#if it feels incomplete it's bcs all my strengths left my body as i was drawing it n had to invent the whole new modern AU

[caemidraws]

Oath/breaking

[idontreadheartbeats]

Day 7: Rec List Saturday

AMVs:

“Faded” by gracieon.

I just love the giffed cuts above, and the song + dialogue clips give me so many feels.

“Sorry” by Fandom.com

I’ve been listening to this one a lot while writing my longfic Lightning Sun. The song by Halsey dives into the psychology of someone who fundamentally believes they don’t deserve love and/or doesn’t understand or believe how other people could love them. I think with all her abandonment issues, Katara would probably vibe with this.

“Easier” by TeamHodgins

Another one for the longfic feels. At the beginning of Lightning Sun, Zuko is in prolonged recovery from Azula’s strike, thus the lyrics, “I’m stuck, I’m stuck, I’m stuck here in my skin.”

The story is told mostly through the pov of Katara, who’s on a journey of self-discovery to understand her own issues with abandonment and what they mean for her feelings towards Zuko; hence, “Tell me it gets easier, tell me it gets easier, tell me it gets easier, that I’ll figure it out.”

“I’d let you win” by quinn darley

Pretty self-explanatory for Zuko. “I’d let you in. I’d let you win my heart again.”

“killing me to love you” by exhalence

Not listening to it much recently. Real longfic vibes, especially with these lyrics:

I want to keep faith, but you're making it harder (but it’s killing me to love you)

I’m reaching out now, but you’re pulling me under (but it’s killing me to love you)

I give you my heart just to watch you waste it (but it’s killing me to love you)

And I can’t let go when you still need saving (but it’s killing me to love you)

In case you couldn’t tell, Lightning Sun is gonna be a slow-burn angst fic with a bittersweet ending. Sorry not sorry 😬👀

“you’re my home” by [17’s] kelly

Like previous entry, not listening to it as much recently but still lovely ❤️

“into you” by mavensinclair

Recent discovery. Makes me soft 🥺

Fanfics:

Before moving onto the fic recs, I just wanna make a quick note about my preferences. Most of the following will be rated M or above. I’ve been an honest-to-God adult for a few years now, so I like fics that deal with more mature themes and adult problems.

I’m also a slut for angst. You will find very little fluff ahead (though some of these have their moments). Proceed accordingly. And not to be a hipster about Zutara fic, but there are definitely some out there that don’t get enough love, namely my top three (listed in order).

What makes a fic really stand out for me? It’s pretty simple actually. It has to be something that’s a little different, a little off-the-wall, with vivid worldbuilding. But MOST importantly, it has to make me deeply feel something. If a scene sticks in my head even months afterwards due to a combination of vivid sensory detail and visceral emotional reactions, that fic will be on this list.

Two Worlds Collide by mangx3

My co-captain @antarcticasx​ and I welcome you aboard the TWC Supremacy. Fear not; though the voyage may at first prove daunting and ill-fated, rest assured that you’re in for an emotionally satisfying journey that promises to rip your heart out in all the best ways.

No, but seriously, this fic is so much better than it has any right to be. I will admit, the frame structure of the tale is not to my taste, and some plot points in the first act may seem contrived. But my god, do you go on a journey with this fic. Bc it was written over the course of four years, you actually get to witness mangx3 improve as a writer. By the end, the storytelling is 💋👌🏻 And if that’s not enough for you, at one point, Zuko refers to Katara—in her absence, mind—as both “my heart” and “my life.” I just... I die 💀

Each Other by jennibare

Aang is dead + the aftermath fic. The story is well balanced between both Zutara and the steambabies.

Love Thy Enemy by RedNovember

Kind of a soulmate au. Worldbuilding is top-notch. And the climax in the third act? My god, the imagery, the emotion, just... 😭

Rumour Has It by @fictionissocialinquiry

BluePaint bible. Constantly torn between wanting to read more Blue Spirit/Painted Lady fic and knowing that none will ever compare. (I say this as someone with a BluePaint outline in the works.) This is also like my go-to re-read, though I usually stop around chapter 73 bc of that scene *fans self* and also I can’t put myself through the partial heartbreak of the ending again. Waiting to start the sequel once it’s complete.

Strength by tini243

Fair warning: this fic is incomplete and abandoned. HOWEVER, it follows the story through most of the second act, so I still left feeling satisfied. It’s a soulmate au that ends with casually married Zutara revealing their relationship to the gaang, and there’s just something so delicious about that drama.

Hopeless by @zutaradreams

The structure of this story is so unique in the way it’s sandwiched between a prologue and epilogue told from a side character pov. Plus, it’s told out of order which makes it fun to put the pieces together. Zutara build a life in Ba Sing Se when all hell breaks loose. Also, steambaby! Another go-to re-read.

Gods & Monsters by wannabewonderbender (wannabend)

If you want BAMF Katara, this is the BAMF Katara fic. Ending is a little abrupt, but I enjoyed it all the same.

The Things We Hide by Lykegenia

The worldbuilding in this au is amazing. More BAMF Katara. And no spoilers, but the ending is exactly what I would want for Ursa.

The Fifth Column by chromeknickers

Be warned: this one is dark, with incredibly dubious consent. The final showdown kinda drags on a bit, but the worldbuilding is great. Ending sets up a sequel that’s never been started, so if that bothers you, probably avoid.

WIPs:

Our Desires series by @laadychat

With each update, Sab never fails to make me feel like I’mma spontaneously combustionbend. Absolutely adore ❤️

Smoke & Mirrors by @nellasera

Blutara that leads to capture!fic trope; or, everything I’m a slut for. Dying for the next update 😭😭😭

Those Who Do Not Learn... Are Doomed to Repeat by @homeagainrose

Time-travel established relationship/married Zutara in teenage bodies. Honestly, what more could you possibly want? Also dying for update.

[brehacrgana]

just watched TROS and i have NO WORDS... (except i also have many). what was that

at about half of the movie one guy stood up, put on his jacket and left...I don’t think he was wrong

spoilers below (the bad and the good - however little that might be). please come to talk if you’ve seen the movie

first of all...WHAT THE FUCK. what the fuck...i sat through the movie and i had to laugh at times because whatever was happening was so absurd shit i couldn’t even imagine. at other times i just sat with my mouth open and could not believe they really went there...it was that bad. how in the world is this the end of star wars

the way the movie started... in the title sequence...”THE DEAD SPEAK” lol. palpantine’s return or whatever shit announced immediatly (which i didn’t expect would happen); then the first scene of kylo ren in slo-mo killing some random people (literally who was that) in some woods and then finding palpantine’s cave or something where palps told him “hurr hurr i created snoke...i was every voice in your head...kill the girl” - sir how are you even alive. i literally don’t remember if this was explained in the movie and i don’t think so

rey - jesus christ. girl. i don’t know what they did to her character. but anyway. in the beginning of the movie leia did some jedi training with rey and i loved that...especially when rey adressed leia with “master”! but in the start of that scene rey was flying in the air while doing some meditation and that was absurd imo / i laughed lol. then kylo ren showed up because of that force bond shit and rey messed up her training which sucked

nice scene: finn and poe returning from some mission and meeting/reuniting with rey on the rebellion’s home base - rey and poe bickered a bit, rey and finn hugged...i liked that

rey finn and poe and chewie went to a desert planet where some party was going on. nice scene: rey talked to an alien being there and it was a cute, nice interaction that would have been heartwarming

lando shows up, points them to some cave, where a big snake or something was which had an injury lol...rey gave it some life power through the force  and healed it. LOL: foreshadowing...

kylo ren and the knights of ren (lol who are they even) show up on that planet. while the others try to make a ship ready to leave, rey (why...) goes and stands in the middle of the desert waiting for kyle ron to show up or whatever. he does of course and races at her with his ship, she does that jump from the trailer and cuts his ship in half. it crashes and explodes. no, kylo somehow doesn’t die from that. meanwhile poe and finn told chewie to get rey bc they have to leave (knights of ren approaching), but while rey is busy doing whatever the fuck that was, chewie gets captured by some stormtroopers and is led on their transport ship. it takes off. finn screams to rey “they have chewie” and rey uses the force to try and drag that ship back to the ground...kylo emerges and also uses the force on that ship, and they have a force battle until rey does palpantine style force lightning on that ship. it completely explodes. everyone thinks chewie is dead. i was really horrified, not gonna lie, like rey...

but lol. SOMEHOW chewie was on another transport ship (lol???? where was that) and is alive after all. they go to rescue him. while they fly to the stardestroyer where chewie is being kept prisoner, rey says that “yada yada people say they know me but nobody does” to finn and it is awful... arrived on the star destroyer, finn and poe want to free chewie, while rey fucks off to do her own thing and go to kylo’s quarters. force bond kylo appears, they fight blabla, he tells her...

“oh you wanted to take my hand, i kNoW YoU you’re a palpatine, he was your grandfather” ................................................ i read the spoilers so i knew this was gonna come, but seriously???? what a crack fucking theory. REY PALPANTINE!  I QUIT!!!

flashback to rey’s parents who look like nice people who tried to protect her by leaving her on jakku. palps killed them after they didn’t tell him where rey was

meanwhile finn poe and chewie are captured, stormtrooppers are going to execute them. then hux steps in hilariously, kills the stormtroopers, and is like “i’m the spy for the rebellion.” i laughed

who is zorii...or whatever her name was.

the trio gang goes to that planet where the remains of the death star are...they meet a group of horse riders, one of them jannah. i loved her! i really did. she was one of the bright spots for me in that shitshow. her and finn talk, she also used to be a stormtrooper and has the same story as finn

also Finn was shown very clearly to be force sensitive! loved that

rey does another solo trip and goes to the remains of the death star...where she meets dark!rey which was hilarious and absurd. they fight and at one point dark!rey hissed and bared her teeth at rey - i actually scream laughed

well then kylo ron came to that planet, the water fight scene happened, and actually rey fucking killed him!!! he died! cut to leia. she says “ben” and then somehow just actually dies too. seriously. just like that. FROM WHAT???

anyway rey feels that leia has died and lol idk she’s like oh know and resurrects kylo with the force. yeah. lol. she’s then like “yeah i did want to take your hand...ben’s hand” and cries and leaves

really...who is ben. why do you care. what

on the rebellion base people are gathered around leia’s dead body and i don’t remember her name, but lupita nyongos character say “farewell, dear princess” and that almost made me cry

back to kylo. he’s looking at the ocean in contemplation. suddenly a voice behind him says “hey, kid”. he turns around and it’s han fucking solo. LOL

they basically play out the same scene as in tfa just before kylo killed han except this time he doesn’t. han says kylo ron died and kylo yeets his lightsaber into the water.

ok, another hilarious absurd scene: rey goes to luke’s exile planet and sets kylo’s ship (which she took to fly there) on fire. she’s throwing the lightsaber in the flames but oh! a hand yeets out of the flames! it’s force ghost luke who caught the saber and is like oh you should be more careful with a jedi’s weapon.

luke then shows her LEIA’S LIGHTSABER and there’s a flashback scene of LEIA AND LUKE DOING JEDI TRAINING !!!! a good part of the movie

rey takes both lightsabers and flies to palpantine’s planet. she meets him in his cave. palps does he’s usual unimaginable power shit...”i want you to kill me...then my soul will go over to you and all the siths that have ever been will live in you”. whatever

“ben” also shows up of course, he kills the kights of ren with the lightsaber that was magically teleported to him by rey i guess

rey and “ben” face palps together. he is like oh your bond is so strong, let me take all your energy...very reminiscent of dementor’s in harry potter movies sucking out their souls lol. they drop to the ground, unconscious. palps lifts “ben” up and yeets him into a big abyss.

there was a nice scene in between of poe grieving for leia and saying he doesn’t know what to do/how they can make it, but then lando shows up and they talk about how lando and the old trio back in the day didn’t know how to make it either, but they still tried etc. and made it

ok another nice scene: while palps is doing super force lightning to destroy the rebel fleet or whatever, rey is on the ground gatherig strength and she hears the voices of old jedi masters...obi wan! anakin i’m pretty sure also!

then there’s a nice shot of her standing up and facing the emperor with lightsaber in hand.

she kills him, but dies doing it.

but wait lol...”ben” somehow crawls back out of that abyss to cry over her dead body. he also revives her with force power. they look at each other sappily and kiss.......no words. they fucking really went there

actually when that happened the people in the cinema made a lot of sounds, some said ew lmao others just laughed

then “ben” dies for good lol. people scream laughed

in the end there was a nice rebellion victory celebration scene, i always like scenes like that

rey goes to tattoine and buries the lightsabers of luke and leia who show up via force ghost. somehow rey then has a yellow lightsaber in her hand. some old woman comes along and asks who are you? rey says...i’m rey.....skywalker and then watches the sunset. the end.

in spoilers i read it was said that rey says she feels incomplete without kylo and goes to live on tattoine alone for the rest of her life. maybe i blacked out and didn’t get that, but i did not see it. it did not happen, right?

when the movie ended some people in the cinema actually started clapping.

lol. i don’t know what that was...yeah it had some good moments, but it really was the worts star wars movie of all times for me. it was wild and absurd and stupid as fuck and i am so, so disappointed. TFA i loved, there was so much potential there...but then tlj happened and somehow tros eneded up even worse than that. i don’t know what the worst part for me was, rey palpantine, leia’s death in that manner, reylo... it was a mess. it actually makes me really sad. bye felicia

[fit-as-fxck]

Wednesday’s workout

Push:

a1 bench press 4x6

a2 glute ham raise 4x4-6

b1 weighted decline sit up 3x8

b2 skullcrusher 3x12

c1 Bulgarian split squat 3x8/8

c2 barbell push press 3x8

d: ending with shoulder accessory work. hitting the front, mid and rear delt specifically & tricep & DB bench press. if i can i’d also like to end with some push-squat movements like the leg press, goblet squat or front squat. but not so taxing i cant do my posterior chain work tomorrow. 

Yesterday’s workout D E M O L I S H E D my back. I took some creative liberty and improvised some to accommodate the other bodies in the gym and available equipment. I knew I really wanted to hit the back to begin with, so I worked every which way to hit every single muscle I could think of. It took me over an hour. I normally try to keep my workouts 45-50 minutes. I was the only woman on the lifting floor. I knew there aren't too many women who lift at my gym. Maybe only a handful. There is one older woman in particular I see from time to time and she’s really fit. She must be in her 40s-50s or older... but I have a hard time estimating her age because she’s so fit. Yesterday I was in a sea of sausage. There were like four or five younger guys probably 18-21s. And one huge guy that came in and powerlifted some massive weight and left. It felt good to feel like I was working harder than most of those dudes there. I keep track of my time, heart rate and resting periods on my watch and I definitely saw those guys enter and exit and I was still working. I thought I'd be dead by the time I was done but I finished with just 10 minutes of sprints. I was wondering if something was wrong because the man next to me lightly jogging looked over 3 times at me. Maybe it was because I was breathing really hard and running  a full on sprint so hard the treadmill was probably shaking. I added on a pallof press too and it felt really awesome on my core. 

I did some research on the posterior chain. It’s not actually an anatomical system. What it is, is a term coined to describe 2 muscle systems that run along the backside of the body from your head to your ankles. Two different systems that are used for the same function, but trained in completely different ways. 

The first one being the Superficial Back Line which includes the muscles from the traps, mid back line and hamstrings and calves- all the muscles used to keep you upright. (main lift being the deadlift) (consists mostly of the erector spinae and the hamstrings)  (aka what allows you to lift your head & support the spine) (postural muscles, very aerobic, slow, steady, static movements). If you only focus on movements for the Superficial Back Line, you’ll completely miss the second part of it.

The second one being the Posterior Oblique Sling which is a band of muscles that includes the entire lats, the sheet of muscles along the back that help draw the arm back, the glutes, and the outter thigh. These are worked using rotational exercises and used to keep you more mobile. It’s more of an active function, rather than static- helping us walk and run and combining work from the glutes and lats at the same time (think: running motion- lat pulling an arm back while glute is moving the leg forward) ***ITS BALANCE BITCH**

This reminds me so much of why I would combine an exercise like a seated row (mid back line) with a wide lat pull down (posterior oblique sling- it literally shapes around your back and sides like a sling, forming the lats, muscles that stretch around the to form the glutes and outter hamstring/thigh- it reminds me of forming the coveted X pattern people look for)

I think I'll change up some things about my December training program. I’d like to add in a Sumo Deadlift simply because I can use it to hit those muscle planes I was talking about, a little better. I might add in a bent over dumbbell row, as well. I feel my current programming right now may be leaving some vital parts out of the equation. For example, I'm not doing a lot to hit the Posterior Oblique Sling above the waist. The only things I have in my programming are inverted rows and pull ups. AND I'm doing a ton to hit it below the waist. Lots of work with hip thrusts, pause squats etc. I want to make especially sure I'm not neglecting and creating imbalances as I go. I’d also like to hit rear delts a little more effectively. For the Superficial Back Line, I'm hitting hamstrings well but not doing much for the mid back supported muscles. I do back extensions a couple times a week for it, but I'd like to add something else on for it. My superficial back line doesn't need as much adjustment as the posterior oblique sling. Yesterday I corrected a lotttt of this. 

I still plan on getting my workouts in like normal even on holidays like thanksgiving. Thanksgiving day workout is “Posterior Chain” focused, as they say. But really just focused on the glutes, latissimus dorsi, and hammies (bc the sumo squat pulls strength from more of the hams, glutes, inner thigh etc), and spinal erectors of the low back and coreeeeee 

a1. reverse front lunge 4x6/6 (all heavy sets @ RPE 8)

a2. explosive pull thru 6x2

b1. chest supported rows 5x8

c1. barbell hip thrust 4x5

c2. adding a sumo deadlift here 4x5

core: plank & hold complex

core: hanging knee/leg raises to failure

It’s really crazy how much information is out there and how much is incomplete or misinterpreted. But, I love adjusting my own work programming as I go. 

[muneerahwrites]

The Rain in Spain

[I was trying to be clever but there was no actual rain - rain meaning my tears LEL. I want to share contents of the lessons too inshaAllah but this will come slowly and surely. Bc there was really A LOT. This post is dedicated to my unsorted-out feelings – an attempt to rationalize and understand why I felt what I felt and to attempt to move forward with clarity of heart.]

Came back to SG from Granada to find myself plunged into deadlines and unfinished work. Grappling with jet lag, acne, a worn out yet, invigorated soul, and an unsettled mind, I dragged my body to work for the past 4 days trying to refocus and get myself into my comfortable SG work routine.

I haven’t had the time to reflect properly on my Ramadan and then, the 2 weeks Critical Muslim Studies – on what I’ve learnt and about myself. Why was I crying so much everyday? I mean, I cry occasionally but Spain was something else. I felt like I was ALWAYS crying lol. I couldn’t speak without tears bubbling beneath the surface. The garden behind the school became a regular witness to my tears (and on one occasion, the whole class but I’d rather bury that in the depths of my mind.)

I did not fully understand it at that time, but I concluded in Spain that it was probably for four reasons:

1.       PMS is real.

2.        I came to learn about decolonial theory and largely expected “head-work” about Critical Muslim Studies. Instead, there were discussions about dealing with the metaphysical catastrophe of coloniality, the counter to that being weeping and praying (Fanon), embracing other ways of being (the soul as a way of decolonising) and that I’ve been approaching the Qur’an or my faith (something I hold so dear to and I thought was the anchors of my always changing life) incompletely, maybe even self-indulgently. I realized that I usually leave my soul out the door when I enter “secular” spaces. Of course, I hold on to prayer and du’a but the reminder that the soul is there with your mind and body as a way of understanding and communicating was such as shock to my system. As I realise this, my body was so still but I felt so moved. Therefore, the tears.

 3.       I felt inadequate. What was I doing in this space? Neither activist, content producer nor scholar, I entered the space positioned as a student, only to be overwhelmed by everyone else. I felt that I was not fit to talk about decolonisation or liberation theologies. What limited struggles have I gone through as compared to everyone else in the space? I shut my mouth, I listen, I took in everyone’s pain. I felt so much guilt that I did not have my own pain (or I thought I didn’t). What have I done in my life? I have nothing to share that is important in this space. Bc of these negative thoughts, I brought up all my weaknesses as excuses not to engage. I am not critical enough, not eloquent enough, my heart beats too fast when speaking in front of many people. Anyway, everyone needed to speak so I shouldn’t, whether inside or outside class. I concluded that I shouldn’t be here. I felt even more guilty because it’s Allah’s will and plan that I was in Granada and I felt that His plan was wrong. I retreated. Therefore, the tears.

 4.       Another level of inadequacy was from the fact that I was from Singapore. I have nothing to contribute coming from Singapore. Who cares about Singapore anyway? Was I even Singaporean, being away from Singapore for 5 years of early adulthood. What does being Singaporean even mean?? *Existential crisis* Other experiences seemed more valid, more pressing, more outwardly violent. The need for social justice in other parts of the world was more pressing because people are constantly dehumanised and stripped of dignity. What is Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo to Singapore’s ISA and prisons? What is racism and white supremacy in the US and UK/Europe compared to racial politics in Singapore? Was my experience not important? Or was it relegated as unimportant? Did I do this myself or was this another power dynamic that is playing out? I was confused but also, I am not a personality who insists that my voice be heard. (WHY MOO? I need to examine this more?) I was frustrated. Therefore, the tears.

As the classes come to an end plus the long trip back home, I realised that I was crying because of all those reasons and then some. I was mainly crying because I was so uncomfortable. I realised through the classes, my reflections, my interactions with the other participants and with my interaction with Granada as a place, that I am still colonised. It’s not just a theory I use in my research or studies. My self, my being and thoughts are so unchecked and it’s suddenly being called out in Granada. The process of decolonisation of the self, that the summer school was pushing me to do, was/is an extremely uncomfortable one. Therefore, the tears.

Colonial domination is often understood as a historical process that has ended with independence of nation states. It is easy to recognise that there are legacies in our political, education, economic systems but I don’t think I understood the far-reaching creeping fingers of coloniality – it is in the domination of mind, body and spirit. But coloniality didn’t end in 1963, when the British left. It is not just concerns of “unfortunate Third Worlders” and diasporic communities in distant lands, battling corruption and poverty because they lacked the vision and the statecraft of a Lee Kuan Yew. The logics, practices and legacies of colonialism disrupted our local/faith/indigenous epistemologies (ways of seeing, being and understanding), our social orders and norms and forms of knowledge.

Singapore was colonised but emerged as “crown colony”. Someone from Guardian even wrote a whole article about how we “benefited” from colonialism LOL: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jan/04/colonialism-work-singapore-postcolonial-british-empire We’re so good at being a “modern nation-state” with our policies based on race and hierarchies created by meritocracy – but always framed as having the promise or intention of equality. We (or rather, I will say I myself, Idk about other people) just internalised coloniality (the colonial mindset) so much that we became model global citizens. White masks, yellow, brown, black skins. Wanting to be “modern”, to imitate. But as someone who has multiple levels of otherness (global south, woman, muslim, brown, introverted etc), when I imitate, I never feel enough or belonging to anywhere.

Discussions came up about how we should not to compare issues, but to be relative. And that’s when I realised: The logic of coloniality remains the same – whether we are talking about clear individual acts of Islamophobia in the UK or the state control of our asatizah in Singapore. No matter how it is being framed.

So returning back to discomfort in decolonising the self. The solution was not to retreat to the soul or to some pristine, native state of being. I was called to recognise the narrowness of my “broadened” mind: whose standards are you trying to meet? Whose questions are you answering? What are your own questions? What are the standards and values decreed by Allah? Why did I think or feel my personality, skills and socialisation not enough? Why do I think that I could not offer anything when everyone else could (especially those from the West?) How was I reproducing coloniality even in the way I was thinking about myself in relation to others? I was called to take my sensing and knowing beyond dominant ideas of what was natural, true and good.

Also, I don’t think my highly introverted self was ready for how short of a time, intensely close and intimate spaces (physical, mind and heart) I would share with so many diverse women (mostly Muslim WOC from everywhere). Everyone was so loving, embracing, warm, spiritual but at the same time, brave, strong, eloquent, unafraid of their thoughts and femininity, critical and aware of power and power dynamics and so quick to call out BS and violence when they saw it. They are honestly so aspirational and I have so many conversations/advice embedded so deeply in my mind (or heart? Allahu ‘alam). So honoured and grateful to have met every single one. Farid Esack (an absolute legend) advised us: “our interactions with other people are sacred. No matter how you differ, do not pee [desacrilise] on this sacred space.” Jasmin Zine (or was it Amina Teslima?) also read this hadith at the start of class which explains why some souls feel inexplicably drawn to other souls:  The Prophet (pbuh) said: "The souls are (like) an army joined (in the world of spirits) whichever souls knew each other (in that world) are attracted towards each other (in this world) and whichever remained distant and indifferent (there) are disinterested to each other (in this world)" (Saheeh al-Bukhaari)

It was truly a blessed group to be around. I regularly got advice and reminders that were so on point and poignant, I wish I had just took out a notebook to write all of it down. One of the ladies shared Audre Lorde’s concept of self-love as a radical act. I found the quote: “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” A few other girls too had a discussion over salty seafood paella haha that self-love requires us to accept our flaws and understand that as Muslim women, Allah is there to forgive us and complete us for anything lacking. Our flaws aren’t meant to be overcome or pushed away, its meant to remind us of our humanity, how everyone is flawed. We can use what we think as “flaws” as strengths. When our life isn’t in alignment or we aren’t what we expect ourselves to be, we shouldn’t blame ourselves. Rather, it is an opportunity to grow and learn, make a change. Listen to yourself, how do you feel. How is your body responding? How is your heart? I need to learn how to cherish my authenticity and forgive the times I forgot my strengths and my power. Rather than treat myself as a blank sheet that can constantly be recreated everyday to be my ‘best self’, I must realise that I have a history, experiences, pains and triumphs that make me complex and valuable, if not to society, then, to God. “Make your voice the clearest and centred in this creative space”, another wise lady told me during the trip.

[Ok I will conclude for now]: Being in St Andrews as someone from “the rest” (from Southeast Asia, Muslim and woman) in a distinctly white space, I never felt fully “integrated”. In a way, I am grateful I didn’t. My sanctuary and solace was being with women of colour after uni and during Fridays. SOAS was interesting for me to dip my feet and see what using post-colonial and decolonial theory looks like in academia. But I think, if I am deciphering my thoughts and feelings correctly, Granada was a proper introduction for me into what a decolonial/liberation/social justice space looked like, it is not only a space for pain to be shared but also one of empowering resistance, love for each other and self-love. It also taught me that decolonising the self as well as histories, faith traditions, etc is going to be a long and uncomfortable process, with a lot of learning, praxis as well as reflection.

what about this theory.

the fear of not being enough,

and the fear of being ‘too much’

are exactly the same fear. 

the fear of being you. (@nayyirahwaheed)

[thegodsaregay]

Great & detailed review!!

personally I dont like her writing style at all. It's extremely preachy, and repetitive. I see that she wants me to feel empowered, and I really did in beginning. I think it's great, because it sets the mood she wants to portray here, since her own journey is all about finding her inner strength as a witch.

But the tone doesn't shift at all, it is the same energy throughout the book and at some point the empowering language just ..falls flat. To me, it feels more like language appropriate for a blog post of short or medium length, not a whole book. Stylistically speaking, she follows the same pattern over and over again, which i find boring if not aggravating.

Besides that, I've read some of the discourse about her being a TERF here. Honestly I think that if you're a cis woman, it's easy to forget that women who are not cis might read this book and feel rejected and offended when reading it. She basically implies that her brand of magic is for women, and being a woman means you have an uterus etc. She puts a lot of words into creating this feeling of a powerful sisterhood, and how great it is that we all stick together as witches, that we support each other as women, but then goes out of her way to create the feeling that you can only belong to this sisterhood if you have the right body parts for it.

Sure that works great for women where that's actually the case, but I also think it wouldn't have been too much effort to write a few sentences in there to include ALL women, or at least put a disclaimer in where she states that she's specifically talking about the cis experience because she can not speak for trans women that way bc she has no experience with it or something similar. Something to address the issue, to at least show that she is aware of it and has done some critical thinking on the topic.

Personally , although I am a cis woman, I was left with a feeling of .. dissatisfaction because of it. The logic felt incomplete. But honestly, just from reading this, I get the feeling that she does not actively and aggressively disrespect trans women, but seems more dismissive towards their experience and existence. To some that might be the same, for some it might make a difference. To me, it's both transphobic, and i don't want to read it.

It's a shame, because the thought of seeing my body as magic appeals to me, and I liked the feeling of connection to my body i got from reading her book. The problem is just that while I got this connection, someone else might have gotten the exact opposite.

Overall it was interesting to learn about the different experiences she had with witchcraft in her life, especially because she is a hereditary witch and did some fantastic things on her journey.

Sometimes I was ... irritated because she just drops information about history, like what really happened vs what the men say happened etc. While that is certainly fascinating, she doesn't elaborate on that at all, gives no sources or anything and just expects the reader to take it at face value. Seems unprofessional and sketchy to me, i always value transparency in what research someone did for their book.

There ARE some very informative things in there though. About how different kinds of witchcraft work, spells,the wheel of the year etc. Im going to use some of that, since it's pretty basic information that can be useful. 🤷🏼‍♀️

But yeah I agree with OP that if you read it critically, you can get some valuable information out of this book. Lister IS an interesting witch with a fascinating journey, and it's a good thing to be aware of what kind of witches are out there. I wouldn't tell you to spend money on it though.

Book Review: Witch

Title: Witch: Unleashed. Untamed. Unapologetic.

Author: Lisa Lister

Review:

So, where do I begin? I read Witch quite a while ago, over a year I think, and I’ve been meaning to write a review of it ever since because, believe me, I have some thoughts. But this book is a complicated one to review, so I’ve been putting it off. However, since this book, despite being two years old, is now suddenly a hot button topic, I think it’s about time I weigh in.

I guess, I should first start by saying I don’t see this book as a reference book for witchcraft. In my opinion, Witch is much more of a memoir of Lister’s relationship with her craft that includes background information, crafts, and recipes. I think that’s an important distinction, especially with the controversy surrounding the book right now. Why? Well, she spends the first 150 or so pages self-promoting and telling her personal story as a hereditary witch of Romani heritage (some people take issue with her using the G-word throughout, but that’s her heritage not mine). The rest continues her story with definitions, recipes, and kind of journey through the Wheel of the Year scattered throughout. She is telling her story as a woman claiming her self-confidence and personal power in the context of being a witch. A lot of people are reading this as directly exclusive, but I personally didn’t read the book that way.

Don’t get me wrong. The introduction was a flag. I think what Lisa Lister wanted to do was a write a book to a specific audience that would feel a physical and emotional connection to her specific experience, but she messed up along the way by approaching it with an attitude that is inflammatory more often than it is explanatory. There’s a difference between writing a book featuring the female body (very, very heavily featuring sheesh) and acknowledging that the topic can also more broadly approach and include other bodies versus saying my book is about the FEMALE body, sorry not sorry!!! which is kind of what she does just not in those words. She discusses her experience with witchcraft as a woman (specifically a cis woman) and that includes a lot about her relationship with her female biology. She doesn’t actively exclude anyone from witchcraft as a practice, (despite the rude introduction) and she doesn’t define witchcraft as for women only as far as I can tell.

That being said, I will say she is likely feminist to a fault, and again, the first 150 pages or so of the book are self-indulgent and very heavily promote her other books, so they could likely be skipped. When I bought the book and read it, I was initially wary based on the introduction, but it needs to be taken in context with the goal of the book. She’s trying to share the empowerment she has gained through witchcraft and how that connects to the biology of her body. She acknowledges that’s she writing her book for a specific audience, and if you don’t like body-centric uses of witchcraft, then this might not be a book to read (there are lots of books, posts, etc. about body-centric witchcraft by witches of all genders, not to mention books about queer magic). I just don’t think she does it well.

Would I recommend reading this book? Yes! I would.

Now, if you’re thinking “Oh my gosh, Veronica, why?” Well, I think you should read it for several reasons. First of all, a book this divisive can only be discussed well by people that have read it, so if you want to contribute to the debate about this book, read it to be an informed commenter. Second, it’s a valuable lesson in learning to read critically. I’m an asexual person, and the near excessive, often vulgar, feminist to a fault, usage of the female body as a power symbol in this book is overwhelming. (And I’m sure that’s the intention.) But I read this book because I know how to read critically, I can read past the devices where Lister overdoes it to try to actually get at the heart of the thing. Third? If nothing else, this book oozes confidence. I think most people would be hard-pressed to read this without wanting to scream, dance, or just do something bold to empower themselves. I could probably compare this to the Yerbamala Collective’s and Becoming Dangerous, but I don’t want to turn this book review into its own novel. (You can read that review here, though.)

So, yes, read it. Do I recommend it because I whole-heartedly love and adore this book? No. Not at all. I’d probably give it 2.5/5 stars if I had to because the “reference” information is pretty basic. Every time I’ve ever told someone to read this book, it came with the disclaimer that it needs to be read critically. I do the same thing with Scott Cunningham and many other authors that can offer us valuable insight into this amorphous world of witchcraft without us having to be their number one fans.

This is getting really long, and I’m not sure I’ve covered it all because there is so much that could be dissected here. But hopefully this provides some more insight into this book. If anyone wants to discuss further, I’m happy to share more of my thoughts.

[bleusarcelle]

Two Birds With One Stone

Me writing angst as I hear Hamilton upbeat song: THOMAS JEFFERSON IS COMING HOME. LA LA LA. 

Not kidding. Anyways; I saw an Opera today and I was messing around with Kax about those stories of drama and stuff and then I was like.....cough Romeo and Juliet. 

And bc I’m lazy and already have like eight incomplete stories, I was like ‘Imma gonna write the dying part and that’s it.’ 

It’s short tho, and dramatic and angsty so uh yeah, have it, enjoy or burn it. *Throws drabble to your face* I tried my best. 

Also, I know, I know, you may think: “Rea, Romeo didn’t die like that wtf? He drink bla bla bla and Juliet did this and bla” Shh, shh *Pats your head* Just take this dumb drabble and enjoy the angst. 

Disclaimer: Voltron doesn’t belong to me. 

The squeaking sound of the door opening is the only thing that makes a sound around the silent room.  

"Lance? Lance, love, wake up we gotta go. Hunk and Pidge are waiting for us in the border." Keith says softly, peeking from the closed curtains and smiling when he sees that no one is on the streets to witness their escape.

"Lance?" Keith calls for the third time when his lover doesn’t answers him. Frowning in confusion, he steps closer to the side of the bed and gently shakes the unresponsive teen by the shoulder.  

"Come on silly, it's time to –"

He’s half done with his sentence when he notices it.

No breathing.

"L-Lance?" Keith stutters, his hand moving to his lover’s neck.

No heartbeat.

"M-My l-love?"

Nothing.

"No, no, no, no, no." Keith chants horrified, "Please, no. This....This is not....L-Lance my love, please."

It was wrong. This was wrong. They had a plan. They have been planning it for weeks now, they knew it by memory. They were supposed to escape their families’ beliefs, along with their hatred and jealously, their manipulative words and their disgust to towards love.

They were supposed to be happy away from those who call themselves family. They were supposed to laugh and smile together as they spent every second alive in each other’s company.

They planned on being happy but now –

"Lance, love, please wake up. We – We were –" Keith chokes, the lump on his throat making impossible to talk, "N-N-No."

The Grand Father Clock hits midnight. Its ringing echoes loudly around the McClain household but Keith's attention is only on the unmoving chest of his lover and the closed eye lids that won't allow him to see the color that always reminded him of the sky itself.

He doesn't know how long he stays like that: frozen above the body of his lover, eyes spilling every last tear he had in him and then –

"Okay." Keith whispers softly, voice hoarse and weak as he caresses Lance's cold cheek lovingly. "O-Okay, my love."

He doesn't hesitate. He drops a heavy kiss on Lance's forehead and whispers three words against his face as he nuzzles it.

Keith had barely spoken the last word before his own family dagger was inside of him.

He groans in pain and leans forward slowly until he’s resting his head against Lance’s chest.  His breathing turns heavy, his vision is blurry and his hands are wet and sticky with blood but even through it all, he can still smell Lance’s essence on his shirt, he can see the Lance’s sharp chin and cheekbones clear as the day and he can feel the smoothness of his cinnamon skin against his touch.

Keith almost feels guilty when he uses one of his hands to stroke Lance's cheek and leaves a blood stain on it.

"Sorry. I'm sorry." Keith chokes out. "I'm …I'm on my way o-okay?"

The seconds become slower. His breathing and heartbeat have almost vanished by now.

He has less than a second left and as he closes his eyes –

"Keith."

He hears someone breathe out his name.

"Keith.” Lance gasps sharply, blinking away the grogginess in his eyes as he turns his head towards his window, his hand automatically placing itself above Keith’s head tenderly as he lays his free one on the bed, "I’m here. I’m here. We don't have a lot time left, we need to –"

He stops short when he feels something warm spreading itself on his sheets.

"Um," The brunet breaths out, the smell of copper and metal filling his nose and Lance’s suddenly shaking like a leaf, "This –This is…."

Red covers every inch of his bed. Every corner of it it’s colored in a deep angry red that replaces the creamy color it once had.

"K-Keith, amor." Lance stutters afraid, his hand on Keith’s head tightening on his lover’s hair as if to ground himself, "Please tell me that's wine."

He can’t look down. He doesn’t dare to look down and see the body of his lover and confirm his fears.

He doesn’t dare to knowledge the lack of breathing and the lack of movement from Keith’s part. He doesn’t dare to knowledge the silence and the missing second heartbeat that it’s supposed to echo along with his own.

Lance sighs shakily and starts stroking Keith’s hair in a soothing motion.

"Someone….please, someone please tell me this is wine." He whispers brokenly as he closes his eyes in hopes to wake up again once he opens them and have a second chance, "P-Please answer me, K-Keith."

Keith stays silent but Lance doesn't.

His screams echoes down the mansion, pain and agony dripping from them as if they were coming from the cruelest torture known by man.

And maybe they were.  

Lance cries as he gathers Keith's limp body, sobbing against his lover’s black hair and his tears mixing themselves with the fresh blood on his pale skin.

Lance begs. He begs to the universe, to God, to Keith. He also curses them, each and every one of them for gifting him the beautiful feeling of love only to take it away in the worst way possible.

He cries. He sobs. He screams.

And once there’s nothing left in him, that’s when he decides.

"One way." He whispers, voice cracking as he takes out Keith's dagger from his stomach, ignoring the grotesque sound it makes as he removes it from the flesh, "One way or another. We promised."

"We promised." He repeats shakily, taking a deep breath against Keith's face before he's bringing the dagger down straight to his chest.

As the metal penetrates his skin, Lance can't help but think that the stab actually hurts less than what it felt to lose Keith.

Maybe that's what loves means; its pain is greater than any physical wound could offer.

He feels his life slip away, almost as fast as the blood that leaves his body, but before he loses himself, he grabs Keith’s hand against his own and squeezes it with the last speck of strength inside him.

Lance can only smile in relief as his breath leaves him because at least he will have Keith to show him the way.