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carrotcouple · 2 years ago

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It Feels Like We’ve Seen The Whole World (AO3)

Lan Zhan feels something soft brush against his face and cracks open his eyes. Jiang Cheng is leaning over him. There is soft gray light coming in through the window, filtering through the strands of his hair. Jiang Cheng is smiling softly, pressing feather light kisses to Lan Zhan’s jaw and humming softly. It’s a rare thing when Jiang Cheng wakes up before he does. Lan Zhan reaches out and finds his hands tangling in hair and cloth. He settles his hands on Jiang Cheng’s waist, tilting his chin up a little so that he can press a kiss to Jiang Cheng’s forehead.

Jiang Cheng lets out a breathy little chuckle.

“Good morning,” Jiang Cheng says.

Lan Zhan finds his wrist and sees the ribbon tied there over the watercolor he had painted there. They had waited for it to dry before they went to sleep. The rabbits there leap about Jiang Cheng’s skin. Lan Zhan brings Jiang Cheng’s wrist to his lips.

“Stay with me,” Lan Zhan murmurs.

“We have to get ready,” Jiang Cheng says, tracing the poem he’d written on Lan Zhan’s collarbone the night before. He had sat on top of Lan Zhan, straddling his chest, pressed his tongue between his lips and worked his art across Lan Zhan’s skin. Lan Zhan had stared up at Jiang Cheng, committing every detail of his face to memory. Jiang Cheng is the most beautiful person Lan Zhan has ever seen. He wants to paint him forever. “Your uncle and brother can’t figure out I’ve been spending my nights here.”

Perhaps, in another life, where Lan Zhan didn’t hide his painting from his family, he would have felt more appalled at his behavior. But Jiang Cheng is freedom and everything that Lan Zhan loves. The way Jiang Cheng holds his brush makes Lan Zhan forget every rule he’d grown up learning. They both keep each other’s secrets and every day a new secret is added.

Lan Zhan wants to keep Jiang Cheng.

“You do not have to worry about anyone wondering where you were during the night,” Lan Zhan takes a lock of Jiang Cheng’s hair in between his fingers. He regrets the words that come out of his mouth a moment later.

“True,” Jiang Cheng agrees, but doesn’t pull away from him. “A-Xian is gone now. It’s just me here. He won’t ask me where I’ve been.”

Lan Zhan doesn’t know how to feel about Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng. Wei Wuxian is chaotic and slapdash but he is a good person. Jiang Cheng is quieter, but flooding over with emotions that no one sees. Wei Wuxian quite clearly adores and loves Jiang Cheng, but he takes him for granted, assuming he will always be there by his side.

Lan Zhan knows it is arrogant of him.

He doesn’t know that Jiang Cheng has given himself to Lan Zhan, he doesn’t know that Jiang Cheng steadily burns his life away with ink, he doesn’t know that Jiang Cheng is like water that will slip through their fingers.

Lan Zhan knows, figured it out without being close to Jiang Cheng.

How Wei Wuxian doesn’t know is a mystery to him.

So he holds Jiang Cheng close, trying to keep him to himself. Lan Zhan knows it’s impossible, because Jiang Cheng is always somehow distant, like he’s preparing himself for the end. He still cannot stop writing and so will disappear with the wind one day.

He paints Jiang Cheng’s skin instead, desperate to carve some of himself onto Jiang Cheng’s existence.

He’s still so grateful that Jiang Cheng let him close.

“Before you go,” Lan Zhan says softly, sitting up and pressing his forehead to Jiang Cheng’s bare shoulder. “Let me paint something.”

“Hm, where?” Jiang Cheng asks in assent.

Lan Zhan gently pushes Jiang Cheng back so he falls onto the bed. He grips his right calf with one hand and lifts Jiang Cheng’s leg, hitching it onto his shoulder. He presses a kiss to the side of Jiang Cheng’s knee. Jiang Cheng gazes up at him, hair spread across Lan Zhan’s bedding. His skin is already covered in ink and watercolor.

Lan Zhan has never seen anyone more beautiful.

“How bold, Lan Wangji,” Jiang Cheng says playfully, a smile spreading across his face. Lan Zhan pouts and retaliates by pressing kiss after kiss in the same spot until it blooms red. Jiang Cheng’s leg twitches against Lan Zhan’s hand and shoulder. A laugh escapes Jiang Cheng’s lips.

Lan Zhan reaches for the watercolors next to his bed. He knows very well that it is not a good place to leave his art supplies and painting on his bed is even worse, but he hasn’t been able to stop. The first time he’d painted on Jiang Cheng’s skin, he had been scared, feeling like he was committing the worst sin. Now, he cannot stop.

Jiang Cheng watches him with bright eyes as he rehydrates his brushes and then dips it in the paints. He lifts a wet brush and then brings it to Jiang Cheng’s skin. The kiss mark becomes the center of a flower, spiraling across Jiang Cheng’s leg, covered in dew and adorned by other small flowers and a tiny hummingbird. Lan Zhan knows he needs to finish quickly. His brother likes to invite him to take a short walk before breakfast and the watercolor needs time to dry.

He finishes up with quick strokes and then studies the paint. He’d been shallow, barely there lines of color, meant to decorate Jiang Cheng’s beautifully tanned skin, not cover it. They both stay completely still as the paint dries.

Lan Zhan tests it with a finger and once he’s satisfied that it’s dry he turns to look back at Jiang Cheng.

His eyes are half-lidded, staring up at Lan Zhan with pure fondness and desire. A rush of something warm fills Lan Zhan’s chest and he immediately leans forward. Jiang Cheng gasps as his leg is folded on top of him and then Lan Zhan presses a kiss to his lips. He wishes he was allowed to paint every inch of Jiang Cheng’s skin and show the world that he belonged to him. The hummingbird thrums under his fingertips, flutters and then races across the expanse of skin the flower stretches across.

Jiang Cheng whines into the kiss.

Lan Zhan had asked him once what it felt like to have his miracle on his skin. Jiang Cheng had said it felt like Lan Zhan was caressing him with his spiritual energy. It makes Lan Zhan’s heart soar. It makes him feel like Jiang Cheng will never forget him, always covered in traces of him.

“I need to get ready,” Jiang Cheng protests between kisses.

“You do,” Lan Zhan agrees, kissing him again.

This will end in a moment.

Lan Zhan will let Jiang Cheng go and he will get dressed, make his hair and sneak away. During the day they will be casual friends, close but not close enough. They will hide the brushes they carry in their sleeves and cover up the ink and paint on their skin. Lan Zhan wants to say it’s not fair.

It really isn’t.

He kisses Jiang Cheng one last time before pulling away and sitting back down on his ankles. Jiang Cheng sits up and stares at his knee and the plant crawling up his thigh. The hummingbird flits from one flower to another. He gently runs his finger over the painted skin.

“It’s beautiful,” Jiang Cheng says softly.

“Won’t you write on me?” Lan Zhan asks. He already knows the answer though. Jiang Cheng is very careful with what he writes, thinks about it, grinds the ink for a long time before he actually starts to write. They do not have the time for it now.

“Tonight,” Jiang Cheng promises, pressing a kiss to the corner of Lan Zhan’s mouth before getting out of bed and going for his clothes.

Tonight they will study together after dinner and then sneak back to Lan Zhan’s room. They will write and paint together, talk about mundane things, debate poetry, exchange touches and then put their brushes to each other’s skin.

Jiang Cheng hums as he puts on his clothes. Lan Zhan watches him fasten on his belt and make sure all his robes are tucked in tightly and then he reaches for the comb that Lan Zhan bought for him at Caiyi and starts to do his hair. He is looking out the window, watching the skin turn brighter. His eyes are distant and Lan Zhan feels as if he will slip away.

Don’t go , Lan Zhan thinks.

But there is nothing he can do to stop Jiang Cheng.

He knows better than anyone else how the brush grips his heart and how he cannot stop once he starts. Jiang Cheng is beautiful when he writes. Lan Zhan would never take it from him.

“Aren’t you going to get ready?” Jiang Cheng turns to look at him.

“I will,” Lan Zhan says, getting up.

The day will soon start, the dream will soon end.

There is a far future that Lan Zhan still refuses to think about. Eventually Jiang Cheng will have stayed a year. Eventually he will go back home. Futures are not something they speak about. The both of them already know what awaits them in the future. One day, Lan Zhan will no longer be able to use his arms. One day, Jiang Cheng will have destroyed himself from the inside. They will part ways and Lan Zhan will be left alone, loving the empty space that Jiang Cheng will leave behind.

Some would say it would be better to not love Jiang Cheng then.

But how could Lan Zhan not.

Jiang Cheng is the most captivating person he has ever seen. Lan Zhan greedily consumes everything about Jiang Cheng that he can. He will keep to himself what he can and he will try his best to leave a permanent mark on Jiang Cheng’s soul.

He is possessive.

Much like his father.

But unlike his father, he would never clip Jiang Cheng’s wings.

“You’re not getting ready,” Jiang Cheng remarks.

“Will you continue to wear my forehead ribbon?” Lan Zhan asks.

Jiang Cheng blinks and then looks down at his wrist. He startles and tries to quickly unknot it with one hand. It’s impossible, of course. He looks up at Lan Zhan with a frown and Lan Zhan wants to kiss him again. He wants to pick him up and into his arms and undress him the way he did last night. He wants to paint every inch of his skin, cover him in so many things he cannot put into words. He wants to keep Jiang Cheng tucked into his side, always near him. He wants Jiang Cheng to be his.

“Let me,” Lan Zhan says and moves forward. He takes Jiang Cheng’s wrist and carefully undoes the knots tying the ribbon to Jiang Cheng’s wrist. The ribbon comes free and as it slips from his wrist, it feels like Lan Zhan has lost him.

“I’m going now,” Jiang Cheng says. He leans into Lan Zhan, pressing a kiss to his cheek and then he picks up his sword and walks away.

Lan Zhan watches him go, feeling like Jiang Cheng carved a hole in his chest and then left.

He needs to paint.

He needs to paint what Jiang Cheng looks like.

He only puts on his inner robes and then gets his watercolors. He paints his mind 's image of Jiang Cheng in his bed, gazing up at him with bright eyes. He covers him in flowers and butterflies that flutter in his hair.

He loves him.

He loves him so much.

He’s going to lose him.

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antaradimensi · 2 years ago

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JUNI!

*however this post is about what happened in May*

Feeling guilty, karena banyak yang terjadi tapi ga cerita di sini. May was FUN and FULL! menariknya setelah Mei tahun lalu yang penuh kesenangan (dan impulsivitas, oke aku mengaku) bulan Mei tahun ini rasanya lebih melegakan. Ya, belajar satu hal lagi menyenangkan bukan berarti melegakan.

31 hari untuk mengalami, mencerna momen dan perasaan yang terjadi, tanpa sempat menulis apa-apa. I keep it all in my heads and I think this month is the best time to let it out.

Tapi serius bulan ini tuh banyak momen banget, banyak libur, banyak hal yang gak kepikiran aja bakal kejadian juga. Hari kerja efektif cuma 15 hari karena ambil cuti juga bulan ini. Sebagai orang yang "males banget" ambil cuti lebih dari 1 hari (ga betah liat kerjaan numpuk setelahnya) dan jumlah cuti yang aduh sedih kalau diceritain rasanya bulan Mei ini kayak 1 bulan ga kerja.

Minggu I:

Eid Mubarak! Seneng banget bisa puasa penuh 30 hari di bulan ini meski takut banget kenapa kok siklusnya bisa mundur 7 hari hiiiyy, ternyata efek vaksin booster bulan lalu. Libur lebaran seminggu malah bingung mau ngapain. Kumpul-kumpul saudara bisa selesai di 2 hari saja.

Nonton Doctor Strange dengan visual yang cakep banget ala Sam Raimi di Premium Class (I’ve been waiting for this sequel for 6 years and tickets war was crazy) it worth every penny because “weekday price” and no kids tantrum running in the studio or annoying person.

Selebihnya makan enak, jajan enak, tapi ga “sefoya-foya” biasanya alias alhamdulillah ga seimpulsif tahun lalu (mungkin akibat hampir semuanya udah pernah dicobain) Nemu choux enak banget di Lawson (mengalahkan Beard Papa yang udah jadi langganan) cukup senang muter-muter motoran menikmati sisa-sisa ketenangan bulan ramadhan. Semoga tahun depan ketemu lagi!

Minggu II:

Joined a new book club! Bahas buku lagi bareng fellow readers setelah sekian lama tu agak kagok-kagok gitu tapi fun karena gak begitu ramai, intimate, tapi tiba-tiba koneksi internetnya menghilang. Sebel banget.

Tried painting my book edges (Looking for Alaska) messy but satisfied because it capture Alaska (and me) mental condition and very much.

Begin my chapter 26th (felt weird somehow I made it this far) not that so “euphoric” birthday like last year, spent my day with small circles, people I loved, enough greetings, photos, got 2 cakes and one of it was CHEESECAKE like how could they knowww or what a coincidence??? Imma happy chizquin and meatballs at the and of the day.

Eat something I never thought I will buy it; Salad Stop, out of budget meal (equals 2 double box pizza for a bowl) but surprisingly GREAT TASTE! I felt clean and will have a long life. Ini sih yang bahaya dari makanan mahal, kalau enak alias ketagihan kan repot. Boros. Semangat cari uang untuk makanan sehat, yey.

Masih soal makanan, kali ini makan makanan Korea yang (akhirnya nemu) rasanya cocok di lidah tapi tetap Korea banget, harganya standar makanan mall tapi pantes banget untuk kualitas dan rasa yang dikasih. Dalam seminggu udah nemu 2 tempat makanan baru yang fix bakal lagganan.

Minggu III:

Went to my dad graveyard. This time my mom was in higher level of acceptance. She could finally laugh, and no tears dropping across her cheeks. Me? I don’t know, maybe I’m too afraid of an idea about one day I’ll forget him and keep maintaining my grief feeling (with enough doses) is more comforting.

I never thought that I can tell this, but this week I met new friends from a bookclub that I joined in the first week of May. One step ahead healing from this “bookclub” trauma. Tapi semuanya mengalir aja, padahal masing-masing anggota juga baru pertama kali ketemuan (pandemic reasons) bahkan bisa ngobrol sampai malem ngomongin mental health. Ga nyangka banget bisa sampai di titik ini. New friends and they accept me like a warm hug. I almost cry that day.

My cousins gave me s’mores and they bought it with their own money. Well I never thought that I (who plan to be childfree because I’m afraid raising human) can taking care of kids and it works, they loved me back. This is my first time receiving gifts from them and they pay attention with something I like. At first it was sad for me they don’t get enough attention and affection because their parents broke up since they were little and since we living in the same house (and I’m that awkward having conversations with kids) I take them sometimes to cinemas and eat good food, asking what they want to do after, and the older one surprisingly having the same interest with me; books.

Tes TKD dan Core Values BUMN, gak berharap banyak sih sama hasilnya tapi seneng aja bisa lolos 2 tahap, dan ngerasain “ujian” lagi. Tetep degdegan sih, karena ya this is one of my mom’s dream.

Minggu IV:

Went to Pet Expo in my city but sadly they only have dogs and anything except cats. Not selling any cat treats/ toys also.

D-DAY! momen traveling perdana ke luar provinsi tanpa keluarga. Banyak hal yang jadi momen “first time” selama tanggal 26 Mei sampai 29 Mei, bahkan menghabiskan 2 hari terakhir liburan sendirian di kota yang terakhir kali ke sana itu waktu papa masih sehat (15 tahun lalu) will share my thoughts about this later.

Minggu V:

2 hari terakhir di bulan Mei. Ambil gaji, beresin kerjaan yang numpuk, dan cerita-cerita bareng rekan kerja hingga pulang jam 9 malam. Kurang tidur bikin pusing.

Finally hold Ghost Stories (purple cover) Scholastic Edition copy, been wanting it for one year and don’t know where to order because LANGKA BANGET HEYYY officially jadi hadiah ulang tahun buat diri sendiri di usia 26 tahun ini (selain 1 malam di Metro fulfilling imagination became Kevin McCalister)

Menunggu ucapan yang sepertinya menyerah saja, tak akan pernah ada. Meyakinkan diri untuk melepas semuanya, “beres-beres” perasaan, melanjutkan hidup karena setelah bulan Mei ini ada banyak hal yang harus diperjuangkan. Termasuk karir dan kesehatan yang lebih baik.

Hari ini hari pertama di bulan Juni, karena libur bahagia akhirnya bisa menuangkan beberapa hal di sini, agar lebih ringan melangkah untuk esok.

Berakhirnya bulan Mei dan berakhirnya juga serial Netflix; My Liberation Notes rasanya tuh pas, melegakan karena bulan ini memang niatnya menemukan kebebasan diri yang sederhana, arti bahagia, dan memulai bagian baru dengan lebih mindful dan aware.

May ended with another friendship breakup, but received so much love in return. Semoga banyak kabar baik di bulan ini.

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