#if this is the day i dont have a panic attack and instead drop dead from my nervous system beinf fucmed well

[hunterofthemist]

Strength of the Meek

Carrying a paper bag Dave walks into the cafeteria. He looks around the room and sees Kotzal waving him over. He walks over to him and sits down with Kotzal at a noticeably empty table.

"Hey Dave, how are you?" Kotzal asks with a grin. "You dont have to rub it in, I had no idea you were a natural," Dave grumbles.

"It's just that when you showed me the rules I realized how similar they were to a game I used to play on Geon. Thrum If I remember correctly." Kotzal and dave talk for some time, the topic changes quickly from poker to physical ability.

"How strong are humans anyway? I've seen your movies but you said they aren't a good representation of human strength." Kotzal asks intrigued.

"Were strong enough. Enough to take down something bigger than us, at least with some planning that is." Dave answers. "I mean back when humans still dwelled in caves we took down wooly mammoths, which were beasts around three times the size of a human."

"Oh, I didn't know that. It's pretty impressive to hear." Kotzal says more than intrigued at this point.

"What about when a human has to do something impossible, just to keep the ones they care about alive. What do you do then?" He asks, his face getting a bit more solemn.

"We push on, do whatever it takes, even if it means we tear ourselves apart doing so," Dave says with a look of sincerity. He then breaks the look and smiles warmly. "What's got you asking a question like that?"

Kotzal laughs nervously and scratches the back of his head. "I dont know, I just heard stories over the Ether."

The conversation ends as the buzzer goes off on everyone's watch. "Shit thought we had more time for lunch break. That blows." Dave sighs.

Dave and Kotzal start walking down a hallway towards their respective stations. Halfway towards Dave's station, the alarm sounds, as well as an explosion in a nearby hallway.

"What was that!" Kotzal panics, immediately hiding behind dave and shaking. Dave reacts accordingly, not to the explosion but to Kotzal hiding behind him. "Woah dude, you good?"

"Oh sorry, my species is a prey species on my home planet. We get jumpy when stuff like this happens."

Dave chuckles at the thought, "you know if you did this around the others im pretty sure they wouldn't be able to see you." His attention focuses back on the sound. " We should go check out what happened, we're engineers after all."

Kotzal steps out from behind dave nervously and agrees. They walk down the hallway towards the commotion. Smoke billows out of the walls, embers pour out of the holes as well.

A hulking beast pulls its way out of the hole, it had to be around 8 and a half feet tall. Just as dave gets a look at it, several more come out of the walls. Kotzal grabs dave and pulls him around the corner, away from the beasts.

"Get down! Those are Tarvok pirates. We need to go, we do Not want to pick a fight with those." Kotzal is freaking out, likely having a panic attack. He tries to pull Dave with him. Dave doesn't budge, instead, he stares at the wall and puts his hand on it. "I cant."

Kotzal gets more anxious and frenzied, pulling harder on Dave. "No We have to go, David dont do this." In response, Dave grins and puts his head on the cold metal wall. "I said I cant, This station is my baby. I've fixed her more than anyone else. I can't leave her."

Dave turns to Kotzal and continues. "Not to mention the number of people these guys could hurt. You know how far the nearest guard post is, and how understaffed it is. If I turn tail and run countless people will die. But If I distract them, buy us some time. Maybe I can save a few lives."

"But you'll die! You'll get killed, I can't have you do that. I can't lose you, You're the only one who even respects me, let alone is nice to me." He says as tears start to form in his four eyes.

Daves grin breaks and he pulls Kotzal into a hug, Kotzal's small stature causing him to look like a small child not wanting their parent to leave. "That's not happening. I ain't gonna die." Dave thinks for a moment and goes on. "How about you help me, I dont buy this scared child Schtick. There's something there, something strong. I can see that."

Dave breaks the hug and pulls a knife from his belt, and hands it over to him. Kotzal stares at the blade for a second and takes the knife and nods in agreement. "Use your speed and stature to your advantage. there's a lot of smoke, try to use that."

Dave and total talk for a minute discussing plans and strategies after they're done he grabs a pipe on the wall and rips it off, but not before speaking to the station itself. "Sorry about this."

Walking around the corner Dave bangs the pipe on the wall, getting the army of Tarvok's attention. "Hey you brutes, eyes on me." He says, resting the pipe on his shoulder.

One of the Tarvok's starts walking over to Dave with a look of hunger and anger. Dave grins, this being a part of his plan, and stomps on a jagged and sharp piece of metal, launching it into the air. To which Kotzal leaves cover from behind Dave and grabs the piece of metal and throws it into the eye of the Tarvok.

"See, I told you no one would be able to see you back there." Dave jokes. He takes a step forward and inspects the now corpse of the Tarvok. "Oh damn, straight into the eye." Kotzal meekly responds to the compliment. "Thanks, it was heavier than Im used to so I didn't think it hit where I wanted to."

"You're a good shot, keep it up." Dave compliments. For a split second, Dave swore he could see Kotzal's cheeks turn blue.

Dave starts walking forward towards the rest of the army, beckoning them to come to fight him. One soldier takes a step forward to fight. The hulking beast throws a punch towards Dave but he sides steps it and slams his weapon into a pipe next to the Tarvok.

The soldier notices this and started to laugh but a second later the pipe bursts and hot steam starts to burn the soldier and causing it to fall to the floor.

The next one rushes Dave and throws a punch at him, he absorbs the blow into his shoulder and uses the force to spin himself around and slam the pipe into the soldier's skull.

At the display of force, the rest of the Tarvok's take a step back from the carnage. "Hey Kotzal, I think I fucked my shoulder up. It's your turn. " Dave says quietly so the brutes in front of them won't hear. "Yeah, let's do it." He responds, trying to hide the fear in his voice.

Dave starts to run towards the group of Tarvok's with Kotzal following. Before he gets too close he ducks down and arches his back and Kotzal jumps off his back and launches himself toward the enemy.

With one hand he throws a sharp piece of metal in the neck of one of the soldiers and with the other he stabs another with the knife Dave gave him.

The last one is in front of them, he's bigger than the rest. Probably the leader. "Let me handle this one," Dave says as he blocks Kotzal from moving forward with the pipe.

Looking at the pipe in his hand, Dave realizes that the pipe is way too damaged to continue to be useful. He takes a step forward and throws the thing as hard as he can. The pipe flies through the air and when it's about to hit, the leader catches it.

As soon as he threw the pipe Dave started running towards the beast but only noticed that he caught the pipe when he was too close to do anything. The Leader propels his knee into Daves's gut, the spike on it spearing into dave.

"Oh fuck!" He screams as the spike goes through him. He falls back and tries to stop the bleeding. Another scream is heard, not of pain but rage. "You Fucker!" It's Kotzal, with the look of pure rage in his eyes.

"I'll kill you!" He screams as he starts running towards him. As he reaches him he jumps at the leader to get a clear shot at him. In retaliation, the Tarvok grabs him by the neck and holds him in the air. Kotzal doesn't seem to notice, the anger blinding him. He starts slashing wildly at the beast in front of him, a good majority hitting their targets.

Kotzal gets a good stab into the arm of the beast holding him, causing him to be dropped.

While on the ground he stabs the blade into the back of the knee of the Tarvok leader making him fall to his knees, lining him up for a stab to the side of his head, killing him.

He keeps stabbing the now dead Tarvok, more out of rage than him being unsure he's dead. After a few dozen stabs he stops and takes a second to breathe and remembers Dave. He turns around and sprints towards Dave.

He starts trying to help him staunch the bleeding and stabilize him. "No, no-no-no. Dont do this, you cant." He starts tearing up trying to help him.

"It's okay, you did well. Didn't expect the fucker to catch the pipe. I think this is it" Dave says as he rests on the wall, trying to do whatever he can to stop the bleeding.

"Dont say that! You'll be fine, I know what im doing. I can help you." Kotzal says frantically.

Dave looks at him and puts his bloodied hand on his shoulder. "You can't save me, an injury like this is impossible to fix up."

"Shut up!" Kotzals shouts as he slaps dave. "We aren't in the medical dark ages, You know how strong modern medicine is." a grin forms on Daves face as he shrugs. "Whatever you say," he says as his vision fades to black and passes out.

Daves eyes open and the bright light blinds him, "hey your awake." a familiar voice says. His eyes adjust to the light and he sees that Kotzal is sitting on the chair next to his bed.

Dave groans in pain as he tries to sit up. Kotzal puts a hand on his shoulder and stops him. "Dumbass, you can adjust the bed." He laughs, handing him the switch.

"How long was I out?" He asks as he raises the head of his bed. "About two days. You had us worried for a little while." Kotzal responds with a smile.

"You can't kill me that easily, its gonna take a lot more than that, I still have work to do here." He smiles back.

"Oh yeah, like what?" Kotzal asks. "The engines been making a thunking noise for the past week, I still figure out what the hell the problem is." They both start laughing for a minute and after they stop a silence is formed between them, which is promptly broken ten seconds later by dave. "Hey after they discharge me, do you wanna go to the bar and get a few drinks? I'll buy."

"Sure thing, I'd love to."

[spectracully]

crash the crush.

pairings : senior student!xiaojun x sophomore student!reader warnings : profanity, underage drinking, mentions of drugs genre : fluff, a bit of crack? highschool!au word count : 4.3k

summary : what are the odds of crashing into your crush during the neighborhood-friendly run and mutual friends party?

You were pissed off when your mum said you need to work your lazy ass off. Well, if it's on the summer break, you'll most likely agree with her. But it's only the weekend, and you've been studying your ass off these days. A lazy weekend is something you earned, but your mum decided to rain on your lazy parade.

With all those groans and deep sighs, you storm off your house wearing your workout gear. Not much, only a windbreaker jacket paired with shorts and running shoes. Popping your airpods on both of your ears to blast some jams, you take some light jogging steps on your neighborhood. It's only 4.30 pm, and kinda windy, why the fuck are you doing this? That's right, because mum literally compared you to your neighbor's daughter, Giselle, who recently won a karate tournament. Now mum won't even shut up how much she wants an active daughter, not the lazy one. Yikes.

Back to the streets by Saweetie & Jhene Aiko plays, and you hear a message notification on your airpods. Still on your light jogs, you glance at the notification.

yeri<3 : yo yeri<3 : wyd

You stop jogging for a while to write your bestfriend back. It's saturday, she's probably asking you to hangout along with the gang. Yeri gets easily bored at home and in constant need of hanging out.

y/n : running  💃 💃 💃 y/n : mum said i need to be giselle

You continue your pace while waiting for her reply. You can see your neighborhood clearly now, seeing the details, since you always go to school in a sleepy state, not really noticing the environment, and also going home from school mostly sleeping in your brother's car.

The notification rings again. It must be Yeri.

yeri<3 : bitch thats a dancing emoji yeri<3 : running in a weather like this? yeri<3 : damn straight u wanna be giselle

You chuckle as you’re about to type the messages once more, the weather is fine, what the hell is she talking about? But then Yeri is still typing. 

yeri<3 : n e ways yeri<3 : party at lucas' 8pm yeri<3 : be there or be fucking square 💀 💀 💀

You sigh. There she goes. No other option than tag along with her, but it's not like you hate it anyway. Lucas' party is always awesome, you and your friends also will get a VIP pass because he's a good friend of yours too, despite the fact that you're not even in the same grade as him, he's one year above you and Yeri.

y/n : weather is nice dont jinx it y/n : fine but pick me up y/n : cuz doyoung won't let me drive his car

You send the messages to Yeri to prove her the weather is fine, and indicates that you agree to go to Lucas' house tonight, it's a great night to probably get wasted after all those tiring run mum decided to toss on you. It's gonna be fun, anyways. But the thing about hanging out with Lucas and his senior friends.. You might've developed a big fat crush with one of Lucas' closest friends, Xiaojun. 

You barely had an interaction with him, though, because he's usually the quiet and calm one in Lucas' closest friends group. Lucas himself is already so fucking loud, not to mention Hendery, the good-looking clown and moodmaker. There's also Jungwoo, the one who looks very calm but actually won't shut up once you talk to him. Mark too, the giggly one with some lame jokes. Well, going to Lucas' party tonight means you can see Xiaojun, probably getting the chances that you'll have some interaction over some boozes or something is also quite high.

After feeling all warmed up, you decide to give yourself a run around the block. Yeri's right, it's a funny weather to run. It's windy, but the more you stay outside, the cloud is getting darker and darker. You also knew that you're not really alone, who's doing this athletic bullshit in this kind of weather, you noticed that a boy is also doing this silly run when you were typing messages to Yeri. Probably just another neighbor's child being scolded by his mum of how Giselle is so athletic that his mum also wants an active son? Welp, you didn't see his face anyway, you were glued to the phone when you saw the figure running from the side.

It's not even a minute after you started running, Yeri already replied again. Is she really that bored that she doesn't have anything to do?

yeri<3 : ok i'll pick u up at 7 yeri<3 : um.. its fucking raining, y/n yeri<3 : go home and take a shower yeri<3 : pick ur clothes and put on some makeup instead yeri<3 : its saturday night, activate your hoe protocol yeri<3 : mr xiaojun is going to be there tonight

You stop running and stare at her messages. Raining? Is she drunk or what? It's not even 5pm yet and here she is, hallucinating-

Oop. There it goes. You feel some water drops on your head. Your hand. It was slow at first, but then the raindrops are getting harder and harder, it's pouring. 

"Motherfu-" you let out a curse, you should've trusted Yeri on this. As an intuitive homo sapiens with XX chromosomes, you scan through the streets, looking for some shelter to wait the rain to stop. Spotting a bus stop with a large steel canopy, you run like your life depended on it, avoiding the rain.

Finally arriving, you sigh and sit on the installed chair, typing messages to Yeri.

y/n : omg bitch ur right its raining y/n : should've pretended im dead in my room so mum wont bug me y/n : u know what after the rain ends im gonna sprint back home and take a fucking shower y/n : the universe doesnt like it when im trying to be giselle, it gave me rain instead

You sigh as you shuffle through your playlist, looking for some fun jams to pass your time through the rain, when somebody suddenly approaches you.

"Hi, do you mind if I take a seat here?" a boy asks, pointing to the chair next to you. You look up, and suddenly the next thing you wanna do is ascend your soul the fuck out of your body to the sky. 

Oh boy. It's Xiaojun. The boy you won't shut up about. He’s wearing a white loose tank and grey sweatpants, drenched in his own sweat. Oh god. This is truly an attack for you. What the fuck is he doing here? And why must you meet him at your mess like being all salty because of those running fiasco and the rain? While wearing your not-so-fashionable workout gear and not-so-tidy ponytails? Oh god.

You can feel your heart is about to explode when you realize that he is actually the person who is also doing the stupid running at this very weather, you just didn't notice it sooner because you were on your damn phone. Damn, mum was right, everything happened because you were always on your damn phone.

"No, of course! Take a seat!" you answer him, trying your best to crack your sweetest smile although it's more like sweatiest not sweetest.

He smiles back at you, taking a seat next to you, then his eyes get back to his phone, completely glued. Damn this is the only cardio that is worth it, no running, no jumping, no huff that huff this, only sitting next to Xiaojun on a rainy day on a bus stop. Wonderful.

You quickly whip up the messaging app to type all kinds of gibberish and send it to Yeri. She knows what shit is about to go down when you speak gibberish to her.

y/n : FUCKJSHSJJSKSJK YERI y/n : OH MY FUCKING GOD SJSGSJSHSKJSK

Lucky you, Yeri has nothing to do than respond to your messages, she stays put on the chat room.

yeri<3 : OMG BITCH WHAT yeri<3 : SKSHSJJSKS YOU SCARED ME

y/n : HE's FUCKING HERE AHSJSHSJEK

yeri<3 : OMG WHOS HE?? yeri<3 : THE DEVIL??? IS HE GONNA TAKE UR SOUL? SKEJSJKSKSK

y/n : XIAOJUN y/n : TURNS OUT HE ALSO LIVES IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD

yeri<3 : ASKJSJSKSK WHAT yeri<3 : HOW

y/n : KAHSKSJKS omg bitch y/n : i was sheltering myself from the goddamn rain y/n : im in bus stop rn y/n : this angel came to accompany me y/n : HE WAS RUNNING TOO OMG y/n : omg yeri just so u know if im not there when u pick me up y/n : its bc im in church getting married with my man xiaojun

yeri<3 : BITCH OMG SKSKSKSKK yeri<3 : GET MARRIED RN yeri<3 : WAIT dont waste the chance yeri<3 : talk to him rn!!!

You swear you're about to scream when Yeri sends that. She was actually right, this is your chance to talk to him, considering that you didn't really interact that much with him. But really? He didn't even say a word when he sat, probably didn't even remember your name? The disappointment slowly gets into your head.

You freeze on the spot. torn between wanting to talk to him and just let it slide, you'll see him again tonight as Lucas' house, right?

Just when you decide to give up and not say a word, he turns his head to you.

"Hey, I didn't know you live in this neighborhood too," he starts.

Oh god. If every time your heart beats fast you get a dollar, you'd probably have your own private island by now.

You try to play it cool when actually on the inside you wanna scream I LIKE YOU to his face rn. "Oh? Oh yes, my house is number 13." you answer calmly,

He cracks a smile, “13? You’re Doyoung’s little sister?”

Oh god. What the fuck is this clownery? He knows Doyoung? Why and how? At this rate you just wanna evaporate to the rain, what if Doyoung actually knows that you liked Xiaojun and he spills it? Oh god. 

You smile back at him, holding the panic you’ve been keeping since he mentioned Doyoung’s name. “Yep. I’m his sister.”

“Oh god, why didn’t I notice that earlier? I could’ve taken care of you at school!” he exclaims, and you sure you just wanna evaporate to the rain. Him? Taking care of you at school? YES PLEASE!

You let out a small giggle, trying to be as calm as possible when in reality you’re very sure you just wanna melt like a goddamn popsicle on a hot summer day. “So, how do you know my brother, actually?”

He laughs a bit, wiping away the sweat on his forehead. Oh god, he’s just so beautiful. “Well.. Doyoung and I used to be a dynamic duo in the school's choir, until he graduated.”

Oh, that. Doyoung is pretty serious about his career in the school’s choir, but you did not expect that Xiaojun is actually a part of it. Of course, he has the face of an angel, the voice is included.

“Now I know why Doyoung never let me come to his house. Turns out he has a cute- I mean, h-he has a sister, and that’s you! M-Maybe he’s afraid I’ll bother you or s-something.” he continues, stuttering a bit, and letting out an awkward laugh. You laugh again, feeling the blood rushing to your cheeks that you can’t hide no more. DID HE JUST SAY DOYOUNG HAS A CUTE SISTER? DID HE JUST SAY YOU’RE CUTE? DID HE-

But then, good things always come to an end. The goddamn rain stops. Oh fuck, no more chitter chatter with the dear crush. Just when it is the fucking time you need to hear the goddamn wedding bells, the rain decided to stop on your rain parade. Fuck.

He looks up, and seems like noticing the rain has stopped. “Well, Y/n. Lucas is having a party tonight, are you coming?”

You can feel your cheeks are still heating from his words, you shyly nod to him. Welp, maybe the rain has stopped, but this stupid crush? No. It goes on. Very much.

He stands up, straightening his white loose tank, getting ready to probably sprint back home. “Okay. See you tonight then, I’m going home. Have a good run!” he says as he walks away from the bus stop, leaving you dumbfounded. And lovestruck. That’s a win, alright.

Xiaojun slowly fades away from your view, and you’re still drowning on your pool of love. Yep, that’s it. You can’t even hold it, you quickly dial Yeri’s number to break out the news.

“What is it, Y/n? You literally left me on read for like 14 minutes straight and now you-”

“YERI LISTEN I’M GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT AND THAT’S A FUCKING FACT!” you shout to the phone, you can picture Yeri is probably goggling out her eyes right now.

“Girl, just because Xiaojun just asked you why the fuck were you running at times like this it doesn’t mean-”

“HE CALLED ME CUTE!” you blurted out,cutting her sentences for the second time,

“-you’re getting married- WHAT?? HE CALLED YOU WHAT?” Yeri yelled from the phone, now it’s pretty clear that Yeri is probably jumping her ass off right now.

You sprint your way to home, while holding your phone to your ears, continuing to give Yeri the details about the bus stop conversation you had earlier. Now she’s just yelling at you to pick the right dress and pamper yourself up, the probability you’ll marry Xiaojun at Lucas’ party is increasing. Sure it does.

-------

It’s 11.28 PM, 3 hours and a half since you and Yeri just arrived at Lucas’ house, escaping from Doyoung’s warning to you, to get back in one piece, and most importantly, sober. As if you’re gonna leave Lucas’ house sober, that’s funny, alright. You and Yeri were greeted by Yangyang and Donghyuck, who are currently setting up the table for snacks and drinks. That was probably the first time you saw Donghyuck ever setting up something, because if not, Jungwoo would’ve set his ass on fire.

The party madness has started, seems like everybody already has enough alcohol running on their system. Lucas is already losing his shirt and starts twerking in the middle of his house along with Jaemin and Jungwoo. Ah yes, the thot trio already started their thing, and all you have to do is just stay back and avoid getting dragged to the dance mess, because the chance of Jungwoo and Jaemin will start grinding at you is kinda high right now.. Considering their.. Twerking fiasco.

You sit back on the couch and watch your friends getting crazy over the playlist Yangyang made just for this event, sipping on your cocktails that Donghyuck put god-knows-what in it, he said it’s just cherry juice mixed with gin and brandy, but somehow it tastes kinda citrusy. You glance to the right, only to see Yeri making out with some random guy (probably one of Lucas’ friends named Changbin but oh well, that’s Yeri’s business).

Slightly grossed out and sad because apparently you’re not making out with Xiaojun right now, you make your way to the patio, and find the crowd that circle around a spinning bottle. Interested, you join Jeno, Mark, Renjun, Yeji, Hyunjin, Sungchan, Karina, Vernon, Hendery, and of course, the (hottest) most important person right now, Xiaojun.

“Welcome! As a newly joined member.. Truth or dare?” Jeno greets you as you take a seat between Mark and Sungchan. Well, you’d love to sit beside Xiaojun, but apparently, that seat is already taken by Hendery and Vernon.

You silently glance at Xiaojun, who is wearing a denim jacket with light-yellow knit top underneath, paired with white trousers. Damn, he looks so damn good that you wanna cry a river.

Your head comes back to the question Jeno asked. Today’s your day, be bold or bald. It’s time. “Well, I’m not gonna put my drunk antics to waste. Dare then.” you answer boldly, earning a few ‘ooooh’s from your friends.

Jeno snickers. Well, fuck. Guess you’re a bit too damn bold tonight, the realization suddenly hits you like a fucking trainwreck, Jeno is kinda extreme for games like this. Wrong choice, y/n. You gulp as you wait for Jeno to come up with something.

“I dare you to kiss Xiaojun!” Jeno exclaims, clapping both of his hands like a goddamn happy seal. Mark and Hendery are high-fiving right now, throwing whistles around Xiaojun, who is silent as a fucking rock.

Oh god. Things you’ve said about not putting your drunk antics to waste should’ve stayed in that goddamn draft. This is where Jeno takes you, even though you’re secretly happy that you finally get to kiss your goddamn crush, that shit is EMBARRASSING. If you wanna evaporate to the waters, then it’s probably the right time to do it.

But why Xiaojun though? Is your big fat crush on him too obvious?

You freeze on the spot as you awkwardly smile and stare at Jeno. This shit can’t be real. Jeno is goddamn crazy. You can feel the air is getting hot, whether it’s because the alcohol starts kicking in, or just because the blood is rushing through your head.

“Scared, aren’t you?” Jeno taunts you, sipping his beer as the rest of the group laugh except you and Xiaojun, who is currently staring at you with a questionable expression. Is he pleased? Or is he pissed? Oh god.

“I-I’m not!” you answer him, leaning to Xiaojun, gulping once more before asking him, “You’re okay with this though?”

Xiaojun smirks, “How can I say no to you?” he asks back, accompanied by a few ‘ayyy~’ from the boys, sending butterflies to your stomach. Your face is probably as red as a tomato by now.

Good god. Is this the same Xiaojun who is quiet, calm, and collected among his friends? Why suddenly he is so bold? Oh, he’s probably just drunk and won’t remember this kiss anyway.. You lean closer to him, closing the gap between his face and yours by sealing the kiss. His lips are soft yet firm, almost like a grape jelly you had earlier this afternoon, with a hint of vodka, of course.

After a few seconds, you finally pull out and linger your eyes on him. It’s beautiful, and mesmerizing. You just wish that you can see it again, and only for you, no one else. As you get back to your seat, you take one more last glance at him, that is currently also glancing at you, with his cheeks red.

Okay. You definitely heard the wedding bells, thanks Jeno. That’s probably one of your dreams, and thanks to Jeno, it came true. But unfortunately, Xiaojun probably won’t feel the same, or worse, he’ll probably forget about it tomorrow.

Everyone claps, exchanging happy exclaims and cheers as if you just said ‘I do’ to Xiaojun lol, when in reality, you were just doing the dare Jeno gave you. You gulp bitterly as the game goes on and on.

-----

It’s an hour past midnight, 1.12 AM to be exact. Thank god you’re not that shitfaced, but Yeri is. She is not even capable of doing anything anymore except being all smiley and shit, Changbin already drove her home like fifteen minutes ago, leaving you behind in Lucas’ lair. You suddenly felt the urge to thank god that Yeri made a fantastic decision last minute before picking you up, she used a taxi instead of driving. If she hadn’t, you’re probably stuck driving her home right now.

You scan through the house while leaning through the stair railings, looking for an easy target to get a free ride. Finally spotted your friends, you now have 3 choices : Donghyuck (who is currently seducing some random girl), Yangyang (who is now playing mobile games with Jaemin and Chenle), or Mark (who recently just hit a goddamn blunt, but he’s very capable to drive).

You sip your glass of water, making up your mind for your ride home. But then, suddenly someone taps on your shoulder.

“Do you wanna go home? Like, right now? I can drive you- I mean, our house is like, near.” you hear Xiaojun speaking to you, holding his car keys on his left hand.

Good gracious, is this even real? Like, Xiaojun, is actually asking you to go home with him? Is this real? Or are you just hallucinating from the goddamn weed you take 10 minutes ago from Lucas?

You stare at him blankly. He bit his lip, “I mean- If you wanna stay longer- or probably-”

“Yes, of course! Let’s go.” you smile at him, cutting off his words.

3 times in a day. Good job, Y/n! The wedding is up ahead!

He smiles and gives you a gesture, “Ladies first.”

-

The drive is not as awkward as you thought. Turns out, Xiaojun is full of surprise though, you nearly choked when he said he once formally apologized to Doyoung before he stood up to defend the dignity of Mint Chocolate Chip flavored ice cream. It’s delightful to find out that he has similar tastes as you, from ice cream flavor to music and school subjects.

Xiaojun also told you the reason why he was on the run earlier, he was bored. Damn, look at it, the difference between a forced daughter whose mum wants an active child, and a bored model-student. He said he didn’t expect to see you because he was embarrassed, he was drenched in sweat.

You can feel the butterflies on your stomach grow wilder and wilder from every word he said, or maybe it’s just the way he smiles when he talks to you? Welp, if it’s anything to do with Xiaojun, you’ll most likely get butterflies.

Just when you thought he was drunk, he is not. He’s capable of driving you home and carrying on some fun convos, also remembering little things. So.. perhaps, he is not going to forget the kiss you shared because of Jeno’s dare?

As you keep on exchanging conversation with him, suddenly it’s time to get off his car and get back to your house, get ready to deal with Doyoung’s nags and scolds for getting home this late.

You giggle as you take the seat belt off, smiling at the brown haired boy.

“Thank you for driving me home, Xiaojun. It was fun.” you say to him, waving him goodbye as you open the door. He smiles and waves back at you.

Just when you’re about to open the gate of your house, you hear the sound of slamming car doors. You turn around and see Xiaojun standing in front of you, eyes sparkling like a goddamn star. Unfortunately, it’s not Christmas.. If it is, all you want for Christmas is to stare at Xiaojun’s beautiful eyes all day, and probably get married to him.

“Um.. Y/n.. I don’t know how to say this but.. The kiss you gave me earlier, it’s kinda..” he starts, smiling sheepishly.

Oh god, what now? It’s kinda what? Gross? You swear you’ll kill Jeno if you hear that from Xiaojun.

You gaze at him as you wait for him to complete his sentences.

“It’s kinda.. Making me feel.. Things.” he finally continues, rubbing the back of his neck while looking away from you, flustered. It’s pretty cute.

You giggle at him a little, the butterflies come back, or maybe they never even left?

“Don’t laugh, Y/n. I’m being honest, I was pretty embarrassed to run into you during sheltering, and now you’re laughing at me for-”

You let out a big laugh before you pull him to another kiss. This one is a bit longer, more passionate and intimate, unlike the one you had before. He cups your cheek as you feel him smiling during the kiss.

“I’m sorry if I invaded your privacy- but your fast typing was very.. Intriguing.. I might’ve seen you texting Yeri at the bus stop.” he giggles after you pull out from the kiss.

Yikes. You feel like you’re about to burst now. He saw you texting Yeri? What kind of clownery is this? Did he see you typing- oh god, that’s too embarrassing to remember.

“No! That’s too embarrassing!” you cover your face, he laughs once more.

“Now, which church are we going to? I’m pretty sure you said we’re getting married tonight, right?” he takes your hands off your face, grinning widely.

You pout and lightly hit him, only to be attacked by his hugs a second later. Aww, finally, dreams do come true. You stay on his embrace for a few more minutes, no talking, just comfortable silence and realization that you’re on Xiaojun’s arms right now.

You glance at your watch, Doyoung would be furious by now. Telling him that you really have to go before Doyoung can rise from his sleep and beat your ass, you finally wave goodbye to him as he gets back to his car.

Finally entering the house, you’re greeted by Doyoung who’s standing in front of you, holding a bowl of salad on his right hand.

“So, kissing Xiaojun in front of my salad?” he raises his eyebrow.

You stick out your tongue as you make your way upstairs. Technically, not in front of Doyoung’s salad, because the door was closed. He’s probably looking through the window, such a nosy brother. You laugh at the thought of Doyoung getting furious while eating his salad as you get a message.

Xiaojun : so, see you at school? Xiaojun : can’t wait to hold your hand on monday ;)

[apenapaperandadoofus]

V’s Route but MC fell in love with Seven instead of V. What would it be like? What about twins reunion in this circumstances?

Ohh this is AMAZING and I love it, I actually wanted to write a fic about that lol (also I’m sorry it became like a whole fucking book at the end lmao)

Also I don’t know if it’s canon that he had feelings for the MC on V’s route and I accept it as canon because I like to suffer pft

Let’s assume this takes place in more than three days! And I added some bits of Saeran’s route too so you know, make it ✨DRAMATIC✨

-

-

-

First he’d be suspicious of you, but he doesn’t want to show it and I just ADORE that idea

Seven would joke around with the you while sneakily trying to figure out some info, but then you will turn it on him somehow, you will start to get serious and then BAM say it was a joke, or you’ll suddenly flirt with Seven which will make him go like ‘oh shit who gave you the right’

So the first days, you and Seven would probably joke around a lot in the chatrooms, at points you’d have serious talks.

I like to think that at one point Seven calls you when it’s late, and he starts talking about the stars, so you go out to your little balcony (lets just assume the room has a balcony lmao) and then you look up at the stars. And Seven gets super emotional but he can’t really explain why to you. But you don’t ask him to explain. You listen, and comfort him.

Then you will say something like at that one phone call “I want to grab all the stars from you” (not a direct quote) and Seven will be shocked and speechless. And that’s when he realizes. He’s in love with you.

But he knows that maybe V is falling a little for you too, he just doesn’t realize it yet. And V has done so much for him and Saeran, that he doesn’t want to intrude.

Besides, he doesn’t want you to get hurt. So he stops appearing in the chatroom so often and he never really answers your calls.

Then Ray took you to his room to take the elixir, and that’s when V came in like NO YOU DONT and it makes Ray break a bit.

But he breaks more when he figures out what’s happening. He’s heartbroken.

At one point he takes you out to the garden and tells you that he actually likes you a lot, and he holds you very close to his heart. And you reply that you too, but not in a romantic way, subtly rejecting his advances. Before you could explain to Ray, he runs away.

He’s never felt so much anger in his entire life.

Seriously he’s mad.

I mean, you’re the first person he has ever felt he actually loved...but you still chose that idiot over him!

He knows how much you like talking to him, he sees the little smile you make when you text him or call him, talking about spaceships and the stars, and who knows what else.

And at this makes him weak. Rika takes that chance to let Saeran out. He’s vulnerable and broken, and it’s the perfect chance.

Meanwhile V is trying to figure out how to get you out of there and Rika takes the chance that Saeran is making you weak to try and convince you to join Mint Eye.

She tells him to completely block your access, and, even if Saeran doesn’t want to, she forces him to bring you to her room.

There, she gives you a bit of food, and talks about her devil, but you keep defending V and the RFA. She tells you how she wants to make weak people happy, and how to get everyone in the RFA into Mint Eye.

You refuse, but Rika keeps trying to lure you in. At one point the two of you walk to the garden.

While you’re talking, you successfully do get some information out of her. Shes telling you a story about two boys, twins. They were from a broken family. Their dad wasn’t interested in them, wanted to ge them killed even, and their mom was an abusive alcoholic. One of them was strong, and the other one was a bit weaker. So once , when the strong one left, she took the weaker one, and made him the strongest.

You were...confused to say the least. And you were worried.

“So what happened to the two boys?” You asked.

But before Rika could answer a shadowy figure with mint colored hair made its way to you.

It was V.

Both Rika and V bickered for a while, but before you could pay attention to them you saw your phone blink. You quickly picked it up.

Seven.

“Hey, Y/N,.......stay right there. I managed....now I can track you......pleas....safe....”

“Seven?!” But before you could say anymore, the call ended. You looked up to see V being taken away by two men in cloaks.

“Wait! What do you even think you’re doing?!” You asked, but Rika glared at you and tightly grabbed your hand, leading you once again to her room.

You were extremely worried. And Rika hated it. She hated how you didn’t understand, how you couldn’t see her point of view. She was mad, but she was trying to keep her cool.

Until you stood up, and confidently asked her to take you to V.

She was outraged. How could you still believe in him, defend him, when this was all his fault?! Why can’t you see she’s in the right?!

When you got into the cell, you saw Saeran...or was it Ray?

He was...he was acting strangely. When he saw you he shoved you into the cage, and locked it, but his face was one of guilt.

“I....Y/N....I....I....” he panted, and he looked around the room anxiously.

He was having a panic attack.

“Hey, hey, Ray listen-”

“Don’t call me that!!! That weakling he’s...he’s dead!!!” But then he stopped and his eyes widened. “N-no...I...Y/N...how could I do this....? I....” before he could say anything he ran away.

Fuck.

When you turned around, you saw V was laying, a bit unconscious on the ground. You quickly ran over to him, and tried your best to take care of him. He was sweating like crazy, and his words were slurred, so you couldn’t make sense of what he was saying.

After a few hours, you had fallen asleep, with V laying on your knees. You were finally getting some rest when....

“Y/N!!” Someone whispered (more like yelled.)

And you looked up.

Messy red hair....stripped glasses....that voice....

“S-Seven?!”

He nodded and looked over at V. He felt a pang in his chest as he saw how close you were, I mean he was laying on your lap. But he ignored it. He had to get the two of you out of there first.

Both of you helped getting V to stand up. Seven held V up, and told you to follow him.

But then you felt someone grab your hand, holding you tight and you yelped. Seven immediately turned, and put his hands in this pockets, ready to probably take out a weapon of some sort.

You struggled as you looked at the person who was holding you.

Ray.

“Y/N. Where are you going? Why are you with that...that traitor? You promised me you would never leave me, you said that you would never leave me!!”

“Saeran...Ray, please listen to me. This is not safe, Rika is using you, please come with us, you can finally get rest, you can be free and!” But Saeran held you tighter.

Seven almost dropped V. He looked at Saeran up and down, his face filled with shock.

“Sae....ran...? Did they call you Saeran...?”

“My my. This isn’t how I intended your reunion to go. Now look what you’ve done V. I hope you’re proud of yourself.” A sinister voice said behind Saeran.

Seven became even more pale. “Ri....ka...? But...V said....you’re supposed to....”

“I see you’ve fallen for all his lies Saeyoung. Well, this just makes things easy for me. V lied about everything, about me, about Saeran. Do you know see him for what he is?? A liar. He didn’t want me, to be happy, to help others become happy, his love shone so bright, that it burned me. He didn’t want to love me, all of me! V is a traitor, and now I’ve come to take you out of that hell and bring you to paradise...!”

Saeyoung (?) looked at V. And then at Rika. And then at V once again. He...he didn’t know what to believe anymore...what the fuck was going on??

Then, V stirred and slowly looked up towards Rika.

“Rika....I’m really sorry. About all this, about everything. This was not how I wanted things to end...but you have to let it go...please. The love I gave you...it...it wasn’t real. We have to be honest Rika. We found comfort in each other, we used each other to try and fill the empty void we have. But it wasn’t the right thing...instead of healing, it destroyed us even more...”

“What are you saying V? Our love was real. You just didn’t give me enough, you didn’t love all of me.”

V sadly shook his head. “No Rika...I’m sorry. I...it wasn’t real. I didn’t love you. I was just looking for comfort, for someone to-”

“LIAR! LIAR LIAR! OUR LOVE WAS REAL V! IT WAS, I FELT IT!!! How could you...how could you even say that...it was real...it was all real it was real...” Tears started streaming down her face. Saeran quickly turned around and held you even tighter.

“HEY! The intruders are here! Come get them immediately!” He screamed. A few believes started coming down the stairs, and Saeran laughed maniacally, telling you that you were all finally going to get what you deserved.

Saeyoung finally snapped back to his senses. He was confused, of course, but right now you were in danger. “Saeran...please let them go...”

Saeran laughed. “Yeah right. No way I’m letting them get away with you. I finally have something  you really want...and I’ll make sure to make it impossible for you to get it back...”

Fuck fuck fuuuuck.

You sighed and looked at Saeran.

“The fuck you looking at? You want to plead for your life maybe? Hahaha that’s hilarious. After all this I’ll make you my toy. You’ll never be able to get out of your room, and I’ll slowly watch as you break down, and that the only thing you feel is pain.”

“No Saeran...I’m...I’m sorry for this...”

Before Saeran could even ask you what the fuck you were doing, you bit him.

Hard.

Seven and V watched you in surprise, but they snapped out of it once they heard you yell RUN and when they saw the believers following after you.

Seven carried V, and every five seconds he would look behind him to check you were fine. Saeran and the believers were behind you, and they kept coming closer and closer. You managed to finally get out of the building, and Seven screamed at you to get in the car, but before you could do so, Saeran appeared in front of you, blocking your path once again and laughing maniacally.

Of course that was before you heard a zap and he dropped to the ground.

A man with longish brown hair appeared behind him, an annoyed look on his face and he motioned for you to follow him.

You all got into the car and quickly drove away from the place. Seven was driving, while you were in the backseat with V and the mysterious man was in the front seat. He was grumbling a lot, and he kept cursing at Seven for making them come out all this way, that he had no business in this whole affair and that Seven just had to drag his fucking ass over here. He also promised to overwork him like hell when they came home.

After a few hours, you made it to this cabin hidden in the woods. All of you made your way out and helped place V on the bed.

It was about 2am. You were tired and hungry.

Thankfully both Seven and Vanderwood (that’s what he was called) gave you a few snacks. They stayed in the living room space while you sat besides V’s bed, trying to nurse him, and you also texted the RFA, trying to explain everything that was going on.

At one point you may have fallen asleep. But when you woke up it was almost 4am. You went out to the living room where you only found Vanderwood on the couch, smoking.

“Umm...Mr. Vanderwood?”

He sighed and looked up from his computer.

“What?” He asked.

“Uhm...I just wanted to know where Seven was? Is he in the kitchen?”

He shook his head. “He went outside for a bit, that little brat. I’m not complaining though, since I finally get to have a smoke.”

You nodded and went outside.

It was chilly. The sky was cloudy.

You walked straight ahead, and after a few minutes, when you were about to give up,you found him.

He was sitting on the ground, in front of a beautiful pond. He was currently throwing rocks, trying to make them skip, but he failed. So many times.

You sat next to him, but he didn’t even look at you.

Honestly neither of you had talked much. It was sort of awkward, after all, before you literally got locked in a cell and everything, he had ignored you the whole time.

“Uhm...Seven...”

No answer. But you still wanted to figure out what had happened back there. Why was he so shcoked when he found Saeran, and why did Saeran hate him so much?

“I...wanted to ask something. How do you...know Ray..uhm, well...Saeran? Was he close to you? And why does he...why does he want to hurt you...? And...why did Rika call you Saeyoung?”

Seven sighed, and you looked at him.

Actually....looking at him from this angle....

You slowly reached out your hand, startling Sven, but you slowly took off his glasses. He looked at you.

And then you realized....

“The...The twins from that story....it was you guys...his name is Saeran, and yours is Saeyoung...”

Saeyoung glared at you.

“Hmph. Seriously. I’m the one who should be asking the questions here...!! But...it’s not all your fault...it’s V’s...you just got dragged into this whole mess for no reason. Ugh, how dumb to you have to be for this to happen?”

Saeyoung said, angrily as he grabbed his glasses and put them back on. You were taken aback.

“E-excuse me? Saeyoung what do you.-”

“Don’t call me that! Seriously you come waltzing around, let someone take you to a place you don’t know, then you play along with what they tell you! Do you have a death wish?! And now you’re coming here and trying to get into my stuff! Don’t do that. Go away and mind your own business, you have nothing to do with this.” He stood up and cleaned imaginary dust from himself. You stood up too.

“Well, I want to help. I may not have been a part of this at the beginning, but I am now, and I want to do everything I can and help you all. Especially you and your brother, what Rika did was awful! And Saeran, he’s being exploited, he can’t be there anymore he will end up breaking sooner or later!!”

“Jesus fucking christ! Just shut up! Why don’t you just call someone, a friend or maybe your family or something, and leave. I’m serious, you can’t be here anymore. Now go back and take care of V. Maybe once this is all over you can go and ask him out.” He grumbled.

“Wha...ask V out? I-Seven I don’t like him! Besides weren’t you just telling me to leave a few seconds ago? I don’t get what you’re even trying to say!”

“Yeah right. I mean this whole time you’ve been flirting with him, and you’ve spent the whole time by his side!”

“Yes, because I want to help Saeyoung. Seriously what’s up with you, I’ve never seen you like this before!! If it’s about Saeran we can get him back, but please let me help!”

“Why are you still insisting on that!!! Stop being so freaking stubborn and leave!”

“NO!” You screamed. You wanted to cry. You wanted to...yell.

Maybe even punch him. Or at least throw some pie in his face.

“You have nothing to do with this!!! WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!”

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SAEYOUNG! And I-I want to protect everyone, I want to protect you, the RFA,your brother! PLEASE, let me...let me help you all....”

Saeyoung looked at you, with his mouth open. You sniffed and tried to wipe the tears off your face.

Silence

Saeyoung slowly walked towards you, stopping mere inches away from your face.

“You...you love me...?” He asked.

You nodded and gently pushed him. “Which is why it hurts to see you say all those things you dumbass. I want to be there for you. For all of you.”

“Heh, the dumbass here is you. I...you know I’m dangerous right? I mean, do you even get the work I do? You could end up hurt...” he looked at the ground.

“I don’t care Saeyoung. As long as I get to be with you....I really love you, you know....and once all of this is over, and we get Saeran...I want to spend the rest of my time with you....”

Saeyoung looked at you and gently moved a strand of your hair away from your face. He smiled.

“Seriously...do you even know what you’re saying? You’re going to have to put up with a lot, you know.”

You smiled back. “I know. And I don’t care about how hard it gets, I’ll be with you the whole time.”

Saeyoung laughed. “That’s what she said.”

Before you could scream at him for that horrible joke he just said, Saeyoung grabbed you and kissed you; holding you tight. The kiss was messy, desperate, the two of you wanting more of each other.

But you pulled away when you heard your phone ring.

V was awake!

Saeyoung smirked and whispered you were going to continue later, and he grabbed your hand and quickly brought you to the cabin.

-

-

- So the whole thing became a bit of a blur.

V woke up, and he explained everything to you.

Saeyoung was mad. Really mad. You had to try and calm him down.

That night, when V went away for a walk and Vanderwood was in the other room, resting, Saeyoung explained to you more in depth about his situation. He told you about his father, a well known politician, and about his mom, how she would just drink and drink, and use him and his brother as blackmail.

He told you about his relationship with V and Rika. You immediately understood why he was angry at V. I mean, the man took his brother and then kind of helped his fiancée make him an angry ball of hate.

That wasn’t good.

You also explained about mint eye. Saeyoung was honestly heartbroken.

Your conversation was cut short though, as Vanderwood, who had at one point left to take a smoke, came back with a wounded V.

He had been stabbed.

All of you rushed to the hospital. On the way there, you got a phone call from Saeran, who was crying.

And he said....he said goodbye.

“Wait, Saeran, please wait!!!” But the call ended.

Saeyoung looked at you with a worried expression, and as soon as you dropped V off at the hospital, (where Jumin was waiting btw) Saeyoung got on the car. You got on after him, and he told you to leave, that it was fine. But you shook your head. You were going to do this together.

Saeyoung drove so fucking fast. He was nervous. You were too.

Then, as you came close to Mint Eye...you heard a loud bang, and you saw an explosion going off a few miles in front of you.

Saeyoung and you were speechless. You made your way to where Mint Eye was supposed to be, but you only found dust and debris.

You spent the whole night looking.

But you couldn’t find anything.

-

-

-

Thankfully, a few years later V had recovered. He was traveling around the world. Rika was caught and she got sent to a mental institution.

You never found Saeran’s body.

It was tough.

The first few weeks he didn’t talk at all. I mean, the encounter that he had with his brother after about 8 years was one where Saeran just hated him.

It hurt. Knowing that Saeyoung wasn’t able to explain everything, to beg for forgiveness.

Saeyoung was absolutely devastated. Thankfully, you were always there for him.

You stood beside him on all his sleepless nights, and whenever he had a panic attack you were there to comfort him.

Even if it hurt, Saeyoung was slowly recovering. A few months ago he managed to get out of the house. And he formally asked you out.

You were finally settling down. Some days would be hard, others not so much. But you always stood by his side.

At about your third RFA party, V suddenly appeared!

Everyone was happy and pretty shocked too!

Saeyoung didn’t want to say hi, so he sulked on the side.

But then, behind V came out a figure...a figure that you recognized.

“SAERAN!” You screamed and you ran over to him, giving him a big hug. Saeran was startled at first, but he slowly wrapped his arms around you and rubbed circles on your back while you sobbed.

Saeyoung he...he dropped his glass filled with PhD Pepper.

When you let go of Saeran, his twin quickly walked over to him, speechless.

“Saeyoung...”

Before Saeran could say anything though, his twin quickly held him tight. The two of them were sobbing, and Saeran hugged his brother back too.

It was beautiful.

After that, Saeran started living with the both of you. He apologized to you many times, but you told him that it was fine, that you should focus now on the present.

Saeran had such a soft spot for you, sometimes he’d get a bit cranky with Saryoung though, but it was funny lol.

He made a garden, and every day the three of you watched movies while eating ice cream, sometimes Vanderwood even joining you!

Thankfully Saeyoung had managed to get them out of the whole agency thing, so they were just chilling.

AsforV, thankfully he got the help he needed, along with all of the RFA members (though they would sometimes come to you.)

In the end, all of you ended up living happily...ever....after

I’m sorry pft

The end!

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Life After Snowpiercer: Finally Free

Summary- 6.2k. Matt is finally contained and you have a moment. Curtis taking control of the situation and starting to step into his role of the leader of this new group with the help of Edgar. Maybe some trauma warnings? violence. 

Chapter 8 / Masterlist 

Oh Fuck

Matt stumbled back and behind Matt the front end lifted there rifles, the audible sound of clicks sounding down the line, but Matt held up his hand to stop them, Claude rushing to his side and he spat out a mouthful of blood, smirking as it smeared across his lips and around his nose. “Enjoy that Curtis, only one your getting.” 

“Well fucker you should watch your mouth. Its your god damn sister your talking to like that.” Curtis spat out, and Matt rolled his eyes at him. Claude handed Matt a cloth, him wiping his face clear and tossing it back to Claude instead of handing it to her. Your eyes narrow at the dick move he just did. That little shit! It was hard for you to accept what your brother had become in the years hes been gone. 

“Fucking hell Curtis, you are so. FUCKING. STUPID.” Matt stressed, shaking his head. “I told Wilford you were a waste of resources when he got it in his head to make you the next Minister of the train. You still think its all about working together, family, friends, blah blah blah. I told you before you can have so much more. We all can have so much more. People had it good on the train.” He looked over his shoulder at the group supporting him. “Wanna know why? Cause they fucking listen and know whos in charge. Took care of them. Now... enough of this shit.” He looked past Curtis at the large group standing behind him, the last of the end of the train. They took the worst of it, but there was still more then the people supporting Matt. Ultimately they were survivors. 

“So heres my deal, join me or die.” Matt grinned, rolling a shoulder up in a sorry. “Those we dont kill will be banished to go out onto the snow and ice alone. So who wants to stand a chance at least?” He looked so cocky standing there that if infuriated you, after all of it, all the years of pain and guilt you felt, it all bubbled up to escape in a ear shattering scream. The sound piercing like a siren, jarring Curtis next to you in shock and Matt took a step back towards Claude. The only one who had frame of mind to take advantage of the momentairy confusion was Edgar, giving off a war cry of his own and it just surged them all forward. Curtis himself was pushed forward and loosing his hold on you. There was a clash of metal on metal, those that carried axes smashing against rifles,people screaming, guns firing. 

Curtis pushed through the people but couldnt see a sign of you, feeling himself being tackled, he swung the axe he carried behind him and felt the thud of it sinking in a body, jerking it loose, he swung the gun he did have off his shoulder, and looked to find Johanna. She had the sniper skills to use this thing that he simply didnt. Quickly looking around, he spotted her not to far away. Currently Johanna was unarmed, using some trained skills she possessed, fuck she fights like Grey, slamming her hand against the mans nose to whip his head back, covering her in blood. In another barely to be seen move, her hand slams against the windpipe and he goes down, gasping, trying to drag air through what Curtis now assumes is crushed. “Jo! Heads up!” 

Giving a toss, Johanna reached up and grabbed it, checking to see if there was ammo in it. She glanced at Curtis who pointed to the top of the train car. She gave a understanding nod and scrambled for the train, dodging people and launching herself up a ladder. Higher ground, good girl. Curtis thought as he hefted his ax and went into the mess of it, still looking for you as he repeatedly hacked at those around him. “Y/N!” He roared while pushing through, where the hell were you, Y/N? Edgar came up beside him, both men panting from the exertion, Edgar still healing from his last ax fight, and Curtis had busted ribs and a half mangled arm. “You seen Y/N?” Curtis focus at this point is locating you, and he gave a shake of his head. “No man, I thought she was with you!” 

How you got seperated from Curtis you didnt know, one moment your senses were swarming as you couldnt stay focused, the building up screaming from your lungs to dodging clashing axes and firing rifles. You scrambling to find a way out, not having any way to defend yourself when you feel a set of hands grabbing you by the collar of your coat, strands of your hair getting caught and ripping out. “Stop!” you scream as you get slammed against a chest, snarling in your ear “There you are sister dear, his prized bitch.” 

“Matt stop! fucking hell let me go” You try twisting out of his hold, but hes got you tight, Claude following along behind as he drags you with him. “Curtis! CURTIS! COME AND GET HER!” Claude has a rifle pointed right at you, snickering at the sight of you in her crosshairs. “Everybody fucking STOP!” Matt yelled right near your ear, leaving your head throbbing and your hearing buzzing. You try to twist out of his hold again, reaching behind you to try and claw at his hand in the collar of your jacket, but he gave you a whiplashing shake to stop you, kicking the back of your thighs till you went to your knees, “Come get your little cunt whore before Claude decides to get trigger happy again.” 

Curtis and Edgar were scanning the crowd when Edgar saw Matt kick you down, grabbing Curtis coat to get his attention and he whipped around to see where you were, your fighting against it, but Matts got you twisted around, yanking you back and forth, and Edgar grabs Curtis coat to keep him from lunging in someones line of fire. “Fucking let her go!” Curtis rages out. Matts voice screamed over the din, and people pulled away from each other when they saw what was going on, The casulties scattered in the pink red snow all around them, but that wasnt what Curtis was seeing. No, he saw Claude looking right down the barrel at your head. And that alone spurred Curtis into action, covering the distance with long gaited steps, the bloodied ax at his side rolling in a complete circle with a twist of his wrist to test his maneuverability to put force behind his swing, Matt smirked coldly at Curtis, thinking he had gotten the better of him. How wrong he was. 

“Better stop right there, or else I blow her pretty little head off” Matt snickered, and wavered a bit when Curtis didnt slow down. “Shit Claude!, shoot him!” The man suddenly coward, yanked you back to your bottom, dragging you backwards, making you yelp at the sudden sting. Claude swung towards Curtis, who was close enough now to see the promising smirk on his face, that cold steel blue glint of his eyes. Claudes finger started to squeeze the trigger on the man who promised her death in a single look. You started screaming, kicking your heels into the snow and twisting to wrench Matts hold loose. “Curtis! CURTISSS! You fucker, lemmego!” your words are spat out run together, and your shoulder hits your brother in the stomach, making him drop you. And all you can do is see your lover in the aim of fire, and for the second time in days you swear your going to see his head get blown apart. 

Claude never gets the chance to squeeze, a POP and shes jerked backwards into a heap, and your looking around wildly, now sobs escaping you as all your fears are dashed again, looking up, you see Johanna sit up from the top of the train, giving a thumbs up to Curtis, who nods in anowledgment, and turns towards the two of you, your trying to ungtangle yourself to a stand, and Matt is looking over at Claude, in horror. The woman stared up wide eyed, but unseeing. She was dead before she even hit the ground. Matt steps a few steps back, and then bolts as if he had somewhere to go. Curtis doesnt even care anymore, rolling his shoulder and throwing his ax after the fleeing man, your hands come to your mouth in shock, wide eyed following the way its spinning.

It does nothing more then trip him up, tangling in his legs, and he landed hard on the ice. Two tail enders had bolted after him, jerking him to a stand, and those remaining front enders set down any weapons, and backing away with hands up. Curtis rushes towards you and falls to his knees in front of your, grasping your face in his hands searching you. “God your okay, right? Y/N, tell me your okay.” Your nodding in his hold, shaking. It was all to much, so much, and his arms fold you in close so you can press your face in his chest, sobbing. “Curtis I cant, I cant keep doing this...” he knows, your eyes we're pleading for it to stop and this was what Curtis had feared, you seeing Matt after all this time. It was just like all those years ago, where you shut down on him.."hey I got you, I got you" He drew you in, whispering it in your ear. No one said a thing, all of the survivors, prisoners remained silent at the couple. Not all of them could understand what was happening, but none would dare defy Curtis in this moment. His hands rubbed you deeply and when you quieted, he lifted you away from his chest to look down, checking you over. “Just a little more, okay babygirl? I really need you with me right now.” 

Your listening, sniffling to yourself, and under his hands you started to calm from your panic attack, his voice was deep and soothing, and selfishly you didnt want it to stop, but you nodded, and he kissed your neck, his voice soft as he spoke against your ear. “Good girl, come on.” And he pulled away, holding his hand out to help you to a stand. A bit shaky, you brush the snow off your pants, and his arm is around you, till hes sure your steady. “Wait here” he rumbles out and heads over to where Claude is laying, his hand reaching to close her eyes and collecting the rifle she had aimed at him, he shouldered it. Let her stay here, the snow and ice could claim her now, his strides long and ground eating the return to you, and tucked you against his side, leading you towards the train. 

The group of remaining tail enders gathered the discarded weapons, and Edgar pulled up alongside Curtis “What do you want us to do with these people?” 

Matt was being trussed up with chains someone had found on the train, he hissed at Curtis and you, fear, anger, hatred all aimed at the two of you. "I swear it, you will pay for what you did to Clau-" a rag firmly stuffed in his mouth, cutting off his words.

Hard blue eyes stared Matt down till the man glanced away, weakly jerking his shoulders as if to try and escape. Curtis resisted the urge to kick him while he was down, having no sympathy for Matt's loss. Claude threatened you, she got lucky her death was that quick. His hold tightened slightly around you as the two of you stepped away.

Curtis looked over the group they just disarmed, most of them looked lost, and unsure of what to really do as they were herded together. Silent You watch them willingly gather together, ready to accept whatever they are told. Your hand tugs on Curtis shirt to get his attention as he to is seeing what you were. “They were only following Matt cause they needed a leader, look at them. They need help.” Your face was still red from earlier, your eyes puffy. Before we take care of them, I need to take care of you. Curtis nodded and pressed his lips against the top of your head. “We will, but not till were sure about them.” 

“Pick a car, and put someone to guard entrances and exits, and him.... “ he gestures towards Matt, whos been dragged along behind them, feeling you tense up next to his side at what his next words would be. “Secure him in one of these rooms alone, I will deal with him later. Everyone else, get them inside, settled in. Kids need to be fed, the sick need a place to recover. I will come find you in a bit.” Edgar nodded, and turned away, rallying everyone up. Curtis continued to lead you up the stairs to one of the cars, hoping it was one that had the small apartment rooms in it. 

“Curtis wait, what do you mean deal with him?” You try to get him to stop as he led you down the narrow hall with a gentle tug of your hand, Curtis wouldnt be deterred even though you tried to get him to answer you. He shoved open doors to various different rooms till he found one that seemed to fit what he wanted. Leading you inside, he loosened his hold and searched while you stood there, shaking slightly, your nerves, shot. Seeing Matt and the long hike here had exhausted you to almost breaking. 

“Just as I said Y/N, I was going to deal with him.” He stepped out of the small bathroom the room had and pulled the rifle off his shoulder and set it near the door, turning back towards you to rub your arms. “and right now, youve had enough.” He drew you to sit on the edge of the seating area and you looked up at him with a look he was familiar with. One that was ready to challenge him. 

“You cant kill him Curtis.” Your eyes narrow at him as he shakes his head at you. Seeing that shake of the head, you grab his coat to keep him from pulling away. So tired, you were just entirely drained and you couldnt bare the thought of him going to take another life, any life. Youve had enough of worrying and trying to hold everyone together, finding out some hard truths, not to mention the abuse you were still sore from. You felt like all youve done was cry and breakdown. Enough was enough. You just wanted him to stay with you, Please dont go. 

Curtis moved to a kneel in front of you and unbuttoned your coat, swift fingers taking you apart in a intimate caring way that he needed to take care of you. Letting him, cause he was trying to ease you, and it kept him busy so you could study his next answer. “Promise me Curtis.” 

“No, Y/N, I cant and you know that. If he is a danger to you, or anyone else on this fucking train, im not going to hesitate to end him.” his eyes avoided yours for a moment, until his hands drew into your coat to ease it away, looking up at you finally. He could see the tears still brimming softly and his hand lifted to use the pad of his thumb to wipe it away. “Baby, you know Im not gonna do anything unless there was a real danger, Okay, trust me.” He huffed that last part out, his thumbs sliding along your cheeks as he cupped your face to look at him, 

Giving a small nod, you had to trust him. Youve trusted him with your life all these years, and now it was Matts you trusted him with. “I do Curtis... and I know hes not okay. What happened to him?” Curtis hands moved to rest on your thighs, rubbing lightly back and forth as he listened to you, his eyes showing his own weariness. 

“Manipulation on Wilfords part... But I need you to stay here and just chill for a bit, okay?” he said and your brows furrowed at that, his hands tightening a bit on your thighs. “Your shaking, look at your hands.” You take a glance down, and without even knowing they were shaking, fists twisted in the sleeves of his jacket, white knuckled, and shaking uncontrolled. Loosening your hold, you pull them back and his hands encase yours. “Please, I will be back to check on you in a little bit. Just stay here till I make sure everything is settled.” You give a nod, it was easier to give him what he asks and Curtis gives a gentle smile, a silent thank you Babygirl. As he stands, he kisses your forehead. “I promise it wont be long” and he left you sitting there, in probably the nicest room you have seen in seventeen years, and you didnt know what to do in it besides sit there looking around. 

Curtis closed the door firmly behind him, taking a breath to steady himself. She will stay, cause I asked her to. Trusting that you would, he straightened out and strode down the train car to see others taking advantage of the rooms, exploring and shedding clothes, as it was still warm in here somehow, was that running water? A rushing sound above him made him look up, and a stretch of his good arm braced against one of the pipes running, and sure enough it hummed enough to tell him that there was running water. How in the hell? he wondered as he moved to leave that car and search out where the prisoners were taken, where Matt was placed. 

He didnt have to look far, as Edgar was talking to Johanna, who nodded at Edgars request. “Yea, that shouldnt be a problem, we can take some shifts on and off, there are others from my car who are just as sharp.” Before Curtis could even inquire, she took off, calling out a few names searching these people out. 

“What was that about?” Curtis asked and Edgar looked over his shoulder, turning towards his friend, and beckoning him to follow, well aware of what he needed to be filled in on. “People who can actually use these damn rifles. The front enders said that they are all here, but we dont know whos out there, who might be coming.” Curtis nodded, listening to Edgar, he was right, they really didnt know, not to mention the ex guards that tried shooting them all out earlier. “Where they stationed?” 

“Johanna will take care of all that, shes ex- military, and trained for this kind of shit. She was the one to actually bring it up to me first.” Edgar shrugged as he led them a few cars back and swung up. “I put the front enders in the car ahead, and Matt, well hes in this one. I figured you wouldnt want him near his group again and start some shit. So separated for now. Might be easier to bring him up to the luxury cars were gonna be staying in. Keep him under better surveillance.” 

There was a reason Edgar was Curtis right hand man in all this. The kid was smart, he was always thinking ahead, and Curtis was thanking all that was holy the kid survived. Darkening a bit remembering the circumstance, he pushed it away and gestured Edgar to bring him to Matt. There was the business of how big a threat was your brother going to be. Going back to a steel door, Edgar pushed it open, and inside was Matt along with a tail ender guarding him, bound and gagged, the man knelt in the center of the room. Curtis stepped towards him alone, The other two men holding back. Curtis didnt even bother to bring himself down to his level, his hand just fisted in the mans hair and tipped his head back. 

“Im gonna be real honest with you Matt, and only going to say this once. If I think your in any way a threat to these people, to your sister, I will slice your throat.” Matts eyes darkened and he gave a muffled response. Curtis jerked down the cloth enough so his mouth wasnt stuffed with it. “You wouldnt dare kill me, Y/N wouldnt let you. She would detest and hate you for the rest of her life.” Curtis gave a cold smile, and nodded. 

“I know, and yet I can live with her hating me if it meant you wouldnt hurt her, or any of us again. Its a life Im willing to live with.” Matts eyes looked doubtful at Curtis, but he stayed silent. “There is no situation here Matt where you win. So were going to do this my way. Lock and key, maybe in time you will get some freedoms. Maybe. Your ass has a long way to go if ever, and the only reason your still alive is because of Y/N. So better not piss her the fuck off, cause like I promised earlier, I have no problem killing you.”

“You going to end me like you did Claude? Shoot me without being able to defend myself.” He spat a bit. “You know Claude wasnt going to shoot Y/N, you think Im that heartless. Are you entirely sure that rifle wasnt loaded and just for show?” Matt smirked at Curtis in the smug way of his. “As you keep pointing out, she is my sister after all. I have some obligations to her safety after all.” 

“Claude was Wilford whore, and had Y/N in her sights. Im not fucking playing anymore of the games, yall had 17 years of it. Things are changing. You still have to prove you have any loyalties to her. So untill we decide if your even worth keeping around.” Curtis brought the rag back up to stuff it back into Matts mouth, his protests going muffled. “This is your life now.” Ripping his hand back to release the man, he fell back and Curtis turned away. Done with his shit for now. Leaving with Edgar, the door slammed shut, closing Matt in the dark once more to simply wait. 

“You think he is ever gonna come around?” Edgar asked as they left the car, Curtis feeling better knowing Matt was secure till he knew what the fuck to do with him. 

“Maybe? He was once one of us after all. Although hes spent more time in Wilfords care. Show me what else has been started.” 

The next hour Edgar showed him what they set up, people were setting themselves and family up in the luxury cars, beds, clothing. It was even found that they had things such as electricity and hot running water. “But how is this possible” Curtis asked, flicking the lights on and off in a empty room, Edgar shrugging next to him. “I have no idea, maybe someone in the front end knows how its running still now that the train has stopped.” 

“Start asking them, im not gonna look a gift like this in the mouth, but I would like to know how long it will last.” Curtis flicked off the lights again and they continued on. There was an extensive medical unit, that a few people occupied, including Sara who seemed even worst. Y/N is going to need to see to her soon, Curtis left her to her rest, the woman shaking endlessly. The kids all came tumbling down the aisle, laughing and seeming to play a game. Timmy, why he actually seemed normal once more. They half collided with Edgar and Curtis, weaving around the men. 

“Git on outta here you pains in the asses! I already told ya once this wasnt for running around in” Edgar yelled, Curtis drew away to where he saw Yona sitting near a window in one of the rooms. 

“Hey, you okay?” He asked the young woman. She broke out of her trance and smiled looking at Curtis. 

“Oh yes... just thinking. He didnt make it you know.” 

Curtis’s hand rested on her knee. “I know Yona, Im sorry. But I promise you always have a place here with us.” 

“He would have liked this, going outside. No more tail end, front end.”Tears of mourning formed in her eyes for her father, and Curtis to shared in her sorrow. The man was a pain in the ass, but he got them to the front, saved his life as well as his daughters. She turned to look at Curtis, a guarded expression on her face. “Its not over though, we have to be ready.” 

“Ready for what.?” 

“I dont know yet...” she drifted off and turned back to the window seeming to get lost in her thoughts. Edgar raised a brow at Curtis in question. Although Edgar thought she might have a few screws loose, Curtis had started to trust her instincts, to the point he took them to heart. She had been right several times, forewarning Curtis at various points. It sunk in what she was saying. “When you know more, let me know. And anything else Yona, if you need something ask for me. Okay?” She gave him a nod, and a reassuring smile, pushing against his good arm gently. “Go, she waits for you.” 

That made him smile, maybe you were feeling better. 

While Curtis was gone, you did everything you could to relax, but it just amped you up worst, tugging at your clothes as the room felt warm. Real warmth you werent used to. Piling most of your clothes in a chair, your mind just keeps going through the days events, and the one that was making you choke up, try not to cry was your baby brother. How could he be such a monster... You couldnt understand what happened, how he could ever become that. All those years of guilt bubbled in your chest, and it hurt. Fucking hurt that you werent able to protect him, and now if given the chance you were sure Matt would just kill you all. Or worst. The coldness in his eyes, glee filled when you had looked at him in fear. Whatever Wilford done, he killed the boy you knew. 

Sitting on the edge of the seating area, you drew your legs up and hid your face in your knees, waiting for Curtis to return. There was nothing else, no way to escape the thoughts swarming, there was no way to let yourself sink off into oblivion, which sounded like the greatest relief, although impossible, There was nothing more to do then wait for the next metaphorical axe to bury itself into you and your people, you lifted your head when you heard the door click to see Curtis return. 

A glance at your face showed that you hadnt truly calmed down since he left you in here, and shrugging off his coat and hat, he approached you and taking your hands, he brought you to a stand. Unfolding yourself, he waited until you were right in front of him and he wrapped his arms around you gentle to not make you pull back in fear like you have been doing and kissed your shoulder. “Theres hot water still, I want you to go take a shower, and tonight we will stay here.” 

“Hot water? How.... “ He shushed you and eased you into the bathroom. “Do as I say Baby” And he slipped the door half closed to give you privacy, and while you were undressing and testing the water, once it was full blast hot, you sunk into the stream of burning water with a sigh of relief. In the room, Curtis searched out the cupboards and found stuff of luxury they never had. Plush robes, more toiletries, some clothing, even a half full bottle of brandy that he took a swig off, and pocketed. Fuck that burned in all the best ways. He took the robe and set it on the bathroom counter, the room was full of steam, and he could see your silhouette swaying back and forth in the water. Fuck he wished he could join you, but not today. 

There was a knock on the door leading out of the room, and Curtis slipped the bathroom door shut further for your privacy before opening. It was Tam, and she had a bundle in her arms. “Whats all this Tam?” Curtis asked while stepping back to let her step inside, which she set it down, he could see food that they had packed up from there journey. She flipped open the blanket she carried it in so he could see properly. It was things like more crackers, and peanut butter. God damn peanut butter, now that was a sight for sore eyes. “I figured you were busy and needed to be fed.” 

“Thanks for this Tam, It was something I was going to go for next.” Curtis confessed and Tam smiled and patted his arm. 

“I know, figured I would save you two the hassle.” In the bathroom you cut the water and listened to the exchange before deciding it was safe to step out of the stall, on the counter you found a robe Curtis must have found, and wrapped yourself in it, waiting till you heard his “thank yous and I will come find you later” When you opened the door, he tilted his head, smiling at you. Consciously you tried to run your fingers through your hair. “Feeling a bit better?” He asked you and you nodded. Drawing you into his hold when he sat down, folding into his lap, he dragged the blanket over. 

“Look what Tam brought us... whens the last time we had something like Peanut Butter?” Your eyes widened as you picked up the plastic jar, rolling it in your hand. “Did you like it before the train?” Curtis asked as you pried off the top, a excited nod made him chuckle, and he took it from you to peel off the paper seal, and tipped it to you. “Go ahead, try some.”

“This used to be my favorite before, could eat it right off the spoon.” Your finger tip dragged through the smooth butter, and brought it to your lips, closing your eyes to savor it. Curtis wedged the jar in your lap and also pulled the sleeve of saltines over, using his teeth to split it open, and drag a cracker through the top and popped it in his mouth. It was fucking better then he remembered, and you did the same as he did. It was probably the best meal either of you shared, and before the end you two were laughing softly and feeding each other, until you shook your head. “I cant anymore... but thank you.” 

Cupping his face in your hands, you kissed him with a soft sigh passing between the two of you, soft kisses with peanut butter taste, you leaned your forehead against his for a minute. “Stay long enough till I fall asleep?” You ask when you pull back and screw on the top. You know that he wont be staying for a few nights all night until he was sure that you all were established safe. You wouldnt ask him to cause you know he would be torn between wanting to remain with you and going to be sure the rest were safe. 

“Of course, tomorrow I will find us a more suitable room. I dont think we could make this couch work, our bunk had a bit more room.” He confirms as you moved out of his lap and set the stuff Tam brought on the counter running along the opposite wall. This time you curl into his side so when you drifted off he could slip out, his hand trailing along your side while you settled in, your gaze looking out the windows the snow glowing from the incredibly bright stars overhead in the inky blackness. Letting yourself think about the day, relaxing from his touch, it was firm through the robes fabric. “How was it... your talk with Matt?”

Curtis had expected you to ask him, and he was silent a moment, not really wanting to break this first real at ease moment you two shared. But finally he spoke when you to remained silent, waiting for him. “I told him the way it was Y/N, that I cant tolerate danger to any of our people, and that until we all decide what we want to do with him, he will remain in his current predicament. Tied and gagged.” He felt you wince, but didnt protest to any of it.

“Do you think he will talk to me?” You ask next, tipping your head back to look up at Curtis. 

He swallowed and his face became guarded, it was no real secret he didnt want you going around Matt. His eyes fell down to you, and he knew he really couldnt keep you from your brother. “How about we take that one day at a time? Youve been through alot baby within these past few days.”

“Speaking of that... “ You shift enough to sit up next to him, rubbing your arm. “Curtis, there could be the very real possibility that im... “ Your hand moves to rest against your stomach. “I have no idea, and its not just me, there might be others.” Curtis jaw tensed thinking about what you were saying that your personal hell might have resulted in making a life. His hand moved over yours and he made eye contact, his words a promise. 

“Listen Y/N whatever you want to do, thats what we will do. You decide to have a baby should you be pregnant, then that will be my child to. If you decide that its not the right thing to do, we will figure that out to. They have an extensive hospital wing here, and possibly still a doctor. Im going to find out later if anyone is medically trained. As for the others, they will of course have the same choices. They are free to do what they need to.” 

You breathed out, one hand it was a relief that Curtis confirmed what you already suspected. “Even if its another mans baby?” 

“Of course, I dont care who the bastard biological father is, I cant say I would be a good dad by any means. But fuck if Im letting you do that alone. Especially since you should have never had that happen in the first place.” His face clouded, and you frowned, nudging his shoulder. “Hey! It isnt your fault, youve protected me more times then I can count in the tail end, and I made it out. We made it out. We will with this to, right?” 

You needed him to believe it, that it wasnt on him. He could lie to you about it, but not himself. He messed up, with you, Edgar, hell the train. Now they were stuck in who the fuck knows. But for now it all just simmered below the surface. “Get some sleep babygirl. We will take all this one day at a time.” 

You would have kept up the conversation till you heard the words, but it was hard to resist his request, but not to you placed a soft loving kiss on his lips, and rubbed your nose against his. “And Mr.Everett, you would make a perfectly fine Daddy, when the time comes.” He gave a doubtful grin and roll of his eyes. You can think that all you want, Curtis knew the truth. You would make a wonderful mother, regardless of all the times you claimed it wasnt for you, that the trains orphans were enough. Him though... he would just mess up any kid of his and this life, it was day to day survival. You settled down at his side, and his hand rested protectively against your hip, rubbing gently. 

When you finally drifted off, a few more regular nights, and Curtis suspected you would feel like yourself again. He eased gently away and shook out the blanket Tam brought, settling it over you. When he left, he collected the rifle he had left behind when they first settled in the room, and checked the rifle while walking down towards the exit. Just as Matt said, empty. Sighing to himself, he clicked it back together, and shrugged it off. Oh well, Claude had it coming. 

Edgar appeared at his side, and followed along once he saw Curtis. “Whats the next move?” 

“Were going to sort out our prisoner situation. First, this...” He motioned to the rifle he carried. “Lets store it away with the rest, we need to be careful with them, take inventory. See if they have some kind of bullet maker.” Curtis was thinking out loud while Edgar led him off the train and walked around small fires people built, Curtis suspected people couldnt stand the enclosed space anymore, and standing under the wide open sky, he inhaled the cold air deeply, counting his blessings. For the first time it really sunk in. 

They were free. Actually free from the tail end and Wilford. 

Tags-  @jtargaryen18 @what-is-your-plan-today @official-and-unstable-satan @p8tn0lish @stardancerluv @princess-evans-addict  @that-damn-girl @curtisbbq @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @thatweirdwalangpake @imanuglywombat @patzammit​

[polymathemawrites]

Restart in Recovery Mode Chapter Two

Cw: graphic descriptions of panic attacks, ptsd, severe trauma, depictions of injuries, drugs

Gordon gets a weed card (this isn’t as funny as it sounds)

20 Hours after Xen

He can't stand it, too bright, too much sun, and too much dog. He likes dogs, and now that Sunkist isn't a jpg he even likes him a lot more, albeit if he stares too long sometimes he does seem a little... flat... off in the distance. After the third dog licks his hand and reminds him he has a right hand, he has to sit down. It isn't his fault it's intimately ingrained in him to offer sniff-hand as dominant hand.

Tommy drifts onto the bench next to him, not too close, not too far. If Gordon needed to he could reach out and graze his fingers against the tie dye t-shirt the young man is wearing. Wait how old is Tommy again?

God, he feels so fucking old, he's only 27, he's pretty sure Tommy is in his thirties, the birthday was JUST yesterday.

"Are you alright, Mr. Freeman?" Tommy asks.

"Just a little winded."

Tommy makes a soft humming sound, out here, out of Black Mesa, the strange static tint to everyone's words had faded, hearing Tommy in crystal clear clarity made the whole traumatic situation somehow seem like a bad dream. The glaring bruises that tugged at him whenever he moved were pretty much singing in neon lights, 'hey fucker you just went through hell.' He can hear the ghost of a pleasant female voice whispering 'morphine administered.'

"Tommy, I need you to check me into rehab if I start buying street drugs at any point." He says apropos of absolutely nothing.

"Of course, Mr. Freeman! Do you want me to help you get a medical marijuana card?"

Gordon pauses, remembers college - not sleeping for two days, hyper-focused on his books, ink stained hands and his roommate passing him the blunt, the bright incandescent feeling of anxiety melting away like the clearest blue - "Actually, yeah."

Tommy takes him to a chain clinic and fills out the paperwork for him while he walks around the strip mall with Sunkist, he's pretty sure that it would be illegal for Tommy to come out of there with a weed card for him without him ever setting foot in the establishment but also that he's killed an unknown percentage of the US military so what even is legality at this point.

Sunkist barks and takes off down the intersection between two strip malls and Gordon blanches, following at a half-trot, body angrily telling him, hey fucknugget what do you think you're doing moving like that?

Turning the corner he sees Sunkist has stopped, paws up on the edge of a concrete and pebble garden decoration. It's like one of those needless blocks of concrete they put outside malls and fill with non-native flowers. But this one has a tree planted in the middle, a fountain under the tree, and a large number of shrine-like objects Gordon does not have the cultural connotations to decipher the meaning of. Sunkist is watching the water pour down the fountain and stays propped up there for Gordon to finally catch the dog's leash.

When he notices the face watching him from around the tree he screams, breaking the nice quiet serenity of the hidden courtyard.

Benrey puts his hands to his ears, his helmet-less head covered by the grey hood of a jacket, inhuman eyes scrunch up in pain, "shh, why you do a big loud?"

Gordon doesn't say what's fire hot and klaxon noise blaring in his skull, he doesn't say 'you're dead, we killed you' he turns, with Sunkist's leash in the iron grip of his hand, and walk-runs away, panting, vision blurring, his chest hurts, fuck is he having a heart attack?

Some distant sweet song of logic informs him in a voice that sounds nauseatingly like the HEV suit's AI, panic attack imminent.

Yeah no shit, he's in it.

He doesn't get fully around the corner, he's heaving, looses grip of Sunkist's leash, he's spinning in circles it can't possibly be the whole world spinning instead. Blindly he moves his hands to brace for something, his vision collapsing in on itself like he's going through a portal, like he's back in Black Mesa.

There is a hand on his arm, one at the back of his neck under the hot-heat of his ponytail. The world is blue like a '98 vintage pop song.

When the edges of his vision clear, when he finds himself again, Sunkist is leaning against his legs and has him pressed up to a wall, the courtyard is empty - just the two of them.

Tommy's voice comes from far away like at the bottom of a well, Gordon registers slowly that no, it's him who is just fucked up not hurry lassie, Tommy’s fallen down a well. His hearing hasn't come back completely, still partially stuck in that hellish panic-tunnel. Sunkist keeps him from moving, from falling down, and then Tommy is there, nervously fidgeting in front of him, not touching, just anxiety incarnate. Or that was him, ha.

"Did you see him? Did you see that eldritch fucktruck?" Gordon slurs, looking, searching.

"Who?"

Gordon bites it down, he's too raw to admit he's probably hallucinating. Shakes his head, still trembling.

Tommy drops him off at home with overpriced pharmaceutical grade weed and the reminder that he's just a phone call away. Gordon has to assure him he's fine a total of 5 times. He's not fine, he's so far away from fine.

Listening to his son on the phone, his sister telling him about the craft fair she'd be working tomorrow, he lays on the floor of his living room and smokes like he did in college, till the world goes soft. His sister reminds him to eat enough protein before she hangs up. He hasn't eaten all day, but it's too late to get up now, the fucking world is melting.

When a hand touches his hair, the side of his face, he opens his eyes to see Benrey crouched over him, body tucked up above his head, looking down at Gordon not with a shit-eating grin or nothing at all but instead a look of anxiety and something Gordon is too fucking high to quantify right now. He laughs, a warm sound that rumbles through his chest, this doesn't seem to make Benrey feel any better, Gordon doesn't understand why, he thinks shit is hilarious.

"Yo, are you real bro?" Gordon asks.

"i coulda done this for free, i do it all the time, for you, be a cool, and what, you dont need me? gordon too good for black mesa sweet voice?"

"You said my name again." Is what Gordon chooses to take out of that exchange.

He's pretty sure when he wakes up later he's stress-hallucinating some kind of horror-terror. There isn't therapy for this, is there?

[a-wanderin-whirlybird]

Who did this? A Sole Ender AU fic

Summary: Ryan Haywood is happy in the crew. They know his quirks, well, most of them and they dont care. They have embraced his weird situation and have been the best family Ryan could ever want. He never wanted to lose them, so when one of the Lads goes missing for 2 weeks, only to return half alive? Well, Ryan isnt seeing red persay... He is seeing Black.

I would like to warn you: there are some parts where reality and imagination blurs a bit. There is also lots of blood. It will be the but be careful please.

Ryan stared at the door to the penthouse, gently holding Finnieas to his chest. The night sky glittered with the light of the city around them. The three legged kitten had grown quickly in the last 3 months. It wasnt uncommon to see the bundle hopping along besides Ryan or Jeremy. Occasionally the little guy would find an injured crew member and simply curl on them and purr. Geoff couldn't deny how adorable the cat was though he refused to admit it. Which didnt matter, Ryan had an entire album of the crew playing with Finnieas on his phone now.

But those happy times were on hold, and Finnieas wasnt purring to heal a physical wound. Michael had been missing for several weeks now, no one knew what happened, just that he went out for a supply run and never returned.

Ryan had taken to standing guard by the door at night. His years in the Lab had taught him how to operate on no sleep so he was able to do this. It didnt make the situation any better, and he was still exhausted beyond belief.

As Jack and Jeremy liked to remind him, he was still human, no matter what. He had limits.

Despite that Ryan sat up. His Vagabond Mask in arms reach just in case and surrounded by Diet Coke cans. His mind wandered about phasing between focused intent and roaming memories.

God exhaustion didnt helo memories one bit, it had been a week and a half since Ryan slept more than an hour every 3 days and things were blurring.

Then the door silently opened and the scent of old blood and gunpowder filled Ryan's mind. The walls turned white.

Ryan rose and teleported in an instant to catch Michael, leaving Finnieas to tumble onto the couch with a Mrrp. God Michael was shit. Ryan couldnt tell where all the blood was from but if the distinct lack of fingernails was anything to go by, he would guess Michael had been in some deep shit.

"Michael, stay with me ok?" Ryan muttered as the curly haired man moaned in pain. Ryan began to bridal style carry Michael into the back. He stopped outside Michael's own room but decided against it. He didnt trust it at the moment, plus Gavin and Jack were asleep there. Something about the smell.

Ryan instead made his way to his own room, and gently set Michael down on his bed. Ryan then slowly began to peel away the lady's tattered clothes, and tucked a blanket over him.

All the while Ryan was taking shaky shallow breaths. Blood was easy. He saw blood on himself all the time. Ryan had removed his eye patch, a plain black silk one Geoff had gotten him, to look over Michael. It played to have an eye that could show exactly what kind of injuries or weaknesses someone had. Especially if you needed to report the injuries.

Internal bleeding, the blood pooled dangerously in Michael's lungs. The eye revealed if Michael wasnt propped up he would drown quicker. So Ryan propped him up, the ghost of an electric shock shooting through his veins as he did so.

No time for that. What else was there?

Concussion, and cracked skull. Ryan couldnt do much there but cushion the head. He grabbed extra pillows to pack around the lad just in case. The ghostly shock grew in strength and Ryan felt his vision fade a little.

Not Now! Michael needed him.

Broken ribs, arm and legs. Those needed to be set. Ryan couldnt do that himself, he needed Larry.

"Rye?" Michael groaned, his voice cracking. Ryan turned up to stare at Michael's face, not his eyes, never his eyes.

"Yeah." Ryan assured quietly. "Its me. Hang on ok? I'm getting Larry."

Ryan then Vwooped away leaving a small poof of sparkles.

Larry was a few floors down, in the crew's private infirmary, he was asleep at his desk, again. He rarely left the office unless he needed to.

He lay over various charts and reports of the crews health and healing injuries. It took a lot to keep up with the mad crew, especially since one of them didnt have all natural anatomy. But Larry didnt mind.

"Upstairs. Now. Michael needs healing." What Larry did mind was suddenly being shoved out of his sleep by Ryan literally shoving him out of his chair and teleporting away.

Hissing but rushing Larry gathered up his supplies and beelined for the elevator.

Ryan vwooped back to his room. His mind swirled and mixed up times, but it never stopped him before. For weeks a burning, and boiling rage had been hiding in the depths of his sleep deprived mind. And the sight of the lad on his bed, barely awake and alive only made that worse.

Ryan knelt down by Michael who was carefully watching Ryan. Ryan met his eyes briefly, his muscles tensed and screamed at him to run for doing so. But he kept it as best he could.

"Who did this?" Ryan whispered. The response was hesitant, but the growl that escaped Ryan's throat and the vwoop that followed wasnt.

Larry raced up through main floor, poking in every room to find where Ryan had fucking dumped Michael. On the way, he ended up waking half the crew until he found the lad half awake in Ryan's room, propped up by a mountain of pillows.

As Larry got to work a sleepy and nervous Jack went to the front room, following the desperate Mews of Finnieas. Out in the main room he found the 3 legged cat pawing at a pile of sparkles on the coffee table. For the last week or so, the Vagabond mask had been sitting on the coffee table, in case an immediate rescue mission occured.

But it was gone, and Jack was instantly awake. Jack quickly crossed the room to the back hall, following it over to a secluded mini armory. Jack cursed as they counted the weapons. Only one was missing, and no one ever saw Ryan use it.

The Vagabond was on the hunt.

Ryan was lost in a swirling sea of thoughts. Fury was the first and foremost thought. It was feral and wild, a feeling that Ryan hadn't felt for years. Not since he broke free for good and he hunted down the traitors who sold him back to the Lab.

Behind the rage was bloodlust. Ryan usually enjoyed his job, but he didnt crave the blood of his enemies. Now all he wanted was to be bathed in their blood and guts.

The combo of rage and bloodlust turned into a mechanical motion. Ryan, what little piece of his mind was still aware of its surrounding and actions, felt distant. That tiny piece that remained knew, the moment he teleported his mind would swirl back into a deep pit. The robotic movements and thoughts of an agent without agency. He didnt have the control to weigh the options at this moment as he stalked the dark streets, mask slipped on over tired eyes, the left glowing bright and ominously.

His mind and consciousness had weighed the possibilities when Michael had hobbled back into the penthouse. Ryan had made the desicion when he went to the tiny armory and grabbed That knife. The one pulsing and singing in his hand now.

Ryan teleported. A monster appeared at the destination.

The bar was empty. It had been all day. The bar keep knew that their crew in the back was celebrating. They could join once they were done cleaning. The place would have to be burnt by sunrise. It needed to be clear of booze.

The barkeep didnt hear anything but a soft vwoop before the splitting pain filled his senses and with it the world went dark.

A black and purple eye watched the human bleed from their neck on the floor. And questions rang in their head.

Why was it so easy? The tests never were this easy. Why the mask? Who said it needed the mask? Was this the doctor's playing with it again?

Who cared, one was dead. Five more remain on the building, two more on the roof. Get it done. There was someone waiting for him.

In the back room of the bar the celebrations were dieing down. The victorious party celebrated their successful efforts to through the biggest crew in Los Santos off their game. They were laugh at a joke when the faint thud of runner and kevlar hit the table.

Half present the five stared at the item before them. Then they screamed. The iconic skull mask of the Vagabond lay before them, discarded but untouched. Before they could fully process what thus meant, the dripping of blood filled the room as one member fell dead. Their skull ripped open with a knife.

There was panic as another dropped down dead. They couldnt see the attacker but it was clear who it was.

As each member fell, one by one they all had the chance to catch a glimpse of a furious purple eye and a black knife and it drew their lives away and left them to rot on the floor.

The room was clear of life, and the Vagabond moved on to the last two targets on the roof, leaving nothing but bodies and sparkles behind.

Jack and Jeremy drove down the dark streets nervously. They had left the moment Jack noticed the black knife Ryan refused to touch was missing.

"Pull over! There!" Jeremy shouted as Jack threw the car into park and jumped out of the car.

The stiff figure of Ryan had emerged from an alleyway. His sweats and tshirt were soaked with blood and sweat. A small dribble of blood dripped onto the pavement from the knife pulsing and clutched in a white knuckle grip in his hand. His eyes were blank as they turned and met Jack's own.

Jack grabbed Ryan's wrists.

"Come on big guy come back to us. Larry said Michael's ok. He'll be fine. Come on, back to earth with you." Jack soothed as Jeremy helped moved the blank Ryan back to the car.

Jack piled Ryan and Jeremy into the back seat as Ryan sat still and unresponsive, like he was processing it all. Jeremy stayed pressed to his side all the way back to the penthouse as the coaxed the statue inside.

Geoff met the two at the door and gestured to the very back room.

"Use my room. Shifty said not to move Michael." There was a twitch from Ryan at the mention of Michael but nothing more, so the three moved back.

Geoff's room was the biggest. He may be one of the biggest criminals in the world, but Geoff was a goddamned Softie. He wanted to make sure he had space for his crew, his family, in his space at all times. If that meant needing a giant custom bed that fit nearly 15 people then fuckit! He got it.

Once in the giant room Geoff took the Knife from Ryan's hand and led him over to the bed with Jack and Jeremy.

The moment Ryan hit the mattress his eyes closed and he began to snore lightly. Geoff shook his head and sighed.

"Right. He's not allowed out of bed until Michael's up. Bastard needs his sleep."

Ryan was twisting in his mind. He was griping desperately to a single vision, the crew after a recent heist. His mind chanting different truths at him.

This is the present. The crew is real, and so are you.

This is a dream. These people are fake, you are nothing but a tool.

His hands ached, and his head felt like it was splitting open. He didnt know if he wanted to find out which chant was true or not. He kept his eyes closed. And begged for it to stop.

"Move the fuck over asshole Gavin's going to fucking flip when he wakes up and I'm not in your room." The voice was hushed and raspy, but Ryan knew it. Oh God he knew it!

Ryan cracked his eyes open to find Michael, bandaged and wiggling down next to him. Part of Ryan was terrified this was fake. The other terrified Michael would break of he moved more.

Ryan reached out gently and Michael sighed and he curled into Ryan's arms. A gentle purr soon joined Michael's weight as Finnieas curled up on his right.

"Real..." Ryan rasped.

"Yeah. It's real. I ain't leaving. Heard Jack say you were like a Zombie a couple days ago. You went and got the bastards who got me." Suddenly the memories of a few days ago cleared of fog. Michael's arrival, the bar, the pulsing knife he swore he would never take up again. Suddenly everything felt real and present.

"Are you ok?" Ryan asked as Michael moved his bandaged head onto Ryan's chest.

"Yeah. I'm fine. I'll heal. Look I fucking suck at emotions and shit ok? But you kicked ass for me and I appreciate that. But next time dont fucking I dont know. Robotisise yourself like Jack said you did ok? Oh and save some of the fun for me!" Michael insisted. And Ryan couldnt help but laugh as he curled into Michael himself, more odd bubbling formed in his mind, but he didnt touch it. He wanted to revel in the realness of this.

Because it was real. He was real. And so was his new home. He loved it there, like hell he was going to lose any of it.

[darkangeldesignstudio]

Dark Horse

Since I am depressed af right now and Hurricane Dorian is breathing down my neck....I am posting these next two chapters early. You know, just in case I die in the storm or from sadness over the next 24 hours. Love y'all and I hope you enjoy these.

Warnings: Angst, Violence, Death, Attempted Rape, Strong Language, Mentions of Animal Abuse, and Eventual Smut and Fluff

Setting: Post Civil War era USA. Marvel Cowboy AU.

Preface: Your home is attacked by the Hydra gang and you are rescued by Steve, Bucky, and their group. The government agency, known as Shield, wants them captured and Hydra wants them dead. With nowhere else to go, you join their ragtag group and set out on the adventure of a lifetime. Helping those less fortunate along the way, your small group grows and so does your affection for these two rough and tumble outlaws. When the chips are down, will you all be able to escape unscathed? Or will the boot drop and leave you heartbroken and alone again?

Song: Zombie (Acoustic) by Bad Wolves

Previous / Next

Chapter Six: Esa and Coyote

You motioned for Steve to take a seat as you began your story. This one would take a while and it would be best if he was comfortable for it.

“My ancestors, my people, walked with the animals and the spirits. They respected them greatly, but most of all they respected Esa, the Wolf God. He was hailed as one of the creator Gods and like many of the other animal he could walk and talk like man.”

Bucky and Steve sat quietly, listening intently with intrigue sparkling in their eyes as your story began to paint pictures of old. “Wolf’s brother Coyote could also walk and talk, but the people didn’t respect him. He was a Trickster, always up to no good and out to double-cross others, the people stayed far away from him.”

Bucky chuckled a bit. “Sounds like Tony.”

Steve shushed him, leaning forward in his chair, waiting eagerly for you to continue.

You giggled a bit before continuing with the story. “Time passed and Coyote began to resent the Wolf, jealous of how respected his brother was. Being the Trickster he was, Coyote wanted to teach Wolf a lesson. So, he devised a plan to make the people lose their respect for Wolf. A plan that would make them hate him, or so he thought. You see, Wolf was wise to his brother’s ways and so, when Coyote enacted his plan, Wolf created his own plan. A plan to finally teach his wily brother the lesson he deserved.”

Steve sat back in his chair as a bit of trepidation coursed his spine. “This sounds like it’s gonna get dark, doll.”

You smiled sadly, nodding a bit. Steve was right, the story wasn’t a happy one, but it was essential to the prophecy you would tell them later. Drawing a deep breath, you looked between the men in front of you as a shiver ran the length of your spine.

Bucky jumped from his chair. “One second, Y/N.”

He disappeared into your room, emerging a moment later with a blanket. You thanked him as he draped its warmth over your shoulders. When he took his seat again, a huge grin on his face, you continued the story.

“One day, Wolf and Coyote were out on a walk over the land, they talked about the people that lived there and when Wolf claimed that if someone were to die, he could bring them back by shooting an arrow under them. Now Coyote, having heard this boast before, told his brother that if he brought everyone back to life, there would be no room left on Earth for new life. ‘Once people die, they should remain dead.’ He believed that if Wolf took his advice, the people would hate him. Wolf, irritated by Coyote’s constant questioning of his wisdom, decided now was the time to enact his plan. He said nothing, just nodded wisely and went on about his day.”

Bucky and Steve looked at each other as the tension built. The tone of your voice didn’t bode well for Coyote.

“Days later, Coyote came running to his brother, his fur was ruffled and his eyes were filled with panic. Wolf already knew what had happened; Coyote’s son had been bitten by Rattlesnake, whose powerful venom was deadly to all. No-one could survive the bite. Coyote begged and pleaded for Wolf to bring his son back to life as he claimed he could do, but Wolf refused. He reminded Coyote of his own remark that people should remain dead, that he was no longer going to bring people back to life, just as Coyote had suggested.”

You propped your elbow on your knee, supporting your head in your palm as you told them the ending. This was always the hardest part to tell, but it was especially hard as the loss of your brother still lingered in your chest. The wound still fresh on your heart.

“They say that was the day Death came to the land. As punishment for his mischievous ways, Coyote’s son was the first to die and Wolf never raised anyone from the dead again. The people came to know the sadness that accompanies death and, despite Coyote’s efforts, the people did not hate Wolf. Instead, they admired him, his strength, wisdom and power, and we still do today.”

You all sat for a moment, in total silence. The firelight danced across your eyes as the two men pondered your story.

Steve wasn’t sure what to say. He had never heard such a story, as his family had raised him a Christian. But the look in your eyes spoke truth and he was unwilling to question you on it. Story or not, it had sent shivers through his body as you spoke. The embers of red that reflected in your eyes made you appear old beyond your years, as if another Spirit spoke from within you. When he looked at Bucky, he could see the same thoughts reflected there.

Bucky turned to you first, flames danced in his gaze as a sense of warmth traveled through your body. There was understanding in those blue depths and, when you turned to Steve, you saw the same thing. It brought tears to your own eyes as the feelings from the past few days came crashing down on you. It finally dawned on you that you were the last one left. The only person in your family still alive on this Earth.

Just as you began to break, each man took one of your hands in theirs, bolstering you with their strength, their friendship. It was comforting, helping you to smile through your tears.

“It’s okay, darlin’. We can wait for you to finish your story after you get some rest. There’s no rush.”

Steve’s voice was soothing as he brushed a strand of hair from your face. You smiled up at him. “That would probably be best. As long as you two don’t mind.”

Bucky shook his head as he stood from his chair, never releasing your hand. “We don’t mind, Y/N. You just take your time. We can revisit this after you sleep.”

Steve nodded, following Bucky’s lead and helping you slowly from your chair. Holding each arm, the men led you back to your bed, carrying your blanket with you. Soldat followed at their heels, skirting around them to jump onto the foot of the bed and wait for you to settle yourself in.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, they each said goodnight before exiting the room. Laying down, you pulled the blanket up your body, settling into the mattress as Soldat settled into place overtop of your feet, keeping them warm with his body heat. You were asleep before your head hit the pillow.

_______________________________________________________________________

You awoke the next morning as light streamed through your window curtains, lighting up the room. Soldat jumped from the bed with your stirring, trotting from the room. You could hear Bucky’s voice as he greeted the overgrown pup.

“How you doing there, boy? There’s fresh meat for you in the barn.” Soldat made a little grunting noise, soon followed by the sound of a door as Bucky let him outside.

The sound of heavy boots grew louder as they reached your door. Knocking, Bucky poked his head through the door with a smile. “How you doing this morning, Y/N? Feeling any better?”

You smiled back at him, tucking a bit of hair behind your ear in a bit of a nervous gesture. “I’m doing good? Right as rain.”

“That’s good,” he said as he sat on the foot of your bed. “Bruce said, as long as you were feeling up to it, you could get up and start moving around today.”

Glancing around the room, he cupped his hand around the side of his mouth and whispered conspiratorially to you. “Dont worry, Steve and I didn’t spill the beans about you being up last night.”

Your face grew hot, embarrassed about your little private midnight powwow, but you smiled nonetheless. It had been an experience you never wanted to forget. “Thanks for that.”

The beaming smile on your face made Bucky want to clutch his chest, it was so beautiful and pure. He hoped he would get to see you that way more often from now on.

Another knock came at the door as Natasha walked in with a set of clothes for you. “Knock, knock. A little birdie told me our girl was ready to go out. So, I brought you some clothes.”

“Thanks, Nat.” You smiled at her, it was the first time you had seen her since the night she helped you change into your night clothes. “I’m gonna need the help with my shoulder bandaged up.”

With a nod, Natasha walked over to you and began to help you up until she remembered Bucky was there. Shooting him a glare over her shoulder, she hissed something at him in Russian.

Bucky raised his hands in surrender and backed swiftly from the room. “Okay, okay. Jeez, Natasha, you are so scary sometimes.”

Hearing your giggle made him grin from ear to ear. Sending a sly wink your way, before turning to the door, Bucky chuckled. “Just meet me out here when you’re done, Y/N. Can’t keep Boda waiting too long, I made a promise.”

You had almost forgotten about Bucky’s promise to bring you to see Boda and thinking about keeping him waiting any longer in this strange new place made you anxious. How bad had he been while you were bedridden? You honestly hoped he hadn’t caused too much trouble.

“Don’t worry much about it, hun.” Nat’s voice made you jump a bit, you had almost forgotten she was there with all your internal stressing. “Boda’s been the sweetest gentleman since you were down. I think he has a bit of a crush on Star.”

You smiled at that. “It doesn’t surprise me that he’s falling for the feisty filly. There’s a fire in her soul that rivals even his own.”

“She definitely hasn’t made it easy for him.” Natasha giggled as she helped you don your coat. “That first night, I thought she would tear his ears off. He ended up rooming with Duke in his stall.”

“Smart girl.” The smirk on your face matched Nat’s as you walked outside together. “And it’s perfectly fine to house them together, they have been like brothers for as long as I can remember.”

“What stories are you telling her now Nat?”

The teasing note in Bucky’s voice made you smile, he was leaning against the wall across from your door. Decked out in his winter coat once again. The shirt underneath was the deepest of blues, making his eyes shine all the brighter, even in the shadow of his signature black cowboy hat. How was he so damned handsome?

“You ready to head out Y/N?”

His deep voice made you jump a bit. “Y-yeah, sure.”

Looking to Natasha, you could see the sly grin on her lips and it made you blush. There was no way she could know what you were thinking. But, when Bucky turned his back and she winked at you, you weren’t so sure about that.

Bucky opened the front door and stepped out onto the porch, holding his hand out to you. “It’s still pretty slick out here, so be careful.”

Natasha smiled before walking back towards the interior of the house, leaving you alone with the intimidatingly handsome man. You tried to control your blush as you placed your hand in his and stepped out onto the porch.

He smiled as he released your hand and walked towards the stairs, you followed close behind, trying your best to follow in his footsteps. You were managing the slick terrain of the deck pretty well, until your foot connected with a patch of black ice. The world pitched backward as gravity pulled you back-first towards the hardwood. Unable to catch yourself, you yelped with fright before you clenched your eyes shut. You sincerely hoped that the fall wouldn’t add to your injuries as your impact seemed inevitable at this point.

Luckily, your fall was interrupted as you felt warmth envelope your free hand and a hard jerk had you pitching forward again. A rush of cold wind was followed by warmth as your forehead connected with something hard. You dared not open your eyes for fear of what you would see, until Bucky’s muffled curse graced your ears and his strong arms wrapped around your waist, helping you keep your balance.

“Shit.”

When you opened your eyes, you were staring at his broad chest, covered in soft cotton and a midnight black winter jacket, your hand was unconsciously running over the soft material at his heart as you finally mustered up enough bravery to meet his steely gaze. A beautiful smile curled his lips as he gripped the hand you had placed on his chest. His thumb ran over your knuckles as he seemed to assess your wellbeing, you could feel your blush growing with every second that he looked into your eyes and tried to look anywhere but his beautiful blue eyes.

Being in this position made you feel small and vulnerable, similar to the way you had felt in Steve’s arms a few nights ago. It was a surprisingly pleasant feeling and that thought made your blush grow hotter. Peeking up through thick lashes, your eyes connected with his once again and heat travelled the length of your spine. He wrapped his arms tightly around you when you tried to pull away, unwilling to release you.

“If you step back, you might actually fall this time. Let me help, Y/N.” Tilting your head back to meet his gaze, you felt his  warm breath caress your face. Your noses were almost touching, the steam from his breath twining with your own, creating a whirlwind of fog comparable to the emotions swirling in your gut. Truly, his care for you made him all the more desirable and you would have been more than comfortable staying in his warm embrace for longer. It had been the same with Steve at your home.

After another moment, you nodded your agreement, not trusting your voice to speak allowed. The last thing you needed was to say something truly embarrassing.

Bucky reluctantly released you from his grip, immediately missing the warmth, but unwilling to make you uncomfortable by overstepping. Assured that you wouldn’t fall again, he gave you a bit more room, but not too much as catching you mid fall had been lucky. If he wouldn’t have turned towards you in the exact moment that your foot touched ice, you could have hurt yourself pretty badly in the fall. He gave you a moment to compose yourself before reaching for your free hand. Gripping it tightly, he placed it into the crook of his elbow. You smiled, amused as you were no high society lady, but he made you feel as important as one would.

He led you down the stairs and into the fluffy white wonderland of snow around you, but he never released you once as you walked the yard with him. In his mind he was acting the gentleman, the way his momma had taught him to be, but in his heart he only wished to prolong his contact with you and you seemed unwilling to stop him. You would never admit the fact out loud, but you enjoyed his touch, however minimum it may be. You only wished you didn’t feel like a burden for needing so much help. “Thanks, Bucky. You keep rescuing me, even though it seems I can only cause you trouble.”

Turning to look at you, a smile lit up his features as you walked together, but a hint of some other emotion swam in his blue eyes. “You aren’t any trouble, Y/N. It’s my pleasure to assist you in any way I can after everything that happened.” Turning your attention back to your surroundings, you tried to hide your blush. “If anything, I’m happy you wanted to stay with us after all that, not to mention falling for me so literally.”

Gasping, you felt your blush grow to a raging inferno on your face as you whipped your head around to look at him. “I didn’t fall on purpose! I-I-I…” His grin was a teasing one, but there was still something else there. Something that he wasn’t ready to share.

He chuckled at your flustered state, you truly were so cute this way. “I know, Y/N. I’m only teasing you a bit. The others say my teasing nature is a less than desirable trait, but I enjoy it. Makes life more interesting.”

You giggled along with him, calming slightly. “Be careful. You are starting to sound like Coyote.”

He laughed outright, causing his shoulders to shake and a beaming smile to erupt on your face. That laugh was surely something special and you assumed he didn’t make that sound often, especially after hearing the story about his past.

A few yards from the barn, Bucky came to a stop and faced you. A bit of worry coated his features. “I need you to know, we are planning to move pretty soon. We don’t really have a lot of time to waste, so we can’t wait for you to finish healing before we saddle up again.”

You nodded. “I will be fine, Bucky. I’ve ridden with worse injuries than this. Besides, that’s not what you are truly worried about is it?”

His body jerked a little, was he really that obvious? Or were you just that good at figuring him out? “Does this story of yours, the one your grandmother told you… I-I guess what I’m trying to say is, we’re not going to have to fight a dragon or throw a ring in a volcano or anything dangerous like that, right? I mean I can take gunfighting any day, but dragons and volcanoes are a hard limit.”

You tried, really truly tried not to laugh at his question. There was real worry in his tone, even if his analogy was meant to ease your own fears. He knew you were scared to share your story, just as scared as he and Steve were to know what it entailed, but even after all of that, he still wanted to keep a smile on your face.

“No, there are no dragons, rings, or volcanoes, Bucky. You don’t have to worry about anything as fantastic as that, where did you even get the idea?” His feigned sigh of relief almost broke your stoic composure. It was getting harder and harder to stay serious, how the hell did he do it?

Just as he was about to put the figurative nail in the coffin, the sound of Steve’s voice cut through your surroundings, followed by a bellowed challenge from Boda.

A bit of fear shot through you, what the fuck was that demon up to now? Nat said they were on good terms. You went to rush away, but Bucky stopped you. “Don’t, Y/N. Steve can handle it.”

You were a bit skeptical, but Bucky’s grip on your hand was inescapable. His gaze begged for your trust, even as a twinkle of amusement still lingered there. “What have you all been up to, Bucky?”

“Come with me and you will see. Just stay silent, wouldn’t want to interrupt them.”

Slowly, Bucky placed your hand back at his elbow and you walked together to the back of the barn where a large wooden round pen stood. What was happening inside the pen made you gasp as tears welled in your eyes. The scene before you was absolutely breathtaking and made you happy beyond belief. How did they both manage such a feat in so little time? Looking to Bucky, you realized he was watching you with a bit of concern.

“It seems you are both due more of my gratitude, Bucky. Thank you so much for this. It makes me so happy to see him like this.”

Your smile lit up the already bright morning, causing Bucky’s heart to stutter in his chest. “Just watch, you haven’t seen anything yet.”

Turning back to the round pen, you watched as Steve and Bodaway played around one another. Steve would jump towards the stallion before jumping away and Boda did the same. It was an elegant and powerful dance between friends. A give and take of pressure that built respect and camaraderie. It was absolutely beautiful. Bodaway’s raven black coat shone in the light of the sun, reflecting blue and purple as he trotted around the man in the ring. There was a spring in his step that you hadn’t seen in a long time and it made your heart soar.

Steve jumped around the ring with Boda, it was the most fun he had had in a long time. Not to mention a great bit of work that helped to warm the body on such a bitterly cold day. It was good for the both of them. “Come on big guy, let’s see what you got.” He put a bit more pressure on the stallion, pushing him into an elegant canter before Boda turned again to return the pressure. “I can do this all day.”

A laugh from the fence line caught his attention. Tony sat atop the railing, watching the goings on. “I thought that saying was reserved for battles you were losing.” Laughing a bit at his own joke, Tony didn’t notice when the stallion turned his attention to him. Nor did he notice when Boda pinned his ears.

“Just don’t hurt him, buddy.”

At that, Boda charged the fence. Tony caught the movement out of the corner of his eye, just in time to topple off the top rail and fall into a deep drift of snow. Boda snorted at the man on the ground before going back to join a laughing Steve in the middle of the ring. “Thank’s friend. You really are somethin’ special. Just like your momma.”

At the mention of you, the wind changed direction, carrying your scent and the sound of your laughter with it. Boda whickered a happy sound when your eyes connected. You watched him with a smile, he was waiting patiently, but you could see the strain it was taking on his body to stand still as he was. So, you gave him a reprieve and whispered the single word he was waiting to hear. “Come.”

Steve was on his way to open the gate when Boda took off at a gallop towards the fence. “Wait, Bodaway!” But, he didn’t stop, just took off from the ground and flew as if he had wings. It was an astonishing sight to behold as the fence was chest high on the stallion.

Bucky, Steve, and Tony gaped like fish as the beautiful black horse landed, continuing at a full gallop towards you. He slid to a stop only inches away from your body and gently pulled you into one of his signature hugs, careful of your injured shoulder. You immediately wrapped your free hand around his neck as tears began to flow freely down your face. His little sounds of comfort made you giggle through the tears. “I missed you too, Fire Starter.”

You stood like that for a few moments as the men gave you both space to reconnect. Steve exited the round pen, helping Bucky who was currently digging Tony’s frozen ass from the snow drift. “How the hell did he do that?”

Bucky pulled Tony to his feet, brushing the snow off of the man’s shoulder. “I don’t know, Stevie. But it’s pretty obvious that he was humoring us all this time. If he wanted to, he could have escaped from here whenever he wished. She really is special to tame a beast like that.”

They talked for a few more minutes, but you ignored them, more keen on loving the sweet boy in front of you. It seemed he was just as unwilling to release you. “Hey, Boda? Thank you for being so good while I was gone. You are the most perfect horse a girl could ask for. I love you.” You placed a kiss on his cheek and then on his nose as you backed away a bit. Turning back towards the men, you realized Tony had gone into the barn. Steve and Bucky stood against the wall, waiting and watching the two of you with fond smiles.

You approached the men with Boda at your side, constantly brushing up against your shoulder with his own. It reminded you of the days you spent together in the pastures, inseparable from the first moment you met. If only the world could always be that peaceful.

“You feel like stretching your legs a bit more? Well, stretching Boda’s legs would be more accurate, I guess.” Steve’s happiness was palpable at seeing you up and about again. Seeing you so broken in that bed had been slow torture for him.

“Sure, where are we riding to?”

The men looked between one another, Bucky reached out to stroke Boda’s neck. “I know just the place. I’ll saddle this big guy up for ya.” With a nod, you followed them into the barn and watched as they saddled up their mounts and yours. It took only a few moments before you were all on your way.

[dvp95]

can’t breathe when you touch my sleeve - chapter 4

pairing: dan howell/phil lester

rating: e (eventually)

warnings: none

tags: alternate universe, slow burn, fluff & humour, tiny bit of inner turmoil wrt sexuality but trust me it’s not that deep, eventual smut, idiots in love

word count: 3,122 for this chapter (15,775 total)

summary: Dan keeps making a fool of himself in interviews, to the point where it’s basically a meme. Now he’s got to sit down for the better part of an hour and sell his show to the YouTuber he’d had a massive crush on when he was a teenager.

read from the beginning on ao3 or on tumblr!

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

i want to die

Aw, what happened? Did you give SugarScape spoilers?

Despite Dan's horrible mood, that makes him snort. no you buffoon 1 sugarscape has been dead for yrs, much like how i would like to be 2 i don't say spoilers ever 3 it's WORSE

I may be a little out of the loop. You gonna make me guess? I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you think it was.

phil, Dan sends on its own for emphasis. i touched my coworkers tit on live telly and now i can't look her in the fucking eye

Jaime hadn't actually cared much. She'd laughed at him, made some jokes about how Dan's spatial awareness hadn't developed yet, and then moved on with grace. Meanwhile, Dan had been having a mild panic attack on his side of the sofa because all he'd meant to do was brush a distracting piece of lint off Jaime's shoulder and, somehow, drastically missed.

It was all of ten seconds of his life, and Dan is still freaking out about it. He's been pacing his hotel room since they got back, hasn't even bothered changing out of the nice shirt he'd worn for the interview.

Like accidentally? Phil finally replies on Dan's third lap of the room.

no phil i need to grope people on camera to finish. what kind of person do you think i am. YES ACCIDENTALLY.

I dunno what you're into. I'm sure she knew it was an accident?

Yes, Jaime knows it was an accident, but that's not the point. there will be gifs phil

Phil sends him some emojis, only some of which make any sense in context. Dan isn't sure why that calms him down so much. He sits on the edge of his bed and sighs, waiting for Phil to stop typing. It takes a while, but eventually Phil says, Then you'll deal with them. It honestly can't be worse than you falling off the Jimmy Kimmel stage? I swear I saw that gif for months before I knew who you were. And if you're worried about people saying you did it on purpose, tell Jaime. You can talk about it like adults.

It's all laid out very clearly, and while it does make Dan feel better, he doesn't think he's finished being dramatic yet. He checks the time and sighs heavily.

dont suppose you'd be up for a late lunch/early dinner to distract me??

Sure! :), Phil responds immediately. The quickness of his agreement makes that part of Dan's brain start shouting again. I'm actually filming today though. I'll be done in like half an hour if you want to meet me here? Then we can either get takeaway or go out?

It's truly fascinating to Dan how practiced Phil seems to be at giving someone options and pretending like either one is fine rather than just offering his own opinion on the matter.

After assuring Phil that he'll be there, Dan considers getting changed. He's only got fifteen if he wants to get to Phil's place on time, and he isn't exactly known for his quick wardrobe decisions.

In the end, Dan just swaps his nice shoes for some sneakers and rolls his sleeves up. He's a little overdressed still, a McQueen button-down maybe a little too fancy for just hanging out with a new friend, but. He doesn't want to be late. Besides, he looks good. Maybe he likes the idea of Phil being surprised, looking him up and down, having the interview as an excuse to be so dressed up.

The part of Dan's brain that exists to remind him that men are attractive has been so, so loud this week. It's been impossible to ignore.

Dan messes with his straightened fringe until his phone beeps, telling him his Uber is outside. He remembers where Phil lives, in the very vaguest sense, but has to get the exact address from Phil.

He's glad that Phil's front door is painted a specific sort of blue. It would be just Dan's luck to knock on the wrong narrow brick building.

Thor barks, somewhere inside, and Dan shoves his hands in his jean pockets as he waits for Phil to answer the door.

"Hey!" Phil greets him before he's even fully opened the door, beaming. To the great pleasure of Dan's ego, Phil's eyebrows raise as he looks Dan over. "Y'know, you could have changed. I wouldn't have minded waiting a bit."

"Feeling underdressed?" Dan teases.

"A little," says Phil. He pushes his glasses up and gestures at his own graphic tee and slippered feet. "If I'd known there was a dress code, I'd have put on a sports coat."

"You look fine, I was just impatient," says Dan. He waits for another beat. "Uh, can I... come in?"

Phil is giving him a smile, the one with deep eye crinkles and his tongue trapped in his teeth, but it drops as he realises that they've just been standing in his doorway. "Oh! Yeah, sorry, come in. I'm actually not done filming just yet, Thor distracted me. Shouldn't take long."

"What are you filming?" Dan asks curiously, his heart pounding a bit as he follows Phil inside and then, surprisingly, downstairs. "Wait, you're the basement flat? Your video lighting is so good, though!"

"Mostly artificial," says Phil. He sounds wistful. "Someday I'll have a place with a glass window, just you wait."

"What are your windows made of now?"

"What? They're made of glass."

"Then why would you need to wait for one?"

"What did I say?"

"Glass window," says Dan, fighting back giggles. They reach the basement door and Phil lets them in, giving Dan a sheepish sort of smile over his shoulder.

"I meant a glass wall. Like a wall of windows, y'know? That's the dream."

"Yeah, it is," Dan agrees, but he's distracted by the fact that he's in Phil's flat. He kicks his shoes off among the pile next to the door and looks around. "It feels super weird to be seeing this place in 3D."

"Oh, probably," Phil laughs. "You want some slippers? My feet get so cold down here, I've got like a dozen pairs."

"I'm alright."

Phil's flat has less natural light than Dan had expected - or, evidently, than Phil would prefer - but the sheer number of lamps, string lights, and scented candles scattered around the place give it a soft glow that Dan is a big fan of. There are bright colours on every surface and every wall, and the overall effect isn't as overwhelming as it could be. Dan still thinks it could be edited down, but. It's very Phil.

To his vague surprise, he sees Phil's bed pushed against the far wall, a backless bookshelf the only divider from the open living space. Box lights and camera are all set up at the side of his bed.

"If I didn't know what you did for a living," says Dan, gesturing at the setup.

Phil grins at him. "Yeah. My landlord still doesn't believe that I don't make porn. You want a drink?"

"Sure, whatever you're having," says Dan. He spots Thor, curled up on a fluffy dog bed in the corner, and immediately starts cooing. "Oh, there you are! Hello!"

Thor perks up, cocking his head to the side, and Dan gets on the floor to call him over. Within seconds, he ends up on his back with an armful of happy puppy, and he giggles helplessly as Thor licks all over his face.

"Thor, down," Phil says from somewhere above them, sounding amused. Thor backs off, winding through Phil's legs a couple of times before he trots back to his bed.

"I love him," Dan informs Phil, still flat on his back. It's not the most flattering angle to look up at Phil, but he can deal.

"So do I," says Phil. He holds up a glass. "Ribena?"

"Please," says Dan, standing back up to accept the drink. He suddenly feels very weird, standing in the middle of Phil's lounge slash dining area slash kitchen slash bedroom. "Er, you've still got to finish filming, yeah? I can just... sit."

With a small grin, Phil waves at his sofa. "Make yourself at home. Just try not to rile Thor up too much? He's already made my blooper reel longer than the video itself."

"I think I can handle that."

Dan cannot, in fact, handle it. He brings his Ribena to the floor so he can sit next to the dog bed and scratch all of Thor's favourite spots. He finds one of Thor's toys as he listens to Phil wrap up a story that sounds maybe ten percent true, and then - well. It progresses to a tug of war before Dan can even entertain the idea that this might be distracting to Phil.

"Dan," Phil says, in this tone like he's trying to sound stern but can't stop smiling. "Are you growling at Thor?"

Yes. "Maybe."

"Maybe? I'm literally filming right now."

"He's just so cute," Dan whines.

"I know he is," says Phil. "I deal with this struggle every day of my life."

Dan sighs and lets Thor have the rope, watching wistfully as he zooms off with it. "Sorry, I'm really not trying to be a dick. I know this is your job."

"Hey, no," says Phil, suddenly sounding much closer. Dan looks up from corgi-watching to see Phil leaning against one side of his shelves, hands in his pockets and a soft smile playing around his lips. Butterflies erupt somewhere in Dan's belly. "I'm not bothered, really. I think it's cute. I just also, y'know, would like to eat sometime today."

"Why don't I just order something?" Dan suggests.

"Alright," Phil hums. "I'm lactose intolerant and hate mushrooms, but the intolerance can be ignored for pizza if that's what you want."

If that's what Dan wants. "What do you want?"

Phil blinks. "Oh, whatever."

"No," Dan presses. He knows it isn't very good manners, but he wants to see if Phil will actually offer an opinion of his own instead of walking that thin line of indifference. "I will quite literally eat anything. You pick."

It's quiet for a moment while Phil thinks it over, only the hum of the refrigerator and Thor's little huffs of breath for background noise. Dan has to admit that the small basement windows have an upside - less traffic din is able to get through. Coupled with the way Phil has lit his flat, the atmosphere makes Dan feel comfortable, like he could curl up here and just stay.

The rug under Dan is soft, the Ribena is perfectly watered down, and he's got a cute dog and a cute boy to stare at. He really could sit here forever and be content.

"I feel like Chinese," Phil says eventually. He's chewing on his lip, and Dan realises he hasn't seen Phil look so... anxious.

"Chinese sounds great," says Dan. "I'll order."

Phil seems relieved that he hasn't accidentally made a horrible choice or something, and he goes back to filming while Dan fucks around on different apps to find the best Chinese place in Phil's area.

--

"You never actually told me how you managed to grope someone."

Dan, who had gotten all wrapped up in chow mein and MasterChef and had forgotten his hellish morning by this point, chokes on air.

"Oh my god, nooooo," he groans, covering his face with both hands and sinking further into the sofa. He hears Phil laugh. "She just! Had some fucking, like, fluff on her shoulder. Like lint. I was gonna brush it off."

"How did you fuck that up so hard?" Phil asks. He sounds so amused that Dan wants to keep hiding, but the curse has him peeking out between his fingers curiously.

"I've never heard you swear," says Dan.

"I don't," says Phil, "on YouTube."

Unfortunately for Dan, the sound of Phil swearing is very hot. He groans again, overdramatic to cover up his very real blush, and gesticulates wildly. "My limbs are not friends with my brain, okay, I've got very big hands and I misjudged where I was putting one of them."

"Yeah, you do." Phil's eyes track Dan's hands with an intensity that makes Dan's gut constrict. Then he blinks, meets Dan's eye again, and the look is gone. "That sucks. I get it, though, my body and brain are not on the same frequency at all."

Dan thinks, a little hysterically, that this is a very good reason not to try and have sex with AmazingPhil - he doesn't want to end up in A&E.

There are roughly a hundred other reasons, too. Dan's uncertainty about his own identity, the fact that he's only in the UK for another two weeks, and the very real bond that they've been forming as friends are all at the forefront of his mind. Even so, it helps to make a joke to himself about it.

"Have you ever touched a tit accidentally?" Dan asks dryly.

"I've never touched a tit at all," says Phil. He's drinking coffee despite the hour hurtling into evening quickly, and Dan has to wonder if he ever sleeps. "Not really my wheelhouse."

"They're fine," Dan says, with much less enthusiasm than he normally would. He can't sit here and talk about his boob opinions with Phil, though, because that way lies madness. So he changes the subject, talks loudly about the episode of MasterChef they're on.

He's not ready to come out properly to himself, let alone to someone he barely knows.

Well, okay. It would be more accurate to say 'just met', because Dan feels like he does know Phil fairly well at this point. At least as well as he knows Jaime or Patrick. And maybe that's more of a commentary on how shit a coworker he is, how bad at making friends he is, but whatever. The point is that he likes spending time with Phil a lot, and he wants to do it more, but he can't have that conversation yet.

Dan knows he's attracted to guys. When he was younger and had an even worse handle on himself, that attraction would either lead to fumbling, fearing for his safety, or both.

Right now, specifically, he is attracted to Phil. This feels different, because he's got no reason to fear Phil or to immediately jump him, he's just comfortable sitting next to Phil in the dim light and letting the warmth of the feelings settle in his chest.

Maybe someday he'll be ready to tell Phil that he likes guys. Maybe that'll even go somewhere. For now, Dan is going to trash talk the chefs like he knows what he's talking about and settle into Phil's sofa and laugh like he belongs there.

Dan gets a little too comfortable. He has no idea what time it is when his eyes start to droop, but he's sure it's unreasonably early for someone who goes to sleep in the wee hours of morning most of the time.

A hand on his shoulder jerks him back into full awareness, and Dan blinks over at Phil. "Whuh?"

"Hey," says Phil. He's smiling and his voice is low. Dan can feel the slight chill of Phil's palm through the thin material of his dress shirt.

It's overwhelming, suddenly, how much Dan wants to lean in to Phil. The itch under his skin that he would feel ten years or so ago, the restless, guilty want that had him falling into bed with whatever bloke would let him, is thrumming through him with an intensity he hasn't prepared for. Dan's tongue feels heavy, and his gaze drops to Phil's mouth before he can stop it.

"Hey," echoes Dan, a beat or two late.

"You're falling asleep," Phil says. There's something about his tone that Dan can't quite place, so focused on his own emotions as he is. "You wanna stay over?"

Dan really, really does. But he really, really, really shouldn't.

"I can't," he says, not bothering to hide how regretful it makes him to turn the offer down. "Breakfast telly or whatever in the morning."

The loss of Phil's hand on Dan is one that he thinks he'll be feeling until Phil touches him again. "Of course. You probably have to wake up ridiculously early for that, huh?"

"Unfortunately."

Dan orders himself an Uber and slides to the floor with Thor in order to stop himself from giving his body what it wants in the short amount of time before it arrives. Thor likes the attention, and when Dan glances up to see the soft, unguarded look in Phil's eye, he thinks that Phil probably doesn't mind being ditched for his dog.

They chat about MasterChef and Dan's upcoming interview for a few minutes, safe topics, and Dan is disappointed when his phone beeps with the notification that his driver is close. He doesn't actually want to leave, he just knows he has to.

"We have to do this again before you head up to Edinburgh," says Phil. He walks Dan to the door, which is a little pointless - it's a total of eight steps away.

"How'd you know we're going to Edinburgh this weekend?" Dan asks, distracted from the process of getting his shoes on.

"Been in the business a while, lucky guess."

"Right. Well, then, I'll have to see what I'm doing on Friday."

"Yeah, just message me," says Phil.

There's a moment after Dan gets his shoes on where they're both just standing there looking at each other, and Dan's heart starts pounding like he's getting chased.

"I'll see you Friday," Dan says quietly, even though he isn't sure that he's free. He just needs to say something. His phone beeps again, probably telling him the driver is outside, and Dan is both relieved and annoyed.

Phil opens his mouth to say something, but Dan's racing heart and anxious mind doesn't want to hear whatever it is. He steps forward and wraps his arms around Phil's waist in a tight goodbye hug. It's the sort of embrace he'd give any of his friends, nothing overly intimate, but he knows he'll be thinking about it later anyway.

When Phil's arms drape over Dan's shoulders and his thumb brushes deliberate circles over the back of Dan's neck, it hits Dan very suddenly that if he were to try and kiss Phil right now, Phil would let him. That kind of knowledge is intoxicating, the surety of it making Dan's head swim.

But. He still doesn't know for sure what he wants, and his Uber is waiting. So he just pulls away, says goodnight, leaves.

[everyman0]

WALLS TO BREAK US

so i know i dropped all communication for the past several months...and evans fucking journal might have you believe i sat on my ass the entire time but that isnt the case. I didnt intend on sharing this information, frankly. but my time is running out now, evans already gone. this account of events will be all i have left.

i cant leave this place. i dont even know where the fuck i am supposed to be to begin with.

there is a house. a neighborhood. stores. a town. but nothing has a name.

there are people, but despite the gift of sight i was given, i see nothing of them. like empty thoughts given a shell to walk around in.

i thought at first, a couple months ago when i was first allowed to walk outside again, that they were real and that i was simply too overwhelmed with shock to really notice what was wrong here. but now i see it. i see it because there is nothing to see. these people aren't people at all, more like ghosts. 

at least im not entirely alone. there's still the house and asterion.

ive walked to the store many times, even got assaulted in the parking lot. Was that guy a ghost too? I dont know. but i havent only gone to the store - ive walked around the entire town. know what i finally realized, several days after i had made that exploratory journey?

there are no cars here. none being sold, none being driven, absolutely fucking nothing. no bikes either. no skates, no skateboards, no heelies wheelies or fucking feelies. not a single mode of transportation of any kind.

theres a bus stop though! thank fuck for that! oh wait, it's fucking useless. i have not once seen a bus in this god forsaken place.

imagine the anguish i felt upon realizing that despite being able to steal groceries just fine, i cant even hope to steal a car to drive as far away as i can from this hellhole. but it doesnt stop there.

of course it doesnt.

so alright, no cars. but i still had my legs, right? (and still do, somehow.)

so i figured if i cant drive away, i could at least saunter the fuck out of this place and maybe determine some sense of location on planet fucking earth. i set out. i walked in one direction from the house to the town and onward. and onward. and onward. for five fucking hours.

i found nothing.

but it wasnt your average nothingness like that of a long rural road, as it had originally appeared to me. no...instead, i eventually encountered what i call the Edge. here, the road stutters into an impossible blackness. here, if you turn your head, you can see how the blackness runs parallel to the world around you, bordering everything for miles. real truman show type shit.

the real kicker is when i discovered that only i can see it.

like any good scientist, i did some experimenting. kicked some cans, threw some rocks, all hurtling in the direction of the black wall. to my surprise, the items phased through it. swallowed might be a better word. i couldnt see or hear if the objects landed on the other side, if there was even a side to land on beyond the boundaries of ink. so then i decided i needed an extra set of eyes, and brought evan along a few days later.

this is the first and last time i let him outside in my care, and for good reason.

we arrived at the Edge, and evan was immediately annoyed at me as i had stopped walking just a few feet before the black wall. i asked him to explain what the problem was. he was like, "dude, you told me there was some shit i had to see and we have been walking forever. where the fuck is it? is this it? because it looks like a whole lot of fucking nothing."

i then asked, "what does this nothing look like to you?"

evan was growing more confused and angry, but i didnt want him to know what i did until i knew what he did first. i didnt want to contaminate his perception by revealing my own. i needed to be thorough and absolutely sure of our experience.

he threw his arms in the air in frustration, "a road, vin. it looks like a road, the same fuckin' cracked asphalt we've been following for miles. forwards and backwards, road."

evan took a step forward, into the blackness. i saw the tip of his foot disappear, sliced by the unfathomable wall. evan didnt seem to notice anything different, standing there with his arms crossed. so then i knew at least one thing for certain: only i could see the wall.

however, until seeing evan's foot just barely phasing through the wall, it hadnt occurred to me if i could pass through it too...or at least touch it. before, when i had been throwing cans and such, i didnt dare get too close to the black edge. i had no idea what would happen, and wasnt particularly interested in finding out at the time. all i could gather was that, just like the rest of the town and even the house herself, it was designed to keep things inside.

as it turns out, evan was not one of those things intended to stay. i stood there pondering silently, and watched as evan began an impatient pacing along the length of the wall. an imperfect, wobbly hobble across the street and back; i saw arms and legs flash in and out of the blackness as evan walked, still taking no notice. evan couldnt see the difference like i could, and he wasnt the prisoner these walls were meant to encase. so who was?

well obviously it's me. at least, i'm somehow a part of the equation i think. and then i figured now was no better a time as any for me to make my approach and reach out - touch the wall, see what happens, inwardly hope it just kills me on the spot, and so on.

but right as i had decided this, i hear evan angrily spitting an expletive and turn, marching off beyond the pitch black walls. guess he was tired of waiting on me, and you know ev - always runs in head first. i word this story now as if this is something i remember fondly about evan, but let me be clear: in that moment of time, standing in the middle of some fucking road behind a maliciously black prison wall, a wall of which evan was now beyond and impossible for me to see any longer? leaving me, alone?

i fucking hate how much of a hardheaded ass evan is sometimes.

i was so caught off guard by evan's sudden disappearance beyond the veil of the Edge that what that meant didn't register until several seconds later when i found myself clamoring towards the wall. i yelled for evan, then screamed for him. my hands meet the black surface with a loud plang as if the wall was made of glass, but the way the wall felt against my skin is indescribable. i wailed my fists against the presumed surface, the noise of the impacts reverberating loudly. this lasted a few minutes.

evan eventually came back...and he seemed just as he were before, except maybe even more annoyed as he began to once again pester me on why i was just standing there wasting time. he got his first round of bitching out before he noticed that i had tears running down my face, looking disheveled.

he changed his tune and asked me what was wrong, what the fuck happened. his confusion was telling - he hadnt heard me screaming for him to come back. i wiped my eyes, faked a chuckle, and told him it was nothing to worry about and that maybe it was best to go home for now and try some other time when im more 'in the present.'

i decided that i wasnt going to tell evan about the Edge, at least not right then. i needed time to gather myself back together, since the resulting panic attack had taken a lot out of me for one day. But even after i had taken that time...

i didnt want evan to know about the wall. fuck, i know its selfish, but i didnt want evan to know that he had the ability to leave this wretched fuckhole but i didnt, that i was trapped and he wasnt. its not because i wanted to spare evan the heartbreak of knowing his friend was doomed...but because i didnt want evan to get the idea that he could abandon me without consequence.

i didnt want evan to use this knowledge as an escape plan to get away from me.

not wanting evan to leave me wasnt the only reason i didnt tell him though. there was still so much i was uncertain about; hell, i still wasnt sure if just being outside the house put evan at risk. i took a chance in taking him to the wall and he lasted well enough during that time...but given what was discovered, even if evan could sit out on the lawn every day and not a thing touch him...the very existence of the wall was a dangerous game of chance.

this is why i did not want evan to go back outside again after this incident. i couldnt trust that he would truly be safe...and i couldnt trust that he wouldn't just run away on me. i completely fucked myself in both ways, though. he's out there getting hurt or dying or already dead because i pushed him far enough to truly fucking hate me.

even now, ive no idea what happened to evan after he ran out of the house. Maybe he never made it past the wall again.

maybe this post is the first time he’s hearing about it.*

*IT IS, YOU SMART BOY. I COULDN’T JUST KILL HIM BEFORE YOU EXPOSED YOURSELF AS A HIDEOUS EXCUSE OF A FRIEND. THE PAIN WILL ADD FLAVOR! MAYBE I’LL GIVE YOU A TASTE.

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[tumblunni]

I had a really weird dream involving Dr Maddiman. Its a shame i can barely remember any of it and also it seems i woke up before it ended? Like i just had this overwhelming sense that allll the plot threads were gonna be wrapped up any second now and then BOOM awake. So just a whole bunch of random stuff happened with no real explanation at all.

It was some sort of post apocolyptic setting i think? Humanity was in these small isolated cities fighting against some sort of invading army but we never actually saw the aliens themselves. And some part of my brain was like "it makes sense its the same rules as a hairdresser and the design takes cues from a pack of AAA batteries". I have NO idea what that means! So basically everythibg was super vague and undescribed and dream-me just had a sense of already being a long time fan of this series and knowing enough to fill in the gaps. Apparantoy this was some sort of adaptation of a thing id already seen, but id been told the ending was different and more accurate to the manga? Also i wasnt actually a person watching this show i was still the protagonist of the show yet i acted like i'd been reincarnated and relived this week a million times or something

ANYWAY the way dr maddiman comes in is that he was some sort of 'brilliant but dangerous' expert the government had hired to help our fight against the aliens. It wasnt really explained why he was.. yknow.. maddiman. Like is this meant to be that ghosts also exist in this sci fi universe? Was he a half alien hybrid instead of a yokai? Was it just human maddiman with the personality of yokai maddiman due to ptsd...? In any case he didnt seem entirely tethered to the laws of reality and nobody knew exactly how he pulled off all his scientific miracles. He was treated as the only guy who could understand the mindset of the aliens, but that also made him dangerous because he trapped in the delusion of everything being okay and fun and happy and he often did evil things by accident while having good intentions. But they didnt have anyone else who'd cracked the code of the alien weaponry so they had to put up with him. He was just sorta assigned a crack team of secret agents whose job was Be The Old Man's Friend So We Dont All Die. Dont let him realise how the world is all destroyed and such, just play along with his goofyness and try and remind him to do his important work while dancing around why its important. it was super creepy how he was locked up and gaslighted like this!! And he was all 'oh im sure when im done with my ultimate experiment i can go home to my wife and kids' and yeah it was implied here that the same backstory applied :( 'distract the old man and validate his false opinion that his family is still alive and waiting for him' :( poor sci fi madds :(

Oh also for some reason he seemed to be wearing elements of Adventure era Dr Eggman's outfit? But just the general style of the coat and the wearing goggles that he never actually uses. And he had a very warm and cuddly autumnal colourscheme

Anyway i was part of the Super Secret Grampa Cherishing Division whose job was to act as his assistant but also secretly be packing a bazillion weapons to neutralize him if he poses a danger to humanity. But i started to genuinely care for the guy and question the 'any atrocity is permitted for the sake of saving the world' philosophy of my bosses. Also it was just very weird how it was this post apocolypse alien fighting action thing yet i didnt see ANY OF IT cos this story was confined to this one laboratory. It was surreal hearing about all this stuff happening offscreen!

I think Maddiman's main project was some sort of dimensional transport thing using salvaged alien tech? It was just a door in his lab that usually led to a closet but if he got it working itd teleport us straight to the alien base and save the world. And a lot of it wasnt explained but i got this great sense that itd all come together with a great twist ending evebtually but then i woke up before i got that far. Same for the reveal of this maddiman's new sci fi backstory and soooo many other dropped plot threads. Alas!

So anyway: closet. Closet with one of those bead curtain things cos i was thinking about them when i fell asleep. It was supposed to be a teleport but when it malfunctioned it had really scary negative effects warping people's biology and stuff. I remember one of the test subjects was sent in for a five day trip to a specific alternate dimension but then when they came back itd been several years and theyd had to survive in a deadly wasteland and been mutated into a hellbeast. And maddiman had a huge breakdown because he felt like his recklessness and optimism towards this experiment had caused this mistake to happen, and he'd never realized just how awful the consequences could be. He was babbling motor mouth discussing theories for where it went wrong and there was something like 'we'd only tested it for one day trips and assumed that just programming two of them would equal two days but actually with each additional number on the screen it multiplies the days by 3" And there was something about like...the bead curtain was the machine rather than the door itself? Like trying it on a bunch of different doors around the lab to try and find a way to cure this person.

And there was some sort of artificial intelligence computer with the personality of an adorable lil girl, who helped maddiman do calculations and stuff. She missed the mistake in this calculation cos her concept of linear time and the limits of human organs was kinda undeveloped. She only existed within the realm of numbers after all, and didbt even have functionality to record footage of her human friends's faces. No idea wtf a human looks like! So maddiman was lost in his desperate grief of potentially accidebtally killing or at least mentally scarring a person and the government would probably kill them now if they saw they were a super mutant. And he was sobbing and begging this AI to help, his last resort was her maybe being able to see a brainwave that he'd missed. But she was freaking out cos she didnt even fully understand why maddiman was crying let alone what to do to fix it. Eventually she did manage to find a solution theough some simple different logic thing that she had from her perspective as a computer. And that person was saved but still traumatized and maddiman had a moment of realizing just how high stakes everything was and freaking out. He was like 'whats wrong with my head, why didnt i notice that, why was i so reckless, why cant i seem to grasp basic human logic that i need right now" Having a big existential crisis of 'wait how did i even get in this lab, where's my family and why do i seem to have superpowers'. Protagonist mission: hide all the goddamn mirrors to avoid this weird ghostgramp (...aliengramp??) from realizing he's dead (..or an alien??) and losing control of himself. And everyone was running around talking about 'containment procedures' and poor maddiman didnt know that if his panic attack continued he might just straight up be killed for outliving his usefulness. So the protagonist was desperate to help him calm down and it sucked SO MUCH cos they had to lie about his past and weave the web of deception around him again for his own safety. In the end they just hugged him close until he calmed down, and all the other employees were like GASP THEY ACTUALLY TOUCHED THE EVIL DANGEROUS SUPER EVIL MAN and protag was like 'i am 1% away from slapping the next bitch who insults this grandpa'. And it was super depressing cos once he'd calmed down he seemed to start forgetting that anything bad had ever happened?? And he was really panicking and scared cos he didnt understand why he was forgetting, and he knew he had to cling onto something important but he didnt know what. And then five minutes later he was back to haha cheerful nothing is wrong and i love doing my fun science in this room im never allowed to leave. And protagonist was crying the tears that this poor gramp wasnt allowed to cry :(

Also actually i think maybe he was a ghost AND an alien? Like he was a scientist who died in some sort of tragedy back when the aliens first invaded, but along the way he'd been infected so his body got back up as a twisted combination of human and inhuman. And this was something unique to him, like he just happened to have a genetic mutation in his blood that was totally undetectable in life but happened to mix unpredictably with this alien virus to turn him into a hybrid instead of just killing him. So the government was very interested in finding a way to replicate this and create new supersoldiers, as well as just taking advantage of this dude's confused mental state that granted him a unique understanding of alien tech that made him more effective than other scientists. And, of course, also made him easy to manipulate :(

And i also had a feeling that maybe his backstory was mixed up with Adventure dr eggman? Like here it seemed he had a daughter instead of a son, and she had a similar death to Maria Robotnik where she was assasinated by the government he worked for, and it tipped him over the edge. I think Maddiman-alien-scifi-dude originally died trying to save her from being used in some sort of experiment? Like she was already dying of a disease and thats why maddiman took this job to have access to powerful government technology to try and look for a cure. But when the whole alien apocolypse happened, the evil government decided to use her for experiments cos she was 'basically dead anyway'. Theyd just lie and tell maddiman she died of her illness. So this was how they found out that this particular family's bloodline had a mutation that let them form a viable hybrid with alien dna. They were turning this poor kid into a monster in the basement while lying to her dad about her being dead! And maddiman was about to commit suicide from having no reason to live anymore, with the hell of this apocolypse world and the false impression that his kid was already dead. But somehow monster-daughter sensed this or something and broke out of containment to try and save him, and when he saw her he was able to recognise her even in her twisted state. So when the soldiers gunned her down in front of him and fed him some lies about this not being his daughter, he just completely snapped. He tried in vain to fight back and take down as many of them as possible in revenge, but well he was just a simple round dad with no ability to fight a government. So he was unceremoniously executed along with his kid and they shoved the bodies back in the lab to continue testing. "Damn that overemotional science dad, he made us execute our most valable test subject! But at least this way we can analyze his corpse to see if the mutation is passed down on the patrilineal side." But at some point during the fight, monster-daughter's blood had splashed on her dad and gotten into his bloodstream. So the seemingly dead body suddenly got up out of the morgue and started sucking people's blood or something. And this led to the current situation where they have him locked up cos he's a valuable test subject but also hey he has 100% reason to kill all of us and we're screwed if he remembers his past. Also i think the computer AI thing was his subconcious attempt to recreate the personality of his daughter even if he couldnt remember she'd ever existed :(

Anyway at some point things escalated and there was this final showdown versus both the invading aliens and the evil governmebt guys. I think there was some corrupt greedy politician dude who stole maddiman's teleporter tech and sold us out to the aliens cos he wanted money and power or something. And probably predictably the aliens just threw him off a bridge after he gave them the thing, because seriously even this evil army thinks these government dudes are too evil!

So this big actiony event was happening and Maddiman was freaking out like 'no no no i cant leave the lab everyone wpuld be mad at me, i dont even know what its like outside this room' even when he was in the middle of being attacked by aliens. He was forced to face his repressed memories to survive, and he naturally had a massive fuckin freakout! And i think maybe when protagonist character was trying to protect him he accidentally lashed out with his powers and hurt them, and he was so horrified thinking another person he cared about was gonna die because of him. Protagonist was like 'dont worry gramps its just a scratch' but he'd already freaked out and run away into the battlefield to his heavily implied death.

BUT THEN at some sort of moment of dire need, he came back all powered up and re-memoried and was like 'i have every reason to despise humanity but im not gonna let more children die because of these damn corporate monsters (and also literal monsters which are infinately less scary)" And he did some sort of great sacrifice to save the protagonist at the cost of his own life, and it was super dramatic falling from a building into a lake of fire or something. While sobbing and smiling peacefully thinkibg "did i atone for my sins? Will i be able to see my family again?" As his smiling face sunk beneath the flames and the protagonist cried out into the abyss...

Aaaaand then i dont really know what happened in the big battle and i also never found out wtf the solution was to fixing the transporter thing or how the aliens invaded or any of the million plot points that were non gramp related.

I just remember that when we all saved the day and defeated the baddies we found that maddiman had actually survived and it was a big hugs reunion. He was like "OH YEAH i totally forgot i literally already died once and regenerated from it, and this was the entire start to my story. My bad!" *shrugs inexplicably not dead arms*

So yeah in summary im glad my brain summoned up a universe where my favourite sad granddad is literally immortal now, but also why did it torment him with an even sadder plot than his original one

[gutsybitsies]

Bullet fic

scifi au, kinda: Bitty was kidnapped by a group for superpower experimentation, and presumed dead by everyone, including his husband. When he finally manages to escape, Jack’s moved on without him. Warnings for human experimentation (not very graphic), and presumed character death. This turned out to be very, very long. 

It’s years after Bitty graduated and he and Jack are married. As in, jack proposed and they got their marriage license immediately afterwards. they’re planning on jack coming out soon and holding a huge wedding reception after. 

jack’s signed a no trade clause and bought this nice, huge house a few blocks away from marty’s place. there’s a yard. jack built bitty a patio, and he built a swing set “for the kids in the future”

one day bitty’s invited to a fancy party with some other college alumns, and faulty wiring and a gas leak in the building blows everything up and theyre all pronounced dead or missing. bitty was one of the missing bc they couldn’t find anything in there that identified as him. 

but they weren’t actually dead or caught in the explosion: they were taken by a group who needed human bodies to experiment powers and run tests on. while bitty’s being strapped to a gurney and reliving his worst nightmare of being trapped, jack’s suffering a panic attack because he just got news that his husband died in a freak accident

it gets long loll. 

bitty doesnt remember most of the experimentation, because they have him under anaesthesia and hypnosis and a number of other drugs. he does notice that the group of scientists were trying to create humans with superpowers, and most of the test experiments react badly and die. 

the alumn group do well, as in most of them don’t die when injected with the drugs. some even exhibit powers, such as super strength, etc. 

nothing happens with bitty. he’s poked and prodded and injected and nothing happens to him. it’s painful, but he doesn’t die, but he also doesnt exhibit any kind of ability. 

that’s weird, so the scientists decide to basically freeze him away until further notice, and he’s begging and crying for them not to put him in the small and cramped cryo-unit, but of course there’s no recourse. 

the next thing he knows, the door is opening and someone from somewhere called “samwell”, a government agency, is rescuing him from this hellhole. 

they take him to a private hospital, and he sees himself in the mirror for the first time in a while. and he’s hideous. his face was riddled with scars, and his eyes look dead and sunken. 

the samwell agency has already sent out notifications to his family that he’s been found, because he’s been missing around five years, so technically there was an ongoing search for him and he wasn’t pronounced dead yet. 

and meanwhile bitty catches up to the world. and he finds out that jack zimmermann has a public fianceè. 

jack had come out as bisexual, had created a foundation in the name of eric bittle for lgbt youth, and had moved on from him apparently.

jack did all the right things. he grieved, and he grieved. he gave himself time for the loss, he dedicated time and energy to making sure eric bittle was remembered, he stayed in contact with friends and family, he joined support groups and did grief counseling and got better. 

and he met someone, and fell in love again, and is planning on a life together with Katy. bitty’s heart broke as he scrolled through happy instagram and twitter posts by Katy about her beautiful boyfriend jack zimmermann who was an over the top romantic, who bored her with history channel, and let her wear his jerseys. they were two beautiful people leading beautiful lives, and bitty’s can only look at his own weak limbs and face and think about how he’ll never deserve jack again.

jack’s one of the people to receive a notification that bitty was alive and found, because technically he was still married to bitty (he and kate had decided to wait until the date passed that bitty was officially pronounced dead, bc jack couldn’t bear to speed the process up). 

all bitty had wanted was to run home to providence and into the arms of his husband, but instead he called his parents. They were ecstatic that he was alive, and he prepared for the trip back to georgia. bitty doesn’t want to look at jack’s happy life and ruin it, and he doesn’t want jack to see him with his scarred face. but he does call jack, because he knows he owes jack that.

“Sweetpea?” He involuntarily called out, then berating himself because Jack has someone else now. 

“Bitty?” Jack’s heart thumped as he finally heard the voice he’d been missing for so many years. Katy was holding his hand, and his grip tightens. 

“Jack, I-I’m back.” Bitty cried, and Jack could almost hear the tears rolling down his face. He remembered how easily Bitty cried. “I can’t believe Beyonce released two new albums since I was out!” And it was as if Bitty never left. 

“Where are you? You should come back home.” Before Jack realized that he sold the house they lived in together, when he decided that it was too painful to live there alone. 

“I’m back in Madison. I saw the news, about Katy. I don’t want to intrude.”

“You’re not intruding, I’ll book-,” Jack began to say, but Katy was looking blank and scared and he realized that she was afraid that he was going to dump her. And Jack doesn’t fucking know what to do. 

“I’m so glad you’re alive,” Jack finally said, breaking down as Bitty continued to sob into the phone. “I’m just so happy you’re alive.” 

so one of the logistical problems that happens is that jack is technically still married to bitty. but he’s engaged to another person. and jack’s lawyer is raring to go. 

“don’t you worry, mr. zimmermann. i’ll take care of this in a jiffy so you can go ahead and marry your beautiful Katy. and don’t worry about alimony, i’ll make sure he takes nothing away from this marriage, even if there was no prenup.”

bitty, selfless as ever, comes up north to solve the problem himself. he’s willing to file for divorce papers with jack, and doesn’t request any alimony. 

jack, on the phone as bitty’s in the airport: “you don’t have to do this, you just escaped from that terrible place, you have to rest yourself before you do anything.” 

bitty: “oh sweetp- jack. it must’ve been so hard for you to move on, i dont want you to suffer anymore. you’ve built up a life without me, and if i saunter back in anytime later i’ll ruin everything. it’s better to do everything now.” before bitty regrets it. 

part of the reason jack didn’t drop everything and run to bitty is bc jack is very all or nothing. it hasn’t hit home yet that bitty was back. but when he and the rest of bitty’s friend are there in the airport seeing bitty walk in, jack finally felt it. 

grief counseling helped jack a lot, but there was always a piece of him missing, and even though he accepted it and his counselor said it was normal, it was only when he saw bitty again that he felt that missing piece return inside him. 

bitty had sent pictures to his friends to warn them about how he looked, but he didn’t send one to jack because he can’t bear jack seeing him scarred up like that. and he wore sunglasses and a cold mask on after exiting the plane because he wanted to avoid the moment of jack seeing his face for a bit longer. 

and when bitty sees his friends waving at him he runs over and instinctually hugs jack first. his sunglasses were knocked off and his mask was askew in the collision and jack’s expression when he saw bitty’s face was terrible. 

“bitty, what did they do to you?” cupped bitty’s face gently, still looking at bitty with love. bitty moves in closer and cupped jack’s hands, but he felt the engagement ring, and then backed off to say hello to everyone else. 

katy, jack’s fianceé, is conflicted. on the one hand, she’s really really happy that jack’s husband is alive, because she knows that jack has been grieving him for ages and had finally walked out of grief. on the other, she’s so in love with jack, and she’s deathly afraid that bitty being back meant that jack was going to leave her.

when she saw bitty at the small gathering held in his honor and saw all his scars, she horrified herself by being glad that he was disfigured. “How can I be this disgusting that I’m happy for his misfortune?? But I can’t help it, GAH!!” 

so the next day, bitty’s meeting with jack and katy, and their lawyers. jack and katy’s lawyer Smith, and bitty’s lawyer Shitty (bitty was like, i dont need a lawyer, and shitty was like, BRAH). 

Smith: “How much alimony do you want? My client,” looks down disdainfully at his paper, “is prepared to offer you half his estate.” 

Katy, “what the FUCK jack you didn’t tell me that! half of your estate? jack that’s crazy! we’re getting married i should know!” 

“I’m really sorry, it was a last minute arrangement. Bitty needs it.” 

Bitty’s really touched, he really is. But he refuses the alimony because “the whole reason i’m here is because i don’t want to cause any more trouble, jack. you can’t just give me half of what you have. you dont have to give me anything.”

katy, “that’s nonsense, you should still receive something. and you should also have your belongings from the storage unit, too.” 

when jack sold the house and moved into a smaller place, he placed some of bitty’s stuff into a storage unit. when he started dating katy, he moved the rest bitty’s stuff into storage. 

Shitty: “Bits, I know you don’t want to bother Jack more, but you’ve just gone through a really traumatic experience. You kind of need the support Jack’s offering you to get you back on your track with ease.” They agree to an amount that bitty’s comfortable with. 

Bitty, suddenly near the end, realizing that he was about to divorce the man who he still loves very, very much: “I cant do this today. I’m sorry, you were right, jack. I need to leave now. I can’t. I’m so sorry. I’m going.” And he leaves, with jack chasing after him. he waved off shitty and katy, told them to stay while he took care of it.  

“Bitty, Bits! Wait up,” he caught up to Bitty, and convinced him to come sit in Jack’s car. “Hey bud.” He sat next to bitty, who is trying not to cry in public. “Do you want me to take you back home?” 

“Home’s gone, Jack.” Bitty said softly. 

Jack’s throat tightened, because it was the same for him, too. The home that he’d made with Bitty was gone. And while he was able to build a new one, Bitty came back to nothing. 

Jack reached into the backpack that he was carrying around, and pulled out señor bun. “I’m sorry, this is the only thing I can think of that would make you feel better. I meant to give him back to you at the beginning of the talk, but it felt weird to take him out in front of everyone.” 

Bitty cried softly into señor bun, while Jack held him. 

“I’m so sorry, sweet-I mean, Jack. I didn’t want to burden you. I didn’t want to show up with my ugly, terrible, face to disgust you and all this baggage and bother you. I just wanted you to be happy, and now I’m messing it all up.” 

Jack smoothed over Bitty’s tears and thumbed the scar tissue on his face. He never, ever felt disgusted. Bitty was the same Bitty, only hurt a lot more. He was still kind, still self sacrificing, still everything that Jack fell in love with years ago. And Jack still thought he was beautiful. 

“Let’s go to a place where it still feels like home, okay?” He texted Shitty and Katy to let them know that he’s canceling today’s meeting and they’ll discuss the matter later, and he drove Bitty to the storage unit that held all of Bitty’s stuff.

“It was really hard putting these away in boxes, it felt like finally saying goodbye to you. ” Jack said, letting Bitty and himself inside. “I had our friends and family help, because then it felt like we were remembering you and all the good that you brought us, instead of like we were boxing you away.”

All the boxes were meticulously labelled, some in Jack’s handwriting, some in Lardo’s, mish mashes of Bitty’s friends and family coming together. Bitty picked up a small box that wasn’t labelled, and opened it. 

“Sweetheart,” he breathed out. “You kept my post it notes.”

Bitty opened a box labeled Clothes Bitty stole from me, “First of all, your stuff looked darn good on me-oh. This was your favorite game day hoodie, Jack. You should’ve just kept it instead of boxing it away.” 

“You loved to wear it, too. So I couldn’t bear looking at it.”  

“These were the salt and pepper shakers we bought at the flea market.” 

“Oh, you kept the kitchenaid gathering dust here? At least use it, Jack.” 

“My Ivy Park collection! But there’s more clothes here than I remember having bought.” 

“It was a bad phase where I went on a shopping spree and bought a lot of that brand online. It felt like I was buying them for you. You should definitely wear them, you’ll look great.”

Jack continued to show Bitty the boxes. “And this is weird, but these are the planks from the swing set in our backyard. I took it apart for some reason, and I couldn’t do anything with it…I put your socks here with your underwear and color coded everything…the scrapbooks that we made together isn’t here, I gave those to Suzanne…the recipe book you were writing up I gave to my maman…our souvenirs from our trip to Venice is in this box, the duck I carved you during that terrible woodwork workshop is also in here…”

Bitty touched his cheeks, and found that they were wet again. He looked at Jack, whose cheeks was also wet with tears as he explained every box that contained their life together. 

“What are we doing, Jack?” He asked. “I don’t even know why I thought this was a good idea, seeing you again. I thought this was the best way, to let you live your life without me. But now all I am is a selfish ol’ fool who’s begging you to-” he sobs, “-begging you to bring our old life back.”

And Jack has that moment of clarity again, where everything finally slotted together in his mind and in his life. 

“I want that,” Jack said, taking Bitty’s hand. “I want our life back together again. How could I have been so slow? You’re back, and I still love you, no matter what happened.” 

Katy was understandably distraught when Jack had that difficult conversation with her. She tried to persuade Jack otherwise, but gave up and wished him luck when she saw that stubborn look in Jack’s eyes. She actually thinks its very touching that jack’s still in love with someone who he thought died years ago, but thinks that its just her bad fucking luck that she had to be the person who’s abandoned. Bitty bakes her a guilt pie and she’s shameless enough to ask him for more, and he’s happy enough that she’s taking his guilt pie to bake her more. 

like i want to make it clear here that katy’s not a villain or an antagonist or anything, she’s just a person at the wrong place at the wrong time having pretty normal reactions and ultimately not doing any harm. 

and jack and bitty finally hold that wedding reception that they’ve been waiting for for years. there’s still a lot of problems, like bitty has really severe ptsd, but jack’s nearing retirement and has a lot more time to brainstorm with bitty and his therapists on how to deal with it. 

and of course when bitty accidentally cut off his finger and saw it grow back, there were more questions regarding what exactly did the organization do to him. 

but those were things he and jack faced together. 

[scarletrebel]

of madness and truth: the dark future details

i was going to do this in two sections cause i do wanna go through the present parts of the fic as well. mainly exactly why avia is torturing herself by wanting to see the simulation, why she decides to tell grier, and why osiris helps her. also, why osiris saw the simulation and what my perception of his opinions on toland are. 

but im too excited to share all the dark future ideas i have so uhh here you go @mrpinstripesuit if you have anything to add please please go for it!!

man why do we like torturing our kids aha

(also i broke it down like, a lot a lot not to be patronising but because i didnt wanna overwhelm people with bullet points aha)

“I guess I’ll have to explain it to you, like usual,” Grier says. “Since we killed Oryx? Three years. Since you snuck into my throne world and tried to kill me? Two and a half years. Since you killed Toland and trapped yourself in the Hive Overworld? Two years.”

three years: back in ttk days, grier chose to become the taken king after they killed oryx, so the rest of the clan had to get out of dodge and leave him. 

two and a half years: avia was very, very lost after that happened, and sought grier out by herself (and against the advice of literally everyone) just to talk to him. but, toland being the piece of shit he is, intercepted her and wouldn’t let them meet. then he convinced grier that she’d come to kill him and toland stopped her. avia then convinces herself that if she figures out how to kill toland, grier will be okay.

two years: in the split second after avia killed toland, in a complete panic grier trapped her in the overworld. he was the one who scratched the runes into the wall, theyre basically a strong but hurried version of the hive traps. 

the scene itself, the timeline that present avia sees is set just after the events of d2, around the time the savathuns song strike would have been undertaken. it’s the first time they’ve spoken since avia killed toland, but avia knows grier was responsible for trapping her. him telling her that shes there because she killed toland is the first notion that he’s there to lie to her to get her on his side, because he’s in denial and needs to know if savathun is actually coming to the system. hes not sure he’s strong enough to take her on, so he needs avia to take on the role of toland (or something advantageous to him at least) to give him an advantage. so he lies through his teeth.

“Yes – no,” Avia retches. “The singing,” she spits. “All she does is sing and sing and I can’t take it anymore!”

“Who?” Grier asks, sharp. “Who sings, Avia?”

Avia’s mouth opens around a name, but then she stops, and lets out a dry laugh. She drops her hands and pulls her head up to look at Grier. “Oh. Oh, are you telling me you don’t know?”

“It’s nor Ir Yut,” Grier ruffles, but shakes himself and addresses her with all the manner of a teacher dealing with an uncooperative student. “She’s gone. It’s not his daughters either, and no ordinary Deathsinger on account of how far it stretches across the system. I have my suspicions but you, are the only one who knows.”

Avia pierces him with her eyes, unrelenting and patronising.

“You know,” she says. “You know who it is.”

grier is…….. fucked up. he had toland whispering in his ear that he was doing everything right and he was getting oh so powerful, whilst withholding information about whether either of the sisters would come and kill him bc its toland, all he cares about is the sword logic. if he was actually alive when they came he’d probably just watch grier die with a smile on his face. 

then avia kills toland, and grier is so, so alone. all he has are the tablets of ruin, which explain the sword logic with such clarity, all the info that toland withheld from him, and he starts to get Worried. and then he hears savathuns song.

avia hears savathuns song, too. she actually started to gain control of herself in the hive overworld after she heard it. until then she was having all this information shoved into her head against her will. she knows a lot about the hive similarly to toland, because shes heard all these other songs and all this knowledge. she doesnt want to know, its far too much for her to handle, but she doesnt really have a choice. 

but then savathuns song made her realise the best way to get griers attention, so she just started screaming. every now and then, the screams would affect griers throne world. and that’s when he decided to go to her, to try and manipulate her with all the tools toland had given him. he had a feeling she was transforming into something, but went into the conversation just trying to convince her that she needed to help him.

“If you’re right, if I’m a liar just like Toland was, then even if I told you how they all died on my doorstep, you wouldn’t even think I was telling the truth.” A tilt of his head, the white matted fringe dangles slightly, helplessly. “Would you?”

none of the clan are dead. the eos’s did try and get avia out after rook was patrolling the dreadnaught and heard her voice, screaming. he couldn’t convince the vanguard to deploy a mission cause there was just no proof that avia was alive after sneaking to the dreadnaught to kill toland.

carver used his Hidden talents to track her down, got as far as the room where she was but the hive were about to overrun them. carver knew that avia wouldn’t want them to die in a rescue attempt, so he gets himself and his wife and child out of there and regroups with the others. carina is mad about it, but her mum and dad aren’t giving up.

the only other member of the clan who’s seen grier is rook. after the eos’s got back, he figured fuck it and went to get avia, his heart too broken to have the same clarity that they did regarding if he died.

that part grier wasnt 100% lying about -- rook actually finds the room, and grier is waiting for him. it’s a close fight, grier gets the chance to kill rook in the end, take his ghost and crush it under his heel but. he cant. so he tells rook to run, and if he ever comes back he wont just kill him, but he’ll make avia do it. (more lies about avia not remembering who he is probably idk)

grier lying to avia about their clan mates dying isn’t something he went into the conversation knowing he’d do. he was getting pissed at her holding back info out of spite, and thanks to this little comic by pin I wanted to play with him bitterly making her more and more upset by lashing out in such a vile way. grier is a hard character to find faults for aha but his quick anger and bitterness were interesting to play with when I dialed them up to eleven.

avia’s biggest fear is getting the people she loves and cares about killed, and grier still retains enough of himself to know that. so he just kinda, finds that vein and twists and pulls at it until avia breaks down and believes that she’s all alone -- that it really is just them two now. 

“I, I wouldn’t – no!” Avia yells, and the room shakes once more. Grier takes stock of it this time, his face twisting in amused curiosity as she rages on.

avia is turning into a deathsinger. 

in my head her ahamkara claws loose their silver plates over time and eventually, some time after her and grier talk she hears the ahamkara/worm gods/whatever with a scary amount of clarity, amplified by the fact that shes trapped in the overworld. they just convince her that shes not a guardian anymore, that shes something better, something more powerful. she spent so long being a soldier, a fighter for a dying cause, wouldnt this be better? to forge her own path, to listen to the songs and become something greater?

eventually she’ll decide (or think that she decided) that grier’s the only person she can protect anymore, and begins to accept the transformation. she adopts the same powers, I guess, as oryxs daughters. being able to weave reality and bend it to her/griers will. she’s basically ‘griers deathsinger’. her grief and anger fuel how powerful she is.

(i love...... corruption tropes so yeah this is basically whats happening to her aha.)

its an ironic parallel also because as i said before, grier is alone with the tablets, and avia is alone with the ahamkara. but grier said it was just them. theyre both transforming and changing at the same time into things they dont necesarily want to be because they couldnt see the consequences of their actions after one decision was made. but, they do eventually come together, just them, as grier makes avia believe -- as its meant to be. 

Afterwards 

i like to think eventually the clan decides to take grier on together to try and save avia, but they just get taken one by one instead, basically becoming different members of griers court and only making him stronger. they’re all far, far too attached and know that theres most likely no coming back if they do this. but after the city falls, theres no better time. no vanguard to stop them, no mission protocol. they regather after ghaul attacks and all decide to strike out by themselves. but it goes horribly wrong. 

avia’s full deathsinger transformation makes all of her armour look like the silver plated ahamkaras (because thats just her, in d1 they were my fave exotic and they’re very much a part of her character in that era for me) minus a helmet, and the silver is definitely more rusted. her eyes blacken over entirely and her cloak is massive and swishy and the hood almost covers her eyes, and thats in place of the skirt a deathsinger would normally have (a skirt just doesnt seem right for her aha)

avia becomes a very loyal, very cutthroat deathsinger. she’s literally at griers beck and call. like omnigul for crota, or as it said in the fic ir yut. 

[darling-i-fancy-you]

Fire - Jughead X Reader

[A/N: Okay so this was inspired by a fic I received just this afternoon and it’s also inspired heavily by my first panic attack when I actually thought I was going to die and that I was suffering a heart attack. I’m not sure but I hope I articulated well-enough how it kind of feels? I mean for me it’s pretty accurate but I understand that for everyone it can be totally different. 

Also, I didn’t intend for this to be as long as it is, I was aiming for a quick 600/700 words but ya got over 1000. Also not really romantic and more of a Jughead X Reader friendship thing cause that’s just they way this took me.

I hope the anon that requested this likes it, but it might not be exactly what they were looking for and also I feel like I did maybe romanticise a little with my metaphorical language, I’m not sure.]

It started with a pain in your chest, just underneath your ribs; as though someone had come along, taken hold of your lung and ripped it from its cavity. You took in a sharp breath which only made things worse, tightly you hugged your arms around your body. The sharp breath that you had taken struggled to find its way back to the surface, drowning in your lungs. Your eyes widened in panic as you took more sharp and quick breaths, each simply joining their friend in the black abyss of your chest.

‘What the hell is happening?’ You thought to yourself.

Physically your fingers began to tremble, the oxygen that you were trying to consume seemed to disappear before it could reach your desperate lungs. Were you suffocating or drowning? You couldn’t decide. You wanted to call or shout out for help but your usually articulate vocabulary was hidden behind a series of laboured breaths. You tried to tame your shaking hands by balling them up into tight fists, desperately they tried to uncurl themselves, your body fighting against you at every turn.

You were going to die right now, of that you were sure. Any minute now your rapidly beating heart would either explode or stop dead right inside your chest, was that what this was – a premature heart attack at the tender age of sixteen?

People in the hallway continued to move around you, couldn’t they see that you were dying right now? You tried to catch the attention of any of your fellow classmates, tears pricked at your eyes as they waltzed past you, oblivious to your internal war.

‘Y/N?’ Came the familiar voice from behind you.

‘Thank God!’ You thought as you whipped your head around to face the raven haired boy.

‘Y/N?’ He asked again, his voice filled with frantic concern.

Tears were freely slipping down your face, you pulled your shaking hand to your neck, hoping that he would understand what you trying to say.

‘I can’t breathe. I think I’m dying. Please help me.’

‘You can’t breathe?’ He asked as calmly as he could.

You shook your head frantically from side to side.

‘Okay, okay.’ He took hold of your shoulders, attempting to ease the trembling that had now consumed your whole body. ‘Can you speak?’

Your mouth opened and closed, choked breaths were the only thing to escape your lips. You shook your head again in defeat. Jughead nodded slowly and stared supportively into your eyes.

‘It’s okay Y/N, it’s going to be okay.’ He smiled softly and began to move to your side. ‘I know it might feel right now like you’re dying-’

You nodded at this, the light flow of tears had stopped but your breathing was still harsh and your limbs shook violently.

‘-but you aren’t.’ He finished.

He picked up your backpack that lay at the foot of your locker and swung it over his shoulder, with his other arm he linked yours and slowly began walking with you.

‘Let’s go to the Blue and Gold, it’ll be empty right now and we’ll work through this together.’

You watched him curiously, confusion mixed with fear was evident in your eyes. He sighed softly and rubbed the upper half of your arm.

‘I think you’re having a panic attack, Y/N.’ He looked away from you and continued to navigate you both through the stream of busy students. ‘My mom used to get them a lot when she was still in town. She said it felt like she was dying; like her body was betraying her.’

You continued to take heavy breaths through your mouth, desperate for any kind of relief, your lungs felt like they were on fire and the oxygen only fuelled it.

Jughead gently guided you into the dim room, he pulled out a chair and led you to sit on it. He crouched down in front of you, his cold and calm hands enclosed your trembling ones and he stared up at you.

‘Okay, so first things first, take a deep breathe in through your nose and count to three in your head, on the count of three let it out through your mouth.’

You did as he said.

One, two, three.

‘Okay now keep doing that.’

You continued to breath in and out, Jughead’s thumb lightly traced circles on the back of your hands. Cold air slowly began to fill your lungs, the burning pain was somewhat subsiding but you felt like at any minute you would be consumed by the flames once more.

‘Did I ever tell you about the time my mom thought I’d ran away?’ He smiled softly.

You thought back to all the many tales Jughead had told you about his childhood before you arrived in Riverdale. You vaguely remembered the one he was talking about, you nodded your head.

‘Do you want me to tell you again?’

You smiled as you took in another breath through your nose and nodded again lightly. He proceeded to tell you a long winded story about the best day he and Archie Andrews had ever had, it was the middle of summer and the boys had been out since the break of dawn exploring the entirety of Riverdale. They had been to the Sweetwater River, trekked through the deep Eversgreen Forest, ate dinner at Pop’s Chok-Lit-Shoppe, went back to the forest, then back to Pop’s for a replenishing snack and then ended the night by sneaking into the Twilight Drive-In. They were halfway through watching the latest Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull when suddenly the floodlights of the drive-in were all switched on and the police were running around shining torches in everyone’s faces.

‘We hadn’t been seen all day apart from by Pop but the idiots never thought to go there.’ He laughed. ‘They found me and Archie sat on the roof of the projector room, not a care in the world.’

You each shared a smile, slowly he pulled his hands back from yours, no longer were they shaking.

‘I bet you were grounded for months.’ Your voice had finally managed to find its way through the smoke and the flames.

‘Three.’ He confirmed with a nod. ‘Do you feel-‘

‘Better.’ You smiled softly, embarrassment setting in.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Jughead asked sincerely, he was stood up now and leaning against the table opposite to you.

‘I don’t really know what happened.’ You replied honestly, you felt exhausted and your chest still felt heavy. ‘I was okay and then suddenly I couldn’t breathe.’ Thinking about it made your lungs constrict again.

Jughead pushed himself up from the table and gently brushed your arm. Your bones felt heavy and your skin felt clammy underneath his touch. All you wanted right now was the comfort of your bed, you fought against the temptation to close your eyelids and instead looked at your friend, his face troubled with concern.  

‘Try not to think about it too much.’ He looked down and sighed. ‘I can’t pretend to know much about how you feel or what caused it, I just know that my mom used to get them when she was anxious or nervous, usually about my dad.’

‘I guess I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure lately,’ you fessed up, ‘what with my grades dropping, and my parents nagging at me to get a weekend job, and I suppose the whole murderer running around Riverdale thing hasn’t helped either.’ You added, trying to lighten the mood with some sarcastic undertone.

‘Well, Y/N, you know if you ever want to talk about any of that we’re all here for you. We’re all here for each other.’ His words were just as much for himself as they were for you.

All of you needed to support each other right now, you, Betty, Archie, Ronnie, Kevin and Jughead. You all had your own struggles and you couldn’t face them by yourselves, that’s what friends were for right.

‘Thanks Jug,’ you smiled and hesitantly wrapped your arms around his middle, ‘for everything.’

His usually tense body relaxed into yours, he rubbed his bony hands along your back and unexpectedly placed a light kiss to the crown of your head.

‘You’d do the same for me.’

And you would.

Tag List:

@nadya0128 @audreyxhorne @superoriginalteenwolf @sparklingriverdale @livierinforeva@iwannadiehere  @lostinpercyseyes @every-day-is-wednesday @mysticmurder@assonanceambiance@murderyoursoul @fuck-i-dont-care-anymore’t-care-anymore @satanwithstardust @itsjaynebird@phanofmydreams @pendletonthethird @doktorswho@frickflop @kingpendleton @an-enigmatic-avenger @captainjacksparkles@casismyguardianangel @lost-in-wonderland-x @the-winter-imagines @multiversegalaxygirl@lumiele @ineedtoorganizemybookshelf @florenceivy@yazminmcd @wishingtobelost@gottalovetheapocalypse @httpjugheadjones@whatsbetterthanfantasy @shameless-danni@caitsymichelle13 @iamthe80strash  @ri-verdale@divastar777 @mcheung0314@jamiemcrimmon @imanangelyouidjit@virusiswhatiam@chilloutenya @kashfghjkl@fizzylollipop12@imperfectanatomy

[thedragoon]

A vent, a rant. don’t read.

i need to vent desperately so sorry but like god i just need to know that this hateful shit exists in the universe somewhere i hate this god damn fucking holiday season i hate it I HATE IT FUCKING SHIT GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKERS PISS ON THIS FUCKING SEASON. So tired to fucking DEATH of everywhere i look seeing all these cheerful happy motherfuckers talking about plans and holidays and i go home to an EMPTY fucking HOUSE every single god damn day. i’ve been doing so well swerving out of depression lately but it feels like this holiday shit is going to strangle me to death AGAIN. and i don’t know if i can drag myself out of it again, my support system is more barebones than any other point in my life and i have nothing and no one to lean on this time... i just..ache..so fucking much. physically, because i stopped going to the gym and started eating like shit over a month ago, a huge fucking sign that i was repressing things again but of course i REPRESSED THAT I WAS REPRESSING SHIT. and my mental state is so bad because its that FUCKING time of year again and of course it wouldn’t be the holidays without my witch of a mother smashing every single horrible thing that i have ever experienced, said or done in my face. Perfect example:My temp room mate needed to go pick up something from walmart for her daughter. I told her long ago and repeated it yesterday, that i am not her ride(She has no car), or source of labor and will not be involved in any christmas shit regardless of anything else!  But shes become friends with my mom. asked her if she could borrow her truck, so my mom took her to get the thingy for her daughter. Which is fine, whatever, i just want to be left alone. But nope. See, she bought her daugher this carriage..thing that weighs like..100 pounds easy? So none of these tiny fucking women could lift it. And no one bothered to ask any other person to come help or put any foresight into it.  No, instead my mom BEATS ON MY DOOR when i was deadass asleep(and bear in mind, i havent been sleeping for shit for months now? Insomnia back, full blown, another fucking sign i ignored.). But anyway, she beats the fuck out of my door when i had barely been asleep 2 hours, and i was in the middle of a horrible fucking nightmare about running and gunning back in H-town, so i wake up disoriented and scared out of my fucking mind. I had a full blown panic attack, desperately looking around my room for a gun i no longer possess because i was absolutely certain the cops were kicking in my door and i was about to die. 5 minutes later i finally figure out where the fuck i am and what had happened. And of course im pissed off so i fly out of my room cursing up a storm My fucking SAINT of a mother gets offended that im angry at being awoken in this manner, so she proceeds to drop the following”Stop acting so filthy and ungrateful, its not like you need sleep anyway, its 4 in the afternoon(BITCH I WORK 12 HOUR NIGHT SHIFTS), your brother would be ashamed of you, the least you can do is help her give her daughter a good christmas, its not like i have a grandchild of my own to be concerned with, you let that one die, i raised you to be better than this its bad enough your going to hell just be nice for once Jordan would be ashamed of you”on and on and on... So i went out, lifted the fucking box out of the truck, pushed it into house, and went back to my room. put on some loud, sad music so no one would hear and wept my fucking heart out. I havent cried i SO GOD DAMN LONG. Because in that one 2 minute exchange, my mom managed to bring to mind 1:My poor dead baby girl, as well as reminding me that im a horrible person and failure as a father and (ex)husband 2:My dead brother(Jordan), whom i’ve already been thinking about too much because this is his favorite time of year 3:That i’m a lazy worthless human being, because work 12-15 hours a day isn’t enough, i did nothing with my potential, like i don’t beat myself up about that EVERY FUCKING DAY. 4:That i am(because belief systems get embedded in you, even if i’m no longer a christian i still FEAR) going to hell, because i’m a worthless, murderous, divorced foul mouthed deviant and the only reason she even interacts is because jordan died and im the only hope she has left 5:Bonus points:Slipping in that she “didnt raise me to be like this”When she in fact, abandoned me to the justice system when i was around 12. I survived in SPITE of what she did to me, not because of it.

Pile on top of this that friends have made it very clear that i will be spending both christmas and new years absolutely alone because no one feels like dealing with me when im sad and...i just..

why do i bother anymore? I am fighting so hard to grow and change but for fucking what? i dont want anything out of life... don’t believe in love or fulfillment in relationships anymore, i don’t believe good sex is even a thing. i don’t have anything i want or strive towards i just work and try to make myself comfortable and game half ass workouts.. 

i just..i’m exhausted...of this life ya’ll...and i get that my life isn’t that bad but i’m a coward and not strong enough for it regardless..

maybe i should give up

for real this time

for good.

[badlydrawnstuff]

this is old feat loki having been dead p2

.

Actual Toaster: Robin: *he ENTERS* Heyy, have any of you seen Loki? I doubt you know who he is, but he's short, blond, has really long hair that he keeps braided... Like it's long to the point where it's almost to the floor. Uh, he's fair skinned, bright green eyes? Feeling Punch: Orpheus: Haven't seen, only heard of. *he looks up from his sheet music* Has something happened? Actual Toaster: Robin: Well, I'm just hoping he's not where I think he is! Feeling Punch: Orpheus: If that's here, then I can't help you. Too large to bother Actual Toaster: Robin: Oh, no, I was just worried he might be in the Palace again! Feeling Punch: Orpheus: Good luck there, either. Actual Toaster: Robin: Thanks for the advice, though! I'll leave you alone. *and he Exits* Feeling Punch: *what shall you do next, robin* Actual Toaster: Robin: *go the next room over!* Feeling Punch: *progress is not made* Actual Toaster: Robin: *ok how about the NEXT room* Feeling Punch: *someone is there but* Actual Toaster: Robin: *who it be* Feeling Punch: *its minato* Actual Toaster: Robin: Heyy, have you seen Loki? Short guy, long blond hair that he braids, almost reaches the floor long? Bright green eyes? Feeling Punch: Minato: Uh? Nnnno, sorry. Actual Toaster: Robin: Damn. I'll keep looking, then, thanks for the help! Actual Toaster: Robin: *ONWARDS TO THE NEXT ROOM* Feeling Punch: *just mink! and a coffin. she's sitting on the coffin. with a pillow. nbd* Actual Toaster: Robin: Heyy, have you seen Loki? Short, blond, really long braided hair, green eyes? Feeling Punch: Minako: Nope, sorry! Actual Toaster: Robin: Shhhoot. That means he IS where I think he is. probably. Actual Toaster: Robin: Thanks for the help, though! *off to find lupin* Feeling Punch: *arsene seems to be out right now* Actual Toaster: Robin: *OUT WHERE THIS IS IMPORTANT* Feeling Punch: *NOT HERE, I DONT KNOW* Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Arsene] Have you seen Loki? is he with you by chance ? Feeling Punch: Arséne: [Text: to Robin] Non, non, busy, was hoping you'd know Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Arsene] I think I know where he is then, since I haven't seen him since 3 this morning Feeling Punch: Arséne: [text: to robin] Do get him, then. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Arsene] Im not going into the Palace alone !! Do you think I want to die !! Feeling Punch: Arséne: [text: to robin] Fair enough Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Arsene] & if youre busy there is no point in bothering, Ill just wait for him to show up at 3am again Feeling Punch: *robin is back to square one* Actual Toaster: Robin: hmm. Actual Toaster: Robin: *ok back to that guy who knew what the palace is. white hair dude. yep* Feeling Punch: Orpheus: No luck? Actual Toaster: Robin: Absolutely none! Which means he is in the Palace. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: Good luck. Actual Toaster: Robin: I don't think I have a death wish. Not yet, anyway Feeling Punch: Orpheus: Then what are you going to do about it? Actual Toaster: Robin: ... I don't know. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: I see. Actual Toaster: Robin: I mean, I guess I could go get him, but then I have to fight him. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: And that'd work out how? Actual Toaster: Robin: Prooobably badly! Feeling Punch: Orpheus: Time to not do that. Actual Toaster: Robin: considering he can hit my weakpoints. And... I can't hit his! Feeling Punch: Orpheus: Fair enough. Actual Toaster: *timeskip* Feeling Punch: *Minato goes on a snack run! It's popcorn day! ... And then he trips. He mourns some of his fallen popcorn, eats it because he doesn't fucking care, and then looks at what he tripped on* Actual Toaster: *hi goro. wait, what?* Feeling Punch: Minato: *uhhh* Actual Toaster: *i dont think hes awake rn so* Feeling Punch: Minato: *uhhhh. he solves this problem by holding the popcorn bag with his mouth, and picking up "goro"- and not bridal style* Actual Toaster: *easy enough* Feeling Punch: *and then he drags his ass to the room he was in- which was where Orpheus is. he migrated at some point* Feeling Punch: *And Orpheus proceeds to message Robin. At least twice.* Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Orpheus] whqt Feeling Punch: Orpheus: [text: to Robin] Your skill with the english language is intriguing! Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Orpheus] foubnd wyho Feeling Punch: Orpheus: [text: to Robin] Loki. I was going to joke your mother, but that would be uncouth of me. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Orpheus] hewre Feeling Punch: Orpheus: [text: to Robin] Kitchen, here. Wake up, first, then come. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Orpheus] wok cwell wehre are yvou Feeling Punch: Orpheus: [text: to Robin] jhkjghs Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Orpheus] okg. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: [text: to Robin] When you've finished having your temporary fit of dyslexia, please respond in plain english. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Orpheus] its not dyslexnia i jusht woke ugp Feeling Punch: Orpheus: [text: to Robin] I said plain english. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Orpheus] Thou art truly an asshole. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: [text: to Robin] Thank you. Actual Toaster: *robin doesnt text back, so I think its safe to assume hes on the way* Feeling Punch: *hooray* Actual Toaster: Robin: *and he enters* I hope you're aware you woke me up for this. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: I figured it was important enough to warrant so. Actual Toaster: Robin: I suppose. Do you want me to take him off your hands then? Feeling Punch: Orpheus: I'd think you should, seeing nothing is being done about him. *he looks at Minato, who's gone back to eating popcorn and typing something up* Actual Toaster: Robin: *he sighs* Alright, well, thanks. *he tosses loki over his shoulder* Good night, then. Feeling Punch: *this proceeds to happen at least 3 more times. Thanatos trips on Loki at least two of these times. Minato loses his fruit punch the third, and he's had enough* Actual Toaster: Robin: This is getting ridiculous. Feeling Punch: Minato: I lost my drink.. Actual Toaster: Robin: Give him here, and if he goes to the Palace again tomorrow I'm personally going to kick his ass. Feeling Punch: Minato: That's how you die. Actual Toaster: Robin: I don't care at this point. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: I'm going to watch and play music over your dead body. Actual Toaster: Robin: That's fine. Just don't die. Feeling Punch: Minato: Way ahead of you. Actual Toaster: Robin: Ah. *and he goes out, loki in tow* Feeling Punch: *now theyre at palace land. mink and thanny have come along* Actual Toaster: Robin: Try to avoid the demons, yeah? Feeling Punch: Minato: If course. Actual Toaster: Robin: Great, let's go. I don't think he'll be that hard to find. Feeling Punch: *he proceeds to be very difficult to find until they find the trail of dead demons* Actual Toaster: Robin: He could at least clean up. *he is carefully avoiding the bodies. this is nasty.* Feeling Punch: Orpheus: I've already had the mental image of Izanagi's face if he saw this. Actual Toaster: Robin: I haven't even told him. I don't think he needs to be worrying about his adopted son even more. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: Oh, fair enough. Actual Toaster: Robin: Now where is he?... Feeling Punch: *i dont know, he's your dude, you tell me* Actual Toaster: *the answer is. shapeshifted into goro, in the black mask outfit, over there. slaughtering a demon.* Feeling Punch: Orpheus: ah Actual Toaster: Robin: *and he nocks an arrow and takes aim at loki. he lets loose and... misses...* Feeling Punch: Orpheus: You made your grave, now lie in it. Feeling Punch: Thanatos: How exciting. Actual Toaster: Robin: What, you're just going to throw me under the bus? Feeling Punch: Orpheus: I'm not fighting him. Actual Toaster: Loki: *IIIII HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE PANIC VOIIIICE* Feeling Punch: *.... it's fucking nothing* Actual Toaster: Loki: *ok thats cool. death parade time* Feeling Punch: Minako: You look worried! What'd that do?? Actual Toaster: Robin: It's a buff... We can't affect it, either. Feeling Punch: Minako: Drat.. Actual Toaster: Robin: On the upside, it also lowered his defense!... Actual Toaster: Loki: *agidyne. fuck you robin* Feeling Punch: *Orpheus sits down and quietly begins playing. Thanatos decides it's party time and steps up to the plate* Actual Toaster: Loki: *he completely forgoes magic and lunges for thanny's face. oh, those are clawed gloves* Feeling Punch: Thanatos: *his reply is to charge Hell's Gates. at point blank* Actual Toaster: Loki: *nope. sword gettin jammed RIGHT into ur face. kinda* Feeling Punch: Minako: *ouCH* Feeling Punch: *the charge is cancelled. Thanny drops like a rock. Mink swallows a bead at the same time* Actual Toaster: Robin: *hes just. silently screaming. fair enough* Actual Toaster: Loki: *and he puts his foot on thanny's face so he can pull his sword out of thanny's goddamn skull* Feeling Punch: *thanny doesn't do anything. he's dead* Actual Toaster: Loki: *and he lunges at robin. robin's silent screaming is now actual screaming as he rolls to the side and shoots at loki. he just barely misses loki and just hits loki's cape. in other words, he accomplished Nothing* Feeling Punch: *Thanny slowly gets up, and casts Die for Me. card soldiers from the sky.* Actual Toaster: Loki: *he turns his attention to the cards instead of robin. i hope these shitty paper men like swords* Feeling Punch: *there's a lot of them! have fun, loki* Actual Toaster: *i dont think thats phasing loki any* Feeling Punch: *fight them all, loki* Actual Toaster: *he sure is* Feeling Punch: *Meanwhile, Orpheus is still playing. He may or may not be using Lullaby at this point* Actual Toaster: Loki: *and now that there are no more shitty paper people, its back to attacking robin. robin has managed to put some space between himself and Loki, so he promptly uses Kougaon. this barely phases loki, though, so he just keeps goING* Feeling Punch: *Minako, completely ignoring Minato's warning, runs and jumps onto his back. Friendship hug, but more offensive* Actual Toaster: Loki: *and he drops down onto mink* Feeling Punch: Minako: Hey, you big oaf! Actual Toaster: Robin: H-hey, wait, he's- *before he can fiNISH, loki shapeshifts into a (large) snake and wriggles away from mink, before returning to his previous appearance* Feeling Punch: Minako: Oi, get back here! *she gets back up, and picks her naginata up* Don't make you pin you again! Actual Toaster: Loki: *he'll get back there, alright, bY LUNGING TOWARD HER* Feeling Punch: *And Minako swings at Loki like a baseball bat* Feeling Punch: Minako: Home run! Actual Toaster: Loki: *he stumbles, but then goes to swing at mink anyway* Feeling Punch: *Minako hops back! Thanatos screams from behind Loki. Loki wins Thanatos jumping on him. Bye* Actual Toaster: Loki: *he stays. up. for a grand total of like five seconds before being crushed under thanny. rip* Feeling Punch: Thanatos: *he just. puts his head on his hand. and gives Orpheus this expectant look. Orpheus gets up to move in* Actual Toaster: Loki: *he's just. screaming. thrashing. trying to get out from under thanny* Feeling Punch: *Thanny just looks at him* Actual Toaster: Loki: *GET OFF OF MEEEE* Feeling Punch: *nope.* Actual Toaster: Loki: *he slowly stops struggling, and. then passes out.* Feeling Punch: Thanatos: ... Finally. *he rolls off of Loki* Actual Toaster: Robin: That was... more terrifying that I anticipated... Feeling Punch: Thanatos: I'm not apologizing. Actual Toaster: Robin: Please never make that sound again. Feeling Punch: Thanatos: Get used to it. Actual Toaster: Robin: No way! Feeling Punch: *Thanatos smirks! but you can't see it* Actual Toaster: Robin: Who's... carrying him? Feeling Punch: Thanatos: No one. *he produces his coffin, and dumps Loki on it* Actual Toaster: Robin: ... Is that safe? It seems like he'll roll off... (and that's creepy) Feeling Punch: Thanatos: It's always worked. Actual Toaster: Robin: you underestimate his ability to be difficult. Feeling Punch: Thanatos: He'll be in the coffin if he is. Actual Toaster: Robin: I'm inclined to say that's safest. Feeling Punch: Thanatos: Would you want to wake up in a coffin? *but, he produces the rest of it and dumps him in* Actual Toaster: Robin: Well, no, but like I said. Feeling Punch: Thanatos: Whatever. lets go. Actual Toaster: Robin: Okay, okay, fine, let's go. Actual Toaster: Robin: Oh, yeah, thanks for the help... Feeling Punch: Minako: You're welcome! Actual Toaster: Robin: *so he goes!* Feeling Punch: *and they follow Robin back. Rest stop!* Actual Toaster: Robin: I can, uh, take him now. Feeling Punch: Thanatos: Go ahead. *he opens the coffin. Loki has not died.* Actual Toaster: Robin: *he looks a bit weirded out, but, he grabs loki (who has since reverted back and is still unconscious) and goes to dump him on a bed. specifically goro's. he comes back a couple minutes later* What do you four plan on doing?... Feeling Punch: Minako: We'd leave, but two've us have a bit of a headache... Do you mind if we stick around for a bit? Actual Toaster: reason robin took a while; loki latched onto him. robin had to find a replacement. loki now has stuffed animal Actual Toaster: Robin: Oh, certainly. If you need anything just ask! Feeling Punch: Orpheus: Minato wants to know if he can steal food. Actual Toaster: Robin: Sure, just dont eat everything. Feeling Punch: Minato: I'll try not to. Actual Toaster: Robin: Sounds fine. *and he goes and flops down onto the couch* Actual Toaster: Loki: *he finally gets up and is. Confused. So he sits bolt upright, and then realizes where he is. two seconds later he realizes his chest hurts. he ignores it and goes out of the room, rubbing his ribs (and still holding on to the stuffed animal robin dropped on him)* Feeling Punch: *these two children are eating all of his food. a robot over there. creepy coffin. it's empty* Actual Toaster: Loki: *he. Squints. he doesnt remember going out drinking. wtf* Feeling Punch: Minako: ... Oh! You're up finally! Actual Toaster: Loki: "Finally"?... Feeling Punch: Minako: You've been passed out since last night! Actual Toaster: Loki: I don't remember going drinking Feeling Punch: Minako: Oh, you didn't! Actual Toaster: Loki: ... ??? Feeling Punch: Minako: You went berserk? Thanny and Orph had to take you down! Actual Toaster: Loki: Well, I recall the first bit. Actual Toaster: Loki: But. What. Feeling Punch: Minako: Not the fight? Nobody hit you on the head... Actual Toaster: Loki: I. Don't really remember anything after the going berserk part. Feeling Punch: *Minako explains the fight! Minato doesn't help.* Actual Toaster: Loki: Ah. I'll have to apologize for that then, I guess Feeling Punch: Minako: It's okay! You weren't in control! Actual Toaster: Loki: ......That was, um, self induced. Feeling Punch: Minako: ... Huh? Actual Toaster: Loki: I, uh, did that to avoid having to think about some...things that happened. Feeling Punch: Minako: ... Oh! *she puts her poptart down. and smacks Minato's hand away* You probably don't wanna talk about it? Actual Toaster: Loki: Nah, not really. It's kinda... *he waves his hand* Feeling Punch: Minako: Oh, no, that makes sense! *she shrugs a little* Actual Toaster: Loki: It was just stress relief, really. Feeling Punch: Minako: I don't know.. You seemed pretty stressed.. Actual Toaster: Loki: Hardly. Feeling Punch: Minako: Hey.. C'mon, sit down, eat something! Actual Toaster: Loki: Maybe later. Feeling Punch: Minako: Noo! You really should! Actual Toaster: Loki: I'll eat later, don't worry about it! Feeling Punch: Minako: Toooo late! Actual Toaster: Loki: No, really, kid, don't worry about it. Feeling Punch: Minako: All right, how about you eat something before my persona decides you're next in line for Tartarus? :D Actual Toaster: Loki: I'm good. Feeling Punch: Minako: ... Minato, do something to help here! Feeling Punch: Minato: .... Threat, threat, Thanatos ripping your head off, threat, threat, etc Actual Toaster: Loki: How convincing. Feeling Punch: Minato: Food is good. *he goes to grab Mink's poptart. his hand is almost stabbed by a fork* Actual Toaster: Loki: Hm, well, I'll take your word for it. Feeling Punch: Minato: Just don't take her food. Actual Toaster: Loki: *and he goes into the kitchen and gets down a cup. He exits and returns a few moments later with a bottle of whisky. loki....* Feeling Punch: Minako: That's not food! Actual Toaster: Loki: Never said it was. Feeling Punch: Minako: Go get food! Actual Toaster: Loki: Later. *and he leans against the counter and considers his cup for a minute. he decides not to be nasty and just pours out like half a glass, then adds some water to it* What are you so worried about, kid? Feeling Punch: Minako: You! :Dc Actual Toaster: Loki: *He raises an eyebrow and takes a sip of his drink* Actual Toaster: Loki: Why? Feeling Punch: *Mink goes to answer, but she's bumped by Minato* Actual Toaster: ? Feeling Punch: Minato: She's concerned. Good luck, you'll never hear the end of it. Actual Toaster: Loki: *He puts his drink down* Why? I'm fine. Actual Toaster: Robin: That's a- Actual Toaster: Loki: Didn't ask you. Feeling Punch: Minako: It's obviously a lie! Actual Toaster: Loki: Obviously? Feeling Punch: Minako: Obviously! Actual Toaster: Loki: And what makes it obvious to you? Heeeeeeeeerrrreeee's Actual Toaster! Feeling Punch: Minako: .... Thanny says you look like shit, for one, and you're probably not fine. Most people aren't! Actual Toaster: Loki: I just woke up. Feeling Punch: Minako: Okay, sorry- Looked like shit. Actual Toaster: Loki: When? Feeling Punch: Minako: Yesterday? Actual Toaster: Loki: Looked like shit after I'd been fighting for several hours? Yeah, that tends to happen. Feeling Punch: Minako: And why were you doing That?? Actual Toaster: Loki: Does it matter? Feeling Punch: Minako: I'd like to know? Actual Toaster: Loki: Why? Actual Toaster: Loki: It doesn't really matter, now does it? It killed time, so I did it. Feeling Punch: Minato: Thrilling. Sounds absolutely exciting. Feeling Punch: Minato: Is the Palace always full of demons like that? Actual Toaster: Loki: I'd say it's normal. Feeling Punch: Minato: Huh. Okay. Actual Toaster: Robin: Not clustered together like that. Feeling Punch: Minato: I was told they only did that when they detected an intruder.. Actual Toaster: Loki: *He picks up his drink and swirls it around in the glass before taking a sip* I can control the Palace completely. Feeling Punch: Minato: Great, can you make it easier to navigate? Actual Toaster: Loki: What do you mean easier to navigate? You aren't going there. Feeling Punch: Minato: I have been there. Actual Toaster: Loki: Once or twice, maybe. Feeling Punch: Minato: I was brought by Sheepy and Arséne, and definitely more than once. Actual Toaster: Loki: Well, no, that's not really something I can do. Feeling Punch: Minato: Then you wouldn't have complete control, huh? Actual Toaster: Loki: I probably could. Actual Toaster: Loki: But that's too much effort. *he has another sip of his drink* Feeling Punch: Minato: I thought I was lazy.. Actual Toaster: Loki: Surprise, I have you beat. Feeling Punch: Minato: Cool. Actual Toaster: Loki: You have a strange sense of what's cool. Feeling Punch: Minato: Whatever. *he makes a second attempt for mink's poptart. success?* Actual Toaster: Loki: *he has another sip of his drink but doesn't comment on this* Feeling Punch: Minako: C'mon, buddy, y'gotta do better than wrecking yourself to ignore your feelings! Actual Toaster: Loki: I'm not wrecking myself. Feeling Punch: Minato: Passing out in random places at 3 am is bad for your health. Actual Toaster: Loki: It was only a few times. Feeling Punch: Minato: I tripped on you two of those. ... Actual Toaster: Loki: 's unfortunate. Actual Toaster: Loki: That all you have to say on the matter, though? Feeling Punch: Minato: I'm not going to pin you down and force you to do other things. That's Minako's job. Actual Toaster: Loki: How about we don't at all? Feeling Punch: Minato: Don't tell me that. Actual Toaster: Loki: Fine. *he looks to mink.* Feeling Punch: Minako: fight me Actual Toaster: Loki: No. *he has another sip of his drink* Feeling Punch: Minako: Why not? Actual Toaster: Loki: What does that accomplish? I already hurt. Feeling Punch: Minako: Did I say literally? Actual Toaster: Loki: You may as well've. Feeling Punch: Minako: *she goes to grab the last poptart. it is absent* .... I was going to shove that poptart into your mouth, but apparently not. Actual Toaster: Loki: *and he looks to min* My hero. Feeling Punch: Minato: I feel my own death impending. Actual Toaster: Loki: Rest in piss. Feeling Punch: Minato: That, too. Actual Toaster: Loki: Have fun. *he takes another sip of his drink* Feeling Punch: Minato: I absolutely would. Do you want this wall to be crimson or maroon? Actual Toaster: Loki: Eh? Feeling Punch: Minato: Because I'll be dead, and probably pinned to that wall. Actual Toaster: Loki: Do it outside. I'm not cleaning up your mess. Feeling Punch: Minato: *he briefly wonders if the palace self-cleans* Actual Toaster: Robin: That's your problem?... Actual Toaster: Loki: What would you like me to say? Actual Toaster: Loki: "I'll gladly clean up after you"? Actual Toaster: Robin: No! Actual Toaster: Robin: This is when you'd say something like how doing something like that is illegal! Actual Toaster: Loki: *He scoffs* Not my business. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Raphael] If you are not busy would you mind offering advice ?? Actual Toaster: someone tried to log into my twitter again. Feeling Punch: Raphael: [text: to Robin] I'm not! What's up? ^^? Feeling Punch: raph knocks rocks off his desk, its texting time Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Raphael] Its in regards to Loki... hes been drinking (among other things !!) instead of dealing with his issues . Any clue on if theres anything I can do to help him out ? Feeling Punch: Raphael: [text: to Robin] oooh... Not that, for one. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Raphael] I dont imagine alcohol would be helpful in this but Im not so sure I can take it away from him ... Feeling Punch: Raphael: [text: to Robin] Is it a lot? Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Raphael] hes standing in the kitchen with a bottle of whiskey ... but hes not drinking from the bottle and hes not drinking it straight Feeling Punch: Raphael: [text: to Robin] That's not as bad. Is he doing this constantly? Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Raphael] he will yes ! Hes been switching between drinking and fighting (I think) from what Ive seen so far ... He will do one for a few days and then switch to the other Feeling Punch: Raphael: [text: to Robin] Make him stop avoiding his own grief. That's the first step to coping, and he's nowhere near it. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Raphael] Any suggestions on how to go about that ? Feeling Punch: Raphael: [text: to Robin] Yes, but it'll be a lengthy paragraph.. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Raphael] I dont mind ! I can wait a bit if you need . Feeling Punch: *raph sends multiple links to websites, and a massive textblock worthy of a nobel prize* Actual Toaster: Robin: *he makes sure to read Everything, texts raph a thank you, and then gets up and takes the booze away from loki.* You two didn't eat all our snacks, didja? Feeling Punch: Minako: Nope! Just the poptarts! Actual Toaster: Robin: Then I'll put poptarts on the shopping list. Actual Toaster: Loki: *hes trying to get his booze back. alas, robin is taller than him and put it up on a shelf he cant reach.* Feeling Punch: Minato: It's gone now. Actual Toaster: Loki: Oh, be quiet. Actual Toaster: Robin: I think you've had enough to drink for the week, anyway. Actual Toaster: Loki: It was only one glass, come on- Actual Toaster: Robin: *he gives loki this Look* Feeling Punch: Orpheus: At that rate, you'll outdrink the god of wine. Actual Toaster: Robin: I wouldn't be surprised if he already has. He spent all Monday doing nothing but drinking... Feeling Punch: Orpheus: If I had kidneys, they'd be hurting in sympathy. Actual Toaster: Robin: I think I have that part covered for you. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: How kind of you. Actual Toaster: Loki: Give me back my alcohol already. Actual Toaster: Robin: you can't drink your pain away you idiot Actual Toaster: Loki: Wh- what are you implying? Actual Toaster: Robin: You are terrible at coping. Feeling Punch: Minato: Ouch. Actual Toaster: Robin: I don't think getting hammered and passing out on the couch is coping Feeling Punch: *Orpheus does not add his two cents, which would have been "It's not. Trust me, I know."* Actual Toaster: Loki: Shut up, I'm doing fine. Actual Toaster: Robin: I don't need Izanagi to tell me that was a lie Feeling Punch: Orpheus: Ouch. Actual Toaster: Robin: *He rolls his eyes* Whatever. But you aren't drinking any more. Actual Toaster: Loki: *He puts his hands on his hips and huffs* Actual Toaster: Robin: Don't make me get your mum. I will. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: oooo​ooooooo Actual Toaster: Loki: And I'll actually kick your ass, you sodden biscuit Actual Toaster: Robin: Go eat something. Actual Toaster: Loki: No. Actual Toaster: Robin: Then go to bed. Actual Toaster: Loki: How about I leave instead? Feeling Punch: Minato: Nope. Banned. Actual Toaster: Robin: No, because you'll go drink somewhere else or go somewhere I can't mention because there are children present. Feeling Punch: Minato: ... We're both legal age, Robin. Feeling Punch: Minato: We get it, he's going to go to a strip club, get drunk, and get laid. Actual Toaster: Robin: You don't have to be so blunt! Feeling Punch: Minato: Whatever. Actual Toaster: Robin: And I was talking about somewhere, er, worse than that. But anyway! Actual Toaster: Loki: *He makes an annoyed sound before giving up and going to his room to sleep.* Feeling Punch: Minato: Nice progress. Actual Toaster: Robin: Thank you, I suppose. Feeling Punch: Minato: Maybe we should leave handling him to you. Actual Toaster: Robin: I've got help, I'm not doing it alone. Haha... Feeling Punch: Minato: Oh? Actual Toaster: Robin: I've been asking Raphael for help where I need it. Feeling Punch: Minako: Oh! I'll let the expert handle it, then! Actual Toaster: Robin: 'S probably for the best. Actual Toaster: Robin: Admittedly, I'm about ready to just leave Loki with him... Actual Toaster: Robin: It's that or Izanagi. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: He probably wouldn't appreciate that. Actual Toaster: Robin: Well, I've had it up to here. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: And you'll be much better if left alone? Actual Toaster: Robin: Why wouldn't I be? Feeling Punch: Orpheus: I was only asking. Actual Toaster: Robin: Maybe not better off, but less stressed. I like people, but it's nice to not be babysitting someone who can't cope with their own grief. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: Fair enough. Actual Toaster: Robin: Maybe I will do that.. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: Or maybe just restrict alcohol until he learns to behave. Actual Toaster: Robin: "Restrict alcohol"... I don't even know where he got that whiskey. I got rid of everything else. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: Oh. I'm sorry, then. Actual Toaster: Robin: Now I want to dump him on Izanagi even more. Feeling Punch: Orpheus: I'm unsure if that will help much. Actual Toaster: Robin: Well, he's not my problem anymore? Feeling Punch: Orpheus: *he shrugs* Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Izanagi] Do you want to babysit Loki in my place ?? Im getting a bit fed up with him !! Feeling Punch: Izanagi: [text: to Robin] Aw, do I have to? Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Izanagi] Would it really not help ?? Feeling Punch: Izanagi: [text: to Robin] I mean, I can try..? But.... I'm no good at dealing with grief, assuming that's what the problem is. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Izanagi] Id think hed be better off with someone he can actually tolerate Feeling Punch: Izanagi: [text: to Robin] Perhaps. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Izanagi] Perhaps ?? Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Izanagi] Do you need me to drop him off ? Feeling Punch: Izanagi: [text: to Robin] Preferably. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Izanagi] ok. I will drop him off when we do not have people over. I think one of them is still asleep behind the couch Feeling Punch: Izanagi: [text: to Robin] That tells me all I need to know about who is over there. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Izanagi] I cant say I blame him for wanting to be asleep but why behind the couch ! Feeling Punch: Izanagi: [text: to Robin] He likes his privacy. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Izanagi] he has a coffin... Feeling Punch: Izanagi: [text: to Robin] Yes. Yes he does. Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Izanagi] the coffin would be more private than behind the couch ! Feeling Punch: Izanagi: [text: to Robin] Okay, true Actual Toaster: Robin: [text: to Izanagi] if Loki does anything stupid Im apologizing in advance Feeling Punch: Izanagi: [text: to Robin] Accepted in advance. Actual Toaster: Robin: *he looks up at mink* Is, uh... Thanny going to want to eat when he gets up? Feeling Punch: Minako: Probably! Actual Toaster: Robin: What should I make? Or does it not matter? I was going to make soup.. Feeling Punch: Minako: I don't think it matters! Actual Toaster: Robin: Soup it is Actual Toaster: Robin: *and he goes into the kitchen to actually Cook* Feeling Punch: *bye robin* Actual Toaster: *So, kids, what now?* Feeling Punch: *i don't know!* Actual Toaster: *well then shall we skip?* Feeling Punch: *yes, please* Actual Toaster: *skiiip* Actual Toaster: Robin: Hey, you wanna go get Thanny up? Feeling Punch: Minako: Yeah! *she gets up, and leans over the top of the couch* Hey, grumpy! Geeeeet up! It's past 7! Feeling Punch: *thanny groans* Actual Toaster: Robin: There's food? Actual Toaster: Robin: Do you want to eat? Feeling Punch: Thanatos: .... I suppose. Feeling Punch: *Thanatos exits from behind the couch, by climbing over the couch. Thanatos. Why?* Actual Toaster: Robin: Don't do that Feeling Punch: Thanatos: Too late. Actual Toaster: Robin: Fine, don't do it in the future. Feeling Punch: *and thanny takes his helm (and cloth) off his head! look, robin, hes a person, like us!* Actual Toaster: Robin: *AAA WTF* Actual Toaster: Robin: *wh. whAT THE FUCK* Feeling Punch: Thanatos: *he says nothing, but he's actually very pleased that someone is afraid of him. finally.* Actual Toaster: Robin: *AAA WTF* Feeling Punch: Minako: Thannnnnn-nyyy! I'm steallling thiiiis! *she puts his helm on* How do you wear this?? Actual Toaster: Robin: *he decides hes going to get loki up* Feeling Punch: Thanatos: ... why must you do this? Actual Toaster: *robin returns a few minutes later with loki over his shoulder. loki looks half-dead* Feeling Punch: Orpheus: but is he alive Actual Toaster: Robin: Yeah Feeling Punch: Thanatos: .... If he wasn't... Actually, no. I get the very distinct feeling his soul would taste like trash. Actual Toaster: Robin: I Actual Toaster: Robin: Wh-what? Feeling Punch: Thanatos: .... You heard me just fine. Actual Toaster: Robin: hOW do you make a decision like that?? Feeling Punch: Thanatos: *he shrugs* Not that hard. Actual Toaster: Robin: ????? Feeling Punch: Orpheus: .... I'm gonna tell him. Actual Toaster: Robin: What? Feeling Punch: Orpheus: He's Death, you know that, right? Actual Toaster: Robin: .... Actual Toaster: Robin: ...No? Feeling Punch: *thanny, meanwhile, sulks into the kitchen. bye* Feeling Punch: Orpheus: You do now. Actual Toaster: Robin: You don't just drop that sort of information on someone all casual-like! Actual Toaster: Loki: *he pushes himself up and smacks robin* Keep it down. Feeling Punch: Minato: *he looks at Robin for a moment* Well, I'll shut up now, then. Actual Toaster: Robin: What? Feeling Punch: Minato: Nothing, I can't just drop this info all casual. We need to be friends for you to unlock my tragic backstory. Actual Toaster: Robin: ...Okay, then. Actual Toaster: *Loki, meanwhile, has resumed his corpse impression. its pretty convincing* Feeling Punch: *gdi loki* Actual Toaster: Robin: Well, now. Feeling Punch: Minato: We should leave now, I feel like. Actual Toaster: Robin: Sounds about right. I'm dropping this one off with Izanagi. Feeling Punch: Minato: Oh, okay. Actual Toaster: Robin: Whenever you're ready, then. Feeling Punch: *and they leave!* Actual Toaster: *Robin also leaves!* Feeling Punch: *hooray?* Actual Toaster: *he and mink talk about bows and shit. its exciting. either way, robin drops loki off with izanagi. like just. plop.* Feeling Punch: Izanagi: ... why Actual Toaster: Robin: I said I was dropping him off! Feeling Punch: Izanagi: .... Okay, true. Actual Toaster: Robin: Your problem now. *and he exits* Feeling Punch: Izanagi: .... Hello, Loki. Actual Toaster: Loki: .. yo. Feeling Punch: *izanagi awkwardly pats Loki's shoulder* Actual Toaster: Loki: thanks. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: I'm sorry, I'm no good at this.. Actual Toaster: Loki: that's okay, I'm not very good at this either. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: .... Do you want a cat? Actual Toaster: Loki: im good Feeling Punch: Nakajima: *he looks up from his laptop. he's in the corner of the room* You look like shit. Actual Toaster: Loki: I quit caring a while ago. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: You sound like shit. Actual Toaster: Loki: *he picks his face up to give Nakajima a Look* Feeling Punch: Nakajima: ... Wow, you really do look like shit. Actual Toaster: Loki: Self care is finishing a bottle of whiskey in a day Feeling Punch: Nakajima: Your brain is a mushy pile of shit, and dead cells. Actual Toaster: Loki: You're probably right. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: ... You're just going to take this? Actual Toaster: Loki: yup. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: .... This isn't fun anymore. Actual Toaster: Loki: I don't have the energy to, kid. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: Then stop being shitty. Actual Toaster: Loki: *he drapes an arm over his eyes* Easier said than done. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: ... Would you like something to eat, Loki? Actual Toaster: Loki: Depends on if I can keep it down, really. ... I haven't eaten since.. I think saturday, now...? Actual Toaster: Loki: Unless alcohol counts..? *i think that was a very feeble attempt at humor* Feeling Punch: Izanagi: .... Are you trying to die? Actual Toaster: Loki: Maybe a little. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: Stop that. Actual Toaster: Loki: *he grunts* I'll consider it. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: No, you will. Actual Toaster: Loki: Will I? Feeling Punch: Izanagi: Yes. Actual Toaster: Loki: ah. Alright, then. Actual Toaster: Loki: If you say so. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: And I do say so. Actual Toaster: Loki: I could go on. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: Yes, you could. Actual Toaster: Loki: I don't think I will, though. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: *he looks over again, but doesn't comment* Actual Toaster: Loki: *he noticed.* ...Yes, Nakajima? Feeling Punch: Nakajima: If you die, I'm going to install windows ten onto your dead body. Actual Toaster: Loki: Good luck with that, kid. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: Thanks. It's not hard to do.. Actual Toaster: Loki: You're aware my body will decompose, yes? Feeling Punch: Nakajima: It'll function about as well as windows ten. And about as well as you are now. Actual Toaster: Loki: 's a fair point. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: Unpatched, untested windows ten. At this point, I'd be more okay with you being hentai material than what you are now. Actual Toaster: Loki: I can't tell if you're insulting me anymore. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: Assume yes. Actual Toaster: Loki: Well, if it's hentai material you want, go find Nyarlathotep. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: .... They sound ​trustworthy Actual Toaster: Loki: Oh, yeah, definitely. Go rile him up. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: You do it. Actual Toaster: Loki: I don't feel like it. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: No shit. Actual Toaster: Loki: Are you trying to annoy me, or something? Feeling Punch: Nakajima: No, of course not. Actual Toaster: Loki: Really. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: if I was, you'd have to kill me. Actual Toaster: Loki: Maybe not kill. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: Why not? Actual Toaster: Loki: More trouble than it's worth. Actual Toaster: Loki: And where are you getting the idea I'd kill you, anyway?... Feeling Punch: Nakajima: I couldn't think of anything else. Actual Toaster: Loki: So you are trying to rile me up, hmm? Feeling Punch: Nakajima: Darn, my evil plot has been found out. Actual Toaster: Loki: What are you trying to get out of me, kid? Feeling Punch: Nakajima: A better reaction than this. Actual Toaster: Loki: Didn't I explain this already? I don't have the energy to fight with you. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: Gee. Wonder why. Actual Toaster: Loki: *he raises an eyebrow* Feeling Punch: Nakajima: Never mind. *back to laptop* Actual Toaster: Loki: No, now I'm curious. What? Feeling Punch: Nakajima: *he doesn't reply* Actual Toaster: Loki: *he throws a pillow at nakajima* Feeling Punch: Nakajima: *he doesn't seem fazed by the sudden pillow* Actual Toaster: Loki: Explain yourself, you shithead. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: No. Actual Toaster: Loki: Yes. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: Maybe when you're alive Actual Toaster: Loki: I'm about as alive as I'll be for a while. Feeling Punch: Nakajima: hmph. Actual Toaster: Loki: So? Feeling Punch: Izanagi: ... Perhaps we should work on that. Actual Toaster: Loki: And what do you suggest? Feeling Punch: Izanagi: Finding something to do? Actual Toaster: Loki: Ah. I don't really care... I'm tired. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: Fine.. Actual Toaster: Loki: Fine? Feeling Punch: Izanagi: I'm not going to force you to eat right now. Actual Toaster: Loki: Fine by me. Actual Toaster: Loki: I'm not really that hungry, anyway. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: So I've observed.. Actual Toaster: Loki: Heard, more like. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: ... Same thing. Actual Toaster: Loki: I disagree. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: I'm still not arguing with you. Actual Toaster: Loki: I wasn't saying it to be argumentative. Actual Toaster: Loki: Do I look like Nakajima to you? Feeling Punch: Izanagi: You could if you wanted to. Actual Toaster: Loki: Yeah, but that would be specifically shapeshifting to look like him. Actual Toaster: Loki: So that doesn't count. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: .. Fine. Actual Toaster: Loki: That's it? Just fine? Feeling Punch: Izanagi: Yes. Actual Toaster: Loki: Aalright then. Actual Toaster: Loki: If you say so. Actual Toaster: Loki: If you don't mind, though, *he rolls onto his side* I'm going to sleep. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: Go ahead. Actual Toaster: *and so sleep loki does. how exciting.* Feeling Punch: *except it wasnt* Actual Toaster: Loki: *well, he's awake, he's not sure what woke him but he Is up. So he goes to roll over and figuratively pisses himself. hi, thanny* Feeling Punch: Thanatos: ... Ah. So you are alive. Actual Toaster: Loki: What kind of greeting is that?... Feeling Punch: Thanatos: ... The kind given when I almost mistook you for deceased. Actual Toaster: Loki: "Almost mistook"? That's one hell of a mistake. Feeling Punch: Thanatos: .... You don't seem to understand. Actual Toaster: Loki: *he. takes a second to think about that. and then very weakly just* I'd hope I'm close to death, you're standing right next to me... Actual Toaster: Loki: It's... not? Feeling Punch: Thanatos: *he sits down next to Loki. his tone of voice seems a bit softer* Not even close, Loki. Actual Toaster: Loki: But my summoner died. Feeling Punch: Thanatos: It does not matter. Actual Toaster: Loki: What... what do you mean it doesn't matter..? Feeling Punch: Thanatos: He may have passed on, yes, but you were not intended to follow- Nor was Robin Hood. Actual Toaster: Loki: But I thought he was the only thing keeping me here..? Feeling Punch: Thanatos: That would seem to be incorrect. Actual Toaster: Loki: I.. thank you. I mean that genuinely- thank you for telling me, I just.. Actual Toaster: he needs a minute Feeling Punch: Thanatos: .. Of course. You thought you had to be with him? Actual Toaster: Loki: I did... Philemon didn't even just imply it, he outright told me... Feeling Punch: Thanatos: That's what he tells everyone. Actual Toaster: Loki: Is it..? Feeling Punch: Thanatos: If I recall correctly, yes. Actual Toaster: Loki: I had no idea. Feeling Punch: Thanatos: If he was correct, you did die as you should have. Actual Toaster: Loki: I suppose that's true, yes... Feeling Punch: Thanatos: You'd better do something, before I have to come back to you. Actual Toaster: Loki: I, uh, figured as much. I'll work on that. Feeling Punch: Thanatos: Good. Actual Toaster: Loki: Thanks again for telling me. Feeling Punch: Thanatos: Of course. Actual Toaster: Loki: Take care, then.. Feeling Punch: Thanatos: You, as well. *he stands up, and leaves* Actual Toaster: Loki: *okay, okay. what fuckin time is it* Feeling Punch: *3 am or some shit* Actual Toaster: Loki: *okay. gameplan. I go shower. I dont care that it's 3am. im going to shower. and then eat something small. toast. and then back to bed. take some medicine.* Feeling Punch: *excellent plan!* Actual Toaster: *so that plan gets carried out!* Actual Toaster: Robin: *he enters!!* Whatever you two did with Loki, keep doing it. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: ... What? Actual Toaster: Robin: He actually started looking after himself again. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: ...? *he looks to Nakajima, who shrugs* Good for him, but... Neither of us did anything of use.. Actual Toaster: Robin: Apparently not. Actual Toaster: Robin: Because he's eating again. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: *he looks downright puzzled* Actual Toaster: Robin: I don't get it either, but... Actual Toaster: Robin: Apparently you did something right? Feeling Punch: Izanagi: *he shrugs* Actual Toaster: Robin: Maybe he just needed to not be pestered into doing so... Feeling Punch: Izanagi: That's a faint possibility. Actual Toaster: Robin: I can't think of anything else. Actual Toaster: Robin: Unless you have any other ideas?... Feeling Punch: Izanagi: Have you actually asked him? Actual Toaster: Robin: Didn't wanna bother him. He seemed very focused. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: Fair enough.... Actual Toaster: Loki: Did I. Actual Toaster: Robin: *he jumps like 6 feet in the air* Feeling Punch: Izanagi: Ah, good morning. Are you feeling better? Actual Toaster: Loki: Little bit. Moving's a bit rough. *he sits in front of the coffee table and sets his bowl of oatmeal down* Feeling Punch: Izanagi: I can understand that. Actual Toaster: Loki: I won't be feeling my best for a while, I think, but that's my own fault. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: What caused such a change of behavior? Actual Toaster: Loki: Did you know that Thanatos' helm is incredibly startling in low lighting? Feeling Punch: Izanagi: What?? Actual Toaster: Loki: *He doesn't look up from his oatmeal* I said, "did you know that Thanatos' helm is incredibly startling in low lighting"? Feeling Punch: Izanagi: No, no, I heard you just fine. Actual Toaster: Loki: Then why the what? Feeling Punch: Izanagi: Do we get an explanation of why you encountered him? Actual Toaster: Loki: He woke me. *he has a spoonful of his oatmeal.* Feeling Punch: Izanagi: *he looks. concerned* Actual Toaster: Loki: *... nagi, I think you'll have to ask him for further details because i dont think he'll give u them unless you ask. he seems more interested in his oatmeal* Feeling Punch: Izanagi: ... *he decides to wait until AFTER Loki eats* Actual Toaster: *that is fair. Loki eats the rest of his oatmeal in silence.* Feeling Punch: Izanagi: *he has finished washing his dishes by this point* Are you done? Actual Toaster: Loki: I am, yes. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: Hand your bowl over, then. Actual Toaster: Loki: *so he does* Feeling Punch: Izanagi: ... Would you like to share your encounter with Thanatos now? Actual Toaster: Loki: Well, like I said, he woke me. Actual Toaster: Loki: I don't believe that was his intent. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: *he narrows his eyes* And..? Actual Toaster: Loki: *He exhales* Izanagi, he's peaceful death, what do you think? He mistook me for dead. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: *he almost drops the bowl* Actual Toaster: Loki: If he hadn't woke me when he did, I probably would be dead. So I decided I better wise up and start looking after myself, at the very least. It won't bring Muffins back, sure, but neither would moping. Feeling Punch: Izanagi: ..... *he nods* Actual Toaster: Loki: It's the least I can do, really... Feeling Punch: Izanagi: I'm glad you've realized that. Actual Toaster: Loki: I still.. wish things didn't have to happen like... like the way they did. If only.. if only he'd accepted the chance to start over... Actual Toaster: Loki: But.. *he wipes his eyes with his arm* Feeling Punch: Izanagi: It didn't. Actual Toaster: Loki: .. Yeah.