#if i was kendall id literally just go you know what? fuck you and your fuckass company

[kimmkitsuragi]

u guys were right succession is the shit omg

[zweiginator]

A hc where Kendall finds out the reader has handcuffs (or other toys) in her bedside table

kendall coming over unannounced and you’re his little intern that he decided to hire because you were persistent and needed experience

he knows he shouldn’t come over but you actually had really good points at the meeting you sat in with him that day, and he wants to add to your pay—or maybe just wants to see the little pajamas you wear to bed and your eyes grow wider when you answer the door and it’s him.

and that’s exactly what happens; you open the door, rubbing your eyes from a nap. you’re wearing a thin tank top and some skimpy pajama shorts; it’s HOT in manhattan

when you see it’s kendall, you immediately cover your chest with your arms. “oh—kendall! wha-what’s up??”

his knees literally become weak at the sight of you; of course he thought you were fucking hot but seeing you looking up at him with a sheepish, innocent embarrassment literally makes him hard and he needs to control himself because he’s just there to talk about pay

but then again, he could’ve just called..

you usher him in, apologizing for the state of your apartment. “here, come into my room it’s the least warm in there.”

it was hot and kendall loosened his tie and collar which annoyingly made your pussy soaking wet

you sat on your bed and crossed your arms over your chest and kendall cleared his throat. “so um sorry for just showing up. but i wanted to offer you a more permanent position—“

you looked at him intently—until your face grew hot. your huge vibrator wand was plugged into the wall behind kendall.

“oh, um. really? id really like that! listen let’s go to the living room it feels like maybe we shouldn’t be in here.”

kendall looked around. “oh i don’t mind if you’re worried about—“ he stopped in his track when he saw your vibrator on the edge of your desk. “oh, um.” he shifted, hot from thinking about you grinding your clit against the vibrations, legs shaking, wetness running down your legs.

“this is so embarrassing. i’m so sorry.” you began to tear up, so humiliated.

“sweetheart it’s okay. no judgement.” kendall urged, rubbing your knee. “i won’t mention it.”

you molded into his touch without even meaning to. “i just—i can’t believe my boss is here and he’s seeing my fucking sex toys. fuck this is worst case scenario.”

kendall held his tongue before opting to test the waters. “who knew little intern y/n had it in her?”

trying to break the tension, you shrugged. “the dating scene here is really awful. gotta get the job done somehow.” you smiled. it was a toothy smile that was in your eyes too and kendall’s cock twitched. he wanted you so fucking bad now.

“feeling tense?” he scooted towards you.

you nodded, and he held your jaw, his thumb stroking the soft skin of your cheek. and then his thumb wandered, rubbing against your bottom lip, and then you were sucking on his thumb.

it didn’t take long before you were on kendall’s lap, his hands on your ass as you kissed him hungrily, moaning sweetly into his mouth. he felt the wet warmth of your pussy grinding against him and he felt fucking feral, pulling your tank top down to suck on your nipples.

“pretty little slut.” he moaned, pulling the hair at the nape of your neck.

you arched into his touch as he kissed down your throat. “we shouldn’t—but, fuck.”

“we shouldn’t want, sweet girl? “

“have sex. but—i”

kendall had an idea. “then we don’t need to fuck right now.” he spread your legs, groaning as your pussy became visible to him. “why don’t i use your little toy on you?”

you nodded instinctively, grinding onto his bulge.

“greedy girl. just be patient.”

he grabbed the vibrator from the desk and pushed you onto the bed, his fingers spreading your cunt as he turned the toy on, holding it to your throbbing clit.

“fffuuuck. ken-kendall.” you moaned, your face growing hot. you were overstimulated but wanted more.

“god you make me so fucking hard.” he turned up the power, hearing the wetness multiply as your legs began to shake.

“please, i’m gonna cum,”

“so fast?” kendall teased, his free hand wrapping around your throat.

you nodded, your voice becoming hoarse as you came, back arching as kendall’s name rolled off your tongue easily—probably because you moaned it every time you used it on yourself.

kendall turned off the vibrator, pulling you up to soothe you and wipe the sweat off your body with a nearby towel. he kissed your forehead, realizing he had came in his pants. he was in deep for you.

[uncreativc]

*  ♡ ╰  wong yukhei. twenty three. cismale + he/him  ⁄   any time kendal zheng is in the test kitchen they play boogie by brockhampton. the leo sign has been working at that’s amore for two years as a sugar rusher. since then the ebullient has built a reputation for being goofy & bold but also childish & stubborn. could that be the the reason why their palate enjoys shrimp and pb & j sandwiches ? but it for sure explains why crude drawings on recipes, worn baseball hats, weird late night texts, being loudest person at a party remind me of them. ☇ mars. 18+. she/they. est.

yeah yeah go ahead and say it mars late mars never on time :rolls_eyes:. mars doesnt even know the concept of time so yeah thats who i am and yeah i orbit around nothing thats why my names mars. this is my Himbo kendal no relation to jenner but he might joke about being part of the kardashians. this took way longer than i wanted it too but thats okay watched a video the other day that was doing pokemon races and shuckle won so :D below will be like a semblance of a bio

P I N T E R E S T   |  D O S S I E R 

google searches include: how many teeth do i have, are we running out of almonds, why do people eat corn off the cob, how much would a pyramid cost, am i in a pyramid scheme, if you die on an operating table and come back to life is your birthday changed?

SUUUUPER competitve if there is challenge videos coming out you know hes trying to get in on that. stuck a marble up his nose once to prove he could do it put an entire cupcake in his massive ass mouth no one would stop him. ATE A SPOONFUL OF WASABI FOR WHAT?!

kendal is a middle child and it defintiely shows, their dumbass chaotic nature was definitely born out of being neglected and forgotten about. living in a shadow wasnt the greatest for them and then not even getting the attention of being a baby for long by his moms did their best to be equal with them all but kendal felt ****it****. they play it off as just being goofy and playful most of the time but he can get up to some real trouble when he feels like it. mostly out of just making bad decisions

too much energy - talks too much and is bad for interrupting he generally doesnt really have anything of use to add to a conversation other than weird stories, strange questions, and weird conspiracy theories but hes fun and loud and loves to be the centre of attention. this can be annoying honesly hes friendly and loyal he’d never turn someone down till the day he dies its just... bro is a lot to deal with sometimes hes so much of a loud ass clown and go against clearly something you told him not to do like jump up on a table leave a complete mess in the kitchen squeeze toothpaste in the middle of the tube. you know shit like that.

definitely is scared easily like you could easily scare him in the kitchen hes scared of the most stupid things like dark mirrors, his hair blowing off his body and landing on a dead body and him becoming a suspect for a murder. 

he loooooves camping which is kinda funny for someone who gets scared about the most irrational things. does he think a bear is gonna come and rip his tent apart? yeah probably but he still likes it. defintiely went to boy scouts growing up earned a lot of badges learned how to tie knots you know the usual. only had his moms cheat and make him patches like... once or twice. 

probably forgot it was your birthday or that you invited him out to something. you know the nana you have that never remembers and just sends random gifts and they say happy birthday. yeah thats him.

a little oblivious he wont know if youve caught feelings for him and assumes everything is just playful until otherwise told thats what he gets for flirting too much without even realizing. it gets him into trouble because people think they have something and he’s just like :O i thought we were just bros. maybe if he wasnt so flirty and dumb this wouldnt be a problem but its not going to stop him any time soon. hes very casually flirty with everyone he meets honestly. hes just a goof and a lot of times that shit comes off as super flirting and if you think it is.... youre right!

hes definitely more of a house party kind of guy or get his and sit on the back porch and launch water ballooons at a friend down on the ground. yeah he probably got a concussion from that once because he didnt realize that whiplash is a thing like a true idiot and it definitely knocked him out cold.

has a peanut allergy jokes about either living by the sword that he does not have but swears that he does or die by his peanut allergy.

likes mood rings pokemon cards and worm on a string. yes hes made people worm on a string before as pretty much a friendship bracelet. imagine a dude at a party blasted out of his mind coming up to you and handing you a worm on a string and saying youre his friend and that you deserve this. 

hes a cowboy grew up in the south and definitely plays that up loves dirt biking rock climbing and pretty much everything that doesnt entirely involve working on his farm like he doesnt like horses but does like goats you know? 

asked for an extension through email on his wiiu because he lost his computer somewhere

organized mess. you know that chapstick you dropped like three weeks ago he left it there because he knows exactly where it is. like he could just keep things tidy but what would be the fun in that. doesnt follow recipes like ever just kind of tries to eyeball and remember how things were made

WANTED CONS 

tinder date/ set ups that either led to something or didnt

good friend who hacked their instagram one night and started responding to dms just funny doesnt have to been anything crude. they do it to each other some nights like just hang out

hookups. good or bad. one night stand or on going.

party friends he gave them a worm on a string or something got really fucked up and they tried to make like exactly mcdonlds nuggets the boot ones all night

they stole something from your muse ( bike, spatula, idk anything )  and they caught them LSMDLSMDLMDSLM

they stayed up one night and tried to fully solve a cold case even went to the library so late that they got kicked out. it was a long night full of energy drinks and crazy theories. they still do this sometimes now.

crushes they can be mutual or one sided i really dont mind. like i said before danny kind of gets crushes really easily and they kind of just dissapear out of nowhere as well but like we could work something out

exes good bad or indifferent i really dont mind

old childhod friends could be from summer camp or an old teammate when he used to play more sports, could be literally anything i am down i love past connects 

roommates PLEASE

made edibles that were too strong together ended fucking them over for days

they movie hoped or dine and dashed together like i really dont mind just something funny 

someone he makes videos with id love to brainstorm a really stupid like alt series with another sugar rusher or maybe not even a sugar rusher im down for anything 

rock climbing/paint ball/laser tag friends? video games like smash or something theyre super competitve together 

im good for plotting anything 

[sleepingrenjun]

all of the autumn asks? 👉👈

lantern - how did you meet your best friend? what were your first impressions of eachother?

we met at school like 6 years ago or something but we’ve only been friends since December 2017 & best friends since last summer! she apparently thought I was intimidating & I thought she was a lil pretentious buT HEY BFF IF YA SEE THIS I LOVE U SO ITS OKAY 😂

frost - if you could give some advice to your younger self, what would you say?

answered here!

maple - is there a hobby/skill that you’ve always wanted to try but never did?

ngl I’ve been pretty keen on snowboarding for a while but I’ve never tried it! maybe I will this winter 🤷🏼‍♀️

harvest - what fictional character do you most identify with? why?

probably aelin galathynius from the ‘throne of glass’ book series! she’s feminine but also feisty and fierce, she’s strong & good at masking her emotions but is actually quite soft at times & I see a lot of that in myself! (I’ve answered this in more depth before here!)

fireside - if you had your dream wardrobe, what would it look like?

aghhhh I could literally spend all day answering this - I LOVE fashion! but to put it simply, I’d have a huge range of colours & I’d have loads of streetstyle, grunge & cosy clothing! not to mention I’d probably add to my already large doc marten collection & I’d have a section just for elaborate ballgowns cause why tf not 😂

cider - a food that you disliked as a child but now enjoy?

CURRY! I used to hate it and refuse to eat it but now I eat it like every week and whenever I go out for food w my dad we go to an Indian!!

amber - share an unpopular opinion that you may have.

answered here!

fog - how well do you think you’d do in a zombie apocalypse scenario?

I actually think I’d do pretty well! I’m quite good at keeping calm when other people are freaking out about something & I can be pretty sneaky when I need to be, idk I think I’d survive for a while but who knows 🤷🏼‍♀️

jack-o-lantern - if you could look like any celebrity, who would you choose?

I’d probably choose halsey or kendall jenner tbh they’re just absolutely gorgeous

spice - have you ever encountered a house that you believe to be haunted?

no I don’t think so! I don’t really believe in ghosts... (bet I just jinxed myself by saying that!!)

orchard - share one thing that you’d like to happen this autumn.

hmmmm ig I’d quite like to meet a new guy and yano see where it goes (ideally a musician cause I’m a sucker for musicians) but knowing me that ain’t gonna happen sooo

crow - which school subject do you wish you had an aptitude for?

mmm ngl I think I was pretty good at all the subjects I’d wanna be good at cause that’s where my interests lie... sciences weren’t my strongest point but I don’t care for them so I can’t really answer this 🤷🏼‍♀️

bonfire - describe your dream house.

I have 2! firstly, a light, airy rooftop apartment in Paris with a balcony overlooking the city & enough room for me and my best friend to live! but also, I dream of having a modern house in the Norwegian fjords right by the water, it’d have huge windows & lots of timber cladding & interesting spaces to explore & it’d have the most incredible views imaginable!

cinnamon - if you had to live in a time period different than the present, which would you choose and where?

okay I know it’s not that long ago but the 70s & 80s & probably in the uk! the music scene was amazing back then & roller skating & discos n all that fun shit they did during that period!!

cobweb - (if you’ve graduated) do you miss high school?

I graduated like 18 months ago & nah not at all, I miss my friends and a couple of teachers but that’s it!!

cranberry - what’s one physical feature that you get complimented on?

my hair! idk why but people like it apparently

maize - share the weirdest encounter you’ve had with a stranger on the street.

a couple of weeks ago I was out on a shoot in town (I study fashion photography) and this random guy came up and posed behind the girl I was photographing - he put his hand on her shoulder n started saying some weird shit, was proper creepy

quilt - how do you take your tea (or coffee?)

I just have a tiny drop of milk in my tea & if I have coffee then I either have a mocha (iced or hot) or just a plain latte!

pumpkin - do you think that humans are inherantly good or bad?

I believe that some are inherently good and some are inherently bad... not one or the other!

moonlit - are you a neat or messy person? Is your room / house orderly?

my room is pretty clean and orderly tbh but my mind is insanely messy!! (Idk if that makes sense but it does to me)

flannel - have you ever gone on a bad date?

yuppp my first date with my ex was pretty awful - the restaurant we went to fucked up our food order & then he forgot to take ID to the cinema and they wouldn’t let us in so it was an absolute disaster

cocoa - if you could have any type of hair, what colour and cut would you have?

I’d probably keep my natural colour or have it icy blonde!! I’d keep it around collarbone length (like it is now) and I’d have it messy-wavy instead of straight! (might have a fringe too if I was feeling daring)

ghost - is there someone that you miss having in your life?

yeah there are a couple of people I miss having in my life a lot

[softevan]

Ride Me Baby *Part 3* (Harry Styles Mature Mini Series)

Hiya guys, so finally I’m getting this chapter up. I am beyond over whelmed with the feedback ive been getting from this series and I cant be more thankful for you guys reading it and enjoying it! I hope you enjoy this chapter! –K

**WARNING, EXPLICIT AND DETAILED CONTENT, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK** +18

Word Count: 5,869

Y/N’s POV As I stood there speechless staring at Kendall as she was staring at Harry then glaring back at me like I had done something wrong. Has Harry been cheating on me with her this whole time? My heart started to sink at the thought. Harry and Kendall did date for a while but broke up because of the public always stalking them or taking pictures 24/7, so for all I know Harry might still have feelings for her and sleeping with her behind everyone’s backs. And by his reaction it seemed like he was happy to see her, even though I was standing right there. “Your faces are priceless, cant believe you fell for that one” Kendall started to laugh uncontrollably as she stood clapping her hands applauding her performance. “What the fuck Ken?” Harry’s face slightly changed into a crooked smile as he joined in with her laughter. “What are you doing here? Please come in” He steps backwards as she walked into our room, with her long legs and flat stomach that was on show under her crop top. She is so beautiful, why did he leave her for me? “Y/N?” My head shot up as I was startled out of my train of thought. “Sorry?” “How are you doing sweetie?” Kendall came over to great me with a hug, which I accepted. I had to. Ive never really sat down and got to know Kendall to know what she is like. She is so sweet and polite, I have no hate against her. But for some reason I don’t like her either. “Im good thanks how are you?” “Good, how are you guys enjoying your trip?” “Yeah its great, Y/N has always wanted to come here so I surprised her for our anniversary” Harry butted in as we walked into our kitchen. “Oh my god I’m so sorry I interrupted, I seen that you guys were here so I thought it would be rude not to come down and say hi” She giggled as her stare as with Harry through out the whole conversation. Now I know why I don’t like her. “Aw thank you for popping in Ken” His stare was with her, again. I don’t know whether I’m reading too much into this situation but with the atmosphere it seemed like he was glad to see her or something, I don’t know.

“Right I must head off and leave you guys to it, my flight leaves in like 3 hours and I still haven’t packed” “You haven’t changed at all” He started to laugh as he made his way over to the door to let her out. “It was nice seeing you too and have a good trip, bye Y/N” “Bye Kendall it was nice seeing you again” I smiled as I made my way into the bedroom again has he closed the door. I grabbed my hand luggage bag and set it on the bed trying to look for my bikini for going out and having a quiet dip in the pool. I still cant believe that happened to the honest. I mean I know he wouldn’t do anything, but she could. “Going into the pool, love?” “Yeah” He made his way over to my back as he wrapped his hands around my waist, kissing my shoulders. “May I join?” He smirked as his kisses got higher on my neck. Normally I would just sink into him, but I don’t know, something didn’t feel right. I pulled away from him as I went to my other bag still trying to find the bikini. “Yeah you can if you want to” I mumbled. “Y/N are you okay?” The concern started to rise on his face as he walked towards me once again. “Yeah I’m fine Harry” He quickly got in front of me before I tried to walk away again. “Cmon, I’m not that stupid. Is it because of Kendall?” I sighed as I looked down at his hands that were on my waist. “No no not at all, I mean, yeah I found it weird her being here but there’s nothing wrong, really” I looked up at him smiling, but yet again, not fooling him. “You sure?” “Of course, its our anniversary, I’m more than happy” I wrapped my arms around his neck as I pulled on the ends of his hair. “Good, because I still need to eat breakfast” “Oh that’s okay we can go down to their restaurant, I’m sure they have watermelon I kno-“ “No I think ive got what I wanna eat right here” He cupped me as them filthy words came from his lips. “Harry cmon seriously” I started to laugh as his hands wrapped round my waist tighter. “Okay fine, ill get you later, you sexy little babe” He smacked my ass as he strutted away back into the kitchen. **A few days later** Harry’s POV I cant believe our time here in Bora Bora is nearly over, I loved every second of it. Being here with Y/N has been the best trip I’ve ever been on, well excluding being with the lads on tour and that. As our last day came to an end, we both decided to have one last romantic meal together at this restaurant which was located outside near the water, out looking the sunset and the lights brightening up the whole area, it was just the perfect way to end the trip. As I was waiting for Y/N to get ready I went into the bathroom to fix my hair and make sure I looked well decent. As I came walking back out of the bathroom and into the living room I was beyond shocked to see my beautiful girlfriend standing before me wearing a silky cream dress that fitted her body to perfection, with a cut down her leg showing her sexy legs. “Wow” I was literally speechless, I cant believe that this is my girlfriend, why did she settle for someone like me? “You are absolutely stunning baby” She came walking towards me as she was putting in her diamond earrings that I got her for her birthday, just set the whole look off. “Thank you Harry” Her hands brushed off of my shirt has they moved their way around my torso. “You look so handsome H” “Thank you baby, you ready to go?” “Yeah” Y/N seemed abit distant with me this past couple of days near the end of the trip, but maybe she didn’t wanna leave. But regardless I’m going to make this the best night of this whole trip. I took her hand as we walked down to the pier to get on a boat which took us down to the restaurant. We sat down with Y/N’s favourite wine sitting at her side, which she weirdly didn’t comment on. “I cant believe this vacation is nearly ending, what do you think of bora bora? Did you enjoy the trip?” I wanted to quiz her and see what is wrong with her. She has never been like this with me the whole time we have been together. Well we haven’t had an argument the whole time we have been together, but lets hope we can keep this going. “Yeah Harry it was amazing, thank you for everything” Her face was down facing her dinner plate, something defiantly isn’t right here. “Y/N what is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?” “Excuse me” She finally looks up at me when I take a different tone to this conversation. “You’ve been acting weird the last couple of days and ive been trying to brush it off but today you’ve been very distant. What have I done to you?” “Harry, honestly its fine” “Its obviously not fine if your acting like this, cmon Y/N tell me” Her face started to turn red at this conversation, so many different scenarios are running through my mind as to what could happen tonight. “Cant it wait until we get home and have a nice meal, please?” Her voice raised as her eyes glared at me with this unusal look in them. “Well its kinda ruined now with this atmosphere right now don’t you think?” My voice raised as my temper started to rise. “I cant read minds you know, if you’ve got a problem or something on your mind tell me.” My hands hit off of the table with temper, I feel like I am going to explode with rage. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her as her eyes glazed over with tears. She moved her chair out and stood up wiping her eyes as she ran off to the boat. “Y/N” I yelled back at her, what is wrong? Y/N POV Once I got into our room I slammed the door with rage, tears running down my face. Why cant he just leave me alone? Having all these emotions in my mind, thinking of what could happen, what will happen, and what he will say. Speaking to him at the minute would just push me over the edge. Trying to be positive and having a great trip was all I wanted, then will Kendall showing up was the thing that ruined it. I instantly changed into sweats and cramped everything in my suitcase. I don’t know about him but I cant stay here another minute, at this point I don’t really care what he does. I just want to get home. I heard the door to our room slam closed and then seen Harry making his way into the bedroom. “Look Y/N about what hap- Y/N what are you doing?” “Im leaving” “Y/N don’t be so dramatic” That’s when I snapped. “Harry. I cant do this anymore” His face dropped at my words. “What?” “I just cant stand her and lie to you and say that I’m happy with us when I’m not” I threw my suitcase on the floor with a sigh. This is going to be a long argument. “What I mean is, on Tuesday, when we got here, who was the first person that came to the door? Kendall. Don’t get me wrong here, she seems like a lovely girl, but I can see it in your eyes that you think so too. The way you looked at her Harry. I know you are still in love with her” “What are you on about?” “I know love is something that you cant switch off, I know that’s the way you feel about her, because that’s the way you used to look at me when we first got together” His face was emotionless, the complete opposite reaction I was hoping for deep down. “Y/N, I don’t know what to say” “You don’t have to say anything else” I made my way over to him and took his hands. “Harry I love you, so fucking much, but I know you love her more” “Y/N that’s not true you know th-“ “I know you love her more. I know your guys’s history. Its deep and passionate. And I know that she feels the same. Its not about what you say its about what you do. Im not hurt by it at all, you can say that you want to leave and get back together with her, and id be okay with that. But just tell me right here right now, do you still love Kendall? I just need to hear it” He took my shoulders in his arms and stared at me, into my soul. “Y/N your having a laugh. You are so stupid. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but cmon” I stood there, looking at him. With him not denying it. I did have a bit of hope thinking it was all in my head. That’s when I lost it. “I love you. Yes me and Kendall do have a past and I get why you would feel paranoid or doubtfull. I get that. I would be the same if your ex came to out door when its meant to be our anniversary trip. I get that 100%. But Y/N you need to know..” His face changed as he looked down at our hands intertwined. “Yes, I still love Kendall, she was the love of my life. I thought she was the one for me. That’s what everyone feels when the are with someone and wants to be with them for the rest of their lives. And your right, them feelings will never go away.” The tears started to form in my eyes as his stare burned into me. “But Y/N, when I met you, my feelings had changed. I had met the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, right there. I didn’t know you but I knew I had to have you. I knew that you had to be mine. I have no regrets and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I love you so fucking much you have no idea” “Harry.. You know I love you too” He let go of my hands as he started to walk towards his jacket. “If you had been just patient with me and made me do this tonight you would have got your answer as to who I wanna be with” He took out this bright baby blue box that had tiffany’s written on it. There is no way. My face started to light up immediately as he came walking over to me, unwrapping the ribbon from around it. “Y/N, I wanted to do this tonight at dinner but with everything that happened I didn’t feel like it was something that you wanted. But now I know” His face started to show nervousness on it has he got down on one knee and took my hand. “Y/N, will you marry me?” “Of course I will Harry” I jumped as he got up off of the floor, taking my hand as he opened the box, showing me the most perfect ring that I could ever lay my eyes on. The tears rolled down my cheeks as he placed the sparkling most gorgeous princess cut diamond I have ever seen. With the diamonds wrapped around the main stone it made it glisten more in the light. This is the exact ring I have always hoped for when I got engaged. But most importantly, the guy that was giving me the ring, now that was perfection. “Oh mu god Harry, I cant believe this” His hands cupped my face as his lips caressed mine delicately. “Shall we celebrate?” His hands moved from my face straight to my bum, cupping it and pulling my body against his clothed center. “Celebrating me becoming your wife, I think that does need abit of a celebration..” My arms wrapped around his shoulders as I pulled him in to kiss me deeper than ever before. This man is going to be my husband, I’m still in utter shock, I should never go with my gut feeling from now on. He loves me. I love him more. What more could you want? “Shall we go for a swim in the pool, love?” “Ill get my bikini on” I whispered in his ear has I removed him from me, walking back to the bathroom to wear his favorite bikini, red. “Aw baby after a few minutes you’ll not need it” He commented flirtatiously as he removed his clothes in record time. Bar his underwear. “Ill meet you in the pool in 5 minutes Styles” I shouted as I took off my clothes. This is going to be fun. The next morning after our romantic and intimate celebrations, we just lay in our bed together with the satin sheets wrapped around our naked bodies. I just couldn’t take my eyes off of Harry, just taking in every single feature of him. His long eyelashes, tanned skin and soft snores coming through his lips, I knew that harry was the one for me since day one, but now that this is all happening it’s made it more real for me that he is going to be my husband, and I am beyond cloud 9 right now. I slowly rested my head on his chest as I felt his chest rise and lower with each breathe he took. My fingers were drawing shapes faintly on his naked chest as he continued to sleep, listening to the birds chirping and loving every last minute of our vacation together. “Morning beautiful” I looked up to see Harry’s eyes glaring into mine with sleep still lingering in them. “Morning Harry” I crawled up to give him a good morning kiss as his hands started to move lower to the bottom of my back. “I can’t believe we’re leaving here today, wish I could live here” I pouted. I made my way out of the bed, with great effort might I add, and made my way over to grab my satin robe, draping it over me. Harry got up and put on his boxers and made his way over to me while I was looking at my phone. “Hey get off that thing, I hate when your stuck to your phone, it’s not good for you” his arms clung to my waist as his chin sat on my shoulder glancing  down at my phone. “I know, was just checking to see if I got any texts from my family that’s all” I turned round and gave him a kiss and I smacked his tight little booty. “Hey that’s not very nice, what did my bum ever do to you?” “It looked better than mine” I replied as I bit my lip smirking and walked out of the bedroom. “Believe me baby it defiantly doesn’t compare to yours” he shouted with my giggles filling the kitchen in response. Harry’s POV Leaving Bora Bora is the hardest thing to do because it has the most incredible memory there. But also one of the most heartbreaking too, I mean I wish we didn’t have that fight before I purposed. I wish I had done it the day before or something, but then again if I knew that we were going to have an argument about Kendall, would have I purposed at all? I carried our luggage into the private jet and set it down on the nearest seat I could find. “Wow Y/N what did you bring, your house?” “Haha very funny” she mocked as she sat down and getting herself comfy for the flight. As the plane took off and we had nothing but time to think things over and talk about the wedding, I just was constantly thinking about how I could have made the proposal better and regretting how it went down. What are we going to tell everyone how it happened when we get home? Like I’m a romantic guy and I wish I didn’t do it like that, but I love her and I didn’t wanna let the fight get too dangerous, I knew where it was going so I had to save it. “Harry are you okay? Your very quiet” my head shot up with her voice startling me out of my trance. “Of course baby, I’m just tired I guess” she got up off of her seat and made her way over to me. “I know we didn’t even get enough sleep last night, hope it was worth it though” she smirked down at me as she played with my hair, pulling it slightly in between her fingers. She knows how that makes me feel, that really gets me going. “It was so worth it baby” I pulled her head down while she was laughing to kiss her rosé lipstick coloured lips. My hands roamed around her bare legs and made their way up her sexy floral skirt which she knows that I am crazy for. Her moans started to escape from her mouth the closer I got to her heat. And my god was she hot. She moved her leg over so she was straddling me and made her way down to kiss me again, deepening it more. I love where this was going. “Baby we could get caught” I whispered as her lips went down my neck, sending shivers down my spine. “Isn’t that the thrill of the whole thing?” She was so right, that would get me off in 2 minutes and she knows that. I suddenly pulled her body closer to mine as she continued to bite and lick at my neck making more moans escape her lips. My hands made their way up and around her bum as I felt the goosebumps raise above her skin, so soft. My hands lifted to smack and kneed her bum making her moan with pleasure, I forgot that she loves that more than me, she’s so kinky and sexy but yet so innocent. She moved back a little towards my knees and her hands made their way down to unbuckle my belt and undo my trousers while she kept kissing me deeply. Her cold hands got me and she started to stroke from base to tip, so slowly and hard at the same time. My hands went directly to her tiny waist and I tried to bring her body towards mine as she pumped my dripping dick, but no, she was in charge. “Do you want me to suck you off or do you want me to ride you?” “Ride baby ride, please” I begged as her pumps became faster, but got slow when she got to my head, she is such a tease. “As you wish.” She lifted her body again so her heat was down parallel to my dick which was hitting off of my lower abdomen. My hands went directly to her bum again but this time went straight to her thong and pushed it to the side, I have to time to take it off, I need her now. She took my dick and sank down on it so slowly and deep. “Fuck Y/N your so tight” her whimpers spilled out from her lips as my hands pushed on her hips so I was as deep inside her as I could get. She started to grind on me flicking my dick in and out of her slowly while she started to kiss me deeply to stop both of our moans becoming too loud. Y/N’s pussy lips felt amazing around me as she started moving faster, jumping up and down on my hard dick. When she was jumping on my dick her hands started roaming around her own body. Rubbing her nipples and running her hands through her hair, she knows that her actions like that really make me wanna cum so fast. She grabbed my hands and brung them up to her mouth, she stuck some of my fingers in her mouth and sucked them while she was riding me to my high. I wish I could keep this in my mind forever. I pulled her down and moved my body down half way so I was kind of lying down on the seat and started to pound into her quicker and deeper. Her hands again were roaming around her own body, then made their way down to her bundle of nerves that really make her dripping for me. The more she done these things the quicker I was going to bust my load and she knew that I liked seeing her get herself off let alone watching her getting me off. “Fuck I’m goin to come, fuck me faster please” she moaned loudly which made me grab her mouth in my hands. Her moans got louder when my hand pushed against her mouth to help muffle the sound. It still didn’t make it any quieter and I didn’t even care. My hips got erratically faster and more intense when the burn started to fill my cock, I could feel my load filling her up as she continued to ride me and play with her clit. My hand that was once on her face traveled lower to her neck, grabbing it while I still was cumming inside of her. Her mouth was wide open with pleasure but no sound was escaping. Her body started to shake as her high was approaching. I took my dick out and pulled her on top of my face and pushed her hips down. “Oh my god Harry I’m fucking your face holy fuck” my fingers took straight to her pussy and my tongue went straight to her clit, rubbing it so intensely that she was grinding on my face when she start cumming everywhere, with her juices flowing right out of her. When he was finished I worked my way to her hole and licked her clean. “Well that was defiantly a good end to the vacation” I commented as she got up and went back to sit down in her seat, moving her blanket over her legs so I couldn’t see them still shaking with the pleasure. “No it was a good start to much more engagement sex” “Really? So can I get another round in?” I smirked up at her as I tucked my now soft dick back into my trousers before anyone seen anything. “Maybe you could bend me over the sink, but maybe another day” “Your such a tease” She giggled as she went on her phone, but my dick was starting to get hard again. The plane was about to land and I can’t get out with a hard on in my trousers. “Well if your not going to help me with my problem I’m just guna have to go into the bathroom and rub one out” I got up and was about to walk towards the bathroom when she suddenly jumped up and grabbed my once again hard dick. “Okay you can defiantly bend me over the sink then” “That’s my girl” We finally arrived in LA after our long plane flight, which defiantly was an enjoyable flight with her screaming my name for hours, my favourite sound by far. We were just heading out of the aeroplane and inside the airport to our car. I look over to Y/N to see her face in nervousness and fear. Y/N  never liked the paps or too many people that are too close to her, she’s always had been like this from the moment I met her. “You okay?” I gazed over at her as we were walking in through the gate. “Yeah I’m fine, just can’t wait to get home” her nervous laughter leaves her mouth and she looks straight towards me. “Just hold my hand and I’ll keep you safe, don’t worry I won’t let anything happen to you” I pulled her hand and intertwined our fingers as we walked out through to the exit, obviously paps and fans surrounding us. I pulled Y/N’s arm towards my back and led her out without any bother. “Y/N how do you feel about Harry cheating on you with Kendall” “Y/N is it true you too got engaged?” “Harry how can you cheat on Y/N” I can’t believe what is being said right now, i just need to get her into the car and give her some peace and quiet again. I hope these paps aren’t bringing back these thoughts. Y/N’s POV Being bombarded with people surrounding me with flashing cameras and yelling out our names, it always made me feel uneasy. But today it felt different. The paps were yelling things that I didn’t expect them to say. Why would they come out with these accusations when they don’t even know what has been said behind closed doors. Maybe something did happen with them when we were together. Harry grabbed my arm and brought me straight to our car and sped off onto the route to his house. I just couldn’t stop repeating what that one guy said to us. “Y/N how do you feel about Harry cheating on you with Kendall” I mean why else would he say that unless he had proof. But I’m not guna question it, they are always looking for ways to break us up. We finally got home after our quiet journey home. I’m not sure wether I just didn’t wanna talk or I was tired, but it seemed like I didn’t feel right about this. “It’s so good to be home” Harry unlocked the door and flung the door open to our beautiful LA penthouse apartment. I went straight into the bedroom to get changed into my sweats once me and H brung in our suitcases. “I’m so tired I could just pull you in under the covers and lye here with you forever” he walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me. I know for a fact he felt that I was tense, I mean he knows my every mood and thought before I have a chance to realise, so there isn’t a hope that he won’t pick it up. “You okay? You seem quiet since we got off the plane” “Yeah I’m fine, just tired too I guess” I pushed his arms away from me and moved towards the kitchen again. I just can’t look at him without bursting into tears or some kind of emotion. “Cmon Y/N tell me what is it? I can’t guess these things you know” his giggle made it seem like this was a joke. That really got me upset. “Look Harry I know that the paps say stuff to get into your head and to make you try and confess something or twist your words or whatever. But I just can’t shake what that guy said to us out of my head. I’m sorry but I just don’t think I can ever get her out of my head” “Wait, what are you on about?” “Harry I love you, so fucking much you have no idea, but the fact that people are saying stuff about you and Kendall, and even seeing the way you too look at each other, I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m getting in the way of something that could be, you know, real” his face dropped as I was telling  my emotions and thoughts, I just knew what his response would be. “Are you seriously bringing this up, I mean you have got to me kidding me. Y/N I don’t know what else to say to you than what I’ve already said. Just get over what people are telling you and just move on with us” “How would you feel if my ex was coming to see me all the time and the paps and media shouting out that I am sleeping with him behind your back, huh? I know for a fact that it wouldn’t go down well for you” “But at least I could trust you and say yeah he wants you but I know that you wouldn’t do anything to break us or hurt me.” I looked at him in disbelief. I just can’t believe that this is all coming out now, as to how he feels about this whole situation. “I would never ever hurt you Y/N, you know that this whole thing is fucking bullshit. You can’t listen to what they say and doubt the things that I have told you” he walked closer to me as the tears started to form in my eyes. I hate arguing with Harry but this fight was enviable. “If you don’t trust me then I don’t see the point in getting married at all” his face turned red with fury as he walked out and slammed the bedroom door. I stood and waited until I heard the front door slam shut. I fell to the floor on my knees, just in shock to what happened. I can’t loose Harry. I love that man too much for anything to happen to us. I crouched on the floor and I cried and cried until I had no energy left. Maybe he is right, if I can’t trust him then what’s the point in this relationship. A few hours passed, which felt like an eternity, I ended up sitting on my bed, just thinking every tiny detail over in my head as to what made me even doubt that he would see Kendall behind my back or have any intention to do so. He purposed to me, not Kendall. He asked me to move in with him, not Kendall. Thinking about this over and over in my head, why did I ever feel insecure in our relationship when all he did was showed me he loved me and nothing else? I jumped up and threw on my Nike trainers and decided to go and find Harry and make this work. I made a huge mistake and I need to fix this right now. I ran to the kitchen incase I didn’t hear him come home, which didn’t happen. I grabbed my phone and dialled his number, which went straight to answer phone. I rang Gemma and Niall, none of them had heard from him today. Well even though they are both in London I would like to have thought that he would have rang them about this. I ran downstairs and went outside to have a look around. I didn’t really know this part of LA so I didn’t really know where I was going. I looked at my phone to make sure he didn’t text me or let me know if he was okay, but my inbox was blank. At this point it was a lost cause. I was about to go back inside and wait for him until something caught my eye. I mean someone. Harry coming out of the coffee shop right beside our house. I began to run towards him, shouting out his name. But then I stopped in my tracks. He got into a black Range Rover. But not just any black Range Rover. Kendall’s.

Again a massive cliffhanger!! But don’t worry it gets better, hopefully haha. Thank you to everyone who has been patient with this piece. I had uploaded it and deleted it so many times because I was just not happy with the way it turned out. But I hope you enjoy this chapter!

I am thinking of changing the name of this series, simply because it has no real meaning to it, so if you have any suggestions please feel free to gimmie a wee message in my ask box and I will get back to you! Thank you my angels and I will upload again by the end of the week! -K xxx

[beatrice-otter]

[IMAGE ID: screencap of a series of tweets by Mikki Kendall @Karnythia on July 19 2017. "I am fascinated by how many people have assumed the kid having the tantrum on the train is on the spectrum & thus needs extra patience. I can say with some authority a Black kid on the spectrum having that same issue wouldn't get half as much patience nor would his parent. My youngest is on the spectrum. He had a tantrum in our house when he was 2. My white neighbor threatened to call the cops on me. But okay When I tell you that my kids couldn't act that way? That's totally the voice of experience. Because Black boys on the spectrum can't do that At least not if you want to avoid being reported to DCFS or having them handcuffed at school or you know..shot by a cop. Just syaing. This is the voice of a bitter Black mom speaking though. Because I spend 2-3 days every year at his school dealing with racist assumptions. Black boys do not get to have tantrums in public. They do not get to have them at school either. No matter what's going on. Trust me on that Because (and here is indeed a fuck you very much) they will get killed if they cannot control themselves. No matter what's going on. I have to make sure kid #2 doesn't have a meltdown in public, isn't too loud at home either. We live in the hood for a reason. If he's having a rough day? My neighbors won't call the cops. They will look out for him. But then they're Blac & they get it. We literally work with him constantly on impulse control & self soothing. Because I want him to live past 20. There's no compassion for kids like my son. My patience for your white ass feelings about Black parenting is pretty much nonexistent. I'm a hardass. I know that. I do. But then I've had a dozen giant red warning signs that my kid can't stay alive if he's not in control. Get at me when your kid on the spectrum has a meltdown & you get a call about the possibility of charges being pressed for yelling. Because he's tall & Black & repeated the same profanity as all the other kids involved in the fight. Call me when you realize he's at risk. I want you to sit at a table and listen to an adult white woman tell you she doesn't like teaching your kid because he's scare at 8. Not that he's been violent or threatening. Nope. He just yelled at her one day after she blamed him for being bullied. Go to that meeting. Get a call about your kid being a problem because he's too flat when he speaks. Not that he's done anything. They don't like his voice Have the "We're going to write him up for trespassing" conversation because your kid sat in an empty classroom to study. Have that call. My kids get good grades. They don't do half the shit I did. But I have two sons & I stay in their schools keeping them safe from admins. Meanwhile one of my neighbors did 10 years for attempted murder. He's got no training. But he stops & chats with every kid on our block He warns them off gangs & listens when they're made. He helped teach kid #2 to throw a football. Because he knows how easy it is to get lost The grace you show to white kids? Try showing it to all kids. Our girls aren't grown at 5 & our boys aren't weapons at birth. END ID]

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelor, season twenty-two, episode six: i had falling slowly stuck in my head the entire time i wrote this

Oh god.

We’re in Paris.

The most romantic city on Earth.

I literally cannot see straight because my eyes keep rolling and rolling and rolling. Are these broads sleeping on a boat? I’m pretty sure they’re sleeping on a boat. We see Chris Harrison, excited for his first real international vacation in a few weeks, pretending he can tolerate Arie as usual. Arie’s like, “I’m falling in love with some of these women.” We finally see this person called Jacqueline, who looks like Cristin Milioti1, who somehow made it to the halfway point without ever being seen on camera. I’m pretty certain Jacqueline really is Cristin Milioti and she literally took time off to shoot that crazy episode of Black Mirror and came back at the halfway point. CONSPIRACY THEORY.

Krystal is positive and enthusiastic and honestly, she’s going home this week on a two-on-one and we haven’t even confirmed this week’s dates.

Speaking of, Chris Harrison takes a break from touring the Louvre to let the girls know there’s four dates instead of three this week - two one-on-ones, a group date, and a two-on-one.

My tummy rumbled when he said two-on-one, because let’s be real - it’s the thing we look forward to most in any season. They might as well call it The Battle To The Death.

Everyone knows Krystal is going on the two-on-one, even herself. It’s amazing that she even has that much self-awareness. Oh, but there’s a date card!!!!!!!!!

It goes to The Last Remaining Lauren, which is what I have basically started calling her. I was hoping we’d run out of Laurens by this point, but I guess I was mistaken. All these girls looked the same this season, it was hard, okay?

Arie picks TLRL up from the boat, and they speed away in the gondola. All the girls are basically like...

And they’re right.

If Arie is a wet pair of boat shoes, Lauren is a Marilyn Monroe poster in a college dorm room.

Arie’s like, “this is going to be an incredible date!” and then they walk around Paris in silence. Like, monosyllabic answers. Arie’s concerned that she’s not super into him. Meanwhile, back with the girls, Tia and Kendall are hopeful that Lauren opens up on her date, because she takes a while to get comfortable. Arie’s literally like, “Lauren, I have a crush on you. I want you to like me.”

Why? Because she asked you your favorite color once?

... Oh, it’s because she looks like someone he’s dated. Someone whose name rhymes with Memily Shmaynard.

At the Boatel (Boat Hotel), all the girls are waiting to see who’s next for the date. Jacqueline puts a T so hard on the word geT that I am now fully convinced she is Acclaimed Trained Actress of Stage And Screen Cristin Milioti, as that affectation is very theatrical, very Katherine Hepburn2. There’s a date card! Becca K, Seinne, Tia, Chelsea, and Jenna are going on the group date.

That leaves Kendall and Grammy Award Winner Cristin Milioti to find out who’s going on the two-on-one with Arie. Neither girl has had a one-on-one, so this is messyyyyyyy. Krystal thinks it’s a little “unfair” to have either girl on a two-on-one with her, and I love her the most in this episode.

Arie and TLRL’s date starts with him talking about how busy it was in Paris that day. Oh my GOD I would rather go to a lecture about dentistry than ever hang out with these people. Lauren’s got trust issues so that makes her push guys away, and then Arie’s like, “let me top THAT, boring girl!” He had a girlfriend who was pregnant with his child, and when he left for a race, she lost the baby and told him she wasn’t going to be there when he got back. In response, Lauren’s like, “my parents’ marriage was rough, oh and I was engaged before but it didn’t work out.”

I have never chuckled at such an obtuse response like I did at that moment.

Lauren, for whatever reason, gets a rose. Like, I really think it’s interesting how even if the chemistry isn’t there (at least in my opinion), Arie’s really trying to make this shit work with Lauren. Compared to the last time he went on a one-on-one with the other Lauren, he was just... there. He didn’t really try at all. Huh.

The girls meet Arie and they’re all convinced they’re doing a fashion show. They walk over to the Moulin Rouge, and they say what everyone says - “oh, it’s not that big.” Like, have you ever seen a Baz Luhrmann film3?? If the Moulin Rouge was as big as he made it look in the movie it would be a part of the Paris skyline. They enter and are greeted by dancers, who are provacatively dressed, and the girls are going to learn a Cabaret routine.

They could have stayed in America and gotten Sonja Morgan and the quality would have been the same. It also would have been a charitable donation4!

Seinne is a professional trained dancer and she’s in her element, of course. Bekah’s process is “Wrong But Strong”, which has always worked for me5. Jenna’s loving it, but Tia’s hating it. She gives up on the dance almost straight away. The girls are taken upstairs to put on costumes - headdresses and thongs, my new favorite clothing store - and Jenna, Bekah and Seinne are living for the glamour, while Becca K is given a huge headdress with feathers and it looks heavy.

The girls perform a routine for Arie, and whoever is deemed best will get to perform on stage with Arie at the Moulin Rouge later on that evening. I love the black box they put over every girl’s butt, it’s my new favorite character. But I have a weird problem with this prize - what if someone has crippling stage fright? Are we really going to put someone in an anxiety-inducing situation like that in order for television?

Wait, I forgot this show has zero integrity.

At the after-after-after-after-after party, Arie makes sure to let them know that the rose that evening will be given on their connection and not on the performance. Tia can’t help but compare her relationship with Arie to everyone else’s. Meanwhile, we’re setting up the back-end conflict, which will effectively be about Bekah’s age. Chelsea’s like, “She’s 22, and I’m 29 AND I HAVE A BABY.” In case we had forgotten about her having a baby, the only words we’ve seen come out of her mouth all season.

Bekah M. gets the rose, and we’re tortured with Arie doing a Valentina-level bad lip-sync at the Moulin Rouge. They should have given Arie a mask or not had him LIP-SYNC IN FRENCH if he didn’t know the words! God, it’s like Valentina contributed nothing to the world.

At the Boatel, Krystal approaches Lauren, Kendall, and Star of Season Two of FX’s Fargo Cristin Milioti with a date card.

Two women.

One rose.

One stays, one goes.

Kendall and Krystal, let’s get the fuck into it.

Krystal is wearing sailor pants and a crushed velvet top and Kendall is wering a cold-shoulder jumpsuit, so I guess this is how you dress to kill or whatever. They meet Arie in the French countryside, and shit’s already tense. As if this wasn’t enough of a battle, Arie leads them to a literal labyrinth and tells them to come find him. This show sometimes just tries to smack you in the face with a metaphor. Kendall gets lost, and Krystal is successful.

Oh no.

Arie says this is Krystal’s last chance because of her behavior last week, and essentially gave her the two-on-one as punishment. He was really mad about her talking shit about him last week and she’s got a lot to prove. He would rather her come directly to him instead of putting him blast to everyone else, which is entirely a reasonable and decent opinion to have. Krystal apologizes sincerely and promises to work on it. They kiss and make up, and then Krystal proceeds to tell Arie that Kendall might not be ready to get married at the end of all of this.

KRYS. (hand-clapping emoji) TAL. (hand-clapping emoji)

GIRL, NO.

You had it all locked away and you fucked it up by going immediately into Shit Talking Mode. The minute you got your mouth on his you should have shut it the fuck down. She really thinks she’s so slick.

Arie almost immediately goes to Kendall and is like yo, she’s talking mad shit over here! And y’all, Kendal proceeded to come for my heart and my brain and I adore her. I’m sorry for shit talking her ukulele. I’m sorry for calling her a basic Pinterest girl. Kendall might be the most emotionally mature contestant to appear on this show to date and I have no shame in saying so. She tells Arie that the entire basis of Krystal’s argument is stupid because - who operates on a timeline like that? No one wakes up and is like, “Okay, I’m ready for love today. I wasn’t ready yesterday, but I’m ready for love today.” You find someone that you can see a future with and that’s how love works. And Kendall is pissed.

She heads over to Krystal, who is sitting with a coupe of champagne peacefully on a couch outdoors. She asks Krystal why she feels she’s not ready to get married, and Krystal says she doesn’t know, and Kendall’s like, YEAH DUH. And in situations where Krystal feels like she’s been backed in a corner, she lashes out and tries to hurt other people in order to get the heat off of her. She reminds Kendall of an ex of hers who used words as weapons in arguments, and reminds us all:

Saying the most hurtful thing... doesn’t mean you win. It just means you hurt somebody.

She takes Krystal’s hand and tells her she knows she’s experienced a lot of pain in her life and needs to stop trying to maintain an image of perfection and composure. I loved this because sometimes the two-on-ones are just savagery, but Kendall maintained her dignity and basically said, “What you did hurt me. I understand why you felt hurt and why you needed to attack someone, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been hurt too.” And it feels out of place because empathy and compassion is rare thing on this show.

God, I want so badly to be Kendall in this moment, but I’m so much like a Krystal. I hate that.

Krystal has no response. And because Krystal has no response and the producers aren’t getting the explosion they desire, Arie’s decided to extended the two-on-one into dinner instead of sending anyone home. At dinner before Arie arrives, Krystal’s trying to appeal to Kendall by saying they have similar beliefs, but as soon as Kendall rejects that notion, she’s like, “you were patronizing. “ Kendall DGAF, though. She’s there for Arie, and Krystal’s an emotionally stunted Thighmaster, so. That’s that.

Arie arrives and it’s still tense. Krystal tries to say something really really flowery and apologize to Kendall in front of him to secure her fate. Arie takes Kendall aside and we don’t see the conversation?????????????? They come back, her lipstick is gone, and Arie gives Kendall the rose. I cackle.

They leave Krystal alone at the dining table. We see the girls at the Boatel celebrating as Krystal’s suitcase is rolled away by a PA.

The next day6, Jacqueline, The Artist Formerly Known As the Mother From How I Met Your Mother, Cristin Milioti, is nervous about going on her date. Arie rolls up in a red convertible to pick her up, which promptly breaks down. We literally know nothing about her since she’s just back from working with Charlie Brooker and Jesse Plemons, and Arie has her try on dresses and walk down a staircase.

On their date, Arie admits that he was a little frightened by Cristin Milioti Who You May Remember As Sexy Baby on 30 Rock because she’s so smart, and that’s why it took so long to get her on a one-on-one. He didn’t want to come across as insecure around her. It’s weird because again, we have seen none of her, and they seem to actually get along and have a rapport. She tells him she’s not even close to being done with her educational goals - it takes six years to complete her Ph.D - and it’s a concern for him, because he’d like a partner he can move to Scottsdale and start crankin out shorties with ASAP.

I mean, I get it - he’s thirty-six, time’s running out. And it’s not like a Ph.D is the easiest thing in the world to get - it takes a lot of time and a lot of emotional energy. I don’t know if I’d be able to do that when I was newly married or engaged to someone I barely knew. Like, if she was closer to the end of her program, maybe. But she hasn’t even started. He doesn’t want to hold her back, but... he’s willing to go the distance with her. He says, “I don’t really see her ambition as a hindrance. It’s just another obstacle to get through together.”

And I hate him all over again. I mean, an obstacle? That’s an interesting choice of words there, buddy. I hate Arie because he seems to have good instincts and have great intentions and when he sees red flags he investigates but HE IS SO BAD AT WORD CHOICE. Ugh.

Star of Wolf of Wall Street Cristin Milioti gets a rose.

There’s no cocktail party this week - we head directly into the Rose Ceremony, where three girls have roses, and three girls are staying. Tia, Seinne, and Becca all get roses, and Someone’s Mom Chelsea gets sent off to be a mother7, and Jenna, who I liked but am fine with never seeing again, disappears into the ether.

We’re off to Tuscany next week, and Lauren’s bitch flower is beginning to bloom. We see her talking to a producer in a corner about how pissed off she is, and how terrified she is that Arie will pick someone else. Oh, now we see who you are, Lauren.

Next Week: Tuscany!!! It’s the week before hometowns, so pressure’s on. Everyone’s crying.

And Later This Season: Someone’s there to propose to someone. Someone’s parents are concerned about Arie’s intentions. And finally... a shot of Arie on a couch while someone’s sobbing in the background.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

WHY DID WE SEE MORE OF TLRL THIS EPISODE THAN BECCA? Ugh. Do not disappear my Becca.

Krystal elevated herself to likeable villain in her exit episode. I loved that.

Seinne is the Sharleen of this season.

I rdesperately need to know the conversation that Arie and Kendall had right before kicking Krystal off.

What happened to Kendall’s rose on the two on one?

Is this the best cast of hair we’ve had on this show ever? Bekah’s groundbreaking short pixie, Jacqueline’s gorgeous Mariah Carey in 1988 mane…

Arie has more chemistry with literally the nine other girls left than he does with Lauren, the one he seems to WANT the most.

Is it just me or is this season full of the most dopplegangers yet? ↩︎

I purred this demurely with my lips pursed, just in case you were wondering. ↩︎

I high-key love the 1996 Romeo + Juliet, which I recently learned is a hot take opinion. But also, I will never forgive the 2013 Gatsby. Ever. What did Joel Edgerton do to deserve that? Then again, Tobey Mcguire deserves no better than that film. Ugh. ↩︎

I love Sonja. This is a little mean. ↩︎

Yeah, my inability to be incorrect is a problem??? ↩︎

Presumably, time is a construct on this show. ↩︎

God, bringing her abroad just to cut her is just as savage as Maquel coming back just to go home last week. ↩︎

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 11 | “You let me like a parasite leach into this game and I will not be going anywhere”- Ali

Alright, so now it's my time to either put up or shut up. This is the round I really need to make this move in order to put myself in a much better spot moving forward. Either Ali or Autumn need to go this round, and I need to figure out how in the hell I can make this work. I know me, Devon, and the three Beauties are in for this plan, but I'm really concerned about Jakey this round. For some reason he's not being fully forthcoming about his thoughts about this vote, and with someone telling me that him and Ali might be close, I'm really concerned that he may go and ruin this plan. I don't want to think he'd do that - he should know I have had his back since Day 1 and I still think he has mine - but like... this ain't a fun spot to be in. Part of me wants to stack on Autumn and pretend like it's supposed to be a split vote to get Ali to use his idol if Jakey does tell him, but it would be worthless, but I don't even know if that would work. So I think I really need to figure out what Jakey is ok with here and then figure out how I can guarantee the heat doesn't come on me if this plan is found out.

I- just... you think you know people. Me and Adam rn https://media.tenor.com/images/ad6bd858d5371eb4ad2755d4a11bc748/tenor.gif but also me and Adam rn https://i.pinimg.com/originals/b8/d0/26/b8d026447effad19676de7e8ccc05c6f.gif Not Adam calling me at midnight to tell me that the whole ass tribe is planning to blindside Ali. I can't even get into the tea fully cause I'm in my bag now that I know 6 people think so little of me and will to lie to my face all day tomorrow but like it's fine. They will be dealt with, Adam is a king, we will get our Emmy's tomorrow for bamboozling everyone back, and I will 100% get Ali to play the idol he (probably?) has when I lay all the cards at 7 pm EST tomorrow lmao. And I'm really gonna get Jakey and Deovn's double agent asses- THAT I do know! Just you wait cause like I said before: name an ally I won't kill

to THINK, to literally THINK i wanted adam out at a point in this game. adam is literally the only person i trust in this game, i will be the kingmaker for him to get the win he deserves. what a genuinely lovely man, im so glad we are both still here. it sounds like there is a blindside being cooked up for little old me this round and for what...i'm borderline inactive, i cant connect with anyone in this game like... voting me for what... for literally what. also if jake is voting for me i will literally scream into the void this is so stupid for him. i am literally so far up his ass in this game all season and yet he wants to send me packing and for what. adam literally is my god send, as is devon's inability to keep literally anything a secret? like i trusted devon... so much?! and yet he literally threw me so far under the bus my squished up corpse is a 2D shape. i'm so... shook?! and also i still cant decide if i think jake is in on this, but if he is... im screaming? what a clown decision. but literally i cant believe this. im so excited to idol out one of the generic men in this game out tomorrow, they can all literally suck it up i cant wait. i want to be the kingslayer, i want to be the person who votes out amir for the first time in tumblr survivor. screw keeping big threats around, fuck that noise. i'm going to literally go through metamorphosis and become alyssa this season. i will be the mother hen who takes the bullet for my allies moving forwards, adam/autumn will make it further and further (plus jake if he is proven innocent and not a snake) anyway cast assessment: augusto - he can have such empty conversations for hours?! like this tribe confuses talking lots with social game. but like with him its a real i don't love your excess energy, go girl give us too much... would love to see him do literal anything beyond just having nothingy conversations... that does not a winner make amir - WOW his galaxy brain is so big. honestly i have to be impressed with amir, the fact he has this tribe misted that he is not the mastermind he is... a testament to his skill. i want to idol him out tomorrow adam - literally my jesus. i owe him my life in this game and i will stay true to that. i cant believe i didnt trust him at first wow... i hope adam gets the win this season autumn - my other goddess.. the literal love of my life, i want her and adam in the f3 this season if i cant make it. i want an autumn hill two time winner yes please and thank you devon - okay devon remains SUCH a sweet guy but oh my god does he play like a snake HELLO. he literally pumped me full of hot air for literally nothing wow woww wowww. he has lied to me for rounds and rounds for literally nothing... am ready to get that snake caught in a trap jake - i think the man who i was willing to give up my entire game for has been lying to me, i feel the exact same way i felt when my boyfriend cheated on me like this feels so personal... and i dont even see the endgame for jake with this hello!? my heart is broken, i literally watched sharifa play in sequester for HOURS with that man and for what?! for WHAT kendall - a literal sweetheart, never dissed. hope she goes far the only non-fraudulent one of the bunch tj -askjdlfsa he is so... stale jKLJKASDFAS like as a player go girl give us nothing. i wish he was being deadass when he said we were gonna squash our beef but i guess not huh? clownery from me i see anyway its almost 8am i need bed. im fueled by rage and im ending the generic men. adam and autumn are the loves of my life, brain, brawn and beauty are linking UP.

GORL yall better hold onto your britches this is gonna be a LONG one, so immunity happens, a music challenge, which i knew was right up my alley, i was confident going into it and tbh i had no idea what was gonna happen this round, so i decided to take a risk and use my challenge advantage, WHICH PAID OFF BECAUSE BITCH I AM T H E SONGSTRESS, DO RE MI FA SO LA TI DA UP OUT MY FACE BECAUSE YALL CANT GET ME THIS ROUND. who would've thought little old me would end up winning not one, but TWO individual immunities in a single season! im always dragging myself but for once im so PROUD of myself because with my last one there really wasnt anything to brag about, it was handed to me, which kinda did feel nice in a sense considering i know no one trusts me yet they wanted to still keep me around, but like this one was M Y own WIN like on my own merit. I'm an aries, dont ever count me out because i will deliver all the gags and all the goops so after my win, i know im 100% safe, so i start to think... hmm well idk who i want to go so i guess ill see and wait if anyone says anything to me, and then DEVON calls me and we're having a convo when all the sudden he gets real coy.... and starts going "OMG ADAM UGHHH I DONT KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS OR IF I CAN OR CANT" meanwhile, obviously i wanna know the tea so im like well bitch! spill! and he tells ME that apparently, him, jakey, tj, amir, and augusto have all allegedly been in talks and want to BLINDSIDE ALI THIS ROUND because they think he has the idol...and purposely leave me and autumn out? ill get to the THOUGHTS i have on that soon, because oh, i have SEVERAL thoughts, but as he tells me this he's basically just saying OMG PLEASE IM TAKING A HUGE RISK TELLING YOU THIS DONT TELL ANYONE ELSE, which, i DO trust devon slightly, but here's where the problems began and im gonna break it down for yall, 1) ONCE AGAIN, THE BIGGEST PHONYS IN THE GAME FAKE 1 AND FAKE 2 AMIR AND AUGUSTO LMAO LIKE .... DID WE NOT JUST END THE BEEF WE HAD WITH EACH OTHER BECAUSE YALL WANTED TO GO BEHIND MY BACK AND NOT INCLUDE ME IN THE PLANS, ONLY FOR YOU TO DO THE SAME THING YET AGAIN??????? 2) Devon also TOLD me straight up and he was kinda laughing when he said it "im gonna be straight up no one trusts you in this game but i do and thats why im telling you", because AMIR/AUGUSTO ARE TELLING EVERYONE I HAVE THE IDOL FROM BEAUTY. WHY WILL NO ONE BELIEVE ME AND WHY ARE THEY BELIEVING THEM I DONT HAVE IT. LIKE I CAN OWN MY GAME AND MY MISTAKES AND THE ONLY THING IVE DONE TO DESERVE DOUBT WAS MY STUPID LIE ABOUT THE AUCTION BUT E V E R Y O N E LIED LIKE WHY AM I ALWAYS THE BAD GUY? YALL WANT ME TO BE THE BAD GUY, CHUN LI? BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, I CAN BE. ive been playing this game with ONE mindset only. I'll be semi honest with everyone, but lie to me and then you can no longer believe a word i say.... and 3) devon also told me, while he trusts me and wants to go far with me, everyone else doesnt want to take me out this round, next round, or even 7, theyre planning to go for me around like final 6......ok so what im hearing is people are ALREADY trying to plan when to take me out and while he may trust me, i basically would have no way to play the game other than with him??? which why would i just sit there and accept that fate...OH AND ALSO 4) him and everyone else really just expects me to sit back and knowingly vote against kendall, who WOULDNT be going home so they can blindside ali...... so id literally lose a friend in this and gain an enemy? do i have idiot plastered on my forehead??? well, i guess they were right not to tell me about the plan because BITCH I RAN RIGHT TO ALI. Like honestly, screw all those people, i feel like ive done NOTHING so horrible to make people dislike or distrust me so severely so i feel like i dont owe anyone a damn thing. why would i just sit complacently waiting to get picked off at 5/6 and put all my eggs in one basket when i single handedly can change the whole game right now, and thats exactly what i plan on doing. At this point im TIRED of people overlooking me and thinking they can play this game around me and get away with it, but whatever, YALL WANTED GOOD TV, YALL WANTED A SHOW WELL BUCKLE UP BECAUSE YALL MAY BE GOOD AT THIS GAME AND GOOD AT BEING FAKE, BUT YALL DONT KNOW WHAT YOU GOT YOURSELVES INTO WITH ME, IN THE WISE WORDS OF TAMMIE BROWN, YOU WANTED CRAZY, WELL YOU GOT IT NOW ali was SHOOK when i spilled the beans to him, and i told him like look this is me giving you my trust because he's the only person who's shown me respect besides autumn and even if he wasnt being genuine, at least he's being SMART AND GUESS WHAT IT'S GONNA SAVE HIS GAME BECAUSE BITCH HE TOLD ME HOW HE HAS THE IDOL- NOT JUST ONE, BUTTWO OF THEM FJADHSKJFH GORL FIRST OF ALL im so happy i can STOP PLAYING 2048 THAT DAMN GAME WAS GOING TO BE MY UNDOING, SECOND OF ALL I LITERALLY CACKLED ON CALL WHEN HE TOLD ME, I KNEW I COULD TRUST MY GUT ABOUT HIM, OH AND IT GETS EVEN BETTER HE ALSO HAS THE IDOL NULLIFIER EFSDKAJH WHICH MEANS....if we play our cards right......we can take out whoever we want, maybe everyone was right to be scared of us. I'd be scared, i think they should all be scared, yall wanted to say fuck my drag time and time again, well watch me bring it to the runway now. we also agreed we need to let autumn in on this, which could be either the BEST or WORST move....i really THINK i can trust autumn, her and ali are hands down my #1/2 in the game, and devon right behind, although if we pull this off, i told them both i dont want to get devon since he let me know this, i think even if i blindside him and dont let him know, i can at least justify myself enough to him and let him know him going home was still never an option, but i called autumn right after ali and told her all the same tea and at first she was kinda hesitant about it all, but i knew her and jakey had a good relationship so the hardest part for me i think was making her really believe he's against her which i think i did a good job of making her believe because she SPILLED the tea to me about how her/ali/jakey had an alliance, and i absolutely did just kick him out and take his place oop, which i dont trust jake at all because something about him/amir/augusto is so shady, you mean to tell me they voted you out and he hasnt tried to go for them or vice versa this whole time.... my gut is telling me they're in kahoots, and would 100% be a solid 3 against me down the line... my whole game rn hinges on autumn believing me because its the TRUTH i just told her what i was told but clearly i painted it a little more my way oops, so as of now the plan is autumn and me will both keep playing dumb tomorrow, then around 7 pm we're gonna "tell ali" the plan (which i already told him) but autumn doesnt know he has the idol yet, so ali will confirm it to her, and we'll make our move. I'm going to push for it to be amir, i want him OUT OF THIS GAME. im SICK of him and augusto prancing around like the wicked step sisters and treating me like cinderella. but who knows, maybe devon telling me was strategy on his part so i tell ali and we flush the idol and they vote autumn, but i have to hope that all those people are good enough with autumn that they dont want to do that just yet... but i mean, ali does have 2 so we already said if we feel like we need to use both, one for him and one for autumn, it's an option. Also if any of them have the idol ... this could become a mess if someone plays one right after ali, this could also just fall apart if they split the votes 3/3 sedkfha the odds of me actually getting my way....are feeling slim, but im gonna be hopeful because it's all i got, if this works, it could be my winning move, but if it fails, and there's a high chance it fails.... im gone next round... but with ali staying i dont think thatll happen, he's a shield for me and someone i can trust, im taking a page from the michele winners at war book, and he's my jeremy. I trust him, and i need him in this game for at least a few more rounds or im just gonna be dragged along and disposed of at some point. And if i leave then whatever at least i can say i caused chaos, which im always down for.

So I think Ali is getting sketched out by this vote, so now I am working with Jakey and Devon to figure out a plan to make Ali feel safe and not play an idol. But I'm like... oh dear... this could really blow up in our faces if this doesn't work. And I'm over here trying to communicate now to everyone what is going on so that they don't panic and I'm like... wasn't I just on the bottom? Now I feel like I have some kind of power again? I like this feeling, but also, it be scary as fuck.

If last round was the calm before the storm, this round is a full on hurricane of a vote. I have spent the past round or so trying to rally the troops against Ali and I think it can finally happen? He has two idols, a vote reveal, a idol blocker, and a killer social game so these people need to smell the roses and get him out. I really hope I don’t leave but if this is my undoing, at least I tried to make a move! 

tribal is in a few hours and i have a WHOLE ass headache because i dont know what's gonna happen....so last night devon LITERALLY told me everyone but me/autumn were gonna be in the vote against ali... but then today he's telling me jake doesnt know he thinks......am i crazy? did i mishear?? or is he trying to gaslight me.....because i KNOW what i heard and i literally led this whole jake slander campaign to autumn and ali, autumn doesnt think we can trust jakey because i can see devon feeling nervous after telling me that and then they try to tell jake to get in good with us so he knows our plan, but it also doesnt really make sense if jakey works with them unless my conspiracy about him/amir being in kahoots makes sense....so i dont fucking know what's happening, if it were up to me this would stay between me/autumn/ali and we'll ask for forgiveness rather than permission on the next day... autumn/ali are on call rn and theyre supposed to let me know after because autumn is supposed to "spill" the tea to ali (which i already spilled last night) and then we'll go from there because since he does have the idol we just need to place our votes very carefully in conclusion; there's gonna be some angry gays one way or another after tribal (and a few confused heteros)

I don’t think anyone respects me... which is annoying because I am currently playing a social game. But even more annoying because nobody listens to me!!!!!! Like literally all we have to do is switch to Autumn!!!! Switch to Autumn and everything will be fine and no one is willing to do that. Ugghhhhhhh god damnit I’m going to lose my mind.

I WILL CONFESS LATER BUT WE ARE SENDING DEVON OUT 4-3 AND IM GONNA IDOL MYSELF BECAUSE IM SCARED... IM READY TO BE IN FINAL EIGHT AND IM READY TO FIGHT.

Fucking THIS AND ALL THESE FKING PEOPLE IM SO DONE, I literally have no course of action, I’ve went through every single plan in my mind and every single one reaches a dead end, I don’t know the details of how the idol block and vote reveal work I can’t switch the vote to jakey, because Ali will vote reveal and then idol jakey and then I’m left with 4 people who want me dead and jakey blowing up my game I can’t split on autumn and Ali because we don’t have the votes without jakey I can’t fucking do anything at all I have to be passive, but I have to be alert Ali isn’t gonna go, jakey isn’t gonna go, autumn won’t, and adam wont It’s going to be me or my allies So I just have to try and make it not me at this point 

I think devon is about to leave and like, that is okay, just be who you are 

[survivingjapan]

EPISODE 6 "If Britney Spears Can Get Through 2007 The Villains Can Get Through Tribal Again" -Brian

Hey Alex.... Sad thing is was that I was fighting for you probably the hardest for the longest (hence the Raven crying pic), but then not only does your pal Richie decide to be a lunatic at tribal, but you also were making it quite hard.... I defended you to multiple people, but I can't do anything substantial if A) I don't hear from Linus myself about his potential swing vote and B) You tried to make a deal with Kage to force rocks and not tell me I liked you more than most of these people, but I can't work with someone who makes an alliance and then tries to force it in danger by accepting a selfish proposal to try and save only yourself and not your allies. I think it was just the way the cookie crumbled that it ended up this way....:L gl on the outside, I might be joining u soon.

Where is Nic asking for confessionals when we need him? :P I'm really sad that Alex is gone, I wanted to work closely with he and Richie, so it sucks that he's not around but I'm hoping that Richie and I can work together before too long. Right now I just want to make jury and once I accomplish that I'll feel better! 

What happens when you bring together the 13 most messy, paranoid, villains? Kyoaku? Kyaoku? Kayoaku? Koyaku? I have no clue how to spell out name. But anyway, you get us Also, one more thing FUCK RICHIE FUCK LINUS FUCK JONATHAN

We win again... woohoo. Not anything different, but the more important part of this round is that I couldn't figure out how finding the idol went, since I'm pretty inexperienced, and honestly would've never figured that out, so I asked Steffen for help, and he goes ahead and just punches in a magic word into a url, and he found the idol and is now choosing to not give it to me, after it being all me who found it for us. I am clearly trusting Steffen for now, but I know he is a VERY smart player, and I wouldn't be surprised if he fucked me over at the end of the day, but I get a strong feeling that he won't do it to me. I just don't think he would, and if he did, it'd probably be one of the shadiest moves that could be pulled, but I'm also not trying to use this thing y'know. It'd be killer if I found it, figured everything out, and Steffen just punched in the URL, and he needed it to save himself and I didn't need it at all. My only concern is if one of us is holding onto it, and then the other needs it played on them, then that's going to leave the person playing the idol VERY vulnerable, but that's something we're just going to have to roll with, and going back to my previous point, if we even need to use this thing, it's a sign of weakness, but also a great tool for us to have in our back pockets. 

People are constantly criticizing my game but messy or not, when it comes down to it, my social game has saved me 3 times in a row now

crow and sarah can eat the entirety of my ass tbh GOD i hate being on a tribe with these people.... after the mess that was the rocks scenario crow came to me and was like "have you talked to alex he has a plan for an alliance" and i went to alex and said ".....crow and sarah didnt they just vote you out?" and he was like "they came to me my dude" so whatever i never trusted them because sarah was sketchy about the hinky vote against me at the rocks tribal... BUT i thought okay theres no reason for them to go thru all this trouble if they were just going to vote out me or alex like we're at the bottom no reason to string us along i guess we could come together vote out kage this one round and from there maybe a unified tribe would allow for more moves for me in the upcoming rounds.... but shortly before tribal brian comes to me and is like im voting out alex i dont want there to be a tie bc crow and sarah are voting alex so im like okay theyre votes are already in for alex and you cant change votes this wont cause IMMEDIATE consequences and im going to need alex still here to back me up for this so 15 minutes before tribal i start WW3 asdfjhasfk i call out sarah and crow for the alliance and for sarah blaming junior for the hinky vote against me blah blah more goes down i say more things alex says things they say things everythings a mess and im just trying to paint the image that those 2 are liars and expose them just in the off chance that someone believes me and has an ounce of doubt against them bc with alex leaving and those 2 lying about it i was alone on this tribe anyway with no real social connections so id be gone next tribal.....but of course we lost the duel immediately after alex was voted out and i went crazy so i dont really have the time to do damage control at this point now its just campaigning which is going to be.................difficult i already went to junior kage and tommy with some campaigning last night but idk im going to need a miracle or someone to realize that i'm an asset that can be used like anyone who saves me right now gains an ally that has no other connections besides them so im prime numbers material in arabia i played such an under the radar social game where even when i backstabbed people and voted everyone out (except ting ting RIP) and i still got them to vote for me in the end bc i formed relationships and remained a likable positive quiet game player.... in this game.... BITCH i'm JT the winner that should have just played once because they just blow up their game from being extra in the next go around 

okay remember the last time i wrote a confessional i was in the mindset of i know i'm going down but i'm going to do everything in my power to stay? well fuck that i swear to god i'd rather be voted out than ever have to have another conversation with tommy again i have never met anyone who is more infuriating to speak to and i CANT DO IT I"D RATHER BE VOTED OUT ITS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!    

On 9/6/17, at 6:28 PM, cat (japan host) wrote: > okay FIRST it all started when i woke up and had to live another day Honestly I'm Cat

Hey I haven't been here in a while because we literally haven't lost since Mist. Not that there haven't been any developments, because their have been! It's just that the villains suck booty. And they're losing their 5th person in a row tonight. I wasn't really pressed about any of the eliminations other then Jaiden. I wasn't sure if I would have been able to work with him, but I was able to get quite a bit of info out of him. And now my outlet for villain tea is kinda gone. And the fact that I was in Canada all last weekend didn't help me in finding a villain tea substitute. BUT with all of them dropping like flies, it's hard to tell who would be a good candidate :') Other than Jaiden, we saw Ashley go which is fine because she's from India and I want them dead. Alex S went too so that's a thing. I feel like I need to really start messaging some of these villains to gain a connection - whether we swap any time soon or not there's an inevitable merge that there's a chance I could be at. The problem is though, I don't wanna really talk to any of them asdfghjk. Tommy and Sarah sketch me out, Brian and I are not on good terms, and while Linus and Kage could be chaotic and spill shit, I don't wanna get caught up in their messes. That leaves Richie, Junior, and Jonathan. Which obviously one of these 8 is going tonight, so I won't start messaging until after the tribal. I'm still skeptical of a swap and I'm hoping one doesn't happen so I can utilize getting close to the villains that I want to before we ACTUALLY meet up with them. But as for tea on the hero side, there's an obvious conflict on who we would hypothetically take out if we go to tribal. With 12 of us, we need 7 so someone isn't Jaiden'd. The main argument is whether to go for a Malaysian or to just take out Steffen. The thing is, I've been getting really close to Johnny and I think he trusts me. And he wants to bring in Steffen for a strong Solomon 5. Now, I don't want that to last forever seeing as I want Steffen gone soon anyway. But I think we need him for one round. Because the Malaysia/India hybrid duo of Kendall and Alex is a major problem. And Drew is someone who is just a massive threat to begin with. But Isaac still just wants Steffen gone. And he doesn't think that we could take out someone like Kendall or effectively take out Alex with Pippa being close to him. HERE'S THE GAG THOUGH! I talked to Pippa for a little bit one on one today, and she is totally down with taking out Kendall or Alex. The thing is, they both seem a little bit checked out. Kendall has 2 strikes, and Alex has kinda died out since his audition. Which... I absolutely feel for them if they're dealing with real life struggle. But at the same time if they're not gonna be super invested and if one of them already has 2 strikes then I won't question voting them out. So if Isaac knows Pippa is down to come for one of them, then we have the Solomon 5 already. Then it comes down to the outliers of Dom, Trace, Ruthie, and Ashton. I know Pippa and Johnny both really like Dom separately. Isaac likes Trace. I personally like Ashton but dunno how long we could trust him because he seems like he could have a chaotic side to him. And then there's Ruthie who I just would prefer not to really work with long term because she's such a social threat, and if we swap or get to merge way down the line or whatever and Ruthie is there, I feel like she's someone villains would definitely flock to for a potential number because she's so social and kind. And I know girl can be a flipper. So this just comes down to who do we wanna take out, and getting enough people on the same page for my own agenda. Because at the end of the day this is to benefit MY agenda the most. Isaac wants out Steffen still, and I was already able to talk Pippa out of going for Drew first. If we could get a Malaysia/India person out, then Drew, then Steffen, that would be the most optimal. Will it happen? Probably not just because that's so specific. However, it is still at least an outline that I would like to ATTEMPT trying to follow.

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 5 | “Wish me luck America” - Dan

I wanted a swap, i practically BEGGED for one because i was ready to cause chaos, so i swap happens .... but its NOT good for me whatsoever because all the people i wanted to flip on and get out somehow end up on the other tribe, and to make it even better, what sole beauty do i get stuck with? connor. yet ANOTHER person lying to my face STILL TELLING ME I WASNT A VOTE OPTION...... just another fool on the list of fools who think IM the fool so this is an interesting dynamic, 4 original brawn, 2 brain, 2 beauty. off the bat it looks like those 4 brawn could be solid, so ive already been working to talk to the brains tribe during the one world twist, so being with autumn and duncan could potentially be good for me, obviously i dont know how theyre feeling but in a perfect world i want to allign with the brains. As much as i would love to vote out connor right away just to send a big old middle finger to the alliance that included him over me in it, but im not sure that can happen. My only hope right now is that there's a crack within the brawn, if there is i can try and get in good with connor to maybe see about uniting with the brains and taking out a brawn, even if it meant 4-4 and going to rocks, im here to play so id absolutely do that. If the brawns arent that tight however, and i can just flip one to want to work with me, i can use that as an opportunity to start a new alliance maybe with the brains and a brawn to vote out connor/anyone else not in our numbers, not sure yet, theres so many scenerios game wise but i think especially in the last 24 hours ive talked a lot of game with people, so i need to calm down on that and get back to personal conversations to try and estabilish trust with anyone i might need down the line, if we even go to tribal which im hoping we just dont, because then not only am i safe, but i get to hopefully see someone on the other side go home, and i would love for it to be one of the frauds amir, augusto, or kendall. but its also terrifying since connor is such a wild card like what if he flipped to the brauns or the brains linked up with the brawn to pick me off? basically if im gonna survive this swap, i need a little bit of luck, a little bit more strategy, and some more connections to get me through, i thought thats what i was doing before though and it clearly didnt work too well so buckle the fuck up because i have no idea where we go from here 

lmao remember a few hours ago when i said i hated this swap because it didnt give me much opportunity? well little did i know was all i had to do was bat my eyes a little and opportunity appeared right before me! meaning that, ive been trying to talk to and connect with some of these new people, ive had decent talks with liam and ali mostly, and i was trying to keep game talk minimal up until LIAM out of no where says to me, "oh i just realized someone on this tribe voted me out in a past game and i voted him out" so BITCH the second he says this all sorts of bells and buzzers are going off in my head like spill the tea i need to know!! and what does he say?? it's CONNOR. BITCH cue the choir and let the angels descend from above because im in HEAVEN hearing this!!! there's 16 people left and while i really think we have a strong tribe to win challenges so we may never go to tribal, if we do ive already begun shoving connor so far under the bus there wont be any time for him to get up by the time he realizes what hit him. I'm giving you Miss Rosa in orange is the new black running over Vee REALNESS SWEETIE. VROOM VROOM WATCH OUT BECAUSE HERE I COME. My favorite quote of all time is: the enemy of my enemy is my friend, and that's absolutely what ive been playing up here whether i can actually trust these brawns or not is beside the point, because right now i know for a fact i cant trust connor, he's still lying to me telling me i was never a target, so i have no use or even want to play with someone who thinks im an idiot. On a tribe of 8 you only need 5, and i am absolutely not opposed to setting myself up to be in a position where im the swing vote, if i make sure the brawns feel like they need me, and same with the brains, then i should be essentially... ok? until a merge??? maybe unless everyone here is lying to me too, most likely because im not a good player so im probably being duped dfhkasj I've also been working hard to try and let people in on the narrative that the beautys have this majority alliance and are a threat, because i want to do as much as i can to put a target on their back and get them out, while also opening up to hopefully let people know they can trust me, and i want people to still think im weak so im also going for that pity card playing it up how no one over there would talk to me and saying how bad it was, i shouldve watched what i said though because i did foolishly let Ali know about the tomb and how to crack it, i didnt mean to and i wasnt thinking we were just having such a good convo and while i do like talking to him, i have no idea if i can trust him with that so great job at my dumbass for giving myself more competiion in the tomb .... i went back in tonight and ill be damned there's new questions so i SHOULDVE kept my lips shut and i couldve had it to myself, but whatever, at least if he finds it he remembers who led him there, i also dont want to rely on any idols or advantages, let's do this the old school way and get shit done, and get these people out of here, one false beauty at a time, until im the last one standing!! and aj... we still trust aj he can stay, but the rest they can go and then they can lemme know how that alliance works out for them.

Woooo! I made it to the swap!!! My swapped tribe is actually pretty cute bc it’s a lot of the people I really talked with during the chaos round. I am concerned about the 4-2-2 split we have being an issue, but I have to trust my new former relationships will at least make me not the first person targeted. I’m so relieved to be swapped with Jakey because Jordan and Ali are definitely scary players and having them on the other side with the potential of being voted out (and not having to do it myself later) is honestly good. Jakey is more of a MOTR player and someone who I actually enjoy talking to about game and non game stuff so I’m excited to hopefully position him as my number 1 in this game. With all THAT being said.... Devon and I have played before and I literally blindsided him while working with him so I’m worried about that. My other concern is that me and Amir go way back... I love Amir, I’m just nervous about his ability as a game player. I’m just praying that we can win some comps in the swap so I don’t need to address any of these issues fksmjsjsjs. Wish me luck America. 

the way i'm going to be the last person in the challenge who determines the tiebreak... which could keep me safe but seal jakey's fate... god this is so upsettingggg

I meant to do this earlier, but quick recap on my thoughts on the tribe swap. First, I'm elated to see that I have a majority of the Brawn on this tribe. I have Jordan who I'm closely aligned with, and I have both Liam and Ali who I've been working with and have a good game relationship with. That's where my initial excitement ended. Because the Brains and Beauty who I talked to the most during the One World Day - Devon, Scott, Kendall, Augusto - all ended up on the other tribe rather with my closest ally in Jakey whereas I got two Beauty who I hadn't talked to and two Brain who, while I was optimistic about, were more concerning in terms of their thoughts about me. But I'm going back to that social game I've been working on and I truly think that this swap is going to work well for me. I think I've specifically been building some good relationships with Adam and Duncan that will help me not be the target if a Brain/Beauty coalition forms. But now I just need to see if I can get through this damn tomb and go from there.

Whew! It's been a few days since I made one of these and boy do I have a lot of tea to spill! So after voting out Devon, a twisto's twist comes into play where we all go to one world and vote someone back into the game. I lowkey had a feeling this would happen... Like I really spent all day getting the HIGHEST score in that immunity challenge only for Devon to get voted back in 15-0-0. Nothing really important happened here except that Austin did a shitty campaign job and Lovelis just.. disappeared. Like bruh, you really don't want to come back huh? And then we swap tribes and of course I'm stuck on Thoth AGAIN!! I've accepted that I'm cursed this time around because I... am tired of being here. But, Duncan and Autumn are on the other tribe so this gives me a good opportunity to not only rebuild my relationship with Devon, but to make new allies moving forward. Personally, I think I need to cut ties with Duncan and Autumn and find new life. I realize that they are much closer to each other than they are to me and I can't work with that long term. The way they approached Devon for his vote out really proved it too. When it comes to rebuilding my relationship with Devon, I'm not gonna lie it's much more difficult than I thought it would be. Like I basically told him that the reason why I voted him out was because he snitched on me to Duncan and told Duncan everything I said to him on our call. I basically said I was hurt by that because I trusted him and then he went behind my back like that and it wasn't cool. Especially since i was considering letting it go to a tiebreaker challenge too! So then he tried to phrase it as "I would never lie to you, I had your back all the way to the end" and I'm kinda just like... okay but your actions speaks louder than your words. And you taking the action to approach Duncan and tell him everything I said to you wasn't cool. However I made it very evident that Duncan/Autumn are much closer then we thought and i think he gets it. I've slowly come to realize that he's the perfect goat to take to the end because he really lacks at the relationship building portion of the game. However, I need to be able to trust my goats and right now I don't trust Devon. He told me about the idol as a sign of trust, however he hasn't found the blog yet. (backtrack, Duncan shared the blog with me so I've been idol hunting, and now I'm just telling people I had no idea when they ask me about it LOL). So I might tell Devon I found the combination, but at the same time do I want him to have the idol? Not at all! I'm happy that this swap brings me to a lot of people that I can potentially work with. I know that Duncan and Autumn originally wanted to work with beauty to take out brawn, so I'm really happy that I have 4 beauties on my tribe. Out of the beautes, I really like Augusto, Amir, and Kendall. AJ hasn't spoken to me at all tbh... like we barely talked. Kendall and I talk briefly but she told me straight up that her/Amir/Augusto were a trio and that definitely doesn't make me feel comfortable. I'm just like "okay, let's leave this thought in the back of my mind for later." But I've spent a lot of time talking to Amir and Augusto, and I can see myself working with them long term. Augusto and I called for like a whole hour and a half, which is beautiful that we got along well so quickly. I like how they both plan to keep their word and don't like to make fake promises. It shows that they're genuinely good people and I think they're my kind of crowd. So I definitely want to work with them through the merge. I also wouldn't mind going to the end with Augusto too (Amir already won so I don't want to make that promise to him LOL). When it comes to the brawn, I gel most with Jakey. I would go to consider him my new #1 right now. I don't think I ever had a #1 on old Thoth mainly because Duncan/Autumn were so close and Devon is just.... being Devon. Jakey told me about the idol stuff which is great! Personally, I already knew about the idol, but to pretend to be shocked by it and go forward with it was the best move for me. But Jakey and I seem to be the smartest and most focused people here, so I need that. He gets me and is on my level. I'm considering taking him to the end with me if it comes to that just because I want to be loyal this time around. That's why I'm happy than an alliance of Me/Jakey/Augusto/Amir/Kendall was made because I want to stick with this 5 all the way to the end. And I'm happy to already be in a majority alliance because it means I can potentially get to the merge. I just hope everyone knows that I'm with them and want to stay loyal to them going into the merge. Because I would love to be able to say that I'm 5/5 on making it to the merge. It'd be a shame to end my last tumblr season as a pre-merge boot. In terms of this vote since we lost the challenge AGAIN, I'm open to voting out either AJ, Devon, or Dan. I know people want to keep Devon around I'm happy with that. I'd hate to vote him out again after that last round, but also told people that I would do so if it meant that I would solidify trust with them in doing so. Which leaves us to Dan and AJ. I'm open to either of them going that round, mainly because I haven't spoken to either of them that much. I would perfer AJ just because he's a beauty and I'm skeptical about keeping all of the beauties around. At the same time, Dan can be a little aggressive so I also wouldn't mind getting rid of the negativity within the tribe. So many decision to make!! I just hope I make the right one. 

I take back everything I said about feeling good about the swap. No one is willing to talk about the vote with me so I guess that means it’s me??? I don’t know I’m just not feeling good and my gut is pretty good most of the time so we’ll have to see.... I just like don’t fuck with people who don’t wanna talk?? Like why play???

I am little fucked. Honestly if I was going to get voted out I would like it to be because of my #bigmoves or #smartbrain but nope it's cause of 2 minutes. And that's infuriating! Like I work my ass off in basically every other challenge! I drew the tribe flag, I took the lead on the word puzzle thingy, I got a reasonable number of scavenges!!!! And now I'm going to die. Like a lil bitch. I'm trying my best not to struggle cause voting is like quick sand, the more you panic the more you sink in. But logically I don't have much to worry about. Devon is willing to work with me, I already have two solid allies, and Jakey and Scott have both reached out. But the back of my mind is... bad. I'm so stressed out and Pissy. Fuck Dan. Fuck his stupid face. The only thing keeping me from throwing him out is I don't want people to have the perception that the beauty tribe is a unit. Oh yeah we are voting out AJ even though he probably has an idol which isn't great for me because he could probably get wind of that thing that's happening where people want to kill me and get on board and proceed to kill me. That was a mouthful but I don't have to be eloquent when I'm going to fucking dieeeeeeee. I'm barely holding it together. Help me Survivor Jesus. 

Augusto, 1:02 PM K so Dan said that he heard AJ would be a unanimous vote didn’t tell me who but he said that that person could just be projecting what they want Daniel Disbrow go fuck yourself. Projecting my lily white ass. 

Whew i love when things work out for me. This tribe swap went great for me. I feel very confident about my position on this tribe. I am good with Ali, Tj, and Liam all through seperate links to myself which im hoping can keep me as a centralized figure on this tribe. Ive formed a very good relationship with Adam so far who definitly feels on the outs of the beauty which is great. I thought i could be good with connor, but hes kind of been blowing me off so idk, he could be a target if we lose. As for the brains on my tribe Im talking more to duncan than autumn, but im gonna work on forming a stronger relationship with her on the chance were both at merge which i think is likely. I feel bad for Jakey and dan, two people I did want to work with, however I would be okay if they left as it would lesten the target on me at the merge with less brawn numbers and a larger beauty group to be scared of a group against. Sometimes you got to sacrafice pieces in chess and if they lose it sucks but ill move on. Im optimistic about moving forward through this next phase of the game.

wow i cant believe i almost DIDNT make a confessional for this round but here we go: not much more has happened over here since the swap, we absolutely did perfect in the immunity, so we wont be going to tribal, which is cool because im guaranteed safety and now i can just spend my time trying to work on these relationships that i need out here if im gonna make it a couple steps further and plot my revenge against the false beautys and make the moves that are gonna benefit ADAM and no one else. The original night of the swap i found myself having longer convos with the brawns and letting them all in on the tea about how those false beautys have a majority alliance and how they were plotting against me for no reason, so last night i was talking more so with autumn/duncan individually and they also asked about tribe dynamics so guess what, i spilled the tea to them now too, and they seemed to believe what i was saying, which granted, life on old hathor wasnt HORRIBLE it's not like people were like LETS JUST POINT AND LAUGH AT HIM ...but this new tribe dont know all that, so im absolutely going to be hyperbolizing and over-exaggerating the situation completely still because that's what i do best, i have a strong personality and a way with words so if i can paint the narrative to look better in my light, i absolutely am, and i mightve got lucky with connor here because other people are telling me he's hard to talk to, which makes it 10x easier for them to believe me, because i am still telling the truth, he's one of them, and he's clearly a snake lying right to my face so im making sure they know he'll lie to theirs too. i dont want to get to confident with my postion though whatsoever, because these are all good players and im just a dumb bitch so odds are, someone is playing me and i probably look like a fool but whatever, i only know as much as people will tell me so either way i just have to go with the flow in a sense, whether im the one steering the ship or just the clown aboard, is TBD. i also found it QUITE pleasing to see how for the other tribe, kendall is the one who messed up and cost them the win, however i know she's got her little puppets with those other false beautys so im not sure if theyll take her out. Looking at that tribe, id be happy with almost anyone going but the biggest plot twist of them all is ..... i think i want jakey to stay? me and him had a good talk at one world actually, i began planting seeds with both him AND kendall about each other so i might have inadvertently pinned them even more against each other, unless they put 2 and 2 together and realize i was kinda just telling them both what they wanted to hear, i didnt think id want to work with jakey this game but now that i know i cant work with those false beautys, i might need him to stick around and do damage to them over there for me but really, i dont give a shit who goes home from them, aj is the only one of the false beautys im not 100% against yet because he is my friend, and maybe we can still somehow work together from opposing sides to keep each other safe but who knows, and jakey staying would be good for me because he's a threat and potentially could be on my side again (unless he was just lying and wants me out BAD then uh... he can go but hopefully not because i need that group broken up more than i do him gone even if he is after me) im also trying out a new strategy ive never used before........ i made my skype icon a selfie of myself, now let me make it clear, i absolutely DO NOT think im that attractive, years of low self esteem have made that nearly impossible for me to believe, but im starting to feel myself a little!! i think i would give myself at least a 5/10, so its definitely a reach but im really just hoping by seeing the real me maybe that helps people wanna talk and open up to me more? either that or it will do the opposite and scare them away oop. but ive had good responses so far? i got a "whew", a "whoa", and a "oh my..." from different people so um... i think that's good dfhuakj??? at this point in the game, i have to identify my own strengths and weaknesses and go from there, because clearly im not meant to find the idol every time i go to the tomb i flop, im just not meant to be an idol queen, but i wont give up!!! im gonna try again later tonight and hopefully find it, or at least see for sure if someone else has found it and that's what you missed on akhmim! (from my very singular and most likely delusional perspective) 

I love Amir and Augusto. Like not to sound like a sentimental little bitch but I would kill for them. I have been the worst these past couple of hours and here they are all supportive and shit. I talk a big game. Like I consistently declare my villainy and keep pushing for #bigmoves but I will literally cry like a baby if I had to ever do anything to them. So I've decided I won't. I still intend on winning, I'm just not going to do it with their blood on my hands.

Well...IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK! I was expecting to 'Slither' my way back in, but clearly didn't imagine myself coming back on a 15-0-0 vote. If you had asked me about who I felt GREAT about prior to the swap, I would have said Jake and Augusto, so it's nice to have them on Thoth with me. Going into the swap, here are the headlines: 1. Scott/I are back on the same tribe. He clearly doesn't trust me like he did before since I told Duncan about me knowing they were targeting me. Can we build that trust back? 2. OG Beauty vs the rest. For some reason, OG beauty is willing to vote out AJ and ease everyone's paranoia. We could have just as easily gotten rid of Dan, but whatever. 3. Alliance chats. I was told that Kendall/Amir/Augusto had an alliance chat, and it doesn't help that apparently Scott hosted Kendall early in her TS career. I need to make sure my connections stay strong enough moving forward  

I finally learned the system to find the idol and it’s been found in the new tribe. I really hope Scott takes the time to find the Thoth idol. Firstly May I say the daddies are reborn with Devon being able to re-enter the game which is amazing! Unfortunately we got split up and now they face 4 beauties and 2 brawns on Thoth and autumn and I got to come be on Hathor. Adam spilled the tea about the Hathor 5 and its looking like Conor will be the first out if we end up at a tribal. I’m so happy to be off of Thoth. It was like a sinking ship and that tribe is cursed. On the flip side, for the first time this game, I DONT HAVE TO GO TO TRIBAL COUNCIL!!! YEEEHAW!!! I feel so grateful but also know if they lose 3 challenges then we’re losing Scott or Devon which would be horrible. I don’t know how comfortable I am with my position as it stands but I’m just grateful not to lose and probably feel most bad for Scott. I hope the daddies can survive this swap and perhaps make it back together come merge 

I really haven’t said shit huh gfhjdksl WELL, tons happened last round like someone coming back into the game and me getting to meet everyone finally! Devon returning was the best case scenario as him and I created a really weird yet good bond which I’m thankful for! Autumn and I meshed so well, Duncan and I bonded quickly, I also bonded with Scott/Jakey/Dan, and then had good convos with TJ/Liam M/Jordan/Ali so that was cute. We ended up swapping into 2 tribes of 8 afterwards which wasn’t TOO bad especially considering who is on this tribe like I got crazy lucky. We have 4 Beauties, 2 Brain, and 2 Brawn on this tribe and the other tribe has 4 Brawn, 2 Brain, and 2 Beauties which is a thing. But yeah, I have really high hopes? My connections here are strong personally so I want to just build on that. 

following the austin #blinside, we were BEANBOOZLED again and told that austin, as well as lovelis and devon would be pining for our votes to stay. all the tribes ended up on one beach but the initiative for the beauties was clear: austin could NOT come back. love him and all but after boldface lying to him and voting him out.. it just doesn't add up, right? so, the vote was really a matter of lovelis and devon, but then it just became of matter of "okay devon's coming back point blank" since lovelis wasn't really active. this didn't stop austin, however, from going around and throwing us under the bus, telling kendall her name was going around, outing the original plan to austin, all the while assuring us he was "beauties strong!" i respect the hustle but it ain't me! i decided not to lie to to him and told him upfront he wasn't getting my vote, little did i know it was going to be 15-0-0 for devon to come back. the perks of the one world twist was the fact i got to mingle with everyone i'd been excited to see from jordan pines to autumn! it was also a clear front for the fact that we'd be swapping right after, which we did! thankfully, the swap worked out for me perfectly. augusto, amir and kendall are all here with me and i got along with devon and jakey great! i also talked to scott and we bonded as well, and dan and i tried to recover from amnesia over a game we played a few years ago. i don't think i was put in a poor position at all, and in a must of confidence, i don't see myself going home like.. at all unless things change for the worse. the challenge came and went, and apparently one mistake cost it all but it didn't really matter to me because i have kendall's back and i know she has mine, so there was no chance i was gonna let her go over some two minute slip up. however, that was enough for dan to target her after we lost the challenge so the sexy procrastinators (basically leaning tower of penis bar connor) are counteracting by voting dan! do i feel bad because dan also asked if we could work together? hell yeah. do i feel REALLY bad? not really! he's a very nice gentleman, however, i'm pretty much on good terms with everyone on the tribe (and have solid allegiances with half of them) so i'm put into a rock and a hard place! i will say though, besides that, things have been really quiet compared to how things were on original hathor. there was always conversation going, even if it wasn't game, so it feels WEIRD when you're not talking to anyone within the hour. does that make me nervous? absolutely. am i assuming that there's an ulterior plot against me? more than i should! i just need to get myself together though and stop freaking out, what happens happens and if the that plot is indeed true then they got me gals! 

i’m me having high hopes for our tribes and us losing badly… the delusion! That being said, I oddly feel safe? I have my trio with Amir and Kendall (where I have solid duos with both), a secret duo with Devon, Dan and I have this Seychelles thing going, AJ trusts me I think, and then I’ve connected well with Scott and Jakey on a personal level so that’s fun! I’ve been telling every non-Beauty that I do genuinely want to stray away from playing outside of tribal lines because alliances made out of convenience are not as strong as alliances made out of connection. I just want to pretend myself as a very fluid, easy-going player/person in hopes that these players want to scoop me up for literally anything they want to do. My ideal boot order for this tribe would be AJ, Dan, and Jakey. AJ leaving opens up the game for me as it means I stuck to my word as not wanting to play by tribal lines, Dan leaving is mostly to appease to others but also because Dan could be dangerous later on, and Jakey is who I REALLY want to see leave because he has been the main person who has gotten and spread info on this tribe and he strikes me as the most threatening person so removing that before a merge is KEY. But yeah, that’s where I am at! 

I definitely need to step my pussy up in this game… like I feel extremely well about how I’m playing socially (I’ve been in tons of alliances, have gotten to really KNOW everyone I think, have been calling people for hours on end, have gotten information from all directions, etc) but I need to be better at talking game with people. Kendall and Amir have been doing extremely well about getting information out of Scott and Jakey respectively because they initialize game talk with them to do so and I personally struggle with that? I will say, I’ve been really good at getting people on my side to tell me things in the first place but I want EVERYONE to give me the tea like… I got my cup ready for all the tea so spill it please (‘:

I know I’ve done a super bad job at narrating everything that has happened this round but that being said, I haven’t done a bad job this round in the slightest. A sis really 1) established a connection with every player on my tribe [as in, I have an alliance with every single person in some capacity] 2) I am a part of the majority alliance 3) the people on the “bottom” feel good about me and have told me things 4) I’ve gotten close to getting to the end of Thoth’s Tomb which is awesome 5) I feel safe amid some messes this round [like Kendall telling Scott about her, Amir, and I being a trio which nnn] 6) I’ve honestly tried to downplay my gameplay to people by narrating my past seasons to people on call and explaining how I’ve been betrayed by my closest allies so I want something genuine and different this time AND also continuously asking my allies for “help” on talking to others to build even more trust [Amir told me he’s glad I’m in this game because I’m the only level headed one, Devon told me he trusts my judgements on anything, etc]... so yeah, a bitch might be doing that? 

Sooooo I think AJ is going tonight? Which is fine because he’s throwing my name around even though I actually was interested in working with him lmao. I was hoping Kendall would go because she literally does not talk, but I’ll take what I can get. Jokes on me when I get blindsided 

jakey just told me he's voting for me.. so yes i'm freaking out and yes i'm convinced i'm going home you CANNOT tell me otherwise https://66.media.tumblr.com/376a5e921389df0e5d37a54da9734e04/ebea8f0b6df920b0-57/s640x960/e1f351d79a9ea08058418a032c97026926156df5.gif 

kendall and augusto sat me down on call and basically told me it was over https://66.media.tumblr.com/376a5e921389df0e5d37a54da9734e04/ebea8f0b6df920b0-57/s640x960/e1f351d79a9ea08058418a032c97026926156df5.gif

I hate everyone lmao. I initially started saying we should vote Ken Doll, or whatever her name is, before I knew AJ was throwing my name around. And of course someone threw a vote on Kendall, and now I have Ken Doll in my PMs being like “ballsy how you still voted for me” that’s funny sis, I don’t even know how to spell your name. 

Not me almost putting Thoth on the tribe option lmaaaaooo old habits die hard. I would just like to take this time to thank the Academy, the hosts for swapping me well and allowing me to succeed in a way I never could in Thoth, and my new tribe for being both wise enough to listen to me when I come up with a plan and solid enough to deliver. Being immune? It's a lifestyle and I really missed it Ok so things are going well on Hathor (knock on wood)? I've talked to everyone, we're in a good spot, and I'm not worried about anyone.... but I am nervous but we'll come back to that. I feel fantastic about Ali- this is our third time playing together and every time we see each other we just pick up right where we left off, both as friends and allies. But it's really special this time around since we've both won a main? So we're in a unique boat that no one else in the cast is except Amir. Basically now we have each other's backs more than ever because our stakes look different as well as our threat levels compared to everyone else. I also discovered that TJ and I went to the same fucking COLLEGE??? When I say I'm gagged ugh. So yeah I think there's a new level of trust and kinship there since we share something so major that's not game related. And I think both of us are kind of alone? So that helps bridge the gap even more Ok now for all the other menses.... I have always been nervous about Jordan Pines simply because he's Jordan Pines. I know how I am and I know how he is so him being so tame and quiet the entire game is spooky to me and I don't buy it. I'm trying not to start shit obviously but I think it would be risky to wait until Jordan goes full Jordan before making a move but we'll leave it for now. Iiiiiii am no longer sure what to make of Adam and Connor. I actually really liked both of them the past couple days and was considering working with them but it has come to my attention that Adam has been telling everyone the same story about him being on the bottom of the original Hathor and that everyone needs to get rid of Connor since he's apart of that block. When I thought I was the only person with the tea, I was like YEAH ABSOLUTELY but then hours later Duncan tells me the same thing and then today Ali not only tells me that's what Adam said but apparently he said it to Liam as well. So I'm like SIR- tea is only special when it's private. You trying to get the entire tribe to rally to kill one specific person based on something that none of us can fact check is messssyyyy. I know there's some truth to it because Austin also was very adamant that Hathor couldn't be trusted but the whole thing is convenient to me, that Adam is hellbent on getting Connor out and really playing up the victim angle. And the gag is, if Connor ever goes, where does that leave Adam? Cause if you're willing to campaign this early over something that specific, what will you do to target the rest of us? Like ok we're all comparing notes now but that's cause it's pre-merge. Iiiiiii don't know if Adam needs to make it to merge if he's so generous with his spiked tea. And then that leaves Duncan, who is my dad yes and who I've been with the whole game but I'm really trying to diversify and look elsewhere. I don't wanna hurt Duncan but I do get this impression that he sees this as "our" game and that's why he's very keen to know who I'm talking to, who I trust, am I looking for the idol, do I need any help, etc. To the point where I feel like it's gonna become a liability situation, like because we're friends I'm SUPPOSED to both protect him every single round but also approve everything by him and take him to the end. And just so we're clear my game is mine and mine alone. I didn't come into this game to play for or with anyone and y'all know I have too much Sagittarius in my chart to let a man control my game. And no I'm not reaching because Duncan was tripping about me having a good relationship with Devon, to the point where he and Scott made a side group with Devon before tribal to convince Devon to vote me- mind you all of this came to my attention AFTER tribal and from Devon, even though it was Scott and Duncan's idea to vote Devon in the first place. Soooo explain to me why Duncan is questioning my loyalty when I'm voting out another ally over him and then you wanna go do side shit even though the vote was locked and already unanimous?? No ma'am I'll fuck you up. I really killed my bb to protect my dad and he over here trying to micromanage and teach me lessons. Sir there's plenty of game left don't try it. ALSO DEVON BB I MISS YOU YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT SCUNCAN SO PLEASE DON'T DIE ON THOTH

Okay I literally don’t even know where to start with this entire round, so ughhhh lets just make lil blurbs and word vomit all the thoughts in my head. Okay first, alliances. Me kendall Augusto. I trust these 2 more than anyone else in the game, but Kendall is a mess and a half and has accidentally leaked so much shit or purposely idek I know it’s not malicious, she’s super loyal she’s just silly. She told Scott that me her and Augusto were a trio, which like why tf would u do that ??? anyway, Scott told jakey who told me. Next is me aj kendall Augusto which is a cover up to tell aj to vote dan because the actual vote is aj, but no one wants aj to use his idol. Everyone on our tribe is like sure aj has the idol now, and I’m trying push that too, because I have it lmfao and I don’t want people to know I have it. Next is the new main alliance, me kendall Augusto Scott and jakey. I DONT KNOW ABOUT THIS AT ALLLLLLLLLL, everyone wants to vote aj out, and I’m telling Augusto and Kendall, like y’all realize we are giving them the opportunity to 4-3 us next round? And kill the beauties ?? Like how is that smart ?? But at the same time, getting rid aj could cement Scottie and jakey. It just depends if they try and make a move against me Augusto and Kendall next round if they think we are a trio. However, me and Augusto have planned beyond such and in that case, I have ammo. Let’s check the armoury: - Augusto is insanely tight with Devon now, we can use him as a weapon - jakey ratted on dan to Kendall and ratted on the majority alliance, we can turn dan against jakey. So if Scott and jakey think of pulling a fast one on us, I’ll tank their games so fast and make sure they go down with us . Lastly , I’m fucking terrified. Because with this vote, if jakey Scott Devon and dan team up and vote me just to do it, I’m going to go home 4-3-1. I’m putting my faith in this alliance and my gut is telling me to trust jakey and trust Kendall and trust Augusto. Basically, there’s huge pros and cons to what we are doing right now. However, assessing the situation, if I put my foot down hard and force all 4 beauties to stick together, it’s a bad move for my game . Jakey will be mad, Scottie won’t trust us, and I’d be forcing Kendall and Augusto to do what they don’t want to do, and aj is an ally who is almost never online. It’s simply not worth it. The better move is let aj go, create these bonds and take these risks, and secure that I won’t get caught about the idol And then merge is a whole other fucking story, Ali and autumn and Duncan and Jordan must be dealt with. 

Nothing is chaotic. This is weird. I don't feel in danger anymore and could clearly get away with making the merge. Connor has left me on seen once already and I've voted him out before. Target numero uno, come on down!

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelor, season twenty-two, episode one: call me a private detective on a hbo comedy because i am bored to death.

Admittedly, I don’t know many things.

I really know a lot of things about the things I do know, but the things I don’t know I don’t care about. There are things I want to know but haven’t had the time or patience to learn - looking at you, crocheting.

But I do know that Arie Ludenchyksdjkfds, Jr. has the personality of low-fat mayonnaise. You know Lay’s Lightly Salted chips? Arie was the inspiration for those. Arie is massively boring and I kind of love him for it. Then again, we were last treated with Nick Viall and Ben Higgins before him, so we’re realistically just dealing with different shades of beige at this point.

Arie is our Little Engine That Could1 who so badly wanted to be the Chosen One - both by Emily Maynard and for the title of The Bachelor. It’s been five years since his turn on La Bachelorette2, and in that five years, he hasn’t dated and he’s stopped racing cars and now is in real estate! HOW SPLENDIDLY BORING. But now he’s ready to settle down. Because the race is over, but it’s really just beginning.

I hate what this show does to me.

Sean and Catherine roll up with their baby, and Sean salts the would that he was picked to be Bachelor over Arie in some weird way of attempting to convince us all this process works for people. See? They have a baby! They get to do other reality shows now! It’s all great! Arie does his obligatory photoshoot and moves into the Bachelor Fuck Pad.

And away... we... go.

We’re greeted by Chris Harrison, who’s back to being my Mortal Enemy once again after the disaster that was last season of Paradise. He’s all skeevy telling us that Arie’s the best kisser the show ever had and how they’ve collected a great group of girls that all thought they were going to get Peter as The Bachelor and now they’re stuck with Arie!

We meet Chelsea, who’s a single mom from Portland, Maine3 who’s pumped that Arie’s the bachelor because Emily Maynard was a single mom, and so is she! Relationship connections be damned, they have something in common. Next in Caroline, a realtor from Fort Lauderdale. She’s my age and has already sold $5 million in sales and I want to jump from a bridge. Caroline is boring.

Next is Maquel, which is not a fucking name, and she’s a professional photographer, which means she may own a Canon Rebel she bought in high school. She’s like, 23, and said she watched Arie on The Bachelorette. 5 years ago. That’s just gross, imo. Nysha’s a big fan of adrenaline rushes - she’s a nurse and likes skydiving.

Oh my god, they’re all so boring. I can’t be witty when I’m half asleep.

Tia is 26 and from Weiner, Arkansas. Cue weiner jokes all around this podunk town. Oh, and we get to see Raven from Nick’s season! She’s the reason Tia’s here. If it doesn’t work out, their friendship is over. Hell, it’s over if it does. Raven would lose it. Kendall collects taxidermy and plays the god damn ukulele4 and lives in Los Angeles. I hate Kendall. That’s all. I bet Kendall has a Pinterest page called “wanderlust”.

Bekah reminds me of my friend Jordan with her cute short haircut. She’s a nanny, but considers herself gentle and exciting. Next up is Marikh, who needs to be the center of attention and be pursued. She runs an Indian restaurant with her mom and Marikh is my favorite.

Krystal is 29, lives in San Diego, and Krystal reminds me so much of Kristen Chenoweth I can’t handle it. She’s like a taller, more deluded Kristen Chenoweth. She’s very into nutrition and helping others, she donates to the homeless because her brother is homeless and refuses her help. I didn’t cry.

Fuuuck I cried with Krystal help me.

THE LIMOS ARE ARRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris Harrison greets Arie and they pretend like they like each other for a bit. Arie’s nervous because realistically he never really expected it to happen. Chris Harrison is essentially like “what’s wrong with you?” and Arie’s like “Emily was it for me and that’s it so it’s time to find someone like her.” Or some nonsense. I can’t figure out what Arie’s narrative is going to be this season. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison tries to hide his horns.

Caroline is the first out of the limo in a white sequined gown. She makes a hilariously bad “off the market” job in reference to them both being realtors. It’s so bad, but it works. Chelsea is next, and there’s nothing worth commenting on except she's trying to be mysterious and failing. Kendall is nervous as hell. Then Seinne comes out and I scream because I love when black women arrive on this show in any capacity. She gifts him elephant cuff-links with such a well thought out response, I died.

Next is Tia, who’s there to continue her weiner jokes. Bibiana doesn’t know that blue eyes are a recessive gene. Krystal gets a big reaction in her red dress. Krystal’s vocal fry is so real. Bekah arrives in a classic car and all the girls are incensed - it’s going to be a long night and it’s only just beginning.

Jenna is 100% arms and hands when she talks. Jessika gives him a rock. None of the girls expected the competition to be as tough as it is on night one, but it’s like they’ve never seen this show before. Becca K basically convinces Arie to get on his knee for her, and I like her immediately.

There’s about a baziilion Laurens this season, and Lauren S. is the first one. Then comes Lauren J. ANOTHER LAUREN B. and another Lauren J,, then Lauren G. oh my god. They should have done what Tyra Banks does on Top Model5 and made thse girls go by nicknames. God damn.

Cue the “we’re trying too hard to impress” montage. One woman is too tan and owns a spray-tan company and has seen a lot of dicks. One woman asks Arie to smell her. I need to nap.

Okay, I’m awake again.

We do get Annaliese, who arrives in a mask because i LOVE WHEN PEOPLE WEAR MASKS ON THIS SHOW. We never learn your face. Maquel whips her head after she takes her helmet off like she thinks she’s in Talladega Nights. Maquel is 23 years old, and Maquel needs to focus her priorities elsewhere, in my humble opinion.

Then Chris Harrison comes in and reminds us all of the First Impression Rose, aka the You Gave Me My First Non-Viagra Boner In Years6. All the girls scream when Arie walks in and reminds us that it’s be FIVE YEARS since he was on this franchise. Five fucking years he just sat around and waited to be picked as Bachelor.

Chelsea is the first to swoop in and grab Arie, barely after their arms have fallen after the toast. All the girls are shooketh at how quickly Chelsea ran up in there, but guys - that’s the name of the game. Get in there quick, figure out if it’s right, and if it is, coo, if it’s not, bye. Go back to your normal lives. He literally has two-and-a-half baker’s dozens of women waiting to meet him over the span of basically three hours.

Arie thinks Chelsea’s mysterious after meeting her for 30 seconds. I guess her trying to appear mysterious worked for him, and now I’ve confirmed that likely Arie is one of the reasons Family Guy is in its sixteenth season. There are just some shows where I just wonder “who is still watching you?” Arie’s still watching Family Guy. He’s that kind of person. Chelsea talks about making a sacrifice and Arie’s like I’M INTRIGUED and I’m just like, bitch, tell him you have a kid and get it over with. Do not keep your kid a secret from someone you want to be your future partner. I don’t understand the looooogic. Chelsea is pissed when Maquel comes and interrupts them.

I love when people get upset at the general conceit of this entire show like it hasn’t been running since Arie was born (i.e. 850 B.C.). Chelsea is salty as hell that Maquel, who arrived in a racecar and is twenty-three years old, had the gall to interrupt her. She’s like, “Of course it’s the girl in the LOUD CAR that interrupted me.” Is there any girl you wouldn’t have been upset with, Chelsea? “Baby Christina Ricci over there interrupted me with her flat chest and baby face.” “One of the MILLIONS OF LAURENS interrupted me by being a Lauren all over the place!”

Quit it, Chelsea. Quit it7.

Maquel, who is still twenty-three trying to date a thirty-six year old8 takes a selfie with Arie, and god, he is so boring. Even his “goofy” faces are boring. Meanwhile, Khelsey is still complaining about how bad it would look for Maquel to interrupt them, and Maquel admits that she and Arie talked about pretty much nothing during their conversation.

These people.

Arie talks to some girl who doesn’t even get a chyron so clearly she’s a NonFactor of the moment, and we learn that 36-year-old Arie came back because he’s a Man now, instead of 31-year-old Arie, who was Just A Boy. We infantilze white men so easily in this country, ain’t no way in hell a 31-year-old is a boy. He still can’t stop mentioning his connection with Emily, though. He doesn’t know why it works better for him on The Bachelor than it does in real life other than it’s a completely isolated situation where your only focus is on one other person the entire time, so it’s just easier. Arie sounds lazy AF. Basically he’s telling us it probably didn’t work for him in real life because he moves far too quickly too easily and at least on The Bachelor it’s socially acceptable and actually praised.

Arie joins Marikh on an outdoor couch and he literally looks like a little boy talking to his therapist. I firmly take back every complaint I had about Nick last season because Arie is SO BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He has nothing to say. At all. Everything is “I’m just as nervous as you,” and “I’m looking to meet someone, too.” There’s this amazing moment on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills where Mauricio Umansky is talking and Camille Grammer is basically repeating everything he says to him back to his face “So sad,” “It’s so... sad.” and that’s what I imagine dating Arie is like.

If I wanted that, I’d get a parrot.

All of the black girls (and Annaliese, still wearing her sparkly mask) talk about if they’ve dated interracially before and honestly this is probably the most screentime at least two of them will have until they’re eliminated. I cannot tell any of these women apart - and they’re giving so many little cutaways of the girls just being hopeful that they’ll get a 1/30 chance of being picked or realistically, a 1/909 chance of being picked at The Bachelorette.

Brittany takes Arie aside and they race like, minicars and all she wants to do is kiss him. Brittany wins and gets a kiss, and I’m just thrilled a black girl got the first kiss of the season. SO PROUD. All the other girls are like, “wait, it’s been fifteen minutes and he’s already kissing?” Khelsey is mostly mad that she feels she had thirty seconds with Arie and everyone else got like, ten minutes or an hour or five years10.

Oh, Kendall brought her ukulele. She sang a song about fish. I am sitting here with just a stank face on. I can’t help myself.

There’s a lot of girls feeding Arie, including one girl who confesses that “pineapple” is her safe word. Jenna gives Arie a foot massage and she’s very in tune with her senses so her being 100% arms makes sense. Jenna’s a little drunk already and I love it. I love the first drunk girl. Annaliese is unsure if she wants Arie to see her face behind her mask, and she’s already my favorite becuase she’s “not a nickname kind of person.” Me either. My name has three syllables. Annaliese also has my favorite dress of the night - the teal gown with the cutouts, gorgeous.

Becca K. and Arie have nice, if not bland conversation, but it’s the conversation that two people who are comfortable have. So many of the girls are freaking out because they haven’t talked to Arie yet, and of course, here comes Human Toenail Chris Harrison to drop the First Impression Rose down. Having the First Impression Rose is both a good thing and a bad thing - clearly he likes you, but the girls already know you’re a threat.

The girls who haven’t had a moment essentially start lining up one by one and waiting in a corner to start interrupting Arie and trying to get their time in. And Khelsey, fueled entirely by the notion that She Was Robbed, decided now it’s time for her second go-around. She regrets going first because she’s worried about being forgotten. Krystal, my emotionally fragile broken bird, is with Arie, and he’s like, “I want to get to know you.” And the first thing out of her mouth is, “I’m a Libra.”

KRYSTAL STOP IT. Tell him you like health and fitness! Tell him you do work out videos or whatever! Hell, tell him you really like lipstick. ANYTHING BUT YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN, PUH-LEASE. Khelsey comes in when Arie is complimenting Kelsey’s voice11 and asks for more time. She doesn’t care if it makes her unpopular, getting a second round. Effectively, this is Khelsey pissing on Arie’s leg. She just wants to remind him of who she is and make sure that he knows she’s there for him. They kiss, and she’s nice enough to be like, “okay, go be with the other girls.”

How kind of you, Khelsey. She immediately runs to the other girls what she did and they’re all like, “oh, that’s who she is.” Because the house has zero clocks and they only have a rose to stare at, the girls are already going stircrazy. Khelsey’s literally like, “Oh, I didn’t know a few of you had never talked to him,” and pretending like she really cared. Arie wants to make sure the girl he picks is honest and truthful and really shares with him, which... god. It makes these women sound like peanut butter, and not in the RuPaul kind of way12. One girl is even like, my dad met you once and he just passed away but he approves, which is basically what everyone wants to hear on a first date.

Bekah, who is twenty-two years old and needs to get away from this franchise immediately, repeats her opening line over and over while Arie talks about three things that make him excited to be alive.

Excitement - Arie is excited about excitement and I am actually crying, he really is Lightly Salted Lays

Adrenaline - ... How is adrenaline any different from excitement? I’ll wait.

Pizza - It’s official, Arie is the personification of the Basic White Dude Starter Kit.

Bekah’s answers are straight fire. And she’s twenty-two years old. Arie’s a dweeb.

Arie comes in for the First Impression Rose, and he grabs Khelsey. Her re-return worked in her favor, and Arie appreciated her going after what she wanted. Krystal is especially pissed because she felt like she was in the middle of something with Arie when Khelsey came back.

We head into the first Rose Ceremony of the season, and the sun is rising. This entire experience seems exhausting. I’m one of those “I need a vacation from this vacation” kind of people - my time off is usually jam packed with all the shit I didn’t do because I was working, so I can only imagine that this would be my personal hell. I’m always tired. If they told me my call was 11:30 PM I’d be out. There are very few occasions where going out that late has ever ended well for me.

THE ROSES ARE GIVEN AWAY IN THE CEREMONY OF ROSES.

Becca K., Kendall, Lauren G., Koach Krystal, Bekah, Lauren S., Seinne, Caroline, Brittany T., Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie13, Jacqueline, Jenny14, Lauren B., Ashley, Tia, and Maquel all get roses. Maquel has the indecency to be like “Arie, why’d you do that to me?!” and that seems like quite the insensitive joke to be making at that moment, Maquel.

We’re saying goodbye to Ali, Amber, Bri, Brittane J., Jessica, Lauren J., Nysha and Olivia, of course, because we got to know them so well. Then again, Nysha did get an opening segment. Nysha, we barely knew you.

The girls are ejected into the daylight and while they’re upset now, they feel a heavy, boring burden lifted off of their shoulders. Arie’s in the driver’s seat now (eyeroll). It’s gonna be more like a Subaru than a racecar, though.

This Season on El Bachelor: We’re in Tuscany! We’re in Paris! Bekah making out in front of the Moulin Rouge! Making out in the snow! Tia’s in love! Krystal’s in love! My queen Sienne is in love! Khelsey thinks she deserves more time with Arie because she’s a mother and that means she gets more time. I don’t understand that logic, but okay. Bibiana’s not here to fuck around and tells the cameras to get out of her face. Krystal’s facade has broken. Everyone thinks Bekah’s so young (she is). Teary montage! Arie’s caught the feels! Someone’s ex is back and there to get his girl back.

... So, basically, your standard Bachelor season.

See you soon.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Jessica looks like just Jessalyn Gilsig. So many people on this season are just versions of other people.

I’m so sorry this blog is so late. I’m catching up. I swear. I’m not going to be that behind. ONWARDS AND CATCHING UPWARDS.

How tired of the race car puns are we going to get and how quickly?

God damn it, even this show has me making stupid racecar references. ↩︎

They made out against the John Lennon Wall in Prague! I did that! ↩︎

I almost said the “white Portland” and then I realized they’re both the White Portland so, you decide. ↩︎

Why does everyone want to play the ukulele and no one wants to play the goddamn harmonica? ↩︎

Something something podcast something something. ↩︎

Arie is basically as old as Jax Taylor, who invented dating. ↩︎

I’m genuinely shocked that her name is spelled the traditional way, and not the millions of phonetic variations. I weirdly want to call her Khelsey. I keep typing Khelsey. ↩︎

YOU TWO HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON. I dated someone ten years older than I was and that to me was a fine line, I’m just lucky I had two older brothers who treated me like I was their age. Let me put it this way: Arie’s still using Snapchat and you think Instagram Stories are “old school”. ↩︎

My early predictions for The Bachelorette? Tia. I think if Raven had wanted it last season, it would have been hers - but for the first episode out, I’m just calling Tia my front runner. ↩︎

That’s Emily. ↩︎

Manic Pixie Vocal Fry tbh ↩︎

MUST BE JELLY CAUSE JAM DON’T SHAKE ↩︎

WHO? ↩︎

Along with 100 Laurens, they had a Jenny and a Jenna? Nothing is good in this world. ↩︎

[romancevsreality-blog]

bachelor in paradise, season five, episode one: do not trust anyone with a permanent smile on their face

I can’t believe we’re back here again.

By “back here”, I mean literally sitting in my bed, drinking an enormous iced coffee, and wondering where we all went wrong in life. And by “back here”, I mean Fuck Island: The Battle For Social Humiliation. Hi, I’m Amanda, the lead blogger and the laziest person on the face of the earth, back again, two weeks late, recapping the fifth season of Bachelor in Paradise, the actual worst show on television.

Up until last year, I firmly fell into the opposite camp - I thought Bachelor in Paradise deserved a god damn Peabody Award for The Audacity Of Being On Television. But after the Corinne and Demario crash-and-burn-and-pay-them-to-keep-quiet1 of 2017, the show kind of left a gross taste in my mouth. And following the Defense Against Criticism of Racist and Sexist Behavior, or the most recent season of The Bachelorette, I’m losing hope in humanity. It wasn’t fun to talk about anymore, it just made me angry.

I still hate these people, but now I want to slam my keyboard again and remind them what the fuck is up. So welcome back to Fuck Island, Y'all!

The episode opens with reminding us of Jade And Tanner, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged Two Years Ago In Paradise And Married On TV Early Last Year and Then Had A Baby, Remember Them? as well as the new Paradise SuperCouple, Evan And Carly, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged Last Year In Paradise And Married On TV Last Year and Then Had A Baby Too, Remember Them? They’re determined to make us forget Marcus and Lacy, too, because their marriage was a sham and apparently Lacy straight up ghosted Marcus, but also, that story is still hilarious.

Oh, Marcus. Marcus should come back on Paradise and get his Nick Viall edit.

So let’s go over the opening credits, shall we?

They’re still using the poor cover of “Almost Paradise” because someone on this series refuses to buy the real version -this show has a budget of $100. We get shots of the guys in the water, people on speedboats, people making out, all the girls running in their bathing suits… and first up is Jordan, laying on his side like a washed-up beach whale struggling to breathe. Kendall is looking at what is her best option for a romantic partner, the skull of a bull. I don’t know who Angela is. Eric dances like he’s your favorite cousin at your great aunt’s 88th birthday party. Chris is not even worth acknowledging because he’s awful and I wish the wave that washed over him drowned him. They put Tia in a red, white, and blue bathing suit because she thinks she’s America’s sweetheart. These people could write a book on subtlety. Krystal throws... glitter? Kevin leans into that “sexy firefighter” thing, an occupation I have never found to be sexually appealing. Can someone in the comments explain why there are “sexy firefighters” and not like, “sexy restaurant managers”? Bibiana has a new haircut and drops a mic because we love unexplained jokes that only make sense later on in the episode when we see the source. MY BOYFRIEND WILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Astrid holds up some melons and I love her bathing suit so I will refrain from calling her Astird for now. Grocery Store Joe can straight up get it. Nysha looks like my friend Rae’s sister and clearly is too good for this show. David’s clearly recovered from his Bachelorette season injury but he just looks untrustworthy. Annaliese, who no one remembers, is freaking out about a bird? KENNY who we don’t deserve does an amazing backflip and Chelsea holds a glass. Nick, who I am strangely attracted to, particularly in that track suit because he reminds me of Jeremy Renner is a weird melted down kind of way, shows us what’s under that track suit and damn. DAAAAAMN, Waxy Jeremy Renner. And then finally, Venmo John counts his pesos and god, I love him.

Oh, and my Ex-Boyfriend Wills and Mortal Enemy, Chris Harrison are in Sayulita, too. Mexico, I am so sorry.

Chris Harrison pretends like he’s setting up the island area where these contestants are going to be hanging out. Chris Harrison doesn’t know how to hold a rake, let alone operate one, and why is he raking sand?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! I am most uncomfortable with seeing Chris Harrison barefoot. That feels far too intimate from a man I despise. Anyway, they’re going to remind us of who these people are.

First up is Kendall, the Not Like the Other Girls Girl from Arby’s season. Kendall is different! She likes dead stuff and the most annoying instrument[^2] and loves posing on the beach in a bikini. Next is Kenny, who’s still hurting from his breakup with Rachel. We get to see McKenzie, his 11-year-old daughter, and I’m FULL OF EMOTIONS. Kevin Is Canadian and immediately reveals that Ashley I cheated on him with Jared. I love that. Throw that shade, Canadian Kevin. Krystal is also back, and she wants the world to know that she’s a good cook, including able to frost an angel food cake. Chris is back and he’s totally trying to Josh Murray himself and redeem his image from Becca’s season. Oh, Chris. You’re on the wrong show for that. He calls himself The Goose, and I already know that’s the “do the damn thing” of this season.

[^2] I will fight anyone on the ukelele being an annoying instrument. I get it, it’s cultural, but it’s unfortunately been appropriated by a certain sect of people and I’m annoyed by THAT mostly. Why can’t they just play the banjo? Or the trombone?

Speaking of birds, David the Chicken who doesn’t like avocados is back with his long-ass eyebrows. He lives at home in Boca Raton with his mom, because David is a catch. Unfortunately, he can’t marry his mom, but he’s coming to paradise to come after Jordan. Jordan’s got a full arsenal of looks to wear and roasting of Chicken David to do in Paradise. Annaliese is remembered for her bumper car trauma and fear of dogs and pretty much everything. She’s afraid of redheads, sand, sombreros, birds, large bodies of water, so... an island in Mexico is perfect for her. My Queen Bibiana is there for her third Bachelor series in six months and she’s just ready for all bikinis and hoping her ass slaughters al the men. Me too, Bibi. I love you. My Boyfriend Wills also shows us his sartorial choices of the season, and he’s ready to loosen up. Have his eyes always been that green? God. He’s like Smoky Robinson.

Ugh, Tia. Tia gets the longest of the opening montages because they want to torture us all. The only thing I like about Tia is that fact that TIa is thirsty as hell and not afraid to show her disappointment. Openly sad about Becca as The Bachelorette. Coming in twice to piss on Colton’s leg on The Bachelorette. Saying “I’m only here for Colton.” Tia is obvious about what it is she wants and we hate her for it. Because she’s thirsty.

Alright, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, welcome to Fuck Island, where the people are heading in. The first in is Tia, who is like MY JOURNEY MY JOURNEY MY JOURNEY!!!! This is her chance to pretend she’s The Bachelorette. She’s the first person to arrive and her new fake boobs are on display. She’s like, “the person who comes down the stairs could be my partner,” and the next person is Eric, who looks like a mascot. Kendall arrives “open to love” because Kendall isn’t like the other girls.

Next down is Jordan, clearly long enough for the three of them to get drinks. Jordan’s happy to be in a place as beautiful as he is. Tia makes mention of Jordan’s villain edit on his season and Jordan’s like, “sometimes it’s best to know someone before judging them.” Bibi comes down and makes a joke to Chris Harrison about the bumpy road to Paradise and how much her uterus hurts. It’s not a great joke. Is it a joke? Yes. Bibiana arrives as a flamboyant ball of fire and I love her. Jordan and Bibi have something, but Bibi is waiting for the real sign of a good guy. It's never coming, Bibi. Men are trash.

God, Grocery Store Joe, my mumble-mouthed handsome Chicago man, arrives ready to fall in love and doesn’t want to get home straight away again. That’s his main goal. Next is in My Boyfriend Wills, who immediately comes face to face with My Ex-Boyfriend Wells, who managed to maintain his job as bartender despite not knowing how to bartend. How White Man of him. No wonder we broke up. Chelsea comes in, looking pretty much just like Krystal, and all the guys jump on her. Chelsea is a hot mom. Kendall and GroStoJoe talk about picnics, and Joe’s like, “I’m not a picnic kind of person,” while Kendall is like “I like to have picnics in graveyards.” Kendall asks if Joe has ever seen a dead person, and it’s all... yeah. Stop it, Kendall.

Chris, my worst nightmare, shows up in some salmon pink shorts and I’m gagging. All the contestants are waiting to see who’s arriving next, and they all hope it’s not Krystal. Particularly Tia and Bibiana, who both say she’s a bad person. Krystal arrives and the dramatic music starts. Welcome to paradise, Y'all. Krystal talks about the stress of The Bachelor on her, but she can recognize that Chris shares part of her name. Tia is literally like “I’m happy she’s here, but I want to kill her.” Krystal has some bass in her voice and is speaking like a normal person, not with that weird lilt to her she was pulling off all Arby’s season. Kendall’s worried someone’s going to be interested in both her and Krystal and so of course, Joe goes after Krystal first.

Canadian Kevin, Waxy Jeremy Renner, and Venmo John all arrive. Of course, Kendall is about John because “I’m a sucker for nerds.” Kendall really isn’t like the other girls. Nysha, one of the girls from Arby’s season who we barely knew arrives, and so does Angela, whoever the hell Angela is. Who is Angela? Angela is gorgeous but man, I have no idea who she is. Our Favorite Dad Kenny arrives and McKenzie refuses to let him come back if he doesn’t have someone. I love this show. Kenny is talking to Nysha, but Astird walks in and I already know I’m going to get her and Angela confused.

Tia keeps looking over everyone’s shoulders in hopes that Colton is coming down the stairs. She thinks she’s being slick about it, but everyone notices and it’s hilarious. Annaliese comes down in her Romwe romper and Jordan immediately tells her he’s interested, attracted, and he’s known for being arrogant form his season. David arrives and Jordan immediately freezes up. Someone calls out “Jordan, David’s here!” and they’re expecting drama to go down between them. It doesn’t, Jordan and David have a handshake and David walks away. It’s just awkward. Tia’s bummed that David’s the last entry and Colton, in fact, will not be arriving that day. Everyone’s like “MOVE ON TIA” and Tia’s conflicted on what she wants out of Colton, it seems.

Chris Harrison comes in and tells them the rules - there are more women than men this week, and the guys aren’t safe this week. They need to pair up ASAP or else they won’t get the chance to be the next Jade And Tanner, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged Two Years Ago In Paradise And Married On TV Early Last Year and Then Had A Baby, Remember Them? or Evan And Carly, The Golden Couple Who Got Engaged Last Year In Paradise And Married On TV Last Year and Then Had A Baby Too, Remember Them?

The girls are ecstatic that they have control, except Tia. Tia’s mad she’s going to have to talk to someone other than Colton, even though she’s safe that week. God, I hate her. Joe and Tia sit down and Joe’s getting his flirt on and getting his camera time. He’s making up for lost time, apparently. Colton immediately comes up and you can tell Joe barely remembers Colton. But Tia talks about how she had a “relationship” with Colton before his time on Becca’s season of La Bachelorette and they haven’t spoken since. Joe would want to give his date card to Tia, but he can tell Tia’s not over Colton.

Colton, Colton, Colton.

Tia, the only person who didn’t want a date card, gets a date card. The producers want to torture her. She actually yells “NO!!!” when her name is on the card, and I agree with Bibiana - she needs to be open to her options and she’s super upset at the idea. She literally said “I came here o find something serious and lasting with Colton,” a guy she went on two dates with once a few months ago. This is such alarming behavior. Everyone’s upset by Tia but they’re all pretending it’s okay.

Tia really confirms her trash taste by choosing Chris for her date card.

Joe’s like, “I’m disappointed,” but everyone is like “dude, bullet dodged.” Krystal is thrilled Joe wasn’t picked by Joe until Joe takes Kendall aside for some private time. Kendall and Joe are cute and talk about storms and they like each other and make out on one of the day beds. Kendall’s mom warned her about making out on one of the day beds, and here we are day one!!!!! Krystal, meanwhile, is just baffled by the entire idea of Joe and Kendall. Joe isn’t the guy for her, it’s confirmed.

So it’s nighttime, and we have a few connections already made - Joe and Kendall, Annaliese and Venmo John, and David thinks Angela is in his league2. But that’s it - a few people have been left behind and ignored, and we see a great awkward conversation between Nysha and Jordan. In the wake of Joe and Kendall hooking up, Krystal’s interested in Kevin, who isn’t nearly as hot everyone wants us to think. He looks like a rough draft of a person. They both talk about how hot the other is and they make out on another of the day beds. Gross3.

Chelsea, one of the most beautiful women this franchise has ever had, is on the couch with Wax Jeremy Renner, and he’s way into her. He doesn’t care that she’s a mom, he’s super into that and thinks he’d make a great role model. He’s super attracted to Chelsea, too and continues to be like “man, I would make out with you if you wanted to,” but she starts feeling sick. Chelsea is my queen. The other contestants talk about Tia and Chris’s date and how it’s unfair because Tia has unfinished business with a guy who’s not even there. Astird is correct in saying Tia probably should have given her date card away rather than go out with someone she was only interested in until someone else comes in.

As if Tia would ever give up the chance to be on camera.

Tia and Chris sit down to dinner that they’re not really going to eat, and Chris is shocked he’s even out with Tia. Tia brings up Colton first, and basically says “I’m here because I want to be here with you.” Chris is thrilled and is in Paradise to hang out with people he wouldn’t necessarily hang around. They both want to leave Paradise with a real relationship. They continue to cut back to the villa, where My Boyfriend Wills and Astird both think that Chris and Tia will have a fun date, even if it is a platonic one. But it doesn’t matter, because they both make out while fireworks go off!

Tia’s like “Colton Who?” Which is such a mature response and a clear indicator of where her mind is?

The next morning, Tia and Chris are all lovey-dovey and kissing, and everyone’s excited for them, which is why Colton’s arriving now. Production needs to take a class in subtlety because they even add the “thunder crashing” and “ominous clouds” videos, even though it’s gorgeous when Chris Harrison talks to Colton, who you know not to trust because he is permanently smiling. Colton tells Chris Harrison he’s not there just for Tia, but his world is open. He has a date card (barf). Colton arrives and immediately Chris is set off course and Tia is smiling like the Cheshire fucking cat. She can’t even pretend not to be over the moon. She fully expects Colton’s date card to go to her an- Colton takes Kendall aside first. Everyone’s like “him not grabbing Tia is a signal.” Kendall tells Tia and gets the deets, and everyone thinks it’s awkward to not grab Tia first. Chris, meanwhile, is spiraling, and he’s terrified Tia is going to go out with Colton.

I mean, Tia’s going to go out with Colton. That was written in First Corinthians. Poor Angela, though. I mean that in the “it hurts now but you dodged a bullet” way.

Chelsea, Nysha, and Angela are all hoping that this date will at least come out with some solid “yes-or-no” on the Tia and Colton situation. Jordan says this is Chris’s Vietnam. It’s a weak metaphor. Astrid and Wax Jeremy Renner HATE Colton. Wax Jeremy Renner calls Colton a “fame chaser”, and Astird thinks that Colton just likes having Tia on the back burner in case something else doesn’t turn out. Fuck Colton.

Tia and Colton talk about their first date from six months ago, where they basically spent a weekend together. Like, two dates. That’s it. Tia’s hoping they can recreate that weekend in Paradise, but this is an extra AF reaction for TWO dates. Chelsea also hates Colton, because he can’t figure it out - is he there to date Tia and fuck the “I’m open to everyone here” idea, or is be big enough of a dick to date other girls in front of Tia? Either way, he looks like a dick. Colton brings up what Tia did to make Becca send Colton home, and Colton is still pissed. Like, he’s trying to pretend like he’s not, but he’s still super mad because apparently he was in love with Becca and Tia got in the way of that.3 Tia is sorry if he feels like he missed out, but she didn’t want to miss out on her opportunity to get a chance to be with him. Colton doesn’t know what’s there or what could be there with Tia, but he mostly just wants to be on television. Tia wants to know if he feels like there’s something possible between them because she can’t get him out of her head. Colton gives the most nothingburger answer, like “I don’t know, I want to be fair to everyone, I’m not closing the door on this, I’m here to figure out my stuff and be on tv and hopefully become The Bachelor.” Tia doesn’t take this as “Okay, let’s both play the field” like Colton probably intended it to, she just thinks that’ll make him try harder. They go out on a speedboat and then they have a make-out session.

Tia talks on and on about her feelings for Colton, and we never once hear from him. I know that’s on purpose. What Colton is doing is dangerous, and really shouldn’t happen. Just tell someone you’re not interested. That’s it. Back at the villa, Jordan, Chris, and Wax Jeremy Renner are plotting to confront Colton. They all know he’s there to be on television and he isn’t interested in Tia. Kendall and Joe can’t be bothered and don’t understand why they’re bothered, either. The guys are white knighting Tia and they’re hoping they’re going to get to confront him. The two of them have a scarlet letter on them, and they both need to come to terms with it because they’re killing the vibe in paradise.

To be continued...

Next Time: The greatest summer in Bachelor History! Everyone is making out with everyone! Krystal is in love! Hot people on the beach! YUUUKIIIIIIIIIIII1!! Ugh, Leo vs. Joe? Clearly, I’m on one side over the other. Jenna ignites the feud between Jordan and David. Ugh, gross, that gross guy Kamil. Oh my god, Shushanna is back?! Shushanna “Shut up 5s, a 10 is speaking” Russian girl has been accused of being a witch, so I already am on her team. Colton tears. Eye roll. Tia tears. I don’t care. Ben Higgins yells about being unlovable, and gross, Arby is there. ROBB(IE???) WHY???? All of the Bachelor and Paradise alums we don’t care about! Tears!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Okay, this is the best collective group of Paradise alums we’ve had since the first one. Fight me. It’s a bunch of nothing contestants plus a few notable ones.

I love Bibiana and I love Chelsea and I love Astrid. They all else can go in the garbage.

I don’t know if I can handle six weeks of Colton talk and sociopath smiles.

... I really hate those braids on My Boyfriend Wills. Sorry, Wills.

I’m already adorning my tin foil hat here, but Y'all can’t tell me Corinne and Demario didn’t accept a hefty settlement in exchange for The Powers That Be to do whatever they want. ↩︎

David really is a permanent wingman and that is not a compliment. ↩︎

Or, really, Tia was brought in by production to give Becca an excuse to eliminate Colton before Fantasy Suites so she wouldn’t get screamed at by America for eliminating the virgin in the Fanty Sweets. Tinfoil hats abound over here. ↩︎ ↩︎

[sweettoothedtrickster13]

[[Image I.D.- a series of tweets by Mikki Kendall, verified @/Karnythia

I am fascinated by how many people have assumed the kid having the tantrum on the train is on the spectrum & this needs extra patience.

I can say with some authority a Black kid on the spectrum having that same issue wouldn’t get half as much patience nor would his parent

My youngest is on the spectrum. He had a tantrum in our house when he was 2. My white neighbor threatened to call the cops on me. But okay

When I tell you that my kids couldn’t act that way? That’s totally the voice of experience. Because Black boys on the spectrum can’t do that

At least not if you want to avoid being reported to DCFS or having them handcuffed at school or you know...shot by a cop. Just saying.

This is the voice of a bitter Black mom speaking through. Because I spend 2-3 days every year at his school dealing with racist assumptions

Black boys do not get to have tantrums in public. They do not get to have them at school either. No matter what’s going on. Trust me on that

Because (and here is indeed a fuck you very much) they will get killed if they cannot control themselves. No matter what’s going on.

I have to make sure kid #2 doesn’t have a meltdown in public, isn’t too loud at home either. We live in the hood for a reason.

If he’s having a rough day? My neighbors won’t call the cops. They will look out for him. But then they’re Black & they get it.

We literally work with him constantly on impulse control and self soothing. Because I want him to live past 20.

There’s no compassion for kids like my son. My patience for your white ass feelings about Black parenting is pretty much nonexistent.

I’m a hardass. I know that. I do. But then I’ve had a dozen giant red warning signs that my kid can’t stay alive if he’s not in control.

Get at me when your kid on the spectrum has a meltdown & you get a call about the possibility of charges being pressed for yelling. 

Because he’s tall & Black & repeated the same profanity as all the other kids involved in the fight. Call me when you realize he’s at risk.

I want you to sit at a table & listen to an adult white woman tell you she doesn’t like teaching your kid because he’s scary at 8.

Not that he’s been violent or threatening. Nope. He just yelled at her one day after she blamed him for being bullied. Go to that meeting.

Get a call about your kid being a problem because he’s too flat when he speaks. Not that he’s done anything. They don’t like his voice.

Have the “We’re going to write him up for trespassing” conversation because your kid sat in an empty classroom to study. Have that call.

My kids get good grades. They don’t do half the shit I did. But I have two sons & I stay in their schools keeping them safe from admins

Meanwhile one of my neighbors did 10 years for attempted murder. He’s got no training. But he stops & chats with every kid on our block

He warns them off gangs & listens when they’re mad. He helped teach kid #2 to throw a football. Because he knows how easy it is to get lost.

The grace you show to white kids? Try showing it to all kids. Our girls aren’t grown at 5 & our boys aren’t weapons at birth.

End image ID]