#if my face looks weird im in a lot of pain actually today emotionally And physically

[bunnyboy-juice]

cute bunnyboys r me!

[angelicmichael]

Imminient Annihilation sounds so dope, chapter nine.

Michael Langdon x reader

Summary: Reader and Michael finally learn how to communicate and decide to start being mostly civil and learn how to tolerate eachother. 

Words: 5.6k+

Warnings: Mentions of bruises and falling, unhealthy relationships, manipulation, reader and Michael are both pretty mean in the first half of this part LOL, some Millory flirting <3, extreme enemies to lovers, extreme slow burn, reader is going through inner torment like always LOL, lots of cussing, witch! reader

A/N: First of all - i just wanna say I'm so sorry for not updating this in like 5 months LMAO. That's why I decided to make this chapter a bit long 😌. Still no romance but, reader and Michael are finally starting to warm up to eachother so hopefully yall like this chapter :)

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Dull, aching pain was what welcomed you when you woke up. It started off subtle; faint enough to ignore until you started to stir in your bed.. wrong fucking move.

Your entire body was throbbing. Saying that you felt like complete shit was definitely an understatement at this point.. You almost wanted to think perhaps this could be a result of partying last night but then again.. this pain was different. You knew for sure this was not a result of being hungover.

You winced as you pushed back the covers and stood up, wandering over to the closest mirror as you pushed up your shirt - wanting to examine your ribs - where the pain seemed to ache the most. Your skin on the left side of your ribs had turned into a ugly, mixed palette of blues and purples. Turning around only proved that the bruises had traveled to your back as well. You couldn’t help but wince at the sight and let out a painful moan when you traced your fingers across your skin - feeling the bruises. What the fuck happened last night??

You let your shirt fall back down as you stood - puzzled and thinking about the previous nights events.. and.. oh fuck..

You swallowed as you conjured up the memories from last night in your mind; you remembered Mallory.. going to the party.. drinking.. Michael.. going back to his apartment.. talking.. falling.. and then nothing.

What the fuck happened?!

You roughly swallowed, your eyebrows furrowed together as you turned around looked at your surroundings - something you should’ve done sooner. You felt a wave of Deja vu wash over you; as well as a wave of fear. Being in a room with no recollection of how you got there was hauntingly familiar. Too familiar for your liking. However, you knew you were you.. looking again in the mirror reassured you of that but.. that didn’t solve the issue of how you got from Michaels penthouse to.. wherever you were now.

You stared at the room; puzzled. You were trying to put your finger on why the room looked so familiar; and then it clicked. The hotel room you were currently in wasn’t a penthouse but it still looked similar and resembled Michaels hotel room that you were in last night. Which could only mean you were staying in the same hotel.

Your heart stopped when you came to the realization that Michael must've got you this hotel room. That's the only way any of this made sense. You wanted to think for a split second it could’ve been Mallory who came to your rescue but, that didn’t make sense because you knew she wouldn’t have left you alone in the morning. It had to be Michael.

The gesture almost would’ve been cute under normal circumstances.

The room looked practically untouched besides the bed you had just climbed out of. Your phone resided on the night stand, and as you quickly went through your phone - nothing seemed tampered with. Thank god.

Although, there was a message from someone in particular that you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at. Of course he messaged you. You quickly opened up the message fully, reading through it rather quickly.

‘How are you feeling?'

You bit your lip as you crafted up a soulless response. At least he had enough of a heart to check in on you. I mean it was the very least he owed you at this point.

‘Oh I’m doing just peachy keen. How the fuck do you think I’m doing with bruises everywhere?? Did I get a concussion last night?’

You sent the message without thinking twice. You felt your face getting hot and your heart beating faster. You grinded your teeth; the fact you could feel yourself getting angry and agitated so early in the morning was beyond aggravating.

You paced around the hotel room, phone still in hand. You compulsively checked your phone nearly every second as you paced until you finally saw the notification you were waiting for.

'if we're going to keep talking about last night then it needs to be done in person. How about meeting me at the café across the street, asap. And bring Mallory. I'm not interested in talking to you alone.'

“Motherfucker," you muttered with a quick roll of your eyes.

Of course Michael wanted to meet immediately; it was foolish to expect anything less of him at this point, honestly. Luckily getting ready would be a rather quick ordeal since the only belongings you had were on you. You quickly paced to the mirror and attempted to make yourself look presentable before grabbing your phone and hastily running out the door before dialing Mallory's number.

//

Thankfully getting Mallory to agree to witness whatever torture Michael had planned for you wasnt hard; Although the pair of you were still confused on why Mallory's presence was required in the first place. But atleast you knew Michael was feeling better if he was still acting in character, being unpredictable as ever.

The café wasn’t hard to find; and neither was Michael. He sat at a small wooden table that was meant for four. A dim light hung from the ceiling above the table.

You grew increasingly more nervous as you approached the table. What could Michael even want to say to you that was so important that it had to be said in person? With Mallory?

A pit resided in your stomach - a feeling that something bad was about to happen stayed present within you even as you and Mallory sat down next to eachother. You offered to sit directly across from Michael, so that you could spare Mallory from having to deal with his crippling stare - but of fucking course, Michael chimed in and demanded that Mallory sat directly across from him.. and Mallory being the way she is obliged naturally. It made the pit in your stomach only grow.

You only wanted to cut all of the bullshit that you knew Michael was about to pull; you just wanted to talk to Michael and have a normal fucking conversation for once. Separation at this point seemed to give you a ridiculous amount of unwanted torment; emotionally, physically, and this point possibly even spiritually. You knew you were meant to be around him - there was no point in fighting the connection you two had. So.. that was why you felt justified in your choice of atleast attempting to have this conversation with Michael, and to make the effort that he barely had the balls to do.

"Hey, It's nice to see that the both of you bothered to show up," Michael sneered.

"Of course we did, Michael. I actually try to stay true to my word - it's not like you can say the same," you stated without missing a beat while maintaining direct eye contact.

You were aware that you probably sounded harsh to any eavesdroppers listening, but you remained unapologetic. You didn’t offer a smile with your words; and you tried your best to remain stoic. A quick glance to your right told you that Mallory was trying her best to avoid Michael's gaze still, most likely uncomfortable at you and Michael's vicious banter.

"Someone seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed,” Michael said with a dark chuckle.

“Ha. Funny," You spit out. Glaring daggers at him as you spoke, “As if you slept well either."

"I didn’t actually; but maybe you would've known that if you've been so kind to ask," Michael bit back. 

You gave Michael a long, scorching glare - silently cueing him to shut the fuck up and to consider someone else's feelings for once.. but, you dont really know if he was capable of doing that after all.. but it worked.

You felt bad for Mallory; who was awkwardly staring at her hands and fiddling with her thumbs. You could practically feel how uncomfortable this conversation was making her, and not to mention it was painfully obvious.

You weren't surprised in the slightest that Michael seemed to pick up on her sudden dispirited aura, as well.  His light blue eyes quickly traveled from you to Mallory; and it was absolutely revolting to see how fast he could go from having a expression of pure exasperation to.. fondness and concern when he looked at Mallory. It almost reminded you of his reaction to finding Madison after you completely kicked her ass but.. the way he looked at Mallory was different. It was more delicate. It would've been cute if.. you weren't in the current, complicated situation you found yourself in.

"Mallory.." he spoke her name with such softness your surprised she didn't melt right then and there.

They finally met each others gaze; and Mallory met him with a smile which Michael only mirrored.

"Are you okay?" he affirmed.

Mallory nodded, the smile quickly vanishing from her lips as she looked over to you, and then back at Michael.

"Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just happy you two survived last night."

This comment made all three of you smile, but yours was definitely fake. You were grateful that the weird, heavy tension that was between you and Michael had been temporarily lifted though. Maybe having Mallory around to mediate all of yours and Michael's conversations wasnt a bad idea.

"I-"

"Me too. I dont know if (Y/n) told you but, the reason why im bothering to meet with you two today is to figure out what happened last night. Due to (Y/n)'s track record, I'd rather hear things from your perspective.. if you dont mind, Mallory," Michael said.

Essentially cutting you off and once again from speaking directly to Mallory.

Michaels eyes, which normally looked soulless and held a degree of ruthlessness in them (in your opinion) had lost a bit of their edge and fury when he looked at Mallory.. but she didn't seem to take notice how interested he suddenly was in her. Right now, she just seemed flustered and put under the spotlight. Her cheeks were spotted a uneven red color from the unwarranted direct attention Michael was giving her, and it was obvious that she was nervous. Her black, painted nails were tugging mindlessly and restlessly at the thin, decorative gloves she was wearing. A typical nervous habit you noticed she displayed.

Your gaze stayed focused on Mallory but you could feel Michael's hot, glaring stare on you. It was only for a split second after he was done talking - but after that second, he was right back to Mallory. Mallory. His seemingly new, favorite infatuation.

It wasnt jealousy that made you question why Michael was suddenly being so nice to her. It was the fact that you knew Michael truly was a scheming asshole at heart. At this point you were guessing he was only being so nice to her because he needed a favor done.. the mere thought made you bit your lip to suppress a eye roll.

"I-I can try but I wasnt there for the entire night-" Mallory stammered.

She looked at you for support but all you could offer was another meaningless smile in return.

"That's fine. Whatever you remember will do," Michael pressed.

Mallory gave her gloves (which she was still fussing with) a quick glance and then continued; looking at Michael while she spoke.

"Well, it was nothing really remarkable. I'm sure (Y/n) could tell you more than I can but, I saw you get drunk. Incredibly drunk and then.. well that's it. I went back to Robichaux's after that."

Her words left you astonished. How was that all she had to say?? Where was the part where she came back for you? Wasn't she the one who put you into the bed in the hotel room you woke up in, this morning? You knew it was most likely Michael who put you in the hotel last night but, a small part of you was still hoping it could've been Mallory.

"Wait.. what? But that's not everything, it cant be.. I-" The farther your words progressively came out of your mouth the longer your sentence ran.. or as long as Michael allowed too before once again interrupting.

"Mallory.. I think me and (y/n) will be good talking about things one on one from here. As much as I've enjoyed your company; I can only tolerate so many witches and.. according to nature; sadly it has to be this one," Michael flickered his eyes toward you, obviously referencing you in the latter part of his sentence.

Profanities that started with every letter of the alphabet ran through your head at his attempt of trying to be sweet. He extended his hand out to squeeze Mallory's - and after she said her goodbyes, she was quickly gone. Out of the venue.

Looked like it was just you and your favorite villain again.

As much as you loved Mallory and cherished the friendship you two had - you were kind of glad she was gone. The fact you could admit that to yourself with confidence shocked you but.. you felt as if you had to act like a nicer, polished version of yourself that just wasnt truly you around her. As much as your hatred for Michael still ran deep, you were free to act authentic around him - and atleast now you were completely free to call him out on whatever bullshit he just tried to pull off.. and that realization that you now had no bounds was.. completely freeing.

"So, what the fuck was that?"

"What?" Michael asked.

His voice was raised in a defensive, annoyed manner.

"How you were treating Mallory.. what do you want from her?"

You studied the man sitting across from you at the table, and you smugly noticed how even he seemed to be more relaxed now that Mallory was gone.. He was slightly bent over the table now with his elbows resting on the surface, but after your question - he brought one of his ring adorned hands up to his mouth, a poor attempt to stifle a laugh.

"So you noticed," He commented.

You watched as he dropped his hand from his mouth back down to the table in one swift movement.

"It was hard not too," You said.

The predator like focus was lively in his eyes again as he studied you. He was moving a bit in the chair he was sitting in - fully shifting and angling his body towards you. You knew you had his full, undivided attention now.. but this time you planned on taking full advantage of it.

"But.. just please leave her out of it, Michael. I'm serious. Mallory has enough on her plate already, she doesn't need... to be involved," you added.

You struggled to find the proper word to use for last part of your sentence. Labeling whatever this situation was still felt incredibly odd and- just really added to your point that Mallory didn't need to be involved or kept in the loop about things anymore.. It was obvious that Michael was starting to finally warm up to you and.. it seemed he was almost starting to trust you too. Almost.

Michael solely smirked at your words and gave a brief hum as a placeholder for a laugh, like your words weren't worthy of being praised or encouraged by something as gracious as a full on laugh.

"Oh, Dont worry (y/n). I wasnt planning on involving her. It was satisfying enough just to see someone with so much power and potential reduced to a blushing mess.. but - I'm done talking about your dear friend Mallory."

You dont realize that you've slowly stopped breathing until you feel the slow but urgent feeling of gradual suffocation constrict your lungs.. Was it possible he was alluding to you, and maybe not Mallory at all in his last sentence?

Was it really stupid at this point to consider that maybe him flirting and being so stupidly nice with Mallory was just another manipulation tactic.. to see how you'd react? Maybe.

"I only.. wanted to thank you for what you did," Michael stated - finally getting to the point.

Your stomach flipped. The emotions you were feeling before were already laced with confusion and uncertainty but - pining how you felt now never seemed more impossible.

"What I.. did?"

You looked at Michael's body language for answers while he verbally stalled. Both of his elbows were now resting on the table, both hands clasped together as his cheek rested on them. He looked soft.. vulnerable too, but it still didn't compare to how he looked when he gazed at Mallory earlier.. or even Madison. The way he looked at you was completely and utterly different. It was the way that his eyes darkened whenever you two happened to make prolonged eye contact. You thought maybe his pupils could just be dilated but then again, Michael was nothing like normal.. Or that's what you tried to  tell yourself anyway. It was creepy to say the least, and deeply unsettling. Even when his eyes nearly changed to black; the rest of his face still upheld a sad, genuine, softness. You still weren't scared of him.

"Yes. What you did.. last night. You didn't have to do what you did but, I just wanted to tha-"

"Wait, you remember?" your words come out; rushed and sonorous. Striking like thunder.

Just the mere thought that Michael could've possibly remembered last nights events had your heart beating wildly in your chest. You felt the nausea in your stomach for a split second until you felt it start to spark up into your throat - you were only seconds away from getting sick. How fucking embarrassing was it that he remembered everything.. was he even truly drunk, at all?

The sudden, rash embarrassment that you felt must've been apparent to Michael because.. he looked concerned for you. His eyebrows were slightly creased and the light blue in his irises were darkened and swarmed with emotion.

You started to move to get up; at this point you weren't concerned with finding a bathroom necessarily - you just needed a fucking break. Michael's company was intoxicating; exactly like a drug.. no matter how much you truly hated him and wanted nothing more than to see him put in his place; he still managed to pull you in effortlessly. The type of territory you were headed into with Michael with purely dangerous.  You remember Cordelia warning you not to get attached; and you certainly weren't so far.. so far.

The affect Michael had on women (and men, and really all types of people) was blatantly obvious. He drew people in so fucking easily, he was basically a magnet. He was beautiful, charismatic, had money, and was goal driven (even though his goals were horrific, like ending the world) - he met all the qualifications and standards most people had for a boyfriend. Including your own.

You couldn't decide whether it was painfully ironic or tragic that someone that seemed.. almost built for romance was really made for destruction. Destined for it even. But you knew that if Michael wanted too, it wouldn't be too hard to just.. make you fall for him. You suppose when it came down to it, that's why his prescense was so overwhelmingly suffocating.

It wasnt Michael that you were truly infuriated at; it was what this whole situation stood for. Sure, your life pre-switching wasnt the best but.. you missed the normalcy and the routine. The lack of chaos was something you dreamed about. Now, you were beyond fucked - going from having basically no powers to being stronger than Mallory herself, as well as being destined to help set up your soulmates death was far too much to handle. But.. at the same time it wasnt, because everyone in the coven made sacrifices and you know that if any of them were put in your situation they would do it without a doubt or complaint - so why were you hesitating?

There was no denying that when you were away from him you craved and hungered for his attention, his precense.. and it was the realization that you didn't really care how you got his attention that made you try to finally stand up and leave. For the second time.

Michael put his hand on your forearm, an inch right below your wrist. His touch was soft but firm -  you reflexively tried to pull your arm back but he continued to keep you under his grasp.

"Dont go. I'm not going to beg but.. I just; need you to understand-" Michael's voice started to break.

"Need me to understand, what, Michael? What is it this time? I need to know that your being honest, you cant keep.. treating me the way you have," the words you were forced to chose made you squirm and bite your tongue.

You wanted to call him out on his pathetic lying but you chose a safer route instead. One that wouldn't burn his ego so bad. Being forced to tell a sort of.. half truth was annoying. It felt like he was in control again, over you, over your emotions.. and he was. He had total control over you, and it seemed as if he barely put in any effort trying to do so. Although, it was obvious he was trying to shy away and deny this whole.. weird arranged marriage as much as you had; but he was finally succumbing to the urge.. and so were you.

"I never lied. Every time I've seen you, I've never said anything that wasnt true.. but, I haven't exactly let you in - either," Michael's hands separated and dropped low to the table, his hands nervously fiddling with his rings. "I'm sure that your already well acquainted with my past or that you have pre-conceived notions about me but.. nothing in my life has been easy.. and that includes switching with you. I dont easily trust anything, or anyone so seeing how you acted last night.. made me realize that I want.. to try to make this work."

Flames of embarrassment licking up your body, first from your chest until the feeling infested up to your cheeks is how you first reacted to his words. Then it was shock that quickly numbed the feeling, like a acute natural anesthetic.. if only the feeling were stronger and could actually make you unconscious for whatever the fuck was occurring now. You licked your lips, completely uncertain of what you wanted to say but you started talking anyway.. letting the words find you as you went.

"I dont want to argue either, Michael. I never did to begin with.. and as much as I dont want too, I forgive you.. and hopefully you can forgive me too - along with Madison.. I'm sorry. I really, truly am and I hope you remember that from last night," as much you tried to sound confident in your words as you spoke, your voice unwillingly stumbled and wavered as your sentence drew on.

Your words came out quickly and unwillingly before you could even truly think them through logically.. Were you really apologizing to Michael, out of all people? The one person who had done so much fucking damage to you, and yet here you were - pathetically begging for his forgiveness. It was past heart-rending at this point; the feeling and realization of how much you yearned for Michael was hurting you, in every way imaginable. You had to remind yourself to not unconsciously hold your breath as you stared at him, but you only found kind - blue eyes staring back.

His lips slightly upturned at the corners, in a odd close mouthed smile. He made direct eye contact with you; Which at first you sheepishly tried to avoid but.. as much as you tried to avoid his eye contact, you surrendered and ultimately gave into it. After all; his eyes were fucking marvelous to look at -  and what were you really trying to avoid anymore, after all?

"I remember every word you said (y/n), and I dont take what you said lightly.. I know you were telling the truth and that it wasnt easy to say.." His words drifted off almost unwillingly as he ultimately drew silent.

You watched as he hastily licked his lips nervously; and your stomach did another flip.

"But; if you were open to this.. I honestly want to get to know you and to try.. to atleast be civil. But you have to understand that.. I need your full transparency. I have to know that this is something your truly wanting to commit to because, i-"

Michael shifted and twitched in his chair, and wore a expression as if he was.. insecure.

Even though all you had heard about Michael in the past was complete rumors and you really had no solid grasp on what had happened in his past.. you felt an odd, wave of memories pass over you - but you were well aware that they didn't belong to you. These memories were accompanied by odd, foreign feelings. Ones that were stuck with you for only a split second but left you nearly in fucking tears. What the fuck was that? You met his gaze again, and it's like he fucking knew that you knew how he was planning to finish his incomplete sentence.

You bit your cheek to suppress the overflow of emotions you had just felt, and it was working for the time being but.. you figured that was just another distraction. Something else you to had to suppress and fight.

You first sat idle, your mouth incredibly dry and your throat painfully aching. Screaming for you to stop halting and just to fucking speak. You then realized that Michael didn't stop because he thought you were going to speak.. he purposefully cut himself off. There was something he was avoiding here but.. still expected you to know. Since Michael apparently was so focused on your apparent 'relationship' you figured it wouldn't hurt to start putting effort in and take initiative.. right?

"You dont have to say anything more, Michael. I get with.. what you've had to endure in your past on why you would be so guarded, even counting what I've done to you," you take a deep breath in "and, I dont know exactly how committed you want me to be but I know that at the very least that.. I'd like to get to know you too."

This was as far as flirty that you'd decide to be for the night. Even though Michael's guard was apparently as far gone as your current sanity; you decided that there was no way that you were going to be so carefree when it came to handing over your peace to him.

The time whilst you waited for Michael to react seemed to stretch impossibly long. The minutes feeled like long agonizing hours; your heart beating impossibly fast in tandem with every agonizing second that slipped away.. until he spoke, naturally.

"Are you sure you know what you're agreeing too?"

You didn't shy away from his gaze this time.

"The same could go for you," you challenged.

A sinister giggle escaped your lips, but Michael didn't back down. His blue eyes looked into yours in a way that spoke more words than he ever was capable of producing out loud. It proved that even now when he was attempting to be soft and civil with you, he was still trying to assert dominance. Fuck that.

"I think I'm more than capable of taking you on, (y/n)."

You scoffed.

"Okay, so.. what does this all mean? Like, what does this mean for us, Michael?" the words you spoke burned hot on your tongue with regret as soon as you said them.

"It doesn't mean anything except that I just.. would appreciate if I could see you.. regularly from now on."

His eyes held contact with yours.. It relaxed you a bit to notice how he looked as if he was holding his breath too. So, you weren't the only one that was nervous, right?

You breath haltered; he was still ignoring your question. What were you two? You knew that Michael's intentions with you were crystal clear - for the time being he seemed strict on his 'friends only' rule which.. of course couldn't really happen if Cordelia was expecting you to still carry out the plan that she had intended.. which she did. Certainly she did.

"Yeah well.. Cordelia-" your words fell flat and naturally died off on their own.

You had no idea why you even bothered to mention her name. You knew what you had to inevitably tell him eventually about Cordelia; but you knew now wasnt the time. It was too soon, you needed to wait until Michael got more comfterable with you before you exposed the coven.. and that's if you chose to do that.

"Look, I'm not stupid. It's obvious how strong your powers are.. and your still scared of Cordelia?" Michael looked at you now as if you were saying a joke.

A insult burned at the back of your throat. You tried your best to contain the fire you could feel, coercing you to open your mouth and to act on your immediate feelings rather than on logic.. but, to respect Michael and how vulnerable he had previously been with you - you held your tongue.

"Its not that I'm scared of Cordelia. I respect her and theres a difference. You have to understand where I stand between you and Cordelia, as well as the coven."

"You have no business being stuck in the middle though - which is why.. I have a solution," the left corner of Michael's lips upturned slightly.

Unconsciously you leaned forward in your chair.. a solution? You flinched as you saw Michael turn and pull something out of his jacket pocket; and suddenly threw it at you. A flash of silver caught the light as it passed through the air. It didn't take long for you to realize that he threw you a pair of keys. What?

"W-what is this?" Your voice shook as it raised to an higher octave.

"It's keys to an apartment. This will make things easier; in terms of us having access to eachother and it'll wean you off of having the covens support."

Your lips slowly turned into a frown, and your fingers nervously played with the keys as you put off having to look Michael in the eye.. it was clear to you now that even though Michael had been pretty open with you.. Michael was clearly misconstrued about your.. exact situation and with where you sat with the coven. He had no idea how involved you were, you could only guess.

However; your loyalty with the coven really had nothing to do with the fact you couldn't accept Michael giving you an entire fucking apartment.. There was no way you were going to let him hold this over your head, no fucking way.

You held the keys up and looked at them in a unsure manner before flinging them on the table in Michael's general direction. Ignoring the many dirty looks you got when the keys clashed loudly against the table.

"Even though I appreciate the gesture, theres no way I can accept that, Michael and you should know that."

"Your being stupid, I basically have all the money in the world at my disposable - at the tip of my fingers.. Take the apartment," the last three words sounded as if they were meant to be a threat.

His pronunciation on each last word was stern and final.

"I can't just move wherever you want me too; you realize I'm still a member of the coven, right? And if I just leave- it's going to look suspicious."

"Do you want to leave?"

Your breath came out as shaky when you exhaled. Now that was a good fucking question.

"I.. I mean maybe. Its been hard to live there to say the least recently and it would be nice to get away but I just.. I dont know if this is a good idea," your voice shook as you spoke.

This was the most candid you probably had ever been with Michael. Even when you were intoxicated, you made certain that every word that came out of your mouth around him was carefully planned and strategic.. but, just speaking and telling him what you were thinking right off the bat was a bit nerve wracking to say the least.

Your nails nervously dug into the skin of your palm as you waited for his reaction.

"What's holding you back?" You heard his voice ring out.

Your gaze fell down from his eyes back onto the silver keys that lied on the table. You couldn't help but to think - would it really be that bad just to take the apartment? If worse comes to worse you could always just move back to Robichaux's.. right? After all, it's not like Cordelia wouldn't approve - it was her idea for you to fucking seduce the dude in the first place. And Mallory would surely be understanding, if anything she would probably be excited. Fuck it.

"Yeah no, your right.. I'll do it."

You snatched the keys back from the table in an act of defiance - even though it really wasnt because once again, you were giving Michael what he wanted. Motherfucker.

Taglist: @mindlesschicca @michaellangdonstanaccount @langdonsexual @jimmason @blakescoven @dark-mei-rose @9layerdevilfoodcake @prophecy-is-inevitable @matildaofoz @beautyiswithinchaos @frenchlangdon @instincts-baby @melodylangdon @littledemondani @langdons-pinkyring

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[jikooksoutro]

teacher’s pet

word count: 1.9K (WARNING; MENTION OF DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE)

jimin stared at his phone, waiting for a reply from taehyung but nothing. he had been standing in the hallway for about 5 minutes. he froze when he saw the drink on his desk. he had been joking about liking the person who had kept leaving him these presents but he was terrified right now. once he heard the text tone of a cellphone coming from his office he got truly scared. someone was in his office and he couldn’t bring himself to walk any closer. 

“t-taehyung?” he called out, hoping it was his friend playing a bad joke. no answer. he built up the courage to take a couple steps closer, not noticing that he passed someone on his way to his desk. 

“hey-“ a scream followed jungkook’s greeting along with a fist right to his shoulder. 

“oh my god?! JUNGKOOK?! OH GOD IM SORRY I DIDNT MEAN TO-“ jimin immediately rubbed the younger boy’s shoulder, his heart still beating out of his chest from the scare. 

“it’s fine i should’ve told you i was here. you got a pretty heavy fist there mochi” how could jungkook still address him so sweetly after what he did earlier?

“what are you doing here?” jimin asked. 

“i had to give you something” jungkook pointed at jimin’s desk and it clicked. no..he wasn’t. it couldn’t be. 

jimin reached for the sticky note sitting next to the coffee. 

“i like you a latte” he read aloud. “wait what..so you...that means....it’s been...no”

jungkook walked over to the couch the two had slept on not long ago, taking a seat. 

“hear me out?” he asked. jimin was dumbfounded but he nodded slowly. “yes it’s been me this whole time. my friend jin owns that cafe and he asked me to try his new creations before putting them on the menu so i gave them to you instead. i don’t think that’s important right now though.” he rubbed his shoulder. “i guess i’m here for myself. i figured you probably don’t remember much of last night which is fine and i’ll tell you anything you want to know but let me just tell you this first. i don’t know what it was but ever since i first met you i felt something really weird? wow that sounds romantic. um i mean i’ve never felt the way i do...ah. hold on no, i guess it’s just best to say it right? i mean that’s really why i came so i should just tell you but you ptobably already know i mean i think you do so what’s the point in me telling you because you read the sticky note too so it’s just the same thing-“ jungkook’s nerves were taking over him and jimin noticed. he knew he would regret it but he sat next to jungkook anyways and rubbed his thigh.

“jungkook, just say it”

“right ok yeah i don’t know” a sigh escaped jungkook’s lips. he thought about what yoongi had told him earlier on the phone. 

“i know you’re thinking about him and his decisions right now but think about yourself for a minute. i’m not saying that i don’t care about jimin’s feelings, but sometimes the truth helps both sides. tell him how you feel when you’re not drunk idiots. listen, taehyung mentioned that jimin was in his office. now, what you choose to do with that information is up to you but i think we both know what needs to happen”

“i like you jimin…a lot. i know it’s weird since most of our interactions have been during class or office hours but i wish i had the words to explain it?” jimin could see how nervous jungkook was but he also felt his own heart beating out of his chest. “i’m not really telling you for the feelings to be reciprated or for this to lead to something else, i’m doing it for my own peace of mind i guess. for the past four years i’ve done everything in my power to stay away from everyone romantically. when i was 15 i fell in love, or at least thought i did. we both struggled with our own issues but he had depression and i did my best to fix things between us when things got rough. i tried jimin, i tried to get him help but he refused and i knew i couldn’t do much. it got so bad i started feeling like shit because i felt so useless. i was emotionally exhausted, i couldn’t do it anymore. i was so in love with him at first and i saw how he changed. he wasn’t the person i fell for anymore. his depression consummed him entirely. six months before i had lost my parents as well in an accident. seokjin and namjoon took me in and they witnessed every shitty moment in my life. they saw how my relationship was affecting me on top of dealing with the loss of the people who brought me into this world. i’m older now so i can kind of reflect on it but at the time i was more focused on jaesung than my own mental health. seokjin and namjoon sat me down one night and laid out the facts. it wasn’t healthy for me and i knew deep down that i had fallen out of love long ago” jungkook began getting choked up, tears welling up on the rim of his eyes. he swallowed the knot in his throat, determined to do this. “so the next day i did it. i broke up with him. i told him i would still be here for him and do everything i could to help him but he refused. i betrayed him. i am the reason he isn’t here today” jimin knew exactly where this was headed and he reached for jungkook’s hand. he hadn’t even noticed the set of tears that had streamed down his own cheeks. 

“jungkook you don’t have to tell me any of th-“

“that night his sister found him in the bathtub and ever since then i vowed to never fall for anyone else ever again and if i did then i’d ignore it and move on because i can’t risk someone’s life for my own happiness” jimin’s heart felt like it had been ripped out of him. this boy he always saw so happy and giddy was hurt inside. worse than jimin had ever been hurt. he had so selfishly only been thinking about his own feelings towards jungkook but he never took a look at what might be behind this young tender boys feelings towards him. 

“i did so well for the past four years. people i met would be one night stands and that’s it. never anything more and never anything less” jungkook’s hand was being held tightly by jimin who was now feeling guilty it had to come to this. jungkook spilling his guts to him hours after jimin had broken his heart yet again.

“but then i met you jimin” jimin didn’t think twice before crawling onto jungkook’s lap, his arms circling the younger boy’s neck as he embraced him. it hurt hearing this. it hurt jimin so much knowing why jungkook had been so persisten in his flirting, why jungkook was so patient with jimin. jimin was special to him. he made him feel alive again. it showed in the way jungkook hugged jimin back. it felt as if nothing could seperate them in this moment. their bodies were linked together and jimin swore he could feel jungkook’s pain passing into his own body, he only wished he could take it away comepletely. jimin could see the tears landing on jungkook’s shoulder as he felt his own shoulder becoming damp. they both stayed there in silence, but it wasn’t awkward, it was the complete opposite, it was relieving and comforting all at once.

jimin lifted his head from jungkook’s shoulder, his hands linked together behind the boy’s neck. jungkook’s eyes were swollen and red, a sight jimin never thought would make his heart ache as much as it did. jungkook’s soft smile only made him feel worse.

“i’m sorry” jimin uttered, his hand sliding around to cup jungkook’s cheek as his thumb gently glided across. “i don’t deserve your trust. you just spilled your guts to me after i’ve been such a fucking coward towards you. unless i’m drunk then apparently i have all the balls in the world” jimin’s thumb reached a little higher to wipe under jungkook’s eye, preventing a tear from falling. “i can’t do it anymore jungkook. i can’t just sit here and continue to pretend that i don’t care.” after years of being closed off, jungkook was the one who broke down jimin’s walls. 

“just so you know, i already know how you feel. drunk jimin spilled the scorching tea last night” jungkook tried to lighten the mood, not wanting to keep focus on everything he just said. the only thing that mattered was that jimin knew how special he was to jungkook. 

“what? fuck. what the hell did he tell you?” jimin played along, adjusting himself so he was now straddling jungkook. his arms returning to cling around jungkook’s neck. 

“well he said you felt..what was it? an elephant in your stomach when we kissed?” jimin could feel his face becoming hotter with embarassment. “he also let me know that you like me but you’re scared of risking my scholarship which you shouldn’t be because at this point i’d risk it for you. it’s because of you that i’ve been so happy lately and even if you didn’t do it conciously, you’ve helped me. i’m fuckinhg scared jimin. i’m scared of allowing myself to feel this way but i can’t seem to control it when it comes to you. i feel like im a fucking child with a fat crush on a middle schooler”

“actually i think you mean a crush on your teacher” jimin finally earned a chuckle from jungkook. “you’re so cute” he couldn’t help but squish his students cheeks. “but jungkook, let me help you. everything you told me, i can’t imagine how hurt you must be but you have to know that it wasn’t your faul-“

“not tonight” jungkook cut him off. “if it’s okay with you, i’d rather not continue talking about that right now. i told you i came to clear my own conscience and i did. what happens now is up to you. i can go home and pretend nothing ever happened, or i can have you sleep in my arms again since i know you love it so much”

jimin leaned down, his lips grazing over jungkook’s. “stay” he whispered. jungkook’s heart felt content. did he finally get what he wanted? did he really just hear jimin tell him to stay, very well knowing what that answer entailed? most importantly, was yoongi fucking right for once?! 

their lips met for the first time without the influence of alcohol. jimin’s elephant returned yet again, telling him that it wasn’t the alcohol that caused that feeling. it was just jungkook. this was such a different kiss than either boy had ever shared with anyone. it was sweet and soft, it was genuine. their lips gracefully moved against each other, knowing exactly how to compliment one another’s actions. jimin sealed the kiss with a content hum, caressing jungkook’s cheek with his hand. 

“thanks for existing mochi” 

 34/?

previous - next

[happily-lost-in-oc-writing]

Broken Constellations chapter 2- Give em Hell, kid.

Word count: 2247

Cassie's POV

Valentines day! I roll over and hug the teddy bear I got last year from a girlfriend. That was one of the only happy relationships I had. I slam my face into the pillow as my dad opens the door, flicking the light switch on.

"Get up, kiddo. It's time for school. Wake your brother up too." He smiles and goes downstairs to shower and get ready for work. I get up and throw on a sweater and jeans, shuffling to get Zach. I knock on the door and alert the devil it's time for school, as I go back and get ready. Last night was a shit show, and in actually surprised Jessie talked to me. Jesus, man. That's gotta be rough. I yawn and grab my bag, shoving shit in it, and looking in the mirror.

Today is a new day.

I walk downstairs and count the change in my wallet to get a Soda, I put on my shoes and tell my dad I love him, before leaving and walking outside. The air is cool and soft, remanence of winter lingering around the corner. I rub my eyes, god this is a long week of the same routine. I get down the road before I hear a loud honk, and see a familiar black car pull up next to me and roll down the window: mythic bitch, Jessica Smith.

"Get in." She commands, looking ahead with a bored stare.

"Uh...." no way. Fuck this. What's she gonna do to me. I look around for someone to help me.

"Yes you. Get in. I'm giving you a ride."

"No thanks." I pull my beanie over my head more, feeling my throat tighten up with anxiety.

"Come on. It's valentine day, and no one will see. Let me be nice, bitch."

I groan, and begrudgingly get in. This is going to be a long day.....

She starts driving again and I stare at my bag, an uncomfortable silence filling the empty space.

Part of me wants to chew her out for all the shit she's done to me when I didn't do anything to her.  Part of me wants to ask her if she's okay and Tell dickasoarus-Rex to go to hell.

I choose option a.

"Why?" I ask, looking at her and keeping one hand near the door handle, moving my hair to my back.

"Why..?" She glances at me as she drives, waiting at the intersection of the school.

"Why do you all torment me? What did I do to you to piss you off so bad? This place is hell enough without you- and your- bullshit...." I trail off, looking away.

Her hands tighten on the steering wheel and she takes a breath in as she parks, and I wait for a minute, turning my body to her, and she stares at her lap.

"I see." I say, angry. I at least wanted an explanation for being put through hell. I get out of the car and walk through the back door of the school, headed to the cafeteria. Today was gonna be hell, for more than me.

It just depends on who starts the fire.

I walk over to the vending machine and start getting a Soda, when I see Theodore come up.

"Sorry man, im done he-" he leans on the vending machine and cuts me off.

"I saw you talking to Jessica last night."

"Yeah- crazy right- I can talk to people- ooohhhhhhhhh~" I wave my hands around like a ghost story, joking with him.

"What were you talking to her about?" Teddy looks at me, and I roll my eyes.

"Why, dear Holmes, I was talking to her about personal shit. It was an A-B conversation. So "C" yourself out of it." I snap, walking into the cafeteria before getting pulled back.

"Don't act so innocent. I don't see any good reason for you to want to talk to her. She hates you. She's a horrible person to you!!" Worry lines his voice.

"Yeah, well I'm human. I don't see a slightly-drunk sad girl and think "let's just drop her off and check her ass out as she walks away before driving around the corner!" So I think seeing someone upset, deciding to be a decent human being, and ask about her emotions is a good enough reason to spark a conversation." I cross my arms and rip away from him. "Don't give me shit teddy. You're my friend. Not my warden." He frowns and walks by me, his dirty blond hair fluffing around his tan face with emerald orbs, and a supernatural t-shirt. He and I met when I came here, we met through a friend and hit it off really well. His concern is well placed, but annoying.

We sit down and talk aimlessly, and he smiles and pulls out a large 2-liter of coffee and candy.

"Oh you bITCH I LOVE YOU!" I yell and hug him, laughing. He laughs too and hugs back. I reach in my bag and hand him a giraffe plush and a bag of rainbows.

"Get it? Cause you're a gay giraffe-"

"I'm not gay!!" He yells, and I giggle and take a sip of the coffee. Yes bitchhhhhhh.

We talk about classwork and assignments that the teachers gave that were bullshit. Queen bee and her friends walk in, and I notice the angry distance between Rex, Erika, and her. Those must be the guilty party members.

Amber walks in the mirror awkwardly, trying to strike up conversation without crossing any lines. It was like they had stepped on a battlefield made up of dancing around the issues and passive-aggressive comments. I raise my eyebrows and lean back on the table, looking at teddy.

"Oof. Look at that cluster fuck, like-"

"Yikes." Teddy agrees, watching. "What's with them?"

"The demon queen realized her empire was broken. She woke up to see the roses have thorns. The kingdom has lost their king."

Teddy looks at me.

"Seriously what the fUCK CASSIE?!?" He looks extremely concerned and I snort.

"Sorry- sorry." I give him a sheepish smile and we turn back to each other, talking aimlessly. I see Jessica set her things down and huff, talking to Amber and giving Erika and Rex the classic silent treatment. I give her a soft smile; and for once I see her return it.

Anger doesn't kill politeness.

"Seriously Jessica stop being such a bitch to me!!" Rex pleads, pulling her arm. She pulls away.

"After I went to find my friends what did you do?"

"I talked to my cousin!"

"Oh, so were kissing cousins now?" She snaps, and I "oh" damn. That was viscous.

Teddy snaps me back from my little zone out and I turn to him.

"Sorry- I got distracted." I shake my head,

"You seem distracted a lot. What did she do? Do I have to-"

"Stop, Teddy. Stop trying to be my knight in shining armor. I'm not a damsel in distress and I can rescue myself. Shit went down last night and she talked to me about it. She's in pain. Now drop it." I stand up, slinging my bag over my shoulder.

"Cassie-"

"Happy Valentines Day." I snap, and walk away, then I remember Jessica and how she couldn't answer and I get angrier and start moving faster. Teddy watches me leave and shoots Jessica a look, but I don't care. I don't give a fuck right now. It's too early to live out a high school trope. I rush to my next class, sit down, and pull out my books. Jessica and Amber walk in, jessica right behind me, Amber behind me to my left. The teacher talks about equations and steps, and Amber tries to snap my attention to ask for paper. I hand three sheets back and go back to work, keeping my head down, but I can't get her crying on the sidewalk, being realer than she ever shows, out of my head. It's tiring. There's too much going on and she should be the last person on my mind. She's my bully, not my friend, and everyone has a moment of weakness.

I lay my head down and groan, finish the page, and turn it in. Jessica throws a ball of paper at me. I groan and open it up reading.

"We need to talk." Well.

Fuck. that.

I pocket it into my bag and focus on the assignment for homework, planning out what we need to do for literature, and I smile softly at the idea of being able to discuss literature and get away from the world.

Today we're supposed to talk about Valentine's Day,

And I want to talk about how Valentine's Day is for the viscous.

I stand up and get a pass for the bathroom, tears forming in my eyes- it's the first day of school all over again. Crying over the past and what I'm missing. Crying over bullies and dicks and people who play with your heart for a gag. Crying because nothing stays the same.

God- I am a bitch. I camp out until class is about to end, grab my stuff, and go when the bell rings. The day moves slowly, inching minute by minute, and when it gets out, I thank god. This is too much weird shit for me to deal with.

"Cassie!!" I hear teddy call as he runs by me. I smile at him, walking out of school. "Do you wanna hang out?"

"Not really. I'm- a lot of shit is going on emotionally and I just want to nap, Teddy." I groan, rubbing my eyes.

"Come on! It's valentines day. Please?" He insists, and I sigh, Text my parents, and look at him.

"Fine. Where to?" I grab my bag strap and feel like shit, a sinking feeling in my stomach.

"We can go to my place! Watch a movie or something." He smiles, and I follow him to his car. My parents- begrudgingly- like teddy. He's a sweet kid. He's a good friend too- sometimes possessive, but, I think it's protective. We get to his place and I throw my bag down in the kitchen in a chair and walk into the living room. His parents would be home in an hour or two.

"So what movie are we gonna watch?" I ask and look over at him. He walks over and sits down, smiling. He turns on Gifted, and I smile. He knows me.

"Yessssss" I laugh and watch the movie. He subtly moves closer and I turn to him- he leans over and starts to peck my lips- I push him off-

"Woah- teddy! What the fuck?" I ask, pink and flustered. He turns pink and frowns.

"I- I thought- that's why you agreed to hang out with me...? On Valentine's. That's why we got presents-"

"teddy- jesus- I'm your friend- And- Teddy I'm gay." I tell him, biting my lip.

"You just haven't been with the right guy." He says, and leans in and kisses me again, holding my waist. I slap him and push him off, grabbing my bag.

"Cassie-"

I say nothing as I run out of the house. I don't want to see him right now. My stomach twists and I feel sick-

Not even my best friend is a safe place anymore.

I hurry and catch my breath, thinking. Thinking too much. Overthinking.

This day can't possibly get worst.

I grab my earbuds and look up how far the distance to my home is. 2 miles. I grab my earbuds, blast music, and start walking. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone: Jessica Smith gave me a ride, teddy tried to confess, and I'm being slowly dragged into the plot of a high school movie cliche.

To make things worst I can't get Jessica "Jessie" smith out of my head.

And I wonder what her hugs feel like.

I slap myself and walk in silence, letting the music think for me. After about a mile, I stop by the dollar store and buy a drink and some snacks, put them in my bag, and notice Rex and Erika hooking up.

Gross.

"Jessica was being such a bitchhhh" Rex says, panting.

"Ugh. I know right? She didn't even give me a ride home. I- I guess I see it.... but- still. She's not dating you."

"She's only in loooove with me!" He snorts.

"Right. So you two should shit talk her and mock her emotions. Classy. Why would she ever be mad? It's like you two did something wrong!" I sarcastically smile, moving them so I can get out.

"Fuck off, Goth moth. It's not like she's your friend. You should hear what she says behind your back-"

"I do. But I see the shit you do behind here and I figure at least she's not leading someone on and shattering their heart. Grow the fuck up, be adults. Honestly? You two are perfect for each other. Shallow and rude, and not realizing what you have." I snap, and they glare, cursing my out as I walk away. I just have to take the back roads and I'll be fine.

I walk away from the rude remarks and bitch fits and think about how ironic it was that I was right:

Valentine's is for the Viscous.

[fthnfrouz]

Hm so i just reblogged a lot of things since i reactivated this blog of mine hahahha. It’s been soo long. Tumblr is such a peaceful place haha. Since i already deleted my link of this tumblr acc from any of my socmeds, im making this blog my diary hehe. Just to clear off my mind from things.

So im okay, but im not. Hahaha. I’m doing so well in my studies despite the pandemic. I got deans list too. Like wow im astonished myself hahha. Im struggling mentally bcs i just unlocked my childhood memory haha. I’m trying to find my peace by learning to forgive my parents for what they did to me as a kid. For making me the mediator of all the chaos hahaha. For making me feel alone which somehow shaped me into the emotionally independent person I am today. But doesn’t mean I’m not grateful to them tho! I am! I’m just, hurt yknow haha. Allah says there’s beauty in patience. And there is acceptance in patience. I’m trying to achieve that so that I can live and love them again. I don’t hate them. I’m just truly broken haha

I distanced myself from my family these past few months. Cuz when i see them, i saw how i was alone facing things. I blame them for making me face that when they can just tell me to not go the other counterparts of the family. Seeing how happy they are and how incomplete i was, feeling ousted and don’t belong. And so the kiddy brain in me asked me to forget. Hush hush. Forget all the pain u lil tini. But now that i unlocked it, i feel angry. So i needa calm down and accept that past is past yknow haha i should be grateful to them

Hm as for my past lover story, pls i hope you don’t read this. But if you do, well just know im still in love with you since we met at your school’s workshop hahaha. He’s not my past, i still very much love him. Still attached to him. But i decided i get nothing out of no interaction with him and so i unfollowed him. Idk if i was just being all abt myself but i feel like he had a fake account and he was watching and just observing. My instinct tells me that or maybe i was just sticking it on me haha yea i think i was hahahhaha

I found his twitter btw but he went silent for quite some time now and im really both concerned more like worried, and curious of his whereabouts. I hope he shut down the social media to glow himself up and grow to be a more glorious man. Keep going student traveller you’ve got this *smiles*

Also im rly sorry for the weird interaction that we had on ig. I can actually talk yknow. It’s just that i was into you so much that i couldn’t put up better words for you.im better now that i learn the art of talking to other genders and human in general hahahah. Please take care and i wanna see you in love too. Marry the person that you see the value to interact with and talk your hearts out to that person. go go hehe

Yea i just could not move on from you bcs you’re a good person with good quality all of which i seek in a man. Your looks are just the additional spice. It was not your look that i was into. It was your eyes haha. And it still is now haha. Before this, i was afraid to love. Well daddy issues haha. But you looked kind bro. You still do. The fact that you play basketball too? That really makes you more attractive hahaha

Maybe you will change because everyone change. Maybe someone will come into my life and love me more. And i will try to accept that person. It’s unfair to find your quality in another person. So imma just try to love that man. You take care. Find your love! Haha

Hm about my life? Yea im pretty drained at my thoughts rn. Like i want to succeed but i also want to go? Yea. It’s wrong i know. But letting go and leave sounds peaceful to me rn haha. Like when you let go of your responsibilities? Yea. But i can’t do that. I am too clinged on to my responsibilities. That’s why im really tired rn haha.

I wonder what will my past self will see me as now. She’s proud,yes. But she maybe will ask, are you happy? Cuz i was yknow. Rmb our uncle? He made us happy. He made us forget painful things. He was our father figure. I hope you’re happy, adult tini. Hahahaha tears. Uncle’s not here anymore btw

Also im really grateful that I have my friends to still keep my sane during these online semesters. Honestly, I am really tired. They’re like the few ounces and the driving force to push me and keep going until I graduate. but hey! Doesn’t mean I don’t want my fast track phd. Ofc I do! It’s just that online school is tiring. And I can always do my dissertation better with physical class hehe

Yea so thats it for now iguess. Imma write again soon cuz this is therapeutic hehe. Bye!

[sleeplesssecrets]

oh my god i don’t even know how to start writing any more i am so unbelievably out of practice. im going to try to be loose like i know i used to be when i wrote on here originally. i had a haircut yesterday, i spent all day at the salon in the store i used to work at. my old manager asked me when im going to be coming back and i would like to i think. i like having a full time job and i like being paid for my full time job and i like buying things with my money on a whim and being able to pay off credit cards and buying things for my daughter and buying things i never could buy for her as a baby but can now buy for my son. my son. my baby boy that i gave literal birth to. wild. i hold him and he’s my baby and he’s a boy. it’s so weird and great. before i went back to work after having him i spent collective hours crying over not wanting to work ever at all. holding him is everything, clothing him and feeding him is everything, cleaning up for him and folding laundry for him is everything. my daughter is my everything too i hope that goes without saying. i feel like i have to say it with him, that hes my everything, because it doesn’t feel as obvious. im clocked in forty hours a week now, forty little hours with long generous breaks to nurse him throughout the day at my work from home job where i wear pajamas and no bra and make a living wage, answering phones to people with real problems i get to help them solve or understand. i like my job technically, i like it a lot, i feel important and helpful. i dont get up early and get ready or even dressed and have to go out in the cold to an office. i am very lucky to be a mom of a two month old whose desk and bassinet are in the same room. but i dont want to clock in. i do not want to. i want to cuddle my baby boy, only cuddle him. i want to wash him in the tub and put lotion on him. i want to play with him and teach him how to reach and grab toys. i have been experiencing this thing where when my milk lets down, it causes a drop in dopamine and it makes me feel actually depressed for about a minute while im feeding him or while he’s napping and my milk comes down randomly. i had no idea what depression was before. and i still dont because the feeling is very fleeting. i had no idea you could feel depressed. like feel it physically. i feel it in my hands. i feel it in my eyes. i feel it in my gut. it doesnt wash over me like anti depressant commercials portray, it is me. when i experienced it and noticed it for the first time it absolutely threw me. i am not exaggerating when i say it stopped me in my tracks. i stopped walking and i had to stare off and everything was not ok. not a single thing felt right. i was grabbing something for my husband and it didnt feel right. i was walking to the other side of the room and it didnt feel right. the time of day didn’t feel right. when it happens, whatever im thinking about will be suddenly very very sad. and im usually thinking about anything at all lmao. if you dont know, milk let down reflex happens at specific times in between feedings if you’ve started to feed your baby at regular intervals, but it can also happen when you think about your baby or hear a baby. so sometimes im thinking about him, my baby boy, and my milk will let down, and then i get depressed about thinking about him. and it hits so much harder than anything ive ever been hit with in my life. it knocks the wind out of me worse than falling down wooden stairs. it stings worse than having a door shut on my fingers. i am aware of it, so i know its happening when it happens, which does help. i can swipe the thoughts away if im quick enough to notice. but the worst has been when ive been feeling depressed like this when my milk didnt let down. when im literally just sad and irritable and dont want to be looked at. i feel like i can feel people thinking about me and it bothers me when im feeling this way. i want to be left alone and i only ever see a handful of people any more. i was holding him today and feeling this way and i cried on his clothes. he recognizes faces and will smile when you smile at him. today he saw me crying over him and he frowned a little. i apologized and and cuddled him and we smiled together. i put him over my shoulder and i started crying again. it hurts so much, it hurts so so much, its the worst feeling i have ever felt. i had no idea what depression was like at all. and if this is only a little fleeting feeling i get every now and again and it is this crushing, i can not imagine what people who have depression more often must feel like. when i think back on how my mom spent all day in bed when she wasnt working, i can kind of understand it now. i used to hate that she would wake up, work, and sleep again. she used to do all sorts of things, like read, play card games online, highlight her bible, print recipes and organize them in a binder. then slowly she stopped doing those things and worked and slept. she would work occasionally from home, transcribing her boss’s voice-recorded notes into word documents. it took her a couple hours every night to do and i thought it was so cool she got paid for working at home at a computer, i used to think it would be so fun and cute and easy. i didnt know why she was so quick to snap, why she wouldnt want to cook dinner, why she didn’t change out of her clothes before bed. i now sort of kind of get it. i literally dont ever cry. my mom will tell you that she knows im hurting if im crying. i might cry emotionally a few times a year, and i will cry if im in a lot of physical pain. now i cry most days out of the week. it does not get easier. every morning after i feed him and put him down for a nap before clocking in, it’s no easier than the day before. its the worst good bye every time. the first day back to work was rough, i cried as i placed him in his newborn boppy and tucked a blanket around him. my husband gave me a wholesome ‘we got this babe’. when he asked me how my day was after clocking out, i was not lying when i said it was the worst ever. i know i pretty much have the dream job as a working mom. i knoooooow. but i hate it. 

[aces-drew]

Fan fic/hc idea. Peter has nightmares about Michelle dying

hey anon!

i hope you are having a wonderful day and i also hope you have more wonderful days coming your way. thank you so much for the fic idea, i really enjoyed writing this and because i enjoyed it so much, it ended up being longer than i expected (i hope you don’t mind and it’s worth your time).

if you liked it, feel free to send me more fic/hc ideas, i’d love to get back into writing.

hope you enjoy it xx

SPIDYCHELLE FANFICTION

author : michellejonessparker (previously: onesolilquy)

word count : 2,385 words

tags : angst, fluff

warnings : none

MJ waited for her best friend to come back to their shared apartment; she was on the couch watching an old documentary as she always did, her hand tracing over the number buttons of the local news channel she was convincing herself not to enter into the screen.

There’s a sense of urgency in her, one that unsettles her every single night. She was never one to care about friends to be very honest, she kept to herself and mostly overwhelmed herself with objective interests like music and her education. But she found herself stunned at how much she’d grown over the past few years.

Not only did she have friends, but now, at twenty-one, she found herself seeking their company because one thing that Ned and Peter had been since high school, was loyal. They were always there when she needed them; on a good day, when she was really excited to share some resources she found on making information easier to grasp for the academic decathlon, or on a not so good day, when she had really bad cramps because of her period and aunt may passed along some chicken noodle soup through two spluttering, awkward boys that didn’t really know what to say or do when they knew their best friend was bleeding through her genitals. They were such dorks she had realised, but, very dependable dorks.

She had figured out who Peter was way before he told her (because she was definitely smarter than Ned and Peter’s shit excuses), but when he did tell her, probably about eight months into his ‘stark internship’, she ignored her heart stuttering at the trust he had in her and just took it as a very blatant opportunity to shun him for thinking she didn’t know. And she continued to ignore her heart stutter when Peter was being Peter for the proceeding years; she ignored it when he hugged her after winning their second decathlon, ignored it when he kissed her cheek at graduation, and ignored it even when they got into the same uni, hugged her for a moment too long and offered his apartment for sharing because she still hadn’t found a place to live. Basically, she was ignoring the way she felt about him, but that wasn’t the point.

The clock that was placed just above their tv read half past midnight, and she couldn’t do it anymore. She sipped on her tea as she switched channels, and the news droned on about spiderman successfully stopping a bank robbery and apprehending the convicts with minimal damage. She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

The location was twenty minutes from their apartment, so she gave it ten minutes before he came back. However, it was only forty five minutes later that Peter came knocking on the door, deathly pale and incredibly bruised.

“What the hell Parker, the reports said that there was minimal damage during the intervention!”

“Yeah, minimal damage to the goddamned bank.”

She beat herself up for the amount of concern she was showing, but she couldn’t help it because she wasn’t sure if he was dying or not. She went beside him to lend some support to the poor boy, he could barely stand.

“I’m not dying MJ, just help me clean my wounds and it’ll be fine. Don’t overthink this please; they’re only a few bruises.”

She hated him for that, how the hell did he know what she was thinking?

MJ had always commended herself for being difficult to read, but this boy was so good at it, and is was incredibly infuriating. Alas, she gave in to that she was told; to be honest, she was just really glad he was okay. After cleaning up his wounds and helping him make tea; because he insisted he could make his own when the dork could barely stand, they headed to her bedroom. It was a ritual of sorts; save the day, clean the wounds together, drink tea, chat, peter leaves to sleep.

Today however, something felt different. She tried to ignore it as she carefully placed herself at the corner of her bed facing the wall. Peter usually took the couch next to her bed, but today he sat opposite her. It wasn’t as intimate as it felt to her; the boy was just sitting in front of her.

“Okay, question.” he said to her, not really looking at her.

“Shoot loser, it’s not like we have all night.” She hurriedly exclaimed while she tried to calm her heart pounding with a foreign intensity.

“Uhmm, well, umm, I was just, umm-”

“Yes?” She tried to sound as confident as she could… as un-desperate as she could.

“Can I sleep with you today?” he spluttered.

Michelle was stunned at the question; it was the first of its kind. Sure she had been on a bed, with a boy before, ten years ago at math camp, but she was confident that this was a little bit more intimate.

“What?”

“Um well, I’m just super tired, and um, I was just wondering, because honestly walking up to my room right now, um, I was just thinking maybe, um-”

“Yeah okay, sure.”

“What?”

“Yeah okay Parker, how many times do I have to say it?”

She found herself surprised at saying yes; she had fantasised about this for god knows how long, but the reality of it was… confusing? Unexpected? Weird?

She didn’t really know.

So yeah, that’s what happened, after MJ got Peter his blanket from his room, she slept next to the wall, and Peter slept next to her.

MJ heard whimpers at first.

It wasn’t disconcerting specifically, but it sure as hell annoyed her, because if Michelle Jones loved anything (other than Peter Parker of course, but that’s again besides the point), she loved her sleep. So naturally, she was bothered by weird sounds waking her up.

She then felt a slight tremor next to her.

Now that disconcerted her, and it also successfully forced her awake enough for her to realise that it was Peter. She realised that her fantasies were far better than the actual thing because one, she didn’t have a lot of space to sleep with him practically invading her bed, and two, Peter was sure as hell a loud sleeper.

At her annoyance, she nudged him.

She did it again.

And again.

But it literally did nothing.

“Honestly Parker, what the hell?” MJ uttered sitting up.

When she turned to kick him awake, she saw something she really didn’t want to. Peter’s blanket was strewn on the floor, and he was hugging himself almost too hard, eyes shut tightly and shivering abnormally. She touched his forehead checking for sweat, evidently there, and realised that he was having a night terror. And from what she could tell, it was a really bad one.

She felt really stupid then; of course his responsibilities had lasting psychological effects on him, how could they not? The boy was turned superhuman when he was a teenager and fought way too many battles completely irrelevant to him. Peter Parker was unrelenting, compassionate, empathetic and someone who went out of his goddamn way for other people, no wonder his brain was trying to find an out.

She was at a loss for thoughts because she had never really expected to see her best friend so emotionally vulnerable, so unexpectedly. Sure, somedays he came home severely hurt, unable to move or walk or even stand; but never had she encountered Peter in an attitude that wasn’t witty and optimistic. Thus, looking at how Peter was shrivelling into himself right now, she was terrified.  

“MJ…” Peter seemed to stutter her name.

She let out a relieved sigh, he woke up. But before she could call out to him in response, asking him to hoist himself up to sit straight, he continued talking.

“Michelle no-”

He was still asleep. And now, MJ was more confused and more terrified than she had been before. She knew she shouldn’t wake him up, and she wasn’t sure she could but she was now full-out panicking and she really couldn’t think of anything else to do.

“Peter you have to wake up! Peter, wake up.” She kept muttering it over and over, shaking his shoulder but it wasn’t working. She didn’t want to listen to him being this terrified, she didn’t want to listen to him being terrified of her. She didn’t want to cause him this much pain, even if were in his sleep. It just kept going though, he didn’t stop.

“Michelle… I told you not to come… MJ no… he’s going to take you… he’s going to kill you, MJ… mj, mJ, MJ NOOOOOOO”

He was awake now. But he was screaming. He was thrashing on the bed, crying, and all she could do was hug him, and that’s all she did, she hugged him as hard as she possibly could, praying he calmed down, praying he was in less pain.

“PETER! PETER! PETER, IM HERE, IM HERE!”

She repeated  it like a mantra, through her tears, through his screaming, she just repeated it until he gradually calmed down, repeating it with a decreasing volume, hugging him as tight as she could. She just kept repeating it, over and over and over and over again.

When all she heard were stifled sobs, from both herself and Peter, she worked up the courage to say something, never letting go of him, she realised that she was scared to do so.

“We’ll talk about it in the morning don’t worry, for now, we just need sleep.”

His muscles had eased and he wasn’t shivering anymore. But her heart was heavier than before, and she was more exhausted than she had ever been. After a faint nod from him under the lamplight above them, he intertwined one of his hands with hers and hugged her with the other, this time, the oblivion was kinder to him.

When she woke up the next morning, with the sunlight invading her room through the tiny crevices of her blinders, she felt a rush of panic, Peter wasn’t next to her anymore. She gathered herself and walk-ran out of her room.

Again, she let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. He was at the counter making coffee, an anomaly because they preferred tea, but nothing about today was like the other days; the air usually of whole comfort was replaced with heaviness and a normally flowing conversation was replaced with a sense of awkwardness hanging above them like a burden.

“I made you some coffee, I know that’s weird for us, because we prefer tea, but I don’t think tea can keep us grounded with the conversation we’re gonna have.”

There was a lack of expression in the both of them, they were scared; Peter had never seen an uncool MJ before, and Michelle had never in her life experienced a Peter Parker like the one from last night.

“Thank you.”

He nodded. Everything was calculated it seemed, they took their ends of the couch; Peter took a sip of his coffee and began talking.

“They started a few weeks ago, I keep seeing Thanos in my mind, it’s horrible. He’s just as controlling and manipulative,” he let out a chuckle then, “I don’t think my brain has actually processed the fact the he’s not a problem now… Anyways, umm, the war that happened, even if it was a while ago, it got me thinking of what really mattered to me, and it’s become a PTSD thing, every single person that is in my life right now, the people I care about, the people I love.” he avoided her eyes. “They’ve been showing up in my dreams… well, nightmares technically, and I just see it every night, he has you, aunt May and Ned in the palm of his hands, and he just… kills you, all of you. Every dream is the same, but it’s a different person every night, it revolves around the three of you. And I just…. I can’t afford to lose more people Michelle, I just…. I can’t… I can’t afford to lose you.”

MJ’s heart sank at the way he stuttered the last sentence, he was crying again, and that was the worst thing because she noticed that Peter crying made her cry, and that was just not okay.

“Ugh loser, you’re making me cry stop.”

And finally, a breakthrough; it felt like they could breathe again, they both let out a chuckle. And something she realised, had changed.

Michelle Jones realised that she was wholly in love with Peter Parker and it was not something that she should be ashamed of; he was the most caring, loving, compassionate and giving soul. She knew then, that anyone in her position would have accepted that a long time ago, she knew that he was worth it, that he was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

And at the same time, Peter Parker realised that he was tired of sleeping in a different bed from the girl he had literally been in love with for god know how long, tired of not being able to kiss her, or hold her, or comfort her; tired of not having her all of these nights to calm his night terrors as skilfully as she did the night before. He was incredibly tired of it, and in that moment, his tiredness (ironically) fuelled his courage.

“Michelle Jones, I think this a good a time as any to tell you that you’re the love of my life, although I doubt you didn’t already know that.”

And just like that, the truth was out; it was an exhilarating feeling for the both of them. His palms were sweaty and he was staring at her all intense, and MJ’s heart was literally, all cliches intended, beating out of her chest. She still managed to keep it cool though (as far as she believes anyway).

“I think this is a given now Parker, don’t you think?”

“What’s a given Jones?” he asks, a tad bit confused. She smirks.

“I think you’re going to be sleeping with me from now on.”

[littleglassheart]

Fear

I see my Therapist today and it is definitely long overdue!  I’m actually happy that I finally get to see her.  

She makes a lot of valid points but the one that I’m thinking about right now is... a lot of things that I’m afraid of are so big in my mind but in reality, they aren’t that big of a deal!  What this means to me? Because obviously she said it better... is that I ignore a lot of things, like my health, moving, bills, etc because I’m afraid of it.  I just ignore them all together because I am afraid to know the truth.  The reason she said this to me is because I have an issue with overspending and not budgeting my finances.  The reason I do this is because its easier to ignore and hope its there, then actually look and see how much we have.

She made a great point... is it really as big as my mind thinks it is?  This post was triggered because I wanted to go into my bank account and then got too scared to do it.  If i wasn’t so afraid of it, then maybe i could learn to save better.  Feelings are powerful but they aren’t dangerous.

Sometimes our thoughts and emotions aren’t the truth.  I get cringy even with my husband.  

She mentioned is the reason I’m cringy is because he’s male?  I mean truthfully, I’m like that with my mom to.  So i know its not just cause of males.  But... at the same time, I don’t like any kind of attention from men either.  I don’t know... Natalie seems to think its because of my past.  But honestly, I still haven’t been able to emotionally connect the two.

In my mind.. I truly believe that the stuff from my past doesnt affect me now.  But what if it does and I’ve suppressed it so well and so deeply that I just dont know how much it does bother me.  I dont know.. but I hope that time will tell me the answers.

Be aware of an emotion without judging it.  Just think thats interesting.

If i refuse to look at my feelings and keep avoiding feelings, thats when they feel so scary because they are so big.  Everything overflows...

Like holding back the ocean.

I’m afraid of feeling.  I have been numbed for awhile.  

I think this all really started about 7 years ago.  Right when Bill moved in with me and my mom and step dad.  I think I’ve always been numb to my feelings but it was at least manageable.  I was loving, kind, happy, engaged in life, had a good social life.. it wasn’t perfect but it was manageable.  The past was manageable.

There was a defining moment when I think my heart became numb.  Poor Bill.  Innocent, kind, sweet Bill moves in around the same time I find out my step dad is cheating on my mom.  My mom didnt have anywhere to turn or how to deal with her own feelings so she took it out on me.  She’s always had an anger problem but it hasn’t been since high school that she was really ruthless.  Her 20+ marriage was going downhill fast and my step dad was gone for days at a time.  He lied his ass off and my mom was in severe denial.  She lived this fake persona as if she believed all his bullshit but i knew in my heart she knew better.  She just didnt want to face it.  So instead she’d get angry with me over the stupidest shit or for things I had nothing to do with. The longer my step dad was gone- the angrier and out of control my mom would get.  She would say the worst, horrible, foul things you could possible imagine.  She screamed at the top of her lungs.. literally scream, like someone was cutting her open or trying to kill her.  And all that screaming and anger was directed at me and while it was easier to cry it out and move on when it was just the two of us, something about Bill seeing and hearing it for himself literally killed me.  Every time she called me fat or worthless or bitch or threw something at me, a little piece of me died.  I couldnt protect him.  I felt severe shame, heartbreak, loss, major trauma from this and to make it worse?  I was being beaten up by my mom (not physically) for all the pain she was feeling from my step dad but at the same time, keeping the biggest secret of my life that I knew would send her over the edge.  So I was defenseless in so many ways and yet I couldn’t tell her that I knew he was cheating.  It was a lot to handle.  A lot.  

What i said just wrote to my husband

Remember when we lived on Horatio and my mom would loose her mind and scream at me.  Like literally scream.  Saying awful, horrific things to me at the top of her lungs and slamming shit? Remember in the beginning I would go into the room and sob... i would fall to my knees and sob.  You were so helpless, there was nothing you could do to protect me.  And i knew you wanted to.  I knew when we first started dating and you lived there that you wanted to say something, i remember vaguely times when you first experienced all that fighting that you were angry and I had to beg you not to say anything.  I kept telling you that you would only make it worse.  I think i even threatened you not to.  Like, "oh if you dare confront her I'll leave you" sort of shit.  I might be wrong.  But you knew i was serious about it.  So you never did.  I remember you wanted to.  I feel like I should have let you.  From the very beginning I emasculated you, emasculated as in...  made you keep quiet, stay in the shadows, not say anything... and you didnt.  You did exactly what I asked and maybe that wasn't the right thing to do.  Maytbe i should have but I was so scared of her and I had nowhere else to go and in a new relationship... I was SOOO scared of how she'd react.  Things were hard enough.  And here we are.. years later and one of my biggest gripes I have with you is the fact that you dont stand up for me.  (not an issue right now) but just in the past you know?  And I think back and im like, DAMMM I'm part of why you dont.  I dont know.. i know the reason I am the way I am now is because of what transpired while we were in Horatio and part of Victoria.  The shit that happened with my mom and step dad was unbearable.  She was literally abusive.  And all the while i was hiding this secret because i still wanted to protect her.  Fucking insane.  I have a looooooong ways to go but i'll get there.  Natalie (my therapist) said.. I'm afraid of feeling.  she said... "If i refuse to look at my feelings and keep avoiding feelings, thats when they feel so scary because they are so big.  Everything overflows...  Like holding back the ocean."  She said, "when i get awkward or cringy or weirded out by you or others, its not really you that caused it..." Its all the years of being numb.  Numb to sadness and numb to happiness.  I never thought about it before... but shes right, I dont just fear the bad things, I fear the good to.  I don't like to feel either one.  She really is changing my life.  And here we are, and I dont even want you to respond LOLLL because I dont want to feel the cringe from what you'll have to say.  LOLLLL but i'll get there with time.  I will.

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 80

Yayyyy “Eighty”. Lol im just glad theres no ‘7′ anymore! I Hate 7, but then about the number of days increasing? um ok thats a weird thing to think about ‘-’ Erm i guess you know the idea that the number is just getting bigger every day makes me feel like erm times just passing on and on and on non-stop but then idk. Maybe you could look at it from the other end, and take it as, with the passage of time youre getting closer and closer to the other end. Other end? well yeah, i mean idk what that is, but there must be something awaiting worth to be taken as the end to this count! 

Maybe one of my talents is blabbering BS :) 

So ive been kinda eating. Like low calorie food. But. food. Like not “one apple and around 10 almonds and tea per day” sorta thing. But like, my food portion was actually enough to stretch my stomach a tiny bit or more like tough my stomach walls :) 

So theres this thing within me. Stuck. Like I want something, i need something. And i am not getting it. And i want it. I want it so badly. But ik thats not happening right now, no way. But i cant silence this inner rush within me. Its like stuck in me, fighting to come out. Its like pushing against my skin, trying to fight its way out. Trying to tear me apart, trying to make me scream. BTW - this is not pain or some huge cry of sadness. Its this adrenaline rush, this thirst for an outburst of excitement, this void sucking you into a loophole of -idk what- Oh.god.please.pull.me.out.of.this. Lol! Or i could just say all that in one sentence - Its freaking hard to stay patient- Mentally/ emotionally keeping cool is one hell of a work! It just keeps coming at you, trying to suck your inner peace away

I guess 2 days back, I got so desperate all of a sudden LIKE GOD, i need to lose weight asapppppp! and started googling all BS stuff which i guess works yeah but is not healthy and like even the ‘internet’s all - do not do this, it is not good - and shit. Well after that, i kind of accepted it that yeahh yeahh yeah owwkaaayyy i get it, like actually ‘losing wight in a healthy way’ takes time and stuff and okay okay ill stay calm and okay okay ill stay committed & blablabalba Cause like you know about that argument - food vs body????? so yeah i LOVE food. food is like so important to me, its almost as important as human beings to me, i mean i have top 4 people i love, and then i need food & then...well no, i think i need money after my favourite humans cause like! If you have money, you have food, and once you have food, you still have money so you can go shopping and buy whatever you want - and yes what else do i want? Exactly :) :) :) 

Okay so about today! Hmph so decided to go to the hospital but then tada my mom & bro had took appointments too, for today in some other hospital. And so went to theirs first and then went to mine which is like soo far awaayyy and i usually go their with dad cause like why pull everyone along with me, theyll just get bored but then today they just had to come along cause like they had to go to their hospital first and all that. so unluckily, the computer crashed or something in my hospital and they asked to wait, and it was late and my bros and mom were like so bored so thought of dropping them at some mall and then coming back and checking if their computer started working but then ended up deciding to go again tomorrow so UGH hospital again tomorrow! 

And right now my tummy is full so i cant work out so i guess Ill wait till after fajr. plus anyways it doesnt matter whether i sleep right after fajr or a bit later, i usually dont get out of bed before 2 30pm or almost 3pm and thats cause at 3pm enough is enough and i NEED to get up to not miss zuhr. behehehe but cmon riyadhs heat right now. maynnnnnn I mean seriously ytf would anyone even bother getting out of bed during the day unless like you HAVE A GOD-DAMN reason ‘-’ 

Now my head just went empty all of a sudden lol idk what to write xD theres this one thing but im not in the mood for it right now. 

OH in case all my ‘inner void’ and ‘hard being patient’ stuff seemed confusing - i just miss him a lot. Nothing new :) And guess what, i guess its just easier, WAY easier to accept it :) :) :) 

idk why i keep giving this smiley a lot out of the blue but trust me i have a poker face most of the day. i mean im all poker face or im stupid and goofy pretending like life is actually really easy and shit and im nailing it :) but then i go back to being all poker face real soon so im okay! 

Oh so I read the Quran with the english translation and commentaries after fajr today. It was mind blowing <-- i wish i had better words to use but from all the ones i have, i guess that works. I read a bit. definitely didnt read the translations duh i mean thats some old weird english i wont even get most of it. but the commentaries good. Planning on continuing, a little a day! 

oh another thing that comes with the hard staying patient and wanting something to happen but knowing it wont and all that is. ACCEPTING that life is all highs and lows and many of the times its pretty boring, i mean lifes not a ‘movie’ cause trust me i dont i ever saw people in movies having a boring day. Idk i mean i just want every day to be like eventful and all lively and stuff but then this life is not supposed to be that way. but then i mean, ugh its SO HARD to breathe when its boring :) 

ok enough. 

p.s. other than movies, i guess 5 year olds or even youger have pretty exciting lives too :) and then.. ONE DAY.. heuheuhehueheuu muahaha *stupid evil laugh* 

Ok bye :):):):):):):):):)

[cyanpeacock]

Realtalk(tm): Pain.png

ok so hello again my good and loyal scrubs.

im in pain again today? and like, as is frequent, not understanding its source very well or what to do about it very well

and i think maybe, all i can do is accept it? if the pain isn’t going away despite, like, changing activities, and drinking water, and eating, then is it just, like, i can’t avoid it? can’t get away from it?

a lot is like, the pain of that little kid who got pulled around physically and verbally and emotionally. a lot of like, this pain can’t be real, i’m just, you know, acting, or faking, or something.

but like... this doesn’t benefit me at all. i’ve tried acting happy! i do not feel happy, i feel very sad, and the smile comes out all sad. i can’t, like, beam on command. so, i suppose i am just sad and in pain. and i can’t change that, only manage it.

my head hurts like I might get a full-on migraine but idk yet.

some of the pain is also the pain of a young man who didn’t, like, even realise yet that what he was going through was abuse, so he was transferring it onto others he did “love” but couldn’t love healthily, and really doing his best to apologise when it was made known to him he was hurting people, but didn’t understand there are some things an apology can never heal. 

there is also the pain of an older younger man who bonded through trauma with someone, and while that person was a wonderful amazing woman so often, she really hurt him, like, so much, by denying some of his real actual experience of pain, instead of validating it. and i don’t know for sure, because this is a conversation that may never happen, but i’m pretty sure i did the same to her? 

and then like, my mother’s voice is there, saying, “you’re making this up,” “stop exaggerating,” “i think you’re overreacting.”

but like, on Counselling Day this week, i told my counsellor i hated my mother? and saying that now brings me a sense of... weird relief. no more guilt. because i felt it so often. i felt, i fucking hate this woman, i hate what she’s doing to me, i hate that i can’t escape-- and then it was time to like, go downstairs, and she’d be all... how she was. “I love you really.” “You’ll understand later.” “You’re being silly.”

like... i never said that before? not even to my counsellor, who i’ve been seeing for literally like, four years, on and off? is that how deep she made me bury those extreme fucking feelings, for her comfort?

i’m still really like... disconnected from my body. eating and sleeping and like, shit like how much weight i can carry without literally crying and stuffing it back down again, is evading me. but, like, it’s kind of making sense as to why it’s so difficult now.

and i keep thinking! like, why can’t i just “pack it up!”, you know?! why can’t i just shove this all away and hide it like i used to!

well, uh, i did that for so long, again, that the cardboard box exploded, and i went completely fucking manic and psychotic in the street.

and i thought my grandad would help me, you know? give me a room to stay in? at least help me get a supervised stay in a hospital? and he didn’t.

the psychiatrist i saw before the incident took off also didn’t help me. and recently, i learned a lot of other people have had Major Problems with the guy. like, major confidentiality breaches, disclosure of serious personal trauma to entire rooms full of very uncomfortable people who knew they shouldn’t be hearing this. but because he is the consultant psych for my area, the top dog, i don’t know what anyone can do about that?! we’re all sick! we barely have the energy to live, let alone complain enough to kick him out of health services!!!

it fucking shakes me, right. it was his eyes? like, i’m a masochist, i’ll share that pretty freely on here. and i’ve known self-proclaimed sadists and sadistic people, very well, actually. they have this weird, like... it’s like, it’s not even the look a predatory animal has. it’s literally just a human being who takes joy in observing other human beings in horrific pain. like, they laugh at videos of men being thrown in wood chippers, or hit by cars. actual things i have seen. it’s a total absence of empathy.

this “doctor” had that fucking look. he looked just like NBC’s hannibal lecter. “Mmm, fascinating.” a really good front of “professional curiosity,” but like, dude, i saw how his legs were crossed, and how his face tightened to hide a smile. i’ve seen these things on other, dangerous, prejudiced people.

i have been dangerous and prejudiced. i’m still capable of being these things. but i do everything i can to catch myself in those moments, and counter the dangerousness and the prejudice. this guy just, you know, said there was nothing he could do to help me, when i was literally going full insanity, you know?

i’m realising i’ve been drawn to people with that look behind their eyes, thinking i can trust them, when actually i can just recognise them. i had suspicions about my grandfather? he’s always been very... uhm, you know, attracted to “exotic” places, objectifying cultures and people, displaying sacred totems and caricatures of sacred totems that bothered me in a way i couldn’t articulate, but was aware of. i found them beautiful too! they were beautiful items. it was just... the way he talked about “the locals” and not “the people.” disconnected. physically he lived well? 

so yh i looked at that, i thought, this seems healthy enough? but inside, i don’t think he’s doing so hot with humanity. apparently counsellors should never offer to counsel a family member, and he did that for me. i turned it down, knowing that would be way too weird, and i couldn’t tell him shit, because he’d probably tell claire.

of course, the recent thing where he lost it with me, and indirectly sent me home in the dogbox of a cop car means i won’t be contacting him again, as far as i can control it. he had this like, furious, “no-sympathy-for-you-you-lying-breaking-in-thief” look on his face. like he thought i must be on crack and lying about it, or something, when really i was on no drugs at all, psychotic, and having a horrible flashback to hiding beside the washing machine as a kid waiting for somebody to grab me and hit me. 

i get why people go to that place. it’s cheap and easy power to laugh at others’ misfortune. but like, i can’t laugh at that. i can go “OH my god AHAHA WOW FUCK. he got, he got ATE.” if i’m beside one of those people, to hide and stay safe, but i can’t ignore the like... wow, fuck, my body feels that, fuck, there went his leg, shit, i recognise that, that’s brain-- thing i get, which i suppose is empathy? feeling what another feels?

the sadist i knew best preyed on empathic people, and boasted he was an empath himself to confuse the hell out of his targets. i literally never saw him display empathy, he always responded with a different emotion, instead of feeling the same? but like, i’d had that before, from my masochistic mother who was dealing with abuse by being the cruel one with power, so yeah.  

i did that too. i fucked a life up, maybe two, i don’t know. i was still really young when it happened, and couldn’t know better, because i’d never seen better.

i had to understand that about my mother before i could understand it about myself, because of “imagine how I feel!”

so yeah, i spotted the cycle of abuse, i’m fucking, trying to cope with how quickly it’s turning in my mind, because i suppose love is appropriately balancing behaviours in order to foster... well, nurturing? i’m trying to nurture what i’ve got back to health.

and like, uh, my mind is on fire. i can learn like hell, always have done, always will do. my emotions? also on fire now, instead of, like, almost completely extinguished. because... well, like, i can’t let them go out. that’s how i hurt somebody again, that’s how i destroy another life. that might be why some or all of the sadists i know, and in the world, are Like That. they hurt so much they put their feelings out so they can feel power again. because, yeah, control over emotions borne from extreme, life-or-death situations? there isn’t any. it was life-or-death, man. your body just Acts. 

it’s really frustrating, because... i can write about these things really well. i can sing about some of it, but only to myself, with the door open, hoping somebody will hear, but too scared to sing in front of another body, even though i know somebody will need to hear those songs, and cry, or smile, or feel nothing. i can speak about it, but SO goddamn slowly, it takes ages to get through the questions. thinking about it? jesus christ, only if i think like a machine, literally like the pistons of an engine keeping the same beat the whole time.

acting about it? holy fuck. what the hell. uh, so, my body is-- it’s telling me a thing. i can sing about it. i can write about it. i can learn about it. but i’m hungry, man! how do i... okay, slowly talking to myself. i need... what do i have? things that need cooking. but the pan is heavy! it hurts my wrists! but i need food. but my shoulder hurts too, so... do i make it hurt more? do i not eat? but i need food. but if i make food, my shoulder and wrist hurt more. and then i slip into confused loops of thinking until something gets intense enough to force the body to just, Do An Action.

part of me is thinking, well, if i can write about this shit here, do i really need a counsellor any more? 

but like, looking at him, i see he’s still really worried about me. because yeah... no social support network, can’t eat or sleep on a schedule, retreating hella deep into fantasy and creative pursuits and learning about very complicated things every day... i mean, it has its benefits, but i’m basically a hermit. and i really, REALLY want to be able to WORK in a LABORATORY. which means, teamwork.

the last time i did a group project was, uh, well. i haven’t done one since because of what happened? i had a whiteout as it was my turn to present and just, bolted. disappeared for the rest of the presentation, showed up at the end to apologise to the module convener. i was shaking like hell for... shit, the whole way home, i probably smoked pot until i blacked out, told my personal tutor i couldn’t do THAT again. bc i forced myself, thinking, I Have To Do This No Choice. 

turns out, they would have let me not do it if i’d explained. but i was really thinking Oh Fuck I Have To Try.

i’ve got another group research project coming up, but that will be not this academic year, but the next. hopefully by then i will have been to group therapy and... uh, articulated this stuff to other people who are going through it, in person? in a healthy way? there’s gonna be a supervisor there, apparently, and i’m so scared, but i know i gotta go. i can’t avoid this forever. i can’t get better alone. i wanna be able to connect with others who have lived like this in person, not just on here?

i keep “choosing” to be alone, but it’s not much of a choice, really, because i know how much... well, shit. put it this way. i’m feeling So Goddamn Much all i can do is cry in the street and sometimes sing a few lines while nobody is around to really hear the song. bc part of emotional regulation is emotional expression, and i know full well i’ve felt these feelings out in the street before, but haven’t been able to express them at all. like, i just, felt without feeling. disconnected entirely.

i can’t live that way forever. if i do that, i know i’ll lash out at people in numbness, because i won’t be able to register my own intensity.

i tried getting rid of the intensity? you know, an antipsychotic, allegedly mood stabilising, but seriously. for me... i felt so flat and slow and stupid after the dose passed like, 50mg? i’m thinking, man, actually, maybe i need this intensity, otherwise i’m never gonna properly process and express my traumas, which i’m aware i need to do to... well, get to a point where i can Work Happily In A Lab.

i know it’s not happily ever after! i know if i get there, i’m still gonna be striving for more, because everybody wants to grow, and everybody wants to go up. but really, it would be... like, it would be so much. it’s why i’m clinging on. it’s why i’m still alive after almost 22 years of... well, predominantly pain. 

but i gotta get out of pain to get there. slowly, because it doesn’t all change at once.

i’m still not sure how acceptance works? how do i accept this pain. it’s still fucking rocking my damn boat every day. if i capsize, that’s suicide, you know? and i’m well aware that one more trauma could be the one that kills me. but i don’t want it to be. it might just... you know. seem like the only way out, again.

because i am one of the lucky ones. i did run away, then i ran away again, then i got a room in a hostel instead of being on the street for years, and happened to come across an amazing counsellor who will see me for free when things get bad enough i run out of money, and i got an unconditional offer from the university that are saving my god damn Hopes and Dreams and life.

but i’m also one of the unlucky ones. i had to run away, twice. i was homeless. i had to find a private counsellor, because the NHS wouldn’t or couldn’t get me help before the next time i tried to kill myself. i ended up in massive prescription debt, and emergency loan debt to the university, which they’re going to try and pay off, but like-- it’s debt, man, like, thousands. maybe ten. i couldn’t even read all the letters, i had to get a welfare officer to do it for me. 

and PIP... are checking boxes. instead of looking at my life. i’m able, to keep coming here, to the university i’m sitting in right now, and learning, because I Find Ways. but the Ways i’m Finding are... so difficult. they could be SO much less difficult. all i need is money, man. so i can afford food that’s easy to prepare and eat. so i can afford transport. so i can buy things to replace what i fuck up when i’m really, really ill. so i can afford, you know, just a few things that make me smile? like, to have a holiday? so i can keep seeing my fucking counsellor and pay him for the work he does for me?! i can and will find a way to do this, somehow, but money would speed it up so much, and get me quicker to a point where i’m balanced enough to HOPEFULLY start Working for Pay. paying my tax, putting money in so other people like me can get a leg up. 

the fact that i could only start singing my own songs, the ones i always wanted to sing, after cutting contact with my entire family... it’s kind of an indicator to me i’d lost them already.

i mean, i’ve been estranged for... three years? four? i don’t actually know, exactly. i went back occasionally... always had to use drugs of some kind to get to sleep at night.

i don’t use that way any more. i don’t wanna go numb to that tiny little child who hated “her” mum. like... she’s not even me, just, you know, that was my body? i wasn’t even allowed to be a he back then. “there were no signs.” as IF, you just didn’t ever fucking listen. i HAVE to listen to that kid. i have to acknowledge that this is pain this body felt. and nobody, ESPECIALLY not her, can take it away. because i have ownership of my body, and my memories, and i know how publicly, explosively, dangerously unwell i used to be. 

i’m a lot, lot better, now. i have crazy skills i never had before, but it’s literally, like, dude, the fire is still burning, i have to stand here with a bucket of water constantly to put it out when it gets too big, and i keep fucking getting burned! i need help! there’s SO MUCH, you know? 

i can’t even put the sim card i had to reorder in my phone yet, it’s such a relief to not have That Fucking Thing to deal with. i’m already dealing with, like, seeing my mother’s Disappointed Face(tm) staring right back at me when i pause for just a fucking moment to think. 

i want a break, man, and i know it’s not coming, bc i can’t block this out with drugs any more, and the pain lives inside me, so i just gotta... i just gotta keep processing. it wraps itself up when it’s a point where i can, you know, kind of do something else, for a little while. 

[violetsandloveletters]

If someone tells you a really juicy gossip right now, would you pass it on? Well apart from the fact that it’s 2:20am, no. I mean, I tell my best mate everything but like I have no energy for gossip of any sort right now. What’s one song you can’t stop listening to right now? Nothing, I went through a day of loving Billie Eilish Ocean Eyes but all in all I find music a huge trigger for me unless i’m listening with someone else. Do you have index cards in your room right now? No. Do you have an attic? No. What was the last song you sang out loud to? Me & D watched a lot of films this weekend so was either something from Les Mis or Labryinth.

Have you ever lived in the country before? Nah. Do you drink coffee everyday? Never had coffee, I hate the smell. Have you ever had mice in your house? No, never in mine. My mum has though which is so gross & also my best mate had them in her uni house when she was there YEARS ago & she found a dead one in her favourite Doc Martens :(. Have you ever stayed in a suite? Don’t think so. Do you take good pictures? Don’t know really, I do of Hades. Do you remember names or faces better? Probably faces. Do you enjoy working with animals? I worked as a receptionist at a vet last year & I loved it but the job was too emotional. 

Have you ever been in a tornado or hurricane? No, don’t think we get them here?! Do you have any bookmarks in your internet browser? If so, how many? Only Open University atm I think. Have you ever seen any movie version of Romeo and Juliet? Yes, the really old one & then the one with Leonardo DiCaprio is one of my favourite films, he is delicious in it too. In your opinion, which decade has the best hairstyle? Fuck knows haha, this one, love 50′s & 80′s too though (yes I just Googled it) ha.. If you’re in a competition, are you in it to win it or just for the fun? I’m not competitive at all so i’d only compete if I knew I could win. Do you have winter, spring, summer, and fall where you live? Yeah but we call fall autumn. Is the computer you’re using a desktop or laptop? Laptop. Do you know anyone in the military right now? No. What’s your favorite show on Comedy Central? Not sure, don’t often watch it. Though i’ve just gone on my Now Tv app & apparently Ru Paul’s Drag Race is on there so that :). How old is the oldest person you know? What a weird question, no idea. Have you ever had braces? Yeah. Is there a TV show right now that you just can’t miss an episode of? Teen Mom OG & Teen Mum UK are like my only sit down things on at the moment, American Horror Story will be when it comes out too. Tbh I love Youtube so I could name you many a Youtuber I can’t miss a video of. Which love story would you want your life to turn out like? Romeo & Juliet haha, that’s how it feels at the moment anyway... Do you usually go to sleep before or after the people you’re living with? It’s always been after with D but i’m living alone right now so. Are you into ripped jeans? Yeah I prefer them tbh. Do you watch the Discovery Channel? Yeah I love it. Have you ever wanted to live in the Playboy mansion? Only for that cave in the swimming pool they have but nah, I couldn’t think of anything worse than living in a huge house with a fuck tonne of people. Would you ever name your child after someone famous? Unless they happen to have a nature name that I wanna name my future kid, no. Have you ever participated in a car wash for charity? No. Which band has the best name, in your opinion? No idea. Do kids often knock on your door on Halloween? Nah, I live in a flat anyway. But I think in the UK there’s an unwritten rule that unless the house is decorated/has a pumpkin outside, you don’t knock, us British don’t like it as much as the Americans. Which one of your exes do you feel like you have the most chemistry with? I only have chemistry with my actual bf funny enough. Do you like where your house is located? I loved it at first but now I FUCKING despise it & want to move ASAP. What’s the best hotel you’ve been to? The Intercontinental near the 02 Arena in London or the Newport Bay CLub at Disneyland Paris. Are you into designer clothes? Not really, I prefer higher end/designer jewellery. Have you ever watched the show How I Met Your Mother? Yeah but never really got into it. Do you share the same political views as your parents? No. How often do you eat chocolate? Not really that often, it goes through phases, i’m more of a cake person.

Did you have a good day yesterday? Absolutely not, my mental health couldn’t get worse if I tried unless I actually tried to OD or something. What about today? How has your day been so far? It’s now 2:54am & im too anxious to fall asleep so yeaaa greaaat. Do you think tomorrow will be enjoyable for you? Hell no, iv’ve been dreading tomorrow for months. How many pairs of earphones do you own? 3 maybe? Wireless over ear headphones for bed, random Apple ones that come with the phone & then Skullcandy ones in my bag. What colour are the earphones you use the most? Black.

Who is your favourite person to have a deep conversation with? There’s a few people, but I find it so hard sometimes. Do you remember what you had for lunch yesterday? I didn’t as I was asleep. Who/what has been on your mind the most today? D & his drinking & his mum, money, wether I should move or not, general triggers of depression & anxiety, the fact that stress delayed my period 4 days which means it’s more painful than ever, the general desire to want to die but not trusting anyone with Hades- I reckon I could reel off 100+ points if I wanted lol. Does/did the last person you text messaged go to the same school as you? Yeah. What kind of personality are you attracted to? I literally don’t have a type, I like what I like & that is it. Is there anything worrying you? If so, have you talked to anyone about it? Yeah, i’m worried about D & his drinking, he went back to his mums & he was very sick & had to go to the hospital so I need to talk to her about it but i’m sure because he was here she’ll blame me but she has no idea how hard I tried to sober him up this weekend & what that situation is likek from my point because he’s never let me talk to her about it but it’s now at the point where I have too in order for him to get better. Have you ever liked someone that your friend also liked? Nah. When was the last time you were asked out? Did you accept or decline? D 5 years ago & obviously I said yes lol. Which one of your friends would you say you’re most similar to? My best mate Tash is honestly so similar yet so opposite to me it’s weird. We’ll be in a shop & go round it being like ‘I don’t like this but you will’ but emotionally we are so similar, she is much stronger than me as a person though for sure. What colour are the eyes of the last person you held hands with? Brown. What colour was the last lipstick you put on? Nude color. Have you ever worn lipstick in an unusual colour, like black or blue? I have Anastasia Beverly Hills ‘Midnight’ which is black & ‘Griffin’ which is grey but like way greyer than Mac ‘Stone’ but I wear the Mac one the most. Is it possible to be “just friends” with someone you had feelings for? Idk. Is there someone of the opposite sex that you can talk to about anything? Somewhat. What did your last Facebook status say? How many likes/comments did it get? No idea, I literally never go on it. Are you looking forward to anything? Death. The last time you cried, what was wrong? Everything was wrong & about an hour ago. Should you be doing something else right now? Sleeping. What time is it? 3:14am. What’s today’s date? 13.09.2019 What do you like the most about your own appearance? My boobs. What do you like the most about your own personality? That im selfless af & how caring I am.

[woelfpack]

there’s something very miraculous about life. 

im not talking about your job, I'm not talking about the day to day bullshit, politics, whatever the fuck is pissing you off.

I'm talking about life.

this strange sort of coming together of atoms and evolution. this unbelievable consciousness. 

a lot of people like to go out and say it’s all nothing it’s always been nothing and always will be nothing. to me it’s pretty amazing. for some reason i’m here and i’m so small in the grand scheme of things but i get to have thoughts and music and art and friends and a family and whatever the next 80 years wants to give me. i think life is a very humbling experience. 

lately i feel this undercurrent, this rate of change. like time is moving faster now and it isn’t waiting for me or anyone. it’s not even making me anxious, I’m just riding the fucking wave. it’s so weird because something about this moment feels stagnant, but it also feels like I'm at the edge of a cliff. 

it’s taken me 20 years but I'm finally not scared of change anymore. i really want to embrace my opportunities and embrace newness. i feel like movement is so imperative in life. i feel like there’s so much to strive for. there’s nothing more powerful than to see someone chasing their dreams, putting in effort because they believe in something. I feel like that’s the meaning here, or at least part of it. 

In my decision to be mindful and grateful, i’ve seen myself change. I feel a lot more at ease. I feel like I have everything I need. I’m not saying I never have a bad day, or week or even months; I just feel thankful for what I do have and meditate on how I can feel better. Now more than ever i notice people’s negativity and ungratefulness. It’s so incredibly hard to listen to someone complain. You could find a lot more things to humble you and be thankful for them! it’s not that hard to decide that you don’t want to be miserable anymore and actually put in the effort to live a life thats alright, a life that’s okay, a life that’s pretty good, a life that’s great, a life that’s better than you ever thought. 

This is the second time in my life I’ve decided not to be a miserable mope. After my car accident, and probably a little before then, I was feeling isolated from my friends I’ve had for a long time. I was grieving them, I guess. Our memories. From my accident, I was having some stressful and painful health problems, and no one really comforted me about that. I experienced flashbacks from the accident frequently when I drove, and sometimes I still do if I brake too quickly. I don’t think that’s abnormal, it’s just because what happened scared the crap out of me-how could i forget? And after that fall semester ended, i spent my break with insomnia from medication I was taking because of my health problems and insomnia is very unfriendly to anyone’s mind. My face was ravaged in purple craters, my heart was incredibly broken. I feel like i barely left my room. Spring semester began and I became increasingly more isolated as time went on. Phone calls with people who never asked how I was doing. Friends who pushed me to be open with them left me high and dry. I wasn’t all that, at least that’s how I was made to feel. I couldn’t connect with the people around me so I isolated myself even more! I started to open up to my peers near the end of this semester and it felt nice. Wish i did it sooner. I still have issues getting close to them no doubt, but I’m working on it. I’m not sure if it’s because I was emotionally and physically alone for so long, but my anxiety attacks came back. I’m not sure if it’s the proper term to call them because I’ve had anxiety attacks before and they were never like this. I’d be in a room full of people and just get so twisted about it that I’d have to leave. I’d think about being in social situations and know I was going to be pushed to talk and pretend I wasn’t sad so i’d leave. No one ever wanted to talk about feelings. Writing it out makes it truly look like social anxiety. I don’t self diagnose, and I do have trouble in social situations because I'm shy. It’s something I want to work on. 

As I see it now, isolation is a huge part of growing. It’s a huge part of getting to know yourself, and in retrospect I learned a lot. Today I’m grateful that I can look at life as an opportunity to grow and learn. I’m excited to start my summer class and learn some new stuff and meet some new people- and hopefully see my old friends from school around campus. I’m grateful for the energy I feel around me.... I honestly am just so excited. I feel the near future, i truly do.