#if i had any confidence whatsoever in my ability to decide where im gonna go in life and to actually accomplish that
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save me save me i wanna be you save me i cant save myself cause i could never be you
ill keep waiting and pretend i could
#not doing well#ostensibly i will be applying for grad school before the end of this year#and like growing up and becoming an adult and stuff#yeah fucking right#i remember when my life was all about how much my childhood sucked and like. that was my everything#that was my great conflict#the main plot#and its like#its not like that doesnt still matter right#all of it still does#its part of why i cant seem to make irl friends#its part of why i think ill be alone for a long time even though i desperately crave the safety of a relationship#(nothing wrong there by the way that i think a relationship will save me)#(its always me waiting on someone else to save me)#andddd its why sex is so weird for me#and sure all of that still matters#but what really matters is that im gonna have to. move out. pay bills. make 'career choices'.#andddd thats really what lifes all about#trying not to become homeless#cause i cant just live with my mom forever#though god the fact that i could end up like that#thats almost worse#my mom deserves better#anyway yeah just thinking about like capitalism and the end of the world and stuff#honestly despite everything ive had it pretty good in my life ya know.#if i had any confidence whatsoever in my ability to decide where im gonna go in life and to actually accomplish that#then id probably be okay#just send me back a couple decades as the person i am with the experiences ive had and i might end up being like a cool old aunt or smth#aaanyway#i hope one day this world is better and its kinder
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