#if middle earth had imessage:

[capricciosso]

very funny that there is something like a two decade time skip at the beginning of fellowship after gandalf learns about the ring and then goes off to do his own thing. and we’re like okay that’s a bit weird but go have fun I guess. and then we later learn that aragon has probably spent a good bit of all that time playing sheepdog to the shire. really good.

[cathleennguyen-blog]

Losing a Love

     This is the most pain I’ve ever endured so far in the 23 years that I have lived on this earth. I didn’t know something could hurt this bad. I thought I have been a pretty strong person for the most part, but the world has a funny way of humbling you. It really doesn’t help that I’m a sensitive person.

     When I say losing a love, in my case I mean that I can no longer love someone the way that I did for a little over 6 months. I can be friends with them and give them support in the future after I allow myself to heal, but I can’t romantically be involved with them. We have no bad blood towards each other whatsoever, but I can’t help but feel a little mad and frustrated about the way that things turned out. There are things I want to ask them, but one of the things this relationship has taught me is that I cannot always seek out answers. Seeking out answers may only cause more confusion or more pain... sometimes it’s truly not worth pursuing. Seeking out answers will not do me any good in this case, because no matter what they are no longer my person. The even sadder thing is that the primary reason why we cannot date anymore isn’t because of something either of us did; it’s because of what’s happening in their life. They’re so overloaded with working towards their future and they’re in the middle of figuring out how to even process something unfortunate that happened towards the end of last year. It’s not their fault that they need this time alone. I’m actually really glad that they were able to figure out that they cannot handle a relationship at the moment and they can see that they cannot control the fact that their personal life will inevitably hurt me. They can’t control the fact that they are sad all the time and that they cannot give romantic affection in any form... Knowing all of this doesn’t make it hurt any less for me though. 

     “At least you can still talk to them in the future and there’s no ill will”. Sure. That’s true, but is that what I need to hear right now? No its not. The primary reason as to why I am hurting so much right now is because I don’t have the status that I was so proud. I don’t have the status of being their girlfriend anymore, I have the status of being the friend. This is not to say that I think romantic relationships are more important than platonic relationships. However, I’ve only known how to love this person romantically... We didn’t start out as friends. So I’m in between these thoughts of knowing that I’m still fortunate enough to have them in my life as a friend and being upset that I can’t have them the way that I want to. Both thoughts are valid and true, but they sort of go against each other.

     This whole experience has been exhausting because I am the type to rip off the band-aid. I burned the six month letter I wrote to them, I burned the valentines day card that I never finished. I threw away a stuffed animal that I gave them, that once represented me being there for them even when I’m not there in person. I deleted all of the photos I had together with them, the only photos I have left are the ones I took of them on my professional camera. I deleted the conversation I had with them on iMessage and Instagram. I did that all in a matter of 5 days. It’s fucking exhausting and draining and reminding and painful and devastating. 

     I naturally expected, and at the same time didn’t expect, for them to show some sort of sign that a part of them didn’t want to end what we had. I wanted to see that they still had feelings for me and that this was difficult for them. The last day I saw them to return their hoodies/tshirts, they were just happy the whole time. Maybe their intention was to not ruin the mood during the (possibly) last time that we saw each other in person, to make this as painless as possible. But I feel like it really did more damage than it did good, because now I’m left with this feeling. This feeling that the past 6 months meant nothing to them, that everything I put into the relationship wasn’t important enough for to grieve over. But I always have to remind myself that they have been stoic for the past couple of months. They are stoic not because they have feelings, but because they have too much right now. To let themselves feel everything they’re feeling feels dangerous and crippling, so instead they choose to hold it in. Holding it in is their new reality, because once they don’t hold it in they just might lose all the strength they have left to keep going. It’s like a very thin string representing their strength is holding together two mountains: sanity and reality. Some days that string has probably broken and they broke down with it, isolated themselves, condemned themselves for not being able to holding it together. 

     I wanted to be able to have the status of being their romantic lover, initially because I wanted to take their pain away. This was a mistake, and I realized that instead of taking the pain away, I should instead sit in the pain with them. Give them the escape that they so often needed, help support them on the days that they cannot help themselves. I realized all of that too late, because during the time that I told them about that epiphany, they were already on the road of breaking up with me. I also want to be their girlfriend because I constantly wanted to be updated on how their life is... they replied to me every hour, while with everyone else they replied to them once every other day. Now I can’t have that, and I have to be comfortable with them treating me as a friend... something that I will have to get used to. This shit really hurts man.

     I already think about how much it would fuck me up if I saw them dating someone else while they’re still trying to grapple the things that they’re dealing with. It would truly make me feel like I was not good enough, strong enough, understanding enough.. when I really did try my best. It would hurt to know that my best is not enough for someone that I genuinely loved and cared for. How disappointing would that be. I try to not think about it but I really can’t help it. 

     I have to skip every sad song I hear or else I am literally guaranteed to start crying. The song doesn’t even have to be relationships (though often they are) for me to become upset, it could just be the beat or the sadness of the lyrics. I can’t be on social media because every now and then there are sad videos or even happy videos of couples, they both make me sad. The only songs that make me feel good are songs that talk about feeling powerful or unbothered, make me feel emotions that are the polar opposite of how I’m actually feeling inside.

     Speaking of polar opposites... this is how I know I have never felt this intensity of suffering in my life. This emotional suffering is affecting my physical health. I lost 5-10 pounds in the last month and I have no doubt that I’m going to lose more; I’m already a skinny girl so this is pretty concerning. My stomach feels empty and hungry but this sick feeling overpowers it. The sick feeling of losing something I treasured so much and for them to possibly not care about what we had. It makes me lose my appetite. Sometimes I want to eat, then I take a few bites and I can’t eat anymore. I feel like the most simple tasks are daunting, like going outside and speaking to people I’m comfortable with, like doing laundry, washing the dishes, taking out the trash. But it’s funny because I see myself being more kind to strangers and checking up on my own friends... and it’s all because I do not want anyone to feel pain. I feel so much pain that I want to protect everyone from it, and I want to do everything I can to be the opposite of pain. I want to give out so much love because it’s the only thing that’s keeping me grounded on this earth at the moment. It’s comforting to see that I still have love when I’m experiencing so much pain, that I’m choosing to not go down the dark path of casting everyone away because of how much all of this hurts. I can either become stronger from this or I can crumble from it... I already know which once I’m going to choose every single day. 

     This person will always have a piece of my heart, and I have no shame in saying that... though sometimes I feel petty and I wish that they didn’t. However, I don’t want to harbor any hate or ill feelings in my heart. This is for the best, and yes it still hurts but it could have been worse if we kept going. Part of me hopes that they would want to get together in the future when we are both settled down, but I cannot endlessly hope for that or expect that. I cannot ask them if they’d be down to date later, because they won’t know the answer to that. And frankly, neither do I. Life really goes on, but that doesn’t mean that what I had with them wasn’t beautiful, They deserved every ounce of love that I gave them, and I would gladly give them more but they need to do this by themselves. We never know what the future holds. 

     Remind yourself that this pain will not be this intense forever. Remind yourself that fortunately you still can have this person in your life as a friend. Remind yourself that you are still special to them. Remind yourself that you have people who love and support you. Remind yourself that everything you feel is okay, and to not judge yourself for feeling whatever you’re feeling. Remind yourself that whoever you end up dating and marrying will be worth the wait and pain. Remind yourself that you are enough... especially remind yourself of that please. You can get through this, you are strong enough and I know that you have yourself. 

[dramaqueeenamby]

Waves [AU]

A/N: Well, you heartless bitches asked for this, so here it is. Part 1 of 2. Only tagging the few of you who expressed interest (that I can remember lol) as I don’t want to spoil anyone else’s perfect couple. 

Words: 3K

Warnings: Angst, over the top shit, etc. 

TAGS: @purple-apricots @sisterwifeudaku @idilly @honeyybey @letsshamelessqueen-m @certified-kneegrow

WAVES

Summer and Chris always had a playful type of relationship, one where insults would fling back and forth, but always with the understanding that it was all in jest.

Neither ever took anything that was said to heart.

Even when Summer told Christopher to "fuck off" and "go away," he never obliged because he knew that she didn’t really mean it.

They had an understanding. They could read each other better than anyone else in their lives could.

So, when Summer started to pull away, he noticed it immediately. As she was in the middle of filming Black Panther 2, across the globe, the physical distance put a strain on things. The twins missed their mom, and while Chris would never try to say that Summer didn’t miss the kids, something was different.

Typically, she tried to visit at least once or twice a month while being away, but this time, she said that it would just be "too hard." And, really, he understood that. Marvel’s schedules were grueling. However, he felt as though she was avoiding something.

Some…one.

On several occasions, he asked her if everything was okay, and each time, she’d smile and reassure him that she was just exhausted. At first, he believed her. Why wouldn’t he? She was his wife. He trusted her with his life, and vice versa.

Eventually, Facetime and phone calls were no longer enough for the kids. They needed to see their mother in person, and really, Chris missed her just as much.

So, he decided to surprise her, flying down with the kids to Atlanta, waiting for Summer in her rented condo. It was a wonderful surprise, Elysha and Emmett glued to their mother the whole evening, talking a hole in her head, filling her in on everything she’d missed while away.

Chris was pleased. The twins needed that. However, he also needed some alone time with his wife. So when the Hemsworth kids finally went to sleep, and he attempted to make love to her, he was most definitely surprised when she rejected his advances.

"I’m tired, baby. I had a long day on set. Maybe tomorrow." With a quick kiss on the lips, Summer brought the comforter up to her neck, turned on her side, and fell off to sleep.

That was another thing.

He couldn’t even remember the last time Summer didn’t fall asleep on his chest or nestled into his side.

Still, though….he ignored it. He believed her.

And then, the next day, Summer overslept. Rushing out of the house, she left her phone behind.

He was in the middle of fixing the twins breakfast when it lit up, notifying her that she had a new iMessage.

T’Challala 😜😜😜

He frowned.

Who….

"Chad?" He spoke to himself, ready to ignore it when it chimed again. Another text from Chad. Still, though, he tried to ignore it.

On the fifth chime though, he couldn’t help it. Grabbing it, he used his fingerprint to unlock it and opened up the thread with Chadwick.

Where are you?

Ryan is going to have your ass for being late.

I thought we were supposed to meet before filming began?

Chris’s frown deepened, but he tried to sway his suspicions. It wasn’t out of the norm for co-stars to rehearse together, especially considering the close relationship between Chad and Summer’s characters.

But then….Chris absentmindedly scrolled up to read earlier messages, and the more he read….the more upset he became. It started out harmless. However, it quickly transitioned into more inappropriate conversations. Flirting. They were flirting with each other. Heavily.

And then, he reached the explicit ones, the ones that referred to the actual acts. Sexual encounters between his wife and Chadwick, someone he thought to be a friend.

Everything that happened after that…it was really a blur. He called over a friend who lived in the area to stay with the twins before he hopped in the rental car and sped over to the set, breaking almost every traffic law.

Actually getting onto the set wasn’t a problem. He easily made his way through security and forced brief hello’s to the people he walked by. The closer he got, the more enraged he became. And when he finally reached them, saw them sitting next to each other, Chadwick whispering something in Summer’s ear, he lost all sense of self-control.

"Son of a bitch."

Summer’s head snapped in the direction of her husband as did Chadwick, but even the trained martial artist and his impressive reflexes weren’t fast enough for Chris. With one swift motion, Chadwick was yanked out of his chair as Chris’s fist connected with Chadwick’s jaw in a blow that sent him flying onto the ground.

"Christopher!" Summer stood in shock as Chris waited no time in jumping on top of Chadwick, continuing to rain his fist on top of a confused Black Panther. "What are you doing!"

"Did you think I wouldn’t find out!" Chris continued to shout as his fist repeatedly connected with Chadwick’s face. Chad made fruitless efforts to separate himself from the irate Australian, but it was no use. Chris’s size in conjunction with his rage were a recipe for disaster for the South Carolina native. "Answer me, you fucking bastard!"

"Baby, please!" Summer cried, trying to grab her husband by his forearm as security attempted to intervene, one of the guards trying to move Summer away only for her to push them away. "Christopher, you’ll kill him!"

"I don’t give a fuck!"

"Christopher, please," she plead, thankful as four guards finally pried him off her nearly unconscious costar.

"How long?"

Summer couldn’t breathe. She felt as though there was an insurgent of pressure being placed on her throat, making each breath she took that much painful. "Baby, please-"

She jumped back in fear as he kicked over the closest object, a filming camera."How long, Summer!"

At that point, she wasn’t even thinking about the crowd watching the scene unfold or the on-set parademics who were attending to a bleeding Chadwick. Her only concern, her only care, was for the distraught man in front of her, whose eyes were filled with the undeniable pain he was masking with pure rage.

"Answer me!"

Pressing her lips together, she dropped her head in shame, holding onto her stomach. "T-t-hree months."

Silence.

Summer felt like she was going to pass out.

"You bitch." Her heart throbbed from the ruthless tone of both his voice and his words. Never had he called her out of her name. Ever. "So what, you film for a few hours, go back to your hotel and call up me and the kids and pretend like give a fuck about us-"

"I love you," she croaked, wincing as he kicked another object.

"Bullshit!"

"Baby," she tried to grasp his face only for him to shove her away. "Baby, please-"

"How could you do this, Summer? To the kids?"

"Baby, can we discuss this somewhere priv-"

"Why? You don’t want everyone else to know you’ve been fucking your costar, your married costar?" Chris was purposely raising his voice as to attract as much attention to the situation as he could. He wanted to humiliate her, just as she’d done him. "Then again, you could clearly give two shits about wedding vows-"

Her jaw trembled. "That’s not true."

"Oh no?" His eyes widened in disbelief as he moved closer to her, staring down at her. "So then tell me why-how the fuck you could do this?"

"Baby," Summer reached out to touch his chest only for him to pull away from her.

"Don’t touch me, Summer," he whispered harshly. "You disgust me."

"I swear to you, Christopher, it meant nothing-"

"Then why the fuck has it been going on for all this time, Summer? Huh!" He shouted. She cried harder. "You’ve been fucking him all this time, and now you really want me to believe that it meant nothing?" His volume lowered, and while Summer thought she’d be grateful, she saw that it only lowered because of the emotion seeping through the anger. Never had he looked at her with such pain. Ever.

The fury that coursed through his body briefly broke. "I love you." The way his voice broke halfway though ‘love,’ the devastated betrayal in his normally vibrant blue eyes, the slump in his posture as he stared at her with a plethora of questions and emotions.

Summer had never so strongly desired for the earth to swallow her, to rip her from this nightmare that she called a reality. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not like this. Deep down, she knew that she would be exposed.

"What’s done in the dark always comes to the light."

Grandma’s words never rang truer than in that very moment.

"There’s nothing, nothing, Summer, that I wouldn’t have done for you." Summer was no longer concerned with the audience even though most of the onlookers had dispersed as not to invade on a clearly private and intimate situation. However, what unnerved her was the way in which he was talking.

In past tense.

"You’re upset, and you have every right-"

"Don’t fucking patronize me, Summer."

"I’m not," she croaked, clasping her hands in front of her and closing her eyes. "I swear I’m not. I just-let’s talk-"

"For what? The kids are staying with me."

Her eyes shot open. "W-what?"

"The house is just as much yours as it’s mine, but I’m not uprooting the twins, so you can pack your shit-"

"W-w-wait." Breathing was becoming increasingly difficult for the Academy Award Winner, and her vision was all but a haze as her tears clouded her eyesight. "Wh-what are you saying?"

Chris stilled, turning his head to avoid the conflicting emotions that we’re making his communication that much more irrational. "What the fuck do you think I’m saying, Summer?" He forced himself to look at her, the woman he’d promised and given the world only for her to scoff and demand the universe instead. "It’s over. I want a divorce."

She scoffed, almost falling back. "N-n-no. You-you don’t mean that-" Summer laughed, delirium settling in as her preferred defense mechanism. "We-we can work through this.

"No, we can’t," he replied coldly as she dubbed over, breathing heavy and sporadically. "This-this is beyond repair."

"Don’t say that," she cried, shaking her head. "P-please don’t do this."

Chris scoffed, finally allowing the tears he’d been holding back to fall. "I didn’t." A beat. "You did."

——

Panting, sweating, eyes bloodshot and wide, he looked around the dark space, the only light emanating from the moon that dimly shone through the wall of windows on the other side of the room.

In a panic, he glanced down and to the side, shutting his eyes in silent relief. Summer laid there, turning on her side, most likely because his abrupt movement pushed her off his chest. As she shifted her body, trying to find a comfortable position, he both told himself to leave her be while reaching over to wake her up.

"Summer, he whispered, his large hand gently shaking her shoulder. When she moaned and failed to move, he increased his volume. "Summer, wake up."

She whined, moving her shoulder to shake his hand off, mumbling incoherent words.

He sighed, running his hand over his face. "Honey, it’s important."

Summer also sighed, turning on her back, eyes still closed. "Is it the kids?"

"No."

"Then fuck off, Christopher. My jaw is still sore."

He rolled his eyes and moved on to plan B. Kicking the blankets off, he reached over, lifting her up in his arms and throwing her over his shoulder.

"Christopher!" She groaned, hitting him on his back as he walked them over to the sitting area in the separate part of their large master bedroom. "I hate you."

As soon as he placed her down on the sofa, she was on her side, attempting to go back to sleep.

Chris pinched her calf, prompting her to kick him before he lifted her legs and sat down beside her, allowing her to rest her calves on his lap.

"Sweetheart, I just had the worst fucking dream."

"That I stabbed you in your eye for waking me up? Give it time. It just may become your reality."

"You cheated on me."

At that, Summer’s eyes shot open. Eyebrows furrowed, she sat up a little, supporting her weight on her elbows. "What?"

Chris kept his eyes forward while his fingers grazed her smooth legs. "With…Chadwick."

Her eyes doubled in size. "Wait a minute." Chris watched Summer sit up all the way, removing her legs from off his lap so that she could sit on them, placing her closer. "Run that by me again."

"You two had been having an affair for months. I showed up with the kids to surprise you while you were filming, and you left your phone, so I saw the texts….."

"Wait, Chadwick as in Boseman? As in married and just had a whole baby, Mr. Boseman?"

"I showed up at the set and kicked his ass-"

"Like on the actual set set?" The more she heard, the harder it was for her to believe. "Whew chile. The dream ghetto."

"You and I got into it, well, really, I was furious-" he stopped when he heard snickering. "What the hell, Summer?" She was laughing. Literally, genuinely, wholeheartedly laughing. Hand over her mouth, Summer was clearly humored by the whole scenario. "This shit isn’t funny."

"No, it’s fucking hilarious." She corrected, wiping at her teary eyes. "Can you imagine me messing around with Chad’s cranky ass? Love him to death, great guy, but he can be a bit boring-"

"What exactly do you love about him?"

"Chris." She rolled her eyes, clearing her throat to get back to the topic at hand. "Really?"

"It’s a legitimate question."

She pushed her lips together and tilted her head to the side. "Is it though?"

Chris’s eyes fell over to the nightstand on her side of the bed. "Would you let me see your phone?"

Summer paused and chuckled. "That’s funny." She waited for him to say something, to join in on the joke, but he never did. "Christopher…" The Australian gleaned from the way his wife pulled away from him, her shoulders dropped, and eyes wide with surprise, that he’d perhaps gone too far. "You…do you not trust me?"

He reached over and pulled her back into his side. "Of course, I do."

Summer pulled away and climbed off the sofa. "It doesn’t sound like it."

He sighed. The last thing he’d meant to do was hurt her, and it was painfully evident that that was exactly what he’d done.

Standing up, he looked to see her laying on her side, on the bed, back toward him.

"Summer…." She remained quiet. "Honey-"

"How could you even allow yourself to think that I would-that I even could cheat on you?" She finally spoke, leaning up on her elbows to look at him. Chris turned his head to keep him from seeing the tears glistening in her eyes.

"I didn’t mean it like that-"

"Then how the hell did you mean it?" She demanded, sniffling and wiping at her eyes. "Because it sure as hell sounded like that."

Gently grasping her by her arms, he pulled her into his chest, wrapping his arms and securing them under her chest. "Summer, listen to me." He pressed his lips into the back of her shoulder. "And I know that our schedules have been hectic the past few months-"

"So what, because I don’t see you for a little while, you think I’m just going to seek comfort in the arms of another man?" She murmured, Chris noticing the decreased hostility in her voice as a sign that she was calming down.

"I just-I want, fuck, I need you to know, to always know how much I love you, and that I never want to do anything to make you feel unloved or to push you away."

"You won’t, Christopher," she sighed, placing her hand over his. "Unless you wake me up again because of some crazy ass dream, then I’m leaving your long neck ass for the pool boy."

"We don’t have a pool boy, Summer."

She chewed on her bottom lip. "I didn’t tell you." She yelped as he flipped them over so that she was on her back, his body hovered over hers. "His name is-"

"I don’t give a shit," he abruptly cut her off, kissing along her jaw, his hand moving up the side of her thigh.

She pouted. "Very rude, Mr. Hemsworth."

"My apologies, Mrs. Hemsworth," he chuckled, ripping off her underwear in one swift swipe. "Allow me to make it up to you."

Chris went to pull her shirt over her head when she stopped him. He frowned as she brought her hand to his chin, forcing him to look at her. "Hey." Summer lifted her other hand to his face, pushing back the short strings of hair that slightly grazed his forehead. "It’s you." He gave her a faint smile. "Always you, baby."

He pecked the top of her breast. "I love you."

She smiled and licked her lips, allowing him to lift her shirt over her head. "I love you too, Son of Odin."

He groaned. "Summer."

"Sorry," she laughed, quickly switching positions so that she was on top of him. "Allow me to make it up to you."

And that was exactly what she did, all while managing to avoid Chris looking through her phone…..

[evescole]

End Game // Peter Parker

word count: 2,309

pairing: peter parker x female!reader

warnings: swearing, middle fingers, penis parker

summary: you’ll do anything at this point to get peter parker to notice you and mj is definitely willing to help.

a/n: okay so second one in the reputation series whoop whoop. i was requested to write a second part of new girl (which i honestly didn’t think anyone would read lol) so i’ll be working on that too. this has been stuck in my to do list for a while and i finally finished it so, enjoy!

part of the reputation series

masterlist

ask me stuff

--

Another day, another disappointing experience.

It was your fault, really. You kept getting your hopes up just for them to fall over and over again.

You had an issue. Yes, an issue, and a big one at that. You were absolutely head over heels for your best friend, Peter Parker. That doesn’t sound awful, right? I mean, you’re best friends for a reason so obviously you like each other a little bit.

Yeah, no, it’s awful. While your feelings belong to him, his are with someone else. Liz Allan, the girl who held Peter Parker’s heart, unintentionally, that is. She was the most popular senior in the school so of course he fell for her. (Literally he did in the hallway one time, Ned has it on video, it’s great.) You didn’t have anything against Liz. In fact, she was one of your close friends. You just wish you could get Peter to look at you for once and not her.

“Still no luck?” Michelle frowned at you as she approached your locker. You had just tried to invite Peter to movie night but as usual, he declined.

You sighed, “What do you think?”

Michelle leaned against the lockers. “Well, I just so happen to know that you have the bestest friend ever who has an idea.”

That got your attention. “Tell me, tell me, tell me!” You shook MJ’s shoulders in excitement.

She grabbed your hands off of her gently. “As long as you never do that again.”

You pulled your hands back, holding your backpack tightly. “Yeah, okay, sorry. Tell me!”

Michelle tilted her head, smirking slightly. “Liz is going to have a party this Friday. Go. Make him regret pushing you to the side. Wow Peter into forgetting all about Liz.”

“Okay, okay. That might work. The problem is, I don’t know how to wow people, MJ!” You freaked, grabbing the ends of your hair.

Michelle rolled her eyes at you. “Yes, that’s why I am going to help you. I pinky promise he won’t be able to take his eyes off of you.”

You sighed, taking a deep breath. “We can do this. This will work, right?”

Michelle patted your head before walking. “This is gonna work, babe. I promise.”

--

Flash forward to Friday night and you were absolutely panicked. Michelle had helped you pick out a stunning outfit. You had decided to ditch the leggings and sweatshirts for a black dress and a jean jacket. You had also stolen a pair of black ankle boots from Liz to complete your look.

She wasn’t kidding when she said wow Peter completely. That’s how you ended up in the bathroom with Michelle’s hands sorting dye through your hair. You had been completely against it but she didn’t really give you an option.

“MJ, I don’t know if this is a good idea,” You mumbled as you looked at the color of the dye.

She rolled her eyes at you. “Y/N, how many times do I have to tell you, this is going to be worth it?”

Michelle had chosen two boxes: one an icy blonde and the other an almost black color. She had used the darker one for the roots of your hair and faded it into the icy blonde for the rest of it. You were terrified to see the results.

“Alright. We just have to wait a while and then rinse it all out. I’m not letting you see it until it’s done, you know that right?” She smirked at you.

You continued to scroll through your social media on your phone. “MJ, honey, I wasn’t doubting that for a second.”

“Good!” She pulled the gloves off her hands. “In the meantime, I’m going to sort through all your makeup and get mine and we’re gonna give you a makeover.”

You looked up at her. “As if dying my hair wasn’t makeover enough.”

She rolled her eyes and threw the gloves in the garbage before leaving you in the bathroom. You glanced at the mirror, seeing the dye all on top of your hair. Your phone buzzed in your hand, regaining your attention.

Liz Allan

iMessage

You sighed as you opened her text.

Hey, Y/N! Are you coming to the party tonight?

You smiled at the message, your fingers typing back quickly.

Yeah, I think so. If I can work up enough courage to not wimp out.

You watched as the little bubbles appeared at the bottom, signalling that she was replying.

You’ll be fine. Come find me when you get here :)

You responded with some form of thank you before locking your phone. You sighed, setting it on the bathroom counter before closing your eyes to take a quick nap. With how everything was looking, you were going to need all the energy you could get for this party tonight.

--

Two hours later, your hair had been freed of dye and washed before Michelle braided it to the side. Makeup followed as your friend put product after product on your face. You weren’t going to lie, it made you a bit uncomfortable but after seeing the results, you were more than thrilled.

The only issue you had was that you were letting this happen. Of course, you didn’t think you should have to dress up and wear makeup for a boy’s attention. You had to constantly remind yourself that even if Peter didn’t look at you, you were happy with who you were. Granted, MJ had you take a few risks but you felt great and you looked even better.

Outfits were put to use and before you knew it, you were hunting down Liz in her own house. The party was already in full blast with Flash playing overrated club songs in the living room. You had retreated to the kitchen in hopes of finding the hostess, just wanting to find some familiarity while MJ was eating.

“Y/N!” Liz smiled brightly as she crossed the kitchen floor. “Wow, you look great. Did you dye your hair?”

You played with the ends of the braid awkwardly. “Yeah, MJ did it for me. It’s a little risky, but I really like it.”

Liz nodded enthusiastically. “It looks awesome, girl! You look awesome! Parker’s definitely going to like it.”

“You think?” Your cheeks went red as you grabbed a water from the fridge, staying away from the red solo cups that had been littering the counter.

“Definitely!” She smiled again before her name was called from another room. “I’ve gotta go, but I’ll catch you later, okay? Be confident!”

She gave you a thumbs up as she disappeared around a corner. You took a deep breath before exhaling, gulping down some water to calm your nerves. You couldn’t even decide why you were nervous but there was no time to think on it seeing as the reason walked in the room himself.

“Peter! Hey.” You caught yourself before you came off too enthusiastic, leaning against the counter casually.

The boy’s eyes looked over to meet your form, his lips parting as he took in your appearance. “Oh, wow. Uh, hey, hi, Y/N. Wow, you look amazing.” He took a few steps forward, dragging a gaping Ned with him.

You felt your cheeks go red again as you attempted to keep calm. “Thanks. MJ worked some magic before this. Did you guys just get here?”

Peter looked back at Ned to make sure he was still breathing before replying, “Yeah, yeah. Aunt May just dropped us off and why am I telling you this, you probably don’t care and I should stop talking before it gets awkward.” A shy smile formed on his lips as he shifted his stance.

“It’s okay. Um, would you wanna join me outside? So we can get away from the crowd?” You twisted the water bottle nervously in your hands.

Words weren’t working for the Parker teen so he just pressed his lips together and nodded. You smiled at him, feeling a bit risky. You held your hand out to him, prompting him to grab it. He looked back at Ned in disbelief before grabbing your outreached hand and letting you lead him from the party.

In the years that Peter Parker had known you, he had never seen you this way. It was a whole new you, flirty and outgoing. If anything, it made him fall even further for you and he didn’t think that was possible.

The music was still loud enough that you could hear it outside. You sat down by the edge of Liz’s pool, pulling your boots off your feet so you could dip them in the warm water. A few other teens had come to the outdoors to escape the rave that had formed inside.

Peter situated himself beside you, still in shock that you had invited him to join you. You were kind of out of his league and that’s why he had done everything possible to avoid you without being rude. I mean, you were friends with Liz Allan for crying out loud. That should be proof enough that he would never have a chance. He was just trying to protect himself and his feelings from getting hurt when you rejected him.

You on the other hand, were surprised Peter agreed to hang with you. Your heart was beating a million times per minute and you just hoped he couldn’t hear it pounding through your chest. You couldn’t believe you had managed to get him out here with you, seeing as he had practically avoided you all week. Even though you were friends with people like Liz, you loved hanging with Peter, Ned, and MJ more. They kept you grounded, down to earth, and you appreciated that more than they would ever know.

“So, how’d your week go?” You asked, fumbling for anything to talk about. You sucked when it came to having conversations, especially with boys.

Peter shrugged. “The usual. Homework, Stark Internship, self-pity.”

You looked over at him. “Self-pity? Why?”

Peter’s eyes widened as he scrambled to fix his words. “I uh, I mean I’m just-”

“Peter, is everything okay? You haven’t talked to me all week and you keep avoiding me,” You blurted, just going for it.

Peter’s attempt to find a response stopped as his cheeks went red. “Um…”

You weren’t finished yet. “And don’t lie, please. We’ve been friends for who knows how long and you just started ditching me the past few weeks.”

You were being honest. He had been avoiding you as subtle as he could but it wasn’t working. All you wanted was to be with him. Yeah, it didn’t start as that but that’s where you were now. You had fallen for the Parker boy and you had fallen hard. You wanted to keep him safe from all the other girls out there that you knew would tear him to pieces and just use him for his kindness. You didn’t want to watch that happen.

“Y/N.” The way he said your name made a chill run down your spine. “I didn’t mean to. It’s just I…” He took a deep breath, eyes looking across the calm pool water. “I think I’m falling for you and it terrifies me.”

Your heart started pounding again as you reached over and grabbed his hand.  “Glad I’m not the only one.”

Peter blinked a few times in surprise. “What?”

“I like you, Peter. And I’ve been trying to get closer to you these past few weeks but you kept avoiding me so I enlisted MJ to help me. I was hoping you’d see me for once, instead of Liz.” You shrugged, your fingers still intertwined with his as if it was second nature.

“You had my eyes on you all along, love. It’s just you’re, well, you, and I’m just Peter.” Hiss red cheeks showed he was more embarrassed than he wished but he wasn’t about to let go. “You really like me?”

Rolling your eyes, you leaned over to press your lips against his. “I’ve always wanted to be your endgame.”

“Woo!” Cheering from behind you made the two of you move apart from each other quickly. None other than Ned had been cheering as Liz and MJ stood next to him. It was your turn to blush at your friend’s actions. Liz gave you a thumbs up before disappearing into the house to make sure nobody was breaking anything while MJ just flipped you off with a smile.

You grinned back at your friends before your eyes landed on Peter. To your surprise, his eyes were already on you, taking in every bit of detail you included. The corners of his lips moved into a sly grin as he moved forward, attaching his lips to yours again. You didn’t pull away this time, your hands finding their way behind his neck as he squeezed your hips.

It was all romantic and peaceful until...

“When I say Penis, you say Parker. Penis!”  

You pulled away from the shy boy in front of you to shout his last name to open air, earning a groan from said boy. He shook his head at you, keeping his hands on your hips. “On second thought, I hate you.”

You ruffled his hair as you stood up, offering him a hand. “Come on, Parker. Let’s go give Flash the biz before we ditch this party and head home together.”

And just like that, Peter Parker let the girl he fell in love with drag him back into a party, chanting his name here and there. He couldn’t even be mad. No, not at all. Not only did he have the hottest girlfriend ever, but you were also his best friend and he didn’t think it was possible to be happier with you by his side.

[b0stonmanor]

since yall kept fuckin asking heres 1-155. Go ahead and see how fucking lame I actually am

1: Full name: Madison Lyn (I’m not putting my last name on the internet lmao)

2: Age:19

3: 3 Fears: heights, elevators, being alone for the rest of my life 

4: 3 things I love: cats, coffee, sleeping

5: 4 turns on: (I’m gonna make it nonsexual okay): body mods, humor, good vibes, nice laugh

6: 4 turns off: (gonna make these nonsexual too): rude, nasty, conceited, takes days to reply lmao

7: My best friend: girl: @bohoangel guy: @bostonnanner

8: Sexual orientation: pansexual

9: My best first date: haven’t had a best one yet, need someone to change that lmao

10: How tall am I: 5′8

11: What do I miss: lots of things and people both too many too name

12: What time was I born: 2:06am

13: Favourite color: blue

14: Do I have a crush: still crushin on my last man

15: Favourite quote: either some vine or “I’m here for a good time not a long time” I have way too many favs

16: Favourite place: my room, best friends house, or beach house

17: Favourite food: buffalo chicken or alfredo

18: Do I use sarcasm: of course not 

19: What am I listening to right now: music ;)

20: First thing I notice in new person: smile

21: Shoe size: no

22: Eye color: hazel

23: Hair color: naturally brunette currently red

24: Favourite style of clothing: gothic, pop punk or hippie/boho

25: Ever done a prank call?: I havent personally 

27: Meaning behind my URL: I needed to change my url of 8 years and I wanted something short and easy to remember but I also wanted it to be a band so it would fit my blog and surprisingly this one wasnt taken

28: Favourite movie: I have way too many 

29: Favourite song: again way too many

30: Favourite band: AGAIN way too many

31: How I feel right now: I feel fucking exhausted 

32: Someone I love: okay now Im sad 

33: My current relationship status: okay NOW Im crying but single

34: My relationship with my parents: welp my dads dead and my mom and I are okay

35: Favourite holiday: Halloween or Christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing I have: no tattoos yet and I have my nose pierced and first and second holes pierced on my ears

37: Tattoos and piercing I want: too many

38: The reason I joined Tumblr: I was 12 that should be enough

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?: No. In fact I could never hate him and I dont think I’ll love anyone like I did/do him.

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: eh sometimes

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? last text over imessage yes

42: When did I last hold hands?: I have no idea

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: I dont do anything really so not too long

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?: dont out me

45: Where am I right now?: my room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: @bohoangel

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: both

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?: mom

49: Am I excited for anything?: nah

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? @bostonnanner

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?: eh

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?: yesterday

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: I mean idc but it’d just be fucking weird cause they’re kissing in front of me 

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: plenty of people lmao

55: What is something I disliked about today?: I’ll do yesterday since today hasnt really happened. But it was fathers day and my heart was hurting so bad cause I miss my dad more than anything and really wish he was still here

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: my fuckin soulmate bitch

57: What do I think about most?: in all honesty, my ex

58: What’s my strangest talent?: I can do this smile thing that nobody else can do and it makes me look like a frog

59: Do I have any strange phobias?: probably

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: in front

61: What was the last lie I told?: that I was a child of God

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: video chatting but I dont mind either

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: fuck yes and fuck yes

64: Do I believe in magic?: I’m a god damn witch bitch

65: Do I believe in luck?: I believe in karma

66: What’s the weather like right now? according to my phone its currently clear and 61 degrees

67: What was the last book I’ve read?: I have no idea

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?: eh

69: Do I have any nicknames? Maddie, Mad, Mads

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?: I had a staph infection in my foot that went back and forth across my foot and then up my leg (doctor said if my mom didn’t bring me when she did I would’ve died cause it would’ve gone to my heart)

71: Do I spend money or save it?: spend it 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?: nope

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? ye

74: Favourite animal?: cats

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: I have no idea

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: oh shit I’ve never thought of this

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: good question

78: How can you win my heart?: Be Italian 

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? I honestly have no idea

80: What is my favorite word? bitch

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: I get asked this way too much

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: probably some hippie bullshit

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?: I’ve had relatives in jail but I dont think anyones in jail rn

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? theres too many lmao

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? probably if I’ve smoked or drank or have done anything bad but only if my mom was asking

86: What is my current desktop picture? its just basic 

87: Had sex?: nah

88: Bought condoms?: nah

89: Gotten pregnant?: nah

90: Failed a class?: nah

91: Kissed a boy?: ye

92: Kissed a girl?: ye

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?: nah

94: Had job?: ye

95: Left the house without my wallet?: ye

96: Bullied someone on the internet?: nah

97: Had sex in public?: nah

98: Played on a sports team?: ye

99: Smoked weed?: ye

100: Did drugs?: nothing hardcore just smoking weed

101: Smoked cigarettes?: nah

102: Drank alcohol?: ye

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: I’ve tried

104: Been overweight?: no answer

105: Been underweight? also no answer

106: Been to a wedding?: ye

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: ye

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: ye

109: Been outside my home country?: nah

110: Gotten my heart broken?: of course

111: Been to a professional sports game?: ye

112: Broken a bone?: ye

113: Cut myself?: ye

114: Been to prom?: ye

115: Been in airplane?: ye

116: Fly by helicopter?: nah

117: What concerts have I been to?: pink, metallica/volbeat, warped tour 2016,2017,2018, jingle ball, some birthday bash, I cant remember if I’ve been to any other ones lmao

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?: not entirely 

119: Learned another language?: not fully

120: Wore make up?: ye

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?: I’m a child of god

122: Had oral sex?: nah

123: Dyed my hair?: ye

124: Voted in a presidential election?: not yet

125: Rode in an ambulance?: couldve a couple times but my parents decided to drive me

126: Had a surgery?: nah

127: Met someone famous?: I guess? 

128: Stalked someone on a social network?: who doesnt do this

129: Peed outside?: ye

130: Been fishing?: ye

131: Helped with charity?: I think so

132: Been rejected by a crush?: who doesnt get rejected

133: Broken a mirror?: probably

134: What do I want for birthday?: lots of things

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?: I have no idea

136: Was I named after anyone?: No but I have the same middle name as my aunt

137: Do I like my handwriting?: ye

138: What was my favorite toy as a child?: I have no idea

139: Favorite Tv Show?: American Horror Story, Bob’s Burgers, The Office, or Drunk History

140: Where do I want to live when older?: New Hampshire

141: Play any musical instrument?: I can play the violin and piano and can also sing but idk if that counts lmao

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?: its barely noticeable but literally right under my left eye (like right at the edge of my dark circle lmao) I got attacked by a dog and it bit me in the face and I had to get stitches but I bitched out and had it glued instead lmao

143: Favorite pizza topping? cheese

144: Am I afraid of the dark?: depends where I am

145: Am I afraid of heights?: ye

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?:nah

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?: haha yeah

148: What I’m really bad at: everything

149: What my greatest achievements are: I fucking graduated from high school. Like I would never wish what I went through on anyone ever not even my worst enemy. It was worse than hell

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: I honestly dont remember 

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: lots of stuff

152: What do I like about myself: my eyebrows

153: My closest Tumblr friend: I cant say @bohoangel cause I’ve known her since 5th grade so I’ll say @bostonnanner even though we met on omegle years ago lmao

154: Something I fantasize about: lots of things

155: Any question you’d like?: literally whatever anyone wants to know

[ceraphin-blog]

Anergetic Warmonger

               I was traveling by plane and landing in my favorite state (which happens to be Washington state). I love the smell of the rainforest which somehow makes me feel even more connected to myself. I had a 5-month-old baby girl, my first and currently only child and my now ex-girlfriend. We were going to be miles apart and I knew that this time would be stressful for her. I did worry but I knew I needed this. A retreat into the depths of the Puget Sound. Compared to my prior high desert living this place felt so alive! I was breathing deeply for the first time. The air that wraps like a blanket across chilled skin, the sky that now reflected my soul, and the greenery to show my lust for hope. All things made new, I think to myself. On the flip side my greatest distaste is revealed when I look around. I’m confronted by the cars and traffic that make the highway feel like reserve street at 5pm. My cab driver is a local and seems down to earth, full of life, young and upward bound. I vicariously soak up his vibes and resolutely turn my back on all worries. I foolishly think that this kid must have no stressors compared to what I have. This predisposition was probably wrong, but I’ll never truly know and maybe I’ll never learn. We drive down the road talking about his successes, hopes, and dreams. I bounce back with words of dishonesty. His joy drags me out of the mire, at least for now.  I’ll keep focusing on where I am and not where I was because nothing else seems to be working. We drive what should have been 30 minutes for another hour and 15 minutes. We begin to pull up to the grounds, the grounds where I’d still find myself barred.

Most of my stories seem dismal but that isn’t who I am, it’s just how I was made. When I arrive to the office; to which the name of the place I’ve still omitted, I feel like I’m back in Virginia. The cultural diversity was real, and I felt like I was about to get issued a uniform. Thank God, none of that happened as I have a mental sigh of relief. I feel down to my packed bag full of clothes that would help me blend. I’ve always been a plain guy. There are a lot of people at this ‘resort’ of sorts. They all have different backgrounds some more intimidating than others. Little did I know that I would meet some of the most profound people in my life. I get to my shared room and try to find a bed with enough privacy to feel secluded. I don’t want confrontation or feelings, I just want freedom. It’s funny when we say the sun brings joy but why is it that depression just feeds dopamine when the skies are grey? The weight of the sky, the blanket of those staggering trees that look like they could lift you like feather. It’s mysticism, a realm of my childhood perhaps.  I believe its true that men are supposed to be adventurers and something about getting lost inspires me. “Get Lost!” is more of a warm welcome than a deliberate provocation in my experience. When I finally settle down I put at least some of my things in their spot, not wanting to appear a slob around others. I pull out my 2011 MacBook Pro and, in my futility, spend hours trying to install a ported version of Skyrim on my laptop. As someone I overheard has said, Skyrim is the depressed persons dream, and I don’t think he was wrong. I had few passions left and all were quite selfish in hindsight; I still avoid this person from time to time as he comes back to rudely take the seat. I get a phone call and answer it, my ex was checking in. I wearily respond with great disinterest, and I hated that about me. I tell her I’m fine, wish the best, and sporadically inquire about how things are, knowing they hadn’t changed much in a days’ time. We say our goodbyes and I look around the room. I decide it’s time to meander to find something to eat.

The food they served was good and since we were on the west coast the fish was pretty good. Most others were complaining about how they could do better initiating the memories of my middle school life. Kids would poke and prod at their food and say the cafeteria food sucks and bluntly throw out everything except the main course. I laugh looking back because the main course was what they had complained most about. I grew up very thankful, we had very little then. My mother was my sole supporter, and to this day a couple of my brothers and sisters are those little kids she still cares for. I’m turning 27 in a couple months and I’m the youngest, if that means something. After taking in this memory most of which I had spent by myself trying to ignore the groups of people that walked past, I realized I had finished my food and began my short walk back to the dom. We had a group meeting led by the others in our group who had been there longer. They would talk about how we need to keep better care of ourselves and others. They also had a chant which Thank God, I’ve put out of my mind. As the reader you may have presupposed where I am, or maybe not. I call it therapy, or simply where the crazy people go and I’m not crazy. I don’t belong. Days would go by at this place and I would go to therapy groups to learn about depression, anxiety, or PTSD. Therapists seemed to have learned something because they seemed to understand that although they direct the group they shouldn’t be the leaders. They would ask a question and either everyone fired off wanting to put their two cents in or we’d sit there staring at each other afraid, or even unwilling to respond. A simple question can be so daunting or even unfair and I didn’t fit. Anger isn’t an emotion, it’s a reaction. When I would see people put up these defenses I became cautious. I am quick to make judgements, perhaps too quick, a fatal flaw of mine. I just knew one thing, I didn’t belong.

I like to believe I am well rounded, and I make connections to experiences like any other human. I mean just look at an advisor’s office, when you see all those little toys or momentous they do serve a purpose. Those trinkets serve to jog your memories and hopefully to make association. Comfort is found in the eyes of a good first impression and my impression of those around me is very mixed. In the rough stratification in our social groups some lead, and others are left to believe they are wanted. It seems the group really drew to me trying to connect with our very different experiences. At least until I started hearing of another who knew displacement, Adam Posadas the ‘Anergetic Warmonger’. Never had I felt so dim compared to another. When we met we had some free time upstairs. Another acquaintance who became a friend Nancy a mother of four always said she never felt free and happy as she did around me and thanked me many times. The traits I often miss about myself are the youthful and explorative side of me. When trying to think of positive experiences I’ve made it’s like I’ve hit a brick wall or better yet a devoid space.  For some reason others will see it and I’ll accept the praise, but I’m confused the whole time. We talked for some time and he gladly showed me how a tesseract worked on a white board to which I was still confused by the end. All I knew was that one point was always moving. He also sang for us while playing cards later that evening to which I was very impressed that he was so operatic. When he caught wind of Nancy and I’s praise his mood shifted and he quickly left the room as if irritated by our response. I thought that was weird and way brash, but I was accepting. Besides, I still hardly knew the guy. Why turn away praise when you deserve it?

As time unfolded I began to share my experiences with others in the groups to which some of the most deserving affirmed my seemingly tedious trauma. I started to feel better about who I was though that would never change or take away the pain that I dealt with. Adam like me had PTSD, we struggled from similar events, and both of us had far reaching negative internal beliefs cemented in our souls. It was no wonder we connected so quickly as the days went by. We both knew what it was to feel hopeless and without belonging. We both had done things to disable our lives going forward. Hopelessness and longing are best friends with depression. I was only to be at this dom for 30 days and my time to leave was coming up. I had met Adam just 7 days in. We spent a lot time talking about things and trying to reaffirm each other in hopes that we would become better people. Adam as I had later learned had developed romantic feelings for me past my chosen barrier. I would often try to show that I cared deeply about him as a person but that I just didn’t feel that way.

This didn’t constrict our last days of conversation on my end but for him it would turn our conversations into an uncomfortable grey area. I eventually left the facility to return to Montana and found that I had lost much more than I had gained, much more than I have space for here. I grew so much in this sheltered place to realize I didn’t have the capacity to practice my new tools with the real world, but with what I returned to who would? For a time, I lost contact with Adam which led to a horrific end. Adam got out shortly after I left and like me he came home in Seattle to find that he lost everything. His boyfriend was sleeping with another man. He tried to reach out to me, but I didn’t have iMessage turned on, our only form of communication at the time. He had sat on a bridge all through the night and eventually threw himself off, and in his misery wrote one of his last letters to me. Today I live with the realization that I could have helped him if I knew. I occasionally read his last messages. He was a professional writer and had a lot to say. He became the biggest inspiration in my endeavor to writing. I keep looking back hoping to find a new piece to find what he would say now. I just wonder why he felt so alone, yet like him, I don’t. I know exactly what that feels like. Just maybe I do have belonging and perhaps if he had just waited a little longer he would also know that.

As an excerpt I’d like to take time to include a writing that he had made. Given that he mostly wrote children’s books they wouldn’t be as personal but his blog had much more to say. This is an early writing (January 7th, 2011, “It begins with blood”, Adam Posadas)

What is the price of things as they used to be? A single phrase. A single gesture. Even just a single drop of blood. That is all I need to know that magic hasn’t deserted me.

This late at night, desert heat still fills my place. I squat in an unfinished basement unit of a condemned apartment building. The air conditioner pumps in air that is only slightly less hot; it just makes my sweat-soaked shirt heavier. Three days have gone by since the moon was full. Every night as the moon grew I lit the candles and held the image in my mind: I stand tall and confident and I glow with inner radiance. In that vision I am powerful, and I am not afraid. Every morning since I started that visualization I wake with the dread knowledge that it didn’t work, that it’s still gone. It should’ve been better by last night. I should be better right now. Magic as I have always known it can’t be lost to me forever.

Source

https://adamposadas.livejournal.com/ Adam Posadas January 7th 2011 “It begins with blood”