#if this ain’t a fucking mood. Covid is also apart of this reasoning as covid isn't fucking over!

[nando161mando]

Man, if this ain’t a fucking mood. Covid is also apart of this reasoning as covid isn't fucking over!

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

You’ve made your bed, now you gotta lie in it.

Moments like these sometimes makes me wonder if it would really affect anyone if I was gone (well, I mean apart from my parents of course)... I fucking hate having such thoughts... Is it just my insecurities, anxiety, hormonal crap, or why do I have this feeling like I’m a backup... 

Ugh, but that’s the fucking thing - everyone has their own lives. No one’s lives revolves around yours, so I need to remind myself of this and stop stressing out when things seem to be slightly different. People might be upset with some other aspect, they might be stressed, they might be tired, they might need a break, and yes, sometimes it’s a break from you. Especially so in this period. So take this fucking time to have a good break too. 

Speaking of, very thankful that the psychiatrist I met with today gave me medical leave for tomorrow, really needed that. So for tomorrow, not gonna touch anything related to work. No emails, no whatsapp, nothing. It’s time to take a proper break to reset myself, to recharge. 

Today definitely wasn’t what I expected it to be. Had thought it would be like a normal counselling session, but I guess it was more of a get-to-know-your-situation. Also, there was a med student there too, which kinda felt a little odd and definitely held back a little on what I wanted to say, but he was nice. Mainly talked about work stress, sleep stuff, and oof, honestly my appetite just got way worse. I just survived today on a cup of tea, a can of coffee, an egg for breakfast, and then dinner. It’s amazing how I didn’t even feel hunger at all, no gastric pains, nothing. Well, there was slight hunger, then the stress kicked in again and that was gone. 

Anyhoo.. we also spoke briefly about family.. didn’t really cover relationships or friends much, the former being one I wanted to talk a bit of, considering everything. But well, either way. Next round, or when I get my session with a psychologist... which I’m honestly contemplating about. Maybe I should just return to the counselling place I went to.. 

But, was reminded about some stuff too - breathing exercises, mindfulness... He had also asked what I had hoped to achieve from this (also why I decided to seek help, why now), which was really to manage my emotions better. I mean I know we can’t always have happiness... But ufgh, the dip from happiness to currently what shit state I’m in right now, I just.. I don’t even know.  I really hope this is just an exhaustion phase plus the hormones acting up, I really can’t bear to let myself slip back into this again. ‘This’ being the darkest moments I consider in my life in 2015, which I also kinda mentioned to them. He asked if it felt worse then or now, and I said it was then.. I did hesitate in responding. I mean, it does feel pretty bad now but I think I’m more well equipped in handling it at least, and better support system overall. 

This is also another reason why I hate having those thoughts I was talking about at the start of this post. Some of my colleagues are being sweet about everything, one asking why I’m still continuing with work despite my appointment (I almost teared up yet again), and my manager encouraging me to take a break and offering to be a listening ear too, and even the other driver offering a ride (which honestly, I don’t think I could even accept considering the “rules” with covid-situation). Was still sweet though. Even the newbie that I mostly speak to about work (we’ve recently started talking a bit more) had asked, she (and I guess the VP) probably heard my choked up crying voice yesterday at the end of the meeting. So yep. 

Ufff, and other friends being concerned and sending their love. Oh, and the one person I hoped who would check in.. well, didn’t really, but we did talk for a bit and that was nice. I do think that my mood is rubbing off, or at least it feels like it is, or we just need to take a little step back. Especially myself, considering I’m getting way too attached again, and catching way too much feelings. 

But I mean... I was the one who made the decision to continue talking to him when he returned. I could have left it. I could have left it be every single time it felt like the convo was dying, but I didn’t want it to end. Despite what everyone said, I trusted my heart and feelings, I trusted him. I’m not saying I regret it, really. I knew who he was, or at least the person he shows to me. Maybe he’s not always all that concerned or caring, maybe he doesn’t really speak that much or initiate a lot at times, but I still somehow fell for him. 

I’ve been actually thinking quite a bit about the moment we first met... Apparently it was either on his birthday or soon after it. That very first time, just a simple “thank you” as he left, that caught my attention. And the very next time, we got to talking a bit. It felt comfortable, it felt great. It caught my interest. He caught my interest. Then time went by... And then I finally got his name (and also his number and a date) so that kinda snowballed pretty fast after very slow progress. I’m not sure where it’s going now, I don’t think I’ve ever known. Sometimes it feels like he might feel somewhat similarly, sometimes no. Some say that ain’t great, but also you shouldn’t compare progress?? So... yeah. 

Oh, but I digress. I was gonna say how even though now isn’t as bad as 2015 was, it’s definitely terrifying that I had missed the symptoms and signs, or maybe I just brushed them off because I was busy and focused with work or life and then I just hit burnout so bad without even realising. 

Am trying my best to divert my mind and emotions today, especially with crying too much over the past week. Didn’t exactly work the way I wanted hah. Still cried quite a bit, but am trying to channel all this negative into positive to people around me. Maybe I’m not strong enough to just be all positive for me, but maybe I could try to make things better for someone else at least. I had told a friend this, and she’s like you shouldn’t do this for others but yourself, which is sweet and I appreciate her sentiment. But sometimes I’m just unable to fake it to pretend that all’s peachy (I mean I’m already trying my best to hide it on the outside, especially at work), so the most I could try is to make things better for someone, anyone. Even despite he didn’t check in, maybe he wanted to give me my space, maybe he didn’t want to probe, or just maybe he doesn’t really give a crap about it/me, I wanted to try. I still wanted to try. 

Gah, but whatever. Enough of thinking, enough of worrying, enough of stressing. For tomorrow, I just gotta take a proper break. Focus on me. And hopefully, oh damn, hopefully, things will start feeling okay again. 

Man, this was much longer than I expected it to be. It’s kinda sad that I write best when I’m upset, but I do enjoy it so much cos I’m finally able to put into words all the thoughts that I’ve got scrambling around in my head. Also just got reminded how the psychiatrist and the med student felt bad for me when I said I didn’t dare to go walking alone anymore after what happened the other time, and I just.. Ufgh, and the way he said it... no one deserves to feel afraid to go walking alone or that should have been your right. I do hope that I’ll overcome this again soon, cos I definitely need it. 

Well, this was a nice release. Time to focus on the positives and be more appreciative of what I have, instead of what I don’t, or feel like I don’t. Gotta do my best to stop this spiral before I really disappear into the darkness forever. 

Ugh, but I gotta say, I’m really proud of taking this step and not postponing the appointment, to still be open about life and all most that I’m dealing with. Yes, I still need to learn when to bite my tongue and actually who are the right people to trust, but I guess sometimes when you’re feeling so overwhelmed... 

But anyhoo.. I’m sure I’ve got this, and I hope things will start looking up from here. And well, I guess time to start job hunting too. 

X