#if my current friends leave me i seriously think ill never trust anyone again

[satanssquidgy]

Im just venting bc i feel too bad venting to my friends sorry

[secondpubertyscene]

8.14.21

This year has been one of major change. In Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower, there’s this quote, “God is Change. Beware: God exists to shape and be shaped,” and I think for the first time since reading it, I get what was being said. While I subscribe to the idea that there is a higher power of some kind, I also believe that we (as in, us as individuals) have great power as well. That power lies in our ability to change, to grow, to persevere. This year has been one of major change, and we really have to talk about it.

It is easy to look at this last year and think, “Well, that fucking sucked” because frankly, it did indeed fucking suck. I could write you a list of things that brought me great pain this year, unbelievable, undeniable, unrelenting pain that still lingers now. But, see, the beauty of it all is that none of that pain happens in a vacuum. Along with the pain, I’ve come through it all with more wisdom, more compassion, more empathy, more gratitude, more peace, more love, and more confidence. I’d like to share how those things all are connected, but first I would like to acknowledge something.

While I don’t know for sure if this is just an American thing, it does seem very clear that Americans aren’t fantastic at processing grief, death, and pain collectively. We often are encouraged to suck it up, to shut up about it, to not make others uncomfortable with our tears and trauma. I believe this is in large part due to the fact that American Exceptionalism doesn’t quite allow us to acknowledge when our systems have failed us or when we are suffering in the “greatest country in the world.” I don’t intend on participating in that toxic positivity or to dismiss the seriousness of the year past. I simply intend on acknowledging the nuances of my experiences, the complexity of it all. Now, let’s begin.

Without recounting every moment in large detail (in part because that would be far too much and also because I don’t need to relieve my traumas today), the events of the last year have been as follows: 1) COVID hit, 2) I had a severe emotional breakdown that resulted in a short stay at the hospital, 3) my grandma passed away, 4) I broke up with my partner of a year, 5) I was officially diagnosed with adult ADHD (inattentive), 6) I got into a PhD program for sociology (fully-funded), and 7) I moved to Ohio (two weeks ago now). So much happened in what feels like a blink of an eye. When you’re a kid, you think a year lasts forever. Now, a year feels like a couple months!

Anyhow, all of these things had super intense negative impacts on my life and most of them had super intense positive impacts on my life. Let’s talk about how. I won’t say that COVID had any “positive” impact on my life, because it’s still currently making things difficult and it is still destroying lives (full worlds) every day. The emotional breakdown that I experienced shortly after COVID began, however, was the impetus for some of the greatest change I would ever make in my life. It began with new therapy, medication for the first time ever to treat my mental illnesses, and a new relationship with boundaries.

Out of this breakdown, I came to realize a few things. 1) I wasn’t really feeling most of my life up until that point. That isn’t to say that I didn’t feel at all or that I wasn’t aware of my feelings all the time, but to say that most of the time, I numbed everything out that was too hard to bear. I didn’t cry, I didn’t write, I didn’t even take the time to try to identify exactly what emotions I did feel. I just lived through it and waited until I felt better. Or, I would breakdown with rage and then feel better. Therapy, especially the group therapy I participated in for a couple weeks after leaving the hospital, changed that in huge ways for me.

Because I was able to sit in my pain, in my discomfort, I was able to actually work through some of my issues. I began to identify the areas in my life that made me genuinely unhappy and began to grant myself permission to feel disappointment. I granted myself the permission to expect more, to want more. I granted myself the permission to set boundaries without guilt or shame. I granted myself freedom. It is an ongoing journey of mistakes and back-peddling and trying again, but it is mine and I am proud of it. Had I not had that breakdown, I don’t know that I would be where I am now.

My grandma dying is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced and honestly, I haven’t dealt with it all the way yet. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her in person, I still am battling the feelings of guilt despite knowing that there likely was nothing I could have done, and my chest still feels heavy thinking about her. Even as I write this, I feel that pain. I know she is not truly gone and that she lives within me, but oh, I do miss her physical presence. The nagging, the phone calls, the hugs, the cooking, her soft hair and beautiful hands. I miss her. Because of her, though, I have been able to rehabilitate another relationship in my life. The relationship I share with my mother.

My mother is a lot of things, but for whatever reason I continually forgot that she too is a victim of hardship brought on by nothing but sheer luck. In this last year, she lost her mother, the man that she loved, multiple cousins, friends that went back to childhood, and who knows who else. She suffered a lot this year and she has suffered a lot over the course of her 61 years of life overall. For the first time, I have been able to really acknowledge her as a full being with a complex history and understand her as a person, rather than just as a parent. I’ve set new boundaries with her as a result, boundaries that have completely change the dynamic of our relationship and will continue to do so as we both learn more about each other. Gone are the days where she relies solely on me for emotional support or financial support. Gone are the days where she feels comfortable talking down to me and then expecting any kind of favors from me. She understands and respects that I am an adult, that I am independent, and that I can terminate our relationship should it get to a point where I feel unsafe again. While this might sound like a threat or even negative, it is in fact quite the contrary.

We now share the belief that I deserve better from her and that my continued relationship with her is founded upon our mutual growth. That’s a beautiful thing that arose from us being pulled together by the loss of someone we both loved more than we maybe even loved ourselves. Thankfully, though, I have come to love myself more than anyone else on this planet. This newfound self-love and respect resulted in the severing of my relationship with my partner.

I won’t pretend like my ex was this horrible person because she wasn’t. She was kind, loving, intelligent, hilarious, unique, complex, and so many other amazing things. I still love her with all of my heart and have thought about her every single day since we broke up. It is not for lack of love that our relationship came to a close. The issue was that I needed more than what she could give. I needed someone who could really sit in my shit with me without invalidating my feelings jokingly because they didn’t know what else to say. I needed someone who could make me feel safe and secure, not fearful and insecure. I needed someone who understood boundaries as openings for futures, not closed doors. I needed someone who could show up for me the way I showed up for them, even when they hurt me, even when they lied out of fear. She wasn’t able to do that. She wasn’t able to stick beside me during the worst days of my life. She wasn’t able to see me beyond our relationship. When my grandma passed and our relationship was on the rocks, she made it about us. She didn’t stop pestering me about our relationship for long enough to give me support on losing someone who meant the world to me. I couldn’t trust her after that and I also realized, I wasn’t required to.

Boundaries in that relationship weren’t healthy. I felt unseen, unprotected, and sometimes even unloved. While I am sure that she has grown even more since we have parted, the reality is that when I ended things, I knew that doing so was the most fair thing I could do for the both of us. This is because I deserve someone who sees my value inherently. I deserve someone who takes the time to understand me, to love me, to see me. Not just see me and them together, but me as an individual separate from them. More importantly, I needed to be able to ask for those things without feeling guilty or bad. As of now, I still don’t know that she sees me as me, as a singular person, and maybe she never will. That is okay. I still love her anyway. I just love me more now. As a part of that love I’ve grown for myself, I also now have sought out more help for myself. This seeking of resources led me to realizing that I was ADHD and helped me change my life.

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 21 felt absolutely ridiculous. How could I be ADHD when I can sit still most of the time and have a pretty decent amount of impulse control? The answers came from my psychiatrist, breaking down the stereotypical understanding of ADHD and allowing me to find myself within the diagnosis. Finding the right combination of medication has been difficult, but what hasn’t been hard at all is finding more resources that help me manage my symptoms. It’s because of some of these resources that I am able to sit here and write this.

A huge part of ADHD is this perfectionist mentality that makes it nearly impossible to start or complete some tasks. Every time I sat down to write in the past, I told myself that I absolutely had to write every single day, once a day, or I should just not do it. When it came to this blog especially, I had so much shame when I failed to post for a long time or had a lull, that I would either consider deleting the whole thing to start over, or just never posting again. I realize now that those were just cop outs for my brain, that I can write as little or as much as I want because it is for ME. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it doesn’t have to be anything but what I need it to be. Waiting for perfection would have me waiting forever because it’s simply not how my brain works. Accepting that is a large part of how I got into my PhD program.

I’m not going to lie. I am still trying to figure out all of the feelings I have regarding this PhD program. I am shocked that I got in, shocked that I got full-funding, shocked that I am now in Ohio, shocked that I am in my own apartment, and overall shocked that I’ve made it this far in general. While I do not believe that I am stupid or not capable of greatness, I am realizing that I’ve always seen myself pursuing something more straightforward. When I was younger, I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to do even as those things changed. I knew what was required of me, I knew what I would ultimately do, and I took refuge in that. Doctors go to medical school. Chefs go to culinary school. Forensic anthropologists get masters degrees and do field work. It felt clear cut, straightforward, safe. This is uncharted territory. What do you do post PhD? What do you do DURING PhD years? I suppose I’ll just have to find out!

Anyhow, this year has been intense. Change is always present in our lives and sometimes it brings with gifts that we can only receive when we’re healed enough to take them. I’m hoping to keep healing, keep growing, keep loving, and keep going. I’m learning so much about myself and about the world. I’m loving myself more than I have in the past. I am incredibly proud of where I am. And I’m not done yet.

[fairycosmos]

TRIGGER WARNING : I know you're not a psychiatrist tbh I just need to vent and I really like you so yea, I've come to the conclusion that I am what everyone thought I was which is a lazy little bitch using depression and suicidal thoughts as an excuse to be lazy I use to feel guilty but idc anymore it just shows there's no hope for me at all the only problem is I don't have the guts to shoot myself in the head and it's the last option I have Im sorry I just don't know who to turn to

hey dude. i’m sorry to hear you’re hurting so much right now. i know it’s a complex and personal issue that words alone can’t solve, but i still hope you’re open to some comfort, some alternative narratives to center your thoughts around. and idk just a few words from someone who can understand to an extent....i think first and foremost it’s a good idea to ask yourself, when you’re in the right state of mind to, where all of this self loathing is actually coming from. whether it’s grounded in anything substantial. it’s important to remember that a massive part of depression is feeling like you’re faking, over-exaggerating, using it as an excuse etc. i’ve heard a lot of people with mental illness echo the same sentiment. and the fact that you feel this way, so violently negatively towards yourself, indicates that you ARE struggling with a much deeper problem. but we’re taught to overlook it and to blame ourselves, partially due to society’s attitude regarding mental illness. in short we’re conditioned to feel like we’re lazy and worthless if we can’t produce labor and profit, or if something prevents us from doing so, but that’s merely a capitalist myth. those around you have internalized its message and are now projecting it onto you. but now that you recognize that fact, you can begin dismantling that belief system in your own head. cause in actuality, it’s got nothing to do with you or your value as a person. it’s the system that’s the issue, and the way it sees human life as nothing more than a means to an end, when people are so much more than that. you are so much more than that. you’re not here to constantly please everyone or to be some emotionless machine. so anyone who was judging you by that standard is fkn deluded and their opinion doesn’t hold much weight to begin with. then there’s also the stigma surrounding depression itself. people who’ve never experienced it don’t get how debilitating it is to live with. how it doesn’t just prevent people from working, how it prevents people from progressing in all areas of their lives when it’s left unacknowledged. which is why the answer isn’t to hurt yourself, it’s to admit to what hurts. this isn’t a matter of personal failure, or of laziness. it’s an illness, something that needs to be confronted head on with time, treatment, and self help in order to move beyond it. it’s just as serious as any physical ailment, but you don’t have to beg anyone to understand that.  you’re going through so much just by getting through the day and the fact that you’re still here counts for so much. i promise, you are not your negative thoughts. your mind is just trying to get you to stay in the cycle of self hatred > self destruction > self hatred so that you feel more discouraged and less likely to seek the support you need, even though that could be the one thing that would break the repetitive pattern. idk who made you believe that you are this bad and unforgivable person but i hope you know that it is genuinely, truly possible to grow beyond that way of thinking. it may take time, and it may feel unreachable right now, but change is honestly constant especially if you seek it out. the way you see yourself in five years will not mirror the way you see yourself now, you know? this is all a process and as long as you’re getting through it, you’re doing so much better than you realize. 

it’s ok to recognize all of that and to still feel like shit, to still feel like giving up sometimes. sadness, anger, pain - they’re exhausting and terrifying, but you don’t have to push those emotions away. though they don’t have to control all of your actions either. because they’re never as permanent as they feel. part of being suicidal is thinking in a black and white fashion, where everything has to be all or nothing. but it doesn’t. there’s a lot of nuance and a lot of different choices you can make, if you just breathe and keep yourself in a safe environment above all else. like i said, you’re living with an illness and bad days are a natural part of that. but having the tools to be able to cope with them in a healthy way could make all the difference. and that IS an option for you, even if you can’t see it right now. are you currently seeing a mental health professional? if not, i’d really really suggest looking into that before you make any permanent and heavy handed decisions about whether or not it’s worth it to stay alive. seriously, even if you’re unable to see a therapist at the moment - there are depression/suicide hotlines you can call who can help you with the next step, there may be support groups in your area, your doctor may be able to refer you to a counselor. you are capable of reaching out, as proven with this message, which is a really good sign. and building routines around personal self help and finding what works for you would be a step in the right direction, too. there is so much that can be done in terms of identifying what you feel the way you feel, relearning how to treat yourself, developing a support network over a period of time, opening up to make room to heal - it’s possible. i promise it is. it’s possible to live a full, stable life that you’re proud of despite having depression. if you have any trusted loved ones, now may also be a good time to talk to them about whats going on. i’m sure they want to have the chance to be there for you, and it’s alright to lean on them when you need it. you’re clearly in a very emotional state right now so i don’t blame you if you can’t bring yourself to believe me, but i hope it’s an idea you can keep revisiting. because really what my main point is, is that you deserve to stay alive regardless the fact that you’re dealing with a mental illness. i don’t want to sound cliche but it’s true that nothing would be the same without you, that you’re here for a reason (which you fulfill every day, just by being who you are) and that your presence is far more precious than you know. i’m sorry you were made to feel any different. you get this one life and i would really hate to see you do something you could regret over situations and feelings that can be helped. you are not beyond hope, you are not a lost cause. especially if you live your life as if you’re not. you still exist and that means there are a million different ways things could turn out, the future is ever changing. the present is all you need to worry about. it’s just another symptom of depression to catastrophize and picture everything ending in the worst case scenario, which is something that can also be helped with therapy/practicing mindfulness. anyway, i’m aware that this is getting super long and i’m going to leave some links that may be of some use to you in terms of follow up support, but i’m really begging you. no matter how awful you feel tonight, just allow yourself to breathe through it. cry through it. call someone if it all feels like too much. keep yourself away from anything you could use to harm yourself with. and then wake up tomorrow knowing you have the chance to try again, knowing that that is a good thing, knowing that this moment is not what your whole existence is going to look like. please, please call someone if you think you’re a danger to yourself. even if you have to pick up the phone on autopilot. you mean so much. im sending you a lot of love and hoping you find the self appreciation you deserve. if you ever need a friend please feel free to message me. you’re not on this alone.

https://faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/global-suicide-hotline-resources/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm

https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/a-z/resource/50/suicide-coping-with-suicidal-thoughts

https://medium.com/@sameoldzen/finding-intrinsic-self-worth-in-a-capitalist-system-7069be072b5b

https://serenitymentalhealthcenters.com/31-coping-skills-for-depression/

[wienerbarnes]

Whatever It Takes (3/6)

Pairing: Bucky x Doctor!Reader

Word Count: 2,069

Prompt: Doctor AU

Warnings: More medical talk, some ~flirting~

A/N: sorry for the late post! i got home late yesterday and completely forgot but here it is now!!! officially halfway done :) 

SERIES MASTERLIST

“This iodine will help with your thyroid.” Dr. Curtis informs the now awake patient. She hangs the IV bag on the hook and moves away from the bed once it’s attached. You’ve since removed your blazer and shoes, assuming you should get comfortable with the state of John.

“We should celebrate! With a beer,” You begin, pacing around the room.

“I don’t drink.” John croaks from the bed.

“Me thinks he doth protest too much.” You joke from your position on the other side of the hospital room, facing the small window with a view of the outside.

“Why would he lie if he’s deathly ill?” Curtis asks, clearly annoyed with your antics.

“Guilt over killing a man?” You guess.

“We don’t kill people.” John says, head turning to look at you with his tired eyes.

“Right,” You begin as you walk over closer to the bed, “You only, lie to your family and friends, establish fake identities, trick people into betraying their country; he’d never cover up the fact that he drinks!” You exaggerate as you rearrange your legs in a more comfortable position.

“Quick question though, the red lipstick that Ginger used to kill Gilligan. Why didn’t that kill her?” John rolls his eyes at you and Curtis stares at you in disbelief and you look between the two of them, waiting for an answer.

…

A couple of hours pass before Bucky and Dr. Banner meet you and Dr. Curtis in John’s room again. You sit on the cushioned chair beside the bed and Dr. Curtis sits on the couch on the opposite side of the room. Bucky notices you eating from a small container of macaroni and cheese, blazer laid at over the arm rest of the chair, and bare feet folded under you as you’ve obviously gotten comfortable. Your hair is loosely tied back and a few strands fall around your face. He doesn’t realize you’ve caught him staring but quickly clears his throat and looks at Banner, who is flipping through the original chart and looking at John’s current vitals.

“He’s stabilizing.” Banner states, reviewing John’s current vitals with the original vitals listed in the chart from when he was first admitted.

“And the tummy ache is gone.” You add, taking in another spoonful of macaroni.

“Treatment is working.” Dr. Curtis stands, a small, proud grin rising on her face.

Bucky looks at you again to see you giving a weird glance at Dr. Curtis. What does that face mean? Bucky thinks. It’s not a face of guilt, but you definitely look like you’ve been up to something. You meet his gaze again and smile.

“Hey, Sarg, wanna hop on that jet and take a trip down Mexico Way? And I’m not talking about the country or the plane.” You tease, another spoonful of pasta disappearing between your lips. How unchaste, he thinks to himself as he tries his hardest to keep from blushing.

“Do you think flirting like an idiot will get you anywhere with guys?” Bucky asks, playful smile creeping up on his face, indulging in your remarks.

“Well, if it didn’t, the human race probably would’ve died out a long time ago.”

“You’re awfully chipper for someone who’s just had their pancreatitis theory disproved.” Curtis interrupts. The sparkle in your eye that you’ve been giving Bucky disappears and that same look from before returns to your features.

“Actually, I’m awfully chipper for someone who’s being proved right.” Banner looks up at you when you say this, a puzzled look on his face.

“John hasn’t vomited in six hours.” Banner argues.

“What is there to vomit? I’m eating his lunch.” You hold up the container of nearly finished macaroni and cheese and place it on the nightstand next to where you’re sitting before standing up.

“Withholding nutrients is the treatment for pancreatitis. That, and the antibiotics I put him on when you went to the bathroom.” You explain, gesturing to Dr. Curtis.

“You’re unbelievable!” Dr. Curtis exclaims.

“Well, why don’t you ask John if he’d rather die honestly or be cured dishonestly?” You reply.

“John?” Banner asks, noticing how John’s body seems a little more slumped than before.

Banner moves forward to lift John’s eyelids and shine a small flashlight into them, checking for any response. The heart monitor is still beeping, meaning he’s still alive, but he’s unmoving.

“Any chance he’s just overwhelmed with gratitude?” You ask.

…

“You should be brought up on charges!” Curtis accuses you.

“Okay, okay, I’ll take your book from under my piano.”

John is now awake after being fed a shot of adrenaline. And Dr. Curtis is not happy with you. But was she ever?

“He is dying of radiation poisoning!” She bursts.

“Why are you yelling?” You ask calmly, walking up to John’s bed.

“All of this could’ve been avoided if you hadn’t interfered with-“ Curtis is cut off by John’s yelp as you pull harshly on his hair. Bucky even stops his pacing at the sound and looks at you for explanation.

“What are you doing?!” Curtis yells.

“Radiation sickness kills different cells at different times. Meaning his hair should be falling out in clumps before his body starts writhing in pain. And since it’s not,” You explain, holding up your empty palm.

You glance at Bucky and then to Dr. Banner, who no longer looks so worried about whether or not you might be absolutely mad.

“It’s blood cancer. Waldenstrom’s.” You diagnose.

“Unless you can tell me if he’s been involved in any foul play, like torturing Bolivians…” You trail off and send a hopeful look towards Bucky. “Can’t you treat for both?” Bucky asks, a defeated look on his face. His brain is exhausted from hearing different diagnosis after diagnosis, and he doesn’t even understand any of the medical talk that comes out of anyone’s mouth.

Truth be told, Stark and Banner had only asked him to track you down and retrieve you for your help in fixing John. He could go back to his regular playing around with Sam, but you’ve caught his attention. At first he was a bit annoyed at you; he couldn’t believe that someone so goofy could be a doctor. But your interesting personality has grown on him over the past couple of hours that you’ve been here.

“Unless you’re the one that’s trying to poison him.” You reply.

Bucky looks to Dr. Banner for help. “I’ll arrange for Plasmapheresis and Chemotherapy.” He finally spits out before walking out of the room.

Bucky goes to follow but Dr. Curtis stops him, “You’re really going to trust her after what she did?” She asks, shock evident in her voice. Bucky meets your eyes.

“I don’t have to trust her to agree with her.” Bucky replies before finally exiting the room.

…

It’s deep into the evening when John is finally put on his new treatment. Dr. Curtis has stepped out to grab some food and Dr. Banner has returned to his office, still checking in every once in a while. You and Bucky are the ones that remain while John is asleep from the drowsiness caused by the medicine. Bucky watches from the end of the bed as you attach a new bag to the IV hook and press a few buttons on a machine next to the bed.

“So, now that all the medical mumbo-jumbo is over with,” You begin as you turn around to face him. “What do you say we head back to your place and you show me a few enhanced interrogation techniques?” You offer while slowly striding towards him; Bucky’s right eyebrow lifting at your implication.

He smirks as you continue, “My safe word is ‘Help, please, please, stop.’ That’s two ‘please’s, otherwise you keep going.” You inform with a wink.

“Maybe if you cure this guy, I’ll show you my private water board.” He teases back. An almost animalistic grin spreads across your face at his teasing as you move even closer, chests almost touching as Bucky looks down into your eyes.

“You know I have a position available. At my hospital. My personal assistant.” You whisper, breath fanning Bucky’s face and the hair on the back of his neck raise.

“You offering me a job?”

“I can bet you the pay’s better.” You lie, as if you have the funds to pay him higher than whatever an Avengers paycheck consists of, fingers slowly tracing up his right forearm. “And there’s less bad guys to fight.”

“I like it here.” Bucky chuckles, hands raising to rest themselves on either side of your upper arms

You bite your lip and Bucky’s eyes immediately move to fix on your plump, pink lips. You open your mouth to continue and a beeping noise from Bucky’s front left pocket interrupts you as Bucky pulls one arm away to pull out his phone.

“Duty calls.” He says softly, before backing away from you and exiting the room.

…

Bucky finally finds Sam in the smaller common room after running around the entire compound looking for him.

“What’s the emergency?” Bucky asks, not understanding why Sam would be sitting in the common room with his feet propped up if there was actually something wrong.

“I know what you’ve been up to, you sly, sly dog.” Sam accuses, teasing smile on his face.

“What?” Bucky asks; he’s seriously confused now.

“You’re trying to sauce it up with the doctor lady!” Sam stands and shoves a finger in Bucky chest and the blush begins to creep up his neck.

“What?! N-no I’m not, what are you talking about?” Bucky denies.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., why don’t show Tin-Man over here what you showed me when I asked you where he was at.” Sam commands.

Projected on the screen is you and Bucky from about five minutes ago. Faces close together, your arms trailing up from his wrists to rest on his shoulders before trailing back down again. He sees how his hands twitch at his side in the video, God, how he wanted to wrap his arms around you so badly.

“Man, are you blushing? God damn, get a hold of yourself!” Sam snaps him out of his trance of thinking about what all your curves feel like underneath his hands.

“Nothing’s going on, alright? Just lay off.” Bucky says before leaving the room again.

He storms back to the elevators to go back to his room for a while. Maybe he’ll be able to get his head in order with some time away from you? He hasn’t felt this way about a girl in he doesn’t even know how long. A part of him didn’t think he’d ever find someone he actually likes like that - he didn’t even think he was capable of feeling that kind of emotion anymore.

Bucky knows he’s different. Bucky knows he’s not Bucky. Bucky died when he fell from that train. He doesn’t really know who he is now. He’s missed out on so much in his life, watching his sisters grow up, getting a long career, taking care of his mother, getting married and having kids, so many inventions and societal changes; sometimes he’s just lost. And there’s not too many people around willing to explain things to him. Sure, he has no problem figuring things out on his own, but every once in a while he just wishes he knew things from the beginning. Like his feelings.

His last girlfriend is probably dead now and it’s not like he’s had any practice recently.

When he’s around you, he feels - light. Airy. Freer. Like he can do anything he wants. And he feels like he wants to do things with you. Take you places. Do things for you, even though you don’t seem to need anybody for anything. He wants to see what you look like on a date. What you look like when you get a nice surprise. What you look like when you wake up in the morning. Or when you get out of the shower. Or when your shopping for something. He likes seeing that smirk on your face when you throw some witty insult at Dr. Curtis. He likes seeing the flirty sparkle in your eye when you tease him and make him blush; he’ll let you make him blush forever if it means he gets to see that face on you.

That’s all gotta mean something, right?

TAG LIST: @gagmebucky @thefvcker-tucker @hannie-writes-marvel @angel-fire @jaamesbbarnes @sgtjbuccky @unicorniorosacomefrutillas @creepylittlemarvelgirl @spiderrpcrker @mywinterwolf

[cottontail20]

Love Will Thaw, Chapter 4: A Beautiful Day

Summary: Wanda and Vision face an unexpected event after their marriage.

Ao3 link:https://archiveofourown.org/works/22584529/chapters/54490264

Wanda and Vision arranged their Wedding for late Spring, the weather warm, bordering on hot as they headed towards Summer. They kept the event quite small, just the Avengers, really, and they held it at the Barton Farm, which had so far still remained undiscovered by the paparazzi. This was good. It meant that their day was just for them.

There, in front of those who were most important to them, Wanda and Vision made their vows, and became Husband and Wife.

The Sun had shone, birds were singing. A perfect day. --

It wasn't until a little over a month after the couple had returned from her Honeymoon that Wanda began to realise they may have brought back an unintended souvenir. She hadn't made the connection between all the little signs, because.. Well, mostly because it just wasn't possible, was it?

Nausea that seemed to mysteriously disappear in the afternoon? She must have caught a stomach bug.

Tender breasts? Well, she had been meaning to get a properly fitted bra.

And uh, maybe a certain monthly friend had failed to arrive because she was stressed after months of Wedding Planning.

Except that Wanda wasn't stressed. Living with Vision, being his wife, made her so happy, happier than she had ever been. The only source of stress in Wanda's life was her current set of symptoms that only lead to one, impossible conclusion..

That she was pregnant. For a moment, Wanda had let herself imagine a tiny bundle, half her, and half him. A little miracle.. Then the moment had shattered.

Because she couldn't be pregnant. Vision couldn't get her pregnant.. Could he?

Getting Vision back had been her miracle, and Wanda wasn't sure she deserved another, even after all she had suffered.

Wanda knew Vision was worried about her morning illnesses. How would she explain this to him? What if he thought she'd cheated?

She had to know for sure before she said anything. --

Wanda had Natasha bring her a test, trusting her to be discreet. Told Vision they would be engaging in a bit of girl talk to keep him out of the way for a bit, not that they needed to. He was perfectly happy to stay out working in their garden. He loved helping things grow. Gardening was a pastime that Wanda also usually enjoyed at the moment, mostly because, though Vision could regulate his body temperature, he usually dressed for the weather anyway, meaning he often went without a shirt in the garden.

With Vision happily occupied, Wanda hurried upstairs with Natasha to take the test. Paced nervously as she waited for the results.

Wanda stared at the two little lines with a lump in her throat, not sure whether to smile or cry.

"What am I going to do?" She'd panicked. "This isn't possible. Vision can't.."

"Clearly it is, and he can" said Nat. When Wanda still looked distressed, the Widow's gaze softened. "I understand that this is a bit unexpected, but It's not as bad as you think. Vision loves you. Just tell him. He'll probably be shocked, but.. He'll understand.."

"I hope so.." Wanda sighed. --

When Vision had come in from the garden later, wiping soil from his hands, he was surprised to find Wanda alone.

"Did Natasha leave?" He frowned. "She didn't say goodbye.."

"I think she wanted to give us some time.." said Wanda nervously. One hand rested on her stomach, already protective of the life growing within, despite her stress. "Come sit down, Vizh. I need to tell you something.."

"Is something wrong?" He hurried to sit beside her.

"No. Well, I don't know.. I took a test, and.."

"Are you sick?" Vision immediately panicked, grasping her hand. "You've been so ill in the mornings.."

"No, I'm not sick.." Wanda took a shaky breath. "I.. I'm.."

"Wanda" Vision squeezed her hand. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"I.. I'm Pregnant."

"Oh.." Vision froze, silent for a long moment.

"Vision.." the lump in Wanda's throat returned. "P-Please say something.. I'm sorry, I didn't think this could happen, I.. Mmm.."

Suddenly he was kissing her, silencing her in the same way she had for him on the day he had proposed.

"No. You never say sorry for this."

"I.. I don't?" Wanda's breath caught, because Vision was looking at her the same way he always had, like she was the most wonderful thing in the universe.

"No" said Vision seriously. "You are my miracle, Wanda, you always have been.. This is just another one. I was.. I was just wondering what I'd done to deserve it."

A small smile crossed his face, and Wanda felt herself returning it. She could let herself be happy about this, if he was happy too.

"I've been wondering the same thing.."

"Can I.." Vision whispered, almost shyly reaching for Wanda's stomach.

"Of course" Wanda took Vision's hand, laying it beside her own.

Vision's entire face lit up with the most wonderful, dazzling smile, and he laughed joyously, because even though it was too soon to really feel anything, he still thought he could. Warmth, love, and happiness, flowing from the tiny new life. And Wanda laughed with them, because she could feel it too, and maybe the universe had decided it owed them one more miracle after all. --

And a miracle it remained, because no-one could work out exactly how it happened. The most anyone could guess was that it had something to do with Wanda's role in reviving Vision. She viewed him as more man than machine, so that is what he had become.

As always, Vision was a perfect, if slightly overprotective partner during Wanda's pregnancy. He attended every appointment, including the one where they discovered they were expecting twins, and later when they learned that both babies were boys. Helped decide their names: Thomas and William, aka Tommy and Billy.

Vision tended to Wanda's every need, giving her back and foot rubs, and rushing to the shops at odd hours. This was fine until Winter arrived during Wanda's third trimester. She had not forgotten that bad things happened to them when it was cold.

She would wait anxiously by the door, but thankfully, Vision always returned to her safely. --

It was near freezing the morning Wanda went into labour. The first snow of Winter was forecast for that day, but it hadn't yet arrived by the time Vision rushed her to the hospital. A lot of that time was a blur.

She remembered screaming at Vision, that this was his fault, that she hated him, that he was never touching her again.. None of which she actually meant, and all of which she'd apologised for later, but at the time, Vision had taken her verbal abuse with the same grace with which he handled most situations, simply holding her hand and offering gentle encouragement through the pain.

It felt like she was pushing forever, and then, quite suddenly, a tiny, dark-haired little boy was placed on Wanda's chest, screaming his displeasure at leaving the warmth and safety of his Mother's womb, followed quickly by his brother, whining, a quieter little soul, his tiny hand already grasping the front of Wanda's hospital gown.

"Oh.." Vision whispered, a slight tremble in his voice, "Wanda, they're perfect.."

And they were. Her sons were the most beautiful things she had ever seen. --

Vision followed Tommy and Billy as they were taken for their first bath, and a few tests, allowing Wanda, exhausted from her efforts at bringing their sons into the world, to shower and rest.

When she woke a little while later, Wanda found her Husband staring into the two little cots holding their sleeping twins, seeming rather awestruck. She felt her heart swell, a fond smile spreading over her face, because all three of them were hers. Her boys, her family.

"Hey, Vizh.."

"Hello" His eyes lit up when he saw her awake. "How are you feeling?"

"A little bit sore" Wanda winced slightly as she sat up, "But that will pass. How are our baieti mici?"

"They are sleeping. But a nurse warned me that they will probably wake hungry soon.." Vision glanced back to the tiny sleeping bundles in the cots, his eyes sparkling, clearly still in awe. "They look like me. I can see myself in their faces.."

"Of course they look like you, Vizh. You're their Father."

"I know. I just.. assumed they would look more like you. You are.."

"I'm what?" Wanda frowned.

"You are real, Wanda.." said Vision, "And I.. Well, I've never really been sure whether I was or not. But I must be, I suppose, If I helped make them.."

"Of course you're real" Wanda, ignoring the objection from her exhausted muscles, got out of bed, moving to kiss him. "You're real, and you are mine. A mea. Mine. Okay?"

"Sunt a ta" Vision replied in Wanda's own language, returning her kiss. "I am yours."

"Good" Wanda smiled. Tommy woke then, wailing, demanding to be fed. Wanda scooped him up, and Vision quickly moved to let her have the chair. "Thanks, Vizh.. Okay, om mic, let's see if Mama can work this out.. Whoa, you were hungry, weren't you?"

Billy whined, also hungry, but much less demanding about it. Vision lifted him gently from his cot, holding him close.

"It's alright, it will be your turn soon.." He looked towards the window of their room. The first snowflakes were starting to fall, tiny, perfect, delicate things. He knew it was still cold outside, but that didn't bother him any more. "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"

"Yes.." Wanda smiled softly, "it is." --

Nearly two years later, Wanda was snuggled asleep in bed Vision holding her, when a tiny hurricane sped into their room, pouncing on them both.

"Mama, Daddy!"

"Oof" Wanda woke with a grunt. "Mmm.. Morning, Tommy.."

"You need to be more careful of Mama, Thomas.." Vision gently scolded the almost two year old.

"Tommy, wait!" Billy pouted, stomping in after his twin and clambering awkwardly onto the bed. "We tell 'gether!"

"Billy slow!" Tommy huffed.

"Be nice to your brother" Wanda told him, smoothing the hair constantly driven wild by his speeding, while Vision helped Billy the rest of the way up. "Uncle Pietro was fast like you, and he was always nice to me."

"'Kay, Mama. I be nice."

"Good" Wanda smiled proudly.

"Now what did you boys want to tell us?" Vision asked.

"Snow ou'side!" said Billy excitedly.

"I see.." Wanda smirked, glancing at Vision. This was the first year their boys would be old enough to understand and appreciate snow, and they'd been telling them all about it.

"We play?" Tommy asked hopefully.

"You'll have to have breakfast first" said Vision.

"And dress up warm" Wanda added. "But yes, then you can play."

"Yay!" Both boys hurried out of the room.

Laughing, Wanda got out of bed, Vision close behind her. She leaned into Vision's side as they followed the twins to the kitchen, smiling when he kissed the top of her head.

Neither one of them had to be afraid anymore.

The cold could be something beautiful, if you had the right person to keep you warm.

Notes:

Translation:

baieti mici: little boys

om mic: little man

[allisondraste]

Temperance (36/42)

Pairing: Nathaniel Howe/ Female, Non-HoF Cousland

Story Summary: Nathaniel and Elissa were childhood friends, but time and distance tore them apart. In the aftermath of the Fifth Blight, and Ferelden’s Civil War, both Elissa and Nathaniel must attempt reconstruct their tattered lives. As a series of events lead them to be reunited, both are reminded of so many years ago when things were much simpler.

Chapter Summary:     A visit to Amaranthine stirs up everyone's emotions, and Liss must weigh her own happiness against concern for others.

Author Note:  The last flashback chapter from Liss' perspective has finally arrived. I'm particularly sad about saying goodbye to the Couslands, but did try to tie off any loose ends and end it on a *relatively* happy note. Nothing can be truly happy when we know what happens to the Couslands. Still, thank you all for your patience with update, and I hope you enjoy!!

First Chapter

Previous Chapter

[AO3 LINK]

Fereldan Countryside, 9:29 Dragon

The carriage ride from Highever to Amaranthine was long, the view from the window filled with an endless expanse of dull hills and grey skies that teased of rain that had yet to fall.  It was an unusual journey, and one that Liss had made few times in her life, many before she was old enough to remember, none since Lady Eliane had fallen ill.  In her mind, Vigil’s Keep was a ruin, torches burned out, cobwebs nestled in every dark, damp corner while ghosts of footsteps pattered down long empty halls.  She did not imagine it to be the sort of place one would host festivities, and she certainly could not understand why Arl Howe had so suddenly and graciously offered to host a gathering for Summerday celebrations.  

Liss had been unable to provide an appropriate excuse as to why she should remain at home, or at least nothing her parents believed to be suitable.  A shame she could not have suddenly caught some highly contagious, yet nonlethal illness that would have kept her in bed for days.  It was an even greater shame that she was a grown woman and she still had to do as her parents bade.  She loved them, but resented their insistence that she paint on a pleasant face and make political appearances, to ignore the rumors that still spread about her throughout Ferelden, to pretend like she liked Rendon Howe for any reason whatsoever.  There was no doubt that she was unfit for such a courtly lifestyle, that she’d been born into the wrong part of society. 

“Darling,” her mother spoke up from the seat directly across from her, an unstated plea in her voice, “I know that it might be too much to ask, but perhaps you could try to make it through one party without entirely shattering the ego of every young man who happens to look at you.”

Without turning her gaze from the window, Liss replied numbly, “It would be easier were their egos not so fragile.” 

“Elissa.”

“I tried at the last gathering.  I really did,” Liss explained melodramatically, turning to face her parents.  She smirked when she saw the laughter sparkling in her father’s eyes. “But I simply couldn’t pretend to find Lord Vaughan’s story about slaying a grand and majestic beast compelling.” 

Her mother appeared to stifle a chuckle. “It sounded like quite the arduous trial.  It is a wonder he survived.” 

“It was a ram, Mother.  Oren nearly hugged one to death last week, and he is tiny.” 

“Pup,” Papa chimed in, seriousness in his voice that she could not quite place. “If you do not wish to be courted, if you never want to marry, your mother and I are not going to make you.  We want you to be happy.”

“And to not embarrass your suitors in the process.”

Liss’ fists tightened around the fabric of her skirts, agitated.  The only men she had embarrassed were those who thought it appropriate to speak to her as if she were a cut of meat or some delicate trophy to be placed upon a shelf.  She’d insulted Vaughan because he made vile remarks about not only one, but several of the servants.  Of course she’d refused to tell her parents about such things, and she was not certain if it was because she did not want to worry them or if it was because she did not trust them to view the situation in the same light she did.  For all their wonderful qualities, Bryce and Eleanor Cousland were not without blind spots of their own. 

“What will make me happy,” she bit back, words sharper than she would have liked, “Is for Arl Howe to leave me alone.  Poor Thomas, too, for that matter.  If that means I have to marry an empty suit of armor, then I will.”

“You know,” Mother said, shrugging, “Thomas would be an excellent match.” 

“Yes,” Liss sighed, throwing her hands up,”Completely good and not at all awkward.” 

“Why ever would it be awkward,” the other woman teased, smile twitching at the corners of her mouth. 

“Mother. Please.”

Her parents both sighed and exchanged knowing looks with one another before turning their gazes back to her, sympathy in their expressions making her skin crawl. 

“You know, sweetheart, if you keep searching for Nathaniel in the faces of anyone else who dares get close to you, you will always be disappointed.” Mother leaned forward to place a hand on Liss’ and squeezed.

“I’ve told you a thousand times.” Liss shook her head and offered them a laugh she did not feel. “I’m over him.  It was just a ridiculous adolescent infatuation.” 

“Whatever you say, pup.”  Papa smiled a small, sad smile and leaned back in his seat. “You’ll be lucky to find someone who loves you more than that young man.” 

“He doesn’t love me,” she snapped again, hot tears burning in her eyes.  “If he loved me, he would answer my letters.”

“If that is what you must believe, then believe it,” he said with a sigh, “But I do not think you are giving the boy enough credit.” 

“Can we… stop talking about this,” Liss asked, leaning against the wall of the carriage, eyes drawn back to the window, “Please?” 

Her parents exchanged skeptical glances and eyerolls before looking back at her and nodding in unison.  She wished she had ridden with Fergus and his family after all.  Oren’s million repetitions of “are we there yet,” and fussy complaints of being bored would be far preferable to the oppressive sympathy and understanding with which she currently contended. 

Liss  knew her mother and father not deserve her cold-shouldering and hostility, that they only worried for her and her happiness.  They also knew Nate better than most, and a small part of them must have believed him to be Liss’ person.  She had believed it for many years.  Still, the longer she waited without a word from him, the more unlikely it seemed that he had the same opinion. 

The remainder of the trip was quiet, but comfortable, her father occasionally breaking the silence to hum hsoftly or tell a joke in an attempt to pull Liss from her melancholy. It would have worked had she not been so stubborn.  As they arrived in Amaranthine, to Vigil’s Keep, it was not as stark as Liss had envisioned.  Large, stone walls encircled the fortress home of the Howe family as well as several small buildings that lined the walls of the battlements, most likely serving as houses for those who worked in the castle.  Bright golden, bear-adorned banners hung from doors and decorated battlements and lively, happy people milled about excitedly, brought down only by the downpour of rain that began as the clouds broke open.  

Howe guards ushered Liss and her family inside to the main hall.  It was large, open, and lined with large wooden beams.  Deep red carpeting ran the length of the room, from the entrance to the large pair of thrones at the front.  A large brazier stood in the center of the room, unlit yet inviting all the same, and torches burned along the walls illuminating bookshelves and gorgeous portraits.  Liss could scarcely imagine that such a lovely place could belong to someone as cold as Rendon Howe.  

“Liss,” shouted a familiar voice, excitedly, pulling her from her thoughts, “I am so happy you were able to make it.”

Liss turned just in time to see Delilah embrace her, long, thin arms wrapping easily around her shoulders, before pulling away.  It had been over a year since they had seen one another in person, and Liss’ chest tightened to look at the other woman.  Delilah was tall, and had always been thin, but not so thin that she seemed as fragile as her embrace felt.  Her bright blue eyes were sunken in and sat above dark circles.  The smile she wore on her lips did not quite reach the rest of her face. 

“Delilah,” Liss finally said, taking Delilah’s hands in her own and squeezing gently before letting go, “Are you—”

“Let me show you around,” Delilah interrupted the question, very deliberately, taking Liss’ arm and tilting her head toward the direction of one of the few doors in the room.

Liss followed Delilah, down the corridors, looking as she showed her the kitchens, dining hall, and several different wings.  Ending with the Howe’s specific living area.  She’d seemed nervous, frantic the entire time, and nothing like the even, happy girl Liss remembered. 

“This is Father’s room, Thomas’, mine,”she explained.  pointing at the various doors.

“Delilah.” Liss said her name gently, hoping the concern in her voice would warrant some explanation for the obvious anxiety.

Instead she continued the tour and pointed to the final door on the wing. “That one is Nate’s… or at least it was when he was—“

“Delilah.”Liss grabbed her arm, and she turned, tears sparkling in her eyes. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

Heaving a shaky sigh, the other woman whispered an answer. “Just before you all arrived, Father informed me that I’m… that he’s…” She trailed off, obviously struggling to speak the words.

“It’s okay,” Liss said, placing her hands on Delilah’s shoulders.

“It’s anything but okay,” Delilah stated sharply, sniffing between words, “I am to marry Vaughan Kendells.  Father and Arl Urien came to some sort of agreement.”

“You can’t,” Liss said urgently, “Vaughan is—“

“Horrid? Vile? I know.” Delilah took a breath and composed herself, straightening her posture and meeting Liss’ gaze.  “Unfortunately, I was not consulted on the matter.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Well, at least maybe now he’ll leave the servant girls alone.” Delilah laughed bitterly and shrugged out from under Liss’ touch.  “Father tells me this is only the case because your father refuses to make you marry Thomas. He intends to obtain influence one way or another, I suppose.” 

“My parents do not believe in arranging marriages,” Liss explained, pretending not to feel the sting of her friend’s words.  Delilah wouldn’t blame her for this, would she? 

“So this was your choice?”

“Yes.”

Delilah’s lips pressed into a thin line and she shook her head in disbelief.  “Can you not get over yourself?”

The question pierced Liss’ chest as well as any arrow could, and she nearly released an audible gasp. “But I thought—“

“You thought what?  That Nathaniel was going to come back at any moment?”  She was speaking loud enough that her words echoed down the hallway.  “You know, I tried to believe the same.  I really did, but it’s been seven years, and he hasn’t said a word to any of us.  He’s gone. He’s not coming back, and now I am to pay the price for everyone else’s selfishness.”

How frightened Delilah must have been to become so agitated, so uncharacteristically pointed. Liss didn’t want to cry, didn’t feel as if she had the right, but nevertheless the tears fell, and Delilah flinched. A worried knot formed between her brows and she reached out. 

“Maker, Liss,” she said gently, “I am so sorry.  I shouldn’t have— that was completely unworthy of me.”

“No. I understand why you’re upset with me.  It isn’t fair.”

“Nothing is fair,” muttered Delilah, smiling sadly, “But I shouldn’t take it out on one of the few friends I have. Please forgive me.”

“Of course.”

They embraced, and Delilah excused herself to clean up and make herself appear “presentable” again.  Liss turned to walk back down the hallway, toward the main hall, hoping to regroup with her family before guests began to arrive.  She couldn’t shake the uneasiness in her stomach that lingered from her friend’s words.  Was it truly her fault that Delilah was being forced into a marriage with Vaughan?  Wouldn’t Arl Howe certainly have made the arrangement regardless of Liss’ decision about Thomas?  How many lives did that man intend on ruining to make himself happy? 

 Just as she neared the staircase that would take her down to the main area, a large portrait that hung on the wall caught her eye, and she moved closer to get a better look.  It featured two, young, uniformed men.  One had raven hair, blue eyes, and an icy expression.  The other was only slightly shorter, with sandy brown hair and a wide smile.  It was a portrait of her father and Arl Howe, painted when they were much younger, likely around her own age.  She tilted her head and examined the young arl more closely.  She had not seen Nate since he was just seventeen, but the resemblance was still striking. 

“Ah,” remarked a voice behind Liss, causing her to jump and turn around.  It was Rendon himself, and Liss’ stomach twisted back into knots.  “Lady Elissa, there you are.  Your parents have been looking for you.”

“Delilah was showing me around,” she stated politely, “It has been so long since we visited your home, I had forgotten how lovely it is.”

“You are too kind, my lady,” he replied with a smile that almost appeared genuine.  Then he turned his gaze to the painting, smirk forming at the corners of his mouth.  “I see you’ve found the one portrait for which your father ever convinced me to sit with him.”

“It is a beautiful piece, my lord.”  Liss eyed him skeptically, but his expression was still sincere as he moved closer to examine the painting himself, hands behind his back.  

“It was just after my wedding to Lady Eliane,” he explained, “Your parents were the only guests in attendance.”

Liss shook her head and furrowed her eyebrows. “Why?”

“Our wedding was not long after the end of the Rebellion.  Despite the fact that my brother’s choice to join the Rebellion turned the tide of the efforts to retake the throne, despite his death in service to King Maric, and despite my own injuries at the Battle of White River, many among the nobility still mistrusted the Howes.  We were thought to be cowards and opportunists whose loyalties depended entirely upon who had the greatest odds of winning.”

“And those sentiments remained after the war had passed?”  

“Yes.” The answer was abrupt, but Liss could hear the emotion behind the word. “Eliane’s family held that opinion more fiercely than anyone else, and especially regarding me.”

Unsure what to say, and desperate to be out of conversation with the man, Liss helplessly muttered, “I am sorry to bring up painful memories, my lord.”

As if he did not hear her remark, he sighed and continued.  “Nathaniel was always so much like Leonas, always skeptical and questioning.  My word never satisfied the boy.”

Liss’ chest tightened.  Was this his aim, to taunt her with Nate again?  “And so you sent him to Starkhaven as punishment?”

“I sent him to Starkhaven for his own good,” Arl Howe said through his teeth, true colors bleeding through the facade of geniality he’d been wearing just moments prior, “I am not the monster he would have you believe.”

“Arl Howe,” Liss stated as boldly as she could, “Nate didn’t talk about you. Not unless it was to explain why he had to pretend I did not exist for days.”

“I see.” He frowned, and stood silently for longer than Liss would have preferred. “You are still quite taken with him, aren’t you?”

“No,” she answered tersely, eyes welling up with hot, angry tears, but she held them back.  “In fact, I’m not certain I could even still call him my friend.”

“Well, that is good news, indeed,” he said, still smirking,  “You are a lovely young woman, Lady Elissa, and it would be a shame to see you wasted on that fool boy.  I hope you reconsider your refusal to marry Thomas.”

Liss’ temper ignited immediately, but before she had the opportunity to snap at the arrogant man, to tell him where he could shove his arrangement, he nodded politely and left down the hallway, toward his quarters.  It was alarming and uncomfortable, his last words repeating themselves in her mind, a silent “or else” attached to the end, a vague threat of nothing or anything.  While she would have preferred anything to giving him what he wanted, she could not help but wonder if it might be better to appease him.  Thomas was kind and gentle, and not similar enough to Nate in appearance or demeanor that it would be too uncomfortable.  Would it be so terrible?

When Liss finally made her way back down to the throne room, several guests had already begun to arrive.  A handful of lesser lords from the bannorn mingled about, talking quietly, almost drowned out entirely by the boisterous Guerrin family, Bann Teagan in particular making jokes and rubbing arms with Liss’ father.  Arl Eamon stood some distance away with his lovely wife and son, speaking to Fergus and Orianna while the two little boys played.  They all looked so happy, so contented with this way of life, with stroking one another’s egos and pretending that nothing could possibly ever go wrong.  

Liss caught a glimpse of Lord Daerios, across the room, as well.  He was surrounded by young women, daughters of other Banns no doubt.  His eyes met hers and he winked, causing heat to rush to her cheeks.  She smiled and waved, ignoring the pangs of regret that she had been unable to love him.

In the far corner of the room, sulking in the shadows stood the only person who seemed remotely as miserable as Liss was, a kindred spirit among the revelry.  Thomas had once been such a cheerful boy, mischievous and fun.  She had always wondered how he was even related Nate.  However, in the years since his brother had left, Tom had struggled to live up to his father’s expectations for him, turning to the bottle to cope.  She approached him somberly, and he nodded when he saw her, a sad, knowing smile on his lips.

“You look like you’ve spoken to Delilah. Or Father.  Both, perhaps?”

“Both,” she answered, one persistent tear streaking it’s way down her face.

“Oh, no. Don’t do that.” Thomas said, patting his pockets until he found a handkerchief and pulled it out, extending it to her.  “I’m horribly bad at comforting women.”

Liss took the handkerchief and laughed as he continued.  “Come to think of it, I’m not very good at comforting anyone.  I can’t even make myself feel better most of the time.”

“Sorry, Tom.  I just—“

“Want to go for a walk, my lady?” Tom offered his arm to her. “We could go outside, maybe get some air.”

She tilted her head and laughed again. “But it’s raining.”

“Even better,” he said with a shrug, “It does seem to fit the current mood.”

“You have a point.”  Liss smiled and looped her arm through his, and allowed him to lead her out the front door and into the courtyard.  For a brief moment she wondered if anyone saw, worried what they might think.  Then, she decided she didn’t care.  Thomas was perhaps the only person in the world who knew exactly how she felt, who understood, and she refused to give a rat’s about how leaving another party with another man would look.  It wasn’t like that with Tom anyway. 

Outside, the rain fell with much more force than Liss had expected.  It was less of a somber stroll in a drizzle, and more of a dash through a torrential downpour to reach the entrance to the battlements.  They ran up the stairs and out to a covered area that looked over the courtyard.  Water drenched her hair and clothes, making them heavy.  A glance up at Thomas, and she saw water droplets fair from his dark brown curls.  He chuckled, tousling his hair as if that would help the situation.  

“Well then,” he remarked, staring out at the sky as if it had personally offended him, before sitting down and leaning his back against the parapet.  

Liss sat down next to him, and returned his handkerchief, now thoroughly wet from the rain.  “Think of it this way: We now have ample excuse not to go back inside.”

“Sorry I missed your ridiculously boring affair, Father, but Lady Elissa and I were lost at sea.” He waved his arms dramatically.  “We had to swim for days!”

“I am certain that he would not be amused.”

“Well, no,” he admitted, smile fading, “But what else is new?”

Several quiet moments passed in which she did not know what to say.  Thomas stared off into the space in front of him, scowl hardening his soft features.  It was the first time she had ever really thought he resembled his brother.  Unable to bear it any longer, Liss sighed and spoke.  “You know, we could save ourselves and everyone the trouble, and just get married.  It wouldn’t be so bad.” 

“Yes, the perfect reason to get married: not awful.”  He laughed and turned to face Liss. “Besides, I’m content with my father’s unhappiness.”

“What? It would only be on paper, and for formal occasions.” She laughed.  “All the other times we could go on as if we were not married. “

“What about when we have to make an heir?”  Thomas raised an eyebrow and heat rushed to her face as if she were suddenly modest.  

“That’s one of those ‘cross the bridge when you get to it’ sorts of problems,” she replied, waving her hand dismissively.

“It is a bridge I would rather not have to cross,” he admitted, looking down at the floor beneath him.  

“Am I that unappealing?”

“You are very beautiful, my lady.  Strong, fun, intelligent.”  He laughed and shook his head.  “It made sense that Nate would like you, but… I don’t, not in that way at least.  I’ve never liked any woman in that way.” 

“Oh,” Liss muttered, feeling awful for putting him in such a position that he disclosed something so personal to her.  

“I’ve not talked about it with anyone except Nate,” he explained, “And now you.  Please don’t tell anyone.  Not even Delilah.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” 

“Anyway,” Tom continued, finally bringing his eyes back up to meet hers, “What I am trying to say is that I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will not be allowed to freely be with whomever I want.  Not while father still lives and breathes.”

“Then why not be with a friend, someone who understands?”  Liss didn’t want to marry Thomas, now less than ever.  Yet she hated the idea that he would be miserable. 

“Because you should be with my brother,” he said, seriously, frowning. “You deserve to be with someone who loves you like he does at the very least.” 

“Tom,” she argued, “Nate hasn’t spoken to me in years.”

“I know, Liss.  He hasn’t spoken to me in years either.”  His words were pointed, but not at her.  “He’s a ridiculous, stubborn arse, and he’s going to regret that he ever thought he could pretend we don’t exist.  That doesn’t make him any less my brother, and it doesn’t make him any less in love with you.”

“I —”  She began to protest, but did not even know where to start, or if she even wanted to.  She wanted to believe that Nathaniel cared about her, but that made everything more difficult.  There were no easy answers if he still cared, no quick and easy solution to locking away her own feelings.

“I could probably have said that more gently, couldn’t I?”  He smiled apologetically. 

“Just a little,” she joked.  

They sat up in the battlements until the rain slowed, and their clothing was dry enough that their return to the main hall would not cause a stir.  The guests had all arrived, and music had begun to be played.  Everyone danced happily.  Even Delilah had cheered up as she twirled around with Fergus while Vaughan stood off to the side grimacing.  Oriana watched, eyes glittering with amusement. 

It was Oren who first noticed Liss’ return, grinning and flailing his arms excitedly as he ran to her.  She scooped him up in her arms easily and embraced him.  He wrapped his tiny arms around her neck, hands tangling up in her hair.  

“Auntie Liss,” he said, words lilting up into a question. 

“Yes?”

“Why are you all wet?”  He leaned back, eyebrows furrowed in concern. 

“We were lost at sea,” Thomas chimed in, pinching Oren’s little nose playfully, “Your auntie here is the only reason we didn’t drown.” 

“Thomas,” Liss scolded, but was unable to keep the laughter out of her voice. 

Oren’s eyes widened and he looked back to Liss, bringing his hands to her cheeks. “Is that true?”

“It’s completely true,” Thomas answered in her stead, “She even had to fight an enormous whale with her bare hands.” 

“Tom,” Liss scolded again, words muffled by her cheeks being squished together. 

“Oh wow,” Oren exclaimed, “You’re the bestest auntie ever.”

“And your the bestest nephew ever,” she answered, doing her best to hold back the blissful tears that welled in her eyes. 

“Oren, let go of Elissa’s face, child,” Oriana said as she approached.  She was both stern and gentle at the same time.  

“Mama, Auntie Liss and Thomas got lost at sea and Auntie Liss got them back here by fighting a whale.” 

Oriana raised her eyebrows and smiled, looking from Liss to Thomas.  “Sounds like quite the adventure.  Perhaps we can join next time, yes?”

“I love you, Liss,” Tom said, dryly, “But I am not getting lost at sea again for your family’s amusement.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I intend to return to my corner to sulk.”

Liss and Oriana both laughed as Thomas walked away, grabbing a glass of wine from one of the servants before doing so.  He’d be completely drunk within the hour, and Liss couldn’t say she blamed him.  She turned her head back so that she could look at Oren, still gazing up at her in adoration.  

“Hey Oren.”

“Hmm?”

“Want to dance with me?”

Oren grinned widely and wiggled down out of Liss’ arms, balancing himself before bowing and extending a hand to her as formally as a four year old could.  Liss looked up at Oriana who beamed proudly.  

“Well are you not just a proper gentleman,” Liss said, as she took his hand and walked him out onto the dance floor.  They spun and laughed and twirled, completely ignoring the steps to the Remigold, or whatever other ridiculous dance the others performed.  For the first time in years, Liss felt something she could only describe as contentment.  Nothing was perfect.  In fact, many things in her life, and in the lives of those around her, were the opposite of perfect.  However, they all had one another, and maybe that would be enough.  

[throtegote]

Yung Waitloz (2012 me’s rapper name)

(If you’d like to read this off my wix blog here’s the link: https://erikatriesall.wixsite.com/tlhodia)

If you get triggered by topics concerning body image and weight loss then proceed with caution or don’t proceed at all.

I probably discuss way too much personal stuff online, but hey, who doesn’t appreciate a little oversharing every once in a while?

I have never been skinny or slim, let’s start there. Sure, I was a tiny baby, but that was about it. I have always been bigger than a lot of my classmates and even now I’m in no way built like a Victoria’s Secret model. Also, keep in mind that I’ve never been clinically obese or severely overweight. Got it? Cool.

Enter My Mom. She has been on my case to lose weight for as long as I remember. I admit, there were times when I was particularly chonky, but that’s beside the point. I remember being 8-9 years old when she spent over 15 minutes ridiculing and calling me out on how my spandex gym tights made noises as my thighs rubbed together during our uphill walk around the residential estate. She was also and still is, fond of pinching my “love-handles” (in quotes because if I remember “You can’t even call them love handles because you have nobody loving you.”),  with her long-ass, sharp nails whenever they appeared over the waistband of my pants.

(I’m not bitter or anything)

Essentially, 8-year-old me was told to lose weight enough times to try. I ate the food they gave me, and only what they gave me, and went on walks occasionally with My Mom (which I despised because I really didn’t leave the comfort of my room to be berated by my birth giver). I even started taking netball more seriously and started athletics training. What I also started doing was paying close attention to the bodies of girls around me and playing spot the difference. Not too long afterwards I learned to hate clothes shopping and hide in group photos. When I look through photo albums and my parent’s phone galleries now, it’s plain to see that I was an Olympic grade camera dodger.

Fast forward a few years. Now I’m 11-12 years old. I’ve grown taller and older, so my weight distribution has changed, but I’m still not skinny. My Mom is still on me to lose weight, even more so now that I’m older and maturing into “womanhood” because apparently, it is a crime to wear pants only a few sizes smaller than your mother of similar body structure and lesser height. Now that I’m older and more educated, I’ve realized that even though I was playing a sport and jogging and going for aerobics with my mom occasionally, I won’t get skinny unless I change my diet. In fact, there was a time when some government nurses came to do regional health checks at school and some data included body weight (there was a crowd around me when it was my turn to hop on the scale. The boys laughed, I went to the bathroom and cried. But it’s all good). The nurses then asked me questions about stuff like the bread we had at home, if I ate junk food or added sugar, stuff like that. That’s when it clicked. It clicked real hard.

A typical school lunch packed by My Mom comprised a hotdog/ham sandwich/homemade burger, a packet of chips/crisps and a juice box or Tropica when she was feeling generous. Which is what my brothers and a lot of my friends were packing to school with no problems: but I’m not built like those people so I can’t eat like them, right? The lunch had to go. And go it did. And so did pretty much all my other regular meals.

If My Mom was distracted with getting ready for work, I’d ditch breakfast and lie about it, then hop onto the school bus. Getting rid of the stuff in my lunchbox wasn’t too difficult to do because I had friends who were happy to help. This meant that for the first 12 hours of the day all I had was a juice box or nothing at all. It worked. My Mom noticed and complimented my improved physique along with a handful of relatives. But was I skinny? Not even.

Then came the Google searches. “How to lose weight quickly” “How to get skinny” “How to get a thigh gap” “How to lose thigh fat fast” Just to name a few.

That’s when I discovered the infamous pro-anorexia community. Or should I say that’s when they found me? I’m not too sure.

Over the school holidays, I started with the so-called “K-pop” diets and did YouTube workouts every night with more consistency than my prayer life. Two boiled eggs for breakfast, some milk for lunch (which was disastrous because apparently, I’m lactose intolerant), and for dinner… water, with or without lemon or tea. It really depended on the day. Not that hard to get away with, really. When the fat girl says they’re not hungry, who are you to force them?

But I couldn’t lose weight fast enough. Sure, slowly killing myself was working, but was I skinny? Nah.

So, I turned to “thinspo” and “pretty girl diet” challenges and "pro-ana" coaches to guide me. (If you're somebody who thinks it's okay to coax children into dangerous eating disorders and potentially death, you deserve a chair. But make it electric. Periodt.) My stomach was flattening, and my pants came on a lot easier, but the truth was I was utterly miserable. Getting skinny was all I thought about. And I’m not talking about Victoria’s Secret model skinny, I got to a point where I was jealous of the science lab skeleton, no jokes. Food wasn’t food anymore; it was just numbers and macros. I was always dizzy and cranky and my hair was falling out and even though I had done it for long enough to overcome the hunger pangs, there was a new pain, one that manifested in my chest and couldn’t be treated with sleep or Panado. I was the only one on holiday for three months, so nobody noticed.

I was twelve when I first tried to off myself with prescription drugs. All because I couldn’t be skinny and in my head that meant I couldn’t be pretty, or loved, or befriended. I woke up after a 8-hour “nap” to find that nothing had changed.

Why am I exposing myself by telling this story?

If you’re a parent or sibling or anyone who cares for a child who you think needs to lose weight for whatever reason (hopefully for health-related reasons, not purely aesthetics), please do not leave them to their own devices. They will search for authoritative guidance elsewhere, and the wrong people may find them. People who prescribe oxygen as a meal plan and perpetuate the notion that if you can pinch at your flesh, then you are ugly and will remain ugly until you are feather-light. Despite being one of the smartest kids in my grade, I still fell for it. (Update: I’m still not skinny. I probably only fucked up my metabolism and lost hair. -100/10, would not recommend to my worst enemy.)

Good news is at some point I got sick and tired of feeling the way I did. My suicide attempt failed miserably but instead of trying again, I uninstalled all my calorie counter and fitness apps, tossed all my magazines in the trash and talked to my mom and made it a point to talk to friends more, especially those who understood in some way or another. The Body Positivity movement was rising, and that helped a lot. Big ups to all the lovely people on YouTube who post videos on #recovery.

But experiences like this don’t just go away. You don’t forget and move on. I still have relapses, I still feel insurmountable guilt after eating, I still feel like I would rather eat baked rat than gain weight, I still go through binge-restrict cycles. All stemming from events that happened over 8 years ago.

My Mom had some level of good intention, I won't disregard that. People on her side of the family suffer from chronic illnesses that can all be prevented if not managed better through proper diet and exercise and she doesn't want her kids developing high blood pressure at age 13. Fine, I get it. But damn.

If you can avoid doing this to yourself or someone impressionable in your life, please do. Model healthy behaviours for your kids to adopt and talk health; not snatched waistlines, not thigh gaps nor scale readings. Teach your kids not to base the entirety of their worth on their appearance. And do not, under any circumstances, body shame them.

Please?

Once again, a lot of what is here is based on personal experience and opinion (‘coz it’s my blog, duh’). If you have separate ideas or any disagreements, bring them up in the comments or email me. I love a good debate.

Also, if you currently relate to anything mentioned in this post, take this as your sign to get better. Trust me, you're worth it.

xoxo

Erika

[angelofthequeers]

Hold Me By Both Hands: Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I don’t own ML.

Chapter 16 | Chapter 18 | AO3 link

“Die already!” Alya growls, furiously mashing the buttons on her controller.

“No can do, babe!” Nino mashes just as hard, trying desperately to keep up with his girlfriend. But she’s on the warpath and is out for blood, so there’s absolutely no chance of him getting any ground on her, and he’s soon utterly crushed by Alya, who whoops and punches the air.

“I never knew that Alya was so ruthless at Ultimate Mecha Strike III,” Adrien comments, his voice slightly warped by the phone speakers. Marinette just laughs.

“Why do you think I never play against her?” she says, turning her phone so that she can see Adrien’s face while still letting him see the gameplay. “She’s terrifying.”

“And I can never beat Marinette!” Alya snarls, already loading a rematch with Nino, who looks like he’d rather be akumatised thrice over than go up against her again.

“That’s because she’s super talented!” Adrien says. Marinette beams at the compliment, idly marvelling at how she can smile now at something said by Adrien that would’ve turned her into a hot, gooey mess only weeks ago. And it’s not like he doesn’t still make her insides shiver, but the more she focuses on being friendly without the looming pressure of asking him out, the softer those shivers become. Part of her misses the hot intensity of her feelings for him, but really, would she be interacting with him in this way if she was still a disaster around him? She’s become better friends with him over the past few weeks than she had in all the months of crushing so hard on him that she could barely talk to him. Hell, she’s even stroking his hair consistently now.

Who knows? Maybe those feelings will bear fruit someday. But as it is, Tikki had been totally right; she’s far closer to Adrien as friends than when she’d been stressing over asking him out. And if something does happen between the, at least she’s got a solid foundation of friendship to build on.

“I wish you could have come,” she sighs. “It’s not really a sleepover if you’re not actually sleeping over.”

“Father was pretty firm,” Adrien says, his smile fading. “And I didn’t want to push it. There’s a line between teenage rebellion and being outright disrespectful.”

“It’s probably wise to pick your battles,” Marinette agrees. “But still. Now Nino has to sleep on the floor alone because Mum and Dad are on the whole “no boys and girls together!” thing.” She makes a face and Adrien laughs.

“Can’t we talk about this?” Nino pleads. Alya just gives the most terrifying laugh that Marinette’s ever heard and proceeds to crush Nino, who drops his remote and throws his hands up.

“I think that’s the end of that,” Marinette says, her lips twitching at how Alya immediately loses her scary competitiveness and tries to cajole Nino into hugging her when he’s looking at her as though she’s an akuma. “Maybe we should do something that you can actually do with us.”

“I don’t mind watching,” Adrien says. “I mean, I wish I was there, but this is better than just sitting in silence.” He smiles at Marinette. “And at least I get to talk to you.”

Marinette grins back, wondering why his face suddenly morphs into a look of horror.

“Uh – and Alya and Nino – when they’re not playing their game – not that it’s not nice talking to you –”

A voice in the background on Adrien’s end halts his rambling in its tracks. He grimaces and drops his phone on his pillow, giving Marinette a wonderful view of his high bedroom ceiling as his footsteps cross over to his door.

“Adrien, your father has requested that you practice your current piece –”

“But I’ve already done my piano practice today!”

“Yes, but your father is dissatisfied with your progress. He feels that you should practice the piece a little more until you reach his standards.”

“Seriously? He won’t let me go to my friend’s sleepover and now he’s not even letting me be there by phone?”

“If it was up to me, I would be perfectly happy for you to continue talking to your friends. But it’s not up to me.”

Marinette desperately wants to jump in and say something but doing so will only make things worse for Adrien. Plus, he probably doesn’t even realise that he’s got an audience of not just Marinette but also Nino and Alya, whose bickering has ceased so that they can listen in too.

“You know what? No.”

“Adrien –”

“All I ever do is practice my piano and fencing and Chinese and model for him! And he can’t even let me hang out with my friends for one night!”

“Adrien, this is so unlike you –”

“What, like going to school was unlike me?”

“Those were exceptional circumstances –”

“Leave me alone.”

“But –”

“I don’t care what Father says! Tell him that it was all me and you tried your best. Just…leave me alone for the rest of the night.”

“Adrien –”

“Leave me alone!”

There’s silence for a few moments. Marinette bites her lip and exchanges a glance with Alya and Nino, who look just as worried as she does.

“I’ll tell your father that you’re coming down with something and feel too unwell,” Nathalie finally says.

“Thank you, Nathalie!”

“But be warned, he will expect more effort in the next few nights to make up for this.”

“I don’t care. Really. Just…thank you.”

There’s the sound of the door closing, followed by footsteps that gradually grow louder. Marinette has a brief bout of motion sickness when the phone is picked up, making the screen blur and move wildly until it refocuses on Adrien’s miserable face.

“You okay, dude?” Nino says. Adrien smiles, but it’s a weak effort.

“Sorry you guys had to hear that. Guess I didn’t hang up like I thought.”

“What Nino said,” Marinette says when she notices how pale Adrien is. “Are you okay?”

“Honestly? I think I’m about two seconds from a panic attack. I can’t remember the last time I’ve put my foot down like that.”

“Well, are you sure you can’t make it over here?” Alya says, while Marinette’s stomach lurches. “You shouldn’t have to be stuck there with a borderline panic attack just ‘cause your dad’s on a power trip.”

“I wish I could. But there’s no way out without my father seeing except through my window, and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t survive the jump.”

Marinette briefly entertains the idea of turning into Ladybug and rescuing Adrien, but she has to force herself to think clearly. There’s no way she could explain how Ladybug found out about this so fast, not to mention that there’s no way she could explain her extended absence to Alya and Nino. Hell, she already pushes that enough during akuma attacks, and at least those are a convenient excuse. Her powerlessness right now makes her clench her fists. What good is she as Ladybug if she can’t help those who need it?

“Anyway,” Adrien says, pasting a grin on his face, “I’ll be fine so long as I can talk to you guys.”

“Do you at least know how to focus on your breathing?” Marinette says. “Five seconds in, hold for three, out for seven. Do it now, while we’re here.”

Adrien immediately obeys, sucking in a deep breath while Marinette counts to five, holding it, then releasing it while she counts to seven. After a minute or so, Adrien closes his eyes and sags.

“Thanks, Mari,” he mumbles. Marinette smiles at him.

“Any time!”

“I think I’ll be okay now if I keep my mind off it. What should we do next?”

“Anything but truth or dare,” Nino shudders. “Marinette and Alya get ruthless when they gang up on you.”

Marinette and Alya laugh together. The mood’s slowly starting to creep back to where it was before, but Marinette still can’t help but wish that there was more she could do for her friend than leaving him in his prison-like house and only having him over via phone call.

The next day, Adrien’s not at school, although Marinette’s not totally worried because he’d texted her beforehand to say that he’s being made to stay home due to Nathalie’s excuse of him coming down with something. Still, though, she can’t help but worry a little and that, mixed with her feelings of powerlessness, leaves her distracted all day. Especially since he’d also said that his phone was probably being taken for the day while he had lessons at home, so he hasn’t messaged her since his initial text and is therefore most likely unreachable.

“Marinette.” Ms Bustier’s voice snaps Marinette out of her haze. Marinette jumps and meets Ms Bustier’s eyes guiltily. “Please pay attention to the lesson.”

“Sorry!” Marinette says. Ms Bustier’s face softens.

“Are you feeling unwell? Do you need to be excused from class?”

“I…actually, now that you mention it, I do feel a bit sick.” It’s not like Marinette’s lying; her stomach really is rolling, and she hasn’t been able to concentrate all morning. Ms Bustier just can’t possibly know that it’s from anxiety over her friend rather than an actual illness.

“Alya, could you take Marinette to the nurse?” Ms Bustier says. “Marinette, if you still feel unwell after having a rest then please go home.”

“I’ll take her, Ms Bustier,” Chloé declares. The class goes dead silent. Ms Bustier is the first to recover.

“Thank you, Chloé, that’s very nice of you,” she says.

“I know,” Chloé says rather smugly. “I’m being super nice now. Come on, Dupain-Cheng.”

Although Marinette doesn’t trust Chloé at all, she can’t really say no when she’s the one showing Chloé how to be nice. So, rather than kick up a fuss, she swallows her words, packs up her things, and follows Chloé out of the classroom.

“What’s the deal, Chloé?” Marinette says when they’re walking down the corridor, Chloé strutting ahead of her. “If it was anyone other than me…”

“Because you’ve been a mess all day and Adrikins isn’t in class,” Chloé says. “I put it together. Something happened to him and you know what, and since he’s not answering my texts…”

“He probably doesn’t have his phone,” Marinette says. She explains what had happened the previous night, all the while wondering why she’s confiding in Chloé like they’re friends or something, and Chloé doesn’t look anywhere near happy by the end of her explanation.

“Cute,” Chloé drawls. “You’ve worried yourself sick over your friend. At least it’s not something super serious like I thought.”

“Nothing super serious? How can you say that?”

“Because his father’s like this all the time. It’s not like I’m happy, but at least I know it’s not something like having a broken leg or me needing to destroy whoever hurt him or something.”

Marinette totally doesn’t buy that. “Rubbish! After you let Adrien take the fall for what you did twice, pretending like you care is a total new low for you, Chloé. You don’t care about him at all, do you, you just see him as some trophy –”

Chloé’s hand shoots out to grab Marinette’s wrist and yank her down the next corridor and into the girl’s bathroom. “Don’t you even dare go there, Dupain-Cheng,” Chloé hisses, squeezing Marinette’s wrist as the door slams shut behind them. “I’m trying to be nice so that my best friend will talk to me again, so don’t you even think of implying that he’s just a shiny thing to me. I just…didn’t realise how special he was until he stopped talking to me for good. I didn’t realise that I was treating him like shit as well as all you peasants since, you know, that’s my default.”

An awkward silence falls over them. Chloé clears her throat and lets go of Marinette, then deliberately wipes her hand on her jacket. Marinette stares at Chloé with a tilted head.

“Are you really in love with him?” she says. Chloé just sniffs and looks away. “You can tell me, Chloé. I’m the last person who’d go telling everyone your private information.”

“You hate me, Dupain-Cheng,” Chloé snaps. “I hate you. Forgive me if I don’t believe that.”

“I don’t hate you,” Marinette says. “Not since you asked me for help. I’ve actually been…impressed at how you’re really trying to be nice. I don’t like you, but I don’t hate you. And even if I did hate you, I wouldn’t go spreading around anything that you tell me in private.”

Chloé stares at her for a long moment, then sighs. “You’re, like, the one person I can actually believe wouldn’t do that to me,” she mutters. “Stupid, goodie-two-shoes Marinette Dupain-Cheng. No, I’m not in love with Adrien, okay? He’s like my brother. But I don’t want anyone else to get near him.”

“Why? If you’re really that close, you can’t possibly believe that he’d abandon you for someone else, right?”

“He did!” Chloé clenches her fists and stomps her foot. “He left me for – for you! And that Ladyblogger and weird DJ!”

“Only because you were being mean and he knew that he had the power to push you to become a nicer person,” Marinette counters.

“Exactly! Now I’m stuck turning myself into some fake, nice, smiley person that I’m not just to get my friend back!”

Marinette’s face softens as she regards Chloé, who snarls and looks away, crossing her arms. “Then don’t do it for Adrien,” Marinette says. “That’s what I’ve been telling you. Find a reason why you want to be nice.”

“I don’t have a reason! Don’t you get it? Why should I want to be nice when I can get everything I want anyway?”

“You didn’t end up being class president. You’re always getting kidnapped by akumas with a vendetta. No one apart from Sabrina and Adrien likes you, and Sabrina’s more of a servant than a friend. Those are three good reasons.”

“Whatever, miss perfect know-it-all. Come on, we’re supposed to be at the nurse’s office.”

As Chloé storms for the door, Marinette scrambles for one last line of reasoning as to why Chloé should keep being nice. Finally, as Chloé’s pushing the door open, Marinette blurts out, “What about Ladybug?”

Chloé freezes. “What about her?”

“You’re her number one fan, right? Well…why not do it so you can be the kind of person Ladybug would love to have as her number one fan?”

“Are you implying that she doesn’t see me or want me as her number one fan?” Chloé arches an eyebrow as she turns, letting the door slam shut again. Marinette gulps. Now she has to be careful with how she navigates this, or she’ll end up either outing herself or offending Chloé into hating Ladybug again.

“I never said that,” Marinette says slowly. “Look, if you truly can’t do it for yourself, do it to become a person that Ladybug would be proud of. I know I try every day to strive to be the kind of person that Ladybug would approve of. And once you’re in the habit of being nice, who knows? Maybe you’ll find that you really do enjoy having people like you and want to do nice things for you because they like you and not because they fear you.”

“Hmph.” Chloé crosses her arms. “Well, she did totally praise me for being nice and helpful at my party. Whatever. Come on, Dupain-Cheng. You’re supposed to be sick.”

“You could start being nicer by calling me by my first name,” Marinette says as she follows Chloé out of the bathroom. Chloé snorts.

“Over my dead body, Dupain-Cheng.”

[purplesurveys]

851

How have you been feeling lately? Have you been doing ok? Uncomfortable because of period cramps and the heat WHICH IS STILL HERE, even though it’s supposed to be gone right about now and it’s supposed to be raining at this point. I wish I was kidding saying this but we literally have three electric fans turned on just for the living and dining rooms. It’s crazy and stupid and it shouldn’t be this hot anymore. I’m doing better mentally and emotionally, so at least that balances things out lol.

Are you currently in quarantine? Still am. While all countries are slowly going back to normal, our Covid cases continue to get higher and higher everyday because our government hasn’t done anything except to make us stay home for three months. No mass testing, no alternate public transport plans, and for some reason Duterte keeps borrowing billions of dollars’ worth of loans from the World Bank nearly every week, and we have no idea where the stupid fucking money goes. Our government is convinced they’ve been doing everything right so they’ve loosened up quarantine protocols, so with malls and restaurants being open again we’ve done nothing but reach record high cases almost every day.

Do you wear a mask when you go to the store? I’ve gone outside a total of three times since March and I wore a mask for two of those times. The first time I went out I just genuinely forgot to bring a mask, but in the end it was fine because I only had to stay in the car.

Does your state require people to wear masks in stores? As far as I know it’s not a requirement per se, but fortunately everyone follows the safety precautions anyway.

Do you know anyone who’s had the coronavirus? Yeah, my mom’s former boss. This is a bit of a stretch but I also know someone personally who had immediate family members that tested positive.

What was the last sweet treat you ate? I had a peanut butter doughnut from J.CO! Soooooooo good.

Was it a nice day out today? No, it’s too hot. Even if life was normal rn I’d prefer to be indoors with air conditioning, like a mall.

Is the weather nice where you live usually? Fuck no. It is disgustingly hot, sticky, and humid 3/4 of the year.

What was the last thing you ordered online? I don’t do a lot of online shopping. When I get something online it’s usually to get food delivered, and the last time I did that it was me and Andrew getting Hong Kong noodles.

Are you expecting a package right now? Nopes.

Have you ever ordered anything from Wish? If so, what did you buy, and did you feel it was worth it? No, though I remember Good Mythical Morning featuring it in a couple of episodes. I don’t feel comfortable buying from stores or sellers that sell things for a lot cheaper because they could always be fake, so I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying from that site.

Are you a youtuber? If so, are you consistent with uploads? and how many subscribers do you have? I’m not, but I do have my own channel. I just use it to like videos and subscribe to my favorites, though.

What is one thing you hate about summer? The weather. Honest to goodness I’d really rather live somewhere that gave me -40C weather everyday.

Did you go outside today? No. My dad wanted to bring Cooper to my grandma’s place and I planned to come along, but at the last minute he changed his mind and did just the errands he was supposed to do.

What is the name of your youtube channel, if you have one? It’s just my full name because my YouTube is linked to my Google account.

What was the name of the last store or restaurant that overcharged you? I don’t know any instances where that would happen. I don’t find service charge inconvenient because I know that directly goes to the servers anyway so I don’t mind how high it gets most of the time. Is your room more often messy or clean? It’s clean most of the time but sometimes when I’m busy I won’t be able to keep it clean and it’ll be clean-messy? Like I’ll leave stuff around but I’ll still know where everything is lol.

Who is someone you miss? ALL MY FRIENDS BRUH

What is something you miss? Being able to go out and freely do activities. Life Pre-COVID < Life pre-COVID, perfectly put. I miss getting an allowance, being out until midnight, having dates with my girlfriend thhe most.

Do you feel like your emotions are often haywire? Not necessarily, but they can get pretty unstable sometimes.

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis from a doctor? Nah but I’ve been given a prescription that didn’t work. We went to our family doctor who made me take a certain medicine for three days, and I started getting worried when three days had passed and I still had my fever. I went to Angela’s mom and she was super quick to tell me that that medicine wasn’t the right one to take for a UTI and prescribed me with something else; and that second one ended up working like magic.

Have you ever been “diagnosed” with a mental illness from an online friend? who is not a doctor? If yes, isn’t that frustrating? That’s never happened before, but if it did I wouldn’t let my frustration get the best of me. I’d just tell them that they should avoid doing that if they’re not a professional because they could very much end up seriously harming people.

Do you have any friends that you can trust and tell everything to? All of them.

What was the name of your favorite roommate you’ve had? Kimi :)

Do you have a favorite book that you’ve read multiple times? Yeah when I was a kid I would reread this book that an aunt had given me for Christmas as much as I could. For many years I forgot the title but after painstakingly Googling the few keywords I could remember I finally found out it again – it’s a series called Three Girls in the City by Jeanne Betancourt, but I only ever read the first book because it was the only gift I got. It’s not my favorite book, but I’d be so happy if I got to be reunited with it again because I don’t think we got to keep it around when we moved houses.

What’s one book or book series that you’ve read multiple times? ^ That, multiple wrestling memoirs, and Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. I’ve also reread the Twilight Saga once.

What was the name of the funniest kid you’ve ever babysat? I never babysat anyone other than younger relatives, but the one I enjoyed taking care of the most was my cousin Lucas. He was the smartest kid I babysat so it was fun talking to him, plus his yaya was always nice to me, they had a playground and sandbox at home, and all I had to do was keep him company while he watched Thomas and Friends over and over.

Do you enjoy babysitting? Just the younger relatives that were smarter and more behaved. I didn’t like the kids who thought kicking and being rowdy were fun.

Do you have any big regrets? One big one.

Are there things about your past that bother you? Of course. My entire childhood is one.

What was the last thing you saw or read on social media that made you angry? OMG get ready for this one. Our dumb as a rock presidential spokesperson was talking about how happy he is that the country beat UP’s (my school, which the government hates because we always talk shit about them lol) prediction of 40,000 Covid cases by the end of June if the government doesn’t do anything to prevent more cases. How many cases do we have? Fucking 36,000. Our government is happy because they finally beat our school over something for the very first time and they are technically happy that we got 36,000 cases, which if you round up will give you 40,000 anyway. My school had a fucking FIELD DAY over it and now he is a national meme.

Do you often post about controversial topics on facebook? At first I didn’t but that’s because I wasn’t active on Facebook in the past anyway. After I realized that I had a bigger friends list on Facebook I decided to put it to good use and post about controversial topics to educate others. It’s made a bunch of conservative family members uncomfortable and that’s the goal, son. 

Do you think it’s a good idea to post about serious topics on social media? or do you think that it’s better to discuss serious topics in person? It definitely is. In person is good too but you don’t always get that opportunity, so sharing stuff through social media doesn’t hurt too as long as information is accurate. For instance most of my relatives life far from me, so if I want them to get a piece of my mind about Trump or BLM or abortion, sharing informative graphics and tables is always convenient.

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? Without Seeing the Dawn by Stevan Javellana is my absolute favorite. It’s probably the closest thing to being my favorite book. Number the Stars by Lois Lowry is a good runner-up. On the other hand, Dekada ‘70 by Lualhati Bautista is my favorite that was written in Filipino.

Have you ever failed a class and had to repeat it? Nope. I really believe I was meant to fail algebra in my freshman year in high school because I failed every exam, but I think my teacher just took pity on me and gave me a barely-passing mark at the end of the year so that I didn’t have to go to summer school. As for college, I’ve never failed a class.

What class in school did you hate the most? In college I hated my economics elective. I still don’t know why that’s mandatory for us journ students... I also dreaded a couple of journalism classes, but it was more because of the teachers than the classes’ topics.

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? I don’t think so.

What’s one childhood dream that has stuck with you, and one that has not? Having a big house; becoming a firefighter.

Would you want to re-live your childhood over again if you could? I’ve already said it on this survey, but: fuck no. I’m ok where I am now, even if I am a clumsy adult.

Which do you like more: being an adult or being a kid? Being an adult. Being a kid meant having to stomach the smell of hard alcohol and cigarettes from morning to evening everyday; being caught in the middle of screaming matches between drunk relatives; and being cramped in a single-floor home with 12 people. Like I said, I love where I am now. The amount of independence I gained in college was freeing and felt so nice and I’m glad my parents never tried holding me back. I’m also glad that I didn’t fall into the same alcohol trap, and that I know how to deal with my alcohol responsibly.

At what age were you when you started to feel like you were mature enough to offer others advice? Around college-age, so like when I turned 18.

Did your parents smoke or drink when you were growing up? Neither of them did, because we had enough alcoholism happening at my old home. It was actually my drunken relatives that finally drove my mom out of that house.

Do you enjoy bonfires? I’ve only been to one and I was like 9 years old then, so I wouldn’t know how I feel about them now.

Have you ever stepped on a sparkler? Nope.

What, do you know of, are you allergic to? No allergies.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Also nopes. I always feel bad for the ambulances that I see because I live in a very traffic-heavy city and they always end up getting stuck and crawling through traffic like the rest of us. We do try to swerve, but our roads are so tiny and always cramped that there’s little space left for us to move out of the ambulance’s way, so even though we’re able to make a path for it, the space is not big enough for the ambulance to drive in the speed it’s supposed to.

What is your favorite version of the Bible to read, if applicable? That’s a big no thanks from me.

Do you follow trends? or are you a trendsetter? Yeah, I follow some of them if I think they are nice.

Has anyone ever described you as a trendsetter? Nope, because I am not.

Do you know anyone who used to be loving, but then turned cold? List three people you’ve known whom this has happened to. My mom, Athenna, Macy. The only person I don’t resent out of these three is Macy, because I know she turned distant due to mental health issues and because she wants to fix herself first, which is responsible.

What SAT subjects, if any, did you get a perfect score in? We don’t have SAT.

What were your best subjects in school? and what was your favorite subject in school? I loved taking history electives in college, and I performed the best in them too. I also did well in international relations, which was under the political science department.

Have you ever been abused by a parent or legal guardian? I’ve been verbally and emotionally abused by my mom ever since I can remember.

Do you have a lot of wounds from your past? If we’re getting visual then I’d rather say that I have one ugly, infected gash that gets bothersome from time to time. My past isn’t made up of little tiny scattered wounds.

Has anyone ever called you a jerk? Behind my back, probably.

Are you a jerk? I can be, so I don’t mind being called it. I never said I was the nicest person.

What color were your bedroom walls in high school? They have always been white. My mom doesn’t let us have control over our own rooms, so in the beginning it’s always been plain boring white. Don’t get me wrong, I like my room but sometimes it just feels like living in a cell.

Is there a girl or guy you wish you hadn’t let slip away? I wish I was still close with my high school friends, and I remember saying how they were for keeps in my old surveys so that makes me extra sad haha. I’m civil with most of them, but no longer close. And I only ever talk to them if it’s their birthdays or if they achieved something big. The only people I’ve remained close with from that original group are Angela and Hans.

Is there an old friend that you miss and would like to reconnect with? Not really. Sofie and I have grown apart from each other now and we’re both very happy, so there’s no need to change that. I’m okay with seeing her once or twice a year.

Who has hurt you the most? My mom.

Have you been bullied? Yeah in kindergarten. Long-lasting effects though.

Which talent show, if any, would you most like to audition for? and have you auditioned for one? No thanks. I don’t have the kind of talent that I can show off, like singing or playing an instrument.

Do you know anyone who’s auditioned for American Idol? I don’t think so. But my mom knows someone who auditioned for our local version of America’s Got Talent. He’s a ventriloquist that my mom used to get for our parties. As far as I know he got into the grand finals, but I’m not sure if he won.

Is there someone you think should audition that hasn’t yet? American Idol’s been over for a while now.

What time of day do you usually feel your best? I love the evenings.

What’s one way in which you’ve changed within the last ten years? I was in sixth grade then, I’ve graduated from college now. My mom was purely verbally abusive to me then, now we have brief stints of having an actually healthy relationship. I had one dog then and I have two dogs now; I had no friends then and I have tons of them now. There’s been a lot of tiny changes but nothing that were life-changing.

Do you feel like time goes by fast, or slow? It goes both ways depending on how stimulated I am or how much fun I’m having.

Who do you know who has died of cancer? One of my great-aunts.

Has there been cancer in your family? Yeah, ^ that. Other than her I’m not sure if we’ve had other cases. My family tends to be hush-hush about cancer and only ever call it ‘c’ or ‘the big one.’

Have you ever stayed overnight in a hospital, and if so, what for? Yes, once for a low platelet count.

Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? No but the cops here are just as corrupt as the ones in the US, so I can very much be a victim any time. It’s just a matter of being in the wrong place at the right time.

Have you ever been so angry you wanted to sue someone? Not so much that I wanted to sue someone, no.

Have you ever been a victim of racism? My country isn’t diverse at all and we’re all Filipinos here, and I’ve only ever traveled to Asian countries, so no. But racism is a big reason why I have no plans to go to other countries known for it.

Have you ever deleted a friend on Facebook for making racist comments? I’ve unfriended those who were being little bitches about BLM and George Floyd’s death, so I guess that kinda counts as being racist. I still have a few racist Facebook friends that I keep around, but that’s because they’re family members.

What was the last thing you ate? Binagoongan.

What was the theme of your senior prom? Clair de Lune, so like the moon and shit.

Did you go to prom? It was mandatory, so I had to go even though I really had no interest.

Have ever been engaged or married? I have been neither.

Are you an aunt or uncle? Nah but I’m a godmother to one of my cousins.

Do you live to glorify God and to do His will? LOL no

Are you happy with the way you are living your life day-to-day right now? It could be better and more filled with activity. But I’m not miserably depressed right now and that’s more than enough for me.

Do you feel like your life was better or worse six years ago? It was slightly better. I feel like 2014 was my best year.

Have you ever made a huge, catastrophic mistake? Not anything that ruined my life or someone else’s, no.

Do you feel like you are currently in a state of suffering? and that not all of your basic needs are being met? If so, how long have you been in a state of suffering? Basic needs?? So you mean poverty? No.

Do you hate social injustice? Absolutely. Anyone who tolerates it is automatically a gigantic prick, I’d say.

Are you happy with the current social class you are in? No. I don’t know how it translates to English, but in Filipino we have this term called naghaharing-uri that comprises the very very very very tiny top of the social pyramid and it’s made up of top government officials and their families, heads of corporations, old money families, etc. It’s no secret that it’s this 1% that exploits the 99% remaining in the pyramid, so even though I’m relatively comfortable in my class, I hate that, when it comes down to it, we’re only being used by this 1% for their own benefit.

Life isn’t fair. True or false? True.

Do you hate that life is so unfair? Sometimes, if it’s for stuff about social injustice and how some people have to be homeless, why homophobia exists, etc. But if it’s for tiny problems, I feel like they’re necessary sometimes so we can learn from them.

Name a few people who seem to have everything handed to them. Some richer kids that I know.

Who do you go to when you’re upset? Sometimes myself, sometimes Gabie.

Do you pray less or more than you did 5 years ago? A LOT LESS, thank fuck I got out of that trap.

Do you pray a lot? Definitely not.

Do you frequently have back pain? Yeah, haha. Kinda expected considering I have scoliosis.

What’s the worst side effect you’ve experienced for a medication? and what’s the worst withdrawal effect you’ve experienced from a medicine? Nothing worse than diarrhea. I’ve never experienced withdrawal.

Have you ever used an epi pen? Nopes.

What’s a name that you like but probably wouldn’t use for one of your kids? Isabella because I’m already an Isabelle and my girlfriend has a sister named Isabela.

What’s your name, and do you like it? Robyn. I like it now.

Would you prefer to give your kids common names or unique names? Common, more old-school names. I just feel like they sound super elegant.

Do you feel like anybody values you in the way that you deserve? Angela, Andrew, and Gab.

Who have you felt the most valued by? ^ Them.

Have you ever been treated like you were inferior? For sure.

What was the name of the biggest bully in your high school? Oh my god this survey is so long... we didn’t have bullies in high school. We had mean girls and mean girl cliques, but as long as you weren’t involved in drama with them you’d be fine.

Do you ever sleep outside? Nah. I’d sleep at the rooftop but there are sooooo many mosquitoes at night.

How many siblings do you have? Two.

Are you the oldest, youngest, middle, or only child? Eldest.

How many kids do you want to have? One or two would be great.

Do you want to get married? Yessssssss.

Best date you’ve been on? Probably that time we went to BGC so we can feel fancy and have a fancy dinner, then when we meant to walk back to our car to go home we ended up having impromptu drinks at like 11 PM when we randomly found a jazz bar loudly playing live music in the area. OH and that time we went museum hopping in Manila and we ended the day having delicioussss Italian food.

Dream date? Traveling out of the country.

Ever kissed someone on New Year’s? Nah. We celebrate New Year’s with our respective families so there’s no chance of that happening. Which is fine, because New Year’s is traditionally a family-centric holiday here so it would be weird for anyone to ditch their families.

Have you ever had an experience so good you felt like you were flying? Sure.

Have you ever been in so much pain you prayed that you would die? YES, with my toothache last year.

What brings you the most joy? My dogs.

What is your passion; what is it that would bring you the most joy and fulfillment in life? I’m at a point where it still keeps changing, so I don’t wanna give an absolute answer to this just yet.

Have you ever laid your dreams aside because someone else wanted you to? That’s never happened to me. I only ever gave up on one dream because it realistically wasn’t attainable, when it came down to it.

Who supports you in everything you do? My two best friends.

Who always tries to stop you whenever you try to go after your dreams? I haven’t had anyone bar me, but if someone tried to they would definitely hear from me.

Do you believe in following your heart, in going after your dreams? Not always.

Do you wish other people would want you to be happy? Of course.

Do you wish you had someone who loved and supported you? I already do.

[missmentelle]

What is BPD and how does it manifest? What are your personal experiences with it and what are the misconceptions?

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health condition that severely disrupts your ability to form stable and healthy attachments to others, and to form a stable and healthy sense of yourself. It usually develops for the first time in your late teens or early 20s, and it can last for the rest of your life, although many people with BPD are able to successfully control their symptoms or even achieve full remission if they seek mental health treatment. BPD can be a brutal disorder to live with, and the symptoms can seriously impact your day-to-day functioning. People with BPD may find it incredibly difficult to achieve their goals or lead a “normal” life. Unlike people with other personality disorders that affect relationships, people with BPD desperately want to have healthy relationships with other people, but their symptoms make this incredibly difficult to achieve, which is a constant source of frustration and shame for many people who have this disorder. Symptoms of BPD include:

Intense and near-irrational fear of abandonment. They live with constant fear that the people in their lives will abandon them, even if there are absolutely no signs that this is the case. They will go to extreme lengths to avoid being abandoned, even if the risk of abandonment is entirely imaginary. 

Relationships that are very intense, and very unstable. They tend to engage in a pattern called “splitting”, where they see someone as wonderful and flawless and perfect in one moment, and then see them as worthless, unreliable and untrustworthy the next. They either have you on a pedestal or they are convinced that you hate them, with very little time spent between those two extremes. 

Frequent mood swings. This is more than just the usual “up and down” of something like bipolar disorder - they swing between a wide range of emotions like shame, disgust, euphoria, despair, rage and everything in between. 

Disproportionate emotional reactions. People with BPD have more or less the “correct” emotional reaction to events in their lives, but the intensity of their emotional reaction is completely blown out of proportion. A neurotypical person might be mildly annoyed if their partner forgot to text them when they promised to. A person with BPD may lapse into full-blown rage and despair, and these intense feelings could last for hours or days. Anger is the most common emotion that they experience with added intensity, and it can even cause harmless interactions to quickly escalate. 

Reckless behaviour. People with BPD often partake in high-risk behaviour, like drug use, unprotected sex, gambling, spending sprees, or unsafe and reckless driving. They also have a tendency to self-sabotage - sometimes when things are going well in their lives, they will suddenly quit their jobs, drop out of school and break up with their partners with absolutely no warning. 

An unstable sense of their own identity. This is hard to explain to someone who doesn’t experience it, but most people have a pretty stable sense of who they are, what they value, what they want, what their goals are, etc. People who BPD do not have any stable answers for any of those things. Their sense of “self” shifts rapidly and often. They may completely change their entire image of themselves from day to day, or go through periods where they even doubt if they exist. 

Self-harm and suicidal behaviour. People with BPD frequently self-harm, and they have one of the highest suicide rates of any disorder. Their self-harm is usually triggered by a real or imagined abandonment or rejection, and it can be extremely difficult to manage. 

A general sense of emptiness. People with BPD often feel that their lives are meaningless, or that they will never be happy. They might feel like nothing matters, or that they are bad, worthless people who do not deserve to be happy. 

BPD is a very tricky disorder to cope with, especially when it comes to relationships. It is important to remember that people with BPD are not bad people, and it is not their fault that they have this disorder. Many of the behaviours they exhibit are the result of all the pain and distress that they are feeling, not because they have any malicious intent. Many of them are simply desperate to be loved, and their extreme emotions are what prevent them from achieving this in a healthy way. At the same time, though, it’s important to acknowledge that people with BPD can cause serious harm to people they form relationships with, and the pain that their friends, family members and partners feel is just as real and just as valid. People with BPD are sometimes the perpetrators of abuse (as well as the victims), and it’s naive to think that a potential partner can overcome these issues through love and patience alone. The symptoms are aggravating to deal with as a person with BPD actually experiencing them, and they can be exhausting or terrifying to deal with as the partner of a person who has BPD. A diagnosis of BPD is not an excuse to treat others badly, and people with this disorder are still responsible for recognizing when they need to seek help, or when they might need to take a break from relationships as a whole. 

I’ve had numerous experiences with BPD in my lifetime. I’ve worked with it as a mental health professional; many of the homeless kids I worked with met the criteria for BPD, and for many of them, BPD was at least contributing to their ongoing homelessness. Some had burned bridges with family members or professional organizations that could help them, due to their erratic or intense behaviour. Many had experimented broadly with drug use, reckless behaviour or casual sex, and had faced life-altering consequences - like drug dependency, criminal records or unwanted pregnancies - as a result. Many of them were caught up in very intense and very unhealthy romantic relationships, and they were unable to work on other aspects of their life (finishing school, finding housing, finding employment, etc) because all of their time and energy was devoted to their high-needs relationships. It’s hard to get someone to sit down and work on their math homework when they feel an intense need to comb through their partner’s instagram for any signs of cheating. It can be a very tricky disorder to deal with as a professional, because you are no exception to the person’s fear of abandonment or their intense relationship style - it can be more difficult to form consistent trust and rapport with BPD clients than it is with other clients, which makes treatment difficult. 

I also have a lot of hands-on experience with BPD in my personal life. I lived with a partner who had BPD for two years, although he only received his official diagnosis after we had already ceased living together. We got together as teenagers, and as far as I can tell, he developed BPD in his early 20s, around two years after we met. My ex refused all forms of mental health treatment, and living with a person who had untreated Borderline Personality Disorder was one of the most exhausting and difficult experiences of my life. He had the classic “splitting” pattern; much of the time, he had me up on a pedestal, and he would boldly tell me and other people that I was the most perfect person who ever lived, that I was the answer to all of his problems, and that he never needed anything or anyone else in the world as long as he had me. Other days, he would tell me that I never cared about him, that he would never be good enough for me, and that I secretly wanted to leave him. We had some happy days, hanging out and just being best friends who were madly in love with each other, but as his disorder really took hold, the extremes became much more common. His behaviour became reckless and erratic, and he started leaving our apartment at night to break into nearby abandoned buildings and construction site. He never developed any anger problems, but he became despondent, and started spending entire days sobbing on the couch and contemplating suicide. His goals and view of himself changed weekly - some weeks he saw himself as smart and studious, and some weeks he saw himself as being doomed to homelessness. I cared about him very, very much, but I could not live like that anymore. He was not a bad person and his situation was not his fault - although it was his responsibility to accept help, which he failed to do - but he was not good for my own mental health. No one is obligated to stay in such a tumultuous and unstable relationship, and unfortunately it reached a point where I could not do it anymore. 

Unfortunately, my current partner and I are also dealing with a situation with BPD at the moment. In this case, however, he has an ex-partner with BPD who cannot accept that their relationship is over. Every couple of weeks she calls him in the middle of the night, sometimes to declare that he is the most wonderful person she ever met and insist that they were meant to be together. Other times, she calls to tell him that he is a terrible person who never cared about her or respected her, and she informs him that she is in the middle of self-harming because of him. We both acknowledge that she is a deeply troubled individual, and neither of us have any ill will toward her. He informs her family every time she calls, and I have no issues with him picking up the phone to talk to her in the middle of the night if it means that someone can be made aware of her in-progress self-harm. Again, she is not a bad person and her issues are not of her own making. Her case happens to be particularly extreme - most people with BPD do not even approach this level of inappropriate behaviour - but I cannot deny that it is a source of distress in my life. 

There are two big misconceptions about BPD that I think should be dispelled. The first is the notion that BPD is a “female” problem. While it is true that female diagnoses of BPD outnumber male diagnoses considerably, there are probably a lot of social biases at play. A man who has intense relationships in his early 20s and copes by doing drugs, sleeping around and driving fast is seen as “normal”, or “just blowing off steam”. A woman who behaves the same way is considered mentally ill. Men who present with characteristic symptoms of BPD may instead receive a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, depression or anxiety, due to the notion that BPD is only a female problem. Women who have symptoms of Bipolar Disorder, depression or anxiety may be diagnosed with BPD. People tend to see what they expect to see, and many clinicians expect to see lots of women with BPD. 

The other misconception I want to dispel is that idea that BPD never gets better. It is the most treatable of the personality disorders, and most people with the condition see at least some improvement after their mid- to late twenties. Therapy and medication can help treat the symptoms to make life and relationships more manageable, and people with BPD who receive proper treatment can even achieve full remission of their disorder. This is a difficult disorder, but it is not a life sentence, and it should never be assumed that people who have this disorder are going to be this way forever. Hope and treatment are out there. 

Hope this answers your question! 

[mkayisinsane]

Another 11/11/11 Tag Game!!

I was tagged again haha thanks @spilledinkpot for the tag, I really appreciate it! Again, sorry I took so long!

Her questions:

1. Are any (or all) of your ocs inspired by real people or other characters?

Not all of them, and much less so as I get older, but in my early writing every character had a real-life counterpart. Most often, my protagonist's best friend or most trusted person is based off of my parabatai. However, I do pretty much always imagine myself as the main character, or sometimes the villain. Also, imagining yourself as your OC aids the writing process SO MUCH I cannot stress that enough.

2. What is/was your inspiration for your current WIP?

I have a lot of current WIPs, I'm gonna go with my most recent, Flirting with Death. My inspiration was kinda morbid, I was literally sitting in the library at my college waiting on my mother to get me so we could carpool to a funeral. And a few guys were walking past where I sat, eyeing me up and down and I thought to myself, "I swear if one of them tries to hit on me right now I'm gonna make them regret it." And then Thana Carmichael was born. And those guys quickly escaped the death glare I gave them.

3. Do you prefer to plan your characters out, or develop them as the story progresses?

I normally have the base of my character and their personality and how they handle things worked out before I start writing them, but for the most part I develop them as the story progresses. I like to write them in such a way that I learn a little more about them as I go, just like the reader would.

4. How do you deal with writer's block?

I don't lol just kidding! It really depends, if I'm writing and I don't absolutely have to continue or get it done right then, I take a break. Listen to musical soundtracks, play video games, watch a film who's genre corresponds with the type of scene I'm writing. Anything with a story. If I do have to get it done right then though, I just keep writing. I write absolute shit that makes no sense and then take it out later. I once wrote a whole page of "blah" over and over again. I free write until I get my mojo back.

5. What/who first encouraged you to begin writing?

According to my earliest childhood babysitter, I've been writing since I learned the alphabet. I remember once when I was six, I wrote a whole six page book with pictures I drew about why I thought birds were pretty and cool (Update: I am now afraid of birds.) It was titled "BIRDS," yes in all caps, and I cried because my name was so long that I couldn't fit the whole thing on the cover. However, I didn't start really writing until about 6th grade. I was reading a book, and the ending was so sad that I got mad and rewrote it, and I realized how much I loved making stories, how much I loved choosing my own ending. In my life as a child, nothing was certain and I never stayed in one place for too long or made any lasting friendships, but writing was always a constant for me. And through writing I made more friends, and they helped me write and it was just incredible. I can't put into words how much writing has done for me.

6. Are you able to write everyday, or need a couple of days intermediate?

For my WIPs, I definitely need a day or two off before I continue the story but I definitely try to write something every day, even if it's just free-writing or ranting about my day or journaling, I write something every day. It isn't progress on my WIPs, but it helps.

7. How long have you been writing for?

In general, since about age 6 or 7. Seriously, about 6th grade, but I didn't like any of my writing until 8th grade, and at times I don't even now. So in general, 12 or 13 years, but seriously only about 7 or 8 years.

8. What inspired your first WIP?

The Percy Jackson series. I was 10 or 11, and I had just finished that series and I was mad there wasn't more, so I wrote myself into the books as like a spin-off type thing with the minor gods (btw in case anyone cares, I'm a Hades kid). Seven chapters in, my OC still hadn't left her house. It was not my finest work haha

9. Who are the authors that you looked up to, to develop your writing?

Lemony Snicket (yes I know that's a pen name, but I mean A Series of Unfortunate Events specifically), Neal Shusterman with his Unwind series, Marie Lu with literally anything she's written, Cassandra Clare with The Infernal Devices and The Mortal Instruments, J.K. Rowling with Harry Potter (I'm a huge Potterhead, Slytherin btw), Rick Riordan with anything he's ever written, Leigh Bardugo with anything she's ever written but mainly Six of Crows, and Oscar Wilde with The Picture of Dorian Gray. Probably many many more, I'll think of them later.

10. Is there a book that inspired you to write your own story?

Remember I mentioned that I didn't like the ending of a book I was reading so I rewrote it? That book was Bridge to Teribethia. If you read it, you know why I changed the ending. But also, I drew inspiration from books that made me feel like I was actually in the story, like I could see it all for myself. The stories felt real, and I wanted to be able to tell stories like that. To travel the world without leaving my room.

11. Do you include moral points in your writing, or prefer just the entertainment?

There is always something to take away from my writing, some lesson to be had, whether it be an emotion, a theme, a vice, or a virtue. I can't promise it's always moral, but it's always there.

My questions:

Which of your OCs fits the quote, "those with no vices have very few virtues"?

If you could meet just one of your favorite authors, dead or alive, who would it be?

What is your number one goal as a writer? (i.e. have your books taught in schools as "classics," write a series that makes people cry, get fanmail, mine personally is to create the perfect villain that no one can hate no matter what they do)

Do you project onto your writing?

Favorite ship you've written? Why?

Do you write LGBTQ+ characters? Why?

Do you write characters with mental illness? Why?

Have you ever tried to get published/actually been published?

What keeps you motivated to write?

What is your writing support system?

Do you write book dedications, and if so, are they always different?

And this concludes our 11/11/11 tag game! If I've tagged you and you have no clue who I am, I'm sorry lol I panicked tagging people but it means that either I follow you or you follow me. Rules are simple: answer my 11 questions, ask your own 11 questions, tag 11 people to answer them! Of course you don't have to play if you don't wanna, don't feel pressured to. If you want to tag me back or have me answer my own questions or just random questions, shoot me an ask. Thanks, and good luck!

@r-avenlee @writingmyselfintoanearlygrave @benvolio-writes @illiteracy-is-for-woozles @ill-write-when-im-dead @mercyandcruelty @crimescenedwrites @fictionalthrills @writerofscribbles @els-writes @gaslightwestern

[dundreary]

Remedial Education, Lesson 1

Edited the original version a bit, but nothing too drastic. Also, a version for tumblr after the cut.

Remedial Education, Lesson 1: Intoxication

Summary: Cielle attempts to use a powerful restoration spell at Ancotar's farewell party to impress Hannibal Traven.

The Arcane University at the Imperial City in Cyrodiil is THE place to be for aspiring mages. After undergoing a series of trials in all major guild halls across the land, auspicious students may have the privilege to hone their craft right here, at the heart of the empire!

Or at least that’s what the Mages Guild tells its new members. In reality, a lot of time is spend wandering around the area, listening to lectures from the more experienced mages and just generally practicing and tediously studying magic.

One of these new apprentice students was J’anji, a Khajiit from Anvil who finally made it to the famed institute. Despite what other apprentices may say, he really enjoyed his peaceful life on campus. Sitting next to the small pond on a cozy and warm summer afternoon, he could see the face of a dark grey, brown, and white calico Khajiit looking back at him from the water surface, happy and content.

“I love my life.”, he muttered, laying down on the lush grass, slowly dozing off in the warm summer breeze.

“Heya, sleepyhead, what are you up to today?”.

A jovial voice woke him from his brief nap. He knew who that voice belonged to: Cielle, a Breton mage who transferred to the university with him, and also his best friend since childhood. As he opened his eyes, he could see her grinning face directly above his as she kneeled beside him, her messy short brown hair obscuring the sky.

“Get up already, I heard Arch-Mage Traven is coming out soon for a special announcement, we don’t want to miss it!”, she exclaimed and eagerly sprung to her feet.

J’anji was grateful for their friendship and generally enjoyed spending time with her, but sometimes she was way too energetic and reckless. Despite her name, she had little heavenly qualities and acted more like a demon oftentimes. But nonetheless, he decided to follow her example and got up in anticipation of the Arch-Mages announcement.

After a short walk through the summerly university gardens, they arrived at the open-air lecture area, now in the shadow of the tall tower in the center of the circular walled campus. As they were sitting down, Hannibal Traven, the current Arch-Mage and leader of the Mages Guild, was already starting to speak.

“My fellow colleagues and students, welcome!”, Traven opened with a solemn voice.

“Wow, look at him, he radiates such a strong and commanding aura, isn’t that amazing?”, Cielle exclaimed, grabbing and shaking J’anji’s shoulders.

“He literally only said a few words, calm down already and listen.”, J’anji whispered back.

That was one of her quirks: her unwavering admiration for Hannibal Traven was a bit concerning at times. She tended to get captured in the Arch-Mages presence all to easily, and it was hard to get her out of this state of unconditional reverence.

“As we all know, our dear colleague -and friend- Ancotar is leaving us soon, to go out into the vast world in his endeavor to foster his magic abilities. This is why…“, Traven continued, but J’anji couldn’t focus on what he was saying over one of Cielle’s everlasting monologues about how great the Arch-Mage was.

On the other hand, in Cielle’s eyes, J’anji didn’t appreciate Arch-Mage Traven enough. Didn’t he recognize his commanding presence, offset by his kind and gentle disposition? His unwavering faith in his craft and desire to see young talents prosper? How could anyone not aspire to be like him?

“Could you just stop gushing over him for a second and just listen what he has to say? Stop being so inconsiderate!”, J’anji hissed.

Cielle abruptly stopped, realizing that she missed out on actually seeing and hearing the object of her idolization speak. In an attempt to remedy that, she quickly turned and stared directly at him, drawing the attention of the other mages in the audience towards them.

“Just act like a regular person for once, please, everyone’s looking!”, J’anji whispered as he tried to get her attention, but to no avail.

This was the usual outcome: somehow, he always got dragged into uncomfortable situations whenever Cielle was around.

“So, Ancotar is finally leaving, eh? Figures, he always wanted to study unrestrained, away from people and without being under direct control of the guild. I wonder where he will end up.”, J’anji pondered after the announcement as they were walking back to the mage quarters.

“Yeah, I saw it coming too. He’s almost as amazing as Arch-Mage Traven in that regard, his will to bend the rules and create experimental magic spells is admirable.”, Cielle answered, still in her adoration phase.

“I don’t know if I would agree to that, Ancotar caused a lot of trouble with his experiments on campus.”.

Sudden memories of all the weird things that had been going on went through his mind, especially regarding to Ancotar’s infamous invisibility research. He doubted that a lot of the other guild members would be particularly sad about him leaving.

“Hm, yeah… I really think I should do something to impress the Arch-Mage, too.”, Cielle exclaimed with sudden determination.

How did she make that connection? Sometimes, Cielle’s mind made jumps in logic that J’anji couldn’t follow.

“Oh no, not again. Please, remember the last time when you…”, J’anji started, but he already knew that he wasn’t going to get through to her.

He knew her long and well enough for that, and it’s not the first time that she came up with a ridiculous scheme to garner the Arch-Mage’s attention. For her, it was of utmost importance to prove herself to him, even if there wasn’t really any merit in doing so.

“What about… a spell that liquifies an enemy’s organs? That might work!”, Cielle suggested.

“How do you always come up with these horrible ideas? Just… stop.”, J’anji responded wearily.

It was not the first time Cielle jumped immediately to unorthodox and extreme measures like this. If it hadn’t been for J’anji talking her out of it, she probably would have obliterated the entire campus at least three times in the past few months.

“You just think that because you are too narrow-minded! It’s great, we just need to…”, Cielle explained, but J’anji interrupted her:

“Listen, what if we don’t do that. After all, Arch-Mage Traven was the head of the Anvil mages guild, right? They specialize on restoration there, I doubt he would be too fond of such… drastic and destructive spells.”.

All he could do was to steer her away from those ideas that were too dangerous and unhinged. There was no way of coercing her otherwise, he knew that all too well.

“If you are that taken in by Traven’s intoxicating presence, then maybe try to show him something he might actually appreciate, like nice and safe restoration spells.”, he continued.

That was a good diversion, J’anji thought. There were no imminent dangers surrounding restoration magic; after all, it was used to heal people and make them feel better. Unfortunately for him, Cielle had a sudden brilliant idea. She was almost in awe of her own creativity.

“That’s it! Intoxicating! I’ll show off a masterful spell to cure poison!”, she triumphantly proclaimed, making J’anji stop dead in his tracks.

“That’s a cute idea and all, but doesn’t that require someone to be… well, poisoned?”, J’anji interjected, not realizing his grave mistake.

Cielle just slowly turned to him, a large grin forming on her face. It swiftly dawned upon him.

“What? Are you insane? There is no way I’ll let myself get poisoned just so you can show off to Traven!”, J’anji yelled.

“Oh come on, don’t turn your ears backwards at me! I can already picture it: Arch-Mage Traven will be present at Ancotar’s farewell party next week. And while everyone is gathered there, you will suddenly fall ill! But I’m there, just in time, to heroically resuscitate you with my amazing poison curing skills! That’s got to impress the Arch-Mage!”, Cielle explained with great vigor.

She could have been a great actor in theatric plays with that attitude, but that wouldn’t persuade him so easily.

“Forget it, I distinctly remember the last time when you tried to show off and turned my fur bright blue for a week, it was awful. But even that was nothing compared to this!”, J’anji insisted.

“Don’t you trust me? We’re best friends after all, there is no way I would get you seriously hurt or anything, come on. It’s just a harmless… prank, or something.”, Cielle retorted.

“I… Listen, I just…”, J’anji started, but he knew he already lost the battle a long time ago.

“Pretty please? There is no one else I can ask. You know as well as me that we are like outcasts here, we only have each other! You and me against the world, just like in old times!”.

J’anji wasn’t sure if she was so devious as to deliberately put up that act, but there was no way J’anji could have said no to that disarming adorable side of her. At least he tried.

“I… Alright, fine. But only if you promise that it’s not exceedingly dangerous, ok?”, J’anji surrendered.

The only thing to do now was damage control.

“Yaay! I knew I could count on you! That’s why we are friends after all!”, Cielle proclaimed happily, hugging him.

J’anji never imagined that a hug could feel so cold and humiliating.

“Alright, it’s settled then! I will make the preparations, let’s meet up on Middas at the Lustratorium.”, Cielle continued with a smirk.

“What? Why do we need to do that?”.

“To rehearse, obviously! I don’t want to fail in front of everyone, and I’m pretty sure you don’t want me to fail, either! I’ll have the poison ready by then, see you!”.

And with wink, she ran off, leaving J’anji standing in front of the entrance to the mage quarters. What was she planning? Where was she going? Even after all those years he knew her, she still was full of mysteries.

Before he knew, the dreaded day arrived. As J’anji entered the Lustratorium at the west side of the compound, he took one last look at the campus and the little garden area, which was full of large red flowers in bloom. Just in case things wouldn’t work out, he wanted to have nice memories.

As usual, the Lustratorium was dim and cramped, full of tables with alchemic tools and planters with various mushrooms and other flora. The air was humid and filled with peculiar smells.

“There it is, the most toxic, vile and abhorrent poison ever created!”, Cielle declared jubilantly immediately after he entered.

She was bending over multiple alchemic apparatuses which she apparently used to craft the poison herself. Standing there amongst the fumes with her rumpled hair and crudely braided side bun, she gave off the impression of a crazed alchemist, which probably wasn’t too far off the mark.

“How did you even create that? As far as I know, there are almost no recipes for strong poisons in the library.”, J’anji wondered, walking around the cluttered table into the room.

“I’m glad you asked! I met a guy recently near the city gates, I think he called himself… Dark Samuel or something ridiculous like that. Anyways, he had a recipe for an ultra-potent poison on sale for the low price of 500 Septims, it’s apparently used by assassins and such!”, Cielle explained, transferring a viscous liquid from the distillation apparatus to a flask.

“Didn’t we agree to make it as low-risk as possible?”.

“You know merchants, they always embellish their goods, I’m sure it’s the same here.”, Cielle concluded while inspecting the now full vial.

J’anji whished he had just a fraction of Cielle’s confidence, but instead he grew more anxious by the second. Why did he ever agree to this?

“Go on, try it, I can’t wait! I studied really hard to master the cure spell, too, so there’s no need to be afraid, I’m here with you!”, Cielle remarked and handed him the small bottle.

A warm and welcoming expression adorned her face, which was not the face someone would usually make when handing someone a deadly poison.

J’anji took a small whiff on the still fuming bottle and recoiled. The stench that assaulted his sensitive nostrils was indescribable; he could feel his mane bristling. He could not believe that he was about to poison himself willingly and voluntarily with this concoction Cielle fabricated. Every fiber of his being wanted him to leave the damp laboratory and never come back, his survival instincts kicking in. He could feel his grip around the bottle tightening but mustered up all his courage.

“Well, here goes nothing.”, he muttered and, with a last look on Cielle’s overjoyed expression, he downed the bottle.

It tasted absolutely disgustingly bitter, but at first, nothing happened. J’anji was almost relieved, maybe she messed up mixing the poison? But then, after a few brief and peaceful moments, it started.

In an instant, it felt like all his organs were turned inside out. An unbearable pain spread from his stomach to every last inch of his body including the tip of his tail. J’anji collapsed on the tile floor, his muscles tensing and cramping, clenching his teeth in pain. A searing hot sensation burned through his entire body, while at the same time a freezing cold washed over him. Black circles started swirling before his eyes, he would lose consciousness every second now.

“Aaaarrghh! Help! My insides are being liquified, what are you waiting for!”, he managed to yell out between his growls and whimpering.

But Cielle had other concerns. While J’anji was rolling around on the floor, Julienne Fanis, the overseer of the Lustratorium, had walked in. There was no way she would approve what was going on here, Cielle had to keep everything under wraps!

“Aahh, a nice day we’re having, right?”, Cielle asked, as innocently as possible while positioning herself in a way that Julienne couldn’t see into the room, “perfect for a walk outside maybe?”.

“What are you doing here? Maybe actually studying for once? I’m almost proud.”, Julienne replied brusquely.

Cielle was not known for her diligence.

“But you know what? You’re right. I’m actually just here for a basket. I’m picking flowers for the party decorations next week.”, Julienne continued.

“Oh, that’s wonderful! I’m sure Ancotar will greatly appreciate it! Here, take this one then!”, Cielle answered, grabbing a flower basket from a nearby shelf and handing it to her with shaking hands.

“Well, thank you, how… unexpectedly considerate of you. See you at the party then, I guess.”, Julienne said, visibly surprised, before leaving the building.

Cielle was not known for her courtesy.

Meanwhile, J’anji winced on the floor, wishing for the sweet embrace of death.

“Oh, by the Nine, finally! I’m so sorry, J’anji! How are you feeling?”, Cielle inquired frantically.

She kneeled down next to J’anji, who was still writhing in agony, readying the cure spell she practiced over the last few days.

“What does it look like I feel!”, he cried out.

“Alright, just hold still a moment, it will be over soon!”.

With that, she pressed her hand on J’anji’s chest and let the powerful restorative energy flow. His whole body seemed to glow for a moment, and then it stopped.

J’anji could feel the poison leaving his system. In an instant, the searing pain ceased, and it felt like all exhaustion left his body. He felt almost rejuvenated, even, and his body went limp as he sprawled on the laboratory floor.

“Did it work? Are you feeling better?”, Cielle asked, her worried face appearing into his field of vision above him.

It was nice to see her actually care for his wellbeing, after all. At least that’s what J’anji wanted to think. Still panting, he slowly sat up.

“Yeah, I think... I think I’m okay. But it was not a great experience, trust me. I never want to go through this again.”, J’anji wheezed.

“Great! Now we just need to repeat it on Ancotar’s party, and we’re done!”, Cielle answered, now with her usual cheery demeanor again.

At this moment, the whole world around J’anji died. He just came back from the brink of death, and he would wander straight back in a few days. Why was this even happening?

Just like before, the day of Ancotar’s farewell party arrived faster than he had hoped.

Cielle had observed him for the past few days, and there were no signs of aftereffects of the poison, which was a big plus. But the memory of the feeling was still fresh in J’anji’s mind, even on the fateful evening.

Usually, the festivities held by the Council, rare as they were, were a sight to behold. Everyone wore their fanciest robes; a variety of fine drinks and food was served, and a generally relaxed atmosphere filled the council chambers. But J’anji did not look forward to this specific social gathering.

As he arrived at the entrance to the central tower next to the huge orrery that evening, Cielle was already waiting for him. He noticed that she tried to straighten her hair and picked a particularly noble-looking ornamented purple robe that accentuated her feminine figure. What a show-off. He just picked one of his marginally better-looking outfits at random.

“Ooohh, looking sharp there! Ready to mingle?”, she greeted him.

This compliment meant nothing to him, not in his last painless moments of the day.

“Please, spare me. What’s the plan?”, he asked.

“Straight to business? Fine by me.”, Cielle responded, looking especially mischievous.

J’anji just wanted to get it over with. The faster they got through this, the faster he could experience a life without worries again.

“So, I prepared beforehand. This morning, I sneaked into the storage room and traced a single goblet with a thin layer of my poison. The effects should not be as severe as last time, I can’t have you look that pathetic on a formal gathering, that would be most unsightly!”, Cielle explained.

“How considerate, thanks… I guess. How do you know which goblet it is, though?”.

To him, this seemed to be a pretty crucial detail.

“I marked it with a tiny colored symbol, only I know where to look for it, so I’m sure nobody else will notice.”, Cielle revealed proudly.

“You surely plan things thoroughly. I would be impressed if I didn’t know it was all just to look good in front of Traven.”, J’anji replied dryly.

Cielle seemed to be offended because she sprang right into a pro-Traven rant again:

“There is no better goal to strive for! After all, I would die if he would look down on me or even hate me… I have to do everything to make a good impression on him!”.

“I still think you’re putting the cart before the horse here.”, J’anji muttered in response.

J’anji tried to explain that to her multiple times already, but it never got through to her.

Around them, other attendees were giving them curious looks as they walked past.

“Whatever. Come on now, it starts soon, we don’t want to look suspicious!”, Cielle exclaimed and waltzed onward through the large oaken doors.

J’anji took a deep breath of the still warm evening air before entering the tower himself.

The party took place in the council chambers on the first floor, an area that apprentices rarely got to see. After arriving at the venue through the teleportation system from the foyer on the lower floor, J’anji took a moment to examine the room.

All the goblets that Cielle mentioned were already filled with wine and prepared on a tray, next to a buffet of regional delicacies. At the far end of the circular hall, a small stage with a lectern was erected, where the Arch-Mage was in the process of giving a formal greeting to everyone. The room was filled with dozens of guests, each one in a relaxed mood. It was easy to pick out Cielle given her garish outfit.

After the Arch-Mage finished his introduction, Ancotar himself took the stage and spent a few minutes reminiscing about his time at the university. J’anji couldn’t care less, he steeled himself for what would happen soon.

A sudden applause signaled the end of Ancotar’s speech. Every second now, J’anji would experience death, again.

“And for my last gathering here… let me show you all a little surprise!”, Ancotar concluded and made a grand sweeping gesture.

In an instant, something about the room changed. A murmur went through the crowd, as everyone slowly realized that Ancotar turned random things invisible. It was actually a pretty amusing sight to behold, tablecloths seemed to float in the air, lamps were hovering below the ceiling, and pastries were placed on invisible plates. Everyone was having a chuckle and a great time with this silly display of his prowess. What a great send-off that would have been, if it wasn’t for one little thing.

“The goblets! He turned the goblets invisible, noooooooo!”, Cielle whispered hysterically.

All the goblets that were on the table just a minute ago were gone, and all that remained were dozens of tiny portions of wine seemingly floating over the tray, one by one picked up by delighted guests.

“How could he do that, now I don’t know which goblet is the poisoned one! What a show-off, using such a dumb spectacle to make himself look better!”, Cielle muttered furiously, glancing daggers at Ancotar.

She had no self-awareness.

J’anji on the other hand was relieved, this could have been a blessing in disguise. Maybe she would abort her scheme and he could avoid dying?

“So, what are your plans now? Just leave?”, he asked her nonchalantly.

“I can’t just leave, silly. Maybe I should just ask Ancotar to reverse his spell?”, Cielle pondered.

“Good luck with that, if he’s just half as eager as you, then…”.

The crowd around them seemed to really enjoy the spectacle, so it seemed extremely unlikely that Ancotar would just call it off, on his last evening at that.

J’anji felt more and more like he could get out of his predicament after all. To not alert bystanders of their scheme, he inconspicuously walked through the room to the tray and took two of the floating wine orbs over to Cielle. How likely would it be that they got the right one, he wondered?

“Then what? Just act like nothing happened and let someone get poisoned?”, Cielle asked.

She grabbed one of the goblets with a trembling hand, it seemed as she was growing more frantic by the second.

“Actually… yeah, why not? Does it really matter who gets poisoned for your scheme?”, J’anji suggested.

“What are you saying? I don’t want anyone of them seriously get hurt… it may cause a panic.”, Cielle stated, before sipping on her wine.

J’anji asked himself why she excluded him from people she didn’t want to hurt.

Meanwhile, Cielle felt like she was going to unravel. How could J’anji be so calm about this?

“Oh no, what if Arch-Mage Traven grabs the poison cup? I will be expelled, or worse!”, Cielle shrieked.

What was she supposed to do? Her eyes darted over the whole room, looking for signs of someone getting poisoned. She needed to stay vigilant and leap into action if it was necessary, even if it didn’t go down exactly as planned!

And then, it happened.

Cielle knew immediately that something was off. Her vision got blurry, she felt dizzy and hot. The realization hit her like brick: in a sheer stroke of luck, she must have received the poisoned goblet herself. At first, she was relieved, but then she started to panic again.

J’anji realized as well, the sweat forming on Cielle’s face and her grimace were a dead giveaway.

“Congratulations, you found the goblet.”.

He couldn’t help but tease her a little as some sort of payback.

Cielle on the other hand clenched her teeth and fists in an effort to remain calm. The pain that started to emanate from somewhere in her stomach was intense, but seemingly less unbearable than it had been for J’anji. At least for now. She needed to come up with a solution, fast.

“Stop being a smartass! What am I supposed to do now? I can’t topple over dramatically like you did, how would that make me look? I don’t want anyone pitying me!”, Cielle managed to get out through her clenched jaw.

In her mind, that would severely hurt her warped pride and harm her social standing.

“Relax, just cure yourself, no one will notice, and we can just go on with the party.”, J’anji suggested in a hushed voice.

In response, Cielle quietly whimpered in pain and collapsed onto his shoulder, grabbing his arm with an unexpected strong grip.

“I can’t. I only mastered a spell to cure others. I don’t know why but it is fundamentally different from the one you use on yourself! Damn you, magic! Damn you, Ancotar!”, Cielle whispered and weakly shook a fist towards the sky

“What?! I don’t know any of those spells, either! We have to get you out of here, find Julienne or someone to mix an antidote!”, J’anji whispered back.

As overbearing she might be, he knew exactly how she felt, and he didn’t want to see her suffering like this. Especially if it was for absolutely no reason.

“I can’t! If I left already, it would seem like an affront to Ancotar!”, Cielle groaned.

“You think of the most useless things sometimes, you know that? You don’t know how the reduced dose even works, what if it still kills you?”.

“This is where we differ, J’anji. I realize that there are a lot of things worse than death, and one of them is losing face in front of the person you look up to! I just… have… to endure it!”, Cielle declared and let go of J’anji’s arm.

Slowly, she staggered towards the buffet, leaving behind a baffled J’anji. Maybe something to eat would help? Not that she had much of an appetite, she had to muster every last bit of her concentration to not succumb to the overwhelming pain.

“I can do it! I’m strong, stronger than everyone here! I’ll show you, all of you!”, she muttered under her breath, sweating profusely, keeping her gaze set on the plate of sweet rolls in front of her.

She kept going forward, but her legs wouldn’t stop shaking and just standing up straight was an arduous task, let alone walking. Why was the table so far away, damnit!

“Ah, Miss Cielle, correct?”, a calm voice suddenly addressed her from somewhere behind her.

She turned around and, to her shock, stared in the kind and loving face of Hannibal Traven.

“Ah, yes, that’s me, haha!”, she answered weakly.

Why? Why did he have to talk to her now of all times, when she was slowly dying of poison? How could he have such bad timing?

“I see you made it to Ancotar’s farewell. I hope you settled in nicely here at the university. It is one of my priorities that everyone feels right at home.”, Traven inquired.

Cielle could do nothing but nod in silence while doing her best not to faint.

“For a while, I heard you were having trouble integrating with the other students… I would hate it for some one of your talents to have a hard time.”, the Arch-Mage continued.

“I… yes, thank you.”.

Cielle couldn’t say more than that. She couldn’t even think straight anymore. How could he be so nice, at the most inappropriate of times? Sooner or later, he would realize what was happening, and then it would be all over for her!

From the other side of the room, J’anji observed what was happening. The old fool started to talk to her, she probably wouldn’t be able to handle that even she wasn’t visibly experiencing every stage of grief at the same time. There was no way she would get out of this unscathed; he realized he had to do something. Immediately.

He desperately looked around the room for something, anything to help, when he noticed them. The decorative flower bouquets! The red flowers that were in bloom in front of the Lustratorium, the ones Julienne collected that awful day, he recognized them as Domica Redwort.

If he remembered correctly from his alchemy lessons, Redwort petals could be used to create antidotes! Even in its unprocessed state, it should have some alleviating properties, right? He knew what he had to do now. Grabbing a nearby napkin, he hastily scribbled a note for Cielle to read, tucked it into the bouquet and quickly rushed over to Cielle, the invisible flowerpot in hand.

“Hey, Cielle, have you seen this already? The flowerpots over there, they’re invisible, hahaha! Look, the flowers are floating, uuuuhhhhh!”, he yelled in his best impression of a drunken man, circling the flowers over her head.

“Here, take them, beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady, weeee!”.

With that, he handed her the flowers, being sure to point at the note and pretended to stagger away. Hannibal Traven was perplexed at the sudden interruption, as was Cielle. What was going on with him? She had enough trouble acting normally as it was, even without additional things to deal with! And what was that napkin doing there?

Wait for distraction, discretely eat flower petals, cure poison. Was it a note for her to read?

“Now, if I may have your attention, please!”, J’anji proclaimed loudly from the lectern, clinging an invisible fork on a regular cup.

He could not believe he was doing this. Hopefully, Cielle was getting the picture.

“We all know it’s Ancotar’s last day here, and we all know how much he contributed to magic research. But I want to take a moment to talk about other, lesser-known things about him. For example, did you know he is extremely insecure about his body hair? I realized multiple times in the community bath!”, J’anji started.

The crowd immediately turned its attention to him, just as he hoped. That would give Cielle time to cure herself.

Most of what he said were blatant lies, he just kept making up embarrassing facts about Ancotar to keep the crowd engaged. Some laughed, some booed him, even the Arch-Mage was looking at him in utter disbelief, but it didn’t matter to him.

“What an absolute imbecile, why is he doing that!”, Cielle groaned in pain.

But she understood, he gave her an opening. Time that she used to wolf down the entire flower bouquet like a goat. It was humiliating, even if no one saw her. But as she was already drifting in and out consciousness, she endured the embarrassment as she chewed on the though leaves.

Naturally, it didn’t take long until J’anji got taken off the stage by an enraged Ancotar and a few other higher ranking guild members, but at that point, Cielle’s symptoms had already subsided, and no one seemed to notice the missing flowers.

“I can’t believe you could do something so reckless! What were you thinking!”, Cielle yelled.

“Not the way I expected you to greet me when I visit you on your sickbed, you know!”, J’anji yelled right back.

It was two days later, and Cielle was still recovering. Apparently, lower doses of her poison had less severe, but prolonged effects. Julienne had to mix multiple antidotes and administer it to her three times a day for her to get better.

“Thank you, though.”, Cielle said quietly after a moment of silence, while staring in a random direction.

“Don’t mention it. I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to help you. Besides, I only got chewed out by Raminus for an hour and had to write a ten-page apology letter to Ancotar, so it’s no big deal.”, J’anji lied.

It was a big deal, but he didn’t want to bring that up right now.

“No seriously, I would have died or, even worse: I could have embarrassed myself in front of the Arch-Mage if you hadn’t stepped in! I owe you big time!”, Cielle insisted, propping herself up on a pillow.

“I’m glad you have your priorities straight, warped as they may be. Just… treat me to a meal later.”, J’anji conceded.

There was no arguing with this girl.

“You can count on me!”, Cielle exclaimed and showed him a big smile, before continuing:

“But anyways, crazy how the poison works, huh? At least we learned something new, and that’s all that matters, right?”.

“Yeah, right.”.

J’anji couldn’t disagree more.

“I wonder… could I use this new knowledge to impress Arch-Mage Traven somehow? Maybe I should write a thesis on it.”, Cielle pondered.

Apparently, she hadn’t learned anything, after all.

End Notes:

"Is my chest hair really that unappealing?".

Ancotar gained a new insecurity that day.

[pluckyredhead]

Daredevil 101: Foggy Finds Out, Part 2 (Ghost Stick Boogaloo)

[Content Warning: Severe mental health issues portrayed rather sloppily, suicide attempt, discussion of violence against sex workers.]

Last time on Daredevil 101, Matt was found in basically a catatonic state by Karen and Foggy - both of whom thought he was dead, and only one of whom knew he was Daredevil. By the next issue, Matt’s still out of it, and Foggy’s not particularly happy with anyone:

IDK why Foggy’s a redhead here but WAY TO GO, KAREN. Yes, she kept Matt’s secret from Foggy - but it was Matt’s secret to tell. Just because Matt’s not in a position to be yelled at right now doesn’t mean Foggy gets to take it out on Karen.

And Matt’s really, really not in a position to be yelled at:

Hooboy. I don’t believe anyone in Matt’s entire 53-year history has ever suggested therapy but, like...he should probably go? Right away? Honey.

Eventually, as he is wont to do, Matt decides to escape from the expectations of his two favorite people by climbing out the window and running away. It’s fairly distressing to his loved ones:

THESE TWO. HOW I LOVE THEM.

So where is Matt? Well - possibly predicting DD Season 3 - he’s gone to see his mommy:

Maggie tries to comfort him, but if confession could make Matt feel absolved of this he’d probably have gotten it over with a long time ago, repressed memory or no. (Though to be fair, I can only think of one example of 616!Matt taking confession, and that was this year.)

Leaving Maggie, Matt briefly flirts with the idea of just ending it all:

Having decided not to kill himself, Matt returns to Jack Batlin’s hovel, only to be confronted by a surprising figure from his past:

I mean, technically neither of you saw anything, and also shut up, Stick.

I’m not really sure how to take his presence here, because on the one hand, if it’s all in Matt’s head, that means that Matt’s way of coping with his mental health issues is to imagine his former mentor hitting him in the face with a cane until he feels better, which is appalling.

But if Stick’s really there, it means there’s a possibility for him to come back in DD Season 3, which is also appalling.

Anyway, Stick or Matt’s hallucination thereof goes away long enough for Matt to greet Karen. He attempts to do so with a kiss, because he is a moron:

Matt takes a beat and apologizes - for yelling at Karen just now, and for, um, faking his death at her. I like this moment because it acknowledges simultaneously that Matt is having - and has been having - a really hard time, and yet he also treated his loved ones in an unacceptably cruel way, and though his illness is a reason, it’s not an excuse.

Meanwhile, there’s one person who never really gets an apology:

Foggy looks so young and sweet in that first panel, MY HEART.

Anyway, I’ll come back to this later, but please note that Foggy’s betrayal here centers entirely on being lied to and he has no problems with the basic existence of Daredevil.

He’ll have to wait to get proper closure on this, but meanwhile Stick is still beating Matt up, this time almost definitely inside Matt’s head - and he’s brought help:

Is this the first time Matt’s been beaten up by hallucinations of his various selves? It’s definitely not the last. Oh, Matt.

Seeking some kind of closure, he goes to the brothel where he accidentally knocked the prostitute out the window, all those years ago:

Matt sort of vaguely explains his purpose, and the last woman explains that the girl in question, Lyla, was a runaway fleeing an unhappy home, and in a way maybe it’s better that she died and got out of this life young. I realize we have a little bit of an unreliable narrator situation here but I’d be okay with 100% fewer “better dead than a sex worker” opinions out there, fictional or not!

(This won’t be revealed for a couple more years, but "Lyla” turns out to not be dead, in a particularly dumb retcon. Not that her not dying is dumb, but the reveal is...well, you’ll see.)

Anyway, I guess putting a name to the accident makes Matt feel better, because he declares himself ready to put it behind him. At which point Stick drops a fairly hilarious bombshell:

Yeah, Matt’s just been killing people pretty much his whole career, it turns out. Here are the most damning phrases to me: “some beaten an inch past their lives,” “you saw them as worthless maggots who deserved what they got,” and “faceless thug.” Matt habitually beats people to death, apparently, and then forgets about it because they deserve it???

(Stick telling him that taking even one life is too many is an interesting contrast to MCU Stick, who is constantly urging Matt to kill. But 616!Stick only kills Hand ninjas, who aren’t really alive to begin with.)

Anyway I think this is a real YMMV piece of canon. Personally I feel like it’s a pretty lukewarm approach to the ethics of killing, especially since DeMatteis would leave right after this arc. It just sort of throws down the idea that Matt kills people all the time, wags a finger at him, and leaves. Either dig into what this means, for Matt and for superheroes as a whole, or leave us with the polite fiction that superheroes (and head trauma) never ever kill. Don’t half-ass it like this.

And speaking of half-assing it:

Matt just needs to accept all the parts of himself! That makes it okay to commit habitual manslaughter! Phew, what a relief. Time to eat a Pop-Tart and dance around Karen’s kitchen!

HOORAY!

(No, seriously, I’m glad Matt’s feeling better and that he and Karen are okay, but see what I mean about half-assing it? You can’t be like “Matt, you kill people all the time” and then have him immediately get over it, especially in a story about how he developed a split personality disorder due to repressed guilt over accidentally killing someone ten years ago.)

With that, DeMatteis is off the book. Our next long-running writer will be Karl Kesel, but before he takes over there’s a brief fill-in by Ben Raab and Shawn McManus, which touches on the state of Matt and Foggy’s relationship. It’s...not good, and Matt doesn’t make it better by snooping - specifically, on Foggy at work with a client named Martinique:

"Something’s not kosher here...” Please note that Matt, as always, is very upset by Foggy being attracted to someone else. Please also note Matt creeping on Foggy’s “pleasure centers.”

Matt announces his presence. Foggy’s not happy to see him:

“Things may never be as good as they once were, but they can at least be good...” That’s practically up there with “Was anything ever real with us,” my goodness.

Please note that nowhere on this page does Matt use the word “sorry.” And yes, this is the first time he’s spoken to Foggy since before his “death.” Wow, Murdock. (Also, get a haircut.)

Matt does not trust any woman who flirts with his Foggy, so he tails Foggy to his meeting place with Martinique and finds a horrifyingly trippy carnival full of monstrous puppet versions of his enemies. And at the very center:

It’s the classic superhero dilemma: Matt can only save one of his loved ones! And this time, he chooses Foggy.

All the trappings of the carnival fade away to reveal...Martinique, of course, a.k.a. Lady Mastermind:

Right, so this makes no actual sense, because it’s not public knowledge that the “old” Daredevil is back. Martinique should be operating under the impression that the “current” Daredevil would show up in a black costume and not give two shits about either Foggy or Elektra. Also how would she know how Bullseye killed Elektra, anyway?

She takes off, and Matt and Foggy are left together:

Again, this doesn’t make a lot of sense, given that Elektra’s not dead anymore, and Matt knows it. He doesn’t say that he knows Elektra wasn’t really there (in which case his choosing Foggy over her would mean very little), so is the implication supposed to be that once you die once Matt doesn’t care if you die again? This is all very silly.

Anyway, that’s...kind of it? No “Nelson v. Murdock”-style fight here, just Matt saying that he wants to be friends again with no actual apology at any point, and Foggy very slowly thawing over the next few issues. There’s no yelling, no catharsis, nothing. Feh, I say!

(I will reiterate what I noted above - Foggy’s only upset about being lied to. He has no ethical problems with Daredevil’s existence or vigilantism in general, and isn’t particularly troubled by Matt’s propensities towards lawbreaking, violence, or nearly getting himself killed. Because, of course, in the comics Matt is just one of many superheroes and is practically legally sanctioned, or at least not an outlaw - and Foggy has been friends with Daredevil for many years. Whereas in the MCU, Matt’s the first real vigilante and the first with a secret identity - the Avengers are (or have been) all government sanctioned and public, and Matt predates Spider-Man and the other Defenders. MCU Foggy doesn’t really have a framework to accept Matt’s extracurricular activities in the way 616 Foggy does.)

Next up: Brighter days for Daredevil and company as we head into the Kesel run...and finally meet Rosalind Sharpe!

[deadly-kitten-kay]

okay, let's try this again! also, i almost didn't find your ask box. the top of your page is asterix??? but if hovered i could see where your ask box is. okay, so #3 and/or #4 (i could see them easily together) but I couldn't pick a ship last time. I was gonna let you pick. Destiel or DCJ (or, if you ship them, because i can't remember if you do, a third choice could be Denny)

3. Drunk/sloppy kiss & 4. Awkward kiss

1,612 word Featuring DJC (Also on Ao3 for those that prefer to read there) 

feel free to leave me a kiss prompt and pair

It had been years since Dean was able to spend time with his two best friends from high school. Castiel and Jimmy Novak moved on to bigger and better things after high school. Jimmy and Castiel both went to medical school. Both studied to be surgeons, one cardiology the other pediatrics. Dean was proud of both of them and never let it know how much it had hurt him to be away from the twins. He knew they would accomplish great things. That's why when Dean had gotten the call from Jimmy boasting the good news about himself and Castiel, he wasn't surprised. Both men had made it through undergrad and graduate school, about to embark into their residency. While it had been over eight years since he had seen either of the brothers, Dean was bound and determined to see them now.It was also a good way to see if he still felt the way he had in high school. Dean sighed at his own thoughts. He was such a moron in high school. He was so far in the closet about his bisexuality that he surpassed Narnia. In fact, he's pretty sure the closet was really the Tardis because of how big and well hidden he was.Jimmy outed Dean first. True, it was only to Castiel, but it was enough. But with that outing, Dean was able to breathe and be himself around the brothers. At least, until he fell in love. But that wasn't the biggest problem. The biggest problem was that he had fallen in love with both of the Novak boys. And it was hard not too. The two of them were like yin and yang. They balanced each other perfectly. Jimmy being more carefree and reminding both Dean and Castiel to let loose and live free, while Castiel was more reserved, a good head on his shoulders. It was a long running joke between the three that twins were the devil and angel that would help Dean decide. Castiel being the angel and Jimmy the devil.But regardless of how well the three of them got along, it was absurd of Dean to even fathom having both of them. Even at his young age, he had known it was wrong to date them both, essentially cheating on one with the other. Of course, no matter what his rational mind tried to think, his irrational heart would often lead him into fantasies with the twins. Downright pornographic fantasies that would leave him hard and achy and needing to run to the shower, before either one woke up when staying over on the weekends.Then after the boys left to study medicine on the East coast, the rumors started. Everyone in their godforsaken town would tell anyone who was listing about those “incestuous Novak kids” and how Dean's parents should be thanking God that their sinful ways didn't rub off on him. Once he hit twenty-one and some asshole started blabbing at the mouth, speaking ill of his best friends, Dean suddenly had himself a bed in the county lockup.No matter what, he had refused to let his desires believe the talk. He never pushed the twins when they talked to each other or face timed. He wouldn't even tell him what he had heard. Dean had felt it better than if they were involved with each other, that maybe they would trust him enough to tell him.This line of thinking wasn't currently helping him at this moment in time as his train from Kansas pulled into the Baltimore station. He felt like he was going to be sick from the combination of anxious and excited nerves.

Jimmy laughed as his brother bounced on the balls of his feet, desperate to see over the heads around him. They had both heard the announcement that Dean's train had pulled into the station. Jimmy thought it was silly that Dean was still adamant in his refusal to get on a plane. Thank God, Castiel had a strange fascination with modern ways of transportation and was able to convince Dean that take the train was far more economical than driving himself. Truth be told, Jimmy was ninety-nine-point-nine percent sure the only reason Dean relented was that Castiel laid a mother of a guilt trip on the poor guy. Regardless how it came to pass, the day that both he and his brother had longed for was here. And for the first time in who knows how long, Jimmy was witnessing a side of his brother he doesn't see very often.“Cas, seriously...” he pulled his brother's wrist, the only acceptable way to hold him in public. “Stop bouncing, you're going to pull something.” he teased.Castiel looked back at his with a wide smile and crinkly blue eyes. “I can't help it! I've missed him. And he's going to be here for a whole month. That's thirty-one days, Jimmy!”“Yeah and I'm excited too, Cas. But what if he isn't okay with things?”That made Castiel stop his movements as he turned to look at his brother. Even now, while Jimmy had filled out more in the shoulders, he was Castiel's mirror. And in that mirror, Jimmy had voiced the one thing Castiel had tried his hardest to keep from coming to light. Knowing that it would affect Jimmy just as much as it did him.Castiel stepped closer, hooking his pinky under Jimmy's watch band. “You need to have faith in Dean.”Jimmy smiled at that. Of course, Castiel would say that. “You still okay being the DD tonight?” Jimmy asked, a signal that he was okay. Castiel flashed him another brilliant smile before looking for Dean again.“Of course. I still say we should drink that the apartment. That way I can do it too.”Jimmy snorted. “No way, dude. We would need to buy out two BevMo's just to make you have a buzz.”.Castiel was poised to say something in response but a familiar baritone calling their names snapped both of their attention to the right. They had barely made visual confirmation before both brothers were wrapped into the stronghold of Dean. Jimmy tried to ignore how right it felt.

Castiel had gotten his way. Once Dean had heard wind of how he wanted to stay home and drink rather than a bar crawl, Dean sided with him. Dean had a point when he mentioned to Jimmy that they missed their chance to celebrate their twenty-first together and tonight would be their do-over.“But what if we lost our virginity that night?” Jimmy challenge, already feeling a buzz from the locally brewed stuff Cas preferred.Dean scoffed and shook his head. “Are you kidding? You two are far too good looking to have not had gotten laid before then.”Jimmy shrugged. “We were fifteen and it was awkward as fuck,” he giggled a little at the memory and Castiel frowned at him.“It was only awkward because Anna walked in right after.”Dean couldn't help but laugh at the image of their cousin walking in on their post-coital fog. He shook his head. There was no way that did that together.“Actually there is,” Castiel said softly causing Dean to gape at him.“Did I say that out loud?”Jimmy laughed and nodded. “Cassie was my first,” he sang as he crawled from his spot on the floor over to Cas who was suddenly more interested in his bottle of gray goose.“No way...” Okay, Dean was officially fucking drunk, Castiel thought as Dean stared at them in wide-eyed fascination.“Yep. He taught me how to kiss. And I learned how to make him come apart with just my tongue,” Jimmy explained, stopping himself on all fours near Cas. He face was so close that Castiel could smell the beer on his breath. “Jimmy,” Castiel hissed trying to get his brother to stop as Dean made a whining noise. “Wanna see?” Jimmy asked looking over at Dean who nodded. “Look, Cassie. Dean wants to watch.”“Jim-”Castiel's words were abruptly cut off by his brother's very drunkenly, sloppy kiss. It was too much tongue and way too wet to be enjoyable. Seriously was Jimmy trying to lick Castiel's face like a cow does a salt lick? Normally Castiel could handle his drunken brother but this was just too much for Castiel and too awkward. He pushed Jimmy back, who made a sound of protest.“You're drunk,” Castiel said flatly.“And horny!” Jimmy laughed as Castiel rolled his eyes before looking at Dean who was watching them with interest.“I apologize, Dean. It was not my intention for you to find out about us while under the influence.”Dean shrugged. “It's okay, Cas. I just wish you guys would have told me sooner.”That made Jimmy sit back on his haunches as he darted his gaze between Castiel and Dean.Castiel sighed. “I understand, that what we do is taboo. But I love Jimmy. I can't help that.”“Cas?” Castiel looked up to see Dean smiling at him. “Dude, you don't have to explain it. I've been in love with you both since sophomore English. I just didn't know how to tell you or act on it honestly.”“Easy. You just did. Can we go fool around now?” Jimmy asked causing the others to laugh.Castiel shook his head. “No. Water. Aspirin. Bed. We'll talk about this when we're sober.”They did talk about it. For all of ten minutes. After which the twins took turns showing off their skills to Dean. Jimmy was a much better kisser when he was sober. Just saying.

[lov3bone]

1-150

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

Francesca

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Pretty shy generally

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

My coworker tomorrow, he just got back from hip surgery and I’ve been worried lmao

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I can be, but I know I can flip like a switch on some people.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Probably not.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

People who are kind of jerks, or have a kind of mean personality. I also love people who are witty, and make it easy to keep a conversation going tbh.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

I don’t know things are kinda rough rn lmao

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

This guy named Jeremy 

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Kinda

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Jeremy

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

I was kinda drunk, but I was talking about how I’m very confused

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Help - Blackbear, Guillotine - Jon Bellion, The Good In Me - Jon Bellion, Tear In My Heart - twenty one pilots, I Needed You - Blackbear (I’ve been fixated on blackbear lately)

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yeah, but only from certain people

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yeah lmAO

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I got to march in the gay pride parade

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Yeah I would

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

There has to be. We definitely are not the only ones out here man omg

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Nope

19. Do you like bubble baths?

ehhhh nah

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Wouldn’t know, never met them. It’s been 16 years. Not gonna do it now.

21. What are you bad habits?

Drinking, pushing people away before they get a chance to get close, getting anxious and clinging to people while also not letting them help me lmfao

22. Where would you like to travel?

I wanna go to Sicily one day to see part of my family!

23. Do you have trust issues?

Y e s. sorry

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Wandering around by myself after work for a couple hours

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Jawline. Like. My neck. The little part between your chin and neck. I hate it.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Kind of sit there and boot for a second, then check my phone

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

I think I’m fine with my skin lmao

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My cousin, the age difference prevents me from really relating though. But she’s one of the only people that I feel safe around rn.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Yep.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Nope

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

n o 

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

None because I’m uncomfortable with sex LOL

33. Spell your name with your chin.

e,l,l,kioigt

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

I don’t participate in sports anymore. But I used to be on a competitive crew team.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

I would rather live without tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Yes, many times

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

I usually break that by doing something stupid or blurting out something stupid because awkward silences are uncomfortable

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Pretty sure I’ve answered this before, but my answer is definitely changed since then. My dream person would be someone who’s there for me. Not leave me on read, reassure me when I start getting anxious, not see only my mental illness. Go on adventures with me, hold my hand a lot and be down for cuddling whenever.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Target, hot topic (y EAH FUCKING FIGHT ME I LIKE THE T SHIRTS), zumiez, and tj maxx

40. What do you want to do after high school?

I’ve already been through it. But, I still don’t know. I’m trying to find my way the best I can.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Fuck no.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

If I’m being extremely quiet in person that’s pretty normal it’s more my facial expression while I’m being quiet that gives anything away. If it’s texting and I’m not seeking you out or not answering you should probably be concerned.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Sometimes

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Outer space, the ocean is cool too but fuck the bottom hell no

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Either anxiety about my mom or I have to go to my job

46. What are you paranoid about?

Trusting others, being alone, certain people in my life, me

47. Have you ever been high?

Yes

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Yes

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

I really don’t fucking care at this point, but I guess. I did a big bad thing earlier today.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Red

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Yes

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My personality

53. Favourite makeup brand?

None lmao

54. Favourite store?

This pet store that’s kinda close to my house

55. Favourite blog?

@humiliated B)

56. Favourite colour?

My hair color, multiple types of greens and blues are my faves. I don’t really have a favorite 

57. Favourite food? 

cherry poptarts

58. Last thing you ate?

cherry poptarts

59. First thing you ate this morning?

nothing

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

I don’t remember what I wrote last time but I don’t think it was anything

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Almost was expelled from my mom being an asshole and telling the school that I was a ‘ticking time bomb,’ they took it very seriously

62. Been arrested? For what?

Nope

63. Ever been in love? 

Yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

It was with a boy and it was gross

65. Are you hungry right now?

no, I actually kinda feel sick

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

This is a bad question. I love all of my friends equally. 

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

No

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

Azalea, Daria, Gianna

71. Craving something? What?

Affection, feeling wanted

72. What colour are your towels?

White.. With patches of green dye lmao

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

six

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

no, unless my dinosaur shaped pillow counts?

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Around 15 or more idk

75. Favourite animal?

Mantis shrimp. I get really excited about those fuckers for some reason.

76. What colour is your underwear?

Black, and covered in pokemon

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Green tea

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Light blue

80. What colour pants?

Blue

81. Favourite tv show?

BoJack Horseman

82. Favourite movie?

Ig zootopia

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Janis Ian

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

The turtle

87. First person you talked to today?

Francesca

88. Last person you talked to today?

Daria

89. Name a person you hate?

Jeremy

90. Name a person you love?

Nobody

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Yes

92. In a fight with someone?

Yes

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

3 pairs

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

13

95. Last movie you watched?

The Babadook

96. Favourite actress?

None

97. Favourite actor?

None

98. Do you tan a lot?

No

99. Have any pets?

Yeah I have a lot of pets lmao

100. How are you feeling?

Really bad now tbh

101. Do you type fast?

Depends on how I’m feeling

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Yes. Many things.

103. Can you spell well?

I do if I’m not intoxicated or anxious

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yeah 

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Nope

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

I guess

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yes

108. What should you be doing?

Making amends

109. Is something irritating you right now?

YEP

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Mhm

111. Do you have trust issues?

Y e s. This was answered earlier on wtf

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

I don’t really cry in front of people. I can’t remember. Probably Marielle. That was almost a year ago.

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Samsam

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

Not anymore

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Yeah, listening to blackbear

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Not really tbh

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Yes I love chinese food

119. Favourite book?

Perks of being a wallflower

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

A little bit

121. Are you mean?

As of lately, yeah

122. Is cheating ever okay?

It’s never okay to do that.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Hell nO LMAO

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No

125. Do you believe in true love?

I’m not sure

126. Are you currently bored?

No

127. What makes you happy?

Not much. 

128. Would you change your name?

Yeah, I’m currently trying to 

129. What your zodiac sign?

Sagittarius 

130. Do you like subway?

Eh

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Give it a go, whatever.

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Wtf more double questions. But Jeremy.

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

‘I’ve been going to sleep with my head fucking pounding, ow’

It’s fucking relatable okay

134. Can you count to one million?

Probably

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

“Yeah I’m not drunk I swear.”

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed

137. How tall are you?

5′2

138. Curly or Straight hair?

Straight

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Brunette

140. Summer or Winter?

Winter

141. Night or Day?

Night

142. Favourite month?

October

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Fuck no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Dark

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee

146. Was today a good day?

No

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?

Well, you come by it honestly, the ugliness inside you. You were born broken, that’s your birthright. There’s no cure for that. -BoJacks mother Beatrice

Kinda just hits home lmao

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

I’ve answered this like 4 times. Yes.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

A skin of seaweed had washed up on the rocks and jumped with sea lice.

[jiminnieblues-blog]

get to know me tag(s)

yoo so recently i’d been tagged to do three get to know me tags, and i dont want to make three separate posts for each so im gonna combine all of them in this one post which is under a cut bc……….its really long LOL anyways i was tagged by @lovhobe, @elementaljimin, and @protectkimtaehyung thank you so much guys!!!!!!!!!!! <333 im glad i got to know yall better asdfgh

im tagging @jiminslipgloss​, @jxxminmols​, @kismet-soo​, @baeklipse​, @sonyeondn​, @neckatie​, @kihyunswife​ and @bulletproofbookworm​ you guys are welcome to do however many of these you want lol i just didnt wanna tag people separately for each tag

i was tagged by @lovhobe​ to do the 20 questions one tysm!!  instructions: answer the 20 questions and tag 20 amazing followers you would like to get to know better. (lol yall already know i aint tagging 20 people)

name - zara

nickname - um a few of my friends like to call me zar-zar and i get called zaro by my family a lot

zodiac sign - cancer

height - 5′ 3″

orientation - straight

ethnicity - pakistani

favorite fruit - pineapple i think

favorite season - fall

favorite book series - idk um i’ll be that person and say harry potter lol i cant rlly think of a good series rn but my fave book is the kite runner 

favorite flower - i dont rlly know a lot of flowers but i like roses and the vibrant colors that orchids can have

favorite scent - fresh laundry

favorite color - purple

favorite animal - zebras?

coffee, tea, or hot cocoa - hot cocoa

average hours of sleep - five

cat or dog person - i like both but i think i like cats a little more

favorite fictional character(s) - this is hard bc i used to be in a lot of fandoms asdfghjkl draco, red & gold, percy, bakugou, link and i have more from all the drama i watch but the list will be to long lmao !!!

number of blankets you sleep with - three

dream trip - idrk?? somewhere out of the country i guess i dont leave the us unless im going to pakistan lol

blog created - i had to check my archive lmao but i made this blog in oct of 2015

number of followers - :^)

NEXT i was tagged by @eternaljimin​ for the get to know me tag tysm !! there werent any instructions just.........answer the questions lol.

a - age - fourteen lmao.........................

b - biggest fear - tight spaces

c - current time - 10:35 pm

d - drink you had last - water

e - everyday starts with - getting out of bed??

f - favorite song - im saying this just bc it just came out but RUMOR BY KARD IS A BOP WATCH IT AND SUPPORT THESE LEGENDS  

g - ghosts are real? - idk my dude

h - hometown/country - us

i - in love with - jimin?

j - jealous of - i was just watching sbs kpop star and there are these two kids who are eleven yrs old and are so talented i wish i was talented you feel 

k - killed someone - why would someone even ask this akshf ofc not

l - last time you cried - i think i cried today lmfao

m - music you last listened to - RUMOR BY KARD

n - newest thing you bought for yourself - i think the last thing i spent my money on was cheez its from the vending machine @ school ajksf

o - one wish - i wish my life went smoothly and that i wasnt mentally ill?? lmao

p - person you last messaged - @jiminslipgloss​ :)

q - questions you get asked often - since i wear the hijab i get a lot of questions abt that i also get questions on my rbf like ‘why do you look so depressed all the time’ asfkjkj

r - recommended (movie? series? book?) - i just remembered that i read this book called this blinding absence of light and it was rlly good a little explicit but it was a damn good book i rlly wanna re read it 

s - song you last sang - i dont rmbr but it was probs a track from hamilton lol

t - thanks, last person you said thanks to - the waiter that gave me food @ a restaurant i went today 

u - underwear youre wearing - not sure what this is asking but im wearing a purple one rn???

v - vacation, your dream vacation - i dont rlly have one lol

w - worst habit - idk if this counts but i lose my temper a lot? is that a habit? if not i tend to space out/get distracted a lot esp in class

x - x rays youve had - my teeth, my ankle, a few of my fingers

y - your favorite food - rice !

z - zodiac sign - cancer

for the third one i was tagged by @protectkimtaehyung​ for the seventy questions tag tysm!!!!!!

do you have a good relationship with your parents? yeah

who did you last say i love you to? um listen im rlly not tryna be edgy but i seriously dont rmbr the last time i said ily irl

do you regret anything? i regret a lot of things lol

are you insecure? unfortunately

whats your relationship status? single

how do you want to die? asdfghjkl um a painless death i think

what did you last eat? rice

played any sports? i used to play tennis and swim but now i do kung fu

do you bite your nails? no

when was your last physical fight? i kind of have......to fight in kung fu so like when i last had class lol

do you like someone? no

have you ever stayed up forty-eight hours? yeah

do you hate anyone atm? i tend to hate a lot of ppl lmao?

do you miss someone? uhm i dont think so

have any pets? no :// i used to have parakeets but i gave them away and i just recently found out that they passed away :(((

how exactly are you feeling right now? i was kinda happy but since its sunday night im starting to feel shitty bc i dont want to go back to school tmrw afjh and im rlly tired

ever made out in the bathroom? no

are you scared of spiders? yeah lol

would you go back in time if you were given the chance? this is an interesting question bc it depends like if i were given just one chance then mayyyybe id go back and change smth i did that was stupid but if were given the chance to go whenever i want then probably not bc thats way too much pressure/commitment to have a power like that sdhfa 

where was the last place you snogged someone? i havent snogged anyone lmfao

what are your plans for this weekend? sleep

do you want to have kids? how many? i dont want to have kids bc childbirth doesnt seem appealing to me but idk i might change my mind when im older/more mature

do you have piercing? how many? one on both ears

what is/are/were your best subjects? the only classes i have solid as in are art, lit, and w4p lol math and science are def not my thing

do you miss anyone for your past? from my past, yes

what are you craving right now? sleep

have you ever broken someones heart? in first grade some kid liked me and i embarrassed him in front of his friends to get him to stop liking me so yeah i was wildin in first grade

have you ever been cheated on? no

have you ever made a significant other cry? no

whats irritating you right now? my tiredness? 

does somebody love you? oh geez i hope lmao

what is your favorite color? purple

do you have trust issues? yeah

who/what was your last dream about? um i dont think i remember v clearly

who was the last person you cried in front of? my mom

do you give second chances out easily? i dont think ive been in a situation where ive had to but i probably wouldnt 

is it easier to forgive or forget? wow um can i say neither lol

is this year the best year of your life? definitely not

how old were you when you had your first kiss? havent had one

have you ever walked out naked? no

favorite food? rice

do you believe everything happens for a reason? hmmm probably idk man i dont think too hard lol

what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? scrolling through this hell website

is cheating ever okay? no

are you mean? i probably dont come off as mean online but im not gonna lie i def get mean irl

how many people have you fist fought? i dont think ive been in a situation where i had to punch someone?

do you believe in true love? ive never experienced romantic love so i wouldnt be able to say but probably aajkf ive read/watched too much and analyzed too many relationships for me to say love is real but...........love isnt real yall

favorite weather? when the sun is covered by clouds and its a little chilly

do you like the snow? ive only encountered snow like twice so idk but i feel like i wouldnt like it very much lol

do you want to get married? idk man

is it cute when someone calls you baby? pet names arent rlly my thing lol 

what makes you happy? sleep...........im rlly tired rn 

would you change your name? no

would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? this is an interestingly phrased question lol. well i dont rmbr the last person i kissed so idk

your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? wow that would be rlly sad LMAO but id turn him down and tell him to get better standards wtf

do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? well they wouldnt be considered my friend if i couldnt act like myself around them so yes

who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? i just texted my friend so we can play video games aslfkh 

whos the last person you had a deep conversation with? literally the same dude from the last question lol

do you believe in soulmates? um no i dont think so?

id there anyone you would die for? my family/friends

thanks everyone again for tagging me !! <33