#if you EVER want to plan anything my dms are open btw

[yellow-rose-embalmer]

This was not what he expected. People tend to return that particular gesture. But... even if he didn't understand why, he couldn't stop himself from falling apart, just a little, as bright yellow petals caught his eye. An all too familiar flower, one that he's given many times before, and one that those closest to him have received. His voice struggles to say the words "Thank you", and it comes out strained through tight vocal cords when he does, but he cannot hide his body demonstrating just how near to his heart this has landed.

He knows it's the first time they've met. He's sure there's no possible way the man beside him could have known how much this meant to him, how present the flower has been in his life, how it winds its way into him for better and worse. And yet, he smiles under the mask, evidence within the crinkling in his eyes. His heart picks up its pace (ah, that sneaky reminder he's alive...), hands careful in their hold upon the flower, as if afraid to damage it in any way.

Carefully, he sets it down beside him, mentally noting where the thorns are for when he picks it back up. He could stand to respond, couldn't he?

Reading over, he pauses, twirling his pencil in his hand (or, more accurately, attempting to, the motion being more akin to fits and starts rather than smooth motions across his knuckles) as his stomach churns and tightens and sinks all at once. The purpose... that is a difficult question. After all, he hasn't had to write this way before. And... raw thoughts, those uncooked, those that had no editing or backtracking. If he didn't filter himself... oh god. He would surely be left for dead. He would have been long ago. It was only because Jerry taught him the right ways to keep himself upright. Yes, that must be it. That was how he survived this long.

Finally, he writes, hand tense, gripping the pencil noticeably too tight. [I imagine it would be easier in some ways to write down whatever comes to mind. Though... I fear such things are unpalatable at best for many people. I would hate to put you through having to read such things, and... this may be selfish, but I do not want to say something that makes you leave. At least with rules, I know a fraction of what might be wanted from me.]

[All that aside... I've never actually written like this before, letting my thoughts out all at once. I do not know if I am afraid of what happens if I do not keep myself up to standard, or if these nerves are a consequence of not knowing how to talk about all this. I... hardly know my feelings, so I hope this suffices.]

"Oh... Oh dear. I... do not know quite how that feels on your end, but if you need anything for it, I am more than happy to provide. I'm... not a proper doctor, or anything, but... I have some cleaning materials and bandages that I carry with me."

"...I won't ask what happened with your eye, if that's any concern. You don't need to put everything on display to a man you just met, after all."

@yellow-rose-embalmer

Besides, even if you were a doctor, I doubt you could help me. As for my eye, well, it's quite simple. I could tell you about it as long as you don't, uh, want to lick it.

[haveateadude]

bleak horizons

summary *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ yeah, okay. maybe you're sad.

warnings *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ depression, self-harm, mommy issues (dw there's A LOT of fluff and cuddles and hugging and it all ends up alright) this is just talked about but it can still be triggering!!!!! pls take care of yourselves!!!!!!!! my dms are open :)

author notes *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ wasn't planning on posting this but i love validation. also, this is not like cannon ellie i guess?? i did a really bad characterization bc i used this as a vent and i just wanted comfort lmao. hope this still makes y'all feel seen or fucking something. btw this first part is really boring hehe, i wrote this when i was in a rush and in a train and i was tired and sad so i don't mind if it flops lol

i hate this so much idk why i'm posting this as my first pots. aghh. here u go ig. don't hate on me. bye.

(not proofread, sorry abt that)

pt1 — pt2 — pt3

you look so out of it

pull it together

we can love you

forever and ever

I've recently moved in with Ellie after weeks of looking for someone to move in.

I had checked other apartments, but this was the one that didn't smell like there was a corpse under my feet, hidden from the light beneath the floor and it didn't look like it was haunted by ghosts. The walls weren't chipping away, also, so that was a plus. There's no denying that getting used to living with someone else was difficult, but it was the only alternative to live away from my parents. Not to mention I had developed feelings for Ellie—she's beautiful, with those eyes and auburn hair, and her tattoos just make her look fucking badass.

After a few weeks, I settled in with her: we both have a routine, and established unspoken rules, and now it's comfortable living with her.

Tonight was a lovely night—I had already finished everything I had to do, and I didn't have an exam until next week, probably—until I got a call from my mother. I know I can't run away from this one. She always threatens to unroll me from college and take me home when I don't answer her calls. And I know she's capable of doing so.

“Hello?” I said as I went out to the kitchen, to take a glass of water.

“You know, most people say something sweet when they answer their mother.”

I roll my eyes, even if she can't see me. It was just a fucking hello.

“What happened, Mom?” I ask, not wanting to fight.

She takes a second to answer, “Well—I was looking at some resources and there are a lot near your area…”

She takes a second to answer, “Well—I was looking at some resources and there are a lot near your area…”

“Resources about what?”

“Therapy. Conversion therapy.”

It takes all of myself not to gasp, or cry. I don't know. I hear Ellie going out of her room, and walking towards the kitchen. I don't care if she's here; I haven't been caring about anything these past few days.

“Okay,” Is all you say. I don't know how to answer, or what to do. I leave the glass on the aisle with trembling hands.

“That's all you have to say?”

“I—I don't know what you want me to say.”

“‘Thank you’, maybe?” I stay quiet, I don't want to thank her, I don't want her to speak to me ever again. “You could also get therapy for, you know…”

“For what, mother?”

“The cutting. Your scars—I always thought they looked repulsive. No one is going to lov—”

I hung up before she could say anything else. I hate her. I hate my mother. I can't even believe she's a mother, let alone mine. I suddenly feel the need to hurt, and I hate to admit it, but my mother has always been right about the way they look—so I just shut my eyes and try to breathe. It always helps—deep breathing, that is. I have to remind myself that I'm clean. I've been clean for months. Maybe even a year, I lost count.

“You okay?”

Ellie's voice almost makes me flinch, already having forgotten about her. I open my eyes as she walks over to me and lays her elbows on the aisle, while I rest my back on the counter behind her.

I look at her, with a knot in my throat, “I'm fine.”

“Your mother…” She makes a pause, short enough to not make me go crazy, “Is she, like, a pain in the ass?”

I chuckle at that as I cross my arms, “Yeah.”

“If it gets too bad, you can talk to me. I don't mind. And my dad has some contacts, we can maybe scare your mother away.”

“It's okay,” I tell her with a smile. “I can manage.”

“I know,” She smiles, and I can feel my heart fluttering in my chest.

Before I say anything I regret, I go to your room with my door open—a technique I've acquired to avoid hurting myself.

I sit at my desk and look up conversion therapy first, I want to know what this is all about—I know that it's harmful to people in the community, that it leaves you screwed and fucked up. I don't like what pops up on my screen, so I close the tab and go to another one—where I search for therapy. The real one.

I went to a lot of therapy sessions, but my mother was always behind them, so I don't know if it ever was effective. I like this one a lot better. It should be helpful. It will help, I know that for a fact.

I'm having dinner with Ellie, which we normally do—today we ordered, since we were hungry and it always takes a little while to prep a meal—when I think to ask her about the topic.

“Do you know any therapy center?” I ask her. “Or the number of a therapist? Whatever.”

If she's curious, she doesn't show it. She stops chewing on her food, then looks at me; then continues to chew, and after she swallows she speaks, “Sure, I have some friends that go to the same therapist, so it's completely trustworthy, I guess. I can ask for the number.”

I wipe my mouth with the napkin on my side, “Yeah, that'd be alright.”

Ellie takes a sip from her cup and then looks at me, “You okay, though…?”

“I'm fine, just—you know, making sure everything's okay.”

She nods, “Got it—I was just asking.”

After my first therapy session, I ended up tired. My therapist—which feels weird to say out loud and even in my head—is a nice lady in her thirties who looks like a hippie.

I've realized I tend to lie a lot—I didn't talk about self-harm or my mother. Or anything else, really. Just about the movie Speak, and then almost cried when talking about the weather.

So, “Yeah, it went well,” is my answer when Ellie asks how it went, sitting in her car. She picked me up since I had taken my car to maintenance.

“Okay, then,” she says once the car engine starts. She connects her phone to Bluetooth, and we listen to music for a while. Ellie places her hand on my knee when I start bouncing my leg, which sends shivers down my spine and gives my brain something to think of that isn't any of my shit. “Do you want to go eat something?”

“Sure,” I accept. Her thumb makes little circles on my knee. I wonder if she knows what she's doing, her eyes are still fixated on the road. My heart does the flutter thing that it did a few days back again, and my core heats up.

She doesn't want you, I try to convince myself. She's your friend, she doesn't want you. She will fall in love with you, not your brain nor your scars, and when she finds out about the way you think she'll leave.

When we arrived at the restaurant, we ordered a plate together, since we always share and the food here comes in big sizes that we wouldn't finish if we ate it separately.

When we arrive at the restaurant, we order a plate together, since we always share and the food here comes in big sizes that we won't finish if we ate it separately.

“So, how's work?” I ask when we're waiting for our food.

“It's going well, I guess.”

“You guess?”

"I just hate my boss."

I furrow my eyebrows, “do you want to talk about it?”

“It's fine, he just sucks. But well, Jesse is postulating to—you know, be a boss; that fucker.”

I chuckle, “Well, I like Jesse.” I soon realize what I said, and my cheeks go red. “Not in a, uh, romantic way or anything. You know. Fuck. He's just nice.”

“Just nice?”

“I like you better than him,” I blurt out, which only adds to my embarrassment.

Oh, oh.

I like Ellie.

Fuck, yeah. You do.

Who am I kidding, I knew I did. From the start—from the first time she looked at me, for the first time touched my hand and spoke to me; for the first time she played guitar for me and made dinner because she knew how tired I was.

Ellie is flushed. I can tell.

“Oh, do you?” She asks with a grin.

The waitress comes with our food, and leaves the plate. I look at her, she looks at me at Ellie and then leaves.

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and lay my elbow on the table, with my chin propped up in my hand.

“What if I do?”

She bites her lip, looks at mine and then at the food, “The food's getting cold.”

What the fuck. What the actual fuck. Did that actually happen, or was it my imagination? Holy shit. Shit! Fucking fuck.

It leaves me thinking, but my thoughts leave when I hear her laughter after I crack a joke.

We take the stairs up the apartment, and we laugh all the way up. We just laugh and laugh and laugh because she said something and now I'm almost falling to the floor from how much my stomach hurts.

“Stop,” I say when we get to our apartment door. I keep laughing because Ellie's laughing too and she can't open the door. “My stomach hurts.”

She looks at me and laughs. Idiot. I laugh, too.

“Hey!” We hear our neighbor say. “Quiet down!”

“We're sorry!” I exclaim back, as he closes his door.

Ellie giggles, “You're so fucking dumb, I'm not sorry at all.”

“Shut up,” I say.

“Oh, make me.”

And then—oh, god—and then, and then she looks at me as the curvature of my lips goes down, and then I kiss her.

I kissed her. I fucking did. Me, not her—not Ellie's brave and confident ass, but mine. The butterfly in my chest flutters harder when she kisses back. She puts both of her hands on my waist and deepens the kiss, while my hand moves from her cheeks to her neck, then finds its way to her torso.

Ellie manages to open the door without breaking the kiss, and then she shuts the door with her foot.

“We should—” I speak between kisses. “Ellie—couch.”

“Yeah, okay. Okay.”

Our tongues fight, but our souls mend and I find my way to her in every sense. 

[lightwise]

Masterlist

Hey there, friend 🌻 You can call me Light or Lightwise ✨ This is my little corner of Tumblr mostly dedicated to Star Wars (especially the Bad Batch, clone boys, Ahsoka, and Obi-Wan). I am a photographer and writer in my early thirties who spent her childhood telling stories to herself while riding her bike in circles around her driveway. Little did I know at the time that would be considered fan fiction and that however many years later I would find myself nerding out in the Star Wars fandom and loving every second of it ✨

I write a lot of in-depth analyses and musings, which are tagged with #somelightramblings | #some light ramblings (for a touch of irony, because they are usually anything but light or short :D).

My image edits are tagged with #somelightedits | #some light edits

My fics/writings are tagged with #lightwisewrites | #lightwise writes

My fic recommendations are tagged with #somelightreading

I currently do not take fic requests but you can find my writing (a mix of one-shots and long-form WIPs) on here as well as on AO3.

Reblogs and comments are always appreciated 🤗 and feel free to use my edits for headers or PFPs with credit!

This blog contains both SFW and NSFW content, so minors DNI, 18+ only please and thank you 👀

moon dividers by @djarrex 🩷

Btw, I talk mainly about Star Wars with an emphasis on my favorite Bad Batch Boys, but I love many other fandoms/shows/books as well and welcome any conversations/sliding into my DMs to discuss them or other random (SFW) topics!

Narnia (my first fantasy love) | Mystery of Aaravos (The Dragon Prince) | Gilmore Girls | Marvelous Mrs. Maisel | A Series of Unfortunate Events | Shadow and Bone | LoTR | TrollHunters | Gravity Falls | Studio Ghibli  | Anything Jane Austen or 18th and 19th century literature | Sound of Music | And whatever you want to talk about! My Asks are always open!

Key:  🤔 = long analysis  📷 = image edits (alone or within analysis posts) 🫣 = Potentially disturbing or triggering content (mental health, implied violence or dying, etc.) 🔥 = NSFW/spicy content

My Fics

Plan 99 - Short one-shot fic from Tech's perspective. I wanted to show the thoughts that must have been running through his mind as he fell. The love he has for his family. The peace he has in his decision. (from the season finale of TBB season 2)

Tumblr link | AO3 link

Coming soon: Compass and the North Star (long-form fill in the gaps of TBB season 2, focused on Rex and Echo's efforts to free their clone brothers).

Be There - I had to fill in a couple of moments that we didn’t get in S3 E4 - A Different Approach. Hunter and Crosshair's perspectives on trying to find/escaping with Omega and their impending reunion.

Collaborations:

🔥 Sharp Edges - (with @spicy-clones) (ALL of the spiciness, minors do NOT read!)

Tumblr link | AO3 link

Coming soon: Pabu Wedding (with @drafthorsemath)

Inspired by other fics:

The Adventures of Gonky the Cat - Slight spoiler, Gonky is a cat in the modern AU fic Roasted, Brewed, & Served with Attitude (see description below), and I decided to write his backstory/fill in some of his adventures. This is a WIP, currently there are no spoilers in it, but eventually there will be some chapters that give spoilers for later in the story (and will be noted as such).

Gemini Eyes - This one shot fits in as a chapter in between chapters 85 and 87 of Roasted, Brewed, & Served with Attitude (see description below). DO NOT read it unless you have made it that far in Mel's work, otherwise you will have pretty significant spoilers. I had a lot of fun working with Mel's versions of each character, and it's always a joy to write Tech's thought processes and mannerisms. 

Fic Recs

Roasted, Brewed, & Served with Attitude - by MelMorganne99 over on AO3. It's a clever, emotional, modern AU with Crosshair x OC (and one of the best OC characters I've ever read). This fic helped me understand and appreciate the nuances of Crosshair's personality and emotional journey, and has given me endless writing inspiration. And the author is one of the kindest, most engaging people I've ever met online. Please, please, please do yourself a favor and read it. There are 99 chapters but they're on the short side and full of snarky humor and sometimes surprising cameos. This is a full blown fix it fic too, although not always in the ways you might expect!

The Vacation - by @staycalmandhugaclone is one of the best Crosshair fics (and smut fics in general) I've ever read. The writing style haunts me and both Crosshair and the OC are beautifully characterized.

More will be tagged soon!

Show/Character Analyses & Edits

The Bad Batch

S2

🤔 Know Your Showrunners

🤔 + 📷 Phee and the Bad Batch

🤔 + 📷 Why Mayday is a Mirror of Rex (How Crosshair Predicted His Own Redemption Arc) + an excellent comment addition.

🤔 + 📷 There is Something to be Said for Freedom (Crosshair in The Tipping Point)

🤔 + 📷 Fennec season 3 TBB Predictions

S3

🤔 They Don't Know

🤔 + 📷 Project Necromancer

🤔 + 📷 Tech and Crosshair Parallels

📷 Hunter and Wrecker

📷 Omega Smiling at Crosshair

📷 Separate / Together

🤔 Thoughts on Crosshair's Hand Tremor

🤔 + 📷 Crosshair's Choice

🤔 There is No "We"

🤔 Crosshair Sighs

📷 Recognition

🤔 + 📷 Omega Is Not Okay

📷 Get Up Here

📷 Return to The Outpost - Images Part 1 | Part 2

🤔 + 📷 Full Circle - The Return to The Outpost

📷 Crosshair Portraits

🤔 + 📷 I Am Many Things But I Am Not Your Enemy (Ventress)

🤔 I Never Gave Up On You (Parallels between Luke and Omega)

🤔 + 📷 Hidden Monsters (TBB and the monsters they face)

🤔 + 📷 They Call Themselves The Bad Batch

🤔 + 📷 Remain Calm. Cooperate. And You Might Survive. (Analysis of Emerie Karr) + excellent comment addition

Star Wars (general)

📷 Huyang and Tech

🤔 The Force - Part 1 and Part 2

🤔 + 📷 Project Necromancer

Ahsoka

📷 Life and Death (Ahsoka series ep 5 + Tales of the Jedi ep 1)

📷 They Reflect Each Other (Ahsoka and Anakin as master and padawan, Ahsoka series ep 5)

🫣 + 🤔 Ahsoka’s Choice (Ahsoka series ep 5)

🤔 The Face of War (Ahsoka series ep 5)

📷 Red and Blue (Ahsoka series ep 5)

📷 Anakin’s Clone Wars Robes (Ahsoka series ep 5)

Ahsoka’s Direction (Ahsoka series ep 5)

Mandalorian

The Protector (Satine, Bo, & Din as rulers of Mandalore) + excellent comment additions

Episode Reactions

Ahsoka Series: Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4

The Bad Batch (Season 3): Episodes 1-3 | Episode 4 | Episode 6 | Episode 7

Headcanons

Hardcase

Wolffe

Crosshair

Tech

Cody

Jesse and Hunter

Random Musings

Psychometry (Ahsoka)

Hunter and Obi-Wan: Similarities

About Me/Tag Games

15 Questions

TBB Asks Game 1

TBB Asks Game 2

TBB Asks Game 3

TBB Asks Game 4

[weemssapphic]

This isn’t something you need to reply to, I just wanted to tell you that you kind of made my day. I had an unexpected flare-up and it totally wrecked my plans. On top of that (or maybe because of that?) I went down a negative rabbit hole about chronic illness online. So I kind of just felt like shit physically, mentally, and emotionally. I thought “I could really go for a comfort character right now” but I haven’t been able to find any fanfics with chronic illness in it. Then I figured “hey, you know who would be perfect at writing that? Weemsapphic!” (please don’t take that as a pressure thing, it’s not, I just enjoy your writing and your posts). And so I sent in the ask and then like almost immediately you responded. And you were just so positive and you seemed happy and everything else kind of just… went away. Truly, it instantly flipped my mood. So, regardless of if/when you write the fic, you totally fixed my day. And I just wanted to thank you for that 💕

(Btw, I hope your migraine passes quickly)

I'm sorry I'm just gonna go freaking sob at how happy reading this made me 🥺 thank you.

Flare-ups are the worst, and they always seem to come when you least expect them and actually really can't afford to have them. And then you often have to decide between canceling plans you were looking forward to, or pushing through anyway but not enjoying yourself in the slightest. There are so many layers to chronic illness, and some days will be better than others, but some days you just want to scream because it all feels extremely unfair. I'm sorry that your plans got derailed, I hope your symptoms are a bit easier to manage today, or that you at least are able to get some rest.

I don't feel pressured at all, I'm happy you enjoy my writing so much and I'd be happy to write it 💗 I'm so happy I could make your day a little better in some way - you've made mine better with this message <3 (and thanks, I took some meds last night and they're still semi-working so? a small win for me I suppose).

Anyway if you (or anyone else reading this) ever need to vent or need someone to talk to (about chronic illness/invisible illnesses/or anything else really), my inbox and my dms are always open! Hope you're having a lovely day <3

[ecofmaster]

Uuuuuuhhh...

This post was so dumb.

A few things

1. It's not pathetic

2. Rude

3. How do I not have a part in it? I'm doing most of the work!! I just ask people to say they are a part, draw me some propaganda sometimes, and barely anything else!!!

4. The TETRATAN has done almost nothing for me this revolution, to the point where I'm starting to get mad. Saying that I "cowardly refuge" behind him is the dumbest thing I've heard you say all week.

(this isn't canon to the war btw, but the TETRATAN is a character made and played on Tumblr by me. I have purposefully not used him in an overpowered way in the war, because that is just dumb. And I am planning on using his powers more in the war, but not in a way without any recourse. Plus, his loyalty can be bought and sold. The role he plays in this war will be completely fair, and if you have problems with me having a little guy like him to use in this war, you're also against @myconidwitch and her position as a literal TIME TRAVELER on your side. Just sayin. Now back to the in-lore things.

)

5. I want change. If the queen were to sign an agreement with terms I am to agree to, I'm fine with her staying. But when I brought this proposal of peace to her before, she ripped it without even looking at the terms. So unless the queen wants to turn herself to even harsher punishment after denieal the first time she decided to decline peace, yes, I do wish for what I'm fighting for.

6. All of the above.

7. "Simple" answers? Yes. But "cowardly" and "defeated"? No. They're witty. They're jokes. And they build a charismatic character I want people to see me as to gain more support. Plus, there isn't a good recourse for them. There is no downside to an answer like "nuh uh", in MANY situations! Even to this post, I could have said a "no u", and you have no good way to counter it. Plus, if you have a problem with this behavior, why does your beloved queen do it too?

8. EXCUSE ME???YOU WERE THE ONE TO CROSS ME!!! I HAVE LITERALLY NEVER TAKEN A SHOT AT YOU!! I'VE ONLY DEFENDED MYSELF!! YOU'VE CALLED ME A LOSER FOR NO REASON, AND HAVE EVEN BEEN RUDE TO YOUR ALLIES IN THE WAR!!!!!

9. One last thing to add, you are the MOST cowardly person in this war. There are at least some things I can respect from the queen. Like her resilience and stubbornness can be looked at as a good thing in some ways. But you? Not even your allies even know who you are! You just sit back behind a screen because you know we don't know who you are!! Did you even NOTICE that I didn't mention ANYWHERE on my Tumblr blog that I'm a minor?? YOU were the one to leak that info!! I don't want strangers on a social media website to know ANY of my personal info. So you leaking that info was NOT ok. I didn't even mention it at the time, because most of my mutuals and people I have been interacting with during my time here have been open with being minors, so it wasn't a big leap of logic to assume I was too, but that is still leaking personal info. That's a scummy, disgusting way to try to help win a half joke Internet war most people don't know exists. And I would never do that to you! But it's not like I could, considering I don't know who you are. Did @21ducky ask for your help? No! If she did, she would probably KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU ARE!!! So YOU should NOT be talking about "cowardly". If you ever cared about being not cowardly, you would reveal yourself. Maybe not on your blog, hell, it's fine if it's not on a DM to someone either. But you either reveal yourself to ALL the people part of the war, or you stop talking about me being "cowardly".

I'm not reblogging this another time if you respond, because there is no response you can give. All this is true, and undisputable. And unless you reveal yourself, you clearly have learned nothing. I suggest exiling yourself, because this post, especially with what you have done, is just pulling the rest of the queen's credibility, and your side of the war as a whole, down with you.

Hey, @ecofmaster.

Your revolution is pathetic! You yourself have no part in it, other than your cowardly refuge behind your "Tetratan!"

Tell me, do you really wish for what you fight for?

Tell me, do you fight for your mind, heart, soul, or hands?

And we will watch, dear onlooker, as he responds with a simple, cowardly, defeated, "no you," "nuh uh," "Uno reverse," or something else of the sort.

We will watch, and we will see.

Do not cross the Only 64, Ecof. It may only end in dissonance.

[ivyglow]

Thinking ‘bout you | Mat Barzal NYI

A/n: Hey, guys! This request was from the song prompt list that @with-the-words-all-wrong​ tagged me, you can check it on her profile <3. I’m sorry I took too long, but I decided to write a whole ass piece and here it is (and guess what? I hated it lmao). 

- Btw if someone wants to proof read my pieces it would be great, just dm me if you’re interested! 

Word count: 3.3k 

Requested prompt:  10 “Can I see you again and not feel bad about it” & 13 “I liked when you cared about me too”

Summary: Y/n and Mat met through mutual friends and it’s not long before they start hooking up. She’s has a wild spirit, he’s looking for someone to settle down. Is it possible to meet the right person at the wrong time?

Flashbacks in Italic! 

Things started slowly but surely people knew it was coming. Since the first time y/n was introduced to Mat’s circle of friends, everyone noticed the way his eyes sparkled with interest and the way she seemed to reciprocate it. They were both young, reckless and any slight chance of love or affection sounded good to Barzal at that time. He was living on his own, and sure most of his time was at practice or out with his friends, but the home-alone time made him think about some things such as settling or at least going for something more serious than the eventual hookups that he would have. 

Y/n was funny and beautiful. God, was she beautiful.

The first thing he noticed about her was the eyes. On that low lighted bar, her eyes were glowing green in contrast with her skin. She was wearing jeans and sneakers, outstanding everyone. She was so simple, and maybe that was the thing that drew him towards her. The feeling of not caring about what people would think, not being open to doing everything as expected but doing it as you wanted to. 

And maybe, just maybe, it was this exact feeling that made y/n choose Mathew. 

Everyone in her family was expecting her to get into a serious relationship as soon as she landed in New York, but as her friend, Kayla would say “New York it’s not the place to find a lover”, and she was well aware of being on the age of glory. Her early twenties and the freedom of living on her own, paying her own bills something she dreamed of since she turned fourteen. 

She wanted to have fun and Mathew Barzal was definitely a funny guy.

They went to many friends’ meetings before finally taking a step on the obvious sexual tension. That did not mean it was time enough to become best friends, it was time enough to become mutuals. He knew some things about her and she knew some about him. He knew, for example, that she hated when people tried to make decisions for her, she liked independence in every way and damn was y/n mad when their friends tried to pair her with Mat before she could make her mind about it. 

The thing she knew about him was that he liked her and she knew it because he was an obvious guy or at least he was obvious when it came to her. Not in the sweet romantic way, but in a cute and affectionate way. 

Or at least that’s what she tried to remember while things started to escalate quickly with movie nights and nights in, or morning sex. They were getting attached, but it wasn’t what y/n planned at all and she knew she had a short amount of time before she would get attached herself. 

It was a Friday night, she had an average day at work and the guys were celebrating friendship, just the possibility of having their small and closed group whenever they needed. These kinds of celebrations started with Kayla, she was the one always wondering and getting the best of life, pulling her focus towards the small details of life that usually made it better. Her biggest fear was to die without enjoying life, y/n was always down for her ideas and shared a fear that looked a lot like Kayla’s.

They were chilling in Tito’s balcony, drinks in hand, enjoying the feeling of the cold New York air hitting their faces and the noises of the city that never sleeps being drowned by the many floors below. Kayla was telling one of her stories while Mat, Joe, Katy, and Isabela listened carefully. Tito was sitting by them but seemed lost on his own little world, the reason why y/n would sometimes call him ‘dreamy boy’. A random song was playing low on the speakers, but everyone heard when y/n finally arrived.

“Why you always late?” Joe asked before swinging the rest of his beer in a long sip. 

“I’m never late…” she faked confusion before going for the wine bottle. “You guys just always early.” 

Mat chuckled and Kayla rolled her eyes slightly, he liked her so much he even found her shitty jokes funny. Or maybe it was just Mathew, he usually was the first one to laugh, anything was fun to him, almost like he didn’t curse or lost his mind every 5 minutes on the ice.

“That one is old, y/n” Tito finally left his dreamy thoughts and provoked his friend. He loved to joke around with y/n, it was like she had an answer for everything and she also happened to be a great listener whenever he needed a sincere opinion that wasn’t from Barzal. 

“You’re getting old too and I’m not saying that in your face...and Mathew laughed, I would say my jokes are aging well” y/n walked over greeting everyone properly. Barzal was the last one and kiss she left too close to his mouth wasn’t unnoticed by  Anthony. 

“Wanna sit with me?” He asked still holding her by the hand. All the available surfaces to sit already occupied. 

“You mean to say ‘sit on you’?!” 

Isabela that was sitting closer to Mat laughed out loud, “You guys are so obvious…” 

“Are you drunk?” y/n replied back trying to sound nonchalant and sitting on Mat’s tights. 

His hands found its way on her waist and she was a bit impressed at how comfortable it felt to be that close. He was wearing his cargo pants and a grey sweatshirt, hair an aesthetic mess at the top of his head and lips glowing from his beer. 

It was short before Kayla went back to her story and y/n start sipping her wine. 

Mat’s hand would travel up and down her waistline under the soft blouse she was wearing and eventually her left hand found his neck hair. It seemed natural, almost as if the exchange of physical affection were something they did every day, and considering their friends were not chirping or making a huge deal out of the situation it seemed even more common. 

“Are you driving home?” y/n asked when Mat finished his second beer bottle and she was still on her first wine glass. 

He turned to look at her, a slightly confused and curious frown on his face. 

“You’re drinking...I know you handle your alcohol just fine, but drink and drive it’s no good” she explains being more detailed than usual. 

Barzal chuckles before pressing a kiss in her cheekbone, “You look cute when you’re worried.”

“It’s not-” she starts but the look on his face says it all, he already knew. He had her figured out so easily sometimes it was scary. “I just wanna sleep in peace knowing all my friends are fine… I care about you.”

“You wouldn’t have this problem if you sleep with me tonight.” 

And indeed, that was the first night they spent together and it was far to be the last. 

Usually, she would be gonna by the sunrise, but this time y/n was exhausted with work and school and having to deal with her family constantly asking about plans they had for her, besides the physical weariness of a whole sex night with Mat. That morning she woke up not to a silent house, but to a shirtless Mat cooking breakfast while blasting her playlist of favorite songs. 

“Normally I woke up without feeling like it, but Frank Ocean is playing and you’re doing pancakes...although I’m not really sure about how the food is going to turn out” y/n walked in the kitchen catching Mathew’s attention. 

“Good morning to you too” he mocked her, glancing at his oversized shirt that hung her body in a baggy way but still so beautiful. 

“You need help there?” she asked going to the water bottle sitting on the counter.

“This is the last pancake, everything’s ready” he walked away from the stove just to wrap one arm around y/n’s middle. 

She thought to herself that Mat was the whole package, he knew her so well, he even put effort into cooking in the mornings they spent together -which were few, but still- and he was a great listener, although he liked to talk just as much. He was funny and hot, and he could do both so easily it was painful sometimes. But instead of voicing her thoughts, she kept to herself and left their silence to hug their bodies together. His face resting on the crook of her neck and her hands brushing his long locks. 

As soon as the song switched to Lost, y/n’s lips left a loud gasp. Mat would be surprised or confused, but it wasn’t his first time seeing her enjoy her favorites Frank Ocean songs, some he knew the entire lyrics. It was funny to see her wildly dancing and singing as if the world would end anytime soon. And it was those same eyes that made him leave breakfast for good and join her private show. They spent almost thirty minutes stuck on the dance-sing-perform-y/n’s-favorites.

These were the moments where they would be more friends than ever. Sharing the intimacy of the voice of each other and the awkward dance moves, getting to know the songs’ preference, and almost getting a noisy complaint by the neighbors.

And so when Mat started to miss her in the mornings and wish her by his side at night he realized that the intimacy of the moments they spent together could fit as a relationship intimacy as well. Y/n was so easy to be around and she would always have her own way of seeing random everyday things. She liked to go straight to the point too, she hated to lie and hated to left people read one thing when she was trying to say another. That’s why when they started to hookup she told Mathew she wasn’t looking for a lover, she liked him for sure, but being in the years of glory and living in New York wasn’t something she wanted to leave for a relationship. 

After almost four months going on like they used to, Mat thought maybe y/n changed her mind. Maybe she liked him as much as he liked her. 

And she was point-blank when Barzal brought the subject, “I like you a lot, but I love my freedom.” She didn’t try to put much into it, telling him about her problems would only make him built hope, and she knew that maybe by the time she was fine with the idea of a serious relationship she could be in love with someone else or even he could be. Y/n liked Mathew indeed and that’s why she left him. 

Keep it up would only hurt him. 

And so they said their goodbyes without a huge fight, but the silence still hurt just as much.

Mat shifted his focus to the season that was about to start, the travel around and games non-stop would take his mind away from how complicated feelings could be sometimes. Y/n, on the other hand, dived into work and school, however, still gets herself wondering about Barzal and how things would turn out if she said yes to his proposition. She missed him in the simple tasks of the day and had to constantly remind that they were not texting each other anymore and no, he definitely did not want to know about the funny dog that ran to her at the park. 

Nevertheless, they had the same group of friends and when the season ended and so did midterms, it was crystal clear that they would need to face each other again. 

It was a Friday night, just like the first time they spent the night together, and she had an awful day at work, still, Kayle was able to drag her to Tito’s apartment where the small group where reunited. This time it was not one of her best friend random celebrations, it was actually because they spent too long without meeting. 

When they finally reached Anthony’s floor y/n still had no idea how she would talk with Mat. She was nervous. They went from 2 a.m calls to zero communication and the lack of it was the reason why she had no idea how he was feeling, if he was doing fine, if he hated her, if he was ok with keeping the friendship etc. 

Everyone was in the living room surrounded by bottles and snacks while a random pop song was playing on the tv. He was the first face she searched for but was nowhere to be found, and so y/n settled for greeting each of her friends with a warm and tight hug. 

Except for Tito, he was the last one on the sofa line, “where’s my wine, Beau?” 

“Kitchen counter” he rolled his eyes playfully. 

“Alright, now I can give you a hug” y/n joked before lowering herself and draping her arms around Anthony’s shoulders.

“Bring me another water bottle too, please” Joe requested when she was making her way towards the other room.

The hardwood floor felt cold against her feet and she enjoyed the feeling, trying to switch her thoughts to something other than why Mathew wasn’t there. But before she was able to, she reached the kitchen and there he was sitting on the stool while working in one of his drinks.

It was like the cold from her feet reached her whole body suddenly and she was nervous again.

Mathew made y/n nervous.

It was new to her and she was torn between trying to figure out more about the unknown feeling or ignoring it by shoving it down her pocket. 

“Hey!” she tried to sound cheerful, but only got a nod as the response.

Y/n couldn’t read him with his eyes away from her, but he seemed a little out of tune. His hair the usual aesthetic mess at the top of his head and his so friendly white sweatshirt. 

She walked over to the freezer reaching the water bottle Joe asked for and then going for the glasses and pouring her so loved wine. 

“For a moment when I walked in and didn’t saw my wine at the coffee table, I thought Tito had forgotten about me” her remark did not bother Mathew that kept working with the lemon and vodka in front of him. The pang on her heart now so much vivid. Maybe he hated her indeed, maybe he was heartbroken after everything they went through. And she couldn’t help but finally let some kind of guilty sink at the top of her stomach. “Can I see you again and not feel bad about it?” 

The thirty seconds of silence were filled with Mat’s breath since y/n was holding hers. 

“What do you mean?” Mat sounded genuinely confused. 

“I mean you ignoring me...I never intended to hurt you, you know?” 

“I’m sorry. I’m not ignoring you, I’m just out of the area today, my sleep schedule is all fucked up and I’ve been a little grumpy lately, there’s nothing to do with you.” 

She wanted to ask how he was doing, if he were hurt when things didn’t go as planned, she even wished to ask about hockey so he would smile bright and big and keep talking for the next two hours. But instead, she took the wine glass and water bottle, making her away to the living room while holding her heart in her hands too. 

Joe started a conversation about vacation and so it was the main topic for two hours straight, and even though Mat knew a lot about the subject he kept his mouth shut, mainly just listening to everyone while sipping his drink. It was unusual considering Barzal was usually the one who couldn’t shut up, you would always hear him on the friends’ get-together either his loud voice or his laugh. 

Y/n found herself looking at Mat right across her, but she was still able to miss him, cause it didn’t felt like he was there. He was far away in all meanings. 

“There’s something I can do to help?” y/n asked while walking to sit beside Mat in the bed they were, certainly, going to share that night, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to make you feel better, I guess you know by now that it wasn’t your fault.”

Mat was moping since he got home, the islanders had lost and the cherry to the cake was the fact that they lost a home game, and y/n was by his side time enough to know that he absolutely hated to lose this way, but she wasn’t time enough to know how she was supposed to deal with it. She wasn’t in the mood for sex and he sure wasn’t too, however she couldn’t stand the pouty lips and the moody Mat, it gave her heart a little pain.

“You don’t need to say anything” he mumbled underneath the covers. 

“But I want to. I care about you, Mathew.” she insisted. “What can I do?”

Mat had this soft smile in the corner of his lips watching y/n sitting by his side and looking at him as if he was the most important thing to her at that moment. ‘I care about you’ wasn’t an ‘I love you’, but it meant something deep and they both knew it. 

“You can just lay with me.” He gave up scooting to the side and opening his arms for her to lay on top of him. “And stay the night.” 

“I wasn’t planning on going anywhere,” y/n’s lips found Mat’s in a slow and sweet kiss that last only some seconds before her face was on the crook of his neck. 

Everyone was too caught up on the conversation to notice y/n walk to the balcony and sit in one of the big cold chairs, everyone except Mat and it didn’t take long for him to grab a blanket and follow. He knew she was barefoot and she usually was cold at night. Mat knew a lot of things he never thought he would when they first started going out. Yes, he was looking for a lover, and yes he wished with all his willpower to be y/n, but she left him dazed, living each day by its time - as it’s supposed to be -. Maybe that was the reason why in the middle of it all he didn’t stop too much to think about how things were turning in an unknown road...and when he did, it took them to the mess they were living. 

Barzal said nothing as he dropped the blanket around y/n’s body and lowered himself to sit by her side. 

“Thank you,” she mumbled a bit dizzy. 

“No need to thank me, I just still care about you, that’s all.” His voice was low but firm. He didn’t sound spiteful, it was as if he was letting himself to be soft after every solid thing that hit both of them. 

And y/n took the time to process that information. 

Mat still care!!!, her insides screaming in pure joy and confusion, and she felt as unsteady as ever. All the ‘what if’s’ making room inside her thoughts. But ‘What if he still cares, but don’t want anything?' ‘What if things don’t work out?’

“I liked when you cared about me too…” Mat voiced taking y/n’s silence as an answer itself. . 

“Mat, I’m just…” she thought for some seconds more, her head still bubbling with doubts. “I still care about you.”

His head was still low, fingers playing with a random bracelet, he was deep in his thoughts just as y/n. 

“I wasn’t ready to commit, I have so much shit going on and it’s a whole package. A relationship is different from how we were working before. It demands a lot more…I also needed these months to think again and again about it.” She ranted while staring at the building in front of them. “But I still do. I still care about you.”

“I wanna give it a try, the whole package, and everything. I like you, y/n.” He whispered, his voice drowned by the noise of the city, but she was still able to hear him, the soft tone, the truth underneath each word. “Just text me and let me know when you’re ready.” 

She nodded while they exchanged a meaningful look. Truth dripping from each other’s eyes along with affection and a new kind of feeling.

They sat there in silence for some minutes, just listening to the city’s noise and feeling the cold air hit their faces before y/n took her phone typing a simple message and sending it to Mat. He looked at her, a hint of amusement and happiness, and she shook her head yes.

[hazzabeeforlou]

Fine Line Masterpost:

A breakdown, musically and lyrically 

In Fine Line, ‘raw honesty’ doesn’t really mean delving into the details of who Harry Styles is sleeping with, but rather it’s a glimpse into the world of a 25-year-old who is both deeply in love and who fucks up a lot; he’s given to sugary supplications, is plagued by jealousy, pouts at consequences, and struggles with understanding an inner self that keeps prodding him towards exploration of his identity.  

The album is constructed to be consumed by various factions of the fandom. There’s no getting away from the surface dedication of HS2 as an ode to a blonde supermodel with a delicious French accent whose new boyfriend’s father owns a gallery, a girl who has golden hair and blue eyes. I won’t be arguing that away, because it’s intentional, it’s meant to be the surface layer. 

The mantle is not the crust, though. Taken individually, each song can be seen as speaking to the queer experience in varied and complex ways, and I’ve seen some truly beautiful explorations of this angle. Especially with TPWK and FL, the anthemic solidarity with queer experience is astounding and gorgeous. I think it’s no accident that this broad take holds true as we zoom in and look at the complex details; Harry has written songs that speak both to this meaning and also hold incredibly personal and intimate significance between him and a partner (in this post we’ll call them Subject). 

I will be focusing on the album as a cohesive narrative in the context of it’s chronological, linear progression. Fine Line details an incredibly personal struggle; it’s a love letter, an at times embarrassing, self-loathing reflection on a love gone wrong, a love struggling, an emerging self, and a hope redeemed. 

Please feel free to ask questions if any of the technical stuff is confusing, but please also remember that these are my opinions, coupled with my analysis as a professional musician (meaning, hopefully I’m remembering those torturous years of theory dictation correctly!) 

Side A 

All four songs share an off-kilter-ness, a restless, unsettled, frantic feeling, as if Harry is balancing, undecided between throwing himself at the feet of the one he loves or pulling away. This is no illusion; the tonic base is missing from each song save WS (but even here the tonic is sabotaged in our ear, as we’ll discuss). We’re on a journey to side B; we start with a hope that sweet memories and lust can salvage love, and we end with Harry going his own way.

Golden: There are only two chords in this song, DM and CM7, the V and IV7 of the implied tonic, G Major. We never get to tonic though. We never touch that home base. The songs “da da da’s” give it a happier, peppier illusion than the text reveals. 

Harry is already broken, already reflecting and hopeless as the song begins. His intended listener, Subject - the sun, the golden one - waits for him in the sky, and is all he’s ever known. Subject has always browned his skin just right, but now, Harry reflects, perhaps has been too bright for him. (Is some aspect of Harry buried in the brilliance of Subject’s light?) This golden Subject is scared, though, scared Harry is so open. Harry doesn’t want to be alone, but he also needs to peel back edges of himself previously unexplored. Stepping into and away from light is a major theme for Harry, and this opening song sets that precedent. Subject is scared because “hearts get broken,” but Harry’s heart is already broken, so perhaps this refers not to interpersonal heartbreak, but situational. Harry recognizes he’s “out of his head...” BUT, he counters, “Loving you’s the antidote!” He naively gushes out poetry while Subject remains unconvinced. We establish an impasse. 

Watermelon Sugar: The Dm - Cm - Am6 - GM chord progression is an odd one; my best guess is that the song is in D minor, so the progression is: 

i, VII, v, IV

 That’s not typical in a minor key. Usually the leading tone note (in this case a C) is raised (so C#) making the five chord Major (V) not minor (v) and the seven chord diminished (viio) not Major (VII). also the Major IV ignores the B flat in the key signature of D minor and instead uses B natural. So all this to say that the tonic base STILL doesn’t feel like a tonic home, because the normalcy around the key signature is erased. Everything still feels unsettled, unresolved. 

Much has been made of the oral sex interpretation, so, ya. This is a song about remembering the best of times, a prayer to Subject, a plea for summertime and bellies and strawberries, and a feeling Harry is desperate to get back. 

Adore You: The three chords in this song, Cm - BbM - AbM, imply an E flat Major key, so vi, V, IV, respectively. The tonic, Eb (I), is (once again) never used, and instead vi, V, IV circle without ever coming to rest. 

Subject, “Honey,” creates a rainbow paradise. This is another love letter to Subject, let me adore you, I’ll walk through fire for you, you don’t have to say anything just listen to me, you don’t have to say you love me too, just please, please... you’ve been on my mind. Let me adore you like it’s the only thing I’ll ever do. By this wording, Harry admits that adoring Subject is not the only thing he ever does, yet he wishes Subject to remember, or imagine, this false reality. 

Lights Up: We’re in C Major here, with the chords Am - GM - FM, creating the same exact chord progression as Adore You, vi, V, IV. We (yet again!) never reach the tonic of C Major. It’s a constant tease of resolution, but there’s no solid home base. We’re suspended in limbo. 

Subject is “sorry, btw.” What does that mean, Harry asks? Sorry we’re here in this place, that this is happing? This song is Harry’s declaration: he’s not staying, he’s not coming back down. It would be sweet if things stayed the same, but no, I’m stepping into the light. “All the lights couldn’t put out the dark”... even all the golden sun of Subject couldn’t heal the void in Harry’s soul?  Harry asks subject, do you know who you are? implying that he’s determined to answer this for himself. I’m reminded of the crab in Moana, singing “Shiny.” There’s a certain bravado here, a reckless glittery happiness, a flaunting, an exuberance in discovery. 

Side B 

Tonics are all over the place. Harry is certainly certain about heartbreak. No ambiguity here. 

Cherry: GM - Em - CM, or  I, vi, IV. We’re in G Major and we know it. Repetitive “cou-cos’s” pepper the track like hanging fruit (let’s imagine from cherry trees). 

The song is a simple one, simple in its jealousy. Harry has let Subject go, and now Subject is at their best... and Harry hates it. He doesn't want his former pet term of endearment used on another, even though he has no claim on Subject’s actions anymore. Harry keeps finding bits of Subject in how he dresses. They’re not talking lately, and Harry perhaps is most upset that this separation isn’t going how he planned... Subject is at their best without him. 

The gallery line is inserted as a bridge, a unique line of music rather separate from the rest, an intentional narrative. But what’s most fascinating is the end of the song. The previous repetitive chord progression changes. Now we have 

GM - AM7 (an added C#) - Am7 (4/2 inversion) - GM

or I, II7, ii7, I

The “cou-cou” lands during the AM7 (the II7) and it lands EXACTLY on the note of B, extending the 7th chord to a ninth chord, before, on its second syllable, dropping to the A and holding there (a kind of suspension) while the chord progression resolves to the Am7 (ii7), making the A a chord tone. This is deliberate. Unless the whole piece was harmonically built around Camille’s random use of a B to A in a voicemail (also randomly in the perfect key for Harry’s voice) this was purposely recorded for aesthetic effect. I for one really love it, I could listen to breathy french girls mutter about beaches endlessly...

Falling: A straightforward progression. In the key of E Major,

 EM - C#m - BM - AM or I, vi, V, IV

With Falling, the only ballade on the album, we see Harry shift from jealousy to self destructive behavior. I don’t believe the ‘wandering hands’ line is about cheating (he and Subject were already apart) but rather, Harry seeking to wound Subject by turning to others. Communication is back open, because Subject says they care, they miss him too, but now Harry’s gone and fucked it all up. What have I become? What if Subject never needs me again? I can’t unpack the baggage they left. I just want Subject AROUND! Harry isn’t even begging for a romantic connection, he’s simply begging for Subject’s presence. He was so sure he could discover himself in LU, and now he keeps asking, what am I now? Who has he become on his own? He’s falling, and there’s no one to catch him. 

To Be So Lonely: This song waffles between two keys, just as Harry waffles between defending himself to Subject and finally, finally admitting (in just one small line) that he is, in fact, sorry. The song seems to start out in C Major, with CM and Am chords (I, iv) but then at the chorus the Am chord elides from a iv to a i, revealing the key is really A minor. The chorus goes on to be:

Am - GM - Em - FM 

or i, VII (lowered leading tone in minor), v (lowered leading tone in minor), VI

A fluttering mandolin mimics a fluttering heartbeat, and a folk music lilt gives the song a certain feel of heartbreak. 

Harry asks for Subject to not blame the drunk caller, likely himself. Harry was away. He missed Subject. He was just a little boy when he fell, and presumably Subject caught him that time. Subject is trying to be friends, they mean well, perhaps have taken pity on him, but Harry cannot stand to be called baby now, not when that name doesn’t mean what it used to, not when it’s a hollow word. Harry’s ‘home’ is suddenly a lonely place, but Subject has his reasons for how he’s acted, presumably good ones, and finally Harry gives his mea culpa, “this is it, so I’m sorry.” 

Interestingly, only after admitting that he’s made mistakes too, that he’s not perfect, that he shares the blame, does Harry confront and open himself to the realization contained in the next song, the heart of the album and the crux of what Harry’s been dancing around up until this point. 

She: In E minor, both verse and chorus use the same progression:

Em - DM - CM - Am - (Bm, a quick lead-in to) - Em 

 or i, II, VI, iv, v (no raised leading tone), i 

This Bowie-esc sounding song is the first to have characters. In addition to the Subject (perennially addressed as ‘You’) there is The Man and She. I would argue The Man and She are both Harry, a duality. The man drops his kids off at school, the man is thinking of You, like all of us do (everyone thinks of their SO perhaps). The Man goes through mundane daily tasks, but is he faking it? Does he really know what to do? He’s playing pretend, so pretend. 

Now Harry introduces She. (When speaking of She, Harry sings in a high falsetto.) She lives in daydreams, she is the first one he sees, and Harry doesn’t know who She is. A Woman just in his head, who sleeps in his (a jump up to the falsetto for just this one word in the verse) bed while he plays pretend. Much has been said about the gender/fluidity discovery in this song, and by better than me. It’s clear what Harry is saying, it’s clear what he’s going through and wrestling with. He’s thinking of Subject, but also haunted by She, in his head, in his mind’s eye, in his daydreams. She is a part of Harry, and Harry wants to know who She is. 

Side C

Uncomplicated tonics! All Major! A shift into happiness perhaps? 

Sunflower: F Major. BbM - FM - CM, or IV, I, V.  The bridge is fancy:

iii, IV, V, vi, I, V vi, V (vi?) V 

Some trippie hippie song from the 60s! Two lines of thought are apparent from the get go; Harry says he wants to get to know Subject, but then says “before I got to know you.” It’s as if this is a new beginning, like he and Subject are starting over. Much is made of the ‘seed’ thing, a metaphor for new life and rebirth, “plant new seeds in the melody.” Harry is trying hard not to talk to Subject, to not seem eager, not act a fool. He was just tongue tied, then he’s still tongue tied, implying he’s done this whole dance before. He implores Subject to hold their sweet memories: domestic times, kitchens, kids. In Golden, Subject was the sun. Now Subject is a sunflower, hung up high in the gallery, out of the shade, in the light a sunflower needs to thrive, into the light, step into the light. Little gasps from Harry interject throughout; is he surfacing from water (LU music video?), is he breathing between kisses, is he suddenly gifted new life like Gandalf atop Isengard? The end of the piece devolves into calls of unbridled, nonsensical joy, like birds song, like mating calls amongst brilliant plumage. 

Canyon Moon: D Major. DM - GM - AM - DM (I, IV, V, I)

 Bridge DM - (Em transit?) - AM - DM (I, (ii), V, I) 

Chorus DM - AM - DM - GM (I, V6, I6, IV) 

Perhaps the most straightforward tonic bound song of the album. Harry is missing Subject, but it’s a happy nostalgia now, a hopeful one, a “two weeks and I’ll be home.” Home is no longer a lonely place, like in TBSL. The world is happy waiting (there’s no rush? No need to have everything figured out?). “Doors yellow, broken, blue.” You can’t bribe the door on the way to the sky a sky where Harry’s Golden sun awaits him, and now the sky door is broken, busted through, that blue door to a blue sky that never looked so blue. 

We get another glimpse of She here; Subject remains You, Harry remains Harry, but there’s also a She who plays old hippies’ love songs and pretends to know the words; perhaps this is another Camille reference for narrative purposes, but I lean more towards this being another reference to She as Harry, exploring odd new music he’s never heard, trying not to be so pretentious about it but failing. (He’s such an Aquarius.) Most charmingly of all, the single whistler becomes two by the end of the song. 

Treat People With Kindness: F Major. This is the most interesting piece in terms of text painting. 

We start with CM6 - FM, then FM6/4 - BbM, then back to CM6 - FM, then we hold on the Am chord, and then repeat the whole thing. So analyzed in F Major this would be V6, I, I6/4, IV, V6, I, iii. 

But. By using the I6 to IV, Harry plays with the idea of a V of IV, where you take the IV chord of the key and pretend it has its own dominant (V) and use the V of IV not as the I chord normally is used, but as a Leading Tone chord to IV. 

ALL THAT TO SAY. He’s illustrating the lyrics. During “Maybe we can find a place” the chords are playing with dual resolutions. Where is the actual tonic? Is it F Major or B Flat Major? It’s ambiguous! We don’t know! We haven’t found our place yet! 

But then! The bridge. “And if we’re here long enough” and look where we land, on a CM chord, then BbM, then FM, a solid V, IV, I progression. And THEN (bless this boy) on the word belong we get the same A minor chord (the iii) but we get a 7th added to the chord, a G, and Harry holds this G in the melody (plant new seeds in the melody), a note that VERY MUCH DOES NOT BELONG because in no universe does a iii chord in Major have a 7th added! And Harry not only ADDS but draws attention to this note, this note that doesn’t belong!!! Then this iii7 chord resolves to C Major (V), making the G note a chord tone, making it BELONG, making it fit perfectly. 

GOD. Weep with me. 

This is Over the Rainbow. This is Hair, this is Age of Aquarius. Somewhere there’s a place we can belong and feel good and people will celebrate and rejoice in us, someday a new age will dawn. 

Harry is plunging into the deep end, dreaming, caught up in his good feelings and his euphoria in being “given second chances.” He’s tentative about admitting reckless hope to Subject; instead he says, “Maybe we can find a place to feel good?” Harry says he doesn’t need all the answers. He said in LU “do you know who you are” then in Falling “What am I now?” then in She “I don't know who she is” and now he’s at peace. He feels good in his skin, and he will keep on dancing. 

Most personally, I think the sudden somber turn of the line “If our friends all pass away” is in reference to grief. He’s speaking to Subject, but also to himself. It will be okay, okay, okay. Harry can’t control his life, he doesn’t have everything figured out, but he’s come to accept that. 

Side D

Fine Line: D Major. We come full circle, returning to the use of only three chords like at the start of the album. This time, though, Harry resolves to tonic in a repetitive pattern used for both the verses and chorus: 

Bm, GM7, DM6/4, or vi, IV7, I

FL is the summation of the album, the thesis statement, the conclusion of the journey. Harry has endured tests of patience, and accepted that there are things he’ll never know. He’s trying to shake off trepidation (of plunging in the deep end? Of hoping?). He says “My hand’s at risk, I fold.” The poker analogy is an interesting one; Subject (presumably) has gotten past Harry’s poker face, has sussed out his fronts and acts and strategies, and Harry is left bare and exposed, vulnerable before them. He’s been brought to this point, but willingly he folds. He laments that “spreading you open is the only way of knowing you.” We should open up before it’s all too much. Harry is done fighting. He’s also done sleeping in the dirt. For the first time he’s not sugar-coating his words, avoiding their problems via sex and pretense and flowery language. He’s matured enough to admit, “Man, I hate you sometimes.”

Again we have the reappearance of She. Harry says to Subject, “We’ll get the drinks in, so I’ll get to thinking of her.” This She is something between them, within them now, another facet of his and Subject’s relationship. Harry is going to spend time thinking of Her. She, I believe, is a part of him. 

A fine line is a balancing act, a tightrope, a suspension between extremes. But Harry calls out into the echo of the music, “We’ll be alright.” A declaration, a hope, a promise. Brass, strings, and a building crescendo, a cacophony of movie-credit-worthy emotion, sweeps us towards closure. Ethereal voices fade out, moving from dominant to tonic, but then a solitary piano plinks on a V chord, twice, hanging in the air, a question, an invitation, a hope. 

[keanuvibe]

can i get a john wick x reader please ? slight eating disorder (not encouraging). the reader has issues with food and eating regularly. john notices and helps her schedule couple eating times so he knows that she is nourishing herself. just soft and fluffy please. extra words of encouragement from my mans jardani

A/N: this request hit close to home bc i struggled with an eating disorder for years between my late teens to young adulthood. If you ever need to talk nonnie, (not assuming anything, but--) my inbox or dm’s are always open <3 that goes for everybody, btw)

Warnings: eating disorder tw, fluff

The plate of fresh pasta seemed to mock you as it sat perfectly placed onto the plate, made to look like art with the sauce and garnish placement. Normally, you would’ve dived in by now; but when you looked at the dish, it just made you queasy instead. Furrowing your brow, you pushed the plate away from you and stood from the kitchen chair, rushing to the bathroom.

This was the first occurrence of John witnessing you flat out refuse to eat. Of course there were earlier occasions where things seemed off. It started as a simple unfinished plate, then followed by smaller portions, and the occasional strict ‘fasting period’ where you’d go nearly a full two days without food. A part of him didn’t want to believe it, and that’s why he hadn’t immediately addressed the issue.

But this is one thing that can’t be ignored. Not when it came to you.

He sat you down a few days after the pasta incident; taking so much time only to allow himself to think and approach the situation with a light heart. He felt some anger, yes, anger over the fact you cared so little about yourself. That your brain had told you, you didn’t deserve nutrition; or-- god forbid-- that you weren’t ‘pretty enough’. But you didn’t need a stern talking to, you needed love.

“Darling, have you been eating?” His voice is so soft spoken, it catches you off guard. You raise your brows from faux confusion, trying your best to play it off.

“O-Of course, why would you-” You began to go off, but John setting a hand onto your thigh in reassurance cut you off, and the rest of your sentence was replaced by a sad sigh. 

“What’s going on?” John pushed, but gently. A lump formed in your throat, but you swallowed in an attempt to push it away. Your bottom lip betrayed you, however, beginning to quiver as tears threatened to spill.

“I-I don’t know.” Your voice cracked as you spoke, “I-I’ve just been feeling insecure lately and-”

“Hey,” John cut you off, his hand grasping your chin so softly, “You’re gorgeous, and always have been. Your body is perfect. I love the stretch marks, the scars, moles, freckles... the soft squish of your stomach and thighs.” The man had managed to pull you into his chest during his speech as you silently cried. Sometimes the little voice in your head took control, but John was always there to remind you what’s real.

You two sat there in silence as he whispered sweet nothings, rubbing your back. Knowing your partner loved you and wanted to work out this issue felt like enough motivation to get healthy again; Even if it was going to be hard work. 

“Here’s what I’m thinking,” The man spoke up again after a few moments of silence, “Planned dinners, from now on. When I eat, you eat. Even if it’s one bite, I’ll be happy.”

“Okay,” You agreed softly, looking up to greet his eye line. He looked tired, like this issue had been gnawing at him too, not just you. His brown eyes looked your face over, gently raising a hand to remove a strand of hair from your sight. You nuzzled your face into his palm, causing the man to perk up at the intimacy.

“We’re in this together, darling. A team.” He added, taking advantage of his hand cupping your face, and pulling you in for a kiss. Your lips met in a gentle manor, however, the mans stubble still tickled your delicate skin. 

“I love you, John.” You sighed into the kiss, sniffling slightly and pulling back to see his expression. His eyes softened at the declaration, brows pushing together in endearment.

“I love you too.” His deep voice responded, filling your belly with a loving warmth. You were in this together, and that’s all the reassurance you needed.

[wwonder-landd]

Talks on TikTok

Pairing: Jordan Fisher x Female Reader

Warnings: Some bad words, my bad this whole thing is one bog self insert!

Request? Yes! Tagged @johnlaurensbitch​ and anon request!! this is probably a very late request,, considering i’m never on tumblr.

Preview: kinda self explanatory?? but basically reader duets jordan’s tiktok and he sees it and messages her!!

Y/F/N is Your Friend’s Name!!

Masterlist

TikTok was a relatively new app in your life. You had done a few POV’s and also sang along to the Sofia The First song to “broadway attractive men: sing-a-long edition” specifically to sing along for Thayne Jasperson and Jordan Fisher. It had become a new obsession, as you replied to comments and liked funny ones that made you laugh when you couldn’t sleep.

As you swiped through your For You page and liked a few, you received a comment notification. @username: @yourusername please duet this!!! 

Upon reading the comment, you first checked the username to make sure it wasn’t a weird bot account, and you realized it was not. After that, you clicked the video and it took you to Jordan Fisher’s account. 

The video was a 60 second clip of Jordan singing the Orpheus part of “All I’ve Ever Known” from Hadestown. You already knew the song and you had seen Reeve in the Original Broadway Cast, alongside Eva Noblezada, prior to Coronavirus putting every inch of Broadway in the dark.

Below the video, the caption said “Duet this as Eurydice! Let me hear your voices! :) #fyp #hadestown #duet.”

Maybe you could duet it? Of course you could, it was just a simple sixty second video, it wouldn’t change or affect your life in any way shape or form. At least that’s what you initially thought.

Clicking the small swishy arrow, then clicking duet, you sang your part and finalized the video, with the caption ‘The Orpheus to my Eurydice! Cast Jordan as Orpheus or you’re cowards!!! #fyp #bway #duet #hadestown’ Granted the duet itself wasn’t anything professional and was merely for fun, as you assumed Jordan would never see it, let alone anyone from Broadway that would see your poke at the Hadestown casting directors.

You went to text your friend about your recent Glee binge while pressing play on the next episode, though Netflix should know you by now. Of course you’re ‘still watching,’ that shouldn’t even be a question. You decide to grab the bag of chips off of the coffee table before plopping yourself on the couch and settling into the plot that was the storm of Glee.

Two episodes in and your phone vibrates beside you. 

Y/F/N Calling...

You accept the call and raise the phone to your ear.

“Oh my God! You saw it right? Tell me you saw it?” they shrill into your ear.

“What is ‘it?” What are you talking about?”

“Come on Y/N... Jordan commented on your post!”

“No way.. What the fuck!? Let me go see.” you respond before adding, “hold on, I’ll call you back.”

Sure enough, you opened TikTok and there was the notification, or the many notifications...

@jordan_fisher: YOU KILLED THIS! 😍

Another notification popped up, this time a little paper airplane depicting a dm.

Jordan Fisher: 

Hey! You did so good on that duet!! 

Does he do that to everyone who duets? What was going on...

You take a screenshot and send it to Y/F/N with ‘tell me i’m reading this wrong... this is fake...’ undernearth the screenshot.

You go back to TikTok and reply, or try to, as Y/F/N floods you with texts. ‘OMG DATE’ ‘WTF NO WAY’ ‘OMG SIS U HAVE TO’ ‘MESSAFE HIM’ ‘FLIRT FLIRT PLS OMH DO IT NOW FOT ME’

Y/N L/N:

Thank you! That means so much coming from you! Yours was phenomenal

He responded almost instantaneously.

Jordan Fisher: 

Well I kinda do the singing thing for a living. Seriously though, do you sing? I’ve seen some of your videos, you’re really good!

Now he wants to actually know you? Not only that, but he’s creeped on your TikTok? He doesn’t do this with everyone... right?

Y/N L/N:

Well I knew that much. I sing in the shower! Not professionally, but I’ve written some stuff.. I wish I had the guts to get out there!

You were actually shaking, and didn’t know what to even say to him. This was all so surreal to you.

Then you got an Instagram notification. 

@jordan_fisher has followed you!

Followed by a TikTok notification that Jordan had duetted you back. The duet was Jordan staring at the screen with a smile on his face while you sang the Eurydice part, then adding “OH MY GOD SHE’S LITERALLY SO GOOD!” to the end. 

Comments flooded in left and right, follows on Instagram.. It seemed endless. You decide to mess with him and message him on Instagram. 

@YourUsername: 

You stalking me or something? 🤔

@jordan_fisher: 

Maybe it’s something like that. Or maybe you just caught my eye.

@YourUsername:

Is that so?

@jordan_fisher:

Yeah, you really blew me away!

@YourUsername:

Okay Philip Hamilton blow us all away tease! Btw you did so good in that show! 

@jordan_fisher:

You saw it?

@YourUsername:

Yeah I saw you as Philip and John, but couldn’t stagedoor :( but here I am talking to you so!

@jordan_fisher:

Well I’m glad the universe worked out that way!

@YourUsername:

Literally how many people can say they’re talking to their childhood crush on Instagram? Not many!

@jordan_fisher:

Childhood crush huh?

@YourUsername:

Let’s just say my younger sibling had a thing for Liv&Maddie😂

@jordan_fisher:

That’s cute though! Gotta start somehow. This is totally random, and you can say no, but what would you say to coffee sometime?

@YourUsername:

I’d say that I’ll need your number to let your know when your order is ready, just like Starbucks!

@jordan_fisher:

Oh right, like Starbucks...😂 xxx-xxx-xxxx

@YourUsername:

I’ll text you the plan yeah?

@jordan_fisher:

Can’t wait!

-

yikes, when this is some really bad writing and a weird ending???? it’ll probably be a part two or something idk i didn’t have an idea for the next bit?? so if anyone has any ideas pls hit the ask box up.. but beware i really forget that thing exists ajdakkjf IM GETTING BETTER AT TUMBLR I SWEAR IM RELEARNING THE WRITING THING AND THE TUMBLR THING.. trust the process pls bc i miss writing and i want ppl to like the stuff i write!! also sorry for the weird title,,, again, still getting used to this stuff again :/

[botwstoriesandsuch]

P-please talk about your Rito OC, please... ramble without any context, please... I have one too... please make me feel less alone...

Ok ok let me just *unloads all of Illeka’s super angsty self-indulgent backstory*

I technically have two backstories, one for botw that I’m gonna use for my fic Where Time Takes Us, and another I use for my dnd campaign. My dnd one is more fleshed out (thanks to my amazing GM) so I’ll probably just share that one. 

Warning for super duper long post that is barely coherent and I haven’t checked for typos and also rip to ADHD folks because I have no pictures to ease your brain with. Anyhow prepare for like thousands of words worth of rambles this is not edited at all

This is just a copy paste of the random incoherent shit I sent to my poor DM. Anyhow, I technically have 3 ocs here, but Illeka is the one I play

A weird Rito, that one is. I hear they’ve only cried at birth...

- Illeka was born on the Day of Living Fire, its a celebration of the dead essentially, where you mourn and remember your loved ones and ancestors and all that. It’s superstition to be *born* on this day, because your life/creation takes away from the day that’s supposed to honor the dead, and some people on birb island believe these things, that if you let the kid live it’s a curse. But most people are like no wtf you boomers it’s fine there’s no such thing you crazy old people are weird, which to be fair is kinda true.

- When Talako is around 6, his single mom dies. He’s adopted by a new family, Kala (also around 6 years old) and her parents.

- Illeka meets Talako after he kinda follows her around, because he’s an innocent cinnamon bun that admires Illeka’s calm and stoic demeanor after they help him with some bullies. Through this, Talako, Illeka, and Kala all become best friends.

- The events in Illeka’s life aren’t really helping their whole curse case. Every bad event, from their dad getting injured and having the slightest limp, to their brother, Zekk nearly setting himself on fire— it’s all a supposed punishment for not killing them when they were bored. But at this point most people brush it off as coincidence, besides, nothing THAT bad has happened yet.

- the trio of friends grow strong, becoming some of the best in their arts on the island. And their relationship is seemingly adorable. The serious ~~cursed~~ one, the optimistic sunshine one, and the sarcastic firey one. Prides of their village, set to protect their people from harm.

- Illeka is the best in the village when it comes to physical fights. Trusty halberd, and a keen shot with a bow, they’ve never lost a sparring match on that front. Their personality is offputting to some, there’s a rumour that they’ve never cried. The easiest of jokes, and the vilest of insults don’t spark much reaction from them— except in the presence and topic of their family, Kala, and Talako. But otherwise, the story goes that the cursed kid doesn’t have a soul, and hence, no morality or emotions.

- When they train with Talako and Kala, they never back down, if only out of respect, Illeka wouldn’t want to embarrass them with pity. Talako always laughs at his inevitable defeat, though he tries nonetheless. He promises that one day he’ll be strong enough to beat them.

- Talako is a pleasant soul, but has an nack for adventure and a hint of chaos. He prefers to dual wield daggers, and on occasion a short sword or two. He’s great with the blade, loves the thrill of the fight, but is more skilled with cooking and physical healing and remedies. He’s always the one encouraging fun celebratory hang outs at the tavern, with his two closest friends after a day of guarding the village. Kala always sides with him, and Illeka typical gives in after at least putting on a show of reluctance. He humble and happy and loved by most of the village, if only things would last

- Kala is of wit and cunning, she’s typically the first to speak. She’s headstrong and not afraid to insult whoever she displeases, and a bit too arrogant in her abilities. She laughs at all of Talako’s jokes, if perhaps only to spite Illeka’s groans. She’s also the most strategic of her friends, being the “one with a plan” in battle. While she’s a decent wield of two khopesh, Kala’s mostly gifted with magic. She’s got a knack for conjuring, though is well researched in other types as well. Illeka and her are an even match, with decent win ratios on either end. Illeka doesn’t take it that personally, they suck/hate magic after all. Kala’s a bit more competitive tho.. While her power in magic is certainly the best on all of the island, she can’t help but feel salty/jealous for always being overshadowed by Illeka’s feats, since the people prefer/understand the physical over the magic.

- Oh, and she was born on day after the Day of Living Fire, according to her parents. How lucky.

- In a sense, they’re all a bit of an outcast. Kala the fiery independent one, a bit sidecasted for prefering magic over steel. Talako the weird orphan, for being a chirpy, happy boi, which is a bit annoying for some. And Illeka…well lets just say their situation isn’t going to be improving

- One year, Illeka’s family is expecting more kids, twin sisters at that! It’s the most excited anyone’s ever seen Illeka, thought perhaps that’s not the right word… They’ve still got their usual demeanor, but they did spend nearly a week crocheting little baby hats and tunics and scarves. They threatened to kill their brother if they told anyone, although Zekk was allowed to let it slip to Tal and Kala

- [They are absurdly good at crochet btw. They never do it anymore to try and maintain their “reputation,” but their family will never forget the time they crafted matching blankets and hats to win a little competition in their home town.]

- Then the Day of Living Fire arrives for that year. Theres a little celebration for Illeka’s birthday, before moving on to other activities.

- The twins die that night.

- The village was in a bit of shock…and rumours grow considering the timing of it. The mysterious circumstance of it…well it does turn the heads of even some of the less-superstitious. The rumours, the death, the silent thought that perhaps that cursed bird caused some babies’ death, Illeka endured it.

- Years later would it get worse.

- Illeka is still publically respected at this point, weird rumours sure, but try telling that to the edge of her halberd. Their mother had made the twin’s shrine, but they say Illeka didn’t visit that often. Talako was always by their side, trying to help them, which was always appreciated, even when they tried to hide it.

- Kala was busy in the library these days.

- Zekk had started a family by now, a little baby birb named Mili hatched into the world.  Illeka would often steal her away for little cuddles when they (thought) no one was looking. Zekk would jest that they had to fight for the right to hold his own kid. Kala would also occasionally tease them about it, though Tal was mostly happy to see them in better spirits

- Then, another Day of Living Fire.

- Talako and Illeka were usually on guard duty together, the northern patrol by the village edge. But tal was still a bit worried about his friend’s state of mind, he’s not sure he’d even seen them mourn. He pushes for Illeka to take the day off, it’s technically their birthday after all, plus they can pay their respected at the shrines and attend the festivities and do the ceremonies and all that. Illeka denies it, brushing it off like they always do.

- Soon, their nightly patrol begins, and Illeka is about to set off to met up with Talako, but Kala intercepts. She has a talk with them, similar to that of Talako’s, but with…more well crafted and laced words. It’s nearly the same message that Talako tried to tell them, “It’ll be healthy for you, visit the shrines, be with your family, maybe brush off some rumours in the process.” Illeka nearly denies again, joking that Talako would get afraid of the dark if they didn’t show up. But Kala interjects, stating that she’s already made plans to take the patrol that nigth with Tal. Trusting their friends to be safe in each others care, Illeka relents and takes the day off.

- …yeah. so

- perhaps you can see where this is going.

- Kala’s jealousy had been growing over the years. Not only was she being shadowed by Illeka and their non magic ways, but it was irritating even more that all the talk about magic in the town was not of her exceptional abilties, but of stupid rumours and non-existent evil curses. If the people wanted show, she’d give them a show

- This mindset made her spars with Illeka a bit more personal as of late, getting it in her head that she needed to get stronger, strong enough to best Illeka with ease. Strong enough so that there would be no question who was the best warrior on the island, magic, bows, halberds, or no.

- The library had many forgotten books that she had been studying. Conjuring, rituals, illusions, necromancy. It was all…beautiful. Kala soaked in every word, sometimes berating the bookkeeper offhandedly for not keeping them in the best condition

- In her research she eventually found a beast. A..thing, a demon? A monster, the specifics weren’t there, but the gist of it was, if you had the courage to summon it, it would grant you the knowledge for attaining anything you desired. All it asked in return was…to eat some people.

- But not just any people mind you! Supposedly the ritual only worked for the people with the greatest of ambitions, willing to sacrifice the lives of people they might care about. The sacrifices had to be of someone with great trust and bond with the person.

- Kala’s parents disappeared that day, a few feathers laid about, but there was no blood.

- Near the northern border, by a open field, a weird circle dripped the grass red

- Talako waited by the village edge, ready to fly off with their patrol partner when they arrived. When Kala greeted him, he was a bit surprised, but happy when she explained that Illeka had gone off back to town.

- Indeed Illeka was with their family now, as the sun started to set. Occasionally, a passerby would give them a weird glance before walking swiftly away.

- Somewhere in the northern border, a warrior is knocked unconcious, and dragged upon a blood red pattern

- Illeka is by her sisters’ shrine. For the sliver of a moment, they contemplate crying.

- Then an explosion is heard off in the distance

- Talako was wide awake at this point, although his wings being pinned to his sides wasn’t that helpful considering there was a giant, *giant* dark monster in front of him.

- Kala lets off a final remark, saying it was for his own good. The death would be swifter if he didn’t squirm.

- He whipped back at her, glaring with a fire she hasn’t seen before. He calls her a coward for tricking Illeka, a coward for kill their parents, a coward for not even giving him the decency to fight for his life.

- She nearly smiles at the last remark. “Fine.” She tosses him his blades. “You were never much of a warrior anyway.”

- Illeka was flying towards the booming sound at full speed, nearly knocking over their family and other mourning, people in the process. A few others had tried to slow them down, claiming they should suit of better first, before confronting whatever had been the source of the explosion. Illeka didn’t listen.

- They barely had time to grab a weapon, before approaching the northern border. After gracing the crests of the hill tops, they finally saw it. A giant demonic beast, snapping it’s jaws against a flying dash of black feathers, Talako.

- Illeka called out to him, nearly dashing off into the air again, but they stopped when they spotted Kala, standing idlely by next to her.

- Before they could even speak, before they could even question why she was acting so nonchalantly while their best friend was fighting for their life against an evil monstrosity, Kala shook her head and spoke. “You always have to ruin my fun, don’t you?” She struck a magic blow and Illeka, square in the chest.

- It knocked them to the ground, but they got up, setting their halberd and pointing it at them.

- Then insert some dramatic scene where Kala is like “you’re so selfish, hogging all the attention, thinking you’re better than me, but today I’m gonna finally best you mwahaha” and Illeka is like “wtf why did you do this? I thought we were friends? I trusted you?? the fuck? also talako is our friend!!?” and then its “yeah thats right I manipulated your stupid feelings to gain the upperhand. you’re super pathetic honestly for falling for it. anyhow yeah talako will probably die, i tried to give him the luxary of a swift death but he wouldn’t listen, so now he’s probably gonna get brutally slayed lol” and illeka is all “I’ll kill you” and kala is “no u. This whole thing is gonna give me so much power no ones gonna question me again” and then they fight each other

- The duel is nearly a draw, Kala’s magical ability is certainly is certainly stronger, but she’s not as all powerful without that knowledge from the demon monster guy that needs to eat his meal. Illeka is fighting with all theyve got, but all they brought was a halberd, but they are very fueled by rage and spite so it’s still an even match. Illeka eventually lands a blow that’s got Kala bleeding severely, but Kala pretty much almost kills them with a direct attack. Kala’s too weak to finish the job, plus those other guards have finally started to fly and approach in the distance, so she flys off. Illeka finally slips into unconsciousness.

- When they wake up, it’s almost sunrise. Their mom is shaking them awake, part of the party that was investigating the explosion that summoned the beast. Illeka bolts up, they’re still in the field were they had fought Kala, but she and the beast are no where to be seen.

- They run off, trying to find Talako, and ho boy do they find him alright. His body is crumpled by some rocks, his wing nearly ripped clean off, theres so much blood, even a warrior like Illeka can hardly bare it. Some small bit of hope in their head thinks that he might still be alive, and they listen to his chest to see if he’s still breathing.

- His eyes flicker once at Illeka, his chest rises, then falls for the last time.

- Illeka cries.

- Then, still pretty wounded and tired, they collapse again

- The days following are living hell. Kala hasn’t been found, and their her parent’s [bodies]. The rumours are creeping as ever, at the coincidence of Illeka and this disaster. They spend nearly a weak in bed at home, recovering physically, thought probably not mentally.

- As soon as they’ve fully recovered, Illeka’s mind is set. They are going to leave, no more warrior/village protection for them. They’re going to travel far off, train and hone their skills in combat, and find and kill Kala.

- Their family is opposed to this at first, but in the end nothing they say changes Illeka’s mind.

- In a sense, there was another, unspoken reason Illeka was leaving the islands. They didn’t want to hurt anyone else.

- Hell, the rhetoric is even stronger down the line, concerning the fate of poor Mili. Illeka has given in and accepted it, they are cursed to cause pain to the people they care about. [It’s basically that trope of the character isn’t actually cursed but they believe they’re cursed] Illeka will stay away, and go it alone for as long as they can. Then once the deed is done, once they draw Kala’s corpse across the mud, they’ll probably fly off somewhere far to die, before anyone else gets hurt. It’s probably best for their family never to see them again.

- - - - - - 

Wow you did it, you made it through the super angsty self-indulgent backstory congrats. Illeka is my lil baby and I love them and I’ve gonna send them on a revenge quest and then they were gonna have a cool character arc probably about learning to grieve and have self worth and all that and to actually allow themselves to show emotions for once in their lives. That’s the general plan I had in my head anyhow

But you know what my dm thought?

They were like how about mORE ANGSt

Fucking shit you not, session three of the campaign, I’m heading back to birb island because of circumstances, and I’m getting supplies from my blacksmith dad and showing off this sword that says “fuck” a lot that I got from a dungeon that took a selkie’s soul which they gave up willingly in exchange for fire hair...long story

but THEN I meet up with my bro Zekk and it’s like “wassup bro just passing through” but then I find out that Talako’s shrine thing was DESTORYED by some unknown entity and that’s very not good because spirituality and all that

and also I find Mili and they’re a cute lil toddler birb now aww it’s so great hope nothing happens to them because I sure do have enough emotional traume to burden right now. anyhow due to CIRCUMSTANCES our only lead to the thing that destroyed Talako’s shrine is 1) a delinquent named Chesio [that our party nicknamed cherrio because the GM misspelled it the first time i think] who apparently was Talako’s shitty cousin and his only living relative who could build his shrine and 2) the destruction of the shrine lines up with a period of time where Mili went missing but its ok she came back so her parents were like “chill we gucci”

Our party decides we should go down the Mili lead [because I accidentally knocked Cherrio i mean Chesio to near death with a crit roll with my halberd so they’re in the infirmary now but it’s really not my fault that they triggered my emotional trauma by mentioning how I keep running away from grief and never staying around to confront it it’s fiiiiiiiiiiiiine] so we stop by Zekk’s house and we’re like “hey so remember when you disappeared for like a week where did you go, and then mili was like “oh it’s in this cavern that no one knows about and I can’t really give you the directions but I can lead you there if you take me with you” in which I then glare at the GM for this obvious attempt to force us to take Mili with us to put her in danger and apparently I was the ONLY one who cared about this because everyone else in the party was ready to adopt this birb child, and Zekk was like “sure take the kiddy harness” so here I am, watching my niece run around in a kiddy harness that’s also attached to me, while my Chaotic neutral party someone gets grilled cheese sandwiches in the background

Badabing, badaboom, we come to some crystal caverns. while I, being one of the only members of the party with morals other than one chaotic good dragonborn, am watching the selkie, halfoot, and elf girl steal a bunch of crystals, Mili fucking DISAPPEARS the fucking KIDDY HARNESS fucking NOT GOOD she FCUKING SLIPPED OUT AND SHES GONE AND IM FREAKING OUT 

after about an hour or two of searching through the deeper parts of the cavern and tunnel and also fighting a minotaur and discovering an abandoned arena and a cleric, long story. We find Mili fucking laying on A NECROMANCER’S RITUAL CIRCLE WHAT THE FU- 

I pull a “I don’t hesitate bitch” on the hooded dude that’s hovering and chanting shit. He’s dead, it’s all swell. Saved the day, the evil’s dead. Mili’s fine she can go back to being a cute lil baby who loves shiny rocks and-

oh wAIT actually Mili is still transformed into a demonic monster and the necromancer dude was actually in the middle of completing a ritual to bring her back to life after he killed her a few times

So turns out, necromancer dead dude was hired by a mysterious someone, to steal something from Talako’s shrine, and to destroy any evidence. Turns out, his methodology for doing so was to kidnap some birb kid who had the misfortune of wander too close, killing them, turning them into some demonic monster that does their bidding, using that monster to steal and ruin some shit, and then when the day’s done he turns them back like nothing happened. Sure do wish he was alive to redo that last part

I’m freaking out, the party’s freaking out, that sword from earlier is cursing to high heaven for no apparent reason. Cleric unhelpfully remarks how it was a bad idea that we impulsively killed the evil dude bro, yes wow thank you for the help

Eventually everything’s fine. After a few round of shouting “NO ONE TOUCH MY FUCKING NIECE OR YOU DIE” after said demonic niece is kinda mindlessly attacking everyone, we eventually do some good ol blunt force trauma and a bit of magic and BOOM. Mili’s back. Although they do have permanent black ritual markings on them but its fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinee (its not)

We find a note on necromancer dude bro that his employer was from another island, so that’s a lead yay Find Out Next SessionTM but at this point I really don’t care as I’ve already started tying Mili to my chest and walking back to the village

I go back to Zekk’s house, hand off Mili, explain everything that happened, give a super heart feel apology about how I pretty much killed Mili (even though I really didn’t but also as we all know Illeka is an angsty birb who’s steadfast in the idea that their existence hurts everyone they love so yay <3) and then I leave as fast as I can before anyone can protest sure was nice visiting my family after i’ve been away for a few months sure am glad that my inner thoughts about staying away weren’t justified whatsoever hmmmmmm

A session or two passes. We try to assassinate and elf’s evil parents and fail, we get into a Fake Dating Being Someone’s Children Au with a dragon. The selkie keeps trying to date everyone, even thought they’re already married to a necromancer princess and a boat (long story) and inbetween we head to that island that note i got was talking about and turns out it was to a place where all your inner demons and anxieties manifest into reality and taunt you, until youre slowly broken down to the point where the evil dictator on the island can “magic” away your problems with puppet strings. fun for the whole family!

Anyways, after our party fights out evil neon-blue clones, I get a lead from dictator dude that the employer I’m looking for is a Rito that’s good with magic, and was last seen headed east, in the same direction we just came from. fun.a

So I’m kinda low on leads, other than the fact that theres a magic school in the east, but in between we have to deal with the fact that husboat (again, the boat that is married to the selkie who is also our entire party’s form of transportation across the ocean. wait a sec did I mention that we weren’t in Hyrule? We’re not in Hyrule, this is a flooded land with a bunch of islands. Think wind waker) was being chased by pirates. also these pirates were the ones that raised the selkie, and also they kinda also slaughtered an entire island of halffoots in their time with the pirates, and also that island was the one that the halffoot in our party grew up in. So basically that’s some cool tension and drama. Anyhow, back to moi

One talk about how “no we cannot kidnap aNOTHER priest” to the selkie and elf later... magic school! Magic school is pretentious and I hate it. Everythings glowy, they don’t allow you to fly over the gates. There’s puffy noble middle aged men and children in bedazzled cloaks. There’s magic in the air and I swear I would choke and die on the glitter and rainbows of it all. 

Half the party is off getting into cloak fashion, I head off with my dragonborn friend Ness because highfive! We’re the only one’s with morals in this party! Morality pals! (This is saying something considering I am true neutral and she’s chaotic good but we might as well be clerics in this party...)

My morality pal and I and hanging around, then we catch word that there’s this transfer student that no one has seen in a while and “oh I wonder where she could be” and all that jazz from other students. Mortality pals are like “ok let’s go look for her” so we drag the rest of the party off of their larceny spree and look around.

Eventually, after I spot a tattered cloak roaming the halls that matches the description of the gossip, we find the transfer student.

TURNS OUT (unsurprisingly honestly given the way the dm framed stuff) this transfer student is someone I know. She’s standing there, in the middle of the room, preparing to do some ritual or something. She’s standing there, my life purpose, my one and only goal, literally the only reason I’m still going in life, my arch nemesis, my target, my mortal fucking enemy. It’s Kala.

Ness sees a demon dog in the background and says hi, ruining our element of surprise, but to be fair, she doesn’t know it’s Kala. 

Kala whips around from her table thing. We make eye contact. Her face suddenly shift from confusion to surprise to bewilderment to shock to happiness. 

Happiness.

“Illeka I thought you were dead!” Kala runs towards me, but I’m too shocked to move.

She’s smiling. It’s not sadistic, it’s not...harmful, it’s just genuine joy. For a moment I thought I saw a tear in her eye. 

Kala hugs me for a long moment, before letting go. “So how did you survive?”

...

In my head I’m thinking, “oh you fuck face”

THE. AUDACITY. OF. THIS. BITCH. 

“HOWD I SURVIVE” UH NO THANKS TO YOU FOR ALMOST KILLING ME FOR YOUR STUPID RITUAL WHATEVER THAT KILLED TALAKO WTFFF

ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO PULL THE SAME TRICK AGAIN??? GONNA PRETEND TO BE ALL SENTIMENTAL AND NICE JUST TO TRY AND KILL ME LATER ON? HA OK OK

how about instead, I do the one good thing, the one worthwhile thing I can do in my entire life...just one simple course of action that might hope to make up for the mountain of regret that is my entire existence. 

I am finally going to kill you.

Kala’s staring at me, eyes curious, head tilted as if all she ever did was ask what I had for brunch. 

I blink once, and my neutral expression, faintly coated with shock morphs into determination.

I roll for initiative. 

- - - - - - 

It’s 1am. 

So have a cliffhanger, kinda. 

If anyone bothers to read this far, congrats! Your reward is me being lazy. I’ll tell you what happened sometime tomorrow if anyone really wants to know :P Long story short, it doesn’t end how I, and therefore probably you, would except. 

[blurry-fics]

Two Years

Pairing: Josh Dun x Reader

Warnings: Angst, profanity

Word Count: 2200

Request: hi! if requests are open can I request a josh fic where they were really close friends for years but then he got a really controlling girlfriend and he stopped talking to y/n. after like 2 years he broke up with her and tried to become friends with y/n again but his ex girlfriend was blaming the reader for the break up so y/n got in an argument with josh about the fact that she didn't want to get involved and then he confesses that he's in love with the reader? you're so talented btw

Author’s Note: As promised, here is the fic! I wrote this one a little differently than I normally do, so I hope you enjoy it! :) (picture credit)

Two Years Ago

y/n: josh?

y/n: are you going to tell me why you didn’t show up to lunch yesterday?

y/n: this is the third time you’ve bailed on our plans without telling me

y/n: is something going on that i don’t know about?

…

y/n: ok

Four Months Ago

The sun was shining on your back as you walked through the park, enjoying your Saturday off and getting some fresh air after spending the week in the office. Music playing through your headphones was also helping to block out the world around you. It was a nice way to unwind after a stressful week at work.

There was an empty bench beneath a tree, so you decided to sit down and rest for a little while before you continued your walk. You grabbed your phone from your pocket, deciding that it was as good a time as any to catch up on any notifications you may have missed. Knowing your boss, there was inevitably some side project that he would want you to take on and finish before work on Monday. Even if you didn’t want to do it, it was better to know now and give yourself plenty of time to complete it.

To your surprise, there was a text from an unknown number on your screen, bearing the simple message of “hey”. You weren’t one to typically answer those types of texts, but there had been an influx of new people at work and your boss had been quick to hand out your personal number in case they “needed anything.”

y/n: who is this?

You set your phone down in your lap while you waited for an answer; you didn’t want to sit around staring at your screen. This was still meant to be a relaxing walk, after all.

unknown: you really don’t know?

A chill ran down your spine, but you decided to push forward in the conversation. An old friend, maybe?

y/n: no, sorry.

unknown: it’s josh. josh dun?

Shit.

You shut your phone off, wishing you could pretend that you hadn’t just seen his message. The last time you had spoken to Josh was nearly two years ago, if you could even call it that. He had essentially ghosted you after he started seeing his girlfriend with zero explanation. You had tried to maintain the friendship for a few months, but after all of your texts and calls went unanswered, you finally gave up. The two of you hadn’t spoken since.

josh: this is y/n, right?

Your hands shook as you typed your response.

y/n: yeah

y/n: why are you contacting me?

josh: it’s a long story. can i call you?

y/n: i’m on a walk right now. i’ll call you when i get home.

You got off the bench and started walking in the direction you had come from.

You paced the length of the kitchen with your phone clutched in your hand, occasionally stopping to take a drink of water. Even after spending the entire walk home trying to figure out what you felt about hearing from Josh, you were still conflicted. On one hand, you were excited to hear from the guy you had once considered your best friend. On the other, you were furious that he had disappeared without a trace and decided to randomly come back years later. You had gotten so used to life without him that you weren’t sure that you were ready for a life with him again.

If that was even what he wanted.

You decided to put an end to your worrying and call Josh. The phone only rang a few times before he picked up.

“Hello?” Your heart skipped a beat at hearing his voice again.

“What the fuck, Josh?”

“Well that’s not the reaction I was expecting.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, did you expect me to be all happy and relieved that you finally decided to contact me? You dropped me out of nowhere, with no explanation, and then moved halfway across the country. Who the hell does that?”

“Listen, Y/N, I can explain.”

“Then you better start explaining fast because I really don’t have the patience for this.”

“Ok.” Josh took a deep breath. “You remember my girlfriend?”

“The one you started dating before dropping me? Yeah, I remember,” you snapped.

“Yes, ok, listen. That was the problem. Things were ok for the first couple months and then she got really… controlling. One of the first things she said I had to do was stop talking to you, and I went along with it. I know it’s stupid, but it was easier than trying to fight her on it. I thought it would get better with time. I really did. I never meant to stop talking to you for years, Y/N.”

You took a deep breath. Although Josh’s actions had hurt you, you could understand where he was coming from.

“But you did, Josh.”

“I know, and I’m so sorry. I regret it every single day. That’s why I’m reaching out to you now.”

“Thank you for apologizing.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Is… is she still in the picture?” you asked.

“Yeah. I’ve been trying to put an end to things, but it’s not easy, as you can imagine.”

“Right.”

“Can I ask you something?”

You took a deep breath, “Sure.”

“Do you think that there’s a possibility that we can be friends again?”

You paused, listening to the static of the phone call.

“Yes.”

Two Months Ago

Bad idea.

Bad idea.

Bad idea.

“Hi,” you smiled as you pulled the front door open. “How are you?”

Josh looked almost surprised to see you. He stared at you for a moment before he finally started to smile, holding his arms out.

“I’m ok, how are you?”

You accepted his hug and pressed your face to his chest. He smelled different than you remembered.

“I’m alright. Come in.”

After spending the last couple months catching up via texts and phone calls, you finally told Josh that you felt ready to see him in person again. He had caught a flight back to Ohio the next day and now he was standing in your entryway.

“Do you want anything to drink?” you asked.

“I’m ok, thank you.”

“Alright.”

The two of you sat down on opposite ends of the couch. Despite your easy conversation over the phone, you felt tongue tied now that Josh was actually sitting in front of you. Had it really been two years since you were in the same room?

“Your house is really nice,” Josh said. He was nervously twisting his fingers.

“You don’t have to make small talk with me, Josh. But thank you.”

He turned to you with a partial smile.

“Two years later and you can still read me like a book.”

“Your facial expressions tell me all I need to know.”

“All of it?” he asked, eyebrows raised.

“All of it.”

“Noted.”

You were unable to stop a smile from creeping across your face. Of course you and Josh would act like you hadn’t ever spent any time apart. Isn’t that how you had always been?

“Hey, what did you tell your girlfriend about going to Ohio?”

“She thinks I’m here to work on the album with Tyler. The only reason she didn’t sneak on her own flight here is because her best friend has a bridal shower tomorrow that she refused to miss, although there were a couple times that she almost bailed to come with me.”

“Yikes, I’m sorry.”

Josh shrugged, “It’s ok. Knowing that things will be over soon makes it easier.”

“What are you going to tell her?”

“The truth.”

“Which is?” you asked.

“I shouldn’t share. It’s kind of personal.”

“It doesn’t have anything to do with me, does it?”

“No,” Josh shook his head, “no.”

“Good, because I don’t want to be in the middle of all that. Apparently she already had enough reasons to not like me.”

“I never understood that. How could anybody not like you?”

“No idea,” you laughed, “but they do.”

“I don’t.” You turned towards Josh, expecting him to be laughing, but his face was completely sincere. “Not in the slightest.”

“Thanks, Josh. I appreciate that.”

One Month Ago

Ding.

Ding.

Ding.

Ding.

“What the hell?” you muttered, pulling your attention away from your laptop long enough to check your phone. There were four messages, all from Josh.

josh: i’m sorry

josh: i’m so sorry

josh: i didn’t mean for her to find out

josh: it was an accident

That didn’t sound good.

y/n: slow down, what are you talking about?

josh: [sent a link]

You clicked on the link, which took you to an Instagram post made by Josh’s now-ex girlfriend, as he had informed you last night. The picture was of her, and the caption spanned most of the rest of your screen. Your stomach sunk as you started to read it.

As many of you know, for the last two years, I was dating @joshuadun. I THOUGHT we were meant to be, but apparently he wanted to dump me because he was in love with someone else. Of course, he wouldn’t tell me who that was because he’s a lying, scummy, piece of shit that led me on for absolutely no reason. Since he won’t tell me, I’ll let all of you do my digging for me, starting with @y/n. They were friends before I started dating him and they randomly decided to “reconnect” a few months ago. Suspicious, huh? Anyway, I’m going to be taking a little social media break for my mental health, but feel free to DM me with anything you find. Hugs and kisses xoxo see you soon!

You dialed Josh instantly.

“Hi, Y/N.”

“What is going on?”

“I’m sorry. I was packing up my things this morning and left my phone on the bed while I went into another room to grab something. She snuck in and saw a message from you and started screaming at me, accusing me of cheating on her.”

“Is it true?”

“No, I would never cheat on her,” Josh said, immediately getting defensive.

“Not that part. When you were at my house, you told me that you were going to tell her the truth. She said in her post that you told her you were in love with someone else, and she thinks it’s me. Is that true? Are you in love with me, Josh?”

Your question was met with silence. You had to double check that he hadn’t hung up on you.

“Josh?”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes,” he took a deep breath, “I’m in love with you.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“What?”

“What do you mean what?” you snapped. “You stopped talking to me out of nowhere, randomly came back years later claiming you wanted to be friends again, lied to me when I asked if the truth had anything to do with me, and then publicly dragged me into the middle of your breakup! I asked you for one thing, Josh. One. I didn’t want to be in the middle of it, yet here I am.”

“I’m sorry, it was an accident.”

“I just need to go. I’ll talk to you… I don’t know when, but I need a break from all of this. Bye, Josh.”

You hung up before giving him a chance to say anything else.

Present Day

Josh was sitting in front of you.

You were nervously picking at your jeans, trying to find the right words to say. The two of you had been having conversations here and there over the last month, but you still felt bad about the way you had reacted when the drama with his ex happened. There had been more going on than you thought under the surface, and as a result Josh had gotten all of your stress dumped on him.

It was long past time you actually explained that to him.

“Are you going to say anything?” he asked.

“Yes, I just need a second,” you said. “I’m sorry.”

“Take your time.”

You nodded. Josh idly tapped his fingers on his legs.

“Ok. I think I’m ready.”

“I’m listening.”

You looked up at Josh, meeting his eyes. His eyebrows raised slightly.

“First, I just want to apologize again for how I reacted when all the drama happened. I had a lot going on and you were an easy target to take my stress out on. I thought it was just frustration at first, but after some thinking I realized it was a lot more than that.”

You waited for Josh to say something, but he stayed quiet.

“I love you too, Josh.”

“You do?”

“I pushed it down for a long time for a lot of reasons, but the fact of the matter is that I love you. I can’t deny it anymore.”

Josh leaned forward and wrapped his arms around you, burying his face in the crook of your neck. You held onto him tightly.

He smelled just like you remembered.

“I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too,” you smiled.

[sketchyracoon]

I may have lost any semblance of control on my life i had before. Among Us AU details under the cut.

Many of them have accents. I had the idea that they were from a big like multi-country space project and fell in love with the idea of the American(s) on the ship just startling the others because of things like the lack of bidets in the US.

Red (Elliot) is 38, is a Texan and you can tell he says Ya'll as a descriptor and many of the others are slightly fearful of the way he mashes words together. his whole personality can be summed up with "I'm a cowboy baby" and the fact that he's angy.

If I'm honest he is the only American on board that really startles the other crewmates even the other Americans are like "hey dude chill".

Orange (Herbert) is 27 probably from France (haven't really decided yet) and he was more confident before shock horror bad things happened to the whole crew. (More on that at five). Herbert is also very easily overwhelmed, he tries to pay attention but is often confused.  I’ve also decided to change the egg on his head to be a hat in the future but I decided that after I drew the egg.

Pink (Eun-Jung) is 29, South Korean but he got some schooling in Britain and has probably traveled a lot. He looks soft but he can and will throw a mean punch. He and Herbert have crushes on each other but they kinda put it to the side when shit went down. There have been many times however when Eun-Jung has sat down with Herbert and calmed him down and dried his tears.

Green (Philip) is one of the younger crewmates being 22, he's a very studious lad he loves adventure novels and always wanted to go to space.

Especially after watching shows and reading books about space. He keeps trying to get together group DND nights but it's very hard for him to cater to everyone's interests cause he's the kind of DM that wants everyone to have fun but he also has a lot planned for a session but nothing ever happens because everyone is always goofing off. He still has fun tho and so does everyone else.

White is Angie, If I'm honest I named her that because of the halo she's wearing, and I thought it'd be funny. She is a not so single once single mother who lost her husband when her kid was born. She used to live in England but moved to Ireland for new scenery and for the space project.

She and black (Jolene) met in school and quickly fell in love. They Are Married! And the whole crew hates (loves) how sappy they are. Angie is stubborn and strong but also very kind and level-headed, she's not easily overwhelmed like Herbert is but when she does get overwhelmed, she doesn't crumble like he does. Doesn't mean her wife doesn't comfort her tho.

They both are in their late forties (Angie is 48 and Jolene is 49) and I named Jolene, Jolene because of the song. Jolene is Irish btw idk if I made that clear. And she is the definition of a chaotic lesbian, Angie tries very hard to keep her air of being a distinguished bi but she's also very chaotic at heart. They both are greying hair-wise but Jolene keeps covering it up with dye. Jolene thinks her wife looks very elegant with the white in her curls. Jolene can be summed up with that one Tumblr post story about a girl who told a girl she liked that "her air must be mad crisp" because of her plants.

Cyan (Tea) is Scandinavian and listen this like Eun-Jung's name is where is gets shaky google wise, and if this name isn't really a Scandinavian than I guess it's just an eccentric nickname. (I’m assuming it’s pronounced like the drink but if I’m wrong sorry) She is NERDY AND PROUD, but like not movie nerdy girl I mean genuinely weird nerdy. I guess technically everyone is a little nerdy in this crew but she's a feral kind of scientist. She is technically the captain of the ship because of her science background and her previous work with the Scandinavian branch of the space mission. Her goggles are prescription. She is 36 and has a little crush on the resident father of two purple (Perry).

Perry is a loving dad and all-around kind dude, he fathers the group sometimes intentionally. Often taking control of making food, and sometimes the group meetings, even tho technically he's not in charge. He's an open ear to the entire crew and he loves his two kids so much. He doesn't talk much about how he and his Ex split up but it's clear that he and his kids are happier without her. He Kinda likes Tea back a little but he's so busy being a good dad that he doesn't know that. He's often found baking for everyone and is in fact the culprit behind the extra five pounds everyone gained when joining the ship. Perry is 32. His family is from India and he visited his extended family there a lot but he was born and raised in the UK.

Blue (Liz which is short for Elizabeth) is not the greatest with people, she tries her best but she often comes off weird she's 51, one of her hobbies is learning and practicing different rules to fighting styles. She’s trying to teach herself taekwondo but the lack of instructor and need to use downloaded videos is holding her back. She's got some skill in boxing and ran a self-defense course back on earth. Her entire class was sad to see her go but the respected her decision and on the off days that the ship gets reception to radio back earth or other ships she makes sure to message them back with well wishes.

Yellow (Zack) is a little shit lord, he is the youngest on crew at age 19. He got in through a series of events up to and including the fact that his parents were exasperated by him and that his Aunt Liz (who he calls Aunt Lizzy) telling them that they were short a crewmate. the previous yellow left and they were having trouble getting a fit for the crew's specific needs, everyone else was on different crews and couldn't leave to fill in their gap. They were planning to leave with nine people when Zack reluctantly signed up. He was 18 at the time he first signed up and after a year of training, he was greenlit just in time for the mission.

He doesn't really get along well with anyone but he slowly opens up to the crew overtime. He got labeled as a problem child because of undiagnosed ADHD and focus problems and by the time he was diagnosed it was too late and all of his teachers had basically given up on him.

The entire crew tho is cool with it because many of them are neurodivergent. Liz and Zack are the other Americans of the crew.  But Elliot is the only one who is not bi/multilingual. Unless you count Texas accent as a language which a many of the crew jokingly do. In which case he is fluent.

But then disaster struck, after a few months of bonding and growing close as a found family people started to die. After some trial and error, they found out that Herbert and Zack were behind it. Liz and Eun-Jung being two of the few remaining both reacted differently Eun-Jung was controlled anger barely keeping it together and Liz was deeply disappointed, she wanted better from her nephew.

What was weird tho was after ejecting the pair their display panels confirmed that they were "imposters" and now that they thought about it it was weird that they were all locked to this one specific floor of this ship. but no matter that was a thought for another day. now able to go to the lower floors the remaining crew mates all went to bed.

The next morning however everyone was back and alive not even a scar remaining, even the imposters. returned. After a lot of shouting (mainly from Elliot who was pissed about being stabbed) the crew started to reluctantly trust what Hubert and Zack were saying that they didn't want to hurt or kill any of them but something made them and it was like they were in a haze.

It was only directly after a kill that they could snap out of it and control themselves briefly (kill cooldown) before they lost control again. Since then they've been stuck in this sick loop where they all keep taking turns being stuck as imposter killing each other. At first when it happened again, they thought it was Herbert and Zack again but once it didn't stop anything and the ship told them that they weren’t imposters.

They realized that it was randomized. Overtime they learned the rules. Only Imposters can access vents, the kill count, that they can then follow around and do things as ghosts after thy get murdered, etcetera. But one thing they didn't realize was the punishments.

Overtime as they each tried to break the rules by, revealing themselves as imposter, trying desperately hard to go pacifist, or any number of other things like trying to remove their helmets, or talk on comms before emergencies on meetings they were punished.

Philip is now growing plants off of himself. Eun-Jung has a similar punishment but it's solely cherry blossoms. Herbert is stuck killing everyone by eating them with a giant mouth from his stomach. I don't know Elliot’s punishment yet but the thought to make him Texan squared did cross my mind.

Angie is turning into one of those rad many-eyed angels from Dante's inferno. Jolene is now growing goat horns and her eyes are now goat-like. And Idk what other punishments to give Tea, Perry, Liz, and Zack, I want them to be related to the hats and stuff you can wear in game like some of the others but how to you punish some one using a banana? Or two kids? Or googles? I’ll probably come up with something later especially since they are all mostly hidden by the suits, that means that conceivably their punishments are hidden by the suits.

[saschagemruler]

Before you delete the message because I know you might think this might be a hate ask- it’s really, genuinly not. I came here to say I’m sorry. (I’m sending this through ask because I feel like maybe dming might be a bit of an overstep- or maybe just weird at this point, if that makes sense)

I don’t think you are a bad person. It’s not like you need my validation or anything- but that’s not my point— I made that post in haste. I saw the desc, and panicked and just wanted to warn other people, and while I’m not apologizing for warning, I am apologizing because I did it in the completely wrong way. There’s no excuse for how aggressive I became, or the tone I made it in. I read your response to it and yeah, you’re right, and I can’t believe I actually became a Notorious Tumblr User in the way I responded. I went to your blog (genuinely, not in a creepy way or like I was trying to get dirt) and I also want to apologize for the added stress I gave you on top of all the other stuff you’re going through. I’m sure you didn’t need that on the day of your test.

I’m going to delete the post I made. You don’t have to respond to this or become chummy with me, but I just want you to know that I’m sorry for the way I acted. And thanks, for pointing that out— I’ll have to fix how this site has made me react to things.

......imma be totally honest here I didn’t even get this ask bc I blocked you the day you made that post. Not out of malice or anything but because I was emotional and didn’t wanna deal with drama.

Before I go into a very long and rambly answer to this full ask:

No hard feelings dude ✌️ we all make mistakes and jump to conclusions, I’m a 16 year old who’s been on the internet since I was like 12-14 and I had this EMBARRASSING argument with someone over something so stupid and honestly that still keeps me up at night. Trust me you ain’t the only one.

Now the rambly part bc I cant help myself:

Again, I never got your ask so when I saw/heard that your post was deleted... I just kinda laughed my ass off. Not at you or anything, but at the situation. You see, one I was very emotional at the time and I was very relieved to not risk getting anon hate. And two, in the last two fandoms I was in, Hazbin (I know it’s controversial, I ain’t forcing anyone to like it) and Vilainous, where the main characters are like... extremely bad people. Which means the type of fanfiction content of severe angst is commonplace, and often sought out! So the whiplash is kinda funny to me because “duh. It’s a kids show and everyone is a good guy/goofy villain! Of course they ain’t gonna be used to me just... casually planning my best course of action to hurt the main characters let alone having me address real and serious issues in my writing”. That’s not an insult to rottmnt fandom btw, different fandoms have different preferences as a whole, rottmnt just happens to be of the kind where most people probably don’t want that type of angst on their dash.

And I can totally understand jumping to conclusions, y’all are probably used to gross stuff being put in the tags and after rereading my summary I got hit with the good ol’ “......shit this gives off the wrong tone”. So I actually thank you for that!

And I unblocked ya not to start up drama but because I was like “eh I don’t really need to block them”

So yeah, that’s all, thanks for the apology! And if you ever do wanna talk about rottmnt or whatever, my askbox and DMs are always open

[coasamt]

Ghost/Roach for the ship headcanon meme 👉👈😳

Holy shit- I didn't think someone would really ask me this 😂😂 But here we go, I guess:

Ship headcanon meme: Simon "Ghost" Riley/Gary "Roach" Sanderson Edition

1. Who makes the first move and how?

Tbh I think Roach would make the first move...but subtly. Like, he knows that Ghost is a bit detached from everyone else and only gives concise response when he's being asked about something. So Roach kinda tried to get to know Ghost first (his feelings are genuine, I swear, he really admires Ghost; kinda why he wants to know about the lieutenant more and apparently it grows into something completely different). Roach would occasionally greet Ghost when they cross each other's path, sometimes he'd sit with Ghost on the mess hall during lunch or dinner (with Ghost's permission ofc).

2. Who is the most insecure and what makes them feel better?

I'd say Ghost is the most insecure? He's not sure whether he's the right someone for Roach because he's afraid he'd be like his damned father–afraid that he'd do nasty things to Roach and all. All he needs is for Roach to be there, either holding his hand or embracing him as Roach tells him that Ghost is not like his father (which is wbk it's true btw). We know Ghost wouldn't talk about his feelings much so Roach would have to kinda pry on it a little. No force though.

3. Who is the most romantic?

Ghost ftw!!! I mean, look!!!! He's super compassionate when it comes to the people he loves! I'm sure as heck he'd try his best to spoil Roach on special occasion, or just giving small gestures like rubbing Roach's arm when the younger's anxious before an op, etc etc. There's too many in my head and I can't write it all here so just come to my DM if you'd like to discuss about this, Anon-san ❤️

4. Who can’t keep their hands to themselves?

I'D SAY BOTH, AHAHA. I MEAN, Ghost likes the feel of Roach's presence and when they're standing or sitting side by side, Ghost would probably give small touches to Roach like gently patting his thigh (no intended meaning, I swear 😂), patting his head, patting his back, and so on–just gentle innocent touch like that when on public; Roach would kinda do same thing dgshhdj bet he'd deliberately brush their fingers or smth and then giggles out of it–he'd also give light pat on Ghost's back as a gesture of "good luck today" every single morning just before they start the PT.

When in private 🌚, wbk their hands would freely roam each other's body. Ghost likes to learn about his partner more, and Roach really admire how Ghost's body is defined (in conclusion: muscles 👀 /SLAPPED).

5. Who says ‘I love you’ first?

Would be Roach, honestly. He's the one who's able to identify what he feels. Ghost is rather uncertain of what he was feeling until Roach say the L word first 😳.

6. Who would they ask if they ever had a threesome?

Ghost and Roach: Threesome? Never heard of that.

(Ofc they know, they just don't like to share 🌚).

7. What do they get up to on a night out?

Either they visit a cafe and talk all night long there until the cafe is about to close, or they visit a local park and just sit there, enjoying the breeze while catching up on things 😳

8. What do they like in bed?

Both like spooning tbh, with our Ghost here as the big spoon. Sometimes, they'd just lie on bed facing each other, staring at each other's face and tell themselves that this is real, that they're here together, that they're alive and loved, and that this is more than enough.

Also, hot make out session 🌚

9. What is the most embarrassing thing they have done in front of each other?

For Roach it would be him slipping on his feet when he's on his way to Ghost and fall face first on the mud after PT just outside the base 😂

For Ghost, it would be him having a slip of tongue when he talks with Roach because his mind is elsewhere. Like when they're in the middle of discussing their next mission in the rec room when Ghost was exhausted and Roach said "don't forget to bring the additional ammo/equipment", Ghost would accidentally say "yeah, I'll bring the pillow" , then fell silent, before the silence was broken by Roach's laughter 😂

10. What two songs, two books and two luxury items do they take to a desert island?

Roach:

Songs: Not Ready to Die - Avenged Sevenfold; M.I.A. - Avenged Sevenfold. These are pretty much his jam.

Books: Would be a book about survival and a book about plants/animal that can be eaten.

Luxury items: his cot and a pair of fresh clothes.

Ghost:

Songs: No Destination - Hoobastank; War - Poets of the Fall. Kinda represents himself and is his comfort songs (probably).

Books: The Life and Adventure of Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe, and a book about survival.

Luxury items: his cot and a compass

As long as it's useful for them, those items are luxurious 👌🏻

11. What do they hide from one another?

I don't think Roach would hide anything; he's pretty much an open book, wouldn't be able to hide something from Ghost anyway. As for Ghost, maybe he'd hide his feelings when he's uncertain about what he feels (if this counted). Other than that, Ghost doesn't have anything to hide from Roach; he doesn't really like to lie to his s/o unless he really has to (for urgent matters).

12. What first changes when it starts getting serious?

It's about the relationship right? I think what changes first would be how both Ghost and Roach even more aware of their fear of losing each other. Military life is full of unexpected deaths, so...that's pretty much it.

13. When do they realise they should get together?

I think it's some time after Loose End event, during their recovery times. And yes, they're alive. No one can tell me otherwise.

14. When one has a cold, what does the other do?

Ghost would tell Roach to just rest on bed, preparing the meds and food, then left him to finish things at the house. If they're on base, Ghost would visit Roach's room to tale him to the med bay before escorting Roach back to his room, then he'd bring his meds and meals.

Roach would pretty much do the same as Ghost. He'd bring Ghost his meals and meds, and leave to finish things around the house before getting back to accompany him.

15. When they watch a film what do they choose and why? Who gets the final vote?

Ghost would choose zombie apocalypse kind of movie (like World War Z) and Roach would choose military action (like Black Hawk Down, etc). They don't really watch romantic/drama/romcom movies unless it really catch their interests. Roach would get the final vote because he's surprisingly good at rock-scissors-paper HAHA

16. When the zombie apocalypse comes, how do they cope together?

Just like how they always do during mission, I guess? They'd professionally cope to find a settlement first, watching each other's back, remain alert and all. Once they find a good settlement for the night, they'd take turn on an overwatch.

17. When they find a time machine, where do they go?

Honestly? They'd go back just before the Loose End mission starts to tell the Ghost and Roach from past to set up a secret plan B and to tell them not to go to the General's chopper.

18. When they fight, how do they make up?

By apologizing tbh. They're not children and mature enough to know where they did wrong and they'd have a talk about that matter like just like how adult supposed to do before apologizing to each other.

19. Where do they go on their first date?

Roach's favorite cake shop 😳😳 Ghost wants to witness how his bug eats his favorite cake...and he'd take picture of it and keep it on his phone dhsjsjdk.

20. Where do they go on holiday?

They'd go and hike a mountain and have a camp night out there, or to a unvisited lake/forest. They like to spend time in nature.

21. Where do they get nervous about going with one another?

This question is really confusing tbh 😭😂 But hopefully I don't answer it wrong:

Roach is quite nervous when he's engrossed in something he found interesting in front of Ghost since he'd go "Ohh!! That's cool!! How could that happen??"–it's like he behaves like a curious child and he's just afraid that Ghost would find that annoying (hint: Roach is just easy to amuse :9).

As for Ghost... I don't think he'd be nervous about himself in front of Roach. He's a confident bastard lmao. If being nervous about how he'd look vulnerable in front of Roach counts, then that's probably it.

22. Where does their first kiss happen?

In the armory, just after they finished cleaning their weapons on a nice evening. This takes time probably a few days after Roach confessed to Ghost and vice versa 😳

23. Where is their favourite place to be together?

Back on the base, their favorite time to be together would be just outside the barracks; it's quiet out there especially on the evening. They like to just be there, standing or sitting next to each other while talking about things.

Outside the base, it would be the local park. At house, their bedroom is just the ultimate favorite place for them to be together 😳

24. Where do they first have sex?

At the base's shower room honestly. Takes a few days after their first kiss, it was after training and they both just happened to be the only ones in the shower room since the others scrambled to their rooms right away aha-

25. Why do they fight?

Usually it's because out of concerns towards each other's safety and well-being, like when Roach did something risky during a mission and vice versa. They don't fight much, but then they do it's because of this kind of thing.

26. Why do they need to have a serious chat?

Because they need to get things straight such as after they're fighting, or to discuss something that would lead their life to a completely different level or to discuss matters regarding their relationship.

27. Why do their friends get annoyed with them?

Because they're such an ass when it comes to PDA AHAHA; sometimes they're purposely being all lovey dovey in front of their teammates just to see their reactions shsjskjd. Another thing that'd make their teammates annoyed is how oblivious they are towards each others' feelings, I think. 141 boys are so supportive towards each other ok.

28. Why do they get jealous?

They don't usually get jealous, but when they do, it's probably because there's this someone that flirts with their either Ghost or Roach and this someone has crossed the line by either touching their s/o or whatnot,,,, That's when they'd step in.

29. Why do they fall a little bit more in love?

Honesty it's because how attentive and caring they are towards each other...like they just love the fact that their s/o really does care about them. Kinda "action speaks louder than words" thing here. Also, how could they not fall a little bit more in love when every little thing always remind them of their partners 😳

30. Why does it work (or not work) between them?

I believe it works between them because of how they are truly understanding towards each other....and because of how patience Roach is when he has to deal with Ghost's fears and insecurities. They both take it slow, enjoying the ride, not rushing things out. Believe it or not they're that kind of couple who have quite a good communication between them despite how bumpy their road is. (aight what am i talking abt???) They always manage to talk things out and sort things straight (gay) between them.

OK Y'ALL IM DONE. Hopefully this doesn't seem OOC :( Sorry if this turns out super long 😂 Thanks for the ask, dear Anon!

[haikyupid]

Order from Lunatrix B,

Hey there! First of all THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA! I can only imagine the time and dedication it took you to think this through and make the orders! (Also I am lowkey so shy doing it off anon like AAAAH) May I please order a Dalgona Matchup Latte? (If it's possible to go with more than one drink then it would be nice to have the Strawberry hearts frappineccino as well!)

So I am an ENFP capricorn and my enneagram is 7w8! My behaviour with other really depends on my mood and on their personalities so other's image of me goes from "wow she is so friendly" to "wtf she is so conceited and manipulative". But most of the time people describe me as crazy, outgoing and bubbly! Since my height is on the shorter side and my cheeks are always red and freckly, I look younger and more innocent than I actually am.

I'm adaptable, super spontaneous and hate overthinking stuff. Also I am shortsighted lol but I don't really like wearing my glasses in public, they make me look so serious and studious when LOL no. I don't really care now but when I was younger I hated the 'honor student' label it gave me. I am a TROLL, super sarcastic and my sense of humor is hard to understand for some people since it's super ironic and kinda dark sometimes.

I have many hobbies and love learning new skills but the most important ones to me are definitely drawing/painting, cooking/baking, piano, reading, acting, swimming, travelling and learning new languages (I am fluent in 5 and learning 2 more). I used to be super passionate about martial arts and reached a black belt but had to stop due to health issues 😭. I'm ambitious, mischievious and cunning. I laugh super easily and smile a lot! I laugh at really inapropriate times, and since I don't cry easily my friends and family call me insensitive oupsii.

I have a super flirty personality but since I do it unknowingly or ironically sometimes, when people take it seriously I freak out and run away. I am hella oblivious to people flirting with me though like even if I notice I go nah there is no way they are serious, so when cute guys confront me about it and say it straight out all my confidence crumbles I BECOME SO SHY and speak in tiny font (and deny it like haha wow you're funny).

 I am really honest about my 'positive feelings', like I compliment people a lot and am the type of person to text others saying that I am happy to have them in my life, that I had a great time hanging out, etc. But I SUCK with my negative feelings?! Like I just ignore them and never voice them out. Friends and family sometimes blame me saying that since I never confide they feel like I put a wall between us and that our relationship is kinda unequal since they tell me everything (I am a really good listener) but I really don't do it on purpose... I kind of feel obligated to be the 'strong' one who does not really feel anything...

I am sorry this is so long, thank you for taking the time to read it! Good luck for all your other orders i'm sute you'll do great!)

Thanks a lot for sending in your order here at Kyupid's Love Shop. One Dalgona Matchup Latte coming right up!....... where’d the side effec— oh, here it is! I matcha with ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

➞ this relationship thrives on the fact that you’ll both feel like you’re on top of the world when together; but honestly though, boring is not a part of this couple’s vocabulary like whew— (lemme be a part of this, ples, like i’ll third wheel)

➞ don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean that you and nishi are immature (it’s actually quite the contrary) it’s just that you both don’t feel that societal pressure that most do, you’re both just so free and that’s not something the majority of the population can afford

➞ so to say that you’re both beyond lucky to have found each other is a huge understatement; this be the type of relationship that iconic romance anime movies are based off on 

➞ nishi will be the first one to make a move for sure, like bby did not even hesitate for a second — i want it, i’m gonna try to get it typa man

➞ it won’t even matter if you push him away or if he has to court you for a year or so, he’ll only stop if you actually say that you’re not interested but i mean WHO in the world would reject him?! 

➞ your looks will definitely remind him of a tropical paradise he’s visited, which is what he feels whenever he’s around you, so best believe this man won’t let his walking paradise go; he’ll probably also call you his lil’ firework

➞ he values the fact that you both can view the world the same, but if there’s a difference in your viewpoints, it doesn’t lead to arguments like most do, but instead having each side doing their best to understand one another — nishi is the type to be very open-minded and always fights for what’s right, i also get that vibe from you

➞ nishi is up for anything; so when he found out about your abundance of hobbies, he will bombard you with questions about them, your advice to get the hang of them, and always asking if he’s doing them right 

“look babe, i tried to draw something for you!”

“aww, yuu, this cow looks so cute.” 

“.......”

“...it’s a baby bear, but thank you so much, baby, it’s definitely an improvement from the last one. i love you!”

➞ he has a very innocent type of humour... maybe sometimes perverted, but that’s not the point— so if he does find one of your jokes to be too dark, he will ask if you’re okay, but he definitely won’t be like ‘wtf is wrong with this betch?’

➞ you two would always be traveling whenever your schedules allow you two; and you guys would always be learning something new! surfing, atv riding, bungee jumping, hunting, fishing (durh), learning some catch phrases in the place’s native language, cooking their national dishes, and so so much more

➞ with nishi, there’s never a time where you’ll be bored, everything will just be perfect when you’re with him; literally you’ll both be the couple who probably doesn’t even plan their days unless it’s like something so important

➞ ‘there are some flowers you only see when you take detours’ type of life motto/vibes

➞ oh, and you always complimenting him and telling him how much he means to you? mans could die from to much heart palpitations... uwu, just pure uwus

➞ he’s not very romantic all the time, so most of the compliments he’ll be giving you will be like:

“baby, you’re way cuter than this. you’re the most beautiful person i’ve ever laid my eyes on. you’re perfect!”

“...but you’re holding a fish i— y’know what, thank you... now can you throw it back in the water, please?”

➞ loves, and when i say loves i really mean it, when you wear your glasses, but he definitely will be cheeky and say, ‘oh, sorry, i didn’t know this was the library. i was looking for my very beautiful girlfriend... oh, that’s you? well you look a lil’ too gorgeous to be her’ but foreal, pls wear you glasses more often, he literally melts when you do

➞ he’s always telling you that he loves you; and when he’s in another country, expect photos and vids from him that look like those tinder fish-boys (idek if this’ll make sense to you) but he has the most beautiful smile a man could ever have and such a sincere paragraph of how much he misses and loves you to follow along with it, that it doesn’t even matter anymore that he looks like a dad

➞ a relationship that make the people around you, whether they’re strangers or not, go ‘they’re the main characters’ — to them you two were in your own beautiful world, and no one would ever dare to interfere with a love so magical and true

Kyupid hopes that you enjoyed your Dalgona Matchup Latte! Here’s the view from the top of the world with your out-of-this-world relationship with Nishinoya Yuu: he always does things that end up turning you as red as a tomato, but he doesn’t even intend to, mans is just naturally smooth... so you either malfunction or just straight up push him away; when he wants you to listen to his 3 AM thoughts/honestly just some weird shet he probably does all the time with you; when he tries to make you talk about how you’re feeling when he knows your ‘i’m fine’ reply is a straight up lie; and when he finally comes back from one of his trips around the world, just wanting you to be safe in his arms again.

Thanks very much for ordering — Kyupid hopes to see your cuteself again at the shop in the future! Have a magic-filled day ⁀➷

an: henlo, i hope you didn’t mind too much that i bombarded your dm’s with questions 😅 thank you so much for being patient with me!

i didn’t know what to do about the url thing, so this was what i resorted to in a short amount of time, i hope that’s okay with you. i almost lost your submission twice, huhu. also, is the gif working??? tumblr’s being a bitch again, so idk if it’s working and i’m freakin out.

btw, now i can’t stop being jelly over this ship like— this is too cute and i feel like this kind of relationship only exists in movies 😔

[tr4ggot]

(personal rambling below about my transition btw, scroll if you’re uncomfortable with discussions about dysphoria, etc.)

i made a thread about this on twitter but i wanted to post something here too because i have mostly trans followers on this account whereas my priv twitter is mostly my close friends and they’re mostly cis, and i wanted to see if maybe someone was in the same place as me concerning building a family as a trans guy.

i was thinking tonight about my transition and where i am dysphoria-wise and i really don’t feel like it’s an issue for me anymore. there’s been very, very few times in the last year since i had top surgery where i felt dysphoric, and they were mostly immediately post-op when i still had to wear the surgical vest because it reminded me so much of a binder. like i was SO afraid that my chest dysphoria would turn into bottom dysphoria after surgery and it hasn’t! which is great! it wasn’t as strong as my chest dysphoria was to begin with, but also, when i started t, all the dysphoria i had about my voice and face and shape all seemingly transferred to my chest dysphoria and made it 10x worse. i think i’m at a point where the only time i’m really bothered by what i have is when i’m in a public restroom and i have to use the stall to pee, but that could be solved if i got an stp (don’t know if that would make it worse though since it emphasizes what i don’t have but that’s for another day). i don’t say this to brag or anything, i’m just giving context as to why my thoughts on having a family have changed over the last few years.

i was thinking about how much i wanted to have a family when i’m older and how i’ve envisioned myself doing that over the years. like when i was little, i never saw myself as anything like my mother if i was going to be a parent, just that i wanted children. at the beginning of my transition, especially pre t and pre top surgery, that kinda shifted into ‘i obviously will never have children biologically so i need to think about adoption or surrogacy or a sperm donor if i end up marrying someone comfortable with carrying a child’ and like that was all well and good, all families are family regardless of blood, but it also felt really limiting for me, especially given how expensive all of those processes are. my family is not well-off (i currently live with my parents and grandparents in one house) and the only money i will ever inherit comes from (the other) grandparents, but i was always planning on using that for a house or kids college funds or paying off student debt. it always really depressed me to think of how much time would be spent and debt i’d have to go in to even conceive a child. idk, it just made me upset that some people have it so easy having kids and i just felt like that door was closed for me.

the reason i’m writing this is that since having top surgery and being on t for close to 2.5 years, i’ve been able to think about my future in a more nuanced way than before. pre t and pre top surgery, the thought of carrying a child make me genuinely suicidal. like i would rather have jumped off a giant bridge than even put myself in that hypothetical situation because it made me so dysphoric. when i was a hardcore, hardline transmed, i used to be so confused and upset by trans guys who chose to carry children. i would be so baffled by their decision, because it felt like, in my dysphoria-clouded view, that it would be so invalidating to that person that they couldn’t possibly be actually trans if they chose to put themselves through that. like, i couldn’t comprehend a world in which someone would actively seek out pregnancy as a guy. i guess it’s a testament to the wonders of transitioning in regards to treating dysphoria because i can genuinely picture myself taking that route now.

i mean obviously, this is a still a hyper-hypothetical situation. i am not even close to having kids. not even slightly. i am afraid of the washing machine and i ask my dad to kill any spiders in my room. i was watching this docuseries on netflix about this hospital in new york and they were showing these couples having their children in the ob/gyn ward and i was so struck by how i wasn’t just repelled by that anymore. it makes me think that, in the future, if i end up with a man or someone else that can produce sperm, or if i end up with a woman who doesn’t want to carry children, i really wouldn’t feel like carrying my own kid is totally off the table. i know that this is something that would make me freak out if i heard this as the past version of me, and i’d likely question my own manliness for even considering it, but i really think i could do it. i mean, obviously, i don’t doubt that i’d be really dysphoric during and i have no idea how i’d begin to explain it to any coworkers i might have, but idk. i really, really want children in the future and to be a fucking awesome dad and i think that if it means carrying my kids, i could probably do it. i like how people call them ‘seahorse dads’ too.

it feels like such a foreign idea to me right now because i was always planning on getting a hysterectomy and bottom surgery, but i don’t feel that sense of urgency like i did with top surgery. after i started t, it was like ‘how fast can i get top surgery now’ so i always thought it would be that way with a hysto after i got top surgery, but it really hasn’t. i’m really, really hesitant to get a hysto now that i don’t feel so disgusted by the idea of carrying kids. i’m glad i don’t have that same weight of dysphoria, obviously, but this just also opens up more concerns for me in the future. idk. i’m tired. i had an epiphany earlier and i felt like i needed to share it somewhere and maybe talk about it with another trans guy who might feel the same way.

thanks if you’ve read this whole thing, and if you’re also in a similar mindset, i’d really love to talk about it (you can reblog this with a comment or send me a dm or an anonymous ask if you don’t want to talk about it publicly, that’s cool too, i just want to know i’m not crazy)