#if i start now ill get to simon pegg by

[milkcricket]

I Simon Pegged to close to the sun???

I have now watched Hot Fuzz so many times that parts of me are getting silly and goofy while thinking about Mission Impossible. Simon Peg does not show up in the series until about 250 minutes in. Would it be irrational to watch  AT MINIMUM 3 whole mission impossible movies just for a silly guy.

Yes it would be. But I’ve done it before for other sillies, what’s the difference here?

The difference is that I would have to watch 2 whole mission impossible before I get to the first one with Simon Peg in it. This has risks including but not limited too, adopting TOM CRUSIE as new silly guy. Rationally I cant let this happen.

You may say, hey milkcricket just watch any other Simon Peg film, you praise the cornetto trilogy so much watch Shawn of the Dead or The Worlds End.          To that I say, no. I honestly don't care for Shawn and his thing and the worlds end is a movie I watch when I’m sad. Further Benji fucking Dunn has wormed into my mind and I love a good action film.

In conclusion I have Pegged to close to the sun and am in a sweaty rage avoiding watching the mission impossible series. Wish me luck gamers I’m fighting the war 

[elizadoolittlethings]

Invaders from Mars written and directed by Mark Gatiss

What’s it about: Hallowe'en 1938. A year after a mysterious meteorite lit up the skies of New York state, Martian invaders laid waste to the nation. At least, according to soon-to-be infamous Orson Welles they did. But what if some of the panicked listeners to the legendary War of the Worlds broadcast weren't just imagining things? Attempting to deliver Charley to her rendezvous in Singapore 1930, the Doctor overshoots a little, arriving in Manhattan just in time to find a dead private detective. Indulging his gumshoe fantasies, the Doctor is soon embroiled in the hunt for a missing Russian scientist whilst Charley finds herself at the mercy of a very dubious Fifth Columnist. With some genuinely out of this world 'merchandise' at stake, the TARDIS crew are forced into an alliance with a sultry dame called Glory Bee, Orson Welles himself and a mobster with half a nose known as 'The Phantom'. And slowly but surely, something is drawing plans against them. Just not very good ones...

Breathless Romantic: Throwing away all of the incoherent nonsense that was suggested in Minuet in Hell, Mark Gatiss kicks off the second year of the 8th Doctor’s audio adventures by writing for his character with as much zest and enthusiasm as possible. He is extraordinarily fun throughout, making it all up as he goes along and juggling up super powers and Martians with equal aplomb. The closest comparison I can think of is Tom Baker in Talons of Weng-Chiang – in that story the Doctor seems to adore the living homage he is experiencing and has a sense of glee about the whole experience, throwing out witty lines and dazzling the enemies with his fiendishness. That’s exactly the same feeling I got with the 8th Doctor and Invaders of Mars – that he loved every second of his stroll around 1930’s America.

He loves a detective story and always seems to end up helping the police with their enquiries. It is a constant mystery to the Doctor that whilst he is showing his companions the wonders of the universe they are striving to get home and return to a normal life. He has a stab at the witty film noir-ish dialogue swearing that he is an expert at the local patter but Glory Bee merely thinks he is ill. He only sleeps once in a while. Every now and then he treats himself to a complete makeover – what a great way of explaining regeneration. By episode three he is juggling the Nazis, the Russians, the CIA, gangsters and Martians and he barely breaks a sweat. Devine asks if he is a part of Victorian revival week. He is a huge fan of Orson Welles and has seen all of his movies even though they haven’t been made yet. He has the brilliant plan of using the War of the Worlds scare to scare of a genuine alien threat and wants to get in on the action so orders Charley into the TARDIS so he can grab the mike and have a go at playing the monsters trying to take over the world!

Edwardian Adventuress: Does Charley appear in this? Not really…she is kidnapped early in episode one, drugged in episode two, escapes in episode three and tails behind the Doctor in episode four. This is the Doctor’s story through and through but never mind as the next story is the ultimate Charley story.

Great Ideas: As you can imagine this is full of the imagination you would come to expect from one of the League of Gentlemen. Cosmo Devine is such a fantastic character, the life and soul of every party and the biggest crook on the planet! He uses Jimmy and Biro and murders them both afterwards. Glory Bee is revealed to be a Russian Agent and ends up falling off the Brooklyn Bridge to her watery death. The Nazis, the Soviets and the CIA all want to get their hands on the alien technology and created weapons to control the world. I love how the Martian scare of War of the Worlds is subtly squeezed into the story around all the political shenanigans going on elsewhere. It is a great use of a genuine historical event. Devine’s associates turn out to be the Nazi’s and he is a most unusual sympathiser and has visions of the Master Race with flying saucers and death rays – it is such a clichéd idea but a refreshing way of telling the same sort of story. The story really kicks off when Streath and Noriam show up – adult aliens who are as mischievous as the Slitheen when it comes to manipulating the human race and exploiting their wealth. It is basically one big protection racket where they shoot a ship full of alien eggs to different planets and let them hatch and cause the local populace to panic. After fooling them into thinking they are vulnerable they step in and look after them for a modest fee! Devine cottons on to their scheme and steps in to convince them to actually conquer the world! The Doctor sneakily arranges a second broadcast of War of the Worlds for the aliens benefit only and they scarper thinking that beefier invaders have turned up.

Sparkling Dialogue: This is probably Mark Gatiss’ strongest script for Doctor Who when it comes to witty dialogue – it is as sharp as a needle being dragged down your arm! Gatiss clearly adored Devine and every single syllable he utters is as gorgeous as his name. ‘I see little green men all the time! All I need is a few hours with my old friend Jack Daniels!’ ‘I better get you to a darkened room’ ‘I beg your pardon?’ ‘Nice equipment’ ‘I bet you say that to all the girls’ ‘Listen to me you lousy faggot!’ ‘What are you waiting for, Fritzy?’ ‘Martians! From the planet Mars! The red one you passed on the way in…’ ‘’How does it feel to betray your own planet?’ ‘A lot like betraying your own country but a teensy bit more satisfying.’ ‘Err…what’s that ticking?’

Audio landscape: Good golly gosh! Gary Russell is not directing this baby! Wonders will never cease! Gatiss treats this piece like a labour of love and makes it sound as authentic as possible with lots of brilliant US accents and framing the story within a radio broadcast. Cars blast their horns in the pack American traffic, windows smash, the TARDIS grinds through the vortex and there is a fabulous 30’s style death ray effect. I loved the sequence when the Doctor opens up the second storey window and lets in the noise of the traffic, they clamber down the clattering fire escape and bullets bounce off of the walls. Welles reading War of the Worlds in episode two is very creepy. The tacky and melodramatic voices for Streath and Noriam are belly-ache funny. Insects hum in the evening air. Music: It was a wise move to include less music as it allows you to focus much more on the performances but the dramatic stings at the end of scenes really drives home the feel of a 1930’s radio broadcast. The Doctor Who theme is worked in a few times to amusing effect. Standout Performance: What a cast! How can you choose one performance in this repertoire? John Arthur rocks on as the delightful Cosmo Devine, one of the slimiest Doctor Who villains it has been my pleasure to listen to – a homosexual Nazi sympathiser with all the wit of Noel Coward and the ruthlessness of Genghis Khan! Streath and Noriam are a very amusing pair; one is a histrionic world conqueror and the other a cataloguer in awe of what the planet has to offer. Any story with Jessica Stevenson and Simon Pegg is going to stink of quality and Don Chaney and Glory Bee allow them to have great fun with a number of accents. A small mention as well for Ian Hallard’s squeaky voiced Mouse in the first episode who meets a very unfortunate end. Result: I am starting to wonder if I used to be a superficial youth (despite always thinking the contrary as all youths do!) as I used to find this story as boring as sin but in hindsight this is one of the better McGann audios with an infectious sense of fun and lots of marvellous and imaginative ideas. Using the real War of the Worlds Martian scare to excellent effect and giving Paul McGann to take centre stage and wow his audience, Mark Gatiss proves to be the perfect choice to kick of the second season of 8th Doctor Audios. The plotting is watertight and the characters manage to walk that fine line between realism and melodrama with Cosmo Devine taking the place as the campest Nazi sympathiser of all time. India Fisher is sidelined completely but that just makes way for some other fantastic performances and a general feeling of old school Doctor Who produced with real verve. A very strong start: 8/10

[keelywolfe]

Third in the ‘by any other name’ series

Summary:

Edge just wants two things; his lover to be safe and a good place to get a cup of coffee. Naturally, this is too much to ask.

Notes:

I'm just amusing myself at this point. Can't they just be sarcastic and witty and love each other for a little while?

The Beanery wasn't in the most prime location for a coffee shop. Starbucks had claimed all those in town, with at least three in easy walking distance of the college. Despite that, the shop did modest business, particularly with the unspoken knowledge that Monsters were welcome.

Edge parked his car in the outer part of the lot, with spaces empty next to him on both sides. Another little habit that he didn't bother attempting to break; it was safer to have a clear line of sight with the extra bonus of no one being able to ding his car and if Stretch was going to grumble about the walk, he could take a shortcut to the passenger side.

If he was going to talk to Edge this afternoon, that was. This morning had been unpleasantly quiet, to be sure.

Getting Stretch to agree with letting Edge drop him off for a few days had taken more than a little persuasion. Not that he wasn't allowed to take the bus; as per his agreement with the King, after Stretch had signed the statement and deleted a few choice selections from his twitter (and agreed not to post any new ones. And to not ask anyone else to do it for him. And to not post anything to Reddit, Snapchat, Instagram or any other place on the internet or undernet with regards to the Ebott Police. Honestly, Edge hadn't read the entire agreement but he had no doubt Antwan had been thorough). After he'd signed it, he'd had his full privileges reinstated.

It was Edge who was having a difficult time letting him take the bus. Just thinking of Stretch sitting in a cramped vehicle, likely wearing headphones and barely paying attention to his surroundings, humans all around him…and the creature who'd tried to hit him was out there, in the city, perhaps considering retaliation—

Edge was very, very good at compartmentalizing, but not where Stretch was concerned.

Stretch was fairly reasonable about Edge's completely unreasonable concerns, but trying to infringe on the freedom he'd just gotten back hadn't gone over well. That night wasn't the first time Stretch had slept on the sofa, refusing to come to their bed, but it was the first time Edge hadn't left him there alone. He'd sat on floor beside the sofa, leaning against it and listening to Stretch's even breathing the entire night. Stretch was fine, perfectly fine, and Edge hadn't at all spent the night coming up with elaborate fantasies on how to secretly murder the creature who'd dared trying to hurt what was his.

He was under no illusions as to what he would have done if the human had managed it.

Stretch had awoken early to find him still sitting there, shadows beneath his sockets, and his emotional walls crumbling. It hadn't taken him a moment to slide to the floor, crawling half into Edge's lap, arms around his waist and burying his face into his shirt.

"you can chauffeur me around for this week only," Stretch had told him, his voice still sleep-rough. "find a way to get over it, lover; i already told you, the collar and leash stay in the bedroom."

Find a way to get over it.

Right.

The bell on the door rang cheerily as Edge stepped inside. At this time of the afternoon, there were a few college students taking advantage of the free Wi-Fi and no one else in the shop.

Except Stretch, who instead of sitting at his regular table was wearing one of the barista's green aprons, sweeping the floor.

"What are you doing?" Edge asked, resigned.

"uh, cleaning?" His tone clearly suggested that Edge was the crazy one.

Of course. "Let’s try again. Why are you doing that?"

"well, see, that’s a long story but what really matters is they are letting me work off my debt. it’ll only take....what did you say, debbie? five days?"

The shop owner looked up from behind the counter. "Four, sweetie, today counts."

"four days!" Stretch said cheerily. He moved the broom over the floor in exactly the manner of someone who had no idea how to sweep.

Edge stepped up to the counter, surveying the various containers and cake stands filled with treats. Nothing seemed out of place or missing. "What did he break?"

"Sorry, hun," Debbie shook her head and set a steaming cup in front of Edge. "I’m sworn to secrecy."

Wonderful, he was converting people to his side.

Stretch slouched up next to him, flopping down on the counter. "i mean, i am sorry. i really thought it would work. i did the math and nitrous isn't dangerous in those quantities anyway—"

"Stretch…"

"—besides, it would really help with their cold brew. if it worked."

Debbie patted him lightly on the skull and Edge struggled not to tense. He knew the woman had no ill intent but the instinct was hard to ignore. Particularly right now, his emotions roiling far too close to the surface. "I know, dear, you did try."

"You have been allowed back into the city for one day," With a sigh, Edge reached for his wallet, "What does he owe you?"

A hand slapped his own against his pelvis, pinning it down. He did not lash out, he had far better control than that, but the urge still flickered, viciously suppressed. Another coffee may not have been the best idea for his nerves, not with internal volcano he was battling.

"uh uh, sugar daddy, i can pay my own debts."

"Can I at least pay for my coffee?" Edge asked dryly, tugging free and handing Debbie a bill. He waved away the change. "You are not allowed to get me banned from this coffee shop. I like this coffee shop and I don’t want to find another."

"We'd never ban you two, hun. The way you both drink coffee, you're putting my son through college," she patted Stretch on the skull again. "He just needs a job to keep him busy. I keep telling him he needs to start a YouTube channel. His Twitter is hilarious."

"maybe someday," Stretch rolled his head enough to look up at her, "and then years from now you can look back and say you knew me when."

He shifted to stand upright, posing majestically with broom in hand. He looked like a movie poster for a new Simon Pegg film, something about ninja janitors, perhaps. The sight settled something in him, made him want to pull Stretch in and hold him. Instead, Edge pulled out his phone and took a picture.

Stretch sidled over and looked over his shoulder, "who are you sending that to?"

"Blue."

"good, tell him to fucking call me. he’s two continents away, i could use a check in."

Now there was some information. Stretch always managed to be chatty and at the same time saying a frustrating amount of nothing. That he hadn't spoken to his brother lately was worthy of note. "I’d assumed he was calling you daily while you were home bound."

Stretch turned away, sweeping with sudden intensity. Ah yes, that was about as subtle as a flying chainsaw.

"Rus?" Edge prompted, softly.

He waited patiently, watching Stretch fumbling with the dust pan. When that became too much for him to bear, he took it away, crouching to hold it while Stretch swept his feeble pile of dirt and straw wrappers into it. He was empting it into the waste bin when Stretch finally muttered. "i didn’t tell him."

"What?"

"i didn't tell him," Stretch said louder. He flopped into a chair, shrinking away from Edge's look. "he would have come home. his work is important. we can’t just rely on our trade agreements with this country."

Edge exhaled slowly. Difficult to argue either point, particularly since he knew Stretch was right. Blue was part of an envoy visiting overseas working towards increasing their revenue and goodwill but if he heard what had happened, Edge had no doubt he'd be on a plane home immediately. His own brother was along as a bodyguard, of all things, and he never would have expected Red to take the job so seriously. He'd changed since they'd come to the surface in ways Edge never could have anticipated.

"did you tell your brother?"

Then again, some things never changed. "Of course not. I don’t have to tell Red anything. He knew before I'd even gotten you out of the cell and since he hasn’t told Blue, I assume he’s agreeing with your stupidity. Older brothers..."

Stretch looked at the floor, downcast, and Edge made a mental note to ensure Blue called him by the end of the night. Just talking to his brother would improve Stretch's mood.

"How long do you need to sweep?" Edge gave the broom a nudge with his toe, waking Stretch from his contemplation.

"huh? oh, it’s fine," Stretch took off the apron and handed it over the counter. "thanks, deb, i told you he’d believe it."

"You were right, next coffee is on the house." She folded the apron with an amused grin and then handed over a paper bag to Stretch. "And here, for fixing the steamer for us."

"no problem," he shrugged awkwardly and took the bag. Edge didn't have to look inside to know it was lemon bars.

"If I had an ass, you'd be the biggest pain in it," Edge grumbled. This would be the first of many paybacks for refusing to let Stretch ride the bus, he was sure. He didn't care; whatever petty amusements Stretch came up with were worth the price.

Stretch slung his arms around Edge's shoulders, pressing their foreheads together. "you love me."

"I do," Edge said. Faint orange tinted Stretch's cheekbones and Edge pressed a kiss there. Only to glance to the side to see Deb watching them like a particularly good cable movie, her chin propped on her hands. If her eyes could have morphed into hearts, he had no doubt they would have in an instant.

"Don't mind me," Deb grinned. "You aren't bothering us, are they, guys?"

An absent murmur of agreement came up from the college students who weren't wearing headphones. None of them looked up.

"Come on," Edge grumbled, catching up the strap of Stretch's laptop bag, waving to Debbie as he guided Stretch out the door. "We need to get home. Antwan and An—Jeff are coming over for dinner tonight."

"really?" Stretch all but glowed at that news, melancholy forgotten. "they are actually coming to dinner together? my own personal matchmaking project is coming to us?"

"They're already dating, you don't need to matchmake."

"Oh, please, like antwan won't find a way to fuck it up? we both know better."

"We know no such thing. The only thing I know is that Antwan is going to murder you if you don't stop calling him Andy and I may let him."

Stretch's look said exactly how much he believed that. "the important thing is how does andy feel about it."

"I think 'Andy' has Stockholm syndrome and would probably let you call him Pricilla." Edge climbed into the driver's side and waited for Stretch to fasten his seatbelt before backing out. "I feel like we should discuss this odd cult of fans you're getting."

"they are called followers and twitter is not a cult."

"Of course," Edge sighed. "I'm not worried about your twitter harem. The living one you're slowly gathering is what concerns me. Just promise me you won't use your powers for evil."

"you know i love you," Stretch reached over and patted his knee. "but i can't make you a promise i might not keep."

Edge was fairly certain that nothing he'd done in life was worthy of this punishment. Maybe it was time to let Stretch take the bus again…then again, that was how he'd met An—damn it. Jeff. "Let's just worry about dinner tonight."

"what's to worry about?" Stretch yawned. "you'll cook, i'll entertain. what could possibly go wrong?"

Edge wished that sounded less like a prophecy. He really did.

-finis-

Read the Next One

[markwatkinsconsumerguide]

Consumer Guide / No.90 / Chief Instructor & Head of the Jade Dragon School, Paul Chapman with Mark Watkins.

MW : How did you get into martial arts and why should someone consider signing up for classes?

PC : I started back in the mid 80s when a friend of mine invited me along to a class. Like everyone else, I quickly realised how uncoordinated I was but you soon get a huge sense of satisfaction from learning the movements and skills. Learning to express yourself through movements is very powerful - that's why dance is so popular. With kung fu you are also learning to defend yourself while trying to stay relaxed of body and calm of mind. You are constantly fighting your own habits of being tense in the wrong places and learning to stand and move in a way that is relaxed, yet powerful.

MW : What's involved?

PC : A lot of people think you would need to be fit before you start but that's not true at all. There are many kinds of fitness and people who can run 10 miles or lift heavy weights have no advantage when it comes to kung fu. This is all about learning to release tension that gets in the way of movement and to use your body in a connected and powerful way. This enables you to be more powerful than a larger person. So whether you're seven or seventy you can gain huge benefit from this kind of training. It keeps you fit and healthy well into old age. For the last 15 years I have been teaching in Caversham and now also looking for another venue. The costs vary depending on how many classes you do per week. These range from £28 per month for an adult, or £20 for a child.

MW : Why are self-defence skills important?

PC : I know many people are scared of being a victim of violent crime but no matter what you read in the papers it is still unlikely that you will be. However, you will definitely be a victim of stress, of ill health or a lack of confidence. Seeing anybody who has a truly relaxed self-confidence is a rare thing these days. Yet anybody can gain that feeling. Learning these skills gives you that confidence, it really does. You become far less concerned with what other people say or think about you because you know they cannot really hurt you. You also get a sense of increasing mastery over your mind and body and this gives you huge personal power. I don't think there is any other activity you can do that will boost your confidence as much as this does.

MW : You've also written a book, self-published, tell me about that achievement...

PC : I have actually now written three books. My first book 'Stress Proof Your Body' is about the huge role physical tension plays in our stress and anxiety levels. Basically, it says that the more tension you hold in your muscles the less stress you can cope with and the more anxious you will be. The act of releasing physical tension leads to being able to cope with more stress. However, releasing tension is far from easy. It explains why and gives a set of principles and practices to help you become more relaxed and less anxious.

My second book, 'The Effortless Power of Kung Fu', is an introduction to kung fu. It gives some background into kung fu and the martial arts and then goes on to describe some basic training and techniques that I teach. The focus of training should be about efficiency of movement - attaining more power with less effort and that is where so many martial arts fall down these days. Too many of them mistake aggression and hard physical training for true power.

My third book, 'Training the Tiger of Tai Chi', is about the martial art of tai chi. Many people don't realise that it was developed as a martial art as it is so rarely taught as one today. This book explains why it is no longer taken seriously as a martial art and encourages tai chi teachers to investigate and teach it's marital properties. Tai chi is but a shadow of what it used to be and many of its benefits have been lost. This book explains why.

MW : How do you think you'd fare in the Big Brother house?

PC : To be honest, I have never watched it so I really couldn't comment. I imagine I would just be myself and remain calm inside while chaos goes on around me. Of course that would be boring for the watchers so I expect I'd be voted out quickly. : )

MW : How would you cope if you were marooned on a desert island like Robinson Crusoe? and would you try and escape?!

PC : I have long been interested in nature and am very self sufficient and happy with my own company so I think I would fare quite well. But yes, I would try to escape if I could. I would signal passing ships and even passing satellites by leaving large messages on the beach! I don't think I'd be bored. There would be so much to do to stay alive and I could practice my arts and meditate in peace.

MW : What would be your “Desert Island Discs”?

PC : This is always a tricky one. If you only had 8 they would have to be timeless classics you could listen to over and over again and be of different kinds of music. Led Zeppelin's ‘Stairway to Heaven’ is such a song and that inspired me to pick up and start learning the guitar when I was at school. David Bowie - ‘Life On Mars’ takes me back to the drunken nights of my youth! Elton John - ‘Sacrifice’ is a beautiful song. Eva Cassidy's cover of Sting's song ‘Fields Of Gold’ is hauntingly beautiful. ‘O Mio Babbino Caro’ from Puccini opera is fabulous. Von Suppe's ‘Poet And Peasant’ overture for some great easy listening classics. Rod Stewart - ‘Sailing’, a great song to express your homesickness! Finally, maybe some Cher or Tina Turner but so many to choose from.

MW : What do you never miss on TV or radio?

PC : I tend to watch films, or series, but I start them when the run is finished as I hate having to wait a week for another episode. I'm currently watching Designated Survivor and Game of Thrones. These days you don't have to miss anything as they are all available on catch up TV. As for the radio, I listen to BBC Radio Berkshire or BBC Radio 4. I never miss I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue when it's on. It's been around for donkey's years - but never gets old.

MW : ...and your favourite film, actor, actress?

PC : I don't really have an all time fave film. Jackie Chan's comedy kung fu is always great, although many of his films weren't. I love Helen Mirren - she's into her seventies but is still funny, sexy and sophisticated. I've also seen most of Simon Pegg’s films. I'm now waiting for a film where Helen Mirren plays a cougar who takes Simon Pegg as her lover. Someone please make that film asap. Oh, and put Joanna Lumley in it as well perhaps as Simon's mother.

MW : Where can we find out more?

PC : You can find out more about my classes at www.jadedragonschool.com

© Mark Watkins / September 2019