#if no one's there to help i'll try online check-in again on my phone

[nordic-language-love]

So many people saying online check in isn't reliable but literally I have never had issues checking in online before which is why I'm stressing to high heaven lmao

[bonbonly]

No bon its fine, i do also see oscar as the sweetest thing, thats why i maybe thought he always forgives you for not paying him with sex, until one day, after like 6 months of not doing anything, snaps and just comes to you and gives yoh an ultimatum either you ride his cock or leave entirely

anon you absolute slut i love you for this, because for the longest time i couldn't even see oscar as a sugar daddy and now im seeing the vision, you genius i am going to pull you onto my lap and make out with you for this ;alsdkjfasldkfja;sldkfjasd;lf LMFAO bon's thoughts (18+)

sugar!daddy oscar piastri who really isn't that entirely older than you. he understand how university life is, and he helps you sometimes. he asks some of his buddies for opportunities for you, and he definitely sends you big checks to help you buy whatever you need, and whatever you want. but there are some days where he really really wants to touch you, just to know what it's like to be inside you. you're absolutely stunning, you're always smiling at him and so he feels awkward bringing this up into a conversation because you seem content, everything's working out fine and he feels a bit too selfish for wanting to ask this of you. so he lets it slide. he's not your boyfriend, necessarily, so he keeps his boundaries and nods his head whenever you talk about sex to him. it's a normal topic, you say, but you're unaware that he's biting his knuckles not because it's a habit of his, but because his cock cannot stop craving to be inside your sweet cunt.

and you can imagine months later when he overhears a phone call with your friends about how one of your classmates invited you to the library to study only to eat you out, oscar's standing there in shock because all this time he was waiting and waiting only to realize that you had just completely ignored him. if you wanted to have sex with someone, he was right there for you! you're in his bedroom, giggling with your friends about masturbating to some porn videos you found online and that's his final straw. when you come down to tell him that you were heading back to your dorm, you see him sitting there with crossed arms and a glare on his face.

"what's wrong?" you ask.

"i'll tell you what's wrong," oscar scoffs, "here's how this is going to work, because i've lost all my patience. either you come over here and ride my cock that's been aching for you for months, or you step out this door to get back to your dorm and you never come back. everything stops between us."

and you raise an eyebrow, a grin on your face when you realize your sugar daddy's feeling jealous that you weren't giving him the attention he deserves. so like the good girl that you are, you straddle him, taking off your clothes and sinking down onto his cock which causes the both of you to moan out loud. all restrain is out the window, the man has his arms wrapped around you just in case you try to leave him without having his cum inside you, and he's thrusting his hips upward to meet your bounces. he's having you cum again and cum, relishing in the feeling of your walls clenching around his cock that just keeps gifting you wave after wave.

"fuck, from now on, you wanna fuck someone you tell me," he groans, "and when i want to have my dick inside you, you better have your cunt spread wide for me. oh my," he throws his head back, slapping your ass as you continue to ride him. you nod your head, telling him that you'll never leave him unattended ever again. he's wrapped around your finger, permanently.

[wolfjackle-creates]

Bring Me Home Arc 2 Part 20: FINAL

So guess what I realized this morning. Today, November 13, 2023 is the one year anniversary of me posting my first DPxDC fic to tumblr. It was the original fill for this very fic. (Which you can find here.)

So I decided I just had to finish this arc and get it posted. This year has been amazing and so much fun. I've become a much better writer and joined a community that has brought me so much joy. I'm glad to be here and I'm glad so many of you like to read what I'm sharing.

I noticed I got a few new readers over the past week or so, so welcome to all of you! Hope you enjoy this early update!

In personal news, my nephew was born and he's adorable and I'll be meeting him tomorrow! (As soon as I'm done posting this, I'm off to make food for his mom.)

Story Summary: Tim and Danny are both neglected by parents who care more about their work than their families. They deal with this by spending too much time online and find each other playing MMORPGs. They keep up their friendship as Tim becomes Robin and Danny becomes Phantom and don't bother keeping secrets from each other.

Arc 1

Arc 2: Part 1, Previous

Word Count: 1.2k

-----

In the end, it ended up taking several hours for Danny, Sam, and Tucker to escape their families and converge on the park. In that time, Tim had called Bruce to let him know he’d be back in Gotham by tomorrow and finished most of his homework.

While he worked, Wulf and Bart were having an animated conversation in Esperanto.

Tim was pretty sure Wulf would be bringing Bart to the Ghost Zone for a tour sometime and started making plans to learn Esperanto himself and bribe Bart to get in on them.

Cassie was helping Conner sort through some of the music Sam had given him. Tim was jealous as he solved more banal trig questions. Why did school have to be so boring? He tapped his pencil on the paper in time to the beat of whatever music Conner had playing.

Tucker was the first to arrive. “Danny and Sam not here yet?” he asked as he plopped down next to Bart and Wulf.

“Nope. Haven’t heard from them, either,” said Tim. He opened his phone notifications again just to be sure, but there was nothing new.

Tucker shrugged and pulled out a stick of jerkey to munch on. “Not surprising. The Fentons will be all overprotective after the mayor was kidnapped by a ghost on live TV. And Sam’s parents are just as bad. Only they smother rather than check the weaponry.” He turned to greet Wulf in Esperanto.

An email came through on Tim’s phone and he groaned. “Our evening interview was canceled. No one wants to hear us try to defend Phantom anymore.”

Cassie cursed. “Course not. Bet the paper won’t publish our editorials either.”

Conner looked over, confused. “Won’t they? Clark works for the Daily Planet. They publish stuff like that all the time.”

Tim didn’t look up from his math as he answered, “That’s the difference between a big, Pulitzer winning publication and a small-town op-ed.”

Tucker sighed. “Well maybe someone will remember your interviews from this morning in a positive light.”

Bart rolled his eyes. “Come on, we can’t change it. So let’s move forward. Next step, make friends with more ghosts! Wulf says there’s a bunch of cool people in the Realms.”

“Realms?” asked Tim.

“It’s what he says the Ghost Zone is actually called. The Infinite Realms.”

“Huh. I’ll have to check JL databases, see if they have any information on them.”

Tucker asked something in Esperanto and Bart burst out laughing as Wulf looked on in confusion.

With Bart’s help, though, he rephrased until Wulf was able to reply. And then the three kept to Esperanto. Tim really had to find time to learn it.

Sam was the next to arrive. She grinned and sat down next to Conner. “How you liking the music?”

Conner grinned and showed her the sheets where he ranked the bands so far based on which songs he’d listened to. She then took over the speakers and searched for specific tracks to try and change his mind about some of the bands he liked the least.

Tim let his eyes close as his friends’ voices washed over him.

After some indeterminate time where he dozed between sleeping and awareness, a foot nudged his hip. Tim grumbled out what was supposed to be a, “What?” but was too mumbled to really be understood.

“Come on, Secrets. You can do better than that.”

Tim cracked an eye open to see Danny grinning down at him. He pushed himself up slightly and blinked heavily in the sunlight.

“Finally got away from your parents?” asked Tim.

Danny collapsed on the ground next to him. “Ugh, don’t remind me. They’re freaking out over everything that’s happened the last few days. Jazz and I are basically going to be on lock down until they feel confident the ghosts are gone.”

“Did you have to sneak out to get here?” asked Cassie.

Danny shook his head. “No, I told them I was going to find you guys to make sure you were all safe. You’re welcome to come back to ours tonight, by the way. Mom and Dad basically insisted on it.”

“What do you guys think?” asked Tim. “Spend one more night here at Danny’s and head out in the morning?”

Cassie sighed. “My mom’s already freaking out that I’ve been gone longer than planned. I should get back tonight.”

“I’ll stay,” offered Conner. “I’m your ride home, anyway.”

“Why don’t you come to my place, Conner,” offered Sam. “Your nails need a fresh coat after fighting today. And I need teach you about the different brands of makeup and what to look for in terms of cost, quality, and ethicality. Plus I can get you more music.”

Tim laughed when Conner looked to him. “Go for it. Have fun.”

Conner grinned. “Then yeah, let’s do it!”

Bart shrugged. “Wulf is going to go back to the Realms soon. I’ll head out after. Wally and Linda want me over for a family dinner tonight.”

“Well, looks like that’s it, then,” sighed Danny. “Been fun having other heroes around.”

Tim nudged his shoulder. “Join the Young Justice. You could join us and we'd help out whenever you wanted. Get you around people who actually appreciate what you do for them.”

But Danny was already shaking his head. “I have to stay here. And now Amity trusts heroes even less. I want to improve that, not make it worse.”

“Even if you don’t join,” declared Conner. “You’re not getting rid of us now.”

Bart nodded his agreement. “Yep. We’re gonna be stopping by all the time. You’re in the group chat.”

“Exactly,” agreed Tim. “And we’ll figure out ways to help you. Starting with how to minimize property damage. That seems to be the big thing people focus on. You can make shields, right? How big can you make them and how much power do they take?”

Danny smiled wryly. “Can’t say I’ve really tested it.”

Tim laughed. “Well, I know one thing we’re doing tonight. We’re going to go back to Nasty Burger—” Tim looked around at the whole group “—all of us. Then Cassie and Bart are going to go home. Danny and I, at least, are going to take a nap. Then we’re gonna test the current limits to Danny’s powers.”

Danny bumped their shoulders together. “You know, this is just like gaming with you all those years.”

“Yeah, well, it’s best to be thorough.”

“We’ve measured, like, his top speed and stuff,” said Tucker, pulling out a PDA. “Want to see what we’ve got so far?”

“Absolutely.” Tim took the device and looked through it. “You’ve a decent amount of information here. Maybe instead of taking a nap, I’ll help you organize it and come up with a testing plan.”

Conner flew over to him and pulled the PDA out of his hand. “Not after pulling an all-nighter you won’t. We’re going to get some food, then the two of you are going to sleep for at least four hours.”

“I’ll set Jazz on you, too,” threatened Sam. “Don’t think I won’t.”

Tim pouted as the device was given back to Tucker. And grumbled more when Conner picked him up and threw him over his shoulder.

“Come on, food time.”

“I am going to put kryptonite in your phone,” threatened Tim.

“Bingo!” shouted Cassie.

Danny laughed as he stood. “Does this mean I can join the next round?”

Tim scowled. “Traitors, all of you.”

-----

Next

And that's the end of this Arc! Arc 3 will pick up where the original fill did. (Only this time, Tim won't be the only DC character there to help Danny.)

I'd say something like I can't believe it's only been a year, but so much has happened to me in the last twelve months that it feels like a lifetime ago, to be honest. But it's been a good year and I'm glad this community has been part of it.

Please follow the subscription post if you want updates for when I start transferring this arc to AO3 or begin posting Arc 3.

[kairiscorner]

ok but imagine miggy with a perfectionist/overachiever/burnt out gifted kid reader

(tw: mentions of light self-starvation, keep yourselves fed babes, you deserve to eat)

(reblogs are greatly appreciated, it helps get my content out there! if you guys like what you see, please reblog it too <:D)

...

summary: you really wanted to keep your number one spot, but at the cost of your well-being? miguel refuses to watch you do this to yourself any longer and takes matters into his own hands.

word count: ~1.7k

it was 2 in the morning, and you were still burning the candle at both ends. you were hard at work memorizing concepts, diagrams, easily mispronounced words and acronyms you'd never use or find useful ever again in your life unless you were on a trivia gameshow.

you were hard at work trying to understand what little was entering your mind already, a little overwhelmed by the concepts flooding your brain, but not ready to get to bed yet, out of fear someone will push you off your throne as one of the top students of the class.

you were intelligent, you had a gift; you heard those words all your life, every tine you came home with a new certificate, medal, trophy–or all three at once. you couldn't help it, school was just too easy for you back then; you could take the tests with your eyes closed and without even studying the night before.

but soon, it got harder for some reason. you originally didn't mind, you still passed with flying colors and with minimal effort–but at the cost of your sleep schedule and eating habits. you convinced yourself it was fine, it was okay, so long as you were on top.

that was all you could think of, "i just need to stay on top, then i'll be fine. nothing's better than showing them all i'm better, i'm smart, i'm... worthy of this, all this."

your mantra worked, but it worked too well that it backfired horribly.

hence, here you were, on an empty stomach that was growling, begging for you to fill it with sustenance, as the clock soon ticked to 2:15 am. the constant ticking of the clock irritating you, and thoughts of getting a digital clock to lessen distractions filled your head–ironically becoming a distraction in itself.

you groaned, you had to face it, you weren't going to get anything done at this rate. you decided to check your phone for something that might help stimulate you, maybe motivate you, even, to get back to studying.

you went online for a little, laughed at a few videos, got interested in some rabbit hole videos, found yourself singing along to some songs that you clicked on from your feed. it was peaceful.

but soon, you were greeted by a flurry of messages from your concerned friend, miguel o'hara.

you opened your latest message notification from him and read it as soon as it flashed on your screen. "what is so important that you should be up right now?" he asked.

you bit your lip as you tried to think of what to say. you knew miguel was the unyielding type of person, if you gave him a bullshit answer, you were going to get bullshit from him. you typed, erased, retyped and re-erased your message over and over again. but you finally came to the conclusion to type out, "why are you up rn?" you texted, sending him a duck emoji afterwards. he hated when you did that.

"it's 2:20 am," he argued. "correction, 2:21 in the morning," you responded. "are you even doing anything worthwhile right now? maybe rethinking which direction your life's headed before graduation?" he texted back, to which you giggled.

"you didn't answer my question," you replied, with a duck emoji again. "i was up because i saw your online status. don't think you're slick, you didn't answer my previous questions, either." he replied. "and what relevance does the duck serve in this conversation? i seriously don't understand."

you laughed aloud at his blunt answer, and in your half-tired daze, you accidentally pressed the call button. it wasn't until you heard his voice on the other end that you realized you accidentally called him.

"hello?" rang his voice from the other end, a little groggy. "um, hi." you responded as he groaned. "why the... shock are you up?" he asked, a little irritated. "we have our finals tomorrow." you replied curtly. "so? that doesn't answer my question. why are you shocking up?" he asked in a more annoyed tone as he shook off the grogginess in his voice.

"por el amor de Dios..." he muttered under his breath. you were a little taken aback by how... captivating he sounded when sleepy. a little grumpy, yes, but you felt like you could listen to his voice be like this every day. maybe you would stay up a little late just to hear him like this.

"go back to bed." he told you, trying to sound commanding. "and why would i ever do that? you know how important the finals are." you remind him. "...and how important being the top student is for me." you murmured out that last bit, to which he raised an eyebrow at.

he breathed a sigh. "i seriously can't believe you'd prioritize being a top student over giving your body a much needed break." he berated you as you hunched your shoulders, a little disappointed that he had a point. before you could say anything to retort, your stomach sided with miguel and let out a deep, rumbling whine.

the sound of your stomach complaining about how poorly you've been keeping it fed alerted miguel as he sighed yet again. "what time was it when you last ate?" he asked you, his voice soft as he tried to keep himself calm and composed.

"ah, well, maybe around... i forgot." you answered honestly. "you forgot?" he asked in a concerned voice. "you really can't live without me, huh?" he asked as you heard the shuffling of bed spreads and his big footsteps as he walked around his room. "what are you doing?" you asked him.

"more important question is where i'm going, and if you must know, i'm headed to your dorm right this–" and before he could even finish, there was a rapping of knocks on your door. you got up as you wondered if the person knocking was who you feared it was.

"–my phone died." he said in a low voice. "hope it rests in peace." you joked in a straight, nonchalant tone as miguel sighed at the bad joke. he entered your dorm without another word and set on your table the big white plastic bag he brought with him.

he didn't change out of his white shirt, dark and light blue striped pajama pants, and wore the jacket you bought for him on his birthday. "sit down." he commanded in a soft voice. "what is th–" "sit. down." he repeated himself in a more solid voice, which shut you up and got you to sit down immediately without asking any questions.

before you could get another word out of your mouth, miguel handed you an empanada. it was a little soft and limp, but it was warm. you could tell this wasn't made by just anybody. no, you recognized this style of empanda wrapping, the way it was golden brown on one side, slightly browned on the other–the abundance of meat in the filling with hardly any vegetables, just the way you liked it.

the only person who knew how to make it this way was...

"well damn, miggy, didn't think you were gonna make me anything." you said as you took a bite of the empanada. he shrugged. "i was going to give them to you today, but you were holed up in the library all day. if not the library, then in your dorm, locking yourself in your own misery." he said as he ate his helping.

you chuckled. "hey, don't laugh. i worried about you all day." he scolded you lightly with a half-full mouth. "oh. is that why you were online earlier?" you asked him, eating your empanada to satiate your starving stomach.

"i... i couldn't sleep." he admitted. "why not?" you asked him. "...a part of me thinks it was because i couldn't stop worrying about you. i didn't see you the whole day and i really, really wanted to know if you were okay. you know it kills me every time when you don't talk to me, let me know if you're alive, at least." he said as he looked up at you, his expression softening.

"oh, mig, i'm... so sorry." you said as you realized the weight of your actions, how it affected not only you, but miguel, and possibly other people who cared about you. miguel put his non-greasy hand on your cheek. "you should be." he said promptly. "but don't beat yourself up over it, you've been beating yourself every day since you were on top, not wanting to lose." he went on as he rubbed the side of your face.

"it's admirable, but please don't lose yourself over it. i think you're good enough already at second, third, or even no place at the top. you'll always have a place in my heart, that's the only thing no one can take away from you. that's the only place you'll always be number one in." he said with a small smile. "please promise me you'll take care of yourself, even if you can't accept losing once or twice or many more times in your life to someone else. i'd rather see you lose at everything but yourself. but i know you're good enough already, you don't have to overdo it anymore, okay?" he reminded you, to which you nodded and rubbed away at your eyes.

tears formed and rolled down your cheeks as he spoke, tears you never realized you were holding in, which suddenly came flooding right out when miguel talked to you. "ah... sorry." miguel apologized as he wiped away your tears with a napkin. "i promise, miguel." you sniffled out. "i'll... i'll try to take care of... myself." you promised as miguel held your face in his hands. "and if you can't... i'm right here for you. i've always got you, no matter what." he said as he kissed your forehead, a gentle and loving reminder that you can be number one at everything all you want, you already are his number one, but never forget that you have to be number one for yourself, first.

a/n: I NEEDED THIS WHEN I WAS 1 POINT AWAY FROM A 98 GENERAL AVERAGE ON MY CARD I SWEAR /cries HOPING YOU BABES LOVED THIS

tags !! @miguelswifey04

[bloomingpresent]

FERRO ROSSO CHAPTER VIII

Pairing: Charles Leclerc/Female reader digital artist older woman

Summary: in your mid 30’s you never imagined you’d be divorced. To help with the healing process you decide to return to your first love: digital illustration. Posting videos of your art online leads you to work for Ferrari. But you never thought it’d lead you to find somebody who’s going to bring you back to trust again in love.

Warnings: NSFW! 18+, swearing mention of sexual words, consensual sex, penetration, cheating, sexually themed. IT’S ALL ABOUT REVERSE AGE GAP HERE. Older woman with a younger man. They are both adults, don’t be judgemental. 

Disclaimer:

I don’t mean any offense to Mr. Leclerc. 

English isn’t my first language so all mistakes are my own. My Italian is basic so be gentle, please.

All the previous chapters are here

The sound of your cell phone wakes you up the next morning. You turn towards the nightstand and pick up the phone without looking.

"Hello?" You answer with a sleepy voice.

"Do you want to tell me what this email I'm reading?" Your agent's voice speaks on the other end of the line.

You barely open your eyes. "It's pretty clear," you answer, trying to adjust your vision to the morning sun that barely enters through your bedroom window.

"Do you want to end your contract with Ferrari?!" she asks. You can hear the sound of cars in the background.

"Yes" you answer dryly.

"Why the hell do you want to do that?!" Your agent sounds agitated about the topic.

“I…” you try to sit up on the bed. You know that if you are not honest with her, she will never understand why you want to stay away from Ferrari. "I have an affair with Charles Leclerc and I'm not able to handle it," you answer, almost whispering.

The silence on the other end of the line is worse than yelling at you.

"Hello?" You repeat, rubbing your eyes.

"I'll see you in the office in 1 hour. If I'm going to do this, you’d buy me coffeeat least" she answers on the other side.

An hour later, you're walking up the stairs to your agent's office in central London.

You can almost hear her lecturing you about being professional in your work.

You let your agent know what happened. Her reaction ranges from anger, to surprise, to understanding you as a woman.

"I'm going to talk to Ferrari's agent. It's not easy to get out of a contract like that. But you have to show up for the restart of the season, otherwise it would be a breach of the contract, at least until I can pass on my proposal to them, okay?" " she tells you as she plays with the pencil on the desk and drinks the Starbucks coffee you bought her.

You don't want to, you don't like it and you don't feel like doing it. But there you will go again, into the den of the wolf again.

What motivates you the most is that you don't know Baku, so from now on everything will be work and if possible, get to know a new city. Which is what you're really going to miss about working with Ferrari.

You have everything planned scientifically. Your agent will release you from this contract and you will be able to return to your studio to create your art in peace.

Just one more time.

Baku shows you right away that it is the capital city of the modern world. Maybe you wouldn't have seen places like these if it weren't for F1.

Everyone on the team has renewed energy after the mini vacation. But you are not.

From the moment you check in at the hotel you are alert. Or ready to avoid all contact with a certain driver.

The first day on the circuit, when you arrive at the hospitality area, you receive a video call from your agent.

"I'm afraid I don't have good news for you," she says as soon as you answer the call.

You walk outside the Ferrari hospitality area while talking. "What are you talking about?" You answer her, already agitated, fearing the worst.

"Ferrari is not willing to terminate your contract" she tells you with a strange smile on her face.

"That's funny?! Why can't I end my contract with them?! I'm just another designer" you try not to raise your voice but you're flustered.

Your agent's smile is bigger now. "They actually offer you a promotion, and from what I'm seeing it has already been made effective."

Your heart stops for a few seconds. "What?! Effective promotion?!"

"You are now Charles Leclerc's PR agent, dear." Your agent laughs openly.

She tells you that out of the corner of your eye you can see the movement of photographers and cameras at the entrance to the hospitality area. That means a driver is making the entrance.

You move out of the way, holding your breath, hoping it's not him. "What the hell?! Why?! How?!" You spoke to your phone screen in complete shock while walking through the group of people.

"Apparently he asked for you." the voice on the other end of the call tells you.

This can not be. It's the only thing you can think about while you hold your phone with your mouth open and ignoring what's going on around you.

"Be careful what you let into that open mouth," someone tells you from the middle of the group of people.

Of course it's him. With his big smile and his winning attitude. And continue walking towards the hospitality area.

You want to kill him.

You just sigh and close your mouth. You put on your best smile of commitment and walk away.

What follows is an open discussion between you and your agent about the topic. She explains why you can't get out of the contract, you tell her why you won't accept it, she tells you again why not and why you shouldn't do it. Then follows another long sermon about how good this is for you professionally.

Again.You want to kill him.

You don't understand why, how and what he wants from you.

Your agent convinces you after half an hour of your arguments and tantrums.

You just sit on the floor between the giant equipment trailers trying to prepare yourself for this.

In minutes you'd have been in front of your new boss to start working at Team Leclerc.

You are completely stubborn and you are not going to let it affect you. IF he wants you to be the person who is stuck to him throughout the season, that's how it will be. And you will be the most professional person in the world.

This is your plan, it is decided. Whatever he wants with this. He's not going to make it.

It takes you more than 1 hour to introduce yourself to your new superior and get up to speed on your new tasks. The questions from your colleagues do not wait. About how and why you were promoted. Silvia Hoffer, your new direct boss, is an experienced person and surely smells something of what is happening. But she doesn't tell you anything, she just tells you what you should do and she makes it clear that "this is a test, if it doesn't work for us, we can let you go."

Only she knows what she means by "make this work." But you're as stubborn as Charles, and you won't let whatever her reason for doing this ruin your resume.

You take a deep breath, steeling yourself as you step into the bustling Ferrari hospitality area. The adrenaline from the chaotic morning lingers, and you can’t shake the image of Charles from your mind. He’s a magnet, and somehow, you’re drawn to him even when you want to run in the opposite direction.

As you navigate through the sea of team members and journalists, you catch a glimpse of him across the room. He’s laughing with a couple of reporters, his charisma radiating like sunlight. You can’t help but feel a twinge of longing mixed with annoyance. Why did he have to complicate things?

Silvia appears beside you, breaking your thoughts. “You’re going to have to talk to him eventually. Remember, professionalism.”

“Right,” you murmur, forcing a smile. “Professionalism.”

“Let’s start with a plan,” she suggests, her tone businesslike. “We need to establish clear boundaries.”

You nod, trying to focus. “Okay, I can do that.”

“Good. And just so you know, the media is going to love this. They’ll eat it up.” She glances over at Charles, who’s just spotted you. “Looks like it’s time for your first introduction.”

Your heart races as he strides over, that effortless confidence in every step. He stops in front of you, eyes sparkling with mischief. “Well, look who it is. My new PR agent.” 

“Don’t get too excited,” you retort, crossing your arms. “I’m not your personal cheerleader.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he smirks, his gaze steady on yours. “Just think of me as your biggest project.”

You fight the urge to roll your eyes. “Let’s just stick to the work, shall we?”

“Of course,” he replies, a teasing lilt in his voice. “But I hope you’re ready for a little chaos. F1 isn’t exactly quiet.”

“I thrive in chaos,” you reply, matching his playful tone. Inside, however, you’re a bundle of nerves. This is going to be a test of your patience—and your heart.

As the day progresses, you find yourself following him around the paddock, taking notes on interviews and media obligations. Despite your best intentions to stay professional, there’s a chemistry that crackles in the air, leaving you breathless. 

During a break, you find a quiet corner to gather your thoughts. You pull out your sketchbook, a habit from your days of digital illustration. Drawing was your escape, your solace. But today, even that isn’t enough to ease the tension.

“Hard work?” Charles’s voice interrupts, and you look up to see him leaning against the wall, arms crossed.

“Just… organising my thoughts,” you say, trying to sound casual. 

He steps closer, glancing at your sketches. “You’re really talented, you know?.”

“Thanks,” you reply, suddenly feeling shy. “It’s just a hobby—was just a hobby.” You set the pencil down, meeting his gaze. “But now I guess it’s part of my job.”

He tilts his head, studying you. “You seem conflicted about all this.”

“I didn’t want this role, Charles. I’m not sure I can handle it, especially with… everything.” 

He hesitates, the playful spark dimming. “You don’t have to pretend with me. I know it’s complicated.”

“Complicated is an understatement,” you say, frustration bubbling up. “I’m trying to get my life back on track, or was trying to get my life back on track, and being around you makes that difficult.”

“I get that,” he says softly, stepping even closer. “But maybe this is a chance for both of us. To redefine things. To… figure it out.”

Your heart races as you look into his eyes, seeing a sincerity that makes you want to trust him. But your walls are high, fortified by past hurts. “I can’t just jump back into… whatever this is.”You look around, clearly this isn't a subject to be talking around people. 

“I’m not asking you to,” he replies, his voice low. “Just take it one step at a time. We can keep things professional, but I can’t help the way I feel about you.”

Feel about you. He said that you did not imagine it.

You swallow hard, feeling vulnerable under his gaze. “It’s not that simple, Charles.”

He takes a breath, looking momentarily pained. “I know. But I’ll be here, whether you want me to be or not.”

Before you can respond, Silvia appears, breaking the moment. “Y/N, we need you for the next briefing,” she says, oblivious to the tension. 

You nod, glancing back at Charles, who offers a small, encouraging smile. As you turn away, you feel the weight of the decision hanging over you. Maybe you’re not ready to dive back into love (or whatever this is), but with Charles, it seems like you’ll be navigating a whole new kind of chaos. 

You take a deep breath and head towards the briefing, determined to keep your focus on the work, even if your heart has other plans.

PS: I'll post the next chapter tomorrow! It's Charles POV. Thank you for waiting on me!

Tags: @janeh22 @elenizacharop @h-jpg

[errihaienx]

Hello!! Can I have a request hq characters reaction on being prank by their girlfriend. The prank will be the girlfriend will be fake texting someone while laughing while they are doing something on their phone. Thank youuu, love ur works btw. 🫶🏼

Hiii i am not quite sure who among all of the hq characters shall i write reaction on. so i applied multiple characters(characters who i am familiar with, i can't include everyone T^T) by the reaction that i think they will have during the prank! thank you for loving my works ( ๑ ˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و ♡

(REQ!)

quick disclaimer: these scenarios don't affect the original plot of the series. any information or events that contradict the original plot are purely fictional. (i do not own any of the characters) (I did not proofread this)

⠀:¨ ·.· ¨:⠀ ⠀ `· . ୨୧⠀HQ MEN REACTING TO YOUR 'FAKE TEXTING SOMEONE' PRANK

SUNA, Tsukishima, Kenma, Kunimi

"I KNEW IT BUT WHY AM I SO GRUMPY"

Actually saw and knew about the trend, but he didn't expect you to do this, so when he found out you were following the trend, he was taken aback.

though what he couldn't understand is why the hell is he grumpy and displeased about it even though he knows that it is just a prank

"Heyy, your mouth could reach the ground, stop pouting! you knew it was a prank, so why are you acting like that"

"You're such a child, why are you even doing those things?" he said sharply.

If you've just been his girlfriend for a short time, his remarks will hurt you, but at this point you just know that it's either his love language or he was born that way.

"So who's the grumpy one because I did some 'childish stuff'?" you laughed

You returned to the prank and began typing random letters while giggling, and then your phone was taken away in a matter of seconds.

"Hey! what are you doing!"

He checked your phone with strained brows, then handed it to you, his countenance considerably calmer now.

"What did you do?"

"I don't usually check phones coz that's your privacy but I can't help it, stop that antics of yours and just cuddle me that would've been better"

"I don't want to!"

"oh trust me you do"

OIKAWA, Atsumu, Kuroo, Terushima

"YOU DID ME SO DIRTY, I'LL BE DOIN' THE SAME >:("

It was a typical day for you and him; he was busy packing for an international match, at the same time you were laughing on your phone.

"What's the matter, babe?" He asked

He stopped doing his thing while his gaze fall upon you.

"N-nothing! I'm j-just talking with a friend.."

Your nervous chuckle made his eyebrow shot up. When he's packing his belongings, you usually help him, but he thinks it's strange because you're texting and giggling with someone else instead.

You snickered as you swiftly glanced at him, seeing his brow furrowed while stiffly folding his clothes.

That caused him to stare at you again, and this time he can't help himself.

"Babe."

"y-yeah?"

"Who are you texting."

"he's a-"

"He?! I haven't left yet and you are replacing me right away??"

You turned your phone off, trying not to giggle, and reached out your hand to him, which he ignored while looking at you.

"Explain." he sternly said, with his arms crossed.

"It was nothing! I just saw a video online about fake texting and I decided to-"

He interrupted you by laughing dryly. You handed him your phone and told him to check it himself if he was doubtful.

"I don't have to, I believe you. I can't just believe that you did this to me!"

You hugged him because he looked betrayed.

"Just wait until I start giggling and kicking my feet while texting someone!"

His childish words made you roll your eyes; he'll certainly never do this ever. He is totally committed to you.

SAKUSA, Kageyama, Ushijima

"UH YEAH OKAY GO ON, I'M HURT BUT I WON'T BE SAYIN' THAT TO YOU"

Your boyfriend arrived at your shared condo late at night. Tired and feeling a bit drowsy, you knew exactly what he needs. yourself

But, for the time being, he will not be getting that. You're busy pretending to text someone.

"My hugs..?"

You ignored him as you shifted your body so that it looked like you were hiding what you'd been doing.

"Love.. what are you doing?" he asked again

His voice was soft and desperate, so you kept typing random letters and let out a quick giggle that drew his attention.

"Oh are you talking with Sana-san?" he concluded

You finally looked at him with a grin on your face, finding his conclusion amusing.

"No, babe, I was talking with a male friend.. have you eaten?" you returned the question

You could see his eyes widen a little; he knew you didn't have any close male friends, so you expected him to question you. He, however, did not.

"Oh, okay.. go on continue talking to him."

His cold, trying-not-to-sound-jealous voice was hilarious, his ears growing red, and the way he acts in the next minutes confirms his jealousy.

He's always been this way; he's not the very jealous type, and when he is, he attempts to hide it and fails miserably. He'll be stiff and irritable, as though he doesn't know how to act.

After a few minutes had gone and you had not heard from him, you stood up and provided him a back hug.

"Hey baby, I was just kidding.. I missed you so much.."

He shifted his weight and is now facing you with a less tense manner, but his brow wrinkled clearly indicates that he needs a little clarification.

"You preferred to play some pranks on me rather than give me my hugs."

AKAASHI, Iwaizumi, Kita, Hinata, Sugawara, Osamu, Daichi

"I UNDERSTAND YOU MWA (ɔˆ ³(ˆᴗˆc)"

He got confused when he called you for dinner and you were still on your phone, texting and laughing constantly. especially since you had a motto "food always comes first!"

"My love? I called for you, you can continue that later.." He called again

He got your attention, and you acted annoyed by turning your phone off in a tetchy manner.

"Eat first, you were doing what?"

"I was messaging a friend, and he invited me to watch a movie with some of our mutual friends."

You assumed him to question you, but knowing your partner's personality, he didn't. You finished your dinner, but he's still all smiles!

What you expected did not come around, and guess what? He even insisted on driving you to the place you were going.

Because of how things played out, your prank was reversed, and you are now the one who is grumpy.

"Hmmm, why are you acting this way?" he gently asked as he kissed the furrow in your brow.

"Nothing!"

He laughed at your defensive tone, still holding you in his arms;

"I love you.."

THE BOKUTO ( my baby ! ‹𝟹 ) TYPE

he'll be so whiny lol

will be saying these for sure;

"heyyy who are you texting?"

"oh you're talking with a boy, okay! — WHAT A BOY????"

"baby you don't love me anymore??!"

"baby are you happier with him?"

"bAbY dOnT LeAve mE:("

please stop the prank and cuddle this babieee! ₍ᐢ._.ᐢ₎♡

HI EVERYONEE!!!! It's almost been a week, i am clearing up my requests and I have a post lineups that will be out very soon! I also got addicted creating dividers lmaoo. anyways, thank you for appreciating my works! see ya in few days! ₍ᐢ⸝⸝› ̫ ‹⸝⸝ᐢ₎

[habbohoteldotdk]

When I was still deeply addicted to the Internet to the point I'd cycle through weird extremist sites that called for the death of people who look like me, news websites, and regular social media all at the same time, spending upwards of 12 hours a day on them (to the point the sensation of holding my phone in my hand still felt tangible even when I wasn't using it), I knew it wasn't "right" and that one day I'd figure out how to stop. I postponed that decision to the distant future. I hyped myself up by reading posts on r/nosurf made by people who succesfully stopped using the Internet in a problematic way (and by problematic use, I mean intending to check a website for only 10 minutes and realizing that two hours have passed and you've since forgotten what you were initially looking for), I read books that aimed to help the reader defeat their addiction, I read quotes, I watched videos, I was looking for anything outside of myself that would somehow magically pull me out of my addiction. I assumed it was like a switch that could be turned on and off.

It took years for me to gradually reduce my usage. I realized the change happened mostly because my feelings around the Internet changed. When I was a kid, it was a place to play games and have fun (I would cycle through YouTube, Minecraft forums, browser games) and even when I had my first phone (at 12) I'd never bring it with me to school.

That belief I had about the Internet remained with me as I aged but my world expanded. Internet meant having social media. Internet meant reading the news. Internet meant talking to extremists online. Internet meant watching gore videos. Internet meant knowing a school shooting just happened on the other side of the planet... but it was simultaneously still a place 'to play games and have fun', but that function lessened to make room for all the things I enumerated earlier. So... the Internet back then was still as addictive as it is today, but the introduction of these novel things into my Internet experience turned it into an even bigger time sink.

Going back to the point I was making, my screen time reduced because while I was hyping myself up throughout those years, telling myself "this is definitely the year where I'll stop scrollllllllingggg", making up these elaborate logical reasons as to why I should quit browsing X or Y website, my emotions/feelings about the online world subconsciously followed suit, because change mostly comes from emotion. Even if it may not seem like much, all those days added up (some of these days where I've wasted my entire evening scrolling past stuff I cannot remember anymore, others where I didn't go past the 3 hour mark according to my phone's screen time monitor) and there's absolutely no desire for me to waste hours on some random sites anymore. Changing is akin to turning a cube into a sphere with fine grit sandpaper, every day you work towards it, and only in time you will see the change.

But when I first started trying to get a bit more control over my addiction I thought life operated like a cartoon where I strike a chisel against marble once and it collapses into a perfect Adonis. I spent all day looking for the right spot to strike to perfectly and effortlessly change instead of actually making changes (as explained above, in my case I was compiling resources like this one [video], this one [video] and this one [long-form article], re-reading them over and over again as if they'd instantly rewire my brain and bring about new changes in my life).

[siomae]

lessons learned ☕ winter 2024

i have completed the winter quarter!! yay!! i want to reflect on some lessons that i learned during the winter quarter.

🍞 do!! not!! procrastinate!! — i say this to myself every quarter, but this time, i am properly addressing it so that i can avoid procrastination in the next quarter. i had a bad habit of putting my assignments off at the last minute, or turn them in late if late work is accepted. i used to be impressed by my ability to finish a written assignment 30 minutes before the due time, but now i realize that the rush is just not worth it! i want to create work with quality that i can be proud of. better time management and self-discipline will make my next quarter much less stressful.

🍞learn to adapt — different subjects require different methods of learning. what works for one subject, does not always work for others. don't waste time "studying" if your study methods are not actually effective!! figure out which strategies result in better outcomes and focus on that.

🍞communicate with professors — this is especially important if i am taking online classes. one of my main struggles since starting college was not connecting with my professors. the lack of communication makes it so much more difficult to eventually reach out when i need help. go to office hours!! they have it available for students for a reason. advocate for yourself!!

🍞take advantage of resources provided by your school — my school offers free tutoring for students. i haven't visited the tutoring center because i wasn't sure how to ask for help. but i expect that i will need a lot of help next quarter to keep up with the learning material. i will make use of the tutoring services next quarter!

🍞remove distractions — i did a phone detox for a weekend and found that it was the most productive i have been in a long time! i will make an effort to be more conscious of my phone usage. having the discipline to actually turn off my phone and put it in a different room to avoid the temptation of checking my notifications.

🍞sleep! — i'm guilty of revenge bedtime procrastination! sacrificing my sleep for leisure time is not worth the tiredness i feel the next day. again, better time management will lead to more healthy habits.

🍞make time for friends — i learned that i shouldn't isolate myself for too long. studying can get lonely, especially during exam season when i get caught up in studying for long periods. i will try to schedule some time to socialize! it doesn't have to be a long schedule: it can be a quick coffee or lunch for good measure. having some positive interactions helps get me through the stress of school!

i'll be working harder next quarter to make sure that i don't continue having these issues! good luck to everyone taking finals!! 💌

[dollsonmain]

That Guy helped clean for one day but then went back to refusing to do anything but play video games.

There's still guest-cleaning to do, and I'll have to knock it out before work. I think vacuuming the downstairs should be good enough, though I haven't checked Son's bathroom which is also the guest bathroom, yet, and it probably needs more work.

I also forgot to do the guest room sheets yesterday, I was so worn out. They're in the wash, now.

Then I have gas station work today.

That Guy said the outfit I picked out for the interview and hair and makeup looked good; both appropriate and on me. I don't know why that one website said the dress code was business formal, black, white, grey. Other than the security and police on site who were in full uniforms, everyone else was wandering around in jeans or slacks and polos or simple blouses. Everyone contracted from Goodwill gets a special overshirt they have to wear around, too. That kind of sucks, actually. It looks bad.

I am still VERY unhappy with how the hair spray dried out my hair. I'll have to not wash it for a couple days, let the natural oils reasaturate the strands, and hope that'll be good enough to make it happy again. If not I'll have to try a masque or something. I can't tolerate the texture of my hair being Wrong.

Mail room blather:

I am a little disappointed that it's not an actual mail room, like when I was in the army I would go get the mail, bring it back to the battalion, process any paperwork like package slips, sort the mail into mail boxes, etc.

That's what I was excited about when I saw the job posting. This job is not that.

She said she's looking for both a backup truck driver which I said I'm willing to try but can't guarantee I can drive the big truck (I did not mention the whole auto-accident related PTSD thing...), and a backup manager which of course that wouldn't be expected until I'd been there for a while and was very familiar and comfortable with the processes involved.

So they will go get mail and bring it back, but then the job is to do safety checks like I said, which was a part of it when I was in the army (there was an anthrax scare at the time and we had to take extra precautions etc. so at least I did already get that training), and to open packages and inspect the contents. I guess from there cleared mail gets passed off to someone else to be distributed or maybe representatives from the various departments come to get it or something. I would learn that later. Part of the job is making sure threatening letters don't make it to their intended targets.

She also said there is a LOT of downtime. So much downtime. Some people quit because they get so bored they can't take it. I can bring in a tablet or my phone and watch movies there's that much downtime. I'm not sure if I can be online and bothering you all, though, and am not permitted to take photos/videos in the mail room.

I can take projects, though, so it would be a good time to work on rehairs and the like.

It's kind of funny that I'd be going from being sedentary with no income to being over-worked at the gas station for very few dollars, to being sedentary again just not at home for ok dollars. $30k isn't a lot, here. The cost of living here is surprisingly high vs the population because we're close to DC. But it is a lot for doing not much, you know?

[mrmcwigglyman]

A letter to E-Sekai

Rare semi-serious post because E-Sekai's first anniversary is tomorrow.

Hopefully this breaches Tumblr containment because I don't use any other social media.

When E-Sekai first debuted, I was at a really bad time in my life. For context, I went to college in late August, and for two months, I was slowly destroying my mental health because I wanted to stay, but couldn't handle it. I continued to sink deeper and deeper into depression until my mom came to take me home in late October. During the first months of my return, I was so dejected that I didn't want to do anything. I wasted all my time doing unproductive things on the computer, relying on it for comfort. My parents intervened and restricted access to my computer. Without my computer for comfort, I turned to watching VTubers on my phone, to the point of staying up all night trying to distract myself from the sadness of having to leave college. It was really unhealthy and non-sustainable, but I couldn't get myself to do anything else.

Almost exactly one month later, I found a debut compilation for Idol-EN's first generation, called E-Sekai. I was immediately interested, so I found their channels and subscribed to all of them. I especially liked Rin, for various reasons which I'll get to later, but I enjoyed watching everyone. Their streams got me to come out of my shell online. Before E-Sekai, I didn't use the YouTube account on my phone for chatting or commenting at all, because I didn't have a channel linked to it, but E-Sekai convinced me to make a channel so I could chat. One of the things about small to medium-sized VTuber agencies is that the streamers are more likely to see your comment as an individual. Whenever I got someone to laugh with one of my jokes, it made my day. E-Sekai made me want to be creative again. They got me through the grueling late nights of working at my coat check job. And they helped me try to get out of my depression. I actually know and interact with people on the Idol discord, and I discovered a lot more VTuber agencies because Idol gave me confidence to chat in many other VTubers' chats.

My life is still not perfect. I'm really anxious about any sort of change to my routine, such as getting a normal job, and I need to get better at taking care of myself. But E-Sekai and Idol in general still brings a lot of happiness to my life.

I want to take the rest of this post to say how each individual member of E-Sekai contributed to my life, and the group as a whole. I'm not good at writing these kinds of things, and I'm probably missing a bunch of what makes them all so fun to watch, but I hope this captures them well enough.

Yuko: The scream from her debut was ear-piercingly beautiful. Her hyperactive personality leads to incredibly fun moments. I'm still amazed by how much she loves her boo bros. She's the perfect blend of lewd, wholesome, and silly. In one of her karaoke streams, she got me to listen to the entirety of "A Little Piece of Heaven", which is my least favorite A7X song. Keep being the most neurodivergent in E-Sekai, Yuko! Wanau :boobropout:

Juna: The eel's art and Live2D streams were super comfy, but also very cursed. I celebrated New Year's along with her, and I still have the art she made for it somewhere. Juna's streams got me through the early parts of my coat check shifts. I love all the inside jokes the fameely has, such as "good riddance", "LIVID", banning Yogurt, and Golden Shower. And speaking of the fameely, they're the friendliest people in the Discord server, and I love to talk to them. Juna actually responded to my comments a lot, which boosted my confidence a lot. Also, one of my favorite moments was during the Seiso Stream when I tried to catch her off guard by asking her to pronounce "Featherstonhaugh." Always remember that it rhymes with "hand saw." Stay LIVID, Juna, and thanks for all the completely sane streams so far.

Rin: Rin is the one that I instantly identified with. She loves making silly powerpoints. She has a very particular taste in video games that I can never find anywhere else. Even before she mentioned she was ace, I could tell she was ace-coded. She has an incredibly broken sense of humor. The first (and currently only) VTuber merch I've ever bought was the skrunkly plush. And I don't really believe in fate, but I had to admit that there was one coincidence that was very convincing. While watching her debut slides, when she was introducing some of her plushies, I learned that I have a very personal connection to the name of one of her plushies. Her streams are incredibly creative and fun. Her powerpoint streams and skit streams are the funniest content I've seen in a long time. Her reactions to things that wouldn't normally be funny makes them funny, which is part of the reason I love the shovelware series so much. I can tell she works so hard behind the scenes to make all those things happen. Even though after the Shortsening her chat is sometimes unbearable to look at, I'm glad that she is a lot of people's first VTuber. I'm proud to call Rin my kami-oshi. Fun fact: The B emoji in my YouTube username, although I've used it before Idol, was specifically chosen for Rin, except now that the emoji is banned in her chat, I can't actually send my membership milestone chats because according to YouTube logic, my username counts as part of the superchat?? I'll probably change it to a small capital B instead someday. Anyway, Rin, I'm glad to be a member of the Princedom, and I'm so happy that you are able to reach so many people. Also, congrats for keeping up the Rin facts for a YEAR! *metal_pipe.mp3* *outro music*

Pochi: Pochi is an absolute gamer. The fact that she doesn't rage very often leads to some very comfy streams, even in frustrating games. She also does some cool themed zatsus, like the pet peeves stream. I enjoy her Minecraft streams a lot, and I actually got back into modded Minecraft because of her. Her redebut was so good and so creative, and I just think her "hello, I am puppy" t-shirt is hilarious. I often leave her streams on in the background because she is just so comfy. Keep doing what you're doing, Pochi! Wäf wäf!

Fuyo: One early series of streams that I enjoyed was Fuyo's Bioshock playthrough. Normally I don't like those kinds of games, but it was actually really interesting. I also remember watching her VTuber cosplay stream while waiting for a doctors appointment that I showed up an hour early for. I still don't know she got away with some of the games she played in the first week after debut. When I was waking up late because I was staying up late, Fuyo streams were what helped me wake up and get out of bed. Also I think I left the Nyan Cat stream on while I slept, which may or may not have been detrimental to my musical health. I look forward to the future, and I hope you are, too, Fuyo. Thank you for giving back my physical wallet, even if you kept the stuff inside.

I'm awful at wording things, but I really wanna thank E-Sekai for helping me out of a deep hole in my life. I know this is probably not gonna get more notes than my fucking Papa Louie Veggie Dog post, but on the offchance this reaches one or all of you... idk I'm all out of words, but I'm looking forward to another year of E-Sekai antics.

I also want to thank the rest of Idol for being just as awesome!

[crittercrossing]

Introducing... Chance!

It's been one heck of a day. As of the time of this writing, I've known this chicken for less than five hours. Everything has happened so fast, and completely unexpectedly, but it looks like the universe gave me an early Christmas gift.

I was on the way to a vet appointment with Katy and Chevelle today, and just before I reached the vet's office, I saw a chicken standing on the side of the road—I mean, less than a foot away from the edge of the very busy road that runs right through the middle of town. I recognized the body shape immediately as a Cornish cross, a specific type of mixed breed chicken that is bred for the meat industry. I knew the poor bird must have fallen off one of the many trucks around here that carry these chickens to processing. I was surprised to see them standing there, seemingly unharmed and alive—I come across chickens that have fallen from trucks fairly often, and they have always either been dead or gravely injured (and had to be euthanized).

Normally, I would not hesitate to stop and pick up a chicken in this situation. My first-ever chicken was a Cornish cross, and I have a soft spot for this breed that suffers from a tragic fate. There were complications at this time, though—my dogs were in the car with me, and there's the current bird flu outbreak going on, which can be very dangerous to people and is connected to commercial poultry. I desperately wanted to help this chicken, but was afraid of putting my loved ones' lives at risk. I was running late to the vet appointment, so I decided that I would go to the appointment, and afterwards, drive by again and see if they were still there.

The chicken was indeed there after the appointment, standing in the same spot. I pulled over and thought about what to do for a while. I called the nearby emergency vet to ask if they could help. They said they couldn't take the chicken and try to rehome them or anything. They could treat the chicken if they were wounded, or they could euthanize them. I checked with the vet clinic I had just been to with my dogs, and they said they don't have any exotic vets on staff who could help or advise (which is fair). I knew I had to make a judgment call on my own, and I knew in my heart what I felt was right. After some online research about bird flu, I decided to take a chance.

I drove closer to the chicken, pulled over, left my (very confused) dogs in the car with the windows cracked, and walked up to the chicken with a cat carrier and a hoodie in hand, while wearing two masks. The chicken looked up at me as I approached. I had watched them walk into the road at one point while I was making phone calls and saw them almost get hit. They were now back in the grass next to the road. They only started to panic once I draped the hoodie over them to pick them up. (I didn't have gloves, and didn't want to directly touch the chicken in case of bird flu.) I didn't have a way to safely examine them there, so I put them carefully into the carrier in case they were injured and put them in car. I didn't have any sort of plan. I didn't really know what to do. I started driving back home.

I kind of just subconsciously decided to take them home. I thought about how wild the whole situation was on the drive. I knew before we even got to the house that their name was Chance. It was by chance that they survived their fall from the truck, and that they happened to be there when I happened to drive by. I took a chance on picking them up. I'm giving them a chance to have a safe, happy rest of their life.

Chance was put into a spare chicken pen in the backyard, where they cannot interact with the other chickens for now. I held them up while my dad inspected them for injury. Chance has no visible outer injuries aside from one of their toenails having been torn off. It was bleeding, but not fatally. I'll keep an eye on that toe and take them to an exotic vet if needed. Chance doesn't have feathers under their wings or on their belly (chickens of these breeds often don't). Their comb and wattles are small and pale, and it's not completely clear how much of that is due to age and how much is due to stressful living conditions. They have bright, curious eyes, and they don't seem sick.

I'm not yet certain what sex Chance is, or exactly how old they are. I'm currently thinking five-week-old pullet, but I'm going to do a bit more research. Also, time will tell as they continue to grow.

I can't imagine what this day must have felt like to Chance. Today was almost certainly their first time ever seeing sunlight or touching grass. This is probably the first time they've ever been not completely surrounded by other chickens, all crammed together in a small space. I wonder if they've ever really had a chance to breathe fresh air before. All the hands that held them previously were probably not kind. They started their day packed in a chicken truck, most likely on their way to slaughter. Now, they are safe in their own pen, with unlimited water and a good meal for tonight, with a little house to hide in.

Here's the thing: Chance will not live a very long life. I am very familiar with the complications that Cornish crosses face in their short lives. These birds have been selectively bred to grow no matter what, to produce more meat, and to do it as quickly as possible (they are about eight weeks old when they go to slaughter). Darcy, my first chicken, was a Cornish cross. I cared for her from the time she was roughly three days old. I did what I could to help her live longer. She was on a restricted diet to encourage weight loss, and I helped her exercise and encouraged her to run. She was six months old when she passed. Presumably, her heart gave out, as she just suddenly dropped. Most Cornish crosses who are kept as pets meet this fate. No matter what you do to fight their extreme growth, they get so big that their hearts can't take it or their legs give way beneath them. It's a big deal if these birds make it to their first birthday. I only saw Chance in their new pen for a few minutes before I had to leave for the day (chickens live at my parents' house, and I currently do not), but the entire time, they were sitting on the ground in the way Cornish crosses do when standing is too hard. Of course, some of it may be shock. I'm excited to visit Chance tomorrow and see how they're doing then.

Today, Chance went from facing the day of their death, having never seen a Christmas before, to being safe in their new home just in time to experience Christmas. Chickens don't know about holidays, and I'm sure they wouldn't care even if they did. I'm just sentimental.

It's been a long time since I've been able to rescue an animal like this, and I'm so incredibly glad that I got to do it today. This is one of my favorite things that I ever do, the kind of thing that makes me feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose. I know Chance will probably only live a few more months, but they will know love, safety, sunlight, grass, and companionship while they're here. If they start to suffer, I won't let them linger like that. They got their second chance, and I'm happy to be a part of it.

[clatterbane]

I was also maybe a little low on patience after the fun I've been having the past day or so with my last phone that already had the sketchy USB port and (unsurprisingly) declining battery life. It is an S20 from 2020, and I did already get this replacement. (Thus even less urgency with doing anything about that thrashed screen protector which looks even worse in this lighting...)

It fell screen side down in the floor and hit the base of some metal shelving just wrong. So, now it's doing this shit. 🙃 Started out with a single green line like it gets when I plug it in here, and the very top of the screen very erratically responding to touch input. The screen also won't turn on unless it's put on charge, then it's grudgingly willing to wake up.

That progressed to what you're seeing here, over the past day or so. The screen was actually behaving remarkably well here, but it goes crazier the longer it's on. Usually now the notifications bar can only be pulled down at all from a homescreen that's empty at the top, and the top centimeter or so rarely responds. It's now also registering random phantom touches and swipes while I am actively trying to use it.

So yeah, I am avoiding touching the thing any more than has been necessary to try to get some of the important final shit migrated over. And I'm really hoping the poor thing will stay somewhat functional until after Mr. C gets back in another week or so.

This has primarily been a backup phone that I've been carrying around to continue running Diabox, and the Samsung watch that I mostly even got for the handy CGM display on my wrist. Still no luck getting Diabox reading the sensor right on the Pixel, trying again--and the devs couldn't figure out the issue either after I got the new phone and tried to get it working the first go around. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Same error this time.

But, whatevs. I did get xDrip+ up and running, which is at least as good other than not being able to directly carry my old Diabox data over.

No luck yet getting the watch to connect to this phone properly either, though I did find one more thing to check--and, due to the person I am, I haven't sought advice on the GrapheneOS forum yet. Where other people do seem to have managed OK. But yeah, while I'll be pissed if my smartwatch is effectively a paperweight now? I'll cope if that is the way things play out.

What really has me worried atm, though? My hard-won BankID is still set up on the S20. And you need it here for everything from online purchases, to logging into anything official like the health portal or the weirdest assortment of commercial sites. I'm not thrilled about the whole setup from a privacy perspective (a number of things in this country, tbqh), but it is what it is. It was difficult or impossible to get SO MUCH done before I finally got set up with BankID access, and I don't want to go back there. Even temporarily.

Being a filthy foreigner with a limited bank account, I also can't just transfer it to a new device online like pretty much everyone else. That would require online banking access. (Which I really don't need to get started on now. A whole rant of its own.) Nope, I need to get the Household Swede's assistance to set up a physical appointment at the bank, so they can do it. You can't just rock up, you do need to make an appointment during the roughly 3 hours a day that they're open and deigning to deal with customers. Banks here would really rather you do handle everything online.

And I can't set that up or really physically get there without some help, frustrating as it is on so many levels.

But, that's why the hope that Borked Phone holds out at least until after he gets back from that trip. I don't know if SEB will need to even see the existing app, though one would really hope not in case of lost/stolen or comprehensively busted devices. But, who knows. My main concern on a practical level is maybe getting stuck for weeks without a functioning BankID, while trying to at least minimally function as an adult. With no onsite backup for another week and a bit.

[blackbird-brewster]

2, 4, 5, 12, 13, 30, 32, 38, 47, 57, 69, 83, 84

I will answer your ask here shortly! But I didn't want you to think I forgot to ask you ✌️❤️😘

[Send my Writer Asks] TY for so many number!! <3

2. talk about a notable time a narrative or character has looked you dead in the eyes and said “fuck your plan, here’s what we’re actually doing.”

Basically any and every fic with JJ in it is this exact thing. JJ is notorious for going off-script and just doing whatever the hell she wants. I have had to re-write entire fic outlines bc of this. She's a nuisance (affectionate).

4. what is the plot bunny you’ve been carrying for the longest? optional bonus question: do you ever wonder why you haven’t written it yet and experience deep existential dread?

I often look at the 4 chapters I wrote for an early season CM fic that's sorta like 'You've Got Mail' (it's a 2006 online dating fic) and lament that I've never finished it. I even *know* the reason why too, it's simply because the coding to do entire chapters in 'e-mail' form on AO3 would require me to build custom skins to make it look like emails and such (yea, I know I don't HAVE to make it look like that, but my brain says You Gotta) and god, I just really hate coding.

5. have you ever made a playlist about something you were writing as an elaborate means to procrastinate when you could have been actually writing and if yes drop a link, son

I currently have over *30* CM character/fanfic related playlists. You should check out this masterlist for all the links plus summaries of each playlist, or just give me a follow on Spotify

12. do you ever have trouble focusing on writing? how do you get around that? 

Sorry, what? I missed the question because I was staring out the window and procrastinating again. The answer -- YES, of course I do. I'm AudHD and I live in a house with three other people, a cat who's an asshole, and on a street where multiple houses are being built. 😭 I try my best to be at my desk at regular hours each week, usually about 10am-4pm M-F. And I close any windows/apps on my laptop that aren't my writing one and put my phone out of reach. Then I set the focus timer on for a designated time and try to write until it goes off. This helps TONS.

13. talk about a writing experience that has pleasantly surprised you.

When I wrote what was supposed to be a Emily/Rebecca hate-sex one-shot, I didn't think anyone would read it. Then, when I expanded it into what became 'Do What I Want (Over What's Right)' I was absolutely blown away by the great convos I had with readers in each chapter's comment section. I even met a new best buddy via that fic! (hiiii @swpf)

30. most inspirational quote you’ve ever read or heard that’s still important to you.

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." - Dr Seuss

32. do characters influence your writing style?

Can do, sometimes. My style itself doesn't change all that much, I don't think? I mean, I can look at old fics and see how far I've come since first writing them, but that's less about the characters themself and more about me as a weird little guy.

38. how many stories do you work on at one time?

One. As mentioned above, I'm far too distractable to have multiple-WIP at one time. The exception to this rule is, sometimes, I'll crank out a one-shot while working on a longer project too. But 99% of the time, I only have one WIP going.

47. what story are you most proud of?

Forever and ever, Head Full of Doubt (Jemily, High School AU). That fic explores mental health, friendship, depression, and the pressures of being a teenager. It is my forever proudest achievement as a writer.

57. what is the last thing that a fic made you google when you were reading it?

While reading? Hm, this is gonna sound so petty, but I recently pulled up the fandom wiki to double check a continuity point in a fic. Not because I was judging the author, more because my brain was trying to figure out the timeline they were presenting.

69. how do you write emotional scenes? do you ever feel what the characters feel?

I have such a visceral imagination. I not only see my characters, but I definitely also feel their feels too as part of getting into their heads. When I write emotional scenes, I am usually sobbing myself. On the flip side, my partner knows when I'm writing smut bc my breath gets all soft and short 🫠

83. less is more or more is more?

Do whatever you want forever. Period. No rules, just do you!

84. said: overused or underused?

Again, do whatever you want forever. I use said/replied lots, but I also use more specific indicators to get tone across depending on the conversation and scene.

[hardcolorfest]

✨️ AM I PLURAL? ✨️

Please help me, I have gone back and forth on this for years, at least 10 years which is literally like a third of my life so far!

Please, I am desprate for ANY outside views and opinions, I feel like I need others to read my experience and help me understand why I keep on getting into this cycle of "this is plural/no actually its not."

EDIT: this is LONG and I ran out of energy near the end so the writing gets really sloppy so I added a timeline of events up top. I'm so sorry, this ended up turning into more of a vent towards the end, but if anyone wants to read my life story and give me... uhhh........ feedback? I'm sorry words hard now I'm so tired.

I'm getting tired of the doubting and accepting cycle, the "is this normal and I'm just attributing it to a plural thing" floating around in my head constantly. I'm going to try and keep this short, but I'll need to lay everything out so anyone can get a full picture of what I'm/We're working with.

First of all, sorry this is posted on a random empty blog with a title and description totally unrelated. I was going to use this blog for something else but the crisis in my/our identity keeps getting in the way of doing much of anything solid for the last like year now. That's how bad this has gotten now, I hardly feel like a real person anymore and I don't know what to do. Secondly I'm really sorry if there are typos or anything like that. Sometimes my phone autocorrects something and I won't notice that it's changed it to something really weird, like it sometimes switches "I" to "you" and so on for like literally no reason so idk.

Now on to the meat.

🌲

The timeline so far goes > 2012 discover systems > understand I'm not one even though I'd like to be > follow and watch systems online while reading any resource or information posts > learn about tulpas > "make" first tulpa > seemingly gains sentience and gets angry > leaves > 2016 reset > 2016 does not care about being a system > fuzzy memory bullshit here, none of it has to do with this posts topic > 2019 reset > mostly uninterested in being plural > in 2020, 2019 me decides to try make a tulpa again > goes surprisingly well, much faster than last time (which I barely remember at this time) > he eventually talks without my focused effort > I doubt his existence being real > he gets angry, we argue for weeks > eventually he disappears, vaguely sometimes feel like he's "checking in on me" > the 2021 fuckery (more trauma) > homeless and feeling alone > now have stable housing > vaguely refer to self as plural and make a pk and list out like 6 headmates including yourself as one and the past tulpas > goes well and smoothly for a while, everyone's pretty happy despite acknowledging past trauma and working on that together > 2023 reset happens > make new accounts again and feel upset about all these past events > is happy and having a lot of fun all year > occasionally still feels like the logged pk headmates are vaguely around but can't really talk to them much anymore > sometimes fully switches out anyway but not too long > remembers these resets happened before and makes posts to 2019's freinds > mixed reception and lots of questions, 2023 gets overwhelmed and never answers back > now I feel guilty

✨️ I will now explain in more detail.

So for the last 10 years, probably a little longer by like a year or two but I can't be precise, I've known about plurality, DID, tulpas and other concepts like this. I've also been aware of kins/therians/otherkin/fictionkin and so on and related concepts for much longer, 20 years or so, give or take a year or two again. I've never been very good at role-playing, and I struggled to "play" anyone but myself.

Since learning about systems, I took an interest in them. In the concept of being able to step back and let someone else take control. The idea was extremely appealing. I've been traumatized from a childhood of neglect and abuse, and life was starting to get to the point it was wearing me down to nothing. I wanted to take a break, to "die but not die" as I had put it back then. To "go away" with little financial consiquence and come back when I felt recharged. I wasn't really sure how I felt about sharing my life, but was willing to if it meant I could sometimes take a break. Gladly.

So I did a lot of research, quietly reading and observing people online. Maybe it was a little creepy, like watching a fandom from afar and learning what the show they liked was about secondhand through them. I think after I learned about how DID presents, I decided it wasn't really how I was at all and concluded for sure I was not and never could be a system since I did not talk to voices in my head, loose control of my body, nor have severe trauma (to me at the time, this is definitely not the case) and therefore I was not a system. I still watched from afar though.

I think I learned about tulpas around then. I knew I wasn't ever going to have DID due to my conclusions at the time, so I guess I could emulate a headmate until my brain thought it was real. And I still do think you can do this, don't get me wrong, I am fascinated by the human mind and how we process things and the nature of consciousness from a scientific level. I don't think its too far fetched for our brains to be able to do this, genuinely, even if I choose weird ways to describe it.

Anyway, I did try to make a tulpa a few times, maybe twice honestly, but each of them eventually got angry with me once they got to the point they could talk freely. The anger was about me doubting their existence after they were no longer being consciously forced and could do things without my input. Each time, after a little bit of arguing for weeks, they would disappear and I would be left feeling alone in scilence and upset at the fact that I ultimately caused them to leave me.

I have, in the past, "reset" myself somehow. I don't think I did it intentionally, I'm not even sure if there's a common trigger. It's happened a few times. It's happened in the past but I have no real memory of them except for vague feelings and fuzzy memories that feel like I'm seeing someone else's life. However I do remember more about the last two times than any other times.

The first of these was around 2016 I think, and that version of "me" now feels like a complete seprate being who has their own name, likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies, spiritual and political beliefs, and vision of themselves in terms of looks and self-concept. And then in 2019 that version of "me" got packed away into the back of my mind and suddenly I was someone else.

This 2019 "me" had some leftover interests, and of course had any knowledge nessicary to still life the continuous life that having a body and a presence requires, like knowledge of family and friends, jobs and schedules, and so on. It felt like taking over someone else's life, but none of their stuff is really yours. Their freinds suddenly feel like strangers, or at best acquaintances you could say "hello" to but really couldn't hold a conversation with anymore. Even interests and hobbies that carried over were either dampened feeling or the focus of that interest/hobby changed significantly enough that it wasn't really expressed in the same ways. 2019 "me" enjoyed art and drawing with a lot of the same enthusiasm that 2016 did, but with less of a focus on furry and more of a focus on anime, and in particular diving into the world of en ess eff double-yew, which 2016 was not interested in the least but 2019 was vigorously passionate about lol

The further back in versions of "me" we go, the fuzzier it gets. But the general feeling is the same. You wake up in a room with someone else's clothes, books, toys and collections and you have to fight yourself to not immediately throw them all out. You know that would just make them sad. And they do kind of pop back in, although usually only for a short time, a few hours to maybe a day or two, where you just suddenly feel like the past you is you again and everything from the name association, hobbies and beliefs come crashing back like a tidal wave, washing "current you" out of the picture for the time. And besides, they miss their friends. You think about their freinds from time to time, wanting to talk again, wanting to make the lingering sadness happy again...

Its happened again, 2023. I remember more clearly about 2019, since that was the "me" before me.

During 2019 me's "life" I went through another pretty traumatic event involving others who I trusted at the time, ended up homeless and really effed up. Obviously I made it out okay for the most part, I'm still alive and I'm here. I think 2019 me started dying around that time though.

And as it felt like 2019 me was dying, "others" started to feel like they were there. Past "me's" and the past tulpas and others as well who I never tried to intentionally create or who I remember as being a "reset." They would sometimes take over, like in that I would feel like I would suddenly be them and identified myself with their name, enjoyed their likes and hobbies, the dislikes, the views and opinions. And I wasn't actually "me" anymore, I was fully "them" in my opinion. Like a shape shifter who still feels themselves in the back of the current "you." Not really like a performance, like it was natural and correct.

At this point I want to notice we had stable housing and a stable job. Things were looking up around the time it felt like 2019 me was fading. While homeless "I" was the only one present, struggling to stay alive takes your full effort and attention and leaves very little room for thoughts pondering your potential identity. But after having a safe place to live is when we had that boom of sudden activity.

A lot of not much happens except daily life and occasional switches logged, happily accepting self as plural. Quietly too, I never ended up announcing it to anyone, and for most people we appeared as a single entity that just sometimes got into specific "moods." I was never actually interested in being loudly plural, even when I desired being plural from afar. Even back then I agreed (with myself lol) that if I ever found out I was plural we would keep it to ourselves and enjoy each other's company like an in-joke nobody else would ever be aware of but us.

But we did start to fade a bit, and after maybe just a month into 2023 everyone disappeared.

After the 2023 reset, I was left all alone, with all the knowledge of everything that happened. I felt again like a stranger in someone else's body, in their life. I knew inherently to keep up the charade and not tell anyone. I knew I couldn't just go up to 2019's friends and tell them "I'm sorry but you're a stranger to me now, like my sibling's friend's friends, and I'm really hurt by this because now i feel alone and empty." Nobody takes that the right way.

And I found a new fandom to be interested in so I could just pretend and "be someone else" and not have to address to 2019's friends why I suddenly stopped talking to them. New accounts, new personality. No name. Had several months of happy fun fandom time before the really bad feelings about abandoning my freinds and not explaining what happened at all to them started to set in.

Still, I was happy. I got to exist freely this time, maybe I could openly be plural online! But you know, the whole emptiness and they disappeared thing. It sucked, but I got little whispers here and there. Now that I think about it, I think they never really disappeared but just got super weak.

Whatever, the point here is I want them to come back but we keep having strained communication and difficulty with fuzziness any time any "non-me's" try to take over.

And I felt guilty.

So I messaged some of 2019's friends recently with mixed reception. Some of who just seemed like they were happy to hear anything at all after I disappeared completely for almost a whole year. Some who never really responded, Some of who I'm not even sure if they have seen it. Nobody really angry or anything. I didn't use any words like "plural" or "headmate" or anything. I explained it all as the past me being packed away completely, including the things they cared about, but still feeling that little sadness about it. Nobody brought up plurality either. I'm okay with that, I don't know if it's good to just suggest that out of nowhere to someone. But the lack of any question about that, especially from people who I know actually do know about systems, made me think really hard about if anything I expereinced here was even a plural thing or if it was just a mind trick I did because I was struggling with long lasting traumas. And I understand how ridiculous that sounds. I'm aware. I'm just trying to get it down in words that can be understood, it evokes that feeling of knowing you're right but fearing you're mistaken.

I'm so sorry I'm really tired and I didn't realize how long this post would take to type. I just got out of an exhausting shift at work and am so low on my battery words are starting to feel a bit strange for no reason.

So to cut the rest, the point in making this post is outside validation that I either AM or that I AM NOT making shit up because I wanted to be plural 10 years ago, or that I fucked up my brain by trying to make tulpas, or that I just discovered being a system through making tulpas I guess, or like what.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I am super upset and feel really bad and guilty and responsible for not being attached to anything from 2019's life, including their freinds and I have no idea why I have these "resets" and is that just a normal "living and growing as a person" thing or is that what splitting or whatever feels like or like... is that just me being an asshole?

Am I an asshole?

I feel so empty, no name, no freinds, no real personality except the emulation of an anime character... abandoned everyone I cared about for almost a whole year... its hard and requires a lot of effort to "be" the others, or even talk to them... I'm so tired.

[filmstudentingwithzak]

Colour Grade Complete

Just got the sign off from Tomas, our director, on the colour grade for the 'Office' film.

I wasn't massively happy with my work on the shoot, just didn't love the lighting and some other things. Had a meeting with Andrew, chatting about what I was unhappy with and which of these problems could be fixed in the colour grade. It was mostly that the actor on the right hand side was overlit, and that the opening scene (a one shot) was flat.

I really wanted to take this project as a chance to learn how to colour grade and develop my own workflow process. Max, who I've mentioned on this blog several times, sent me over some really useful resources, some people to read into, and this video about the importance of colour grading, I think it'll be really useful for an essay I'm doing on the effect of the change from film to digital on the two Trainspotting films.

I also used the DaVinci colour grading manual that's free online, Tomas sent me that over, and found it really helpful. From that, I've developed my own node tree that I use on every shot I'm grading. I start off by trying to 'normalise' the footage, getting a scene to a consistent level of light. I start off with the offset, then have a node for lift/gamma/gain. On this film, I added a lot of green in the lift, for it to pop up in the shadows. I liked the sense of unease it created and the contrast with the reds and oranges that dominated most of the shots.

I then move onto contrast, using the curves to usually darken the shadows, and boost the highlights, maybe shifting the black and white points a little. I used this node to help with the spots of light on the actor who was overlit's face, by just bringing down the highlights a little.

I then have a node for the colours, like hue vs luminance etc. To be honest, I barely used this one, didn't look into it as much as the other functions.

Then, I had a node for skin tone, where I'd check how it's reading on Da Vinci's skin tone indicator on the vectorscope. It was actually all pretty close, and I was happy with how they looked so I didn't mess with this on etoo much. In retrospect, it might have been bettetr to have this node last, as the other serial nodes might change the look after.

After that, I had nodes for masking. This was mostly used to boost the window on the right, making it more green, and to combat the overlighting again. I also had masks to hide a light that was showing from under the table, reduce the reflection of a light that we missed on set, add a slight vignette effect etc. The most work I did masking was in that opening shot, of the actor sitting alone at a high table. The shot felt pretty flat, and it lacked the feeling of being earlier in the day than the rest of the film, something we were really hoping for. After speaking with Andrew, I set out to apply some masks, boosting both the window's gains and making it seem like daylight's coming through them, as well as tracking masks onto the subject's face, one with shadow on the right and highlights on the left, to appear lit from the window. I'm pretty happy with how this turned out, I've got a before and after attached to this post, although as their photos taken on my phone of the monitor I think they look pretty crap. I'll attach some stills once I get the final film sent to me.

My final node was just for desaturating the film. In one draft of the grade, I had the film becoming more saturated as it became more dramatic and unhinged, but Tomas said it was a cool idea, but sort of looks inconsistent so we decided to scrap it. He was definitely right, it's way better this way!

Overall pretty happy with the grade, I was able to consider and potentially address a lot of the mistakes I made on set, definitely feel like a better DP for it! Got 2 or 3 projects I'm gonna try grade if i get the time over the holidays, and hoping for a similar experience on those.

[theselfelectedfrogking]

honestly sometimes I wonder if I peaked in hs. I kinda miss some (very few) things from high school like:

all my friends have different schedules now so hanging out is impossible (and also the one that moved abroad)

idk mb I was closer than I thought with her or mb it's bc she was the "crazier" (in a good way) or mb it's now that I'm out to them they act differently 乁⁠(⁠ ⁠•⁠_⁠•⁠ ⁠)⁠ㄏ

sometimes I also miss an online friend I had in 2020 but once I went back to our last chats to check the time of something and we weren't that funny the last months

now there's no one from my town in my classes (the only one I think dropped out) and no one would take the train every day to hang out

I've always felt like I need to be working and soon I'll have to do my stage/стажировкy again like I did in hs and it felt like a weight was lifted from me when I was doing it

in general my brain is trying to trick me into thinking I was happier then, tho that's wrong (I had a diary of how I felt for dysphoria and almost every day it was bad). ESPECIALLY bc there were only two and a half years before covid and that's the time I'm always looking back on, AND even then the time we met up the most was the second year.

what got me through the three/four years before hrt was the thought that I was going to get it and then I would be happier, and I am. Now the only issue I have left is top surgery. I'm the luckiest bc the closest hospital also has [as far as my EX therapist (so happy about saying this bc i didn't like her) said] the shortest waiting list, but the law requires me to change my documents first. We're talking about a gigantic difference, one or two years instead of FIVE. But in the meanwhile my friendships are a mess, people I'm not out to who I don't want to come out to, old friends who I have nothing in common with (not that we used to, but the group kept us together) . So I don't feel like I can be real with any of them.

And what about making friends after uni? that'll be even harder. I want to become a translator, I won't have coworkers I'm forced to meet. My main plan is to join a club(s), but that's an expense and worst of all I want to move to sweden, so I'll have to redo all of that. I knew making friends as an adult was hard, so I expected this, and I can use aceapp to make online friends (I met a girl I've been friends with for three years now on there) but you need people to go out with too. I have to fight against my own passivity now so I'll go out (I say this while having yet to join a nation in Lund).

this is just kind of a rant bc when I get this thought I can't think clearly so it's hard not to see everything with rose coloured glasses. I'm not going to tag this it's just like a diary for myself __________________________________________________

I think these bursts of nostalgia come from seeing my high school friends, I was just on a video call with the one that lives abroad, she just got back from our country and I'm having the same problem as when I wrote the first part of this post EXCEPT

I just miss them. I was trying to find a picture that reminded me of them or something we did together to use as my phone background but I don't think I have any (I tend to delete pictures often) but also I don't want to use one that reminds me of something we can't do anymore, or one with my face in it

I don't know which option would make me feel better

Though I do feel like getting closer to my other friends may help, I wanted to be more extroverted anyway