#if there was ever a point before riko stopped letting kevin fight back

[ninyard]

inspired by the last anon: do you have any unhinged kevin hc's?

(cw; abuse, sh, briefly) (this isn't a headcanon at all really. more of an au i guess. just thoughts. just a little what if?)

The sight of blood makes Kevin feels sick, not necessarily because it reminds him of his injury - though that's a big factor - but because it reminds him of what he is capable of, and some of the things he did with Riko by his side. When Neil's father cut up that man in that room - Kevin was there. Riko was there, too, of course, but Kevin has been around death and violence for a very, very long time.

Teenage boys are young and stupid and impressionable, and maybe there was a point where Kevin fought back and matched the pain Riko inflicted on him, at least until Riko went through puberty and became stronger, more evil, more interested in truly hurting Kevin than just having "fun".

Think of them being twelve, and Riko has just drawn lines into his own legs because he likes how it feels to bleed, to be in pain, and him and Kevin are sat on the floor of their bedroom. Riko hands Kevin the knife, and tells him to do it. On myself? Kevin asks, but Riko guides the point to his own skin. Kevin tells him to stop, but when he flinches at the sight of Riko's blood, Riko grabs his hair and asks him if he can see how good it feels to make someone bleed.

But then think of them a little bit older, and Kevin is on his bed, and as Riko crawls up towards him, he kicks him hard in the chest, so hard that he ends up winded and sits at the end of the bed, cursing him in Japanese until he can breathe again. One time Riko puts his fingers into Kevin's mouth, and Kevin bites down hard enough to break skin. He spits in Riko's face as he recoils, and Riko slaps him hard enough to leave a mark. They're young enough at this point that Kevin has not yet become truly afraid or aware of what Riko is truly capable of. So maybe one time, he pins Riko down, his hands above his head held down by his wrists, his free hand wrapped around Riko's throat, and for just a moment, Kevin wonders what it would feel like to watch the life leave his eyes. Riko has done this to him enough times that Kevin wants to know what it feels like, to hurt someone like this, to wrap his hands about their throat and feel them desperately try to find a way free. Riko's face gets redder and redder, and he's struggling under his weight, struggling harder the longer it all goes on. Kevin regrets it when he lets go, and Riko is too quick with his punches. Kevin regrets it when Riko does the same thing to him, but until he loses enough oxygen that he passes out, until he's unconscious and Riko has bound his hands to carve his name into Kevin's skin.

What if there was a point where Kevin had the strength in him to fight Riko? What if, for a short time, they fought like they were equals? Before Riko's abuse "became" abuse, before Kevin realised that this is not normal. Before Kevin truly felt scared of what he could do.

Riko gave Kevin a lot of fear, the guts of a PTSD diagnosis. As the years went on, things got worse, and Kevin became unable to be an equal with Riko any longer. but in those formative years, he also gave him a lot of knowledge on how to hurt people, too. He knows what Riko got off on. He knows what moves and attacks hurt the most. He knows where to hold a knife that any movement will hurt the person it's held up to. He knows where to punch someone, where the bruise will linger for weeks, and the pain even longer.

Maybe there’s a dealer out there, somewhere, that Kevin thinks of every now and again, who has a permanent scar from the first time Riko asked Kevin to try and see how it feels to cut someone up. Maybe there’s someone out there that Kevin burnt with a lighter, or matches, or maybe there's a handful of scars on Jean's body that Kevin has apologised far too many times for. Do you think he had to hold Jean down when Riko waterboarded him, or when Riko drew swirls into his chest with a knife? Do you think Riko held him down then, too, and handed Kevin the knife, and watched as Kevin apologised with his eyes, and cut Jean up from his neck to his stomach?

Maybe in this universe Kevin hides that part of him because he's so ashamed of the stupid, awful, disgusting things he did as a teenager. Maybe Kevin feels so much guilt and shame about who he was at one point that there is nothing in the world that can possibly clear his conscience.

Maybe in this universe, Kevin wishes he had never stopped fighting back. Maybe he ponders what it would've been like to be in Riko's position.

[simonsrosebud]

the one where someone doesn’t know who kevin day is, pt. 4

part one two three five

extra content linked at the bottom!!

the cousins are all on the bus.  they’re the first ones there, but kevin hangs behind to wait for dalton.  apparently it’s obvious.

nicky hangs out the open bus door.  “he meet wymack yet?”  and goes bug eyed when kevin shakes his head.  “you haven’t introduced your boyfriend to your dad yet?!  this is the first time they’re meeting?!”

and jesus, he didn’t think it was a big deal.  it’s just the banquet.  but he also knows he’s never had a father before.  or a boyfriend, really.

“is... should i have done that before?  why- it’s not some big deal.”

nicky shrugs.  “first impressions are important.”  and goes in the bus.

and now kevin’s trying not to get overwhelmed.

abby’s in charge of the headcount, but wymack still climbs out of the bus when the dates get there.  dalton is the first one. 

he goes right to kevin- still waiting outside the bus, and gives him a quick kiss before grabbing his hand and continuing on his way to wymack.

he sticks his hand right out.  “i’m dalton.  it’s nice to meet you, mr. wymack.”

wymack nods.  “you as well.  heard good things.”  kevin hasn’t really said things about dalton, but he lets it go.  probably just being polite.

“hell, hope i can live up to them.”  he laughs.  “i would’ve made it a point to introduce myself before, i apologize.  i feel like i’ve been grading finals for weeks, now.”

wymack gets talking, and kevin honestly feels like a third wheel.  dalton was doing a better job at talking with his father than he did sometimes.

kevin sends dalton onto the bus eventually, and wymack holds him back.  “you told him shit?”

“yes.  not the yakuza.”

“but he knows you’re kinda fucked in the head?”  kevin almost frowns.  he’s not wrong.  wymack adds as a second thought, “not to say the rest of those idiots aren’t.”

“he knows.”  he normally wouldn’t care to mention it, but he really wants wymack to like dalton.  “he helped me with a panic attack a little bit ago.”

“riko?”  he nods.  every time it happens it makes wymack look beaten down.  kevin almost regrets telling him, but wymack purses his lips and after a moment shoves his shoulder towards the bus.  “he’s a good kid. stop your worrying and get your ass on the bus.”

it’s as good as a compliment as he’d hoped for, honestly.

this years banquet is in virginia.  it’s a six hour drive, and kevin had already explained why they don’t fly if they don’t have to, so dalton’s kind of made it his mission to get along with some of the foxes.

kevin would rather he not.  it’s not like the last time dalton spent time with the foxes they spilled his life faults in front of his new boyfriend.

that would be insane.

matt, dan, and dalton talk the most on the ride.  renee joins the conversation at some point and matt and dan butt out.

kevin’s busy talking to wymack about exy, and horror sets in his eyes when he sees neil talking to his boyfriend.  “we’re three hours in, kevin, he’s made it this far.”  as in, neil won’t break him.  but kevin’s nervous anyway.

until he hears what they’re talking about.

math.

“that’s disgusting.”  kevin leans back in his seat and watches them talk.

renee smiles.  “you’re dating him.”

the foxes are sat on the opposite side of the court of the ravens, as has become routine ever since neil and riko’s encounter.  instead they’re sat with the trojans and jeremy, jean, and alvarez sit across from them.  kevin smiles when jeremy comes around to say hi, but he smiles just a bit wider when introducing dalton.

jean and kevin have this thing.  they don’t talk often, but when they do it’s more of a check up.  so when jean asks him in french how he is, dalton grins.  “do all exy players just speak french?”  it’s more of a remark to jeremy, who laughs and tells him jean said he taught kevin french when they both lived at edgar allen together, which makes dalton feel a little bad.  kevin had told him how he knew jean, and about living at edgar allen with riko’s abuse.

later, dalton grabs his hand under the table.  “is french triggering for you?”  and, what?  “jeremy said jean taught you french, and you’ve told me about your time with jean.” oh.

dalton was a graduate student, sure, but he was more intuitive than kevin thought.  “french was an escape because no one but us understood it.  i like speaking french to you, because you like it.  it helps to take away the meaning behind why i learned it in the first place, i think.”

“okay... can i kiss you?  would you be okay with that?”

kevin raises a brow.  “i mean, jesus, i came out for a reason.”  he starts to turn away with fake annoyance, but dalton snorts and turns his chin back before he gets away.  it’s just a small peck, but it’s enough to make dalton smile so kevin doesn’t care.

jeremy circles back.  “volleyball, guys?”

dalton snaps his head back to kevin.  “oh, i’m going to dominate you.”  and takes off.

“be on my team!”

“nope!”

normally they’d drive back that night.  the first banquet after the disastrous one last year was the fall one (which kevin went to with renee because he was still scared to introduce dalton), and they’d gone back that night since it was only a two hour drive.

wymack wasn’t sold on it at first, but after getting multiple confirmations from everyone that it’d be okay, he booked rooms so they could drive back sunday morning instead.

the foxes are all drunk- save for renee, andrew, neil, kevin and dalton.

they gather in matt and dan’s room for hours.  at one point, kevin’s so out of it and tired that he doesn’t notice dalton leave for a moment.

it’s because of andrew.

but all must go well because dalton makes it back alive and unfazed.  he settles behind kevin and kisses his cheek.  “wanna head back?”  he drops his head into the crook of his neck.  “you look really good, baby.”

that’s a new nickname.  he thinks he likes it.

ahaha.  aha.  you know what happens.

dalton asks kevin if he would want to come to maryland, his home, for a few days during winter break.  kevin says sure before he realizes that it probably includes him meeting dalton’s family.

kevin does a google search once he’s settled back in his bed at palmetto.

when do people normally say i love you in a relationship?

he deletes it almost as soon as he searches it.  it’s a stupid thing to search.

dalton sends him a text.  a funny twitter post, and a message under it.

the banquet was so much fun, i’m so glad you asked me to go w you❤️❤️

kevin sends a heart back.

ALL EXTRA CONTENT ALL HERE BABEY (aka a dalton/kevin directory so i don’t have to keep updating on this post hehe)

there’s so much extra content and it just keeps coming so keep an eye out for updates on that link^^

dalton finds out how famous kevin really is

dalton/kevin at pride

what does dalton look like?

first fight aha

what did andrew say to dalton?

dalton & wymack’s perspective of meeting each other

AMAZING DALTON X KEVIN ART!!!

kevin meeting dalton’s friends

[i-did]

Considering your headcannon about Andrew kinda being a victim blamer to a certain degree, do u think it ever causes conflict with neil? (Or others) I think it's an interesting hc and it feels surprisingly fitting but I can't decide whether I think Andrew would voice these opinions or not... He is very straightforward and blunt but idk if he would just recognise that its likely to cause an argument and 'it wont change the past anyway so what's the point?' kinda thing.

(Just wanna clarify that I like Andrew btw lol, I just also think he has flaws and this is one of them, so Andrew stans don't attack me)

Short answer: yes, he brings it up sometimes. 

Long answer where I show examples:

I don’t think he ever blames victims more than perpetrators for anyone except himself. I also don’t think Andrew thinks of it as “blame” but more like actions that were taken and actions that weren’t. If Andrew was too drunk to fight back in a shitty bar he would think “I will not allow myself to ever be drunk enough where I can't fight some asshole back, not ever again” and moves on. Andrew hardly even ever allows himself to relax his shoulders even, and when he wakes up, he wakes up swinging. His mind is very ‘fight’ centric, it’s how he was socialized and raised. I think it changes depending on circumstances as well.

(I will continue to use the word blame for clarity’s sake however) 

Sober Andrew is a lot less talkative than manic Andrew, and manic Andrew definitely said insensitive and unwelcome opinions just to see reactions. Manic Andrew also lets his opinion be known to see if anyone is listening or cares as well, and sober Andrew does so as well, but in a more mousetrap way, waiting to see how the other person will react for a reason and to be read, rather than manic Andrews ‘just because I need some entertainment’ reasons.

Overall I think Andrew wouldn’t really voice these opinions and people definitely don't care to hear them, but they can sense Andrews overall apathy and don't appreciate that either. 

I think Andrew would bring up his opinion scarcely, but it would come out sometimes, and it’s definitely not appreciated. Andrew thinks “if only I was stronger” about himself, and that's what he plans to do, get stronger. So thanksgiving hit him hard because not only was he re-traumatized in more ways than one, he has lost his belief that he is stronger than before and that's all he needs. He got buff, joined exy, carried knives and made sure no one wanted to be closer than a few feet to him, and when they touched him he made sure they learned he did not like to be touched– at all. I believe he still holds onto his “if only I was stronger” mentality still even after Thanksgiving, he re-establishes the foxes fear of him by punching and though violence, its what he knows. Andrew’s least favorite reaction is pity (and so is Neil’s).

Andrew isn’t the type to roll his eyes at anyone but maybe Neil and a few others, he’s very selective with who he lets see his more visible expressions, but overall he doesn’t have the energy in him to emote when he disagrees or what he thinks. He knows it won’t change the past, so he usually doesn’t bring his thoughts into it, but sometimes when he’s annoyed or angry or in an argument he will, and it definitely changes the argument from an argument to more of a fight. 

I think it comes up most often with Neil since Andrew is comfortable enough to share his opinion with him and let it be known, and it’s not always appreciated. Kevin has definitely heard some of this even in canon from Andrew too. Andrew sees things very black and white, so when Kevin says “I can’t” because he's scared, Andrew says “you can, and you will”. Andrew looks at Aaron and sees an almost weaker version of himself who never learned how to hit his mom back. Andrew doesn’t understand those who don't hit back, not after Cass. He believes if someone isn’t hitting back, there should be a reason, and not a sentimental one, otherwise its weakness. And he sees this because its what he thinks of himself, and how he was willing what he was going through for Cass. He thinks his past self should have known better and been stronger, but it's too late now so whatever who cares– or that's what he tells himself. Andrew doesn’t blame Neil’s mom for hitting him necessarily, but he does think “and you didn’t stop her.” and the silent “and you didn’t stop loving her” is there too, and its something that him and Neil do fight on. Andrew also frames things in the “Neil will get himself killed,” way that most people jokingly say, but Andrew means more “undeniably Neil provoked someone, and it’s partially his fault.” 

I think Andrew doesn't think it's Nicky’s ‘fault’ for getting hate-crimed behind Edens, but he does think Nicky was not paying attention and didn’t read the room like usual, and possibly could have avoided it, but what's done is done, and it never comes up. And Andrew is overall anti-family and how they can have power over you, so he definitely blames Nicky for letting his feelings get hurt and heart get crushed by the same parents who sent him to conversion therapy. He thinks “you should know better/what did you expect” and voices this in book 2 to Neil about the Thanksgiving dinner invitation. 

With Aaron, I can see it coming up. When him and Aaron fight, it usually turns into Andrew shutting down and shutting him out and Aaron growing angrier now that he’s seen Andrew shut down, and he can't break through with his anger, and will then push hard before retreating himself and then pushing away back. And yes, the fight is about his mother, in a very similar way to Neil. (Neil hates this, because he sees it as different, his mothers circumstances different, but Andrew does not.)

I think if Allison were to be crying about being mugged and see Andrew’s blank face over Renee’s comforting shoulder, she would just spit out a “fuck you,” and he would shrug, knowing he has no comfort to offer her. Being mugged to most people can be very traumatizing and scary, Andrew grew up in foster home after foster home in Oakland, if he were to mug someone he would look for an Allison, someone who dresses well and likely has a lot of cash on them, multiple credit cards, you could get pretty far before they're all canceled. Andrew learned as a kid how to dress and look, so people don't mug you and if they try they don’t get anything, it's a pretty common city skill. Andrew also blames Allison for hitting Aaron as the reason why he choked her against the asphalt. “She knew what would happen.” He doesn’t think he didn’t not do those actions, but he thinks: cause → reaction.

Andrew thinks, ‘yes I took Matt to Edens, but he was the one who said yes to the drugs, his sobriety was just as weak as I proved it to be.’ Interestingly, Matt actually agrees with Andrew, thinking his methods were harsh but effective.

Besides Matt, Renee is the only one who doesn’t fight him on his opinions, I’m sure she sometimes agrees (or part of her does) and other times she politely disagrees and doesn’t let it rile her. He talks to her more though, and gets to hear his opinions about said things much more often than the other foxes, especially with how he likes to debate her and bait her good christian persona with his own personality, especially because Renee is ‘just like him’ deep down.

He doesn't blame Seth for dying, that he knows is partially Neil’s responsibility but overall Riko who actually did the deed (or hired people to).

As for Dan, I can’t think of any examples rn, kinda a lame note to end on, but this is how it ends.

[eponinemylove]

Headcanons about the Andrew( and the foxes) figuring out some of the fucked up things Neil’s mom did. Like I’ve always had a head canon that she is the reason he says he’s fine all the time

for sure! I have a lot of feelings about Mary Hartford. I want to say that if the conversation does ever manage to come up, Neil would immediately jump to his mother’s defense. We see everything she did through his memories of her, and while we can recognize it as abuse, Neil still thinks of her fondly. She was the only family he really had, and in his eyes, everything she did was out of necessity, if not love (CW: abuse)

(side note, I’ve briefly talked about aaron’s reaction before as part of a different post, and I stand by that. I’ve also brushed upon the subject of Mary and Neil being “fine” when I did a sort of sickfic hc!)

let me just start by saying how awful this news would be for the foxes. Like, it’s awful in general because what she did was fucked up, but their poor hearts… They managed the Nest. They managed Baltimore. They managed Drake (although that was Andrew’s past not Neil’s, they were still there for the murder and everything that followed). They have been through heartbreak after heartbreak for this kid who not only went through these things but thought, on some level, that he deserved them. So they really can’t take finding out that his mother—who Neil openly condones—is also one of his ghosts. They can’t take finding out that she’s partly the reason why he doesn’t swing, why he can’t trust, why he runs and hides and lies, why he doesn’t think he can have this. And if that wasn’t hard enough, to find out that Neil thinks this is okay, that this is fine—it’s too much to handle.

Andrew’s first reaction, predictably, is murder. This doesn’t quite work out for him, as Mary’s already dead, but the urge he feels to drain the life from her himself is frankly concerning. The second the words are leaving Neil’s mouth, the second all his suspicions are confirmed (because let’s be real, Andrew knew someone had hurt Neil, and his father had been too many steps behind him to cause that much damage), he sees red. Full on, knives out, burning rage. He’s shaking with it. You can tell he’s feeling an emotion, because he’s not grumbling about anything. He’s gone into quiet rage, the dangerous kind, in which he silently plots all the ways he can gruesomely arrange your departure from existence.

for a split second, the upperclassmen think that his anger is directed at Neil, and they subtly move in to block him from Andrew’s war path. This works out well for no one, because Andrew needs Neil in his line of sight right now to know he’s safe and here, and anyone who even thinks of touching this boy after what he’s just confessed to happening to him is getting stabbed. Repeatedly. It’s not their fault for assuming, though. They saw what happened with him and Aaron after this sort of thing, and they just want to shield Neil from that fallout. He’s been through enough

The only thing that manages to calm him down even somewhat is Neil himself. He holds Andrew’s gaze, doesn’t hide under it. He looks him straight in the eye. He is fine, now. He isn’t hurt. He’s with Andrew, and Andrew is going to keep him safe, and Mary is dead, and there’s nothing for them to fight anymore.

except there is, there is, because Neil is stupid. Neil is an idiot who doesn’t know the meaning of the word fine, who has never been fine a day in his life. this was never okay. he’s worse than Aaron, because at least Aaron came to his senses eventually. but Neil, even after everything, is still standing there, defending her. it makes his blood boil. 140%. 170. 200.

Later, Andrew has to physically restrain himself from pulling him into a bruising kiss. He makes a tangible effort to be as gentle with Neil as he can, because he refuses to show him that love should be rough. It shouldn’t. He holds Neil’s hand and kisses his knuckles, runs his hands softly through his hair. He shows him all the way touches should feel when coming from someone you trust. Neil thinks it isn’t necessary but he accepts it with a stuttering heart anyway. His hands shake.

Aaron is seething, but for an entirely different reason. He’s furious, because how does Neil not realize that they’re the exact same? Neil gave him so much shit when he was upset over his mother, but now he has the audacity to stand here and spout this crap? The only thing holding him back from beating the shit out of Josten himself is Andrew’s presence, radiating wrath from beside him. If he took a step in the wrong direction, his brother might genuinely kill him this time. It doesn’t matter. Neil went on and on and on about how Andrew was protecting him, how his mother was not someone who loved him but someone who hurt him, and how he should be glad she’s gone. And… and then this? No. No. Neil doesn’t get to love his mother after that. Mary hit him. She beat him to a pulp herself, nevermind what she said she was protecting him from. He wasn’t allowed to have friends, to talk to people, to go outside. He wasn’t allowed to speak. He’d had to keep his head down. Yeah, it sounds familiar. It sounds like Aaron’s quiet footsteps around the house, hoping to god he wouldn’t wake up Tilda. It sounds like him trying not to make himself seen when she came home after a night of using, like ducking his head and not meeting the eyes of her or anyone she brought home. It sounds like her fists on him when she was in one of her moods. It sounds really fucking familiar, and if Neil thinks he’s going to drop this, he is dead wrong.

Neil did not leave well enough alone when it was Aaron. He would not stop rubbing salt on the wound. And it hurt, a lot, but now Aaron is going to do the same. Not just for petty vengeance. Not just because Neil is a dick and this is payback. But because it helped. Aaron and Andrew are not on the same page about the way they feel, but they are about what to do next. Priority one is make sure Neil moves on, make sure he recognizes why Mary was wrong, and why it will never happen again, as long as any of the foxes have a say in it. 

Matt and Nicky have the exact same reaction, which to immediately have their heart shattered. They’re in tears. Matt cares about Neil so, so much, and I know the fandom recognizes this, but I don’t know if people realize how deeply Nicky cares, too. It’s more than just cracking jokes; Neil is one of Nicky’s best friends. They’re going to make damn sure that Neil knows they will love him unconditionally, and that their love does not come heavy-handed. They will support him through this, even if they hate Mary for everything she had conditioned into him. Already they’re planning what they can do to get his mind off of this and get him smiling again as soon as possible. Nicky will probably push Neil harder than Matt, and it will probably be the wrong thing to do, but he’s trying so hard. He’s done this before, with Andrew and Aaron, and as heartbreaking as it was, he continues to do it because he loves them. And he loves Neil, too. Both Matt and Nicky already have adoption papers at the ready, and at this point they’re going to forge the signatures, consequences be damned, if it means Neil gets a happy life. 

Kevin doesn’t have much to say about it when he finds out. I imagine he handles it with all of his usual finesse and sensitivity, which is none. He probably, not too gently, points out that Mary had a job to keep him safe from harm, all harm, and failed spectacularly at it. It’s not exactly helpful, but he does have a point. And when he get Neil alone, he offers to talk to him about it. He may not have been through the same thing, but he’s been through something similar enough. He had no family at the Nest, but at the same time they were the only ones he had, and they weren’t exactly gentle with him at the best of times. Riko and the Master weren’t Mary, but... they weren’t all that different, either. Like everything else, Kevin is there if he needs him. 

Dan and Allison stare him down. They sympathize, they do, because this is awful, but they are not going to give him an inch. They don’t have time to coddle his feelings about his mother, and god help him if they hear an “I’m fine” fall from his lips. They’ll hold him, if he lets them, and they’ll be as soft and gentle as he needs, but they won’t give in to this. They aren’t going to pretend that he’s right–he’s not. HIs mother wasn’t what he remembers. She’s a complicated character. They’re not calling her evil; maybe she did what she had to, and maybe it was for the best. But it wasn’t right. They are steadfast in that. It wasn’t right. Neil can accept that when he’s ready, and when he does they will be there for him, taking care of him in their unassuming way so that he doesn’t feel like they’re walking on eggshells. He’s so grateful to have them. Grateful that they don’t push, but don’t give in either. Some of the strongest people he’s known…

Renee is the one who actually talks him through it. All the others are ready with their pitchforks, about to burn Mary at the stake, but she understands. She walks with him through everything, the good and the bad, and lets him come to his own conclusion. She listens to him when he feels like talking about what is was like, and talks about her own mother when he doesn’t. She shows him, subtly, what a parental figure is supposed to look like through her own stories. Lets him realize that sometimes the people who care don’t get it right, but that there are still others who love you, and that love doesn’t have to come with pain. 

Bonus:

(Ik you didn’t ask, and this is probably too long already, but) Wymack and Abby find out about this indirectly, likely through either Andrew or Matt. Wymack had known from the beginning this would have been the case, but he’d had no idea it had come from his mother. It hurts him, that no one had ever been careful with Neil the way he needed. He doesn’t realize that he had been, though. Wymack hadn’t raised his voice, hadn’t made himself big in front of Neil. He had been careful to keep his anger far, far away and had always been there when Neil needed him. Wymack is his true father. Or mother. Or whatever. 

Abby does what she does with Aaron: she gives him space. She knows that he’s probably never seen a woman in a comforting light before, and she waits to make sure that he’s okay with her presence before she gets anywhere near close to him. She lets him come to her, and, like Wymack, makes sure Neil knows that if she ever gets frustrated, that she would never take it out on him. They start the very slow process of showing Neil what it is like to be loved and cared for by someone who wants only to see you happy. Neil loves his family so, so much. He would choose them a thousand times over. 

[kevindayisafrog]

Jean and Kevin in the Nest?? (Because they 100% hooked up)

TW - aftermath of abuse

Jean hated to see Kevin like this. All bandaged and bloody with an empty spark of hope in his eyes. Hope that Riko would go back to the boy they once knew. The boy who would fight anyone who even looked at Kevin wrong; the boy that stroked Kevin’s hair during a really bad panic attack. But that boy was gone, the man that now took that place wore a sickening grin and enjoyed pulling Kevin’s leash till he choked. Jean knew that it was risky going into Kevin’s room alone but he had to make sure that Kevin was still breathing. “Bonjour, mon ange”, he whispers and quietly shuts the door behind him. Kevin pulls himself up with shaky arms and drops his head onto the black abyss of a wall behind him. “Hi”, he smiles with blood stained teeth, his left hand clutching his ribs. Jean’s heart flutters with pain and something that he doesn’t want to name, but knows too well. “How bad is it?” Jean curls up next to Kevin and brings the battered boy into a gentle hug, careful not to hurt him further. “I can still hold a racket”, Kevin shrugs and lets go of his ribs, wiggling his left hand above the covers as if to prove his point. “Mon ange, forget about Exy. You need to focus on yourself and heal”, he places a small kiss onto Kevin’s temple and earns a rare genuine smile. “As if the master would allow time off”, the smile fades into an apathetic look that makes Jean want to kill Riko. The Kevin Jean once knew is slipping further away, the toothy grins being replaced by grimaces and scowls. It makes Jean’s heart ache, he wants, more than anything, to hold Kevin until they’re both the kids they once more; even if it’s just for a moment. They sit in comfortable silence, both calming at the sound of the other breathing. “Jean?”, Kevin breaks the silence and nuzzles his head deeper into Jean’s shoulder as Jean tries hard not to blush. “Do you think that we’ll ever make it out of here..alive?” Kevin’s voice fades to a whisper and Jean pulls him closer. “I promise that you’ll be okay, mon ange. I promise”, he places a light kiss into Kevin’s hair and feels the air still around them. Kevin shakes his head slightly and sighs, “but what about you? I’ll never be okay if you’re not”. Jean’s heart drops and he pull Kevin close into his chest, “I’ll always be with you, mon amour. We’ll be okay”.

Kevin slowly raises his head and pushes himself up with a wince to look Jean in the eyes. They both hold their breath as Kevin watches Jean’s lips slowly. “What does ‘mon amour’ mean?” Kevin watches Jean as he swallows audibly. “My love”, he whispers and regrets ever letting himself get this close to Kevin. He’ll bring them both down, he’s in too deep. “I thought so”, Kevin slowly brings his face closer to Jean’s and Jean feels as if he can’t breathe. “Do you know what I admire about you, Jean?” as Kevin speaks their lips almost brush and Jean’s heart stutters to a stop. “What?” he asks as Kevin hesitantly closes his eyes. “You’ve kept your accent despite the master beating French out of you. I think that’s very beautiful of you”, he breathes onto Jean’s lips lightly, “can I kiss you?”. Jean nods and Kevin smiles before finally pressing their lips together in a gentle kiss. Jean’s eyes roll back as he gasps into Kevin’s mouth and slowly traces his finger up Kevin’s spine. “You’re too sappy, mon coeur”, his words are lost in the heavenly kiss as Kevin tangles his hand into Jean’s oversized sweater.

Jean wakes up a few hours later with Kevin’s head resting upon his chest, his cheek pressed up against his skin. He allows himself to kiss Kevin’s hair once more before pulling himself gently from underneath the sleeping boy without waking him. Kevin rolls over with a wince and carries on his fitful sleep with his back to the room as Jean slips out of the door and pads down the dark corridor into his own room, praying that Riko was still on the court. He sinks onto his bed and begins laughing quietly to himself, his happiness finally bubbling over. He can’t remember the last time he’s ever felt so alive and a flicker of worry crosses his mind, but he just pushes it away. He’s happy. He’s finally happy. That’s all that matters. He lies down on top of the bed sheets and falls asleep dreaming about Kevin’s gentle lips upon his. Maybe he does want to stay around, just a bit longer.

[codename-adler]

Kevin Day and his Oblivious Literature Lover, pt.V

Let’s all repeat after me: therapizing our faves helps us therapize ourselves! If Kevin can get better, maybe we all can... right? 

>>Table of Contents, TW and other parts here!

the water runs behind the bathroom door for so long that Kevin spaces out in his spot on the floor, losing himself in thoughts about the Foxhole Court (surprise, surprise)

Juliet comes out at last an hour later, freshly showered, her hair wet and springy, her face even paler than before

she goes to rummage through her tiny dresser, slow and silent like a dead walker, and pulls out multiple clothes before going back into the humidity of the bathroom

she finally comes out into the room a few minutes later, dressed in clean sweatpants and multiple t-shirts and sweaters

the one on top is a simple, XXL black hoodie with the PSU logo on the front, in washed out orange

Kevin unconsciously thinks that the blindingly bright orange Exy hoodies the Foxes have would suit her so much better

happy colors help happy thoughts, right? 

(who said that again? was it Nicky? he was probably talking about the gay flag anyways...)

Kevin is pulled from his thoughts when Juliet trudges over to her bed, lets herself fall in it and sluggishly pulls on blue fuzzy socks to warm her cold feet

he slighlty turns to look up at Juliet, and they start a staring contest from where they each sit

but Kevin soon realizes that not everything is a contest, and not everyone exists to challenge him, and Juliet isn’t the Foxes

because she barely lasts 2 seconds before lowering her gaze to her hands, shoulders tensing and fingers picking at dry skin

however, as Kevin keeps feeling out of his depth and thinks about just leaving right there and then, Juliet quietly mumbles

“If I talk, will you talk too?”

Kevin’s first thought is “I don’t have shit to say and I sure as hell wouldn’t give you dirt on me,” and it clearly shows on his face

lucky for him, Juliet’s head is still lowered, so he has time to force himself out of his fight-or-flight relfex

she isn’t the Foxes, she isn’t the Ravens, she isn’t the Foxes, she isn’t the Ravens, she-

but still, what if she is? what if this is all a scam? 

but then again, he looked for her, he found her, he spent the night, he is asking... if anyone’s nosy in all this, it’s him

it feels like at the point where he is, where they are, he’s acted far from his usual, asshole self, and he just wants to keep going... it feels good not to fight

“Yes, I will talk. If the subject stays within the limits of what I’m willing to talk about. You should do so yourself,” Kevin states, not quite softly, but not quite sharply either, like he usually does

Juliet anxiously nods, still not looking up

the silence settles back between them, the room heavy with dread, fear and awkwardness

after a while, Juliet speaks up, barely above a whisper, but in the quiet of her room, it feels like her words ring in Kevin’s ears

“If I google you right now, what am I going to find?”

and shit

anything but that

he wants to hold on so bad, just a little while more, to this nobody he’s managed to keep up with Juliet

because if she knows... then everything he’s managed to keep at bay when he’s with her will come rushing back over him, and over her too

and he doesn’t want that

it’s not shame, it’s not pride

it’s pure fear

“You are going to see very ugly things,” is all he responds, face blank and emptily staring at the wall

inside, though, it stings to say those words. because it isn’t totally the truth. exy is his pride, his reason to live, his air to breathe. but if she finds out about exy, she will also learn about the violence, the multiple “accidents”, she’ll know about Riko...

and if she knows about Riko, she’s one step closer to Riko knowing about her

“Kevin. When you say ‘ugly’, you mean you’ve had a shitty life so far, or you mean you’ve killed many people? Because you’re the man who slept on my floor all night and I’m alone, and I’m very afraid right now.”

of course he fucked it up one question in

what is he supposed to say, though? ‘Of course I’m not a murderer, but my owners are’ ? 

and the more he thinks about the correct answer to give, the more he looks like he’s searching for an excuse and the more Juliet is retreating into the corner of her bed

“Fuck, no. It means that half the cards I’ve been dealt with are extremely good, and the other half is very, very fucked up. And it’s all over the Internet. And the things that you won’t find there are the ugliest. Ugly secrets that make me even more unlikeable to my... roommates, and our classmates. A walking asshole on a stick.”

Juliet stops moving

“That’s… quite the load of bullshit, Kevin. I won’t look, okay? I promise you. But you said truth for truth. That is not a truth. But... you also said we don’t have to answer if we don’t want to. Kevin, you don’t have to. I’ll take your word that you’re not a serial killer. I’ll haunt you if you are, though. I’ll make all your spoons disappear. And kick you in your sleep.”

Kevin didn’t know how to react

it was so… easy

too easy

just like that, the subject was dropped

no pushing, no threatening knife, no mood swing

now it was his turn

somehow he could only think of Matt, of Aaron and their nights out at Eden’s, of Seth…

“Are you on drugs?” was out of his mouth before he could be careful of his tone

it sounded severe, accusing

yet Juliet did not react, not even a little bit

she just kept on looking at him, letting the silence pressure him into guiltily babbling his excuse

“I’ve seen these signs before, okay! And heard about them too. I know what addiction looks like. The sickly pale skin, the mess, the absences, the shutdowns. Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what.”

“Like a wounded animal.”

his tone was harsh enough to resemble the attitude he usually reserved for the Foxes

and he knew he’d been too rough when it caused Juliet to draw in a shaky breath

“Wow, you’re really good at that… Ever considered being a detective or a life coach? You’re actually not far from the truth… Jesus,” Juliet exhaled. “I do take drugs. Antidepressants. Strong ones. And I ran out this week. I don’t have the money. You’re currently witnessing a withdrawal combined with a depressive episode. Impressive, huh?”

her voice was so devoid of emotions Kevin was reminded once again of Andrew…

except that her face was a mirror cracked open, her pain palpable in the air between them

his first instinct was to reply ‘What’s wrong with you?’, because he genuinely wanted to know why she had to take such heavy medication at her age, and why she couldn’t afford it anymore, but he willed himself to let the words die on his tongue; try not to be a fuckup this time, will you?

however, before Kevin could formulate his thought correctly, the silence overworked Juliet too and she filled it with her story...

“I was diagnosed with dysthymia a couple of months ago. I’ve basically been stuck in a dark cloud since I was like, 15. Never went away. Wasn’t ‘serious’ enough to get medical attention, like the docs said. Fast forward last winter, I had a complete nervous breakdown at my workplace. It was pretty ugly. 911, ambulance, psych ward, psych eval, pills, and other… things. Oh, and a fuckload of bills. Even my scholarship doesn’t cover all of that. So I tried to make my prescriptions last longer by taking my medication every other day, which… Well, not recommended by your local psychiatrist. Last weekend I had to choose between groceries or pills. Now my body is missing its drugs and I’m missing major classes. So…  Ta-da…” she told Kevin, her arms slowly moving as if to present a show.

Kevin was speechless

not because he was shocked, or because he pitied her, or because he was disgusted

he was speechless because of the anger that choked him from inside

he felt such a rage at the idea that Juliet couldn’t receive the help she needed, the care she deserved

he was speechless because as anger consumed him, he realized that it was the same anger he’d felt when Jean was given back to him in pieces

he was speechless because he cared too much, now

he hadn’t even seen it coming

if Juliet were to be pulled away now, it’d feel like pulling every stitches he ever had

and all it had taken was a few months

[whatmack]

Imagine little Kevin Day. His mother just died a few years ago and he’s trapped in the big bad Nest, being surrounded by the darkness. And then little Nathaniel makes and appearance and it’s like a ray of sunshine made its way in the Nest and Kevin is so excited to have Nathaniel around and making plans for the future with him and promising him that they’re going to be Court, and then Nathaniel is gone, he’s disappeared and Kevin is crushed. 1/?

What happened? Where did he go? Didn’t he want to be friends anymore? He would ask the Master every day if he’s been found, but he stopped after the master slapped him in the face and told him to leave him alone with his aberration. And for years he would look in the newspaper and at the news to see if they’ve been found. He had Jean now, but Jean is not Nathaniel. He’s lost all hope after Riko crushed his hand. His only worry now was to stay alive. 2/?

He drinks and plays and fights and his mind is now far from Nathaniel and checking for him. At some point one thing lead to another and he falls for Andrew, and they kiss and they fuck, but he knows Andrew would not reciprocate. And then Neil Josten comes along and he’s so infuriating and interesting and he plays with everything he’s got and he’s got both of them intrigued. 3/?

And Neil’s real identity is discovered by Kevin and he feels like the ground have up from beneath his feet and was falling and falling and falling, but at the end he landed and he’s finally releasing a breath he’s been holding because Nathaniel is safe and he’s alive, but also an idiot for putting a target on his back. And Baltimore happens and he realises his intense his feelings have been for this trouble kid all along and how he couldn’t bear to lose him again. 4/?

My point is, Kevin Day has always been in love with Neil and he’s lost him and recovered him and he’s not letting go of him ever again. 5/5

--

I just, wonder so much what little 8 year old nathaniel wesninski was like....I wonder if kevin knew it was a tryout when they met? How often did this kind of thing happen? this is tetsuji still trying to build the ravens right, like kevin and riko were playing Exy before most people knew it existed, so it makes sense that there would be multiple tryouts

I imagine kevin not really getting the whole “sold to the moriyamas” thing and is like !! okay! hey this tryout kid is actually good!! he actually seems to CARE about the game!! and have skills! he wouldn’t have had, you know, many friends, so i imagine kev getting really excited to be friends with nathaniel but not knowing how to make friends so he awkwardly follows him around and talks at him (I wonder how pleased riko would’ve been at that...) It doesn’t make sense, to Kevin, to think of himself as separate from Exy. Neil is part of Exy. It doesn’t make sense, to Kevin, to think of a time he didn’t feel like this for Neil: it’s so much a part of him that it takes him a long time to figure out what to call it (On another note imagine Kevin having trouble understanding that Andrew loving being obessed with Neil isn’t the same as loving Exy. “How can you care about Neil and not Exy they’re part of each other?” “There’s so much there to unpack that I’m tired just hearing it”)

[percontaion-points]

King’s Men chapter 1

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions.

Chapter 1

...then studied the spring championship banners hanging in numerical order around the stadium.

I'm still not quite sure that I'll ever be over the author deciding “year-round sport season”.

He'd agreed to spend Christmas break at Edgar Allan, but the Ravens operated on sixteenhour days during their holidays.

I get that the ravens are supposed to be EBUL, but like... they do realize that people need to fucking sleep right? Even beyond sleep, there's such a thing as over-training. And people who are sleep deprived and too exhausted to move ARE NOT AT THEIR PEAK.

Oh wait. I forget that the author knows nothing about sports, and I'm going to lump physical training into all of that as well.

I know that asking that the author knowing basic human biology and how humans function is honestly asking for a lot, but seriously? It seems like the goddamned bare minimum WHEN YOU'RE LITERALLY WRITING ABOUT THIS AS A CENTRAL THEME.

For a moment he was back at Evermore being smothered by the Ravens' malevolence and the court's forbidding color scheme. He'd never been claustrophobic but the weight of so much hatred had almost

crushed every bone in his body.

Again, I feel like this is asking a lot for this really crappy author, but like... not every single person on the Raven's team would have been so mean and nasty. Statistically speaking, at least some of them would have been nice.

But wait! Everybody outside of Riko and Jean are a team-shaped cardboard cut-out. They literally don't even have names, and forget about personalities.

"I was figuring something out."

"You were stalling," Wymack accused him, "so I did it for you. I told them you look like you've gone six rounds with a Sasquatch and said you probably wouldn't want to talk about it. They promised not to smother you, but I don't know if they'll keep that promise when they see you up close. This, though, I didn't tell them about." He gestured vaguely at his own face.

For all that this series likes to talk about the players going to mandatory therapy sessions, the second that therapy becomes relevant AND NEEDED, suddenly it's like “Betsy who?”

Neil doesn't need exy or the team; he needs long-term therapy and a good lawyer. (To sue the pants off from Riko. We'll start with the assault and unlawful imprisonment charges and go from there.)

"Riko called me on Christmas to say he inked you. How long do you think he'll let you hide before he forces you to show it off?”

I 100% feel like the author has no idea that tattoo removal is a thing that exists.

"You still don't have any proper winter clothes," Nicky said. "We should just take you out and expand your wardrobe again, but I figured we'd start with this. You can't keep wearing team hoodies and not expect to catch a cold. Does it fit?"

I find it hard to swallow that Neil doesn't have any proper winter clothes. I know that this is one of the Carolinas, but still. It still gets kind of chilly in the winter.

Riko said Easthaven's Dr. Proust used "therapeutic reenactments" to help his patients. It was a thin line between psychological cruelty and real physical abuse, and Riko made it clear Proust was willing to cross that line if Neil disobeyed.

The 1980's called and they want their illegal therapy practices done by people who should have had their medical licenses revoked a long time ago back.

It was too early and he was too sore to fall sleep again yet, but he pulled his blankets over his head and willed himself to stop thinking.

Chapter 1 summary: It's been two days since Neil got back, and he's basically had the place to himself (and David). But David tells him that the others are at the airport now, and that Neil needs to get a goddamned grip. Again, kind of feel like Neil needs intense therapy, but... sure. Let's shove him back into exy and the dorm and college classes like nothing happened. Sounds healthy!

The others show up, and they're startled by Neil's appearance, and what he had to go through. They don't know the specifics, but the broad, sweeping general idea, that's mapped out by the bruises and Neil's new tattoo.

Some of the team give Neil a warm, winter jacket, citing that he doesn't have any proper winter clothes, and has only just been wearing team hoodies up until this point. Neil starts crying over the entire thing, which... okay. Kevin also gives Neil his binder full of money back.

They then go to the hospital where Andrew has been staying. As they're waiting for Andrew to come out from where ever, Kevin talks with Neil some about the abuse he also suffered because of exy and Riko. Neil asks why Kevin never told David that he was Kevin's father, but Kevin doesn't exactly have answers.

When Andrew comes out, he has a weird blank look, and practically ignores all of them. They go back to the dorm. After Andrew gets settled back in, he and Neil go up to the roof where Andrew asks for an explanation. Neil is still under some mistaken impression that him going to Evermore was to protect Kevin, but Andrew doesn't exactly see it like that, and they fight over the entire thing. Like everything in this dumb series, it's too long and doesn't seem to serve half the point the author seems to think it does.

Neil goes inside, where he pretends like everything is normal, but then randomly blacks out. For hours. And literally nobody notices any of this.

[side-effect-of-the-meds]

So, it seems that some of y’all have taken an interest in Niko!!! I’m so glad. Anyway, here’s part two

Nikoshi is torn between charging up to hug his literal fucking idol and keeping up a cool kid facade. Fortunately, the cool kid facade wins out. If Niko had touched Kevin, he would not have been able to stop himself from flinging the kid across the lawn. There’s something that’s just so… so… Riko about the kid that Kevin is on the verge of breakdown. 

Ichirou kind of ushers him into the house and Kevin sits down very mechanically on the couch. From the kitchen, Aaron walks out and is faced with Niko for the first time. Niko’s heard about Kevin Day’s husband before but he’s never seen him. 

“You’re really short,” is the first thing out of his mouth. This kid, this absolute asshole, walks into his fucking house and the first fucking thing he says is ‘You’re really short’???? Aaron is so stunned by this kid and his bullshit that he doesn’t even say anything.

Amalia wanders out from the kitchen at the commotion in the living room and the second she sees Niko her first reaction is friend????? New fren??????? She’s very excited. Before she can go out and say anything, Aaron snags her and makes his way into the living room to sit beside Kevin and sets her in his lap. She keeps squirming bc she wants to meet new fren. 

Anyway, Ichirou has already called the two of them and has informed him of who the kid is. They’re going to have to take him to the doctor and get some ‘blood work’ done to confirm Ichirou’s suspicions but they already know. He looks too much like Riko to not be his kid

Ichirou asks a few questions, all of which Aaron has to answer seeing as Kevin is too busy silently flipping his shit. Both Niko and Kev spend the whole half an hour just staring at each other in awestruck silence. 

Ichirou leaves and Aaron says it’s time for dinner. They all eat at the dinner p quietly, except for Amalia who has run out of patience. She insists on sitting next to Niko and blabbering on and on about something or the other. She’s 5 at this point so she’s mostly talking about her crayons and showing Niko that she can count to fifty. For the most part, Niko is content to listen to her bc it means he doesn’t really have to talk. 

After dinner, Aaron takes Niko upstairs to show him his room and hands him some clothes. As soon as Aaron heard the news, he’d gone down to target and just picked some random basic shit out. He tells Niko that they’ll go to the mall soon so that they can pick up a few things that’ll actually fit him. Niko’s never had new clothes in his life. He doesn’t know how to feel about it. 

He puts all of his emotions aside for the time being. He’ll have to evaluate them later. Niko starts to pull his shirt off and he hears Aaron gasp. Only then does he realize that the bruises from his last foster haven’t faded yet. He goes red and backs away, trips over something and falls onto his butt. 

“Niko-” Aaron started, moving forward. Immediately, Niko flinched violently and Aaron stilled. Schooling his face into neutrality, Aaron dropped his hands to his side. “Get changed and come down. I want to see the bruises.” 

“No,” Niko spat.

“I’m not asking,” Aaron countered flatly. “As soon as you’ve changed, you will come downstairs and we will treat the bruises. Are we clear?” Niko nodded. Aaron backed out of the room, shutting the door to give Niko some privacy. 

“What bruises?” Kevin asked, starling a curse out of him. 

“Kev, he’s covered in them,” Aaron replied. Anger burned in his chest. In that moment, there was nothing Aaron wanted more than to hunt down whomever had hurt Niko so badly and beat them black and blue. All that kept him grounded was the pain of his nails biting into his palms. He felt Kevin’s arms wrap around him and he left himself be held. “He looks worse than I ever did,” Aaron whispered. His voice sounded hollow, even to his own ears. 

“He’s going to be okay, baby. He’s here now. We’ll take care of him,” Kevin assured as he stroked his hair. 

A few minutes later, Niko steps out and lets them take him downstairs. Amalia is long gone, put to bed so that she doesn’t witness this absolute horror that her dads are about to see. Aaron has a makeshift clinic set up in the house and he makes Niko sit down on the little bed and take his shirt off. 

Kevin curses and gets smacked for cursing in front of Niko. After figuring out how old they are, Aaron sets to work massaging creams into them to heal them faster. His hands are firm, unyielding, but gentle enough that they don’t hurt. It’s a foreign feeling to Niko. He’s never not been touched by anyone without them intending for him to hurt. 

Aaron asks Niko if there are anymore. Niko is tempted to lie to him but something in Aaron’s dark brown eyes coaxes him into telling the truth. He wriggles out of his pants to show him the bruises on his legs. 

Lashes from rulers stripe his legs. A few scars have accumulated from the metal part cutting into his skin. Kevin sucks a breath in through his teeth when he sees them. He’s been hit with the metal edge of a ruler before. He’s got the same scars on his legs. 

Aaron rubs scar cream into them and takes care of the remaining bruises. He’s so pissed off and it shows on his face. Niko, the poor, sweet bean thinks that Aaron is mad at him. So many adults have gotten angry with him for being such a problem. 

He slides off the table when Aaron tells him to and changes back into his clothes. They dismiss him so he slips back upstairs. Kevin and Aaron stay downstairs to talk for a little while. Neither of them say it outloud but they both come to the consensus that, Riko’s son or not, they will protect Niko with their lives. 

It’s not quite as easy as you’d think. Riko was such a bitch and he caused them and their families so much pain. Over the course of the next few months, every time Niko raises his voice, Kevin flinches violently. There are times when Aaron has to discreetly escort him away to help him avoid the impending panic attack. 

They’d told Bee that they were taking in Riko’s son and she’d mentioned that it would be hard on Kev but Aaron hadn’t thought it would be this bad. It’s been almost twelve years since Riko’s death but Kevin is still such a broken man. 

That doesn’t mean he isn’t trying. Kev drives Niko to school himself every day and picks him up from the bus stop every morning. They work on his history projects together and stress out over math together. Aaron is an amazing science tutor but he’s also very insistent that Niko actually learns things for himself.

Over the summer, Kev takes Niko to the court Every. Single. Day. Aaron, who’s the head physician for Kevin’s team is almost always sitting on the sideline with Amalia to keep an eye on them. He doesn’t need Kev killing their kids. 

Most of Kevin’s frustration comes from the fact that Niko shows absolutely NO POTENTIAL. I mean, baby boi is just tripping over his own two feet and can barely keep track of his steps while holding the ball only to have Kevin just FUCKING BARREL INTO HIM BC HE KNOWS NO RESTRAINT ON THE COURT BC HE’S A DUMBASS!

Anyway, Aaron eventually intervenes and kicks Kev off the court. He just kinda sits a really huffy Niko down on the bench and asks him if something’s wrong. After a great deal of gently coaxing, Niko admits that Kevin is kind of scary. 

Aaron digs his shit out of the closet and steps on the court and he helps teach Niko the basics. In a week, Niko is playing incredibly well for his age and Kevin is pissed bc how tf did Aaron manage this????

Anyway, Niko is playing really well by then so he tries out for the team and makes it! He’s playing varsity despite being in 7th grade and is a starting offense dealer. 

He tried out for dealer in middle school but he only ever plays as a striker at home. It’s his secret and he’s not keen to show his hand just yet. He’s also a halfway decent goalkeep. That being said, both Aaron and Kev are comparing him to the best goalkeep in the Southern circuit so calling him half-way decent is an understatement but I digress.

Anyway, he’s an incredible player bc he has a lot of individual skill but he’s not much of a team player. More than once, he’s mouthed off to the wrong kid and gotten himself into trouble. That being said, he’s really fast so he’ll just nyoom off before anyone can beat his ass and no one has the time or energy to pursue him for it. 

It’s not until 8th grade that he gets into serious trouble. 

Kev and Aaron are called down to the school bc Niko’s gotten himself into a fight. When they get there, they just about die. Their baby boy has a massive black eye and there’s bruises on his arm from someone holding him down. They are so so so pissed off. 

When they ask what happens Niko doesn’t say anything. One of the kids says that he was bullying them. Neither Kev nor Aaron buy that. 

What happened was a bunch of kids were picking on someone and Niko was having none of that shit. He absolutely unleashed and shreds the kids, picking out insecurities they didn’t even know they had and trashing them. So caught up in roasting these ho’s Niko didn’t realize it was time to dip until it was too late. The kids beat the crap out of him and he can barely stand. 

When the kid Niko was defending ghosts into the room Kev and Aaron immediately know what’s going on.

Niko,,,,,,, has caught feelings. Babie is looking at this kid like they hung the goddamn moon and, honestly, they couldn’t past them. Winter Aziz (they/them) is,,,,, stunning and it wouldn’t surprise either of Kev or Aaron if they’d crafted the moon. The two of them are now betting on how long it’s going to take Niko to figure out he likes the kid. 

But back to the actual story. 

Anyway, once Winter gives their side of the story, the dean admits that the boys were in the wrong. Two of the boys end up getting suspended. Apparently, Winter’s parents are busy so they offer them a ride home. In the rearview mirror, Kev can see Niko squirming bc Winter is just sitting so close!!!! They stop by this lil diner that Niko loves and buy him a milkshake. They offer to buy Winter one too but they decline. Niko ends up offering to share and its ADORABLE!!!! Aaron snaps a pic and sends it to Kev so that they can both be reminded of this cuteness. 

Anyway, needless to say, Winter and Niko are now best friends. They do everything together and have a lot of,,,,,,, sleepovers in which Kev and Aaron feel really bad bc Niko’s gone gone for his best friend and Winter doesn’t seem to notice. 

That’s bullshit. Winter knows Niko likes them. They’re just not ready to admit that they like him too. 

Over the summer before 9th grade, Winter becomes a part of their summer practice. They’ve taken an interest in sports medicine bc they can be close to Niko.

Midway through July, Kevin gives up trying to get Niko to be a team player. He’s just not the kind of person who can teach him how to be that kind of person. 

But he knows someone who can. 

It’s a late night on the court and Niko’s run himself ragged. 

“It’s no use to play against an empty goal,” a voice Niko knows too well said. It took every ounce of his energy to sit up enough to see Neil Josten standing above him. “Why don’t you give him a real challenge?” he asked as he stepped aside, revealing a man who looked exactly like Niko’s dad. The man said nothing. Instead, he moved quietly to stand in the goal. “Better hurry up, Niko. Andrew doesn’t like to be kept waiting.” With that, Neil left Niko on the court to face off against the best goalkeep in the Southern circuits all on his own.

[meanminyxrd]

believe but its ab a redheaded runaway

alright so today i’m tackling ‘believe’ by hollywood undead. i think the vibes can fit both andrew and neil, but moreso neil in this connotation. as always, book spoilers ahead. i’ve been forgetting to put that lately.

let’s start w the chorus and opening of the song:

I can't believe that when I breathe

There's something good inside of me, just one good thing inside

So close to me, that memory

Of that one good thing inside of me, just one good thing inside of me, yeah

neil is, inherently, a selfish person before he gets attached to the foxes. think ab it: he cares only for his survival and nothing more, nothing less. that takes a certain type of apathy towards other people, which was taught to him by his mother. stay disconnected, stay safe. care for no one but yourself. when he starts seeing that the foxes care for him, and he’s just... playing them, essentially—lying to them about who he is and where he’s come from—he acknowledges that they’re never going to forgive him for ditching them later on in the year; specifically andrew, because he promised andrew he would stay. he feels like a bad person but it’s what he has to do to live. he wants to stay and play exy and be able to focus on something other than survival for once, but he knows it’s all just a play in his head. in the end its about his survival.

If I ran out the backdoor, nobody would stop me, but where would I go?

'Cause I ain't ever had a real home, so what do I know?

So I could keep running, hide until they find me, but what would that do?

If they could only know what I knew, what would it prove?

I should've seen the writing on the wall, instead I'm left to fall

'Cause the longer I'm away, the more we stay the same

Looking back, would've thought I knew it all

Instead I'm left to fall, did I throw it all away?

neil is a runaway. it’s how he’s managed to survive this long; running away and keeping on the move to avoiding his father’s men tracking him down. never leaving a trail, never staying anywhere for too long and never making any connections. when he leaves, there’s no one there to stop him both physically and metaphorically. no connections means he isn’t held back emotionally or by someone forcing him to stay. he’s never really had a home, being on the run his whole life. its all about survival, but neil signs the contract to palmetto, right? he knows he could keep running to stay safe but really, what would that do? is that really living? he wants to open up to people im sure, but what would that prove to them? in his mind it would just show that he was a bad person—dangerous. keeping kevin around is one thing; kevin is an exy star. he’s worth it. but neil? neil is nothing. why would they risk their life for a nobody?

saying he should have seen the writing on the wall alludes to all the hints that his father’s men left that they were closing in on him, however he ignored it just to be able to stay a little longer—play a little longer. instead he ignored it and fell. looking back on it he thought he had a handle on it and would be able to get away or at the very least accept his death, but it actually hurts. he got attached without realizing. and now he’s wondering if any of it was worth it. is this worth losing his life for? or, did he do enough w his time with the foxes and with andrew? or did he throw away that time for nothing?

Don't you know, little boy, they'll lay you to waste, man?

Little do they know every song has a lifespan

Never taken one, but I'm taking my last chance

To hold all we know and let go with both hands

So don't you know the clouds are made from concrete?

Right through the stone, can you hear my heartbeat?

Beats through my bones like the memory left me

Not for a second or a minute when I dream

I wanna go home like the home that I keep

You can dig six or sixty-six feet

‘don’t you know, little boy, they’ll lay you to waste, man?’ his father’s men want him dead and he knows that. they’re who he’s been outrunning his entire life (and i suppose the yakuza but he didn’t know that.) he knows attention is being drawn towards him by being in the public eye, so this is like he’s mocking himself, because he knows he’s taking a very big unnecessary risk. he’s never taken a chance in his life before because its always been about survival. but this time he is taking a chance. he’s taking a chance by joining the palmetto state foxes. but by taking this chance it is metaphorically the last chance he’ll ever take, because at this point he’s 99% sure he’s gonna end up dead by the end of it all. ‘dont you know the clouds are made of concrete?’ referencing that the only way out for him is by death. whether by someone else’s hand or his own. the only way this whole catastrophe is going to end in him being ‘at peace’ or ‘in heaven’ ie the clouds, is if he’s killed. digging 6 or 66 feet down implies ‘6 feet under’, again a death metaphor.

We could live forever, still your misery missed me

Hold this song together with a bottle of whiskey

Look into the mirror at the lines that time drew

See them painted white and the eyes that shine through

My heart beats heavy in an open chest

And I wanna say goodbye, but there's nobody left

he could have gone to his dad and flipped everything on his mom instead, or run off to live with his uncle, but the anger that his father had missed neil. yes, neil had his father’s temper, but his father was tainted with misery that neil didn’t get and he didn’t want any part in the crime scene of things. ‘look into the mirror at the lines that time drew, see them painted white and teh eyes that shine through.’ this part to me is in the mirror after the nest, when neil is first really seeing his scars, ‘the lines that time drew’ would reference like old age lines stereotypically, but in neil’s case i see it a reference to his scars because that’s what marks time for him—his scars. the scars that his dad and his dad’s men left. the scars that riko left. the scars he has just from living. the ‘eyes that shine through’ is because neil no longer has his contacts. when wymack gets him from the airport he has nothing of his disguise left. and god, is he tired of running. his heart is so heavy. he wants to be able to say goodbye to someone when he dies, but there’s no one left. his mom is dead and he has no connections other than, now, the foxes. but being in this mindset of its him vs everyone, he’s alone. he cant say goodbye to anyone but himself.

I broke it all, and I put it to the test

Put your hand on mine, and feel this emptiness

There's no beat in my chest 'cause there's nothing left

No, it ain't goodbye, it's a last caress

What's another dream? You can hardly sleep

Can you believe bad things only happen to me?

God knows one day you will finally see

That scars will heal but were meant to bleed

neil, by making these decisions, broke every self imposed rule he had for himself to stay safe. he broke the rules his mother had set in place prior to her death, and he tested the limits. he chanced trusting, if just a little. he chanced making a connection. specifically, with andrew. so this part is really andreil heavy for me. let me explain why.

this part is almost like the locker room scene when his father’s men were being security guards and he knew he no longer stood any chance. he says goodbye to andrew in that moment, and this last part is a big goodbye message to me.

he’s empty. he’s out of fight. he cant fight or he would risk the foxes lives too. there’s nothing left inside of him. he says thank you to andrew as a goodbye, but it’s not a goodbye, no, it’s a last touch, one last joy to share even if it’s small. ‘whats another dream? you can hardly sleep.’ what’s the loss of something you lose all the time? what’s the loss of something that doesnt matter? neil doesnt think he matters to andrew, and so what will his loss mean, if anything? why would andrew care? the ‘can you believe bad things only happen to me?’ is a mocking quote if anything; bad things have followed neil around his whole life, and though statistically its not true only bad things happen to him, it sure feels like he’s got the worst of it. and even in the off chance that andrew does miss him, the emotional scars will heal, even if it does hurt. because neil doesnt think he matters as much to andrew as he really does.

Do you realize I would lie for you?

Please, have my last breath, I would die for you

I know I'm no good, but my heart beats true

You know I'm gonna fight, though I might be scared to lose

You took me in, and I fucked it up again

An empty promise? No, I won't pretend

'Cause in the end we need someone to solve 'em

Nobody can fix me if I'm part of the problem

he would give everything to protect the foxes. he cares about them more than he’d like to admit. he may seem distant, but do they realize how far he’s willing to go to ensure their safety? first he went to the nest to protect them, right? now he’s literally going off to his death to keep them safe. he would lie for them, he would die for them; he would throw away everything he could and couldn’t have for them. he doesnt believe hes a good person, for putting them all in this situation, but he’s trying his best. his heart has the best intentions for the foxes. in that ‘goodbye’ to andrew, he conveys so much, and andrew obviously catches on that it’s a goodbye. but neil conveys that he’s gonna fight, even if he’s scared he’s gonna lose, even if he knows he’s gonna lose. andrew took him in after everything; after being sus of neil and then neil telling him half truths, and yet he’s fucking everything up again by going off to die. and empty promise? there isnt an empty failed promise because he made andrew break off the deal beforehand. in the end, andrew was the one who was helping to fix him. the connection he formed with andrew made him feel like he had a shot; like maybe they could outwit his father and he would be safe. however, this whole situation including himself couldn’t be fixed because he is a part of the problem. he blames himself for the foxes being a target so to keep them safe he will go off w his father’s men and remove the issue. no one can fix him and keep him safe if he’s the dangerous one.

uhhh yeah i hope you liked my breakdown! here’s neil’s playlist if you’re curious for more! see ya next time.

[100storiesin2020]

West Coast Friendship - an AFTG fic

This story was inspired by an Owl City song of the same name. Why mix Owl City and All for the Game? Ask the Muse.

TW: Neil’s past, specifically his mother, her abuse, and the events surrounding her death. Also, nightmares.

****

Neil woke with a gasp.

Heart pounding, he took stock of his surroundings. The apartment was dark, but his eyes were already adjusted. A phone, plugged in, sitting on the coffee table. Two pairs of shoes, resting by the door. A jacket and a hoodie hanging on the wall, looking almost surreal in these early hours. He was on a couch, tucked in under a thick blanket adorned with fox paws. He sighed in relief. This was his and Andrew’s apartment, and he was sleeping on the couch because yesterday had been a bad day. They were comfortable sleeping in the same bed, these days, but occasionally one of their pasts would rear its ugly head. Space was helpful when that happened to Andrew. Unfortunately it was less helpful for Neil.

Neil tried to calm his breathing. He was Neil Josten. He was, and always would be, a Fox. He was a professional Exy player. He lived in Denver, Colorado, and lived with his husband Andrew Minyard. He was twenty-five years old.

This chant wouldn’t stop the memories tonight.

He’d had a nightmare, a montage of memories about his mother. He thought of the way her hair had been difficult to manage, damaged by all the rounds of dye. He thought of her rough hands, her loud voice, her demands that he run and run and never look back.

And the walls were closing in, like the darkness around him.

Neil stood and put on his shoes. A run would help. He grabbed his phone and his wallet, having learned years ago that it was easier to take them with him than it was to fight about it later. Their apartment porch light was very bright and he didn’t want to wake Andrew when he left, so he snuck down the dark metal shape of the rusty fire escape.

The run did not help.

It did reduce the physical urge to move, but it wasn’t enough. Neil continued for miles and miles, trying to stop his mother’s voice chanting /run, Abram, run and don’t look back./ He knew she had been abusive. It had taken him years to recognize it, but he knew it was true. It wasn’t the whole truth, though. She was abusive, and she had been all he had, and he had loved her.

He had broken his promises.  He was quite clearly stuck here, held to Denver by contracts and Andrew, unable to run and unwilling to try. If only he had gotten to say goodbye -

He stopped. All he really needed was to say goodbye.

He devised a plan.

An hour later, he was at the airport. He’d bought a one-way ticket on the first flight available, and was going to make it just in time. He had called an Uber and left straight from his 4am run to the airport, not even stopping at home for a change of clothes. He felt an urgency, as if he needed to go now or it would never happen at all.

Neil opened his phone to text Andrew. I’m going to California. He sent the flight details. He thought for a moment, and decided to add Not running. Saying goodbye.

Neil checked the message again just before takeoff. Read at 6:23 am. Andrew hadn’t replied, but he’d gotten the message. There had never been any chance of Andrew coming with him, as much as Neil would have appreciated having him along. There were just too many hard memories in California.

The flight was too short.

Several modes of transportation later, Neil was in a rental car, nearing the beach where he had left his mother behind. Clouds were blowing in from the ocean, and it looked like it may rain. Or it may not. He’d never become familiar with coastal weather. The place snuck up on him, probably because he was approaching from the opposite direction, but there was no mistaking this beach. This was it.

smoke and waves and flames and salty air

He pulled off the road and walked towards the beach. He didn’t know exactly where he’d buried his mother, and there were no signs of where it might have been. Of course, there might not have been any signs by the next morning, thanks to the waves.

Neil sat in the sand and lit a cigarette. It was surreal. He could almost smell the burning car, hear the ripping sound of dried blood -

No. That was not why he had come.

He’d left that moment behind long ago. Right now, it wasn’t about the end. It was about the life before that.

Neil could picture Mary clearly. Her hair had been a light blond, quite beautiful, but he hadn’t seen it that way in years. She had preferred to dye it dark brown, rather muddy, which didn’t suit her skin tone but was admittedly less memorable. She’d always had a fearful manner, but a ruthless one too. It left its mark in her face - the worried lines, the determined expression, a permanent case of what Allison would have called “rbf”. 

It was almost as if she was here, just out of sight. Out there over the ocean, where the rain was beginning. 

“I’m sorry, Mom. I couldn’t run anymore,” Neil began to say. “I broke my promise to you. It was too hard to go on without you, and I stayed in one place too long.

It was the best decision I ever made.”

Neil paused, watching the rain fall on the ocean. It drifted in closer, blown into shore, but it was light and he had a hoodie. It fit the mood, really.

He continued. “I don’t really believe in a life after this. It’s hard to without believing in God, and no matter what Renee and Nicky say, I can’t believe a God would allow monsters to roam the world as they do. But I had to say goodbye to you.

I’ve let go of what you taught me. I stopped running. I started playing Exy. It gave me something to live for, after you were gone. And it was only the first of many stupid decisions I made.” Neil smirked. “You would have been furious. First it was signing with Kevin, even though he didn’t recognize me. Then it was appearing on TV. Then it was roasting Riko Moriyama himself on TV, and from there it only escalated.” Neil paused, remembering.

“I broke every rule you ever taught me,” he choked. He could see her now, angry and fierce, hand raised to slap him again and again and again and again. “You would be so angry with me. I was angry with myself.” The tears started to fall.

“I failed you, Mom.”

He sat there and cried with only his memories and the waves for company.

Neil had arrived in midmorning, but the sun was nearing the horizon when he felt a hand on his shoulder. It startled him half out of skin. He turned and tackled the person behind him, catching them off guard and pinning them to the sand before he realized who it was.

It was Matt. “Whoa there, Neil,” he said with a laugh. “I guess you didn’t hear me calling your name.”

Neil wiped the last of the tears from his eyes. “Matt??” He asked incredulously. “Why are you here??”

Matt shrugged. “Away game in LA this weekend.”

“But why are you here?”

Matt grinned. “Would you believe that Andrew sent me?” Neil just looked at him in shock. “He said you needed someone and posted your location in the Fox chat.”

“My location.” Neil deadpanned.

Matt scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “Well, yeah,” he said. “Apparently he has a tracking app on your phone in case you get kidnapped again.” Of course he did. “Anyway, I was the closest to you, so I came.” He put his hands on Neil’s shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. “I’m always here for you, Neil.”

It was too much. Neil tackled him again, in a hug this time, and started to cry again. This wasn’t like him, all these tears, but he supposed that he was only now allowing himself to finish the grieving process for his mom. Matt hugged him back, and they stood there for a while.

He may have lost his mother, but he had gained a whole new family because of it. He would never feel alone in their arms.

At this point the tide started to come in, surprising them both when the warm water suddenly washed around their ankles. It felt almost familiar, in a way. Maybe this water remembered him. The evening tide must know the whole ocean side quite well, after all.

Matt ruffled Neil’s hair and stepped back. “Do you feel better now?”

Neil thought, and then nodded slowly. “I’ll be alright now. I came to say goodbye to Mom, once and for all.” He turned back to the ocean, removing his shoes and walking in until the water was up to his knees. Matt stayed on the shore, watching him.

“I failed you,” Neil whispered into the waves. “You died trying to save my life, and I thanked you by breaking all your rules. But I managed something you did not. I /lived./

Father is dead. The Moriyamas own me, but I live life on my own terms. I have a husband, and a family, and I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do.

Thank you for helping me live long enough to get here.

Goodbye, Mom.”

And with that, he turned back to Matt and they started towards the car. “It’s strange to me that Andrew isn’t here.” It wasn’t a question, technically, but Neil wasn’t Andrew. He would answer this.

“There’s a reason for that,” Neil replied with a smirk.

“And that is?”

“Where we are.”

“The beach?”

Neil shook his head. “Not quite. There’s only one place that Andrew will never go. And since he isn’t here, well. I must be in California.”

[doodlingstuff]

Heaven Doesn’t Want Me

What if Mary had escaped alone? What if Nathaniel had grown up in Baltimore but not to become Raven!Neil nor Butcher!Neil?

What if Neil Alex Stephan Chris had met Erik during his time on Germany?

What if there was no "this" between Andrew and Neil until Baltimore?

A slight bamf!Neil, sort of soft Andrew, Renee's POV, lots of angst, hurt, blood, pain, and feelings brought to life after diving into the unsolved asks from @aftgficrec.

Read the whole thing in AO3 or stay here for the first part of the series.

Hope you like it :)

Chapter 1: Year Zero

How can your absence leave no trace? As I let you sink in Baltimore bay.

“Move” The savage pull at his hair jolted Nathaniel awake.  

Mary shoved him out of bed and hurried him to put his shoes on. Since Nathaniel could remember, they slept on their clothes, ready to race out from the house of Baltimore any moment, as it seemed they were doing then.  

Every single muscle in Nathaniel’s body screamed in pain. He had spent the whole day traveling to the biggest and darkest Exy court he had ever seen. He had played a brutal never-ending match against two older kids –Kevin and Riko- and after a violent scolding from his father, they had come back to the house.  

Nathaniel was definitely against waking up in the middle of the night to follow his mother. But he knew better than to protest, so he made his best to keep the fast pace Mary had while tiptoeing through the house.  

At some point, Mary put Nathaniel before her and kept scurrying through dark aisles until they reached the door leading to the Butcher's torture room. Nathaniel flinched away and crashed with his mother’s body. There must be a mistake. Except Mary was turning the knob to open the door.  

“Whatever happens. You never stop running and you never play  Exy again. Do you understand?”  

Of course, Nathaniel didn’t understand. He nodded anyway. Mary approved the nod and pushed  Nathaniel into the room.  

Fear crept from the tips of Nathaniel’s toes to the base of his neck like tiny spiders covering him completely. Of all the rooms in the house, that was the one he hated the most. Why would his mother take him there? Not even Mary punished him in that place. What has he done?  

“Hurry.”  

The windowless room was pitch dark. Nathaniel couldn’t even see the silver reflection from his father’s knives. The goosebumps along his arms only grew more. Nathaniel was afraid of tripping over, but at ten years old, he already knew that room like the back of his hand, just as Mary did. They advanced in total darkness.  

Mother and son were only a few feet away from the exit.  

Nathaniel felt the heat of a body even before he heard the voice.  

“The kid stays.”  

A single light was turned on from the back to let Nathaniel and Mary see the gleam of Patrick  DiMaccio’s smile while he played casually with a big chef knife. 

In a second, Nathaniel was behind Mary. That wasn’t any better though. Lola and Romero Malcolm were at the entrance he had crossed with his mother moments ago. Too many knives. Nathaniel felt her mother shiver beside him as she passed an arm around his tiny body and pointed with a gun at the guys surrounding them.  

“You don’t want to shoot that, Mary. What will the neighbors say?”  

At the sight of his father, Nathaniel was trembling too. Why were all of them there? Why his mother was running now that he was finally allowed by his father to play Exy?  

He didn’t know what was his mistake now. He had played as best as he could against the other kids. He had stayed quiet during the trip. He had obeyed. He hadn’t done anything his father hadn’t allowed or ordered first. The memory of a hot iron on his arm was still too fresh to attempt any defiance against Nathan. 

His arm started prickling for no reason. The burn had healed long ago.  

But fear.  

Fear was spreading desperately through his whole body like a fatal decease while Mary’s grip on the gun was starting to fail. Nathaniel was going to be sick soon. He knew what would happen if his stomach rebelled now, so he tried to breathe deeply enough to make the taste of bile go back down.  

It was useless as Nathan approached them.  

“I’m taking him away. You have no right to-” A fierce slap shut up Mary’s complaints.  

“He is   my   son too, and I will do as I please.”  

Mary spat blood directly to the Butcher’s shirt. “ You  won’t.”  

The next moments were a blur of movement, noise, and terror.  

Gunshots resonated in the small room like cannonballs shot on the open sea. All of the Butcher’s men launched towards them. In a split second, Nathaniel ducked and ran in search of a hiding spot among Nathan’s multiple torture instruments. There wasn’t much place to hide. There was no way to become invisible.  

“Nathaniel, RUN!” His mother’s voice commanded from somewhere inside the tangle of limbs and knives.  

So, they were running away.  

It was easy for Nathaniel to know inside a court which way the players and the ball were going, and beat them all to deflect the shoot before it reached the goal. Making the same in a small room full of grownups fighting with weapons that Nathaniel knew firsthand what could cause him, was an entirely different mission.  

There was no time to think further about it. One of the Malcolm siblings had spotted Nathaniel and was going directly for him. The boy used his small size to his advantage and scurried away, attempting to reach the trap door leading outside. His mother was making her best to keep the way free for him.  

With trembling hands, Nathaniel was picking the lock of the door. Romero was closer. Something hit the man in the head and made him lunge at Mary. The short breathing room was enough to allow Nathaniel to open the door.  

In a blink, Mary was by his side, grabbed his hand, and got out.  

Nathaniel fell on his face as his hand slipped from his mother’s. There was something hot hot hot burning his legs, his back. Someone was pinning his ankles against the floor, and the door to freedom was shut.  

“ABRAM! ABRAM!”  

There was only a door breaking Nathaniel apart from his mother, but he couldn’t reach it.     

Chapter 2: Year One

What are the words that I'm supposed to say? [...] Through the silence of fireflies

A year had passed since Mary escaped from Baltimore.

A year full of pain, and blood, and screams for Nathaniel.

He was only eleven, but his voice was nearly gone and his eyes carried the infinite hollowness of twelve months being punished endlessly for his mother’s rebellion.  

Now, Nathaniel was having the most wicked kind of déjà vu, traveling along with his father to the same dark stadium he had played last time he saw his mother.

A sudden sliver of something resembling joy attempted to surge inside of Nathaniel. Then, he remembered what Mary had told him before everything went sideways.  

Never stop running, never play    Exy    again.  

The second order had been easy to fulfill; Nathaniel had spent most of his time crying in the torture room he seemed to never get out from. It wasn’t like playing Exy at all. Perhaps for his father and Lola, it brought the same happiness Nathaniel had once felt while holding a racquet in his hands, but there had been definitely not Exy at all.        

As for the first order, it had been impossible to deliver. With two bullets in each leg and another couple on his back, Nathaniel couldn’t have run, even if he tried. Also, he had always one of the Butcher’s men on his heels, whereas it was at the house, or following him at school, making sure he stayed put. As if Nathaniel could run with infected wounds piercing his body. It was hard enough to assure the teachers he was fine.

Today, Nathaniel was expected to play a rematch with Kevin and Riko. He still didn’t understand how. He had a full collection of fresh and old wounds covering him from head to toe. The Butcher’s rage hadn’t had a limit in that year, and their men’s savagery made sure nothing healed properly. But Nathan had been clear: play well or die.

Die  would’ve been Nathaniel’s first option if he only didn’t know how slow and painful it would be. It was that or disobeying his mother’s last command. The last thing she told him before   leaving .  

Nathaniel had never felt so alone.

***

The match against Riko and Kevin was even harder than the last. They were bigger, stronger, faster, and they didn’t seem to have been used as punching bags and knife testers for the past months. It was awful.

The old man’s-they called him Master-cane on Nathaniel’s ribs wasn’t of any help either. Each and every time that Nathaniel fell, unable to keep going with his legs burning after so much time without exercise, the so-called Master would smash Nathaniel to the floor only to force him up and repeat the play again.  

Kevin’s face was shadowed by something like understanding, or petty. Riko was delighted with the show. Nathaniel was only begging for it to end. Go back to Baltimore’s torture. Be finished right there. Whatever. He just wanted it to be over.  

He only kept moving by the wonder of what his mother would be doing at that moment. If she was still alive. If she thought of him. If she would ever come back...

“Are you having fun making me look like a fool, Junior?”

Nathan’s venomous hiss brought Nathaniel back from his mind. They weren’t on the court anymore, but everything was still painted raven black. Nathaniel was pinned against a wall. Air escaping his lungs. He wanted so desperately to hung onto his father’s hands to release the pressure on his throat. He knew what would happen. Last time he almost lost a hand. He held on as best as he could.

“Look at me you useless scumbag. Are you having fun with it?”

“No.” The answer was more like the shape of his lips rather than a sound. He was choking. The little voice left was leaving him for good. Nathaniel already felt the blessing of passing out around the corner. However, he needed to stay awake. Losing consciousness only made it worse in the end. Instead, he focused on the exits around. A habit picked after twelve months wishing so hard he was somewhere else.

“I have failed them twice because of you. Tomorrow will be your last chance. Do you remember that man we taught a lesson to the last time we were here?” Nathaniel nodded as best as he could with the strong hand strangling him. “That will be you tomorrow if you don’t play like you mean it, hear me, Junior?”

Nathan didn’t wait for an answer. He only dropped Nathaniel to the floor and left after kicking him hard in the belly.  

Nathaniel had run out of tears a long ago. He let darkness swallow him in that same spot.

***

Maybe it was late at night. Maybe it was dawn. No one had come to fetch Nathaniel for the next scrimmage on the court.  

He had been thinking about his mother.  

She never wanted him there. He still couldn’t understand why. No one spoke to him. But he was certain that his mother would have her reasons to be so afraid that an escape and a battle against the Butcher’s men had been worth it. Nathaniel was certain they had haunted and ended her that same night. Regardless, there was some stubborn hope that she would come back. But she wouldn’t find him while he was in that black palace.

Nathaniel had thought he couldn’t run anymore. Today had been proof he was only out of practice. He was tired of being afraid. He didn’t want to feel the old man’s cane on his ribs for the rest of his life, or the Burcher’s knives on his skin anymore for that matter.  

He was leaving.

The Butcher had taken the few belongings they brought with him. Nathaniel only had what he was wearing, his bruises, and his willingness to be free. Almost like his mother had.  

Despite the agony bolting through his battered body, Nathaniel managed to stand up from the corner where Nathan had threatened him and reached for the exit. Of course, the door was locked. He hoped the pieces of hard string he picked from his lent racquet would be as effective as the hairpins his mother taught him to use.  

After minutes of struggle, they were.

The red lights of the hallway were disconcerting. Nathaniel was dizzy within only a few steps. The promise of a slow death made him advance. The fury of another hit from a cane fueled his steps. The fear of being used as an object when he could’ve been free beside his mother made his tired feet found the ground beneath to make him run until the exit.

The building was a complicated maze Nathaniel hadn’t understood, but he remembered the way he had come with his father. He retraced the path backward until he could reach the final door.  

The door to freedom.  

This time, no DiMaccio was covering it. There was no Lola or Romero on his heels.  

He pushed the door open and ran for his life. 

Chapter 3: Year Two

For all the things I try to hide? What is my fate, am I supposed to pray?

 As if the handcuffs securing Nathaniel’s hands on the back of the seat and his ankles to the front weren’t enough, Nathan had taken along the Malcolm siblings to watch from behind.  

 The Butcher was not repeating last year’s mistakes.  

 Six months had passed since the last time they went to Evermore and the memory was burning fresh for both  Wesninskis. Especially for Nathaniel.  

 It was either a miracle or a tragic disgrace that the boy was still alive and kicking. But there he was.

Never stop running, never play Exy again.    

 Although the pain had only increased as months went by, Nathaniel had tried his very best to outrun the Butcher and his men over and over. Consequences were always fatal, yet never mortal. Nathaniel discovered there was some kind of business going on between his father and the people behind the  Exy   team he wanted Nathaniel to get in.  

 That business going on was Nathan’s only reason for keeping Nathaniel alive, and denying his father the pleasure of an easy undertaking was the only reason keeping Nathaniel sane. Or as sane as anyone could be living under the  conditions   he had endured the past years. His body had become a patchwork of scars, but he was more convinced than ever that he wasn’t going to turn into his father. Not even with that terrible smirk mocking Lola through the rear-view mirror as she entertained herself making tiny cuts in Nathaniel’s hands.  

 By the time they arrived at the stadium, Nathaniel had already memorized the way in and was paying close attention to every single door in and out despite the stung in his arms and hands. He had gotten used to living with pain, so this wasn’t any harder than a normal day in Baltimore.  

 The court was exactly as Nathaniel remembered. There was only a new addition. A boy around Riko’s age with a 3 marked on the cheek, matching the numbers on the other kids’ faces. Nathaniel didn’t bother learning his name but was sure Riko and his uncle would be dying to put a number on him too.  

 That wasn’t going to happen.  

 Without any ceremonies, the match started. It was three against one. It was unfair.  

 It wasn’t going to happen either.  

 As much as Nathaniel's hands still itched for having a racquet and slam a ball across a court, he had more than enough time to know that his mother had some reason behind her words. And he intended to honor them today. The match started and he didn’t move.  

 The old man’s cane hit hard over and over his ribs, his legs, his arms, his face. Nothing he hadn’t endured before. He received hit after hit after hit without moving, without reaching for his racquet. Without a scream.  

 He felt every single attack while holding Kevin’s astonished gaze, Riko’s mocking laughter, and the other kid’s pure fear. Nathaniel didn’t move until his body went limp on the floor and everything turned black.  

 ***  

 The year before, Nathaniel’s mistake had been running without a plan.  

 He had a purpose, he had a goal, but he had no way to accomplish it with only a few scraps of strings to open doors.  

 Nathaniel had been able to escape out of pure luck, but once outside, he didn’t know the surroundings. He didn’t know where to go. It had been only a matter of time for Nathan to find him and drag him back in the car, and then back to Baltimore in between  cursings   and hits that made Nathaniel think it was a good idea to jump out of the moving car in the middle of the highway. It was      painful    .  

 This time, Nathaniel had found enough time in between punishments and the butchering  lessons   he despised, to research the place.  

 He knew the campus of Edgar Allan University like he knew the feel of knives on his skin. So, when he woke up from the beating, he was ready for everything.  

 Nathaniel had been tucked in the same rooms as the boys. They seemed asleep. It was harder than he thought to get on his feet in silence. He crept to the door and took out a couple hairpins from his mother that he had found casually around the house months ago. He wasn’t using racquet strings unless it was necessary.  

 “Where do you think you are going?” Riko was standing behind Nathaniel. Hands clenched in fists ready for a fight.  

 “Far from your ugly face.” Kevin and the other boy flinched at Nathaniel’s bravado.  

 “You  mustn't   talk like that to your king.”  

 “Didn’t know shit was royalty now. I’ll bow next time I go to the loo.”  

 The knock against the wall was harder than Nathaniel expected. It still wasn’t enough to erase his father’s deathly smile from his face. Riko was boiling in anger. Nathaniel waited until the last second to avoid the  fist   coming his way and pushed Riko against the railing of a bed.  

 The other boys were frozen at Nathaniel’s display of disrespect.  

 He wasn’t a good fighter. He was used to be the victim among adults, but he had a rage building from the years since his mother left him and he was convinced of running away this time. Even so that he had a knife hidden on the back of his pants despite how much he hated them.  

 Riko recovered quickly from the impact, but Nathaniel didn’t hesitate to slash whatever he could reach of the older boy, and a breath after he heard a heavy string of cursing directed to him, Nathaniel sped through the hallway on his way out. He dodged people attempting to grab him. He had become fast during his last six months trying to escape. He used the stolen knife more than he would’ve wanted, but it was that or being back to Baltimore in pieces.  

 Once outside the Nest, Nathaniel didn’t reach for the highway. Instead, he kept racing through the Edgar Allan campus. It was gigantic. Filled with students coming and going from classes. They glanced strangely at him as he made his way through hallways and  buildings   he had only half-memorized through battered maps found at school and his father’s study.  

 It could’ve been a good fifteen minutes of running without a stop when Nathaniel finally found a public phone hidden enough from the stream of people. He took the few pennies he could get in those months and dialed the only phone number he knew by heart.  

 “Uncle Stuart? I need help.”  

All comments, thoughts, hearts and shares are very much appreciated :D

[eponinemylove]

aftg tattoo/flower shop au

@essence-29

so it’s wymack’s parlor and he still technically runs it and everything but he’s tired most of the time and he lets kevin pretty much take over

kevin has almost no tattoos himself except one he got that he deeply regrets (in my mind it’s bc riko was his piece of shit ex boyf and pretty much made him get it, but however u want to imagine the backstory of this tattoo is up to you)

anyway he runs the shop with his dad. matt, renee, and seth all work there

andrew runs the flower shop around the corner (managed by betsy). he could not give less of a damn about the parlor tbh. he barely noticed it existed

he’s more of a piercings guy anyway but it’s not like he’s against tattoos

at least, he didn’t care about the parlor until him and renee became friends

i imagine they met at the flower shop when she came in and ordered some for allison. maybe they started seeing each other around more and more, and you know how andrew makes friends. he probably followed her to work one day and they went from there.

either way they’re besties and they work on the same block. so andrew goes in and out of the tattoo parlor fairly often to pick up renee or have lunch.

him and kevin obviously run into each other at some point, probably more often than not

at first they ignored each other’s presence but then andrew started to notice kevin

tattoo artist without (many) tattoos? interesting. he won’t talk about the tattoo he does have? very interesting. he flinched when someone dropped a glass of something and it shattered? now you have his attention

and of course kevin can’t help but notice the hot, 5-foot-nothing guy who comes in at least once a week to harass his patrons and distract his employees

both of which are definitely crimes andrew commits regularly around the parlor

andrew invites kevin out for drinks one night after they’ve been noticing each other for a while. it’s not flirtatious or romantic, but it does feel... weighted. kevin goes. renee and the others are there too, vaguely, but he still manages to end up spending most of the night alone with andrew

they talk. a lot. it’s really slow going because neither one of them particularly feels like talking, but they do. or they come to a mutual understanding at least

they have a weird relationship after that that none of kevin’s friends or andrews relatives can even pretend to understand, but you know what? whatever. they’re KevinAndAndrew

i don’t want to say they’re attached at the hip, but they totally are. anywhere kevin is, andrew follows, especially if kevin is drinking. and they’re not even nice to each other. that’s the confusing part for the others. just looking at them, you wouldn’t even think they were friends, much less maybe-kind of-dating?

so this goes on for a couple of months, and just when everyone thinks they’re getting used to it, neil comes in

literally no one was ready for him. he shows up at the tattoo parlor one day and just applies for a job. no resume, no interview. straight up walks up to the front desk and asks for a job

kevin wants to throw him on his ass but matt says the least they could do was interview the guy

(neil probably looks all kinds of a mess. not like insane or dirty, but just generally disheveled and exhausted and... neil. he looks like neil)

kevin still thinks this is a waste of time, but he lets neil show him what he’s got

no one was expecting neil, but they definitely weren’t expecting him to be so goddamn good

it’s hard to tell if he’s a natural or has actually had years of hardwork and practice, but he’s an amazing artist and he knows his way around a needle

so they hire him.

matt becomes quick friends with neil. seth and neil don’t get along, per se, but they’re almost the exact same brand of asshole so there is a sort of solidarity between them

renee obviously is nothing if not entirely pleasant to neil, but he still has issues trusting her

and kevin? well kevin kind of hates his newest hire

he complains to andrew about him nonstop. about how he’s stupidly talented and a complete bastard and gets along with people but in a chaotic sort of way that makes kevin anxious and annoyed and

kevin has a lot to say and andrew is more than inclined to listen

it’s a surprise to no one when andrew is in the parlor the next day, scoping out neil for himself

oh, and i should mention that neil has literally NO tattoos. not even one. (his mother would never allow something so easily recognizable)

neil barely notices andrew until he confronts him after his shift. i don’t know what he would say, but it would go pretty much like how their meeting went in the books, just probably without the racquet

a fight immediately breaks out that matt and kevin have to break up. renee knows better

yeah neil and andrew don’t get along

andrew is very interested though. so he does what andrew always does. he gets nosy. and personal. and mean

it takes him a surprisingly long time to find any information on neil. he thinks it might be a fake name and kevin assures him that it’s definitely likely, which helps exactly none.

eventually the only thing he manages to gather is that neil has one hell of a temper and could start a fight in an empty room. he also won’t take any shit from anyone, whether it’s from andrew or some random Karen screaming at one of his coworkers for giving her daughter a tattoo she didn’t approve of. he can and will tear someone to shreds, and as much as kevin hates it (“Neil that’s bad for business, you can’t verbally abuse the clients”), andrew is very amused

kevin secretly also really likes neil. it’s hard not to—he says everything kevin wouldn’t dream of and sees through all of kevin’s bullshit. also he’s ridiculously hot and incredibly good at his job, and there’s nothing kevin appreciates more than talent and competence

after, idk, a month? of getting nowhere to unraveling neil’s past, andrew invites him for drinks.

kevin is there of course and pre-approved the decision. matt comes along bc he doesn’t trust andrew in the slightest and he loves neil. renee is there to make sure no one actually gets murdered. seth just shows up bc he thinks something funny might happen, like another fight

not strictly relevant, but allison, dan, and nicky working at the bar/club they frequent??? a Concept.

andrew and kevin are both pretty surprised to find out that neil doesn’t drink. they try and “convince” him otherwise, but neil refuses and short of drugging him, there’s not really anything they can do

nothing really happens the first couple of hours. nicky flirts with neil a couple of times, neil doesn’t notice, the usual. things take a turn when neil spots kevin’s tattoo. other than that, the night was a bust

since this is an au, idgaf what’s in their past. reader interpretation, use ur imagination, go crazy. however, whatever kevin was involved with, neil was somehow tangled up in too. that part stays the same

he doesn’t mention it

he doesn’t mention it

he doesn’t mention it

and then, of course, he mentions it

it’s not on purpose or in anyway eloquent. they probably get into some sort of fight while closing up and it just slips out

there’s a moment of “oh shit”, the complete understanding that passes through the two of them

they don’t mention it

except they do, because andrew finds out

he and neil have a another “talk” bc yeah andrew might run the flower shop, but if neil brings trouble from kevin’s past back to him now, when he’s doing so much better, andrew can and will actually commit homicide

and that’s the start of their relationship!

well, no, not really. neil still takes a while to warm up to them, and a while longer to start feeling any sort of romantic attraction to them. and of course that’s after he realizes they’re even a couple, because trust me, with those two is always questionable whether or not they’re even friends. or acquaintances. or on speaking terms

also they have to eventually talk about everything. set boundaries, clear the air. neil gives them piece by piece looks into his past. it’s slow work, but it’s a little bit of trust given by someone who has never trusted anyone before.

yeah so anyways everyone thought KevinAndAndrew was confusing? well they don’t know what the fuck is going on with KevinAndAndrewAndNeil

what they do know is that kevin and neil do some of the best tattoos in the country. what they do know is that andrew and neil take smoke breaks together in the back alley, halfway between their two shops. what they do know is that andrew and kevin have adopted neil into their relationship and the three of them are so close-knit, it almost becomes impossible to find one away from the others at any given moment

what they do know is that at least twice a week, the short, blond, very scary flower-shop guy walks into a tattoo parlor and a 6-foot tall intimidating tattoo artist and 5’3 ginger with a sharp tongue and sharper attitude immediately stop what they’re doing and go meet him

that’s pretty much it. scary blonde who sells roses for a living falls for scary tattoo artist who doesn’t seem to believe in tattoos. both these idiots then fall for the (not at first glance) scary new guy who is obviously trouble, because this is a tatto/flower shop au, and everyone loves the broken badass with a heart of gold.

there’s something to be said here about the most intimidating and kick-ass power couple (throuple?) ever

also it’s funny bc based on appearances alone, everyone expects neil to run the flower shop, and kevin and andrew to do tattoos. boy are they in for a surprise though, because andrew knows every single flower you could ever think of sticking in a bouquet, and neil could operate a tattoo gun blindfolded

ALSO they all get matching tattoos at some point bc they’re idiots and in love and it probably has a whole crap ton of heartfelt meaning that i don’t want to explain bc i feel like i’ve rambled forever at this point and still said nothing significant

oh and neil 100% gives kevin a coverup, replacing his old tattoo with something else.

there’s all kinds of plants decorating the parlor courtesy of andrews shop, and neil and kevin design andrew’s logo

and betsy makes everyone flower crowns at some point. andrew refuses to acknowledge it i’m any way, but dutifully wears it regardless. neil wears it to work the entire day, and after hangs it in his office-thing. whatever tattoo parlors have. kevin straight up refuses to wear it but neil wears him down and he puts it on for like 20 minutes. there’s even pictures to prove it

[gluupor]

oh my god your harry potter au!!!! would you ever consider expanding it? I love your writing so much and tge way you adapted it to the hp universe? so brilliant!!

Part 1 can be found here

Neil tripped through the hallways, tightly clutching the Sorting Hat. The stupid thing had gotten him into this mess by putting him directly in Kevin’s path and it was going to get him out of it. He needed to get it to Matt or Dan. To a true Gryffindor who could pull Gryffindor’s sword out of it so Kevin could destroy the final two horcruxes. Not that they knew what the final horcrux was, although Neil had a suspicion that made him feel vaguely ill. That couldn’t have been what Lola meant when she’d said it was in ‘the boy’ could it?

She’d been gloating, calling him stupid and weak, crowing how they’d never defeat the Dark Lord because his life was tied to the boy’s, and they could never kill the boy. Admittedly, his mind had been a little hazy at the time from all the crucios. She’d been carving into his arms with a cursed blade and not minding her words at all, believing that he’d be dead before long.

Besides, what did she know? She and Neil’s father had been Death Eaters, but they weren’t important enough to be in the Dark Lord’s confidence. They were only his American attack dogs.

The battle was raging around him. He’d only been at Hogwarts for two years before spending the past year with Kevin and Andrew hunting horcruxes, but it had become his home in that time. The sight of intruders in the castle filled him with rage that helped power his spells.

No unforgivables, of course. Kevin was adamant about that. But as much as he hated his father he’d learned from him that a lot of damage could be done with a well-placed slicing hex.

He and Kevin had been separated before Neil had reached the headmaster’s office. He hoped Kevin was okay, that he’d found Andrew and had someone watching his back. With luck, he’d made it to their agreed upon rendezvous point.

“Crucio!” The spell hit him as he rounded a corner, catching him off guard.

He fell back, screaming, as his bones seemed to catch fire. As many times as he’d been hit with this spell—and it was a lot; Lola had been a big fan—he never built up any tolerance to it. He’d heard that people could lose their minds if kept under the spell for too long; he wondered if they stopped feeling pain at the end.

The pain abruptly ceased. Neil panted, willing himself to get up and fight back. He’d dropped his wand; he needed to find it. He cracked open his eyes and found himself looking up into gleeful face of Riko Moriyama, his expression full of madness and triumph.

“Where are you going with that ratty old hat, Nathaniel?” sneered Riko. “On the way back to your hero?” The hatred that coloured the word hero was intense. Riko had always been violently jealous of Kevin’s status as the Chosen One. “He’s nothing, nobody!”

“At least he’s not the pathetic servant of a dark wizard,” said Neil.

“You know nothing,” spat Riko before hitting him with another crucio. This one seemed to last longer; he wasn’t sure how much more he could take.

When it ended, he was coughing up blood, which couldn’t be a good sign.

Riko came closer, his eyes alight with malicious joy. He kicked the Sorting Hat away from Neil’s questing fingers.

“Are you scared to die, Nathaniel?” cooed Riko. “Are you worried no one will care?”

Neil ignored him, looking past him to where Jean was standing, cowering and looking nauseated. He was even more diminished than when they’d last seen each other: when Neil, Kevin, and Andrew had been briefly captured and brought to the Moreau family estate by the Butcher’s Men. They’d barely escaped with their lives.

“Take the Hat to Kevin,” Neil rasped, locking eyes with Jean. “You said you owed him.”

Jean’s face was pained as Riko turned to him, sneering. “You’re my dog, not Kevin’s,” he said. “Stay.”

Jean’s eyes flashed but Neil barely noticed, his attention stolen by yet another crucio. This was it, he realized. His end. He’d known he was living on borrowed time since he’d escaped Lola and his father; he’d never expected to live this long. His only regret was that he hadn’t be able to say goodbye.

Sorry, Andrew.

The pain stopped unexpectedly. Neil gazed up at Riko blearily, not daring to hope—

“It’s not as fun when you don’t scream,” said Riko, offhand. “I guess you’re finished with our game.” He raised his wand again. “Avada—”

He was cut off by a sword stabbing through his chest. He looked down, confused as the bloody metal pushed through his sternum. A scream tore through his throat as his skin blackened, looking burned. Neil watched in fascinated amazement as Riko disintegrated into ash, nothing left behind except for an anguished cry from outside the castle. The eerie sound seemed to hang in the air.

Jean stared in horror, his mouth hanging open as he looked at his shaking hands as if he couldn’t believe they belonged to him. His eyes widened as he caught the script on the hilt of the sword: Godric Gryffindor.

Neil scrambled for his wand and tried to stand, before his shaking legs buckled beneath him. “Seems you were sorted wrong,” he rasped, his voice coming out sounding like gravel after screaming for so long. Only a true Gryffindor could pull that sword from the Hat.

Jean’s head snapped up. “I asked—” he said, his own voice hoarse. He licked his lips and tried again, nodding to the Sorting Hat that was crumpled in a heap by his feet. “It said I would make a fine Gryffindor. I told it I would be disowned if I was anything but a Slytherin. We argued.”

“At least it let you have what you wanted,” complained Neil, scooping the offending object off the floor. “I wanted to be a nobody Ravenclaw and look where I ended up.” The Hat seemed to smirk at him, Where you belong.

He tried to stand again; this time Jean shook himself out of his stupor to help him. “We have to get the sword to Kevin. He needs to destroy the last horcrux.” He shook his head at the pile of ash that had once been Riko. “I can’t believe Riko was a horcrux. It explains his personality, but honestly, did Lola really think I would hesitate to kill him?”

Jean didn’t answer, still too much in shock by what he’d done.

“Snap out of it,” said Neil, poking his arm.

“He had—” Jean cleared his throat. “Riko had magical protections provided by the Dark Lord. I shouldn’t have been able to—” he broke off again and stared at the sword. “It should have bounced off the protections.”

“Basilisk venom courtesy of Kevin’s second year adventure,” said Neil sagely. He hadn’t been around for that, but he’d heard about it straight from the source.

“He was supposed to stay out of the battle,” said Jean, again looking at the pile of Riko ash. “But he claimed he was invincible and he really wanted to hurt you and Kevin.”

“Speaking of Kevin…” Neil staggered as every single one of his muscles protested his movement, aching like—well, aching like he’d been tortured. Jean was unsteady on his feet as well—due to shock, not injury—and the two of them supported each other as they lurched toward the Great Hall.

Neil couldn’t help but notice that the fighting had tapered off during his confrontation with Riko. The halls of Hogwarts were almost empty, free of anything except rubble. He hoped they weren’t too late, that this break in the fighting didn’t spell failure.

There was a hushed silence hanging over the Great Hall, pregnant with grief and shock. Neil’s entrance caused a reaction, little sounds of surprise coming from those closest to him and radiating outwards. He supposed he could understand: he was looking worse for wear, spattered in Riko’s blood, and leaning heavily on a known Death Eater who was carrying Gryffindor’s blood-soaked sword. It would have been stranger if people weren’t staring at him.

Neil glanced around desperately, scanning the faces for the one he wanted to see. It was easy to find Kevin at the centre of the room. He was holding his jaw as if he’d been punched (which was strange; as a rule, Death Eaters didn’t use Muggle fighting techniques) and Neil relaxed when he caught sight of the expected blond head at his side.

The ripple caused by Neil and Jean reached him just as Neil caught sight of him. Andrew turned sharply, his face set and hard.

Neil was hit by a sinking feeling; he turned to survey the rest of the room. There were only a couple of people whose deaths could make Andrew look like that. But, no, Aaron was with Katelyn, helping the matron administer healing potions to the wounded, and Nicky was wrapped up in the arms of his Durmstrang boyfriend, Erik. Neil also caught sight of Renee, Dan, and Matt. Jeremy and Allison were also alive, although Allison was weeping bitterly over what appeared to be Seth’s body.

Neil turned back to Andrew, finding him within arm’s reach.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Why are you upset?”

“Idiot,” said Andrew harshly, fisting a hand in the front of Neil’s robes and dragging him into a kiss in front of everybody. It was a hard and desperate kiss, full of teeth, but Andrew’s hands were strangely gentle as they roamed Neil’s body, being careful of aggravating his injuries. Neil petted his shoulders carefully to reassure him.

“Where are you hurt?” asked Andrew, pulling back.

“I’m fine,” said Neil. Andrew’s eyes flashed, so he quickly corrected himself, “I took a couple crucios but the blood is Riko’s.”

Andrew flicked his eyes to Jean and the sword he was still gripping. “Found your spine, Moreau?” he asked blandly, before focusing on Neil again. “I thought you were dead.” His voice was flat and emotionless but he’d already showed his hand.

Neil took a step closer. “I didn’t think our first kiss would be with everyone looking on,” he said.

“Then you shouldn’t have disappeared during a battle.”

“Riko was the horcrux,” Neil whispered. “We can win. We can have a future.”

Andrew’s eyes were bright and shining and full of promise. “Then let’s get that sword to Kevin and finish this.”

[darkblueboxs]

Fic Update - The Sphynx and the Hare

Chapter 7: We Keep Running available on AO3

(Chapter 1: Tastes Like Damnation available here although chapter 7 also works as a standalone)

-

There’s a lot Neil doesn’t remember about his childhood, memories growing heavy with the merciful fog of time and trauma. It’s probably for the best; the memories he does have are unpleasant enough that he doesn’t mourn those he lost.

The day he met Kevin and Riko in the nest is, unfortunately, one of the clearest. Riko’s daemon had settled already, a proud rush of black swooping and diving over their heads while they played. Rikka had taken her final form several years prior, absurdly early by anyone’s standards.

Even at such a young age, Kevin and Riko were already the prodigal sons of the Exy world. News sites seized on news of Rikka’s settlement with fanatic adoration. Words like “fate” and “destiny” followed Riko through the headlines as the Exy world basked in the perfect synchronicity of the raven daemon and the raven team. It was treated as a confirmation of what the trashier networks had been touting since Riko had been old enough to hold his first stick; that Riko was born to lead the ravens. His daemon settling in raven form was as good as placing the crown on his head.

Rikka’s perfect form was another burning point of jealousy that had led Neil to follow Riko and Kevin’s progress so religiously in the years which followed. Through dumb luck or a force beyond understanding, Riko’s daemon had taken the perfect form for him, or at the very least a form that appeared as such to the outside world.

Neil hadn’t spent much time considering what form Fìrinn would settle in until it happened. He had known on an academic level that it was coming – his mother had explained in loose and discouraging terms that it was part of growing up, an indicator of the type of person you were growing into. She had also told him in no uncertain terms how much more difficult it would be to be on the run once Fìrinn settled. It was easier when Fìrinn could flit and shift between forms at a moment’s notice to blend in or hide as the situation called for it. In public she could be anything from a mouse to a moth to a chameleon, zipping over their heads as a bird or insect to scout for danger or avoid a fight. Most importantly of all, it was harder for his father’s men to hunt them without a consistent description of Neil’s daemon to follow.

Despite his best and wasted efforts, Neil’s daemon had settled a matter of months after their departure from Baltimore.

Neil had expected something small and slippery; a ferret, a mouse, a beetle. The kind of animal Fìrinn shifted into reflexively whenever the slam of the front door announced his father’s return home. When his father’s greyhound lunged for her, she usually changed into something a bit more durable or prickly, anything from a turtle to a hedgehog. Like it ever made a difference. Neil was always better at running than he was at fighting.

A hare shouldn’t have come as a surprise. He swallowed his disappointment while his mother did her best to hide her frustration and fear, knowing that he was the cause of it but just as incapable of controlling it. Just the same as every other problem in Mary Hatford’s life, Neil’s existence was at the heart of it.    

He remembers the moment of Fìrinn’s settling as clearly as he remembers the events which preceded it. A close call with one of his father’s men – too close – had left them driving through the early hours of the morning in a stolen convertible with the roof blown off (beggars couldn’t be choosers) with the scent of drying blood burning Neil’s nose off in the backseat.

He wasn’t sure how many state lines they had crossed, what day it was, or even who’s blood was staining his torso black.

He had been sleeping, or drifting, somewhere half a pint of blood shy of comatose for… hours, or days, or something. The last thing he remembered was two black cars pulling up to the gas station, his mother pulling him from the store with nails cutting into his forearm. No, the last thing he remembered was the sleek, silent movement as the man and the woman pulled guns from their holsters, and the explosion of pain just below his collarbone as a bullet tore through an inch shy of his Kevlar vest. No, the last thing he remembered, as his mother dragged them to the car, Fìrinn a hummingbird flailing in his hand, her wings fluttering to the pace of his heart, was how she turned, gun raised, and shot Neil’s assailant right between the eyes.

The gunshot screeched in Neil’s ears, his hearing knocked to pieces by the proximity.

The trickle of blood reached as far as the tip of the woman’s nose before she fell to her knees. The woman’s daemon, a hawk diving for Neil with yellow claws glinting inches from his head, burst into a shower of glimmering dust which rained down upon him.

The trickle of blood drawing a perfectly straight line down the woman’s nose is the last thing he remembered with clarity. It was followed by a dark jumble of shouting, tyres screeching, a distant clap of more gunfire.

Then he was coming to in the backseat of an unfamiliar car, new clothes already stained where the blood had soaked through his bandages. Legs twitching with the memory of his mother’s scream, run, Chris, run.

Fìrinn came too at the same moment, a dormouse quivering in the palm of his hands.

“Mum,” Neil had grunted.

Her mother didn’t take her eyes off the road but reached behind her, grabbing Neil’s outstretched hand and squeezing it. Probably to reassure herself more than him. Her viper daemon poked his head out of the hem of her sleeve, casting an evaluating eye over Neil’s injuries before sliding out of sight once more.

“Did you…” Neil stuttered, coughed. He could taste blood on his tongue, his lips, down his throat. It felt like he was full of it, choking his lungs. He remembered the woman’s daemon bursting into nothing above him and shivered. His clothes were different, but he imagined he could feel the dust still clinging to him. “You killed them.”

“They were going to kill us,” his mother replied sharply. She withdrew her hand. “You have to get used to it, Neil.”

Her viper appeared again a few minutes later, slipping over the edge of his mother’s collar to fix him with a piercing gaze. His eyes were dark green, same as his mother’s, his pupils thin slits.

“This isn’t a game,” Mairidh hissed with startling ferocity. “This is our lives, and we have to do what it takes to survive. This doesn’t end, because the moment it does, we’re dead. Understand? We keep moving, we keep running, we live.”

“I understand,” Neil said. He took a deep breath and forced the shaking from his hands. “We keep running.”

When he next awoke from a nightmare plagued with blood and bodies and daemons turning to dust, Fìrinn was a hare. Mousy brown hair – the same colour he had dyed his own three weeks prior – darker brown eyes constantly blinking, scanning for predators from every direction. Strong, quick legs. Born from fear and perfect for running.

Neil had known from the moment he saw her that she would not change again. The knowledge was like a weight encasing his chest. He looked into Fìrinn’s eyes and saw his entire future mapped out for him. Everything he was and everything he would be.

Kevin’s daemon had been settled too, when they first met back in Evermore, had been settled since Kayleigh Day’s death. Neil thinks of the similarities between Caith and Fìrinn in an idle moment as he’s adding another secreted clipping to his binder. Settling in the aftermath of death. It made sense, in some ways; the confrontation with the violent and unpredictable nature of mortality had been for them the final push from childhood to adolescence.

Fìrinn’s final form bears witness to that. She’s built to run, because running is survival. Kevin’s Doberman is the opposite; built for loyalty and persistence. Loyalty to his mother, the people who took him in after her death. Loyal to her dream for him. Ready to labour day after day to achieve it. Neil’s sure from everything he’s learned about the Moriyamas that they would have preferred Kevin’s daemon to be a raven too, or a bird at the very least, in line with the motif Riko and Edgar Allan present to the world. A Doberman would have been the next best thing – loyalty easily twisted in their favour, hardworking to the point of self-destruction, a speedy yet forceful presence on court. The second-best form for the second-best player.

Then there’s Riko’s perfect raven. Neil is living proof that one cannot choose their daemon’s form, but he wonders if the expectations placed on Riko’s head from such a young age did the trick for him, warped his soul into the shape everyone expected of him. Trapped him forever under the heavy expectations that crushed his childhood before it had time to begin.

Neil might have been sympathetic if he didn’t know what he does now.

On the court, Caith runs with her weight shifted to her right, her front left paw noticeably weaker than the rest. Neil had assumed it was psychosomatic, a sympathy pain echoing the injury of her human’s hand. Now Neil wonders if Riko hadn’t stopped at Kevin’s hand.

Riko’s daemon hasn’t changed since the day of their fateful game. She perches on the back of Kathy’s sofa, claws digging into the expensive creamy leather in excitement as her human follows her onto the stage.

Riko Moriyama takes his place at his daemon’s side, and the crowd erupts. 

-

Thanks for reading, let me know what you think! 

Fìrinn: Scottish Gaelic, meaning truth.

Caith: Irish, meaning battle.

Rikka: Japanese, meaning ruler.

[wulfrann]

Andreil Contemporary Dance AU Because I Can

I don't know what this is. Call it a bullet-point fic, a ficlet, a one-shot, but the point is - the thought of a Contemporary Dance AU wouldn't leave my mind, so I wrote it down and here you go.

It's messy and barely edited and very self-indulging, but maybe this can be my Happy New Year contribution to the fandom.

- Palmetto's Foxes is a dance school known as an eclectic, unsynchronized, bastard group that mixes various types of dancing into contemporary with various levels of success. Kevin is appalled at first and convinced that they need to stick to one genre, but then he realizes that it could actually work, maybe, as long as they reinforce the contemporary elements to make it a real basis for all the other stuff that they add to it. Also they need to work on their group dancing, because solo/duet stuff is great but they're a team too so they need to start acting like it.

*

- Dan knows how to pole dance. She does it once during a solo performance and it's the most majestic thing ever. Matt can't stop talking about it for months. (and no one can really blame him)

- Renee can breakdance. I will fight you on that.

- Allison used to do ballet at a high level when she was still living with her parents. It got her into a fucked up mindset that nearly broke her, but she's slowly learning to appreciate it again for what it is, and not the memories it is tied to. (Renee helps. with that. because I'm weak.)

- I feel like Nicky would know some ballroom dancing? He would have gotten into it in Germany with Erik because it is a Thing there to have ballroom dance classes when you can afford it (sources are my German teacher who's German). He's petrified with fear the first few times and only dances with girls (there are more of them than guys anyway), but after getting with Erik and starting to be at peace with himself they start practicing together. Nicky can't help but cry a little the first time, because this is real and Erik is real and he's dancing with a boy and that boy is smiling at him like nothing else around them matters, and it's all a little too much to take in. But he does, eventually.

*

- The Ravens are this super elite, very competitive dance club with. "disputable" methods. They do a lot of group dancing where everyone is doing exactly the same movement, with Riko as their only lead dancer. Kevin was his go-to partner for duets before he left. Then it was Jean, and then no one because he sucks.

- Riko broke Kevin's right foot, not hand. He has to adapt his dancing not to put too much weight or strain on it, which takes a lot to hide.

*

- When Jean joins the Trojans, he's completely unable to dance duets or any kind of non-group dancing. His feet are in the worst shape and he's got bruises all over.

- So Jeremy takes it upon himself to make Jean fall in love with dancing all over again and to Jeremy, that means reminding him that dancing can be fun, too. Which means Jeremy giving Jean improv dancing and ballroom dancing lessons in private, just the two of them.

- It works, of course.

- Except Jean doesn't fall in love with just dancing, and Jeremy gets caught in his own trap because a carefree Jean might actually be the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

*

- Neil mostly did ballet as a kid because that's what the Ravens have the children do (teaches discipline and all the basics, according to them, which isn't entirely false from my understanding).

- When he was running with Mary, he used to stare at any kind of dancing whenever he thought she wasn't looking. Not long after her death he's squatting in this house, right, and there's a small dance club two blocks away. Neil tries, he really tries not to give in - but it's a Monday night, or maybe it's a Tuesday, he hasn't been keeping track - he's out of food and hasn't slept in days, because the nightmares are worse than the frantic beating of his heart against his skull and the shaking, incontrollable, that makes any lock picking last minutes he can't afford. The sun is setting behind the suburban buildings as he walks past the dance club, and maybe the light catches on the picture window, maybe there's music filtering out the cracked-open door, or maybe Neil's feet are too heavy to keep going past the building and into the empty, cold house.

- Neil stops.

- He stops, and stares right through the window.

- He doesn't know what kind of dancing it is, doesn't remember anything about it except the focus, suddenly, the sense of purpose and here and this is what living looks like, and his heart in his chest. Beating.

- Neil picks his way into the house within seconds that night, and sleeps.

- In the morning he's gone.

- His mother would beat him up if she saw him taking dance lessons again. But his mother is dead, and dancing is the only thing driving Neil to make sure he isn't.

*

- When Wymack and Kevin show up after his contemporary dance class, Neil makes a run for it and gets punched in the stomach by a small blond guy, because of course Andrew Minyard came with.

- Both his parents' imprint in his flesh isn't enough to make Neil disappear this time.

*

- When Neil trains with Kevin at night they mostly do ballet, though Kevin makes sure that whatever they do doesn't interfere with regular training.

*

Andrew always dances alone, and Neil doesn't understand why.

His posture is good, and somehow melts into the movements without ever going soft. It's like watching a stream boil down the mountain's flank, except the stream is 5 feet tall and makes the mountain look pliable.

Every time he looks at him, Neil wonders what it must be like to dance with someone as steady and centered as Andrew. Wonders what it must be like to be centered.

Then he snaps out of it and pulls his mind back to practice.

*

"Why do you always dance alone?"

Andrew blows the smoke out of his mouth and studies Neil's face through the wisps.

"Why are you always in the back?"

"I asked first."

"And I asked second. Afraid you might trip?"

Neil crosses his arms. "I don't trip."

"So you're afraid to stand out."

It's not a question, so Neil doesn't answer. "Why do you only dance alone?"

Andrew takes another drag out of his cigarette, then lets it drop to the ground and steps on it.

"I don't do teamwork well," he says, and then goes back inside.

*

Kevin asks Neil to do a duet with him at some point during the regionals. They've been practicing together for a while now and although they clash a lot, Kevin and Wymack think there's potential there. Neil panics and says no. When Kevin starts pressing the matter, Andrew interrupts.

"Drop it, Kevin. Rabbits only know how to dance when they're running."

Kevin storms out, and Neil stares at Andrew with clenched teeth.

"I'm not running."

"Could have fooled me."

*

- Neil agrees to do the duet with Kevin, but only if they practice it during their night sessions for now.

- "If we can't make it work with the group, there's no point doing it."

- "Take it or leave it. We don't even know if we can sync together. If it works, we'll take it to the rest of the group."

- It's a disaster, of course. Neil has never done duet work since he was a child, and his approach to dancing clashes with Kevin's.

*

"I can't dance with him."

Neil and Andrew are on the rooftop, the smell of tobacco and ash floating up lazily to the stars hidden by the city lights. A red glow cuts out Andrew's features against the night, his silhouette a mere shadow but for his face.

"I thought you were done running," Andrew says, blowing out smoke.

"I am."

"Then act like it."

Neil lets his eyes wander to where Andrew's hand is tapping his cigarette against the edge of the rooftop, cinder flakes falling down like snow, weightless and bright. Stretching beneath them the city sleeps, a quiet map of lights.

"Help me practice."

The sound of his own voice surprises him. The silence that follows is filled with it.

Andrew turns a blank stare to Neil.

"I don't mean the choreography," Neil says, slowly forcing out the words. "Help me practice dancing with someone."

A beat.

"I only dance alone."

"I'm no one, aren't I? You said so yourself."

Andrew flicks the remainder of his cigarette into the darkness and leaves. Neil watches it fall down until Andrew's footsteps down the stairs stop echoing through the night.

*

It's not until three days have passed and Neil is this close to giving up on the duet that Andrew gives him an answer.

It comes in the form of a small stereo sitting on the rooftop, music winding from its speaker and escaping from the roof like smoke, slow and flimsy.

The first time isn't really dancing. Mostly they just stare, feet solidly planted into the ground. Then Neil closes his eyes, and Andrew takes a step forward. He takes a hold of Neil's wrists and brings them to his shoulders, then puts his hands on Neil's waist. They stay like this until the end of the song.

The second time they start shuffling along with the music.

The third time Andrew tells Neil to open his eyes. They swing, slightly, and Andrew's face is more blank than ever. Neil takes it as a victory none the less.

The fourth time, Neil asks if he can try something and takes Andrew's right hand in his. Andrew lets him.

The sixth time, Neil figures out a few steps - and smiles when Andrew goes along with them. They're awkward, barely in rhythm parodies of the dancing Neil has been watching with increasing frequency on his free time, but they start to settle into it after the third try.

After that, Neil keeps testing out steps, trying to place them on the music, and repeating them for as long as Andrew will let him. Sometimes they only go through it once, sometimes four, and sometimes Andrew stops before the end of the song. But he always comes back.

*

By the time Neil feels sort of comfortable dancing with Andrew, dancing with Kevin starts getting bearable - sometimes even rewarding. Neil stops trying to put as much distance between them as he can, and he starts enjoying the movements, too. Kevin is nothing if not meticulous, but he makes it look effortless, and the choreaography reflects that. It's a rapid, wild dance, with a lot of back and forth that gets suspended, for a split second, then starts again, changing forms. Kevin calls it a tide, once, and Neil starts to feel the waves in the music and the wind carrying salt across the pale wooden floor.

Kevin gives him a twelve-hour notice for their first group practice. Neil barely sleeps.

He doesn't know what, exactly, makes his body stiffen as soon as he walks into the room, but the whole thing is a disaster. Kevin makes him run laps, which he does enough of that the burning in his muscles is the only thing he can think about.

It goes about as well the next day, so Kevin cancels their night practice so he can get his thoughts together.

"If you can't give it your whole tomorrow, don't bother showing up."

Neil goes for a run. When he comes back, Andrew is waiting for him outside the building. They walk up to the roof without a word and start dancing, simply repeating the movements that Neil put together over time. The music, slow and familiar, wraps itself around them like a stream, and Neil is content just to let himself be carried. He loses the tension in his muscles, in his chest, lets the current wash it off into the night.

Then Andrew does something new - and Neil has to pull his focus back to follow, to stare, as well, to fall back into the regular steps as he studies Andrew's face, unmoving and unmoved, bored but for the the slightest hitch pulling at the corner of his mouth and his hold, steady, focused - open.

Neil debates saying something, but closes his mouth to smile instead.

"What?" Andrew asks, voice flat. Neil focuses on the music, adds a step without leaving Andrew's eyes.

"Nothing."

*

- The group practice with Kevin isn't perfect the next day, but it flows. Kevin makes him work even harder that night, "to make up for the time you wasted". Neil doesn't complain.

- They dance the duet for the regionals. It just about closes the whole performance, and Neil leaves the stage feeling like his chest will either collapse or burst out. It's not an unpleasant feeling.

Andrew's hand brushes his back lightly when he walks past.

"Junkie."

Neil grabs Andrew's tee-shirt to stop him. "Thank you."

Andrew pushes his smile away with his hand and a frown and leaves before the rest of the Foxes can get there.

*

"I want to dance like that again."

Andrew lights a cigarette and puts it on the ground next to him. Neil takes it, sitting, and takes in the smell. His mother is as fickle as the coils of smoke rising above them that night, so he lets it rest. Andrew picks it up from where Neil put it down between the two of them and takes a drag, blowing out the smoke with his gaze fixed on the horizon.

Neil waits for Andrew to turn towards him. "Next time I want to dance a duet with you," he says. Neither of them wavers, but the air between them does.

Andrew reaches for Neil's neck, bringing it down.

"What makes you think I want to dance with you?"

Andrew's words smell of smoke and Neil can feel the heat of his breath grazing his face, sees it in Andrew's eyes clear as the city lights.

"Because we did."

Something flickers across his face, quick as a ghost.

Neil knows he could pull away if he wanted to, but when Andrew brings him closer he lets him.

"Yes or no?"

There is a tension in them, pulling - whether it's a tide or a stream, Neil doesn't know. But he dives anyway.

"Yes."

Andrew kisses him, and the weight of Andrew's hand at the back of his neck is an anchor that the storm in his chest cannot reach.

Kissing Andrew is not much different from dancing with him, Neil thinks.

And then he stops thinking.