#if YOU cannot maintain YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES IT DOES NOT BECOME EVERYONE ELSE'S FAULT

[depresseddepot]

someone on here will say "I don't support censorship" and everyone in the notes will be like "I can't believe you're just admitting you like incest and pedophilia"

[longitudinalwaveme]

Arkham Files: Dr. Alchemy/Dr. Albert Desmond/Mr. Element

Hugo Strange: From the patient files of Dr. Hugo Strange, director of Arkham Asylum. Patient: Dr. Albert Desmond, also known as Dr. Alchemy and Mr. Element. Patient suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder. Session One. So, Dr. Desmond, how are you feeling? 

Dr. Alchemy: Go away. I’m reading. 

Hugo Strange: Dr. Desmond, I promise that you will be able to return to your books as soon as this session is over. But for right now, I need you to talk to me. 

Dr. Alchemy: I am not interested in conversation. Leave me alone. 

Hugo Strange: I’m afraid I cannot do that, Dr. Desmond. As your psychologist, I have a responsibility to maintain your well-being. 

Dr. Alchemy: I have read countless books on the subject of psychology, Dr. Strange. There is nothing you can teach me that I do not already know. 

Hugo Strange: Dr. Desmond, this is not about knowledge. It is about helping you to live a more productive life. 

Dr. Alchemy: Dr. Desmond would likely appreciate the sentiment, but he isn’t here right now. So please, leave me to my studies. I have important work to do, and no time for idle chatter. 

Hugo Strange: I take it I am speaking to one of Dr. Desmond’s alters, then? 

Dr. Alchemy: Yes. I am Doctor Alchemy. Now kindly go away and leave me alone. 

Hugo Strange: I’m afraid that I cannot do that, Dr. Alchemy. As your psychologist, it would be irresponsible of me not to hold these therapy sessions with you. 

Dr. Alchemy: You are not my psychologist; you are Dr. Desmond’s psychologist. Dr. Desmond is not here right now, so you have no responsibilities in this room. Go away. 

Hugo Strange: Dr. Alchemy, you and Dr. Desmond share the same body, and are fragmented parts of the same basic personality. Medically and legally, both of you are my patients...as are any other alters that may exist. 

Dr. Alchemy: Be that as it may, I have nothing to say to you. Go away.

Hugo Strange: (Sighs) If I arrange to have some more rare books delivered to your room, will you agree to participate in the session, Dr. Alchemy? 

Dr. Alchemy: (Pleased) Yes. Thank you, Dr. Strange. (Pause) What do you want to know? 

Hugo Strange: According to your files, you are a very educated man. You have PhDs in chemistry, biochemistry, and molecular biology. You could easily earn money legitimately...and, in fact, Dr. Desmond does just that in his career at S.T.A.R. Labs. Why, then, did you choose to become a costumed criminal? 

Dr. Alchemy: Research is expensive, Dr. Strange. How else was I to fund my experiments? 

Hugo Strange: Dr. Desmond usually asks for grant money. 

Dr. Alchemy: Only because he wastes our talents on safe, predictable work. I, on the other hand, push the boundaries of established science. That frightens the complacent and the simple-minded, and as such, they dismiss my work as lunacy and refuse to help me in my endeavors to expand humanity’s understanding of the cosmos. 

Hugo Strange: Even if that is true, Dr. Alchemy, your file indicates that you are a metahuman with the power to transmute the elements at will. Why not use that power to create gold or silver, sell it for a profit, and use that to fund your experiments? 

Dr. Alchemy: And debase my powers by using them for something as mundane as earning petty cash from the mindless multitudes? Never. 

Hugo Strange: But you’re perfectly willing to use those same powers to steal money from the same mindless multitude? 

Dr. Alchemy: Of course. I am the lord of the very elements! It is my right to take whatever I desire. 

Hugo Strange: You are stealing! Like a common thief! 

Dr. Alchemy: A common thief could not turn your blood into formaldehyde, Dr. Strange. 

Hugo Strange: Was that a threat, Dr. Alchemy? 

Dr. Alchemy: No, not a threat. Merely a reminder of your position. 

Hugo Strange: (Angry) Let me make one thing clear, Dr. Alchemy. When you were sent here, you were, effectively, declared a ward of the state. I am the head of this Asylum. I want to help you, but if you prove to be a threat to me, the other patients, or the staff, I will authorize that you be put on a regime of enough antipsychotic drugs to all but kill your conscious mind. 

Dr. Alchemy: (Quiet laugh) And break your Hippocratic Oath by sentencing poor Dr. Desmond to a living death? I don’t believe you have that in you, Dr. Strange.

Hugo Strange: (Icily) To prevent one of the most powerful metahumans in the world from laying waste to this institution? There is very little I would not do, Dr. Alchemy. Metahuman power dampeners have a very limited effect on you, and I am not enough of a fool to rely solely on your goodwill to keep you in check. 

Dr. Alchemy: (Quickly) In that case, I rescind my reminder. 

Hugo Strange: I’m glad to hear that, Dr. Alchemy. (Pause) So tell me, what is your relationship with your city’s scarlet-clad vigilante? 

Dr. Alchemy: The Flash? He’s an impediment to my research, nothing more. 

Hugo Strange: And your decision to put on a costume was in no way inspired by him? 

Dr. Alchemy: Perhaps on some level. But he means nothing to me. Dr. Desmond is the one who cares about him. 

Hugo Strange: In that case, will you permit me to speak with Dr. Desmond? 

Dr. Alchemy: Certainly not. That weak-willed fool would only interfere with my studies. 

Dr. Hugo Strange: If you cooperate, I’ll see what I can do about getting you a first-edition copy of The Grapes of Wrath. 

Dr. Alchemy: Very well. If I can find Dr. Desmond, I’ll let him know that he wishes to speak with you. 

(Long pause) 

Hugo Strange: Are you all right, Dr. Alchemy? 

Albert: (in a voice that is similar to, but distinguishable from, Dr. Alchemy’s) W-where am I? What’s going on? 

Hugo Strange: (Realizing) Is this Dr. Albert Desmond? 

Albert: Y-yes. (Pause) Who are you? What is this place? What am I doing here? 

Hugo Strange: I am Dr. Hugo Strange, director of Arkham Asylum. What is the last thing you remember, Dr. Desmond? 

Albert: I...I was at home with my wife, Rita. She was making dinner, and I felt a headache coming on, so I went outside to get some fresh air and-(Pause) Oh, no. It happened again, didn’t it? 

Hugo Strange: I’m afraid so, Dr. Desmond. A week ago, Dr. Alchemy was captured by the Flash whilst attempting to turn an entire stadium’s worth of people into tungsten. Since Iron Heights Penitentiary is currently incapable of holding metahuman criminals, it was decided that he should be transferred to Arkham Asylum, pending his trial. 

Albert: Not again...not again!  It’s been three years since the last time. I thought that the nightmare was finally over. 

Hugo Strange: Dr. Desmond, the courts are aware of your… highly unusual...form of Dissociative Identity Disorder. You will almost certainly be declared not guilty by reason of insanity. 

Albert: And then they’ll lock me away in a hospital instead of a prison. Rita and I...we have a baby son! Is he going to grow up with his father shut away in a mental institution? (Pause) I should have had her divorce me. At least that way she wouldn’t be raising our son all by herself. And she wouldn’t have to worry about both her and the baby being murdered by a costumed maniac! 

Hugo Strange: Neither of your alters have ever actually murdered someone, Dr. Desmond. 

Albert: No. But from what I’ve been told, it hasn’t been from lack of trying. (Pause) I let her marry me. I knew what I was, and I let her marry a monster. 

Hugo Strange: You are not a monster, Dr. Desmond. Your family members, the police and judicial departments of Central City, and even your city’s costumed vigilante all swear as to your good moral character. 

Albert: Good moral character? Dr. Strange, both of my alters are criminals; which means that there’s a part of me...there’s a part of me that wants to do the things they do. If there wasn’t, surely I would have been able to get rid of them by now. The fact that I haven’t proves that I don’t have good morals. 

Hugo Strange: Dr. Desmond, do you ever remember the actions of your alters? 

Albert: Almost never. (Pause) I usually end up finding out about it after the fact. You have no idea how horrible it is to have someone tell you that your body went on a crime spree that you don’t remember anything about. 

Hugo Strange: In other words, you have dissociative amnesia during the periods in which your alters are dominant. (Pause) Do you make an effort to prevent your alters from emerging, Dr. Desmond? 

Albert: Of course I do! I take medication, I exercise, I ensure that I always get a full night’s rest, I go to therapy….I don’t want to be a monster. 

Hugo Strange: A monster wouldn’t battle his illness in the way that you do, Dr. Desmond. You are not a monster. You are ill, and through no fault of your own. 

Albert: I...I wish I could believe that, Dr. Strange. (Pause) But honestly? I’m starting to think that maybe I should just be locked up forever. It would...it would be better for everyone. 

(Long pause) 

Hugo Strange: Dr. Desmond? Dr. Desmond, are you all right? 

Mr. Element: (in a voice that is similar to, but distinguishable from, Dr. Alchemy and Albert’s voices) I’m afraid you’ve got the wrong man, Doc.

Hugo Strange: Who are you? And what happened to Dr. Desmond? 

Mr. Element: Nothing. I just decided to take control. It seems that Doc Alchemy’s actions have caused him to almost give up hope completely this time, and that meant he couldn’t put up much of a fight against me. (Pause) Thanks for getting Doc Alchemy to give up control voluntarily, by the way. You have no idea how tough it is to win fights for control with that guy. 

Hugo Strange: I take it you’re Mr. Desmond’s other alter? 

Mr. Element: That’s right, Doc. You can call me Mr. Element. 

Hugo Strange: Not Dr. Element? 

Mr. Element: Nah. The other two got most of the brains, I’m afraid. It’s why I’m not as powerful as either one of ‘em. (Pause) Not that you’d know it from looking at Albert, of course. He’s got no idea how powerful he really is. He’s even more powerful than Doc Alchemy! 

Hugo Strange: I suppose that that makes a certain amount of sense. Dr. Desmond is, after all, the personality from which the two of you split off. Perhaps that allows him to mainline the power, so to speak. (Pause) So, Mr. Element, why do you commit crimes in a silly costume? 

Mr. Element: To get money and attention. Doc Alchemy could care less about that sort of thing, and Albert’s too much of a goody-good to admit that he wants either, so it’s up to me to make sure people remember us. 

Hugo Strange: And the costume, was it inspired by the Flash? 

Mr. Element: No. It was based on our fascination with elements. The mask was so that I could inhale pure oxygen; I used a carbon atom as my symbol because life has its basis in carbon-you get the idea. Albert’s the one who has an emotional connection to the Speedster. 

Hugo Strange: Yes, yes. Dr. Alchemy said the same thing. (Pause) So, are either you or Dr. Alchemy Rogues, Mr. Element? 

Mr. Element: No. Doc Alchemy and I both prefer to work solo. Besides, I think the Doc kind of freaks them out. 

Hugo Strange: Are there any particular concerns you want to talk to me about, Mr. Element? 

Mr. Element: Not really. Albert’s the one with the hang-ups. 

Hugo Strange: In that case, I am going to bring this session to a close. I need some time to reflect on your case and how to best treat it. It is noticeably abnormal, and I will need to adjust my strategies accordingly.

[everybodyelsesgirl]

trying to process some things. personal stuff below the cut.

tw for emotional abuse; mental illness; eating disorder; suicide.

keep thinking about this post from 5 years ago and how I really, truly believed that things were going to get better. that I'd finally stood up for myself for the first time in my life and not allowed yet another person to take advantage of me and destroy my sense of self. I'd finally said no to being used and manipulated and treated like shit because I couldn't bear the thought of people disliking me—of people thinking I was weird or annoying or pathetic—or of people just not even paying any attention to me at all.

for so long I had been what I can only describe as a living, breathing doormat. almost every 'friend' I ever had would somehow know exactly how to take advantage of me whilst making me feel completely and utterly inadequate and it was only when I came up against the one person whose abuse was just so completely textbook, that I actually realised what I'd been putting myself through all these years. the gaslighting and the lying and the way she would try to get my other friends to turn on me so she could get what she wanted, while using her own mental illness as a weapon to threaten me and my family with when she didn't get her way. and, in the past, it probably would have worked. I would have just let it happen because that was easier than having to face the prospect of being alone once again. I would have been wracked with guilt and self-loathing at the thought of being the reason why my friend had said she was going to stop eating and kill herself and then done everything in my power to appease them and give them what they wanted because, it was me—I was the cause of that, right?

but I had reached the point where I gave enough of a shit about myself that I wasn't going to let someone treat me that way. that I wasn't going to be emotionally abused and manipulated anymore or made to feel like I was broken or abnormal because I didn't act the way they expected me to. realising I was autistic was so liberating because it meant that I finally understood why this had happened to me. that I had been so susceptible, not because I was just so broken that I had somehow brought it on myself, but because an abuser sees vulnerability and exploits that.

but you know what standing up for yourself does? what it means to assert your boundaries and protect yourself and say no? it means you end up alone. at the time I was so relieved to be free of her that it didn't really occur to me that I had no friends left. the friends I had at the time were also hers and I just—cut them all out of my life. that's what people tell you to do right? when you're getting away from an abuser, that is what you're supposed to do, isn't it?? I've had to do it now so many times that I barely even think about it—I just cut people out. and now it's become so normalised for me that I'm not sure if I'll ever be capable of maintaining a relationship with someone ever again. how could I possibly trust anyone when this is all I've ever known? I keep everyone at arms length; if someone wants to message me, meet up, go for coffee, or whatever else friends are supposed to do, I shut it down before it's even started. does this make me a bad person? I don't know, maybe—? but at this point I don't even know how to do any different. it is so hardwired in me not to trust anyone anymore that I have spent the past 5 years without any friends at all.

and, honestly, I'm broken. I'm back at the point where I'm convinced that there must be something that's so fundamentally wrong with me that I cannot even begin to maintain a functioning relationship with another person and it must be—it just has to be—my fault. I am the only constant in this scenario and it feels like everything I am is just fundamentally incompatible with other human beings. the way I'm still so terrified of being rejected or ignored but I almost seek these things out by avoiding and evading and putting up walls because it's the only way I know how to have any semblance of control. and now I am so resigned to this—that this is what my life amounts to—that I see no way out. and just, when I think back on that post I wrote, I just wish I was still that person. sure, I was alone, but at least I had hope. at least I still thought things would get better.

now I'm 5 years down the line and I'm having to quit uni altogether because of an entirely arbitrary time limit on how long you're allowed to complete an undergrad degree before they just decide that you're out. and it's not like I didn't do all the right things; I got accommodations and extensions and they were going to let me have another two years extra so that I could finish third year part-time. but then the pandemic happened and instead of acknowledging that my accommodations had obviously not planned for lockdowns and enforced isolation and a complete loss of any of the mechanisms I'd carefully built to be able to function on even the most basic level, they just decided to say no. and that was that.

so of course, when I think back on the amount of work it took me to even consider going back to uni in the first place after what had happened the first time round—it's just incomprehensible. all that time and effort to attempt to build myself back up and to try and learn how to put myself first and stop bending over backwards to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own physical and mental health and now it all just amounts to nothing. my physical health is the worst it's ever been and mentally I'm so broken that I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to put the pieces back together. because before, at least, those pieces were still recognisable as part of a whole; you could still match up the edges and see where they fit or where the gaps and cracks needed plastering over. but now, it's been broken so many more times that each part becomes smaller and smaller and less and less recognisable to the point where you just don't know what they are anymore. is this really what I've done to myself? has everything I've done really led to this? I just really don't know if I'll ever be able to trust myself not to destroy everything I've worked for yet again and, not being able to ever trust myself again, I think that is honestly the scariest part of all.

[hamliet]

Why does Kaneki still try to do everything by himself? I always felt it was because he thought he needed to if he were to be loved by others, but Touka pretty explicitly showed him how much she loved him. My guess is that he thinks he has to continue to do everything himself in order to maintain that love, but also because Touka hasn't directly confronted that flaw of his. Hopefully you can clear it up, I love your metas :)

Ahhh thank you! So there are very complex reasons behind Kaneki’s motivations to do everything on his own, but let’s look at the other characters who explicitly embody this trait as well: Shirazu and Urie.

I think it’s notable that the reason Shirazu takes on all the responsibility is not because Kaneki saddles him with leading the squad (Shirazu was a good squad leader), but rather it’s connected to his upbringing. After Haru got sick, his mother left, and this happened to his father:

His father hung himself, leaving Shirazu as the only one who could possibly care for Haru. That’s why, when he’s dying, he genuinely thinks the world is cruel. He doesn’t trust the new family he has–Urie, Saiko, Mutsuki–to try and save her, and why would he? His mom left and his father also left when things got terrible. So he asks them to let her die, because without him, he thinks there’s no chance for her anyways.

And then let’s look at Urie. He takes over the Squad after Shirazu dies, and kind of is not a great leader, unlike Shirazu.

His determination and desperation to be strong and to overcome Kuroiwa is pretty clearly rooted in a childish desire to tell his father he didn’t want his father to leave him and to prove he was worth his father not sacrificing himself, because in Urie’s mind, Mikito prioritized his squad’s lives over coming home to him.

Basically, Urie does not want to be his father, but he’s become just like him anyways, and it almost killed him when he framed out, but Saiko saved him.

So, Kaneki. We know that Kaneki’s mother died from overwork, because she was so desperate to bear the burden for her sister and her sister’s family. Kaneki’s father died when he was so young that his mother is really the only parental example he had in his early formative years. And even though he truly does resent her for prioritizing everyone else, it’s obvious that Kaneki’s followed in her footsteps in that.

But beyond that, Kaneki’s dad died, his mom abused him and died, and his aunt abused and neglected him. These are all things Kaneki had absolutely no control over. He is not in any way at fault for any of these. But it’s highly, highly common for abuse victims to blame themselves–especially children. See, all children are by nature egocentric–but I’m using a psychological term here, not the common way “egocentric” would be used as a negative thing. It just means that children are not able to fully grasp the complexity of the world, and so they believe that they deserve or have earned everything that happens to them. It’s interesting to me that Kaneki is shown in a fetal position last chapter:

So this chapter really highlighted Kaneki’s childlikeness for me (I should also clarify: childlike is not a negative thing; childish is negative, they have different connotations).

Because Kaneki believes he is somehow responsible for every bad thing that’s happened to him (thinking of himself as the protagonist also ties into this), and because he also doesn’t want to be his mother and wants the bad things to stop happening to both him and to those he loves, he believes he alone can stop it. Which is a faulty mindset: Suzuya made his own choice to fight in the 24th ward. So did Mutsuki. Hinami chose to stay behind and almost sacrifice herself. Naki expressed that he wanted to die. Those are not Kaneki’s fault.

Like Shirazu, due to his childhood experiences teaching him he could not rely on others, Kaneki is too scared to actually rely on others. Like Urie, he’s still grief-torn over the loved ones he lost even though he had no control over most of them. He’s a traumatized child.

And furthermore, Kaneki absolutely loathes himself. He sets up seemingly hypocritical boundaries like “killing ghouls fine, killing humans no, but I’m the ghoul king” because it’s literally the only way he can live with himself. It’s a maladaptive coping mechanism. He does not believe he’s worth love if he isn’t good enough, if he isn’t kind enough, if he doesn’t get hurt enough. Love for Kaneki is inherently tangled in him being hurt, just like his mom hurt him but also loved him. Touka is not abusive, Tsukiyama is not abusive, Hide never was, so Kaneki must hurt himself to protect them.

(I’m crying as I’m writing this, because it’s really damn relatable and my heart’s broken for him.)

Kaneki does know he’s loved. Touka, Tsukiyama, everyone in Goat could not show him more how loved he is–except they actually could if they confronted the worst parts of him, like Urie and Saiko did with Mutsuki recently (what is foreshadowing). Because he doesn’t trust them fully to love him if he’s what he fears he is (a murderer, and he is a murderer). But they love him anyways, and I expect them to show him that at the end. Like Mutsuki, he’s probably going to be in complete and total despair after this, but accept that he’s a murderer and he cannot justify his murders.

But. But Touka and the others still love him. The entire CCG and Goat are trying to save him because to them, he’s worth it, even though he killed countless CCG agents in the 24th ward and countless ghouls. Like Urie and Saiko had to acknowledge Mutsuki’s wrongdoings, Touka and the others need to acknowledge Kaneki’s, and tell him that they love him no matter what. And they will, I believe that.

Tl;dr: Kaneki is afraid to know himself, and to let others know him, due to his childhood trauma and deep self-loathing.

[lil-miss-methodical]

Black Panther Review Articles 3

                                               May contain spoilers

“Just because something works, doesn’t mean it can’t be improved.”

Shuri: Young, vibrant and intelligent -> the Carefree One Shuri is easily a favorite. Every character had a part to play and Shuri’s the one of untampered youth. She wasn’t naive, or even childish. Know the world, it’s history and being responsible for the technological aspects of her people’s livelihood kinda pushes those concepts away. But her brother has been able to keep her shelter from danger, from the harshness of life as much as possible and so while she has great capabilities and task she remains this breath of freshness. She’s a jokester, choosing her brother as her victim whenever possible. It’s her easy excitable nature that makes her so enjoyable- she just as intelligent if not more so than Tony Stark but has nothing of his flaws of grandeur. Her skills are amazing and she knows it but she never comes with a vibe of I’m better than you because I’m more intelligent. In fact get her to talking about her tech and she because more alive. In the film she’s allowed this carefree vibe that allows the production to present black youth as it is in social standings - you get amazing lines from her like the ‘what are those’ throwback.

“I am loyal to the throne, no matter who sits on it.”

Okoye: Controlled, powerful and responsible -> the Resilient One A lot of people claim to hate the strong black woman trope - toting dangers to nature forgetting that that trope actually was born from the many women who had to become resilient to their circumstances. The danger is not a strong black woman but the world that expects her to only just. Okoye is defined as strong not because she’s capable of maintaining her own in battle, but because she’s of conviction. She vows to do and so she does. Strength is sometimes simply being and or doing even when you don’t want to. A woman can be strong without being a stone wall of impenetrableness and the film never intended to write her as such. Easily on we’re introduced to her other sides, the teasing side, the side that considers her King a friend despite the boundaries that would normal eliminate such feelings. The soft edges of love. Although you bet your ass I’m here for the concept of her standing for her values no matter what and man literally dropping to his knees before her in repentance.

“It was my duty to fight for what I love.”

Nakia: Stubborn, determined and self confident -> the Willful one Nakia was everything weak people complain about (def men) - stubborn, opinionated, knowing of her own worth, determined and focused on her own desires and goals. These traits that black women are often faulted for having were not at all considered bad in Nakia. In fact they were her strengths and the exact thing that saved not only T'Challa but Wakanda itself.  She the so call elusive woman, unpredictable and free but they don’t pull a pin up on her. They don’t make her overly sexual or seductive. They don’t overwhelm her presence with feminine whiles. She’s not there to be served on a platter to the Black Panther. Instead their chemistry is genuine. Old relations where the flame hasn’t died. She’s his confidant and his voice of reasons many times.

The ladies of Wakanda are beautiful and important because they are the reason Wakanda stands. Through the intelligence of technology, the strength of presence and the nature of determination. It’s Shuri’s creative mind that Wakanda’s foundation resides upon - the same technology they all depend on even in battle. Okoye leads the Dora in protection of the throne, its her single audacity to stand for that throne despite her own heart that stops the battle on the field. Nakia is a spy that has to adapt to every situation she’s placed in - and we see that strength constantly.  It’s Nakia’s voice of reason that brings the white guy back that later stopped all their weapons from leaving. It’s her sense of right and determination that gets Shuri and the Queen from the hall - Erik would’ve killed them just because their loyalty is to T'Challa. It’s Nakia’s daring nature that puts T'Challa back in the power of the Black Panther. Wakanda would not still be standing as is without these brave women.

The film doesn’t tell you that these women are outstanding…they show you.

People say the women stole the show but that’s because they don’t understand the women were the show. T'Challa may be the King but they weren’t afraid to represent everyone else. They weren’t afraid to shine on those around him. I think people should understand this push of - all our people are important. The writers intention of show all sides of black people as we’ve never been shown. They showed you who all the characters were - that’s rare. Only the main leads get that treatment in most projects. But we know for us - black Panther was a chance to here about us and they took that opportunity. These black women - the carefree, the resilient, willful ones - they’re often bad mouth in real life, people ability to see only their flaws knows no bounds and yet the movie presents you with only their best.

These women were different from one another, they all surround the King for one reason or another but none stand within his shadow. They’re their own people and bring their own skills to the table.

Fashion and other important elements when it comes to women: The fashion was so on point with these ladies and it was not about the greedy eyes of men, it was not about the female form being sexualized. These women were not here to be anyone’s eye candy. They were beautiful just because they were. One of my favorite moments is in the beginning when Okoye tells T'Challa not to freeze when he sees Nakia and you automatically expect her to be decked out looking made up but when we actually get the first shot of her she’s in regular garb and has a head wrap on and yet T'Challa is still floored. It was a nice way to lead with the messgae that a black woman in her normal state is still beautiful. We were all pleased that they cast a dark skinned woman in such a role. They let her hair out and kept her in the wear. The clothing of the female guards are not fleshy and pretentious - in fact - when they tell Nakia to put on the outfit the words that were used was - its armor.

Danai is someone we’ve seen in this kind of role. Her work in The Walking Dead has exposed us all to seeing her in this kind of form - but, the difference with Black Panther is we get to celebrate her type of beauty. You have these women who walk around bald and they’re proud of it, they prefer it. I’ve said once that all women should cut their hair off at least once - because the experience of walking around in a world they thinks they get to decide what your hair should be and taking that away from them in every aspect is a powerful thing and has the ability to shoot your confidence sky high (trust I’ve done it twice). There’s nothing wrong with a woman without hair. She was more beautiful when she took off the wig and threw it at her opponent. We get to see Danai in this gorgeous flowing red dress that just looks like vengeance as she jumps from the upper floor.

My favorite wear came from Shuri though! Such diversity in her wear and yet none overly topping who her character was supposed to be. She rocked the braids but they showed just how fucking changeable that hair is. She rocked the solo bun, the double buns, the half up ponytail, the cropped back with the design - and it was a nice one too! She had the all white with the dress and sneaks, the belly design top, and then she had the nerve to be all decked out for battle! Y'all know she had that already prepped on the low rih? She just knew they were gonna need her on the battle field on day. She had her own weapons prepped and with accessories. It’s difficult to come better than Shuri - she was smart, funny, brave, and a fashionista all in her own right.

The film didn’t balk on showing these women’s greatness while not using it as a peepshow.

Woman can be deadly in anything. They can be gorgeous in any state. And more importantly they hold the autonomy to their own being.

Casting:

I love this whole cast - I’ve said it since the casting list was released. Letitia Wright was a new face for me. I’ve only seen her in one other production and that was Black Mirror - and I was super hyped afterwards because she is so phenomenal. She def the breakout queen, the love people have for her after Shuri will hopefully propel her career because she’s got it. seeing her and Chadwick play ff one another as siblings was one of the best elements to the entire movie. Shuri is one of the best things in the entire movie if we’re to be frank. She meshed into this character, slid into them shoes as though they were her own. 

It has def felt like Lupita has been killing the game recently and she deserves it. She just brings so much light and fun with her. I think a lot of us look up to her confidence and her nature to not back down in this world thats hardly ready for a woman like her. I felt like she had been waiting to play this role. Like I said before - its imperative for women like her to be presented with roles such as these. Its only then that you can see theres no difference and we can deliver just like everybody else.

Danai has been my love since she first walked onto the screen In The Walking Dead. Seeing her kickass, seeing her being emotional, seeing her being so predominate in fandom was just exciting. So when I heard she was getting cast for this I was ecstatic. You cannot go wrong with this woman. I feel like she does so well because even with cast mates its not a competition for her, its not about outshining or outdoing. She just has this presence and she brings that to her characters. 

I’m happy they went with these women. If they make a part 2 I demand they bring them all back! 

[russellthornton]

Narcissist and Empath: Why They’re a Match Made in Dating Hell

There are few worse matches than a narcissist and empath. These two opposites certainly don’t complement each other, and it often leads toward dark roads.

You’ve no doubt heard the line, opposites attract. But there is one instance which that description will never fit—when a narcissist and empath cross paths.

If you want fireworks, declarations of lasting love, and a relationship that stands the test of time, you’re going to be sorely disappointed here. The only destination this relationship has is heartbreak… not for the narcissist.

To understand why this relationship is doomed from the start, first learn what a narcissist and empath are. From those two descriptions you’ll quickly be able to do the math! [Read: Do opposites attract or push each other away?]

What is a narcissist?

A narcissist is a person who has very little, if any, empathy for other people. They are a professional manipulator and can be spotted easily by the following traits:

– They are never in the wrong, and everything is always someone else’s fault

– Their opinion is fact, and yours is categorical rubbish in their eyes

– Struggle to show emotion

– An overinflated sense of self-importance

– Often need validation and reassurance that they are the best/the most handsome or most beautiful/incredibly talented, etc.

– Extremely jealous

– Have a huge problem maintaining relationships and friendships

– Often uses emotional manipulation to get their own way

– Always needs to be the center of attention

– Can’t handle criticism, and respond with shame or anger

[Read: 23 signs of narcissism people overlook until it’s too late]

These are just a few traits of someone who is a narcissist. None of that sounds good, right? That’s because it’s not. Being in a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies isn’t a fun experience.

Narcissism isn’t just something that people choose to be, and it actually falls under a personality disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A person with this disorder often fails to get treatment because they simply don’t believe they have a problem. They think everyone else has the problem.

It’s unlikely that you will ever be able to convince a narcissistic partner that you’re right and they’re wrong. In this case, many narcissists simply carry on acting in emotionally destructive ways to not only others, but themselves too. [Read: What it really means to love a narcissist]

Something closely linked to narcissism is gas lighting.

The issue of gas lighting

Gas lighting is the reason why a narcissist and empath are never going to be a good match. A gas lighter convinces someone that they’re the one in the wrong *when it’s clearly you*, turning everything around on them and making them doubt their own sanity.

It is a severe form of emotional abuse, and a narcissist truly believes that their way is the right way. It’s a tactic they often use.

Again, we should point out that narcissists aren’t nasty per se, and they’re not doing it because they want to hurt a person. They really hand on heart believe that they’re right. [Read: 14 signs a narcissist is clearly gaslight you and messing your mind]

What is an empath?

On the other hand, an empath is the complete opposite of a narcissist. If you picture a narcissist to be harsh, with sharp edges, and a serious expression, an empath would be kind, with rounded sides, and a constant smile. An empath is sometimes referred to as an earth angel.

An empath picks up on the feelings and emotions of other people, and they absorb them as their own. For example, if a friend is feeling extremely sad and down, spending a short amount of time with that person, the empath would start to also feel the same way. Similarly, if an empath stands next to someone in the bus queue who feels angry, they would start to feel anger too, for no reason at all. [Read: 12 signs you’re an empath and feel deeper than others]

Empaths can easily become overwhelmed by all these feelings coming at them on a daily basis. They’re extremely sensitive people and life’s helpers. An empath is likely to be drawn to a narcissist because they are charming at first, but they can sense an upset or sadness about them. While an empath has a strong sense of intuition, this often isn’t the case around a narcissist.

A good example here is in the book/film Twilight. Edward Cullen *a vampire, in case you’ve been sleeping under a rock* is drawn inexplicably toward Bella Swan, a human. For some reason, unbeknownst to Cullen, he cannot read her mind. But he can read everyone else’s. He is powerless against her.

Empaths and narcissists are very similar. Narcissists manipulate empaths far easier than anyone else. [Read: The empaths and relationships guide for a better future]

Narcissist and empath—surely a looming disaster?

Yes, and a rather cataclysmic one at that. As empaths are very sensitive people with a born desire to help others, they’re likely to be easily manipulated by the charming-at-first narcissist. It isn’t until the narcissist starts to show their true colors that the empath is hooked and so emotionally invested that they start to question whether it is them imagining it all.

It’s not unusual for former partners of narcissists to need counseling after they finally find the strength to walk away. While a narcissist may not mean to intentionally hurt anyone, it does boil down to emotional abuse, and gas lighting in particular is one method which can cause severe stress and emotional trauma to someone who is sensitive in general. [Read: How to set boundaries with a narcissist and weaken their hold over you]

When you add in the extra sensitivity and desire to do good, as with an empath, you’re really looking at a poor outcome.

The narcissist will also genuinely feel that they have done nothing wrong, and wonder why everyone seems to leave them in the end. This adds to the frustration they feel, which then turns into a snowball effect of negativity. There really isn’t much win-win on either side, and it comes down to a serious case of lose-lose. [Read: How to teach a narcissist to change for the better]

Can a relationship between a narcissist and empath ever work?

Can a relationship between a narcissist and an empath really work? The odds aren’t great, but it doesn’t mean it’s an impossibility. There are different levels of narcissism, just as there are different levels of empathy.

If a narcissist is toward the mild end of the scale, and an empath is aware of what is going on, e.g. that their partner has this type of personality disorder, then there may be a future. The only real way to be sure of a positive outcome is for the narcissist to admit a problem and to seek behavioral counseling to rid them of the traits which have become so ingrained. [Read: How to beat a narcissist and win over their manipulation]

Narcissists in general find it very hard to maintain healthy relationships, and they often don’t have long-lasting friendships either. You will usually find with narcissists that they have a lot of friends who come and go. They don’t tend to have life-long friends.

A point usually comes in any friendship or relationship with a narcissist, where the other person simply has enough. They find the strength to walk away, and while it’s incredibly hard *extremely, in fact*, it is often the only way to be free of the difficulties that have come their way.

[Read: How to recognize and end toxic relationships]

At the end of the day, you can’t change a narcissist and empath. They both are who they are, and they are never a good match.

The post Narcissist and Empath: Why They’re a Match Made in Dating Hell is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.

[plantohead]

I just rant about how terrible my “mother” was so yeah that’s all. Basically, I legitimately hope she dies soon because right now she’s lashing out about her beef with me and hurting my sisters and I’m not cool with that, but I’m also in no position to put myself between them because I really can’t handle going back into that situation. So yah, this terrible person should just drop dead, preferably soon, like tomorrow maybe.

Sue thinks I would be giving myself a bad image if I aired our dirty laundry but joke's on her because she's the only one that looks bad. She also thinks I'm telling lies, but joke's on her the only liar is her because anyone who knows me knows I am a terrible liar. I can't even play the card game BS. Middle-school me was more hardened than I am now.

Sue was a toxic af person and I can’t believe it took me so long to realize it. She planted the seeds at an early age and undermine my confidence, agency, ability to stand up for myself and enforce boundaries, and my happiness and wellbeing. She would say terrible things, gaslight me, and was all around just horribly emotionally abusive. She made Dan into a toxic person, too. She made me toxic. She plays family members against each other. You had to side with her on everything, and everyone else was wrong about something, and usually something big. Dan was not a good husband. Her oldest child was ungrateful. Her middle child was too shallow and didn't love her. Her youngest child couldn't learn anything right. Oh, but she was never in the wrong. How dare you insinuate such a thing. The mere suggestion could send her flying into a rage. I'd say she was a screaming banshee or a screaming harpy, but the truth is she outscreams them both. Simultaneously. As in, if both were screaming, she'd still win. Distance doesn’t help, either. If she can’t scream at you in person, she’ll just send you more than 300 texts in one day (I let them accumulate one day and literally my notifications were over 300) telling you that you’re a terrible person and the worst child ever and you’re such a loser, you won’t amount to anything, oh and your boyfriend doesn’t actually love because only a mother could. Rinse and repeat for the next 5 days.

I have grown up being told I was lazy. I believed that for the longest time, and I'm still unlearning it. I was lazy despite having learned to play piano, flute, and guitar and having a brief stint with the violin and piccolo. I was lazy despite maintaining high grades while being in marching band in high school and joining the jazz band in my last year (I was terrible by the way, I'm through and through a Classical/Romantic period pianist). I was lazy in uni when I earned top grades while going to concerts, attending ballroom classes, training in wushu, taking additional credits, reading books outside of school, sketching, studying for the LSAT, rehearsing in a band, writing songs, and writing a thesis. She never believed I studied because all she ever saw were photos of when I was having fun. No shit sherlock, I take like 100+ photos and 50 videos of just one concert, and I'm not going to take pictures of my calculus notebooks, please... But so be it, I was lazy, and now every time my work ethic comes into question, I spiral out of control and become exactly what I'm supposed to be: lazy.

I was told that I was ungrateful, hateful, and oversensitive. Never mind that being told you are ungrateful and hateful would lead to some sensitive feelings. Never mind that you are supposed to raise the child you so graciously decided to give life to because it's your goddamn responsibility. Never mind that said child might occasionally hate you when you slam your hands on the table and scream at the top of your lungs at them and call them names, maybe hit them across the face a couple times. Never mind that I might have been ungrateful because you always said you owed me nothing when yeah, you did. Parenting. Love. Some emotional stability. Maybe you should actually try it out. Oh wait, you blew it, go rot in hell.

I was raised such that my talents and accomplishments were turned into an extension of Sue, while all my perceived faults were because I wasn't good enough. I have been made to doubt myself with guilt-tripping, manipulation, and gaslighting. Get this: after I came out about my sexual abuse, at some point I asked to log into my Facebook account on Sue's tablet. I forgot to log out when I returned to uni, but I didn't think it would be a problem. No, I was wrong, BIG PROBLEM. Without my knowledge or consent, Sue monitored all my Facebook activity and messages. She was "worried" because of my abuser. You know, the one that had fled to Japan 7 years ago and who I had blocked on Facebook. That one. When I found out what she was doing, she had the gall to tell me she was doing it for my own good. Not only that, but then this August, I brought it up again because it unfortunately became relevant AGAIN, and she had the audacity to first deny she ever did such a thing. I told her I still had records of it somewhere in my email archive because those things never die. I KNEW I had them, but I hated how I doubted myself for just a second because I was so used to this type of gaslighting. After she realized she couldn't get away with the lie, she played the guilt card again. It was in my best interests. It was because she loved me and was worried. BULL.SHIT. You just fucking lied to my face! You're just trying to cover your ass. What she did was complete disrespect for my boundaries and agency. And that's just one example out of my entire frickin LIFE.

Sue also always made everything about herself. When my flight to Albany for the bar exam was canceled, I panicked, had a meltdown, and cried. Of course, later, Sue would keep saying she was so distraught for me that she also cried. Cool?? Okay??? What, you want a cookie for that or something? Why are you telling me this five times? (I’m not kidding, I counted, it was at least five times.) Or whenever I was having a depressive episode about my abuse, she made it about herself. Oh, she couldn't get up for three days when she first found out, she was so distraught. It was so hard for her to work on my case. Coolcoolcool, okay, well, it was MY BODY HE TOUCHED SO IMAGINE THAT. I used to feel so terrible, and seeing how much it upset her was the one thing that made my sexual abuse really feel intolerable. Now I just want to light Sue on fire every time I think about it. Or any time I was depressed at all, she turned it into a competition. No support, no love. Just, "You don't have a reason to be depressed, if anyone it's ME." OKAY BRO, MORE THAN ONE PERSON CAN BE DEPRESSED, IT'S NOT IDEAL AND IT SUCKS BUT IT'S POSSIBLE!!!!

God and she was so HYPOCRITICAL. One year, I forgot Mother’s Day because first, I think these stupid consumerist holidays are a hollow scam, and second because I was writing a brief for the immigration judge on an asylum case. It was a big case that was very important and could change the landscape. I wasn’t going to slack and throw it. Of course, Sue gets extremely upset despite seeing me work on this nonstop since I got home a week prior or whenever, and later goes into complete screaming neurosis again. Yet, on my birthday, she picked a fight with Dan and turned into an army of screaming banshees and I hid in my room all day to avoid the chaos and her wrath, yet I never complained. And then after she drove out and came back, I played therapist. Did I hold it against her? No, no I didn’t, and the fight really was over something trivial. Yet if I forget Mother’s Day because I’m working on a pressing case, she must once again unleash the army of banshees. I’m really not exaggerating, I cannot begin to describe how she screams, not even my two toddler cousins can match her in volume, harshness, or intensity.

Sue made me play marriage counselor, mediator, and therapist for her. It was the worst. First of all, if you have marriage problems, maybe don’t turn to your child when they’re like 12. Go find a marriage counselor. And stop coming to me every time you have a tantrum (I can’t say fight because it’s always just a one-sided screaming match). Stop unloading on me one-sidedly all the time, it’s not even a conversation anymore when you don’t listen to anything I have to say and just talk about whatever the fuck you want. And stop dragging your husband in front of your children, go get a neutral party for that and stop manipulating us to turn against him. It was always so uncomfortable when she did that. We’d separately tell him in private that we didn’t agree, but any time we tried to really stand up to Sue, she’d start the crazies. Screaming, hitting people, slamming doors, dangerous driving, you name it. I should’ve let her kill herself in a car crash, but that would endanger someone else who doesn’t deserve that.

And there was just the general lack of support for my chosen career path. She always said she never pushed me in any direction and let me choose, but she fails to recognize that "barely tolerating" does not equal actual support. Actually, you can't even say she was tolerating. She didn't like that I wanted to go into public interest. She kept telling me people were going to lie and cheat me, even though there isn't really a way for my clients to cheat me out of anything, just as a practical and logistical matter. She encouraged Dan to join her in speaking about my path like it was some gross fly that had been smeared onto their windshield. I never broke confidentiality, but they would act like they knew my clients and would make disparaging remarks about them simply based on stereotypes and assumptions. When I first got the offer to go to Ghana, I didn't tell her for a week because I knew it would not go over well. When I did finally break the news to her, she pulled out ALL the stops. Crying, guilt-tripping, making it about herself. "Why do my children do this to me?????" she bemoaned. Jesus hell, lady, it's not about you, I’m not doing anything to you I’m just moving to Accra for work. Even if I die in this line of work (which I WON’T??) it’s like, I’m an adult who can make decisions about the direction of my life, sucks. And then she encouraged Dan to disparage Ghana based on stereotypes about the entire continent of Africa. I was going to a "wasteland," and they always said it with such vehemence and force behind their words. That was the truly ugly part, their tone of voice. I corrected them multiple times, saying Ghana was actually quite green, there were beaches, forests, and waterfalls, and that there is actually a sizable Chinese expat community and that I have contacts in Accra and the city is very friendly. My words always fell on deaf ears because they - especially Sue - insisted on their narrow world view. And the irony is Sue always told me I have no life experience, but it honestly seems like the other way around. She told me to buy travel insurance when I need expat insurance. Those two are indeed different things, and it definitely matters which one I get. Don't be stupid, you don't have any life experience.

Oh and she keeps asking for money, like 30k, for costs of raising me and sending me to school. Lmao that bitch can go fuck herself, if anything the ho owes me for IIED.

In conclusion, Sue is a crazy bitch who never should have had children and needs to be contained.

[iconickan]

Five (06/29/2017) - What We All Need to Hear

We are not perfect people. We make mistakes. We say and do things in the heat of the moment, and you either burn along with it or let it shape you. You cannot ask for more from others because the burden becomes too much to bear.

These last months of high school have been an absolute shit show. I believe I can speak for everyone when I say that we have each dealt with feelings, thoughts, and people that became the biggest weight on our shoulders. While some people are resilient and move on, there are others that get left behind in the dust. The people I have spent time with or heard of, unfortunately, were all left in the dust.

The biggest understatement I can make is that high school will come with struggles. Whether these are struggles with friends, classes, or inner battles no one else can seem to understand, we are heavily burdened with the task of trying to figure out these struggles without the guidance of past seniors who know exactly what we’re going through. In the thick of the struggle, as well, comes drama. The kind of drama I have seen, heard, and been a part of are, admittedly, both beyond what I can fathom at 17 and laughable. In a generation of social media, fierce pop culture, and just not giving a fuck unless it has to do with yourself, we get so easily caught up in what we think is right or wrong, we all forget the foundation of humanity we must maintain. This humanity serves as a reminder that we each will carry the struggles of high school beyond graduation day. But even with that reality, it is what we do that will differentiate ourselves from others.

When our delicate egos have to find solace with our headstrong ferocity, this is when shit gets real. I am not going to hide the fact that in times where life only feels like a mantra of survival-of-the-fittest, I will fight tooth and nail to get what I want. I’m sure a lot, if not all, of you feel the same way. That’s where life keeps getting complicated. You are trying your hardest to be the best you can be for others, it will often overshadow the encompassing light we must share. This light, while it seems so superficial in high school, can make or break your entire experience. We all want to shine. We all want to be remembered. We all want to matter. But why does it have to be to the detriment of others? Sharing is a concept our institutions have tried to cultivate in us for 18 years. Yet, it is still a concept most of us cannot grasp. Why is that? I cannot point fingers because we are collectively at fault, but why does even placing blame become difficult to do when we see mistakes unfolding right in front of us? The worst part is when you don’t do anything. The worst part is when you keep letting mistakes happen because we do not want to understand our consequences. But if anything, understand that this is my fault as much as it is yours. There are multiple sides to the same story, yes, but every side is at fault to an extent. We can go back and forth all we want, but what does that do? Is an eye for an eye what you want when we have been blinded by our biases from the start? There are times when we must let our guard down and simply let up. There are times when, as much as we hate to, lay out our flaws for all to see, and simply say that “this is me,” but “I want to change for the better.”

But what about those who take action in the face of adversity? We can glorify how much we have it in ourselves to be the martyr or the mediator of situations, but what do we really know? It is so easy to say or do what we need to in order to feel like we have control. We thrive on feeling like we have the upper hand, but what are we winning? The way I see it, we each get nothing. That temporary feeling of relief you get from letting your frustrations out? Nothing. That feeling of superiority when you’ve called out someone who has done wrong? Nothing. That feeling of accomplishment for saying what you feel will solve everything? Nothing. That feeling of pride in standing back and watching hell unfold? Nothing. These are all fleeting moments that mean nothing when there’s no purpose that supersedes it. You are left empty and unsatisfied when you bring a person down, even when you try to deny it. You are empty and unsatisfied if you think all there is to life is crossing things off your personal agenda. You are empty and unsatisfied when you cannot face the demons that made you evil in the first place. It is a cycle that is not easily broken, and so we fall victim to its urging. You can say and do what you feel you need to, but is it true? Are you saying it out of spite? You are a coward if you cannot fully fulfill or prove what it is you have said and done. You hide behind words, screens, and names you think will save you, when in reality, you have made everything worse. Do not tempt or test me with your accusations when you are just as bad as what you think I have done. Do not judge my character when you cannot even internalize yours. Do not speak for that which you do not know. You do not know me. You have only seen and heard me, but that does no good when you cannot confront me. Confront me. Tempt or test me then. But in the end, it means nothing.

To the people who have been done wrong: I am your ally. I will fight for you even when it does not feel right. I will overstep my boundaries because they have already been crossed. But please know we are all at fault to a point. We like to point fingers, lash out, or cower behind others because it makes us feel safe and innocent. We are all at fault, though. I want, however, for us to see the potential to change. To see what is truly wrong even when that means falling victim to our own pride. To see that things do not have to be this way if we don’t want it. But what if it feels like we are fighting this battle on our own? You change for the better. You change so that mistakes become permanent lessons. You change so that you feel in-control. You change so that light is still yours to keep, but this time, brighter and purposeful. The only thing we are guaranteed is change, so why do we try to fight it? Compromise is yet another concept we fail to understand because we feel like it is ours to shape. Compromise is the back-and-forth that means something. But it must start somewhere. You are that somewhere. You are that start. So fucking do it.