#if it's not clear i am actually using two lists: my top songs 2022 but also my liked songs bc sometimes. i just can't do a song aksdnaksjna

[loisinherlane]

sticks mlegy out real far. konbart 69 😎

konbart / ambrosia by rosie tucker

black tank top, middle of autumn nothing is different just 'cause you wish that it is

Kon had gotten his hair cut recently. Bart knew by how closely cropped his undercut was, enough to reveal the slightly paler skin of his scalp underneath short black hairs. Bart wanted to brush his hand against those hairs and then play with the curls on top. He knew from experience that the curls were styled and not as soft as they could be. Kon was like that.

The black tank top clung to Kon's chest, shoulders bared to the world. The light of the window caught along his skin, casting a strange glow all Kryptonians seemed to have in the yellow sun. The trees outside dripped in maroon and brown leaves, some clinging to the dew-wet windows if the wind caught just right to push them closer.

Bart could have loved him, he thought. In the right circumstances. Kon was very lovable, and if Bart could love anyone, it was Kon.

He wanted to be able to love Kon like he deserved.

[lord-radish]

Top 5 Media Experiences of 2022

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Dar Williams

lord-radish

I'm changing up the formula of the list. The switch to lord-radish is complicated, but it was probably one of the more influential things to happen this year. Also, after writing my previous post, it became clear that I've put a lot of stock into a future with this username. That's a big thing.

It just doesn't match how I like to express myself in these lists - it's important, but it's also padding to get the list to five entries. I don't regret talking about it and it was an important shift to make, but it's just not my speed. But then because of its wider impact, I don't think it should be ranked lower than something like playing two DanganRonpa games this year, even if I'm far more enthusiastic about those games than about the username change.

I don't want to put it at #1 because I don't feel that strongly about it, but it feels uncomfortable to rank it low. So this year's list isn't in order of enjoyment or importance. It's just five important/enjoyable things that happened this year, mostly because I only have five things to talk about after stretching myself really thin and partially to keep everything on a level playing field.

So now that I've written three large paragraphs of house-keeping to explain some arbitrary system I've decided to implement into my incredibly long, personal blog posts about immensely specialised media experiences - how about that Dar Williams, huh? The musician whose songs I would post entire verses from whenever I made a post about her music?

Every year's list has a musical act on it, and this year was no exception. It was a less successful experiment this time around - I stopped using Spotify back in January, and Dar Williams was a bit of a personal one-hit wonder I found on there with her song Iowa. If I don't return to Spotify, this may be the last artist from that period of time that I check out.

Some bands are singles bands to me - I really, really like a brief slice of Coldplay songs for example, the really slow and sappy ones from the mid-00's. I don't care about anything before or after then, Hymn for the Weekend onwards makes me feel like crawling out of my own skin teeth-first (whatever that's supposed to mean). Other bands hook me in with their whole discog - The Mountain Goats, Elton John, Counting Crows etc.

I adore at least three songs from Dar Williams. But by George, I couldn't go the distance with her entire body of work. It's a bummer, but it's true.

I'm not going to talk about why, because there's no specific reason outside of some songs connecting and the rest not connecting. What I am going to do is elaborate on why that small handful of songs meant so much to me this year.

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When I Was a Boy: iconic song about gender politics. There's a real sense of loss to this song, being held to values that you don't agree with based on something as irrelevant as your birth sex. You spend years being a wild, all-loving gremlin with everything in common with the opposite sex, then the clothing you wear is made with other people's enjoyment in mind and being emotional becomes a sign of weakness and otherness.

The narrator is a woman who feels increasingly locked away from the sort of person she actually is - physical, active, curious and louder than life - due to the values forced on her via womanhood. And as much as she's had to submit to this image of womanhood that's robbed her so much of her childhood spark, she realises that her male partner can relate strongly - he'd always speak to his mother, and he'd pick wild flowers until he hit a threshold where he was expected to "be a man". After years of social conditioning, he can barely cry even when he's on his own. The narrator was a boy once upon a time, and her partner was a girl. She was just like him, and he was just like her. And there's a real, tangible sense of loss in that.

The Babysitter's Here: this one is an overwhelmingly glib, twee song that I wouldn't recommend super highly; it's a bit embarrassing to admit to liking. The core instrument is a very small, tinny-sounding xylophone. But on her debut album, this was a highlight.

It's a story from the perspective of a 5 year old and a babysitter she idolizes, and it's very bittersweet in how it depicts the titular character's choice between going to college and staying with her boyfriend. The narrator doesn't understand, she's a five year old kid, but she tries to help. It's sweet.

Iowa: I have a spotty history with country music, as many people do. I grew up listening to Slim Dusty, who I don't like. I also grew up in the heyday of bro country and songs that played up the southern drawl and sang about planting spuds and shittin' in yer britches. All the respect in the world for Slim Dusty as a guy and a performer, but I have a vehement hatred for every country song I heard for 15+ years.

Iowa is a song that sounds and feels like a country song I would hate - moreso in the Slim Dusty camp than Bro Country, with its very twangy and down to earth sound - but cracks through that shell with detailed, emotive lyrics that speak to me very deeply. The chorus sounds like a yodel for fuck's sake, and I buy entirely and wholeheartedly into it because this song sells it.

I could rattle off line after line from this song that cut me to the quick every time, but I'll show restraint in posting one of them: "but I fear that to fall in love with you/would be to fall from a great and gruesome height". On its own, it probably sounds a little flowery and hacky. As an excellent one-liner in a song that hits every evocative lyrical beat like it on the head? It's one of the most relatable things I've ever heard in a song.

February: I have written essay-length posts about this song. It's less than four minutes, and it weaves a direct, detailed narrative about anger and denial and giving up the ghost. I would call this song a masterpiece - Iowa too, because I'm greedy like that, but February first and foremost.

It reminds me of how I treated my former best friend for years because I didn't like him for a long time. I removed access out of anger and not wanting to be there any more, I went into denial about my anger even as our incompatibility gnawed at the back of my mind for ages, there was a breaking point where the denial faltered and the relationship fractured - and the last part of the song hasn't come true yet. That's not a level of applicability I can get out of just anything.

This entry was only going to be about this song to begin with. February was a huge balm for me this year, and I admire its structure and its storytelling.

Calling the Moon: ending on something a little less intensive. This is the most recent Dar Williams song I've heard, and it lives up to the title - it's very chilly and sad and distant. I should make a playlist about like cripplingly lonely songs about the moon, this song would be on it as well as I Wish I Was The Moon by Neko Case.

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Thank you for bearing with the long length of this post. I have to say, Dar Williams didn't end up being a Rachael Yamagata or a Maria Mena for me. But the songs I enjoy of hers are really, REALLY good.

[pbandjesse]

I am feeling better. Not all the way but I am no longer dying. Also there's new MCR??? In 2022???

Today was miles better but I still wasn't great honestly. After I spiked a fever last night I was a mess for a few hours. But around 11 it broke and I felt fine. Weak but better.

All the lights were on and we were on top of the blankets so I woke James up and we fixed up the bed and went to sleep.

I didn't actually sleep for a while. I poked around on my phone for a bit. But would fall asleep eventually.

I woke up at 6 with James. I was very clingy and was feeling better and just wanted James with me. They were tired and wouldn't get up right away. I was grateful for that.

Their tummy hurt a bit but we think it's mostly anxiety. Hopefully. We still aren't making a call about going camping. Apparently Noelle might have been exposed to covid and is getting tested in the morning. And if James throws up we won't go. But I still hope it happens. I miss the ocean.

James left for work and I was feeling good. Still a little weak. I have a little cough. I think from my throat being burned. But I was convinced I was all good. Besides being tired and weak. I let Jessica know I was going to stay home, I knew I wouldn't be able to lead a program. But that was fine. She was expecting that.

I took a bath and washed my hair and shaved my legs and tried to just feel soft and good. It is easier to put my medications on without hair and my skin actually seems to clear easier when I shave. It's a balance though because if I shave to much it's also irritating. But this felt like the right choice today.

I got dressed and felt a little tired but I thought it would be a good idea to go through my camp bag and make sure I was still good with the possible storms we are looking at. I made sure I have an extra sweater and socks. And it was going well until all of a sudden I lost all energy and felt very upset.

I knew I had to eat something. I had had some pudding and raspberries again and that was nice but it wasn't enough. I thought something like egg salad would help me. I used the egg boiler thing we have and cooked two eggs. Which was the only way I was going to be able to be in the kitchen because all the smells were bothering me.

But I made my eggs and had my sandwich and felt better. Not great but like I had some energy.

I played Stardew valley for an hour. Progress continues to be made. It's about to be fall and I want to have my new garden space set up before winter. But after a bit my eyes hurt a lot and I was very tired.

I got in bed and listened to a video for a while. Cuddled with Sweetp. And eventually fell asleep. I don't actually remember sleeping and I guess it wasn't super restful. But when I woke up James was texting me they were on their way home.

James got home and we cuddled for a while. Their belly hurt and so did mine. But it was nice to be there for each other.

They had their podcast. And I did my knitting. I was feeling a little better and went through all our camp stuff and made an inventory list. Which was actually a lot of work! But I think I did an excellent job.

James made us pasta for dinner. And it was hard to eat, I think it was a little to acidic. But it was smart to eat.

I watched tiktoks for a long time. And then MCR dropped a new song and I tried very hard not to have a breakdown over it. The begining I think I need to hear a few times, there's some odd vocal fry I'm not sure ahout. But once it hit the 2:30 mark the whole song after that was so perfect I couldn't have been happier. And for a 6 minute song that is still a great ratio. I have only listened to it once all the way through. I need to spend more time with it tomorrow. But man am I excited.

I got a shower. Felt nice. My skin is looking really good. My legs aren't healing as well but the rest of me is and that feels good. And now I am in bed wearing James's sweatshirt.

Hopefully tomorrow I will be posting from the beach. I don't know how service will be so we will see how it goes. Hopefully the trip happens and no one is to ill for it. Sleep good everyone. Thank you for everyone who reached out. Keep those good vibes coming.