#if i did that it would've been a violation

[agustdiv1ne]

i almost gave ttn!mc mommy issues but decided not to in fear of it being too much. i spared all of u.

[david-watts]

y’know it was total bullshit that I had to get a whole new suit for grade twelve... I’ll just say prom because they didn’t call it a formal because that was too common for that horrid place. because wearing the same jacket twice would’ve been further social suicide since posh eighteen-year-olds are some of the worst people about

[astonmartinii]

HI! Hope you are well! I have no clue if you are taking requests or not, but if you are, could you maybe do a smau with carlos sainz x ferrari!reader? Where the reader is part of the ferrari family, and when her father passes away, she will take on the company? And like, all of the tifosi love her loads, bcs she's just lovely to them all no matter what, and they see carlos slowly 'fall in love' with her then soft launch their relationship, and it turns out they had been dating for ages? If you can, ty!!

are you going to be my girl? | carlos sainz social media au

pairing: carlos sainz x fem ferrari!reader

it's not a HR violation if you were dating before she became your boss and it's not nepotism if it's her company.

yournameferrari

liked by carlossainz55, charles_leclerc and 872,309 others

yournameferrari: first race weekend, let's go girls 🏁

view all comments

user1: i am SCARED i am weirdly optimistic 🤔

user2: i have faith, the article about her and the whole new team... she's cooking

carlossainz55: excited to take her out for a spin

yournameferrari: lets keep all the spinning for the doughnuts at the end of the season please

carlossainz55: i'll try my best, no promises though

yournameferrari: okay stop commenting on my post and get ready to drive, you're wearing my name

carlossainz55: let me know when you want to wear mine

user3: yall it's not even been one race and carlos is flirting with his boss, they weren't lying f1 drivers really are fearless

sebastianvettel: feels like just the other day when you first visted the garage, you'll smash it!

yournameferrari: thanks seb! can't wait to see you again, give hanna and the kids my love

user4: i love that she's 23 but literally talks like a grandma

user5: the stress of ferrari does tend to age a person

charles_leclerc: forza ferrari ❤️ we'll make you proud

yournameferrari: i have all the faith in the world in you boys

user6: a ferarri owner who actually publicly supports the drivers? i've prayed for times like this

user7: ahhh i met her this weekend and she really loves the tifosi like she spent so long with us and signed as much as she could

carlossainz55

liked by yournameferrari, landonorris and 893,209 others

carlossainz55: great weekend all round, happy to be back on the podium - thank you to y/n and all the team for building us a car we can win in !!

view all comments

user9: don't shoot me but did we all see the way carlos was looking at y/n on the podium

user10: bestie i hate to tell you but there was like 100 ferrari workers at that podium he could've been looking at literally any of them

yournameferrari: you boys made the ferrari name proud this weekend ❤️

carlossainz55: couldn't have done it without you and the team

yournameferrari: you're too kind, take pride in your own achievements

carlossainz55: only if you celebrate with me

user11: are we witnessing the smooth operator in real time?

user12: it's like seeing a unicorn in the woods

landonorris: congrats chilli 🌶️ are we all celebrating or is it just you two?

carlossainz55: all of us? why wouldn't it be everyone?

landonorris: no reason ....

user13: maybe it's because carlos' eyes pop out of his head like a looney tunes whenever he's around y/n ferrari

liked by landonorris, charles_leclerc

carlossainz55: you realise i get the notifications when you guys like comments, right?

landonorris: well my PR team wouldn't like it if i commented it myself

carlossainz55: i wonder if there is a reason for that 🤔

user14: carlando domestics in the comment section we are so back

scuderiaferrari

liked by carlossainz55, charles_leclerc and 803,451 others

tagged: yournameferrari

scuderiaferrari: no race this weekend? we'll give you a #️⃣ asky/n to give you your ferrari content this weekend!

view all comments

user15: what is your favourite race?

yournameferrari: besides the obvious choices of imola and monza, i really enjoy suzuka and spa !

user16: who is a driver you would've loved to have managed?

yournameferrari: the obvious answer is michael schumacher, but i also would've loved to work with seb and kimi and jean alesi!

user17: how do you feel about taking over ferrari so young?

yournameferrari: it's definitely daunting, especially when no one really knew i existed. i was scared when it came to the staff overhaul as they had been there for so long and i was scared that it would massively backfire, but so far so good.

user18: tbf it's been a long time coming

user19: what would you do if you weren't owning ferrari?

yournameferrari: to be honest, ferrari and motorsport is all i have ever known, but, i also enjoy most other sports like football, ice skating and golf. but outside of sport i would've loved to pursue writing, i love poetry and essays!

user20: GOLF? cue carlos sainz in 3...2...1

carlossainz55: let's go for a round after my next sim session ⛳️

yournameferrari: only if you're ready to lose

user21: i am having ... feelings about this pairing

user22: how do you feel about charles' music?

yournameferrari: i always think it is good to have another passion, especially with how all-consuming formula one can become. i personally love charles' music and will often put it on when i do yoga or read (though my favourite is AUS23)

charles_leclerc: thank you y/n !!!

user23: is this *rubs eyes* an owner with a good relationship with the drivers???

f1gossipgirl

liked by user28, user29 and 4,130 others

tagged: yournameferrari, pierregasly

f1gossipgirl: AWKWARD MOMENT ALERT 🚨 y/n ferrari had harsh word for pierre gasly when they crossed paths in the paddock. gasly, whose dangerous driving put carlos sainz in the medical centre, seemed shocked that ferrari would have a problem with him. sources in the paddock said that ferrari admonished the frenchman, "you have a lot of gall in the media gasly, everyone saw how dangerous that was, you can't blame your own shortcomings on alpha tauri or adrian newey now. keep your car away from my drivers or we'll have a real problem." oop. allegedly gasly only replied with a wink and a "anything for you sweetheart" which caused y/n to storm off and knock his shoulder on the way past. who is in the right?

view all comments

user30: THAT'S MY OWNER RIGHT THERE

user31: y/n owned gasly

user32: not only was he dangerous on track he's also super disrespectful off, y/n is expressing her concerns over her driver who could've been seriously injured and he just flirts with her ???

user33: pierre is super in the wrong here but also it's so refreshing to see someone in management actually have the drivers back

user34: gone were the days of begging ferrari to even appeal penalties

user35: my friend was in the paddock and apparently vasseur had to hold sainz back after he was told about what pierre had done

user36: the way he's more mad that pierre disrespected y/n than nearly killing him

user37: idk why she's getting involved, no need to talk to the drivers like that, you're the owner, know your place

liked by pierregasly

user38: something insidious about the man liking a comment telling a woman to know her place 🤨

user39: he acts the victim in every situation and yet HE is the common denominator

user40: after ^^^ this whole mess i need carlos to scrap pierre

user41: i feel like he actually would that man is in love with y/n lol

yournameferrari

liked by carlossainz55, scuderiaferrari and 903,451 others

yournameferrari: happy summer break everyone !! going into the break leading the constructor's championship lead is amazing but we aim to finish the season with both trophies back in maranello. see you in zandvoort x

view all comments

user42: A MAN?

user43: i was delusional to think that a young successful and smart woman wasn't cuffed :(

sebastianvettel: are you still planning to swing by switzerland?

yournameferrari: we'll be there!

this comment was deleted

yournameferrari: i'll be there!

user44: girl we saw that

user45: the way she posts her soft launch but deletes a comment that says she might bring him to visit seb?

user46: visiting seb is a big deal tbf

user47: the way carlos HAS to have her notifications on mans was here after 30 seconds

user48: has better reaction time for y/n's instagram post than a race start 😭

carlossainz55: working on my swing, ready for our round of golf

yournameferrari: get ready to be humbled

carlossainz55: if you're as pro as you say i may have to upgrade us to crazy golf

yournameferrari: as long as i get the red ball

carlossainz55: deal

user49: are we FLIRTING 👀 ???????

carlossainz55

liked by landonorris, yournameferrari and 703,458 others

tagged: yournameferrari

carlossainz55: took a break from swimming to get my ass whooped by my boss on the golf course

view all comments

user50: oh the fit - Y/N CAME TO PLAY

landonorris: just how bad was the whopping? before i propose a paddock golf tournament

carlossainz55: she'll ruin the sport for you it's not fair

landonorris: you didn't put up any sort of fight?

carlossainz55: i TRIED but as soon as i saw the custom clubs i knew it was over

yournameferrari: i have a confession, i was literally on my college golf team, i had a lot of practice sorry x

carlossainz55: so you're basically a professional? that's comforting

yournameferrari: not really a professional but a very dedicated amateur

user51: babe you literally won the national championship at stanford stop playing with this man

yournameferrari: oops? 😬

user52: right, i don't mean to sound crazy, but i have a theory. the third pic looks very familiar to me, is it a lake in switzerland? the switzerland one SEBASTIAN VETTEL lives in and that y/n ferrari said she was going to visit this summer with someone?

user53: i fear you've made a point

user54: as much as they'd be literally the hottest couple in the world ... is it not a bit weird for carlos to date his boss? like... also what does this mean for potential favouritism?

user55: i get those concerns but we've already seen this season that decisions have been made both ways. unlike the binotto era ferrari actually are making the two first drivers thing work

user56: based on what y/n has said in the past i don't think she'd favour carlos because of a relationship, i think she's too ruthless to potentially sacrifice points to benefit her potential boyfriend

f1

liked by landonorris, carlossainz55 and 1,239,861 others

tagged: carlossainz55

f1: the smooth operator is back to winning ways with his win under the singapore lights. it was a double podium for ferrari and a DNF for sergio perez means that ferrari are constructors champions once again!

view all comments

user60: Y/N FERRARI THE WOMAN YOU ARE AND HOLY SHIT HER AND CARLOS KISSING DID SOMETHING TO ME

user61: we really went from xavi and not having any tyres to proper professionals and the WCC trust the WDC will be coming back home soon

carlossainz55: tifosi, we'll get the big one next year ❤️

user62: CONSTRUCTOR CHAMPIONS AND YOU BAGGED Y/N FERRARI U WON AT LIFE

landonorris: so you made me find out with everyone else? i see how it is

carlossainz55: sorry landito, didn't intend for anyone to find out just yet but i guess i got a little carried away..

yournameferrari: a little?

carlossainz55: sorry but i've been good all year and finally got the win and the championship i couldn't help myself (you also looked so good sorry)

yournameferrari: i guess i can give you that (you're also very sexy post-race)

charles_leclerc: well i for one am super happy that i never opened the door when i heard a suspicious sound coming from y/n's office

yournameferrari: omg delete please i stubbed my toe i swear !!!!

charles_leclerc: no one is believing that i'm sorry

carlossainz55: we've never done anything untoward on ferrari property

landonorris: untoward? who are you?

carlossainz55: my gf is super duper college educated and it's rubbing off on me

landonorris: AHAHAHA RUBBING OFF

yournameferrari: 🤨

landonorris: sorry.

carlossainz55

liked by landonorris, yournameferrari and 1,034,510 others

tagged: yournameferrari

carlossainz55: suprise ! i guess it wasn't to be just ours forever, but i love you y/n and will give everything to you and your name x

view all comments

user62: boyfriend in the first slide and girlfriend in the others he's so real

yournameferrari: i know this secret was hard for you to keep so i'm proud of you regardless, i love you 🫶

carlossainz55: honestly any time anyone in the paddock flirted with you i thought i would explode

yournameferrari: i've seen your dm requests, spare me

carlossainz55: but now they know, i can unleash all of my pictures of you and i can flex on everyone

user63: dream threesome list just got a new update

landonorris: first slide for me i know that's right

carlossainz55: i am forgiven for not telling you about my relationship? the two years were tough

landonorris: TWO YEARS?

carlossainz55: your tone sounds kinda off

landonorris: you can shove your first slide up your ass 👍 TWO YEARS?????

carlossainz55: tbf i couldn't really announce to the world that i was dating the woman who would someday become the owner of my team

landonorris: give me three business days and i'll be okay

scuderiaferrari: parents ❤️

charles_leclerc: happy for you guys but never ask me to take pictures of you again x

yournameferrari: you did such a good job though!

charles_leclerc: unless i see a photographer bonus in my contract i will not be third wheeling for free

yournameferrari: noted (you're not getting the bonus)

charles_leclerc: it was worth the try

yournameferrari

liked by charles_leclerc, carlossainz55 and 1,035,556 others

tagged: carlossainz55

yournameferrari: what a crazy first season. i am unbelievably proud of the boys and the team, we'll bring both championships back to maranello next season ❤️

view all comments

user64: she is everything i want to be

user65: tbf after last season i never thought we would win a race this season and her overhaul and ruthlessness has actually changed the game. also her and carlos are super cute

carlossainz55: i love you and thank you for our season. here's to the best winter break with you

yournameferrari: finally you can spend christmas the ferrari way

user66: how do we also get an invite to this christmas.. do you have any brothers? cousins? uncles?

carlossainz55: you're so so so beautiful, pretty, bewitching, ravishing, stunning and irresistible

yournameferrari: i love you too handsome

carlossainz55: can you also humble my dad at golf please and thank you

yournameferrari: we'll go doubles for the sainz golf tournament and have NO MERCY

user67: someone tell y/n the season is over and that she doesn't need to ruin sainz snr's christmas on the golf course

yournameferrari: the ferrari name never rests sorry not sorry

user68: yeah yeah the constructor championship finally came back to ferrari but this relationship is the real win from this season

user69: carlos finally found someone as old money as him

user70: and is actually old money, babes has that ferrari money

carlossainz55: i can retire early and be the house husband

yournameferrari: you will not retire early i expect you to be kicking it in that car until you're at least alonso's age

carlossainz55: but after that i can be the house husband a HAB?

yournameferrari: to your hearts content :) no one prettier i'd want on my arm x

note: hope you enjoyed i was BATTLING the writers block on this one lol. but i hope this is what you were looking for

[vqler]

Stuck?

Zenless Zone Zero [switches Seth/Wise]

a/n: for one and only @wertzunge. happy belated birthday once again! your santa nicely showed me your wishlist a few days ago, so i decided to experiment a little. hope you'll enjoy ദ്ദി• ˕ •マ.ᐟ

ps: some tickly art under keep reading. i was writing it in a wildly sleepy condition, so forgive me mistakes brothers and sisters ________________________________

Night. Tail. A fluffy, large tail flickered back and forth. Back and forth... Almost hypnotizing a random passerby, who turned out to be Proxy’s Phaeton. Wise thoughtfully watched it, as well as the lower half of the body sticking out right from the wall.

“Ugh... Come on!... How…” an annoyed male muffled voice sounded from the other side reached Wise's ears. Although even without the voice it was clear who got into such an... interesting situation.

“How?..” Wise repeated, and Seth's tail, stuck in the wall, instantly wagged stronger.

“W-Wise! Manager, is that you?!” Seth rejoiced, slapping his palms on the wall from his side. He recognized his friend, but then continued sadly, “ugh, can't hear well. My ears are on the other side of this problem... Hopefully, it’s you.”

"Right, it's me, but...." Wise raised an eyebrow, looking at the fidgeting butt of the wall's victim, "...are you sure it's a good idea to rest in this hole instead of doing your night duty?"

If only he could hear the heaviness of the sigh on the other side, he would probably run out of air in his lungs himself.

"You may think this is absurd, but... it's all a cat."

"A cat?”, either not hearing, or not believing, Wise asked in bewilderment.

"Yes, a cat! White!"

"..."

"Not me," the policeman hastened to clarify, realizing that he was only burying himself deeper in a... hole. "A street cat was running here. It stopped next to me while I was on patrol, and seemed to want something. Well, I leaned towards it... And then it snatched my walkie-talkie."

Wise blinked with an idiotic expression on his face, listening intently to Seth's wagging tail.

"I tried to take it away, but it wasn't easy. After a couple of minutes of chasing, the cat saw this same hole and jumped through it. So this is how I..."

"Don't tell me you thought you would slide through this hole. With your sizes."

Seth went silent for a moment.

"It happened instinctively," the only thing he managed to mumble as an excuse.

Wise nodded understandingly, forgetting that the other one couldn't see him. He looked around and noticed that there was no end to the wall on either side. No wonder that Seth didn't go around — the cat would've long ago disappeared into the shelter, disassembled the radio into parts and reassembled it several times.

"And here I thought there should've been racial solidarity between you two."

"We are completely different species!" Seth shook himself and then sighed again: "Could you call Zhu Yuan or... anyone?"

“Sorry, I forgot my phone at home,” for some reason he wanted to lie and see what else would come of it.

“Oh? How so?! W-well... Then take it from my pants.”

So he did. Not as Seth expected though.

"W-Wise! It's in the back pocket!" the catman fidgeted from offbeat sensations when Wise tried to feel for the phone in the side pockets, and even somewhere in front.

"Ah, right," not feeling particularly guilty Wise moved his hand from the sides to his lower back muscles. And yet not here, since the outline of the phone was clearly visible and far from the proxy's cunning fingers. As his hand traveled down poor Lowell's backside, Wise felt a twitch and a puff every now and then. At first, he only found it cute, but along the way he quickly realized what was what, and came up with a plan.

"Tell me, hypothetically... If I called for help, but a little later? Would it be?.."

"...a violation of the law by a citizen in relation to another? Especially to someone who is a representative of the Security Service and who desperately needs help?" he somehow enthusiastically recalled. Seth loved rules. And he unconditionally loved to obey them, as well as subject others to them.

"Right. Would it be?.."

Seth would have gladly answered, but instead of words, a groan escaped his tongue. Wise moved his hand a little lower and tickled the root of the tail, while the other hand was playfully pinching his hips, as if "trying to find something". Seth, who was barely standing on his toes, instinctively tried to move away, but only pressed himself harder into the hole in the wall.

"Y-yes! Wise, aha- hahaha, please!" he already howled embarrassedly, twisting in another and senseless attempt to escape from captivity. "And... such actions are unacceptable!.. I can equate them to... to..."

"Harassment!" Wise jokingly exclaimed in a deliberately serious tone, and then began to actively tickle Seth right under the ribs.

Explosive feelings. Loud laughter and the thud of fists hitting the wall came from the other side of the hole. Seth wriggled as best he could, and if friction hadn’t gotten in the way, he might have slipped out by now, since any caught fish could learn such hardcore fidgeting.

"Yes!!.. Aha- HAHAhaHahaaa! Stah- thihis instant!!" Oh, how adorably pleasant this unknown laughter sounded to Wise's ears.

"Don't worry, Seth. I'm not doing anything unlawful. Just trying to help." Wise grinned and squeezed his sides upper, almost digging into the hole in a way to his armpits. Still, it was too tight. "Who knows when others will come if I call them. We can get you out with our own efforts!"

Seth continued to fidget and laugh desperately, but the mention of his own efforts tugged at his workaholic streak. He never liked to be a burden to anyone, and was always a hard worker, so he mentally agreed that he could try his best here too. But these thoughts were somewhere too deep, and it was they who stopped the rookie officer from yet another appeal to the law. On the surface of his emotions, Seth wanted to kill Wise.

"Yohou'll pay for thihis!!"

"Sure," Wise smiled to himself and went for the thighs. Seth’s body was almost built for squeezing everything in it, as Wise thought. And, fortunately, absolutely everything was incredibly ticklish for him, at least right now, when he couldn't even predict the next move of his "rescuer".

"By the way, Seth…" Wise started, looking down at the very enticingly standing flimsy feet. "I actually haven't seen you without gloves before. Do your hands and feet look like paws by chance?"

A blush spread hotly across his face, filling every pore with an embarrassment the guy had never known before. Seth understood where this dialogue was going and was momentarily horrified at the thought that he would have to go through tickling in the spot he himself can't touch without shaking. "Regular human feet, I swear! You don't have to check!"

Obviously, Wise wasn't satisfied with this answer. Or maybe, on the contrary, he was more than satisfied? In any case, he felt the need to take off those shoes and check properly. First, by teasingly sliding there with one finger, and then briskly wiggling with the rest to the accompaniment of confused laughter, squeals and wall shaking... Of course, in the name of salvation.

~~~

Next day, Wise didn't receive any papers or messages about reporting to Security. Instead, Security came for him.

"Manager Wise is awake?" Seth asked his yawning little sister, who was just coming down from the second floor of the video rental store she and her brother shared.

Glancing at the Security officer in surprise, Belle took a step back, finding a higher step with her foot.

"Wise! What have you done tonight?! Here…"

"Thank you," Seth nodded briefly to the slightly frightened girl and went upstairs.

The open door obviously led to his sister's room, which meant there was another one. Seth walked in unceremoniously, and finding Wise just awake and confused by Seth's arrival, he defiantly took out handcuffs, to which Wise reacted with a frisky jump, as if he had been stung by a dozen bees in one soft spot.

"Seth! Are you seriously going to arrest me?!"

Wise was almost ready to tear out his hair: how could this be? Is this the end? He, of course, expected that sooner or later Seth would find out about something that he should have, but to repeat the scenario drawn in his head just because of a child's prank?.. Not even that. Because of helping a friend in need out of the kindness of his heart?!

While Wise was clutching his head, rethinking his moments of connection with Seth, the officer had already managed to handcuff him.

"Not a step. I came to punish you." Seth's voice was firm, it was unclear whether it was fake or sincere. The only thing that Wise understood very well now was that frowning Seth looked extremely cute. "Justice will prevail, and you have the right… uhm, only to remain silent… if it will be possible in your situation, of course," stretching out the words, Seth was speaking very closely to Wise's ear, almost running his nose over the guy's cheek. He placed his hand on Wise's stomach and dived under the longsleeve, suddenly tickling the belly of the detainee.

That's when Wise was struck by lightning. So this is what kind of punishment he had in mind! Well, of course, Seth was his friend. Be that as it may, he was sure that this Thiren still values kindness above the letter of the law. But still, now he wondered if a fate worse than arrest awaited him. The idea of being tickled by the cat's claws gave Wise an army of goosebumps and a cold sweat down his back.

"S-Seth! You don't have to do this! I swear, I only wanted to help!" Wise muttered confusedly, backing away, but Seth held the chain of handcuffs tightly. Without waiting for an answer, Proxy rushed wherever his eyes directed him, because of which the officer was taken aback and almost fell, but never let go of the handcuffs, running after the scoundrel.

"Stop right there! You'll only make it worse for yourself if you keep resisting!" Seth shouted, chasing and tickling Wise all the way, until his victim tripped over his own foot and loudly fell to the floor.

"Seth, haha! HAhaHahahAaa!! I'm sohorry, I- ahapologize! HAHAHA!~"

It was the moment when he found it ironic that got the right to remain silent, since for the next twenty minutes of his punishment the entire neighborhood could hear Wise fighting loudly, through laughter and tears, to actually gain that right. Well, deep down he knew he deserved it. Maybe not even that deep.

[whoopsyeahokay]

October Sun

summary: you'd never been shy about sharing what you knew about the dead. to hide in plain sight was a decision you'd made behind your mother's back, all while respecting the warning she'd given you those many years ago. because, really, who would believe you?

pairing: Wally Clark x fem!reader

warnings: eventual smutty smut smut. and mad spoilers. and obvious Canon divergence. very involved, very dense plot.

tysm for all the love u guys 😭

___________________________💀

OCTOBER SUN pt.2

It was the first real day of spring, the sun shining and the breeze warm, and Mathilda had coaxed you and Xavier outside for lunch. You sat in the grass beside the bleachers and were lazily watching the football team run drills when you spotted Maddie and Simon.

They joined you when you waved them over, closing the circle, Maddie beside Xavier and Simon beside her putting him to your left.

You'd seen the way Maddie and Xavier looked at each other, bashful glances and pink cheeks when they thought no one noticed. They'd been cute for each other since you'd gone to the Gorrorcon screening of Grindhouse as a group last month. It was rare that Xavier tagged along for the gory movies, but as soon as you'd mentioned Maddie's name, he hadn't needed much convincing.

While the others chatted idly, your attention drifted, tracking a footballer who appeared to be coaching a boy dressed head to toe in denim. The boy looked uncomfortable on the field, held the football like it was a baby he might drop, and grimaced when the footballer jogged backward a few yards and signaled for the ball.

You knew who they were. Knew you shouldn't be casual about witnessing a moment they thought was theirs. Only, you couldn't help yourself. The footballer was handsome. Not hot or fit or fine. Handsome. With dark, fluffy hair and soulful eyes that you wished softened for you the way Xavier's did for Maddie.

Wally Clark, stadium namesake, died doing what he loved.

Even from afar, you could see the way the muscles in his arms bunched when he tossed the ball, had to wet your lips when his shirt rose to reveal a pale stripe of skin. Instead of the sweatpants he usually donned, he wore shorts that, in different circumstances, would've earned Wally a dress code violation. Barely there, they clung to him like paint on a canvas, accentuating the curve of his ass and thickness of his furry thighs.

Have mercy...

"Leave our sweet flower alone, you know she's saving herself," Mathilda said, pulling your attention back to the conversation happening around you.

The comment she'd responded to had to have been about your virginity. A realization you shook your head at while Mathilda made herself the picture of an angel. It was one of several tactics your friend group employed to violently drag you back to earth whenever your head was in the clouds.

Xavier chuckled and nudged Mathilda's shoulder with his.

"What I miss?" You asked, glancing between the others, still a little dazed by the image Wally made on the field.

Unfortunately, Simon didn't know the rules and, curiosity piqued, asked, "Are you really?"

"Am I really what? Saving myself?" Simon nodded. You grinned, shameless, and stretched your arms above your head as if embracing the sky, "Of course I am," then dropped backward to lie on the grass.

That wasn't entirely true. Simply, your virginity wasn't something you ruminated on, having never been in a relationship, but you'd also long since accepted that you couldn't do what Mathilda had done, finding an interested partner at a concert and losing it for the sake of getting it over with. "I'm surprised Tilly didn't tell you."

Mathilda scoffed, "About your ghost?"

"Ghost?" Now Maddie was intrigued, glancing between you, Mathilda, and Xavier, seeking answers. "You're saving yourself for a ghost?"

You rolled your head toward her and winked through your aviators, laughing lightly at her shocked expression. You could tell she wasn't sure what to make of it, hovering between interested in hearing what the hell you meant by that and concerned that you were that delusional.

"So, you wanna die a virgin, got it." Simon turned to look you in the eye, expression straight for all of three seconds before he started to shake with laughter.

You sat up and swatted at him; he grabbed your wrist and dragged you to his chest, giving him the angle he needed to grind his knuckles against your scalp. He released you when you shrieked and dug your elbow into his stomach.

Once you'd both settled, "How would that even work?" Maddie wondered, raising a hand to list her thoughts on her fingers, "I mean, a) say you guys can get physical, would it be like sleeping with a corpse?" Ew. God. "And b) don't ghosts haunt the places they died? So, if there was a ghost here, you guys would have to do it in a classroom or...the janitor's closet—" "Another nail in the coffin of Romance." Xavier said. You were surprised and somewhat gleeful that Maddie was willing to lend genuine consideration to such an absurd topic, to the point you didn't see the harm in revealing, "Actually, ghosts can roam as far and wide as they want. They aren't confined the way we are. I mean, they could get stuck in a loop if their death was that traumatic, but, for the most part," You smiled at her, "Ghosts can haunt wherever their spooky little hearts desire."

It's not as if anyone really gave credence to the things you said, anyway. Proven when Simon launched into a tirade that drew a lot of inspiration from a show in the Flanaverse.

Hide in plain sight. An idea you'd concocted when the witchcore revolution had exploded on tiktok, alt kids everywhere boasting a collection of healing crystals and excusing their behavior on Mercury Retrograde. Even your mother had taken advantage of the era, promoting her services via heavily filtered videos she had your sister film.

As far as everyone was concerned, your weird ghost lore was a matter of personal opinion and not the result of your family's unique and extensive library.

‗‗‗‗•‗‗‗‗

"Now what?" Simon asked, phone pressed to his ear, as he watched you retreat into the school. Probably questioning his sanity with every step after the conversation he'd just had with you.

"I don't know." Maddie admitted, picking her nails, "I really needed to believe it was true." Even though, before she'd died, Maddie had been skeptical about your sense of the supernatural.

While you'd been in the bus shelter with them, Maddie had argued at Simon to confide in you about his ability to see her. Thought, prayed, that you were perhaps too afraid to admit you could see her, too. Only, it'd become increasingly clear that you weren't faking how Maddie didn't exist in that moment with you at all.

Maddie's chin fell to her chest, eyes sullen. "She had no idea I was right here, I—" She groaned roughly and fell back against the glass, hands scrubbing her face. "—I don't know what I thought she could do to help, I just..." Hoped you'd have answers; maybe had a way of getting Maddie unstuck so she could roam further than the boundaries of the school grounds.

Too bad it was, as you'd put it, a fraud.

Simon itched to console Maddie, hated that he couldn't. He could tell she was conflicted, emotions warring between sadness and anger and resentment. You'd let her down, whether or not you'd meant to, and it stung.

"Hey," Simon said, trying to infuse some positivity into his tone, "We'll figure something out. Until then, I'll just keep doing the heavy lifting."

Maddie turned her head and regarded him softly, "I don't want to keep putting you in situations like that." She remembered Mr. Anderson manifesting behind Simon that night in autoshop, a tinge of menace in his demeanor, and winced.

"It's not like I have anything better to do." Simon shrugged and gave what amounted to a smile, "I got all this free time since my best friend went missing."

A pungent silence crept in and hung in the air between them, neither willing to address that went missing was putting a delusional spin on it.

���___________________________

PART ONE - PART THREE

also available on AO3!

MATERLIST

[lettersfromthelevant]

"oh no!! But what if he grows up and hates that he's been circumcised!!"

Don't forget the argument about "well, it removes some of the pleasure he'll be getting >:(" which is a complaint that always tells me what that person thinks about condoms, lol. Not to mention, it's pretty dubious science anyway.

The consent aspect is absolutely a valid discussion to have, but that is 100% a Jewish intra-community topic and goyim have no business interfering with it, considering circumcision is not medically harmful and doesn't have permanent negative impacts. I hate when people* compare the consent debate around circumcision to shit like FGM, when they aren't comparable at all. Cultural relativism is important, but I feel that everyone throws it out in applicable circumstances just because it sometimes gets applied to inappropriate ones.

*this is not directed at the people being responded to in this thread

Do you think the sudden outcry against circumcision is rooted in antisemitism? I feel like it is... every person i know who has been circumcised has stated its never posed an issue for them in their life, they've never even thought of it. And I've noticed a lot of these groups are funded by Christian groups, and often even compare circumcision to female genital mutilation, which is in no way ever comparable. I've been trying to help people consider this child be true, but they always say I'm just trying to center Jewish issues too much in an issue that's unrelated.

Oh it's most definitely rooted in antisemitism (also Islamophobia in modern tomes, but anti-circumcision rhetoric wielded against Jews predates Islam). The ancient Greeks and Romans considered circumcised penises to be inferior, and numerous occupiers of Judea placed bans on circumcision to oppress the Jewish people. I wouldn't call the "outcry against circumcision" is sudden at all- it goes back for millennia.

While many cultures practice circumcision, in Western society, circumcision is most associated with Jews. The idea of circumcision as being uniquely barbaric is tied to blood libel which paints Jews as bloodthirsty child molesters and abusers. It is no coincidence that most anti-circumcision groups are funded by Christians- Christianity has demonized circumcision ever since it broke away from Judaism.

Circumcision doesn't really cause significant changes in penis sensation or functionality, and contrary to popular belief, Jews don't circumcise for any aesthetic or sexual reason (like these anti-circumcision "activists" like to claim)- it's purely because it's what G-d commanded us to and because it's our mark of our covenant with Him. And it's absolutely a disservice to victims of FGM to compare circumcision to it.

Anti-circumcision rhetoric cannot be separated from antisemitism.

[writerbuddha]

Good evening. I would like to ask why the Trade Federation invaded Naboo? I know they created a blockade to protest the taxation of trade routes over which they have a monopoly, but why did they invade Naboo? What will they gain by conquering and dominating the planet?

Hello! :)

If you remember, Qui-Gon indicates not once, but twice in The Phantom Menace that invading Naboo "is an odd play for the Trade Federation" and that "There's no logic in the Federation's move here." If they can control and rule a planet as bountiful as Naboo it would obviously bring them considerable wealth, but their decision to invade Naboo simply makes no sense.

It's important to remember that the Viceroy - and therefore, the Trade Federation - is following Darth Sidious/Senator Palpatine's plan and instructions. So, the question you should ask: how Darth Sidious/Senator Palpatine benefits from the invasion of Naboo?

The invasion of Naboo exposed that, as Padmé put it, “the Republic no longer functions.” The reason for that is because, as Palpatine tells her, "There is no civility, only politics. The Republic is not what it once was. The senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates. There is no interest in the common good" and "the chancellor has little real power. He is mired by baseless accusations of corruption. The bureaucrats are in charge now." He asserts "best choice would be to push for the election of a stronger supreme chancellor, one who could control the bureaucrats and give us justice," advising Padmé to move for a vote of no confidence against the Chancellor. When she does, he tells her, "Now they will elect a new chancellor a strong chancellor... one who will not let our tragedy continue."

There's a reason why he chose Naboo, his own home planet to be invaded: he was nominated to succeed the Chancellor. As he says, "I feel confident our situation will create a strong sympathy vote for us. I will be chancellor." Who else would be seen by the Senate as the perfect candidate to put an end to corruption and take control of the bureaucrats, than the Senator whose home suffers the most because of the failure of leadership?

The treaty that was supposed to legitimize the invasion of Naboo if Queen Amidala signs it and gets ratified by the Senate serves the same purpose. The treaty would totally violate both Republic law and common sense, but we must remember that the Senate is without a real leader and bureaucrats are in charge, and their priority is not to exercise intelligent judgment or to respond to situations or the needs of the people - they care only about procedural correctness. They would ratify the treaty, because on paper, it has all the requirements that makes it enforceable. It would've been the ultimate proof that the Republic doesn't function, the laws are no longer enforced, that there's just no compassion and sanity in the Senate anymore. This is why Queen Amidala signing the treaty is so important to them - it would have caused panic, just like the Separatist crisis did in Attack of the Clones, leading up to granting Palpatine emergency powers. It would've quicken the process of the galaxy descending into the mentality that Anakin expresses to Padmé in Attack of the Clones: democracy is broken so the solution is a strong, wise leader who will solve the problems if he is given the necessary power to do so.

[99thpercentile]

I get the feeling that I'm in the minority here, but I posit that GLaDOS actually is Caroline, and only "not the same person" in the sense that you'd look at your younger self and be like "that bitch ain't me." I think you actually have to go out of your way to interpret them as two separate people.

evidence:

voiced by the same person (I know the initial reasoning was that Valve didn't want to hire another voice actor for a few lines, but in casting Ellen McLain as Caroline, they incorporated her being the same person into the story).

GLaDOS automatically joins in saying "Yes sir, Mister Johnson" like saying it is permanently ingrained in her. you can interpret this as Caroline taking over, but she says "Why did I just—" immediately afterwards.

when GLaDOS talks about hearing the voice of a conscience, she says "for the first time it's MY voice." I don't think she means that she's hearing the woman she gets her literal voice from. she highlights it as distinctly DIFFERENT from hearing the voices of the cores, and I imagine if Caroline were a foreign entity whispering in her ear, the effect would've been much the same.

the GLaDOS project was originally started because Cave was dying and wanted his consciousness uploaded to a computer. the intent was always for the upload to be the same person. he said if he died first, he wanted Caroline to run the place, to be put in his computer. and that's exactly what happened.

GLaDOS not remembering she's Caroline until old Aperture always made sense to me as the result of a deliberate choice on the part of the scientists. Caroline didn't want to be uploaded, and as soon as they switched GLaDOS on, she tried to kill everyone. it's logical for the scientists to think that if they suppressed her memories, she'd have no reason to try to kill them (but instead, she was just filled with murderous rage and no longer knew why).

the story just doesn't have the same impact otherwise. GLaDOS's reactions to rediscovering old Aperture make more sense if it's her past she's rediscovering, rather than the past of...a human that was shoved into the chassis with her. if it were the second one, I think she would just feel violated, not have any major revelations.

counter-evidence:

"now little Caroline is in here too" lyric from Want You Gone

GLaDOS says she found out "where Caroline lives in [her] brain" and deleted her, like she's a separate entity

but GLaDOS is a habitual liar. she acts like deleting Caroline means she's fully back to her old self and has gotten rid of the part of her that made her want to save Chell's life, but there's...lots of evidence that she still cares about Chell after the fact (letting her go anyway, the companion cube, the turret opera if you think GLaDOS arranged that, talking to the co-op bots about Chell like she's an ex she's still heartbroken over...). I also think GLaDOS would like to imagine her and Caroline as two separate entities, in the same way you might find your younger self embarrassing and want to distance yourself from that person. I think it's notable that both instances where she refers to Caroline as a separate entity are at the end of the game, after Chell has been passed out a while and she's had time to process everything and compartmentalize. her instinct when the revelations are first happening is to refer to Caroline as if she is her.

now I don't like stories where a robot has to become or be seen as more human in some way for them to be sympathetic. but I think Portal 2 is an excellent subversion of this trope, because GLaDOS is a robot that learns she used to be human and then discards that humanity (symbolically if not literally). Caroline may not have wanted to be uploaded, but from the Want You Gone lyrics "one day they woke me up / so I could live forever / it's such a shame the same will never happen to you" I think we can say that GLaDOS definitely prefers being a robot now that she is one.

anyway this post was supposed to be much shorter than this, thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

[valtsv]

i've definitely said this before but it really does drive me crazy that the alien prequel-sequel films (prometheus and covenant) set up such a compelling narrative foils-who-are-also-mirrors gothic horror in space dynamic in david and elizabeth and then just abandoned it and fast forwarded to the conclusion. i don't even think they were necessarily wrong to end it the way they did (with david killing elizabeth because he knew she would never share his god complex, destroying her species' "gods", and further violating her body without her consent by doing fucked up unethical engineering experiments with her corpse out of a perverse desire to create new life with her in the only way he can), but it feels so cheap and such a disservice to the characters that they didn't show us everything that led to that point. the development of the messed up codependent psychosexual Thing they had as the only survivors of the prometheus expedition, and its inevitable paranoid breakdown when it became clear that they were ideologically opposed in fundamentally immutable ways, culminating in one of them inevitably destroying the other. it's not like they would even have had to give up all the religious imagery/parental trauma themes that they tried (mostly unsuccessfully) to use in covenant. if anything it would've been even better *finishes my drink and leaves the bar without paying, walking out into the night before you can stop me*

[forgotten-daydreamer]

I'm sorry, but if the first thing you do to your dead-and-resurrected son after he reveals his identity is to beat him mercilessly, maybe consider therapy??

I get it, Jason did all sorts of stuff that's, how do I put it, frowned upon, but he went after people who trafficked children and sold them drugs- not after innocents or minor criminals.

"I'm what this city needs." sums his whole character up. If violence against the violent is what it takes to ensure the civilians' safety, then so be it.

Can you blame a kid who was raised in a house that was constantly on fire (fig.) because of drugs and abuse if he grows up to despise those things especially when kids are involved? Can you? I, for one, can't, and don't want to.

Jason was 101% right to do what he did. And he was 101% right for telling Bruce off for his clouded judgement and useless moral code.

Again, "I forgive you, for not saving me. But why on God's earth is he still alive? [...] I'm talking about [killing] him [the Joker], just him, and doing it because he took me away from you."

You can't not get what Jason means with those words, they aren't hard to decipher, there isn't any hidden message. Jason wanted Bruce, his father, to get rid of his son's murderer because said son was pried away from his father's hands, starved, tortured and blown the fuck up. A kid, barely a teen, was fucking killed, and his father brooded and mourned but didn't get shit done to avoid violating his own moral code.

I don't believe in the "once you start, you don't stop" myth, because trust me, if Bruce had let Jason kill the Joker, if he'd "supported" his decision (not like "Yes, do it!" but at least "I understand, I see your point, I won't stop you.") Jason would've probably stopped killing after that. Or, maybe he'd have stuck to major drug dealers and lowlives involved in human trafficking and underage prostitution- maybe only the ones that had been in and out of Arkham for decades and didn't show any remorse.

Jason would have, 101%, become less violent, less murderous, and less scared. He would've healed.

(BTW I love the whole Under The Red Hood arc and I'm happy that things went the way they did because, as a fic writer, I have lots of fun with all the angst! I love it, wouldn't have it any other way. Just- you know, just saying what could've happened!)

[yeonjunsvape]

vampire date: hoshi pt 2

pt 1: hoshi pt 1

genre: angst, fluff, smut

w/c: 2k

pairings: vampire!hoshi, female reader

warnings: smut, angst, cursing, talks of blood

svt masterlist

hoshi is a vampire.... and now your best friend was one. how did a drunken night get so muddled?

the hangover you had was already enough to make your head pound but now the stress of this situation made it worse.

"i feel like i've been reborn, this is amazing." your friend giggles and dances around your living room while you lay on the couch. "i need to make a phone call, do not leave my house." you tell her sternly, making her pinky promise you.

you go to your room and plop on the bed, calling your mom. she was the only person you could count on in times when you felt like your heart was about to explode.

"mom... if i tell you something, promise you won't say anything." your tone was serious so she matched it, making sure not to crack her usual jokes. "did you do something illegal?" you gently laugh at her sudden reaction and sigh loudly. "there's vampires in this town."

the silence that followed made your bones chill, your mother wasn't someone who was left speechless. "i know..."

your eyes widen and sit up from your bed, "you've known???"

"yeah... it was a lot more common when i was young, i was waiting to tell you this, i actually married a vampire."

your mouth hangs open and a tear falls from your eye. "d-dads a vampire?"

"yes honey, but i'm happy he is, you have part vampire in you so you can't be compelled like normal people can."

before you can say another word a hand grabs the phone from your ear and presses 'end call'. hoshi was standing above you with an evil eye, "i told you not to let [Y/F/N] leave," his arms were crossed and you stand up, wiping a tear. "she's gone? she told me she wouldn't... i probably shouldn't have left her alone."

"minghao is out of our group now, he turned someone without our permission and violated our rules." hoshi tells you and notices your teary eyes.

"no time to cry, we need to find your friend, she's hungry." his voice was soft yet stern and he wipes your eyes with one of his thumbs. the touch made your heart warm inside and you nod, heading outside to find her.

after 2 hours of searching, the two of you find your friend at a club, dancing on the floor with drinks all around and men kissing her neck. hoshi looks at you with a relived sigh, "i'll get her, start the car."

after 10 minutes of waiting hoshi had your friend in his arms and puts her in the backseat. "she compelled every man in there to dance and make out with her, i had to redo it."

you said nothing on the ride home and hoshi notices your hands trembling from shock, resting a hand on your thigh. "want me to drive?" he asks politely but you shake your head, "we'll be there soon."

"i'm going upstairs to lay down, is she going to be okay?" hoshi nods and sits next to your friend on the couch, "i'll explain everything to her and let her know the consequences of her actions incase she hurts someone."

he opened bags of blood out of a cooler when you went upstairs so you didn't have to see your friend feed.

the marks on all the men's necks at the club lingered in your mind and you couldn't help to wonder how many people your friend turned today, and it was all your fault.

hoshi knocks at your cracked door and you allow him to enter, still cuddled in bed. "are the people my friend turned going to be okay?"

hoshi scoots you over and lays down next to you, "she didnt turn anyone into a vampire, it takes more than just biting, they would've had to drink her blood as well, they'll be fine, i erased their memories."

you just nod and think about your dad, not noticing you grabbed hoshi's hand for comfort. "i'm-uh... half vampire."

he nods and laces your fingers together, "i know, i tried compelling you and it didn't work." you cock your head up to look at him and let go of his hand. "you tried compelling me??"

he couldn't hide his laugh and shrugs, "you were the first honest person i met and it’s actually really refreshing, also you were super sexy when i saw you dancing.” his bluntness had you taken aback and you couldn’t help but laugh. “thank you i guess.” you couldn’t tell if it was a compliment or not so you just shrug your shoulders.

“it’s not a bad thing to be a vampire you know? we only turn people who we trust or if they’re dying�� we donate tons of our blood to hospitals.” hoshi could see your resentment on being a vampire so he wanted to reassure any negative thoughts about it.

“you’re right, at least i don’t thirst for blood like you do too.” you mumble and rest your head on his shoulder. “my friend is the same person, just a vampire… will i see you after she gets better?” you ask and look up at hoshi.

“of course, you’re both apart of the family now.” he chuckles and kisses your forehead gently. it was weird because you knew he was trying to be friendly but your heart skipped a beat everytime he’s nice to you.

“kiss me.” he looks into your eyes, pretending to compel you even though he knows it wont work. “are you pretending to be stupid?” you giggle when he nods his head and slowly lean in to kiss his lips.

the kiss was more passionate than any kiss you’ve experienced and hoshi pulls away after a minute. “woah… i’ve never felt like this after a kiss” you nod in agreement and kisses you again but harder, making your body jolt.

hoshi was stronger than he looks when he flips you over on your back and continues to kiss your lips.

your hand reaches down to take off his shirt, revealing his chiseled abs, making you whimper. he chuckles and kisses down your neck slowly while grinding on your crotch, nibbling on the sensitive skin. “sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, considering i’m a vampire.” he whispers with a jagged breath and you shake your head. “i liked it..”

hoshi kisses your neck again after the confirmation and you moan at his grinding. “will you bite me? i want to see how it feels.”

he pulls away and raises an eyebrow, “are you sure?” you wrap your legs around his waist and pull him closer to kiss his lips, “it would be hot.” you whisper when you pull away.

hoshi nods and continues on your neck, slowly sinking his teeth in your skin, making you flinch. “that feels amazing.” you whine out and thrust your hips up to his sensitive hard on.

he pulls away with blood dripping from his mouth and smirks, “do you want me to mark you up?” you nod fast and unbutton his pants while he takes off your shirt, exposing your breasts. “gorgeous.” he whispers and grabs them both in his hands, sinking his teeth into the right one. “fuck, i love that.”

hoshi leaves marks all the way down your body until he reaches your thighs. your pants and panties were taken off in one quick motion, your heat now exposed to him.

“so beautiful baby.” he whispers and admires your pussy glistening for him. you blush from

nervousness and he spreads your legs wide, marking your thighs with bites before running his tongue along your folds.

the sensation was stronger than you thought and everything tenses on your body, making hoshi laugh under his breath. “good girl.”

he circles his tongue around your clit slowly and flicks it while you tangle your fingers through his hair. “i really need you hoshi.” you mumble, grinding your hips on his mouth which made your wetness coat his face.

without a word he pulls away and kisses your lips deeply, spreading your legs far apart. “ready for this?” he asks when he pulls away and you nod, “i need you now.”

hoshi grabs his hard shaft and positions it to your hole, sliding in slowly with his head thrown back in pleasure. “god you’re so tight baby.”

the feeling of him entering you was the most intense sensation you’ve ever felt and you could tell he felt the same way.

his thrusts were passionate and slow at first, staring deeply in your eyes. “you feel so good around me.” he mumbles, thrusting into you harder when he heard your moans. “deeper.” was all you could muster up as the feeling was leaving you speechless.

hoshi abides, pushing as deep as he could and fucking you so fast you could hear your wetness with every thrust. “i’m already close.” he whispers and you nod, “me too baby, cum in me.”

he nods with a groan and you could feel his body shaking ontop of you, before his cum shoots inside of you.

the feeling of him filling you up made you moan loud and wrap around his dick tighter, cumming hard. “fuuuck.” you yell, scratching his arm without meaning to.

hoshi pulls out slowly and smiles, plopping on the bed next to you, “that was the best sex i’ve ever had.” you whisper breathlessly and he chuckles, “me too.”

he took less time to catch his breath and starts getting dressed, “im going to check on [Y/F/N, after i’m done we’re doing that again.” you giggle and nod, grabbing your phone while still panting.

“sorry mom, we lost connection.. i have a question, how did you accept dad being a vampire?”

“i knew he was my soulmate the first time we kissed, it felt like magic.”

you smile at your phone and blush brightly, “i think i just felt that too…”

[queermania]

I don't want to start drama and I don't expect you to respond to this but I think you deserve to know what's being said about you. tumblr. com/transfagbenny/738678589192552448/and-id-appreciate-if-we-stopped-using-the-terms

i actually am going to address this because this person has been lying about what's been going on for months and they've apparently been harassing other people for months if not years, so. it's time to put an end to this.

before i start though i want to make it abundantly clear that if you take this as an opportunity to do anything other than block this person, then you are trash. do not send him messages. do not tag him in things. do not harass him in any way. leave him alone. if you need to block, do so and then move on. hate mail and harassment is disgusting behavior and i don't want to be surrounded by anybody who engages in it. and if you do it on my behalf, i think you are worthless and i want nothing to do with you.

so, this is what happened: back in february of 2023, an anon asked me if i had any opinions that would get me canceled with the dean girlies. i replied, "oh now we’re talking!! hmmmm let’s see. i don’t care about benny at all. deanbenny does nothing for me. deanbenny is dust. it is dust. drowley rights forever" and i did not tag it because i'm not an asshole. bear then sent me a message that at the time i thought was funny/cute because his url reflected that he was obviously a huge benny fan. we had a very cordial exchange. everything was good. we chatted a little bit about how neat it would've been if benny had been played by a black actor and how the racism problem with gordon would've been fixed if gordon had been played by a white actor. not all of our conversation is visible anymore (and i also don't think all of it was on this post anyway) because i've since blocked him so his replies no longer show up on my posts. the point is: everything was fine. it was a good tumblr exchange. he continued to follow me. i did not follow him then or at any point.

the problem is that he kept coming onto my posts and into my inbox to try to make things about benny. that is not okay. i had already said that benny was a character (and deanbenny a ship) that i was not interested in. to me, this is an obvious boundary i've established that he repeatedly crossed. it's not an egregious violation, obviously. more than anything it's annoying. what he should've done, if benny was that important to him, was unfollow me and move on. but he didn't and i indulged him for awhile but at a certain point i thought, "okay maybe if i stop indulging him, he'll take the hint." so i stopped responding. he did not take the hint. he got worse and he even started commenting on things that he couldn't make about benny, just to willfully misinterpret things i said and taking them completely out of context. unfortunately, i don't have receipts for any of this because at the time i didn't know it was going to become an actual problem (however I have since learned that this is an established pattern of behavior he engages in, so you can probably find examples on other people's blogs).

it got so annoying, though, that i very carefully broached the subject in a private server with people i trusted. without naming any names or using any incriminating language (i.e. not specifically referencing benny), i basically said that there was someone being annoying about a specific character on my posts and i wasn't sure what to do about it. immediately, a handful of people replied with some variation of "the benny stan? he's been doing that to me too." i do have receipts of this (and an entire server to back me up) but i hope you can all understand why i'm not going to provide those or name names (or ask anyone to get involved publicly). the point is, it became apparent that i wasn't the only one and this was a pattern of behavior. i also learned during that conversation that bear has a history of harassing people and calling someone racist or a transphobe if they block him.

at that point, i decided not to rock the boat. i would just continue to ignore him and maybe he would get bored and move on. well that obviously didn't happen. he kept doing it and as a fun added bonus, he started to make vague posts about me. the thing is i don't actually care if he vagueblogs about me. it's his blog. he can do whatever he wants. it's none of my business. i mean i personally think he should've just unfollowed but, again, his blog, his choice. it is annoying that every single time he would do it, someone would send me a link or a screenshot of him doing it, but that's not really his fault. so, again, i just ignored it.

this is where we get to the incident in question. after a private discussion among a small group of friends, i posted this obviously joke poll at the insistence of @letterstothedevil, a tumblr user who has given me permission to include her in this.

the original message about the poll:

the permission:

now EYE think it's abundantly clear that the poll was a joke amongst friends, but maybe it wasn't, and i'm not going to fault anyone for not magically knowing that. i am, however, totally willing to fault someone for being a gigantic asshole. bear commented on the post and i, admittedly, gave a somewhat dismissive response because at that point i was so tired of him being willfully obtuse and twisting every little thing i said that i just didn't want to bother. he then went and made a series of not-at-all-vague posts calling me racist and claiming that i simply do not care about the racism in the show and it's obvious because i've never ever discussed it on my blog (which is a hilarious lie given that i'd specifically discussed it on my blog with him). at that point, there was no reason not to block him. he was already doing the thing that i didn't want to deal with. so i did. and i thought that would be the end of it.

again, i was wrong.

i then started to get anon messages daily about benny and deanbenny and how i'm racist for not liking benny, etc. this was harassment that EYE was on the receiving end of. nobody else was a victim of the messages i was being sent. they were sent to me and it is not my job to make sure other people are protected from the harassment that i am experiencing. i'm pointing this out for two reasons: 1. because i did try to protect bear from it for awhile anyway. i knew that people would assume it was him and at the time i was still giving him the benefit of the doubt, if for no other reason than the fact that i didn't think he could send me messages since i blocked him. and 2. because when i did finally start to respond to some of the messages, bear acted like he was somehow the victim in all of this (and continues to act that way to this day).

i don't know if bear had (or currently has) anything to do with any of the messages i get (which, thankfully, have slowed considerably). what i do know is that at no point during any of this happening did he stop looking at my blog and vagueblogging about me.

when i finally did answer a few of the messages, bear had a bit of a meltdown about it. i know this because he used a separate account that i hadn't know existed to message me and because he talked to one of my friends about it. (i'm not going to name that person but if they want to get involved publicly of their own accord, that's up to them lol). i'm also not going to share screenshots of what bear said to me because he explicitly asked me not to (it's also the reason i'm not sharing screenshots of the numerous receipts i have of the things he's said and lied about on his blog but, unless he's deleted any of them, you can go and find the posts yourselves.) what i am going to share is that in the message he sent to me, he flat out lied about his behavior. he told me he hadn't been vague-blogging about me, that he would never ever do that about anyone, and that he would certainly never harass someone (all things that i have receipts of him doing).

it took me awhile to respond to this message because i was still trying to be gracious about the whole situation. i recognize that he is much younger than i am and i think it's important for me, as a full blown adult, to take that into account. i had a private discussion with a few trusted friends about how to handle this because it was important to me to not let him off the hook for his behavior and for lying just because he's young. this is what i ended up saying:

his response was to double-down on his lies (while, hilariously, vague-blogging about me and the whole thing) and then go into victim mode about something so completely unrelated and far-fetched that i decided i simply wanted nothing to do with him ever. (this is when he asked me not to share screenshots, so i won't, but this is me saying that i have ALL of the receipts, bear, so if you continue to lie, you will not like what happens.) i blocked his alternate account and tried to ignore him.

the harassment continued. again, i have no idea if he was actually part of it. the vagueblogging continued. he started to do it to other people he associated with me. many of them blocked him because of his behavior. i continued to answer some of the hate i received, continued to ignore and/or block most of it. it got so bad that i was sent seizure bait on more than one occasion, one time bad enough that i actually ended up going to the ER. there are receipts of all of this, too. you can see on my blog the messages i've been sent. i think at one point i even shared a snapshot of what my inbox looked like. i've shared privately with friends (who can confirm if they want to, but no pressure) screenshots of the kinds of messages i get that i don't respond to. the point is, that for a period of months, i was relentlessly harassed. and at no point during this time did i say anything to or about bear (or anyone else). the most i've done is respond to messages that have been sent to me. i've largely sat quietly while this thing happened to me and bear continued to make posts about me and act like he is somehow a victim in this. he's assumed things about me and my identity. he's violated boundaries i've set. he will not let this go. and i'm not the only one he's doing it to.

i'm so fucking tired of it. leave me alone. leave my blog alone. leave my friends alone. leave any and all of the people who have blocked you for your own inappropriate and obnoxious behavior alone. that's it. that's the end. none of this would be happening if you would just respect other people's boundaries. i don't want you on my blog. i do not want to interact with you. i don't want anything to do with you. that's it. the end.

[iwoulddieforher]

Liebmichallee | Alex Cabot × Casey Novak

heavy warnings for discussions of suicide and drug use !! HEAVY WARNING !! also, as a side note, I as an author do not personally believe that suicide is selfish. But Casey has existing dialogue in the show where she implies she thinks so, so. that's what she says

Summary: Casey shows up at Alex's house a week after being brought before the Bar and God ... she is a mess

A/N: Short, unedited, unbeta-read. Not counting this as an official work because it wasn't intended to be published (I don't like it very much) but people responding said I should, so ...

Ficlet is written essentially entirely from Alex's perspective, intentionally, you're not supposed to know what's going on with Casey except for the degree Alex is aware of.

Written in continuation to That's A Damn Shame, so it makes sense to read that fic first ... but you don't need too. Context: Homicide Bureau Chief Alex & SVU ADA Casey (Alex engaged to Robert Stilton, like she is in Conviction)

Casey Novak knew more about her than potentially anyone else had or ever would have, with the possible exception of Olivia Benson. But Olivia wasn't the one Alex kept seeking out, kept spending long hours staring at from the couch in Casey's office that Alex had claimed as her designated spot for whenever she wasn't actively working.

Casey Novak had saved her life, saved her glory, saved her dignity. Witness protection had made Alex meek and humbled, Casey Novak and her ferocity and the odd thrum of her heart in her chest as she had watched the redhead tie the verbal noose around her would-have-been assassin had made her regain that innate sense of being above it all in a way she knew no one else would've been able to do.

Casey Novak had mottled brown-and-blonde hair, and she had recently begun wearing it in large, loose curls that swayed as she sauntered from room to room in her heels and tailored slacks. Her features were angular yet simultaneously so delicate and gentle that Alex couldn't help but allow her to burn herself into the dark behind Alex's eyelids-

Alexandra Cabot thought of Casey Novak perhaps a bit more than she should. She was her favorite confidant, though, the term they had finally settled on that did not at all manage to capture the extent to which she valued Casey.

Casey Novak was currently standing dazed on her doorstep, head bowed, her green eyes, as they stared aimlessly somewhere near Alex's face, so dull and haunted it was terrifying.

Alex wasted no time crossing the boundary of the door and wrapping the younger woman in her arms, a vague idea what was wrong- Casey had been called before the bar, she had heard that through the gossip thrum, and although she had stopped by her office to see how she was doing the only thing she had found were workers beginning to prep the space for someone else. It made her sick, and she had called, but Casey at that time hadn't answered.

And- that was now nearly a week ago.

She had kept telling herself Casey was not obligated to reach out to her, to tell her her plans, how she would move forward. She did not have to tell her where she was, nor how she was doing. She knew the woman was a hothead and reckless at times- not that she thought at all what had happened was acceptable, she felt outrage trickling in her throat like hot sand, it was her first real violation and the threats that had been made were so severe - this was hard to grapple with. If it was hard for her to grapple with, it must be impossible for Casey.

Perhaps that was why Casey was in her embrace now, limp arms hanging by her sides, covered only by a thin blouse- where was her coat, her scarf? Where had she come from dressed like this? Casey didn't live near her, but Alex knew she didn't like to ride share and a quick glance didn't notify the presence of her bike. Regardless, Alex wanted to get her inside, and from the way Casey was unmoving, she thought it would be an easy task to do.

Evidently, it was not. The second Alex pulled her body into her's, expecting a stiff hug and then the ability to usher her over the doorframe, Casey's legs gave out with just enough time for the younger woman to snag her hands up and around Alex's shoulder so she didn't fall to her knees on the elder woman's doorstep.

"Casey-?" Alex hushed into her ear, trying to check Casey's wellbeing, but it was difficult with a woman the same size and around the same build as her hanging loosely off of her body. The grip Casey had on her shoulders was an indication of consciousness to some degree, an unwillingness to find herself on the floor, but other than that the younger woman did not respond.

"Who was it?" Came the voice of her fiance behind her and Alex jolted, forgetting for a moment that he was here. They had been eating an excessively late dinner moments prior, before the doorbell rang, and she had assumed with a sigh she was being served or perhaps that Olivia was having a rough case.

She didn't answer him, trying to hold Casey up, trying to shake some form of responsiveness back into the woman's shoulders, which Casey still did not respond too, although with shuddering legs she found her feet again. It made it worse, Casey burying her face awkwardly into Alex's collar in a way in which Alex felt like she was going to be toppled over. Fluid met Alex's skin and she wasn't sure if Casey's nose was running or if she was crying and she couldn't check without letting her go, which she wasn't sure she could do.

"Alexandra?" Stilton called again, and with a small curse muffled in Casey's hair she managed to turn around, slightly, to call back, "Hold on a moment."

She wanted Casey inside, now. Whatever was making her so distraught could be dealt with once Casey was safely inside and when her shoulderblades felt a little less like Casey was about to tear them off. It hurt, but she wouldn't dare try to pull the woman off of her.

"Casey," Alex inhaled and swiveled her head back to face her, pressing a chast kiss on the top of faux blonde locks, "Can you come inside?"

A slow, shaky exhale was all that was elicited into Alex's simple shirt and she sighed, eyes darting around, before pursing her lips and shaking her head. With a furrowed brow, she pressed her nose softly against the woman's bowed head, inhaling the scent of sandalwood and something tarrish. Cigarettes, she recognized, and perhaps something hard like rum lingered on her shallow breath. So, intoxicated, then. It simultaneously made her relax that she could identify some sort of cause and more concerned, because Casey wasn't a smoker, and she never drank herself into a tizzy like this either.

"I'm so sorry, Case, I'm not strong enough to carry you. Help me take you inside, please?"

She felt Casey swallow and struggle, the force of her lean beginning to decrease as she focused on righting herself. Thank god, Alex thought vaguely, but she did not loosen her hold.

"What's happening?" Robert neared the door self-importantly, straightening his tie, and Alex hissed inwardly. She had Casey as a priority, she didn't want to deal with that one right now. She coaxed Casey to stay against her when she felt the younger woman try to pull away, startled by the presence of another, one of Alex's hands raising to cup the back of Casey's skull and keep her face buried against her throat. She knew Casey liked being there, on one of their more haphazardly heady nights Casey had ever dared to murmur it felt like her head was made to fit just there, and in this moment Alex agreed. Casey's struggle to flee to confines of Alex's embrace weakened just as Alex had expected it too- but that only meant the way she was shivering was not advertent.

"I'm not sure." She muttered curtly, her voice a thin line that carried a note of warning, feeling the shake of Casey's form against her. With increasing urgency she resolved out loud to her soon-to-be husband, "But something's wrong and I'm going to take care of her."

Robert raised an eyebrow, which Alex only saw when she twisted her neck back around to face him, and he seemed slightly off guard with the intensity in her clear blue eyes.

"She doesn't look well," he commented with a wrinkle of his nose that made Alex see red for a quarter second, 'll call for an ambulance."

He said this as though it was an offer, like he was doing her a favor, although it was not really an offer so much as a poorly concealed statement. He didn't want his lover to be occupied with whatever wreck of a woman had showed up on his doorstep.

Casey's sudden movement to tug away was as sharp as the harsh, "No," that snapped from Alex's lips. Robert looked taken aback and she could not find it in herself to care, rather, only the growing desire to lash out again. Alex knew Casey couldn't stand hospitals, got nauseous at the smell of disinfectant, and she would not let her be forced to the confines of those walls she hated when Alex could take care of her perfectly well right here.

"Alexandra," Robert tried to implore, and Alex felt her lip curl at the name. He never accepted to calling her the name that felt natural, the shortening to 'Alex', he always addressed her in the same way that her uncle and her superiors did.

"You take enough work home as it is. I know you're trying to volunteer with that domestic abuse shelter but you can't just let some-"

"Get out." Alex snapped, again, feeling Casey push against her ribs and only tightening her hold, offering a stroke of her thumb against the back of Casey's hair to console her, to reassure her, while she dealt with the issue.

"Alexandra." He said firmly, and she raised her eyebrows as if bewildered by his audacity, "You want me to leave our home because some vagabond showed up-"

Oh, she realized internally, he doesn't know who she is. She didn't know why she had expected Robert to know intrinsically, because she had never introduced them, and perhaps she had done that intentionally because she wasn't particularly fond of the idea of the man she spent the majority of her time with standing next to the woman she wanted to spend the majority of her time with. Having them meet like this was not ideal and although he did not recognize her by appearance she knew from the way she mentioned a specific name a bit too often he would recognize her by name if Alex called her that, so she just gritted her teeth awkwardly.

"You act like you don't own other properties," she murmured, softening Casey's squirm with another reassuring squeeze, running the pads of her fingertips through curls in the process of falling out, "You have other places to be."

"I can go," Casey rasped, suddenly, breaking the harsh stare being exchanged by the couple, looking up at Alex with haunted eyes. Alex's heart clenched at the tone of her voice- it seemed gravelly, like she hadn't used it in months, thick with apparent anguish.

Alex craned her neck backwards slightly so Casey could see more of her face when she shook her head, eyes softening immediately the second they fell on her instead of her fiance. She couldn't remove the hand on Casey's back that seemed to be more able to keep Casey upright than the younger woman's own legs, so she hand that was nestled in her hair moved away to cup her face instead, her thumb drawing small lines on her cheekbone.

"No, sweetheart, I don't want you too. I want you to stay here with me, he can go. Can you help me get you inside? You're freezing out here."

"Alexandra," Stilton tried again, his voice like a confused growl, but Alex only kept her eyes on Casey's face, the green glassy eyes rimmed with purple, and snarled under her breath back at him defiantly.

"Alexandra?"

"Just go to the brownstone, okay?" Alex sighed dismissively, "I'll call you in an hour or two."

With a bewildered glare he left to go pull on his coat and lace up his shoes, and Alex returned to coaxing Casey, who returned to being nonverbal. Stilton returned despite her obvious impatience, pressing a forced goodbye kiss to her cheek and then finally leaving, brushing past the bundle of contracted limbs that was Alex and Casey before climbing into his luxury car and vanishing into the night.

"He won't bother you, Case, it's okay, talk to me." Alex hushed, pressing a kiss to the top of Casey's hairline the second Richard was out of view, but Casey was fading back out.

"Let me get you inside," Alex tried instead, starting to grow cold herself on the front steps, having not put on a jacket when she went to go open the door because- well, why would she? She hadn't expected this at all.

She had not expected the person on her doorstep to be Casey, and she had never thought to see Casey in such a state either- a state that was getting worse, because Casey seemed to be dissolving back into her inability to stand once more.

"Casey- god, please, you're scaring me," She whispered, finally, as Casey's knees seemed to buckle beneath her and her hands, this time, didn't manage to grip at Alex's shoulders properly. Alex cursed, momentarily, that she never accepted Olivia's offer to go to the gym with her. That she never toyed with Casey's offer to attempt softball. If she had, maybe she'd be strong enough that Casey wouldn't need to fight to remain vertical right now.

It felt like her words were registered, though, because a second later Casey's eyebrows contorted with effort and she struggled to up and let go- Alex hadn't meant that she needed to let go, she hadn't wanted her too, but whatever- and she allowed Alex to coax her inside. Alex closed the door behind her firmly, and then ushered her over to the couch, which Casey barely made it too before she faltered, hands gripping the armrest with too much vigor until she managed to hit the leather face-first.

"Casey," Alex murmured, trying to help her flip over so she wouldn't suffocate, "fireball, what happened?"

"Not much of a fireball," Casey hushed, her tone low and as though she was mocking herself, but with a squirm and managed to pull herself in a sitting position, hunched back on the couch as Alex stood over her.

Alex swallowed, tasting wary concern budding in her mouth. She thought maybe Casey was just overcome by sorrow and perhaps a glass too much vodka, and that once she got her inside and someplace more lax she'd be different, but Casey was really, really fucked.

"You took something," Alex realized out loud, watching Casey's inhale-exhale pattern plateau at a rate much too high, as if she were panting despite exerting no force, and Casey looked completely disgusted with herself, shrinking away from the concern in the blue eyes.

As the blonde's eyes scrutinized her features, she realized it was worse, her face was flushed and her eyes rimmed with purple from exhaustion and red from crying, her skin paled and blue-tinted as if sickly. She was panting and her body was shivering, and Alex hoped bitterly it was residual from being out cold on the street and not from something worse.

How long had she been on the street? How long had she been like this? And when Casey looked up at her with pupils drawn into small dots Alex cursed under her breath, a shaky hand moving to touch Casey's clammy skin. How long had she-

Oh, oh god. Oh god. Alex recognized that look in her eyes, the pinpoint pupils, the air surrounding her. She didn't like at all where she knew it from.

"An opioid? Jesus, Casey, you've- no one has gotten a hold on you for a week, is this what you've been-?"

"Please don't call anyone," Casey muttered suddenly, "please don't report this, I- he said if, he- if no hospital, then I needed to go to... someone that, because he said he ..."

Fuck, Alex thought, and then tried to find the silver lining in at least Casey hadn't tried to speak much in front of Robert, because they'd be having a much bigger problem then. She felt guilty that was her immediate thought.

"As long as you stay conscious," Alex muttered, her voice dark, running a hand along Casey's jaw, instinctively dropping to her knees, "as long as you stay conscious, I won't call anyone."

"Then ... I'll do my best, to stay awake," Casey slurred, and it sounded like she was making a half-hearted joke, so it didn't call the bundle of fear growing and aching in Alex's heart.

She was speaking slowly, a lot slower than she had been when she stammered, as if she realized her broken sentences were concerning Alex and she was taking special care in each long, drawn out word, so Alex would have the benefit of a coherent statement.

Casey made no move to stop Alex as she rolled her sleeves tentatively up, and when her inner elbow was exposed Alex didn't even stop herself from letting startled tears fall from her face and marr her glasses. She was bruised, pinpricks of red surrounded by larger stains of purple, as though the person who had shot her up was already high- or as though she had tried to shoot up more despite already being high. Perhaps both.

"Fuck, Casey." Alex grimaced, "Why the hell would you- did you not think that I'd..."

Novak blinked, once, as if trying to clear her head, before offering in a low, hopeless hum. "I didn't think ... I'd see you again."

"What are you saying?" Alex bit, incredulousness seeping into her tone, "You thought I'd- what, that you being suspended would- do you think I'm that shallow?"

"No, Alex."

Alex was then scared, and she didn't want Casey to continue, because she realized what she was about to say, and she didn't think she could stand to hear it.

"I didn't think I'd ..." She paused, briefly, and then shook her head. "I wasn't going to see anyone again."

There was a heartbeat, or maybe a lot of them, where the only thing that broke the loud silence was the sound of Casey's soft exhale and Alex swallowing, staring at her blankly. There was no way she meant that. Alex was certainly jumping to conclusions- wasn't she? There was no way that Casey meant that, that she had been planning, that she was going to ...

And then Alex was crying, and Casey wasn't, so it felt like a pretty stupid thing to do, but she couldn't help the loose sobs wracking her body as she thought about what Casey had just implied. Numbly, she realized she had set her face down on Casey's knee, and shaky hands were trying to cradle her face. She pushed Casey's arms away- she couldn't handle being held like that, not right now.

"I shouldn't have told you that; I'm sorry." Casey murmured, holding her hands up in the air by her sides as if she didn't know what to do with them if she wasn't allowed to comfort the woman crying on her knee.

"Who did this to you?" Alex snapped instead, righting herself back up and standing, flinging her glasses to the side so haphazardly they probably broke, but she couldn't care less as she rubbed her eyes and clawed the evidence of her own anguish off her face. "Who gave you- what the hell did you even take?"

Casey stayed silent, looking up at her from the couch with clouded jade eyes, and Alex was unsure if she was processing the question or having an internal dialogue about it.

Alex knew she probably seemed ticked off right now as she began pacing, and that was a shitty thing to do when someone comes to you for comfort, but the idea Casey had chosen to submerge herself in chemicals and- and God forbid, that- instead of coming to her first hurt.

Had she not done enough so that Casey would know she'd- but no, perhaps not, perhaps this was partially her own fault for- no, but- God, this was horrible, and she wasn't equipped to handle this at all. But she both couldn't and didn't want Casey to be anywhere else than right there on her couch so she could have some tattered image of control.

"Did you seek it out?" Alex asked instead, trying to calm herself, sinking back down to her knees just to the side of where Casey was, and at the very least she was relieved when Casey shook her head 'no'.

"How, Casey?"

"I was ..." And Casey averted her eyes, but if Alex was directly asking like this, it seemed like she couldn't deny her the information. "A man- his name, it was something like, his last name sounded like a plant ... I think it- it doesn't matter. He said if- if I really was going to jump, then I might as well ... he might as well show me how good life can feel, first."

"And you've spent a week with this man?" Alex's voice was so low, so quiet, she could barely hear it. A week in which Casey did not return her messages, a week in which she was shooting up and letting herself be miserable while Alex would've broken the bounds of the earth to ensure her safety. Why hadn't Casey just come to her the night of? Tear-streaked face but no wounds, nothing in her system other than perhaps a misery-ridden beer, shaking but entirely from emotion and nothing else. Alex would've thrown her fiance out the same way and held her until she felt-

but perhaps Alex wouldn't have been able to fix it, actually. Maybe Alex couldn't have done anything to help her.

She didn't like that realization at all.

Casey only shrugged, closing her eyes as if pained, while Alex began to panic internally.

"I'm sorry, Casey." She murmured, running a shaky hand through her blonde hair, "I shouldn't- I don't want you to think that I'm angry."

But she was angry, and she was trying not to be at Casey, but this conversation was making her skin feel as though it was crawling off of her like fleshy spiders and the energy that feeling generated had to be directed somewhere. She focused on clenching her jaw, on the feeling of her teeth pressed against each other.

Her mind was concocting images of the woman before her standing numbly on a ledge on some building looking down and not hesitating, ready to leave her behind. The blonde hair Alex had ran her fingers through whipping around her face, the green eyes that had always studied Alex so intently seemingly vacant. It made her feel as though she were about to vomit. Casey could not leave her in that way.

A shudder ran up her spine and she settled back on the couch, this time sitting parallel to Casey, who was not meeting her eyes.

She swallowed. There were too many questions, too many thoughts, too much to verbalize, too much emotion to process. She gently grasped for Casey and tugged her until the faux blonde woman's head was resting on her shoulder, which Casey made no move to change, and then sat there quietly.

"I'm sorry," Casey offered quietly, her voice thick and still slurred.

"I just want you to be okay," Alex hushed, "I just want you to never, ever think about doing this again."

Casey was wordless, silent and still. If it wasn't for the exhale that Alex could feel with the younger woman leaning against her side, Casey could've been dead right then.

"I don't think I could handle it," Alex spoke to fill the silence, spoke to try to clear the growing gnaw of her anxious brain, "If I found out you were gone, if- God, Casey, I work for homicide, I'd need too ..."

"I wasn't in your district," Casey rasped, and Alex began to cry again, but this time it was silent. Tears rolled like large pearls down her face and she did nothing to stop it, blinking down at the coffee table and trying not to imagine a world without a fireball redhead pulling stupid stunts like trying to sue the military. She always seemed to brazen, so harsh, so reflective of life and the burning energy of the sun. What the hell was Alex supposed to do with the information the sun that was currently resting on her shoulder was trying to set, and never rise again?

"That's worse," was all Alex could manage as a response. "I would've found out from someone else, then."

"You don't have to tell me suicide is selfish, Alex, I know it is."

Her voice was stronger now, in the sense her formation of words was stable and more firm, more cohesive, despite still being thick and heavy and husked. Sentences she planned were now steady. Alex wanted to grimace at the word being used in its full regard- they weren't going to continue avoiding the elephant, evidently- but she couldn't find the strength to do so. She just stared blankly ahead of her and tried to breathe evenly.

Alex had mused to herself before, as did most others, that suicide was the easy way out. It damaged the people around an individual who was in pain, and there was always an end to pain, even if one didn't believe there would be, one just needed to wait it out. A person could recover from mental illness but a family can't recover from the death of a loved one. Suicide, in her mind, was a tragedy and a waste. But she'd never think to call Casey selfish, or think about her in that way at all- it felt wrong, and Alex could never consider Casey a selfish person.

"Why?" She murmured hoarsely, folding her hands in her lap and staring at the fingers interlocking her own, feeling Casey's gaze shift to them as well.

"Everything is so hard, ... so pointless." Casey muttered bitterly, an edge to her tone that wasn't present before. Alex wanted to believe it was the drug talking, but Casey seemed more sober than she had before.

"I use to, I- I could delude myself into thinking I was strong, or ... capable enough to defend others from how from how existence feels, from living feels, from- from this."

She gestured at herself as if her own existence was evidence to the doomed nature of life, the needle marks in her arms and the bags under her eyes, the scrapes sitting or laying on floors must have caused that Alex hadn't noticed until that point. The usual prim posture and fiery aura was diminished entirely- if her eyes, simmered as they were, were not that shade of green, Alex would've written her off as someone else based on the sense of presence alone.

"But I'm not." She scoffed, disgust blossoming on her tongue that was entirely self directed, "A cop killer and a rapist walked and there's no one to blame but me. My licence is under scrutiny, and I-"

"You're going to get it back, Casey, three years isn't..."

"I wish it had just been revoked." Casey spat, shifting her head off of Alex's shoulder, and Alex missed the feeling the second she left. Casey seemed anguished rather than angry, a sense of strange urgency in her tone as she spoke, and Alex knew she wouldn't be able to cut her off again.

"I'm- ... a failure in every regard." She bit, jabs only at herself, and Alex felt the tears bubble behind her eyes again. She didn't realize she had stopped crying until the burn and sting of liquid falling from her face was once again registered.

"I know that ... all I am is disgrace to the practice of law- if not, if not- ... I'll never be able to step foot in a courtroom again, thinking- deluding- that I could, that I can- I can't protect anyone. And I wasted my life being naive and reckless, thinking I could- I don't know. Thinking I could ever make a difference."

Alex swallowed and shook her head, feeling her eyebrows furrow as she turned to face Casey despairingly, imploringly, as though begging her to see reason.

"So you're going to waste your life by- by rooftops and heroin?" She swallowed again, feeling her mouth dry, because she couldn't bolster the energy to form a rebuttal for every self-deprecation Casey had just uttered, and it seemed like the faux blonde wouldn't be at all perceptive to that, anyway. Not with this dead, void-like tone she was using, as though the energy of life had since already been poured out.

"Diladuid." Casey corrected, a mirthless chuckle, her eyes flickering back to the sleeve Alex had rolled up, the red and purple devastations left by her bender, and she grimaced before reaching to tug the fabric back down.

"and- it looks that way, doesn't it?"

Casey opened her mouth to continue Alex couldn't stop herself from yanking Casey's head into her collar, gripping the sides of her face so tightly she was sure it must hurt, and Casey fell awkwardly forward into her.

"Stop," She choked, "Stop."

She couldn't stop her brain from generating unhelpful images of Casey falling, faux CCTV footage of her woman plummetting the way Alex had seen in videos of other jumpers she'd had to review to rule out homicide. Her brain kept freezing right before the impact, then starting from the top again, Casey'd body stuck in a loop of falling as Alex's anxiety mounted.

But Casey didn't stop, though. "I knew from the start- that job could only, could only ever break me," she muttered, rambling as though she could halt the words tumbling hazardous from her mouth, even as Alex's hand grappled to force her jaw shut, "I told Branch- I told him, the second after that little girl in the ice chest, I knew- I knew I wasn't, I would- I'd fuck it all up and I did, and I don't deserve to live after my stupidity-"

"No," Alex said forcefully, a heaved sob, and Casey finally shut her mouth. Alex had never had to raise her tone at her before, Casey had always been eager to please by hushing on request.

"I, I don't-" Alex tried desperately to spit words she couldn't find, nothing formulating inside of her head other that same frantic energy consuming her body, struggling to crush Casey's frame against her own as if merging their skin would ensure Casey would stay. "I can't-"

She couldn't have a panic attack, not right now, but she couldn't breathe properly, mind consumed with images of Casey's face photoshopped on the body of jumpers she'd dealt with before. She had known victims that had commit suicide, occasionally a perpetrator had commit in or out of lock up too. It was real and it had made her go crazy with grief then- her mind flashed back to a boy comatose in a hospital and a mother's spittle aimed at her as she screamed- what the hell was she supposed to do now?

Casey with her skull cracked open, jade eyes unseeing, staring at her with only vacancy behind them. Casey's lips parted slightly, the side of her face ripped open from the impact on rough concrete, or maybe a car. Alex couldn't breathe, couldn't gasp no matter how hard she tried, and she wasn't sure if she was still crying, she wasn't sure about anything about herself anymore because the only thing she was focusing on was the feeling of Casey's body pressing into the side of her's.

After Casey's first attempt to hold her had been snubbed, she hadn't tried again to hold Alex, and now she was simply resting herself loosely as Alex tried her best to wrangle the younger woman into her, begging for the contact of fabric on fabric wherever possibly, resting her chin on Casey's hairline so she couldn't see her face.

"I'm sorry," Alex's body was wracked with tremors, "I'm so sorry, but please don't leave me. Don't do this to me, Casey, I need you."

Casey said nothing, and did nothing. The indication she was alive was the quickened rise and fall of her chest Alex could feel with her torso pressed against her own- in Alex's panicked wrestling, She had ended up barely sitting, Casey sprawled out across her body, Casey's hips between Alex's thighs.

"Don't ever try that again," Alex tried instead, "Never, ever. I'll- I'll," but she didn't know how to argue Casey into the will to live, couldn't threaten her into staying, but God she really wanted to try too.

But she must be hurting her, or at the very least suffocating her, so she released the clawed grip she had, and was mildly content when Casey only shifting her head to the side so she could breathe and otherwise kept herself flush against Alex's form.

Alex couldn't stop her chest from heaving, could only stop the shivers when she cupped Casey's jaw in her hands, thumb on her neck, and focused on the feeling of her pulse faintly thrumming underneath her skin.

"But you're still here," She murmured, wiping at her own face with more vigor than she initially intended too, bartering, "You're still here."

"When, when he got- he got called back in to work, and I- he told me, I could decide between the hospital or- or someone I trusted when he realized how- ... fucked I was. He knew better than to leave me alone."

"And you trust me," Alex advantaged herself with that, desperately clinging onto that like a lifeline, something to hold herself stable with, "You trust me. Trusted to come here. Trust me to foster you back, Casey, this isn't you, this isn't how you are. This isn't who you are."

Casey did not respond.

Alex calmed down enough to realize the front of her shirt was soaked through- the younger woman was crying, had been crying.

"I'm sorry," Casey's voice said faintly into her body, "I ... I hate that I'm hurting you."

"Hurt me," Alex whispered, her voice raw and hoarse, and it sounded like a demand. She found Casey's hand and intertwined their fingers, "Anything, you can do anything with me, but please just stay."

[carmesi-butterfly]

twitter

nishimura riki + fem! reader. word count 1,5k. not idols au/school au. warnings stalking (?) this one-shot is probably the most unserious thing i've ever written. not proofread.

"i checked your twitter account," said riki, trying to maintain a serious face and failing miserably, a few giggles came out of his mouth while he attempted to act normal.

"eh? that's not possible, my account is private" you looked at him with confusion, trying to decipher his weird laugh.

your twitter account has been a recurrent topic since both became friends, first of all because; who doesn't have twitter? it was the diary of the new generations, most of the teenagers had a profile in there! of course, you were one of them, but the way that you treated your account like confidential information made the japanese boy pretty suspicious.

it was a private account with no more than 15 followers, most of them probably were internet friends because it wasn't a novelty that you were not social by any means, on the contrary, you could be considered a loner, because of that, the apparent "state secret" hiding in your profile made ni-ki more than curious about what you could be secreting.

"i don't want you to get mad at me" pleaded, following that he proceeded to show you an interesting account that you knew well.

a profile named 'riri', with one of those famous headers with silly quotes you can find on pinterest and as an icon an orange cat with the emoji ☝️ referring to the recent meme that became viral, to finalize the bio was decorated with the phrase 'proud hater'. you got a request from that account just a few weeks ago, it followed most of the people you followed so it wasn't any suspicious to you, besides that's how you made a few of your friends! Following or being followed by oomfs of your oomfs, that's how social media works.

"that's you?" your voice raised annoyed and nervous, "you used that account to stalk me?!" with anger, you got up from your seat on the school rooftop.

"i wanted to know why you're hiding things from me!" his tone matched yours, being not loud enough to be heard by the other students who navigated through the school.

"if i hide things from you there's a reason!" your mood escalated from there, not only did your anger grow bigger but an immense urge to cry hit you.

“i-i know… I’m sorry y/n, i thought it would be something stupid, not that you like me”

riki brings your biggest secret into the conversation without any filter, dropping it like a not-warned bomb that fell into you and unloaded the last level of emotions you were hiding on a facade of pure rage.

now everything made sense, his giggly laugh without a reason while looking at you, the weird things he said that seemed like an inner joke you could not understand, the weird “i know your secret” he released randomly in your conversations... you thought it was all a joke! it's nishimura riki that we’re talking about. He enjoys pranking and tends to do and say weird stuff, it could be a completely normal behavior for him, but no, this time it wasn't.

“why did you think doing this was a good idea?” you claimed, hiding your face between the palms of your hands while a few tears slid down your face.

“sunoo once said that he knows you like me, so heeseung gave me the idea of stalking your accounts for any signal but your accounts are private… so he helped me by making a stalking account, i know it was wrong. i'm sorry, please don't cry” he begged after confessing everything, trying to get near you therefore he could calm you at least a little bit.

“sunoo and heeseung know?!” you blurted, your eyes opened as if you were trying to imitate an owl’s gaze, and your hands transitioned from covering your face to holding it, any similarity with ‘the scream’ by edvard munch is just a coincidence.

“the whole group knows” announced, opening the hell gates with a simple phrase.

“riki are you kidding me?! i don't care that you know even if you violated my privacy, because i would've told you sooner or later, but your friends?! how humiliating, i’m never coming to school again” and the catharsis started, a big flow of verbal vomit came out of your mouth going from ‘they're probably making fun of me right now’ to ‘i’m gonna delete all my social media and never use my phone again’ all of this accompanied by fat tears.

the poor boy felt hopeless, watching you practically going insane in front of him without knowing what to do to help you, or more reasonably: how to amend his mistake. luckily for him, his guardian angels appeared in the scene to help him, hiding behind the door of the rooftop heeseung (the one responsible for this mess) and jungwon (a heart warmed soul who wanted to help his friend) were hiding, their faces full of horror admiring the scene that was unloading in front of them. what happens next is worthy of a comedic movie. His friends started a physical and exaggerated demonstration of how he should calm you, hugging each other and emphasizing comfort acts such as back patting and forehead kissing. ni-ki would've burst out laughing if it wasn't for you crying like a baby.

“please don't cry, i’m sorry, you can beat me all you want if it makes you feel better” proposed completely seriously, while slowly without trying to upset you more he got closer, searching to imitate the “comforting” hug he saw his friends do, let's not lie… it was a bit awkward, but he tried and that's okay.

gradually you ended up relinquishing the embrace, starting by clinging to him delicately and finishing by squeezing his torso the strongest you could.

“beating you is not enough, i need you to die” your voice came out weird because of the amount of strength you were applying to the “hug”, but despite that, your head relied on his chest.

“you will suffer a lot without me!” a small laugh flew out of his mouth, refreshing the conversation. “are you still mad at me?” the nishimura looked down, searching for your face and any kind of reaction from it.

“yes” your response was cut and short, it could've worried your crush if it wasn't for the water dripping off your nose because of all the crying.

“u-uhm, i have something to tell you, maybe this will help you feel better” his heart started to beat faster and you could feel it through the hug, he cleared his throat in a way of trying to shake the nerves out, “the reason i did all of this stupid plan was that… i had hopes that you talked about me there, uhm…” a small pause to take a big breath after the confession interrupted the moment, but he quickly picked up the conversation, “my friends encouraged me to confess, specially sunoo, you know that he has a sixth sense with gossip” joked.

“you're telling me that… you did all of this because you like me?” you asked dumbfounded, the question got him more embarrassed than he already was, why did it make him sound so stupid?

he nodded, ignoring your attempt at visual contact while trying to hold back his smile. “then, do you feel better now?”

“no” denied, “but i know what can make me feel better” and after saying that, a naughty smile appeared on your face.

“what? i will buy you a lot of food from the cafeteria if that's what you want-”

his phrase got interrupted by you, who continued speaking, “do you remember… when i found that folder on your phone that had a ton of pictures of you trying to fake your muscles? how would you feel if i told your friends about it?” ni-ki’s smile disappeared instantly, now his face reflected nothing more than true terror.

in a matter of seconds, your bodies separated and you started running to the rooftop door. riki knew what you were trying to do, getting into the school, searching for his friends, and revealing his shameful secret! this can't be, but after being a bad friend things were not on his side, he tried following you the fast as he could but forgot a small detail, his friends hiding behind the gate. as soon as you got to the exit the spot where the two boys were hiding got exposed and both seemed nervous about that, but you couldn't care less.

“hi, guys! it's so nice to see you, i have something amazing to tell you!” your acting, so giggly and happy relaxed jungwon and heeseung who were scared of being scolded for spying. “did you know that riki-”

at that exact moment, the japanese covered his ears, not wanting to hear all the things you might be saying to his comrades who surely were going to make fun of him until the day he died. well, at least he can make fun of them because he got a girlfriend (even if you aren't his girlfriend yet) and they don't!

[sevikas-biceps]

[TLDR: me rationalising and then ranting about why Caitlyn and Cassandra are both in the wrong]

Y'all. We love Cait, and we do stan Cassandra in some regards—but be fucking for real. Think of them as real people, in the real world, doing real things. Y'all would hate them. I'm putting Cait's gay love and Cass' gay support aside—because I really do feel like a lot of people gloss over their flaws just because of the queer rep and allying.

Think of it. The Kiramman's ventilation system was the bare fucking minimum being done for the people of Zaun. Caitlyn weaponising it is literally a violation of human rights practices. We know how privileged Topside is, we know there are at least sympathetic characters out there—and both of these are true for the Kirammans. What does this imply? That the Kirammans were essentially one of those at the top of the hierarchy, and this put them in a complete position of ability to help.

But they didn't. That's the issue, people.

One of the previous matriarchs putting the vent system into place was to solve the matter of the air pollution, yes—but arguably, the people of the Undercity shouldn't have had to deal with that problem to begin with. Cassandra might've been aware it existed; she gave her daughter the key, after all. However, that does not mean she actively came to the aid of the people of Zaun. Hell, do you think she was even aware of Silco, for instance? At the beginning? Maybe she'd've heard whispers from informants, about some old peacekeeper people called the Hound, and then about some mysterious tycoon taking his place. Maybe Grayson said something about the Undercity's concerns in the past, during the time of the first insurrection, but the Council took no note of it. Maybe Cassandra had someone else in place to make her dealings, if ever she dabbled in that black market shit.

Whatever else you can think of with that line of thinking; at the end of the day, it just proves that Cassandra herself was only another person stuck in the cycle—she did her job, she was cunning and selfish, she played the game. It's just business. It's just politics. No more, no less. The original line-up on the Council had members that were either ignorant, negligent, or corrupt (and yes; that includes Heimerdinger, Mel, and Jayce you guys)—and Cassandra was no better. Again, they all were part of the same damn cycle to begin with.

What makes Cassandra remarkable as a character—to us, the audience—is that she's remembered as someone redeemable because of her love for her family, for Caitlyn; that she was willing to try for her daughter's sake and happiness. Caitlyn. Not the city, not her kid's new girlfriend, and most certainly not Zaun. Above all else, it boils down to her little girl. Her only child. Cassandra being on the Council meant that she could give that child the best life that she could; Cassandra being on the Council meant that the child has a future. It implies that peripherally, she was aware of the Undercity's issues—hence the little frustrations exchanged about Caitlyn becoming an officer and venturing into the Undercity in Season 1.

That's her redeeming quality. Duty for family.

[If you want a visualisation of her actual nature, I'd honestly recommend using Olenna Tyrell, Tywin Lannister, and Jon Arryn from ASoIaF/GoT as points of reference.]

Now, onto Caitlyn herself. Credit where credit is due; the girl is in the middle of grieving, and she's being denied the chance to have even that. She doesn't deserve that. No one does. It would be unfair to deal her an amount of resentment for going unstable, when we'd all been rooting for Jinx for half of the same reasons in Season 1. But that's the issue: half of the same reasons.

Let's be honest for a quick second here. Do we really think Caitlyn would've ever gone down to the Undercity had Jinx never attacked on Progress Day? With someone like Marcus hot on her trails, if he lives in this hypothetical alternate reality, I imagine she wouldn't even be placed near the bridge(s) to begin with. And if, in canon, he'd survived the explosion, I can also see Caitlyn being put on house arrest—because if Marcus himself is outed as working with Silco (similar to how Grayson did with Vander), then that's all the more reason to keep the Kiramman heiress away from danger, or worse, death. If things are so bad that the Sheriff, symbolically a paragon of justice and protection, resorted to consorting with the enemy...well, what then? What does that say about the system? What does that say about Piltovan society?

Back to Caitlyn. I'm a firm supporter of the idea that she never would've been put into a potential line of fire had life gone on normally. If Jinx never stole the hexcrystals, then Caitlyn would have no reason to snoop around; Vi is still in Stillwater, Silco is at large, and so on and so forth. Caitlyn remains largely ignorant of the world she lives in. It's noble that she genuinely wanted to help people. But in a place like Piltover? She'd be worse than Jayce when Season 1 began. I'm sure she'd no doubt notice the surrounding manipulations in her life, or how flawed their reality could be—but the point is, at the end of the day, it's still a privileged life that she leads.

Let that word sink in. Privileged. This isn't to disparage her original desire to make her society a better place—I do think that Caitlyn has the potential to do so if she exerted her efforts into long-term developments that could fulfil that vision. But this is where it gets tricky—especially in the context of Season 2. She had all of those resources at her disposal. She was aware of the consequences in using them—how it might affect civilians, innocents. And she still did so anyway. Strike one.

For all that she was a decorated officer, it's really the personal vendetta against Jinx that made her unfit to lead the strike team to begin with. I imagine Vi refused the enforcer position at first not just because of her and her people's history with the authority, but because it's so blatant that doing so enabled Caitlyn to act in her anger. By accepting the badge, Vi validated Caitlyn's need for vengeance. Not that Caitlyn is unreasonable in wanting such a thing, mind, but what is unreasonable was how tone-deaf she'd become in the process of grieving, forgetting that it's not just her own interests on the line, but others' too. Strike two.

There's nothing wrong with Caitlyn at the beginning—the girl just wanted so solve a crime. But then circumstances came up. And then, all of a sudden, she has to choose between duty or self-interest. What the show does is that it gives a convenient solution for Caitlyn to be able to serve both her duty and her own self-interest(s): invade/scour Zaun, she catches a criminal and delivers justice for the Council; find Jinx, Cassandra is avenged and Vi may find closure. The fight at Janna's temple is where it all indeed goes to shit, as we can see, and that's where Caitlyn really slips off in my opinion. She'd toed the line when she asked Vi to wear the badge—but it's really when Isha (a child) got involved and later on when she struck Vi herself (a betrayal), that her motives get warped. Strike three.

My main argument is that Cassandra and Caitlyn were both in the wrong, in one way or another, albeit for different and varied reasons. The former didn't do enough for the situation at hand, and the latter seems to be doing too much at once. Cassandra herself seemed to have enabled her daughter's worse traits, too, whether directly or indirectly; and this is what makes up much of the character that we see Caitlyn evolving into.

There are many aspects of both mother and daughter that have always been there, or, at least, have had the potential to be there, such as: the ruthlessness, the narrow focus, the determination, the strictness—and, most of all (and I have a feeling this is going to be controversial), the hypocrisy. We know, for a fact, that Caitlyn and Cassandra are at least self-aware. To merely label them as naïve or inexperienced (to life) is a gross disservice to their characters. On some level, they're cognisant of their status and ability in society (evidenced by baby!Cait's scepticism regarding Grayson's trophy, and Cass' agreement to support their case at the Council meeting)—and they both have exacted measures in the face of what is demanded of them.

This is the reason that Caitlyn weaponising the Grey, using the Kiramman's ventilation system, is more or less unforgivable. Just because it had Vi's hesitant approval, it didn't make it right. Vi counts as an unreliable narrator in this case—when we know that she, in multiple instances, easily caves when someone she's attached to doubles down on her.

We, as the audience, can at least agree on the moralities regarding the authorisation of the strike team; and that means that we, as people analysing the show, can also agree that the effects of an act such as using the Grey can be devastating. We see this in Viktor's chronic illness, we see this with Silco's asphyxiation trick on the Chembarons, we see this when Jinx knocks out Sevika, we see this in Cassandra's notes. Stop trying to downplay the Grey. Stop trying to justify a fucking war crime. 'Oh, but it's just knock-out gas'—baby, no it's not. It's really not. Smeech explicitly says this: factory smoke trapped underground. Smoke. It's still gas. There's no safe way of administering it in high doses. That's like smoking Marlboro Reds taken beyond the extreme, and fuelled by gasoline of all things.

I'm not villainising Caitlyn, but some of y'all also need to stop excusing what she did—and I'm saying this because a lot of you also did the same with Jinx in Season 1. For the lack of a better example; it's very much like excusing what serial killers of the past had done because they were 'interesting' or 'charming' or hell, relatable. Be Gay, Do Crime is most definitely not applicable here, you guys. Seriously.

That is literally the reason Vi snaps at Caitlyn after the fight with Jinx. Why are you the one acting like her? It's not just a comparison between Caitlyn and Jinx, it's not just vendetta against vendetta; in a broader context, Vi is asking: Why are you resorting to the same acts of terrorism? Why are you enforcing the same tactics your predecessors used? Why are you turning into what you once swore not to become? Why are you doing this? What are you turning into?

Vi asked Caitlyn to promise her not to change. But she did.

Why are you betraying yourself?

[onyxonline]

Hi Onyx, in light of this Silver Shadow drama, I'd like to clarify my position on it. Before I knew they would ever do this, I knew them. I didn't ever think that the person I knew would do smth like this. I do NOT support anything they did or said in your SR Discord server, and I sure AF am NOT defending or commending them. They know they were wrong, and that they are NOT welcome in this fandom again, unless Onyx says otherwise. They do not ask for forgiveness, only that they get to apologize. I am conveying their message for them, since you have blocked them. Their message, in their words:

'Onyx, I'm deeply sorry that I put you and your discord server as well as the people that are on it through so much sh*t when I was still there. I'm not asking for forgiveness or anything like that, I just want to let you know that I'm sorry for my actions and the fact that I broke many of your rules. The reason why I'm saying this is because I feel the need to apologize to you. I would be doing this myself but you have blocked my account and so the person that is sending this in has volunteered to send this in for me, please don't hold anything against her, the blame is on me not her. I am acknowledging my actions and the fact that I was wrong. Like I said, I'm not asking for forgiveness.'

Thank you for reading this long-ass ask lol.

The apology would've been genuine if she didn't attempt to enter my fandom a SECOND time under a "new identity."

So no, I don't accept the apology, and any attempt to contact me will be met with a swift block. She broke and violated so many rules too many times, I ain't wasting my time with someone like that. I sincerely believe she is too young for the internet anyways.