#if anything i feel 20 but my body hurts more and ruining my sleep schedule fucks me up

[rgbwings]

Hey, I know you get a lot of shit for your age and I hope sometime you'll find people in the community that share that with you. Honestly you inspire me a lot art-wise, and to have been able to speak to someone around your age (sorry i keep on reffering to it as that, i don't know how open you are about sharing it) when I don't get to talk to anyone around that range is quite soothing. good luck out there, I hope nothing I said came out wrong.

I don't usually get shit for my age, it has happened of course. I think people in fandoms need to understand that aging happens and that doesn't take away your joy. I understand if someone feels weird at me, nothing I can do.

Good to know I somehow inspire you (I haven't drawn in a while AAA) and it's alright, I'm glad you're enjoying the experience of talking with someone who's not in their 20s anymore. Unrelated, but when I was a small wawee I thought I'd be married with children at 30... Lmao

Deceived by societal standards and media. Damnn

[maijobi]

thank you

gojo x reader

summary: gojo breaking down make me go brrrrr

a/n: hello hello, I havent been active here due to my exams but I’m finally done!!! I’m not so proud of this work but I most definitely don’t hate it, plus this was more of a ‘I need to get back to writing’ type of comeback. enjoy!

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you were waiting for gojo to arrive. it had been exactly two hours after you two had planned a date night at home and he still wasn’t here. you knew about his busy schedule, so you didn’t take it personal and didn’t think that he’d try to avoid a date night with you. especially these days. he was tired, you could tell. he was exhausted. every day that he’d come home he’d just slump on the bed and sleep straight till the morning without having had dinner. 

you were worried about him, but every time you tried to have that conversation with him, he’d find a way to evade anything that was related to that. you knew he was just bad at expressing his emotions, but you did your best to get something out of him even though you failed every time.

even though both of you had the same job, he was the stronger one. meaning everything from the higher ups fell onto him. he was running errands in their place because they were just too weak to handle it without him, or rather lazy was the word gojo liked to used.

the higher ups were rather cruel people. they didn’t care about Gojo’s mental health and because they knew he didn’t like to show weakness they took advantage of that. knowing that he’ll take any job given to him, just to show how strong and dependable he was. but a big burden came along with that. he’d be gone for days without having slept properly and then he’d come home and he’d be knocked out for the next three days. 

it was hard on him, but he still kept doing his best. 

you could tell he was exhausted because of the bags under his eyes, because of the way he drags his feet over the ground instead of jumping and hopping like he used to do. or the way he talked, the enthusiasm and sarcastic vibes were as good a nowhere to be seen. the way he can’t keep his eyes open when he gets home. for example when you two are watching a movie and you lay on his lap, you could see him trying his best to keep his eyes open but failing after too many attempts. you were sad, because not only was your precious time with him taken away from you, he looked visibly tired. it felt like any moment he could break down.

you were sat at the table that was fully ready for a romantic date night, but the only thing missing was the date himself. you were getting worried. he’d usually text you an hour at which he’d come home, but this time had you left wondering what might have happened because he didn’t text you anything. you didn’t want to think too much about it so with a text with “text me when you’re on your way home” sent to him, you tried to calm yourself down.

after only a few minutes of having sent that text, the door was opened. you sprinted to the door and saw Gojo barely able to hold himself up. without having to think twice you ran to him and slid arm over your shoulders for support. “satoru!”

his full body weight fell on you and you tried your best to hold the 1m90 tall man without making the both of you fall down. “satoru, what happened?!”

you helped him take off his shoes and immediately brought him to the bedroom. his breathing was uneven, but when you looked for a wound there were none to see. he was conscious, but just too weak to answer you. you stripped him from his uniform and left him in his shirt and boxers, giving him all the air he should get. “satoru give me one second”, you worriedly said as you ran to the bathroom and wet a towel. you ran back to him and put the towel on his forehead after feeling a fever come up. 

not knowing what exactly to do you kinda panicked, but you had to stay calm for him. you stood up, wanting to bring him a glass of water when suddenly his hands were on yours. you stopped your movements and turned around. his face was flushed red, probably because of the fever, but his eyes were still closed.

he opened his eyes and slowly rose from his laying position to a sitting one. he pulled you down so that you were sitting next to him. you weren’t sure what was happening or if he was even aware of the things he was doing now, but you let it all happen because maybe this all was what he really needed.

he looked you in the eyes, his being droopy and sad. his eyes were watery, but no tear dropped. he placed a hand each on both of your hands and slowly pulled you in for a hug. he allowed himself to be hugged, to be more precise. guiding your hands to his shoulders and then snaking his own around your waist as dropped his head in the crook of your neck.

after a deep inhale he finally broke down. not the type where people scream, but the type where they catch for breath and the type where they bite down on something to hold it in. he didn’t want to hurt you, but that was all he could do in order to not scream, even though you wanted him to. your hands rubbed his back and you knew immediately that he was just worn out. he had trouble keeping himself upright and he really just did his best until he couldn’t hold it anymore.

he didn’t expect you to say anything, and you didn’t. not only because you wanted to give him the rest he needed, but also because you just weren’t sure how to properly deal with this situation. but he didn’t care. all he needed was you by his side. you just had to be there, nothing more. 

you stayed like that for a while until he pulled you down on the bed with him. he wrapped his arms around your shoulders and pulled you close to him and was breathing in your scent. you weren’t sure if he had actually stopped crying, but he held you so firmly, yet so soft that you weren’t able to really look up to see his facial expression. 

you draped your arm over his torso and he tightened his grip on you. “I'm sorry for ruining our date night again”, he said in a whisper after a silent 20 minutes.

“don’t worry about that, I'm actually more worried about you”, you said while looking up to him. 

“you don’t have to”, he said while showing a weak smile.

he still had some tears around his eyes so you brought your hands up and wiped them away, caressing those places where there had been tears. “you don’t have to take every job they offer you just to show how strong you are. they know damn well how strong you are and are just making use of it.”

“I know”, he said slowly. “I just don’t want to disappoint my students.”

you thought for a second and tried your best to flick his forehead. it wasn’t painful, but it definitely left a red spot on his forehead. “your students look up to you no matter what. you not taking a job for your own well being will show them that it’s okay to take breaks or to not always be in good shape. they adore you and I'm sure that even if you don’t take certain jobs they will still do.”

he was silent for a moment, as if he was thinking. then he kissed the top of your head, breathing in at the same time. “thank you for always being there for me. thank you for keeping up with me and thank you for accepting me the way that I am.” as if that small speech wasn’t enough, he tightened his grip even more on you to show just how much he wants you by his side and just how much he is scared of losing you. so for return, you did the same thing. you wrapped your arms around his waist and tightened your grip on him. 

that’s how you fell asleep. and that's how you fell asleep every night. because he discovered that your touch and your scent was the one thing that would keep him at ease.

[duskamethyst]

covet.

a/n: a remake so some might have read this but i switched up a bit because i wasn't particularly happy with it.

word count: 2.2k

genre: mature, nsfw

warning tags: implied noncon at the end, stalking, yandere behavior

pairing: yan!iwaizumi x f!reader

summary: you find out that you are your best friend's obsession.

iwaizumi has always been a good friend to you; more like a doting brother that’s always looking out for you, cheering you up as he listens to you cry over the phone over a bad and sudden break up or helps you when you need a hand– whether it’s from studying or changing the light bulb and he never expects anything in return. he’s amazing and it’s rather strange that he never had someone special as long as you’ve known him.

you’ve asked him about his love life plenty of times before but he often finds a way to avoid the topic. though it’s unusual, you only think that he probably has a shy side to him despite how tense he usually looks. you couldn’t find anything wrong with him that could drive others away– from his looks to how he treats people around him. and honestly? he is too good to be true.

but when something seems too good to be true, chances are, it really is.

you know iwaizumi more than anyone else– with oikawa as an exception. you cling onto each other almost every day and you often go out together to finish up an assignment. your friends are always poking fun at you about liking iwaizumi whenever you’re with him but you’re always quick to get defensive, afraid of making him feel awkward and also because it isn’t true– you don’t really feel that way about him.

he’s aware that they’re just teasing but he couldn’t help the blush creeping up on his cheeks each time he hears the untasteful joke and his heart breaks over how you get quite uptight about it because boy, he actually feels happy at the thought of you having feelings for him.

as much as you think you know the guy, to iwaizumi, you don’t actually know him.

you don’t know how he feels about you, but he understands that. it’s his fault for not confessing to you directly but he also wants to protect the relationship you both currently have. iwaizumi doesn’t want to ruin it. he doesn’t want the probability of losing you when he knows he’s nothing more to you than just a friend. you don’t know that you’re the only person that fills his mind day and night, jerking off to the image of you before going to sleep. and you don’t know how he spends so many hours at the gym, letting out his anger and frustration to the punching bag when you tell him that you’re seeing someone.

iwaizumi is mindful of the fact that he won’t ever get to be your boyfriend; let alone the one to spend the rest of your lives together and it pains him for having someone so close but couldn’t quite reach for.

little that he realizes, he begins to have an unhealthy obsession over you.

he usually pretends to find interest in your relationships and hookups just so he can use it to his advantage just so that in a couple of months, you will run back into his arms and talk about how sad you are over it and blame yourself about how you aren’t good enough to anyone.

he feels bad when he sees your sorry state. it hurts him more than it hurts you but he keeps reminding himself that even though he is the cause of your breakup, it’s for your own good. of course he can’t say that out loud, he’ll just coax you with sweet words, things you want to hear like how you deserve someone so much better. he will tell you that you should look closer, find that person who has went through thick and thin with you but god– it’s a shame that you’re just so blind.

iwaizumi begins to stalk you at night. using an excuse to ‘watch over you’ when he only wants to see you at your most vulnerable state which he believes to be the ‘real’ you, unraveled. he wants to see how you are when you’re alone and unmindful of the presence of others, including him.

your schedule for your night activities differs each night so he finds himself lucky when he’s just in time to see you strip off your clothes piece by piece until you have nothing on before hopping into the shower. a loud gulp downs his throat when he watches you turn to the full length mirror, bare and perfect ass conveniently facing the window when you observe your figure from the side– probably to see the progress from that work out he has been telling you about.

his jaw clenches at how careless and oblivious you are of your surroundings (but can he really blame you, though?) but it gives him all the more reason to stick close to you so he can protect you. he can already feel his cock throbbing inside his pants and if it’s not for the fact that you don’t know that he’s stalking you, he’d say that you’re purposely teasing him. iwaizumi quickly fishes for his phone and takes the opportunity to take a picture of you.

he can’t help to imagine how you smell like after a nice, long shower. that mere thought alone makes blood rush to his dick. a whiff of you from each time you’re sitting next to him is never enough. he already memorizes your nightly routines; you skip two days to wash your hair, you have a separate towel to wrap your wet hair and the steps of your skin care routine and then you will proceed to turn on the music as you do your assignment on your desk.

that reminds him that he has better things to do too, but he can’t and won’t walk away until he makes sure that you’re asleep peacefully in your room. he wants to make sure that you’re not inviting some guy to your place because who knows who you’ve been texting when you’re not next to him? he still trusts you though, there’s no way you’ll keep it a secret from him. even if you won’t tell him, it’s not like he can’t go through your phone when you leave for the bathroom, and it’s not like you’ll notice the extra face ID in your phone’s settings.

it’s just a precautionary measure, he thinks.

but iwaizumi’s favorite part from his immoral activity is when you’re laying down on your bed, legs spreading as one of your hands disappear between your thighs and lips parting in inaudible whines. the look of your fucked out face as you cum makes his own body flush with primal heat.

if only you’d ask, he’d be more than glad to help you with your sexual needs. he’d give you the best fuck of your life until your little hole can only remember the shape of his fat cock; not anyone nor anything else would make you feel stuffed full and satiated. he often wonders how sweet you’d taste and how nice the sound you’d make when you moan his name.

oh how he wishes that you’re getting off to the thought of him. a guy can only dream.

“iwa, i’m in front of your house!” you say through your phone while pressing his doorbell at the same time. the door opens to a half-asleep iwaizumi, a phone in his hand and another rubs his eyes before inviting you inside.

“were you asleep? jeez, you look bad. did you stay up or something?” you whine, putting your bag down on the couch.

“hah, you could say that,” he snickers. “but you’re early.”

“why not? i bought breakfast too. let’s eat!” you chime as you walk to the kitchen and start to take out the food from the container and place it on the plates.

“sure, i’ll wash up and brush my teeth. hold on.” he mindlessly puts down his phone on the counter and strides to the bathroom.

after setting up the table, you sit down and play with your phone as you wait for him to come out. his phone suddenly vibrates and you glance to see that his mom is calling. you hate to pry but you innocently think that it may be urgent so you run to his room to where the bathroom he’s in.

you can hear the running water through the door, thinking that he would still be inside the bathroom. “sorry, you have a call from your mom so i’m coming in!”

though you’ve been to iwaizumi’s house plenty of times, you’ve never gone inside his room to study or finish up a project and he’d always keep the doors closed while you both do work in the living room. you were never really curious anyway, nothing would be interesting coming from a guy in his 20s. you’re willing to bet that it would just be a messy bed and clothes laying around on the floor.

but you’re dead wrong.

your heart almost drops to the floor as your eyes are greeted with a pair of your own from across the room. it’s placed nicely as if it serves to greet anyone that opens the door to the room. it’s one of your selfies that you posted on instagram from some time ago and it is one of the biggest pictures on the wall so there is no denying that it doesn’t immediately catch your nor anyone’s attention.

he has other pictures posted neatly on the wall, next to where he lays his head on the bed and the biggest one is in the center while the smaller ones surround it, built like a shrine that’s usually made by an obsessive fan for their idols.

as you walk closer, you realize that they are all pictures of you taken when you were idle and your stomach churns when you notice that they are all taken while you’re in your own solitude. it has one of your many expressions, from how happy you looked as you sing to how your face displayed lewd expressions when you were enjoying yourself during your sinful moment.

your breathing starts jagging and the voice inside your head tells you to run. and as you turn your heels around and reach for the exit, a pair of hands suddenly close the door shut in front of you– instantly having you pinned between the door and the tall figure towering from behind you.

the room falls silent for a second, you can hear your own heart pounding in your ears. you quickly try to collect yourself, though not daring to turn and look at him as you speak.

“h-here... your m-mom called.” you extend your arm back so iwaizumi can take the phone from your hand. “i... um... have to go.” you gulp, “i left… my stove on.”

classic, nice going. who even uses that excuse anymore? he’ll never fall for that.

you can feel the hair behind your neck start to prickle when he chuckles from your back. he’s so close, you can feel his breath when he speaks and how his voice echoes throughout the silent room.

“you didn’t even cook this morning.”

“j-just let me go, iwa.” at this point, iwaizumi notices you begin to lose your composure as you try to pull the door open but to no avail as he pushes his arms harder to keep the door closed. damn him and his strong arms.

“i’ll have to thank my mom later for bringing you here.” he laughs, wrapping his arms around your smaller figure and easily lifts you up to his bed before proceeding to trap you underneath his muscular body and grabbing a pair of metal cuffs from the drawer next to his bed.

it’s almost like he has been planning this all along.

“iwa, please– you don’t want to do this.” tears are forming in your eyes as you feel the cold metal graze your skin and hear the locking sound from above your head to restrain your hands from fighting back, as if you would have succeeded in the first place anyway.

“why not?” his grin is maniacal as he watches you wriggle helplessly underneath him. “when i can have you all for myself now? baby, this is all i’ve ever wanted.”

“you– you’re scaring me.” the metal rattles against the headboard as you struggle to free your hands, but of course, to no avail. iwaizumi’s eyes bore through your panic stricken face; your eyes are glazed and he can make up the reflection of himself in them. he feels rather accomplished– he’s finally everything and the only one that you see.

“iwa..” fat tears start to roll down your cheeks as you sob helplessly. iwaizumi seems to be startled a bit, then his face softens.

“how are you so beautiful,” he leans down to kiss both corners of your eyes. “even when you’re crying like this?”

you thrash your head side to side in a sign of protest but he gently cups your face in his large hands so you can look back at the pair of dark eyes that are filled with longing and desperation for you.

“i’m sorry. i’m sorry for making you cry.” he kisses your forehead. “i don’t wanna be like those guys.” he kisses your nose before letting you go and draws himself back to be on his knees.

what once your comfort has quickly become a nightmare. his height and taut physique has never been deemed to be daunting until now; when he’s propped between your legs while his hand reaches down to caress your soft thigh and up to undo the zip of your skirt.

“please, let me make up for it– make you feel better. i promise i can.”

duskamethyst © 2020 • do not modify, translate or repost anywhere.

[jjuzoir]

Random Kageyama Tobio HCS

Word Count: 1851

Warnings: just... me being in love with a m*n other than masumi 😔 also! these are my headcanons as in,,, what i personally i think he’d be like ‼️ also me projecting my ideal man into him (as if he wasn’t it already 😋)

A/N: i... i love tobio so much it’s literally unreal... i couldn’t wait for a request (i’m still working on the remaining 4 too lolol) so take me projecting my love for tobio >:(

— Kageyama normally wears loose fitting clothes or athletic-style clothing. His favorite go to outfits tends to be a loose tee, some loose pants with an obnoxious Nike logo he swears are super cool but look like two garbage bags sewed together, and running shoes. Throw a hoodie in there for colder weather, even then he still manages to look good.

— He takes very good care of his hair, like freaky good care, because of Miwa. Once she enrolled in cosmetology school and she saw Kageyama use the same baby shampoo from when they were kids she freaked out (if she’d been any later he’d start using 3-in-1) and chewed his ear off about hair care. His hair is super shiny and there’s literally no freeze, he uses nice smelling shampoo and conditioner too. Ugh, I love him.

— He has a very sensitive nose but it gets clogged easily so he doesn’t notice much unless it miraculously unclogs itself and he’s complaining about everything.

— “Eh! Hinata, why’d you smell like a fucking axe bottle?!” “Why does no one say anything about Tsukishima smelling like strawberries?” “Yamaguchi smells like... milk.” “Hah?! Sugawara smells bad-?!”

— He says he’s a picky eater to appear cool but as long as you don’t say what’s in the food he’ll down it. He’ll say he doesn’t like carrots but if you give him a salad with carrots he might even say “it’s the best salad he’s ever had”.

— He’s a hot sleeper, and not in the “oh he’s sexy” type of way. I’m talking, he’ll sweat buckets if he sleeps with anything other than a flimsy white t-shirt and his underwear.

— Might be me projecting my love for bunny teeth but he has bunny teeth, his front teeth are a bit bigger than average (not to the point it’s super noticeable but it’s still something Miwa teased him about), his aunties probably squeezed his cheeks and called him “baby bunny” when he was younger.

— He doesn’t go to sleep later than 9PM, he thinks if he does it’ll ruin his schedule (which it will) and fuck up his body - he’s seen Miwa screw up hers after she pulled a bunch of all nighters in her third year in high school and has been afraid since.

— The type to forget people were coming over and come out of his room shirtless asking for his clean underwear.

— His sister forced him to let her cut and style his hair which led to many questionable hairstyles. Tsukishima is genuinely so grateful to Miwa, especially when she was first starting - he’s got some pictures of Tobio with the shortest most embarrassing bangs ever saved in his phone in a file for blackmail if the need for it ever presented itself.

— Likes pissing people off on purpose sometimes, during one of the training camps he probably walked into the bath with socks on and was made fun of but out of spite he just… never took them off. Said he’d done it on purpose and all too. Tanaka cried out of fear for like a hot minute when he saw him standing under the shower with Iron Man socks on.

— He’s so petty too, if you make fun of him for messing up he’ll remember until you embarrass yourself to make fun of you. And when I say he remembers, I mean it - he can’t for his life remember when to use make and do in english but he remembers when Hinata made fun of him for wearing different socks back on their first year and yes he will bring it up on their second year when he did the same thing what are you going to do about it?

— Probably got scouted for a modeling agency once and began running away because he thought they were trying to kidnap him.

— If he had Tiktok… he would’ve gone viral after posting a video of him practicing, he posted for a while for fun and to flex on people that he was hot but then he saw a comment saying they wanted to drink his milk under a video of him drinking milk and he deleted his account, he can’t buy from that brand for a while.

— He’s got a video of a gorilla walking in two legs saved on his phone for when he’s feeling down and watches it whenever he’s not going well. People think he’s texting his S/O but no, he’s just watching a gorilla walk like minecraft Steve.

— He can’t pose for pictures to save his life, his default pose is an NPC stance with his arms stiffly hanging down and his eyes wide in surprise, don’t ask him to smile or else he will look like a serial killer.

— He’s got a bit of baby fat on his cheeks that won’t disappear no matter what. It’s become a pre-game ritual to pinch his cheeks. He’s also got dimples you can really only see when he smiles naturally but he doesn’t know and he’d get shy if he knew and try covering his face so don’t tell him, that’s a fact he told me so himself.

— Cannot dance to save his life. He’s so long (?) his limb control is non-existent, it appears in game and vanishes when he steps out of the court. He really just bounces on his heels and moves his arms like a t-rex, don’t ask more of him.

— Buys his clothes one size bigger just in case and Miwa teases him saying he’ll need them when he gets old and fat.

— Gets asked out often but always rejects, then has the audacity to complain he’s never dated anyone like he hasn’t turned down half of the school's population.

— Can’t sing. He’s got a nice speaking voice but ask him to sing and he’s out of tone, out of sync, out of breath, and out of the room in 5 seconds.

— Sugawara joked about having him singing as his alarm clock and Kageyama actually believed him, probably sent him a new recording as a gift after he annoyed him during practice.

— Surprisingly funny when he wants to but most jokes fly over people’s heads since he seems so serious most of the time, it annoys him to no end. Yachi still struggles differentiating when he is and isn’t joking because his tone literally doesn’t change at all and she doesn’t want to offend him.

— When he was younger he liked to collect rocks, not even the pretty ones he’d pick the most average, raggedy rocks off the ground and clean them up and tuck them to bed because he saw Miwa play with her barbies like that. Still owns his first rock, he named it “Johnson” after Dwayne Johnson, aka the rock (he’s had to explain it so many times he’s exhausted).

— Accidentally drank expired milk once and didn’t notice until his stomach began hurting and he thought he became lactose intolerant and he was inconsolable for days until he realized it had expired like a month ago - he went on a milk shopping spree and the milk sales that week saw a 20% rise from the last few months.

— Tobio had bad handwriting until he was in Junior High because his teachers couldn’t understand him and had him practice calligraphy, his handwriting is now one of the prettiest ones in the team and he’s the official inker of the VBC posters (as designated by Goddess Yachi Hitoka herself).

— His biggest fear for a long time was getting eaten by piranhas because he saw it happen so often in cartoon shows he genuinely thought it was going to be a bigger deal than it turned out to be but for like a solid 6 years of his life he avoided suspicions puddles just in case.

— Kageyama has a habit of rolling and unrolling his sleeves when he’s deep in thought, it soon made way to a habit of checking his wrist watch (he absolutely has a wrist watch, you cannot change my mind on that) but not actually reading it.

— His nails are very pretty, like most setters, he takes very good care of them. They’re filed down to a perfect length and he puts oils and creams, his hands in general are so nice. He takes a lot of pride in them, you know his cuticles are pushed back and trimmed and he could absolutely be a hand model. Kags’ hands are calloused, he’s a volleyball player of course they are, but it’s not to the extent of Ushijima or Daichi’s hands.

— Talking about hands, it’s probably one of his favorite features on people. He loves holding hands with his S/O and tracing the wrinkles in their palm, being able to interlock fingers with them and feel the bumps in them.

— Mumbles to himself when in thought too! Very nonsensical if you’re not informed on what he’s thinking about, if he’s thinking about you he’ll mumble your name or something like “pretty eyes”.

— Has a very healthy diet, like extremely healthy and thought out. He won’t eat anything too sugary or that could throw off his body, but he does have cheat days (which are rare but exist). He also doesn’t drink much soda or alcohol (once he’s of age).

— Things like smoking are a big no, he takes so much care of his body he wouldn’t even touch a cigarette or be near a smoking area, lowkey paranoid of ingesting the smoke too.

— When he’s older I can see him having a dog and a cat, the dog would be a big dog; if they stood on two paws it’d be the same height as you, he’d name or something like Tobias and think he was super clever and funny, the cat would probably a small cat he’d name Milk (it probably would be a black cat too but he does not care).

— Probably tried baby formula because he heard it was a substitute for breast milk. No further comments on this.

— I feel like he doesn’t listen to music, but if he had to choose something he’d pick instrumental music - not orchestral music or anything like that - but more of a chill, no deep meaning just guitar and piano track. I could see him listening to Shego Sekito or Joe Hisashi on occasion, he might even listen to some 2000’s pop if he wants something to pump him up during training (he works out to Brittney Spears’ “Womanizer”).

— A cuddle-bug when he’s sleepy, he’ll throw himself across his S/O and not move at all, he just wants to stay there and not move ever again (or at least until he’s not feeling like passing out). He’ll like to wrap himself around them and cuddle their neck, he’ll attach himself to their arm like it’s a lifeline.

— In other words, Kageyama Tobio… b-boyfriend material.

[twink-appreciation-posts]

Needs and Wants - Spencer Reid x Reader

chapter six of “all bets are off”

um. so. spencer is the best fuck you've ever had. also cumming too many times can hurt. who knew?

warnings: SMUT SMUT SMUT, degradation, daddy kinky, spanking, overstimulation, the WORKS. im mildly apologetic.

When you awoke in the morning you heard the noise of static cracking on the other side of your phone. Reaching for it, you immediately noticed it was hot to the touch. Had it been on all night? Had Spencer never hung up?

“Reid?” You questioned groggily.

“You slept quite late.”

You groaned. “Why are you still here?”

“I… I don’t know.” He seemed confused by his own actions. “I guess I just felt strange hanging up.”

“Well. I should probably get dressed, I’m supposed to meet up with a friend for dinner.” You checked the time. “Oh. Fuck. I really did sleep for too long.” You sprung out of bed, rifling through your closet. “What have you been up to today though?”

“Mostly just reading. I slept in a bit late as well.” You could hear his smile through the phone. You occasionally had contact with Spencer outside of work, but not very often. It was nice. “What time is your dinner?”

“Six! It’s just an old friend from college,” you explained, sighing.

“Not excited?” He questioned, an air of humor to his voice.

“I just don’t know what to wear,” you chuckled.

Spencer went quiet on the other end. “You know that one black shirt you have?” He questioned.

You tilted your head a bit. “I have a lot of black shirts, Spence. You gotta be more specific. Wait- did you use your freaky memory to memorize the contents of my closet?”

“It’s not freaky, but yes. And it wasn’t fully intentional.” A pause. “I’m talking about the one with the lace. It’s… like a tank top.” You scanned through your clothes.

“Is it the velvet one?” You asked, noticing a pattern.

“Yeah. That one.”

“You have a thing for velvet, don’t you?” You giggled, remembering his fingers running over the fabric of the dress you had worn a few days prior.

“Maybe I do.”

You took the shirt off the hanger and examined it. Not a bad choice. “Any suggestions for the bottom half, sir?” You teased.

Spencer inhaled loudly. Hah. For once you were the one to catch him off guard. “Well, my first instinct is one of those skirts you like to wear when the team goes out together, with nothing else on underneath, of course.” You opened your mouth to argue. “But I wouldn’t want to risk giving anyone a peek of what’s mine. A skirt would still look nice, though.” He finished.

You rolled your eyes. “So shorts, then.” You said, grabbing a skirt. Why would you want to give him any more confidence of the control he had over you? The skirt had been a good idea, but you didn’t have to be totally honest, right?

Spencer chuckled. “Have you always been so petty?” He questioned.

“Have you always been such a sexual deviant?” You fired back.

“Touché, y/n. Touché.”

You and Spencer hung up a few minutes later since you had dinner plans to make. They weren’t anything special but you valued being punctual. The dinner went well enough, at least in the beginning. The “old friend” you were meeting up with was just a guy you were friends with in college. Your mistake, you would later learn, was deciding that it would be cute to take some pictures for Instagram. They were totally innocent, of course, but within a few minutes of posting them, you got a text message from the one and only Spencer Reid. You told your friend it was a “work thing”, not a total lie, and examined.

‘You wore the skirt’

You chuckled at your phone. ‘I did.’

‘Did you take my advice and wear nothing underneath?’

‘No, because I’m not crazy.’ You rolled your eyes a bit.

‘I’m sure your friend would’ve liked it.’

Before you could reply another text came through. ‘When are you planning on being finished with that friend, by the way?’

‘I’m not sure. Why? Something you’re looking forward to?’

‘Just trying to figure out if I’m going to get to leave bruises on that pretty little neck of yours tonight or tomorrow.’

Another text. Damn, he was a fast typer.

‘I wonder what your friend would’ve thought of that? Maybe you should schedule another dinner with him after I’ve absolutely ruined you. Let him see what a pathetic slut you are for me.’

You glanced up at your friend and back at your phone. Was Spencer seriously doing this right now? “Sorry,” you mumbled an apology across the table. “Working in the FBI can be annoying.”

‘Why are you doing this?’ You typed out.

‘Doing what? Getting you all needy and wet while you’re on your dinner date? Because I can.’

‘You think I’m enjoying this?’

‘I know you are. I bet your thighs are pressed together, I bet your face is bright red. Have you told your friend what you’re texting about?’

‘You make a lot of assumptions, Spencer.’

‘If you weren’t enjoying this, y/n, you would’ve stopped replying a long time ago. What was it you said last night? You need me? Don’t you need me to fuck you? I could’ve been fucking you right now, you know. Could’ve had your face pressed down into the mattress, or maybe I could’ve bent you right over your kitchen counter..’

You weren’t even sure how long you had been on your phone at this point. You felt bad but… fuck. What exactly were you supposed to do in this situation? “Listen I, um,” you began to stutter out. “You know how the BAU is, always calling me in at odd hours, and I uh,” you began to stutter out excuses as your phone dinged over and over again.

‘I wish I could see how flustered you are right now.’ ‘I wonder if you’re thinking about getting on your knees for me..’ ‘Maybe about how badly you want to know how my cock feels inside of you.’

Your friend got the gist of it. You had to go because of “work”. You paid the tab, exiting the restaurant as casually as you possibly could. You texted as you walked back to your car.

‘If you wanted to ruin my night, you’ve successfully done it. I’ll be at my apartment in 20.’

You turned off your phone, shoving it into your purse and ignoring the incessant chimes of text notifications, finding your way home. A few minutes after you had settled, you heard a knock at your door. You braced yourself, pulling it open. “Spencer.” You smiled. “What a surprise.” He didn’t respond, eyes scanning your figure. “So,” you continued. “Do you wanna tell me why you decided to bombard me with text messages during my lovely evening out?” You raised a brow.

He considered your question, fidgeting with his hands. “When you told me that you were seeing a friend I didn’t realize you meant..”

“What, a guy?” You chuckled. “Was I supposed to inform you of his gender beforehand?”

Spencer shook his head. “No. I just hate imagining all of the things that must have been running through his head about you.”

You rolled your eyes. “Not that it matters, but it’s not like that. He’s a friend.”

“Oh, I know. It’s not you I’m worried about. I mean, I doubt he could fuck you half as well as I could anyway, but he’s probably been fantasizing about you all night.” A bold statement indeed.

You just laughed. “I think maybe you’re projecting, buddy. You’re the one who blew up my phone and forced me to come home.”

“Forced? Unless my memory is somehow mistaken, I think you’re the one who made that decision.”

“Are you here to argue semantics with me or-“ He cut you off.

“And to your earlier point,” he took a step towards you. “I have no need to project. I’m the one who’s going to get to see you all bruised up and begging for my cock, aren’t I?”There it was. The switch. You had been waiting, waiting for the moment where he got annoyed with you. You opened your mouth, ready to push him even further over the edge. “I’d watch what you say now, little girl. I’m already planning on making sure you regret all the teasing you’ve done the past few days, don’t add insult to injury.”

He really had an issue with teasing, huh? Good. Easier to rile him up. “Is this where you start the whole training thing you were going on about yesterday? You gonna teach me some tricks? And if so, do I at least get some treats if I’m good?” You questioned, going directly against his words of warning. You were watching him closely, wanting to see him seethe. You felt a wave of confusion pass you over as he seemed unfazed, unfortunately maintaining composure. In fact, he stepped forward and closed the gap between your bodies, placing his hands on the hem of your skirt, fingers dancing along it.

“Are you done?” He asked, eyes not leaving yours.

You looked up at him, mind going blank. “Um. No. Fuck you.” You spat out quickly, a last-ditch effort to get more of a reaction out of him.

“Right. I’m not sure what I expected from such a useless little slut. You just can’t help yourself, can you?” Spencer mumbled. In one swift motion he was pulling your skirt down and watching it pool at your feet. He was kissing you just a moment later, hands holding your face firmly in place. You would’ve fought for control, but you could already tell it would be a futile effort. His fingers were digging into your skull, tangling in your hair, and his lips were relentless, barely giving either of you room to breathe. You could feel it now, though. The anger you had been working so hard to trigger was coming out in full force. When he eventually pulled away his hands moved from your head to your breasts, swirling around the lace and velvet that covered them. You were panting, watching him, the way his fingers flexed and his eyes followed his own movements. “You’re so pretty, it really is a shame you can’t behave yourself.” He pulled the shirt over your head, leaving you exposed.

He leaned down and began to assault your chest with his tongue, one of his hands shoving your panties to the side and inserting two fingers into your pussy without warning. Your hand flew to your mouth, attempting to stifle the embarrassingly loud moan that he had caused. He didn’t take it slow at all, no, he started off at a brutal pace, as if his mission was to get you to cum as quickly as possible. If that had been his mission, he was succeeding. Before you had a chance to tell him that you were close his lips were at your neck, biting hard enough that you were sure that makeup wouldn’t cover the aftermath. “Cum for me, slut. It’s not hard to tell that you’re close already. So fucking needy for me, all you do is fight me but look how easily you crumble. There’s no hesitation when my fingers are inside of you, huh?” You couldn’t reply even if you had wanted too, you were too busy struggling to keep yourself standing as your orgasm washed over you. Spencer helped, a hand behind you to keep you stable, but you were still shaking. “Good girl. Let’s see, how many more of those do we have left.” You looked at him with confusion. “Well, I’d say we have one from at the club, when you let your hand wander,” his fingers hadn’t let up, still pumping in and out of you. You were trying your best to focus on his words, but it was proving to be a difficult task. “Another from that night, how you touched yourself right where I could hear,” You wanted to argue or say anything really, but your voice was too busy moaning and whimpering as his thumb moved onto your clit. “One from earlier today, especially after that little stunt you pulled on Instagram. And at least one more for the show you just put on before I shut you up.” You were close again. Fuck. It was too close together. Too much stimulation. “What do you think, baby? Does 4 sound good? We can make it 3 right now if you cum for me.” He said ‘if’ like it was an option for you, but it was far from it. You moaned his name, probably loud enough to alert your neighbors, as your second orgasm arrived. “Fuck, oh my god, Spencer. Fuck.” You panted out, legs giving out beneath you. He chuckled, holding you up on his own and finally removing his fingers from inside of you. “Good girl. So good for me.” He praised, allowing you to catch your breath. He picked you up now, taking you to your bed, and gently placing you down. You watched as he began to pull off layers of clothing. You didn’t think you could get any more turned on than you already were but seeing Spencer undress definitely did it. You couldn’t peel your eyes away. He left his boxers on, his dick straining against them.

He moved onto the bed, hovering over you. You prepared yourself for him to kiss you again but instead he spoke, brushing a hair out of your face. “The only words I want to hear coming out of that filthy little mouth of yours from now on are ‘yes, daddy’. Do you understand?”

You gulped. Yes. You understood. But were you actually going to-

His had went to your throat, not applying pressure. A warning.

“Yes, daddy.”

“Good girl.” He flipped you over onto your stomach, inhaling sharply. He moved his hands underneath your hips, picking them up so that your ass was displayed.

“Look at you,” he tugged your panties down your thighs, hands skimming over the skin. “Such a perfect little toy for me. So eager to be fucked.”

You squirmed, his hands being so close to where you desperately wanted them.

“Do you want this, baby?” He asked, his hand coming down on your ass. It stung, but only for a moment. Not his full force, you could tell, but it was enough to get you to squeal. “Y-Yes, daddy.” You spoke softly. You felt his hand leave your skin and braced yourself for it to return. It did, of course, but much harder this time. You flinched a bit but Spencer held you in place. “Look at you, such a fast learner.” He cooed, another blow landing on your ass. It hurt. You knew that. But you found yourself prioritizing the pleasure in your mind. “You said that you wanted bruises that lasted for weeks, right?” He asked, hand coming down again. The pain began to become ever-more present, even when his hand wasn’t on your skin you could feel the sting from the cool air. He repeated the process a few times, mumbling words of praise in between. Tears began to spill from your eyes when he was finished. Without his hand to support you, you crumbled back down on the bed, laying on your stomach. Spencer flipped you over gently, watching the tears flow. “Good girl,” he praised, wiping a few of them away. “Such a perfect little slut for daddy. You did so well.” You found yourself relishing in the praise up in a way you hadn’t before. “T-Thank you, daddy.” You breathed out shakily. Spencer smiled at you and began to spread your legs apart gently. “But you’re not done yet, are you baby?”

Your eyes widened at the reminder. It seemed impossible. You weren’t sure your body would even be able to take it. You began to protest, but your words were cut short as he began to trail kisses down your body. He didn’t waste much time on his way to your pussy, tongue grazing your clit. “Oh, fuck..” your back arched instinctively. Encouraged by your reaction, Spencer began to roll his tongue over your clit and then down towards your entrance, moving his face and tongue at a slow pace. You watched, his hair falling onto your thighs and tickling them gently. “F-Fuck, keep going. Please.” You whined. He chuckled against you, speeding up his pace. Both of his hands were planted on your thighs, keeping them spread for easier access. His tongue worked against you harshly. Demanding. He was exploring, making sure to taste every inch of you, moving like he wouldn’t be satisfied until he had. You felt a familiar knot begin to form in your stomach, your hips bucking up towards his face. He moved one of his hands to your stomach, pressing down firmly, pinning your body down to the mattress. “Daddy, fuck, I’m gonna cum. I-I’m so close. You feel so fucking good. Fuck. So good, so good, so-“ And there it was, your 3rd orgasm of the night. Your vision became blurry, you were barely even aware of the fact that Spencer had gotten fully naked until a few moments later when you were coming back down to Earth.

“You’ve been such a good girl for me, baby. Only two more. You can do two more, can’t you?” You were weak. You guessed 3 orgasms and some spanking would do that to someone, but your body still ached for him. He approached you, his hand moving to slide your legs apart once again. You whimpered in anticipation. “Beg for me, baby. Tell daddy how badly you need him.” His voice was low, commanding.

“Please Spencer, fuck, I need it. I need to feel you inside of me. It’s all I’ve been able to think about all day, please. I want you to ruin me. You need to ruin me, please.”

Spencer seemed content with your response because after a few moments he was pushing himself inside of you, releasing a string of curses from his mouth as he did. The intrusion was piercing as he split you open, your eyes rolling back into your skull. Fuck. Yes. This was what you needed. “You’re so wet and tight for me baby.” Spencer groaned, slowly pulling out and pushing himself back in. “So fucking good. Such a good little fucktoy.” He began to find a rhythm, his hips snapping into yours aggressively. The noise of his skin meeting yours filled the room, broken only by the moans that were tumbling out of you uncontrollably now. After all of the overstimulation you had already been through, your fourth orgasm built up quickly. “No one else can make you feel like this, isn’t that right baby? Fuck. No one else can make you cum like I can.”

He was right. He was fucking right. Out of every sexual encounter you had ever had... this one stood miles above.

“No one.” You agreed. “No one else. No one but you.” Your words were coming out barely comprehendible. “Fuck. Please no more,” you began to whine, your release catching up to you. Spencer reached up, closing a hand around your neck to silence you. “Shh baby, just cum for me. Cum for me, come on. You’re so close.” Tears began to flow again as your 4th climax ripped through you, every single one of your nerves on fire. You felt like you were being torn apart. Your tears clouded your vision, but it hardly mattered. You were seeing stars. You could hear, somewhere in the distance, it felt like, Spencer praising you, his hand releasing your neck. You gasped for air, panting, and sputtering.

One more. One more. One more.

“Fuck, Spence, I can’t.” You sobbed, “I can’t.” You repeated. “You can and you will.” He replied, voice shaking. He was close too. You could tell. His thrusts were becoming more sporadic, more frantic. “You’ve been so fucking good for me, baby. Keep going.” Fuck. When your vision returned you saw him, sweat dripping down his body, his hair matted down, and you could feel yourself clench around him. Your body ached, but you could still feel it approaching. “F-Fuck. Fuck. I..” you were a mess, whimpering, shaking, all because of Spencer Reid. “I know baby. Cum with me. I wanna feel you cum around my cock.” Spencer groaned, and you didn’t have the strength left in you to fight. Your body was set aflame as you came, feeling the warmth of his own climax as well. You were panting, grasping at consciousness and you came down. Somewhere in your brain, you processed Spencer getting off of the bed. When your mind came back to you you sat up, sweat dripping down your forehead.

“Spencer..” you said softly, watching as he pulled back on his shirt. “That was...”

He nodded, lost in thought.

“Are you okay?” You asked, frowning.

“I’m fine. Just thinking about how you’re gonna hide those hickeys on Monday.”

You touched your hand to your neck. “Oh. Yeah. That might be an issue.”

You got ready to hop off the bed, but a wave of pain rushed over you. Too soon to start moving again.

“Don’t strain yourself,” Spencer’s voice was sweet now, laced with concern. “I’ll go get you some Advil or something. You have some right?” You nodded. “I can run a bath if you want, too.”

“That would be great. Thanks.” You smiled weakly.

As left the room your phone dinged, alerting you of a text message from Garcia.

‘Girls night tomorrow!! You can’t say no, Emily and JJ already said yes.’

Fuck.

taglist <3

@101donuts @annestine @spideyboix @babybloomer @welcome-to-hoeville @eldahae

[originalhybridloverfics]

Don’t Give up Now - Ch 1

A/N: There's chapter is mainly Serkan-Centric.

I apologize for medical inaccuracies. I suck at research.

Eda stepped out onto the terrace, she wore a floor-length purple gown, her hair was curled and swept over one shoulder. She was at a charity gala that Efe’s company was having to support scholarships and education for young women in today’s world.

After finding out that Serkan had kept so vital of a secret from her, Eda could no longer trust him and left for Italy. She finished her school work. Efe came to her graduation. They celebrated with dinner and caught up with one another.

At the end of the night, Efe offered her a job with his architect firm and Eda gladly accepted. She did not want to return to Turkey. She didn’t think she could handle being close to Serkan or run the risk of seeing him or working with him because they would be in the same field.

Eda started to build a life for herself in Italy far away from the heartbreak and betrayal she experienced. While she missed her aunt and the girls her new life was good.

She loved her job, she loved Italy. She was excited about where her life was heading, the only dark cloud was whenever she thought of Serkan.

She hated to admit that she thought of him often. Too often.

She looked up at the night sky, eyes shining brightly. The stars were out and they never failed to make her think of Serkan.

Her smile faded, she crossed her arms over herself.

She resented that she sometimes wondered how Serkan was doing. Had he moved on with his life? Was he happy now? Did he ever think of her? Did he miss her?

“Eda!”

Eda turned to see Efe waving her over, he was surrounded by a group of people.

She forced a smile, putting her thoughts of the past and Serkan behind her, and rejoined the party.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ 

Serkan rubbed a hand down his face, once again he stayed late at the office. Working himself to the point of exhaustion. He was so tired, his body ached and he felt like he barely had the energy to leave his office and go home.

He contemplated just crashing on the sofa but his body already hurt. He didn’t want to deal with more aches and pains.

He should have seen his doctor about the headaches he been experiencing but he couldn’t. Maybe it was his way of punishing himself.

He knew on some level that there was something wrong with him but maybe the pain, the suffering he was experiencing was his way of seeking penance for ruining everything he touched.

For breaking the one woman he ever loved.

Serkan pushed up from his chair, he grabbed his jacket from the back of it, slipping it back on, and headed out.

He started down the stairs, stopping when he felt dizzy, and reached for the banister but missed and went sideways.

It happened at once, he lost control of his balance and toppled forward, falling down the stairs his leg twisted, he landed on his hand and his head slammed against the unforgiving floor.

He heard a scream and a flash of red hair, running toward him before everything went black.

When Serkan awoke again, the lights were bright, white walls surrounded him, there was the strong smell of disinfectant cleaners.

He jerked back as the light was shined in his eyes.

“Mr. Bolat, do you know where you are?”

His eyes shot to the voice. A doctor stood over him, shining a light in his eye, looking concerned.

“The hospital,” he answered. “How did I get here? The last thing I remember was being at the office.”

“You had a fall, lucky for you, your co-worker was working late as well. She called an ambulance and you were brought here.”

Serkan opened his mouth to ask who when suddenly his stomach churned violently, bile rose up, he lurched forward and the doctor barely avoided being covered in projectile vomit.

Serkan coughed and sputtered wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand, face scrunching in disgust. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be, I’ll have the nurse get you some water to rinse your mouth out with. It’s very likely you have a concussion but I want to rule out anything serious so I am going to have you sent up for a few tests.”

“Why? I’m fine.” Serkan protested.

“Mr. Bolat when you fell, you didn’t just twist your ankle or land on your wrist, you smacked your head. Head injuries are dangerous and should always be taken seriously. We will run a test and if all looks well we will send you on your way. For now just rest, a nurse will be with you in a minute.”

Serkan opened his mouth to argue that he did not need any unnecessary tests. He just wanted to leave and be left alone but his head was throbbing beyond belief. The words died on the tip of his tongue. Instead, he shut his eyes against the pain.

When he opened them again the doctor was gone. He sighed irritably and leaned his head back against the propped up hospital pillow behind him.

It was almost two hours later before the doctor's personnel staff were all done with his test. Piril had been in and out of the room. She had been the one to call the ambulance. Out of respect to Serkan, she had called no one and told them what happened but refused to leave Serkan alone.

Serkan was annoyed but he knew she did it because she cared and Piril like himself did not show her emotions well.

Piril stepped out of the room when the doctor returned, giving Serkan the privacy to talk to the doctors alone.  

“Mr. Bolat, your test came back and the good news is that you only have a mild concussion, nothing to be concerned about, unfortunately. It’s the only good news I have for you.”

“What are you talking about?” Serkan asked, wondering what else could be wrong. He was fine. He was always fine.

“Our scans show you have a tumor. The tumor appears to be rather large and is pressing down on your occipital lobe. Tell me, Mr. Bolat. Have you been experiencing headaches, nose bleeds, nausea, seizures, blurred vision, loss of consciousness, balance, confusion…”

Serkan’s vision narrowed down, and the doctor’s voice suddenly felt like it was traveling down a tunnel.

A brain tumor. He had a tumor. How was this possible?

“It’s important that you understand your diagnosis and start treatment immediately. Depending on the type of tumor and the placement, it could be very aggressive and dangerous.”

“I want to leave,” Serkan said abruptly as a coldness swept over him.

“I will have your release papers drawn up along with everything you need to know about your condition. I will set an appointment up for you with the head of our neurologist and oncology departments. I will have everything fax over to your primary doctor. I promise you will get the best care we have to offer.”

Serkan said nothing and when the doctor realized he wasn’t going to, he stepped out of the room.

20 minutes later Serkan was in the passenger seat of Piril’s car and she was driving him home.

“Is everything okay, Serkan?” Piril asked when she pulled up outside his place. “You haven’t spoken since we left the hospital. Was the news bad?”

Serkan looked at Piril, he hadn’t yet fully come to terms with what his doctor had told him and he decided now was not the time to discuss it until he fully understood what his condition was.

“I’ll be okay,” He said. He held tightly to the papers the doctor had given him, keeping them out of Piril’s view. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Thank you, Piril. Good night.”

“Good night, Serkan.” Piril nodded, out of concern she waited till he was inside before driving away, hoping everything was okay.

Serkan was greeted by Sirius who whined at his feet until Serkan sat down and the dog could settle its head on Serkan’s knee.

Serkan smiled a barely-there smile, rubbing the top of Sirius' head, and scratching behind his ears and the back of his neck. After a moment, Serkan turned his attention to the papers the doctor had given him, detailing his prognosis, symptoms, and treatments and the stages, and what to expect.

Serkan was feeling lost by the time he was done reading, he twirled the ring on his finger. Eda’s ring.

Eda.

He missed her and he needed her desperately more than ever.

He pushed off the couch, deciding to turn in for the night, he had work tomorrow and then his doctor appointments in the afternoon. For now, he would keep his condition to himself until he learned from the neurologist what can be done to stop the tumor in its tracks.

He was at work the next morning before anyone else even got to the office. He couldn’t sleep the night before and thought he would be more productive at his office working than at home doing nothing.

Piril said nothing about his accident and he appreciated that she did not tell Engin. He wasn’t ready for anyone to know about the problems with his health. He wasn’t even sure if he would tell anyone. He worried about telling his mother.

It was easier to think about others than himself. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do. Where did he go from here?

The day bled together until he got an appointment reminder from his phone, he stood in the middle of a meeting, apologizing but telling everyone the meeting had to be rescheduled for another time because he had another meeting to get to.

“Serkan Bey!”

Serkan almost out the door but he stopped and answered in a tired sigh. “Yes, Leila?”

“I don’t have any other meetings on your schedule,” she said in protest. “Did I make a mistake?”

“No,” Serkan shook his head. “This is a personal meeting. Nothing to do with work. I’ll be back shortly. Field my calls until I return.”

He didn’t wait for her reply before exiting the building and heading for his car.

He was almost to the hospital when his vision blurred, a car honked suddenly. He swerved, narrowly missing smashing into another car.

He quickly pulled over, and pressed his forehead to the steering wheel, breathing deeply.

He shut his eyes tightly and felt a pounding at the back of his skull. It hurt but he breathed through it.

He waited until his head stopped hurting, his vision was still a little blurred when he opened his eyes so he waited and waited until finally, it didn’t seem as bad.

It was almost 15 minutes later before he felt he was ready to pull on the road again.

He arrived at his appointment late, his doctor was unbothered by this but wanted to start running a more thorough test immediately.

Serkan realizing this could take longer than he was expecting called Leila and told her he would be gone for the rest of the day and to reschedule everything on his calendar for today for a later date.

Serkan spent what felt like days but was really only hours being poked and prodded, having test after test done.

He was beyond annoyed with it all and was relieved when the doctor finally sat down to give him his results. However, his relief was short-lived.

He had an aggressive tumor, pressing on his occipital lobe and without treatment, it would get larger. There were a few options available to him, surgery, radiation, chemotherapy. The placement and the size of the tumor made surgery tricky and there was a likelihood that complications would arise. Radiation and Chemo could shrink the tumor but again it could cause further complications. There was no guarantee the treatment would work.

Serkan’s condition was advanced, his chances were lower than the doctor liked. He was in for a long hard battle.

The doctor suggests Serkan go home, take a few days and then they would come up with a treatment plan best suited for him.

Serkan nodded. He knew he should feel something, fear, grief, sadness, anger, something but his emotions felt far away. Almost like he was out of his body and could no longer feel what he was supposed to feel.

He walked out and headed down to the lobby, he was about to step out of the elevator when he changed his mind about leaving so soon.

Instead, he walked up to the receptionist and asked. “Hi, I’m looking for the Oncology floor?”

“Fifth floor.” The reception told him with a sympathetic smile.

Serkan got back on the elevator and took it to the fifth floor.

He walked down the halls, peering inside the rooms, he wanted to look and see what the next few months had in store for him and he wished he hadn’t.

Every room was filled with sickness, suffering, pain. Pale patients lying in beds with no energy, looking like they would rather be dead than alive. Some tossing and turning, crying out in pain, others throwing up in bens, spewing bile everywhere on the nurse in the room, their hospital gowns, and the floor.

However, it wasn’t seeing all that that had him backing away a pit forming in his stomach, his heart growing heavy. It was seeing the loved ones in the room, looking hopeless to help, the grief and sadness in their eyes, their faces twisted in early grief.

How could he possibly put his mother through that? How could he make her watch him suffer for something that might not even work? He didn’t want his mother’s last memories of him to be of a sick man fighting what cannot be defeated.

He turned walking away swiftly. He found his way to the surgical recovery floor.

He looked into the rooms, he found one recovering from brain surgery. There was a young woman in the room, crying and clinging to his hand as if her life depended on it. He couldn’t hear what she was saying but the grief bled through her as she sobs at the man’s bedside.  

“Can I help you, sir?”

Serkan turned to see an older doctor standing a few feet behind him. “I..uh..no, I was visiting a friend but he’s not doing good. I just went for a walk-”

“Say no more,” the man said sympathetically. “It’s never easy seeing a friend or loved one like this. We do what we can to help but sometimes it’s not enough. Take this man for instance,” the doctor indicated to the man through the window Serkan was in front of. “He had a brain hemorrhage, we took him into surgery but the brain is a tricky thing, though we stopped the bleeding it was too late. He has no brain activity and now all we can do now is give his family the time to say goodbye before-”

“I’m sorry. I have to go.” Serkan said abruptly. He couldn’t hear any more. He had to get away. The hospital walls with its sadness, illness, pain, grief, suffering was closing in on him. He needed to get out. He couldn’t breathe.

Was this how Eda felt every time she had a panic attack? Or his mother when she tried to go outside before she overcame her fear?

He left the hospital quickly, retreating to his car, he waited until his panic subsided before pulling back out on the road.

He did not go back to work. He made the drive to his mother’s. She was outside in the garden with Seyfi. She looked to be in the middle of planning one of her galas for her foundation.

She was going through folders, smiling as she said something to Seyfi who nodded jotting down what she said on a tablet.

Seyfi looked up by chance and smiled. “Mr. Serkan.”

His mother got to her feet, her smile wide. She moved forward to embrace him, he met her halfway.

His mother pulled back with a smile. “This is a surprise. I thought you would be at work.” she frowned suddenly. “Is there something wrong? A crisis?”

“No, nothing of the sort.” he lied, he did not want to take her good mood away. “I skipped lunch. I thought we could go out and eat at your favorite cafe by the riverfront.”

Aydan smiled wide. “Really? Yes, I would like that very much.”

Seyfi went to get her things and half an hour later, Serkan, Aydan, and Seyfi were seated at her favorite cafe.

Serkan took in his mother’s face as she enjoyed being out and experiencing everything first hand and just enjoying life, the smile that radiated from her because they were sharing something as simple as a meal lit up the whole cafe.

Aydan had such a love and hunger to enjoy life to the fullest since recovering from her condition that Serkan knew he couldn’t take that happiness from her.

He couldn’t tell her about his illness and he would not put her through the pain, the likelihood that he would survive even with treatment was low and he would not put her through the suffering of watching him die slowly in agony, fighting a war that could not be won.

No, he would not get treatment. He would let things run their course, spend what time he had left with his loved ones and the people closest to him,  enjoying what time he had left in this world.

A/N: Thanks for reading. I promise more Eda in the next chapter, along with Edser scenes.

[multmilk]

summary: just tae as a college student and plant mom on the side. also slow burn & sexy times :)

genre: smut & fluff !!

warnings: um dirty talk? bit of curse words? smut lol 

au/prompt: college!au, bestfriendtolovers!au

word count: 2818

not proofread, sorry!! wrote this in one seating hehehehe 

 i think Taehyung would be the kind of guy who’d wanna purse arts and/or fashion but he’d go for something a little more prAcTIcaL

introducing, Kim Taehyung of Daegu, 24, major in business

 he’d want his own business someday, just not quite sure what it’d be

 anyways, even being a sophomore at college, he’d have girls and boys feigning over him because he’s just famous for a lot things

 one of which is his looks

 another being the cute barista at your local café

and the one who sings at bars every weekend

he’s just very popular and everyone adored him

but he isn’t the f boy type of popular, though many people did want to sleep with him, he just politely declines them

not saying he doesn’t get action though noPE he’d have sex occasionally when his schedule allows him to

fast forward to monday, a day where college students doze off and attend class 6 hours late 

Taehyung was always punctual and early but today’s an exception

he fell asleep doing equations and maths on his table and well his classes start at 9 am but he woke up around noon

 Taehyung doesn’t even bother to change clothes nor brush his teeth, he just zoops out of his apartment and rushes toward campus

 he’s still sleep deprived from all the work load and late night shifts but his adrenaline’s too much that he reaches the campus in 10 minutes when it usually takes him a good 20 minutes

he just keeps on running and just as he was about to approach the door to 34A (where mr. jung teaches philosophy,, his minor) the door completely smacks him in the face

 he clutches his nose that was hit and was about to curse the person who accidentally hit him but when he sees who hit him

 his brain just goes @/$;2($:&sk;L3

 LIKE WOW???

hair blowing in the wind, light focusing on her figure, flowy dress lightly being blown by the wind and worry etched into her features

 “oh my gosh, i’m so so sorry !!” even her voice sounds like an angel

Taehyung says “it’s fine” then acts all cool and stuff and she smiles at him

AND WHEN HE WAS ABOUT TO ASK FOR HER NAME SHE JUST WOOSHES AND he’s left there looking at her disappearing figure

aaaand that’s where you come in thought that the angel-like girl was you? haH

you see taehyung still clutching his nose and staring off to space so you smack his back and he yelps in pain

“Y/N!!!!”

“TAEHYUNG !!!” you mimick but then you quickly apologize seeing that he was in a bad mood

you fix his hair and ask what happened

you two walk to the cafeteria as he tells you everything that happened

including the oh-so-beautiful girl that accidentally hit his face

“i wanna date her. she’s made my heart race so much. that’s very rare,”

you look at him like ????? like bro you’ve just met her and you’re IN L OV E

 what about me? you think. i’ve been with you all these years and you never even consider looking at me like that.

but you don’t say that. of course you don’t. that’s just too selfish.

so you hype him up and tell him you’d ask around for the girl’s name and Taehyung hopefully finds her to get her number

fast forward and you and Taehyung goes home. you two have no work today, just some lectures to catch up to

you set up the microwave to heat the fried chicken you bought home and Taehyung attend to his plants 

yes he is a plant mom™️ like he sings and hums classical tunes while he waters the plants and letting out little praises and encouragements 

he’s just overall a proud mom of his plants tbh

anyways you and Taehyung work on your school stuff until you felt your body growing tired and found yourself laying down on his lap

the view like this is ✨majestic✨his hair was loose and he had a headband to keep the bangs off of his face

his jaw was locked in concentration as he tries to make the numbers MAKE SENSE

 not to mention how your face is just millimeters away from his crotch akskakd

but you’re wholesome so you ignore the pool of arousal that’s in between your legs

“let’s go to sleep Taeee,” you whine but he pays you no mind

so you opt for straddling his lap so that he’d pay attention to you and it worked

“leave me alone please? you could sleep and i’ll wake you up later,” then he smiles at you

gaaaah his smile just aldksofkeoyn he’s soooo friggin’ warm and cuddly and when he smiles he just takes your heart then and there

but you stay perched on his lap and opt to nuzzle your head on the crook of his neck and mumble about sleeping there

he just chuckles and shifts a little bit to feel more comfortable

that night, Taehyung holds you dearly while he finishes his work. if you were awake, you’d probably see the slightest hint of adoration in his eyes whenever he’d stop working and look at you.

of course he loved you, way more than platonic. about half the population falls in love with their best friend anyways right?

but he wasn’t going to confess. he knew you deserve someone better

see, Taehyung, he sees himself as this messy and too emotionally damaged to even fucking function. much less start a relationship with you.

sure you were damaged like him, maybe even more, but he just can’t risk of hurting you and breaking you into pieces. you’ve already lost so much, he doesn’t want to add to that. so he opts for kissing you on the lips, just lightly. light enough so that it doesn’t stir you awake or anything of the like. he lays you down in his bed and bids you goodnight.

you and him started being friends back in the first year of college, you were both 4th year college students now. anyways, you used to visit the coffee shop he works at almost everyday. he’s seen you stress over your finals, seen you hang out with your friends there, also seen you cry when you boyfriend left you. 

you’ve always ordered something simple, choosing a black coffee instead of something creamy and milky.

until one day you decide to say, “surprise me,” to Taehyung and he just stares at you confused. then you tell him to give you something different, something he’d recommend to you.

alas Taehyung’s mocha latte was born !1!1!

 it was something simple and common as well but it held special meaning to him.

And so you started ordering his mocha latte while you stayed and studied at the coffee shop, eventually forming a friendship with Taehyung.

Anyway back to the present times

come Friday night and you were surprised to find out that Taehyung was going out on a date.

with Seo Soojin

the girl who hit him accidentally on the face

you were surprised with a lot things. first, knowing Taehyung was going out on a date. he wasn’t the type to date and settle down. I mean, of course he’d eventually settle down with a girl but not now. not while he’s in college.

Second, Soojin was actually pretty. In a goddess level, she might just be your girl crush lololol

And lastly, you thought that you had a chance with your gorgeous best friend. You knew he pecked you on the lips while he thought you were sleeping. You were sleeping at one point but you woke up when he lifted you up to place you on the bed. It took all of your willpower to not kiss him back but you were afraid of ruining things, despite the obvious actions he’s made.

But after days of convincing from your other friends, you decided to ask him out.

Yes, girls ask boys out now. it’s the twenty-fucking-first century after all

BUT THE UNIVERSE HAD OTHER PLANS

NOOO fate had to watch your best friend dress up in a nice tux and slick his hair back as he waited for Soojin to text him her address. You had to act all supportive while deep down you knew that him going out with Soojin was hurting you a lot more than you liked.

Now Taehyung,,,,,, he was more than surprised to feel his heart flutter at the appearance of Soojin. She really is pretty but he couldn’t help but think that you would look a lot better.

Their date surprisingly went well but he hoped that he just spent the night with you instead.

He came home to you watering his plants for him and he felt his heart flutter at the sight.

There you were, wearing his grey hoodie and god knows what else underneath

You had your earphones on while you tended to his cacti and various other plants 

If he were a murderer you’d be dead, no doubt bout that

So, he hugs you from behind and rest his chin on your shoulder

You ask him about his date, ignoring the pang in your heart when he talks about how good it was

Instead of breaking your heart over the details in their date, you focus on his warm voice that almost made you sleepy tbh

Taehyung didn’t know why he narrated their date with so much enthusiasm. Maybe he wanted to get out a reaction out of you

But you stayed calm and interested with what he was saying, not showing any signs of jealousy or hurt

He goes to take a shower and he was expecting to have a movie night with you but surprised to see that you’ve gone to bed and so he does to 

You two don’t sleep well that night

SATURDAAAAAAY and Saturdays mean parties

Meaning, Taehyung and you getting shit faced and the two of you could barely make it back to your apartment alive

But it was no doubt your favorite part of the week

You got dressed up wearing something seductive yet still conservative on the side paired with the comfiest pair of heels you have

When Taehyung saw you all dolled up, he was like :000 DAYUMMMM

But he felt a little overprotective when he thinks about the people who’ll look at your body and all that so he gives you his jacket

Though you tell him it’s too hot and that you could handle yourself if ever something happens

You’re already in the party and Taehyung swears to himself that he’ll keep an eye on you and that if something bad ever happens to you he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself 

He sees you out of your comfort zone, dancing around people and gathering attention from lots of people

You’re happy with the attention so you keep on partying

Taehyung was about to go to the bathroom, thinking that you’d be fine since you were just dancing, but then he sees a man talk to you

The man was fucking tall, very smug, very untrustworthy

His lips were too close on your ear and you seem very very uncomfortable

So Taehyung rushes to your side, grips your waist and says,

“Back off. She’s mine.” WITH THAT LOW AND SEXY VOICE OF HIS ASKJJDSK IM LOSING IT

But the guy had the aUDACITY to ignore Taehyung and continues “so, will you spend the night with me sweetcheeks?”

TAEHYUNG GROWLS AT PUSHES THE GUY WITH SO MUCH FORCE

You had to grip his arm and ask him to stop and not make a scene with the smallest voice you have

And just as you two were about to leave, the guy shouts “lucky you, you’ve got a fine piece of ass right there,” and that’s all it takes for Taehyung to throw his fist at the guy

Everyone stopped dancing and focused on the scene unravelling in front of them

Pulling Taehyung back you tell him “that’s enough,” and drag him out of the house

The whole walk home was quiet and the tension was thick

“It’s because of that damn outfit,” he says once you’ve entered your shared apartment

You scoff and bend down to take you heels off and say “It’s not my fault men can’t control their dicks,”

Taehyung looks at you with this animalistic glint in his eye and stalks toward you

“You should’ve been more careful, babygirl,”

His lips attack your neck

You couldn’t move because you were shocked and aroused all at the same time

He sucks at the sweet spot on your neck and it just turned you into a moaning mess

You tug his hair, moan his name 

“Jump,” he commands and so you do

He kisses your lip and you kiss him back with more force

Tongues fighting for dominance, teeth clashing, little spills of moans and grunts here and there

“When I saw you in that article you call clothes,” he chuckles “all I could think about was ripping it off of you right there and then,” he kisses your collarbones

“It isn’t the first time too. All the nights you spend snuggled up to me wearing my shirt with no bra on and I could feel your breasts pushed up against me,” he unzips your clothing and lets it fall to floor

·“God fucking dammit Taehyung. Fuck me already,” you say and he looks up at you

A smirk on his lips and eyebrows raised in challenge

He grips your hip and you wrap your legs around him as he carries you to your bedroom

You were slightly expecting him to be just a tad bit gentle but clearly he was in a bad mood so he throws you into the bed and removes both of your clothes quickly

 “Suck,” he tells you and moans when your lips wrap around his digit

He brings his fingers to pump his cock a bit and pushes into your cunt without warning 

The force got you screeching and clawing at his back

“Fuck, harder,” you mewl and he obliges

He fucks you at an animalistic speed and his eyes bore into yours as he thrusts deeper into you 

It doesn’t take long for you to reach your climax and Taehyung’s thumb rubs your clit until you were coming

And he’s coming to and as much as you want him to finish inside of you, you knew that that wasn’t safe so he pulls out and cums on your tummy

He helps you scoot over and lays beside you

“I’m in love with you and this is probably the worst timing ever but I just want to say that I loved you for a long time and even if you don’t like me back, I’ll keep on loving you and-“ he rambles

But you cut him off with a sweet and slow kiss

“I’m in love with you too, Tae. Have been for a long time,” and you look at him 

The moonlight from the window doing wonders to his face

His lips turn into a small smile and kisses you again

And again

And again

“Do you know why I made you a mocha latte on that day?” he quietly speaks as he tangles your bodies together

“Ooooh that’s a question I’ve been dying to ask for a long time. Tell me. tell me,” you pipe

He breathes before saying, “you know how you alternate ordering an americano on bad and normal days and plain milk on warm and good days?” You nod 

“Well, a mocha latte is a combination of both with just with added chocolate flavouring and sugar,”

“That’s how you made me feel,” he says and you look at him with question marks in your eyes

He laughs, “Before you, my life was just plain and dull. Kind of like an americano,”

“But then you started visiting the café shop more and everyday it brought me a whole new feeling,”

“Every time you’re sitting at alone, whether it be studying or just reading, it made me feel a lot of things. happiness, curiousity, the whole butterflies in my stomach thing,”

“So think of the sugar and chocolate to be my growing feelings for you and yeah,” he laughs again and this time you laugh with him 

“I love you, even though you’re so damn cheesy!”

“I love you too, Y/N. I love you,” and you both smile and hold each other

“I think I’m going to have a coffee shop as my business once I graduate,” he says and you nod

And you two live life happy and healthy 😊) (safe to say the universe’s on your side now)

 SO SORRY IF THAT WAS TOOOOO LONG AND NGL I FEEL BAD FOR SOOJIN AND THIS SEEMS SO RUSHED AKJDS ANW HOPE Y’ALL LIKED IT :>

[remingt0nleith]

thorns | remington leith

try & find the hidden palaye royale song title in the fic! & additional A/N at the end. 

A/N: hi wow long time no write :( SORRY! I have ideas and I try to write then my brain just doesn’t want to put the ideas on the word document. + y’know having depression doesn’t help things bleh... BUT I did write a full something finally (yay bare minimum author things!) This was requested! gonna keep trying to turn out requests & work on dark cherries also my birthday is on thursday and i’m turning 24 (wow im getting old help) & also the bastards comes out the day after so yay! lets chat about it when its out ok?

Request: Where Remington cheats on the reader and she finds out, but he does everything he can to get her back? 

Thorns - A Remington Leith one-shot. || 1.9K words || under cut.

The catalyst for a ruined night came in a round of shots. Emerson poured the amber liquid into hot pink shot glasses that the boys had picked up days prior. Remington wasted no time in downing his, barely flinching at the bitter taste that now coated his tongue. 

“Slow down there, cowboy” 

Sebastian laughed before throwing his own shot back, placing a hand on Remington’s cheetah print covered shoulder.

“We can’t have our lead singer fucked up out of his mind, can we?” 

The eldest brother chided playfully as he took the bottle from Emerson and poured more shots.

As the brothers drank and talked anxiously about their first show of a new tour, Remington’s phone buzzed in his back pocket, taking it out he suppressed an eye-roll at the message filling his screen;

My Love <3: HEY BABY JUST WANT TO WISH U LUCK TONIGHT YOU’LL KILL IT. LOVE U. 

He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him lately, usually, he’d be thrilled at the love and adoration his girlfriend of three years was showing him. She was always cheering him on, listening to his music, and supporting his band in every way she could. Although she was unable to come to most shows due to a fast-paced work schedule she always made a point to let the band of brothers know they had her support. That should’ve been enough to keep Remington happy but recently he had become cold towards his girlfriend and as he put his phone away without responding all thoughts of her disappeared as well. 

Remington headed backstage after the show still high from the performance. The adrenaline from the encouraging crowd and kick-ass concert his band delivered had Remington feeling happier than he had in months. Once in the dressing room, the boys quickly changed out of their sweaty stage attire into more relaxed outfits, and like clockwork, shots were once again being handed out.

Once everyone had a decent buzz going the boys and their crew headed out to a nearby nightclub to celebrate the success of the show. Remington realized halfway to the club that he had forgotten his phone in the dressing room, a fact that didn’t phase him, in fact he was happy to be rid of the constant ringing. 

Once inside the packed club, Remington waved goodbye to his brothers and made his way to the bar.  His buzz had diminished slightly in the car ride and that was a no go for Remington so he ordered a drink, which quickly became two, then three before he headed to the dance floor. 

Packed in a sea of bodies the singer danced to the music, enjoying the happiness that came from the night’s events as well as the alcohol in his system. When a manicured hand grabbed him and pulled him close, he didn’t object, instead, he wrapped his arms around the dark-haired beauty. 

The pair danced together to the techno music blaring overhead, strobe lights illuminating their faces, hands roaming freely over each other’s bodies before the woman leaned in and planted a sloppy kiss to Remington’s lips. 

If there was a moment of panic, a spark of recognition somewhere in the sober part of his mind, Remington ignored it. Instead, he deepened the kiss with the gorgeous stranger, when the pair eventually pulled away from the kiss, they headed to the bar for more drinks. 

When Sebastian came to let Remington know it was time to head to the hotel, the frontman wasted no time in asking this new girl if she’d like to go with him. Much to the dismay of the older (and wiser) brother, she said yes and everyone piled into the van and were chauffeured back to the hotel to continue the party. 

Morning light filtered through the window a sign of a new day, but as Remington opened his eyes the gravity of last night hit him. He was alone in his hotel bed, the white sheets crumpled and covered in streaks of makeup (his or hers, he wasn’t sure). Flashbacks of last night filled his mind and all at once he realized the hickeys on his body were from a stranger, the realization filled him with shame and dread. 

He found his phone which had been placed on his nightstand by one of his brothers or their touring manager (who always cleaned up after the boys’ wild nights) and on it were several unread texts and calls which came in at varying points of the evening. 

[9:13 pm] My Love <3: It should be time for u boys to be on stage! I’ll be stalking twitter for updates and vids love u 

[12:02 am] My Love <3: Watched a ton of vids that are already being posted! Get back to me when u get this my love so proud of u xx 

[3:56 am] My Love <3: Guess your phone died or your out celebrating a great night. Call me when you see this or wake up. I love you. 

[10:20 am] 5 missed calls

[10:27 am] *attached photo* REMINGTON.... FUCK YOU.

The photo on his phone screen displayed the girl from last night under the covers as a passed out Remington slept beside her. The caption didn’t say anything besides a winking emoji and she tagged him and his band’s account. 

Instantly, he was dialing his girlfriend’s number, hands shaking as he paced around the spacious hotel room desperately waiting for an answer.

“Hello?” 

Rose answered, soft voice hoarse from hours of crying. 

“Fuck, I’m so sorry..” 

Remington started to explain, words tumbling out of his mouth faster than he could form them.

“Save it” 

Rose snapped before continuing her voice harder and more assured now than it was just moments ago. 

“I never thought you’d do this even as the band started to gain an audience, I told myself that I had nothing to worry about. All the pretty girls and boys didn’t matter because what we had was strong but it sucks being proven wrong huh?” 

Remington’s sudden surge of tears prevented him from speaking as the pain in his chest grew with each word. The saddest part of it all was that she was right and that ripped him up inside. 

“Rose I-” 

he whispered, voice barely audible even to himself. 

Instead of an answer he was left hearing the sound of the call disconnecting. 

The tour passed by in a daze for Remington and while his brothers desperately wanted him to be more present, they understood. He’d get on stage and sing, forgetting about the pain in his heart for that hour or so, as soon as the curtain closed the ache in his chest was back, a cruel reminder to the life-changing mistake he’d made.

Rose had cut off all contact with her now ex-boyfriend instead choosing to go through Emerson to inform him she was moving out of their shared apartment in LA. 

Each night in his hotel bed, memories of the past three years filtered through his brain until he exhaustingly cried himself to sleep. 

Remington used Emerson’s phone to send a series of texts to Rose to apologize, to accept full responsibility but the only reply he received was instructions to give Emerson his phone back and to leave her alone.

Just as quickly as the tour started it was now coming to a close a few months later. The boys were back in LA for a sold-out show in typical Los Angeles fashion. Remington never stopped trying to get ahold of Rose -- he sent flowers to her new address, letters where he begged for her back, apologizing and pleading for her forgiveness yet he was never awarded a reply. He didn’t blame her at all but that didn’t mean the pain hurt any less, he’d do anything for a second chance. 

Shots of vodka were taken, cheers and high fives were given and the boys hit the stage.  Remington gazed out into the crowd, a see of silhouettes behind bright stage lights.  After a few songs, Remington sat down at the end of the stage, dark boots quietly thumping against the side. 

“Y’know fans like to think we’re perfect” 

he stated which earned a chorus of “I love you’s” as well as cheers from the crowd. 

He smiled before continuing, 

“As much as I love to hear it, it’s not true and sometimes we royally fuck up. I fucked up and these past few months have been hell so I wrote this song.”

The crowd applauded as they watched their favorite singer head to the piano, the spotlight shining on him as he sat down. 

“This song is called Thorns,” 

Remington began to play a hauntingly slow ballad about losing the love of your life and how apart of you is lost as well. 

The pain in my heart is defeating me

Cracking me open for all to see

I’m numb to life, deep inside

Needing you to realize, you’re the better part of me

An illusion of love is what I fear

Taking each step is now unclear

A rose garden in my dreams,

You leaving now in front of me

Take my heart it’s filled with thorns

A rose trapped inside a perfect storm

Throw me to the wolves I’m on my knees

Begging for my rose to please believe

I made a mistake that I can see

Yet this pain without you is deafening

My heart of thorns cuts me deep 

Paralyzing me and making me weak

Please my rose I beg you, have sympathy.

The rose garden in my dreams,

But you’re leaving right now in front of me

Take my heart it’s filled with thorns

A rose trapped inside a perfect storm

Throw me to the wolves I’m on my knees

Begging my rose to please believe 

I love you Rose it’s all I know, I’m sorry for all my sorrow

By the time the song ended, Remington had tears blurring his vision. He was so wrapped up in playing the song he didn’t realize he had started to cry but to the audience that just made it so much more beautiful. 

After the show, Remington hurried off the stage in order to collect his emotions but in the dressing room sat Rose. Her blonde hair was curled and she wore a red dress and in a true movie moment a dozen roses sat in her lap. 

“Rem that song…” 

she started but before she could finish, Remington ran over and threw his arms around her, hugging her to make sure she wasn’t just a figment of his imagination.

“I’m so sorry”

he whispered once she hugged back. 

“The flowers were from Seb” 

Rose mumbled, green eyes flicking down to them after their hug. Sebastian must have ordered them because he knew what Remington was planning. That was his older brother alright, always playing the papa bear role. 

The singer’s mind was racing a mile a minute, he had a million questions but all he could do was apologize. 

Rose shushed him with a chaste kiss before speaking,

“By no means have I forgiven you completely. That song however beautiful doesn’t make everything go away but I’m willing to work on us”

Remington nodded, happy she was here and willing to give their relationship another shot.

“I’m willing to do whatever it takes,” 

he whispered, wrapping her in another hug.

They knew it would be a long road to get back to where they were before but Remington was happy he had his Rose back in his life. 

xx

A/N: omg that song was not that good I came up with it on my own though and I’m not a lyricist lol hope u enjoyed xx 

[brianc521]

Ruined Stunt

His face is squished into her pillow, his mouth open as he snores softly, curls a mess as he sleeps so peacefully in her bed.

She sits at the small table, the folded setlist under the right peg so it would stop wobbling every time she moved to write something into her calendar. Her coffee cup is full, and sealed to her lips as she checks emails and her work account to make sure everything is on track.

Her glasses are pushed up her bare face as her hair is in a sloppy bun done up on the top of her head.

She’s so entranced, reading the notes a coworker sent her from the conference called she missed while on the flight to LA, that she doesn’t even notice that his snoring has stopped.

He sits up at bit, looking around and finding her seated in her pajamas, his shirt from the day before and her sleep shorts. He stretches his back and hums softly when he raises his arms above his head.

She turns her head at the hum, eyes wide when she notices his naked torso on display for her. He smiles when he makes eye contact, swollen sleep eyes sparkling at her as he stares at her seated figure.

“Morning,” He says, voice three octaves lower than usual as his morning voice makes her melt.

“Morning,” She whispers softly, setting her cup down as she stands to crawl towards him.

This is the Shawn she gets to know. The one that’s practically Bambi when he wakes up, all wide brown eyes, innocent stare and fluffy hair. The one that’s holding his hands out for her to crawl towards, arms wrapping around her embrace as he pulls her back into him in bed.

“You have a interview after lunch today before soundcheck. Andrew wants to meet with you before lunch to discuss this weeks schedule and then the crew wants to go out after the performance tonight.” She says as her eyes close and her body relaxes against his.

“How long have you been up?” He asks, eyebrows scrunched together as she recounts his day.

“Long enough to be on coffee number two.” She hums.

He shakes his head, squeezing her tighter. “You aren’t my personal assistant until 10 in the morning, until then you’re my girlfriend that cuddles with me while I sleep.” He groans.

She blushes at that, looking up at him as he stares at the ceiling. “What are you thinking about?” She taps his chin, catching his attention.

“That my girlfriend works too much,”

She scoffs at that, rolling her eyes as she giggles. “Right, okay well you should see how much my boyfriend works.”

He grins, rolling over so he’s laying on top of her, head buried into her neck. “Can we do breakfast together?” He asks, planting a few kisses to her neck.

“I have a meeting with Andrew in 45 minutes,” She runs her fingers through his curls.

“No!” He groans, holding her tighter. “Don’t leave.”

“Babe, I have to go.”

“But I won’t see you like at all today.” He whines, pouting at her.

“Sorry,” She shrugs.

“Are you at least sitting next to me on the plane to New York?” He asks, letting his fingers play with the ends of his hair.

She cringes and looks away, making him sigh.

“Okay, don’t be shocked if I sneak into your hotel room.” He mumbles.

She cringes again, inhaling sharply, making his eyes snap to hers. “What was that?” He asks. “What does that mean?”

“I’m not flying to New York with you.”

His eyes widen and he sits up frantically. “What are you talking about?” He shrills.

“I have my one on one with my boss Thursday.” She runs her fingers up and down his arm.

“Can’t you just skype?” He asks. She shakes her head at him.

“No it has to be in person, I did it over skype last time and it didn’t work out. I’ll fly to you next week though.”

He sighs dropping his head.

“I’m sorry,” She whispers, resting her hand on his.

“Don’t apologize, it’s your job. I’m just gonna miss you.”

She smiles sadly, “I’m gonna miss you too, just a week apart. That’s all.”

Her phone buzzes and she looks over to see that Andrew wants to meet sooner, meaning she has to get ready now.

“Who’s that?” Shawn asks, peering over her shoulder to see the text. “No!” He whines. “Don’t leave me.”

“I have to, sorry.” She says getting up and rushing to her suitcase.

Her watches her rush around to get dressed and throwing her hair into a ponytail. She slips her shoes on and pushes her suitcase back against the wall. “I have to go.” She says looking at him. “And you need to sneak out.”

“When am I gonna see you next?” He asks.

She sighs, looking at her watch and going through his tasks for the day. “Before the show.” She answers. “We’ll cross paths at the arena.”

He pouts, making grabbing hands at her. “Give me love now then.” He mumbles.

She steps between his legs, hands on his shoulders. “It’s past past 10, I’m your personal assistant now.”

“You’re still my girlfriend.” He looks up at her, “Kiss me.” He whispers, leaning up, sighing when her soft lips meet his.

He holds her hips, pulling her closer as he sucks on her bottom lip softly.

“I’ll see you later,” She whispers, giving him one last peck before rushing out of the hotel room with her room key, purse, and phone.

**

She sits in the green room, phone glued to her hand as she reads the new emails. There’s been a solid pout on her face since her meeting with Andrew this morning, now that she knows what the new promo stunt is.

Shawn’s noticed, by the lack of response to his text messages and how she can’t stop glaring at Andrew.

The team stands to leave to allow Shawn to dress for the show, but he’s quick to grab her arm. She looks up with wide eyes and notice how his are pleading with hers.

“I need to speak with you.” He mumbles.

“Shawn, you need to change.” Andrew pipes up.

“Just want her opinion on what to wear since Tiff isn’t here.”

“Okay, you have 20 minutes.”

Shawn nods and waits till the door shuts behind everyone before he’s pulling her into his arms, hands cupping her face as she bites her lip.

“What’s wrong?”

She shakes her head and clears her throat as she turns to look at his shirts. He grabs her elbow, turning her back and making her look at him. “Tell me.” He whispers. “Please.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Babe you haven’t spoken a word all day, when Andrew speaks to you you’re barely acknowledging him and you won’t respond to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I just don’t entirely agree with what I was told at the meeting this morning, but it’s not my place to say anything.”

His eyebrows furrow and his lips purse out.

“What is it? What don’t you agree with?”

“You’ll find out soon enough.” She sighs, this time fully turning to siffle through his options.

“Tell me what it is,” He pursues her retreating figure.

“It’s not my place to say,” She shrugs.

“What are you talking about? Why can’t you say?”

“Because I’m not apart of the team.” She grabs a black shirt with white polka dots, holding it up to see it next to him.

“What? Yes you are.” He pushes the shirt away.

“I’m just your personal assistant. I don’t make decisions, I just keep you organized.” She shakes her head. “Wear this one, you’re on in 15.” She says handing him the shirt and walking out of the room before he can figure out what is truly bothering her.

**

She sits in her hotel room, that now haunts her as she lays in bed alone. No longer is Shawn there to hold her while he sleeps, and keep her company as sits alone.

He’s on a flight, which explains the radio silence but she knows he knows the promo stunt now. He was asking to speak with her before the flight but Andrew, who doesn’t know that they’re together, told him it wasn’t important.

Which in retrospect it’s not. Why should his personal assistant have any say in his promo stunt. To Andrew she’s just supposed to make sure his calendar is scheduled and he’s actually making it to all the events Andrew’s booking him.

Her phone rings making her jump as she looks over in the darkness, his picture illuminating her screen. She answers with a choked hello, making his heart squeeze.

“I’m yours, you know that.” Are the first words flying out of his mouth. “You’ve been around for this before, it’s just work.”

“Yeah but when you did this before we weren’t together.”

He sighs, “I know.” And she knows he’s tugging on his curls. “I know, but you have to trust that I’m not doing this to hurt you. I love you, so much.”

“She just gets you in public,” She shrugs.

“And you get me in private, which is what is real.” Shawn says sternly. “The Shawn she’ll ‘get’, if you can even call it that, is Shawn Mendes. The Shawn you get, is Shawn, Y/n’s boyfriend.”

She nods, even though he can’t see it, letting his words tumble around in her head.

“Baby,” He says softly, “Say something.”

“I should have known this was gonna happen, I mean I did, but I didn’t think it’d make me this uncomfortable.”

He sighs, and slumps into his hotel bed. “It’s just for PR, it’s not gonna last long.”

**

The stunt has started, and it’s hurting her more than she thought it would.

This girl was a model, she was blonde with the perfect body. She had a bigger bust than Y/n, and a smaller waist. She somehow always looked perfect, even if she was in a big sweatshirt and yoga pants. She was from Ontario which made their ‘relationship’ that much more wholesome, because now it was all about how the two Canadians were together, and which family they were spending Christmas with.

Y/n sits across the table from Shawn. Andrew and the rest of the band sit with them as they all discuss the plan for the day.

“Kate will be joining our outing today,” Andrew tells Shawn, whose eyes go wide and flick to Y/n’s for a brief second.  

“Why?” Shawn asks, pushing his eggs around on his plate.

“To have a few pictures taken of her with us, so it looks like she’s really apart of the group. Getting along with the band, supporting you, all that stuff.”

“Y/n have you met Kate yet?” Mike asks as her as she messes with her cloth napkin for a second.

“No I haven’t.” She says softly, eyes cast down to her meal.

She hasn’t really told Shawn about how uncomfortable seeing pictures of them together makes her feel, but he knows. He knows it would make him feel the same if he had to see her with another guy.

He lets his toe nudge her calf under the table, her eyes lifting to his for a moment before she’s shifting in her seat and crossing her legs away from him and picking at her fruit. He huffs to himself as she closes herself off from him.

He pulls his phone out, bringing her contact up and typing out a quick message.

iMessage from Shawn: Please don’t be like that. I didn’t know she was coming today. I promise I wouldn’t do that to you on purpose.

He sets his phone down and eyes her, watching as she checks her phone under the table and then slides it back between her thighs, not responding to his message. His eyes are pleading with her from across the table.

“She’s here.” Andrew says looking at his phone, standing up before looking at Shawn.

“What right now?” He asks.

“Yes,”

He shakes his head, hoping to have a moment alone with Y/n before having to flaunt this stunt in front of her. “I’m not ready,”

“Too bad, it’s go time. Finish your food guys, we’ve got to go.”

The team as rented a boat for the day, hoping to relax and chill before a week fully booked with show after show.

The team stands one by one, setting napkins on their plates before following Andrew out. Y/n leaves last, digging in her purse for some gum before Shawn’s falling in step beside her.

“Baby I didn’t know,” He whispers in her ear. “Don’t let it ruin our day. We can still have a good day on the boat. Swimming and chilling with the band. It’s gonna be fun, okay?”

She just nods, looking straight ahead.

“Baby say something please!” He groans. “I hate when you go all silent, I can never figure your brain out.”

“It’s just work, we have to be professional.” She gives him a tight lipped smile before he’s pulling her around the corner to have a moment alone.

“I know how this hurts you, I know.” He sighs, eyes showing how feels. “And I hate that I’m the one hurting you, it’s eating me alive. But I’m being honest with you when I tell you that I’m in love with you and obsessed with you. You’re my girl, my Baby, and you always will be.”

She sighs, leaning into him a little. “I know, and I’m sorry. I know you don’t really have a say in this. It just makes me so uncomfortable to think about. I already have to share you enough as is, I don’t like having to share this part of you too, because this part is all I have.”

His heart clenches and his mouth opens to disagree but he’s interrupted when Zubin pokes his head around the corner, spotting the couple. “Andrew’s looking for you.”

Shawn looks up, Y/n jumping away from him, but Zubin knows. He’s known for awhile. First he saw Shawn sneak out of her hotel room months ago, and then saw when he was sending her a heart emoji through text. They were good at hiding it, Zubin was just the one to see things he shouldn’t have.

“Okay,” Shawn nods, watching Zubin walk away. “Hey,” He says grabbing her hand before she can walk away. “You’re my girl, mine.”

“Okay,”

“Let yourself enjoy the day okay? I love you.”

“I love you too.” She whispers, letting him peck her lips before they make their way to the front of the restaurant.

**

Shawn was so uncomfortable.

Watching his girlfriend sitting at the front of the boat alone, gorgeous black strapless bikini hugging her heavenly curves, sipping on a cup of beer, book in her hands.

All the while this girl is trying to be all over him. She’s in a pink Bikini but the contrast of the pink on her fake tan is not helping her at all. She’s laughing overly loud at Mike and Josiah’s stupid jokes, letting her hand rest on his thigh before he’s standing to refill his cup, bringing a new cup to Y/n.

“Here Babe,” He whispers, setting the cup beside her.

She looks up at him, nodding as he peeks at her book.

“Shawn!” The squeaky voice calls and he sighs as he turns and has to return to the girl that is starting to repulse him

**

That night the group decides they want to go out to dinner, deciding on a steakhouse just down the road from the hotel.

“Y/n, dinner at 6?” Andrew calls as she tries to sneak off to her room without being noticed.

“Actually, I’m not feeling the greatest, I think I’ll pass tonight.” She says, waving as she heads to the elevator.

Shawn’s head whips over, watching as she clutches her book close to her chest and steps into the elevator, doors closing behind her.

He doesn’t like the gut feeling he has with her leaving like that.

“Andrew I’m gonna catch a quick shower and meet you there. I reek of sunscreen.”

Andrew nods as Shawn rushes up the stairs to her floor. He knocks on her door rapidly, not stopping until she’s opening the door.

She looks up and his heart stops.

“Baby?” He asks, stepping into her room and shutting the door behind him.

She’s so pale, sweat lining her hairline as she pulls her sweatshirt off, leaving her in his Hogwarts shirt.

“Not now Shawn, I seriously don’t feel good.”

“Baby, what hurts?” He asks, helping her into bed.

“My stomach is turning, my head is throbbing and I’ve got the cold sweats.”

He feels her forehead and rules out a fever. “When did you start feeling like this?”

“On the boat, it’s why I laid down.”

“Baby you should have said something, I would’ve brought your back.”

“Today wasn’t about me Shawn, I wasn’t about to ruin everyone’s day just because I don’t feel good.”

He shakes his head. “I hate how you feel like you can’t say that you don’t fucking feel good.” He says standing. “Your health is more fucking important than some stupid fucking day on a fucking boat.” He mutters while entering the bathroom to wet a washcloth. “Feeling sick and then having to deal with my stupid bullshit on top of that,” He says sitting back on the edge of the bed setting the washcloth on her forehead.

“I’m okay, go to dinner. I’ll text you if something happens.”

“Fuck that,” Shawn shakes his head. “I’m gonna go change and get you some tea. But I’ll be right back, we’ll watch ‘Friends’ and cuddle tonight.”

She goes to protest but he’s shaking his head, grabbing his phone as he steps out of her room with her key in his back pocket.

He runs into Andrew in the hall, as he walks to his room. “You ready?”

“Actually, I’m gonna stay back.” Shawn says opening his door.

“No, you’re going. Kate is coming and I want you both to be photographed together before dinner, and after.”

“No!” Shawn raises his voice.

Andrew’s eyes go wide and he crosses his arms as he listens to Shawn.

“No I don’t want to go to dinner with Kate. I don’t want to be photographed with Kate, I don’t want to do this promo stunt with Kate. I don’t want to be around Kate!” He throws his hands in the air. “Because right now, my girlfriend isn’t feeling well and has had to spend the whole fucking day watching some other girl be all over me from across the boat. So I would like to stay in and take care of my girl, who I’m madly in love with, and help her feel better.”

Andrew stands in shock, the rest of the team slowly inching around the corner watching Shawn snap.

“So go tell Kate she can have dinner with someone else, and she can do a promo stunt with someone else because I don’t want to fucking do it. I just want to go cuddle my beautifully gorgeous girlfriend while she lays in bed alone!”

He takes a deep breath and his head snaps over when her door opens slowly, small smile on her face as she steps into the hallway. He sighs when he sees the smile.

“Because I love you and I miss you, and I hate how this is making you feel. And I hate that I’m the one making you feel this way. And oh my god you were in a bikini all day and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it even though I just wanted to wrap you up and show the world that you’re mine.”

She blushes as he confesses this in front of everyone.

Zubin is smiling and celebrating a bit with the rest of the team as Andrew nods and mutters about how he’ll figure it out.

“We need to set up time for a meeting when you feel better,” He says to her, walking into his room and letting the door shut behind him.

“Shawnie boy got the girl!” The band erupts, bombarding him with hugs and pats on the backs as he laughs.

“Thanks guys, lets do this later.” He smiles, nodding towards Y/n.

They all nod and tell him they wanna take him out for drinks tomorrow as they walk to the lobby to head out for dinner.

Shawn stares at her as she stares up at him, inching her way towards his chest, giggling as his arms wrap around her. “I can’t believe you just did that.”

“I didn’t mean to. I was lowkey stressing out because you’re sick, and Andrew just wouldn’t let up today with the whole Kate thing and I was so over it. You’re my main priority and he wasn’t allowing you to be.”

“I’m kind of scared of what his meeting is about, but I’m happy they know. It’s gonna make us, being us so much easier.”

“Come on, we can talk about this in bed. You need to rest.” He says ushering you back to your room.

**

3 months later.

“Y/n, Shawn’s on stage in 10.”

She nods, walking into his dressing room, finding him tucking his shirt into his pants as she fixes her hair. He looks up at her, smiling when he sees her in front of him.

His lips are still slightly stained from her lipstick and his curls still very messy. She walks up, running her fingers through them hoping to fix them back to a styled matter before he goes on stage.

“Told you not to tug on my curls.” He mumbles, pulling her closer by her hips.

“Shut up, I needed something to hold on to.” She says fixing one last curl. “Here,” She grabs a makeup wipe from her purse to wipe his lips, and he grins as she wipes his neck too.

“I also told you not to wear lipstick.”

“Can’t say I was expecting you to jump me when I arrived, so, sorry.���

He laughs and kisses her quickly before she’s pulling away. “You’re on in minutes, no more of this.”

“What’s the schedule after this, my beautiful personal assistant?” He asks.

“We fly back to Toronto for your week break, and you get to decide the rest from there.”

He smiles, slipping his hands into her back pockets. “You’re sitting next to me right?”

“Yep,”

“Hmm, maybe we can rejoin the mile high club.” He squeezes her butt.

“Not if you wear that mask and your glasses.”

He laughs, shaking his head. “No mask or glasses.”

“Then we’ll see.” She giggles.

He pecks her lips one more time before shes pushing him away.

**

He smiles brightly as he sees her side stage, swaying along to his songs.

“Guys, before I start this one song I just want to dedicate it to someone special.” He starts, smiling out to the crowd. “She’s with me tonight, and it’s our one year anniversary tomorrow.” He grins as the crowd erupts in cheers. “She’s the light of my life, the love of my life, and the one that keeps me grounded. Baby, I love you to infinity and beyond. Happy one year Baby, been the best year of my life. This one’s for you, it’s called Never Be Alone.”

[ixeliema]

Insecure - Shane x my farmer, Terra

By popular demand (sort of, I mean I have never posted content on Tumblr out of fear it would get stolen or that I’d get harassed for it, so “popular” means like 2 reblogs and around 30 likes, THANK YOU ALL), here’s my fic about Shane being an awkward scared bean!

Summary: Terra and Shane had grown really close over time, and have formed somewhat of a routine. Shane goes to the saloon after work, Terra meets him with a beer for conversation. When Terra stops coming to the saloon, Shane begins to wonder what he did wrong, and if he messed up.

TWs: Implied self harm near the end, Talk of Suicide and Suicide Attempts, Anxiety and Depression, General Angst, Language (let’s be honest, Shane definitely swears a lot)

Word Count: 5373

Thursday, 18 Spring, Year 2 – 3:40 PM

 I hadn’t seen her in days, and I was beginning to wonder if I’d done something wrong.

Stocking those infernal shelves day after day made it hard for us to see each other as it was, even though we’d been dating over half a year by now.

At the end of last summer, she’d approached me shyly and handed me a bouquet and a beer. The beer, I’d come to expect, as she’d began greeting me at the saloon on a nightly basis when I got there at 6, drink in hand, and during the summer, sometimes with a freshly grown hot pepper.

Even after starting my therapy, she was always there with something, whether it was a beer because I’d “earned it” or a sparkling water because I was still trying to get away from my past emotional crutch and she knew that. Hell, she knew that all too well.

But two days ago, she wasn’t there. I was worried so I sent her a letter, and even then, no response. With work, I didn’t have much time to ask around town or visit, so I’d asked Jas and Marnie to tell me if they saw her anywhere, and even then, nothing.

I was becoming increasingly more convinced that I’d upset her somehow. What had I done in the last week to upset her? Had it been my tone when we talked on Saturday? Was it the beer can on the floor when she came to see me at home on Sunday? What WAS it?

I shook my head. Deep breaths, Shane. I channeled my counsellor’s advice. “Don’t panic, just breathe.” I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.

“SHANE.” Morris’ voice boomed behind me. Startled, I stood up quickly, can of chili still in hand.

“Yes, sir?” I somehow managed to say without stuttering, despite my nerves still being high from the voice behind me.

“Your shift ends in an hour and a half, and you still have two aisles to stock.” Morris didn’t really sound angry at me, but he wasn’t exactly known for being a pleasant person to work for. There was a reason the girl with the ginger hair at the counter looked like a corpse from dawn until dusk every day.

“Sorry sir, I was taking a quick breather.” I made up the excuse knowing that Morris wouldn’t care whether I was 5 centimeters from a mental breakdown or not. He wouldn’t care what I said.

“Just don’t let it happen again. You still have plenty of work to do.” He smiled at me, and I felt ill.

He turned around quickly at the sound of the doorbells jingling. “Hello, welcome to JojaMart!!”

I rolled my eyes. What, am I not allowed to breathe here anymore?

“Oh! Miss Terra!”

My shoulders shot up from the pouty slumped state they were in upon hearing her name. Terra? What was she doing here? She hates JojaMart almost as much as I do at this point.

I heard a hushed voice to Morris and rapid footsteps away from my direction. I rushed to the edge of the aisle, desperate to see her face, to ask what was wrong, if she was okay. If WE were okay.

Nothing, just the same tired cashier, and no Terra, no Morris.

I looked around a bit, but to no avail. She must have gone to his office to talk with him in private.

What for though? She literally talks shit about him every time we hang out. What would be so important that she’d be willing to talk to Morris PRIVATELY?

With a sigh, knowing that Morris would fire me if I was caught loitering around the aisles, I went back to work.

 Thursday, 18 Spring, Year 2 – 7:20 PM

 Never in my life had getting blackout drunk sounded so appealing as I sat in the corner, completely alone, and with far too many questions spinning around in my head.

Seriously, what was this afternoon all about? Even after changing out of my uniform and clocking out, Morris wouldn’t talk to me, and even if he did, I doubt he would have said anything. Not like he owes me anything, I’m just a pawn to him, and he has always made it clear he doesn’t “care” about us.

I felt my heart sink again as I remembered watching Terra walk away from the store through the glass doors in the rain, wanting desperately to call out to her but feeling completely powerless in the face of my fears and my douche of a boss.

Not even Lewis and Willy’s banter about fishing off the docks when they were young, or Gus’ finest pizza could snap me out of the funk I was in. The only thing I could understand tonight was that Terra blatantly didn’t want to see me today.

I stood up and left the saloon, far earlier than I ever had before. Maybe, just MAYBE, I could run into her, especially if she was trying to avoid me. She knew my schedule well, not like it was difficult to memorize. Wake, eat, work, drink, sleep; rinse and repeat. She knew exactly where I’d be and when, and if I had any chance of finding her, I needed to use that to my advantage.

 I started out toward the forest. Maybe she was fishing by the lake? She had a particular fondness for the dock where we’d first sat down and really talked, and she loved fishing there. Something about a “constant flow of 25-inch-long smallmouth bass.”

Upon finding nothing, I checked my phone. 8 PM. Maybe she was home? It was a longshot, at this hour, but worth a try. She really pushed her body to the limit when it came to sleeping.

I headed north to Vervain Farm, sidestepping some weeds and a fallen tree branch as I headed up the docks. Her farm was very much right in the middle of a number of small rivers, and the numerous “isles” that made up her farm were traversable only by small bridges.

“Terra?” I asked softly, almost as if my voice didn’t really WANT to be heard. Clearing my throat and shaking my head, I called again. “Terra?”

My voice echoed in the wind, as a chilling breeze swept through my tattered jacket and into my bones. No response. I approached her cabin and stood on the doorstep in the rain for what seemed like forever before I finally gathered the courage to actually knock louder than a pathetic tapping.

I heard silence, then a shuffle, and then nothing again. I knocked again, hoping she was there, but all that answered my knock was a muffled “mrow?”

Terra’s cat, Citrus, emerged from the cat door and rubbed up against my leg, before realizing I was soaked and shaking his head indignantly at me.

“Hey boy,” I said under my breath, well aware that it was cold enough to see my breath fogging up the night air. “Have you seen Terra?” I asked, stroking his fur with my cold hands.

He looked up at me, green eyes wide and curious. “Mrow?”

I sat down on the porch beneath the gable, petting Citrus for another few minutes, listening to the rain and his purring, and trying to breathe normally.

Where is she? My mind was going crazy, and I swore I felt hot tears welling up in my eyes.

I grabbed Citrus close and let out a single sob. The cat, more than a little disgruntled by my actions, meowed loudly in surprise and growled at me until I loosened my grip.

“S-sorry.” I stuttered, feeling my jaw tensing up and chattering from the cold. “I’m sorry.” I repeated, scratching the cat behind his ears.

The orange tabby mewled at me once more before reentering the house, and I sighed heavily.

Alone again.

I stood up and shook my head aggressively, feeling the raindrops flying out in all directions from my messy purple hair.

The rain had lightened up, and I knew that this was the only chance I had to get home without receiving another cold shower from mother nature.

As I descended the stairs, I swore I heard a voice inside, but then again, at this point, I was too tired, cold and sad to know if it was merely an auditory hallucination or not.

I fell into bed at Marnie’s place at 9 PM on the dot, and as I did, I tried to empty my mind of all these thoughts. Terra, my insecurities, my loneliness, everything. And as I eventually drifted off the sleep, around 2 in the morning, I dreamed of Terra and I’s first date.

The gridball game with the Tunnelers, the game where I kissed her suddenly out of excitement, and panicked, thinking I’d just ruined my chances with this wonderful woman who had given me hope again. As she kissed me back, I remember feeling everything fading into the shadows. The game’s noise, the crowd’s screams, the tipsy feeling inside my head, everything was gone. Only her and me.

And god, was it wonderful. The last Sunday of Fall, and the last game of the season. We’d won, but I barely even remember that part. I remembered the taste of her lips on mine. The faint scent of beer and fried food as I inhaled deeply, taking it all in.

Moments like that could drive an atheist to Yoba, because in that moment, I had kissed an angel.

On the bus ride home, she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder, hair messy, and a little bit tipsy herself. She was just so beautiful. Even as she drooled a bit on my jacket and made strange noises in her sleep, I just fell harder and harder for this woman every time I took a breath.

“Terra, I love you so much.” I said under my breath. “You give me hope that there is a future for me after all. You make me feel like I actually mean something to someone. You give me a reason to try harder, and I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done.”

A small snort answered my statement and I felt my face start to hurt from how wide I was smiling. “Terra, I think that I want to marry you someday. No, I know I do. Terra, I want to make me the happiest man alive…god this sounds so cheesy. I’m trying to say that…I love you. And I hope I can make you happy for the rest of my life.”

After the bus stopped in Pelican Town, I woke her and walked her home, thanking her for the wonderful time, and laughing at her jokes and her story about a funny dream she had on the ride home.

Of course, she didn’t know what I’d said, but I did. And those words were tattooed on my heart now. I want to marry her. I really, REALLY do. But I can’t propose without a Mermaid’s Pendant, and lord only knows how the hell you get one of those anymore.

Morris appeared in my dream, sly and shrewd. I knew he knew something, but there was no point in asking what he knew, because he would never tell me so long as he lived and breathed. He owed nothing to a stupid subordinate.

The night was long, and full of miniature dreams and nightmares in which I was alone and drowning in my fears.

God fucking damn it.

 Friday, 19 Spring, Year 2 – 8:20 AM

 A rolling fog had settled over the valley, and the walk to work was much chillier than usual.

The milky white haze was so thick that I could barely to the end of Marnie’s cow paddock. As I continued my walk, I wondered if maybe Terra would answer her phone.

I dialed her number and stared at her contact name as it rang. It read “Brat” with a purple heart emoji. I always wondered if she had me named something in her phone, especially since she was literally the only person in my contacts WITH a nickname.

“Hi this is Terra,” Her voice jolted me out of my daze.

“Terra, oh thank god, I was so worried—”

“Unfortunately, you caught me in the fields, on in the mines, or…whatever. Anyway, I’m not able to talk right now.” I exhaled. God, I was so stupid. Was I so desperate to hear her voice that I didn’t realize I’d gotten her voicemail? It’s not like I hadn’t heard it before.

I hung up. Even if I could competently leave a voicemail without enough “Uh’s” and “Um’s” to outdo Jeff Goldblum, I didn’t know what I’d say to her, much less if she wanted to hear it at all.

I sighed heavily, feeling like all my happiness was draining out of my fingertips into the foggy air.

I clenched my fists, in a vain attempt to stop myself from feeling so rotten. I didn’t have much say right now. After work, I could go to Pierre’s, or sit outside her house until she got home…actually no, the last one would just come across stalker-y. And at this point, the last thing I needed was to drive her further away.

God damn it! Damn it damn it damn it!

I kicked a rock into the mists of oblivion, hearing it splash into the river. I needed to get my dumb ass to work before I lost my job. Not like anyone else in town was hiring, so I’d be fucked if I lost the job.

So, dragging my feet more than I ever have in the past, I dragged my shallow corpse of a body into JojaMart.

 Friday, 19 Spring, Year 2 – 4:40 PM

 10 minutes until my shift ends. I said to myself, feebly attempting to ground myself in reality after the most out-of-it shift I’d ever had, even including all the ones I’d been forced to work while hungover.

The clock’s incessant ticking had me so high strung I was convinced that the next tick I’d hear would make me break the fucking thing over my knee.

A constant reminder of where I was, that ticking. A steady reminder that I’m wasting away stocking canned goods in a dead-end town for a corporate dunghill while the love of my life refuses to speak to me.

My eyes felt hollow, like they weren’t really seeing things, more like they just stared off into the blackness of nothingness and stayed there.

The snapping of Sam’s fingers in my face startled me back into reality. “Earth to Shane, hellooooo.”

“Sam?” I sounded almost drunk in my bewilderment, which wasn’t ideal right now. The last thing I need is for my coworker to think I’m zoning out because I’m drunk off my ass on-shift.

“Yeah, me.” He grinned his borderline obnoxious sunshiny smile. “Your shift ended like, 3 minutes ago. You’re usually out of here in a flash.”

I stared back at the clock I’d been fantasizing about murdering, surprised. He was right somehow.

“You’re one to talk, your shift ends at 4, what the hell are you doing here still?” I retorted, indignant at the younger man’s tone for no good reason.

Walls up.

“I fell asleep in the break room, don’t tell Morris.” He sniggered; way too proud of himself. “You going to the saloon? I’ll come with. I’ve got about twelve games of pool to lose tonight.”

I wasn’t thrilled by this bright and smiley tagalong, but it wasn’t like he was wrong. Where the hell else would I go? Not like anywhere else felt right today.

May as well let myself relapse like the coward I am.

“Sure. Give me a second to get out of this shitty uniform.” I said, disappearing into the break room.

 Friday, 19 Spring, Year 2 – 5:10 PM

 Sam wasn’t a bad guy really, but right now he was the worst guy for me to be around. He was too cheery, and far too talkative.

I thought the clock was annoying, but Sam reminded me far too much that I was a total wet blanket just by breathing with a smile.

“How was work, dude?” My mind didn’t really register the question until I heard the bells jingle as the door shut behind us.

“Uh?” I answered gracefully. “Oh, right. Work. Uh, um.” I stammered. Pathetic, Shane, you seriously suck shit at conversation. Why does anyone bother with you to begin with?

“Yeah, work. Good ol’ Joja.” Sam rolled his eyes. “Long day, huh?” He seemed sympathetic, but to me, that meant pity. And I didn’t need his pity.

“Yeah, sure.” I said.

Walls fortified.

“You okay?”

The fucking worst question of all. In the deluge of questions this kid asked me, that one bothered me most, and for really no good reason.

It made me angry, it made me want to cry, it made me want to scream, and it made me, most of all, just feel empty.

“Not really, Sam. Please stop talking.” Was the politest response I could manage.

Sam raised his finger as though he had something to say, but quickly decided against it.

Good. Please stop pressing me before I throw myself in the river and pack my coat full of stones.

We walked in silence for a while until we were passing the Mullner’s house, when Sam piped up again with a smile. “Hey Shane, I think tonight will help you get your mind off of…whatever’s going on.”

I stared at him, actually stopping in my tracks. Why did this kid sound so fucking condecending? And why did he give two shits about my mental wellbeing?

No one gave a shit about that, except Terra, and now she was gone.

“Why are you acting like you know me?” My voice was steeped in venom, probably more so than I’d intended. “Why do you give a fuck what’s going on with me?”

Sam stopped too, staring at me, worried.

“Stop acting like you understand me. It’s pissing me off.” I felt my face getting hot. It wasn’t anger, it was tears. “Get lost, kid.” I suppressed a sob, hurting my chest and making my eyes burn with tears.

Sam stepped toward me. “Shane, I didn’t mean—”

“SHUT UP!”

I turned around quickly as the tears fell. “Just…please…go away.” My voice choked. “Pl…ease.”

Sam took a deep breath, and then grabbed my arm, dragging me around the corner and through the door of the Stardrop Saloon.

“What the fuck are you--? Get your hands off me! Let me go! Get off!—” I struggled against his grip, but to no avail. I fell to the ground, and Sam dropped me. Suddenly, I heard a familiar voice.

“Shane?”

Turning around in a daze, I saw Terra. Golden earrings, brown hair tied neatly in a bun, familiar purple sweater, leather boots, and gorgeous blue eyes. My heart stopped for a moment, and then began rushing again as I realized I was still crying, on the floor, and in complete disarray.

“Terra—! I, um, hang on, I, wait, uhhhh…” I panicked and basically spilled out words like a semi-truck carrying nothing but alphabet soup crashed into a wall.

“Shane, what’s…?” Suddenly her eyes widened. “Oh my god, Shane.”

Her arms were around me instantly, her lips on my forehead, and suddenly I couldn’t feel anything. Numbness covered me the instant her hands made contact with my skin, and I couldn’t hear anything.

None of the noise from the tavern, none of the eyes staring, none of the tears on my cheeks, just her arms around me. I felt like I was home again.

I snapped out of it to hear Terra apologizing profusely, on the brink of tears, as I stared into nothing. “I’m so sorry, Shane, I didn’t think about how you’d interpret my actions, oh my god, I’m so sorry…”

“F…for wh…what?” I rasped, throat dry from dehydration. “It’s…my fault. Right?”

She stopped moving, stopping to stare at me. “Wh…what?”

“I fucked up…and…you…you finally realized…that I’m…just a…piece of shit.” I was dizzy, and Terra was growing increasingly more concerned.

“Baby, baby no!” She shouted her pet name for me, turning a few heads from the arcade area. My face was burning. No no no no don’t look at me. I bit my lower lip, suppressing a sharp inhalation that would have certainly made me start hyperventilating.

“Baby I…” Terra stopped and sat back, staring at me. “I was gone because I was…” She paused, pursing her lips.

“I was looking for this.”

She reached into her sweater and revealed a blue conch shell on a leather string.

It was a Mermaid’s Pendant.

Everything went white for a moment. Wait. She wasn’t serious, was she?

Me?

 I stared at her in complete shock, jaw gaping, breathless and completely incapable of saying anything. “Terra, you…”

“Shh.” She put her index finger to my lips and put the necklace around my neck. “Shane. Breathe.”

Right about now I noticed exactly how many people were surrounding us. Almost everyone from town was here. A Friday night at the saloon was busy enough already, but there were some new faces, like Jodi and Caroline, both of which I’d never seen in here before.

Everyone. Sebastian, Abigail, Alex, Willy, even LINUS, was staring down at us, as I felt my face heat up in embarrassment. She’d been planning this for days. Everyone was here. For us. For me.

“I…” I cleared my throat, scrambling to sit up straight, and try to recover whatever dignity was not currently ablaze in the depths of hell. “I…”

Terra looked concerned. Oh my god, she thought I was going to say no.

She’s just as scared as I am about what this means.

“I accept!!” I shouted.

Silence, then eruptions of applause.

Terra tackled me with a hug and began to cry into my chest. And unbeknownst to even myself, so did I. Gus cheered and turned on the jukebox to the oldies channel he always played. Sam smiled down at me, Sebastian congratulated me…Lewis tried talking to me about how to go about arranging a wedding, but I couldn’t hear him.

I was far too busy crying. Someone, no, not just anyone, TERRA, just told me that they want to spend the rest of their life with me. ME!

Part of me wondered if it wasn’t somehow just an elaborate prank, but the tears in her eyes and the pendant around my neck snapped me out of that illusion immediately.

Terra was going to be my wife.

Holy shit.

 After the commotion died down I asked her everything I’d been meaning to ask over a well-deserved beer and basket of chips. “Why did you actively avoid me for the last week?”

“I’m a really bad liar and I know how perceptive you are, and I was really worried you’d find me out. I wanted to invite everyone because they’re all really important to me, but it was hard getting around without running into you.”

She looked incredibly guilty, and I felt my heart tighten at the sad look on her face. “Hey, hey, it’s okay.” I laughed a little. “Just…give a guy a warning…or something.” I took a huge sip of beer. “I mean, I was basically staying up all night thinking you were ghosting me because I left a beer can on the floor when you visited on Sunday.”

“The what?” Her oblivious question made me realize exactly how stuck up in my head I was about the whole thing, of course she hadn’t even noticed.

“Wow.” I exhaled. “I feel…stupid.”

“That makes two of us.” She replied, putting her head gently on my shoulder. “I didn’t even think about how this might affect your anxiety.” She bit her lip. “God, I’m an idiot.” She slumped, seeing her so broken up over my mental state destroyed any lingering doubts I may have had about how genuine she was being with me.

“Terra, baby…I…” I stopped. I was about to tell her that she wouldn’t have HAD to worry if I were normal, but I stopped myself. I wasn’t great at sitting and talking feelings with a borderline stranger, but there was one thing I’d learned in abundance in the short time since I began therapy.

I couldn’t keep blaming myself for everything. I would consume myself and end up even worse off. And it had been a battle to stop, especially considering recent stressors.

“We both messed up, baby.” I answered. “You made a mistake, and I got super worried and convinced myself that you were breaking up with me in a slow and painful way. And worst of all, I was convinced I deserved it.” I paused as Terra looked up at me. “Baby, I want to marry you. I’ve wanted to marry you since that night at the gridball game, but I’m such a goddamn trainwreck that I wanted to get better before I proposed. I…”

“I wanted to be worthy of you.”

Terra looked into my eyes with a lot of confusion and a lot of love.

“That’s when I decided I wanted to marry you, too.” She blushed a deep pink and looked at the floor. “I…heard you saying how much you loved me in my dreams.”

I froze. Wait. Had she also heard the—

“I heard you tell me you wanted to marry me, too.”

I felt my face burning. Fuck. I was hoping she wasn’t going to say that.

“After a few days of thinking about it, I decided to look into how to propose.” She continued, laughing. “I eventually found out, about halfway through winter, that I needed to propose using a Mermaid’s Pendant, which can only be received from a ghost you can find in the RAINY season.” She scoffed. “I was really angry about having to wait, actually.”

Seeing her pout about this was adorable, even though I had no goddamn clue what she was talking about with a “ghost” and the “winter” and “rain.”

“I only got the pendant yesterday, actually. I was on the beach at like 6 PM and I saw the Old Mariner standing on the island across the bridge.”

“It cost me a lot of money, so I spent the rest of the night at the beach, fishing up some big fish to sell to repair the dent in my funds.”

Wait. “How much did it…cost?” I said, concerned.

“It’s…not a big deal now. I got the money back from a good harvest and quality fish.” She smiled a toothy grin. She knew what I was doing. I was fishing for a reason to blame myself, and she put an end to that right quick.

“Hey Shane,” Sam’s voice came from behind me. “Hey dude.”

I turned to face him. “Hey…uh, I’m sorry about earlier.” I scratched the back of my head awkwardly. This kid was just trying to help and I’d just yelled at him and made myself out to be a total ass.

“No, no, I get it, man.” He held up his hands as his two friends ducked out the doors of the saloon. “I would have been really confused and angry too. And I know now that you have a lot of anxiety and…a lot of baggage.” He paused, glancing at me, as if looking for approval. “I shouldn’t have forced you, and I’m sorry too.”

I smiled, and Sam looked at me as though he were witnessing a unicorn cantering through the fields of heaven. I guess it really was true how little I smiled in public, good lord. “I appreciate what you did for me, Sam.” I put my hand out to shake his hand, and he reluctantly accepted. “Thanks.”

“For…wait, what?”

“Thank you for being such a good friend to Terra, and for helping me out, even though I’ve been nothing but unpleasant to you.”

“Uh, no problem, man, I just…I’m glad that it all worked out.”

Sam ducked out, and I felt my nerves cough and sputter out like a dying lawnmower.

“Shane,” Terra said my name and snapped me out of my drowsy stupor. “You should get home. You’ve had a long day.” She smiled. “We can get together and plan the wedding tomorrow. I’m thinking the 22nd would be a good date.”

Wedding. God that word sounded foreign to me.

“Alright,” I sighed. “Let’s blow this joint.”

Waving at Gus and Lewis as I left, Terra and I ventured out into the cold.

As we started toward Marnie’s ranch, I paused.

“Wait, Terra, the 22nd is a Monday.” I felt my heartbeat trying to race, but falling victim to my slightly intoxicated bloodstream. “We can’t possibly get married then, I have…ugh…work.” I grimaced.

“Oh, about that.” Terra laughed. “I may or may not have prematurely gotten the next week of work off for you by talking to Morris.”

The pieces connected suddenly. “Wait, that’s what you were doing?”

“Well, yeah, what, did you think I went in there to blow the bastard? I’d rather die.” I laughed loudly at her crudeness, spooking a rabbit into a bush nearby. “It wasn’t easy. We can do Monday, Tuesday, any day. I just think that Monday is best because then we’ll have a whole week to move you in and get adjusted.”

Moving in? Oh god, that was something that made my heart leap. I’d be living with Terra. Holy shit. Married and living with the love of my life, and by MONDAY? This was clearly all a ridiculous dream.

“Fuck, pinch me.” I said breathily. “I have GOT to be dreaming.”

“Why so?” She laughed. “I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing.” She added coyly.

“Oh shaddup.” I retorted. “I…still can’t believe any of this is real.”

She leaned over and kissed me square on the lips, tilting her head to the right and bending into me with a passion that not even the horniest dream could manifest.

Her tongue danced behind her lips, asking permission, and I opened my mouth, allowing her access, grunting slightly as her hands caressed the back of my head, stroking my hair.

She pulled away, leaving me wanting more. “Are you convinced now?”

I shook my head. “God damn, how did I get so fucking lucky?” Laughing, I caressed her cheek, kissing her forehead. “Seriously, what did I do to deserve you?”

She beamed at me, grabbing my hand and continuing to walk toward Marnie’s. “You went through hell every day, waiting for someone to love you.” She turned back. “It took me…a long time to realize what I felt for you. I realized rather suddenly actually, after…that day.”

She couldn’t meet my eyes for that moment, and I knew that it still haunted her. The blood, the broken glass, the cuts, the beer, everything. I realized in that moment what I would have lost, had I succeeded. I would have missed out on everything good that had ever happened to me.

She interlaced her fingers with mine. “We fit like a pair of puzzle pieces.” She said. “And without you, I don’t feel like I’m complete anymore.”

“Terra, I…I don’t think I knew what “complete” felt like until I heard you talking to me when I was resting at the clinic after…all that. I heard you saying that you might love me, but that being in love scared you. You kissed my cheek, my bandages, and when I officially “woke up”, I just remember feeling…whole.”

Terra blushed. Clearly we both had said things to the other when they were “sleeping” that we were shy about saying to the others’ faces. “Terra, you’ve made me the happiest man in the world, and EASILY the happiest man in Stardew Valley.” I said, turning to her.

I took her hands in mine and kissed her gently, feeling all the worries and fears of the day wash away like the tides rolling out to sea. “I will never stop loving you. And I will do my damnedest to make you the happiest woman alive.”

“I love you.”

[gremlinsae]

My Story + Current Situation

I don't know how to begin this post. To be honest, what I'm about to tell y'all may not help me out in any way other than giving me an outlet to vent. Fair warning, this is going to be a long post and I may ramble a bit but I'll add a tldr; at the end. 

Sigh.

Let me start from the beginning.

My name is Stacey. I turn 25 years old on April 24th, 2019.

My story begins when I was 19 years old - a freshman at my local university. I was finishing up my first year of my undergraduate program in Biology, aiming to get a Masters or PhD in Genetics. I had many accomplishments; I was awarded a scholarship because of my GPA, a group project I was a part of won 1st place in a writing competition because our independent research paper was the best, and I was just living life and working on my future. I had to take the bus everywhere, I was moving around a lot, and I was working out regularly at my university's gym. One day, as I'm walking to the bus stop, it felt like my right hip popped out of place and then slammed back in. 

At the time, it was a minor inconvenience. It hurt, yes, but it mostly just left me sore and it went away with some rest so I didn't think much about it. 

I started questioning it more when it happened again over summer break. I was at a friend's house playing D&D when I felt an acute grinding sensation in my right hip joint as I stood up to get me a soda. This time, the pain was significantly worse - sharp and it took longer to go away. I started thinking that I was developing arthritis as my dad also got it young. 

It took a while to happen again...but when it did, it got to a point where I couldn't ignore it at all.

I had picked up a seasonal job at Macy's. My first day on the sale's floor was Thanksgiving night going into Black Friday. We were understaffed and it was hell, but I made it through my shift which ended at 2:00 AM. A co-worker came to me and asked if I could pick up her shift the following morning and I took it because I wanted to work. On Black Friday, I started feeling that grinding sensation in my hip again but I worked through it - blowing it off as simple arthritis. I believed rest would help.

That following Saturday, I had another 8 hour shift but this time it was in juniors which was the busiest area. I was moving around a lot, had to bend over to pick things up off the floor, and I'm not even going to get into the mess left in the dressing rooms. Towards the end of my shift, I was limping. The grinding sensation only got worse and suddenly my hip was locked up. I could barely move and when I did I experienced sharp intense pain. I left an hour early because I could no longer do my job. I thought maybe I just picked up too many hours, so I decided to take the rest of the weekend to rest.

But the pain didn't go away with rest. I was in pain for 2 weeks straight, hardly able to walk, before I finally went to see a doctor. I limped my way to the university health center and scheduled an appointment. The lady who saw me performed a simple hip exam. I wasn't able to walk much, so she mostly checked my hip flexion. Off the bat, I knew that I had lost some range of motion as we could barely bring my knee to my chest without pain. The fun part happened as she was guiding my leg back down.

My femoral head caught on my hip bone. It was audible, and yes it hurt.

She had a look of shock as she said, "You are way too young for this." 

I was prescribed diclofenac for the inflammation and cyclobenzaprine (flexeril) to relax my muscles and help me sleep through the pain. That same night, my mom took me to the ER and I had a x-ray done on my hip. The radiologist said that there was a slight chance I had femoroacetabular impingement (FAI) (in layman's terms: the bones are misshapen) on both hips, but would need more imaging to truly determine a diagnosis. I was prescribed hydrocodone (vicodin) for about a week to try and manage the pain until I could get insurance and see a specialist. 

That's where the fun part started.

Since I turned 19 that year, I was no longer covered under CHIPS Medicaid. I applied again, but was told that I do not qualify because I didn't have any children.

Yeah...you read that right. The state of Texas does not extend benefits to anyone over 19 without children. 

My only choice was a county program that helps low income people get medications and treatment so they can get back to work. I wasn't able to apply until months later (a combination of not having my own transportation, busy schedules, and my mom trying to convince me that I would be denied.)

I was 20 years old when I finally found a doctor (we'll call him Dr. D) that could help me figure out what was going on in my hip joint. He took it seriously - performed another hip exam and ordered several lab tests. We checked everything under the sun: cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, etc. He got me on physical therapy, changed out my diclofenac to meloxicam (mobic), ordered me an MRI, and referred me to an orthopedic specialist to determine how we needed to move forward.

The MRI I had was without contrast. The result was greater trochanter bursitis, or inflammation of the bursa which are sacs filled with synovial fluid that help cushion joint movement. 

When I saw the specialist in November of 2014, the chronic bursitis was the sign that something was definitely wrong with my hip. I was only 20 years old with no traumatic injury. Chronic bursitis is not common in someone that young, so he ordered me an MRI with contrast so that they could have better imaging of my joint. My husband's grandparents paid the $932 to get it done in December and it was honestly one of the worst things I had ever gone through. When they injected the dye into my hip, the numbing agent didn't work and it hit a nerve HARD and my entire body convulsed. They injected more of the numbing agent, but that also didn't work so again my entire body convulsed as they tried to get the dye in. The third time worked because they decided to give me a stronger numbing agent...but it messed my hip up. I walked funny for three days.

When I finally saw the specialist again about the results (several months later because of an issue with scheduling), not only did I have bursitis but they also confirmed that I had cam type FAI (layman's terms: the deformity is on the femoral head) and a 9mm labral tear. 

Since the condition was causing joint damage, the answer was surgery.

I was sent back to my primary care physician's office, but unfortunately Dr. D wasn't available so I saw a different doctor. (This may seem irrelevant, but it is actually very important.) I told her EXACTLY what the specialist told me, which was that I needed to get sent to San Antonio or Galveston in order to get treatment. 

The referral was denied.

I was assigned a new doctor. We'll call him Dr. S. He told me about the denial when I had asked about it during an appointment for a different issue. I remember crying because I had no idea what to do. I was only 21 years old - I didn't know how to navigate the medical system! Plus, I was very very broke. I won't go into too much detail, but I was forced to move out of my parent's because my dad is irresponsible and I was put in a massive amount of credit card debt because my own mother stole my identity and I ended up having to pay the bill for it because my mom was diagnosed with cancer and couldn't work anymore. 

(This is only surface level by the way. The last 5-6 years have been absolute hell.)

That summer I was working two jobs. I had a GoFundMe page and I was just trying to save up enough money to possibly get me on an insurance plan to cover the surgery. I came home every night limping and crying, my husband having to half carry me and help me get into a hot bath just to try and bring the pain down enough so that I could do it all again the next day. School was rough as well and my grades were dropping.

I was destroying my body so much that it got to a point where I could no longer do my job as a sale's associate at Macy's. My managers were amazing and they did everything they could to help accommodate me, but it got to a point where I was unable to finish shifts due to pain and I was calling out often. I was running low on my attendance credits and I didn't want to be fired for absenteeism. 

I go back to see Dr. S and I tell him I really need something, anything. What I was doing wasn't getting me anywhere and my condition was getting worse due to the progressive joint damage. He didn't really know what to do...saying things like "I can' believe they denied you - the whole point of the program is to help people get their treatment and yet they're denying you." I told him I had heard something about an orthopedic program at one of the hospitals in network and he put in a request for me to see one of their surgeons. 

I never got a response.

At the time, I really couldn't pursue the issue - I changed from a sale's associate to a wedding gift registry advisor at Macy's. It was a desk job which really helped keep my hip under control, but the problem was that my hours were reduced and I had no way of picking up more like I did with my previous position. I was having to donate plasma so often just to have food money that I actually have a permanent scar on my left arm.

I loved that job, but it barely paid the bills. I took a semester off of school so I could focus on working and babysitting my nephew due to a family emergency. Thankfully my in-laws paid me. Even though it was something I would have done for free, it really helped out.

But then Macy's had a huge company layoff in January 2017...and I was affected. The position I had was being removed from my local store, so I was without a job. My depression took a big hit and it almost ruined my relationship with my husband. I wasn't taking care of myself, I wasn't doing my responsibilities that were required for my unemployment benefits and my insurance, and I basically became extremely dependent on my husband to a point that our relationship became unhealthy. It took a while to get me out of that rut. I started applying for jobs and I ended up getting hired by Aflac around the end of April, but I had to get my driver's license before I could be officially on board.

I understand that the above may not seem relevant, but...that summer was when things got even worse.

I wasn't able to get my license in time to take the position, but that was only a part of the issue. In July, I was helping my husband's business at a convention when I had one of the worst flares I've ever had. I had twisted the wrong way, causing my femur to catch on my hip bone, and I ended up on the floor in fetal position.

At best, the pain felt like I was being stabbed with an ice pick. At worst, it felt like every tiny movement I made was splintering my hip bone. The splintering sensation I had felt before, but not to this degree. My hip was locked and it felt like I was stuck in a vice. On the pain scale, I was around a 9. It was unbearable. I ended up in the ER where the only thing they could do was give me a shot and a prescription for Tylenol 3 (acetaminophen + codeine) to help me get through it...

Neither the shot or the medicine worked. While my hip was unlocked, I was still experiencing sharp pain that was so deep in my hip bone that none of the medications touched it.

It hurt...it hurt intensely and consistently. 

It got to a point where I had to borrow flexeril and tramadolfrom someone while I was trying to renew my insurance. Yes, I'm aware that this is illegal - but I was out of flexeril and the meloxicam wasn't working so we were trying to get me through the MULTIPLE flares I was having even when I didn't do anything to aggravate my hip. The end of 2017 was exhausting for multiple reasons.

Once I got back on the county program, I had an appointment scheduled with a new doctor (we'll call her Dr. P) because Dr. S was no longer working in network. 

The week of my appointment...was really rough. We had to put our dog down at 2 years old because he had severe chylothorax and we didn't have the money or the means to seek treatment (plus it was so severe that seeking treatment could have killed him.) A few days later, Hurricane Harvey hit and my area was badly affected. My appointment had to be rescheduled. 

I saw several different doctors in the following months because Dr. P never had an opening available. I ended up needing a wheelchair to get around because my standing/walking limit was drastically reduced. I'm lucky to be able to stand for 10-15 minutes now compared to the 1.5 - 2 hours it used to be. I tried to apply for medicaid again, but was denied and advised to try and apply for disability. I didn't have enough credits to apply through social security so I found an attorney and just gave it a shot. However, I got a rejection letter for representation due to the information that they received from my doctor's office.

I start questioning things at this point. What did they tell the disability attorney? We knew I needed surgery and that my condition was getting worse. What could my doctor have told the attorney that resulted in a denial?

I didn't see Dr. P until May of 2018 and apparently, she had no record of my diagnosis and my need for surgery. The only imaging she could find on file was my very first MRI (without contrast) and so she was under the impression that the only issue was mild inflammation in my right hip. 

I was pissed.

I ended up having to redo the entire process. I see the very same specialist again and he didn't remember me. I had to get another MRI done and he requested an x-ray right before my appointment, but he never went over the results with me. He basically told me I need to "put up with it" and ordered me a fluoroscopy guided injection. 

I get the injection in October and literally minutes afterward I start crying because of how overwhelmed I was at no longer being in pain. To give y'all an idea, chronic pain isn't always intense pain 24/7. For me, it feels like my hip is constantly bruised. I usually hover around a 2-3 on the pain scale and the more I move the higher it gets. IT IS EXHAUSTING. To finally feel "normal" again was so overwhelming for me that I was a sobbing mess as we walked back to the car. 

That week I was so happy. My mental health immediately improved. I was able to walk around, go up and down stairs, even go on a camping trip with my ecology class and go hiking! All these things that I wanted to do I could finally do again with only minimal and MANAGEABLE pain. I still took it easy, but I was finally able to enjoy my life again.

...

The following Monday, a week after the injection, I woke up in severe pain. I had felt the familiar twinge the night before, resulting in an anxiety attack because of the fear my hip pain was returning...and unfortunately my fear came true. The injection normally lasts a few months...for me, it lasted one week. 

I go see the specialist for the follow up appointment regarding the injection. He seemed kind of confused, saying things like "At least now we know the problem is your hip." I was beyond frustrated because WE KNEW FOR YEARS THE PROBLEM WAS MY HIP. He wasn't listening to me! He even asked me if he had talked about surgery the last time I saw him and I told him YES. So to wrap up the appointment, he gives me a half-assed hip exam and requests that my PCP put in a referral for orthopedic surgery...again. My depression hits its lowest point. I even contemplated suicide and had to start therapy. Overall, I was not in a good place.

I don't hear anything about the referral for months so I call and they tell me there are no orthopedic surgeons at the moment. So I make another appointment but this time I see a different doctor that we will call Dr. I because she was the one who put in the request for the referral. She was amazing! She listened to me, didn't interrupt me, and she worked to make sure we got details regarding any hold ups so I wasn't left in the dark. She even performed a standard hip exam on me to measure how bad my hip got. Anyway, she finds out that yes - everyone with the clinic card does not currently have an orthopedic surgeon because the contract with the previous one ended and was not being renewed. She encouraged me to keep calling, at least once at month, to check on the status of their hiring. 

My first call was in February of 2019 and not only was I told that there still wasn't any orthopedic surgeons...the county had also decided to no longer cover hip surgery as of this year. 

I was LIVID.

I made an appointment with Dr. P and was seen literally the next day because I was DONE. We gathered all the info we could to prove to them that I had been seeking treatment for years. She listened and she took me seriously. She put in a new referral that aimed to get me a one time approval, ordered physical therapy, and referred me back to the specialist so we could get this done. She also prescribed me gabapentin to help me out with some of the nerve pain I was experiencing because as of the end of 2018, my hip pain was causing issues with my knee. As of 2019, my ankle and foot started being affected as well. She theorized it was due to nerve damage and so she put a note on my referral for it to get done ASAP.

Which brings us to the present. I went to physical therapy and it caused me to flare up...repeatedly. I ended up having to resign from my job (that I only had for a month) because my absences were atrocious and I was constantly having to update my accommodations just so we can attempt to have my absenteeism reduced. (In the end, I had to chose between voluntarily resigning and be eligible for rehire in 30 days or risk being terminated and not being eligible for 3 years.) My last physical therapy appointment was Friday, April 12th because during my exercises my femur caught on my hip bone and caused a severe flare. The physical therapist put a stop on my therapy until after I saw the specialist because it was only causing me more trauma. 

Today, April 17th, I saw the specialist and we finally figured out why I never received the treatment I needed. To reiterate, we are on year 5since I first got on the county aid and started seeking help from them.

It turns out, all of my referrals were done incorrectly.

I was being referred to the local orthopedic department which can not do the procedure I need. On top of that, the specialist was trying to order me an arthroscopy for DIAGNOSTIC purposes - not an arthroscopic surgery. Somewhere in the mix there was massive miscommunication and things were not being documented correctly. My PCPs had no idea how to handle my case so it ended up being mishandled entirely.

Essentially, the specialist brought in someone from an internal department and they are now taking over my case because this is grounds for a class action law suit and they want to avoid that at all costs. She explained to me where the block happened and that they were no longer going through my primary care physician for referrals because it would risk continued miscommunication.

They admitted that the fault was on them. I understand why this happened because the hospital I go through is in a major transitional phase and they've been tearing down the trauma center and relocating, building new clinics, updating, etc. I even told her and the specialist that I am not mad at any one person, that I do understand - but they have to understand that I was a victim of this. I experienced YEARS of suffering that affected my physical and mental health, my education, and my ability to work. My condition has devolved to a point it never should have and it may have permanent life altering repercussions. My surgery may go from a simple fix to needing a replacement which would result in at least 2 more replacements later on in my life since they do have an expiration date and I am only 24 going on 25.

TLDR; because of the transitional state my hospital is in plus the fact that I was jumping between multiple doctors, there was miscommunication regarding the treatment for my FAI and it led to my referrals being done incorrectly...and I suffered for it. I am now waiting on a referral that will send me up to San Antonio where they will be taking arthroscopic images of my hip joint so that we can further determine how to proceed with treatment. I may pursue legal action, but ultimately I just want something done so I can get on with my life.

⬇️

So why am I posting all of this information here?

Because of the fact that I am now out of a job again, plus everything that I had explained above, I am opening up EMERGENCY commissions. We have bills to pay and we also need to be able to pay for this trip to San Antonio and unfortunately, my husband (who is currently employed by my previous employer, go figure) is not making enough to keep us afloat. We are in the red and will not make it through May at this point so we are already working on selling some extra stuff and getting ready to make some major sacrifices. 

I mostly write Victuuri but am willing to discuss other pairings. If you have any questions regarding what I will or will not write, just shoot me a message on twitter and we can discuss it. 

Commissions will be pay what you want - no minimum. I'll literally take anything at this point. I know my writing can be a bit inconsistent so I don't feel right setting a price. Here's the link to my ko-fi page.

All I ask is to please understand if the commission takes a while to get out. I have real life things to take care of and sometimes my medicine makes it hard for me to stare at my computer screen. Just trust that I will get it done. 

I'm currently working on a piece for hentipie. I'm hoping to have it out this weekend so prepare to see that soon! It won't be posted here due to the rating though, so you'll have to look for it on AO3.

Anyway, for those of you who took the time to read this ridiculous chunk of text, thank you. If you can't help me out financially that is perfectly fine. I know and understand the struggle so don't feel bad by my sob story. I just needed to get this out.

Talk to y'all again soon! <3

-Sae

[liorasophie]

What Depression Feels Like - For People Who Want To Understand

You are traveling through a dark tunnel, forever. And sure, there’s a light at the end of it but it stays far away, and it’s not getting any closer, and you don’t know how much further it is, and you don’t know how much longer you can take the darkness.

Do you know what it’s like to feel trapped? To not know if it’s ever going to get better, if it’s ever going to completely go away? To look at your life, at the reality you live in, and think, the entire rest of my life is going to feel like this. I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel different.

I think about years, enormous amounts of time you have already spent hoping, waiting, wishing for something to change and for things to get better and they’ve gotten worse, or they’ve gotten a little better and then gotten worse again. To just never know when it’s going to be over. 

And you think of all the dreams that you’ve had in your life, all the things you wanted to do, the roles you wanted to fill and the people you wanted to be with or anything you imagined yourself doing. And just imagine yourself in those moments, in those roles, feeling emotionally the way you do now. Try to imagine yourself being a mother while battling this debilitating level of depression and anxiety. It just doesn’t work. You fail. The image fails. Because you can’t be a mom if you’re this depressed. In order to be a mom, you need to have enough resources to take care of other people, not just yourself. The depression takes so much of you, it drains so much of your energy that you’re left with 20% of your capacity in the first place, and then you barely have enough to get through the day. There’s no way you can take care of another person from this place.

And so you don’t know. People say “Well don’t kill yourself, because there’s so much to live for.” And they’re right; of course there’s so much to live for. But that just hurts that much more, because you think of all those things that are worth living for, all those amazing people, all those places you haven’t been yet, things you haven’t seen, haven’t done, promises you have not yet fulfilled, and you want to do them. You want to finish writing that book, you want to travel to that country. You want to have that dance on that night with that person… And you want to. And you choose to. But the price is heavy sometimes. Because if you want to do those things, you have to stay alive; and staying alive means feeling this pain day after day after day for God-knows-how-many years and you don’t know.

And no one can tell you because nobody else knows. And they’re trying to help you. God knows everyone is trying to help. And there are new ways and new ideas all the time and everything takes so much time and patience. You try new medication, and you have to give it 6 weeks to even start making a difference, and then you have to give it a few months to see if things get better. So you’re already 4 months into the treatment, when you discover it’s not working. So you wean off it, you try a different drug. And every time you try a new drug there are side effects. And sometimes you take drugs to treat the side effects. And drugs for the side effects have their own side effects.

Reality is a nightmare, and when you close your eyes and you sleep, you have nightmares. Everywhere you look, you have nightmares. You can’t escape into anything except for numbness.

And you’re so so tired. You’re exhausted. You are mortally exhausted. There’s no way to describe this level of exhaustion that you are experiencing. So you lie down in bed and you tell yourself “all right, I’m going to sleep now because I’m so tired.” But you’re afraid because you don’t want to have nightmares. So you force yourself to stay awake, because if you sleep during the daytime, then your dreams are okay. Or maybe you won’t have any dreams. or maybe you will but you won’t remember them, or you won’t experience them in such a lucid, vivid state that when you wake up you’ll be terrified. So you sleep during the day. You sleep from 6am to 2-3 in the afternoon. And your schedule flips and you get sunlight deprivation. And you get more and more depressed and the cycle continues endlessly.

And then you tell yourself, “all right, you know what? I’m going to change this. I’m going to do something. I can change this. I have the power to get better.” You make a commitment, you’re going to start getting better. So you do what you need to do. You get out of bed early even though it’s painful and your whole body is screaming in protest. But you do it anyway. And it’s freezing and you’re miserable and bitchy and you just want to kill someone. but you’re up. So, great. You get through the day.

But you’re so tired.

But that’s okay, right? because you’ll go to bed at a decent hour. but you don’t go to bed at a decent hour. But you’ve been waking up early, so you do it again. Because this is what you are doing. You are determined! You have a choice! And you make that choice every day again and again.

And every day you are so tired you want to die.

And you wake up early, because that’s what you decided you’re going to do. But now you’re tired at 6 in the evening. and it feels like you’re just doing it because that’s what’s expected of you. You’re doing it because normal people are awake during the day, and you’re not a vampire. It doesn’t feel like there’s any reward. I mean, it feels less bad to get up early than it does to sleep in until 2. But it doesn’t feel good. You’re still not happy. You’re still angry and tense and tired and cranky and miserable all the time.

And after a certain amount of time trying to push that and seeing no change, or being able to be thrown off course so easily… you know, you miss 2 days in a row and everything goes to hell. You have to start from the beginning.

You’re so weak.

You can get blown off course by the tiniest breeze. You’re so high strung, the smallest, stupidest things throw you totally off track. Some nobody who’s not important to your life says something that offends you, even the tiniest thing, you can just explode. You can just take it and cry. You can walk out of the library and cry all the way to the front gate and just feel like your day is ruined and go into a panic and have to call someone and have them talk you through breathing exercises until you calm down. Just because some nobody said something stupid to you in the library. And it’s not like you haven’t handled that before. Come on. You totally have.

But it’s harder now. Because you’re walking through the world with burned skin. And everything hurts like hell. Everything hurts like murder. Everything hurts like death. Nothing is gentle, nothing is a little bit, nothing is half way. Everything is pain and suffering. Everything is torture.

And it’s exhausting.

It’s really really exhausting.

And at the end of the day you are so tired.

People want to help, right? The people around you want to help. They don’t want you to be miserable. So they give you their advice. And their advice is, “You can just choose to get better. You just have to make the decision. Gotta take control of your life and just make the decision to just get better. You can make things better. It’s up to you.”

But that doesn’t empower you. It empowers them. But what you hear is, you’re not trying hard enough to fight this. In fact it’s your fault that you’re suffering. If you wanted to get out of this enough, then you would. If you wanted to stop this, you could.

And that feels like murder. Because everything feels like murder.

And it digs deeper and deeper into your chest, burrowing into your conscience. There’s nothing you can do.

And maybe they’re right. You sometimes suspect that there is a part of you that wants to stay here, that wants to stay in the depression. It’s easy. It’s easy to shirk adult responsibilities. Those things are hard. The real world is hard. Functioning is hard. Getting through the day as an adult is hard. Adulting is hard. It’s easier, in a sense, to be a non-functional couch potato. And so there’s something tempting about just staying there and not working hard to get out, to break free.

But that’s also not really a choice. That’s an addiction. It’s not a conscious choice you’re making. It’s not like you’re choosing to stay depressed. Of course you’re not. Nobody would ever make that choice.

But you also can’t just choose to make it go away. And still there are people around you who tell you you can. And that just makes you hate yourself on top of how much you already hate yourself. Because you’re not yourself. Your real self is buried beneath layers of rubble and debris from the explosions of pain and suffering and it’s going to be years before you’ve dusted that self off enough to really recognize it. For now it’s buried so deep under the damage that you don’t even really remember what it looks like. And you try to hard to hold on to the hope that one day that person will return and one day that person will be you again.

But right now you’re like a shell of yourself. it’s like your body is still here but your soul is gone. and you’re trying to live with only a body. it works, whatever, it operates. You feed it, you get calories..but most of the day we use emotional and mental energy to push ourselves through challenges, because that’s what we’ve been learning our whole lives. Because physical confrontations are not enough. physical tools are not enough. So we use our mental and emotional resources. But you don’t have those.

And that’s crippling! But not the kind of crippling that gets you a free parking space. Not the kind of crippling that gets you to the front of a line. Not the kind of crippling that anybody sees or knows exists. So while being crippled, you have to pretend to be normal. And you have to live up to the same standards that everyone around you who is able is living up to. And that is unfair and unjust.

The brain, just like any other body part, is an organ. And like any other organ, the brain can get sick. And it does. But it’s hidden away, it’s so hard to see on the outside. Because the symptoms are so metaphysical. They’re so invisible.

And then there’s always this internal struggle. For some reason, self-pity is a big factor in the equation. So if you see yourself as a sick person, people tell you that’s not healthy. You shouldn’t see yourself as a sick person. OK, well…am I healthy? Because if I’m healthy, that makes me a really shitty person. Because if I’m fine, then I turned out to be a real asshole. A weak, spineless, indifferent asshole. I have no aspirations, no empathy, No emotional intelligence. no goals or skills. I’m lazy and clumsy and filthy. And I don’t care. I’m selfish and materialistic. And I didn’t used to be any of those things. None of those traits fit the person I remember myself as. So where is that person? How do I bring them back to the surface? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can. I feel so lost and helpless. I feel so out of control. I don’t know if I can get control of the wheel.

It’s as if someone else is pressing down on me, keeping me shut inside a container and pushing hard and no matter what I do to try to get out of it…if I make an incredible strong motion and get one hand off, they just find something else, or they get help, or they put a foot back in place.. They find another way to keep the lid on tight so that I stay stuffed inside this goddamn container. And it’s dark in there, and stuffy, and limiting, and lonely. And you don’t know how much time has passed. you lose track of everything. and you don’t know when you’re going to get out. And you keep trying. You try everything you know how to do. And every time one thing feels like it works for a minute, something else comes along and throws another obstacle in your path. And you fall flat on your face. 

And you look around and you think, crap. I am so, so tired.

And sure, you’re going to have the strength of spirit, you’re going to have the determination to get back up from that failure. because you know, you’ve read those posts, those inspiring paragraphs that say “failure is when you fall and don’t get back up again. So when you fall, always get back up and keep going.” So you get back up a couple times. 3, 4,5, 10, 20, 50, 500 times. And maybe 501 or maybe 502, maybe 510 or the 511th time that you fall flat on your face in the mud, maybe that’s going to be the time when you’re just too tired to get back up.

And maybe not. Maybe you’ll look around and say No. I can do this. I can get help. And you’re going to get all the help you can find. And you’re going to gather all the strength you can muster and pull yourself up out of the dirt and drag your feet, which are actually glued to the ground. You’re going to drag them with you, hauling a thousand tons of weight behind you. And you’re going to keep walking because that’s what you do. And then you’re going to trip on your face again. And then there’s going to be no one else around because they’ve already helped you get up the last time. And they’re tired.

And you’re tired.

And you look around, and you look in front of you and you see that that light at the end of the tunnel is still there. And it is still just as far away as it was the night before. And you don’t know when it is going to come any closer.

And you are so. Damn. Tired.

[survey1000]

72. A happy soul is the best shield for a cruel world.

x1 Would you ever share a site password with a family member or partner?: I wouldn’t ever be the first to suggest it.

x2 What if they asked you? Would you still decline?: Yeah, I would just to prove that I have nothing to hide, but it would upset me that they don’t trust me enough.

x3 Have you ever misjudged whether or not you could trust someone?: Yeah, more than once sadly.

x4 Has anyone ever told you they couldn’t trust you?: I don’t think anyone has ever told me that specifically to my face, but I recall people not wanting to tell me something because of various reasons (giving me a hint that I wasn’t allowed to know those things).

x5 Who in your family has the prettiest eyes?: My sister I would say, ever since she was a baby she’s had these deep blue eyes.

x6 Do you think that fishing and hunting are wrong? Why or why not?: I don’t view them as wrong when you hunt or fish to feed yourself because you wouldn’t have anything else to eat otherwise, like Native people do for example, but if you’re just shooting animals without the intent of eating the meat, than yes I am against it.

x7 Would you ever want to go on a fishing or hunting trip?: Yeah, I’ve done both a few times.

x8 What is an odd food item you would like to try, or have tried?: I don’t think I’ve tried anything odd and I can’t think of any odd food item I would like to try.

x9 When|If you drive, do you go the speed limit?: Well since I’ve only ever drove with my drivers ed teacher or my Papa, yes all the time haha.

x1o Are you an aggressive driver? Or more passive-aggressive?: I’m probably in between right now, I curse and swear at the stupid drivers but I’ve never given someone the finger or honked the horn at them, maybe once I can drive by myself haha.

x11 Describe a hairstyle you had as a little kid?: When I was a toddler I had light brown wavy hair that kind of reminded me of what a mullet would look like lol.

x13 Are you good at thinking abstractly, or “outside of the box”?: Usually.

x14 What routine of yours would you most hate to break?: Probably my work routine, throughout the week I get up to go to work for 5:30am and during the weekend I get up for 6am, so I have to go to bed fairly early for most 20 year old’s. When I broken my ankle and couldn’t work for 9 weeks I messed up that sleep schedule so bad haha. 

x15 What is your favorite crayon color name?: The only one that I can remember off the top of my head is ‘shocking pink’ because according to mom that was my favorite as a kid.

x16 When someone doesn’t like you,do you think it’s ‘cause they’re jealous?: No haha, people usually don’t like me because I normally say how it is ad don’t take shit from no one lol.

x17 Do you ever assume people are jealous of you? Why or why not?: No not really, I knew that one girl was back when I was in grade 11 but that was because the guy that she liked took an interest in me, but he wasn’t much of a winner... anyways, I would need actual proof for me to think that someone was actually jealous.

x18 Has jealousy ever ruined one of your friendships|relationships?: It was close back in grade 7, my friend liked the same guy that I did and he paid more attention to me than her. But she got over him pretty quick, maybe after a month or so?

x19 What is one restaurant you would NOT recommend?: Boston Pizza.

x2o What would you consider an unacceptable first date?: It would be based on a few things, the guy’s behavior, hygiene, just to name a couple. Also if he tried to force any type of physical contact, that would be a definite no and either a slap or punch to the face.

x21 What was your last conversation about?: To be honest I really can’t remember haha.

x22 Do you believe that love exists|is true?: Yeah, it just hasn’t made itself known to me yet haha.

x23 What would you say to someone that did not believe in love?: Nothing. Everyone has the right to believe in what they want. I would however feel bad for them because that probably means that they’ve never experienced true love and/or have had bad experiences with love.

x24 Does failure feel worse when you actually tried?: Yeah, because when you give your all into something, your hopes are up and when it comes back in your face it hurts more than something that you never really cared enough to really try.

x25 Does success feel less sweet if you didn’t work hard for it?: Depends on the person I would think, but for me I would have to say yes.

x26 Would you rather listen or speak, in general?: Depends really.

x27 Do you like to ask the questions, or be asked?: I don’t have a preference, but I hate when people I’m not close with ask too personal questions.

x28 Does small talk bother you? Why or why not?: No, unless it gets awkward and we don’t know what to say.

x29 Who is your favorite person to debate or discuss with? : My mom or my best friends.

x3o Does the being in your reflection meet with your approval?: Rarely haha, its an uphill battle with myself and my confidence for quite a few years now, but I’m more confident than I was eight years ago.

x31 Are you more likely to praise or insult yourself? Why?: Both, depends on what I do. If I do something right then I’ll give myself a little praise, but if I do something wrong I tend to put myself down for quite some time after the incident.

x32 Name a memorable character from the book you’re reading|read?: From the last book I’ve picked up, Aria. I’ve got quite a few books on the go at the moment.

x33 Are there any friends you won’t be friends with much longer?: I hope not, only having 5 friends I’d rather not lose anymore haha.

x34 Would you ever want to have a pen-pal?: Not sure, I’m not much of a talker to new people.

x35 Do you enjoy cloudy days? Why or why not?: Meh. Not my favourite but still better than rainy days at least.

x36 What was the last delicious thing you ate?: I had a chocolate chip cookie earlier today.

x37 What does music mean to you?: Escape, comfort, relaxation. I never go a day without listening to music.

x38 Would it bother you to be forgotten after death?: I would be sad if my loved ones forgot about me, yeah.

x39 Do you tend to prefer healthy or unhealthy snacks?: I like both, depends on what I feel like eating in the moment.

x4o Has anyone ever asked you for diet advice?: I’m definitely not the person to be asked that haha. 

x41 What do you tend to think of those that are far overweight?: I understand them because I’m fairly overweight myself, I know the struggle of trying to lose the weight and keep it off. I know the disappointment when you see no changes and how it can make them give up. Its hard.

x42 How about those that are far underweight?: If they are making themselves lose weight after being diagnosed as underweight, I feel sad that they think that they need to be under 100lbs to be classified as ‘pretty’ or ‘super model material’ because not everyone is going to be the same size and everyone is not going to have the same body shape.

x43 What was the last level of math you took? Grade 11. To graduate my high school I only needed two math credits to graduate, so I only took my grade 10 and 11 math classes.

x44 To you, what is “being productive”?: Doing something useful and getting work done.

x45 Do you feel lucky to live where you do? Why or why not?: Yes, I love my town. It’s beautiful, quiet, has almost everything I need and it’s by the ocean.

x46 Would you ever want to trade lives with someone else?: At times I think that way.

x47 Would you rather help others, or just help yourself?: I think that sometimes you need to help yourself before you can help others, but at the same time you could help yourself by helping others. I think it all depends on the person.

x48 Do you like being busy all the time?: Hell no, my brain needs down time haha.

x49 Or would you prefer having nothing to do?: I would go insane if I never had anything to do. My mind could not handle that.

x5o You get one day with the world to yourself; how do you spend it?: Lately I’ve been wanting to go out and take pictures with my camera, so I would more than likely take a day to do that.

[lastbluetardis]

Perfect Match (22/22)

This was inspired by this post about soulmates, and after @quite-right-too requested someone write it. I am going to try and write a little bit of this every week and track them through childhood and into teenage years and eventual adulthood.

Thank you very much to @chocolatequeennk​​ for listening to me pitch ideas and for offering her opinions and ideas.

Ten x Rose, Soulmates AU

Chapter Rating: Explicit (one scene in the middle

James grew up hearing the legends of soulmates. How two—or three or four or however many—people could find each other by writing messages to each other on their skin, and he spent much of his time imagining himself with a soulmate, someone who would be his perfect match.

AO3 | TSP | FF

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22

Rose flopped heavily onto the couch, groaning into her hands as she lay down with her head in James’s lap.

“Still haven’t found a dress?” he asked sympathetically, stroking his fingers through her hair.

“I found a few styles I liked, but Mum, of course, hated them,” she sighed, leaning into his touch. “She’s driving me barmy.”

“I’m sorry.”

Rose hummed in agreement, and closed her eyes, letting James’s fingers soothe away the stress of the day.

“You know, you can tell Jackie to back off a bit,” he mused, stroking his thumb back and forth across one of her eyebrows. “I mean, it’s your wedding, not hers.”

“I know,” Rose mumbled. “But I don’t want her to hate everything about it. Which it seems like she does.”

Rose sighed against the memories of the last several months, where her mother had given her blunt opinions about every aspect of the wedding. “Do you really want a December wedding? … Are you sure that’s the color palette you want to go with? … I’m sure your friends are wonderful, but wouldn’t you rather hire a professional photographer? … Oh, Rose, you don’t want that plain old dress, now do you? …”

“I can speak to her, if you’d like,” James offered. “Or I’ll come with you dress shopping. Just you and me, and we’ll find the most beautiful dress on Earth.”

“You’re not allowed to see the dress until the wedding day,” Rose said monotonously, repeating what Jackie had told her when Rose suggested she show a few of the dresses to James to get his opinion. “It’s tradition.”

“Tradition shmadition,” James scoffed. “I want you to actually enjoy our wedding, love. I don’t care if we don’t go about it the traditional way. I want you to be happy, and your mum isn’t exactly doing that for you.”

“I’ll be fine once I pick a bloody dress,” Rose said, hoping that would be the case.

James nodded and leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead.

“Why don’t you go run yourself a bath,” James suggested. “Destress a little bit.”

“I bet I’d destress better if you joined me,” she teased, turning her head to press a kiss to his upper thigh.

His stomach swooped and his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat.

“Right,” he squeaked. “Yep. Excellent plan. Let’s relax together. You run the bath, I’ll grab some wine?”

“It’s a date,” Rose purred, pressing another kiss to his hip before she sat up and walked away.

James blinked after her, before he stood up and rushed to the kitchen, but not before he sent a rather lengthy text to his soon-to-be mother-in-law.

oOoOo

James clasped Rose’s hand in his as he tugged her into the fourth jewelry store on their list, pleased when she rested her head on his shoulder and squeezed his fingers. This was what wedding shopping should be like; just him and her, and no stress or anxiety.

They were shopping for their wedding bands, and they had a few rings already on the ‘maybe’ list. So far, their favorite had been a simple platinum band with beveled edges and a brushed finish. Simple, but perfect for what they needed.

However, as soon as they stepped into the shop, James’s gaze was drawn to a pair of rings in a corner display.

“Rose, look at these!” he called, pulling her from where she was chatting with an employee in the store.

She skipped up to him, and her hitched breath made him hopeful that she, too, loved these rings.

The shop attendant immediately opened up the case and gave James and Rose the rings to inspect. Rose slid it onto her finger, humming appreciatively at the way it matched her engagement ring. The platinum wedding band was designed in a weaving pattern that seemed to perfectly complement her ring.

“Oh, it’s perfect!” Rose gushed, looking over to James.

He grinned brightly at her and asked, “So, are these the ones?”

“I think so.”

They made quick work of ordering the rings, getting them sized, and giving the shop the engravings they each wanted—their names and the date of their wedding.

“I just want it to be December thirtieth already!” Rose moaned as she walked out of the shop with James.

“Me too,” James lamented, swinging their joined hands lightly between them.

With the rings picked out, and Rose’s wedding dress finally decided on soon thereafter, they were getting more impatient for their wedding day. When they weren’t busy with school work, most of their time was spent running across the country, finalizing the details. They finalized the bridesmaids’ dresses and the groomsmen’s tuxes; they finished up the guest list and sent out the invitations; they confirmed the venue, decorations, catering, and officiant; and together, they set about booking their honeymoon, which James was having a hard time with. With his thesis defense scheduled for only five months after their wedding, he had very little time to spend on a honeymoon because he needed to get back to work writing his dissertation.

“I feel so awful!” he groaned. “This is the happiest, most romantic moment of our lives, but, oh, sorry, I can only spare a week of my time to it!”

Rose frowned at her fiancé as he scrubbed his hands across his face in frustration.

“James, I know you’re going to be busy when we get back, and that’s okay,” Rose soothed.

“I can push back the date,” James said. “I’ll call my advisor and tell him I’ll defend next autumn.”

“Don’t you dare! You’ve been working so hard on your project, and I won’t let anything ruin this for you.”

“But I don’t want to ruin our wedding!” James argued miserably. “I’ve ruined enough of our relationship as is.”

“James McCrimmon, don’t you dare say that,” Rose said fiercely, tugging his hands away from his face to glare at him. “Our relationship has been better than I could ever have dreamed of, and I’ll not let you make little of anything we’ve done together.”

Remorse pinched his face, and he squeezed her fingers in apology.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I just… I want to give you the honeymoon of a lifetime.”

“And it will be,” she soothed, stroking his hair away from his face.

James sighed and let himself be pulled against her chest. He took his laptop from the coffee table and set it in Rose’s lap to continue perusing honeymoon options.

“How does skiing in the French Alps sound?” he asked, pulling up the resort’s webpage.

“Beautiful,” Rose said, absently petting his hair as she scrolled through the information. “Never been skiing.”

“It’s loads of fun. Mum and Dad used to take me on vacations to Colorado to ski. I think you’ll love it. You don’t mind a cold honeymoon, do you? I mean, we could look into something more tropical. Or a cruise?”

“Skiing sounds perfect,” she assured. “Is that what you want to do?”

“Well, I’d rather be able to take an extended honeymoon with you…” He trailed off for a moment, before he grinned up at her. “Tell you what. We’ll take a short honeymoon right after our wedding. But how about over the summer when we’re graduated, we take an extended vacation together? Bit of a second honeymoon?”

“James, I’m honestly perfectly content with skiing in France with you for our honeymoon,” she said earnestly.

“But what if I’m not? What if I want to travel the world with my soulmate for a few months?”

Travelling the world… Rose bit her lip. Ever since she was small, she’d wanted to travel the world. She was often envious of James and his parents about how often they could travel.

“Yeah,” Rose whispered, a slow smile lighting up her face. “Yeah, that sounds perfect.”

James hummed low in his throat as he reached up to tug her in for an enthusiastic kiss.

oOoOo

The end of the academic semester for once brought with it minimal anxiety, for once. Once her final exams were done, Rose felt nothing but excitement and giddiness for her impending nuptials. Once she and James called to confirm everything was still happening on schedule, how could they be at all nervous or stressed over the happiest moment of their lives?

With a little over a week to go before the wedding, Rose’s dress and James’s tuxedo were both delivered to the McCrimmon manor in Scotland. Rose hid her dress in the guest suite, despite James’s pout that it couldn’t hurt for him to get a tiny little peek at her dress.

“Nuh uh,” Rose chastised. “You’re getting the full effect on our wedding day.”

The combination of the holidays and the upcoming wedding meant that the house was bursting with people. James enjoyed spending a proper Christmas holiday in Scotland again, after two years of having a quieter dinner in Oxford.

The morning after Christmas, Rose awoke when she felt James curl himself around her. She cuddled into him, content to drift back to sleep, but the tense line of his body and the way he buried his face in her hair put all thoughts of sleep out of her mind. She covered his hand with hers and gave his arm a squeeze in hers.

“Wanna talk about it?” she murmured softly.

James was silent for a few long moments before he asked, “Do you know the theory of parallel universes?”

“Only what I’ve learned from watching sci-fi films with you,” Rose answered, rotating in his arms so she could look at him.

“It’s basically the idea that there are an infinite number of universes, all stacked against each other, and they all stem from the various choices we make,” he explained. “Do you ever wonder what our lives would be like if soulbonds didn’t exist?”

“I try not to,” Rose answered grimly.

“Yeah,” he murmured, and the melancholy in his voice tugged at her heart. “Me either. But there have to be universes where people aren’t soulmated, right. That’s just basic statistics. So what are parallel you and parallel me doing in those worlds? Eh? Because if we’re not soulmated, we probably never meet or fall in love or anything!”

“James, love, don’t do this to yourself,” Rose said gently, pressing a kiss to his chest.

“That was my dream. You didn’t exist, and soulmates didn’t exist, and dream me didn’t realize anything was amiss, only that he felt like something was missing.” He wrapped his arm tighter around her waist and buried his nose in her hair. “I just… what’s parallel me doing without parallel you?” he asked miserably. “Is he dating someone? Or married? No woman—or man—could possibly compare to you. Does he have this feeling deep inside that his life is somehow empty or lacking, but he doesn’t know why, and it’s all because you aren’t in it?”

He sounded so genuinely concerned and distraught, and Rose was desperate to wipe that look off his face.

“D’you know what I think?” Rose whispered, running her fingers through his hair as she tugged gently to urge him to look at her. When his bloodshot gaze finally met hers, she continued, “I think the magic of the soulbond transcends universes. No matter what, or how, or when, or for how long, you and I still meet each other. I think that’s what being soulmated is all about; we’re each other’s perfect match, and even in universes where we aren’t formally matched, we’ll still find each other, no matter what.”

James sniffled, and offered a tentative smile to Rose.

“Yeah,” he whispered, leaning towards her to press a grateful kiss to her lips. “Yeah, I think I like that.”

oOoOo

James rested his hand on his mum’s waist as he slowly walked them across the dance floor. He glanced over his mother’s head to find his bride, who was twirling happily in the arms of his dad. She caught his eye and grinned, which he couldn’t help but return, before he gave his attention back to his mother.

“I’m so happy for you,” she whispered, looping her arms around his neck in a hug as the song drew to a close.

James beamed at her and accepted her hug, feeling as though his heart was about to burst with the sheer happiness it contained.

“Time to give you back to Rose, now,” his mum said. She stretched up and kissed his cheek. “I love you, Jamie.”

“Love you, too, Mum,” he said, turning his head to kiss her cheek in return.

He looked over at his dad, who was pressing a parting kiss to Rose’s brow before handing her off to James and turning to his own wife.

James beamed at Rose, holding her in his arms, as his parents did the same with each other. His dad leaned down and caught his mum’s lips in a kiss, and James sighed happily as he watched his parents dance away together.

James woke up slowly, still basking in the warmth and giddiness from his dream. He rolled over to spoon his wife…

And was met with cool sheets.

He blinked quickly, trying to get the dim room in focus, and when he saw his empty bed in his room in Scotland, he remembered the wedding hadn’t happened yet. It was today.

His heart dropped low in his stomach and his eyes burned. His wedding was today and his mum wouldn’t be there.

And Rose wasn’t even here to make him feel better.

He scrambled for his pen, needing to feel close to Rose even though she was probably still asleep.

“Good morning, my almost-wife!”

To his surprise, she replied immediately.

Good morning, my almost-husband! Why are you up so early?

James smirked. “Pot, kettle. Why are you up so early?”

Got hair and makeup appointments and whatnot soon. It takes a lot of work to be this beautiful.

“Oh, come off it,” James scoffed. “You’re beautiful no matter what.”

Flatterer xoxo. Really though. You okay?

“Yeah. I’m just missing my mum a lot today.”

I’m sorry, James.

“Me too. So what’s your schedule for the day.”

Well, I’m getting married at noontime. But we just finished breakfast. I’m about to go in for hair and makeup soon. I don’t really know; I’m going wherever my mum tells me to go.

“That sounds like the best plan.” James sighed, and glanced at the clock. It was still too early for him to begin any of the day’s preparations, but it couldn’t hurt to shower. “I’m gonna hop in the shower. Talk to you in a little bit, love. By the way, I cannot wait to be married to you.”

I can’t wait either. I’ll see you at the altar. Love you.

James smiled at his arm, and climbed out of bed, ready to start his wedding day.

Meanwhile, across town, Rose’s cosmetic preparations were already underway.

“Surely it doesn’t take five hours to get ready!” Rose whined, nearly falling asleep as she had her hair and makeup done.

“Oh, quit your moping,” Jackie said from where she was getting her own hair and makeup done. “These things take longer than you think. You’ll be glad to have the extra time. Besides, we’re scheduled to do a few photos of the bridesmaids outside the church before the service. And getting into a wedding dress without mucking up your hair will take a bit of time. And for God’s sake, would you stop getting ink on your arm?! It’s gonna smear on your dress! And you’ll be able to see it through the sleeve!”

“Who cares? We’re soulmates. No one is going to be surprised to see us with ink on our arms!”

“Still, you don’t want to ruin your dress,” Jackie harrumphed.

Rose rolled her eyes and looked back down to her arms. She wasn’t getting into her dress for a while yet; she could still chat with James for a little bit longer.

oOoOo

Rose had to admit that the next five hours passed unbelievably quickly, and soon she was standing in front of the full-length mirror, double and triple checking her appearance and the way her gown was draped over her figure. She was utterly in love with her dress and the way the delicate lace skirt flowed around the satin sheath beneath. She was confident James would be absolutely speechless when he saw her.

A knock on the door made her frown. She had just sent her mum to go check on James, and to give him the wedding gift she’d bought him—a pair of cufflinks engraved with their names on one and the date on the other.

“Are you decent, darling?”

“Yep, come in, Dad.”

Robert walked in and a slow grin lit up his face when he saw her.

“You look beautiful, darling,” he said.

“Thanks!”

“And I come bearing gifts,” he said, pulling two jewelry boxes from his pockets.

Rose furrowed her brows. James had told her earlier in the month that he was giving her a necklace so she wouldn’t have to go out and buy one, but what could the other gift be?

“This one’s from James,” Robert said, holding out the larger box.

Rose took it, eager to see the necklace he had gotten her. She flicked open the box and gasped: a ruby and sapphire gem sat nestled within the loops of a platinum infinity symbol.

“Oh, this is gorgeous,” she breathed, carefully taking the necklace out of its velvet bedding. Her fingers trembled as she undid the clasp, but soon the necklace was taken from her hands.

“Allow me,” Robert suggested, stepping behind her as he draped the necklace over her neck.

Rose touched the pendent reverently, admiring the way it looked against her skin, and appreciating that James managed to pick a piece of jewelry that matched their wedding’s palette.

“Something new and something blue,” Robert murmured, straightening the necklace for her. “Something borrowed.” He touched his fingers to the hair clip that had belonged to her Nan. “How about something old?”

He handed her the other velvet box, and Rose took it curiously. She opened it to reveal a pair of beautiful diamond earrings. She picked one of them up, letting it dangle between her fingers. Four small, round diamonds were stacked in a line that led down to a large, tear-drop diamond. They were classically beautiful, and Rose immediately removed the small diamond studs from her ears.

“These belonged to my wife,” Robert said with a small smile once Rose fastened them to her ears.

Rose’s stomach coiled with regret, and she touched the jewelry.

“She would’ve been so proud of you and James,” Robert said wistfully. “She would’ve loved to have seen this day. But alas. I like to think she’s watching us anyway and will be with us today.”

Rose blinked back the moisture in her eyes.

“I-I didn’t realize you were religious,” Rose admitted.

Robert smiled softly. “Well, perhaps more spiritual than religious. And I have hope that I’ll be seeing my wife again one day. That hope is what keeps me going—it’s what keeps everyone going, really. When my time comes, I’ll be with her once more, and we can truly begin our forever anew.”

Tears were trickling down Rose’s cheeks, and she dabbed at her eyes with tissue.

“Sorry, darling. This is a happy day. Best not dwell in the sadness.”

“It’s both,” Rose said, double checking her makeup in the mirror. “It’s the happiest day of my life, but it’s bittersweet because my dad isn’t here to see it, neither is Vera. I know James feels the same way.”

Robert nodded and enveloped Rose into a cautious hug, mindful of her dress and hair.

She pulled back from the embrace and took another moment to admire her reflection before she carefully rolled up her sleeve and grabbed a pen.

“Thank you for my necklace,” she wrote, smirking when she thought of her mum. If Jackie was here, she would pitch a fit to see Rose smearing her arm with ink just minutes before the ceremony. “It’s beautiful.”

I’m glad you like it! Thanks for the cufflinks! They’re perfect.

“I’ll see you in a few minutes, my love,” Rose wrote.

Can’t wait!

She glanced at the clock, wanting to say sod the schedule and just burst into the church regardless, but she instead settled for pacing restlessly as Robert chuckled off to the side.

Finally—finally!—it was her time to enter the chapel. Rose clung to Robert’s arm as her bridesmaids disappeared into the church. This was it…

“Our turn, darling,” Robert murmured, covering her hand with his. “Ready?”

She nodded fiercely, so ready to be married to her soulmate.

She heard the music start up, and the chapel doors opened, and all heads turned to face her as she and Robert started their slow walk down the aisle. She hardly saw the crowd though, not when she spotted James at the altar, flanked on either side by his groomsmen and her bridesmaids. The view was striking; the groomsmen were all in slate blue tuxes with burgundy ties, while the bridesmaids were in burgundy dresses with navy blue shawls. And standing between them was her soulmate, smartly dressed in a black tux and a black bowtie that he was fiddling with.

God, he was beautiful, and his tuxedo was certainly flattering to his figure. He caught her gaze and a huge grin split his face as he started bouncing on the balls of his toes. Rose giggled at his excitement, and she felt tears of utter happiness prickling her eyes and she had to fight to not race up to him and into his arms.

She felt as though she were floating, like her body was weightless with joy that could not be contained. She barely noticed what was happening, but suddenly she was standing in front of James, and her mother, too. People were speaking, and both Jackie and Robert pressed a kiss to her cheeks before they took her hands and gave them to James.

“You look stunning,” James murmured quietly, even though the minister had started speaking.

He reached out and swiped his thumb at the corner of her eye, catching the tears that had gathered there.

The service passed in a blur of music and readings, and finally it was time for them to give their vows.

“Y’know,” James began, rubbing his thumbs across the backs of her fingers, “a really wise, and beautiful, and perfect, and—” Rose rolled her eyes at him, and he shot her a wink. “—and wonderful woman once told me that she has a theory about soulmates, and what it means to be soulmated. She told me that the soulbond transcends universes. There are an infinite number of parallel universes, and an infinite number of yous and mes. And an infinite number of us-es. And no matter what universe we’re in, you and I are still together, because there is honestly nobody else that could be more perfectly matched to me than you are. You are the best part of my life, and have been ever since I was eleven years old. I promise to love and cherish and support you every minute of every day for the rest of our lives. And I, for one, am so happy to live in this universe with you.”

Rose sniffled against her tears as she squeezed his hands.

“Dunno how I’ll top that,” she whispered. “I should be on ten percent for that, y’know.”

The crowd chuckled as James smiled down at her, and oh, was it time for her to kiss him yet?

“S’pose I’ll just borrow from you,” she teased. “You’ve been the best part of my life since I was five. I barely knew how to read or write, and suddenly there you were. You became my best friend within the course of a day, and our love grows stronger every day, even though it feels like I couldn’t possibly love you anymore than I already do. I can barely remember my life before you, and for that, I’m sort of glad, because I don’t want to know a life without you.” Tears clogged her throat when she saw James’s eyes shimmering with moisture. She squeezed his hands and managed to choke out, “I love you more than anything, and I promise to continue loving you unconditionally and eternally. I promise to support you in all that you do, and I promise to stay with you forever and beyond.”

James blinked and a tear dripped from his eyelashes. She reached up and cradled his cheeks, brushing her thumbs under his eyes as he reached up to cover her hands with his.

Finally, it was time for them to exchange rings. James’s young cousin walked up holding a cushion on which their wedding bands sat. Rose glanced at them, as in love with them as she was when she and James first picked them out.

James took her band from the pillow, and started speaking.

“Rose, you are the love of my life, and you are my very best friend.” He slipped the cool metal of her wedding band onto her finger, and brought her knuckles to his lips for a quick kiss. “With this ring, I marry you and bind my life to yours. It is a symbol of my eternal love, my everlasting friendship, and the promise of all my tomorrows.”

Rose’s fingers trembled as she took James’s wedding band from the velvet cushion.

“James, you are the love of my life, and you are my very best friend.” Rose caressed his knuckles reverently as she slid his matching wedding band onto his finger. “With this ring, I marry you and bind my life to yours. It is a symbol of my eternal love, my everlasting friendship, and the promise of all my tomorrows.”

Rose was vaguely aware that the minister was speaking again, so caught up in the feel of James’s hands in hers, and on the weight of her new ring, glittering beside her engagement ring. She suddenly heard the word ‘kiss’, and not a moment too soon, in her opinion, because she was about to yank her soulmate down for a snog, regardless of propriety.

James leaned down towards her as she angled her face up, and their lips met in a soft press of a kiss. She tasted the salt from their tears, and she giggled into the kiss, feeling him do the same as his hands moved to cup her cheeks.

The sound of applause pulled them from the moment, and Rose reluctantly pulled away from her husband. Her husband! God, she loved the sound of that, and she beamed up at him. He was smiling softly down at her, and her heart stuttered at the naked love shining in his eyes.

“I love you, my wife,” he murmured, and her belly flipped in elation at those words coming from his lips.

“As I love you, my husband,” she replied, leaning up to catch his lips in hers once more.

The next hour passed in a blur of photographs with James and the rest of their wedding party. The outdoor photos got quite cold quite quickly. Though her dress had sleeves, they were made of sheer lace, and it offered little protection from the December chill. James, however, saw it as an excuse to keep her wrapped in his arms, and Rose couldn’t find it in her to complain.

They were soon shuffled to the hotel for the reception party where they were swept up by many congratulatory guests as the luncheon spread was laid out for the guests.

James guided Rose to the head table and tugged out her chair for her before scooting his seat as close to her as possible. He kept his arm around her as they devoured their food, famished from the excitement of the day, and he stole as many kisses as he could as the toasts started.

He felt so happy and warm that all of their friends and family could celebrate this happy day with them, but he was impatient for the toasts to end so he could get to one of his favorite wedding traditions: the bride and groom’s first dance.

He tugged her to her feet when they were prompted to step onto the dance floor as the first chords of “Grow Old with Me” began.

Rose tucked her head against his chest as he started to dance them across the room, unaware of the soft coos of approval from their guests. How could he be focused on anything other than the feel of his wife in his arms?

He rubbed his fingers against her dress, feeling how the lace slipped across the satin beneath.

“Do you know what I thought when I first saw you?” he whispered in her ear. “I thought you looked like one of those Greek goddesses in the stories, come down from Olympus to mingle with the commoners.” He sighed and pulled her closer. “How did I get so lucky to have a goddess for a soulmate?”

Rose smiled up at him through the tears in her eyes. He bent down and caught her lips in a sweet kiss. The dopamine and serotonin flooding through his body made the kiss seem more pleasurable than any other kiss they had shared, and he wanted so badly to ditch the rest of the reception so he could take Rose to their hotel suit and make sweet love to her all night long.

“I love you,” he said raggedly, pulling back from the kiss before it turned into a heated snog to be witnessed by all of their friends and family.

“As I love you,” she murmured, running her thumb across his bottom lip.

He hummed happily and tugged her snuggly to him as they finished up their first dance as husband and wife.

The afternoon passed blessedly quickly as James and Rose seemed to dance with every guest in attendance, and with each other. The party finally started winding down around late afternoon, and James and Rose took their leave of the reception to make the short trip upstairs to their suite for the night.

They said a hasty goodbye to their friends and family as they ran together through the hallways of the hotel and to the lift.

As soon as the lift doors closed around them, James’s fingers were all over Rose’s skin.

“You looked so beautiful today, love,” he murmured, latching his lips onto the skin of her neck. “You’re the most beautiful bride there’s ever been. And you’re all mine.

A soft sigh escaped Rose’s lips as she tilted her head to the side to give him better access.

“You were pretty handsome too,” Rose said, spinning in his embrace to face him.

He leaned down to reclaim the skin that was just beginning to pinken in a love-bite, but Rose covered his lips with her fingertips, and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek.

“We should wait until we get to our room,” she said regretfully as she felt him pout against her fingertips.

Fortunately, the doors dinged open a moment later, and James nipped at her fingers that were still covering his mouth before he took her hand and tugged them to their suite.

He spared a cursory glance around the room, but he was more focused on his wife. His wife! His heart fluttered happily at those two words, and he turned and pinned her against the door to reclaim her mouth. Her lips parted automatically for him, and her hands buried themselves into his hair.

His hands, meanwhile, trailed across her collarbone before his fingers dipped beneath the fabric to tease her breasts. She gasped into his mouth and his fingers tightened in his hair as his fingertip managed to brush across her nipple.

“God, you’re so gorgeous,” he groaned, pinning her hips with his as he rubbed his growing erection against her. “This dress is so gorgeous. And if you want to keep it in one piece, help me get it off you.”

“Impatient are we?” Rose teased, resting her hands on his chest and scratching, delighting in his shudder.

“Can you blame a man for wanting to make love with his new wife?”

Rose grinned against his lips, and pressed a parting kiss to them before she broke away from him. James guided her to the bedroom, where they both worked on disrobing each other. It was slow work made slower by the rogue touches and kisses they pressed to each other’s skin as it was revealed to the other’s gaze, and by the time they were left standing in only their underwear, they were both aching with arousal.

“This set is lovely,” James rasped, running his finger reverently across her lacey, white strapless bra and matching knickers.

“If you think these are sexy,” Rose breathed as he unclasped her bra, “just wait until you see what I packed for the honeymoon.”

James’s belly coiled in anticipation, and he could hardly get their pants off fast enough before walking her backwards to their bed. He crawled onto the mattress after her, admiring the sight of his wife spread bare before him. There was no one in the universe more perfect than her, and he was so proud and thankful that this was his life.

He slowly climbed up her body, pressing teasing kisses and bites across every inch of her skin. He’d barely started nibbling on her hips when she started squirming. She sat up and tugged on his shoulders, forcing him up.

“Enough teasing,” she growled, reaching down to give his erection a firm stroke.

He shuddered out a moan and clenched his hands into fists in their sheets.

“Make love to me,” she whispered. She continued to stroke him slowly as she reclined back against the pillows, and she let her thighs fall open to cradle him between her hips.

James tugged her hand away from his cock as he lined himself up. He leaned forward and caught her lips between his as he slowly let himself slip inside her. Her mouth went lax against his as she whined her pleasure.

He bit his lip and shivered at the feel of her surrounding every inch of him.

“Oh, Rose,” he moaned, pulling out part way before thrusting into her again. “I love you so much.”

“Love you, too,” she sighed, her nails biting into his back on every thrust forward.

“Today was absolutely perfect,” he said, dropping his head to her collarbone. He pressed long kisses to her neck and shoulder as his hand wandered between them to rub at her clit. She arched her hips into his and clenched tight around him, and James squeezed his eyes against the overwhelming pleasure.

“Yeah,” Rose agreed breathlessly, arching into him as a band of heat and need was pulled taut low in her belly. “Oh, God, James. Feels good. You feel so good.”

James grunted wordlessly into her neck, his brain shorting out and refusing to make coherent sentences. His hand rubbed her clit more quickly and firmly as he tried to send her into orgasm before him. He moaned in relief when her legs tightened around his hips as her muscles quivered around him. Her nails scraped down his back as she began crying his name, and he finally let himself tumble into his pleasure after her.

Several minutes later, they were curled up against each other, naked and breathing heavily as their hearts slowed.

“That was so brilliant,” James mumbled as he tugged the duvet up over them as their overheated bodies started to cool.

“Mhm,” she sighed and wrapped her fingers around his hand.

Metal brushed against her palm, and she lifted his hand to inspect his new ring. A thrill of possessiveness shot through her when she saw his ring. James’s chest rumbled as he chuckled behind her and nuzzled his face into her neck.

“Feels a little surreal,” he whispered, holding his hand up so he could see his wedding band too.

Rose lifted her arm so her left hand was hovering beside his, and she admired their matched rings, and the way their arms reflected their words from this morning. The ink was a little smudged from the day’s events, but the conversation was still easily discernable, and Rose didn’t think she would ever get used to seeing the evidence of their soulbond laid out side by side as it was in that moment.

oOoOo

They awoke early the next morning to catch a flight to Chamonix ski resort in France. They’d tidied up the room and left Rose’s wedding dress and James’s tux in the front room, knowing Robert and Jackie would be by later that morning to collect and preserve the garments.

Their week-long honeymoon passed far too quickly for either of their liking, but they knew a longer vacation was in store for them that summer. They crammed their days with ski dates and trips into the small towns surrounding the resort, and their nights with intimacy and warming up together in the spacious tub in their suite. They’d made love plenty of times before they’d been married, but they were still riding the high of their wedding, and every touch of their skin sent bolts of electricity and desire deep inside of them.

On the last day of their honeymoon, James awoke Rose early so they could catch a train to Paris.

“You don’t think I would let us honeymoon in France without taking us to one of the top romance capitals in the world, do you?” James asked dryly when he saw Rose’s excitement.

They explored the capital city all day, hitting as many major monuments and museums as they could, before James took them to dinner in the city.

“Did you have a nice trip, love?” he asked, swirling his wine around in his glass as they waited for their dessert.

“I did,” she confirmed, reaching out to touch her toes to his shin. “Did you.”

“Absolutely. I can’t believe we’ve got to go home tomorrow,” he lamented.

“I know, but the sooner we get back, the sooner our semesters will be finished, and the sooner we can get back to travelling.”

The end of their honeymoon signaled the end of their reprieve from school and obligations. They were both due to graduate at the end of the semester. For Rose, that meant the stress of passing her final semester and figuring out what she wanted to do with her degree. For James, it meant the stress of writing and defending his thesis paper, and figuring out what he wanted to do with his degree.

But despite their busy schedules, they made sure they had at least one date night a week, even if it was something as simple as watching Netflix and eating takeaway.

Spring break brought a much-needed rest for Rose, but James was still working tirelessly on his thesis. And he was also submitting applications to nearby universities for a teaching position for the next autumn.

“This is driving me barmy,” James groaned to Rose one night as he collapsed into their bed. “All of these job applications are contingent on me actually passing my thesis defense. No pressure or anything.”

“James, I have the utmost confidence in you,” Rose said from the en suite where she was washing her face.

He hummed unconvincingly. “If not, I guess you’ll be supporting me in this relationship from now on, eh?”

He grinned at her, still so proud of her for having gotten a job offer at a local photography shop in town.

“Well, it’s about time I pull my weight, isn’t it?” she teased, folding back the covers so she could slip into bed beside him.

James rolled next to her the moment she was settled. He nuzzled his nose into her neck and murmured, “Quite right, too.”

“Good thing I didn’t marry you for your money,” she sighed, tilting her head back as he kissed his way across her collarbone.

“It was my devastating good looks, wasn’t it?”

“Well…”

James growled and nipped at her neck for her cheek, delighting in her giggles as he crawled on top of her.

oOoOo

Thankfully, all of James’s applications and interviews paid off; he was given offers from three of the schools he had applied to, and he decided on Exeter College, which was only a few miles away from their flat, so they wouldn’t have the added stress of finding a new home and moving.

Now that their futures were more or less determined, they were both eager to finish up their degrees. James worked diligently on his thesis, editing it and re-editing it and presenting it to his advisor to make his project as strong as possible.

Rose, meanwhile was wrapping up all of her final projects and papers, glad that she had no final exams to take this semester. When she submitted the last paper of her uni career, she felt a huge weight lift from her shoulders. Assuming she didn’t make any egregious errors in any of her projects, she would be graduating in a week’s time.

She was. James had been right all of those times he’d told her that uni graduations were boring. She slouched in her hard, uncomfortable seat and rolled up the sleeve of her robe to pass the time chatting with James as she waited to be awarded her degree.

The ceremony finally ended, and she was eager to find James. She scoured the room for him as she jotted down a note on her arm asking where he was, when she suddenly heard his voice.

“Congratulations, my love!” he yelled, jogging up to her to sweep her into a hug. Her gown fluttered around their legs as she hung on for dear life, stifling her grin into his shoulder. “I’m so proud of you, Rose. So proud!”

“Oi, put her down so I can have a turn!”

Rose laughed when she saw her mum swat James across the back of his head. He pouted and put her back on her feet, but not before tugging her in for a quick kiss.

The excitement of Rose’s graduation barely passed before the excitement and anticipation of James’s came up on them.

Rose sat in the audience with Robert and several other students and faculty at Oxford. Even from her seat in the audience, Rose could see how nervous James looked.

She checked the time, and upon seeing that he still had ten minutes before his presentation was to start, Rose stood up and walked up to the front of the room.

James didn’t see her at first, pacing as he was, and muttering to himself.

“Hey,” she murmured, reaching out to touch his arm.

He jumped.

“You all right?” she asked, tugging him to stand in front of her so she could fix his hair and his tie.

She felt his muscles relax under her touch, and he exhaled raggedly.

“I’m a little anxious,” he admitted, scrubbing his hand across the back of his neck. “I feel like everything is riding on the outcome of today, y’know. My job next autumn. Our summer vacation. My pride…”

“You’ll be fine,” Rose soothed, placing her hands on his chest, where she could feel his heart beating rapidly. “I’ll be right out there. So’s Dad. Just talk to us. Talk to me. And you’ll be done in about an hour.”

James bobbed his head in agreement as he took her hands from his chest and pressed his lips to her fingers.

“Thanks, love,” he whispered raggedly.

“Sorry, Rose, but we’re about to start. If you could take your seat.”

Rose glanced over her shoulder at James’s research advisor. She nodded, and turned back to her husband. She stretched up on her tiptoes and brushed a soothing kiss to his lips.

“I’ll see you after,” she promised, giving his fingers a squeeze. “You’ve got this, James.”

He nodded wordlessly, and Rose turned away from him. She shuddered out a breath as she walked back to Robert and sat down heavily next to him.

“He’ll be fine,” Robert assured, wrapping his arm around her in a hug.

“I know he will be,” Rose said confidently. “But I hate seeing him so nervous.”

“Once he gets going, he’ll be fine,” Robert said. “It’s how it always goes. You get so immersed in explaining the project you’ve devoted the last three or so years of your life to, and it’s hard to be anything but confident.”

Rose nodded and dropped her hands to her lap as James’s advisor introduced him.

James caught her eye as soon as it was his turn to start presenting, and Rose flashed him a grin and a thumbs-up, relieved when he smiled back. He took in a deep breath, and Rose could visibly see the tension leave his shoulders.

She, on the other hand, was on the edge of her seat for the entire hour of his presentation. She had no idea what he was talking about most of the time, but he seemed calm and poised, so Rose took that to mean he was doing all right. And at the end of the hour, when it was time for him to field audience questions, he answered them in complete detail.

“If all members of the public could evacuate the room.”

Rose froze and turned to Robert.

“What? What’s happening? Did he pass?”

Robert chuckled as he said, “If he doesn’t, I’ll be shocked. But it’s time for the dissertation committee to ask their questions to him, and they’ll make their decisions after that. Though I am ninety-nine percent certain that the next time we see James, he’ll be Doctor James Tyler-McCrimmon.”

Rose grumbled under her breath but dutifully stood and followed Robert into the courtyard. She stopped at the door and caught James’s eye. She wriggled her fingers in a wave, and his easy salute helped ease the nerves she had for him.

The wait was agonizing. Rose paced and checked the time every few seconds, until finally, nearly a half hour after she had to leave, James burst out of the room.

His hair was a mess made from his hands throughout his presentation, and he was grinning widely as he ran right up to her.

“I passed!” he shouted, hauling her into his arms to squeeze her tight.

Rose laughed joyously as she hugged him fiercely.

“I’m so proud of you,” she giggled, peppering his face with sloppy kisses as he twirled her around in the air. “I knew you could do it!”

James set her on her feet and Rose pulled him down for a celebratory kiss. It was an uncoordinated kiss, grinning as they both were, but the sentiment was received as warmth and love bubbled deep inside them.

“Congratulations, mate.”

Robert’s voice broke them apart, and James turned away from his wife to embrace his father. Robert held him tight and murmured, “Your mother would have been so proud of you, James.”

James clenched his eyes shut, dual feelings of regret and elation tugging at his stomach. He desperately wished his mum could’ve been here to see him be awarded his doctorate, but he knew without a doubt he had made her so proud today.

They were soon swarmed by the rest of the science department—and random passersby who had heard the news of his success—who came to offer their congratulations.

James felt drunk on excitement and relief, and on the alcohol his advisor bought to celebrate, as James’s department flooded a local pub to celebrate. This level of elation was second only to his wedding day.

“I’m so proud of you, love,” Rose murmured into his ear that night as she hovered atop him, participating in their private celebration.

“Thank you,” he whispered raggedly, trailing his fingers and lips across her body. “I couldn’t have done it without you, Rose.”

She caught his lips in a firm kiss as they rocked together in synchronous motion.

They left for their second honeymoon the week after James’s thesis was accepted. They first went on a Mediterranean cruise and explored the various cities the ship docked in. Then they flew to Canada to hike the Rocky Mountains. After that, they stopped making concrete plans and instead hopped on a plane to whatever destination sounded best.

They hiked through national parks, kayaked across Alaska, snorkeled off the coast of Maldives, and played the role of stereotypical newlywed tourists in all of the cities they landed in. By the end of their trip, they’d managed to set foot on all six inhabited continents.

On the final week of their vacation, James told Rose he had one last trip in mind, but he wanted to keep it a surprise as much as he could.

“Airports, James?” Rose teased as they caught their second connecting flight. “Are you trying to get us to fly around the world?”

“Not intentionally,” he replied. “But this final destination is quite distant. And I know you’ll love it.”

“I can’t wait.”

They were making their last connecting flight, and this time, he couldn’t keep the destination a secret.

“New Zealand?!” Rose squealed when she saw the gate they were walking towards.

James beamed down at her and said, “Are you ready to take a wander through Middle Earth?”

Rose jumped into his arms and nearly knocked them both to the ground in her enthusiasm.

James preened with pride when he saw the awe in Rose’s eyes when they went on the official Middle Earth tour that New Zealand was becoming renowned for.

When they weren’t following the scheduled tours they’d signed up for, they were exploring the countryside on their own, reenacting the various scenes from the films whenever possible. (James was inordinately pleased with himself when he was able to get other tourists to join in their fun.)

“So, Rose Tyler,” James said on the night they returned to their flat. “Did you find your ten-week second honeymoon to be satisfactory?”

“Very much so,” she said, sinking lower into the bubbles of their bath to ease her cramped muscles from their flight home. “And that’s Rose Tyler-McCrimmon to you.”

James giggled high in his throat as he wrapped his arms tight around her waist. He absently stroked her belly and dropped sporadic kisses to her neck as they relaxed together.

“Did you ever think we’d end up here?” Rose mused quietly, running her fingers up and down his shins.

“Hmm?”

“You know, like when we were kids,” she prompted. “You must’ve imagined our life together?”

“Oh, certainly,” he replied, giving her middle a quick squeeze. “But this isn’t the end, Rose Tyler-McCrimmon. Not at all.”

He leaned forward and coaxed her head back to press a kiss to her lips.

“The road goes ever on and on,” he murmured into her skin. “This is only our beginning.”

The End.

Welp, that’s all for this story folks! Thanks to everyone who read, and a special thanks to everyone who left a comment.

And if you’re curious:

Rose’s Wedding Dress

Rose’s Necklace

Rose’s Earrings

James and Rose’s Wedding Bands

“Grow Old With Me” Wedding Dance Song

[russellthornton]

Nothing Makes Me Happy: How to Make Happiness Your Default State

Staring at a bottomless pit? If your mind is saying “nothing makes me happy,” then we’re in the territory of depression. Here’s how to break free.

Firstly, much of what I share can’t be fully put into words. It’s something you actually need to experience. If you feel like nothing makes you happy, consider this feature my attempt to create a proxy that points you towards the right direction, rather than a step-by-step advice manual on finding happiness if you have none.

I feel somewhat qualified to talk about this topic because I spent around 10+ years stuck in negative-thought loops, crippling anxiety, and a fuzz of depression, which I pulled myself out of. I’ve also written books on the subject and mentored others moving beyond anxiety. But I also want to acknowledge RSDTyler and JulienHimself, who you can find on YouTube, for helping me word this.

What’s behind the grey haze?

If you strip away all the other motivations/reasons why we do what we do, at the heart of it all is that we want to be happy. Not a momentary dirty high type of happiness, but a continuous state of being anxiety-free, depression-free, and just feeling like… whoosh—that continuous, easy state of contentment where life is just good.

But when nothing makes you happy, your experience of life might be negative-thought loops that seem uncontrollable. Maybe you can’t stop thinking of what others think of you. Or you feel like your mind is a living hell—a grey fuzz and mental fog that just won’t clear. Maybe even reading this feature is difficult because your mind is too exhausted to concentrate for long periods.

The mistake many of us make is thinking that attaining the state of happiness is something that’s out there. [Read: How to feel happy: 13 proven strategies for instant happiness]

Happiness is actually our default state. We tell ourselves, ‘I’m not happy so I will go out there and find out how to be happy. Maybe if I achieve more, or if I get a lover, get more approval, get attention, or material stuff then I’ll be happy.’ In the end, you end up thinking, nothing makes me happy.

Nothing make me happy: But happiness only comes when we let go

Now I’m not saying achieving things isn’t important. It just misses the point.

“Being happy is something you already are. You get there by realizing you are already there.” –JulienHimself

With that said, here’s what you want to consider when all you think is “nothing make me happy.”

#1 Giving up the fight. You’d think trying to get over depression by fighting it would be the way to beat it. I don’t think this is true. People love their story even if it’s painful and hurts them. This is because it’s familiar and self-validating to tell yourself a unique story of why your life sucks and how it’s a big problem.

It’s harder to just let go of the urge to focus on the feelings of self-pity. I know I spent years thinking about how bad I felt, which got me nowhere.

Ironically, the more I focused on doing and trying to get better the more it fed my negative-thought loops with attention. Focusing instead on the present moment *with moments where you make future goals that you write down* is a much better direction to pour your attention.

Even when you work on a big dissertation, you choose to focus on each step bit by bit, rather than looking ahead at your score or on some worrying thought about something that happened earlier in the day. [Read: Sabotaging your happiness: 12 ways you can ruin your life]

#2 Getting into the now. Ever said to yourself ‘why can’t I just stop obsessing?’ It was as if you talked about some part of you that is you yet separate from you. This is your thinking mind.

Your thinking mind may be incredibly good at creating problems and repetitive thoughts and feelings. It may constantly worry about the past and be fearful of the future, so you no longer appreciate the beauty of the present moment and even leads to you feeling nothing at all.

Spending time dis-identifying with the thinking mind shows you the difference between you and your habituated thought patterns.

I can’t word this any better—reading/listening to the likes of The Power Of Now gives you a solid realization of what the present moment is. You learn how to observe your own negative thought patterns without trying to force them away. Also, meditating around 20 minutes daily is a fantastic practice. [Read: How to calm your mind and make peace a state of mind]

#3 Accepting that it will be a bitch to overcome negative thought habits. Know someone who when something bad happens to them they deal with it or sort of laugh it off and move on? That person’s baseline level of how good they usually feel is maybe a seven or eight out of 10.

But if you’re stuck in a pattern of negative thoughts and feelings, you’re the reverse. So maybe you’re usually a two or three out of 10. So even if you get a spike of good feelings that pushes you to say a five or even a 10 out of 10, it eventually falls back to baseline.

I think it’s important to accept that this habit will be very, very difficult to get over. But you naturally find your baseline increase if you just have faith. You can’t make a number for how long it will take to get to a good baseline. It may take two months. Or two years. Just trust the process and you’ll make incremental progress bit by bit. [Read: The rules of life – 22 secrets to never be unhappy again]

#4 Understanding negative thought loops are an addiction. Just think of online trolls who can’t stop feeding on the negativity and drama. The longer you’ve been depressed, the deeper your negative-thought loop groove will be. It’s like your grumpy granddad who can only maintain a sense of appreciation for a few hours at a time, before he finds something to complain vehemently about.

Your body does anything to try and put you back into that habituated frame of mind. Things like daily five-minute gratitude journals get your mind to practice a new habit that replaces your old ones over time.

#5 Choosing to accept suffering. All humans innately experience suffering because life is difficult. But how you face this suffering makes all the difference in the world. This is the difference between:

Living in fear and playing it safe. Or Facing your fears *such as the fact that everyone you’ve ever known will die at some point* and doing the shit that scares you that you avoid in your life *check out the book The 50th Law for how*.

Life is full of suffering and chaos. But we have two choices in how we accept this reality:

We conclude nothing matters because life is random. Or We say everything matters and we’ll take full responsibility to live properly *by being brave and not holding back our highest potential*

Everything can be looked at multiple ways. It depends on how you frame a situation. As it is, if you’re always unhappy you may have the frame of the nihilist, where nothing matters.

This is actually an easy way of going about life *though it’s excruciatingly hard to live with and fills you with despair*. But it’s not the right way if you want to find meaning and happiness. The proper way is to be the hero and accept life’s suffering willingly. [Read: How to deal with loneliness: 12 ways to bring you back to life]

#6 Sorting out your life incrementally. Accept where you’re at right now. And move forward within that context. The key is to start with the small things in your life.

Start really small and just with yourself. Tidy your room if it’s messy. Organize your things. Make sense of the chaos that you have direct control over. Get a regular sleep routine where you wake up and sleep at a particular time each day. Start small and increase your scope bit by bit as you gain confidence.

#7 Sorting out your health. Here are crucial things to address over time if you have brain fog/depression/anxiety:

– Schedule a check-up with your doctor *hormone levels, blood/micronutrient test, allergy test*. – Exercise adequately. – Getting adequate sleep in a dark room each day. – Removing inflammatory/allergenic foods *consider an elimination diet* – Cutting out all processed foods like bread, white rice, biscuits, sugar, flour-based foods. – Cranking up the greens *dark leafy greens*, whole foods with colors from the whole rainbow, and spices. – Consider also supplementing with micronutrients e.g. magnesium, vitamin D, omega-3s.

#8 Let loose and have a social life. Such as taking time out, de-stressing *e.g. using saunas*, spending time just mucking around with people who make you laugh, having a social circle, goofing around, and doing new things and having new experiences. You can meet all kinds of people on sites like meetup.com. [Read: Beat boredom with 30 fun things to do with friends]

#9 Accepting that you are a sponge. You can do a lot to change your life and mood. But the fact is that you will be the sum of the five closest friends you have and the books you’ve read. So, if you spend a lot of time around people who feed on negativity this brings you back to a low base line.

You may need to change the types of shows you watch, the types of websites you read, your job, your friends, even leave your family if they seem to fan the flames.

#10 Accept that you’ll have setbacks. This is major. If you don’t expect to have setbacks you’ll feel completely destroyed when they happen. You will have really low days *even low weeks* despite making progress. This awareness limits how much you get in your own way.

#11 Mapping out your past, present, and future. Programs like selfauthoring.com help you make sense of everything. If you’ve been through a lot of inner torment you’ll need to sort through your past obstacles and learn how to master them so that they don’t occur again in the future.

It’s also seriously important to know what your future plans are. If you have no life goals you can have no positive emotions!

#12 Not lying. If you try to present a mask to others you reject a part of who you are, which is like self-hate. You don’t have to tell people everything about you but not telling lies, even when it seems difficult, is important if you want to make sense of your life. [Read: How to stop lying to yourself and everyone around you]

#13 Finding a good psychiatrist. Do you have good friends, a good job, a good diet—a good psychiatrist helps you to consider these things. And if despite having all these being okay you’re still depressed you may be a candidate for pharmaceutical interventions that balance out balance brain chemicals.

[Read: 15 things everyone should know about how to live a happy life]

Your natural default state is happiness. However, things get in the way of this awareness including: disconnection from the present moment, avoiding personal fears, inflammatory diet/lifestyle, and not sorting through your life goals, past traumas, and relationships.

The post Nothing Makes Me Happy: How to Make Happiness Your Default State is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.

[russellthornton]

Turn Offs for Girls: 32 Worst Things to Say to a Girl After Sex

It’s true there isn’t a manual for what to say to a woman after you’ve had sex with her, but some turn offs for girls are just a matter of common sense.

Knowing what to say to a woman after sex is just as important as what you say before and during the act. Saying the wrong thing during post-coital bliss almost guarantees you look like a douchebag, and ruins your chances of a round two. These turn offs for girls will surely get you kicked out of the bedroom.

Being tactful in your words and thinking before you speak helps, make sure you don’t make the same mistake as some of the guys who’ve coined these sayings below.

Turn offs for girls – Things not to say to a woman after sex

This list is in no particular order, because it’s pretty hard to distinguish bad from worse.

#1 “When was the last time you got checked?” Whether she has a funky smell going on, you’ve had a bad experience, or you’re just a hypochondriac, this phrase is guaranteed to hurt a girl’s feelings. She might even think you’re the one with a STD, and you’re trying to pin it on her… bad move. [Read: Surviving an STD scare in a relationship: 9 things to know]

#2 “I think the condom broke.” This panic inducing phrase is one of the worst things a woman could hear, especially if you’re just friends with benefits.

#3 “Was that the best you ever had?” This proves you’re an egomaniac who needs constant reassurance, or you’re so cocky you believe you’re God’s gift to women. No girl wants to answer that phrase unless she volunteers the information willingly. Don’t fish for compliments.

#4 “Do you smell that?” Nothing could make her go from feeling like a steamy sex goddess to instantly insecure and anxious. If she also knows she smells fine down there, you’re only making yourself look like the culprit. [Read: 7 smelly body parts that can ruin great sex]

#5 “Can I use your mouthwash?” While this could be seemingly innocent, you’re either making her feel like you were so repulsed after making out with her that you need to rinse your mouth, or your breath stinks. Either way it’s a lose-lose.

#6 “Sorry…” *hangs head in shame*. No one likes a martyr who plays the victim after coming too quickly, or simply didn’t get a girl where she needed to be. If you want her to give you sympathy, it definitely won’t inspire her to want to sleep with you again. Feeling sorry for yourself won’t make you look like a sex bomb or cover up a bad performance.

#7 “That was better than I expected!” This leads her to believe you expected her to be bad in bed… point blank. She won’t find this to be a compliment, unless she was just as surprised herself. [Read: 23 hacks to be a lot more attractive to women instantly]

#8 “You’re a lot cleaner than other girls I’ve hooked up with.” This cringe-worthy praise puts all sorts of images in her mind about where your man part has been before it got between her legs. Her reaction will be panic, anxiety, and the urge to shower multiple times.

#9 “So you’re on birth control, right?” This implies a woman should probably consider Plan B if she wasn’t planning a pregnancy and isn’t on the pill. If you slipped up, it’s better to talk to her about it, rather than bluntly assume she’s got it covered.

#10 “You didn’t tell me you were a squirter!” Not all women are proud of their ability to squirt during sex, some are insecure about it. Bringing it up that way only makes her feel like a spectacle, rather than a person with feelings. [Read: Female ejaculation: Debunking the myths and shedding light]

#11 “I think I’m in love with you.” This is just something you don’t say after sex. Maybe after a few good dates, but not if you’ve just had sex for the first time or are just friends with benefits.

#12 “Have you booked a cab yet?” This is just plain insulting. At least sit and talk for a minute before making it known you want a quick hit and run.

#13 “I’m not really into cuddling.” She may not be into cuddling or may not want to cuddle with you, so there’s no need to put out the disclaimer. She only assumes you’re full of yourself, and she’ll regret getting with you in the first place.

#14 “I was worried that condom wouldn’t work!” She’ll wonder where you got it, or if it’s older than she is.

#15 “So what are your thoughts on abortion?” Otherwise known as “I may have accidentally impregnated you, and I want to make sure you’re okay with terminating the pregnancy.” If she’s a pro-life activist, this could cause a bad reaction. [Read: 10 birth control options and what they can do for you]

#16 “What was your name again?” Nothing feels more like a slap in a girl’s face than having a great sex session, and finding out she’s just a nameless, pretty face. If you don’t remember her name but you found your way around her body just fine, don’t kill the vibe by asking her name right after sex.

#17 “I’m so glad I lost my virginity to you.” If she didn’t figure it out while you were having sex, and you didn’t give her a heads up beforehand, she definitely doesn’t want to know she was your first right after you’ve done the deed.

#18 “It’s time to go.” Kicking her out of your place right after sex makes her feel like a tramp and completely disrespected.

#19 “On a scale of 1 to 10… ” No girl appreciates having to evaluate your performance right after sex. You look like you have a frail ego that needs boosting, and you were just using her as a conquest. [Read: 20 foolproof ways to tell if you’re a serial womanizer]

#20 “I hope I caught all of that” *checks webcam*. This couldn’t be more horrifying for a girl to hear you’ve been recording a sex tape without her permission.

#21 “So this is between us, right?” Having to make it clear the sex you just had was a big secret makes her feel like you’re hiding something, like a wife or a girlfriend.

#22 Nothing *falls asleep*. She might be flattered she put you to bed, or annoyed you passed out on top of her.

#23 “That was amazing, Melissa!” …but that isn’t her name.

#24 “Sex makes me really emotional” *cries*. That makes everything go from zero to weird quicker than she’ll go running out the door.

#25 “I lasted a whole half an hour” *checks the time*.  She’ll wonder if you want a sticker or a medal for that, plus she might not think it was worth any applause.

#26 “That was almost the best I’ve ever had.” You’re better off saying nothing than telling her she’s “almost” the best at anything sex related.

#27 “Was that your first time?” If you want to make a girl feel like an amateur, and average in bed, ask her if it’s her first ride on the train. [Read: 18 relationship turn offs that could ruin your romance]

#28 “So how much do I owe you?” Unless she’s working by the hour, this is deeply insulting, even as a joke.

#29 “Thanks, I got you next time!” If your performance was bad enough you feel the need to make it up to her, show it in actions instead of words. If you’re lucky enough to get a second chance, that is.

#30 “You’re even better than your sister.” This is just not something you say, even if you did sleep with her sister, another close family member, or close friend.

#31 “I see your mom taught you well.” This is just as bad as the last point, if not considerably worse. [Read: Win their heart: All the things to talk about with your crush]

#32 “Same time next week?” She’s not a scheduled play toy, she’s a woman with her own needs and her own schedule. Don’t assume she’s ready to put you in a weekly time slot.

[Read: 15 things guys do that are a big turn off for girls]

Saying these things to a woman after sex is sure to make her disappear before you can even ask for round two. Don’t make the same mistake twice if you’ve already blurted out any of the above phrases. 

The post Turn Offs for Girls: 32 Worst Things to Say to a Girl After Sex is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.