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dirt-cup-draco · 4 years ago

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Sirius x Reader- Everyone But Me

Can u please do young!sirius x reader in which the reader is friends with Lily and the marauders. And in an attempt to try and see if Lily has any feelings for James, u flirt with James. And James being James goes along with it, also bc he knows Sirius likes u and he thinks it’s funny. Which does in fact not only make Lily jealous but also Sirius. Could the reader also be mega bffs with Rem please? I’m just a slut for jealous Sirius. I’m glad ur feeling better, I love you pumpkin

“I can’t believe you!” You giggled, head resting in the crook of Remus’ neck as you lost your composure. The marauders were devilish on and off the quidditch pitch and you weren’t going to tell anyone that peter had been muttering curses underneath his breath to throw off the Slytherin seeker while James worked on winning the game.

“It was harmless, really, we would’ve won the game regardless,” Sirius chimed in, tossing his arm around you and pulling you from Remus’ side into his own as he fought back the small twang of jealousy he felt. He knew that Remus had his eye on that McKinnon girl that Lily was so fond of but he couldn’t help it. He loved that you were close with everybody he cared about. Sirius couldn’t ever fall for someone who wouldn’t give his friends a chance, but he also felt fear.

Fear that he wasn’t good enough in comparison to them. Remus was kindhearted and intelligent, possessing a calm and intelligence that Sirius thought he’d never have. Peter was in his head but he had good intentions and was cute, Sirius didn’t pull off cute well- in his own opinion that was. And then there was James Potter. James, his best friend and the golden boy of gryffindor.

Which brought him to the whomping willow, hours later, back pressed against the dusty planks within the tree. When it wasn’t being used as a safe haven for Remus during the full moon it was a nice place for them to meet up and spend hours getting up to no good and enjoying their youth. You were all sat in a circle, you sitting directly between Remus and James, Sirius across from you.

It was a miracle you hadn’t noticed that his eyes had been trained on you since the second you had arrived with a smug smile and firewhisky tucked behind your back to share.

It was a miracle that Sirius didn’t notice the sly look you sent Lily’s way. You had a gleam in your eye and you finished off the cup of firewhisky you had in your hand, just enjoying the pleasant warmth that had spread through you. It was late and the whomping willow wasn’t the warmest of places as October reached its midpoint.

“So James, brilliant play today,” You cooed, changing the subject so the focus was on James and James alone. Sirius felt sick but watched in curiosity.

“Course it was,” James laughed but smiled back, sending a long look to Sirius, assessing him. Sirius was too stuck in his own mind to realize that he was being studied, he didn’t realize that to James the jealousy was clear.

You watched Lily similarly, finding the way that her expression soured as she watched you, her own jealousy beaming through. Remus watched in amusement. Sirius and Lily were quite possibly the two most emotionally constipated people he had ever met in his life.

James looked to you for a moment and your lips split into a wide grin, you winked, you actually bloody winked! Sirius felt disturbed but mainly disheartened. He didn’t like watching you express interest in James, he wanted it to be him regardless what James might feel towards you. Which seemed to be similar to your own feelings as he winked back.

“I did it of course, for you dear Y/N,” James nearly laughed at the painful flirt that made it way past his lips. It was like trying to flirt with his sister, awkard and unnatural. You two had been stuck on a bet of sorts recently. James was adamant that Sirius was head over heels for you and you were certain Lily was begging the universe for James to make the first move, just so she didn’t have to lose her Evans pride by asking him first.

You set your hand on James’ thigh as you talked, both egging on the other teens in the room that you fancied. It seemed to be too much for Sirius though as he hopped up from his reclined and faux relaxed position.

“I’ve got to go,” Was all he said before he was running out. Peter looked at you all with shame and Remus snorted, hand held open for James to drop nearly a galleon’s worth of sickles into his waiting palm. Lily raised her brow in question as Marlene sipped at the firewhisky, soaking up the drama.

“On you go then,” James directed, head jerking towards the entrance.

You chewed your lip pensively. “I still don’t think you’re right,”

“Our plan went just like we thought it would so what are you waiting for?” James asked and Lily’s mouth opened to ask but Remus shot her a look that told her she would be finding out very soon.

“If you’re wrong-” You argued, nervous that Sirius wouldn’t feel the same. What if he did but didn’t now that you had been cruel? Jealousy was a feeling that tied your stomach in knots and made your heart feel like a concrete weight in your chest. If Sirius was feeling anything like that then you didn’t doubt he would be cross with your little game.

“He’s not,” Remus reassured, hand warm on your back as he sent you an encouraging smile. “Sirius is mad for you, so go to him already.”

You finally nodded, brushing the dust from your jeans as you chased after the boy that you hadn’t had the guts to tell how you felt without playing childish games. You hoped he wasn’t too upset.

“Hey,” Your voice drifted on the icy breeze, features distorted by the moon’s light being broken up through the clouds above and Sirius froze in his tracks that had been leading anywhere that wasn’t near the whomping willow. “You left pretty quick,”

You stood a few feet behind him with a perfect smile on your face, concerned about him. He cracked his own smile but if felt cheap and brittle. “Just needed some air, drank too much probably,”

“You didn’t touch the firewhisky all night,” You pointed out and Sirius watched you intently.

“Guess not,” He shrugged lamely, not offering any explanation as to why he was lying to you. You understood he was hurt, or at least feeling inadequate, and it was up to you to make the first step.

“Want to talk about it?” You asked, not quite sure what to do now.

“Nothing to talk about,” He couldn’t help the bitter tone. Why tell you how he felt when you clearly fancied James? Why else would you be all over his friend? But... that begged another question. Why were you here and not with James when you had both seemed to be enjoying each other’s flirting?

“Alright then,” You said, smile stiff but you didn’t seem deterred as you grabbed Sirius’ hand in yours. “If you don’t have something to say, then I do. I’m sorry,” You opened your mouth to say more but it seemed stuck in your throat.

Sirius could feel your palm, sweaty against his own as you struggled for words. “You’re sorry?” He prompted, not sure why you were apologizing. Your cheeks were red but he chalked it up the buzz and the chill in the air that was pricking at his own skin and undoubtedly battling the sweater you wore and winning. You shivered.

“I’m sorry for being an idiot, I didnt mean to make you jealous-”

“I wasn’t jealous!” Sirius immediately squeaked, face hot.

You laughed. Sirius winced.

“Whatever you and James are it’s cool, I’m not jealous,” He defended again, shielding his own emotions from you. You were still laughing! Was this funny to you? Sirius tore his hand from yours, making his way back towards the school.

“Siri!” You sighed, realizing you once again had shared too little. “James and I aren’t anything! It was a trick, a prank, really! I was trying to get Lily to admit she liked James and he was doing the same to you.... Both of us are idiots,”

Sirius stood still once again but he was almost too nervous to face you as you caught back up to him. “What’s the point? Why make a mockery of us?”

“I-it wasn’t supposed to be that... I don’t want to mock you, I want you to know I like you, a lot,”

Sirius scoffed. “Funny way of showing it,” Yet, his defenses had fallen with that one blow. Y/N liked him? Surely she couldn’t mean it.

“I know,” You sighed, fingers intertwining with his once more as you tugged him to face you, his eyes darting around as he refused to make eye contact. He was trying to keep from looking hopeful in case this was still just one big joke.

“Why?” He asked.

“I told you silly, because I like you and I’m an idiot and-”

“No,” Sirius cut you off. “I mean, why me? Why not James? He’s- well he’s just better... Honestly, anyone would be better than me. I like you, oh merlin, I like you, Y/N-”

“But?” You encouraged.

“But you deserve better and anyone else would be a better match...” Sirius continued, trying to keep the hurt out of his tone. “I thought for a while you liked Remus and now James and I- Well I thought you liked everyone but me.”

To anyone that wasn’t you or the marauders, Sirius would sound indifferent as he admitted his own low self esteem. To you, however, you realized just how stupid it was to make Sirius sit in his self doubt to try and get him to say he liked you instead of just admitting it yourself.

“James is like my brother,” You wrinkled your nose in mock disgust. “I couldn’t ever feel that way about him! It’s always been you Sirius, I don’t care about anyone else the way I care about you. Remus is my best friend and James and Peter are like my annoying siblings, but that is all. You mean far more to me,”

Sirius blinked slowly. “But I’m-”

“Perfect,” You smiled. “In every way,”

Sirius felt like he’d been punched.

“So,” You blushed. “All that being said, would you do me the honor of letting me make up for my mistake and take you on a date?”

Sirius beamed, kissing your knuckles as he squeezed your hand in response. “How could I deny you the honor of going on a date with all this?” He motioned to himself, his false confidence blurring with real confidence as he tried to process that you actually liked him!

“Can I ask one thing though?” He chimed in after a moment of charged silence.

“Of course,” You let go of the breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding.

“Please, never do that again,” Sirius laughed weakly.

You agreed and pulled him into a tight hug, only pulling away when the rest of your friends found you some odd minutes later, stuck in a cozy embrace.

That weekend, you and Sirius, as well as James and Lily, had a lovely double date. The kiss you’d given him after had told Sirius all he need to know. It was him and only him and had been for quite some time. All was well.

#sirius x reader #sirius black x reader #fluff #angst #ask #anon #anon ask #sirius black #sirius

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border-spam · 5 years ago

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Troy HC dump

These span all eras and are valid for the Troy I write , some are 18+ so read more at your discretion:

Hugely into any puzzle / collection echo games (think puzzle and dragons), and uses them to relax very often in private. Finds puzzle games really destress him and help him sleep. Has spent an insane amount of money in them.

Keeps his own personal coffers and the amount he spends wouldn’t even be noticeable against his almost infinite wealth , but he’d be intensely embarrassed if anyone found out how much God King Calypso spends on gatchas.

Hair is naturally very thick, his iconic hairstyle was originally born out of frustration after going for a bandit mohawk, realising how much work that was going to be every day, then swiping it all forwards and hoping for the best.

Has v little torso hair but does pluck the patchy little bits he grows for the aesthetic, bitch.

Incredibly hygienic for a Pandoran, but more so with his oral hygiene than anything else. Had to keep a rigorous cleansing routine for the first few months after his jaw mod and just kept it up from then on.

Understands a huge amount of different languages, but not fluently. Leda taught him the basics of a lot of language cores and he can understand and read a lot relatively well. Cant speak or write them though, and keeps this skill close to his chest.

He’s intensely clever and realised early how useful it was to understand what sponsors were saying to each other in “private” by using another language during meetings with the twins. He’s turned having his intelligence underestimated so often into a weapon he wields with great skill.

His hand writing is atrocious. He can read it fine, but not even Tyreen can half the time. Almost proud of having his own shitty shorthand code he can use for notes.

Can count the amount of times he’s worn underwear by choice on his one hand since adulthood. Didn’t have any on Nekrotafeyo, and fuck it. Freedoms comfortable and let’s you have very low slung pants.

Very low slung pants are very good at distracting possible competitors/business partners enough during interactions to either cause them to slip up, or underestimate his cunning again. Either works fine for him, he gets attention, and the upper hand. Win win.

Snores really bad from a combo of mods and compromised respiratory system. Modded tongue tends to slowly extend the deeper his sleep gets, and he’s woken up with it over his eyes before. Will completely deny he snores, only Tyreen has heard it and she’s clearly lying, right?

Did most of his own piercings and barely flinched. Full on SOBBED after he pierced his nips. Sat on his bathroom floor for an hour waiting for the pain to pass while strongly second guessing his life decisions.

Gets extremely emotionally invested in classical music / soundtracks and falls asleep listening to his fave playlists often. Has nicer dreams when he does than if he doesn’t, and also feels like it helps boost his creativity while working. Doesn’t know why.

A combo of keeping his neck covered under the collar, and the scarring on his throat, has left it hyper sensitive when uncovered. A caress will instantly have him snapping viciously or melting into a gasping mess of goosebumps and shivers depending on who’s hand it was.

Super comfortable with nudity, his self esteem issues are focused on his body’s layout and the self perceived damage/disfunction of it, nudity doesn’t come into play at all.

That is, as long as his bracer is on. What’s under the bracer is the one part of his body he would be terrified of showing to someone he valued in a vulnerable situation. Any COV worshipper stupid enough to think just because they can touch him naked means they could try and touch under the bracer is going to really miss their hand afterwards ( if they are still alive to miss it ).

Would love to be able to play a musical instrument well but he’s struggled with any he tried before as only his existing hand is dextrous enough for one. Would really appreciate and treasure someone with the patience and kindness to teach him, but knows that would mean dropping the God King persona, and can’t justify damaging their reputation just for something that would make him happy.

Gets recognised instantly regardless of how he dresses or looks, which he loathes. There is no way to hide his height or build, let alone the markings on his face. Really misses being able to just wander and explore like he could in the COV’s early days.

Really, really, really loves food, but his ill health means he can’t eat the way he’d like and often has to avoid foods he wished he could eat more. God King Calypso is known for being exceptionally choosy about the food he eats. In reality, Troy just can’t trust a lot of the overly rich food he’s served.

Massively enjoys cooking in his Sanctum when alone, and would treasure doing so for anyone he sees as a friend. Has, very rarely in the past, and loved seeing how surprised they were that he’s not useless at it.

Solely drinks alcohol to get drunk, can’t really taste beer very well and doesn’t enjoy most spirits. He’s a functional alcoholic but would deny he relies on it or other drugs (he absolutely does) and blows off concern from medics as it being something he chooses to do, not needs.

Wishes he could smoke Pandoran weed but wouldn’t risk the damage to his weak lungs, tends to make tea with what he grows in his ship, shares it with Tyreen a lot. She can’t touch plants, so he has no problem doing the green thumb work and sharing with her when she needs to relax.

Unless their dad had thought it to them or they saw it in an echo show, then the twins had no grasp of basic social do’s and don'ts when they reached Pandora.

Troy would have no problem sitting in a merger meeting picking his nose while Tyreen scratched her ass in front of board members. They learned a lot of their social skills the hard way, having been asked to please, please stop by priests and saints.

Has never won a burping competition against Tyreen in his life. Is genuinely irritated by this.

Can’t dance. Can strut and pose, has a great sense of rhythm, just cannot for the life of him do anything dance wise. Please don’t ask him to it will end in tears (his).

Savant with numbers, sees them as patterns like his dad did. Thought everyone could till he met people on Pandora. Gets aggressively frustrated with anyone who he needs to explain his process for reaching a mathematical conclusion to, because they never get it.

Complete idiot tier for animals. Likes them a lot, just doesn’t know what any of them are and no one is in a position to correct him without risking embarrassing the God King publicly and having their neck snapped.

Calls everything he sees a Skag. Rakks? Flying Skags. Bullymongs? Arm Skags. Skags? “Those bitchin lil’ mouth dudes.”

Really enjoys art and has a beautiful defined style with spray paint. Dumbs it down for propaganda, but his Sanctum is filled with canvases that are experimental colour and line pieces. Very much likes working with holy iconography but tends to only illustrate Tyreen this way in his own time..

Spends a lot of hours in the Mechanicum and knows a lot of the Tinks in higher leadership position by name. Likes to talk engineering with them and feels comfortable enough to drop a lot of the God King persona and actually enjoy the conversation.

A Troy who’s excited and interested in a discussion is all twinkling eyes and gentle, eager smile. He often has to remind himself to shift back into persona mid conversation, and it can be quite.. sad.. to see him go from so clearly happy, back to an icy, scathing asshole.

Incredible at lying but cannot bluff for shit. Play any card game with him and he has instant facial tells (squints and sticks his tongue slightly out the side of his mouth when looking at his cards). Doesn’t understand why he could never win against his dad or Tyreen, probably never will.

Would never wear his reading glasses publicly, thinks they completely destroy his overall aesthetic and lines of his face mods. Won’t accept his’s wrong about this from anyone, though he personally likes how much more like himself he looks when wearing them in private.

Tyreen was so sick of seeing his ass crack, she was the one who suggested the overly tight belt that became part of his outfit. All his pants that are the right length are far too wide in the waist for his narrow hips. He could just get fitted ones now, but the low slung waist line + belt combo is part of his look at this point.

Incredibly high pain tolerance for almost everything, says he barely felt the tattoos and genuinely means it. The constant pain from the bracer and damaged shoulder joint has let him numb to most other relatively low levels of pain.

Is an amazing kisser as long as what you enjoy is the threat of being consumed alive. Troy’s mouth is a self designed weapon, verbally and physically, and he’s never been in a position to learn to use it tenderly. Doesn’t let worshippers choose to kiss him when bedding them, and is aggressive with it if he chooses to kiss them.

Would love to learn how to be tender from someone who cared for him and he felt safe enough with to allow his persona to slip and be vulnerable with, but as the years go on and the God King becomes more in control, Troy has become resigned to the fact that it’s something he will never have.

Very self conscious about his hygiene and showers usually twice daily if he can. Everything on Pandora is covered in sweat and filth, and he can’t risk getting infections considering the amount of open ports along his body. Really enjoys scents and has a surprisingly large collection.

Gets highly irritated with public displays of affection. Intensely, soul crushingly envious.

This gets dangerous late God King era as he becomes more and more violent. People have learned to be extremely careful to not show affection to each other in viewing distance of him at all, or risk losing a limb. Or worse.

Sex drive only gets higher as time goes on. For the first few years he much preferred pleasuring himself rather than interacting with the squalid heaving masses of followers throwing their bodies at him, but by the time of the God King era in later COV years, he can’t stand touching himself anymore. He doesn’t want to touch his body, and the God King is more than happy to let others praise it nightly instead.

Sleeps with huge cushions he brushes off as being for comfort, but deep down he knows its because their weight and pressure helps him not feel so alone.

Squints a lot and is known for scowling, but it’s mostly due to terrible headaches, not eye sight issues or his mood. The dark eye makeup helps with the glare a little but he’s noticeably paler than his sister due to the bright sun causing them more often than not and him preferring to stay in the shade of indoors.

Has kept every single thing given to him out of kindness. Will keep sugar packets if someone brings him a coffee with one out of concern for him looking tired. If he feels it was done because they like him and not out of respect for his title, he will keep anything he’s been given.

Most of the people who gave him these tiny things he’s kept.. well.. they aren’t around anymore (no one he’s gotten to know well chooses to stay very long ).. but he still likes to look through them sometimes when he needs to be reminded he’s possible to like.

The collection looks like a little box of trash to anyone else, but bar his old jacket his father made for him out of one of his own that he still keeps hidden away, it’s probably his most treasured possession.

#troy calypso #calypso twins #borderlands #borderlands 3 #bl3 #my writing #my hcs

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krystalgazer · 5 years ago

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I wonder a lot whether after the Not-Apocalypse and especially the ‘trials’ the two were subjected to, the dynamic between Crowley and Aziraphale may shift in reverse, for at least a little while.

I can’t get over the fact that neither Aziraphale or Crowley ever considered Heaven a real threat. I mean, Aziraphale may hem and haw about the Arrangement now, but he was the one who arguably instigated their relationship back in Rome. Before then, they arguably only talked shop with each other, but going to a restaurant, purely for the pleasure of eating in each other’s company? That was Aziraphale’s idea. And while Crowley approached Aziraphale first on the walls of Eden, it was Aziraphale who held out a wing to Crowley in kindness. At the beginning and until Rome, it was Crowley that approached, but Aziraphale is the one that didn’t turn Crowley away; even if arguably Crowley could be seen as trying to get intelligence from Aziraphale in those early meetings (which may have well been Crowley’s excuse to Hell if anyone questioned them).

Once the Arrangement gets started, Aziraphale notably doesn’t seem concerned with the fact that he has to perform temptations or whether he’s being corrupted by demonic wiles or whatever; if he does, he seems to think he’s well-equipped enough to deal with it himself. No, it’s Crowley he’s worried about. ‘They’ll destroy you if they find out’ seems to be a frequent objection to any risky plan the two of them have, and the best comfort Crowley can give is, ‘Not if they don’t find out.’ It’s only when things get really dicey that Aziraphale pulls out the ‘I might get in trouble too’ card, which reads more along the lines of ‘Well if you’re going to be stubborn and not consider yourself, consider me!’ The last step is pushing Crowley away, and it’s not for Aziraphale’s own benefit. Aziraphale is motivated to keep Crowley as safe as possible whilst acknowledging that he himself is a huge danger to Crowley. There’s also the fact that Crowley himself is scared of Hell; hence the whole ‘I’m not nice! Don’t say thank you! Shut up I didn’t save you I was in the area! My lot don’t send rude notes!’ He is so scared he needs to set up plausible deniability for his good actions towards Aziraphale; something Aziraphale doesn’t seem to bother with for himself in regards to his own questionable actions on behalf of Crowley.

There’s also the fact that the both of them accept a lot of Heaven’s propaganda as read. Both Aziraphale and Crowley accept that Heaven is the ‘good’ side and that Hell is a harsh negative force, while Heaven could be counted on to be good. While Aziraphale identifies in the book the link between how suffering can give opportunities to find salvation, neither of them link how mischief, temptation and chaos are needed before grace and order can manifest themselves positively. Both Aziraphale and also Crowley just accept that Hell is totally in the wrong most, if not all the time. This is also probably why Crowley clings to the ‘I didn’t really fall/I didn’t mean to fall’ narrative he keeps repeating.

So, considering that both of them seem to believe in the inherent goodness of Heaven, and because of that neither of them considered that Heaven would go so far as to destroy one of their own...like, can you imagine the utter shock and despair that Crowley must have felt, seeing that huge gout of Hellfire meant for his Angel? In contrast, both Aziraphale and Crowley have had hundreds of years to come to terms with the danger Crowley was in, and you could kind of see that in how Aziraphale acted in Crowley’s trial; he made sure to put on as strong a performance as possible, and to really put the boot into everyone involved to make sure they understood as clearly as possible that Crowley is to be left alone Or Else. But Crowley? It was transparently a struggle to keep his facade on, let alone make any demands of Heaven’s hosts (also as an aside, how lovely and heartbreaking that Crowley thought that Aziraphale would be so fearless and full of so much grace at the end of everything. ‘May we meet on a better occasion’ makes me cry so hard). He is so, so still with the effort to control his anger, and also his shock at how far Heaven would go to destroy Aziraphale.

I found it telling how subdued Crowley was once the two of them switched back. Aziraphale shared tidbits about his ordeal straight away, and is clearly flush with victory and relief that his greatest fears, that Crowley would be destroyed by Hell and/or by Holy Water, have been overcome. Crowley laughs with Aziraphale, but he looks away and shares no details about his own ordeal. Instead, he quietly speculates on a situation worse than the the one they had just overcome, waiting for them in the future.

Aziraphale has overcome his greatest fear, but I think at the end Crowley has just found his; he’s now in a similar but arguably worse situation that Aziraphale had been in for the past 1,000 years, where he had to look squarely at the potential consequences of their relationship and how it could lead to Aziraphale’s destruction. Aziraphale speculated all these years, but Crowley was trapped in Aziraphale’s skin and had to live it. Crowley has low self-esteem at the best of times; add to that the fact that being around the person he loves the most in all of Creation could have lead, and maybe could still lead to Aziraphale’s destruction?

I imagine that Crowley would try to push Aziraphale away. I imagine he might just disappear for a while. I imagine he might fall into a deep, deep despair as he realises how poisonous his presence has been to Aziraphale these long millenia. Considering how little he thinks of himself, he may even blame himself for how Gabriel and the others treated Aziraphale. He would also know that Hell and especially Heaven are still out there, and how safe are the both of them really? Hell is a known entity, but would Heaven actually just leave them alone? And what does that mean for everything, that Heaven and Hell are as bad as one another? Will he ever tell Aziraphale just how much contempt his kin hold him in; that these beings that apparently are made of love find Aziraphale so unloveable? That the same entities that spared angels that rebelled against the Almighty Herself delighted in the thought of destroying Aziraphale? How can Crowley tell him? And if he doesn’t, how much will this knowledge poison Crowley, this horrible secret with no outlet except to hurt the person he loves the most with the truth?

It’s a terrible irony that just as Aziraphale is ready to pull the breaks up and say Go as fast as you like Crowley dear, I’m holding onto you now and I will never let go again, it would be Crowley that Heaven would traumatise to the point of paralysis. Thanks a lot Gabe, you putz.

Seriously though, even though the Apocalypse was put to rest, the new and old trauma these two have suffered would not have been. What gives me hope is that Aziraphale finally has the freedom to be the strong one; the guardian and healer that a Principality is made to be. I think Aziraphale will chase down Crowley wherever he might disappear to and fill him with love and protection, and remind him that You have always done the same for me, after all. I imagine them happy and whole in the end, but not right away, and maybe not for a very long time.

#good omens headcanons #good omens meta #ineffable husbands #my incoherent rambling

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pleasuringmyprincess · 5 years ago

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Love Letter

I wrote the following In July, but decided not to share it at that time. it's now October. Circumstances change.

________________________________________________________________

I know this isn’t going to be easy for me, so please bear with me.

I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

I’ve know Ren for six months or so, in a long distance relationship through circumstance rather than design. Circumstance being that I live in California, while she lives in England. This is not a full time LDR, work and family (I’m also from England) bring me to the UK regularly. So in the time we’ve known each other, I’ve travelled to England every 10-12 weeks, staying for 4-5 weeks each time, and I have two more trips scheduled for between now and the end of the year.

When I met Ren it was supposed to be just for play, but we found we had so much in common, so many shared interests outside in the real world, so much chemistry that a serious relationship quickly developed.

Ren isn’t just a delightful sub, she’s a wonderful mother to two lovely children, she’s fantastic company, intelligent, fun loving, really smart, caring, upbeat all the time, but... there’s always a but, and for Ren it’s a big one.

Let’s start by saying if there was ever someone who didn’t deserve the deck she was dealt it’s Ren. Over the last 6 years her self-esteem has been shattered by her prior partners, (I’ll say no more than that they have one way or another treated her badly) and as a consequence she has suffered from severe depression, has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, has self-harmed, and most recently has been diagnosed and is now being successfully treated for severe Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).

Pause a moment there - this is the same woman, the woman who has been shit on by the world is also the wonderful mother, the delightful, intelligent, fun loving, smart, caring woman. My unicorn.

Ren’s seen a few big changes recently, most significantly she finally was able to divorce her husband and move to a new home. Two big steps forward, but at a cost of greatly increased anxiety. Just after this she heard that she was losing her job - she’s highly skilled but works in a poorly paid profession and because of the need to care for her kids, can only work part time. And she’s just lost her dom. We’ll come back to that in a minute.

In a scene, Ren is delightful, absolutely exquisite. I couldn’t ask for more, it breaks my heart to think of letting her go. Outside of a scene though, she can be very hard work. It’s more a question of providing support and encouragement over discipline. I have lost count of the number of hours I’ve spent helping her through the pain she feels. When she’s particularly low, it can be 3-4 hours a day. That’s not a complaint, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat even now while I’m writing this. It’s just a sign of the level of commitment you need to make. And just so it’s clear, Ren knows she has these problems and spends a lot of time in self-care activities and while it helps, it’s not enough.

Ren’s a working single mum, on a budget, she’s already very disciplined, very ordered, but she still struggles with some things and I have not been as successful as I would have liked in helping her address these issues (although today she has just proved to me that she can do this unbidden when motivated). I’ve not got to the bottom of why this is, and frankly it’s not been a high priority for me. I’ve been focused on helping her improve her self-esteem, manage her anxiety and encourage her to seek treatment for her PMDD (yay me!). This has really been my primary goal. And while it’s too soon to be sure, it really looks like we have succeeded, her anxiety and PMDD are both under control now. She is far far stronger today than she was three months ago.

Unfortunately, helping her get treatment for PMDD may have been my downfall.

After six years in the wilderness Ren is becoming whole again, free from her past, independent, far stronger than she has been for many years. Strong enough to tell me that she wants to move on. Ren needs someone full time, I know this, we’ve discussed it at length, and I had already put plans in motion to return to live in England to be with her. Now Ren has told me that while I am returning to England, it's not soon enough for her - she doesn’t want to wait. She also has concerns about my marriage. I am divorcing, she knows this, but right now I am married, and my divorce is something that Ren does not want to feel responsible for - she’s not responsible, that ship sailed long ago, but she says she will still feel responsible, and that’s enough. And my age, I’m 14 years older than her, too old in her eyes for a long term commitment.

Now obviously I’m not too happy about this, we are/were amazingly good together and had I not worked so hard to help her through her problems I might not be in this position today. I do feel significantly responsible for Ren’s recent improvement. For giving her the support she needed; for helping her apply for jobs; for showing her that there was a man who would fight for her, accept her for who she is, respect her for it; for being the consistent and reliable dom she needed; and most significantly for getting her back to the doc and having her PMDD addressed.

This is where I get a little twisted - one of the side effects of the medication Ren is taking for PMDD is possible impaired judgement. And there's part of me that thinks, dumping your dom like this wasn't the wisest thing to do right now. So the treatment for PMDD that I helped her get, might possibly be responsible for Ren taking what I think is an ill-judged decision in deciding that she’d rather seek out her perfect Dom than accept this one with all his flaws. I’m not blind to the fact that there’s part of me that thinks ‘Hey, I did the hard work in putting her back together and it would be nice to enjoy some of the benefits’, OK, I fully realize that’s selfish of me, but it’s understandable, I’m a dom, not a saint. To be clear though, it's not the decision I have a problem with, it's the hurried way she approached it. But we serve at our sub’s pleasure, and so here we are.

As it is, and I’ve never shared this with anyone, not even Ren, until now. I made a promise to myself that I’d help her come what may. And if that means 'setting her free' and helping her find a dom who’s worthy of her, that’s what I’ll do.

And so I’m looking for a new dom for my sub.

If you think that you might possibly be able to be the dom Ren needs, I’d like to hear from you. Before you all shout, as you might have gathered, I hold Ren in very high regard, and I will not let her settle for anyone who isn’t good enough. And just to be clear, I’m not going away. Ren and I have every intention of remaining friends.

So can this be you?

Let’s see shall we.

You’ve got to accept that Ren is a rich multi-faceted human being. If you are looking for a fuck toy, stop here.

She’s looking for more than just a play partner. Listen to Lou Reid singing Perfect Day, if you can’t offer that, you can stop reading here. Married guys (like me), guys in poly, or any form of relationship with someone else, you can stop here, she wants exclusivity. Btw, if you’re separated, divorcing, or whatever, you’re still married, so you stop here too. You don’t drink sangria in the park with Ren, and then later when it gets dark go home to your wife (read the lyrics, it will make sense).

Age 40-50, no exceptions. You will be fit and healthy, height/weight proportional.

No diseases, you will provide current STI test results, and you will always use a condom.

It will help if you a pro-Remain, if not, you need to be able to offer a coherent argument against. Intelligence matters.

As a submissive, Ren has specific needs, and specific limits. She needs pain, she needs to be spanked, mild to moderate use of a riding crop and paddle is OK, but not severe caning. She needs bondage both for the restraint and the art. Obviously there are other things as well, but she can share that if you meet, and I’m sure there are things that we’ve not tried that she will enjoy. She has limits and you will respect them. You will not humiliate her in any way, not even name calling. Not in play, not as punishment. There are other things you will not do, obviously, and again she can share them if you meet.

You must be an experienced Dom, having a fetlife account or a tumblr blog doesn’t count. You will meet me first. You will provide government photo ID, and references, and I will follow up on references in person.

Ren needs a Dom who is close by, someone who can see her 2-3 times a week without fail and who will remain in close contact when apart. Long distance relationships don’t work for her (ask me how I know), she needs to know you are close by, which means you must be within daily driving distance. No, she will not relocate. She has joint custody of her kids with her ex and that’s not going to change.

You’ve got to accept that she is not at your beck and call. She’s a mother, her kids come first and always will. You don’t even rate second place; like I said, she has a very demanding self-care program that takes a lot of her time, that comes next. She also has a cat. You might aspire to a position above the cat in her hierarchy, but I wouldn’t count on it.

________________________________________________________________

Don't take this as anything other than a mile marker down a road already travelled.

Applications are not currently being accepted.

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taetaesource · 6 years ago

Text

Friend with benefit

You had a friend with benefit that was toxic and Changkyun came to save you.

This took so long and i’m finally out with it. Above 18 only please.

You took a deep breath and exhaled in great relief when you saw the results on the stick showing a negative.

Your period has skipped and you have been experiencing some symptoms of what looks like a pregnancy - losing your appetite, feeling nauseous all the time, especially in the mornings and when you smell something weird in the air, the cramps every now and then, the aches on your back and bloatedness in your abdomen.

Pregnancy scares were not something new to you, but it usually came in the form of irregular periods without other symptoms so this time it got you more worried. When the stick showed negative, you could now safely visit a doctor without the fear of hearing something that you didn’t quite want to hear.

You dragged yourself out of the toilet and made your way back to your seat. You had managed to grab a pregnancy test kit at the convenient store on your way to office this morning and had to discreetly take it to the toilet with you without anyone noticing. You were quite glad that your colleagues were not busybodies, and everyone tend to be busy typing away on their computers first thing in the morning, so you could use the time to sneak away to the toilet before they start breaking off to make some coffee or breakfast at the pantry, which was next to the toilet.

“Are you okay? You look really sick,” your colleague Miyeon saw you slumped on your seat with your head resting on the chair and eyes closed.

“Yeah, I’m just feeling really nauseous.”

“Still? You were like this for quite a few days.”

“Yeah, i think it got worse today.”

“You’d better take the day off and go see a doctor.”

“Yeah I’m planning on doing that, is boss in already?

“Yes, he’s in his office already.”

You waved Miyeon away and went back to closing your eyes for awhile.

Your phone buzzed while you were waiting for the bus outside the office building. The text that you were waiting for seemed to come a little too late, but it was always like that with him. Always a little too late.

From T: Hey, are you okay?

A text that was all too familiar but never helpful. But at least it came.

Reply: why not?

From T: I saw you walking out and you looked pale

Miyeon and the rest were telling you to take care before you left the office. You had gotten permission from your boss to take the rest of the day off and packed up to leave. He must have heard them and noticed that you were leaving.

Reply: yeah wasn’t feeling too well so I’m going home now

From T: okay take care

You had always wanted him to not show much concern to you, to keep things at a distance, so his reply should be perfect. But somehow it made you feel bitter. Somehow you were always wishing that he would ask a little more - “what happened?”, “How do you feel?”, “Please see a doctor”, “What did the doctor say?”, “how are you going home?”

But you will slap yourself, telling yourself, “of course his reply would be like this. Why would he give you anything more? You were not even his girlfriend.” You laughed a little at your own stupidity and hailed a taxi to the doctor’s clinic. This was how you brushed your own thoughts and emotions away all the time. Even though the both of you were fucking each other on a regular basis, you were not the one he was going to marry. It made your heart ache even more but it was the truth that you had to accept.

In the beginning, you would stay in bed and cuddle with him after sex. Forgetting about the world, forgetting about reality and letting time stay in the moment as the two of you indulged in just each other and each other only. You were happy to have him completely in those moments, you felt that that was enough for you, even though the both of you would pretend not to know each other that well on an ordinary day, in front of everyone else. But the taste of bitterness and disappointment hit you completely in the face when he brought his girlfriend up to office one day. She had a big diamond ring on her fourth finger, silently announcing that he had proposed to her. You felt betrayed because of all the times you have slept together, he had not mentioned anything at all about the engagement. In fact, deep down you were expecting them to break up one day because if he had truly loved her, he wouldn’t be fucking around behind her back, isn’t it? From that day on, you’ve decided that friends with benefits should remain as that with no strings attached. So after fucking, you would get up and leave in a fake chirpy way, thanking him for the good fuck and making it a point to always be the one who leave first.

He did not need your emotions so you have learnt that there was no need to spill those unnecessary emotions on him. Even when you were feeling anxious about the pregnancy scares, when you wished that while he was on top of you, he would kiss the top of your head just because you had a bad day, you never told him.

The both of you met in school and knew each other for the longest time. He was always the decent, responsible and intelligent guy. A complete opposite from you who is emotional, dramatic and outgoing. The both of you clicked well, but of course a good guy like him would choose to be with the girl who was demure, pampered and submissive. Throughout the years, he had always complained about how his girlfriend was incompatible with him, how he could not tell her about his struggles because she simply did not understand. It was one night when he accidentally revealed that they never had sex in the 10 years together, that you laughed at him and started talking about topics of sex. Talking eventually led to acting out on the real deal and that’s when the both of you became sex buddies, satisfying each other’s needs and nothing more.

The relationship somehow affected your self-esteem as well. While you were able to make him feel good in bed, hearing his girlfriend, who was now his fiancé, talked about going on a trip to Europe with him, made it clear that you were nobody instantly. While they were going on dates to nice restaurants talking about their day and their future, you could only swipe for guys on Tinder who were uninterested in a relationship, or if they were, they would be creeps or nerds who were below average. But a girl like you could only get such guys isn’t it? So you were never fussy about the guys who chat you up, after all you were not getting any younger.

He did not really care about the guys that you were going out with anyway. He would ask if you were going out with the guy and if you said yes, he would say good for you, and that if you wanted to stop the sex thing, you could let him know anytime.

You knew you had to get out of this, but you have been beating your self-esteem so low that you didn’t know how to love yourself anymore.

“Is this yours?” somebody tapped on your shoulder. It was a young guy who mumbled his speech.

“Oh yes, thank you,” you replied and turned back around. He didn’t have to disturb you, it was just a useless promotional brochure that slipped out of the bag of medicine that the clinic handed to you.

“The bus just left, and you look really unwell... maybe you want to take a seat? I don’t think the bus is gonna come soon....” the young man continued, and at this point, you were getting somewhat annoyed. The weather was hot and you were not feeling good, yet this guy kept trying to strike a conversation that you were totally not interested in.

“No it’s fine, thank you.” But you went to take a seat after probably 5 seconds later. You were planning on taking a seat but you didn’t want to appear to be accepting his offer, in case he took the chance to carry on a conversation with you.

He sat down next to you after awhile, but he probably figured that you were not in the mood, so he whipped out his Beats earphones and started looking for music in his phone.

You’ve noticed that he was running an album that you liked and you were surprised. It was an old jazz album and not many people listened to such music, and almost nobody around you have heard of this singer.

You peeked at his phone to see him scrolling and which song he will eventually choose, and he probably noticed someone staring at his phone, so he stopped scrolling and stared at you. You were embarrassed as you know how annoying it was for a stranger to peek at your phone while standing or sitting next to you on public transport. It was an invasion of personal space and privacy, you could see it that way. So you bit your lips and looked away.

The guy took off his earphones and hooked them around his neck, he turned to you with his phone, “do you listen to jazz?”

“Not really, but I know this album. It’s my favourite...”

“Which is your favourite song?”

“Paris.”

“Oh, I prefer Tangled Up. It suits her voice better. Paris sounds like a movie soundtrack that shouldn’t have been in this album.”

You felt rather insulted because everyone has their own choice on what they like or do not like, and he did not have to be so upfront about it. But you were more impressed that he was assertive and objective in voicing his opinion. You were expecting him to praise and go along with your choice since he was trying to hit on you earlier on.

You shrugged and continued to stare into blank space.

“Why do you think people like to put things into where they don’t belong?” you asked without turning away from where you were staring. It sounded more like a question that you were asking yourself.

“Maybe the person knew that it didn’t belong, but put it in anyway wishing that it will be accepted. She probably was hoping to receive some kind of validation so that she can justify why she felt that way about something.”

“But it hurts even more when nobody validates... It’s like reality giving you a big hit in the face...”

“Well, you just said that that’s your favourite song. There, she has someone who is validating the reason why she put this song in. And you don’t always need to have people validating your choices, if you feel that you want to give it a shot for yourself, then go for it.” It felt like he knew you were not talking about the song but about your life, and he did not want to openly talk about it to embarrass you. It felt like as if he was someone you could trust and open up to.

“Do you believe in friends with benefits?”

“I don’t know if I believe in it or not because I’ve never tried it, but I’m intrigued by it though.”

“Don’t bother trying. It’s a waste of time.”

“Then why don’t you waste it on me?”

By this time, you turned to face him in shock. You saw him eye to eye and realised that his nose is high and sharp, his eyes are nicely shaped they look like the eyes of a little wolf. His lips are thin and his brows are thick. He looks young, probably a few years younger than you are. The best part of him was his voice. It was so deep and raspy that it made him 10 times more attractive.

After you got home, you could not stop thinking about what happened. You were left dumbfounded and the guy simply left you his number and told you that you could contact him anytime. It sounded like a good deal because you could now move on and forget about T once and for all, plus this guy was not the worst you’ve contemplated. In fact, he was the most attractive of all the guys you have thought of using to get out of your current affair with the attached man. But part of you could not do it because he was literally a stranger you met at the bus stop. You knew nothing about him and what he was truly looking for.

But as you thought about your relationship with T and how it was heading to doom, you felt that you had nothing to lose at all at this point, so you picked up your phone and texted the bus-stop guy.

Sent: Hey, do you want to go for a drink? Maybe next week or something? After I recover from this stomach flu....

There was no reply and you were getting a little fidgety so after 15 minutes of silence, you decided to take your medicine and go to sleep so that you don’t have to deal with the anxiety of waiting.

You woke up in the middle of the night, all groggy from the drowsiness of your medicine. You looked at your phone to check the time and also saw a new message that you’ve been waiting for.

From bus stop guy: Sure. But are you sure you want to drink after you’ve recovered?

Sent: Or what else would you suggest?

After you’ve sent the text, you decided to get up to have something to eat and to take your medicine again before going back to sleep. When you returned to your bed, there was a message already on your phone.

From bus stop guy: Hmm let’s do dinner instead, we could decide if you want to drink after that or not

Sent: Sounds good... hit me up with your availability and the place. I’m a little to out of it to think now. I just woke up and I’m going right back to sleep.

From bus stop guy: Sure. I’ll let you know again at a later date. Get well soon.

Going back to work after you’ve rested for a few days felt like you were back into dealing with the bitter reality. The first person you saw when you pushed through the main door to the office was T and the both of you merely stared at each other for two seconds before he pretended to rush off to wherever he was going with those papers in his hands. You felt like rolling your eyes at what you had to deal with the first thing you came back, but your heart also sank knowing that he did not even have a look of concern in his eyes.

When it was nearing lunchtime, your phone buzzed and it was a text from T.

From T: Are you feeling better?

Sent: Yes, I guess so. If not I wouldn’t be back in office.

From T: Great. So... are you free tonight?

From T: It felt like I haven’t seen you in so long...

He probably meant that he hasn’t fucked you in so long. You were thinking of an appropriate response to sent to him, hoping to avoid the whole topic of sex but a new text came in and your heart immediately jumped.

From bus stop guy: Hope you are feeling better now. And I hope you didn’t forget about what we spoke about last week.

From bus stop guy: If you are free tomorrow night, let’s have prime ribs if you are up for it.

Sent: Sure!

You replied almost immediately, happy that you had something to distract you from the previous message. And you could forget about replying him now that you got someone new to talk to.

You left work on time that day, and waited for your date outside the mall where the restaurant was. It took him awhile to arrive and you were wondering which guy would actually turn up late on the first date.

When he appeared, he was in plaid flannel shirt and black jeans, he looked really young, definitely younger than you were, since you were in office wear and he looked like he came from home on a weekday.

“I’m sorry to keep you waiting, let’s go!” he said a little out of breath.

You were fairly distracted at the restaurant. You spent a long time looking at the menu but nothing seemed to interest you. You settled with a classic choice of bbq ribs as the easiest way out while your date chose to go with a prime cut with pineapple slices as toppings. He was the first to start a conversation after the waiter walked away with your orders.

“So how was work today?”

“Not too bad, just doing the same old stuff. Usually there would be meetings and meetings at my place tend to go on for more than an hour, so on days when there’s no meetings, the day seems to go slower and more relaxed, and today is one of those days,” you have been accustomed to small talks and learnt that it was easier to talk more about work than anything else.

“Pardon me, but I’m gonna jump into asking the very basic questions because I realised I don’t know much about you. I don’t even think I know your name...”

You laughed, “oh yes, I don’t think we have introduced ourselves properly. My name is ________”

“And I’m Changkyun,” he said with a smile that made his dimple show on his left side.

“So what do you do? Have you even started working?” You were getting really curious about his age.

“Kind of, I’m doing freelance producing music and writing songs. What about you? What do you work as?” He picked up the glass of water towards the end of his sentence and started sipping after he has finished his question.

“I’m an administrator in a law firm. So I sort out all the paperwork, and lots of paperwork for the lawyers at my company.”

“Wow, that sounds like a very serious job,” usually when people hear about your job, you knew their first reaction was to comment that it was a very boring job, whether they say it directly or within a joke, but you were glad that Changkyun masked it quite well and showed no sign of meaning that it was a boring job when he used the word “serious”.

“It’s a really boring job”, you always admit it first so that you don’t have to hear it from one more person.

“Hmm... is that why you are looking for a friend with benefit?”

You almost choked on the ribs that arrived while the both of you were talking. It was a little awkward because you were struggling whether to deny it or to play it cool and you couldn’t decide what was the best thing to do at that moment, so you pretended to be busy with your food.

“I don’t know. What about you? Do you have one now?” you tried to divert the topic to him instead.

“I don’t know”, he seemed to be quite smart in terms of giving out the equal amount of information as you, so it will not be a case where you get to know more about him than he knew about you.

“What do guys in general think about the idea of friends with benefit? Guys love that idea, right?” you started to broaden the topic to make things less personal and awkward, but also not straying away from it.

“I guess most guys would like the idea, I mean, let’s be honest, guys will not say no to sex.”

“Plus there’s no commitment, all the better.”

“Well, there is a certain level of commitment if you think about it. Friends with benefits are based on the premise that was drawn out beforehand, isn’t it? Like both parties will have to talk about what goes in and out of the whole,” he gestured, “deal or something. Like if either party catches feelings, then it’s called off or something.”

“Catching feelings is always the dealbreaker,” you agreed solemnly.

“So when was the last time you have properly dated a guy? I mean properly went out and in a relationship, not the hookups and friends with benefits type.”

“Hey! I don’t only hook-” you caught yourself being extremely defensive all of a sudden and got a grip of yourself for a moment. “I am not that kind of women that you think I am, just because I’ve been asking questions about friends with benefit, doesn’t mean-” you abruptly ended your sentence because what you were going to say did not hold true. “I’m just curious” you lowered your voice to the point where you were just mumbling to yourself.

He laughed. He laughed in the “he thinks you are cute” kind of laugh. And you turned red in your seat, you were not sure if you were embarrassed or if you were blushing.

“So you haven’t answered my question - when was the last time you properly dated a guy?”

You thought about it for awhile. “Now that you’ve asked, it really has been a long time,” you said in a sad tone.

“One month ago? Or three months ago?”

“Hey! What do you take me for??” you raised your voice to the defensive volume again and he laughed again.

“Okok, I was just joking, so when was it?”

“It might really go back to my school days?” you said as you try to recall those sketchy memories.

“Wow are you kidding me?”

“No, I mean, it’s difficult to define because I’ve met guys in between but it’s usually just one date and that’s it.”

“One date and that’s it?”

“Yeah and I don’t mean one night stand okay. It’s like this, where we just go out for dinner, talk, and that’s it.”

“No more follow-ups after that?”

“Nope, not even texts. I mean there’s one or two but the conversations couldn’t sustain. And the rest, just no. Maybe I bored them off at dinner...”

“Well, I don’t think you are boring, I mean, at least I am not bored now.”

“You speak too soon, young man. Let’s see what happens after this.”

“Yeah, we’ll see” he shrugged and smirked again while reaching for his glass to take drink.

“So how old are you?” you asked as the both of you walked out of the shopping mall.

“Guess?”

“20.”

“Do I really look that young?”

“The way you insisted on paying for the meal doesn’t make you seem older than you are, in case you are thinking that it will,” you teased.

“I’m 23.”

“Wow, that’s really young. Now I am really feeling it - old.”

“Come on, you are not that much older than me. Are you?”

You stared at him with puppy eyes and nodded. Changkyun rolled his eyes.

“So what are you? 25?”

You pretended to ugly cry. “I’m even older than that.”

“What? Are you serious?”

You pretended to ugly cry again. “Oh my gosh, you are a baby.”

He rolled his eyes again. You laughed as you sat down with him at the taxi stand.

“Where do you stay? Let me take you home,” he said as he took out his phone to open the Grab app.

“I am old enough to go back home on my own, and it’s late, I should be the one sending you home.”

He rolled his eyes again and you found it amusing to tease him about his age.

He got a Grab and dropped you off first anyway. Before you got off, he said it was nice meeting you and he had a good night, but you just had to tease him one last time, “thank you for tonight, and the next time I will buy you dinner. Bye boy boy!”

Going to work the next day felt like a return to reality. Back to the boring and routine lifestyle. The worst part was overhearing your colleagues gathering around to ask T about his wedding plans. You really didn’t need to hear about how both families have met to discuss but nothing concrete was out. What made everything worse was that Changkyun did not text you after you got home, and you didn’t know what to say even if you wanted to text first.

You began swiping on Tinder again and matched with a few guys. One of them were looking to hookup which you agreed to after hesitating for awhile. But you figured that you had nothing to do and nothing to lose so you might as well have some fun, and started arranging with the guy for the hookup.

Your day ended even worse when you had to avoid taking the same lift as T by pretending to have left something behind, only to see him walk out of the lobby hand in hand with his fiancée.

You needed the hookup to happen right now but the guy had plans.

That night, you received a text from Changkyun, but your mood was already at its lowest.

From Changkyun: the old lady at the shop called me “boy boy” today and it reminded me of you *roll eyes emoji*

From Changkyun: so you should be off work by now? how’s your day?

Sent: very shitty

From Changkyun: oh... what happened?

Sent: shit happened

From Changkyun: sounds bad. Want to talk about it?

Sent: it’s a long story but anyway to make matters worse, I am planning a hookup with some guy on Tinder

From Changkyun: oh wow

Sent: I actually needed it today but too bad he has got plans

At this point you were so angry and frustrated that you were just speaking spitefully without a care about whether Changkyun would think of you as that kind of person and leave. You just wanted to vent and blamed him for not texting you to help make your day better. If you had thought about this rationally, there was no way for him to reply to your texts too. Your texts were just shutting him off.

From Changkyun: was it really so bad?

Sent: how about you try fucking some guy and watch him marry someone else instead

From Changkyun: okay that is bad. And are you still fucking that guy? Wait, is that your friend with benefit?

Sent: Ya I fucked up. I mean, of course I’m fucked up that’s why he is marrying someone else right?

From Changkyun: come on, don’t say that about yourself. Actually he is the one who is fucked up if he has a friend with benefit when he is marrying someone already.

Sent: And you know what’s the most fucked up part? Is that it hurts even though I know

From Changkyun: of course it hurts, it’s not even just about the emotional attachment, it’s the whole idea that he is getting away with this without his fiancée knowing, he is literally deceiving everyone

Sent: Yes and having to watch him deceive everyone every single day is killing me

From Changkyun: oh you mean he works at the same place as you?

Sent: yes

From Changkyun: oh shit. Why do you do this to yourself? You should just quit.

Sent: I know right. I think I should really find someone to hook up with so that I can stop feeling like shit

From Changkyun: that’s not a long term solution though

Sent: yeah I need a long term boyfriend but that wouldn’t happen overnight

From Changkyun: Things take time, especially when it comes to building a relationship

You were in such a lousy mood that you did not want to hear Changkyun’s lectures anymore. So you left the text as it was and went to sleep.

The next day, he texted you before lunchtime to ask if you slept well and also some animal memes. But you were in no mood to entertain. You were supposed to meet the guy you were hooking up with that night so you were anticipating it with mixed feelings. On one hand you knew that it will not help you feel better, but on the other hand, you wish that it will because you didn’t know what else could help.

When you met the guy, you were nervous and awkward. You didn’t know how to behave because it was the first time meeting him. Lucky he seemed quite experienced so he first asked if you were okay to go ahead with the arrangement. You nodded and he suggested to go to the convenience store to grab some condoms and lubes before going up to the hotel. He said that alcohol would help to relax and ease the both of you in and asked which alcohol would you like. You went along with whichever that he picked since your mind wasn’t there at all. You did not know if this was the right thing to do. You were not the type of person who will sleep with a stranger that you’ve met for the first time. You slept with T because you had feelings. But because of the way you were treated, you felt like your feelings didn’t matter, and you didn’t matter. At least sex was pleasurable and you could make the other party feel good and feel that you were good. But you were not sure if you wanted to make the guy who was standing right next to you now feel good. You were just not sure if you truly wanted this. You only wanted this because it was a common thing that people do to distract and detach themselves from all sorts of emotional attachments.

Just as he was about to pay, you stretched out and grabbed his arm to stop him. “I’m sorry”, was all that you could say. You left the store feeling like crap as the guy gave you a “what the hell” look, and you felt like a loser who didn’t know what she wanted.

You took out your phone and texted Changkyun.

Sent: I was supposed to do the hookup tonight, but I fucked up.

Changkyun did not reply so you walked aimlessly on the streets, your mind was everywhere but it was also blank. After forever, Changkyun replied.

From Changkyun: What happened?

Sent: I backed out and I’m just wandering around now. Can I call you?

You were expecting Changkyun to reply but his call came in instead and you were so grateful. When you heard his voice, you couldn’t say anything except to cry. Changkyun did not say anything but let you cry for awhile before he said in a calm and soothing voice, he tried not to sound startled, “It’s okay, it’s okay, where are you now?”

When he arrived at where you were, he saw you sitting on small step that led up to a fountain. You were so small and vulnerable, like a lost kitten that was waiting for someone to rescue her. He didn’t know what happened but he knew that you were not at your best and you probably needed help so he rushed down after receiving your google location pin. Changkyun did not know what to say to you when he approached you. He could only gently asked, “hey, are you okay?”

You had your head down but when you heard him, you looked up at him. You shook your head and he saw that you had tears on your face and he didn’t know what to say. His heart softened and he inched closer to embrace you, and he slowly pulled you into his chest, stroking your head and letting you cry in his arms. This was such a confusing moment for him. He didn’t know what’s going on and he didn’t even know you that well. You were curt and emotional in your texts just yesterday and today you called him up to cry. A brief thought that you were dramatic and had a complicated life flashed through his mind, but he was more concerned about the present moment when he held you in his arms. He just wanted you to feel better, and he wanted to help you feel better, especially when he felt that you moved closer into his embrace and held him back tighter.

When he felt that you were crying less, he moved and held your face so that he could look at you. You were so embarrassed that when you saw him staring at you, you looked down to avoid eye contact. He wiped your tears away with his thumbs and the back of his hand, and as he did that, he thought that you were beautiful as you had pretty features. You looked soft and in need of protection at that moment. He couldn’t help it but kissed your forehead. When you did not reject or react in shock and move away, he stroked your cheeks with his thumb while he was still holding your face like as if you were a piece of precious art, and slowly kissed your lips with soft kisses. He was so gentle and his lips were so soft that it’s as if you felt all the comfort that he could not put into words through the kisses. You were afraid that he might stop and pull away and you did not want him to stop, so you kissed him back with a little more force, and you placed your arms around him, hugging him tighter. He entertained your kisses for awhile but pulled away before it turned into a full blown makeout. He knew that it would be easy for things to escalate as you were looking for a physical distraction but he did not want things to turn out like this between the two of you. Instead, he pulled away and asked, “are you feeling better now?”

When you nodded, he asked if you want to go to somewhere else instead and if you had eaten. He took you to a cafe nearby and ordered the food and drinks for you. You felt like a child who got into trouble in school and he was the parent who was bringing you home after having a word with the school principal. Changkyun had many questions but he knew that it wasn’t the right time to ask, and he was planning to ask after you have eaten something.

He asked if you wanted to take a walk after that, which you obliged. You haven’t said anything much the whole night and you felt that you owed him some explanation for having to handle you when you were in such a mess.

“I think I’ve asked this quite a few times, and I get that you might not want to talk about it, so you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I’m gonna ask what happened?”

You started talking from what happened at the convenient store and how you backed out from the hookup. You told him that what truly bothered you was how you felt like a loser because you had wanted to use this as a distraction from the real issue - which is your hookup with T.

You told him the story about T and how you had been fucking him even though he has a girlfriend, now Fiancee. And how you knew you shouldn’t be bothered but you can’t help but feel upset and hurt all the time when you hear about their news.

“It’s time to move,” he said. “The whole issue is hurting you too much, and nothing is gonna change. He is not gonna stop marrying her and he can’t just have both worlds where he gets to keep fucking you at the same time. That’s just unfair to you.”

“I know, but I don’t know why somehow I just end up going back all the time. It’s just not so easy...”

“Let me help you with that”, Changkyun said as he looked straight into your eyes.

You stared at Changkyun for awhile and went straight for a kiss. You didn’t know what took over you. Maybe it was because of his voice that was so low and smooth, or maybe it was the way his eyes looked, he was especially attractive and in that moment, you wanted him.

He was taken aback but he allowed you to continue. You were aggressively going for his mouth and deepening the kiss, urging him to open up so that you could put your tongue in his. It did not take long for him to give you what you wanted and the both of you were in a heated make out before he pulled away, gasping for air as he whispered, “wanna go somewhere else?”

You nodded and quickly got up as the both of you found your way to a hotel nearby, hands all over each other on the way.

The process of checking in and getting into the room felt like a hassle and when the both of you finally entered the room, you jumped onto Changkyun behind the door and started kissing him. His hands were rough with you, rubbing your back and squeezing your ass.

You were pulling at his shirt which he quickly took it off in between kissing you. You took the chance to take off your shirt too and Changkyun seemed to be even more aroused seeing you in your white bra. He went down to kiss your neck and collar while kneading your breasts. When his lips reached to the top of your breasts, he unbuckled your bra and threw it somewhere in the room, squeezing your entire boob in his hand before he licked his way down to the nipple and sucking on it.

You were moaning and started shifting to grind against him as you needed some friction between your legs. Changkyun continued sucking and kissing your breasts as you fondled with his hair and he put his thighs out for you to grind.

You were disappointed when he suddenly put his leg back, leaving you empty. But he quickly wrapped an arm around your waist so that your hips would be closer to him and started rubbing between your legs. It did not take long for him to dip into your panties and insert a finger into you. “How are you this wet already?” Changkyun almost growled. You gasped at the sudden intrusion and the only sound you could make was a moan. He moved his finger in and out a few times and inserted another finger when he felt that you were ready. You were moaning and breathless, knees weak and almost leaning on him entirely for support.

When Changkyun felt that it was enough, he tapped on your butt to signal for you to jump on him. You wrapped your legs around his waist and sucked at his neck as he walked the both of you to the bed and threw you down without leaving your body.

He was on top of you and you could feel his weight and how close he was. “Changkyun... fuck me now,” you practically moaned out, legs spreading wide to accommodate him. He did not say anything but kissed you deeply, sucking at your neck and squeezing your breasts.

You moved your hips to grind at his hips while tucking at his jeans, trying to unbutton and get him to take them off. He took the hint and removed his jeans revealing his black underwear that made you salivate. When he finally took off his underwear along, you were surprised at his size. He was not big per say but he was thick and you could imagine how good he will stretch you out.

“I forgot about condoms,” Changkyun suddenly stopped pumping his dick. “It’s okay just put it in and pull out later,” you were desperate and did not care, you just needed him inside of you right now.

When Changkyun was lining his dick and coating it with your juices, you were bucking up, hoping to somehow get his dick inserted into your vagina. “Someone’s really impatient huh?” Changkyun said with a smirk, still rubbing his dick up and down your pussy without entering.

“Just fuck me already... please,” you almost begged. Changkyun let out a small chuckle before finally entering you. Even though Changkyun did not enter you into you fully in one thrust, your body could not take it as the stretch was bigger than what you’ve expected. When Changkyun was finally balls deep inside you, it felt extremely full even though he was not as long. He was stretching you out in ways you’ve never knew and when he dragged himself out to re-enter you, your walls were convulsing uncontrollably.

“Oh my... fucking god,” Changkyun moaned as he felt your walls gripping his hard dick. “You are so warm and tight... so wet...” Changkyun was almost choking his words out again.

He started moving in and out of you faster as he could not resist and you were overwhelmed by how thick and full his dick felt. Everytime your body felt his dick moving out, it was met with the force of his dick pushing back in and stretching you out further as his dick becomes harder and thicker inside of you.

“You feel so... good...” Changkyun moved faster and faster, completely lost in the feeling of being inside your pussy. You felt his thrust get sloppier and sloppier and you knew he was coming.

“Come inside, cum inside of me,” you said before Changkyun could asked.

“Are you sure? You -”

“Just cum inside, please,” you needed that last bit to complete. The risk was huge but you just didn’t want his cum anywhere else.

Changkyun managed to pull out and came right outside of your hole instead.

“Can’t let you take the risk, can we?” Changkyun said lowly as he kissed your lips.

#changkyun #monsta x smut #monsta x fanfic #monsta x #monsta x i.m

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popatochisssp · 6 years ago

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Hello! I know this is very specific, but how would the skeletons react to a scientist s/o? Someone who is just as capable as the smartest of them, but who is only serious when it's 100% necessary. Unless they're working, their s/o is a goofy, cheerful child in a tiny adult's body. To the point that most people forget they're a very capable person, with their fair share of past issues. How would this relationship go? Love your work, by the way ♡ you're amazing ♡

Aw, thank you, you’re sweet, I’ll take a crack at it! ;D

Sans (Undertale): Hey, nice! He’s got a pretty similar philosophy– you’ve gotta be a Level 50 best pal (or s/o) to unlock his Science Nerd backstory because he just likes being a comedian and a prankster so much better that he hardly ever bothers with that stuff anymore, no matter how good at it he is. He likes having somebody around who can probably relate to that, plus somebody he can casually talk about advanced stuff with and they can keep up and not make a big deal out of it later.

Papyrus (Undertale): Well, that’s pretty neat! He takes it perfectly in stride, it takes a lot more quirkiness than that to throw the Great Papyrus! He’s more of a social sciences kinda guy himself, but he can probably hold his own with at least a solid 80-90% of what his s/o is talking about when they’re in Serious Mode. He generally doesn’t pay it much mind, though: his datemate is his datemate and he’d think they were very cool and impressive whether they were a genius or not!

Sky (Underswap Sans): S…same hat? Same hat… Same hat! Sky is a pretty similar combination of cheerful and intelligent– he definitely majored in chemistry back in his school days and had a lot of fun with it!– but that was then, and now he’s onto lots of other things instead. He likes to keep moving forward and, to use an ironic word choice, experiment with lots of different hobbies and interests, and knowing his s/o has a similar capacity to himself would be really exciting news. Think of all the things they can try out together without his s/o getting confused or upset by something that might be a bit beyond the average person’s understanding: so many more possibilities!

Paps (Underswap Papyrus): Doesn’t bat an eye, and not just because he doesn’t have any. He’s a pretty laidback kinda guy to begin with and he’s usually good at rolling with the punches. He may be a little surprised by how different his s/o can be from moment to moment, but if that’s just how they are, he’ll get used to it. He’ll….try not to brag too much that he’s got a pretty cool datemate but can’t always resist an elbow to the nearest bystander to point out how adorable they are.

Jasper (Underfell Sans): Well, damn. Didn’t see that coming… He’s…maybe a little hurt if it’s deep enough into the relationship and his s/o never even told him about this other side to their life. Did they think he was too dumb to handle it, or something? He was a mechanical engineer Underground, he worked on the CORE, for fuck’s sake, he can handle a little shop talk! …But he’s guarded about his feelings more than anything else so he’d sulk awhile until he got over it rather than start a fight or anything and just…hope they’d trust him a little better going forward. Provided they did tell him, though, he’s very proud of his bubbly little genius of a s/o and won’t try to restrain his bragging at all. Whenever they do something really cool or smart unexpectedly and baffle a bunch of onlookers, Jasper’s the first one to break the silence and say, “that’s my date!” all annoyingly smug about it.

Pyre (Underfell Papyrus): He’s very surprised, definitely guilty of having underestimated them. Not that he didn’t think they were intelligent! He wouldn’t…! Why would he ever want to date someone if he thought they were stupid?! He just…maybe didn’t expect that level of intellect out of such a cute little human… He’s very flustered and embarrassed about it, clearly his mistake to underestimate them, but in retrospect, he decides it makes a lot of sense. Of course his s/o is amazing and capable, that’s probably what attracted him to them in the first place and he just wasn’t consciously aware of it! …Really, though, Pyre’s not a very scientifically minded person– he’s an edgy theater kid to the core, so when they get to talking about really advanced stuff he’s definitely not going to be able to follow and will feel kind of embarrassingly inadequate over it, even when it’s the kind of stuff you can study for years and still struggle to understand. For the sake of his ego, and to keep him from feeling too stupid all the time, his s/o will probably have to be kind and take care not to rub his nonexistent nose in how smart they are– nobody likes feeling like a dummy next to their partner, so just…have some care for his feelings when they’re showing off their impressive brain? There’s different types of intelligence and nobody should have to feel inferior about it!

Mal (Swapfell Sans): Ah, excellent, Mal is delighted by this turn of events! He’s something of a nerd, too, he loves numbers and mathematics of all kinds and having his s/o turn out to be somebody he could discuss it with is the best kind of surprise! He also likes the ‘secret weapon’ factor of their usual persona being so much different than what people would expect out of a genius. It means they’ll be underestimated and can maybe turn out to be a real game-changer in dire situations. As much as he adores his s/o just because, Mal is very practical and tactically focused person and it’s hard for him to stop thinking of life as a very, very, very high-stakes poker game and an ace up his sleeve is always welcome. He still thinks his s/o is adorable, but it’s nice to know he has someone who’ll understand him if he feels like talking about the beauty of numbers, and he feels like he can rely on them a little more instead of only thinking of them as someone he has to protect.

Rus (Swapfell Papyrus): Oh, shit, okay, wasn’t expecting that one??? But okay, cool, little supergenius s/o, this can be Rus’ life, he guesses. Why not? Again, he’s a Papyrus and intellectually more drawn to the arts than the sciences, so it’s definitely not something he’s going to relate to and find common ground with his s/o on, but it’s still pretty neat. He’d mostly trust them to handle their own business anyway, even before he knew how smart and capable they were. He feels like most people probably have their lives more together than he does, as a general rule. But basically, nothing much would change there and Rus doesn’t think of it as a very big deal.

Slate (Horrortale Sans): Wow, a real smartypants, huh? Cuteness and brains, guess he hit the jackpot……is what he’d say, and even what he’d tell himself, but the reality is… he’d probably be pretty jealous of his s/o. ………Jeez, he feels terrible even thinking it, and it’s not that he’s not proud of and happy for his smart and competent partner, because he is! It’s just that…he can still remember the days when he was a really capable genius scientist, back when his skull was whole. He wasn’t ever passionate about it so that just adds another layer of annoyance at himself that he’s jealous of his s/o now, but it’s not the job he misses as much as being quick enough to do the job. His head wound’s slowed him down, a lot, he forgets small details constantly unless he writes them down and it was just a really big adjustment for him having to go from ‘one of the brightest minds of his generation’ to………….well. What he is now. And as unintentional as it is, his s/o’s intelligence is bringing a lot of those feelings back around, opening up old wounds and self-esteem issues that are definitely going to have to be addressed somehow if the relationship is gonna have a chance. Good luck…?

Papy (Horrortale Papyrus): Goodness gracious, that’s impressive! He is very proud of his tiny genius datemate and will have to be stopped from loudly extolling their merits to anyone who will listen if his s/o is the type of person to get embarrassed easily. He may not get all of what his s/o is talking about when they’re in Serious Mode, but he can follow along with enough of it to know how cool and unique their mind is and he’s determined to support them in whatever it is they want to do. He’s glad their intellect hasn’t made them lose their joie de vivre because as far as he’s concerned, there’s nothing more important in this life than enjoying it the way you want to, to the fullest, so if they’re a goof the rest of the time it’s because they want to be! And that’s great!

#anonymous #sans/reader #papyrus/reader #headcanons #undertale #sans #papyrus #underswap #us!sans #us!papyrus #underfell #uf!sans #uf!papyrus #swapfell/fellswap #sf!sans #sf!papyrus #horrortale #ht!sans #ht!papyrus

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domestic-harry · 7 years ago

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have you made an angst rec?? I saw your top 5 angst fic rec but do you have one with all of them?

My Bible of Angst Fics

Undone, Undress : Louis’ new roommate is shy, skittish, and flinches at the slightest sounds. He’s an art major who gets drunk on cherry wine, wears lacy lingerie, and shows up late at night covered in bruises that blossom across his skin like flowers.

Obviously something is wrong. Louis just doesn’t know what it is.

Never Gonna Dance Again : Louis is a spy and Harry is a dancer. The only real thing they know is each other.

Got the Sunshine on my Shoulders : Five years ago, Harry styles left his tiny home town to make it big as a recording artist. he didn’t have much regard for what he left behind - a life, a family, and a husband, who woke up one morning to find him gone.now, Harry has everything he could possibly want: he’s rich, famous, and adored by everyone he meets, including his boyfriend. But when said boyfriend proposes to him, he’s forced to face the uncomfortable facts of his past - and louis, who’s spent the last five years returning every set of divorce papers harry sent him.

Adore You : Against his wishes, Harry spends the holidays at his family’s summer estate, and is reluctantly pulled into a courtship he didn’t ask for. Harry doesn’t want to get married, but Louis does. They don’t fit, but then again they really, really do. Vaguely set in the 1920’s. Headpieces, jazz, fashionable canes, and flapper dresses, and that.

Perfect Storm : What do you do when your best friend asks you and your (now) ex to be the best men at his destination wedding? You can either tell him the truth, tell him you’re not together anymore, and deal with the consequences, or you can pretend you’re still together and roll with it, just pray you don’t spiral. Fake it ‘til you make it. You know, for the sake of the wedding.Harry and Louis choose the latter.

Young & Beautiful : Louis, to his horror, attends an elitist university in which the name Zayn Malik means something, Niall Horan doesn’t stop talking, there are pianos everywhere, and Harry Styles, only son of a drug-addled, clinically insane ex-rocker, has a perfect smile and empty eyes.

Say Hallelujah, Say Goodnight : Louis is an angel who is just a little too bad to be good, Harry is a demon who is just a little too good to be bad, and they’re both a little too in love to be impartial when angels and demons go to war.

Where Your Heart Is : Louis is ready for his brand new adventure. So what if he suffers from a genetic condition that prevents him from being touched? College is going to be awesome. It has to. Karma kind of owes him right now. Forget about his overprotective mother, or Liam– his entirely too chipper step brother– or his mess of a roommate. Forget about the gloves he has to wear at all times. He’s here to expand his knowledge, write and drown himself in books – No matter how distracting ‘Hallway Boy’ may be– The obnoxious, flirty frat wannabe determined to become the bane of Louis’ existence.

Own The Scars : Louis has never felt like he was good enough: for his stepdad, for his life-long best friend, for the life he’s supposed to want. After an accident that nearly costs him his life, Louis’ parents send him to rehab where he’s forced to face his demons. On the long and difficult road to recovery, Louis must confront the truths he’s been avoiding about his future, his relationships, and his sense of self-worth. Because before he can love anyone else, he’s got to learn how to love himself first.

Unbelievers : It’s Louis’ senior year, and he’s dead set on doing it right. However, along with his pair of cleats, a healthy dose of sarcasm and his ridiculous best friend, he’s also got a complicated family, a terrifyingly uncertain future, and a mortal enemy making his life just that much worse. Mortal enemies ��with benefits” was not exactly the plan.Or: The one where Louis and Harry definitely aren’t friends, and football is everything.

Scintillating : The one where they fall in love, Harry wins the X-Factor, and everything goes to hell.

Burn to Ash: Harry is sitting there, so fucking casual, and Louis realizes in a split second he was not ready. When Harry walked out in Detroit and never looked back, he was a boy verging on a man, still only twenty years old, but there’s a man in his place now. Hard and resolute, yes, but still, for the first time in a long time, Louis can kind of see the old Harry in him. The soft, directness of his gaze, the hesitant smile he gives to Lou, the way he wrings his ridiculously large hands in his lap.He’s a little bit the eager sixteen year old puppy dog again, his innocence and sweetness resurrected miraculously, and Louis freezes in place. He was prepared to face the asshole Harry. He was prepared to meet a whole new Harry.Louis is not prepared to meet one of the old incarnations of Harry, and it absolutely tears him up.Or the fic where Harry spirals out of control, the band breaks up, and then he shows back up, five years later.

Soft Hands, Fast Feet, Can’t Lose : American Uni AU. Harry Styles is a frat boy football star from the wealthy Styles Family athletic dynasty. A celebrity among football fans, he knows how to play, he knows how to party, and he knows how to fuck (all of which is well known among his legion of admirers).Louis Tomlinson is a student and an athlete, but his similarities to Harry end there. Intelligent, focused, independent, and completely uninterested in Harry’s charms, Louis is an anomaly in a world ruled by football. A bet about the pair, who might be more similar than they originally thought, brings them together. Shakespeare, ballet, Disney, football, library chats, running, accidental spooning, Daredevil and Domino’s Pizza all blend into one big friendship Frappucino, but who will win in the end?

With a Whimper : Dystopian AU. Louis has been alone for too long to remember how not to be, and Harry has too much to worry about to deal with a scrawny, wild, stranger.

Butterfly Gun : Harry has never been much of a fighter, but—as always—where Louis Tomlinson is concerned, a lot of things stop being true.1940’s AU. Even after six years apart, they can’t forget their shared wartime childhood.

Take My Breath Away: There is a prestigious school in the British Royal Navy classified as Premier Delta - or as it is known by its flyers, 1D. These select pilots are an elite set of Naval lieutenants who are trained in the skill of aggressive aerial combat. They are instruments of war, trained in times of peace. They are dogfighters, relentless and fearless in their mission to protect their beloved country. From their lofty vantage, they are always watching, waiting, and ready to lay it all on the line.Lt. Harry Styles, call sign Sparrow, is a prodigy when it comes to flying. The owner of an unrivaled Naval pedigree, being a pilot was always written in the stars for Harry. With his trusty RIO, Lt. Niall Horan, Harry has made an unprecedented ascension in the ranks of the Naval aerial combat elite, and has been recruited to the esteemed Premier Delta flight school, carrying on his family’s legacy. What he finds there are unexpected friendships, perilous challenges, and something beyond what he ever thought possible. Because as his father had always told him, before the great Captain Styles went tragically missing in combat, you don’t fall in love with the sky, you fall in love with what keeps you on the ground.

Through Eerie Chaos : For as long as anyone can remember, Old Hillsbridge Manor has always been believed to be haunted. Everyone in the village agrees and keeps a respectful, fearful, distance. New in town after a bad breakup and an internship that led to disappointment rather than a permanent job, Harry Styles figures taking pictures of the decrepit building could be a great new creative project. Or at least a much-needed distraction while he searches for a job and crashes at his parents’ new house. No one warned him about the apparitions though; about the music, the laughter, the people who flicker and vanish when you call after them, the echoes of a past that should be long gone… Harry has never believed in spirits but even he can admit that there’s something weird going on. What starts as mere curiosity evolves into a full-blown investigation and soon enough, Harry finds himself making friends with an aristocrat from the 1920s and struggling with finding the best way to tell him that he’s dead.

Love Is A Rebellious Bird : AU in which the boys still make music. Louis is the concertmaster of the London Symphony Orchestra, Harry is the New! and Exciting! interim conductor/ex-cello prodigy who “has made Mozart cool again” according to Esquire Magazine (Louis hates him immediately, which is definitely why he internet stalked him in his dark bedroom late at night that one time), and Niall is the best. Zayn and Liam are around too.

Ever since New York : Before the One Direction hiatus, Louis and Harry had decided to break things off, and they were doing as promised. But they bump into each other in New York and things take a sharp turn. No one knows how many times they’re going to have to push each other away until they face the inevitable truth: they’re each other’s soulmates. akaThe one where Harry writes a song about Louis and he finds out.

Gods & Monsters : The instructions were simple: seduce and destroy Harry Styles. Not once did they discuss the option of Louis actually falling in love. So, naturally, that’s exactly what he did.

Baby Heaven’s In Your Eyes : Or a sixth form!AU where Harry is the fucked up bad boy with too many problems, Louis is the perfect rich boy with too much money and their schools are right across from each other. They meet at a party and that’s the last (and maybe the only) thing they need.

These Bountiful Silences : They live in a world where they can only say four words per day. harry meets some people that don’t want to live that way.

The King of Spades : Undercover Metropolitan Police officer DC Louis Tomlinson has worked his way up the ranks of a prominent London crime family without raising suspicion, but when he finds himself pitted against a rising crime boss with a police background and a favoured employee by the name of Harry Styles, everything starts to unravel. Finding himself in the middle of an escalating war between two bosses whose bad blood runs deep into a violent past, Louis has to be even more careful where he steps in case his big secret catches up to him – and if it does, he knows he won’t survive it.Not to mention he’s falling for someone he can’t have – whose earnestness and honesty is a bright spot in a dark world – he can’t sleep because his nightmares haunt him and he’s in way over his head, but it’s just a game, always just a game, and if Louis plays his cards right he might just make it out alive.

Wanted Most : Louis Tomlinson is a thief, and a damn good one at that. Most have heard of him. Most don’t understand him. And Harry Styles is the FBI agent who can never seem to catch him.

Never Be : The one where Harry Styles moves to Connecticut from England for nine months as a part of a study abroad program, and he just so happens to move in with Louis Tomlinson and family.

Coax The Cold : England, 1897. English Professor Louis Tomlinson’s passion for the occult has been a source of mockery and derision for most of his life. When he hears whispers of a travelling freak show newly established in London claiming the existence of a monstrous sea hybrid, half-man, half-fish, Louis sees it as his ticket to credibility amongst his peers. The summer he spends undercover working on the show, however, gives him much more than that.

Red Brick Heart : Uni AU. Harry had turned up at the halls of residence expecting fun, new friends, and maybe a life experience or two. What he doesn’t expect is a surprise roommate who’s loud and dramatic and obsessed with tea and is maybe, actually, all he’s ever wanted.

The End Should Be A Good One : It doesn’t feel like falling in love, the way it had felt the first time around, easy, simple, almost like floating, wrapped up in a whirlwind of touches and kisses, late nights spent laughing breathlessly into each other’s skin. This feels broken, complicated, like every move carries the weight of their past. Like the floorboards beneath them could collapse at any moment. This doesn’t feel good. Or, the one where Harry loses the love of his life on New Years Eve and finds him again, six months later, ready to open some poorly-stitched wounds.

Hiding Place : Louis never wanted a soulmate, didn’t really care for the whole Bonding thing at all, really. Enter Harry Styles, who’s wanted to be Bonded for as long as he could remember. With one fateful meeting in an X Factor bathroom, Louis gets a dagger on his arm and the realization that just because Harry is his soulmate doesn’t mean it’s mutual. From the X Factor house to Madison Square Garden, from the Fountain Studios stage to stadiums across the world, Louis has to learn to love without losing himself completely, because someday his best friend will Bond to someone and replace Louis as the center of his universe. Meanwhile, Harry begins to think that maybe fate doesn’t actually know what it’s doing after all, because his other half has clearly been right in front of him the whole time. All he has to do now is convince Louis to give them a chance. Or, the canon compliant Harry and Louis love story from the very beginning, where the only difference is that the love between them is literally written on their skin, and there’s only so much they can hide.

Fading : Louis knows about beauty; the combination of qualities that pleases the aesthetic senses. He creates that combination every day in the garments he designs while studying fashion at uni. The cut of the design, the color of the fabric, the intricacy of the stitching; it all comes together to create something beautiful. When the science student with the long legs and dimpled smile agrees to model for him, Louis decides he’s found beauty personified. Harry just thinks Louis needs someone to show him how beautiful he is.

You Are The Blood : A seventh-year Hogwarts AU in which Niall gets all the girls, Liam goes on a journey of self-discovery, Zayn falls in love, Harry wants something more, and Louis tries to figure out once and for all why he, a Muggleborn, was sorted into Slytherin.

Bigger Than Life : “Boybander Harry Styles spotted leaving West Hollywood joined hand in hand with new beau, Xander Ritz”His heart drops in his chest as he scrolls down, ignoring the short irrelevant article and looking desperately for a picture. Sure enough, there’s pap shots of Harry and Xander, walking hand in hand, looking drunk and cheerful and together.And that’s—that’s really not what Louis was expecting at all.

Strawberry Milk Series : Au where Harry paints his nails and drinks strawberry milk and is too nervous for it to be nothing and Louis’ just trying to figure out whats wrong with him

Who Painted The Moon Black: Hunger Games AU where Louis Tomlinson is district six’s victor from the 69th Hunger Games and Harry Styles is district seven’s victor from the 72nd Hunger Games.

Empty Skies : For three years, Harry has been running from his past. Now, he is moving to London and pledges to fulfil his only dream – making it big in the music industry. Not everyone has a place, though, and the competition is tough. As is his past catching up on him.Louis is part of the biggest boy band of the world, and getting there had meant a lot of hard work, as well as sacrificing parts of his heart and soul. He’s still happy. Maybe not as happy as he could be, but who is he to complain?

Time Bomb : Or the one where Louis has everything: a lead role in a giant Hollywood franchise, a glittering new house with an entertaining Irish neighbor, and a steady, normal boyfriend who he probably loves. Louis never expected to become a household name among young Hollywood overnight. He also never expected to find something endearing about the enigmatic rockstar who keeps showing up on his back porch.

Shake Me Down : Harry’s new to college, fresh out of Catholic school and conversion therapy camp, and Louis runs the campus LGBTQIA organization.

Louis Lucas : Pornstar!AU. Louis is a pornstar with more issues than he can drink away. Harry is a bisexual singer/songwriter who is desperate to be signed to a major label. Zayn and Liam are Louis’s long-suffering best friends (who also happen to be pornstars, and also happen to be dating each other). Niall just wants to play his guitar.

Turning From Praise : Louis has had a strict Christian upbringing that he never realized he resented until he meets Harry Styles, a boy who lives to rebel and doesn’t give a damn what anyone else thinks. But the better he gets to know Harry, the more he begins to realize that maybe Harry does care. And maybe “the children who God forgot” are closer to God than the devout will ever be.

Into the Blue : AU. In which Louis is Harry’s scuba instructor and quite happy to provide the requested special treatment, pun fully intended. It can’t be all that difficult to convince Harry that they’re on the same page, right? Also, Niall and Liam may or may not be dating, and Zayn is surrounded by emotionally stunted idiots. He bears it with dignity.

Give Me Truths : Louis is a psychology student with a tattoo count as high as his genius IQ. Harry is in a (sort-of) relationship with a homophobic man and hates himself a little more every day. Things fall apart and Louis puts him back together.Or, the one in which Louis falls in love with a fragile boy and tells him every beautiful truth in the world, as long as it makes him happy

Hush. : Au where small towns suck, Louis is losing it, and Harry’s just too perfect.

Wear It Like A Crown : AU. As part of a team of fixers hired to handle a gay scandal in Buckingham Palace, Louis expects Prince Harry to be a lot of things—most notably a royally spoilt brat. Never mind that the very same Prince Harry used to star in quite a number of Louis’ teenage fantasies.

You’ve got to see yourself from far and wide : Harry and Louis meet at a very early age under all the wrong circumstances, which leads them to absolutely loathe each other for years on end. Eventually they both make it as professional football players in (very) rival teams, but are suddenly bought by the same club and depend on one another to either make it or break it at the height of their careers.With a side of sports journalist (and bridge friend) Niall, teammate Liam and wannabe football rep Zayn. They say that there’s a fine line between love and hate. That line might as well be shaped as a football trophy.

Nameless Night : For their 18th birthday, every person receives a letter that reads a simple date. That is the date you’ll meet your soulmate. Harry and Louis have different beliefs, live in different worlds and have different dreams, hopes and fears. Yet, they’re not so different from each other when it comes to love. When their paths cross, there is no doubt they belong together. Except for that one, essential difference: they didn’t receive the same date.

Chasing Empty Spaces : The year is 1934 and Harry Styles was to inherent the largest tobacco firm in the south. His parents have picked out the “perfect” girl for him to marry and he has the privilege of receiving the highest education possible. The problem was, Harry hadn’t realized he didn’t actually want any part of that future until he met a mechanic named, Louis Tomlinson.

Back To You And Tennessee : Louis Tomlinson rises to rock and roll fame at age twenty three and is thrown into a life of luxury and excess, but being on stage isn’t easy for a boy who has always stuck to the side-lines, and Louis struggles to deal with his new fame as he joins the Grand Ole Opry and is sent out on tour with names like Liam Payne and Elvis Presley. His life takes a turn, however, when his childhood role model, Harry Styles, joins them on tour, and the two become closer than two men in the spotlight are allowed to be.

OR, the one where Louis is Johnny Cash and Harry is June Carter

Tainted Saints and Velvet Vices : A self-fulfilling Hogwarts AU in which Louis is new to seventh year and Harry is the resident devil-may-care Slytherin set to make his entire experience a living misery. Due to less than favourable circumstances they’re forced to forge an unwilling, tentative relationship for their own survival. Repressed emotions, decidedly unromantic ballroom dancing, Triwizard Tournament tasks, creative jinxes and twilight flying above the Forbidden Forest ensue.

Stars Are Guiding Me Back : Directing the first ever season of The Bachelor with a bisexual star is a huge career move for Louis. After throwing himself into his career, he finally has the opportunity to prove himself as a director with a unique vision.For Harry, being cast as the first ever Bi Bachelor means finally putting his ex-boyfriend behind him and starting anew. He’s taking a chance on finding love and determined to do it right this time.They didn’t exactly think this through.

OR the BACHELOR AU where Louis directs his ex-boyfriend Harry in his season as America’s first bi bachelor.

Cocaine for Breakfast: Louis Tomlinson is a drug addict, sent away from his beloved party-scene to recover. There, he discovers that small towns have just as much access to drugs as London did, plus something even better that he just can't get enough of. That something is a boy with green eyes and bouncy curls named Harry Styles.

#uuum i think these are all of them #and yes i rec my own fic because i legit love it #hoity hoy #fic rec #asks

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peachecreations · 6 years ago

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Depression - Peaché Sanders

Depression was created in a time when I had low self-esteem, doubted myself, thought I wasnt smart enough, wasnt good enough, and was concerned with my body image. People would always make comments about how small I was and how I should eat more, or how I wasn't considered attractive because I wasn't quote on quote "thick." This caused me to feel ashamed to be in my own body. However, I have grown to learn that those same people who made comments on my body image are struggling to be comfortable with their own. I have grown to feel more comfortable with being in my own skin because I know that I am perfect the way I am, I am an intelligent black women, I am a queen, I am good enough, and I AM THAT BITCH!!! I want people who face similar struggles to know that you don't have to please anyone but yourself because at the end of the day, if you don't learn to love yourself, then how do you expect someone else to. You are your own hero.

Now available in prints on Etsy

#acrylicpainting #youngblackartists #supportblackart #blackartistspace #artlife #femaleartist #art #acrylicart #artists on tumblr #artwork #dopeart #painting

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lachonk · 7 years ago

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I’d like to take you all back for a second

I saw the post floating around again so I thought I’d rant a bit.

——

I believe it was early on this year when an anti-SJW account called sjwdestroyer went MIA. Many people were concerned and worried, and they were right to be; when she came back she admitted she had attempted suicide and was in the hospital.

That on its own was pretty horrific news. She said she was trying her best with her mom and friends to feel better, so there was a good side. But she posted several screenshots of her conversation with her boyfriend, James.

It was clear from these shots that James and her were not compatible people. He preferred to keep his distance and she needed attention, affection, and a shoulder to lean on/someone to lend an ear. Her behaviour in the screenshots was without a doubt toxic. She blamed him for wanting to die, tried to get him to say he didn’t ever love her, and things of that ilk. But the problem arose when people started to, well, gang up on her.

They called her out for her poor treatment of James, and she tried to explain why she did what she did, and in the end all I could think is “everyone here is the bad guy”. A bunch of random blogs on tumblr jumping on a suicidal girl’s back.

I should probably explain that I am in no way excusing her actions. Posting those screenshots online to garner sympathy was a real dumb move but that does not give people the clearance to treat her the way they did.

For your information, if you’ve never been suicidal, people in that state are not in their right mind. This means they aren’t hearing what you’re telling them. All these people scolding sjwbullcrap for her shitty behaviour would’ve, under rational circumstances, made sense. But when someone already is struggling with deep-seeded hatred and obviously really needs affection and comforting, it is not your place to tell them what they’ve done wrong.

Think of it this way; when you’re little and your sibling misbehaves, and you scold them your parent pulls you aside and says ‘look you’re right that what they’ve done is wrong but it’s my job to tell them that’. This is because you aren’t an authority and your sibling doesn’t listen to you when you say things, and for the parent to then take your side would just make them feel unloved.

The same applies to this scenario. A girl who cannot listen to the things people are saying only hears the bad stuff. You aren’t an authority. You don’t even know her in real life. Leave her alone. She has family and friends helping her and making sure her toxic behaviours are stopped, so anything you say to her is completely pointless and only serves to hurt her self esteem, even if you’re in the right.

Pointing this out to someone got me called an ‘abuse enabler’.

Now this is the biggest problem I have with the anti SJW community. We all complain about the need for moral absolution and how ‘being PC is more important than facts’ but then we go and pursue the same goal. The person who called be an abuse enabler was exactly that; someone who cared more about being on the moral high ground than the life and emotions of their friend. They hid behind their own history of mental illness and continued the barrage and lashed out at anyone who disagreed.

Anti SJWs often turn into anti-everything’s. They are contrarians who enjoy picking a fight and debating over actually coming to a logical conclusion which, at least for me, was the original point of finding flaws in SJW logic.

We’re turning on our own friends and allies more and more for the same reasons we see the far left turning on itself. Being the ultimate ‘right’, being the most intelligent, being more correct than anyone else. Please, if you see yourself going down a similar path just reflect and try to remember what it is you’re truly fighting for, and who you want to be remembered as.

I just thought this situation was a good representation of a bigger problem, sorry for the long post.

#anti sjw #anti feminist

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musclesandhammering · 4 years ago

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This is my absolute favourite discussion to have. Their relationship is just so frustrating on so many levels.

In Mycroft’s complete defence, he has done more for his family (mainly his brother) than anyone could ever ask him to. He’s always there when Sherlock needs him, he lets him get away with every single stunt he pulls (see: Baskerville), he supports him in just about every way he possibly can (helping him get clean, helping him fake his death, kidnapping his new flat mate to size him up, calling John and practically forcing him to watch his back all the time, etc etc etc). He does literally everything a sibling could possibly want him to (in a practical sense) and in return, Sherlock acts entitled, acts like a complete fucking brat and insults him, berates him, completely ignores how Mycroft might be feeling, and as far as we can tell... never goes out of his way to do anything for Mycroft. It’s ridiculously unfair to Mycroft, when he so obviously just wants what’s best for Sherlock, and thinks that giving him everything he needs and steering him away from emotion is the best way to achieve it.

Now on the other hand...

Sherlock has some very obvious self esteem issues, no matter how hard he tries to make it seem otherwise. More specifically, he knows he has a drug problem, and he knows that everyone around him knows as well. Not just John and Mary etc, but on a more personal level... Mycroft, and their parents, and probably some other family members (if they have any) and such. And he knows that it doesn’t look good (at least in his mind) to have one brother be a successful figure in charge of the entire government while the other one is a drug addict running around London chasing petty criminals for kicks. It’s a touchy subject for Sherlock, knowing that his brother is better than him. And knowing that everyone else knows his brother is better than him. And Mycroft does the absolute worst thing you can possibly do in that situation... he constantly acts like he is better than Sherlock. Whether it’s just an act or not. Sure, he helps him when he needs it... but never without a heaping side order of arrogance and judgement. He reinforces his position in Sherlock’s mind as the pompous, controlling asshole that just wants to judge him for all his flaws. And that makes Sherlock pull even further away.

And in a way I think a lot of the tension is caused by jealousy on both sides. Sherlock is jealous of Mycroft’s independence and Mycroft is jealous of the attention sherlock gets. Myc basically gave up his childhood to practically raise his two crazy younger siblings, and their parents didn’t seem too concerned with his emotional wellbeing from the beginning, so it’s easy to see why he’d be a bit ticked, even if only subconsciously. And Sherlock is Mummy’s favourite, has friends where Mycroft doesn’t, and has an older brother to get him out of all his messes... but Mycroft is still above him in just about every sense of the word (financially, social status wise, intelligence, the amount of power and pull he has, never having to struggle with addiction issues, having an easier time dealing with “sentiment”, etc) and it’s understandable how he’d be bitter about it.

Again, it’s so frustrating because up until the final episode, I don’t think Sherlock actually understands that Mycroft does not, in fact, see him as inferior, and Mycroft doesn’t understand that Sherlock does, in fact, appreciate all his help. They’re brilliant idiots.

Discussion with a friend the other day (who is not a Mycroft fan) got me re-thinking about this.

Pre-Tfp at least, I am inclined to feel that the almost tragic element of their relationship is that they so completely and utterly misunderstand each other. In early series' Sherlock begrudgingly (and wrongly!) sees Mycroft as someone to aspire to. Someone who he views as hugely intelligent and able to keep emotional entanglement out of decision making. Sherlock is an emotional human being and could never be "the iceman". I believe there was - in early series' at least - resentment there towards Mycroft for being a constant reminder that he's "second best". He views Mycroft's constant surveillance of him as controlling and intrusive (as indeed it is) but I don't think he understands in a million years that his brother (in his own warped way!) does what he does to keep him safe; because (though he'd never want to admit it to him in a million years) he actually cares and worries about him. Mycroft - emotionally stunted as he is - would never be emotionally honest enough with Sherlock to tell him his concerns for him and why he does what he does. Look at Sherlock's reaction the one time he does! ("Your loss would break my heart.") Both are afraid to show they care - out of the ultimate fear; finding the other doesn't care at all. Neither knows or understands how the other views him.

In the 'Final Problem' Sherlock learns for the first time that the combination of academic intelligence AND emotional understanding gives him the edge that Mycroft (distrustful and fearful of emotion) could never have. I feel they understand each other better at the end of this episode then they ever have previously. With Sherlock seeing his strengths and Mycroft seeing his flaws.

#this got out of hand #sorry?#Sherlock meta #Holmes brothers #Mycroft #mycrosoft #Sherlock #shezza #bbc Sherlock

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womenandfilm5 · 5 years ago

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I chose to watch “Eighth Grade” by Bo Burnham, and honestly, I found it to be incredibly heartbreaking. The overarching theme was navigating the awkwardness and challenges of adolescence, the prevalent desire to find a place to fit in. The themes of anxiety and depression are also explored, as the protagonist Kayla struggles with extreme social anxiety, and describes how she constantly feels, by saying “I feel like I always have that nervous feeling when you’re waiting in line for a roller coaster, but I always just have that nervous feeling, and I never have that good feeling after the ride, that relief”. There is also a clear critique of the religious manner adolescents both regard and constantly use social media. Within this film there is also a clear disdain for the often ineffective method of sex education in schools, and the way that children often have to navigate these confusing arenas themselves, often because they feel pressured or coerced to do things they are not ready for. . The film’s basic content was following the protagonist Kayla and her experiences in the last week of eighth grade, before she enters the high school. There is never any mention of other family members, besides her father, who appears to be attempting to raise her as a single father. He continues to try to bond with her, despite how she rebukes and shuts him out for so long, until towards the end of the movie. She is shown to have no friends, and struggles to take her own advice that she talks about in YouTube videos she makes. Kayla is often waxing about ways to gain confidence and improve your social life, but she genuinely struggles to follow her own words, and is unable to connect to people. She tries to fit in with a crowd of shallow, cruel girls, who treat her as less than a person, and the boy she is interested in does the same. He never shows an interest in her, until she starts to use sexualization as a currency, and mentions that she has nudes on her phone, to reel him in. After a trip to the high school for a class visit, she starts hanging out with a group of high schoolers, and attracts the attention of a pervy twelfth grader. He attempts to make Kayla take her shirt off after he isolates her from everyone else, and while she refuses and is able to leave the situation, she is clearly scared and confused. . The film’s form is a narrative structure encompassing about a weeks span, and this story line following Kayla is split up with inserted clips from her YouTube channel. These inserted clips from her channels align so that the viewer is either seeing the contrast between what Kayla advises people to do versus what she actually does, or so that we see a contrast between a younger, more naive Kayla, and the current-day overwhelmed, more cynical Kayla. There was a very interesting use of aesthetics and visual style, in the way there was a lot of the story told through the palpable discomfort in body language and facial expressions of Kayla, and the way she interacts with her physical environment. There are a lot of closeup shots of her face, and the way she contorts her mouth and unconsciously expresses her emotions. Her eyes also express a lot of what she is feeling, and when she is nervous the camera will also zoom in on her hands fluttering nervously, or other such movements to demonstrate this effect. This method is particularly influential and makes the viewer really feel the energy exuded by the characters on the screen, and you feel immersed in the emotions that Kayla feels. The dialogue between the characters is often peppered with conversational pauses, such as “like”, and “um”. These words are not meant to demonstrate a lack of intelligence in the characters, particularly in the protagonist, but are used to verbalize the uncertainty with which Kayla navigates her social interactions, and is constantly in fear of saying the wrong thing. Multiple times throughout the film we see Kayla practice what she is going to say before calling someone, or speaking to them in person. This culminates such that it is clear how tentative Kayla is to assert her presence, and it really makes you want to fight for her.

I chose to watch this film, because I love Bo Burnham as a comedian, and I have been listening to his music and Netflix comedy sketches for years, and I assumed that this film would be light-hearted as well. I was shocked by how heavy this film weighed on me, and how hard it hit me emotionally. One of my little sisters is currently in eighth grade, and she experiences extreme social anxiety, and it broke my heart a bit to really see this narrative through Kayla’s eyes, and then continuously relate it back to my sister’s experiences. I was shocked by the impacting nature of this film, and I learned that Bo Burnham suffers from crippling panic attacks, and chose to share his experiences through an eighth grader, because “anxiety makes me feel like a terrified thirteen-year old”. The film is thusly named, as it represents the anxiety and uncertainty of an eighth grader which Burnham experiences in his daily life. I found this to be profoundly self-aware, and a wonderful way to demonstrate such a powerful story of adolescent struggles and social navigation. This film was also made only two years ago, and explores Millennials’ relationship with their generationally different parents, such as Kayla’s father, a member of Generation X. There are clear depictions of the toxic nature of social media in this film, and it is made clear the concerns that older generations have, to their children being so attached to their phones. This film really makes the socio-political climate it was filmed in known, and touches on prominent themes of the current time period, such as technological concerns of the era, and the way it allows young children access to things far before they are ready.

A particularly poignant scene that really drew forth an emotional response in me was when Kayla approached Kennedy in school, after attending Kennedy’s party, where her mother forced her to invite Kayla. It took so much out of Kayla to even interact with the guests at the party, and for most of the time she was hiding in another room, while everyone else was gathered in the living room having fun. She rehearses what to say to Kennedy, and attempts to mirror both her language and image. We see Kayla wearing a Hollister shirt to try to blend into the “in-group”, she uses linguistic pauses to save herself time to think, such as “like”, and hunches over with her arms in front of her body, as a subconscious shield. Her body language is clearly very nervous, and the camera once again utilizes the technique of focusing in on her nervous, fluttering hands, arms protectively hiding her body, and her facial expressions of uncertainty. She is trying so hard in this scene, and is desperate to say, do, and be the version of herself that Kennedy will perceive as cool, but Kennedy only glances at her once or twice in this scene, implies disgust in her face and body language, and never once makes eye contact, or shows respect in her responses. Everything she responses is terse, and a one-word response, never anything to stimulate or keep the conversation going. This led me to draw connections to “Lemonade” by Beyonce, which is perhaps a strange comparison, but I kept thinking of the vast differences in confidence between Beyonce and Kayla. Beyonce is obviously a grown woman, but despite the adversity and discrimination she has undoubtedly faced in her life, almost all of the 13 chapters in her video display her oozing confidence. This is notable in the way she walks, makes eye contact, keeps her head high, shoulders back, hair kept in a manner that frames her face and doesn’t hide it, etc. She is a powerful, beautiful woman, who has come into her own, and she is aware of this fact. While this is obviously a drastically different situation, Kayla, an awkward, adolescent eighth grader demonstrates all of the exact opposite physical attributes as Beyonce does: she wears clothes to hide her body, tries to collapse into herself, and tries to never draw anyone’s attention to her.

When watching this film, I began to ask myself questions that many parents are also having to face in this day and age. How can you simultaneously restrict your child from the negative consequences of the internet, while still allowing them freedom? The philosopher Locke believed the parenting approach to children seeking knowledge should always reflect pure honesty, and I feel this applies to the issue of technology. Banning a child from a website, restricting their access to the internet, or taking their phone has proved time and time again to be ineffective. For those with a goal, there will always be a way to access the internet, and no matter how scrupulous the parent, there will be a way to circumnavigate their restrictions. As a person who grew up with technology, but also witnessed a huge technological boom while in my teens, I believe our generation has a unique perspective, as we are immersed in this culture of social media, but perhaps somewhat more aware of it’s toxicity and it’s prevalence than the generations that have come after us. I feel that an open-door policy with a child is always best, and allowing them to come to you with any questions and not face consequences is key. Being honest about how social media can impact your self-esteem, how so much of the images on these sites are faked, how there are predators online, how inappropriate ads sometimes pop up, etc is the best way to inform a child. Is this a possible method with every generation that begins, especially as it can be challenging to keep up with all the new forms of social media? How can anyone be sure of what their child is doing on the internet, without invading their privacy? Should children be restricted of information until an appropriate age (within reason of course)? – HB

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sableaire · 7 years ago

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Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I really look up to you for considering everyone's opinion and being calm and level-headed. I feel like I don't see a lot of toxic, passive-aggressive Tumblr stuff here. It's a breath of fresh air imo. I was just wondering how you do it? Like, what do you tell yourself, when you feel angry about someone else's opinion, but want to remind yourself that they're entitled to it? It would really help me! Thank you.

Hello - thank you for your kind words, Anon. I try hard to try and make my blog a comfortable place for the most amount of people, and though I sometimes feel like I slip up, I’m glad that you find my blog something refreshing.

I can’t really say how it is that I avoid the toxic, Tumblr passive-aggression. Part of it may just be that I avoid it myself, so it never ends up on my dash. However, thinking on it now, I guess a lot of that is a deliberate choice as well.

Something that gives me a lot of perspective on things like this is that I’ve changed a lot as a person in just the last six years. The transition from high school to college to now near-graduation was a significant one, and I underwent a lot of personal growth.

As such, I know what it’s like to make mistakes as a teenager (or younger). I know who I was, how I thought, and I know what would have worked on me and what would not have.

This post has gotten super-long, possibly my longest yet(?) so I’ll put it under the cut as usual. If you want to just skim the example given and go straight to tips, skip down to the bolded portion, ahaha. More under the cut:

Just a warning, but this example contains mentions of homophobia and, additionally, some highly negative or dangerously neutral opinions that I personally held in the past. I no longer retain such beliefs. I ask that you look upon this example as a story of growth, as I do.

For example, as a young teen, I had a very firm belief (not taught, just a personal belief that came out of nowhere;;) that anything sexual was bad, and I was more morally pure for having no interest in it. Additionally, I was raised in a highly homophobic environment, and because I had no concept of romantic/sexual attraction in the first place, I had no reason to really think about the idea of why loving the same gender would be bad. I just accepted it as a fact of life, just as I accepted it as a fact of life that eventually I would fall in love and marry a man, etc.

It was to the point where I kind of just… didn’t realize gay people existed. Hell, I didn’t even know there was gay media. I was just straight-up oblivious. But that fun fact aside, my complete disconnect from the existence of gay people meant that, if the topic came up, I probably would have made some highly ignorant comments.

((Side note, I barely realized heterosexual people existed - I didn’t realize that people were having sex in my high school until I was a senior!))

At the same time, I was a highly prideful individual. I know for a fact that if someone, especially some stranger I don’t know, confronted me in anger, calling me homophobic and a terrible person for some of the things I blithely said, young-teen-me would have drawn myself up to save face. I would have gotten offended, angry, and discredited whoever it was. After all, why would I believe some internet stranger over my environment - over myself and my experiences?

If someone had attacked me for my ignorance and these beliefs born of complete ignorance, I know for a fact that I would have ended up more firmly aligning myself with those beliefs. I would have felt the need to stand my ground, partially to protect my self-esteem, partially because as someone who looked down on emotion (I could write a book on my past self;;), I would not have wanted to be associated with a group of people that were so angry.

So, now that I am older and have moved beyond that, now that I know better, I approach these kind of issues in a way that I know my past self would have been more receptive to. I don’t get angry, and I don’t try to enforce my own ideas on other people. Instead, I offer more information. I trust the other party to be a strong thinker in their own right, and then I offer them a choice that might not have been available to them before.

As a young teen, I had no option to accept gay people, when I had no concept of their existence and the vague ‘fact’ that it was a ‘dirty’ or ‘sinful’ thing to be gay. I had no option to accept the idea that people should be able to love who they love when my belief on romantic love was that you just choose the best option available to you once you’re ready to marry (aroace, woo, fun times).

But I was a headstrong teenager, overconfident and smart enough to sound impressive, so if anyone attacked my character or intelligence over my homophobia, I would have felt the need to assert my autonomy over myself. Telling me what to think? Telling me how to behave? That would have been unconscionable. My indignation and anger would have kept me from ever trying to learn more about the topic.

If, instead, someone gave me an option - just made the topic of being gay something more normalized in my life, gave me more historic sources (either of cultures where same-sex relationships were accepted or records of the horrors the LGBTQ community suffered), and just gave me more information to reform my beliefs on my own, I would have been more likely to change my views.

Looking back now, that’s exactly what happened. The way it happened, however, is also something a lot of people might not have agreed with. What brought the concept of ‘gay people’ into my sphere of awareness was in fact a friend’s interest in BL content. My desire to support and share in her interests, along with a natural curiosity and interest in storytelling, led me to read a number of BL manga. I never got into the BL community because I didn’t experience it the same way they did - as a sex-repulsed asexual, I wasn’t reading it for sexual gratification, so I couldn’t relate to their titillation. Even so, because I never do things by halves, as a teenager, I continue reading BL as a hobby.

Some, of course, was blatant fetishization, and I am now embarrassed that I have ever read those. Actually, I’m embarrassed about this period in my life in general, for various reasons, but I’m sharing the story! Just for you, Anon!

In any case, some was blatant fetishization, but I did also encounter some actually well-written stories with emotional stake. Now, I’m not saying this is in any way ideal, but it was these stories that exposed me to the idea of social rejection, fear of being disowned, etc. due to homophobia.

These particular themes struck a chord with me, because even though I had just accepted the idea that I was going to marry someone and have children, etc. I also had a vague awareness that I didn’t want to. In Korean society, and with my grandmother, I did have an ingrained fear that I may be somehow rejected by my family should I ever not want to go to any of my grandmother’s blind dates for me and such.

Sometimes in high school, when I answered that I didn’t have an interest in dating, family members would accuse me of being a lesbian in a tone of near disgust. Prior to reading the BL stories, I likely would have been offended by the accusation. After reading the BL stories and reading about situations where people got cut off for being gay, I was more hurt by the idea that if I was actually gay myself, I likely would have been rejected. It better helped me to better understand and empathize with some struggles that LGBTQ persons may go through in their lives.

This empathy led me to be more open to reading about the LGBTQ community, and it helped me to better control my surprise when I found out some of my friends were bisexual or had kissed girls, and it was a gateway to more information, with which I have shaped my current beliefs and moral code.

This is another reason that I don’t really engage in Tumblr’s moral crusades. I’m of the firm belief that people grow given the chance, and that growth is shaped by three things: information, support, and choice. In this example, my ‘information’ came from places that the more morally aggressive side of Tumblr would consider irredeemable: BL media.

I’ve written a post or two on the topic in the past, so my followers already know that I disapprove of the fetishization often inherent in this kind of media. However, I simultaneously cannot bring myself to bring myself to just tell people, “Hey, you shouldn’t read BL,” because it would not have worked on me, personally, and also because my experience reading BL actually contributed to the who I am in present day.

Let’s create an Alternate Universe - remove this source of ‘information’ from my formative years. I had no opportunity to empathize with an example of emotional rejection. Due to living in South Korea with a limited social circle, attending a Christian school, I have limited opportunity to meet actual gay people. Instead, as I grow up, my increasingly evident disinterest in guys leads to more disgusted/concerned accusations from family members that I’m a lesbian, which I react to poorly because I am both repulsed by the idea of a romantic relationship and also because I have been told all my life that being gay is something undesirable.

I eventually make a homophobic comment, because I start to associate the concept ‘lesbian’ with my personal revulsion. In response, someone calls me a terrible person, irredeemable, etc. and challenges my moral character, something AU me has a high opinion of. Insulted, I feel the need to defend my position because, psychologically, it is easier to decide that other people are wrong than admit that I am wrong.

The new ‘information’ available to me is that people who support gay people are ‘overly-emotional’ and will attack a person’s character without knowing who they are. Perhaps I receive a death threat or they tell me that people like me are better off dead. Then the new ‘information’ available to me is that people who support gay people are potentially dangerous.

As an upset teenager, in this AU, I speak to my family about this. Due to some ingrained homophobic beliefs themselves, they validate my experience. Some of them might tell me that people who support gay people are “just as bad as gays themselves.” My mother, especially, is furious about the death threat. She tells me that I’m smarter than they’ll ever be, how dare some stranger say that. Is it possible to report them to the police? I tell her, no, that’s not possible, mom, it’s the internet and also they’re probably in a different country.

This is AU me’s ‘support’. It reinforces the ‘information’ that I received, and it makes it more difficult for me to accept conflicting information in the future. Online, I may encounter other individuals who have received hate and or death threats for their homophobic beliefs, and I connect with them. We commiserate. This is more ‘support’ which makes it even harder for me to change my mind in the future.

And throughout this whole series of events, AU-me feels that she is in control of her own actions. She didn’t ‘give into’ the people trying to force her to change. She is proud of who she is, and she feels confident in her autonomy of herself. Due to basic psychology, she feels that her choice is the right one, and she instinctively seeks out biased evidence that confirms her beliefs.

Flash forward to AU age 22, I would be a completely different person to who I am today. I would not have the friends that I do. I would not be on Tumblr writing this post. My moral code and personal beliefs could be completely different.

So then, here’s a philosophical question: Does the very real possibility that I could have become an elitist, sexist homophobe make me a bad person?

There are some people who believe that people who are morally good will always end up where they are. I am not one of those people. I consider myself blessed that I met the people I did and had the experiences that I did. I am grateful that certain hardships in my life gave me time and reason to sit down and think about the kind of person that I want to be.

Due to the information that I was lucky enough to encounter and the support I was able to find, I was able to make the decision to commit to being an open-minded person.

Of course, I recognize that my experience is unique to myself. It is very possible that someone else, in my aforementioned example, would have ended up homophobic in a different way - fetishizing gay people, applying BL fantasies to real life people, etc. - but in my case, that wasn’t so. And that’s the issue. You can’t accurately predict people’s trajectory of growth upon exposure to controversial topics and or media. However, it’s almost certainly guaranteed that anger and threats will be poorly received, and likely counter-productive.

I believe that people are a product of their experiences. There have been a lot of kind people in my life, such as yourself Anon, who have told me that they respect my approach to situations or my philosophy on life or how I conduct myself, etc.

Ultimately, it is just that I am a product of my own unique set of experiences, and those experiences encompass both circumstances and mistakes. Upon coming to college and spending time away from my family, I really started committing to my self-betterment. I spent a lot of time thinking about my beliefs and the kind of person who I want to be. I took courses in Conflict Negotiation and Social Psychology because they were important to me.

Right now, I am still learning, and I’m still trying. I’m really, really happy that I can be someone others find helpful for their own personal growth.

With that being said:

So, Anon, your question was, “I was just wondering how you do it? Like, what do you tell yourself, when you feel angry about someone else’s opinion, but want to remind yourself that they’re entitled to it?“

It’s not necessarily that I believe someone is entitled to their beliefs. There are some beliefs that I find dangerous, and I do not believe any person should have them. However, before I get angry, I think about my own experience as a person with less-than-stellar beliefs, and I think about what kind of approach would have best worked with me.

In my experience, the elements that contribute to a person’s opinions on something are the following: information, support, and choice.

So, things to keep in mind:

Every person uses the information available to them and the support system attached to that information to make, what they believe to be, an informed choice. People always believe in things and behave in a manner that makes logical sense to them, and that is important to remember.

Choice is the most important element of the three. The psychology of autonomy, especially in highly individualistic societies such as the United States, is incredibly powerful. Even if someone changes their behavior because someone else tells them to, they may later on start to resent both the behavior and the person that forced them. Ultimately, if you want someone to really change, you have to let them come to a different conclusion on their own.

So, how do you change someone’s mind? Give them information and let them know that should they desire to change, they have your support. If someone is ignorant about something, rather than condemning them for it, it is most effective to present information in a neutral manner. Give them the option to learn, and let them choose the option for themselves. And, should they want to learn more about a certain perspective, offer your availability and aid. Allow them to make their own mistakes and learn from their own mistakes. Act as a guide they can choose to follow rather than trying to push them down a certain path. This is the approach Daryl Davis took towards the KKK, to great success.

That being said, I realize that this is a best case scenario. It is incredibly time-consuming, and it is for many people emotionally taxing. This method is not for everyone, and part of the reason I stick to it is because I recognize that I am one of few people who have the patience and the temperament to carry it out, and I believe that it is a necessary method in this world. However, I recognize that it is unfair to expect people with great emotional investment in a topic to just swallow their feelings and bear with it. Sometimes, certain topics are deeply upsetting to individual people. Especially in these cases, I recognize that it is highly difficult for people to take on such a goal-oriented approach.

I am additionally committed to my approach because I know that there are some people who will be receptive to it, but not everyone can make use of it. As such, many people I know in my life ask for me to mediate conflicts or help them figure out how to change someone’s mind. I am an ally to many causes by being this more neutral, more open-minded person. I have received criticism for this before, that there’s no point trying to change bigots’ minds or that there’s no arguing with certain people. However, as someone who acknowledges that she could have become someone completely different (someone who thought poverty was the fault of the poor, that sexual assault is fault of the victim, that being gay was an abnormality, etc.) I know for a fact that people, especially younger people, can change their minds, given the opportunity.

However, like I said, this method is time-consuming and emotionally taxing. And as much as I want to help people, I also have an obligation to myself. So, part of the reason I avoid toxicity and passive-aggression or fan/anti debates is because I’m… I’m on Tumblr for fun. For a good time. Why would I willingly throw myself into more trouble when I can avoid it? The thing is, I already know that I can’t change everyone’s mind, so it doesn’t matter if I don’t go in and engage every single person on Tumblr whose opinions I disagree with. Instead, sometimes I’ll get Anons who ask my opinion on certain topics, and I can make a long post like this one. People interested in the topic will then read and reblog it, and it will eventually reach a wider audience. The thing about my approach is, I can’t please anyone on any one side. I have people who disagree with me on both sides… but, unlike other approaches, I also have people who agree with me on both sides. In any case, I’m on Tumblr for fun, and I don’t have a responsibility to anyone but my own followers.

That is also why I try to keep my Tumblr free of discourse, for the most part. Not everyone can handle emotionally charged controversy, and not everyone can easily ignore it if it just shows up on their dash. Although I try to tag everything so people can opt in and out of content, I also want my blog to be mostly a fun and friendly place for people where they can occasionally learn things. There are enough sources of stress in the world. I hope I’m never one of them. ((On occasion I will reblog a post which involves my political beliefs, but that is because I feel that, in this case, given the current US political climate, I would feel personally uncomfortable if I didn’t make my personal alignment known.))

Also, it’s important to note: If you’re engaging in dialogue and trying to change someone’s mind on a topic without thinking about how to succeed at it, at heart, changing their mind may not be your ultimate goal. Often times, a lot of Tumblr controversy comes, not from a place of wanting positive change, but wanting emotional gratification. Sending angry messages on the internet may feel good in the moment, but it often drags you into a frustrating argument that leads nowhere. It also will not have a long-term positive effect. Having the moral high ground in a situation can feel fantastic, and I’ve been there - but again, it doesn’t actually enact positive change. It just creates a survival-of-the-fittest environment for negativity. You’ll chase away the people who have room to grow, and only the loudest, most stubborn, most arrogant people will remain.

Further, getting angry at people’s opinions on the internet creates an environment where it’s terrifying to make mistakes. On the internet, it’s impossible to tell someone’s age and or circumstances. A lot of people on Tumblr are kids, and they may or may not be lying about their ages to seem older. Think about parenting, and how criticizing small mistakes in behavior can lead to a long-term fear of making mistakes. Life is all about making mistakes and learning from them. Creating a system where one mistake can haunt you for the rest of your life is counter-productive to personal growth, and that’s what a lot of Tumblr controversy seems to be.

Actually, now that I’ve written all that, I just realized something I should have mentioned in the very beginning: I am not someone interested in changing the world. I’m not even interested in enacting social change. That’s far, far, far to broad a scope for me. There are some people built for such positions, and they seek to enter politics or start grassroot fundraisers, etc. I am not such a person.

Instead, I hope to become someone who can be a positive source of change for individuals. I don’t want to change the world or society, but I hope to be someone who can change one person’s worldview. An act of kindness for to a person who has lost hope. Someone who can translate languages and bridge cultures for individual people. Someone who can inspire someone to commit to their own self-development.

To this day, I consider learning that I inspired someone to learn a new subject or pursue a new career path my greatest achievements. Few things delight me more.

I want to be a writer, and if the book that I publish can make a positive impact on just one reader, I will consider that book successful. That story would have been one worth telling.

There are some people who can make a goal to change the world and make it happen. I find that far too grand a dream for me. I lack the motivation for it, the strength of will for it, the vision for it. However, engaging with people one at a time, I can manage. So, there really is no reason for me to engage in Tumblr discourse. If someone comes to me directly, I can work with that. I can talk with someone one-on-one, and who knows, maybe I will come out the person changed. But that’s a personable scale, and it’s a level that I can comprehend.

I cannot change the world itself, but I can change the world for one person.

I don’t know if this was the answer you wanted, Anon, and I’m sorry it’s so long, ahaha. Ultimately, my advice to you is, decide what kind of person you want to be, and work towards it. This isn’t about achievements or careers, etc. - those are external things that label you. Who do you want to be? What kind of impact do you want to have on others? What kind of impression do you want to leave? And all the while, what role in life are you comfortable with on a physical, emotional, and ethical level?

After you figure that out, think about how you can become that person. The thing is, you never will, not completely, but you can improve yourself month by month and get a little closer, and every step closer to being that person is a victory.

Most people in the world never take the time to think about it, so by taking the time to do so, Anon, you’ll already be a step ahead.

..... I feel like after all that, I didn’t actually... answer the question very clearly. I’m sorry;; I hope you got something out of this ridiculous response, Anon;;;;

#Anonymous #sableaire #discourse #mistakes #personal growth #character development #advice #sableask #philosophy #personal philosophy

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karissarosemanalo · 7 years ago

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“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt

One of the biggest mistake of human beings that concern me the most is comparing ourselves with people above our status and crib about the qualities which we lag. We lived in a competitive society, which often means that we end up comparing ourselves to others. It burns the inner emotion named jealousy and hatred begins the quarrel with those people. Comparing yourself to others makes your self-worth dependent on the achievements of others. If they’re doing poorly compared to you, you feel good. If they’re doing better than you are, you feel bad.

To be honest, I’ve lived most of my life comparing myself to others. I have moments (or hours or days) when I believe that I’m not smart enough, not productive enough, not talented enough to make anything work leading to self-doubt, lowering my self-esteem, discontentment and worst of all, Depression. When I was a kid, I can say that I’m little bit of a dreamer, setting my hopes and dreams up high and etc. I want to be smart. . I want to neither look nor feel fat. I want to be friendly. I want to learn to dance without looking stupid. I want to be the I-can-do-anything girl. I want to be a role model to others. I want to feel important to others. I want to reach the fabled level of success that makes you untouchable. But when I grew up and see where others already are, I become discouraged. If someone else is already doing it, why should I even try? I want to be where they are without the time or effort they have put in. And this thought processes steals the joy from where I am at now. It steals the joy from learning from my own process.

According to the Social Comparison Theory by a social psychologist named Leon Festinger , we determine our own social and personal worth based on how we stack up against others. As a result, we are constantly making self and other evaluations across a variety of domains (for example, attractiveness, wealth, intelligence, and success). Most of us have the social skills and impulse control to keep our envy and social comparisons quiet but our true feelings may come out in subtle ways.

I have discovered there is an infinite number of categories upon which we can compare ourselves and an almost infinite number of people to compare ourselves to. Once we begin down that road, we never find an end. The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion. And I’m sure that I’m not the only one here in this world with the habit of comparing others. But it is a decision that only steals joy from our lives. And it is a dangerous habit with numerous shortcomings like comparing the worst we know of ourselves to the best we presume about others, losing pride, dignity, drive, passion and gaining nothing leading to resentment towards others and towards ourselves.

Indeed, the negative effects of comparisons are wide and far-reaching. Likely, we have experienced (or are experiencing) many of them first-hand in our life as well.

In truth, those comparisons are a big part of the reason why so many of us struggle with insecurity. What messes with our confidence the most is the picture in our head of how we are supposed to be. But we forget, we are not anyone else, we are who we are, and if we want to succeed, we will have to succeed as ourselves. I’m reminded no one has the same worldview, experiences, personality, skill set and strengths as I do. This is why the world needs our own voice, needs our own dreams, needs our own skill set.. There is no one who is exactly like you and can offer the world what you have to offer.

#thingsthatconcernmeblog #Comparison is the thief of joy #insecurities #Teenager #Concerns

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whatisonthemoonarchive · 7 years ago

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How Does A The Moon Family Member Think?

How Does A Narcissist Think? Here is how narcissistic behavior is dangerous and harmful to others Posted May 22, 2017 Is the word narcissism being over-used and thrown around lightly? Do we need a deeper understanding of narcissistic behavior and why it is harmful and even dangerous? Having studied this disorder for over 25 years, and in treating many victims of narcissists, I have seen firsthand how dangerous, harmful, and disarming the narcissist can be to others. There are certain traits of the narcissist that don’t really matter so much, like the obvious boasting to cover up their fragile sense of self. But, when the behaviors hurt others and particularly children, it does matter. A lot. It might even matter to the best interest of our country if we have a narcissistic leader. I’m not diagnosing, but in reading and learning more, you can make your own determination. I think it’s important to break down narcissism from a clinical standpoint using the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders as a guide.1 This guide for mental health clinicians lists nine traits seen in the personality disorder of narcissism. Let’s unpack with some examples. 1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance, e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements. Okay, this one…not sure we really care? We know a lot of arrogant people and most of us realize that when people have a need to overstate themselves they are really covering up their own fragility. Confident and solid people with a good sense of self, achievement-oriented or not, don’t feel a need to brag. The most interesting thing to me about this trait is the part about being recognized as superior without the achievement to back it up. This kind of thinking can be harmful to others when the narcissist says, “Look at me, I am better than you! I am bigger, and more powerful, and I may use it against you.” Particularly in intimate relationships or parenting, this can be hurtful and damaging. Example: Jack believes he is more intelligent than his wife or any of his five children. Therefore, no matter what they accomplish or what viewpoints they share, Jack reminds them that they do not measure up and are “not good enough.” He may say something like, “it’s great that you are in track now, but when I was your age, I was running marathons.” 2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. Where is this hurtful? It’s in the “preoccupied” part. This is the “all about me” and “you don’t matter” way in which the narcissist thinks. They have to be on top, and win in all aspects. They value you in regards to how you can help them achieve this perfection, but if you rise above them, watch out! You can’t outshine them or they will take you down notch by notch. Their “preoccupation” with image takes a lot of energy that causes problems in relationships. Example: Bob has to jog every morning to keep his perfectly fit body and there are no exceptions including when his wife or kids are sick and need help. article continues after advertisement 3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions). Frankly, understanding the significance of this one took some time. Again, it is easy to say, “who cares that they do this?” But, this thinking disregards the person and only represents the achievements of others. It is the mantra of the narcissist that you are valued for “what you do” and “not for who you are.” I see this frequently in high conflict divorce cases where one partner is a narcissist. For example, when searching for a therapist for the children, the narcissist will value the high level credentials and prestigious academic background versus the actual ability and experience of the therapist. It is also common for narcissists to reveal the achievements of their friends rather than who they really are as people. You can see that this does not highlight an intimate connection, but rather assigns value as “my friend, the attorney, consultant, or doctor.” Ask yourself with your own friends, why you value them? In healthy relationships, it is because of their wonderful character and personality traits, right? 4. Requires excessive admiration. Everyone I have worked with in a clinical setting, who has either been raised by a narcissistic parent, or has been in a love relationship with a narcissist, says they are EXHAUSTED! Why? It's because the narcissist has an empty emotional vessel that needs to be refueled constantly with admiration and praise. If you are in a relationship with someone like this, you are constantly filling up their narcissistic supply needs. It not only gets old, but it is tiring. And…your needs don’t get met. The relationship is not reciprocal. Give and take? Uh…no. 5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations. The entitlement of the narcissist is difficult to deal with because it leaves out the needs of anyone else. The narcissists’ needs come first, no matter what. They feel they deserve that royal treatment and if you do not cooperate, what do they do? They take you down, make disparaging comments about you, try to hurt you, and withhold appreciation of you. This is a relationship killer! Do I need to say more? article continues after advertisement 6. Is inter-personally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends. Once again, to the narcissist, the other person does not matter. It is only about what the person can do to help the narcissist in whatever endeavor they are pursuing. The narcissist thinks nothing of taking advantage of others to meet their own goals. It is a given. And this is a warning to you. If you feel this in a relationship you are in, take a second look. One is not loved or valued by a narcissist for who they are. Example: Mary typically only calls her friend Betty, a professional event planner, when she suddenly needs help with her garage sale or some other event. 7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. The lack of empathy is really the cornerstone trait of narcissism. Without empathy, how can one love? How can one bond and attach to a child? The false acting of loving is possible but the narcissist cannot sustain it. Have you seen the person who seems to be empathetic and kind but as soon as things don’t go their way, they turn on you? Or the friend who cannot tune into your feelings but rather turns the conversation to themselves? Example: The mother, when you tell her you are going through a divorce, is more concerned with how it looks to the family and the neighbors, rather than your painful feelings and despair. The most difficult thing about having a narcissistic parent or spouse is realizing their inability to love. It is simply a crushing moment when this awareness hits. 8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her. Because the narcissist has to see themselves as larger than life, they assume others will be jealous of them. But, what we see more, is their own envy of others who may outshine them in any way. How do they deal with their envy of others? They make concerted efforts to take others down in constant criticism, critical judgment, name-calling, gossiping, while at the same time pumping themselves up. Example: Linda, is jealous of her coworker, Samantha. Samantha is beautiful and also physically fit and slim. Because Linda struggles with her own weight issues, she starts a rumor in the office that Samantha is likely anorexic and unhealthy to attempt to take her down a notch. article continues after advertisement 9. Shows arrogance, haughty behaviors, or attitudes. Again, this is the flashy cover-up for a fragile ego and low self-esteem. While it looks like narcissists’ have a high opinion of themselves, they really are self-loathing and have a need to take others down to feel better. While arrogant people are hard to be around, this trait seems less bothersome, unless the narcissist is using it to hurt someone with their constant judgment of others. It is important to understand that narcissism is a spectrum disorder ranging from a few traits to the full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. Everybody can display some of these behaviors at certain times of distress in their lives. It is when these character traits are consistent over time and are impairing relationships and hurting others that they become dangerous. When winning at all cost and needing to be better than others is at the central theme of one’s character, danger is in the air. Some additional traits seen in narcissists include the lack of accountability and therefore always blaming someone else, as well as projection of their own feelings onto others. Both of these are crazy making to the people around them. It causes crippling self-doubt and leaves the child, spouse, or friend on constant guard waiting for the next shoe to drop. The projections seem to come out of nowhere and are unpredictable because they are based on whatever is going on inside of the narcissist. There is a lack of impulse control and their own feelings get spewed out onto others. This is why we see such hyper-vigilance in victims of narcissists and a tendency to display many symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Is narcissism harmful and dangerous? Yes, it causes debilitating wounds that take years to unravel. Is a person with this disorder mentally stable and trustworthy? You tell me.

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