#if i do it interacts with my ritalin weird

[i-am-a-secret-ssshhh]

Can I write a 750-1000 word essay in a little under an hour?

We’re about to fucking find out!

[etirabys]

I've been absent from tumblr for nine days because I was in Philly for a 800 person twitter con (whose constituents roughly map onto the rationalist tumblr diaspora, culturally). I was tweeting up a storm in conjunction with meeting twitter people irl and barely checked tumblr.

The con itself stretched over a long weekend, but I arrived four days early for preparties and stayed two days for postparties. I am on the plane right now, returning home. I got about twelve weeks of normal socializing in nine days. In the last four days I was taking small amounts of Ritalin to get through the day. That sounds bad, but that's how much I valued talking to weird internet people and having unique interactions that you cannot have outside of festivals.

The last iteration of this con last year had 300 attendees. At the time, I had 180 twitter followers, mostly from the times tumblr melted down and everyone including me advertised where they were elsewhere, as insurance. I munchkinned the hell out of socializing at the first con, got an additional 100 active followers that provided enough attention for a self-sustaining poasting reaction, and am at 2500 now.

I'm approximately the same person on twitter that I am on tumblr, except I don't post my erotica (my twitter followers skew more heavily male, so I'm less willing to be sexual) and I'm more strategic about seeking clout. I like to think I stay away from the clout-chasing things I find really gross (like having takes about politics nonstop, or starting beef), but I currently treat getting twitter followers as an enjoyable game.

It's nice to have a place where I'm explicitly seeking power, as it is nice to have a place (here on tumblr) where I'm explicitly not. My tentative plan is to hit 10-20K and then push the "trying" lever to off. I know a number of "microcelebrities" who get no stalkers or murder threats, but can go to just about any major city and have a place to crash, or people to show them around. That is what I want for myself.

I explain this not very flattering thing as context for what the con was like for me.

Most of the time, I exist socially the way most people do – avoiding risks and being discreet with dissent to keep the peace. I think people go to events like this one or Burning Man to get a freaking break from having to do this – as long as the con is full of reasonably mature and interesting people, the atmosphere becomes wonderful when they coordinate to drop the pretense for a week. I ran into a person who had a bad interaction with my acquaintance a few years ago, and told him I thought poorly of his actions but wanted to hear his side of the story. (The ensuing interaction was illuminating and pleasant.) A guy came up to me and observed that he'd made several conversational bids this year and last year, I had seemed to dislike this every time, and asked if I would prefer he never approach me again. We proceeded to have an extremely autistic debugging conversation, in front of several of his friends, about whether we should speak again in the future. (The solution: yes, he can try again, but pick a question from Askhole – don't inflict small talk on me.) I ran up to Famously Evil-Alien-Vibes-Having Economist Robin Hanson and said, "I have nothing to say to you in particular, but I find you interesting and I want to hang out," and then we argued for an hour about the fertility crisis. After asking for blessing to say something negative, I told a blogger whose blog post that I'd otherwise really liked that there had been one aspect that I found disingenuous. We had a good back and forth after I said this.

What I found so addictive about this con is that my popularity-seeking drive and my honesty-seeking drive – both of which I somewhat repress most of the time – were not only expressible, but in harmony. It is quite inappropriate to be super open and openly autistic in most social contexts. Here, I could say exactly what I meant, and as long as I delivered it in the right way, people would like me for it. The conversation where the guy started with "You don't seem to like me, should I never talk to you again?" should by most predictive measures have been awkward and unpleasant – but I got the sense, steadily, that he (and his friend who eventually joined in) liked me for how I was responding to him. All I had to do was, literally, just say what I really thought, and it somehow all worked out.

[edoro]

Luz for character bingo! c:

okay, there just weren't really many spaces that adequately explain my feelings about Luz, so.

i love her. she is an absolute delight and probably my favorite cartoon protagonist of all time. i find her intensely, painfully relatable, and therefore also an absolute joy to write - getting into her headspace is so easy for me. if you spliced Luz and Hunter into one incredibly fucked up person, that person would have been me as a teenager.

okay, so, Luz. gosh. she's such a good character. i love how idealistic and hopeful and caring she is, how sweet and kind and compassionate, and yet how she also clearly has her own issues - deeply buried grief over the loss of her father (boy did the nail the "my dad is dead and it's kind of a big deal but i'm saying it's not because i really don't want to have to deal with someone else's feelings about it right now" feeling in that episode where she tells Amity about that), her own loneliness and awkwardness, the way she tends to just internalize everything and push away her own feelings and needs...

she's so awkward and clumsy in so many ways, but also so earnest. she cares so much about people and even though she's often very impulsive and intense, she's also pretty socially adept in some ways. she's good at figuring out how other people are feeling and what they need and trying to offer that.

i see Luz as the kind of undx'd/untreated (seriously, Camila, don't send the kid to social skills camp, send her to a fucking psychiatrist and get her some damn ritalin) adhd kid who's always just been... too much. too loud, too weird, too intense, too emotional, too invested in the wrong things in the wrong ways. the kind of person who has a switch where everyone else seems to have a dial.

i can imagine her as a younger kid having more trouble controlling her emotions than she does now, and being a lot more prone to impulsive displays of negative emotion - i notice that Luz tries really hard to put a positive face on things, and it feels a lot like someone who's very wary of her own capacity for anger and negativity.

she's clearly so isolated at home, without any real friends, and has just retreated hard into self-directed fantasy hobbies as a way of coping. but give her the chance to bond, and she jumps for it - she's not aloof, she's just been hurt and rejected so many times, but when she has the chance for a fresh start, she grabs it with both hands.

she tries so hard to see the good in everyone and give them the benefit of the doubt, which is helpful for people like Amity and Hunter, but comes back to bite her with people like Philip. i really enjoy how, idk, cohesive her whole personality is as a character - all of her good traits can be flaws, and many of her flaws can also be good!

she shows compassion to everyone, but some people don't deserve her compassion, and being too trusting gets her hurt. she's intense and impulsive, but it makes her very good at learning and teaching herself things, and means she doesn't overthink situations the way people like, say, Lilith do, and she's not afraid to do what she thinks is right.

she cares so much about other people, but she uses that as a way of suppressing her own issues. she neglects herself emotionally, bottling everything up inside and trying to project onto others and solve their problems as a sort of proxy for solving her own. very 'unaddressed trauma' type of feeling there, trying to give everyone else the care and compassion and support that she needs but doesn't know how to ask for or feels like she doesn't deserve.

i just love her a lot. she's so vibrant and real. as for 'better as part of a dynamic' - i think Luz is completely fascinating on her own, but she really shines when you get to play her off of other people. after all, isolation was her whole problem in the human realm. give her friends, enemies, foils, and watch what she does! the way she relates to and interacts with all the members of the cast is just endlessly fascinating.

i'm especially interested in playing her off of Hunter and Philip, because they're my faves, and the parallels and mirroring there are just delicious. but she has great interactions with everybody. she's a good kid and a good character.

[violent-bulldog]

Chloe Valentine: Book VS Musical

Oh boy, here we go

(Mentions of “Rape”)

In the book, Chloe is one of the “Hot Girls” and is therefore, popular and whatnot. However, she isn’t the ‘main’ hot girl, that would be Katrina. They’re basically the Heathers only none of them die. Well, after the party, we never hear from any of them again so I’m just assuming that they’re still alive.

During chapter fifteen, Rich asks Jeremy which one of the “Hot Girls” he’d want to get with and Jeremy replies with Chloe. He previously states that he stares at her the most, most likely due to her costume. Jeremy essentially wants to use Chloe to get to Christine, as per the Squip’s guide. Jeremy doesn’t care about using her to get what he wants.

Chloe takes a genuine interest in Jeremy during chapter twenty-two as Jeremy flirts with her in the mall. He presses his leg against hers and asks for her number. She becomes jealous when Anne cries into Jeremy’s shoulder, pushing her leg against his even more. They do this in the back of the car too, just before Chloe gives him her number.

After Jeremy fails to get Christine (one of many times) and his failure at hooking up with Brooke due to an infected nipple piercing (which, by the way... yuck) his Squip tells him that he needs to focus on getting with Chloe as Christine is still with Jake and Jeremy needs to make her jealous. Jeremy’s reply to the Squip is “Woo-Hoo! Deal” which shows that he is very much down with the idea of sleeping with Chloe just to get with Christine.

Jeremy calls Chloe and they make mostly small talk until Jeremy suggests doing something together and Chloe tells him about Jason Finderman’s party. She asks if he’s going to be “Rolling” (which means doing drugs, I gather?) and Jeremy actually goes against the Squip’s advice and says that he is. Chloe replies with “Really? You will? With me? Aww, Jeremy, you’re so sweet” which further proves that she has a genuine interest in him. She then asks if he’ll have a car and he says he will, leading him to steal his mother’s car for the party, just to impress her.

Chloe is already “Rolling” by the time Jeremy (and Michael) arrive at the party. She instructs Jason’s brother, who’s guarding the door, to let them in. She enthusiastically runs up to Jeremy (probably due to the drugs, but it could also be because she’s happy that he actually showed up) and gives him his pill. She then starts to lead him somewhere, but he tries to blow her off for Christine. The Squip tells him that Chloe is about to have sex with him, but Jeremy just cares about the fact that Christine is currently alone. 

Chloe notices that he’s distant and says that he’s in his own little world. Jeremy goes to make up an excuse of some sort, but she interrupts him. “”Come!” Chloe grabs my shirt. “I like you” She adjusts my baseball cap. “You can go back to your world later. Be in mine for a while”” This is the first time that she states that she genuinely wants to be with Jeremy, unlike Christine. Jeremy lets her lead the way to where she was originally going.

They go into a laundry center (which, as a Scottish person, I’m assuming is the same as a utility room) and they start to make out, with Jeremy pulling Chloe into his lap and groping her (all with consent). He then starts to dirty talk and ends up telling her that he wishes she had a tail. Chloe calls him weird and straddles him. They start to make out again and Jeremy takes off her shirt and she takes off her bra. Things are about to escalate further before Chloe’s boyfriend, Brock, interrupts them by breaking the window. Chloe tells Jeremy to watch out, before dressing and leaves, blowing him a kiss.

Jeremy ends up in a bathroom with Stephanie (the third “Hot Girl”), hiding from Brock. Stephanie states that Jeremy is “That guy Chloe likes!” and then talks about how Jeremy is apparently super cool, which means that Chloe must have talked about him between the events in the mall and when she invited him to the party.

Chloe ends up getting back with Brock (and snorts Ritalin...) and everything is fine with the trio. Jeremy even drives Chloe and Brock home and that’s the last we really hear from them.

Chloe had a genuine interest in Jeremy, despite having a boyfriend, but Jeremy was only using her to try and get with Christine. If Brock hadn’t interrupted, Chloe and Jeremy would have most likely had sex and it would have been 100% consensual. Jeremy isn’t in a relationship with anyone, so he isn’t cheating. Chloe technically is, but her boyfriend really doesn’t seem like that good of a guy and there’s a very high chance that they broke up at some point. Especially since he calls her a slut and a whore...

HOWEVER

In the musical, the “Hot Girls” don’t exist. Chloe is the only one out of the trio to appear, most likely due to the entire situation with Jeremy. Brooke and her are the equivalent to the “Hot Girls” with Chloe being at the number one spot and Brooke being at number two. The musical focuses a lot more on Jeremy and Michael’s friendship than the book did and a lot less on any other romantic relationships beside Jeremy and Christine’s. 

Chloe and Jeremy barely interact during the musical before the Halloween party, which has merged the Halloween dance and Jason Finderman’s party, the only interactions being Chloe stating that he was getting of to her discussion with Jenna and Brooke about Jake and Madeline/Chloe asking what he was staring at when Jake says that they should see other people and the scene in the clothes store in the mall, where Brooke offers Jeremy a ride (like how he asked for one from Anne and Chloe in the book) and Chloe just goes along with it mainly. Their only real interaction is at the Halloween party.

(I have never seen any production of the show live, I am going off of any visual bootlegs on youtube, a copy of the script I found online and the audio bootleg of the London showing. I apologise if anything is incorrect)

During the song “Halloween” Chloe tells Jeremy that she’s been sent to get him because Brooke has a surprise for him. She leads him to an upstairs bedroom, telling him that it’s Jake’s parents. Jeremy says that she knows her way around and she tells him it’s because she’s had sex in most rooms in the house. Jeremy gives he a shocked look and she defends herself, saying that it’s because she dated Jake and asks what kind of slut Jeremy thinks she is. 

Jeremy asks where Brooke is and Chloe says that she isn’t coming. Chloe starts singing “Do You Wanna Hang?” and dances around Jeremy. She’s been drinking from her flask (which is a baby bottle) and it’s clear that she’s very much wasted. Jeremy says that he should leave, but his Squip prevents him from standing up. Chloe then starts to talk about how she doesn’t understand why Brooke is so crazy about Jeremy, and how she isn’t as innocent as she seems.

There’s a pause and Jeremy accuses her of being jealous. In the Broadway version, Chloe gestures to herself and states that she’s obviously not jealous, but in the London version, she snaps at him and says that she’s not jealous but she just doesn’t understand why people like Brooke more than they like her. In both versions, Jeremy asks why anyone would be jealous of her because she’s the hottest girl in school. He goes to take back his words, but Chloe kisses him. He tries to tell the Squip to make it stop, but the Squip says it doesn’t understand what Jeremy wants to stop for.

Chloe continues singing “Do You Wanna Hang?” and offers Jeremy the baby bottle flask, stating that it’s not actually milk. The Squip forces him to drink before making him kiss Chloe again. 

Brooke interrupts and knocks on the door, asking if Jeremy is there because she was told by Jenna that he had gone upstairs. Chloe and Jeremy stay silent and Brooke goes away. Jeremy ask Chloe if she doesn’t care about Brooke finding out, but Chloe just replies by telling him that he’s not as cute when he’s talking. Jeremy asks the Squip for help, but due to the alcohol, the Squip shuts off.

Chloe says that she’s had enough, until Jake pounds on the door shouting for Jeremy. She then says that the fun is beginning. Jake yells that Jeremy better not be having sex on his parents bed or else he’d have to rip Jeremy’s balls off. Chloe says that they can both be ball-less and Jake pauses before asking if it was her and tries to break the door down. Chloe, who is jumping on the bed, yells that they’re having sex all over Jake’s parents linens and Jeremy tries to protest. 

The banging of Jake trying to break down the door stops and they both think that he’s gone away until Jake punches through the window and climbs into the room. Chloe straddles Jeremy (who may be shirtless at this point, but I’ve never seen that in the bootlegs) and Jake tells him that he’s dead. Chloe tells Jake to go away because they’re busy screwing and Jeremy moves away from Chloe and goes to the door, opening it to find Brooke standing there. Jake climbs completely through the window and Jeremy apologises to her before shoving past her and running from Jake.

Many people call the events in this scene “Attempted Rape” and I think that is way too far. From what I’ve seen, they go no further than kissing and Chloe states that she’s had enough and is about to leave before Jake arrives. It’s not Chloe’s fault that Jeremy couldn’t refuse or deny consent. That’s the Squip’s. Chloe was lead to believe that Jeremy was into it as he showed no attempts to stop her or deny what she was doing. It was a miscommunication due to the Squip’s attempts at getting Jeremy to sleep with the popular girl. It wasn’t Jeremy’s fault. It wasn’t Chloe’s fault. It was the Squip’s fault. 

I don’t know why Chloe and Jeremy’s relationship was changed like this. Maybe due to the musical not having a long enough run-time to support the development of it as well as the development of Jeremy’s relationships with Michael and Christine. Chloe played a fairly important part in the book, but the musical makes her seem like a completely different character. Book Chloe was popular and hot, but also kind and genuinely interested in Jeremy, whereas musical Chloe is popular and hot and that’s about it. She’s mean and blunt and is a major part in making Jeremy cheat on Brooke. She doesn’t seem to care about her actions and only seems to think of herself until “The Play” and, unless you’re like me and you dive deeply into what her mental state may be like, she is seen as the secondary-antagonist (the Squip being the primary-antagonist).

They did her character dirty in the musical. But, she isn’t a rapist. So please, for the love of god, stop calling her one. She’s a sixteen-year-old who made a drunken mistake that people like to blow out of proportion. 

[thequintessentialqueer]

damn yall I just realized I'm actually......quite good at retail??? I guess that's what happens after a couple years but I never really noticed that I was improving when I was at my last job. but tonight was my first night working the POS system at my new job and it was an absolutely wild friday night rush for 5 uninterrupted hours, and I did absolutely fine! like the first maybe half hour on the till I was struggling with the new key commands and pin and all, but it clicked really quickly and then I was working just as fast as the other person on cash, and doing samples and chatting with customers! actually also that's probably about when my nighttime ritalin kicked in so I just felt pretty good and focused from that too, compared to how I am unmedicated. I think my manager was actually impressed because at the start of the shift he'd said I could just stick to samples and let him and the other woman handle the till, but I was like nah I got this! and then I got it!

but yeah like also, for all that it sucks I actually do enjoy retail in a weird way?? like my feet are dying now but going into Retail Mode is so much more comfortable in terms of interpersonal interactions than regular socializing is. I feel like that's definitely an autism thing for me but yeah like it's a whole role I can put on and the scripts are really clear and it makes me feel so much more at ease than just talking to people. like I'm a lot better in this role than I am working at an office where I have to just......socialize with coworkers and be a Person. this is why I'm also very good at phone zaps and other stuff with a script but can't consistently conduct myself like a fucking human being when I run into my housemates in the kitchen 💀

so anyway it was a good shift and at the end I got two new bottles of free wine to taste test and write notes about! I think I may be able to avoid ever paying for wine again lmao.

[helloamhere]

Hii, so uh, sorry if you've been asked that before or explained it somewhere and you'll be repeating yourself, but I'm reading your symphony fic and I've a question about those stims that Louis takes. What are they for and why does he take them exactly? I vaguely know what's up, but not really?

Oh sure no problem. Glad you’re enjoying :) :) 

Basically, for my abo AU, stims is just my made-up in-universe slang for a class of drugs that you can take if you’re touch deprived, or otherwise experience bad symptoms from having a not-ideal situation. It’s short for stimulants. They help an omega balance out their anxiety and manage attention deficiencies or sleep irregularities that come from touch and intimacy deprivation (I imagine there are other classes of drugs that exist for the other statuses). It’s not a magic silver bullet that fixes everything, but it can help a lot. Think of it kind of like taking an SSRI for depression, or needing a ritalin prescription for ADHD (in fact, that’s why I chose stimulant as the slang, thinking about those classes of drugs–the a/o interaction in fic always felt like a big CNS-boosting kinda thing to me). 

Honestly the reason I included it at all was that I kind of wanted to show a) that SSH!L struggles a little bit with the biochemical consequences of everything he’s been through, which also shows up in sleep and anxiety patterns but also that b) it’s not a shameful thing, just kind of a personal thing, like taking anti-anxiety medication might be in the real world. It’s part of the background fantasy-biology in this fic. I really wanted a world where abo status didn’t mean that you lost your mind or were totally ill or something, if you didn’t have a status-determined relationship (which is also why two of the three pairings aren’t a/o!). I wanted a world where people had all kinds of options despite the existence of that chemistry (also, in my world, those kinds of intimacy needs can be met by nonsexual friends, which is why you see how much Niall/Babs/Louis interactions help on that level). It was kind of like a little joke to myself, too. I really wanted to represent medication in a more positive light than you see in most abo fic, because there’s a lot of abo fic out there that has the concept of ‘suppressants’ as this evil scary thing and I just happened to notice that trend and think, huh, this feels kind of harsh given that we actually live in a world where there are tons of really safe medications that can do a world of good, used correctly. All that and, I just like thinking and writing weird details about bodies.

(Saving Symphony Hall) 

[hellosamantha182]

Contradiction

It’s late. It’s 2:44am but I took my ritalin too late this morning and it’s keeping me awake.

We humans love to categorize other humans into labels in order to understand them better. I myself practice this daily, to known friends or strangers. I can look at someone and think, “That’s a Slytherin.” or talk to them and think, “They are a Stark.” I do this with everything that has somewhat of a standard personality. Like acids or bases. It’s a chemistry thing. But I always ask other chemist which one they prefer, the one that donates the hydrogen or the one that accepts the hydrogen. Do you like giving or receiving. You see, when I start placing people into these categories I’m able to understand their morals, their character, their values. Especially if I could catch multiple answers. Not only that, but I can relate to them, pick a topic we both have in common and indulge. 

So astrology has always fascinated me. Again placing people in categories to be further evaluated. Except, people are born into their sign, they don’t have a choice. They can’t pick Gryffindor, Abnegation, Erudite. Yea I get it, some people don’t “act” like their designated sign. This is all coming from my own personal experience with myself. And how typical of a Cancer I am and how I’ve tried to cope with my qualities.

I’m broken down three different ways. My sun sign is Cancer, my rising is  Gemini, and my moon is Virgo. 

I relate to being a Cancer the most, this is my core and my fundamental being. Water sign. We feel. Everything every time. We are very emotional and caring. We love making deep connections with people and cherish our families. We are the mothers of the group, constantly making sure everyone is okay and having a good time. We are ambitious because we want to better our families. We require security everywhere. Whether if it’s in a relationship, job occupation, or lifestyle. We need to feel safe. We love alone time. We love living in our shell where it’s comfortable and familiar. Cancer’s are also known to be very naked. Meaning they express themselves without much thought. Kinda like a child, whenever they feel the need to do or say something they act. We are just comfortable in our own shoes and do what we feel. The worst and best thing about being a cancer is our fucking feelings. Omg they could drive you insane. We feel soo much. We live in the past. We our cancers to ourselves. It’s hard barring such a big heart. Every time I meet another cancer I instantly connect with them. Because they understand me. And I them. And I often feel bad for them barring the same curse. Constantly wanting to please. To care. To love. Without asking anything in return. 

When most people meet me, they think I’m outgoing, approachable, magnetic, and confident. This is thanks to my gemini side. My gemini side is how I express myself outwardly to strangers. Air signs are known to be intelligent,  rational, and thinkers. Plus gemini’s are known to be sociable. They are the party people. This is my fun side, the side people see. The side that allows me to fuck without strings. My gemini rising protects my cancer. Hiding how vulnerable I can become.

Since cancers are all about emotions, it’s important to understand them. My moon is a virgo, earth sign. The moon represents emotions in the astrology world. Virgo’s are known to be analytical, critical, and logical. It’s weird. When I feel, my virgo side attacks my emotions. It beats my uncontrollable sensations by neutralizing them. It’s strange to be a cancer with a virgo moon. Because although I’m emotional, there is logic to every aspect. I constantly talk myself out of scenarios. My virgo side is what keeps me cautious and suspicious. So I feel a lot but I’m able to control my feelings. For the most part. Until my cancer side wins.

My cancer and my virgo side are tearing me apart. I sometimes want to do something because it “feels” right. But my virgo side is constantly playing out multiple scenarios and what is most logical to pursue. Sometimes my cancer side wins and if there is a negative outcome I constantly am beating myself up for it. My virgo side critics my own actions. When I’m having a mental breakdown, my virgo side calms me. Rationalizes why this is happening and what turn of events need to happened in order to prevent this in the future. 

It’s important to understand yourself as much as you can. So you know how to maximize your potential and your abilities. I feel robotic at times due to my virgo side. Even though my cancer side wants to love someone, my virgo will pick at each potential mate. If there is a massive deal breaker, my virgo side forces me to let go. Yet I could still like them. But eventually I’ll stop due to lack of interaction.

When my cancer side wins, I can’t pull my emotions out and all I could do is watch myself be illogical. I hate it when that happens. It makes me angry. Like the threshold of my virgo walls were exceeded and now there is no turning back. My virgo and my gemini side just watch the cancer in me fall apart. It’s like I can’t even see them anymore. Until time passes by. And I heal. And then we are all reunited.

[kiyote23]

A Different Lens

Last summer, my son was diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum. The diagnosis marked the end of one long road for us, and the start of different one. Helping him navigate through life, particularly as he started school became a focus of our lives, and while we’re making progress, there is still a lot of ground to cover.

To be honest, I was caught off guard by the diagnosis because of my preconceptions of autism. He had an autistic classmate in his pre-school class, and the two of them became buddies, I guess because they understood each other. And while a lot of people saw that as a warning sign that my son was on the spectrum as well, I took it to mean that he wasn’t autistic, because he wasn’t like his friend.

I think I was afraid of abusing the word “autistic.” I’ve a friend who a couple of years ago came to the conclusion that he’s autistic. At the time, I didn’t think it was true, because I didn’t really understand autism. Now, after working through my son’s diagnosis and educating myself about what we are looking at, I not only agree with my friend’s self-diagnosis, but I’m pretty sure that I’m autistic as well.

I thought that autism was a certain condition. Like a lot of people, I think my impression of autism came from Rainman. Autism is actually a spectrum, a range of behaviors, and people on the spectrum vary wildly in the degree to which they have different disorders. But as we were going over the problems that my son is facing, I was struck by the number of them that sounded so familiar to me.

I suffered from a series of severe depressions, starting around when I was seventeen and continuing into my late twenties. In the late 1980s, everyone was depressed it seemed. I think that there are actually parallels between depression in the 80s and autism today, in that there probably weren’t suddenly more depressed people than there were before, but that the clinical diagnosis of it was more and more common, and there was less of a stigma attached.

I spent several years in therapy, and even tried a series of anti-depressant medications, but the depressions kept coming. I would get better, and then try to go back to college, only to crash and drop out again. I repeated the cycle for years. I was pretty convinced that I had a seasonal depressive disorder, and that I was going to have depressions in the fall for the rest of my life.

But now, I’m pretty sure that was wrong. I gave up trying to go to school, and worked on just trying to have a job. I moved to Iowa, started over, and while I had some bumps along the way, I got happy. There were little depressions now and then, but nothing like the crashes that had come before. I got better, and started doing pretty well, and started building a life. And now, looking back on it, I think I can see how the depressions fit into the idea that I’m autistic.

I have a lot of social anxiety. I don’t understand “the rules” of how people interact. I used to think it was because I shifted from a public school to a private school in grade school, but then went to a public high school, that somehow that had isolated me socially, so that when I got to high school, I didn’t know how to act, how to make friends.

Looking back on it, that story doesn’t hold water. I had friends at the private school, and I had friends outside of school. I was active in my scout troop, and there were kids in the neighborhood that I hung out with. Yet, when I got to high school, the world became a lot larger, and the interactions between people became a lot more complex, and I was really lost.

People, in general, confuse me. I’m not sure what they’re thinking or feeling, and I’m not sure how they’re going to react to something. Most of what I know about how other people think and feel came from books, and so a lot of the time I feel like I’m visiting from another planet, and I have to refer to my notes on how humans react to things. For the longest time, I felt like I was constantly on the outside, looking in, trying to make sense of what was going on when I was at a social gathering.

It only took a few social miscues, a few bad reactions from people over what seemed to me to be innocuous things, to build a sense of anxiety over social interactions. I still remember, somewhat vividly, different moments in my childhood, where I discovered I was being a jackass and I had no idea. And it was terrifying.

So I became quiet, sitting back and watching people, only interjecting when it seemed safe, or when I knew was on safe ground. Maybe I’m a natural introvert, or maybe it’s learned behavior. Or maybe with my brain there’s no distinction. But even so, as an adult, there are still moments where I find myself being a jackass, and it still stings, mostly because I try so hard not to be one, but when you don’t really know how the game is played, it’s hard not to make mistakes.

Another autistic symptom that plagued me was lack of executive function. I really wanted to do well in college when I was in my twenties, but it was too hard for me to put in the effort for things that I wasn’t really interested in. I would drop out of a semester with depression, failing all of my classes except for fiction writing workshop, in which I’d be getting an “A”. And these problems pre-date the depressions, going back to grade-school, when I had a horrible procrastination problem.

Sometime in the mid to late nineties, my Mom found a book that she wanted me to read, called You Mean I’m Not Crazy, Lazy, or Stupid? about adults with ADD. I didn’t buy it at the time, being pretty convinced that I had depression and not ADD, but again, my impression of ADD was the stereotype, someone who can’t sit still in class, who needs Ritalin in order to focus enough to do their homework. I could do my homework fine, it was just a matter of actually getting myself to do it.

But I am easily distracted. If we go out to a bar that has TVs on the wall, my wife and I will try to find a place for me to sit where I can’t see them, because otherwise I won’t be able to pay attention to our conversation. I find it really difficult to focus on a conversation in a noisy place, because I can’t filter out the background noise from what’s being said to me. I can’t not pay attention to the stimulus around me.

The lack of executive function would feed into my depressions. I’d have things that I’d want to do, like go to college, and when I’d fail at them, I’d get really down. I basically set myself up for failure over and over by thinking that I was perfectly capable of going to college, I just needed to get over the depression. But then I’d get there, I’d get behind, I wouldn’t get anything done, and I’d really get down on myself for messing things up again.

I’ve addressed my lack of executive function by building external systems to help me keep on track. I need more than a to-do list. In order to get by, I need a productivity system, and what’s really helped me has been Getting Things Done by David Allen, coupled with Omnifocus, a task-management app by The Omnigroup. I don’t know if I can do justice to the impact that these systems have had on my life, or how much I rely on them. A few years ago, I went back to school, and completed a degree while working full-time, managing a bar, and raising a kid, and I don’t think that would have been possible without my systems in place.

I have been hesitant to bring it up, to talk about it. If I am autistic, I’m pretty high-functioning. Most people have probably thought of me as just a little weird, a little anti-social. There are a lot of people out there who have a lot more severe problems with their autism than I do. And I don’t have a diagnosis. It’s apparently very hard to diagnose adults, because by the time you get to this age, you’ve learned tricks to cope and compensate for your autistic behavior. Unless you’re seeking disability, it’s lot of trouble to get tested, a lot of work just to get a label.

But looking back on my life through this lens has been eye-opening. And I hope that I can learn something that I can pass on to my son. It actually gives me a lot of hope for him and his future. He’s getting help and support now, to help him with his disability. And I’m going to be there to help him along the way.

from dorkFarm http://ift.tt/2onjNdU via IFTTT

[not3worthy]

So, What Precisely Is It Supposed To Mean?

Time for some context to that relatively vague title for this entry tonight:  one of my friends on Facebook posted about their New Year’s goals.  And I have to admit, I like that.  They aren’t half-hearted resolutions that can easily fall to the side and be forgotten about in the matter of a few months, as resolutions are apt to do.  And their goals are pretty good: they’re specific, ambitious and completely accomplishable.  What really caught my eye was the second part of this individual’s message.

Now... I’ll get this out right now; I am, despite my desire to be a straight arrow when it comes to taking the opinions and perspectives of another, sometimes a person of two minds.  When it’s something I want to hear or something that you confirm by talking about it, I’m enthusiastic about what you have to say and take steps to make the process actually come to fruition.  The other times, when it’s an area of weakness, I don’t take it well.  I get defensive, act like there’s not a problem, and politely agree with you until you stop talking--upon which I do the best I can to forget anything you said about the topic and soothe my bruised ego.

So, when I read this person’s statement, my initial response was to roll my eyes and say “Yeah, but you haven’t lived my life, so...” and then a myriad of excuses--usually incredibly flimsy ones--to dismiss their argument and go back to what I was doing.

But then I examined my life.  And I really haven’t been that happy with it as of late.  My life largely reflects around my work routine, at which I feel the most alive--even when gritting my teeth as I drive through intersections with the realization that I need to turn around and go 15 miles in the other direction to the next stop when I’m running up against the clock.  I’ve been given the chance to help load and unload the cargo containers we load shipments in.  It’s physically and mentally demanding work that gets me sweating and pumped up about doing what I do.  If things work out (I really hope they do), that might become part of my job’s routine. #MoMoney XD

Anyway, the last of this person’s goals was “put myself out there more.”  And... I have to admit, as an extroverted introvert, that statement is challenging for me to deal with.  Let me explain why, and it’s something I recalled recently from when I was in grade school.

For those of you reading this who don’t know me, I was diagnosed with Asperberger’s Spectrum ADHD when I was 6.  And back then, the drug of choice was Ritalin, of which I was on for most of my early life.  I was placed in special education classes since kindergarten and really didn’t have the first idea as to how to make friends because I was one of the “special” kids. And, I guess I tried to fit in, but... it was a long time ago, and remembering what happened to you when you were in 1st grade when you’re my age is no easy task.  

Years went by until this incident occurred.  What happened was that I was out on my bicycle--a good old one-speed bike that was black with this weird orange colored paint on it--the name escapes me--and got around some other kids my age group and wanted to go bike riding with them and go to the one person’s house.

I was thrilled: someone wanted for me to be their friend!  I was going to be accepted and really start growing as a person.  So, we start riding.  And they start going faster.  It’s not very long before I lose sight of them.  Nobody stopped and waited for me, and nobody came back to see if I was still on my way.  I ended up on the fringe of Minnetonka--which when you’re 9 is a long way from home, exhausted and stopped at a stranger’s house for a glass of water before I headed back to my house.

I was crushed.  I felt like I wasn’t important and that I was always going to be left behind, always the special kid who everybody gets a good laugh out of and excludes from events and parties and stuff.  And... I think right then and there I gave up on trying to make friends.  I was always gonna be weird, the round hole for the square peg.  The friends I did have were ones that had learning, emotional or physical disabilities.  Me?  I just learned a little differently.

Fast forward to today.  I’m skipping a lot of details, but I want to inform you, not bore you to death with every detail of my life for the last 15 odd years or so.  I’ve had my fair share of friendships, and I still do... but, as of late, they’ve... been starting to wither a bit.  Part my fault, part theirs.  I’ve flat out cut two people out of my life; one, it was after I got tired of them having selective responding skills which seemed to me an excuse after so long; the other, simply because their inability to accept reality had reached a point--and I also realized that I wasn’t really a friend to this person--the friendship wasn’t reciprocal.

I’ve said on occasions prior to this post that I’m... relatively approachable.  Granted, my schedule wreaks havoc on my social life during the week and that’s a small price to pay for my continued employment, and I do Tweet when I can.

Speaking of Twitter, I just looked at my follower count--and, granted it’s just a number and isn’t reflective of activity/interaction from my followers--and it’s a pretty healthy number.  True, nothing to write home about and certainly nothing on which to rest my laurels or make a comparison to anybody else--let’s not even start that game, but it is something.

I have noted before I am... sort of socially awkward.  I--unintentionally--come across as a potential know-it-all/know-too-much individual at times, don’t always know how to read people, or am burdened by a vocabulary that isn’t the most conversationally compatible of all. It’s why I made the comparison between myself and Moondancer last week in a post.

Okay, don’t run out of steam near the close :)

I can’t really say it’s true.  I may share some of Moondancer’s traits, but I’m certainly not a mirror image of her by far.  Not am I truly Starlight Glimmer or any stereotype of pony that I’ve been exposed to.  The one thing that Moondancer and I have in common though is that we both suffered a substantial emotional wound when we were younger by those who probably intended no malice.

Unfortunately for me, I can’t find those kids that did that from over 30 years ago... hell, I don’t even remember their names... and the catharsis that we see Moondancer go through in Amending Fences is something I’ve never quite felt in full.  At a time or two in the last year or so, maybe.  I recall myself bawling like a baby when I was listening to BlackGryph0n’s song Tell Me on repeat once I heard a certain line in the chorus

Getting back to what my friend said, yes... I believe it’s important to not live in the shadows because you can’t really live life there.  However, I guess what I’m trying to explain to people is my fear.  It’s truly the one thing I am afraid of.  What’s that?

That I’ll be rejected and individuals I meet won’t want me.  Is the fear irrational?  Not really.  Do I let it grow out of proportion far more often than it should?  Yeah.

Right now, I’m going to try and be... different.  I still have emotional hurts--from my childhood, from my marriage, from time spent living in my in-laws (I really don’t recommend it unless you have a good relationship and there are boundary lines) that I have kept to myself out of respect for others as to not burden them.  They’re supposed to be my friends, not an emotional dumping ground where I pour out all the ick and filth and bile and walk away clean and then leave them with a mess to deal with.  That’s neither fair nor incredibly appropriate.

Still, I’ve got to try something.  If it’s being honest with someone I trust and not being afraid and socially awkward, so be it!  The only person I’m hurting in the process by doing that is myself.

It’s time I stopped doing that.

[horsebitesfence]

On Chronophobia and ADHD – RB with Hestia Peppe

RB: hey, i think i just self-diagnosed with ADHD, am i right in thinking that's something you know about? would welcome any recs you might have for reading/resources

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RB: (it would explain so muchhhh)

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RB: (also wondering about the rel between ADHD and trauma)

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HP: Oooh yes! ADHD is definitely the errr paradigm I am working with right now if that's a way to think about it.

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HP: I am actually amazed by how practically useful it has been to think in these terms.

But I will say in terms of research/resources stuff is thin on the ground and mixed up with a lot of neurocognitive research which i find quite dodgy in places, not to mention the (very american) pharmaceutical agenda.The best stuff i found has been self advocacy descriptive personal account stuff, and that has been very much a process of reading between the lines.

Basically, people with ADHD tend to at least appear quite ‘high functioning’ (not an ideal phrase because hierarchies) so go undetected often, and then its very very stigmatised, i would say, in that often symptoms or traits are judged in moral terms. The most important sort of secondary ideas i have found are about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, and anxiety as a hugely comorbid secondary issue which is more likely to be treated than the ADHD itself.

The relationship to discipline and goal-setting is formative, as is chronophobia or a traumatised relation to time, and sometimes memory. The neurocognitive hypothesis is that it’s a problem in the dopamine cycle, so process is more fulfilling than completion of work; but i am super skeptical about neurotransmitter theories.

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HP: As far as its relation to trauma goes, i would say it probably renders us more vulnerable to CPTSD. Lack of diagnosis or 'management' of ADHD leads to problematic coping mechanisms, leading possibly to abusive or addictive behaviours or on the other end vulnerability from a lack of or funky interpersonal boundaries. But whether anything is causal/symptomatic or comorbid seems always particularly hard to tell with ADHD, partly because of the non-typical relation to time.

HP: The neurocognitive hypothesis is that it’s a problem in the dopamine cycle, so [that] process is more fulfilling than completion of work, but i am super skeptical about neurotransmitter theories.

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HP: On the plus side, [my] university and NHS [practitioners] have both been really encouraging about seeking help for it and getting a psychiatric diagnosis, which i am interested in, tho will no doubt have its downsides.

Most important, i think, is that mental health problems are treated in the context of ADHD as a constitution, rather than [in isolation], and i think that would go for trauma stuff too. Apparently ADHD folks have less success with SSRIs than others.
I think a body focused/somatic approach [is] v. v. productive, for both ADHD and trauma.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria [also] seems key. It’s the idea that the emotional impact of rejection is almost irrationally high in many ADHD folks, but [then again] this may be a traumatised relation from the stigma of ADHD, and literally being reprimanded more often than neurotypical folks, rather than being an essential difference. So if there's an interaction with trauma specific to ADHD it might be related to emotional response to external stimuli being higher.

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RB: gosh, yea.

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HP: Sorry so much.

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RB:  Wondering how receptive my gp would be to my requesting an adult diagnosis

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HP: My GP was like ‘yes, will refer u immediately’, but that’s with a recommendation from an Ed Psych which uni paid for. *UPDATE: NHS maybe aren’t doing this as quickly as i thought, so it remains to be seen if they follow through; and university seems to just be sending me through as many hoops as possible, lots of assessments, minimal support systems.

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RB: ok

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RB:  i saw this on Twitter – ‘ADHD Explained Using Comics’ by Dani Donovan,1

and, like, so much of it is me. ,2So much. idk what chronophobia is but def. have weird relationship with time. Very weird.

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HP:  I have sort of made up chronophobia but am sure its a thing.

..

RB: 'comorbidity'

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RB:  i feel lost in time.

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HP: It seems to me the best stuff around is DIY stuff exactly like the comics u link to

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RB: also – trouble starting anything; trouble finishing without hard external deadlines – so me.

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RB: why i never write

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HP:  I think these are like the defining traits tbh

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RB: even tho i want/need to be writing

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RB: + procrastinating

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HP:  Comorbidity is the creepiest word

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RB: as described ^^

HP:  Same!

RB: do u medicate for it, may i ask? seems like mindfulness / meditation cld really be helpful

RB:  i had an insane year on citalopram

HP: In America they see it as essential to medicate for it from a v early age but i am like v v v skeptical

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RB: sertraline seemed better

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HP:  I took Prozac for 5 years; it didn’t do much except make me sleepy and a bit ok with shit life, but for ADHD it’s Ritalin or Vyvanse, so treatment with low constant dose of stimulants (*sometimes also something called dopamine blockers, but I don't know the details).

RB: ok; so, like coffee? just on my risky 2nd cup.

HP:  I dont myself want this prescription.

HP:  Am sure mindfulness etc v. good, but i do think body-focused methods best.

RB: ok

HP: I read this Twitter by Erynn Brook (sp?), and she advocates meds but also talks a lot about building in good coping mechanisms like how you organise yrsrlf in space/time in ways that work for u.

RB: yea; more interested in strategy

HP: So yeah strategy v. key.

RB: hey thanks so much, also in as much as i may unconsciously have posited u as gatekeeper. couldn’t have hoped for a more helpful reply.

HP: No worries! It’s good talking to other people about it cos the grand narrative of it is well shaky

HP: One thing i have worked out is that it’s all just emerging now so u can’t really gatekeep it, thank fuck. Glad to be helpful always. Check out Erynn Brook and remember being kind to yourself cos probably u havent been being if u just got to this point.

[time passes]

RB: hey, i'd really like to hear a bit more about your thinking on chronophobia;

it stayed with me as a strong motif.  felt so 'full' when you said it it took me a while to realise i hadn't asked u to describe it.

HP: Yes I would love to see you and talk about all this stuff. I have thoughts tjoughts thought ... Google searching ‘Chronophobia’ brings up this book from MIT about art in the 60s:

https://mitpress.mit.edu/books/chronophobia. It appears to be also a term in use in psychology/self help; is in wiktionary, and appears to mean the obvious: fear of the passing of time. Associations with incarcerated people, particularly, suffering from it and also anyone suffering from heightened stress and anxiety. Searching chronophobia + ADHD, there are plenty of hits, so, again, this seems a well-made connection. I’m also thinking about ‘Chrononormativity’, an idea i was first introduced to by my friend Helen Stuhr Rommereim, and which I think she gets from Elizabeth Freeman (possibly via Lauren Berlant), in relation to ‘queer time’ or a failure to achieve normative milestones in the time allotted, such as maturity, childbearing, marriage. Her paper on this is included in the documentation of a conference about Chris Kraus we both attended in 2013, which is where we met as we were on the same panel. 3

HP: Context in my work right now – all of this to do with ideas about speculation, past/present/future, chance/fate, resistance to goal/plan/target, not knowing what to do.

I’m currently doing some early/cursory research into the mythology of the fates (Ancient Greek and other cultures) as spinners, and thread as line; trying to parse linearity and how it might or might not relate to neurodivergence/neurotypicality. I like lines as a way of following or tracing, and also drawing as well as writing –thinking a lot about the work of Renee Gladman, who is interested in architecture and fiction (prose architectures), and works with drawing and writing and the relation between the two – so, also automatic and asemic writing. I also think a lot about Ariadne’s red thread in the labyrinth, and now that i am trying to learn to spin, how all threads are made of many tiny ones. This trying to spin has grown out of an old durational performance work i have done for years – so, durational performance, as a form, is part of this, maybe, for me. I always like the durational form, as it is more about setting up boundaries in space and then letting time happen than [it is about] existing in linear time. Chronophobia as anxiety about mortality, and control, or volition/agency; or the trace of subjectivity in the world (cf maybe tim ingold). Also, there are two types of time in the classical sense: Kairos (the now) and Chronos (history), or something like that.  None of this is fact-checked, I must say.Tarot cards relating to time are: wheel of fortune, temperance, death, the hanged man.

HP: Not sure i am doing this right, but thought some context to the earlier conversation might be useful for orientation, at the same time as thinking about my own self-diagnosis of ADHD and how it relates to knowledge and action and intention and access. Not sure if you saw this on my Twitter, but I thought it was a very good overview of neurodiversity discourse as it stands: https://www.janinebooth.com/content/two-and-half-cheers-neurodiversity

RB: Thanks. You’re doing this very right, I’d say.  Like somewhere back in the transcript there is a ‘gosh, yea’ of mine which stands in as a marker for the point at which my mind was blown, began to make new neural connections, bathed in a sort of speechless radiant awe for what you said; and this feels the same only more so, galaxy brain in mandelbrot – only grounded in and by your efforts to verbalise it and connect it with your work and that of others. That this is what you’re working on for your doctorate – I am awed and excited to know it. I would really like to be present when you perform.  I’m really impressed by your articulation. I feel such a relieved shock of recognition for chronophobia as you describe it, as something I had begun to acknowledge and articulate internally, but never outside myself, verbally or otherwise; nor had any inkling that it might be tangled up with ADHD ... nor that it is something other people experience or know about, nor that you are working on it in this profound way. I feel less alone and am honoured that you shared this here with us.

RB: Also – ehheh!  I saw today that we both liked this tweet

RB: Another highlight, for me, of today’s feed –

RB: I’m always keen for writers’ writing on technique, scanning in case I find a key there to my own outward articulacy and/or the means to vanquish distraction/avoidance. Just remembered when the poet Lucy Mercer said to me that as a writer, I’m a weaver. I was happy with that then and I am happy with it here, in this context. 4

HP: Hey! This is all so kind of you to say I am sort of overwhelmed. I can't believe i have even been paid for this already, so shout out to that. I made up chronophobia because  i wanted a way to describe my fear of time. I dont think it was really to talk to anyone else about it. I looked it up afterwards when I mentioned it to you I guess i have really let you have it with the inner monologue. I looked it up after I mentioned it to you. I figured that this had, you know, happened before, that other people would already be using this word. And they are. As a sort of intra-post-script, it is important to say that in terms of ADHD I came to this knowledge or understanding after like 12 years working as a private tutor, and without the students I worked with in that time I don’t see how I would have got to this articulation, so immense gratitude and respect to them for the thinking we did together about how thinking and learning work for different people.

HP: I was going to email you and ask for a deadline today but in the end i didn't write any emails because i was just spinning yarn on the wheel. It’s an amazing process learning to do it. Like a truly never-has-to-end embodied action. I think it could be the best way to replace some obsessive Twitter scrolling. My dad totally gets it. He says singing while spinning, that's the thing, he's heard. I learnt how to learn things from him mostly. I think maybe both my folks have ADHD. It’s supposed to be super heritable.

HP: My mum's a doctor. That's maybe where I get the cavalier attitude to discussing stuff like this you are supposed to be an expert to be allowed to think about. I am absolutely not an expert except perhaps of my own experience. Which this is, but but i push it, i know that. tho I don’t want the meds, I absolutely want to stress i am not like totally against meds. Chemicals are fine and good. Like coffee or you know whatever works. I am just in favour of people being given the best possible understanding of any treatment they undergo. I feel like i wanna unwind my own coping mechanisms like manually. Maybe that's a perk of late diagnosis – for me, anyway.

HP: I have to stop now. I am in a park and it’s dark now. I was sitting in the park cos i was an hour early to get a lift from my friend because i was so worried about being late. It’s perfect timing though. If you like sitting in parks watching orange street-lamps through blossom as if they are the sunset like some kinda shook moth. Which I do. And then type super fast into a phone cos you know someone asked.

HP: Thanks xx

RB: <3

RB: Thank you

1 –   https://Twitter.com/danidonovan/status/1100414551932030984

2

3 (http://www.metamute.org/editorial/books/you-must-make-your-death-public-collection-texts-and-media-work-chris-kraus )

4 mercer | ˈməːsə | noun British, chiefly historical a dealer in textile fabrics, especially silks, velvets, and other fine materials. (Oxford English Dictionary Version 2.3.0 (203.16.12))

[etirabys]

argumate replied to your post “second night back in Korea”

loving this meet the parents saga

also is your sister you but like, normal

// do not reblog

Kind of. She’s weird but in different ways. Let me sketch out this dramatis persona for you. Unfortunately I had to redact the weirdest thing I know about her because it’s too much for me to admit to.

She’s 12 years older than me and extroverted, she likes parties and drinking and was much sluttier than I was because she could tolerate interacting people long enough to hook up with them. Also, not Very Demisexual. Great envy!

Like me, she writhed and squirmed out of the Doctor Life Path my parents hopefully set in front of her, and rebelled by... becoming a lawyer

She got the same depression and executive dysfunction issues I did, at almost the same age – senior year of high school. She went from being on track to get into Harvard to missing physical interviews because she didn’t leave bed, ended up getting into one of the less prestigious Ivies

and then got on the same meds that worked to fix it (Ritalin/Concerta) at around the same time – I remember being in the CVS pharmacy to pick them up for the first time in 2016 and being on a call with her and she brightly said “oh, I got on those a few weeks ago!”

Unlike me, getting on Concerta has made her actively superpowered at her job, she now (voluntarily, happily) works like 10 hours a day and has gotten a promotion or two. Great envy!

In her spare time she comes back and plays Bejeweled or 2048 or Tetris – the same species of game I get obsessed with. For hours. Every day. As far as I know, she does only that, and socialize, in her spare time. Maybe some movies now and then. Doesn’t read or write at the rate I do. She used to read a lot, and says something just changed when she was pretty young – around the same time she got depressed – and it doesn’t interest her anymore.

She’s not a rationalist at all; she doesn’t walk around constantly dazed with wonder at creation; she has no trouble picking up on social norms and living by them.

She doesn’t form strong loves and hatreds in the pseudo-BPD way I do, she’s preternaturally even-keeled – things just slide off of her.

She’s not altruistic. She’s actively and almost gleefully materialistic. She likes flashy jewels, handbags, nice cars. She and my parents are probably the least moral people I care about.

She’s got a different relationship with gender and dating. She was really attractive in her twenties – I don’t think she was single for more than a few weeks at a time since she was in high school – and dated a series of Korean men who were gentle and sensitive and adored her, and settled down in her early-mid thirties with one of them. She’s not sexy anymore for various reasons and has told me she likes this because now she can have real friendships with men where she knows they don’t secretly want to bang.

She doesn’t live up to my idiosyncratic standards of “what you do to live your life fully as a thinking being” and I think of her as strangely flat. I love her, but haven’t related to her emotionally on a deep level since I was young. I find her life and priorities alien and a little terrifying.

[boogie-shoe-blog]

Parenthood...ugh!

Hello everyone out there in the tumblrverse! I am struggling hard with parenting my disrespectful, entitled, impulse control deficient 12 year old and need a place to...I don’t know...vent? Seek guidance? Advice? I don’t need anyone telling me I’m a piece of shit parent though (I already know that thanks) so please keep those comments to yourself. So a little back story...once upon a time I knew everything. Except that having a dude I barely knew blow his load in me a bunch would actually result in teen pregnancy. Shocking right?! Well turns out the warnings I ignored because I knew better were true! Cray cray! I was 18, pregnant, and I barely knew the father. Turns out he’s an asshole. Go figure. My mom died before I gave birth. I was on this journey alone. I did the best I could. I had dropped out of high school despite being crazy intelligent and it looked like I was doomed to live a menial life saddled with a kid I didn’t plan on or want. Then she was born. And, like the Grinch who hated children, my heart grew three sizes that day. She was beautiful, perfect. 5lbs 9oz just a tiny little thing. My whole world shifted in that moment. The moment they threw that tiny, slimy, screaming thing in my arms it was over. In that perfect moment I never dreamed the road ahead would be so heartbreakingly difficult. She was a good baby, a weird toddler, and a overall average kid. Then she started school. Oh boy did she make a splash. Within the first few weeks I was getting calls. She didn’t want to do her work. She didn’t want to participate. She didn’t want to interact with the other kids. She needed to be on Ritalin. She’s kicking the teachers. She’s throwing chairs. She’s locked herself in the principals office and is kicking everything off the desk. You know the usual. It didn’t matter what I did or what I said. Nothing made a difference. I tried everything. Reward systems and positive reinforcement seems to flip a switch in her head that makes everything so much worse. I gave her time outs, took away toys, forced her to clean, and even (gasp) spanked her. Nothing worked. At least nothing worked long term. Inevitably after a few days (or in most cases hours) she was back to doing the same old thing. Now she’s 12 and I’m at a loss. I found out she’s been using a sketchy social media app and was sent a video of a “14 year old” masturbating. The world is dangerous and she just doesn’t seem to care. She’s putting herself out there to be targeted. She’s disrespectful and mean. I don’t know how to get through to her. I’ve tried everything I can think of but I’ve hit a wall. I feel lost and scared and I’m so worried that she’s going to destroy her life if she can’t get it together. I don’t know what to do. I feel like a failure. So, I’m doing the only thing I can think of to keep my sanity. I’m going to be posting about our lives. No real names or places will be used. Maybe, just maybe, there will be people who have been through what I’m going through and will share their stories. What’s worked for you? What hasn’t? I’m willing to try anything at this point. I feel like I want to give up but I can’t. She’s too important.