#if u see the date on this meme as may 2021.... no u dont

[endfght]

the magician: how does your muse feel about fate ? do they believe they can change their own destiny ? @innocentsbled

he doesn't not believe in fate, if that's a good enough answer. he fully believes that everyone has their own path in life, but i think he's under the impression that life is what you make it ⸺ it's up to you yourself to make your own destiny. so i guess, yes and no: he doesn't believe in some preconceived, unchanging endgame that will come no matter what you do. if you're a bad person, you can turn yourself towards the good, visa versa. he believes that all things happen for a reason, that it's possible that there's some greater being puppeteering their lives, but truthfully it's not something that he puts much thought into on a daily basis. he takes things as they come in life ― good, bad, or ugly.

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

[shiro-0197]

God no I'm sorry 😭😭😭 the way Tumblr eats all my drafts, and now your replies. (Someday I'm gonna eat Tumblr grrrr) that must've been so frustrating tho, I'm sorry love.

someday we could go to a country with Highlands together. It'll be super cold and nice. And the views would be really really pretty too!! WE COULD EVEN BE AMONGST THE CLOUDS >//< aww yes I hope you'll be able to try them soon in the future!! I died and had to stay in bed for an hour, (because my spice tolerance is nonexistent <3) but yeah I'm better now! Name is: "대박 ghost pepper noodles" the Korean word 대박 literally translates to "awesome" but— 😭😭

oh I see!! I hope school goes well, it's good that you're excused for a part of the day :D and aww I understand. Replying can be lengthy sometimes, so please please only do it when you're free and comfortable >:(( we're in no rush, after all :D

I was studying earlier too. and I texted my principal about the exams ( because apparently none of my teachers know anything about it, and I was so frustrated with everyone being so clueless ) she just replied with a : "hi Ariana, will let you know on Friday" like excuse me, ma'am. GRRRRR >:( STOP BEING CLUELESS.

awww that's okay!! I'm sure those prep slides were really pretty too :D aww that's sweet of you. some of my online friends sometimes sit in on my Leo events (if it's open to everyone) and it's pretty fun when they do (once, one of them had to talk for like, an activity and my club mates were like "SHE HAS AN ACCENT??". It was hilarious hehe) zoom is great for that reason, and only that. they're just ready-made slides tbh, I use canva :D

Shiro, love, you won't disappoint anyone, I promise you that. I'm sure your mom is more proud than you know, and from the way you talk about her, I can tell that she truly adores you. tho I also understand your worries. If you want to rant or anything, you know I'm here. And I'll just continuously reassure you of how amazing you are :)

that's my boy 🥺🥺 grr, you're so feisty, please imagine me holding a "you go, Shiro" sign everytime you tell someone to fuck themselves :D Laurent is indeed amazing. He's my favourite character for that exact reason >//< there's another character, from a book I read, just like that. His name was uhh, Kieran. And he knew so many different languages, and was just in general; super smart. I remember being so in love with him when I first read it (The title of the book is "genius")

HAHA. ikr. They're all hot, and most importantly; smart. nevermind, when I meet you someday we can cry over them together 😭🤚 pffft no offense, but being evil is hot sometimes 😾 (I mean, Kieran was evil. So's Moriarty :] and I am: a simp for them all)

aww bae that's okay 🥺🥺 your feelings are valid, and it's not wrong to express them whenever you feel like it. Grrr if I ever see your dad, he might be missing a limb >:( sorry, that was violent, but I get especially mad if anyone upsets someone i love )

exactly?? It's been a year?? Where's that blink meme where someone blinks and it's suddenly 2021. Oooh that sounds really nice!! Adding it on my list of things to try in March >.< Honey is really delicious. especially all those desserts which have a lot of them.

glad I made you laugh >////< grr my sense of humour is just so weird tho, so I'm glad you aren't freaked out by it.

KAJDKSJSKS SIR WAIT. There was an explanation for that u but I guess it got cut off in my notes 😾😾 IT WAS MEANT TO BE A Ü (smiley) but I was using my computer and I couldn't add the two dots above, so I typed "imagine the eyes" (but apparently that part got cut off and now it just looks like a random alphabet SKJSKSK IM SORRY 😭😭😭

I understand, the lack of opportunities can really get on one's nerves. But oh yes, Japan and Norway are beautiful countries. Apart from Japan, I've been really into Korea and Switzerland. The Alps 😻

grrr y'all have tough exteriors. But it's so rewarding when you finally get them down, tho I think, you guys have tons of other layers to yourselves. I guess that's just the charm, I find it endearing, because it just means there's a lot more than meets the eye :)

MY FRIEND MAKES FUN OF ME FOR LIKING PINK. HE TEASES ME MERCILESSLY SKSJSKSK (so I published a poem line in the school magazine to get back at him for it, because I'm petty like that)

that's so funny >.< There are two girls, and a girl and a guy, who share the exact same names in my class, and it's so funny because they're opposites of each other xD

he really is precious. The best leader, I would literally die for him, he's wonderful. yeah the book actually started out different, with them just being best friends. Best plot twist 😭😭 AWW

NOOO I'm sure it's cute, in it own way? :P tho that meme tho. LDJCJSBSKS. Don't worry, hehe, the character may be .... Unpleasant to look at?? , but you're not the least bit at all :)

how was your day btw? My day sucked ass and was literally the worst day in the history of uh, days. Yeah. sad. tomorrow will be better.

God, you're so adorable wtf. Marry me rn. AKDJSKSJS I didn't find it lame at all, (tho were you flustered? Because that was cute as hell xD) I love you too 🥺🥺

—☃️

It's okay, it's not your fault. We could storm the Tumblr building together or something..:3

Oh I really hope we can!!! I love cold weather. You can wear sweaters and hoodies and all that💞 and you have an excuse to cancel everything and cuddle up with a blanket or someone else😝

Im so glad you're better now!! Spice sickness or whatever is the worst😔 WBHDJWKX that's hilarious I hope I come across those soon! Let's see who wins😼

Yeah, about that, they started making us do after-class activities, which now leaves less time for the stuff I have to do .... which sucks . But I'm managing, I think, so it's cool xD yeah, I've always been kind of cautious about the timing, it's nice to have a little freedom now, thank you so much <3

Wow😭😭 our teachers usually have the dates set two weeks before the exams, we always recieve a message. Though I've been there, where the teacher have no clue, it's so annoying😭😭

Ohh, that's so cool! I hope I will be able to visit one someday. Though I dont think itll be too soon, but I'm looking forward to when I can😝 also that's funny, whenever I speak people go "he doesnt have an accent???" Even though I so obviously do. They just have no idea 😭

Okay..... that's the best words of encouragement I've ever received, I'm so touched- thank you🥺💘

Bwahah, that's gonna make my day every time 😭 Yeah, hes my favorite too!! He seems like a simple himbo at first, but the more we see of him the better he gets. (That sounds cool!!! I'm gonna check it out when I can!)

Thank you🥺 also, dont worry, I wouldn't mind that. I'd love that, actually, wanna go rip off guys arms together?

MZJXKGJJAKXKAKX IT'S ALRIGHT HAHAH, ITS REALLY FUNNY SO DONT WORRY😭😭

JSNFNMWMDMS IM GONNA MAKE FUN OF HIM FOR MAKING FUN OF YOU how could he . I will eat his eyeballs. Also I 100% agree with the poem and I'm glad you posted it. I hope some people thought about it.

Wow😭😭 its honestly so funny, because they're all so different and yet their names fit them so well either way.

Also, wow I feel so bad it's been almost a week since I responded😐 I'm really sorry. I've been writing snips of this message any time I could and yet it still took me days xD I'm getting free, though, so I'll try to respond faster now. I missed talking to you so much😭 thank you for your patience🤍🤍🤍

How've you been? I'm pretty good, tired but feeling good because I can finally respond😩 I hope your day went well. Love you!♡