#if i had an actual job rn. which i dont. i would be immediately scheduling another tattoo.

[coccyodynia]

things:

four years and a few days ago, i entered treatment for dual diagnosis care to treat my mental health and drug use

for about 4 straight years before that, i’m not sure i was sober for more than an hour at a time

i was really heavily using benzos and always mixing them with an extreme amount of alcohol

frequently confused as to who i was then, how people perceived me, and how i’m still alive

i’m extremely grateful i went to treatment, because if i hadn’t had some kind of intervention, i dont think i would have survived another year like that

i still really really struggle with relapses

and in the last two years i’m not sure i’ve managed to have a clean streak longer than 3 months

but i am trying

my drug abuse ended up being the last straw for some important people in my life, who would eventually leave my life bc of it

anyway moving on to other topics

i finally saw justin this week, for the first time in three months

it’s been a pretty weird 3 month period of not really knowing where we stood bc i couldn’t keep my feelings to myself, and he needed a break from that i guess

i understand it will never again be like it was when we first started talking

and tbh that really kills me, but i’m very grateful he’s a part of my life still, in some way

the connection was immediately really strong from the start and i really credit him with helping me a lot

he was probably the first person to verbalize “i’m here for you”, and actually follow through with that sentiment

meeting him almost exactly one year after reid left my life is probably worth mentioning here but whatever

ive finally been able to start seeing my therapist again, and i meet with her monday

right now she can only schedule me every other week, which is a really hard adjustment for me to make tbh

since october of 2019 i probably have had therapy at least once a week

im really struggling with staying sane bc my job has become an incredibly stressful place for me, which didn’t used to be the case

like work has always had some level of stress, sure, but this last month or so, i have been getting physically sick from the stress, crying at my desk every day, etc

but on the other hand, i’m also having these really meaningful yet overwhelming moments of gratitude for being where i’m at

like yeah nothing is perfect or even close, but i have created a life for myself that works most of the time

im finally experiencing a level of safety and security that i have honest to god never felt before, and i did not even know that it could improve this much

growing up i didnt have any sense of safety or security at all, which i didn’t realize until very recently

in the last year or so working with nicole (my therapist), i have finally learned that the things i was subjected to as a child were not normal, and that it was traumatic

about 6 months or so ago (possibly less), i learned i have complex post traumatic stress disorder

i had pretty much known for over a decade that i was borderline, before i was officially diagnosed

but i didn’t even have an inkling of an idea that i could be experiencing CPTSD, so when my therapist gently told me i was, my world view realllyyyyy started to shatter and shift

it has been very very difficult to come to terms with tbh

anyways i really miss writing and photographing and making art so i hope to return to that soon

i’m at work rn and i should probably start doing my job before the bosses get here so ta-ta for now thanks for reading this insane post

[monsterhugger]

i understand why tattoo ppl are like that now i need to get tattooed again

[elprupneerg]

guess im in a talkative mood rn, so y’all get to read a rant about work now.

its really weird how different it is to work at places that actually value their employees vs ones that dont. my first ever job was at walmart, and they dont trust Anybody--not the customers, not the workers, nobody. there was a constant sense that all the managers and shit were watching you and waiting for you to fuck up. the store manager came in Maybe once a week, and HR was basically impossible to get ahold of. they put me off working retail for over a year after i got fired for calling in sick too much (cuz they kept scheduling me to work during my classes)

and now i work for a big chain hardware store and i was So Scared it was gonna end up just like walmart. but im getting paid $12/hour right off the start, and at the interview And the filling-out-paperwork-to-officially-hire-me meeting the people i spoke with made sure to ask what my availability was. the store manager lead half of orientation day (the other half was lead by the HR rep), and in the 2 weeks i’ve worked there i’ve seen both going around the store and doing things more than i saw their walmart counterparts the entire time i worked there (about 6 months ish). the managers trust me even tho i’m new (perhaps a bit Too Much in one case, he put me in charge of the self check outs almost immediately and i was Not Ready but it went fine) and everyone calls me by my chosen/real name and not my legal one

and it affects how i get along with the other people there too. literally everyone at my new job has been nice to me, whereas at walmart we were all too exhausted and underpaid to have the energy to smile at each other. i’ve met so many people who work in other departments, and i’m allowed to go a little bit away from my register as long as i can still keep an eye on it. at walmart i knew the name of like 1 person from the deli area and the guy who watched over the outdoor supplies, otherwise i only knew cashiers. and if i stepped more than a little bit away from my register it felt like id get struck by lightning. i get the feeling that if i ended up having to switch to a different job but then had to buy some paint or something, people would still say hi to me and be polite. last time i went to walmart one of my old supervisors literally turned away when i walked past so we didn’t even have to nod hello at each other lmao. also, i can’t remember if walmart had this too, but my new job explicitly mentioned gender identity in their “yo we shouldnt discriminate” policy and training video, which as a genderqueer person who’s starting to figure out some presentation stuff is a Major Fucking Relief

[kilgodarchive]

let’s call this a formal semi-hiatus or smthn coy else i guess

fsjafjdska i rly cant word today 

ANYHOOP. IDK HOW MUCH IM ACTUally gonna be on kilgrave atm, especially in this transition period. i’ve got a job interview on thursday which, depending on how that goes, will either mean an immediate full time job, a full time job in two weeks time, or an eventual full time job but regardless, even my adhd ass an blog habit have to pay dues at some point, and at the moment i’m just...not feeling it here. i’m probably gonna switch my attention to david jus bc uhhh he’s me but like he’s super fucking THERE rn an kilgrave jus....isnt. ill probably still dabble in shit an like i might even pop up here w random bursts of insp, and w s2 of jessica jones lurking i’m definitely anxious to get back to The Terror here cause i miss it i miss writing this asshole an im sad he’s not there, but i can’t force it and i know that an this little shit definitely knows it an hes bein a lil bitch boi about it so uhhh.....yeah.

I DONT JUS WANNA SAY FULL HIATUS CAUSE LIKE THE FUTURE IS EVER CHANGING BUT LIke especially w my life rn there’s so much transition period like i gotta start looking into and getting my college schedule locked in and emailing about my scholarship as well as probably needing to redo my FAFSA ( fgsalkjasdlkfsa a Thing From Hell if u ask me ) but i still love u all sm and honestly if we just had fucking internet at the house it would make things sO MUCH EASIER....BUT I DIGRESS.......IM JUS SAYIN IM PROBABLY GONNA NEED IT ANYWAYS FOR COLLEGE POPS....

but yeah for the time being hmu at @amloved cause im jus tired and have like so little energy these days