#if it weren't for medic they would all have melanoma

[boimann]

every time people draw the mercs with smooth skin and zero wrinkles an angel looses its wings and plummets to earth in a raging ball of fire

[never-ending-dread]

⛔Trigger warning⛔

⛔depression suicidal thoughts⛔

Two days into this cock sucking heat wave 4 to go until we get a brief period of rest then back up to stupid temperatures.

I wanna tear my skin off and scream I'm so tired and hot. I don't handle the heat well it's a god damn sensory nightmare.

The fucking chemical plant is off gassing again and my neighbours are smoking cigarettes like it's their job it's non smoking fucking building. The land lord won't do anything. I'm so sick my guts are trying to come out my ass. I can't breath my body hurts. I dunno if it's food poisoning or a virus. I want to punch every person in the face who tells me it gets better. no it fucking doesn't not for me.

37 years of every day getting worse. I'm living out all my fears while being chronically ill. Everything I eat either makes me shit my fucking guts out or gives me hives not eating makes me nauseated and dizzy. I have no friends and all I can think about is how much I want to fucking die.

I can't leave my fucking apartment for very long or my shit head neighbours the ones that smoke and do drugs, break in. The landlords friends with them. I went out and got a new router new internet connection security system and sure enough those mother fuckers are back at it again on my network changing passwords i had to let go of my facebook account. I can't have anything to myself. I can't fucking breathe buddy next door turns his fucking ozone machine on and its like I'm holding my breath.

My step father has stage 4 prostate cancer my uncle has stage 4 lung cancer both have metasitized to their bones. My sister moved in with my mother she has neurodivergent twins and my mom is helping her raise them. My grandfather is a narcissist who harassed my mother to point of her wanting to scream. My dad is struggling with his own health problems. Occasionally my parents or my uncle will help me with groceries or take me to appointments but I can't talk to them. I try so hard not to ask for help but I'm on disability I don't drive and I have the shits so often it's fucking impossible to get on a bus.

I tried talking to my dad and I think I made him cry I don't know if I triggered his stuff or if he was upset on my behalf. I couldn't stop fucking talking. I should have stopped. I kept it relatively light compared to my thoughts but my thoughts are very very dark. My dads brother ended his own life years ago and my dad has struggled with depression most of his life. I just keep alienating people I don't know how to shut the fuck up.

I'm so angry at life and I want to die so badly it's all I can think about. I'm so tired of being in physical pain not being able to breathe shitting out my guts being covered in hives or itchy skin I'm so fucking tired I'm so over stimulated. I just feel white hot rage all the time. I'm too scared to actually do anything so I just feel fucking trapped.

I've been praying every day for cancer I tried to make a deal with God to switch my step dad and uncles cancer to me. I am pretty sure I have a small patch of melanoma on my face its brown and grew quickly. Plus a basel cell carcinoma on my stomach those are a bust they take like 20 years to do anything. Skin cancer is really big in my family. My grandmother had malignant melanoma and had it been untreated she would have died. so I'm not saying anything to anyone about it. I'm hoping it's malignant and spreads so I can apply for medical assistance in dying. I just want to be fucking done with this bullshit.

I have never in my life had a place I felt safe a place free of cigarette smoke a place where my lungs weren't fucking burning a place where I could decompress. Im constantly worried my neighbours will break in so I feel like I can't fucking leave. I'm in survival mode but actively praying for it to shut down. I had really severe heart palpitations and decided I wasn't going to call 911 if it got worse. I'm dying in this chemical smoke filled fucking hot box garbage apartment. I hope I fucking ruin the carpets when I die too. I hate this place but it's all I have I can't afford to leave. No one will notice I'm gone for fucking days because rarely anybody calls unless I call first.