#if i was my own child someone would’ve taken me off me long ago lmfao

[evidently-endless]

[imfallingdown-icantwakeup]

Spirits of a Girl

This Fishmonger’s Daughter

Chapter Six: Spirits of a Girl  

Word count: 3270

Taglist:  , @a-banana-for-your-thoughts, @ultracolorfulnerdcollection , @cthylla-rlyeh @chipster-21

A/N: Okay, so here’s the thing. I there was supposed to be way more to this chapter but I got sudden inspiration for the second part so I decided to split them! So good news is half of the next chapter is already written and it wont take seven years for me to update again lmfao 

Enjoy!!!

The longer he noticed Elowyn give her rapt attention to the beast at hand, Jaskier grasped just how utterly he fell tangled at her feet. A lamb to the slaughter. A star exploding and fading into the black. He fell just as softly as ashes on snow around her while her beauty captivated him in the dimly lit room. Jaskier didn’t know when, but somewhere along the road of missing her it created a certain spark. There was a certain something coming to life between the two when their eyes caught one another.

               I could fall forever.

She laughed at something insignificant and prickly that Geralt had said, and somehow he fell harder. Her auburn hair hung in soft waves around her, framing her flaming cheeks. Her stained lips were parted with a pearl of angelic laughter while her head was cocked back, her stomach scrunching under the thin fabric of her red shirt.

Elowyn’s chest was exposed to the cool air, the flimsy fabric hung low enough for the black of her small cloth to spill over while she leaned towards him. Her hand squeezed his knee subconsciously when their eyes met, honey brown clashing with a brilliant blue. She smirked playfully at him when she realized just how intently his eyes were glued to the darkness around her mouth, warmth emanating from her and Jaskier felt dazed.

He walked into this feeling joyously, heart feeling as if he had just run for his life. Perhaps he had. The fall from Heaven to her feet was so euphonious and- oh how sweetly do the other angels resonate their praises while he falls so indisputably -

               “-wouldn’t you agree, Jaskier?” Geralt asks, a knowing smirk emerging from his face. Jaskier merely reaches for his wine glass while grinning, refusing to let his friend extinguish this newfound flicker of flame blossom from within his chest.

               “I am neither one to confirm nor deny,” The bard smoothly replies before he takes a drink from the wine Nivellen had procured for them. He leaned back into the chair to relax, the fingers on the back of El-Rose’s chair sneaking its way down to graze the top of her shoulder tenderly. This certain red wasn’t the sweetest wine he had, the bitter dry aftertaste lingering on the back of his palette only somewhat tolerable. Although Jaskier couldn’t disagree that it wasn’t doing its purpose.

He was well on his way to being drunk.

Elowyn seemed to live off the scarlet drink, the wine spilling from her rosy cheeks while her laughter continued lightly behind her hand with her shaking untamed locks at Geralt. He watched as her tongue swiped the rim of the glass quickly before she placed it fully to her lips, the dark liquid spilling from the corner while she tries to suppress a smile. Jaskier noticed as it trickled down her cheeks and jaw, a scarlet path flowing down her neck in such a way that had Jaskier questioning just how much sweeter the bitter wine would taste from her lips, from the tender skin at the nape over her neck. What would her pulse feel like beneath my lips, my tongue? Earlier they had been so close he saw her heartbeat straight from her ches-

               He knew why he wanted to kiss her, to lick the luscious sweat that clung to her skin; he wanted to taste her because she was exquisite. And before that, because she was compassionate and clever and funny. He could see himself taking long trips with her without ever getting jaded. Because whenever he saw anything new today- or any day for that matter, he knew she needed to be by him. She needed to hear his stories and praise him and call him her angel and-

               “This story.  You said something about it being complicated and the such.” Elowyn says as her giggling dies, hand leaving Jaskier’s knee slowly. Nivellen grunts at her in acknowledgment before speaking, waving a claw her way.

               “Of course. I wasn’t always like-like this, you know. A fiend.” Nivellen bites into the poultry before him, the meat splaying everywhere with his rough movements. “Do you see those portraits over by the fireplace? I am the third on the left, my father and grandfather before me.” Elowyn looks over her shoulder and pouts slightly, her plump bottom lip jutting out at the distance. She turns back around to grab a candle off table to see better in the dim light, Jaskier jumping up to follow the ever-so clumsy inebriated girl carrying fire in a house that just looked like a huge pile of tinder.

               “Do you see it, sir Geralt?” One could see the family resemblance in each of the paintings, a strong jaw with a mop of blonde hair on each of their faces. The middle one, his father, had a hard face with broad shoulders and staggering height. Nivellen himself must’ve taken after his mother, his face rounded slightly, eyes kind and young.

               “I am well acquainted with how portrait artists make their drawings more appealing than their character.” The beast merely smiled a toothy frightening smile at Geralt, causing him to sigh as he places his elbows on the table.

“So, you are a Witcher.”

               “What gave it away? Was it the swords?” His tone sounded bored and sardonic as he took a sip of his own goblet, making a distinct face at the insolent glassware, as if the cup itself had wronged him in some way.

               “Those humans had to move closer. The woman even took a candle with her. You haven’t moved a muscle to see it. Clearly, too if I had to bet on it.”

               “What of it?”

               “Why would you have a meal with a monster? Isn’t it your code to chop and slice the behemoths of this realm?”

            ��  “I would. If you were one.” His voice seemed to soften as he spoke, eyes relaxing slightly at the master of this mansion. Nivellen merely bellows lightly making shrieking noises as he slaps the table. Jaskier grabs Elowyn by the waist as they inch their way back to the table, Jaskier pushing his friend to his previous seat as he sat next to Nivellen.

               “If I were a monster? Are you trying to tell me that I can be this- “He gestures widely with the leg of bird in his fist, gesturing to himself crudely, “and not be a monster?”

               “Simple. If you were a monster you would not be able to touch my medallion.”

               “Pox on it. Next you’re gonna say I turned into this beast-like form because I didn’t eat my porridge as a babe.”

               “I have my own guesses, but I would like to hear the story.”

               “Very well. But only because you have a trustworthy face. Eat the food while it’s warm, I insist. Woman, did you see all three portraits? This house was my grandfather’s. He started up a sort of-a group-gang of men. He handed it down to his son when he was old enough. I’ll never forget when someone carted home what was left of my father. My grandfather hadn’t been part of the gang since I was a young child; he got hit on the head with a club and had a speech impediment.”

               “Naturally. You know, as they do.” Jaskier adds sarcastically, gaining an innocent sound from the woman beside him. Jaskier couldn’t help the bright smile off his face at hearing her find enjoyment in his words and takes a hearty sip of his wine to cool himself off.

               “Yes, exactly. So. Young and naive, I had control of the men. Well, looking back on it, they hand me wrapped around their finger in no time. Soon, we were doing things even my father would’ve been ashamed of. A young man, around my age-my second in command-he showed us a cave one night. About 75 miles from here. He told me stories of how he got drunk off these women. He spoke of the women who lived in these caves, how sweet their bodies tasted. That’s when it was decided that Maddox would show me the real way of becoming a man.” Nivellen narrates, messily taking bites of the food as he speaks. Jaskier perks up at the sound of her brother’s name, cocking his head at the beast.

               “Maddox?”

               “Yes, Ver-something. He had a sister he would talk about though. I cannot remember it for the life of me, it was so long ago. But I’ll never forget his name, I know that for sure.”

               “I can see how well that worked out for you.” Geralt mumbles lowly before he chugs the wine in his glass, slightly wincing at the bitter taste. Jaskier shakes his head at his friend before setting his attention to the furry man in front of him, questions racing his head.

               This can’t be possible.

               “Vernissier?” Jaskier asks, looking sideways at Elowyn after a moment. What was her brother doing all the way over here, in a gang of all things?

               “Yes, that’s-that’s actually correct. How did you- “

               “Continue with your story.” Elowyn intercedes as she breaks her gaze with Jaskier. He can feel her distance herself as she turns slightly away from him and Jaskier can’t stop the feeling of his own panic toil away in his chest. It seized his heart as he took in her crestfallen posture, the collapse of her shoulders giving rise to a rather large lump in his throat.

               “Very well.” Nivellen concedes gracefully. “We raided the cave. He failed to mention that it was-was some sort of shrine and-oh pox, the smell was just. It was disgusting. We took what was valuable and I took the woman, there was only one and Maddox was yelling about his damn missing doxie- “

               “His what?” There was an insistence in Geralt’s voice that had captured Jaskier, causing him to look over at Elowyn questioningly. She ignored him and oh, how he recognized the sparks flaming in her eyes, the small frown set as she addressed their host sharply. Thank the Gods she’s not looking at me like that.

               “Don’t stop talking.” Her tone is jagged and harsh. Elowyn now gained an incredulous look from all the men gathered, the pure panic of her words overwhelming Jaskier.

               “Excuse me? Is there something else going on that I should be privy to?” Nivellen asks as he leans on the table to get closer to Elowyn, his large eyes fixing solely on her.

               “Maddox was yelling about his- “

               “Who cares what Geralt is asking about. Finish your story.” Elowyn demanded. There was a beat of silence, a hesitance to the host as he looked over at Geralt enquiringly. Jaskier watched Elowyn intently as she forced herself to relax in the chair, her mind changing tactics to get what she wanted. She flung the goblet in her hand lazily in front of her. The liquid seemed to be sloshing around dangerously to the edges as she forces a pleasant smile on her face. “How rude is it to interrupt someone when they are in the middle of such a riveting ta- “?

               “Nivellen,” He interrupted her mid-sentence. He couldn’t let the moment pass him by, not when it bothered her so. ‘She’s hiding something,’ Geralt’s words ring in his head. ‘Five years can change- ‘

               “Jaskier, you wouldn’t dare- “The fire in her eyes, the edge in her voice, the set of her pouting lips. Elowyn was scared. This might be the only chance that Jaskier had to get the truth, words she was reluctant to share. She said I had to wait for her. Not another’s answers.

               “-who was Maddox yelling about?” Jaskier’s words were soft as he kept his gaze locked with Elowyn’s. He watched as her face dropped to the plate before reaching for the wine goblet, taking a hearty chug as Nivellen continues his story.

               “Someone he was fucking that he was too ashamed to bring too close to home. No further than this place here. Maddox liked telling his sister’s boy his adventures. I gave him a rose to take to her, it was her birthday and he always gushed of how roses were her favorite. My great-aunt had them transplanted and cross bred here; those beauties are one of a kind. I haven’t seen him since, poor guy. I hope he’s doing well.” The company became silent in front of Nivellen, each placing pieces to a puzzle the young girl longed they didn’t have. Jaskier’s hand reached down and found itself wrapped gently around her knee, his thumb rubbing soothing circles over her pants as she gathers herself.

               “Your story. Please, continue.” She questions defeatedly, watching as her goblet fills before taking another sip. Neither his hand nor his gaze leaves her as Nivellen sighs from behind him.

               “Yes, well, during our moment I didn’t notice that the ropes had gotten loose. She had one of those small daggers hidden in her hair. She spit in my face calling me a ‘beast in man’s skin’ before uttering some spell in another language and slitting her own throat.” Nivellen said. Elowyn peered over to her best friend, giving him a small smile of something; it wasn’t something Jaskier could place with all this wine coursing through his system, but he couldn’t deny that it felt enchanting when she looked at him this way.

               “Do you remember what she said?” Geralt asks quietly. Jaskier jumps slightly, forgetting of his friend’s presence. Again, she had captured him so utterly, her eyes a never-ending sea of darkness and storms. The tiny demons lit fires in the pits even deeper below, and he found it nearly impossible- without the help of the Witcher- to look away.

               “Pox, no. It was so long ago now. We rushed out of there, I told you there were skulls and bodies. We were so scared that we ran the horses all the way home. I cut Maddox his sister’s rose as a- well as a payment and sent him on his way. The very next day, I woke to a terrible stretching feeling. I gazed into the mirror and felt myself grow into this-this form and started shrieking. It was quite painful, all the hair growing at once.”

               “It sounds like puberty.” Jaskier muses with a playful smirk.

               “Much worse, I’m afraid. A servant came running in and I went to put a hand over her mouth to keep her screams quiet. There was a mistake, the claws. She bled on the floor and my aunt walked in and started screeching and I bellowed, and she ran from me. I flew into a rampage- I was so confused. Three servants ended up dying. The cat eventually came back.”

               “The cat?” The question comes out with a laugh from the woman beside the bard, her eyes light with humor.

               “Yes, I guess us animals must unite together. You know the feeling.” Nivellen pauses a moment to peer over to Geralt solemnly, as if with just a look they came to a silent understanding. “I can see it in your eyes, Witcher. Unfortunately, she died not long after that.”

               “A snack, I presume?” Jaskier jokes loudly, wine manipulating his decisions.

               “Never. No, she got caught in a trap. Ended up strangling herself.”            

               “Survival of the fittest.” Geralt comments. Elowyn giggles gloriously beside Jaskier and his hand tightens lightly at the cheery sound.

               “Shit is what it is. Nature,” Nivellen mumbles as he takes his own drink of wine.

               “The story, Nivellen. Is there more?” Elowyn asks quietly, head coming to rest on Jask’s shoulder softly. Geralt watches as Jaskier leans back in his chair, making his body more easily acceptable for the girl to lean against. She sighs gratefully before cuddling up to his arm that was already placed on her knee, the drink making her crave human touch.

               “Well, yes, but it’s of no interest to you, woman.”

               “Oh.” Her head dropped in minor disappointment before looks back up at Nivellen. Her eyes now held a certain boldness, the wine of the night emboldening her. “Then our accommodations. May we sleep in your courtyard for the night?”

               “Bold of a woman to speak so blatantly to a man.”

               “Is that a ‘yes’?” She muses optimistically. Jaskier could see the way Nivellen’s eyes crinkled, could hear the husky chuckle he gave to her words as a warm breath fanned over Jaskier.

               “What she is trying to say is- “Geralt interrupts hurriedly, trying to remedy a situation that was not broken. Elowyn scoffs at the Witcher, her posture straightening as she unwraps herself from her bard.

               “I’m pretty sure Nivellen and I have the common sense to understand the simplicity of- “Her words were bitter and aimed directly at the irritable man. Geralt had a hard look in his eyes even though his face was relaxed and Jaskier knew that she was just feeling left out. Bitter. Geralt has that effect on some people.

               “I expect you to be gone at first morning light.” Nivellen interjects, stopping the woman mid-rant with a guttural chortle.

               “Yes, thank you for your generosity. We greatly appreciate your hos-” Jaskier tries to smooth over the hostility, rising to his feet to bow slightly. The wine made him slightly light-headed as he went to stand, causing him to sway greatly on his feet, Geralt smirking at his side of the table.

               “Dandelion. Rose,” Geralt interrupts with a small leer playing at the edges of his mouth at their aliases. “if you could set up the tents while I finish with my friend Nivellen here.” He suggests. Jaskier can feel the woman stiffen from beside him. He could feel the heat leave her body as anger boiled in her veins, Geralt finally pulling her over the edge into rage.

Some things never change, do they?

               “Pard- “

               “Of course, Geralt. Nothing would please us more.” Jaskier interferes before she embarrasses herself. He grabs her arm, pulling her up and behind him in a swift moment, turning as he brushes his nose over her cheekbone lightly.

               “Ja-Dandelion.” She protests weakly, her breath huffing from her as Jaskier smirks down to her, a light chuckle leaving him. She takes a small step back, creating some distance and Jaskier keeps ahold of her arm, preventing her from going too far. He wanted to keep her close, to explore this new fire she had created in him.

               “You look a bit heated,” Jaskier raised his unoccupied hand to gently sweep a finger over her ever-reddening cheeks, a giggle escaping her as her mood turned, “maybe the night air will clear your head. Then we can continue our discussion from before, hmm?” The smile the bard wears is down-right conniving, causing a newfound rush of arousal to spike in Elowyn.

               “Well, I-I guess that’s ass-acceptable.” She slurs, either getting lost in the wine or the feeling of his fingers whispering sweet nothings into her skin, Jaskier didn’t have a clue.

               “No need to be rude. Say good night, little devil.” He whispers as he turns from her, arm dropping to his side as he sends a small wink to Geralt, ending their contact as the Witcher nods slightly in thanks.

               “Goodnight, Nivellen.” Elowyn says dolefully before she grabs Jaskier’s arm to steady her on their way out, Geralt starting a conversation once they were out of earshot. She pulls Jaskier closer as she stumbles at her own feet, causing Jaskier to wrap him arm around her waist pulling her even to his side.

[speaknowslut13]

Lauren my beloved! Sorry I missed yesterday, my life is chaos and also I was out of data haha.

Ohh very fun! I feel like kids that age are fun because their personalities are really starting to develop.

Awesome! I’ve also played flute since 5th grade and then I played piccolo in marching band all through college. I miss playing in groups, and I’m really hoping that’ll be possible again soon! You are to drums as I am to singing lmfao I was almost kicked out of choir in high school bc I canNOT carry a tune. What other instruments do you want to learn?

I love channels like that! That and cooking channels are the majority of my subscribed to haha so if you ever decide to start a YouTube, I will certainly be on your subscribers list. Understandable, Tiktok stresses me outtttt lol I go on from time to time bc my sister always sends me a bunch but then I have to delete the app again.

Awwwwwe oh my gosh, that’s so cute!! 🥺🥺 what was your wedding like? (Though I never plan on getting married myself, I loveeeeee weddings hehe) what kind of stuff do you like to do together?

Omggg what an incredible experience for rep tour! Tumblr during rep tour was one of my favorite times ever on tumblr, like so exciting to get clips of the b stage songs and see peoples posts about meeting her! What other concerts have you been too?

I’m hoping to visit Croatia at the end of august, if everything goes according to plan/covid doesn’t once again wreck my plans. I grew up in the northwestern US, and there people joke that the seasons are “fire season, road construction, winter” and winters are regularly so much snow, windy, and -20°, so not ideal conditions for enjoying them. Have you been to Grand Canyon or any of the other national parks in the southwest? They all look so beautiful, that’s one part of the US I would definitely like to see more of.

Thank you!! I’m really excited to be a student again but I am also really glad I took some time off. I enjoy Dostoevsky! Probably not my all time favorite, but my best friend loves him so I’ve read a lot of his stuff and talk about it a lot. Also a big fan of Byron and I have a love/hate relationship with Shakespeare. My favorite poet is ee cummings, I love Cynthia Kadohata, huge Neil Gaiman fan. And many many others haha but off the top of my head let’s go with that 😅

What do you write about? And in what medium? I write a lot of poetry and I like writing non fiction, but I learned in college that I am NOT a fiction writer hahaha.

What have you been up to this weekend?? I hope you’ve had a lovely day 💖 Drew

ps: I love reading your responses! Please don’t feel bad or stressed about writing a lot ✨✨

Hello, Drew! Chaos feels like the natural order of the world lately. It’s fine if you miss a day or two! I understand.

I actually never really wanted to be married myself. I figured if I did, I’d be at least 30. I wanted to get school done first. Then, after my previous relationship, I decided I wanted to be alone. Fate had different plans. I also wasn’t sure I wanted kids. Changed my mind. However one is plenty. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone invalidates a person’s choices by saying “oh you’ll change your mind”. So even though I changed mine, I won’t be implying or outright denying that you don’t know your own mind.

My wedding was small. We eloped. It was a complicated situation with his family at the time, and we had decided to have the protection of a legal document since we were living together anyway. We picked randomly picked the day. Turned out to be Valentine’s Day. So, I, along with millions of other people, got married at a court house. In fact, someone was wearing my same dress that day! It was awkward. We have yet to have any celebration outside of that day. It was just my immediate family. However, I’ve never regretted marrying him and I still look back fondly on it. Fun fact: his parents found out we were married after we totaled their truck a few months later. Not so fun fact: that was the scariest accident I’ve been in to date. Accident wasn’t our fault and at least in this accident I had airbags. Ever been in an accident? Or in one without modern crash technology? It’s not very fun. Hurts a lot. I remember having to tell my father in law, on the side of the road, that Chase and I had actually gotten married. He was stunned but super supportive. Like I previously said, it was complicated . And I can get into it more, but there’s so much else to address right now!

We really like sitting in silence on our phones together! 😂 We are one of those annoying couples who like to do everything together. We are practically attached at the hip and the pandemic has only made it worse. He’s really interested in getting into D&D. We like playing video games together. We both love swimming. We both really want to travel. I’d love to take him to Europe. We like movies. But we both compliment our different likes and knowledge. He loves animated movies and animes and I love books. We both love art. He’s so good. He lets me do his makeup and nails from time to time. It doesn’t bother him at all. But not only that he’s really helpful at making sure I get my medicines and that I get rest when I need it. Throughout the lockdown he’d do all the running around so I wouldn’t have to go out since I’m immuno compromised. Sometimes I feel like he’s too good to me and the kid. I try to give back what I can. But honestly, he’s my best friend too.

Ahem. Enough gushing.

Other than some musicals and local symphonies, I’ve never been to any other concerts! Weird. I know! I’ve wanted to but never have. I’ve always wanted to see Imagine Dragons. Or Panic! at the Disco. There’s a few artists actually, I’d love to go see.

Croatia is BEAUTIFUL. My time in Europe was 2 weeks during July. I’m in love with it. If you go, Rijeka is wonderful. But near Rijeka is a mountain town called Fužine. It’s MAGICAL. I spent most of my time there. One of the upsides to staying in Rijeka is that it’s just a few hours away from Venice, too. Which. Was also breathtaking. I cried at the beauty of it. I have pictures of these places and I love looking at them. But they also make me a little sad. For multiple reasons. We had a layover in Munich on our way home and so we spent two days there as well. We drove up to the Neuschwanstein castle. It was amazing. But the most harrowing part of that stop was at the site of Dachau. I will never forget the heaviness of it. I had to stop halfway through. It was too much for my sensitivity. A privilege I will never forget.

I was able to visit Idaho (Rexburg) during October and December one year and I loved it. I’ve only ever been to Washington (coastal) and Oregon during the summer months. I wanted to go to school in Washington, originally. Thought I’d move up there. Now the goal is to ultimately expat. Canada, likely. We will see if that ever pans out, though.

I’ve been to the Grand Canyon once when I was 10 or 11(?). We went during December to ride the “Polar Express”. It’s a special event they run during the winter months before Christmas. We were snowed in so we stayed an extra day and took the train to the Grand Canyon. So I got to see it all snowy and clear. It’s gorgeous and I highly recommend it once. I don’t know if I would ever really go back but I might take the kid someday. I at least want her to go on the Polar Express ride. It’s cute and fun for the kids. I was a little too old to fully enjoy it, but my little sister was roughly the right age.

I’ve been to several places in Arizona. The missions, Jerome, and I’ve also been to some places in Colorado and New Mexico. I can’t recall all their names off the top of my head and it was a long time ago.

I greatly appreciate anyone who can write poetry. It is not my forte. They come out childish and awkward. So, I keep those to myself. I write anything and everything. I have several stories, but three top priority right now. One is complete but needs serious reworking and revision. I started it when I was 15. It’s a paranormal mystery with romance. The second one is a fantasy that I started with a friend when I was 14/15. It has its own world and has taken on a life of its own since then. It’s massive. And the third one is a coming of age story. It’s my most delicate one. I started it when I was 21. I have shared an excerpt on tumblr of this one. It’s my most complicated one yet. Like any artist, I’m constantly second guessing my work and lamenting my talent.

This weekend has been mostly spent recharging. I’ve been helping my mom with a project. And of course swimming. I’m a child at heart and I bought myself a mermaid tail. I’ve elevated my pool game. It’s so much fun but my body is yelling at me. I’m not as energetic as I was in my youth. You mentioned marching band? You and I really do have much in common! Not only are you a flautist, but a marching one at that?! I marched in high for two years. I loved it but I started to get burned out. And then I started horseback riding and planned to do that instead. My parents couldn’t afford to do both. And then I caught mono. Looking back, I understand why my mono knocked me out for so long (it’s linked to my autoimmune issues) but at the time every one of my friends thought I was being dramatic. It was kind of a horrible experience. So even if I had signed up for band my junior year, I would’ve had to quit. And then my senior year I signed up for this program that put me through a college program to get my EMT-B. I didn’t take band at all that year. Now I just play for myself. Ideally I’d learn every instrument.

I actually couldn’t sing very well for the longest time. Which was ironic because my mom was operatically trained. My older sister was also trained. And my little sister preferred chorus to band. I ended up teaching myself later. So now I don’t sound terrible but I’m not going to take my solo act on the road anytime soon.

If I can teach myself makeup, art, instruments, and other various things, then maybe I can also someday be brave enough to put myself out there on the internet. And if I do, I will definitely let you know! I will at least have 3 subscribers. 😂

Tell me about this trip you’re planning to Croatia!

[macguires]

ok first of all if someone actually decides to open this , i want 2 v firmly express that i would actually turn into the fucking knife emoji if anyone ever tried to contact someone about what i vent abt on my blog and i could go on a whole separate rant about exactly why 

plus a) i’ve been thinking obsessively about this since i was a literal child (especially over the last year or so) and it’s gotten too frustrating and overwhelming to have this on my mind every second of every day and know i can’t talk about it to anyone irl because people will freak out and try to intervene and i’ll have the one choice i can make for myself taken from me so i would very much like to actually be able to get this stuff out without needing to worry about people here doing that also and b) my mother is already aware of a fair portion of the stuff i’m about to vent about so u will do nothing she hasn’t thanks

this is absolutely just me basically talking to myself and getting everything out that’s been bothering me and that i’ve been distracted by and this is very much a last resort way of me getting it out, this isn’t really for other people to read like. i don’t mind if someone does, i just want to make it v clear that this is first and foremost just a jumble of incoherent thoughts that i’m putting down as i think them and i can’t deal w/ someone seeing it and getting involved by telling anybody about it, not that i actually think someone would sit here and literally read through it all because even i don’t know how long this will get and it very literally only matters & relates to me

but i’m really paranoid so just in case like. even if this makes no sense to u and u think it’s the right thing to do to tell someone about it or something just do me a favour and Do Not lol

anyway ok time to Empty my Brain in no order whatsoever

honestly i’ve literally been like Actively Suicidal for so many fucking years that at this point i’m just on a whole new level of it lmfao. like whenever people are kinda clued in to what i’m thinking (by which i mean the 1.5 people who've ever actually half-noticed bc i never fucking talk to people about things) they kind of assume that it’s bc i’m like. i’ve given up on getting better and if i just make Yet Another effort to seek help (which has never helped ever) or someone just talks to me about stuff i’ll see Hope and that i don’t really want to die and instead want to be ‘saved’ and to get better and live happily etcetcetc

but like.... that’s not even it like i’m? i love the world. i love the universe, i love everyone i’ve ever met, i love my family and my friends and everyone who’s neither of those things and i absolutely love the Little Things in life and talking to people and all of that stuff

like it’s not that i hate the world or can’t see the value of life or anything? that’s not it at all

i’m honestly so far past the whole Super Angsty emo stage of being suicidal and i’ve crossed over into ‘serene acceptance’

like it’s just a fact to me that i’m going to do it? this has been the plan since i was like 11, this was always how i was going to do things, i always knew when i’d do it and how and what i wanted to get done first and i’ve always had it in my mind no matter what i’m doing or talking about, and it doesn’t make me sad to think about it now that it’s not so far away? i’m literally sitting here counting down until it’s time (i’m staying to see the last two star wars movies first lmao i’ve still got A While) and it’s just another Thing. like i just feel totally chill about it and i’m actually in a better mood now that things are properly settled in my mind than i ever was when i had no idea what i was going to do in the future, like i’m appreciating everything so much more now and every conversation i have just feels. like i’m taking it all in and saying everything i want to say while i still can and making sure that people know i love them and. idk i’m sure it only makes sense in my head and would be awful & stupid to other people but like i’m so calm about it

like a few years ago i would’ve been wishing for help and for people to talk to me and for me to find a way to turn my whole life around and fix my v faulty brain, but now i feel like i’ve literally just crossed over a line somewhere, like past the point of no return, and now you could offer me all of that, you could offer me another way out and everything i’ve ever wished for, you could offer me Unlimited Happiness and true love if i keep living, and i’d literally be like “thanks but nah. i think i’ll leave anyway” 

? like i’ve seen the world. i’ve tried it out. it’s lovely. it’s beautiful and i love the people i’ve met and i hope i’ve made a positive impact on them while i’ve been here. the stars are pretty. video games are Good. i love life - i just don’t love being a part of it. it’s just....... Not For Me. it’s never made me anything but miserable and literally every bad thing that could happen happens to me, esp mental health-wise. i’m so exhausted so like thanks for the trial run but it’s been terrible personally and i want the chance to opt out now

and i don’t even want to imagine how much worse i’d feel all over again about all of my mental and physical health problems if i didn’t have this because i’m literally coping with everything right now by thinking to myself “well i won’t have to deal with them for long anymore”, like everything in my life is now being dealt with via the ‘only a little longer’ mindset and if i had that taken away from me i’d be Destroyed yet again 

but like legitimately i’ve just. since i was a child all life has been is depression and anxiety and anorexia and avpd and suicidal thoughts and literal physical & verbal child abuse as well as seriously fucked up domestic abuse where literal guns were involved towards my mum and then watching my dad get questioned by police and get charges pressed against him and then watching them get dropped and him never getting punished for any of it and carrying on w/ his life because police asked me to tell them about it while my mum stood there in the room the whole time to make sure i was covering for him and she would lie to my sisters when they asked me about what was going on and nobody ever believed me and even now if i mention it to friends i can never shake off the “oh my god they don’t believe me they think i’m lying and making it all up for attention” and i hate it. and i don’t hate him now bc he’s different now but my whole childhood was fear and violence and anger and nobody coming to my house because my friends were terrified of him even when he was acting nice for guests and it still affects me & my mum to the point where we were watching a video of my sister’s wedding a couple of months ago (which happened around the time the abuse was at its Absolute Height) and my dad came onscreen at one point without warning and i literally wanted to throw up and i was shaking and my mum got so bitter and sad and for a split second seeing him just like he was when it was all happening, it was like being back there and i just felt it all all over again and i felt so helpless and angry and i’d really been trying so so so hard to forget it all and i hate that nobody will ever know how bad it was or fully believe me when i reference it

and when i talk about me ‘dealing w/ anorexia’ i mean that’s literally. like if you don’t have an eating disorder you have no idea. a couple of my friends know that i have it and i know exactly what they think it’s like and they have n-o-i-d-e-a how bad it is and how all-consumingly it takes over your entire life, literally everything. it’s so different from what you hear about it and assume about it if you’re reading about it without experiencing it firsthand, it’s so much worse and so much more horrible and painful and for like 3 years now i’ve been able to think of nothing but weight and food and eating and how many weeks it’ll be until i can next eat something and it’s made me bitter and stressed and i’ve gotten literally nothing from it. like surprise! you don’t even always lose weight! that’s a possible side effect of an eating disorder, but thanks to Starvation Mode and the speed of ur metabolism, you could royally fuck up your life irreversibly, damage your internal organs, push away all of your friends and throw away your entire future as well as make yourself totally miserable and be at risk of dying and you’ll still be the same weight you were when you started! in fact u might even look bigger bc u’ll bloat constantly, even if all u did was have a drink! u will literally look pregnant! nobody will believe that ur eating disorder is serious bc even if u haven’t eaten for a month u’ll still look totally healthy! and if ur like me the Logical Solution to this will be deliberately dehydrating yourself to the point of passing out in front of people multiple times just so u aren’t bloated when they see u, bc they might think it’s fat! will that mean you’re able to stop starving urself bc you see that it’s not doing anything and ur not losing weight? nope! have fun continuing w/ putting urself through literal hell for nothing and also with massive crying panic attacks over half a pound of temporary water weight gained after drinking a cup of tea one day

and i’ve had to drop out of school and i’m never going to be able to work or live alone and i’m literally never going to be happy or enjoy life in the slightest so i’m literally like. why should i keep forcing myself through this. why should i stay here and have my whole life be like this and keep living for other people who make me feel miserable anyway, why shouldn’t i be selfish and make my own choice about whether or not i want to keep doing this all day every day for another 60+ years, why shouldn’t i get an option, why shouldn’t i be able to say “yeah this isn’t for me, i literally don’t remember feeling happy or loved at any stage in my life and it’s just not worth it for me, i’d quite like for everything to stop now, thank you for the opportunity”

like i know that’s selfish and unreasonable and i know it would make no sense if i ever tried to tell someone about it and i know that people would panic and try to change my mind and call people and like. get me put somewhere where i can’t do shit because they think i’ll change my mind one day or feel better later or they want me to stick around for them (tho there is a part of me that’s started thinking of that as like. why should i only be living for other people when i don’t want to, shouldn’t i be living for myself? shouldn’t that be the whole point? if i don’t want to do that and i’ve stuck around since i first started feeling this way when i was 11 purely for other people’s sakes and i’ve found that that just isn’t working out and hasn’t changed anything and at no point has anything gotten better like people always told me it would, why can’t i make this one really selfish choice for myself and say no thank you i’d like to make this decision for me now)

but vague bitterness aside, i’m past the “oh my god my life is horrible and i cry 24/7 and i just want to die, i’m going to end up killing myself and that’s awful and sad and i wish i wasn’t like this” stage that lasted literal years and i’m in the “yeah i’m definitely gonna be doing that, but that’s a peaceful and comforting thought rather than a depressing one, i feel much calmer and more clear-headed knowing that there’s an Exit in sight and i don’t have to do this for much longer”

and the fact that i’m sticking around as long as i am purely to watch the last two star wars sequel movies (or at least the next one, whether i want to wait for the last one or not depends on what happens in that) is probably also the dumbest-sounding thing i’ve ever said. like i wasn’t even supposed to be here that long. the whole thing since i was 11 was that i was supposed to be Very Dead by the end of 2017. i went through my last birthday with the assumption in my mind that it would be my last one. and i was v relieved about it. but ta-da! here we are and i accidentally got attached to star wars and then had a literal massive dramatic panic attack alone in my room as i tried to figure out how to deal w/ my Need to know what happens next with the thing i’ve been planning and that i’ve been comforted by the certainty of for years, eventually very reluctantly and miserably deciding that i’ll stay to see through to the end of these stupid-ass movies while also desperately hoping i’ll lose interest in them before then and can give up on that and it won’t be a problem anymore. and like there’s no going back after i’ve seen them. especially after changing plans to wait for the movies to come out, that’s already WAY TOO LONG and v much stresses me out to think about, i was NOT supposed to ever reach the age i’ll be when they’re done in a couple of years, so no matter what as soon as i’ve seen them i am Gone Bye Bye lmfao i’ll literally be rushing to do it out of panic by then bc of the Delay 

and i always thought i’d stick around for my irl best friend, that’s how it was at first. there was one brief time during february 2014 (i think?) when i ended up almost doing something v permanent because i was v miserable and said best friend phoned me one night about how they were scared they were going to be kicked out of their house and sent to some random place in perth (which is pretty far away) and i told them they could stay at mine if they needed to, and thankfully they weren’t kicked out and things were resolved back then but i literally remember thinking to myself like. if something ever happened to them, i wanted to be there for them? i was like “if i’m dead i can’t help them, i can’t say ‘you can come to mine’ if they ever need to, i won’t be there to answer if they’re ever in another situation where they need to call someone” and i’ve never told them about this but they pretty much saved me back then just by doing that because i realised i couldn’t go through with it like a day before i was supposed to, i didn’t want to leave them

and like distantly, in a r e a l l y detached way, i’m sort of glad i don’t feel the need to do that anymore? like they did eventually end up getting kicked out not long ago and they did end up staying at my house (which i admittedly did for selfish reasons, i wanted to be useful and i wanted to feel like i was helping them and like i was keeping my promise to do that for them if they ever needed to) and now i’ve done that and they’ve met new friends and they’re just. doing so many wonderful things and we’ve drifted a little in the sense that i know they’ll be totally fine, i’ve sort of drifted from everyone, and that doesn’t only make me feel sad anymore? like i’m actually so proud of them, i’ve known my friends for years and watched them achieve so much and i know everyone will be okay and they’re all going to do so much w/ their lives and i wish them all the happiness & love in the world, and it’s sort of just really freeing to be able to say that i don’t feel like i need to stay for them, it won’t really affect their lives if i wasn’t here anymore (and i don’t even mean that to sound self-pitying or anything, it doesn’t make me upset to say that anymore, it’s literally just another thing i’m v accepting of), they have other people to call and other people to be with and i’m so happy for them 

and it’s just totally changed the way i’m seeing things, like i might (depending on how i feel about my weight at the time lol bc that dictates Everything now, it’s great fun) be meeting up with a few friends in april and i don’t see them irl that often anymore, and i’m going into this knowing i’m very possibly seeing them for the last time? depending on whether we all get together in person again in the year or two afterwards? and it’s so strange idk. like it’s strange to think that i’m going into this and i’m going to be looking at them and wondering if i’ll see them again before it happens or if this’ll be the last time i do and. like it bothers me a little because they won’t know and us all meeting up that day won’t mean the same thing for them as it does for me, but i’m trying to let that feel freeing too

idk man everything’s just. i’m accepting everything. a lot of things that would have made me panic and cry and pity myself a few years ago just sort of gets a. “yeah, that’s true, and that’s okay, i’m not mad/sad about that anymore” response from me now because everything is just so much more ‘whatever’ now that i can tell myself i don’t need to feel all of this and think all of this for any longer than another couple of years and i just want to love & appreciate everything and everyone so there’s absolutely no mistake about what i think of anyone, like while i’m still here i want to spend that time making sure nobody can feel uncertain about how much i love them & how grateful i am, i want to make people as happy as i can and to tell them everything i love about them while i can

i used the word ‘freeing’ a minute ago and i guess that’s the term i’ve been looking for since the start of this shamefully long post and since i started thinking about all of this more concretely, knowing i have this actual solid way out and knowing when i’ll get there and how long it will take and how it will happen is so freeing and it’s just making everything feel more peaceful and meaningful (? that’s not quite the right term but) and i’m so determined not to let this get taken from me