#if I stop the chronic boredom comes yet again and I can’t let that happen

[methoughtsphantom]

Technus confusing small Tim Drake with the ghost child, taking a liking to him and pulling him under his wing to teach him how to hack

[badfey]

is there anything u wish u had known pre-top surgery? I’m trying to schedule mine next yr and I’m worried I rushed into picking my surgeon even tho I looked at a Lot. I’ve got a list of questions to ask but curious if there’s anything you can think of! Thanks, if u get a chance to reply 🥺

firstly congrats and good luck with your top surgery, i hope the wait goes quickly!!

There were a lot of things i wasn’t expecting about top surgery - not necessarily that i wish i’d known in advance, just that i didn’t anticipate. I wrote a document of them not long after surgery which ill post soon and link back to here :) right now ill go through the main stuff i wish i had known, and any questions i had (under a cut because it got long)

Stuff I Wish I’d Known

Some of this depends on how your surgeon does things. I had 6 days before my post-op appointment w chest reveal. 

That first week is tough. Ymmv, but for me it was really hard. I knew that post-op depression was a thing, i didn’t realise what it would feel like. For me it was a lot of being tired and not being able to sleep because of not being able to get comfortable (having to sleep elevated for a few days & pain), so getting more tired and bored but too fatigued to do anything in that classic frustrating cycle. Once i slept decently for the first time i felt human again (nytol is a lifesaver). It’s also tough bc ur sweaty n uncomfortable and u haven’t showered or taken off the post-op binder for a week, and with the dressings and swelling it doesn’t feel like its really happened yet? After chest reveal thats a lot easier

Sometimes moving around you’ll feel something like pull or pop and you get so so paranoid about pulling a stitch i seriously thought id pulled a stitch but its usually like the dressings adhesion or something, you don’t need to freak out. My best friend here was this uk trans fb group because i could search and find years of posts with ppl having the same problems, or ask and ppl would give advice and calm me down, so it’s good to join a community like that ready for if you inevitably get stressed about something (also good for post-op boredom)

You cant use your arms to move. Sounds obvious but like i never realised how much i reflexively rely on using arms to move sitting positions on a bed, and how you need to pay attention to override that impulse. 

Peeing after anesthetic is weirdly hard. It really helps if you practise consciously releasing the specific muscles to pee beforehand 

I was so hungry. I got fed sure (great food too) but i wish i had taken snacks. 

Questions to ask

Im gonna list some stuff that you may already know/have on your list but it might help fill any gaps :) 

When are your post-ops? Are they included in the surgery price? Mine were at 6 days (chest reveal) and 8 weeks (normally 6 weeks but my surgeon was on holiday lol) and both included in the price of surgery (which is standard for here i think). Its good to have rough timeframes in advance so you can plan around it.

Ask about revisions - are they included in the price, what is the timeframe you can get revisions for, how you would start the revision process if you need it? Hopefully you won’t need it but its important to know just in case & so you don’t need to worry about it. I think my surgeon got a bit touchy when I brought up revisions but i was just clear that if I’m getting this surgery and paying a lot of money for it i need to know this stuff in advance which as a professional he should be fine with.

Can you have a say in scar shape and/or nipple size? Usually you can, and this is often at the pre-op when they draw all over your chest before surgery. Don’t feel like you can't weigh in - this is your chest. Also even at consultation they might be able to give you an idea of what your scar/s will look like. 

If you’re getting nipple grafts, ask about their graft success rate!! I was super stressed about my nipples falling off, but my surgeon said that even though stats say about 10% of nipple grafts r unsuccessful, in practise he sees a much smaller percentage than that, and even ones that do reject often grow back (lmk if u wanna know more what i mean) or can just be easily touched up with tattooing. Also if theres anything they recommend for graft success.

Does your surgeon recommend using arnica? Arnica is a homeopathic remedy for bruising, swelling, and wound healing. There’s differing views on whether it actually works, but in my case i took arnica tablets 1 week before and 2 weeks post-op and i think it really helped. They also tasted nice. Some people use arnica gel to aid healing once you can start massaging. 

Where will you be for overnight recovery? Will you be on a ward or in a room? Do you have access to a TV? Do you have access to a plug socket or charging point? Do you get wifi? Chances are you’ll be bored at some point over the time you’re in there, especially if you struggle sleeping. It’s good to know whats available in advance so you can come with things to keep you entertained. 

Does your surgeon use drains? You probably already know/have an idea of this bc its something a lot of ppl consider when choosing surgeons, buts its good to know if you don’t. Also, it can change - I chose my surgeon partially because he only uses overnight drains so you don’t have to deal with them in recovery. When i was there i found out he has stopped using drains altogether for smaller guys so i never actually had them (pleasant surprise). 

Does your surgeon want you to wear a post-op binder? Do they supply the binder? Post-op binders r a good idea they stop swelling soo much, so even if your surgeon doesn’t recommend it i’d definitely ask if it’d be safe for you to wear one. You can't wear regular binders. If you’re sourcing your own, again trans groups r great bc they can give local recs and lots of people sell/pass on their old ones. I am happy to give anyone recs, but they’re all uk based. 

How will you communicate with nurses post-op? Most people don’t live too near their top surgeon, so you’ll probably check-up remotely. I just sent nurses emails of my nips and incisions and anything i was worried about the healing of and they’d let me know if it looked okay. 

If you have any conditions/disabilities/illnesses, ask if they’ve ever operated on someone with them/similar before. I have fibro + hypermobility and tbh it was reassuring to hear him talk about experiences other patients with chronic pain had had before and how they coped.

Okay sorry that was really long, but its pretty much everything i could think of question wise! I hope it helps! Let me know if there’s any other questions you have at all :)

[modern-oedipus]

Covid Vent

No one: Nila, who goes out maybe once in a month due to covid: *listens to coffee shop sounds in youtube to get in mood*  It’s really hard to maintain social isolation now that it has been 5 months. But the cases are going up and up and up, hitting my friends and their families. I myself had to split houses with my mother because she had covid cases in her work place. I don’t think I’d isolate myself this much if I wasn’t in the risk group, but I am. Knowing that I am most likely to go to intensive care and experience the trouble breathing again like I did during the asthma treatment is not good. The potential permanent damage on lungs, for someone like me whose lungs are already more prone to sickness compared to healthy people, is also a big no, considering that I’m only in my early twenties and if everything goes well and I live a normal life I’d live around 50 more years.  50 more years with a disability or isolating myself at home? Isolation, obviously. But this pandemic doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. I am only indoors because both my internships are online & college hasn’t started yet. I know that I’ll eventually have to go out if my college doesn’t switch to online education. It doesn’t scare me at all, though, I am not like, “anxious”. I’m concerned, disturbed, alert, but not in a paranoid anxiety. If I end up catching covid, I’m at least mentally prepared to deal with it. I’m also eating healthy and exercising and don’t really have health problems except for that past-lung-treatments that more or less put me to a risk group (risky enough to concern me, even though I don’t have a chronic illness), so who knows, I might just pass it like a flu as well. No one knows. It’s not good overthinking covid, all I can do is to keep social distancing & mask & hygiene, as always. I’m just so suffocated. I’m more prone to be an extrovert. Before pandemic, I’d only use my house to sleep I’d keep being out in public, attending events, ORGANIZING events, going to coffee shops, club meetings, lots and lots of stage plays, tours, everything. I’d sneak into my friends’ dorms and change cities and just so many more “normal” fun things. I was barely starting to enjoy my life again after the depression healed. Now, I’m mentally ok, but physically trapped. The “watch netflix, read books, stay home” thing is kind of overdosing me right now. I like this shit for a week maybe, not for 5 months. I don’t know how to not risk my mental health while keeping my physical health anymore. Of course, to even HAVE a mental health I need to stay alive, so I’m not complaining- health care workers, people who go to job everyday (including my parents), etc. are in such a harder situation. I know. But my own life is also valid, and while not as troubling and concerning as lives of others right now, well, I think I’m still worth caring, at least by myself. I don’t expect any extra outside compassion or validation (we all are in same situation), me writing my thoughts here is more of me just trying to see my thoughts being worded on screen so that maybe I can come up with a solution to these things as I go. Because I’ve always been a problem-solver rather than just merely venting. (I can’t always solve problems though, I need to work on accepting this fact.) Anyway, I just thought, maybe spending more time outdoors in the natural park that is close to my house could be a good thing. But it’s crowded since it’s outdoors and I really don’t want to share any commonly used areas right now. (I used to be more than okay with this before covid, as I said, I’m mostly extroverted and I like community gatherings, but I like being healthy more), so like... Idk, maybe I can just sort of have phone calls and videochats with my friends as I sit outdoors. Except I don’t even know I have that many friends anymore. I mean, I do- I surely do have bestest of friends in my life that I’m grateful for, but like. I am somehow an introvert magnet and while I’d die for most of my best friends (both irl and online) I don’t really think they are as hype about just chatting as often as I am. (I know that this doesn’t mean they love me any less. They love me in their own way & I love them in their own way so that’s OK.) So like. Maybe Nila, have this BRILLIANT idea of making more friends. Except. Like. You’re at home so you aren’t in much of social gatherings [you aren’t in any! That is insane!] and you don’t really know how to make friends from home. I mean, yes there are online friends but like. EVEN WITH THEM. How can I just *trust* them right away? I can’t, so like. I don’t know. I’m bored af.  On the bright side, today one of my bff from school called me and said he’s back in town and that we should catch up, he’s literally one of the greatest company ever and he wants to see the doggo, so I’m positive we can just have hour 9242309204 hours long in-depth chats again without getting bored (amazing to have people like that in my life). Anyway. I guess the moral of this is:

- I need to accept “the new normal”

- I need to protect myself but try to keep my mental health as good as possible because I like myself more when my mental health is fine and I can also come up with better creations then

- I need to finish my course work (internship) so that I can relax before school starts

- I need to spend more time outdoors but in isolated areas (good luck finding them!) 

- I need to recharge

- I “want to” make more friends or just check up on existing ones! I can’t use the word “need” for this because this would degrade the freedom of the other party. Friends are appreciated, and to some extend, a necessity for social creatures like us, but no “need” will make it happen. I will just make an effort to check up on my existing friends more frequently-- I’m quite selective at this, though, I prefer generally upbringing people who are mature to a certain extend (aka, no obsession, no passive-aggression. yes to personal boundaries, yes to an overall nice attitude [we all can have problems and that’s ok and that’s normal. what /I/ personally don’t wish to be around [with my all respect] is this mindset of “life is a disaster let’s be depressed” thing. I just love love my current friend circle because even if my close friends are just around 7 people, and even if we get depressed or sad or scared, our general look to life is nicer, we don’t make disasters out of regular days, we enjoy talking and chatting, which overall increases our life quality and makes it better. We also communicate & respect & listen to each other and all. I mean. It’s not like that with everyone, and that’s ok, but as I said, this is my personal preference. I prefer having bonds that are good rather than toxic and I am doing my best to be equally good, rather than being toxic to my friends. [I’m sorry I post a lot of Banana Fish to those who don’t know Banana Fish, ok. I know ur bored but like I just cannot help it. I’m trying to tone it down but BANANA FISH.] sOOOOOOOO, SOOOO that’s why it’s not how “i have 29420343204 friends uwu” mindset, like, I noticed I need to be reasonably picky with those I’m close to so that I and people I love can overall have a nice, fun days, which is point of friendship. (I mean. As I said. I’m here on bad days too. But I don’t feel mentally healthy enough to carry the burden of someone else’s depression. It hasn’t even been two months since I’m out of therapy yet, and my mental health is, while not bad, it is fragile. I’d rather not be around those who can [mostly, unwillingly] effect me badly. SO LIKE.  - that’s one hell of a long post nila, but long story short FRIENDS or you’ll die out of boredom

- also just finish your coursework i beg you

- thanks for coming to my ted talk, I actually always offer potential solutions on my vent posts, but this time i wanted to write this publicly [i dont think anyone will read this and i dont mind it] because like. why not? it’s just me thinking and I feel as if this could be of use for some people who are reading this & isolating themselves too. anyway, i love u, stay safe. 

[a-woman-apart]

Gratitude

The “season of gratitude” is upon us. I understand that the holiday Thanksgiving has terrible roots, and I am not trying to excuse any of that when I participate with it. For most of us- but especially for me- the holiday has another meaning entirely. We aren’t thanking God for the slaughter of our “enemies”, but we’re thankful for things like home, family, and friends. In my strict religious household, Thanksgiving was the only holiday that we really celebrated, and it was something that I could look forward to each year. The 2017 Thanksgiving to Christmas holiday season was the last holiday season that I got to spend with my dad before he died. Some of his siblings were able to visit around that time, as well as one friend of his that he had known since college.

Even though this will be my first Thanksgiving without my dad, it isn’t hard for me to find things to be grateful for. I am close with my immediate family, even if I feel the need to tread carefully with them sometimes regarding religious and political issues. We’ve not only been celebrating Christmas and Thanksgiving together, but we’ve also been sharing food and fun for all our birthdays (thanks to my wonderful sister-in-law). I have an associate degree under my belt, and I’m looking forward to continuing my education next year. My boyfriend is a constant source of emotional support for me. Thanks to my mom helping me financially, I don’t have to be burdened with finding new or additional work until 2019.

Despite all these wonderful things, I would be lying if I said that I haven’t struggled with my motivation and mood. I texted my sister-in-law and told her I wasn’t feeling well. I complained that I had slept for 14 hours last night, but still felt tired, and laid out a laundry list of things that were bothering me. I had overspent a little bit and was worried about money (yes, this is even with my mom having helped me out). I tried so hard to be happy but continued “slipping up”.

She first probed me on what might be wrong and suggested going to a movie or spending time with friends. Then she kindly chided me by saying that I should focus on gratitude, and stop worrying about things that I couldn’t control, things to which God says, “Let it go.”  I don’t necessarily believe in divine intervention, but I could appreciate the spirit and wisdom of her words. She said to just believe that my needs would be met. It’s true that I cannot control the fact that my bank accounts are looking a little light these days, but I can have simple faith that I will be able to cut back and/or find a solution.

Her words reminded me of something said by Chris Boutte, of The Rewired Soul channel on YouTube. He said that the extent of his theology is that he simply “believes that things are going to work out.” He didn’t even say that his belief is grounded in the law of attraction, as it is for many people, but he did seem to imply that he believes in “karma”, or the idea that if you do good, good things will happen, and if you do bad then you can expect bad things.  Either way, just having a simple hope in the future is so vital, whether you feel that it’s accurate scientifically or statistically, or not. There is so much that is out of our control, that it is just as easy to focus the mind on the good outcome as the bad one.

Of course, it is very frustrating to continuously war with the pessimistic side of my nature, so much so that I sometimes want to give up entirely. It’s worth noting that calling my depression merely a side effect of pessimism is inaccurate. This doesn’t change the fact that it feels like my own brain is working against me. I had been doing so well with my new medication (Effexor) but today I found myself dealing with suicidal thoughts again. They weren’t “strong”- if that’s an accurate descriptor- but they were sort of rumbling under the surface. There were thoughts like:

“If it’s this much work to be happy, is it really worth it?”

“You’ve been volunteering, using your coping skills, taking walks in the sunshine, and taking new medication, and you still aren’t ‘over’ this yet. Will you ever be?”

“Just look at yourself- still can’t get over your depression. Is life worth living if it isn’t the life you want?”

“Look how tired you are. You’ll never make it through next week.”

I could keep going. It just feels like I’ve been coming up against a brick wall.

I tried to refer to Johann Hari’s book, “Lost Connections.” In the book, he talks about taking antidepressants for over 13 years. During that time, he would experience relief from his depression, but it wouldn’t last. His symptoms would return, and they would increase his dose, and each time the cycle would repeat. In the meantime, he kept gaining weight, he was sweating more and more, and his heart would race. If his depression was just a result of a chemical imbalance in his brain, then why weren’t the drugs working? He finally decided that he would devote himself to investigating the “real” causes of depression.

Johann came up with 9 causes of depression, and all the causes except 8 and 9 had to do with the environment, not solely with the brain or biology. He cited things like lack of meaningful work, lack of meaningful values, poor expectations for the future, unresolved childhood trauma, and lack of connection with other people and nature as some of the causes. It is true that when we experience these things, our brains react in response, but the source is outside, not inside. Even when we do have a genetic predisposition to addiction, depression, or anxiety, those genes are often not activated unless something in the environment triggers them.

These reasons explain why so many- though not all- people respond to antidepressants like Johann Hari did if they are treated only with antidepressants and nothing in their lives changes. They either must continuously increase their dose like he did, or like me, must change medications periodically because the original meds stop working. Note, he did not explore the efficacy of antipsychotics or mood stabilizers, so as far as I know those drugs may have better benefits. I know that I have not had mania or major depression since being on lithium, but my anxiety and dysthymia have persisted for years. Chronic low energy and mood have been an unending struggle.

So, if my problem isn’t just chemicals in my brain being too low or out of sync, then what is the problem? As I went through the list, “Lack of meaningful work” and “Disconnection from a Hopeful Future” kept jumping out at me. I love my job, and it is the most convenient job for me to have while trying to go to school, but I have been there almost 4 years and am dying to do something different. I even wouldn’t mind working at another library. I just want a change of scenery or pace. I am thinking of applying for a new job within the same library that pays a little bit more, but honestly, I would rather just go somewhere new.

It isn’t even that the work isn’t challenging enough or that mere boredom is stopping me. I have plenty of tasks to do most of the time. I just designed new brochures, I do some of the displays every month, and I’m still learning new things. Somehow, though, it’s gotten monotonous, and maybe I should stop trying to apologize for feeling that way about it.

The “Disconnection from a Hopeful Future” thing is also rolled into it, but it also doesn’t make sense to me. I have a hopeful future. I am going back to school in the spring, and that will set me on my way to start getting my bachelor’s degree. Ideally, once I have that I’ll be able to get a better job, start making more money, and finally move in with my boyfriend (if we’re still together then). We could even get a nice place together.

Somehow though, my current situation drains me of hope. I feel stuck when I think of 2+ years of working at this same library and commuting to and from classes every day. Even when I zoom in a little bit closer to now, I think of still having to depend on my mom for the next 2.5 months until I can go back to school and get my financial aid refund, and it fills me with dread. I don’t know why I feel so bad about leaning on her, but I do. Even with her help- and the raise I got from my job- I still won’t have a whole lot of money for extra expenditures. That means I can’t get gifts for everyone like I got them last year. My sister-in-law did point out that it’s not about the gifts, and my family never really celebrated Christmas, so I don’t think they’ll really miss them. It just felt nice to do that for them, so not being able to now feels sad.

Even as I write this, I find myself being drawn to the negative. I want to instead pull the post back in the positive direction. Sure, I don’t have a lot of money for gifts, but my older brother and my sister-in-law have invited me to come over to their house for Christmas. It is our tradition to stay up into the early morning putting together toys for the children. It started with my nephew but now that my niece is 1 year old, I believe that toys for her will be included. That already is something to look forward to. Sooner than that still, my mom’s sister is coming in to town and we will all be spending Thanksgiving together. My own sisters cook various tasty dishes, including a delicious mushroom stuffing that my youngest sister makes. The last thing I want to do is take what should be a beautiful family holiday and turn it into a crisis, and that is exactly what I would be doing if I let these dark thoughts take over my life.

Maybe it feels like I am trapped in a routine, but I’m not. Maybe when I need to take days off work because of my health, it seems like a failure, but it isn’t. I can only control how I am today. I can’t guarantee that I will feel good tomorrow. I can’t guarantee that I will even have a tomorrow. All I can do is be mindful and focus on the present.

Because of The Rewired Soul, and a chapter in Johann Hari’s book, I do want to practice mindfulness and meditation a little bit more. Mindfulness is about just learning to bring your mind back to the present, to really be aware of your surroundings and to exist in the moment. Meditation has been proven to genuinely change your brain chemistry and the way that you think, shifting your focus from negative emotions like jealousy, anger and self-pity and putting you into a more open, compassionate, and joyful state of mind. As everything else that he listed, this is only part of a bigger practice of health and wellness.

I do not know where you’re at this holiday season. Maybe the holidays are a source of pain for you, and I can understand why that might be. Maybe you feel like a hopeful future feels far-off and impossible to get to. Maybe you feel discouraged and alone. I can’t really offer a whole lot of assurance for you, because I’m often in the same boat. All I know is that you must keep breathing, and you must treat every day like it is a new day filled with opportunity. This is hard to do when you’re living paycheck to paycheck, or if you or someone you love is sick, you are struggling to make it through school, and/or you’re working at a job that has little meaning for you. Saying to “hang in there” seems like an empty platitude, but if you think about the alternative, it isn’t great. I say this as much for me as for anybody else- giving up will get you nowhere. There’s always something to be thankful for, however small, and it is the small joys in life- not this big impossible feeling of “having arrived”- that are dependable and can help to pull us through.

[elenatria]

Chris in Sakaarland: Chapter 6

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13839114/chapters/34390026

The following day Chris didn’t ask Taika how he had spent his birthday. He didn’t ask about Jemaine’s sudden appearance. He didn’t even ask him if he was feeling better. He thought all that was irrelevant to his work and if Taika had something to say, well, he’d say it. After all Chris was too tired to care about anything. He had spent the whole night staring at the ceiling.

Taika didn’t bring it up either. Chris thought he should confront him at some point, surely Jemaine had already told him they had bumped into each other in Taika’s front yard the night before but if Taika did know, he seemed to be outrageously calm.

Or just indifferent, Chris thought fiddling with Tessa’s sword.

“Will you stop playing with that dildo?” Taika woke him from his dark thoughts.

“What?...”

“I said, will you stop playing with that dildoooooo,” Taika yelled cupping his hands around his mouth and leaned back on Valkyrie’s comet chair. “Your ADHD is exhausting, bro.”

The set they were working on that day looked like a huge doll house painted green and white and filled with colourful bottles (Valkyrie’s inexhaustible alcohol stash), with its fourth wall missing as if waiting for a gigantic kid to play with his toys. The sarcasm of the situation didn’t escape Chris - the kid was right there with them, a “big kid” indeed, and looking at his own red cape and shiny green epaulettes he suddenly realized how much he looked like a toy. A blown up action figure, a puppet, ready to be played with and tossed away as soon as the kid got bored of him.

A lapdog.

 Chris flinched remembering Taylor’s words.

 But wasn’t that always the case with Taika?

A chronic case of boredom.

Maybe that was one of the reasons why he didn’t just direct his actors like any normal director would do; he would befriend them, win their trust, make them fall in love with him and do everything he wanted - and all that “for the sole purpose of controlling them”. Those were his exact words.

Taika liked to call that honesty.

Chris called it cynicism.

He understood now how cruel that method was, cold and calculating, as he relived every moment he had spent with his director through the eyes of an insecure control freak who got under his actor’s skin and into his bed only to collaborate better with him, to get a better performance.

Or just to get another ego trip.

This was just a game after all and Chris had made it all too easy for him, hadn’t he.  

 He put the Dragonfang back on the table next to some bottles and a bowl of grapes.

“You distracted today, Chris?” Taika murmured raising a concerned brow as he flipped a page of the script. “You said ‘Mark’ instead of ‘Banner’ twice.”

The pencil with the pineapple topper was in his hands once again, scratching under his lip. Chris remembered how stressed, insecure and obsessed Taika looked chewing on all those pens and pencils while he struggled for days to stay away from him, trying to persuade himself to never touch his gorgeous leading man again. Whenever he fell asleep on Taika, exhausted after having spent the whole evening finding new ways to make him orgasm as Taika moaned in delightful pain and ecstasy, whenever he saw his beautiful Māori name glimmer on the phone, those chewed pens, scattered all over the floor, would come back to him like a fond memory, like a tiny detail from the early days of their relationship that reminded him how tormented Taika had felt about keeping this up, this sweet sinful thing, this… secret. Chris used to feel so proud of those chewed pens.

But now he knew the real reason behind Taika’s guilt, the reason why he tried to stay away from him after the first time they made love in Chris’ trailer, the reason why there were all those chewed pens scattered all over the floor.

It was Jemaine.

How ironic this was. There was not a single trace of biting on the pineapple pencil because Taika was calm as a breeze, his immaculate white shirt with the blue tie reflecting his mood and sending a very clear message: life was simple. He had achieved what he wanted. He had fucked his protagonist in every possible position, in every possible way, and he knew very well he was settled in Chris’ thoughts for as long as he wanted, as long as the filming lasted. As long as it was necessary.

There was nothing left to do; mission accomplished. Life was as simple and uncomplicated as a blue tie on a white shirt.

Taika spoke again but Chris didn’t hear him - all he could think of was smashing that smug and calm pineapple pencil to pieces.

“Yes I’m good, I’m good,” he answered after a few seconds swiping a hand across his beard as he avoided Taika’s eyes. He glanced at the big grey chest on the other side of Valkyrie’s apartment, a dozen chains all over it.

“Where’s Tom?”

“Oh I’m sure he’ll come,” Taika reassured him hastily turning another page. “We don’t need him anyway.”

“What did you say?...”

Taika blinked idly at Chris’ unexpected reaction. “I said we might not need him today. We’re doing your close-ups. You know, Thor’s childhood memory.” He got up as Mark, Chris and Tessa gathered round him for some spontaneous brainstorming on what the scene should be like, and he asked Chris what he thought of the idea of Thor talking about Loki’s prank when they were kids.

“Yeah, I think it’s awesome, let’s do it,” Chris said clapping his hands impatiently.

“I didn’t ask you if it’s awesome, I know it’s awesome, it’s my idea,” Taika quipped with his usual cockiness. “I asked what you think Loki should turn into before stabbing Thor.”

“What?... Oh. Right. Well, he could turn into a frog, right?”

“Naaah, we’ve already talked about that during the play scene in Asgard. Anything else?”

“A pigeon?”

Taika wiggled his nose, undecided. “Not funny enough. Think, Chris, think.”  

Chris felt his cheeks flushing. “A flat tire? A piano? A safe? A submarine? What, Taika, what?” he snapped raising his voice with each word, agitated. “Tell me what you want me to say and I’ll say it, I’ll fucking say it, just decide, okay?”

Taika furrowed his brow. “Whoa. Are we in a mood today,” he muttered with a scornful look as he sat down on the grey chest where Loki’s place should be.

Tom’s place.

“No, I’m cool,” Chris said rubbing his brow, regretting every word. “It’s just that I had a rough night, mate, I’m sorry. Won’t happen again. Just a bit of a headache, that’s all.”

Taika considered him for a while as he scratched his chin with the pineapple pencil thoughtfully before returning to his notes, shrugging. “I could give you a massage later today if I’m not too busy.”

Chris glared at him, wondering if that was yet another invitation for casual sex or if Taika was just trying to get rid of him and his “headache” because he was just too busy to care.

Too busy filming, too busy with Jemaine waiting on him back at his house by the sea; right now he was probably preparing dinner for two or something.

Judging by Taika’s indifferent absent-minded tone, Chris decided it was the latter.

“It’s ok, Taika,” he growled through his teeth and turned his back on him. “Wouldn’t want to keep you from your work...”

 ***

 It was finally lunch break. Chris hurried out of the set before anyone else and entered the cafeteria with plenty of empty tables to choose from. He chose the one at the far end of the room, the most isolated one.

He had never coveted lunch break like he did now. It wasn’t the food itself, he was still on a diet eating chicken, brown rice and broccoli, sometimes switching to vegan with beans and veggie burgers. He just wanted this day to be over and stay as far away from people as possible. Everyone said his performance was flawless, his improvisation hilarious, but isn’t that what friends and colleagues always told him?

Apart from Taika of course. Taika was relentless.

Chris could always tell when someone was sucking up to him and he’d make them stop right away, but he could also tell when his performance wasn’t perfect, when friends were just pulling their punches for him just because he was in a mood. It didn’t happen often but when it did, he felt terrible. And what he did today for the cameras… it just wasn’t enough.

He heard a tray being dragged next to his and lifted his heavy forehead from his clenched fist.

“Moody today, bro?”

Taika’s slender figure slid next to him on the bench, an amiable tight-lipped grin spreading from ear to ear, if not a little forced.

And fake.

Chris went back to his meal, torturing a piece of broccoli with his fork. If he could slice it to any smaller particles than he already had, soon that cafeteria would witness a nuclear fission.  “Nah, just tired. Sorry for earlier,” he said grumpily.

“Not a prob.”

Chris turned to Taika. He knew the director was there to stay so he might as well start the conversation himself. “Did you have that on this morning?” he said nodding at Taika’s red shirt with the white flowers.

“No,” Taika shrugged. “Different mood, different outfit.”

“Huh. So what does that shirt say about you now?’

“Nothing. Just in a good mood. Nice things are happening, the filming is going well,” he said rubbing his thighs with enthusiasm. “Can’t say the same about your mood though.”

So that’s how it was going to be, Chris thought. Even if he was reluctant to confront Taika about the previous night Taika wasn’t giving him a choice. Maybe he wasn’t as thick-skinned as Chris thought, sensing the hostility on set and wanting to do something about it. Or maybe he just couldn’t have his leading man pouting and scowling all day, it was counter-productive and it sure didn’t look good on camera. “Time to be a director” and all that.

Taika was willing to be his friend, his lover, his therapist – and it was all part of the filming process.

Chris sighed and let go of his fork; splitting the broccoli’s atom would have to wait.

“Look, mate, I think we should take a break for a while,” he said letting out a deep breath, dreading Taika’s reaction.

“Take a break from what?”

Chris glared up at him. He was starting to wonder if Taika was there to talk things out or piss him off even further.

“From… this,” he said moving his finger nervously back and forth, pointing at them both.

Taika jerked his head back with his big brown eyes open wide, startled at Chris’ words. “What do you mean take a break? Why?”

He really wanted to push it, didn’t he.

“Well I mean… it’s not going anywhere, is it?” Chris slurred.

That was not what he meant to say. He wanted to talk about the bespectacled man with the sideburns and the gap-toothed smile that he had seen in Taika’s yard the previous night.

Even thinking about his name hurt.

Taika burst into laughter shoving away his tray to avoid landing face first into his Bolognese. He just sat there laughing for a while, squeezing his eyes, shoulders shaking uncontrollably, his crazy giggling making quite a few heads turn.

“Where exactly do you want ‘this’ to go, Chris? The altar? Moving in together? A… flatting situation?”

Taika was quoting “What we do in the shadows” now, that’s how funny this situation was to him. And it was driving Chris insane.

“Alright. Forget it. Forget I ever mentioned it.”

He got up.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Taika said grabbing his wrist.

He looked up at Chris and his eyes were dark and piercing. He wasn’t giggly anymore. It was as if every single giggle had been squeezed out of him.

Chris averted his eyes, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, biting his lip in an effort to not say another word. Words would do more harm than good right now.

But Taika was determined to not let it go. “Hey, man, look into my eyes,” he urged him. “LOOK INTO MY EYES, CHRIS.”

Chris shook his head slowly struggling to be polite but his smile looked more like a wince. “I’m not in the mood, Taika.” He didn’t know how much longer he could stay calm.

“I don’t care what you are. I said look into my eyes,” Taika said firmly, squeezing Chris’ wrist even harder.

Then he let go. With a heavy heart Chris turned to look at him.

“Are you… falling in love with me?...” Taika said, a trace of fear turning his voice into a doubtful squeak.

Chris felt his stomach twisting into a knot. That wasn’t the kind of sweet doubt that comes out of the lips of a lover too insecure to believe he had finally found true love. It was the jaded surprise of someone who had been too honest all his life to let anyone misjudge his intentions. And Chris knew that. He wanted to forgive him but he remembered it wasn’t just his fault if they were having this conversation now. It was also Taika’s with all his lies about meeting Jemaine the previous night, the on-and-off life-long partner who was probably done making dinner for two and was calling Taika to see how he was, if Chris could judge by the buzzing that was coming from Taika’s pocket.

“Will you answer that?” he said agitated trying to change the subject.

“Not unless you answer yours,” Taika replied pointing at Chris pocket. His phone was buzzing too but Chris was too angry to notice.  

“Answer the call, Taika, you never know who might be calling you. Might be a matter of life and death,” he said sarcastically. “Might be your ‘father.’”

“YOU answer the call, Chris. Between the two of us you’re the one who should worry about his… well, his loved ones. And you’re just not answering that call. Pick up the goddamn phone!”

He seemed pretty concerned now but Chris had no idea what he was talking about. Probably evading as usual.

“I’m – I’m not answering the fucking call,” Chris said moving back and forth, undecided on whether he should listen to Taika or walk away, or just punch him in the face. “And stop repeating what I say, this is not about me.”

Taika took his phone out of the pocket to see who it was but didn’t let Chris see the name on the screen.

“Man, you desperately need that massage session,” Taika murmured, already distracted by his phone. “Too bad I can’t accommodate you today.”

“Fuck off, Taika,” Chris spat and walked out of the cafeteria, rushing by Mark and Tessa who wanted to invite him to their table, ignoring the persistent buzzing in his pocket.

Until it went silent again.