#if my GM says anything i legit will be like what? am I the Incredible Hulk?nah. your stools are shit

[scottishstoner]

The way I was angrily putting bar stools down and fucking broke the leg off one lol-

WELL then

Ngl I absolutely thought of that iasip scene from Charlie work when Charlie breaks the bar stool it was exactly like that man only nobody sat on it and fell although ngl I hate most of the customers so it’d of been pretty funny

[first-and-ten]

2016 Post-Regular-Season Check-In

What a ride, eh? 

I’m sure I’m not the only one who noticed the trend of incredibly high scoring in the NFL going the way of the dodo? It seems like there was more defense and less success in the passing game. That’s backed up by the fact that most of the playoff teams are the ones that have figured out good ways to use their running game. 

The playoffs are here now, and they feature some real oddities.

Records listed (preseason prediction) - (midseason prediction) - (reality)

Check out full prediction here

AFC

NORTH

Steelers (11-5, 3 seed) – (10-6, 3 seed) - (11-5, 3 seed)

Ravens (9-7) – (7-9) - (8-8)

Bengals (9-7) – (9-6-1) - (6-9-1)

Browns (3-13) – (0-16) - (1-15)

The Ravens put up a good fight, but the writing was on the wall with Pittsburgh’s offense. They do have a legitimate shot at taking down the Patriots. I’m still kinda shocked by what happened to the Bengals, I’m not sure what to do without their first-round loss to look forward to. The Browns are lucky not to have gone 0-16, nobody wants to do that. I’m not looking forward to the drama of their #1 overall pick, or to seeing whether they can actually find their quarterback. This team seems as far as ever from making things work, but they may finally have a coach, so that’s nice? 

SOUTH

Texans (8-8) – (6-10) - (9-7, 4 seed)

Titans (4-12) – (7-9, 4 seed) - (9-7)

Colts (8-8) – (6-10) - (8-8)

Jaguars (8-8, 4 seed) – (5-11) - (3-13)

If you told me before the season that the Titans would win 9 games and miss the postseason, I wouldn’t know what to say about that. I made as much fun as anyone of the Mularkey hire, but it seems to have been the right move. There are some clear things for the Titans to work on, but they’re so close to legit. The Texans made the playoffs without JJ Watt, and honestly it seems at times like it’s freed up Clowney to find his place in the NFL, which is great. But the Osweiller debacle looks worse and worse every week, and I really don’t know how they’re gonna move forward. Another year, another waste of Andrew Luck’s talent, and it wasn’t all on the defense. The Colts did finally have a 1,000 yard rusher, so that’s nice for them, but the offensive line is still crap. I’m baffled that nobody’s been fired over there, and I have no idea whether bringing Peyton in would fix anything. And then lastly, there’s the Jaguars, who have finally given up on the most recent era of disappointment. That’s not an incredibly appealing job, because whoever they bring in is going to have to fix the Bortles situation. I have been consistent in thinking he was crap, and I think that case is closed after this year. They were supposed to contend, instead they flatlined.

EAST

Patriots (11-5, 2 seed) – (14-2, 1 seed) - (14-2, 1 seed)

Dolphins (5-11) – (8-8) - (10-6, 6 seed)

Bills (6-10) – (9-7) - (7-9)

Jets (9-7, 5 seed) – (6-10) - (5-11)

The Patriots continue their reign of terror, but the rest of the division does provide some intrigue. The Dolphins finally made the playoffs, which I did not expect from them. I’m honestly kinda proud of Adam Gase, glad that guy’s got something going, I’m not so sure about Ryan Tannehill still though. Lucky for him he doesn’t have to be the one to stink it up in Pittsburgh next week. The Bills finish ahead of the Jets but are somehow in much worse shape. They’ll be looking for a new head coach, and I hate to say I told you so but I definitely did. I hope they find someone who will know what to do with the talent on offense, instead of thinking they need a defensive guy again. And I hope the ownership realizes the EJ Manuel experiment was a failure. I doubt it though, because it sounds like the GM is being a dick about it all. Keeping Todd Bowles is good, but the Jets are once again in quarterback no man’s land. They have four guys, and none of them seems like The Guy. Bringing Fitz back didn’t work, and Revis is clearly past his expiration date. With a ton of money going into the defense, they should be getting better results. This project could take awhile, I think patience with Bowles is warranted.

WEST

Chiefs (9-7, 6 seed) – (10-6, 5 seed) - (12-4, 2 seed)

Raiders (8-8) – (10-6, 6 seed) - (11-5, 5 seed)

Broncos (12-4, 1 seed) – (12-4, 2 seed) - (9-7)

Chargers (7-9) – (9-7) - (5-11)

Well, here we are. We did not make the playoffs. I will breath, and I will be okay, and I will move on. Frankly, it was a stretch from the beginning. There was so much that was unsustainable about our miracle 2015 season. But boy did it all come down fast. CJ and Manovich were our run game, and our run game was our offense, and it just disappeared. And now Kubes is out, and I am terrified that Elway will hire a defensive coach and Wade will be lost too. That’s pretty square one, don’t you think? I also hear that people want Paxton Lynch in, and I find a hard time imagining that he’ll really be better than Siemian by the start of next year. This is all just too complicated. I appreciate the sentiment, but this is why “win from now on” was never a reality. We’re not the Patriots, they’ve coma about their sustained success through general nefariousness and being godawful people. The frustrating thing, though, is that you can point to just a handful of plays in a handful of games that could have gotten us back. Say we play the beginning of the Chargers Thursday game a little better, we punt from midfield in OT against the Chiefs, we don’t drop that touchdown in Tennessee, suddenly we’re 11-4-1 and the 6 seed. But alas, no. Now we look to the future, to DeMarcus Ware retiring and making way for Shane Ray, to hoping Elway hires Shannahan and hoping that’s not a stupid idea, to rooting like hell for the Not Evil playoff teams which is like 3 of them. The Chargers are still maybe or maybe not playing in LA next season, and they fired their head coach despite the evidence that he was not the problem. Rivers and Gates will both be retiring soon, and they can’t keep their good guys off IR, and none of those good guys are on defense in the first place except Jason Verrett and now Joey Bosa. KC and Oakland both made the playoffs, I’m pretty disappointed that the Raiders are so hollowed out just because it makes it less dramatic that I predict them to fail miserably. Just know that I would pick them to lose to anyone but the Texans or Dolphins int he playoffs even with Carr. Without him, they are not winning a game, no way. The Chiefs, though... Their balance and explosiveness are key in playoffs, and they have a dramatic home field advantage. They have championship potential, which sucks because Travis Kelce and Tyreek Hill don’t deserve that.

NFC

NORTH

Packers (14-2, 1 seed) – (12-4, 1 seed) - (10-6, 4 seed)

Lions (5-11) – (6-10) - (9-7, 6 seed)

Vikings (8-8) – (11-5, 5 seed) - (8-8)

Bears (8-8) – (4-12) - (3-13)

What a roller coaster season for the Vikings! from 8-8 projection to the 5 seed back to a pitiful finish and a weird QB controversy. Peterson won’t be back, and the offense needs so much work. Minnesota saw what could be and then had it drowned in front of them. The offseason should be about trying to figure out what it was that made them so unstoppable in the first part of the season. The Lions are a puzzle, they’ve trailed in the 4th quarter of every game but one and yet are somehow a playoff team. Stafford was int eh MVP talk until he hurt his finger, and he was doing that with very little run support and inconsistent receivers. The defense isn’t special either. It’s weird to think Jim Caldwell was on the hot seat after last year. Jim Bob Cooter kinda bailed him out. The Bears are still at least a year away. They had no consistency at QB, but they found an amazing young runner who they can build around. Matt Barkley made a case and then unmade it over the course of the last month of the season, so there’s some soul searching to do there. Good move to keep John Fox, just like Bowles in New York. And then there’s the Pack. I don’t know what switch got flipped, but just when the Packers were a hard sell to even make the playoffs, they did exactly what they needed. Could have been Jordy finding his sea legs again, could have been Rodgers clicking into gear, but it is working. It’s not a fluke. The NFC is a brutal road this year, but somehow they have a shot despite the fact that their tailback wears 88 and their defense is just a pile of body bags.

SOUTH

Falcons (6-10) – (11-5, 3 seed) - (11-5, 2 seed)

Buccaneers (7-9) – (5-11) - (9-7)

Saints (9-7, 6 seed) – (8-8) - (7-9)

Panthers (13-3, 3 seed) – (8-8) - (6-10)

The NFC South features one of the more dramatic falls from grace. Turns out the Panthers needed Josh Norman more than they seem to have thought. They also need momentum, and they really need Jonathan Stewart to not get injured.  The Saints frustrate me because they consistently fail to make progress on the many things that stand between them and a return to relevance. It seems like it’s a done deal that within three years Brees will retire and Payton will go elsewhere and the Saints will be irrelevant again. Brees threw for 5,000 yards for the 5th time. Nobody else has done it more than once.  Unfortunately, the Buccs actually did build on their young core. Jameis was inconsistent but he has the targets, that’s for sure. And a mediocre defense doesn’t hurt as much when Doug Martin can keep the other guys off the field. I’m still not sold on Dirk Koetter, but I was clearly a doubter before the season, and the two games they finished over my projection were actually fairly significant. I was most surprised, though, by the division-winning Falcons, who I obviously really misread before the season. I was not alone, but I was incredibly far off. I remember thinking “honestly, this roster and staff seems like it could spend a whole season at the 6-0 Falcons from early last year.” I should have noted that hunch a lot more. The thing, though, is that the Falcons, despite having the league leader in sacks on their side, do not field a playoff defense. They just don’t. Someone is gonna shred them faster than they can shred back.

EAST

Cowboys (7-9) – (11-5, 4 seed) - (13-3, 1 seed)

Giants (8-8, 4 seed) – (8-8) - (11-5, 5 seed)

Washington (6-10) – (7-8-1) - (8-7-1)

Eagles (5-11) – (10-6, 6 seed) - (7-9)

This topsy turvy ass division just needs to stop, alright? Obviously the story of the season was the Dallas Cowboys being total freaks, which I hate. I do love the fact that the Giants beat them twice, that’s hilarious. I hate the media coverage they’ve been getting, but there’s no denying that after years of jibing at Jerry Jones for making stupid team-building decisions, he finally started listening to his son and it paid off. Of course, so did having Sean Lee around all season. I maintain that the Cowboys won’t win a playoff game, and I will tell you why: first of all, they are too young, and I don’t care how poised those young guys are, the team is going to find that the postseason is a different animal. Secondly, the defense is just not up to snuff. It’s been alright, but not the same caliber as the offense. And third, the two weeks off will get to them. It just will. It can’t not in the market they live in. They’ll start to believe things about themselves, and they’ll be inundated with the flashiness of it all, and then some team that’s all weathered and fired up will come in and play harder. Mark my words.  That team might even be the Giants, who look better under MacAdoo than they did under Coughlin. Amazing that they’re coming in despite poor QB play because they’ve got a good defense, and looking to blaze through the Packers and Cowboys to upset the Patriots who seem destined to win the ‘ship. I mean what year is it? And how is it that Eli is in his thirties, looks like he’s 9, and throws like he’s 70? And of course Washington and Philly are left looking in on the playoffs. It really looked like the Eagles were going to go, but much like the Vikings it all just came crashing down around midseason. Promising stuff from Wentz and Pederson, but it’s hard to know what to make of it. Just like with Cousins and Gruden last year. See how well that turned out? 

WEST

Seahawks (13-3, 2 seed) – (11-4-1, 2 seed) - (10-5-1, 3 seed)

Cardinals (11-5, 5 seed) – (8-7-1) - (7-8-1)

Rams (6-10) – (5-11) - (4-12)

49ers (4-12) – (1-15) - (2-14)

The 49ers are set to have their 4th head coach in 4 years. Their finances are a disaster in terms of salary cap, nobody wants to go work for a front office that’s always got two fingers on the trigger, players retire at an alarming rate, their new stadium is a drag, they played themselves out of the #1 pick with a last-minute 2-point conversion, they still have no QB and honestly not much of anyone else either. And those black unis are a crime. So life is good for the Niners, eh? Well, better than things in LA maybe. The Rams are also finally done with this 4-12 bullshit, so they’re asking someone to come to a team still adjusting to their new city to coach the youngest roster in the NFL, headed by a guy who can’t throw and who cost every meaningful draft pick from here until forever. The good part is that the front office just got done proving that they will give a guy TOO MANY chances, the opposite of SF’s problem. Oh and Aaron Donald, they have that. The Niners and Rams were supposed to suck though, what about Arizona? Say what you will about annoying sports hot takes, one of them before the season was that Carson Palmer would be below his 2015 level, and that was certainly the case. Such a waste, as David Johnson had an MVP caliber season. Larry Fitzgerald isn’t getting any younger, and he deserves a ring. The defense and the passing game really faltered, and when you think about it, they struck a fragile balance last season anyway. I think this particular window might be shutting for the Cards, and it’s perhaps time to build for a new one. That just leaves the Seahawks. Seahawks, come back to me, man. Please start drafting actual o-linemen. Russell Wilson cannot keep doing this, it in unsustainable. And then there’s the defensive injuries, which could easily cost Seattle a playoff run. Some weird, stupid losses this season already sunk them into the 3 seed, and I’m picking them as Super Bowl winners but honestly I’m just being a homer there. At least they’ve figured out how to use Jimmy Graham, though?

Pretty straightforward AFC, a lot more complicated on the other side. Call me optimistic but I think the Seahawks can catch fire and go get revenge on the Evil Empire. Matt Ryan is the MVP, but Rodgers is not far behind.