#if doctors ever put you on short term corticosteroids

[tj-crochets]

Today’s crafting update: got another row sewn onto the rainbow triangles quilt top (6/14!), got one of these four baby blankets trimmed to size and pinned, but did not sew any of it I’m counting going to the store to get this fabric as part of my crafting today lol

Baby blankets! The solid colors in the middle will be the backing and trim, and the cute designs will be the focus of each blanket. I’m making four, two each of pink and yellow

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Long Nights - part 5

Neil x Reader

Chapter 5: After rain

(see chapter 4, 3, 2, 1)

summary: you learn to cope with the new situation, but you aren't the only one struggling

warnings: 18+, angst and pain, explicit language and other things

author’s note: This part of the story's been with me for... oh, so long. I just hope I did it justice. ✨6,1k words.✨ I don't even know.

Hurt/Comfort.

The song for this part is Dermot Kennedy - After rain

Enjoy! All feedback is greatly appreciated, let me know what you think?

——————

Tag list: @cxnnienikas @neutron-stars-collision ​ @ergunbilge @invertedneil @wanderedaway @mellifluous-cosmos @wonderwoman292 @buckysgoldenheart @townmoondaltwistle @theriverbeneaththeriver (please let me know if you want to be added/removed from the list)

-----

Your hands clenched on the bed’s frame, its coldness felt like the only real thing your drugged mind could process.

Doctor’s words were filling the room, but they were muffled as if they were coming from behind a barrier. Falling from such height...extreme luck...no broken bones…head trauma...internal bruising....

Was all that talking really necessary? Yeah, you were battered, all right. And it seems that even with painkillers the weird throbbing, like a morse code from your bruised cells, was about to stay with you for a little while.

...just like the darkness.

The more the doctor spoke, the more it became clear that they didn’t have any definite answers for you. Seemed like the day spent on being prodded, stabbed with needles, and tossed into various machines resulted in nothing more than a verdict: optic nerve injury.

As for what were you supposed to do now--

“Let me get this straight, doctor,” you said, slowly losing patience. “Your only solution now is: let’s wait and see what happens?”

Drumming fingers against a piece of plastic, followed by a sigh.

“Yes. There is no effective treatment, we could try a high dosage of corticosteroids, but there is no evidence that it’s gonna make any difference, really. And as some recovery may spontaneously occur within days or weeks--”

Weeks.

A cold shiver ran down your spine and you swallowed with effort.

And that was a maybe.

You just wanted to go home.

“Grand,” you cut in, “please tell me I can wait for that possible joyful occurrence anywhere else but here.” You aimed for a lighter tone, but every word coming out of your mouth was dripping with bitterness. Grimacing at your own attitude, you forced a weak smile to appear on your face. “No offense, doc.”

“None taken,” the doctor said with a snicker. “I get it.” A short pause filled with a rustling of paper. “With all the tests done, I don’t think we need to keep you here for observation any longer, but I’d recommend you weren’t alone for the next few days. Do you have anyone to take care of you after we discharge you?”

“I don’t need--”

Neil’s firm voice overlapped with yours.

“Yes, she has.”

You huffed, startled. And a bit annoyed.

You almost forgot Neil was in the room, but to be fair, you were quite sure he’d never left your side since you woke up. His initial nervous chatter got replaced by a silent presence, always ready to jump in should you needed anything - no matter if it was a glass of water or an arm to lean on. It was all comforting, endearing even, and you were so grateful to have him around, but the thought of having Neil in your apartment triggered an irrational panic.

Instead of dwelling on the roots of the anxiety, you decided to over-talk it.

“Neil, I appreciate the offer, but I’ll be okay, and you surely have better things to do than babysitting me.”

“I don’t.” Was that a hint of hurt in his voice? “Doctor, can you discharge her even if she is gonna be alone out there?”

“I’d rather she spent at least one more day here then.”

Unbelievable. You rolled your eyes, hoping it would make the same effect as always, and groaned. “Fine, you win, only because I want nothing else but to sleep in my own bed tonight.”

“Excellent,” said the doctor cheerfully, “I’ll get the forms and come back to you soon.”

“Thank you, doc,” you sighed, hanging your head in defeat.

After spending enough time with a person, it was always easy to recognize them by the way they walk. That’s how you knew it was Neil who approached you, ever so hesitantly.

And only because of a brush of his fingers against your hand you realized you were still clinging onto the bed frame.

“Hey, I’ll just help you set up everything you need there, all right?” he said quietly and you felt him sitting down next to you. “You’re gonna have all the space you want, and as soon as you decide it’s too much, I’ll get out of your hair, I promise.”

He must have noticed that little panic of yours, huh?

“I didn’t mean it like that.” You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to form a coherent thought. “It sounds good though, thank you.”

“Sure thing.” Neil shifted slightly. “How are you feeling?”

You shrugged and grimaced. “I don’t know, but either I’ve slept through the best high or these drugs they gave me are kinda lame.” Hearing Neil’s light chuckle, you cracked a small smile. “Honestly? I’m knackered.”

He hummed with sympathy.

“Is there anything I can do for you now?”

The softness in his voice was more than your tired and dazed mind could handle. You leaned to the side and rested your head on his shoulder.

“Just… take me home,” you asked, forcing the words past your clenched throat.

Neil exhaled sharply and carefully wrapped an arm around you, pressing a cheek to the top of your head.

“Of course.”

------

“Welcome to my crib.”

“Thank you, it’s...” - Neil hesitated as he closed the door behind you - “...cosy.”

Patting the wall to your right, you located a small hook and hung the keys on it.

“That is certainly one word for it,” you snorted. “Why, what did you expect?”

“Frankly? Considering you’re such an... acclaimed locksmith, I imagined something… well, bigger, for starters.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at the way he stumbled on words, trying so hard not to sound offensive in any way.

Grinning, you put on your most snobbish tone. “Ah, sorry to disappoint, all my gold, glitter, and general pizzaz got moved to one of my many summer houses as my spacious lair worthy of the most infamous thief is under renovation, so I was forced to retreat to my humble family place in this ghastly neighborhood.”

“Such a shame,” he said and a smile brightened his words. “I like it, though. Matches your vibe, somehow.”

“Because it’s small, detached, empty, yet somehow messy?”

Neil sighed in a way you were absolutely sure he was rolling eyes at you, then helped you with the coat. “It’s gonna take more than putting words in my mouth to make me want to leave you here all by yourself, you know.”

You were quite sure a dirty joke was hiding in there, but it eluded your tired brain.

“Damn, need to up my game then,” you giggled, leaning against the wall to take the shoes off without losing your balance. “Nah, I’m messing with you, I’m grateful you got me out of there. Can’t wait to rinse that hospital stench off of me.”

“Do you want me to run a bath for you?”

You mused over the idea for a moment, “Thanks, I’ll take a shower - two minutes tops and I’d end up asleep in the ‘tub.” Probably even faster, considering that you already were running on fumes. “Anyway, make yourself at home, gonna grab some fresh clothes.”

Neil was not willing to give up.

“I’ll get you--”

“I’ve got this,” you uttered, instantly hating yourself for how harsh it came out, so you quickly added, “But would you please put the kettle on?” sending an apologetic grimace along with your words.

“On it.”

He seemed happy to have something to do. Or at least sounded like it as he took the crackling grocery and takeaway bags to the kitchenette.

You walked across the room with confidence, your hand reluctantly extended ahead on your waist level just in case you miscalculated the route to the bedroom. When you reached the door frame, you smiled to yourself. It wasn’t that hard, was it? Almost like going to the bathroom at night, not willing to put the light on to avoid waking up, right?

And exactly then, your shin hit the edge of the bed footboard, the impact sending a searing wave of pain up your whole leg. You bit your knuckle to stifle a groan and a curse that was bound to follow. Every. Goddamn. Time.

The noises coming from the other room stopped, but luckily there was no question. Nor a hero coming to rescue you from the sudden and vicious attacks of furniture.

Finally, the closet. Your fingers ran through the folded clothes. Clean underwear. A soft t-shirt. Comfy pj pants. The fatigue was so severe that the term dress to impress didn’t even cross your mind. Not that Neil cared, right? But before you stepped back from the wardrobe, you hesitated, sliding your hands down to one of the bottom drawers. All that boring into nothingness was straining, and keeping your eyes closed all the time felt wrong, somehow. Might as well, you shrugged, pulling out a silky blindfold. Maybe this would trick your brain into thinking it was just a game. A temporary thing. Nothing serious.

...but what if--

You took a shaky breath and slammed the closet shut. Swallowing with effort, you took the clothes and limped out of the room, then followed the wall to the bathroom.

Neil’s concerned voice reached you halfway there.

“You okay?”

“Peachy,” you said and flashed your teeth in a strained grin.

“Let me know if you need anything, all right?”

A change of strategy, then. You certainly didn’t mind, at least this way it didn’t trigger the unnecessarily rude reaction. And you had a feeling that you were going to need a pair of eyes to take care of those bruises of yours.

...or you could just follow the radiating ache and slap some gel where it hurts most, but at this point, as the painkillers were slowly wearing off, it would probably be easier to just pour the whole tube on the tiles and roll over in it.

“Will do, thanks.”

You closed the door behind you and sighed. The undressing required an accompaniment of grunts, hisses and curses, and when you finally got into the shower (hitting yourself only once while doing so) you were all sweaty and panting as if you’d run up twenty flights of stairs.

You winced as the warm water poured over your body, but you couldn’t wait to get rid of the lingering smell of antiseptics. Using soap uncovered the injured spots with a burning precision, but you gritted your teeth and soldiered through it, changing position slightly so you wouldn’t cause more damage with shampoo and conditioner. Condemning your past self for choosing a matching set of hair products, you were forced to guess and pick one to pour a little bit of it on your hand to judge which is which based on the texture of the fluid. Why did you even bother…?

When you were done and more or less dry, you put on the panties and wrapped another towel around yourself. A slow thumping in your head was growing stronger by the minute, but it was still bearable. As for taking care of the bruises… you realized you didn’t even know where the arnica ointment was. You’d bought one on your way just in case, but that meant--

You groaned and rubbed an eye with the back of your hand. Help it was, then.

“Neil?” you called out, cracking open the door.

A sudden rumble of a chair made you cringe, but a corner of your mouth twitched.

“What is it?” he asked as his rushed steps carried him closer.

“Could you help me with putting something on the most banged-up spots, please?” - a sheepish smile crept on your lips - “I thought about just mixing some cream with my lotion and rubbing it all over, but--”

He scoffed as if the idea personally offended him. “Jesus, please don’t. I’ll be right back.”

Your legs seemed to weigh a tonne, but also started to shake as though they were about to give in any moment, so you sat back on the edge of a bathtub with relief.

Neil came back after a while and muffled clanking suggested he brought a full medkit with him. You waited as he washed his hands thoroughly, and you stifled an amused giggle at the dedication, even though it was nothing more but common sense.

Neil’s soft voice broke the silence. “I’m gonna take a look at those wounds first, but for that, I need to touch you, is it okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” you shrugged. “I imagine you can’t do plenty without that, huh?”

A light chuckle. “Fair enough.” And featherlike touches that followed.

Careful fingers examining every bruised inch of skin, starting from the freshly hurt shin, scraped knees, going up your thighs until they met the edge of the towel. Then, ghosting over your hands, unhurriedly moving up the forearms…

You realized your breath got shaky.

He tucked a still quite damp strand of hair behind your ear and his fingertips glided over your forehead and down your temple, traced your jawline up to your chin. His knuckles grazed your neck, then moved across your collarbones, but when they met the towel again, Neil hesitated.

“Nothing you haven’t seen before, right?” you joked playfully and untucked the corner of the towel, letting it slide down your body.

A sharp inhale and a slipped-out curse.

“Christ…” uttered Neil, and you were quite sure what he was referring to. Your hip pulsated with dull pain in the place where the oxygen container had been, or rather where it must have moved to during the escape, bruising the hip bone and surrounding area at the impact.

You forced a crooked smile to your face. “And here I was hoping it looked better than it felt.”

“I can always lie to you if you want,” he offered, aiming for a lighter tone.

Shaking your head, you nibbled on your bottom lip. Somehow, the sole thought of him lying to you seemed like a certain heartache.

“No.” Your voice sounded weak, but maybe that was understandable, given how powerless you felt overall. Or maybe you could stop being so pathetic any moment now.

You closed your eyes, and while you tried to parley with your brain to give you a break, Neil started meticulously treating your wounds, focused on not causing any more discomfort than it was needed. You switched all your attention to his ministrations, grimacing slightly from time to time as he was tending particularly sore spots. Neil’s warm fingers contrasted with the cold ointment, all the different sensations fought a merciless battle to take precedence over one another, making even more of a mess in your tired head.

You heard Neil shifting in front of you as he was about to move to your injured face. Acting on an impulse, you spread your legs to allow him to come closer, and so he did, positioning himself on his knees between your thighs without a word. Quite a concentration, you thought and smiled fondly to your memories of the times you’d seen him so committed to a task. Slightly furrowed brows, blonde strands falling into shining blue eyes, with a bottom lip tugged between the teeth...

A brief touch on your temple brought you back to reality and you gasped, reaching out to hold on to Neil to keep your balance. As you rested your hands on his sides, he gently cupped your face and continued with taking care of the bruises. It felt as if the warmth radiating from him was mending you whole, even more so when it got combined with tender, soothing brushes of Neil’s thumb against your cheek. You melted into his palm and exhaled slowly, dropping your shoulders and relaxing.

Before you could stop the words from spilling out, you said under your breath, “It was just a fall, I don’t know how it got that bad,” voicing the thought that’s been on your head all day.

Neil pulled back abruptly and the tranquil moment shattered like glass against the bathroom tiles.

“Are you being serious right now? Just a fall? You’re lucky you’re alive, goddamnit, let alone able to walk!” Disbelief mixed with anger in his tone, taking you aback. And to your surprise, it felt like yet another wound, inflicted right at your chest. “Y-you hit the wall before you crashed on the ground, you--” his voice broke and Neil sighed. You heard him packing the medkit, simply tossing things inside before he moved away.

“Oh,” was all you could say, reaching for the abandoned towel to wrap it over your shoulders, in a sudden and desperate need to cover yourself. In every way possible. “Remind me to tie a cat and a buttered slice of bread to myself the next time we do this.”

He didn’t respond to your poor attempt at lighting up the mood, instead, you heard the door handle, a deadpanned “I’ll heat up the food” and he was gone.

You had no idea where his reaction had come from. Normally, you’d have followed him straight away to confront him, but right then you felt so exhausted and helpless you just slouched in your spot, with your hands fisted on the towel, and sat like that for a while, leveling your breath. You mustered all the strength you had left, found your clothes and put them on. Then, you tied the blindfold, letting a piece of sleek material bring a shred of comfort and hide a pitiful glimmer in the corners of your eyes.

You joined Neil in the other room and sat at the table. He didn’t comment on your attire nor the choice of accessories, hell, he barely even spoke to you when he put the plate in front of you, as well as through the whole meal.

Even though you’d picked up your favourite comfort food on the way, it tasted bland, and with your stomach tied into a knot, you couldn’t force more than a few bites into your system. Judging by the sounds - or rather the lack thereof - coming from across the table, Neil’d lost his appetite too.

Finally, you cleared your throat, breaking the heavy silence. “I think I’m full,” you said and stood up, grimacing slightly.

“I’ll do the dishes, go lie down,” he said quietly. “Please.”

As if he anticipated an argument. You really had no energy for that.

“Thank you. Are you--...” you stumbled on the question, but Neil chimed in.

“I’ll be on the couch.”

...maybe it was for the best.

You nodded and turned on your heel to fetch a spare pillow and a blanket while Neil was occupied with the dishes. The ever-growing headache was becoming unbearable, but you hoped that the sweet arms of Morpheus would bring a much-needed release soon. You brushed your teeth quickly and mumbling “‘night,” you disappeared into the bedroom, leaving the door half open for god knows what reasons. Perhaps to make you feel less alone.

The plan of sleeping off the worst pain looked good on paper but proved to be too hard to execute. That bloody awful feeling of being tired beyond comprehension and still unable to doze off, right? You tossed and turned (although carefully), trying to find the most comfortable position. After a while, you took the blindfold off and curled on your side, staring into the nothingness again. Listening to the sound of running water coming from the bathroom. Forcing every breath through your clenched chest. Trying to focus on anything other than neverending soreness.

You heard Neil’s footsteps and how they stopped right at your door. Stalling.

And you didn’t even try pretending you were asleep. Waiting.

“Hey... I wanted to check if you need anything before I turn in for the night.”

The softness of his voice was tainted by something as if he was holding back. But you were so glad to hear it anyway.

“Actually,” you said, propping yourself on the elbow and wincing, “could you bring me one of those fancy painkillers, please? I thought I might do without for a little while but-- ...yeah, not quite.”

“Of course, coming right up.”

When Neil was back, you sat on the bed, allowing him to hand you a glass and ...a shot glass? You shook the latter slightly and something rattled inside.

“Ah, okay, smart,” you smiled with recognition. “Thanks.”

“Don’t tell me you thought it was vodka?”

A hint of amusement in his tone made you snort.

“I can’t say I would mind,” - shrugging, you swallowed the pill and washed it down with cool water - “but this is gonna be more efficient, I guess.”

You shifted in your spot to put down both glasses on a bedside table. Neil was there to make sure you actually placed them on top of it, pushing your forearm gently when you were about to create a mess.

That light touch brought a lump back to your throat. As if the awkward silence wasn’t suffocating you enough.

“If that’s all…” said Neil quietly, taking a step towards the door.

But you reached out into the darkness and found his hand.

“Neil…” you squeezed his fingers, desperately trying to convey words that eluded you. Your plea was barely a whisper. “...stay?”

The pulse pounded in your ears as the stillness that followed seemed to last forever.

Then, Neil squeezed your hand back.

“I will,” he choked out, and his thumb grazed over your knuckles. “Be right back.”

You nodded and let go of his hand, not even sure that he could see your gesture, then moved to the other side of the bed. The held-back breath escaped in a shudder as another wave of pain overrode your senses, leaving a trail of cold sweat down your spine.

A faint tock of the light switch in the other room, then footsteps and a pillow landing next to yours. Neil snuggled down, keeping his distance, and you curled again in your spot, hoping that his proximity will calm you down enough to fall asleep. But as you said your goodnights and Neil’s breath leveled and got deeper, you still waited on the pills to start working, getting more and more lost in your own head and thoughts you’d managed to keep lidded on until now.

Because if only you’d cracked that safe faster. Or maybe if you’d discussed that escape route beforehand, somebody would have found a better path through the roofs. No, scratch that, the plan was tight, and it was your goddamn fault that you’d gotten distracted by a sodding rain, of all things. And that jump? Bloody amateur hour. Should have seen that coming, stepped to the side, or caught onto anything. You’d been granted a second chance at that wall. But no, you’d had to panic like a bush-leaguer, as if it had been your first fall in your life. And now you were lying there, feeling sorry for yourself. Abso-fucking-lutely pathetic.

What if Madame Karma finally decided to make you pay? What if you were never going to get your sight back? A warm tear trickled down your face slowly. No more free runs and adrenaline rushes while taking shortcuts through the most obscure places. No more lying on the rooftops to observe how the sky changes colours through the night. No more sitting on the hill and watching how the sun reflected in the river. How it danced on that messy blonde hair. You would never see his blue eyes lighting up again--

Your chin trembled as the tears stained your pillow. It felt as if you were nothing but pain, fear, and heartbreak. Pressing your lips together, you stifled a sob that shook your body mercilessly. You were nothing.

“What’s wrong?”

You wanted to brush it off, to tell him you were okay and he could go back to sleep. But instead, you sniffled and whimpered, unable to pass any word through your tightened throat.

Neil gasped and placed a hand on your shoulder.

“Hey, hey, come here,” he said softly as his fingers pressed lightly onto your back, urging you to move and you shifted into his embrace, clenching your fists on his t-shirt, struggling for every breath. “I’ve got you, it’s okay, it’s gonna be okay,” he cooed, wrapping the arms around you gingerly. A much-needed reassurance whispered over and over again like a plea to anyone who could be listening.

Weeping quietly into Neil’s chest, you sought refuge in his closeness, clinging onto him as he held you and stroked your hair, waiting for the worst to pass. Soon, you ran out of tears, and there were just sobs, convulsing you whole like a heart-wrenching hiccup. Neil hugged you a little tighter, placed a small kiss on top of your head, and started humming, a melody barely more than a murmur. It felt familiar, but why?

By and by, the song and a steady heartbeat against your cheek weaved together and calmed your racing mind. Enough to finally let you drift off, with Neil’s soothing voice and warmth enveloping you, bringing comfort and hope for a better tomorrow.

-----

You should have known better than to expect something to be different when you woke up. Swallowing down the disappointment and resignation, you dug yourself up from under the covers. The pain dialed down, but was very much there, especially during sudden moves.

Maybe you would feel better if you washed your face, still a bit puffed after all that--

…oh shit.

Your brain halted, torn between making you cringe and spreading the warmth through your chest. If you were to survive the day, the key was not to think about what happened last night. At least you didn’t have to look him in the eyes, huh? Armed with a smile, albeit a bit sour, you grabbed some clothes on your way out and ventured into the quiet living room.

“Neil?”

For a split second you were sure he was gone, but--

“Over here.” Judging by the sound of it, here was somewhere near the couch. “How are you feeling?”

Concern. Obviously. He’d seen you at your worst, so there was no point in hiding your state.

“Like I’ve spent some time inside a cement mixer,” you sighed. “But better, thanks. What time is it?”

“Almost 3 o’clock.” A faint thud of a book being put down. “Are you hungry? I was about to fix something.”

It was a good moment for your insides to growl in confirmation, but at least this time your body decided to spare you. Although your stomach was pretty much cleaving to your backbone, all right.

“Oh yes, please.” You smiled with appreciation and raised a hand with a bundle of clothes. “I’ll join you in a minute.”

That minute took a little longer, as your mobility was still pretty lacking, but fresh as a (beaten-up) daisy, in a comfortable outfit and a blindfold, you followed your nose to the kitchenette.

“Smells delicious.”

A soft chuckle came through the sizzling. “Hope it tastes good as well, wanna try?” When you nodded, you heard Neil walking up to you. “Open your mouth, careful - it’s hot.”

You recognized the rich flavor as some variation of the Napoli sauce, perfectly balanced, and you could only hum in approval. Where the hell had he gotten those herbs from?

“It’s amazing,” you said, but couldn’t resist a little smirk, “or I’m just starving.”

Neil scoffed lightly. “Might be that.” There was a smile and a hint of pride in his tone, and it made you beam a little wider. “Come sit down.”

When you did, and a bowl of pasta landed in front of you on the table, your mind involuntarily went back to last evening. That tension. Sudden distance. Everything after that. What was worse, it seemed like you weren’t the only one thinking about it, because the silence that fell between you now grew heavy with unresolved issues lingering in the air.

But maybe you were misreading the room and you were fine.

“Listen, about yesterday--”

...or not.

Instead of letting Neil finish, you panicked, and before you could stop yourself, you used his moment of hesitation to blurt out, “Oh god, I’m so sorry, I was exhausted and everything hurt and--” you frowned and hid the face in your palm. The shame felt like a tightening ring around your chest, making it hard to breathe. ”I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“Wait, what?” huffed Neil, his voice filled with consternation. ”Jesus, no, that’s not what I meant, I--” he faltered and groaned, then added more softly, “Why are you even apologizing for that?” And when you shook your head, unable to find the right words, Neil gently touched your arm, rubbing it up and down slowly. “I’m glad you weren’t alone.”

Your heart clenched with fondness as you palmed over his hand.

“Thank you for being there for me.”

A twist of the wrist and a light squeeze on your fingers.

“Of course.”

Like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

After a moment, you asked quietly, “If it isn’t about that, then what?”

A loud buzz cut through the air, the unexpected noise almost making you jump in your seat. Impeccable timing.

Neil picked the vibrating phone from the table. “It’s work, I have to get that.” His hand was still holding yours, reluctant to let go. “If I’m not done by the time you finish eating, two words: bed rest.”

“May I make it a couch rest, doc?” you grinned, and by the resigned sigh you could tell Neil definitely rolled his eyes at you.

“Just make yourself comfy and horizontal, all right?” A final brush of his thumb against your fingers and he was up, walking off from the table. “Hi, what’s up?”

Whatever they needed him for, it took so much time that you finished your meal and obediently moved to the couch. That unfinished talk left you anxious enough to nervously pick at the edge of the blanket, but as Neil was still lost in a hushed conversation, and the aforementioned blanket was way too cosy, you slowly drifted off into a dreamless nap.

You weren’t sure what woke you up - a shift on the other side of the couch, or a heavy sigh, one of those signaling the weight of the whole world on somebody’s shoulders. Hearing the latter was enough to wipe the remains of sleep from your system and you sat up, grunting slightly.

“What is it?”

Another sigh.

“I’m an idiot.”

You puffed your cheeks and shrugged, a corner of your mouth twitching in a nervous smile.

“Before I let out a purposeful no and kick you - why are you saying that?” Silence. “...Neil?” When the answer was not coming for too long, you moved to your knees, reaching out until you touched his shoulder. No reaction. Trying to keep a rising worry at bay, you urged him quietly, “Talk to me, please.”

Neil inhaled slowly and he finally spoke, his voice barely there.

“I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” you asked, knitting your brows together as you brushed your hand down his arm only to find his clenched fist, tightening even further under your touch.

“For yesterday, for letting it out on you, when you were just--” he paused to swallow audibly, and then continued, blurting out one strained word after another, “and all of that while this whole mess is my goddamn fault because if I hadn’t hesitated out there, we both would have made it in time--”

“No, no, no, you can’t do that to yourself,” you said, crawling into his lap and nestling between his legs, wrapping yours around his waist. “It was a perfectly normal reaction.” The pulse thumped in your ears when you placed one hand on Neil’s chest and the other one travelled up along his neck to cup his face. Then your thumb glided over a wet trail on his cheek and it felt as if your heart shattered into a million pieces. Oh please, no. “My darling...” you whispered, but it was as if Neil barely acknowledged you were there, trembling and lost.

He pressed his forehead to yours and continued, traces of dread ringing in his hollow tone more and more with every choked-out sentence.

“When I turned back and I saw that--….at first, I thought you’d been shot, then you fell and-- suddenly all I could think was if your oxygen container was intact, or--... I called the Cavalry on the way down but I was so scared I was too late, I thought--” his voice broke and you felt him frowning as he shuddered, struggling to carry on. “I thought that you were gone, and I didn’t--”

His heart raced under your palm while you kept stroking his cheek, consoling him softly, “Neil, I’m here, it’s all right, I’m here.” But when that didn’t seem like enough to bring him back to you, you reached to his neck to pull him closer and kissed him, desperate to make him stop spiralling down. To make him stop hurting.

A muffled whine against your lips. But then you felt him melt and he kissed you back, still helpless, wrapping his arms around you carefully as if he expected you to fall apart under his touch. Not quite there. You deepened the kiss purposefully, burying your hands in his hair, tugging at the strands as you pressed yourself to him as much as you could in your position. You didn’t care about your own pain or discomfort. If any of you were meant to be lost in any way, it might as well be this. Neil gasped and lifted you up so you properly straddled him, then tightened the embrace, clinging on to you for dear life as he captured you in another kiss, and this time it was his turn to try to convey the unbearable mixture of despair, relief, and immense longing. All of that poured into this simple act of devotion until there was nothing but pure need. To touch and to be touched. To hold and to be held. To be close. To be wanted. To be found.

A breathless moan escaped your mouth and Neil pulled back ever so slightly.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said softly, his fingertips gliding over your features.

Oh, how much you missed looking into his eyes.

The fact that he cared, without simply going ahead with it, made your chest clench with fondness. At this point, you trusted him beyond reason, although it was still nice to hear it.

“I’m not made of glass,” you huffed, nuzzling his nose.

A low hum and a trail of kisses along your jawline. You shivered when his lips reached a spot just below your ear and then smiled against your skin.

“Are you sure?” his husky voice was playful, but you knew he was double-checking.

“Try me.”

That moment was not about chasing the high. It was about feeling each other. Being with one another. As close as possible. That couldn’t wait, and neither could any of you, tugging at the clothes in random order with urgency.

Neil looped his arm around your shoulders, settling you on your side in his embrace. Keeping you steady. Safe. Close. And even though his kisses were desperate and leaving you winded, his touch was gentle, and you knew the blue eyes were watching you attentively, ready to react to the smallest sign of discomfort. But also to any encouragement to go further.

A hitched breath. A leg hooked on his hip. Fingers dragged across his back.

He was ready to give you everything and take whatever you were willing to offer. And you wanted to do the same for him until everything else lost its meaning and it was just you and him, and the fire that burned inside you. Searing every nerve. Cleansing the doubts. Numbing the pain. Lighting up the darkness. And, in the end, bringing resolution as you both came undone, moaning and gasping for air only to be comforted by hands cupping cheeks and yet another kiss. Slow. Tender. Full of admiration.

When Neil drew back and shifted slightly, you whined in protest, wrapping your leg around him tighter to keep him in place.

“Where are you going?”

A quiet chuckle, followed by a feeling of a soft blanket sliding over your naked body. And a kiss on the tip of your nose.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

You sighed with content as Neil pulled you closer again. The light stubble scratched your fingers as they studied the impossible angles of his face unhurriedly.

“Good.”

(next chapter ->)

[fernandouajf160-blog]

Safe periocular steroid use for eyelid dermatitis

Children Health And Wellness Information: Nappy breakout Grown-up diaper rash: Reasons, symptoms, as well as treatment Itching From Dry Skin: Avoidance and also Therapy Eczema: Signs, therapy, as well as triggers Dermatitis diet suggestions: Foods to http://b3.zcubes.com/v.aspx?mid=2786600&title=advantan-ointment--eczema stay clear of as well as eat Treatment & & Outcomes of Dermatophytes Elocon Topical: Uses, Side Impacts, Interactions, Photo, Warnings & & Dosing Tricortone lotion and lotion Dermatitis Symptoms & Indications Atopic Dermatitis: National Eczema Society Dermatitis as well as Mental Wellness

What should I do to deal with a nappy rash?

Does eczema go away on its own?

The treatment for ringworm depends on its location on the body and how serious the infection is. Ringworm on the skin like athlete's foot (tinea pedis) and jock itch (tinea cruris) can usually be treated with non-prescription antifungal creams, lotions, or powders applied to the skin for 2 to 4 weeks.

These include the face, the back of the knees, the within the elbows, the groin area and also the armpits. The FDA has alerted medical professionals to recommend Elidel and also Protopic with care due to issues over a possible cancer threat connected with their use. Both creams also bring the FDA's "black box" warning on their product packaging to alert medical professionals as well as clients to these possible risks.

Drugs.

Various other possible side effects consist of little changes in pigmentation (white areas), and also momentary sores. One more feasible side effect is known as telangiectasia. This is the medical term for little dilated capillaries that look a bit like crawler webs on the skin.

Health and wellness News

Using too much of this medication might cause thinning of the skin as well as stretch marks, specifically on locations of thinner skin, such as the face, joint folds, groin and underarms.

Eczema is a condition where patches of skin come to be swollen, scratchy, red, cracked, and rough.

It's a super aggravating problem that influences over 30 million Americans, according to the National Eczema Organization.

It can happen anywhere on the body, as well as is usually brought on by a combination of genes and also body immune system activates, like allergic reactions or contact with toxic irritants.

Easier claimed than done, right?

Sudocrem is a scientifically proven therapy for nappy rash, which aids relieve, heal and also protect your child's delicate skin.

According to current research, steroid creams or lotions aren't more reliable when utilized twice a day-- or a minimum of the stronger items aren't. If the eczema is serious, you can use the topical corticosteroid initially and then cover the afflicted area with a damp cover in order to boost the effect of the medicine. However there is no good study on the advantages as well as disadvantages of this technique.

Itching From Dry Skin.

This medicine is offered in numerous kinds including cream, ointment, and cream (service). Your medical professional will certainly choose the sort of product based on the skin condition/area of the body being treated. If your dry, scratchy skin does not improve within 2 weeks, call your physician or various other health care carrier. In many cases, dry skin and itching can be as a result of an allergy or a skin condition such as dermatitis or psoriasis, which may need specific treatments. Serious itchiness can often be a sign of a much more serious problem, consisting of liver disease as well as cancer.

Typical dry skin is typically a short-lived problem, and does not tend to be extremely scratchy or irritated. It might be eczema if your completely dry skin turns right into a scratchy breakout that shows up often. You might wish to see a doctor to confirm whether you have eczema, or to figure out just how serious your dermatitis is. NEOSPORIN BASICS ® Products are for individuals with light to moderate eczema.

Explore Health.com

This record does not contain all possible drug interactions. Keep a checklist of all the items you utilize (consisting of prescription/nonprescription medicines as well as herbal items) as well as share it with your medical professional and also pharmacist. Do not start, stop, or alter the dosage of any kind of medications without your medical professional's approval. Since he or she has actually judged that the advantage to you is better than the threat of side impacts, bear in mind that your doctor has actually prescribed this medication. Lots of people utilizing this drug do not have major adverse effects.

This assists to minimize inflammation and inflammation. We still do not understand adequate concerning the duty of diet regimen in eczema. Several carers believe that their youngster's dermatitis is caused by something in their diet regimen but only a small number of children, generally under age 3, with eczema are assisted by modifications in diet regimen and, also in those who are, they will still need to utilize a good skin-care regimen to secure against other triggers. Simply put, it is hardly ever diet regimen alone that sets off dermatitis.

[colitisblues]

here's my facebook post announcing my surgery...

I don't ever write these long posts but this is kind of a big deal and I think I'm entitled. If you've spoken to me (or my parents) at all recently, this is old news for you, but for those of you who are hanging out on the sidelines, here's the official update on my life. Gonna try to keep it short and sweet, but there will probably be a TLDR at the end anyway. Item #1: I'm taking a year off of school to focus on my physical health situation. Item #2: A week from today I'll be in the hospital, hopefully doped up on copious amounts of pain meds after successfully completing the first of a series of three colorectal surgeries. Item #3: I'm having my colon removed, ladies and germs. After two years of struggling to find a medical therapy that would push my ulcerative colitis into remission, I've hit a wall. Unfortunately, I'm out of options short of hiring a witch doctor and a full colectomy has become "inevitable." If nothing else, though, at least I can say I tried. I gave my body a fighting chance and I did what I could to hang onto my large intestine. The thing is though, medicine isn't perfect and while research is still being conducted and new drugs are being developed, the reality of the situation is that I can't live my life this way. In addition to dealing with the inconvenience and anxiety associated with frequent bathroom visits, I've been battling overwhelming fatigue, exhaustion, pain, malnourishment, weakness -- you name it. I like to think I carry myself well and that I put on a brave face with my 3.5 GPA and my smiley summer travel photos but I've been on high doses of corticosteroids for the entirety of these past two years with the exception of a few stray months. In addition to the symptoms of my colitis, the side effects of these meds have been completely destroying me. Give that a quick Google if you feel so inclined. But to stay on prednisone long-term could potentially have life-threatening consequences and I'm not having it. They don't help nearly as much as they hurt and after all this time, I'm tired. I'm sick and tired and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. And as scary as surgery (and the pending recovery) is, I've been equally afraid of living an incomplete life. At nineteen years old, to feel this trapped in your own body, trapped in bed while your friends grow, to feel as if there's no way out... it's crushing. I've been crushed by my IBD. And that's okay. These surgeries are going to help me take my life back. Yeah, I'll have an ileostomy for six months and I'll be in pain frequently and I'll be stuck in bed again, but at the end of it all, I'll be pain-free. I'll be able to eat without worrying so much about what'll happen when I do. I'll be able to exercise without feeling faint. I'll be able to sleep through the night for the first time in months, go on roadtrips, focus on what actually matters to me instead of only what requires my immediate attention. I'll be able to do so many things I long since gave up hope of doing. I'll be a new woman, essentially: a new woman given the promise of a more fulfilling life. What a gift that is. Item #4: I'm more terrified than I've ever been. Item #5: I'm more hopeful than I've ever been. TLDR; I'm having my colon taken out. It's scary as all hell, but I'm gonna be so much better off by the time summer rolls around. (Also gimme Netflix recs, pls & thx.)

[gracespilkerr]

A Simple Guide To The Firefighter Medical Exam

Part of becoming a firefighter is have a medical exam.  But, if you’ve ever wondered what to expect during a firefighter medical exam, you’re not along.

In this article, I want to give you a quick run-through of some of the different aspects of the physical exam in the hiring process. This can help you prepare for what is to come. I will also talk about some other expectations and medical disqualifications. Finally, I want to talk about the likelihood of ongoing physicals while working at your new fire department.

Basic Requirements of a Firefighter Medical Exam:

Vital signs

Vision test

Hearing test

Blood work

Urinalysis

Chest X-ray

Pulmonary tests

Treadmill test (stress test)

Functional movement screening

General medical history

Many departments will add a physical exam to their healthcare package for new employees. In most cases, it is a way to help them with their health and well-being in dangerous occupations.

Most will also use physical exam when hiring to be sure that candidates are right for the role. Firefighting is one such profession and, as you might expect, the physical is pretty extensive because of the stress and dangers of the profession.

When you apply for a role in the fire service and pass your initial application process and interviews, a medical assessment isn’t far behind. This is an essential screening measure to make sure that applicants are fit enough to proceed. The test typically consists of 10 key processes.

While different departments may have different requirements, this list gives you a good idea of what to expect.  Let’s further break down what to expect with each exam.

Vital Signs

This one is pretty straightforward. They need to know your vital signs, such as your blood pressure, heart rate and oxygen level (pulse ox) as an indication of your general fitness level. Poor results here could indicate poor physical fitness but also underlying health issues that may need medical intervention.

Physicians and department officers need to decide whether those issues could harm your performance on the job.

Another vital sign that some departments may look at is body composition. They need to know your body mass index (BMI) and will use skinfold tests for a ratio of fat to muscle. Not only does this indicate the physical fitness of a candidate at the time of hiring them, but physicians can also see improvements over the years.

Vision Test

Good vision is essential in firefighting for dealing with incidents with poor visibility or night-time work. Many departments will allow firefighters to sign up if their vision can be corrected to appropriate standards with no impairment on the job.

There can be a disqualification for those with monochromatic vision, far visual acuity that is less than 20/40 binocular vision or a peripheral vision less than 110 degrees.

Hearing Test

Recruits need to hear instructions and indications of dangers on the scene in loud, confusing situations. Therefore, the hearing test is essential.

The test is simple with a series of responses to stimuli in a soundproof room. Those that underperform at the different frequencies may struggle on-site. There are also disqualifications for conditions that could prove dangerous, such as uncorrected tinnitus, Meniere’s syndrome or labyrinthitis.

Blood Work

You will have blood taken 48 hours before the physical exam so that doctors can have the results ready. The blood work is vital in highlighting possible health risks.

Doctors can look at white and red blood cell counts as well as glucose levels. These can indicate diseases that are perhaps undetected or poorly managed. It is also a good way to test alcohol levels for substance abuse.

Urinalysis

You might think that the urinalysis is primarily for drug tests. Fire departments will have strict policies on the use of drugs – especially those in states with legalized marijuana. But, there is more to this test. The compounds and consistency of the fluid can indicate major diseases and small infections.

Chest X-Ray

A chest x-ray gives doctors an up-close look at the health of your lungs and heart. This means checking the lungs for damage or obstruction, spotting potential problems with the heart and looking at the major blood vessels. This is the perfect chance to locate something small that could end up being a ticking time-bomb.

Pulmonary Tests

It isn’t enough to see inside your lungs for visible indicators of disease. Breath tests with spirometers determine a candidate’s lung function through inhalation and exhalation. A poor rate could be dangerous in a smoke-filled room even with a mask on.

Hiring officers may not be interested in hiring those with asthma or those with any other reactive airways disease that has required bronchodilator or corticosteroid treatment for more than 2 months in the past 2 years.

Treadmill Test (Stress Test)

This one is a classic that never seems to go out of fashion. The treadmill is the perfect way for physicians to gauge the cardio and respiratory function of their new applicants. This one is as much about endurance as anything else. Can you maintain the right heart rate and performance for your age during long tasks?

Functional Movement Screening

Functional movement essentially means the way that your body can move with the range of motion of the limbs, flexibility of the joints and perhaps also the strength of the muscles. The tests involved can vary between departments, so it is best to practice a lot of exercises and get your range of motion and flexibility up to the right standard.

Flexibility is essential in the hamstring muscles, lower back, and shoulders. It helps firefighters move around dangerous areas and handle equipment with less risk of injury.

There are different ways to test this. Participants can be made to sit against a wall with their legs and knees flat. They then reach out toward their feet to see how far they can get. There are also leg raises, hurdle step-overs, deep squats and other tests.

General Medical History

Finally, the physician will want to go over your medical history and run some additional tests as needed. This is the final phase where all of the numbers, samples and red flags come together.

They will get to know your previous medical history and risks within the family. This could help them analyze the samples and results and make their recommendations. It is important to be honest at this point when answering all the questions. Failure to do so could put you and your crew at risk.

This list is a good starting point when hiring applicants. But, the NFPA has high standards and additional clauses.

The NFPA has a list of 1582 medical requirements for firefighters to make the grade. This may sound excessive, but we have to remember how physically demanding the role is.

I can’t go into full details about each of the 1582 requirements here. Just be aware that many additional disabilities and illnesses could prove to be a reason for disqualification.

For example, there are neurological conditions that would not be tested for in this physical. Any neurological condition that could affect the safety of others, concentration on the job or short-term physical ability is an issue. Anyone with epilepsy is expected to have had it under complete control for at least 5 years.

Firefighter Medical Exams Shouldn’t End There…

Ideally, your fire department should also have the funding and support to provide regular medical screenings on the job. Regular screening can help medical professional spot any signs of disease caused by the profession.

This means a more general physical examination of the body, limb function and response. But, there should also be A Simple Guide To The Firefighter Medical Exam appeared first on FirefighterNOW.

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