#if we used to be mutuals but for some reason we’re not anymore idc

[bikerfaggot]

someone who has never been on my blog before just rbed my post that says only mutuals can rb ON THE POST and i understand that i used tags for tdov but u can support ppl who are uncomfortable w their faces being on randos blogs by just liking their posts!!!!

this has happened on my other posts w my face so anyways if we are not mutuals n u rb my new post i’m blocking u 😳

[florianwirtz]

The list is done!!! My judgement of my mutual’s taste in footballers. Here you can find the graphic version with my mutuals as their tumblr icons. If you’re my mutual and you’re not on the list, it’s not because I don’t like you, it’s more because I don’t know who you all fancy.

Under the cut you can find the explanation of my placements!! Pardon for the format, I did it on the phone and somehow screwed the average tier up but it ain’t that important cause no one placed there lmao. Lastly, I wanna clarify that all of this is just for fun, stop taking me or tumblr so seriously lmao.

Shit tier

@theweatha I don’t even know where to start with you. I will never process that you would do Sergio Ramos (maybe I can accept it at some point but not rn). Then we come to the other asshole named Roy Keane, while being a brilliant midfielder for us I will never understand why you would give him a 2nd look if we’re talkin about appearance and let’s not start talking about his character (although he’s a mood whenever he’s pissed for the right reasons). I don’t feel like starting with Nemanja Vidić as I have the feeling we will never come to an agreement. Not even Marcus Rashford can save you from shit tier, who is a very valid reason to nut to. I also didn’t forget you nutting to Trench (idc that you don’t anymore you still did and what a disgrace)

@emwritesfootball just no... every time you start talkin about why you fancy Cags, my opinion about your taste in men gets worse. Then I think about the other footballers you fancy and it doesn’t get any better, although Winksy is a valid one... he still doesn’t get you out of shit tier. But from someone who tries to me set me up with HARVEY BARNES I don’t expect any better tbh...

Very bad tier

@tottenhamsstuff i am sorry but how tf do you expect me to place you any higher when your crushes in footballers consists of an egghead, blonde Ron Weasley and the tiger from Ice Age? What saves you from shit tier is Gazzaniga who objectively is a handsome man and the fact that I’m biased because Scott plays for my team and your men at least seem to have a bit of a brain.

@shockintha you know I thought about this very carefully and realised that I can’t afford to make you cry and shit tier wouldn’t be fair to you because you do fancy some valid ones just as Brooksy and Sander Berge. Then you have DCL, Chilly and a few more who make it into average tier but Stewart Downing and the mop absolutely drag you down. Like for me it’s inexplainable how you can spare them a 2nd look, the way they look and act make me sick!! And the fact you don’t show one bit of shame pfffff. Very bad tier seems legit for me.

Debatable tier

@dancefaeries you truly are a white man’s whore and it’s disappointing because you had potential to make it to average tier but I came to the conclusion that Todd, Daniel Agger and Diet drag your ranking down. What makes you rank higher than Alice (aka. the only thing you care about) is that the men you fancy are all somewhat smart and almost all seem to have good political views. Also that others seem to fancy them too and it’s probably just me. Nevertheless, somebody explain me what makes you endear snakes so much.

@idiotsfc you’re lucky I love you and after you tried to explain to me why you fancy some of these men, I understand it a tiny bit 😂. Still, James Milner and Stevie G???? No. I definitely can understand what you see in Carra and Gary however it’s still borderline debatable. Characterically, they all seem quite intelligent and somewhat funny tho so I’ll give you that. What makes you place in debatable tier is that you fancy a few of the “normal” ones just as Chilly.

Not bad tier

@magicmartinelli I don’t even know who you fancy rn cause it changes faster than the tide but the ones you mentioned were all valid tho not my type most of the time. Except the last one. Out of respect for you, I’m not gonna say names because I know you’d come for my ass if I did lmaooo

@ari-lfc i only know you fancy scousers and it’s a big nono for me. The unfortunate thing is they’re not even bad looking so I can’t place you lower but I don’t think they’re handsome either so above average tier seems legit 🤣

Great tier

@danieljamesmufc you’re the only one i trust when it comes to taste in men because it seems like it’s us against everyone with awful taste. I think most of the men you allow yourself to fancy are valid choices. What makes you miss out on god tier is the one you rep looks like a fucking child and the american who talks like he’s about to order mcdonalds every day. Your taste in women is fortunately much superior.

@rxdia i trust you very much when it comes to taste in men because they’re all valid most of the time!! Your taste is exceptionally great and the fact that you were able to drop Matić after he was an ass, just showed how superior you are anyway 💫 you miss out on god tier because you told me that you fancy Owen Hargreaves and you’d do Nemanja Vidić and what the fuck why would you betray me like this.

@daviddegod again, I can’t say too many bad things about you taste in men after you dropped Maddison. While they’re all basic white boys mostly of the time, I feel and understand you. The ones who are a but questionable are Martin Ødegaard and Matthijs de Ligt because they just scream twink energy to me but okay I can ignore this. You didn’t make it to god tier because of Jonny Evans and Darren Fletcher, I can’t believe you made me even look at them and tried to convince me to see something in them.

God tier

@trentalexanders although you change your crush all 3 months, I never had any issue with yours 😂 they were all somewhat cute and I definitely understood why you would fancy them. I totally approve of your choice in men. Even though I wouldn’t choose them myself haha. But at least you never had a questionable one.

@ehrenbrandt basically we always fancy the same footballers and you know what good for us. Your choice in footballers is great although I will always judge you for that one ex bayern player who shall not be named and Marco Reus 😂

[vergilboyfriend]

You should do all of them questions and 90 is true

I love you!!!!

1. Favorite instrument?

I work at a music store u can’t just ask me this. When my coworkers play it’s the saxophone or the flute, when the boys in the repair shop are testing repairs and they harmonize with each other or try to outplay one another it’s the bassoon or the trombone or whatever they’re fixing at the moment. When I hear 🎺 give his lesson on Wednesday afternoons it’s the trumpet, and when I think about middle school it’s the clarinet, the flute, the French horn. When I hear the nutcracker pas des deux is the oboe and when I hear edith piaf l’accordeoniste it’s the remarkable human voice. Really my favorite instrument is all of them, it just depends.

2. Favorite fic trope? Mutual pining 🥺

3. Sport you played for the longest amount of time? LMAO I wasn’t a sporty kid but I did ballet

4. Shoe size? 10-11

5. Most recent (good) dream? Uhh I had a dream last night about my coworker 🎹 it wasn’t bad though I can’t really remember what it was about

6. Last person in your DMs? smugg

7. Can you do a handstand? Nooo nooo lmaoo nooooo

8. Unpopular food opinion I don’t like oranges or red meat

9. Conspiracy you believe in? There’s some kind of weird weather dome in my hometown around the military base that makes most storms pass around us

10. Is your hair its natural color/style? Most of it is I dyed the bottom layer of my hair tho so it’s blonde rn

11. state a useless fact all that’s coming to mind is outright lies rn hold on. The inventor of pringles is buried in a pringles can that’s so fucking nasty omg

12. most interesting gossip you’ve heard? Idk I don’t really care for gossip uhhhh have u heard tho rin dippindogs is a huge gay hah she uhh she like men AND women lmao gaaay gaaaay

13. Middle name? Carolyn

14. Sexuality? Bisexual

15. Amount of sleep you got last night? Idk actually I think like 9-10 hrs tho I slept in until 11

16. Opinion on ice cream cake? Tasty!!!

17. Opinion on (cup)cake frosting? It’s depends buttercream is usually too sweet for me in large amounts so I prefer whipped cream frosting

18. Last board game you played? Idk??? We played hunt a killer tho last Thursday me n my family I guess that counts kinda

19. Project you want to start? I need ideas first baby

20. Project you’re working on right now? HAHAHAHAHAHA

21. TV show you’re watching? nothing rn I just rewatch bojack a lot if I watch anything

22. Last movie you watched? Lego batman I think

23. Ever left anon hate? Not legit hate

24. Ever left anon love? Yes all the time. Sometimes to strangers it’s my favorite thing to do

25. Best Disney movie? The princess and the frog

26. Best Pixar movie? Soul or Up I can’t decide

27. Best Star Wars? Um. Empire strikes back

28. Last thing you consumed? Fuit gumy

29. NoTP? Idk I don’t really hate ships unless they’re gross like pedophilic gross

30. story behind your (nick)name? When I was a fetus my great grandfather had a dream that my name should be Carolyn Marie but my parents were huge dweebs so they named me Marina after the actress of Deanna Troi in Star Trek. Idk about my nickname ive just always been Rina/Rin as long as I can remember

31. ice cream order? Lately it’s lemon sorbetto I know it’s SO high in sugar but I love it

32. describe your blog in <5 words I love you

33. how many blogs do you follow? 436

34. Describe your voice it depends usually I sound like a sick child but my customer service voice is really pleasant

35. Describe your smile it’s cute :)

36. What is the place you live known for? LMAOOO LMAO we have a military base nearby and like. I could go on abt that one but also like. There’s a lot of gang violence and a lot of the other consequences of poverty. People from the cities around us see us as “””ghetto””” or violent but it’s just. It’s more than that it’s always more than that. And idk what else there’s nothing really particularly special about this town except that we’re all here and not anywhere else

37. What is the place you’re originally from known for? (if they’re different)

38. pronouns? she/any idc

39. Languages you speak? English

40. first friend you made through tumblr? Idk. I probably don’t talk to them anymore :(

41. Person on tumblr you know in real life? my brother

42. First dog breed you think of shih tzu I have 2 next to me rn

43. room wall color? Purble!!!! The paint color is called grape juice that’s why I picked it!!!

44. Song that’s stuck in your head right now? It’s tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that’s right on time it’s trickyyyyy

45. Favorite number? 5, 34

46. Color you associate with your name? Red

47. Favorite jolly rancher flavor?watermelon

48. Pets? 2 dogs rocket and groot and 4 cats loki danni who r from the same litter and we raised from kittens, miss kitty who we adopted from a shelter after my boy blue moon passed away and ben (his real name is Kylo Ren thanks to my mom but I refuse to call him that) he is my little baby and he has 7 toes on his front paws

49. Collections? Hot wheels

50. Character outside of your fandom you’d marry? Girl what lmaooo idk

51. Character outside of your fandom you’d kill? That’s mean :(

52. Have you met any celebrities? NO thank god id have to kill on sight

53. Favorite time period in history? Itslian Renaissance & Romantic Era

54. What time is it right now? 2:35 am oops

55. History or future? Future but like . A good one. Or prehistory

56. Space or ocean? Space

57. Fears? Abandonment

58. Command + v and post. It’s this list of questions u don’t want that

59. Favorite season? Spring

60. Describe your aesthetic. Messy just a mess, neon and old buildings and things, antiques, countryside if there weren’t so many trump pence flags still lmaoo give uppp give up, nature just al of nature and space and places humans can’t touch and places they used to touch but can’t anymore

61. MBTI? Infp but I haven’t taken it in a few years

62. What’s your relationship with your family like? Normal.

63. “Biggest fan” in your tumblr activity? I’m in mobile hold on acc to tumblr it’s akky

64. Favorite musical? Sweeney todd

65. Comfort book? Idk how to read 💔💔💔 wuthering heights tho

66. Comfort movie? Whisper of the heart

67. OTP? Girl idk

68. BroTP? Joey and Tristan yugioh

69. AUs or canon compliant? Canon ig idk

70. Opinion on the person who’s sending the ask? It’s an anon!! But I love them

71. FMK + 3 characters anon didnt leave any characters and I was going to say something very bad but I won’t

72. Dream date? I’ve wanted to do this for a while but ideally it would be after we’d been together a while maybe even engaged or whatever, I wanna go to like a Home Depot or a furniture store and pretend to be married and looking for house paints and furniture and plan what our home is going to look like I wanna do that so bad. But idk for a first/early relationship date i really want to go to the zilker botanical garden it’s one of my favorite places, we could also go to the natural gardener which is a plant nursery in Austin I really love it there too and it’s not that far from zilker.

73. Relationship status? Single

74. Ever dyed your hair? Do you plan to? Yes and perhaps. Maybe

75. Dream job/career? Idk anymore I used to have big girl goals and I haven’t had any in a while. But when I was younger I wanted to be a game warden

76. Favorite band/singer? Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

77. Something that makes you soft/that you find adorable? My cats

78. The first thing you would do if you won the lottery? Buy a house

79. Are you superstitious? Yes

80. Character you project onto? Shizuku tsukishima

81. Fictional character you’ve had a crush on? Vergil devil may cry. Forever husband

82. Celebrity crush? LMAO

83. Person on here you’d date? my mutuals

84. Person on here you’d marry? 🥺 my mutuals

85. Person on here you’d throw into the void? Smugg

86. Other social media you have? I’ve got a photography insta that I barely use and a Twitter that’s just nintendo switch screenies that’s it

87. Finish the sentence: Due to personal reasons, ___________i will be passing away

88. Bad habit? I find it rlly hard to say no or like to say when and why I’m upset I don’t feel like for the latter I don’t feel like I should bring something that’s upsetting me up because I know I’ll get over it on my own and I don’t really trust myself to be upset about rational things. Idk I’m working on it

89. Three things you like about yourself? I’m hot, I’m kind, I’m resilient

90. Ily and you deserve the world I love you!!!!! YOU deserve it too!!!

[shultzing]

7/29/2018: did i already say how much of an angel this guy is

8/13/2018: i’m so mad that i’m dating someone so much cuter than me. i never intended for this to happen. my type is usually men who are just above average looking, which I was happy with. now, i have to constantly think about how i look bc I know everyone around us has GOT to be thinking like, wtf is that beautiful man doing w/ that scrubby looking twig in the ancient clothes?? and like... he HAS to know. idc so much if other people are wondering how i got w/ him as long as HE isn’t like... damn, i could be doing so much better... anyways kill me, he is too fucking handsome and this birth control is making my skin break out really bad.

8/22/2018: this whole thing about being in a casual relationship is weird and tbh i’m less and less a fan. maybe i need to grow tf up but like, here’s an example. I’m going to a show friday night that’s literally 5 minutes from his house, and i know he’s free friday, and yet i won’t invite him bc i don’t want to see him there bc i don’t want him to be part of my local music world bc then he’ll mean that much more to me and it will be that much harder to feel and act casual. so that feels shitty. and like, i could totally skip the show and just go hang out w/ him, but I know he’s not planning his life around me, so I don’t want to get myself into a frame of mind where i’m sacrificing my stuff to be w/ him, so i make a point to not plan around him and not cancel plans for him. But getting to a point where i actively don’t want him to come to things w/ me is like some kind of accomplishment but also feels like a battle i don’t want to win? like i’m getting too good at it. at first i was like... struggling w/ it and he could probably tell? esp by how much i texted him and what kinds of texts i sent. but now i’m like, i’ve got a handle on it. i’m good. and it makes me sad. like what is the point of a casual relationship? what’s the point of a relationship you barely care about?

8/26/2018: conflict resolution like bosses >:) i know it’s just a beginning but we didn’t ever even get to a point of real conflict, although we were both approaching the subject at hand from wildly different perspectives and pretty high stakes. no insults or even criticisms, just explaining ourselves, being honest, and both quick to apologize. He definitely gets flustered and then gets a lot less precise about what he’s saying but then he’ll circle back to it when he’s had a minute to process/calm down and can fix whatever he mis-explained previously. It’s good to be back to good. 

8/28/2018: first use of a pet name: drunk text -- “Goodnight cutie. Sweet dreams and I’ll talk to you tomorrow <3″

8/31/2018: the way he reacted when i got suddenly skittish/stressed out was a startling moment in a really good way. He stayed so calm/supportive/reassuring. Who knew that was possible? 

9/1/2018: i think we’re becoming friends :’) meeting someone on a dating app, everything is backward bc the romance and skin comes before the friendship/knowing the person/etc so whenever we hang out for long enough to have time to get into decently long conversations and learn about each other or fight over whether william carlos williams is a good poet or not... it’s nice, and more special. Like, oh! that’s who you are?

9/8/2018: the way that relationships evolve is strange. like, a couple of weeks ago, just getting a text from M or not getting a text from him could change my mood and ability to focus so much bc everything was so new and uncertain and both exciting and stressful. now it’s okay either way. we’ve been dating for a little more than 2 months and things are getting to be sort of familiar and comfortable and less of a constant heart attack. the newness is still strange, there’s always some surprise. The other night he came over w/ his hair down and I was like ???? since when do you have hair like a young eddie vedder?? what is this?? but he was just like... yeah, that’s how it is right after i shower. i had no idea. it’s nice to literally get to watch someone slowly learn to trust you. he doesn’t act shy but it’s also easy to tell that he always has his walls up, I definitely have never seen them down yet, and that is okay. but the more comfortable he gets, the warmer he gets, and that’s really sweet. i’m frequently surprised by how competent of a person he is. he goes to the gym, he eats healthy, he’s a good boss, he’s a good student, he’s a good dog-parent etc. he asks questions like, “reading anything good lately?” and also corrected me instantly when I said KDC died in 93. he communicates clearly/gently/honestly. i’m getting to know some of his flaws, too. anyways i was out w/ a friend (allison c.) last night and we were talking about how shitty men are. i told her that the reason i’m w/ M is mainly just to get a chance to date someone who seems like he can prove that men can actually be really good. told her a story about how M reacted whenever i was having a bad moment and she was like, “I literally have goosebumps rn.” it was cute. reminded me not to take him for granted while he’s in my life. hope i’m not.

9/11/2018: M’s coming over tomorrow and i can’t waittttt. We try to see each other twice a week but sometimes it doesn’t happen and then it feels like forever. But now it’s less than 24 hours until i can hold his hands and kiss his face and i’m so ready.

9/13/2018: If this relationship is going to stick for a while... i can’t wait for the stage to come where i actually know him well enough that i’m not always overanalyzing/overreacting to every little cue. like there’s so much i don’t know that i can learn little things and be like WAIT WHAT? and get really stressed about it and i can’t wait for that to be over. how long til there’s an underlying level of trust/knowledge/comfort? 

9/23/2018: Okay so for the most part this relationship is starting to feel normal. It still doesn’t always feel real just because he is so segregated from the rest of my life. No mutual friends. no school to share, no work to share, no volunteering or show circuit. No one else has met him or even really knows what he looks like bc of a lack of recent pictures. I’m slowly getting more confident and comfortable within it, even though i do still second guess myself a lot more than i usually do. I guess i’m used to being fussed over and spoiled. But this isn’t like that at all. We’re both a) adults and b) busy and c) on opposite sides of the city and he’s still pretty reserved so I know I’m like, low-ish on his priorities list. Like i’m ON the list, but somewhere beneath going to the gym and getting a haircut, and about 10 miles below his dog. It’s fine, it’s only been like 3 months. Less than that. ANYWAY we’ve finally graduated out of the just-casual-relationship category and into the normal relationship category. Or, he said he thought we did a month ago, but I didn’t realize that’s what he was saying. So now I can stop filtering everything I say and do through that ever-present, “is this too serious?” lens and just do what makes sense/comes naturally. or something. I’m super excited about that bc that was getting really tiring and unromantic. 

9/30/2018: Uhhh, we went back into a weird “unlabeled” category where like we’re monogamous but nothing else is defined? Which I think is really lame but I also am trying to be patient and not pressure him and stuff. But I still think it’s silly and juvenile and kind of embarrassing. I mean I know he has his reasons and he needs to work through them on his own and at his own pace but for ME, it’s silly. Anyways. Still feels like there’s so much I don’t know about him or how he works or thinks or feels. But he still is always surprising me by just sheer level of sweetness. I feel like that’s always how I walk away, like, idk that guy but he sure has a kind heart. 

10/4/2018: Ok the back and forth stalling on what we’re even doing and all the associated casual dynamics have kinda killed the romance for me. like it’s cool and all but i’m done obsessing over the relationship and probably won’t be updating this anymore bc i really don’t care and continuing to write about it is just trying to make it a bigger deal to me than it really is.

10/19/2018: Nearly 4 months in and it’s still such a roller coaster, my perspective, optimism/pessimism and level of happiness change like every 48 hours. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of breaking up because we’re too different or because we overworked the dynamics of our relationship too much. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of stepping closer because our good days really are good. I’m always surprised by how complicated every little thing is, questioning where my feelings are coming from and whether i’m either getting carried away on good days or paranoid and trust-issues-y on bad days. And there is definitely also a background kind of darkness/heaviness surrounding the fact that the more time goes by, the more i understand that i’m really not even close to being over R. But on Wednesday he and I went to Red Emma’s and then took his dog for a walk and then watched princess bride (both of our favorite childhood movie) and ended up staying up til 5-something in the morning just lying next to each other talking about bullshit. Like it wasn’t staying up all night to work out something serious or anything. I don’t even remember what we were talking about. I remember at some point he started trying to recite post malone lyrics and could not stop laughing for so long. I remember on 9/8 I wrote that i know i’ve never seen him w/ his guard down and i still usually feel like that, but then sometimes lately i think it comes down for a second and it’s always really nice and makes me think it’s worth working/waiting for. It’s understandable that he’d still have a lot of walls up when our relationship has been so rocky and it’s still in the baby stages anyways. I know he must be feeling more and more sure of us bc the way his sister treats me changed distinctly this weekend. Like she was always super nice, but now she treats me like she expects me to be around/expects to and wants to make friends, which is so nice. He’s still incredible when I get triggered. Sometimes I just suddenly can’t anymore and he’s never even hinted at the slightest inkling of being frustrated by that. 

11/4/2018: “do you love me?” “yes. i do love you. its been screaming in my head to say it every time I look at you.” “then why didn’t you get me a seltzer water?” 

11/30/2018: “I’m breaking up with you, and I want to marry you, and I love you.”

---

update: this is going to be a running/updated post for all bullshit things i think about M but should be telling no one and should absolutely not be posting on the internet. 

[ramen-noodle-avery]

Can I have a Zach imagine where him and the reader are dating and she sees all the drama about him and his exes so when fans start asking she’s like idc his exes are exes for reasons and they need to chill out with the rumors?

Ahh sorry I’m late! I’ve been studying for exams 😭 anyway, I hope you like it! ❤️

You continue to scroll through the different fan posts dedicated to you and your boyfriend, Zach. You laugh at some edits and like some pictures.

“What’s so funny?” Zach emerges from his room and sits next to you on the couch. He gives you a kiss on the cheek with a smile.

“Your fans are so cute.” You like another post and show him.

“They seem to love you as much as I do.” You nudge him and lean in for a kiss.

“I love you too.” You continue to scroll until you come across Zach and another girl.

“Who’s this?” He looks down at your phone and takes it to get a closer look.

“That’s my ex.”

“Oh.” You can’t think of anything else to say. You and Zach both agreed to leave past relationships in the past for the sake of your current one so seeing fans still posting about her makes you uneasy.

“(Y/N), I don’t talk to her anymore. You know I love you.” You nod and he hands you back your phone.

“I know, I know.” He kisses you on the cheek again in reassurance causing you to smile.

>>

“Ask us questions, we’re bored!” You and Zach decided to go live and let fans ask questions to at least kill time before dinner.

“Come to Brazil.” Zach reads off and laughs.

“That’s not a question but I’d love to come to Brazil!” You both look down at the comment section to read questions from fans.

“How long have you and (Y/N) been dating?” You read off and look at Zach.

“10 months, I believe? It feels like we’ve together longer.” Zach smiles at you and agrees.

“When did you realize you liked each other?”

“Well, we’ve been friends for a long time so I guess the feeling has always been there.” You agree with Zach and look down for another question.

“If you’ve always liked each other then why did you-“ Zach stops reading out loud and stops.

“Okay, guys, chill.” Comments continue to rush in and soon, comments about his ex start rushing in again.

‘You two were so happy why did you break up with her?’

‘Zach, go back to her! You guys were so cute!’

“Guys, stop, we’re not together anymore.” You continue to read the comments and start to feel upset. Zach notices your mood change and slides his hand around your waist.

“I love (Y/N), guys! Exes are exes! They are meant to stay in the past. We didn’t work out and we mutually broke up because she knew and understood that I had feelings for (Y/N).” He looks at you with a smile then back to the camera.

“If you guys are true supportive fans then you’d respect how I feel about (Y/N).” You nod and lean into Zach.

“We won’t be breaking up anytime soon.” You smile at each other and he gives you another kiss on the cheek.

“Moving on, waffles or pancakes?” You and Zach look at each other then look to the screen.

“Waffles!”

[lysitheaioandeuropa]

ALL THE MYTHOLOGY ASK BINCH

i can’t believe this is from a month ago lol

Anubis: How do you feel about death?- I’m not quite sure you know. i don’t think anything happens after, which makes being suicidal all the time a little easier. i just feel like everything stops. like you literally just go to sleep forever, at least one would hope. losing people though it really fucking sucks and is rly hard trauma to come to terms w.

Atum: What are your greatest imperfections?- I’m a fat obese binch w no fucking self control, next

Bastet: Do you have any cats?- no bc I’m deathly allergic, but i wish i could

Hathor: What brings you joy?- lmao at my old answer for this. sandy, I love her so so so much. she licked my tears away today which I know may seem gross but was p therapeutic and it helped and then i napped. i need to finish her emotional support registration bc i can’t imagine my life without her now

Horus: What is one thing you’ve had to fight for in your life?- every single fucking thing. i had to fight to go to college, fight to move out, fight to be treated like an equal to my peers, fight for simple material shit like a car and comfortable enough place. fight and work for love so so so hard. i wish i had just ONE (1)! thing come easy to me. i was kinda bright growing up but that’s about it?

Osiris: Do you believe in the underworld?- i do ship hades and persephone all the fucking way, have that pomegranate and get ya mans girl rule that underworld and be the best mom cerberus will ever know

Ra: Do you have any major responsibilities or importance?- just to pay my bills on time and not die or starve. show up to work every day, and take rly rly rly rly good care of my dog, i spoil her i know i do and i know it’s bad but i need it and you can tell she didn’t come from a god home before so she deserves it

Thoth: Do you like to read/write?- i love it, i really genuinely do. i just don’t have that kind of energy anymore THOUGH the few times i do it’s so fuckin therapeutic and i feel brand new

Arawn: What is the most terrifying thing you’ve ever done?- i guess pick up and move across the state on my own, TWICE. falling in love w my gf is a close second, as is my relationship before that bc i was fucking terrified both times. first was fear of the unknown and fear of something so new, and now was.. fear of the same, as well as.. fear of being uncomfortable, fear of starting over.. and not just my love life but every other aspect of my life as well. it felt like i picked up and threw out the whole (previous) relationship. not in an “idc” sense, but i couldn’t bear to be in same apt, the same job, the same spaces whatsoever. it was terrifying to keep living afterward. everything else ive done has just been shit i thought i had to do to get by. not confront abusers, work hard for literally ANYTHING i wanted, etc. sidenote, i also went through a rly bad reckless behavior bpd phase and some of the things i did were very unlike me and  slightly terrifying in retrospect. i feel like it was me trying to take control of something, ANYTHING, but still didn’t work.

Bran: How is your health?- physically, shit; mentally, shit. lmao. i can confidently say i am working on both though

Brighid: Tell us about your relationship with your father.- it has had its fair share of ups and downs. my father raised me as a single dad and he was great at it. i had birthday parties, i had the books, shoes, toys i wanted - even if it meant waiting a little more than everyone else bc my dad worked hard and only made so much for us both. my dad having to do all that came totally left field for him i imagine and he fucking rose to the occasion. somewhere down the line he did begin to resent my mother and i when she wandered back around, and i know he didn’t like that i chose her every time even though she paid me no mind and he was a doting parent. i went a couple years without talking to either of my parents, but we’re all actually pretty good now. my mom has made up for a lot and she’s not perfect bt she’s still trying and i can say the same for my dad as well

Cernunnos: What is your favorite animal?- pandas, otters, and puppies are god tier. koalas, giraffes, hedgehogs (no sonic), and chinchillas are also up there

Danu: What is your relationship with your mother?- i guess you can read above.. but basically it was shit before and now we get along but I don’t tell her anything you know. she still thinks I’m straight, a virgin, and have never had one (1) alcohol, deadass.  however, she’s still comforting? I wanted her to stay longer this weekend, I felt she’d help me hold it together even if I couldn’t tell her what was wrong

Morrigan: What do you think happens when we die?- first question. but basically you slip into a comfortable coma

Olwen: What is your favorite flower?- sunflowers

Rhiannon: Have you ever been betrayed?- I have felt betrayed before, yes. sidenote i hate that this is Rhiannon. 

Bragi: What kind of music do you listen to?- just about everything but fuck country music. maroon 5’s new album is rly good

Freya: Have you ever been in love?- yes i have and this shit has hurt every single fucking time, lol. and it always feels like it can never hurt more, but each time has been infinitely worse than the previous for me

Freyr: Do you have any children?- my daughter, sandy

Hœnir: Are you a silent or talkative person?- silent. I hardly talk, I’m not rly verbal, though when I have to front like I am I’m pretty good at it. but if it were up to me I wouldn’t talk at all. though there times (especially when manic) that i can go on and on and on. that was rly easy w my bf before and helped as far as better developing how to express myself verbally/communicating in general 

Iounn: How old are you?- can we not talk about my age and the existential crisis I have every time I think of it, thanks

Loki: What is the best trick you’ve ever pulled on someone?- i don’t really pull tricks and shit like that

Odin: What is your family like?- nonexistent

Thor: Would you consider yourself pretty powerful?- i am A WEAK BINCH!!!!!

Tree: What have you done with your life? What are you going to do with it?- I haven’t done much of anything. I just want to make money, pay off debts, own some pets, live comfortably.. be skinny

Aphrodite: What do you think of yourself?- I don’t think much of myself which has been identified as such a grande problem by others & by those who actively validate that so…

Ares: Are you an easy person to anger?- I wouldn’t think that I am, but it doesn’t take much for me to split on someone

Athena: Would you consider yourself an artist?- not much of one anymore

Apollo: Do you play any instruments?- piano, bassoon, sax, bass clarinet, french horn/mellophone

Dionysus: Do you drink?- I like red wine & henny

Hades: Do you have a bad reputation?- i sure fucking do now bitch

Hekate: Have you ever tried to communicate with the dead?- caucasian activities bruh

Hermes: Have you ever stolen anything?- walmart self checkout more like optional check out you feel me

Poseidon: Are you a moody person?- hi, i have bpd. (no this isn’t me justifying any behavior or whatever, but it quite literally is the reason why I’m “”””””””moody”””””””)

Zeus: Are you a confident person?- fuck no, next. i mean okay, i can be, fake confident, and i used to really have an air of confidence about me befroe but no longer do and it saddens me. petition to bring back 2k14 claudia tbh

Jupiter: Would people say that you are intimidating or fairly approachable?- I believe I’m approachable but I’ve been told I have chronic RBF and am incredibly intimidating and completely UNapproachable. my kids didn’t seem to think that when I taught though so that was cool

Pluto: Where do you think we go when we die?- i hope the underworld

Apollo & Dianna: Do you prefer to be up during the day or at night?day, i def wish i can get more done bc night is sleep time

Mars: Have you ever gotten into a fight?- both verbal and physical altercations

Minerva: Do you generally give good advice?- “dump him sis”

Proserpine: Have you ever felt trapped?- yes, mostly by my mental illness(es)

Plutus: Do you have a job?- yes, thank god

Venus: Have you ever had your heart broken?- of course, it’s broken right the fuck now binch!

Vesta: Do you like being home or do you try to get out whenever you can?- I’m a fucking SLUT for being home bitch omg. but at the same time i like traveling and getting our but i def prefer lowkey things. bookstores, wine tasting, shit like that

Morpheus: Do you daydream often? Of what?- of a lot more like having a sense of stability and whatnot. being loved completely and wholeheartedly 500% mutual healthy devotion. i want someone to invest in me

[i-rant-here-alot-blog]

i wrote this for you. i was going to send it on our 1 year but.

good morning my sweet boy. i’m writing this over the next few months, so by the time you read this we’ll either be at 8 months or a year. we just passed 4 months but it feels like so much more. the past few months have gone by way too fast but kinda in a good way.

i remember our 1 month we were still pretty awkward and were getting to know each other a little bit more. i remember being so confused on how i was so happy from just a few words from one persons mouth.

Our 2 months i knew more about you and was becoming more attached to you. at first that was kinda scary because i didn’t want to lose you so soon. you became one of the people i trusted most.

our 3 months you had a special place in my heart that nobody else could take. i knew then i wasn’t going to lose you anytime soon. You made me feel something that i never really felt with anyone else.

our 4 months just happened. I don’t really know what to say. you are perfect. 110% in my eyes. I’ve fallen deeper and deeper in love you each day we have been together. the way your eyes glow when we’re together, the way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you exist. its all perfect.

our 5 months was a few days ago. there has been some ups and downs but we got through them. we’ve both been pretty busy and making plans has been rough but hey we still saw each other and started having sleepovers again which is amazing. I missed sleeping next to you so much. every time i go home after we hang out or when you go home i miss u more and more. its kinda weird but only because i never really missed someone this much after just seeing them. you’ve been so so helpful with everything. my mood has been kinda wack and you’ve made me feel better a lot. i’m still really glad u came and helped w/ my room. it meant a lot to me.

Our 6 months just went by and everything you do just makes me happy. i have never wanted a future more with someone as much as i have wanted one with you. laying down in bed with you just cuddling or sleeping in your arms or next to you. making mac and cheese in the kitchen or sitting on the couch joking around. i love it all. and i love you. i couldn’t ask for a more perfect person to be with. you’re the best. you’ve let me cry into your chest and haven’t judged me for it. you make it all better.

we hit 7 months a few days ago ahhhhh. i’m so happy we got so far. i love you to death and i was so scared to lose you at first but now i’m pretty certain i’ve got you for a while :) i was gonna write this the day of our 7 months mark or whatever because you slept over the night before and were at my house shortly in the morning but i decided not to because you were awake first and i didn’t wanna wake u up but anyway. 7 months man. 7 months with the boy i love the most out of everyone. 7 months with my best friend. it’s unbelievable. it seems like just 3 or 4 months ago it was your birthday party and we were cuddling in the camper. it’s been so long holy moly. you’ve kept me running a lot lately with some stuff that’s happened at school with alyvia and me breaking down a few times and making some mistakes. i know i can be annoying and sometimes i’m a little much but some reason you’re deciding to deal with it. which i don’t mind like at all please stay. i’ll get weird sometimes and i’ll yell or i’ll get upset and it may seem like i’m getting upset with you but i’m honestly probably just stressed with something and i never ever mean to take anything out on you. i’d never do that to you on purpose. anyway, i’ll let this be till next month. i love you lots babes.

i don’t know how else to start these paragraphs anymore because i think i keep starting them the same lol so hey today we hit 8 months. it went by so so fast. you’ve made everyday a lot better and have been able to make me smile when i never wanted to. i feel like i’m repeating the same thing over and over but idc. i fucking love you. you really helped me out in the past month with moving and keeping me positive or at least trying to. and helping me and my mom actually find a place to live. you’ll never know how grateful i am for you. i really don’t know what i would do if we hadn’t started dating. you mean the world and more to me and i’d give everything to keep you forever. i can’t imagine myself living a life without you in it. you really are my best friend and more.

our 9 months would have been in 2 days. you decided it was best for us to break up. i really don’t agree because as busy as you were you still made me feel like a prince and i still felt like you loved me. you say you dragged me through everything but i willingly went through all of it. i loved seeing how you preformed and hearing how much you loved your cast. it made me happy to see you so happy. as much as i know it isn’t my fault i still feel like i was a bit problematic and that is part of it. i was a very needy boyfriend and never gave you much space. thinking about how i will probably never be able to hold your hand again or kiss you or call you mine drives a knife through my heart. i loved you with every inch of my heart. i dont really know if the feeling was mutual, but you said you’d always love me when we split so ig it was. you still mean the world to me and you still are the only person i’ll ever want. nobody will make me as happy as you did

i’m in a lot of fucking pain from this. you made me so fucking happy and then you just left. my heart feels like it’s been torn out of my chest. the feelings i have for you are so strong i dont want to let us go. our relationship meant so much to me. i can’t stop crying. i wanted us to last so bad and you promised it’d be me and you till time ended and i believed it because i really thought we loved each other enough to make it. the fact that this entire thing went to waste hurts. i was so excited to send this to you and now i can’t because you aren’t even mine. i made a slideshow. i ordered us distance bracelets for when you’d go off for a bit. i was really excited for our future. now it all feels dead to me. i do want to be your best friend still but it hurts so bad.

[meeresbande]

Alphabet tag game

Rules: Copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours, and when you are done tag up to 10 people and also tag the person who tagged you… And most importantly, have fun!

a - age: body is around 30, main fronters are an undefined blob (probably about 30 too? it feels like we either kinda caught up with the body’s age or at least the gap doesn’t feel so prominent anymore and isn’t a problem anymore)


b - biggest fear: horrible things happening to friends, losing my support network or parts of it, climate chaos

c - current time: 21:59

d - drink you last had: tap water (it’s good where I live)

e - every day starts with: feeling horrible and most likely flashbacks?


f - favorite song: The Glow by Sam Rosen, Shematoria by Guts Pie Earshot, Kharja by Polynushka

g - ghosts, are they real: idk??? probably not but sometimes we think so (or at least something comparable? idk it probably depends on your definition/concept of ghost). so i guess we’re agnostic abt ghosts mostly.

h - hometown: some village in northern germany that is best not spoken of

i - in love with: some of us have a crush on someone real, others on fictional characters, most are aromantic. if you mean platonic love and friendship and so on: Friends, sibling, that one cool cousin, our mutuals! and nature idc if this sounds cheesy


j - jealous of: rich ppl who just???? have money???? for stuff???? and could give it to friends if those friends needed it????

also non-traumatised or significantly-less-traumatised ppl. those are weird yet intriguing

k - killed someone: what kind of question is this!? would I admit it if I had?


l - last time you cried: internally? today bc of flashbacks. outwardly? couple days ago bc insurance doesn’t want to pay for therapy anymore after this

m - middle name: we have none


n - number of siblings: 2


o - one wish: the end of capitalism and all nature- and life-destroying ideologies. failing that, a semblance of stability for our friends and ourselves. (or a new binder)


p - person you last called/texted: the one cool cousin


q - questions you’re always asked: if I’m joking or serious bc I guess ppl often don’t get my weird humour/I’m bad at delivering it


r - reasons to smile: sunshine, nature, plants, spring green leaves and flowers, when friends are happy, cute animals

s - song last sang: probably “Kommt, wir woll’n Laterne laufen” or at least definitely a childrens’ song I’m sure

t - time you woke up: 10:30 and it was way too early

u - underwear color: -.-


v - vacation destination: there’s lots of places in germany and neighbouring countries I’d like to explore, by bike or river (kayak) or hiking etc! I mean years ago traveling to faraway warm places with beaches was nice (happened twice) but will not likely happen again and that’s ok. Amrum is the best Island anyway! One of Europe’s biggest beaches, too! And wadden sea :) Will go there again this year with some friends! :D

w - worst habit: negative self talk, assuming people hate me, avoiding talking to people about (potential) problems, nose picking tbh

x - x-rays you’ve had: once when i tore a thing in my foot as a child climbing on trees, several at the dentist (two scheduled for next visit…) idk if any that I forgot about. once I refused one when I got into a workplace “accident” where nothing really happened and I didn’t see the point to getting x-rayed for no real reason (It wasn’t even really “workplace” I was just an intern on my way to the place)

y - your favorite food: Many! Lasagna is great! Home made pizza (with pineapples). Liquorice! Mousse au chocolat!

z - zodiac sign: I refuse to believe in that stuff

I don’t feel like tagging people, but whoever wants to do it, please do!

Tagged by @multiplestrongminds

[ur-a-baka95]

okay so i gotta vent here for a bit since it’s the only place most of my current friends aren’t following me and i don’t want to cause anyone stress. i have this one friend who, as she’s gotten more comfortable around me and our other mutual friends, has been causing more and more stress within the friend group. she was fine at first, but lately it’s been like she needs everyone’s undivided attention 24/7 and it’s gotten quite stressful and quite frankly everyone is tired of the bullshit. she’s the youngest in our friend group and complains about being treated like a child, but she acts like one most of the time?? so of course we aren’t gonna treat you like a full-fledged adult. i feel like i’m walking on eggshells around her because i don’t want to upset her or trigger her or anything. we have a group chat on instagram and it’s mostly for memes and shit, but lately it’s been the rest of the group trying to talk about one thing and then her trying to make it about herself and then getting annoyed when we try to continue the conversation we were having before. 

i wasn’t able to make it to the japanese festival on monday because anxiety + lack of sleep = celia’s stomach decides to empty itself, bUT ANYWAYS from what i’ve heard from one of my friends who has been particularly irritated and stressed out by this person, she was basically doing that same thing irl as she does in the group chat! and she changed costumes three times until people were actually paying attention to her and taking pictures, and kept going between “i’ve eaten too much” and “i haven’t eaten all day” (the latter being the truth) and then sulking whenever people weren’t paying attention. sometimes i don’t know what’s a lie and what’s real with her anymore and that kinda makes me angry cause if you want us to trust you and take you seriously, tell us the fucking truth.

and last night! oml the group chat was on some topic of idek anymore but there were jokes about clowns and haunted houses?? it should be noted that i was asleep for most of this conversation because i’ve been extremely exhausted lately. anyways everyone was trying to keep the conversation lighthearted but this friend was trying to turn it into yet another group therapy session with the focus on her and just ignore the problems of everyone else (one person was concerned about tasting blood in her mouth randomly, but this friend just decided to ignore that lol)

back to the day of the japanese festival, there was a storm on the way home and the friend who i mentioned earlier as being one of the ones most effected by the friend in question was driving, and the friend in question was in the passenger seat and another friend was in the back seat. friend in the passenger seat starts like screaming and crying and turning around in her seat, making a huge ruckus. i get that it’s a phobia, but at least try to control yourself? take calming breaths and close your eyes, don’t intensify your feelings by making a bigger deal about it, that’s one of the things i’m sure any therapist would tell you??? if something sets off your anxiety, if you focus on it like that you’ll make it worse for yourself. anyways, this came up in the group chat last night and friend in the back seat sounded extremely done with the situation.

this friend is constantly vying for attention, like if i don’t respond in the group chat she’ll send me the same thing in another group chat and just straight DM me. like i’m sorry but there was a reason i didn’t respond the first time, i was busy. calm down. and another thing, it got so bad last night that one of my other friends kinda called her out after she once again said she was feeling shitty: “don’t you always feel terrible though? :o Honest question,because you complain about not being happy a lot it seems”

and that friend is right. i know that her mom is mentally abusive and doesn’t take her to therapy sessions enough, but we are not licensed therapists and we can’t take this shit 24/7. we’re here for when times are tough, yes, but we also have lives and sometimes can’t give the full support you need. one of my friends is basically going on a social hiatus because of this. i can’t keep dealing with this, it’s too much pressure. i can’t just set my life aside for someone who i can only half believe.

call me a shitty person, but i need to take my own mental health into consideration, too. i try to be the person who my friends can vent to but when you are constantly vying for attention but then don’t want to actually tell us what’s going on you are just putting unnecessary stress on everyone. 

idc if any of this makes sense it’s just a jumble of what’s been on my mind lately. this stress has doubled my anxiety and i’ve been having physical symptoms such as nausea and shaking, more than just the usual leg bounce. it’s gotten to my hands and that’s getting in the way of my life as an artist. yesterday i couldn’t stop my hand from trembling when i was drawing and painting and it was awful.

if this continues, i may have to cut ties with her. i don’t want to do that because i know she has problems and i do worry for her, i’m just tired of not knowing what’s real and what she’s made up for attention (and i do know she makes shit up sometimes) like if you make shit up, i worry about what you’re trying to cover up. and when you tell the truth, i wonder if it’s actually the truth, or to what degree it is truthful. i’ve dealt with similar shit before, i don’t want to deal with it again. that other person is out of my life for a reason.