.

1) you never actually change sex. you’re always chasing the aesthetic imitation of the opposite sex with transition, but never becoming the opposite sex. in this and so many other ways, transition never ends.

2) passing is conditional. when your sense of self is predicated upon others seeing you a certain way, it can be taken from you in a second. i could be treated like one of the guys for a year, until one of them finds out i was born female. now that he knows, he cannot unknow. now my experience is tied to how he sees me—does he see me as a woman now that he knows? is he comfortable with me in the locker room? it was stressful and uncomfortable for others to have this level of control over my experience of the world and of myself. it’s also out of my control whether he decides to lend manhood to me now—will he use male pronouns with me? will he call me a woman? will he out me to the others? will he sexualize me or sexually assault me based on my female body?

3) as stated above, transition never ends. no matter how well you pass, transition always requires maintenance. you’ll need bloodwork as long as you’re on hormones—that’s time and money you wouldn’t have otherwise spent. you’ll need supplies for your hormone shots—time and money you wouldn’t have spent. there will be instances where you need to disclose your trans status, thus repeating the coming out process infinitely—doctors or EMTs, new intimate partners, friends. this process is exhausting and othering, it’s an ever-present reminder of the fact that you’re trans.

4) medical transition is expensive in terms of money and heath. taking hormones is always a risk. there’s potential for: cardiovascular risk associated with testosterone, vaginal atrophy and sexual side effects, changes to mood (some for the better, some worse), not liking how hormones change your body. then there’s the financial aspect. in the USA at least, this costs money—money for doctor’s visits, money for the hormones themselves, money for the supplies to administer them. there’s risk in any surgery—risk of death or serious complication, loss of function and sensation, improper healing, chronic pain. and of course, the monetary cost associated with surgery. removing the uterus can have lifelong consequences—early onset dimentia, lifelong need for synthetic hormones, osteoporosis.

5) there is no “actually trans.” there’s no meaningful distinction between “true trans” people and others. trans people transition and identify as trans. their dysphoria isn’t any different than mine was. there’s no method for parsing “real dysphoria” from something else. transness is an ideology. i liken it to religion. there are no “real christians” and fake christians, there are only people who believe and those who don’t. that’s the salient difference between myself (detransitioner) and trans people—belief. and if something requires me to believe in it to be real...well that’s a good indication it probably isn’t.

good luck out there. these are heavy questions and weighty struggles. there’s no harm in focusing on other aspects of your life when you’re having trouble answering Big Gender Questions. rooting for you.

[aro-aizawa]

suprisingly not that many people ship them, but the thing is. the "&" is literally in the top 3 relationships!! i have not been in a fandom where a "&" is one of the most popular rships. (im not exactly.. against them? i prefer brotp in general but there are a lot of uh racist antis against that romantic ship so i like it on principle for the ~spite~)

i think theres a difference between a ship fic and a ..normal fic(?). like. usually in ship fics the plot and the focus would be their interactions/getting together. whereas for regular fics u can kinda balance plot and rship, but the main plot isnt actually getting together. do u kinda get what i mean haha

no no feel free to rant! its kinda funny that they taught u to swear in yr6 but rip for not being able to censor urself. and also. broke up. over facebook??? better or worse than text lmao.

the only rship ive had started off... not great. like it was an online friend from south america, and they asked me out literally the day i rejected my friend. so... i said yes out of guilt for rejecting my friend bc it didnt look like my friend was taking the rejection well ^^; not a wonderful start rip. went well for 6-8 months then we broke up bc the honeymoon period wore off and i havent talked to them since! ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻 it was fun tho, but it felt honestly just more online friends tbh (....interesting decisions all around yknow? )

it be how it be. i was still id'ing as panromantic ace at the time. but still. im wondering if i could eventually "work" with someone? or is that just. allonormative asgsggshshd

i see enemies to lovers but what i Rlly want is enemies to friends to lovers. the friends is necessary!! at least in a long fic haha. ...and love at first sight sounds really fake to me? it sounds just like a hyperbole tbh. like maybe it was first wow u seem like a great person and then u like, get to know each other and then fall in love, etc etc

(👀 oop i type a lot. Rip)

oh yiiiikes i hate when fandom gets those racist fans. i’m kind of,,, dense?? about that kind of thing (abt a lot of similar things too), so whenever i see it, it’s like. mega bad. but nice! i don’t ever pay attention to what’s the most popular in terms of ao3 because when i get into a fandom i’ll blacklist every thing i’m not comfortable seeing in said fandom and then save that for when i’m gonna check out said fandom. for example [here is my atla filters], [here is my mha filters] and [here is my ml filters]. (i also use an extention called ao3rdr which has a blacklist function and my blacklist is SO LONG. but it’s an essential so that i don’t feel like my brain is going to rot by trying to find good fics.)

ye!!! i always think abt it in terms similar to genres. i hate watching films and regular books because genres are so....stilted? and ridgid in what it involves? so in fandom terms i think there’s two main kind of genre categories that have sub categories. there’s ship fic, then there’s genfic. no clue if these are wide spread terms i’ve just kind of understood it that way lol. but within those two categories, there’s sub genres like canon divergence that focus on said ship but with a focus on the plot as well so there’s two plots going on rather than just the main plot. usually there’s always equals in both sides. i think that’s what you’re thinking of. the difference is how the authors approach their fics, whether they think it’s a ship fic explorating the how do they get together of relationships or if it’s the genfic of exploring the relationship itself.

lmao yeah it was like. the only way we’d communicate in non-irl fashion because we were both like. 12/13 so we’d have like. pay as you go plans for our phones so i at least, hoarded my credit and primarily used alternate communication methods. so idk if this is wide spread but at the time we never got into the habit of communicating via text. it’s why still to this day i never ever contact my irl friends via texts, and always through social media (the only time i ever use facebook nowadays is to message my friends tho i’ve been,,,, rather lax abt that. i need to respond to one of my group chats but i’m,,, procrastinating). and we were both awkward people, so i wasn’t bothered by the online breakup, if he didn’t break up w me that way i’d have guessed we just,,, wouldn’t address the relationship ever again and still technically be together but not at the same time lol

oh man that sounds rough. never had any experiences w online relationships, but i can definitely see where it could feel like an online friendship. because,,, idk maybe it’s just me but there doesn’t??? seem like there’s much?? romantic-esque stuff you can do exclusively online?? it’s why long distance relationships are hard, and they only fit certain couples. and lol i deffo understand that feel of internet friends dropping out of your life suddenly. i still think of nearly all my internet friends fondly...except for the bad ones. yeah some of those ones ten years ago were p bad.

it is!! i think that people always shorten it to just enemies to lovers though because it’s easier to say lol. i’m MUCH more interested in the genfic varient of enemies to found family because it goes from “god i want to kill you so bad” to “god i need to kill for you like rn”. it’s just,,, *chef’s kiss*

(dw i type a LOT too lmaooo and sorry it took so long for me to reply, i didn’t feel like talking to anyone for a few days ahah i just get those kinds of moods sometimes. as evidenced by my also ignoring of my friend group chat of over seven years, that i’ve been meaning to reply to for over 24 hours and i haven’t yet. yay.)

[mollydollyjournals]

Lol this always happens. I feel sad and shit and worthless basically all the time but then i have a drink and suddenly i wanna talk about it. Or talk about anything that makes me feel like i can actually relate to people who want to relate to me. I have a message from my friend, who probably at this point is my best friend, a reply to something i sent before. But it says shes had a really hectic day and i remember her saying everything she was doing so i dont wanna start being talkative. She probably needs to rest. She doesnt often say no to people even when she needs to so i dont want to push.

When i was at her place the other day i mentioned i had a tumblr where i talk about mental health "bad stuff." She asked if it might be a good thing to get my tumblr just so she knows im okay. I felt like its nice of her to ask but i dont want to bother her with it when i know she has her own stuff to deal with. I ssid it was for me to post all my worst stuff and she said something like 'yeah you should be able to post if ive annoyed you' but like its not that, its just 1) i much more bluntly state here what i really want to talk about on my regular social media, about struggling and wanting to die and feeling shit shoht myself etc, and 2) she's the person im most jealous of. Not because she doesnt deserve the nice things, i just want them too. Whenever we go anywhere together people will stop her in the street and compliment her, and they act like i dont exist. Even if i felt like i didnt look so bad that day.

Ive mentioned this before. I hate it. Im glad that even my initial intrusive thoughts havent been that i wish she didnt have x good thing, but i really struggle knowing that its all stuff i want and cant have. Shes a genuinely wonderful person, but shes also everything ive always wanted to be.

Ive sort of mentioned this to her in the past as she was dating my husband a couple of years ago. I had a huge freakout, and i dont usually get jealous with poly stuff. It just hit all my triggers and i felt like i was gonna get forgotten. In the end they broke up for a few reasons but yeah.

Idk. Like maybe i put her on a pedestal or something. Thats not fair to anyone. I just also relate to her about a lot of stuff, so i like talking to her about shit thats on my mind, but i dont want to be a bother. And this is the person who's probably the lost validating to me with telling me that im not being a bother, because she knows what that insecurity feels like. Idk i just dont want to be too much. I dont know how to not be too much except to pull back entirely. Anyone whos ever been close to me has had to keep pushing me for it and deal with me being nervous as shit. If i really dont want to be around someone I'll straight up tell them, but even when i do want to hang with someone, im so bad at saying so. Im a fucking adult why cant i do it. But all the people close to me, i thought about it at some point and realised its the same with all of them - they had to keep sending the first message and coming to see me and making it super clear they wanted to be around me.

I always see stuff like 'if they want to talk to you they will' and thats exactly my problem. I think like that. But if people think like that about me, it looks like i hate everyone. I want to talk to people a lot but i just might be too nervous, or not know what to say, or all kinds of things. And i guess that's fine if thats all thats in your way of messaging me, but realistically surely its not fair if i always expect other people to send the first message and invite me places etc. The only way i know to get around it is drinking, and it doesnt even always work, and then its just another reason i have such a drinking problem, and then i feel like the pathetic alcoholic acquaintance that nobody wants to be around, and its just the same shit.

Its not like i didnt know this would happen. I dont get any decent social interaction out of drinking anymore. It makes me more talkative and more direct but people will either get weirded out by that or they already know me and it doesnt make any difference to them. I still sober up and feel like i made everything awkward. I always feel like i made everything awkward. I always need so much reassurance. Its tiring.

[dumbcuckbucket]

i uhh wrote a thing and i just need to put it somewhere and forget it exists.

no one talks about the ugly nights when youre chronically ill. you hear about the bad nights, the dangerous nights, and occasionally even the good nights. but you rarely hear about the nights when someone lays awake in bed, crying from pain that they cant stop and wondering why the fuck they deserve to feel this way.

why am i, at twenty, so tired of living in so much pain all the time, that im questioning life? not in a suicidal way, let me make that very clear. ive been actively suicidal before, and this is different. i want to stop existing, but i dont want to die. i simply want to stop hurting.

why is it that when the sun comes up and ive gotten little to no sleep, my body still screaming in pain, must i pretend i am okay? brush it off as simply a life i am used to and thats that. i am used to it, but why must that be okay? why must i exist this way?

around nine i will roll out of bed and pretend my joints dont burn and that my head doesnt weep and act as if i havent spent the better part of the night terrified of how my illness will affect my future and silently sobbing about it. i’ll feed my dog and take him out. there’s some fresh air. its nice, but i’m tired. i want to lay down again.

i’ll shower, which will take so much of my energy that i do not have anymore. i’ll make phone calls. it seems like all my life is is phone calls, and then spaces between calls where life moves around me and i make no progress. i’ll call my doctor and ask for blood tests to see if my meds are working. i’ll call a different doctor to make sure my referral was granted by my other doctor. if it hasnt been, i’ll call that doctor.

i have an appointment at 11. its supposed to help. im getting screened for adhd and other mental disabilities that may be affecting my studies. what doesnt affect my studies anymore? im stressed about work, im stressed about my family, im stressed about covid and money and my studies and i am so tired. its supposed to help. i am already so resigned to hear that theres nothing wrong, because nothing is ever wrong if i dont fight and get different opinions. i am so fucking tired of fighting. i hope i get the help i need, because i dont think i can keep trying to get it.

my mom died. did i tell you that? two years ago, right after i moved away for college. her birthday is in 9 days. i wish i could talk to her. its hard, holding resentment for someone because of how they treated you while missing them so deeply it feels like a bullet wound.

her funeral was weird. it never really hit me that she died. i mean, i know shes dead. ive known. but when the treatments stopped and the cancer spread, she died long before her heart stopped. i wish i had better memories. i know there had to be good ones there, but i only remember the bad and the dying.

its crazy that of all the things that could be wrong with me, its chronic shitting disease. it feels like a joke. trying to talk about a chronic illness in almost any setting is hard enough. imagine that chronic illness relating to poop. it sucks.

after my appointment i have to go pick up a prescription. i hope it helps. it needs to help, because i am so tired of doctors and phone calls and the ever piling list of meds that dont work. having medication lists sent to new doctors and having to say “no i stopped that one when i started this one” and “that one didnt work” over and over and over gets exhausting. i don’t remember half of the meds they name anymore.

my roommates dont understand. i wish they did. they dont realize how hard it is for me to brush my teeth, let alone cook and clean. then to have to socialize with them at the end of the day feels like pulling teeth. i love them. theyre my best friends, my tether to life when i feel like im floating while the world moves without me. i just wish they understood.

i’ll try to go to class after i get my prescription. i’ll log on and ignore it, like i always do. i’ll lay down in bed with my computer muted, looking through twitter or looking at etsy. anything to not deal with the real world for a few minutes. the real world is so exhausting.

im still crying, but its fine. this is my life, its how it is. im used to it. its okay. (a lie, but a good one).

i’ll call my dad. i’ll lie when he asks how i am. i’ll tell him im tired because i havent slept well this week (lie of omission). he’ll ask how im feeling. i’ll tell him im fine (a direct lie). ill tell him about my appointment and my new inhaler and all the calls ive made. i’ll make a joke about how much it all fucking sucks (not a joke, but my tone doesnt let the truth out). he’ll tell me about his days off. he’ll tell me about work, and the grocery shopping he did, and how he still has laundry and that he hasnt done anything in the garage yet. he’ll tell me what hes making for dinner. i’ll say it sounds good (a lie; nothing sounds good to me anymore) and i’ll say im jealous (a truth; i miss his food). we’ll sit in silence for a bit, then he’ll say “well i gotta get going” and we’ll say goodbye. he’ll say i love you. i’ll say it back (the final truth). one of us will remember something to talk about. we’ll say goodbye again.

i’ll lay down again, and while the sun is out i wont think about how much i hate this. how i, at twenty, dont deserve this. how i have had my future robbed from me so i can make calls and appointments and run through a mile long list of medications.

my dog will lay down with me, and i will feel guilty for not taking him to the park to play.

i’ll remember i have to pay rent. i get up to do it. i bring my dog, and we go to the park. he runs himself hard, so we only stay for half an hour. we’ll go home, he’ll be happy, and i’ll be exhausted. i’ll go lay down and vaguely think about my school work. i wont do it. i’ll let my roommates decide what we do for the night. i’ll try to make some food, or order something. they’ll make fun of me, not realizing it hurts that they dont see that being alive is so hard for me. they dont understand, but thats okay. it has to be okay.

ive stopped crying. my knees and ankles and elbows and fingers still hurt. my stomach churns and my head is pounding, but im used to it. its okay. it has to be okay.

[isthisthingeven0n]

cartier bracelet : j.w

brief summary: being something with jeff, based loosely on the lyrics of cartier by bazzi 

there are hints of smut, but literally nothing. merely implied tbh. also I took inspo from an old piece, you might recognise it you might not but it doesn’t matter either way. hope you enjoy :)

* masterlist * 

The first time it happened was meant to be a fluke, a drunken accident. One I enjoyed a little bit too much as I woke up beside him, the sunlight lining his jaw as he mumbled nonsense in his sleep. That was going to be the first and only time it should’ve happened, but not everything works out that way.

A month later, the second time it happened. We were all having a pool party at Todd's, I skidded and cut my elbow. He was the first to offer as he walked me inside to the bathroom. I sat quietly, having not been in only his company since that night. 

He was sweet and caring as he cleaned my arm from the crimson that covered it. I closed my eyes, drowning out the pain. But then I felt his soft lips against mine and I couldn’t resist wanting more. 

It was a feeling I wasn’t sure how to put into words at the time, but now I’ve learnt. Desire. 

There was a sense of longing to be with him whenever we had the chance. I would sit, scrolling through our friend's social media whilst we lay in bed, sweat glistening off of his forehead as he smiled over at me awaiting round two. 

Neither of us was sure where it was going, but we weren’t eager to call it quits, especially when the fun was only just beginning. 

*

Walking into the living room I sat down next to Zane, resting my head on his shoulder as he brought me into a hug. “How you doin’ baby.” He asks as I yawn loudly. “We keeping you up?” A laugh escapes my lips as I shake my head, lifting my hand up to wipe my eyes. 

“Didn’t get much sleep last night.” I mutter before glancing over to Jeff who smiles to himself as he sits with his laptop on his lap, editing a video. 

David walks in with his camera before pausing at the sight of me. “Holy shit.” He mutters as he walks closer, his eyes widening with joy. “You got a Cartier bracelet? How?” Based on his tone he’s completely shocked by the concept. 

Glancing down I let out a dry laugh, completely forgetting it was on. “I have my ways.” I shrug it off, but knowing David there was no way I would get out of the conversation that easily.

“You have your ways to a spare five thousand dollars?” Zane sits upright now, letting me fall face first into the couch. 

Keeping my head hidden I give David a thumbs up, receiving a light laugh from the other side of the room. 

“Oh hold up.” Zane mutters as he takes a hold of my wrist, moving the bracelet. “This is a love bracelet. Whose got you all loved up, Y/n?” 

Under my breath, I silently swear before lifting myself back up to sit upright. I briefly glance over to Jeff who wears a nervous smile. “Ever heard of self-love?” I laugh lightly, throwing them off as David shrugs his shoulders, lowering his camera before sitting by Jeff. 

Returning to my conversation with Zane I glance over to Jeff, seeing him sneak glances to me as I place my hand over the bracelet, shame crossing over me as the bracelet touches my skin. 

*

Standing up I reach over, wrapping my silk robe around my body as I walk without saying another word straight to the bathroom. “Hey, are you alright?” He calls out from the bedroom, but keep quiet as I turn the shower on, feeling the steam already rising as it begs for me to embrace the warmth I’m craving. 

The sound of him calling my name once again makes me sigh. “I’m just having a shower.” I respond as I slip the robe off before climbing in. 

Closing my eyes I hum to myself under the warmth, running my fingers through my hair until the sound of footsteps snaps me out of it. 

“God, you look fucking beautiful.” He mutters as he stares at me with a big smile on his face. “I could stare at you all day, you looking like that with that bracelet.” Glancing down I cover the bracelet with my right hand before reaching down for the soap. “Why’d you do that?” 

I let out a small sigh. “Are you ashamed of us?” I ask quietly before opening my eyes, staring into his deep brown ones as he raises his eyebrows in confusion. 

A scoff escapes his lips as he steps into the shower, closing the space between us. “Why would I be ashamed of you baby? I thank the Lord every day that he made someone as perfect as you.” He rests his hand on my cheek, caressing it before moving closer, kissing me softly. “If this is about the other day,” He trails off, knowing exactly what I mean.

“I know we don’t exactly have a definition for this,” I motion between the two of us as he smiles. “but my neighbours think you’re my boyfriend, my family are wondering about the guy I’m spending so much time with.” 

“Your parents want to meet me?” He beams as I shake my head in disbelief. “No, no don’t do that.” He places his hand under my jaw, making me meet his eyes as water pours down my back and flattens his hair against his forehead. “I just haven’t felt like this in a long time.” 

“Neither have I, Jeff.” I mutter in response as I sigh. “But is this just us craving one another or wanting more?” 

Jeff shrugs his shoulders before smiling to himself. “I guess there’s only one way to find out for sure.” He mumbles before stepping out of the shower and standing still before his smile grows. “How do you make that Cartier bracelet look worthless on your priceless figure?” 

“You smooth talker.” I joke before closing my eyes as I rub soap over my body, hearing him on the phone in the bedroom. 

*

“So, what’re we filming exactly?” I ask David as I sit in the passenger seat, fiddling with the ends of my hair. 

He grits his teeth as his eyebrows rise and I lean back towards the door, waiting for him to admit the reason I’m here in his car. “I had Natalie order me something online.” He reaches down between my legs and I tense up before he lifts something up and I immediately start laughing. 

“Can I taste your pussy?” I ask David who laughs harder before showing the camera the drink. 

“I want you to ask all the guys to taste your pussy.” He passes me the drink and I shake my head in disbelief. 

“You’re unbelievable sometimes Dobrik.” I mutter under my breath before I swap seats with him, having a practice round on him before we begin the prank. “So, David.” I bite my lip as I focus on his eyes. “I want you to taste my pussy.” I lick my lips before glancing downwards. 

“Oh my god, perfect.” He claps as I smile brightly. “They won’t know what’s hit them.” 

*

I force myself to stop smiling as Josh walks back into the house and I compose myself for the next victim. 

“How is this so easy?” I mutter under my breath as I give the camera a thumbs up, not even hearing the car door open and see as Jeff slips in beside me. 

“What’s up? David said you had something to show me?” He asks as he licks his lips, eyeing mine evidently. 

I straighten up before placing my hand on his thigh. “Jeff, how would you feel about tasting my pussy?” Swallowing back my laugh Jeff is almost unphased by the request as he shuffles in his seat, ignoring the camera entirely. 

“Right here?” He asks as I glance down, seeing his hand creeping closer and closer up my leg. “You know I’ll do it, baby.” He growls under his breath as he leans over, kissing me greedily. 

Pushing him off of me I let out a small laugh. “You’re going to kill me.” I mutter as he stares at me in confusion. “It’s rolling.” 

His eyes widen before he leans forward, glancing up to the viewfinder whilst I quietly sit in the corner of the frame. “Welp.” He mutters. “David, hello. I guess you’re the first to find out so congrats.” He laughs lightly before looking over at me with a warm smile. “Meet my girlfriend, Y/n.” 

[thefeckisthis]

i’m baack!

nope, you might have hoped that I stopped writing and Im sorry to disappoint you because i didnt. #sorrynotsorry

just havent written for a while, things happened, world shut down and all. now im back with bit of bitching again. and again im not sure how long this will be, and what exactly will i write but i feel like giving out about some stuff and some people, so stick around! first of all, in a way i wonder how antisocial my life is because this staying at home isnt much different than my everyday introvert (people hating) life. im surprised tho, i still work full time, finished dan browns origin that took me over a year to finish (might tell you how interesting it is compared to all his previous ones that I read in under a week). started new book, finished it in a week and a half, started a new one. so book reading is going well, i walk my dog often sometimes for over an hour, almost finished better call saul (great show if you watched breaking bad, explains a lot!), went back to my laptop gaming (sorry ps4 and sorry money i spent on it), btw im playing witcher 2 and sims 4 mostly. spent hours sometimes watching YT. worked out every second day, did online dancing classes, my time was fullfilled. work has been hectic because of some people, then this virus making it bit more hectic, then people making my life hectic, my anxiety was spiking, ya know, usual march in your life. dont ask me how did i manage to do all that

im not actually anxious because about getting virus, im happy to stay home, but things chained up, one after another and i used books and games to keep me occupied :D

things come and go, you just need to know how to control not yourself, but how you react to those things.when times get tough, you need to get tougher!

now lets get to the bitching part.

ha notice the new ‘’keep reading’’ part? stupid of me to not put it sooner.

Im a weird one. i know. ive been told that many times. with that im difficult one as well. just mixture of everything. what im mostly interested in is people and peoples minds, and no, i would never be a sociologist or psychologist as im at the same time really annoyed with people and lack of communication. and you know that most of people are assholes. at the same time im an introvert, and i have social anxiety but i also like to experience new things and go places and do things that involve other people. i dont say im smart or better than anyone, i did experience in multiple situations that many people are not on the same level as me and makes me wonder how did you survive till this point in your life?

take this pandemic for instance. all the panic buyers and people reading and believing everything they see on tv (watch V for Vendetta and it will make you question things). the simple rule is dont go out. and what people do? they go out. like since when do you hike every day? bullshit sit at home and watch tv. if youre smart youll do something useful. kids coughing at people around as  part of the challenge, like wtf? how are we still allowed to reproduce as a race? is brain dying out with every single generation? Maybe the world did deserve this virus, survival of the fittest, if you get what i mean.

anyway lets go back to people again. (like i talked about something else). im such a why person and i tend to see through peoples bullshit. i always say that honest communication is best way to avoid bad situations. 

and being honest requires some balls, and this year some people have been proving they dont have any. usually i dont believe in second chances, if i do give someone a second chance then there is a good reason. but like when i give someone three opportunities to be honest and the other person keeps on bullshitting and they know i know its not true, thats where i draw a line. its mostly for me to see how far can one person go and treat me in that way. if i do persue that long be sure that i know what youre saying is not true, i just want to know how far can you go. one thing is if people change their minds, ok, i dont mind, let me know. treating me as im stupid thats downright disrespectful and low blow. i keep seeing that thats more reflection of who they are and not who you are and you all should keep that in mind. 

as said, im an introvert, i wont text someone first mostly and my close friends know that and dont mind, they dont think i hate them, we’re still friends. my method is mirroring, how you treat me thats how i treat you. if youve ever wondered why i treat you the way i do, step back and think about your own actions.

in these days of modern technology  our everyday communication is through mobile phones and the easiest way is to pretend you didnt see something or something like i didnt have my phone with me. 

like cmon, it 2020. we both know its bullshit. just stop being an asshole and be honest, grow some balls and tell that person what is actually up. whether its your friend, family, someone youve been talking to - little honesty goes long way and can solve many problems. no one deserves to be treated that way and it only reflects bad on you.

i know its hard, it is way easier to just ignore and pretend it doesnt exsist and hope it goes away, but its not the way. i had situations like that, and being a person who always wants to know why i always want to give people the reason why, either if they ask me or if the situation requires it. i had situations when someone was trying so hard around me and i wasnt feeling the same way but i told them honestly what is up, yeah, some of them stopped talking to me which i completely understand and with some i still talk to this day, some of the even thanked me for being honest.

COMMUNICATION is the key kids, dont be cowards.

[lizzodorito]

quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically,  but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all  the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt 

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted 

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same 

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for 

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so 

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun 

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng 

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME 

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with. 

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to  have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are 

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to  be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind