#if i could qork straight through my 4 day weekends like a normal person
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God I cant even create and dream and be creative because if the stupid constant sickening ball of dread in the pit of my stomach over literally everything in life like
#i just wish i could make my brain qork for once#like properly work#if i could qork straight through my 4 day weekends like a normal person#if i could just have#the next three weeks#ill take any physical/mental fallout i can be exhausted for all of december for all i care but please#please let me have these next three weeks#but no i can focus for approximately thirty seconds maximum before getting bored and restless#like#how did my add get worse???#i dont understand at ALL#i cant even literally read anymore#like im literally having trouble focusing on visuals and words#i was looking at houses today and sending them to garrett and like he would point out#a whole bunch of details in them that i had somehow completely missed#i cant read poetry or well written books because the well writtenness just. completely doesnt register#i dont notice the beautiful phrasing and metaphors and prose unless i go word by word three times#and then read the whole phrase together a few times#i have tried like 90% of add meds and none of them have worked#or maybe they did and i didnt realize they did because i couldnt identify what unfocused felt like until recently#and i cant. like try them cuz my doctor is getting sick of my med hopping i think#every task is like this. there is no respite.#why should i live a life where every second is exhausting what is the point#i just want help. please. no one ever helps me#where is the world's compassion#where has my hope gone#the government is trying to kill me and goddammit its working#im so tired of being in charge of everything and incapable of organizing it all#for once when i get upset about a behaviour itd be nice if i was met with change instead of an apology#anyway. i think its time for bed.
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