#if you can’t grow your own skeleton handmade is fine

[littlegreyboots]

Lux ft their weird imitation skeleton

[redorich]

(Hermit Canyon AU)

Eventually, the Hermit seems to get attached to Puffy. It makes sense- it's been trading gifts with her for months now, and has even shown itself to her a few times, albeit while invisible.

The other SMPers don't think much of it at first. The more curious members ask Puffy questions about The Hermit sometimes, but she knows little, so they quickly give up. Occasionally someone will try to explore the ridiculously trapped town, but they give up once it's obvious they're not getting in.

The trades grow more and more valuable, and one day Puffy opens her barrel to find a beacon, and enough iron to fully power it. She's stunned, naturally. To think the Hermit is so capable it can kill a Wither just to give a beacon away- she can barely believe it.

(In actuality, they cheesed it on the Nether roof, but she doesn't know that)

She does try to hide it, but word gets around, and after another few failed raids on the town (and some rumours that the Hermit can teleport), things settle down again, as much as they can on the SMP.

Then someone steals Puffy's beacon. {You decide who, because I. don't actually watch DSMP, admittedly.}

Puffy, naturally, is devestated- she can't imagine the work the Hermit put into getting it for her in the first place (the most time-consuming thing was getting the Wither skulls, and it wasn't even that bad). But there's not really much she can do, so she carries on.

Except, the next day, the thief wakes up to find their house full of chickens, Puffy's beacon missing, and every single empty space in their chests filled with strategically renamed light grey stained glass panes.

They go outside to find the entire contents of a cave spider spawner on their front lawn. Alongside a ravager. With speed potions. Renamed Pamela's Revenge.

(Cue half the SMP trying to find out who Pamela is)

Puffy, meanwhile, wakes to find her beacon back in its rightful place, and a beautifully terraformed garden outside her house (Scar accidentally detonated a creeper and naturally had to fix the hole...and then went a little overboard. But it's fine.)

op i want you to know that i considered just posting your ask, because it’s already So Good and practically a fic on its own, but i really wanted even more content so i wrote it myself. ANYWAY here’s sapnap’s terrible horrible no good very bad day xD

It’s risky, doing anything on the wide open Nether roof where anyone can see. Hell, using a beacon at all is risky for the Hermits. Still, they’ve got all sorts of farms and copious amounts of materials at their fingertips. They’re past early game, stuck in mid-game while they wait for Etho to scope out more locations, while they build the second Upside Down (which Grian has named the Upside-ier Down), while they build their joint bases miles out from civilization. 

Having a beacon would make the process faster, they reason to themselves. They certainly aren’t risking being discovered just because they’re bored and getting a beacon is an excuse to do something. And hell, Tango made that giant, super-efficient wither skeleton skull farm right next to his double blaze spawner farm, so they might as well mass-produce Nether stars by killing multiple Withers. It’s not that difficult.

On another note, it’s after they gift Puffy one of their many beacons, in addition to a kit of iron blocks for powering the beacon that the Hermits realize that while their gifts are increasing in expense, Puffy’s are... not. So, if Puffy’s around average in the Dream SMP economy, they’ve figured out where most players meet their limit. She hasn’t stopped dropping by, though, which is nice. Her gifts become increasingly handmade, in lieu of upping the ante on material wealth. The Hermits suppose that hand-crafted items have a value that extends past money. Each and every one of them has something that she’s made for them, whether it be a shawl, a blanket, a set of earrings, a bracelet, or a pair of socks.

Apparently the beacon is more of a Big Deal than the Hermits thought. After all, the rainbow castle has several. However, the Hermits realize that they’ve been shortsighted. While it is true that the rainbow castle has several beacons, the castle is the only place that they’ve seen any beacons.

Sapnap steals the beacon. He doesn’t particularly need it, but he wants it, and stealing is fun. Maybe if he’s lucky, he’ll even start another minor war over it. He hasn’t fought Puffy very much. He wonders if she can put up a good fight.

Puffy’s-- not distraught, but she’s upset. That was a gift from the Hermit, a friend who she’s been pulling out of its shell. She doesn’t have much use for a beacon, but then again, neither does Sapnap; he’s just a dick. Just in case, Puffy leaves a note with the rest of the items she leaves in her barrel:

Dear Hermit,

I’m very sorry for losing the beacon you gave me. I made the mistake of keeping it in a normal chest instead of an Ender chest, so Sapnap stole it. I should have seen that coming. I’ll try to get it back, but if I don’t, please know that I didn’t throw it away.

Thank you,

Puffy.

Sapnap wakes up in the middle of a lake. His mattress is floating, and when he tries to paddle back to shore (once he’s done screaming), the mattress tips over and he receives an unpleasant fishy wakeup call. He trudges into his house for a shower, and finds that the showerhead, as well as all his faucets, have been stuffed with ramen noodle seasoning. 

He looks in his chests for a bucket of water. The first chest he checks is not only full of light gray glass, but also trapped. When he opens it, pufferfish fall out of the ceiling and bounce around. He dies to their poison twice before they finally die. The next chest he opens also has light gray glass, no water buckets, and a trap. This one, though, only releases a metric fuckton of chickens into his house. It’s fine. This is fine.

As he looks through his chests, he realizes something. They’ve got glass in them, sure, and they’ve been raided of water buckets, but... the beacon is gone. None of his other items, like enchanted netherite tools or literal diamond blocks, have been stolen. Just Puffy’s beacon.

Whoever pranked him missed a bucket, so he promptly dumps it over his head in an effort to smell less like pond scum and spicy chicken noodles. It takes the whole day to get his base back in order: he’s got to clean out all the faucets, empty all the glass from his chests, throw out all the dead pufferfish, and slaughter chickens by the dozens.

He can’t sleep. Are you fucking kidding. He can’t sleep. A soft hiss catches his attention, only audible now that the quiet of night has fallen. Is there somehow an unlit cave under his base?

Nope. As he steps outside onto his front lawn, he sees a daylight detector near the door that he missed when he came inside this morning. The daylight detector seems to have released approximately fifteen bajillion cave spiders onto his lawn, and they’re all angry, so he shuts the front door in their faces and goes back inside. That’s a problem for tomorrow’s him.

Horns spear the wall right next to where Sapnap was standing five seconds ago. He yelps. What the fuck is a ravager doing on his front porch? And why the FUCK does it have speed potion particles?!

<Sapnap was slain by Pamela’s Revenge>

<Sapnap was slain by Pamela’s Revenge>

<Sapnap hit the ground too hard whilst trying to escape Pamela’s Revenge>

<Sapnap was slain by Cave Spider>

<Sapnap was slain by Pamela’s Revenge>

<Georgenotfound> who is pamela’s revenge

<Sapnap> ;RVAER

<Sapnap> HELP

<Sapnap> RAVEAGER

<Sapnap was slain by Pamela’s Revenge>

<Georgenotfound> good night sapnap :)

<Sapnap> GEORGE OYU BITCH HLEP ME

<Sapnap was slain by Pamela’s Revenge>

<Georgenotfound> zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

-------

Puffy sees a whole lot of nonsense in the chat when she wakes up in the morning, and promptly decides to ignore it. She goes about her morning as usual, heading out to her front porch to sip a cup of coffee in peace. 

She... has a garden now. Hm. That wasn’t there before. And come to think of it, neither was the beacon she lost.

“Thanks, Hermit,” she says with a smile.

-------

Stress sips a cup of tea, having breakfast in Grian’s rustic sitting room with a few of her fellow Hermits.

“D’ya think we went overboard?” she says.

“...Nah,” Cub says.

[smallpersiankitten]

Monster Lover

Read the archive link here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12195630

(Before we start. Hi! This piece is heavily inspired by Piers Anthony's "Zombie Lover." If you haven't read any of his books about the world of Xanth, I really suggest you do. They're delightful and witty and probably some of the first few books I read that legitimately got me into adult literature (Classic literature doesn't count).This isn't technically part of the Must Love Animals Universe so you could read this without reading those stories. I hope you enjoy.)

You couldn’t believe how exhausted you were as you continued to hike in the forest. It was really pretty, you had to admit and you had plenty of time to admire it as you took many stops to catch your breath. You probably would have been more rested had you not stayed up super late chatting with your crush.

You hadn’t planned on it but the minute he asked you if you were free for a video chat later this evening, you just couldn’t say no. As soon as you got home, you had spent your entire evening with your head in the girly magazine you had stolen from work. You highlighted and circled all the beauty and seduction tips. And then spent the last 45 minutes before the call putting on extensive make up but at the same time trying to make it look as natural as possible to get that “just woke up look.” At 8:30 at night.

He was impressed or at least he said he was after being 15 minutes late to the video call. But hey! It’s the thought that counts. You flirted and he flirted back and by the time you were making plans to meet up again, it was nearly 1am. One of the last things he did say was how much he enjoyed girls taking photos in nature.

Hence why you were here. In the forest. He invited you to a get together with some friends in the woods and what perfect way to surprise him than to take a forest photo of your own. Or at least a better one than Brittany.

She had posted one of her sitting on a tree, her hair braided finely into a handmade necklace of daisies and lilacs as she looked out at the rising sun. She was just so fucking perfect and even though you were straight, you couldn't help but feel a slight girl boner for  her. Even after she hashtagged it with #soblessed.

Your crush had not only liked it, but wrote “You're so cute! Can't wait to see you 2nite!” Argh! You know you were being ridiculous and it was probably due to the fact that you were about to start your period. Damn you hormones for making you so emotional. Why did you wear a skirt?!

You were getting sidetracked. You only had a few hours left before the party at the cottages and you couldn't risk showing up without having posted one nature photo of you. You scouted for the perfect spot.

You really didn't want to climb a tree. It would look like you had copied her. Plus you didn't want to get sap in your clothes. You walked past a particular opening only to stop and double back. “Woah.”

You almost didn't see it at first as the low hanging willow leaves acted as almost a veil to the small opening before you. You gently pushed it aside to enter. Moss covered rocks surrounded by a collection of brightly colored wildflowers existed before you. It was rather quiet as you wandered inside, the only other sound was the crunch of wood as you stepped on a broken, weathered sign.

You pulled out your phone and broke out into a smile. There was just the right amount of natural light filtered by the leaves, to set you up for a perfect shot. You spotted a rock large enough to be a bed that was covered in thick moss.

“Maybe I could go for a like sleeping beauty motif thing here,” you contemplated. You climbed onto the rock and lied down, expecting the surface to not look as soft as it appeared.

To your surprise, it was. “Oh, this, this isn't actually too bad.” You settled in before pulling out your phone. Right. Photo time. You posed and smiled as sweetly as you could before snapping a bajillion photos. You flipped through them deleting almost all of them until you found a few that were the closest to what you wanted. Looking innocent and naughty at the same time? Yeah, that was kind of physically impossible.

Not that you weren't a little bit of both. Sure you had taken dicks and gone down on more than a couple of them but you hadn't taken any up the butt so did that make you slightly innocent still? Yes? No? Fuck it, you were so going to get a better photo than Brittany if it was the last thing you did.

Finally, a lucky photo was snapped and you were soon choosing a filter for it. You paused on one that looked like it put a colorful crown of flowers on your head and quickly tapped it. Well, well, look at you. You were starting to look like quite the forest princess there. Your eyes lit up and darted to the little description box. Yes. Forest princess had a nice ring to it. You tapped eagerly on your phone’s keyboard, fitting the caption “Forest Princess” just underneath your shot before posting it online.

You waited, constantly tapping the refresh button. You went to hit it for the 27th time when you stopped. He had liked your photo. Your crush had liked your photo You let out a muted squeal and scrolled down. He left a comment! A comment.

“You’re so beautiful! Tonight can’t come fast enough. <3”

You unmuted your squeal and kicked your legs in the air girlishly. “Ahhh!!! He said I’m beautiful!  He put a heart next to it!” You clutched your phone to your chest. “This, this is the best day ever!” It felt like you were in high school all over again with butterflies in your chest and your voice jumping an octave or two into unintelligible jumble.

You felt yourself grow sleepy as the excitement began to ebb over you. You had a few hours before the party. It wouldn’t do you any good to stay up and get there early only to pass out. Maybe a tiny nap here wouldn’t hurt. No one said there were bears in this part of the forest. And you were pretty secluded so you doubted anyone would jack your shit. You snuggled into your mossy bess and felt yourself drifting off to sleep to the sounds of the birds and nature.

~~~~~~

You awoke to the feeling of suffocation, sending you into an immediate panic. You resisted the impulse to flail as you woke up fully. You opened your eyes only for them to widen in surprise. Something was on top of you, pressing you against your makeshift bed. Oh my God. Was a bear trying to eat your face?! The absence of pain and the prolonged pressure against your lips clued you on to the fact that you weren’t being eaten. You were being kissed.

Who was kissing you? And why weren’t you stopping them? Maybe, it was a kinda nice kiss, maybe not as soft as you liked but for teeth, you really couldn’t complain...hold up, teeth? What in God’s name were you kissing? The realization that it was something inhuman propelled you to act. Your hands quickly shot out and pushed your “attacker” off of you.

You sat up and quickly felt yourself over. Your clothes were still on. Good. You turned your attention to the intruder. “Hey, buddy, what the fu-fuck…?” Your words died in your throat as you stared at the figure in front of you.

The first image that came to mind was a prince. A prince in shiny armor. Of course, the image was shattered the second you realized that the prince was nearly 8ft tall. And he had no skin. You probably should have stated that second fact first. It just seemed the more disconcerting of the two. Holy shit, it was a skeleton.

The skeleton cleared its throat and attempted to speak.

“WHAT ARE YOU?” You beat him to it.

The skeleton stopped and grinned. How did a skull grin? “I’m a skeleton.”

“No shit,” you gasped. “Why were you kissing me?”

“Oh!” The skeleton appeared to blush. How did he do that? “Well, I figured that would be the best way to wake up my future bride!”

“You don’t wake up total strangers with-BRIDE?” You croaked.

He nodded. “Well, yes, I must admit, I was really worried when I came here that I was going to find some really frumpy looking Monster but this is a pleasant surprise indeed. Even though you are human.”

“I-uh, what? What’s wrong with me being human?” You asked.

“Oh! Nothing. Well, not to me. Maybe to others that could be a problem! But definitely not to me! I just don’t meet many humans, much less a member of royalty!”

“A member of royalty?” You echoed.

“I assumed being a princess meant you were royalty?”

“I-what makes you say that?”

He nodded and pulled out a cellphone. “This is your royal portrait, yes?”

You looked at the phone. “Is that my cell phone?! Give me that!” You snatched the phone from his grasp and stared down at the picture. It was the photo you had taken for your crush. Now shared over several different mediums. The words “Forest Princess” taunted you back as the skeleton continued.

“Yes, your majesty. Your followers really love you. You have at least 500 likes.”

“500? Did you say 500 likes?” You echoed disbelievingly, scrolling down. “I’ve never gotten that many likes before,” you muttered.

“You are quite popular. I don’t see your crown anymore. Is it made of magic?” Your picture had spread like wildfire. There were people you didn’t even know commenting from everything to compliments to phone numbers to links to their own pages. And the number was continuously growing. You shook your head. Focus.  

“Hold up, no, no. I’m not...There must be a mistake. You must have me confused for someone else.”

“You were sleeping here in the Grove of Love, weren’t you?”

“Well, uh yeah, just to take a nap.”

“So you understand.”

“Understand what? What are you talking about?”

“Didn’t you read the sign?”

“Sign?”

“Hmm. Let me see if I can-there it is! It must have fallen off the entrance.” The skeleton realized, reaching down and freeing the wooden sign you had stepped on earlier. He cleared his throat (again, how) and read outloud: “When a woman wants to marry, she sleeps in the Grove of Love. Only a being of good appearance, character and breeding can enter. If he chooses her, he kisses her awake.” He chuckled.

Your eyes widened. “Marry?” You quickly stood up and ran your fingers through your hair. “This-this was a huge mistake. I didn’t see the sign! I was just taking a nap!”

“Oh. Well, live and learn, I suppose. Now come along. We have a lot of planning to do.”

“No! I can’t marry you!” You tried to slide toward the exit only for him to step in your path.

“I will marry you and make you Queen of the Monsters.”

“Queen of what?”

“Monsters. What I am.”

“I thought you were a skeleton,” you couldn’t help but add.

“Well, yes, but a skeleton is a type of Monster.”

“I’m confused,” you admitted.

“Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of time to learn all about our customs on our honeymoon,” he assured you, attempting to place an arm around you.

You dodged that fucker like a snake. “No. There won’t be a honeymoon! Because we’re not getting married!”

He shook his head. “I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that. Once you have decided to let someone marry you, you can’t just back out of it. That’s very rude.”

“I didn’t decide to marry anyone! You forced yourself on me!”

“A peck on the lips isn’t forcing myself on you.”

“It is when they’re unconscious!”

“I-ah, I suppose you’re right. I’m still getting the hang of this true love kiss thing. Here let me try again.” Before you could react, he pulled you into another kiss. And this time it was smoldering, not smothering. You felt your knees grow weak and you unconsciously clutched his shoulder to steady yourself as you saw fireworks. By the time he pulled away, you were practically dazed.

“Woah.”

“I was hoping to hear that. Now come along.” He swooped you up bridal style and walked gingerly out of the grove and into the forest.

You blinked. “Wait, I don’t-we can’t just plan a wedding like that!”

“Sure we can. I have lots of hardworking subjects!”

“What would my parents say?”

“They can come too!”

You were running out of immediate arguments. “I don’t even know your name!”

“Wow, how awkward. I really should introduce myself before I start passionately smooching beautiful women. I am the Great Papyrus, King of the Monsters!” He nuzzled the side of your neck. “We are going to have quite the adventure!”

No doubt about that.

(I originally planned for this to be a one shot, but if you guys like this, I could probably continue it)