#if I hadn’t just bought more drama cds

[cocotome]

These Animate goods are to celebrate Cael’s birthday!!!

[whereisten]

I Think We’re Alone Now

A Jaemin fic that’s part of our Halloween Series! 

Summary: Your Spring Break plans change at the last minute when the campus heartthrob asks you to join him and the popular kids to your nemesis’ cabin. 

Pairing: college student! Jaemin x female reader 

Genre: romance, angst, mystery, suspense, horror, crime

Word Count: 7.4k 

Warnings: Bullying, body image mention, gore, violence, death

(A/N): SHOUTOUT TO MY GIRL KRYS FOR THIS DELICIOUS MOODBOARD. SHE IS AN AMAZING ARTISTE. I AM IN AWE. I hope my story does this moodboard justice and I hope you guys enjoy! Thank you for the support! 

___

Spring Break was imminent for the kids of Guang University. It was your freshman year and your friends all had different plans. You planned to stay home and get a head start on your homework and catch up on all of your favorite Korean dramas.

You headed out of the school with Haechan, your best friend. He had plans to go visit his family in South Korea for a couple of days. You were bummed that your closest friend wouldn’t be in town for the break.

“You sure you don’t want to come to Seoul with me? We might bump into Ji Chang Wook. You never know.” Ji Chang Wook was your celebrity crush.

You balanced your giant biology textbook while you tried to find your phone. “That’s tempting but I have a big exam right after break and I’ve been behind for weeks...So now I have to cram.”

Haechan sighed. “Y/n, you need to give yourself some down time.”

You frowned. “What are you talking about?”

Haechan sighed. “You haven’t come out to any parties in the past two months.”

You sighed. “Well...”

Haechan whined. “You’re supposed to be my party buddy...”

“Well, party buddy, then explain Daniela, Hazel, and Ally,” you said, calling out your best friend for not being so lonely at these parties after all.

“I-“ Haechan started.

Before Haechan could explain, a group of girls you’d tried so hard to avoid walked by and “accidentally” bumped into you, making you drop your book to the ground.

The girl who bumped into you turned and laughed. “I’m SO sorry. Maybe if you didn’t take up so much space, it wouldn’t have happened.”

The other girls laughed as they began to saunter off.

You groaned. You thought bullies retired once they graduated from high school when reality finally gave them a slap to the face.

Well, unfortunately for you, the mean girls from your old high school were smart enough to get into your dream school so you now occasionally saw them. And worse, shared a biology lab with them. The head of the pack, Heather, always had it out for you for always beating her for the best grade in class. You’d get a 94 and she’d get a 93. You were just happy to get an A and she was furious she wasn’t number 1. You guessed it had to do with her superiority complex and how she had to please her wealthy parents.

Haechan yelled, “Heather, what the hell-“

Heather started, “What? It’s a simple observation.”

Well, not everyone could be a size 0 like Heather. You knew that you had a healthy body shape. Sure, you know you could use improvements but you were human. No one was perfect. Nothing Heather could say could make you think she was right. She was just a hater.

“Have a nice break, Heather. Maybe your dad will finally come home,” you said as you grabbed Haechan’s hand and walked off.

“Hey! y/n, get back here!” Heather demanded. Her dad and her mom were separated for a while now and he was never home to spend time with his precious daughter.

Heather’s bark had always been bigger than her bite. So you didn’t let her words get to you. Not anymore.

___

Haechan went home while you waited to call an Uber to take you to the record store across town.  You may as well go out and do one fun thing before you hunkered down at home for the break.

That was when you heard someone sobbing hard. And you couldn’t help but find the source.

The boy sat down on a bench by the bus stop. It was the campus heartthrob, Na Jaemin. You’d shared a couple of lectures with him this year. He was very sweet, always had something to compliment you on. Your hair, your lipstick, your outfit.

Well, then he would proceed to ask for help with assignments but you appreciated getting paid with flattery.

You frowned. “A-are you okay?” You started. “Do you need help?”

Jaemin looked up as tears ran down his beautifully sculpted face. His eyes widened at the sight of you. He wiped his tears away with his jacket sleeve. He shook his head. “Y/n! Hey, I’m…okay…I just-“

You sat down beside him and pulled an unopened bottle of water out of your backpack. You handed it to him. “Here.”

He looked down at it and asked, “Are you sure?”

You nodded. “Go ahead.”

“Thank you,” he said, managing a half-smile.

He drank from it as you waited.

He exhaled in satisfaction. “Thank you, y/n. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you like this. School and work have been so stressful…I just needed to let it all out.”

You hesitated before you put a hand on his back. You moved it gently against his muscular upper back. “I’m sorry…Do you…wanna talk about it?”

Jaemin froze and debated telling you. “I got fired from my job…” He admitted.

You removed your hand from his back. “Jaemin, that’s terrible…I’m so sorry…What happened?”

He shook his head. “The boss was kinda harsh. I couldn’t take it. I slipped up once and I got the ax.”

You tried to meet his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Jaemin.”

Jaemin managed a smile for you. “Thank you, y/n. You’re always sweet. Always good. I’m glad you’re here with me.” He placed a hand over yours.

This may or may not have made you want to scream with excitement. But your better judgment told you to contain yourself because Jaemin was upset.

Your little moment was interrupted by Heather and her cohorts.

Heather stood in front of Jaemin, noticing his red eyes “Oh, Nana, what’s wrong?”

Jaemin didn’t look all that thrilled to see Heather either. “It’s nothing…Don’t worry about it.”

“Because if y/n is bothering you, she should leave. Isn’t that right, y/n?” Heather turned to you with her hands on her hips.

You were about to snap when Jaemin beat you to it. “Actually, Heather, she’s not. So what can I do for you so you can leave faster?”

Heather looked at her group in shock. Her minions all let out audible gasps and whispers. “Jaemin...”

“I’m waiting,” Jaemin said, a new commanding tone overtaking him.

“We wanted to know if you’re coming to my cabin this weekend.” She tried to come off flirtatious but after his rebuff, she was confused.

“Maybe,” Jaemin replied, “If y/n comes.”

“What?” You and Heather exclaimed.

“I’ll go if y/n goes,” Jaemin said resolutely.

You started, “Jaemin, I-”

Jaemin interrupted. “I need this, y/n. A time to get away. And if you come, I would love it…” He said softly, almost intimately…Like no one else was around.

You’d had a crush on Jaemin since the first day of Intro to Theater. Jaemin was a tremendous actor. He was an excellent Demetrius to your Helena in your act for A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

Jaemin was always so nice. You thought the most he would do for you is give you a dollar for the vending machine. And that would’ve made your heart soar to the moon.

It was odd that you were considering going somewhere to hang out with Heather and her friends...But you did want to get to know Jaemin more.

What about your homework?

Well, it could wait.

And what about Heather?

Well, pissing off Heather was a hobby of yours.

One of Heather’s friends coughed. And Heather rolled her eyes. “Fine. Meet at my house at 7 AM tomorrow.”

___

Your older sister Sophie drove you to Heather’s. “Why are you going to Lucifer's spawn’s cabin?”

You sighed. “Because a cute boy asked me to.”

Sophie put the car in park right in front of Heather’s mansion. She looked at you in disbelief and fascination. “A boy?”

You said, “He wanted me to come.”

Sophie laughed. “Well, y/n, he must be very cute if you’re willing to hang out with Her Royal Darkness.”

“Like her ego, I’m sure the cabin is big enough so I don’t have to see her.”

You were both so distracted that you didn’t notice Jaemin knock on your passenger side window. He smiled brightly. Wow, he looked incredible for someone who woke up and texted you good morning at 5:30 AM.

“Wow,” your sister said, in shock from Jaemin’s beauty. She rolled down your window.

“Ready to go, y/n?” Jaemin asked. You saw the expectant look in his eyes. He was radiant and much more relaxed. You were so happy to see him. He seemed to feel a lot better.

“Jaemin, this is my older sister, Sophie,” you said, “Sophie, this is my friend Jaemin.”

They shook hands and Sophie muttered, “You better tell me everything when you get back. And that I am the maid of honor at your wedding.”

“Bye, Sophie! We’ll go on our run together when I come back on Sunday, okay?” You said louder to deflect from what Jaemin could’ve overheard. You and Sophie ran together every weekend for stress relief and bonding time. You got out of the car and hoped Jaemin hadn’t heard anything.

Jaemin offered to give you a ride on his Jeep Explorer to Heather’s cabin, much to Heather’s disappointment. Heather’s friends were riding with her.

You and Jaemin had fun on the road for two hours, just the two of you. You enjoyed some old school Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and Britney Spears. You snagged the CDs from your sister’s collection.

“Every little thing I do never seems enough for you!” You and Jaemin sang.

You too had gotten off the route to get snacks at a convenience store and because Jaemin needed to fill up his tank. He insisted you put your wallet away. He bought all of your favorite junk food essentials: M&Ms, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, Coke, Orange Fanta. This boy knew his way into your heart.

“So, y/n, what’s your end goal in life?” He asked as he continued the route to Heather’s cabin. “You strike me as an aspiring pediatrician...Saving the children!”

You laughed at his enthusiasm. “I’d like to be a physical therapist. My parents got into a car accident when I was nine...My mom was fine but my dad broke his right leg and right arm. He needed to get physical therapy in order to walk properly again...I went with him to almost all of his appointments. I have a lot of respect for physical therapists after how much they helped him…”

“I’m glad your dad recovered,” Jaemin said as he gave you a quick smile before gluing his eyes back onto the road.

“Me, too...But...my end goal in life? Honestly, I just want my own space to dance around in...With no shame.”

Jaemin chuckled. “No shame, huh? Does that mean you’re a terrible dancer?”

You smacked him. “No. Well, I’m sure there are worse dancers.”

He laughed harder. “Okay...I believe you.”

You laughed. “What about you, Jaemin? What’s your end goal?”

He sighed. “Start up my own content-creating company...I’m into traveling and uncovering hidden gems. Be the next big thing after Buzzfeed Unsolved.”

“Those are some pretty big shoes to fill…” You started.

Jaemin sounded unsure. “Yeah…”

You smiled, “I know you can do it. You’ve got a subscriber in me.”

Jaemin faked a tear. “You have no idea how much that means to me.”

You both laughed again as you reached for the M&Ms and your hands touched. You quickly pulled away, embarrassed. But Jaemin smiled to himself.

Jaemin said, “But as cheesy as it sounds...I want to get married, get a big house, and fill it with twelve children.”

You coughed. “Twelve? Are you and your future wife thinking of splitting the pregnancies up?”

Jaemin laughed. “Okay, maybe not twelve...But a family of my own is my dream. My parents split up when I was five so...I’ve split my time between two homes and it was an awkward feeling, especially after both of my parents remarried.”

“Oh…” You said. You couldn’t exactly sympathize with him because your parents were happily married so you didn’t want to say anything that could rub him the wrong way. That was the last thing you wanted.

“I want to be with that one person...For the rest of my life...When I meet her, I’ll know.” He said, giving you a meaningful look.

You had no idea how to process that so you took a sip of your blue raspberry ICEE and held it in the air, awkwardly. “Here’s to you finding your soulmate someday.”

He chuckled. “Thank you.”

___

You arrived at Heather’s summer home...Well, she called it a cabin. But it was actually a mansion by the beach. It was gorgeous. Something straight out of a movie. It looked like it could be its own hotel resort. You realized that there was a good chance you’d have your own room.

“This house is huge!” You exclaimed.

Jaemin looked along with you as he handed you your bag. “What a shame. I was hoping we would room together.” He said softly into your ear.

You turned to him in shock and he shot you his infamous flirty grin. This boy had you thinking he liked you and he’d better stop before you tried to kiss him.

Heather handed everyone keys to their bedrooms. “If any of you lose this copy, I can’t help you.” She made sure to say that as she handed you your keys.

You went up the stairs of the beach house and chose the last room on the left. You were unlocking the door to your room when someone from behind you tapped you on the shoulder.

“Hey, you’re y/n, right?” You recognized Yangyang from your mandatory PE class. You both took Intermediate Swimming, a class where as long as you flailed in the water and passed the easy quizzes, you’d be guaranteed an A.

You nodded. “And you’re…”

He said, “I’m Yangyang. It’s so nice to see you here!”

“You, too,” you said, averting your eyes once again. Yangyang was pretty attractive and you hoped he didn’t remember you and your Sailor Moon one piece. You always tried to be one of the first in the water and the last to leave when it came to your swimming class.

Even though Heather’s comments were nothing to you, it didn’t mean you were completely immune to the hurt it caused.

“You were in Coach Emerson’s swim class, right? You had the iconic Sailor Moon swimsuit.”

And there went the rest of your hopes and dreams. “Y-yeah…”

He laughed. “Don’t be embarrassed. I had Dragon Ball Z swim trunks.”

“Really?” You said.

Yangyang pretended to be hurt and winced. “I thought you’d be the one to notice.”

“Well...I’m not exactly looking at anyone’s...body…” You said, cringing at your words.

He laughed. “Fair point. I just liked the pattern. Your favorite character is Sailor Mars, right?”

You nodded, “Hell yeah. She’s the best.”

“I’m more of a Sailor Venus guy, myself,” he replied.

“Good taste. But all of the Sailor Scouts are queens,” you started.

“No question,” Yangyang said. “Hey, do you-” His phone started to ring. “Sorry, y/n...I gotta take this.”

You waved goodbye to him and entered your spacious bedroom. As much as Heather despised you and you despised her, her family had excellent taste in real estate. The queen-sized bed was plush like a cloud straight from heaven. You pulled the window up to feel the ocean breeze. It was paradise.

You heard a knock at your door an hour later. It was Jaemin.

“Wanna go for a walk?” He asked.

“Sure!” You said, having already changed into a sundress.

Jaemin thought you looked stunning. Well, you always did. He was so happy to be here with you. Otherwise, he may not have gone on this trip.

Jaemin led you to the beach where you let your toes touch the water. He teased you by splashing you. And you splashed him back until you both were soaked.

You both laughed so hard that you toppled over each other, you on top of Jaemin. You both stared at each other for a long time. Jaemin closed his eyes, his long eyelashes caressing his cheeks. He waited for you to kiss him.

You moved closer and your lips met his. His lips tasted salty thanks to you and your merciless splashing. But the kiss was everything. It was fireworks at the end of a perfect night. It was hot chocolate on a warm winter night. It was like an angel held you and you snuggled against his wings. The kiss was perfect.

You two let go and Jaemin bit his lip. “So.”

You stood there, frozen. “So…”

“So...we did that.”

You nodded. “Indeed we did.”

“Thoughts?” He looked at you with his big brown eyes.

You cleared your throat. “Well...I certainly wouldn’t mind doing that again.”

Jaemin’s big gorgeous goofy smile came back full force at hearing you. He cupped your face in his hands and was about to kiss you again.

“Guys!” Naeun called out to you. “Have you seen Yangyang?”

You and Jaemin pulled yourselves apart. You answered, “Last time I saw him was when he went to his room. Is everything okay?”

“He wasn’t answering his phone...And I found it in his room.” She held up his phone that had a Dragon Ball Z pop socket on the back of it.

You frowned. “That’s weird.”

Jaemin offered. “Maybe he went for a walk. Got some fresh air?”

“Maybe…” Naeun thought and you nodded. “If you see him, tell him I’m looking for him and that I’m pissed.”

“Okay,” you said.

Naeun stomped away, frustrated.

“Now where were-” you started.

Jaemin already pulled you in for another kiss. He pinned you down against the shoreline and trailed your neck with his kisses.

You breathed heavily as you held him tightly.

He looked at you, as if asking you something.

You gave him a look. “What’s up?”

“Do you want to…” His eyes moved down to his pelvic region where his member was protruding through the fabric of his trunks.

Your eyes widened at how big he was. And your eyes nearly popped out of your head when you realized what he was asking. “Oh…”

Jaemin waited for you patiently.

Things were moving too fast. You were more than happy to kiss Jaemin all night but you really weren’t ready to have sex. Not tonight, anyway.

You already knew the answer. “I’m sorry Jaemin. I do like you but...I’m...not ready. I should go…” You got up but Jaemin stopped you. It was like a romantic Korean drama scene, except instead of your wrist ...He grabbed your ankle.

“It’s okay...You don’t have to go. Please don’t go…” He begged as he made a puppy dog pout.

You laughed, relieved. “Okay okay...You can stop making that face.”

Jaemin pouted his lips even more. “What face?”

You rolled your eyes and splashed him. You and Jaemin spent a couple of hours on the beach, kissing and talking. You wrapped up and he walked you to your bedroom.

___

You woke up early the next morning to hear screaming and crying. You got out of bed and ran out the door.

“What’s wrong?” You asked, finding Naeun devastated on the floor. Heather sat down with her on the ground and consoled her.

“Yangyang…” She said between sobs. “He’s gone!”

Renjun looked grave as he handed you his phone. “We all got these messages. Did you, y/n?”

You looked at what was on Renjun’s phone screen and there was a video of Yangyang, bound up and gagged. Tears streamed down his eyes. He mumbled loudly for help.

Tears fell out of your eyes. “What the hell is this?”

You couldn’t believe it. You’d just had a whole conversation with him yesterday. He was friendly and funny…

And now he was like this.

Jaemin replied, “Someone’s idea of a sick joke...I don’t recommend looking at the rest of the story, y/n…”

You ignored him and kept watching. The next video pointed to a wall and you could hear Yangyang clearly now...He was yelling. “No! Who are you? Why are you doing this? Stop! Nooooooo!” The video cut off after that. The last picture was of Yangyang with his throat slit with text that read: “Wonder who will be next...It’s anyone’s guess, really. 🧐 #springbreak2020”

You ran into the bathroom and threw up. The rest of the group followed you into the bathroom. “Well, y/n?” Tzuyu started.

“Well, what?” You asked.

“Show us your phone,” Tzuyu demanded.

“Why?” You asked.

Jaemin intervened, “Why are you guys ganging up on her?”

“We’ve checked everyone’s phones...Now we want to see y/n’s,” Tzuyu said, a vindictive look in her eyes.

“Fine,” you said. You pulled it out of your pocket and you were shocked to find the messages on your phone.

“Someone sent them to her, too. She’s as innocent as the rest of us,” Renjun said.

Tzuyu frowned. “Okay…”

She seemed disappointed that you weren’t the culprit. You wondered why Tzuyu hated you. She was merely one of Heather’s followers so you guessed she would hate anyone Heather hated no matter what.

Still, this didn’t alleviate any of your worries. Someone kidnapped and murdered Yangyang overnight. And whoever that was remained close by.

And they weren’t finished.

Unfortunately for all of you, your cell reception was weak so you couldn’t contact the police. You were on the verge of a panic attack.

Renjun decided, “We should try going to the next town to get reception.”

Tzuyu started, “You are not leaving me here.”

“Fine, we’ll go together.” He said as they both walked off and borrowed Heather’s car.

___

You sat in the living room, scared to be in your room all alone. Hell, you didn’t mind being with Heather and Naeun. Jaemin was making lunch in the kitchen for you guys.

It had been a few hours since Renjun and Tzuyu left. Now you were all getting worried. The next town wasn’t that far off, according to Heather. So something was up.

And you wondered if it had been a good idea for them to leave. Maybe they had been just as much in danger as the rest of you. Whoever the killer was...He had resources to be anywhere at any time. It gave you shivers.

“Y/n, can you get Naeun a glass of water?” Heather asked you.

You nodded and met Jaemin in the kitchen. You asked him once again, “Are you sure I can’t help with anything?”

Jaemin shook his head. “I’ve got this.” He said as he finished making lasagna.

You got a glass of water for Naeun. “Jaemin, I’m scared,” you said.

Jaemin looked rattled up, too, but he seemed to be holding it together for the rest of you. And it meant a lot to you.

The four of you sat down to eat quietly. Naeun barely took a bite of her lasagna.

Not too long after, she started wheezing. Hives broke out onto her skin. “Epi...Pen...Heather.”

Heather jumped out of her seat. “I’ll go get it!”

“Oh God,” you panicked. “You need air! Let’s go outside, Naeun.”

You and Jaemin helped her out to the front door so she can breathe better. You were praying Heather found her EpiPen soon.

Heather returned, upset, “Are you sure it’s in your purse? I couldn’t find it.”

Naeun nodded. “Yes…”

When you realized Naeun’s EpiPen was missing, you ran up to your room and grabbed yours. “I brought mine!”

“Hurry up!” Heather said.

You ran back down and Naeun was able to get the injection she needed to recover from her reaction.

Heather took Naeun up to her room to recover.

“I wonder what Naeun was allergic to…” You said to Jaemin.

Jaemin frowned. “I don’t know...I had no idea she had severe allergies. Maybe it was in one of the ingredients but I’m not sure which one…God, I feel terrible.” He put his face in his hands.

“Hey, it’s okay...It was an accident...She’ll be okay,” you said as you hugged him.

“It was a good thing you had your EpiPen, y/n...You’re amazing…”

“Or I just have severe allergies, too,” you said.

He laughed awkwardly. “Right…”

Even more hours passed. Renjun and Tzuyu haven’t returned. Everyone was antsy.

You and Jaemin were going to go out and look for them but you were shocked to find his tires had been slit recently.

This wasn’t a coincidence. The killer was watching your every move. You wondered if he had gotten to Renjun and Tzuyu. Your throat dried up at just thinking that.

You and Heather grabbed weapons from her father’s shed, which included gardening shears and hunting rifles.

Heather taught you how to handle the rifle. You both went back into the house with your weapons in tow. You all made sure to shut all of the windows and close all of the doors. You scoured the entire property. No one can come in. And no could come out. You hoped there wasn’t some random secret entrance to this house that rich people always seemed to have in the movies. You all reluctantly headed to bed.

You sat up on the edge of your bed. You were comfortable in a concert tee and some shorts. You wanted to wear something that would be easy to run in. Just in case the killer would come for you next.

Jaemin was at your door. “Hey…Heather and Naeun both fell asleep.”

“How can they be asleep...I can’t sleep knowing that that bastard is out there…” You said.

Jaemin walked into the room. “Can I sit with you?”

You nodded. “Jaemin, what are we going to do...We can’t just stay here. We're sitting ducks. Renjun and Tzuyu are just gone...And we don’t know when or even if they're coming back…”

Jaemin rubbed your back in small circles. His touch was distracting. Kissing Jaemin would be a great distraction.

Making love to him would be even better.

That would be ridiculous. The last thing you wanted to do was have sex when a murderer was afoot. That would be a total cliche.

Jaemin replied. “I’m sorry, y/n...I think our best bet is to wait it out until morning and go to the next town on foot.”

You nodded. “Yeah...Maybe daytime will be safer.”

Jaemin nodded. “Why don’t you go to sleep and I’ll take the first shift?”

“Really?” You asked.

“Yeah, I’m wired. I had three cups of coffee in the past hour. You need to rest, y/n.” Jaemin said as he pulled the covers over you. “I’ll come back to wake you. I’ll be on guard.” He grabbed one of the hunting rifles he left outside the door.

“Thank you,” you said as you shut your eyes. Sleep quickly took over.

___

You were quickly shaken awake. “Y/n get the fuck up!” Heather hissed.

“Heather?” You exclaimed.

She shushed you. “Shut up. You need to come with me right now.”

“What’s wrong?” You whispered.

Heather made sure your door was locked before she returned back to you. “Naeun is dead.”

You looked carefully at Heather and had seen that she’d been crying. “What?” You asked. “That’s impossible.”

“We shouldn’t have left her alone. She said she was fine. She seemed fine. I went to check on her and...she wasn’t breathing. And...I think she was smothered, y/n.”

“Wait...Are you saying…”

“The killer is Jaemin,” Heather said.

“What? Why would you say that?” You shook your head.

“Think about it, y/n. None of us has good reception here so how is that we got those texts about Yangyang? The killer had to be in close proximity to us. Tzuyu and Renjun left in my car, which he probably messed with so they got into an accident...And...I don’t even want to say what could’ve happened...Whatever Jaemin put in the lasagna almost killed Naeun. Then, her EpiPen fucking disappeared. And then, conveniently right after, his tires were slit. And now, since he couldn’t finish the job the first time, he smothered Naeun to death.”

“Heather...Jaemin wouldn’t…” You started.

“I know...I had my doubts, too, but...he gave me some calming tea before I went to sleep...When it cooled down, I tested it...It’s been drugged.”

Your heart sank. “How do you know?”

“My dad’s company is working with the nail polish that can track date rape drugs. My painted nail changed color when I tested it out. Jaemin tried to drug me, y/n…” She showed you her neon green polish and the one fingernail that turned black.

You covered your hand over your mouth.

“I had a feeling he would come check up on me so I tossed some of the tea down the drain and pretended I was asleep. He came back to check that I was asleep, y/n...That’s just creepy. Why the hell would he need to drug me?”

Not knowing how to answer, you started, “Heather...Maybe…”

Jaemin surprised you both by breaking the wood of the door down with an ax. He made a big enough hole to unlock the door from the inside.

You and Heather yelled. Jaemin heard everything. 

Jaemin started. “Heather, why are you up? I thought I was going to take care of you tomorrow in my grand finale…”

“Shit,” Heather said as she got closer to you.

“Jaemin? What grand finale?” You demanded. “What is going on?”

Jaemin smiled wide at you. “Sweetheart, I thought I told you to sleep.”

The look in Jaemin’s eyes became cold...Calculating.

“y/n...It’s no accident that I asked for you to come on this trip…” Jaemin said as he pulled a knife out of his pocket and twirled it around his hand. “I thought you’d partake in the festivities…”

“What festivities?” Heather demanded. “Why the fuck did you try to drug me? Why did you kill Naeun? What the hell did she do to you?”

Jaemin tsked as he met Heather’s eyes. “Why wouldn’t I kill Naeun? Why wouldn’t I kill them all? Think about it, you ungrateful little brat.”

You found yourself moving closer to Heather then for she was your only living ally. Albeit the biggest bitch in the land.

Jaemin killed everyone.

Jaemin was the killer.

Heather shook her head. “Jaemin, stay the fuck away from us. I swear to God. Or I’ll-”

Jaemin chuckled. “You’ll what? Call Daddy? Call Mommy? They’re both abroad, never giving a second thought about their spoiled daughter...Those two think you couldn’t be safer and more comfortable…It’s ridiculous...A girl who has everything...Takes it upon herself to put others down...You’ve put y/n down for years...You’ve never let go your childish and petty hatred for her...And for what reason?”

Heather’s resolve faded when she realized what you had.

“Jaemin…” You started.

“Y/n, did you not realize that each person on this trip has fucked with you one way or another?” He asked.

Well, the girls were bitches, yes, but…

“Naeun was the one who spread that rumor about you getting your breast implants...Tzuyu was the one who nearly ran you over in the student parking lot...Renjun body shamed you in the boys’ locker room...And Yangyang told us all that he wanted to take your virginity this weekend…”

“Jaemin!” Heather exclaimed.

“You should’ve been careful with who you added in your group chat full of morons, Heather....Ah, and Heather, dear...you’re the ringleader in all of this...You goaded Naeun and Tzuyu to do these things to y/n. You’ve set out to put y/n down for a long time now. You even went along with Renjun and Yangyang’s comments about y/n’s body...Fuck you, by the way, she’s perfect in every way...And I should’ve made them all go through slower...more painful deaths for all of the things you said about her...”

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. You had no idea that even boys were targeting you...First off, you literally just breathed. The girls were childish and petty but…

“Jaemin,” you said.

“Yes, sweetheart?��� Jaemin asked with a kinder smile to you.

“What they all did to me was wrong...But you didn’t have to…”

Jaemin’s eyes widened. “Kill them? Well, it wasn’t up to you...All of these people are worthless scum that won’t amount to much, honestly….So was it really a waste?”

Heather surprised you by pulling a handgun out of her pocket. She shot Jaemin in the chest. “y/n, let’s go!” She pulled you out of the bed and you both ran for your lives.

“Agh!” Jaemin groaned as he fell to the ground.

You both ran down the stairs. Heather unlocked the front door, knowing the house was no longer safe.

You both ran down the steps of the entrance. You had to pull Heather with you because she ran too slow for you. Then, you heard a gunshot.” Heather fell down. She’d been shot in the foot. “Fuck!” She yelled.

You turned to see Jaemin at the entrance with a hunting rifle. “Bulletproof vest, baby!”

You yelled as you tried to help Heather up.

Jaemin asked, genuinely confused. “Y/n, why are you running? This has nothing to do with you.”

You gaped. “Are you kidding me? Apparently, this has everything to do with me…Jaemin put the gun down! Please stop!”

Jaemin shook his head. “Out of the question, sweetheart. You’d be smart to leave Heather to me.”

Heather began to cry. “No…”

You wrapped Heather’s arm around you and both walked off. Heather winced with pain but she could manage as you kept running. Jaemin was getting closer and closer. He waited, then.

You and Heather were confused. Why did he stop running?

You and Heather both walked over a bear traps you both hadn’t seen.

You yelped in pain and Heather cried out, “Son of a bitch!”

It hurt for both of you to move an inch. You both cried.

Jaemin made his way over, using a flashlight. He sighed. “Y/n, you should’ve stopped running. Now you’ve your beautiful ankle...Well, it’s no big deal...I can disinfect it and patch it up nicely for you...After I’m done with Heather.”

“Jaemin, no, please stop. You don’t have to do this. I don’t want you to do this. That’s enough!” You pleaded.

At the sound of your last two words, Jaemin froze. The words brought him back to when he was a kid and he would pummel other children for bullying his younger siblings. His parents would beg him to stop. It was too bad that their words didn’t stick. And your words were no different.

Jaemin sighed. “I’m sorry, y/n…” He whacked the back of his gun over your head so you blacked out.

___

Heather had also been knocked out. She awoke to being tied up and sitting in the hot tub beside the Olympic sized swimming pool in the backyard. She noted that bricks were tied around her ankles. As she tried to pull herself up, it was impossible for her to get out.

Jaemin smiled wickedly as he wielded the thermostat. “You’ve always prided yourself on being the hottest girl at our college...Why don’t we put that to the test?”

“Jaemin, please stop! I am so sorry!” She cried. “Please don’t do this! I messed up! I...I’ve always been jealous of y/n! Because she was the one who had everything. The perfect family. The perfect grades. The perfect body. Everything about her is so damn effortless that I hated it.” She hoped that pouring her soul out to him might make him change his mind.

“Oh, boohoo…” Jaemin said as he increased the heat.

Heather grew uncomfortable. “Jaemin...Stop...Please...It’s too hot…”

Jaemin sighed. “Goodbye Heather…”

___

You slowly woke up seated on the passenger side of Jaemin’s Jeep. Your eyes quickly opened when you realized that. You jerked awake and found Jaemin in the driver’s seat, calm and composed. “I think we’re alone now...”

You backed up against your window. “Jaemin! Where is Heather?”

“Oh, she’s tied up at the moment...In the hot tub...She is indeed the hottest girl from our college now…” Jaemin said, a chuckle escaping his lips at his pun.

You were about to be sick. You pulled the window and vomited. You tried moving by the gash from the bear trap made you wince and groan in pain.

“Oh, y/n...I didn’t mean for you to get hurt...You couldn’t help it, though. Wanting to help that brat till the end...Because you see the good in people...You are simply too pure.”

“Jaemin...Where are we going?”

“To the next town...Where we will report a murderer that broke into Heather’s summer home…”

You looked at him in disbelief. Surely, he wouldn't turn himself in.

“The murderer is at large and we narrowly escaped, y/n...I got you out of the bear trap and we were able to get away in my car…”

You shook your head. “Jaemin, no...They’ll never believe you...”

Jaemin shocked you by breaking down the same way he had the day before you left for the trip. “Officers, please h-help us. Our friends are gone!”

You looked at him in disbelief. Did he fake crying before?

Well, you did think he was a tremendous actor. You just didn’t know how right you were.

“Jaemin, this is wrong…” You started.

He sighed. “Y/n...you worry too much...Now your life will be brighter...It’ll be perfect now. Perfect for the perfect girl…”

You contemplated how the hell you could get away from Jaemin. Your options were limited as he’d taken your phone. You couldn’t exactly run that far but you could find a way to slow him down. You noticed Heather’s car off the side of the road. It’d rammed into a tree. Jaemin must have tampered with Heather’s car, you realized. He did admit to having a hand in their disappearance, after all.

You thought fast and with all of your strength you moved over to Jaemin’s side and turned the wheel so the car collided into the trees.

The impact was intense but you’d dodged most of the impact. Jaemin laid next to you, unconscious and bleeding.

You limped out of the car and checked Heather’s car. As you feared, Renjun and Tzuyu died from the impact. It was a gruesome sight. They dealt with blunt trauma. Their heads were draining blood. You nearly puked again.

Before you broke down in tears, you thought fast and remembered Renjun and Tzuyu smoked. You rummaged through the glove compartment for a weapon or a phone...You came up short with Renjun’s lighter. Tzuyu’s phone had some battery left. The reception was low so you had to find a way to get to the next town to get reception.

So now what the hell were you going to do, you weren’t going to light a car up on fire...And burn the evidence that was once Tzuyu and Renjun.

You noticed the gas leak that came from under the car. You got under the hood of Heather’s car and found the gasoline tank leaking. You grabbed an empty Starbucks cup from the front seat and let the gasoline slip in.

___

You ran, not getting very far when Jaemin called out to you. He was able to walk normally and he was quickly catching up to you.

“Y/n! Sweetheart! Where are you going? Without me...” Jaemin called out.

You turned quickly and found he walked over to you with an ax.

“Fuck off, Jaemin!” You said, realizing he was just as capable of killing you.

“Sweetheart, let’s just talk about this...I did this all for you...Because I love you...I want to make you happy. I want to marry you. Have twelve children...Ah, yes, you said twelve may be excessive...How does eleven kids sound?”

You rolled your eyes. He was fucking insane. You decided to provoke him. “What makes you think I would marry a deranged killer?”

Jaemin’s face was unreadable then. You hid the cup of gasoline away in your sweater. Pretending you've injured your arm so Jaemin wouldn’t be the wiser.

“Y/n, please…”

You entertained him by turning around.

“What, Jaemin? How could you possibly convince me that anything you did was okay?”

“If you let me try…” Jaemin started. He got closer to you.

You waited for him to get closer and quickly doused him with the gasoline.

Jaemin coughed as some of the gasoline got in his mouth. “y/n, what are you-”

“Goodbye, Jaemin.” You ignited Renjun’s lighter and tossed it at him.

Jaemin clothes caught on fire. He yelled in agony as you watched him struggle. He threw the axe at you but he missed. You cried as you went back to Jaemin’s car and started up the ignition. Thank goodness, it still worked.

Jaemin immediately removed his clothes to remove himself from most of the flames and patted himself down. He immediately charged at you as you backed the car up from the tree.

You didn’t think twice as you ran him over. Checking the rearview mirror and seeing the job hadn’t been completed, you reversed the car and ran him over again.

You waited ten minutes to see that Jaemin was dead. You got out of the car and kicked his body to check for any movement. You got his heavy, lifeless body into the car with you. You checked his pulse again. He was dead. You checked multiple times because once again, you weren’t about to become a movie cliche.

You made it to the next town and reported Jaemin’s murders and how you killed him in self-defense. You explained your weekend of terror and you were at the station all week for questioning. Your family joined you and consoled you as you told them all you knew.

The police scoured the mansion. They found Yangyang’s body in the pool house, beaten to a bloody pulp. They found Naeun’s body in her bed, like she’d been in perpetual slumber. They found Heather’s body in the hot tub, wrinkled and burnt. They found Heather’s car where Tzuyu and Renjun’s bodies remained.

Jaemin told you the truth. He worked part-time at hardware store. He had been fired that day for snapping at one of the customer’s who was berating his wife. Before Jaemin left, he stole an ax. He really did get the ax, like he’d told you.

It turned out Jaemin tampered with the reception at Heather’s house and because her house was already remote...Jaemin was able to use that to his advantage. He used the last of the reception before he cut it off to send the texts about Yangyang from a burner phone, which was uncovered in his Jeep. Yangyang’s phone was unlocked and the police uncovered his messages that were supposedly from his dealer, who he scheduled to meet with the night he disappeared. It turned out Jaemin hacked into the dealer’s phone to get Yangyang right where he wanted him. Jaemin did indeed tamper with the wires of Heather’s car so Tzuyu and Renjun’s fates were sealed. The leftover lasagna Jaemin had prepared was analyzed and there were traces of crushed peanuts in the lasagna. Naeun had a severe peanut allergy. Naeun’s EpiPen was found with Jaemin’s other belongings. When you’d saved Naeun with your EpiPen, Jaemin took it upon himself to smother Naeun with a pillow in her sleep. Jaemin had planted bear traps around the front lawn, which was how he caught you and Heather. Heather died from heat exhaustion in the hot tub as she was tied up and restrained with bricks tied around her ankles. Jaemin had done all of this with gloved hands so no trace of his DNA could be found at the crime scenes. If it hadn’t been for the evidence he’d hidden in his car, then the case would’ve been more difficult to resolve.

Jaemin’s body was recovered at the crime scene. Thankfully, he was not a movie cliche where he up and left and awaited his next victim. He was dead to the world and most importantly, dead to you.

[Fin]

[rpf-bat]

I Choose Defeat

Pairing: Gerard Way x Reader

Genre: Angst, Drama

Summary: Written for Gothtober 2020, Day 5. Prompt: “Killing Romance.”

When Gerard makes the decision to ‘kill’ My Chemical Romance, your hidden feelings for him, turn to despair. You’re crushed by the reality that he’s no longer your bandmate, but you try your best to move on. Four years later, you have a quiet life in New Jersey - and a child that isn’t is. But, when you get a call in the middle of the night, asking you to get the band back together, you find yourself jumping at the chance. 

You and the other members of My Chemical Romance, sat around a coffee table, at Reprise Records headquarters. You sipped from your mug anxiously, unsure why Gerard had called this meeting. 

Is this about the new studio space?, you wondered. He did say he wanted to build a new recording spot, on his property, so that we’ll have an easier time, putting together the rest of the new album. 

But, something in his melancholy expression, told you that he wasn’t here, to show off blueprints. His hazel eyes seemed to stare right through you.

You glanced at Frank on your right, and Ray and Mikey on your left. They seemed nervous, too, as they waited for Gerard to speak. The silence in the room was deafening. 

“So,” Gerard said finally, “I’ve decided I quit.” 

“What?” you blinked. 

“I no longer want to be the vocalist of My Chemical Romance,” Gerard spelled out. “I’m out.” 

Four jaws dropped in unison. The mug nearly fell right out of your hand. 

“That means that My Chemical Romance is….over with,” Mikey realized. “I mean, there’s no way in hell that we could continue the band without you.” 

This much was obvious - Gerard was the group’s leader. It’s visionary. A drummer, such as yourself? Potentially replaceable. But the vocalist, lyricist, and frontman? No way. If he was done, his departure would be a bullet between My Chemical Romance’s eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” Gerard sighed. “I’ve been trying, to act like everything’s fine, and keep working on new songs with you guys. But….my heart’s just not in it anymore.” 

“What about the new album?!” Frank interjected. “The demos we’ve been working on so far….I thought those songs really had potential!” 

“The guitar parts you wrote were good, Frankie,” Gerard admitted. “If you want to take those melodies, and recycle them into a new project, at some point? You definitely have my blessing to do that.” 

“Frank might be fine forming some new band, with new people,” you said, tears forming in your eyes, “but, what about me? What am I supposed to do?” 

You had dropped out of school, years ago, when Gerard asked you to drum for his band. And the truth was, that you had nothing to fall back on. You’d spent the last decade of your life, focused on nothing, but being in My Chem. Now, that career was just….gone. 

“I was talking to Andy Hurley the other day,” Gerard said calmly. “He said, that when Fall Out Boy broke up, he became a touring drummer, for some other bands. Like, I think he went on the road with Earth Crisis for a while.” 

“Oh, so you just have all the answers, is that it?” you snapped. You didn’t think, he’d really given that much thought, to how this would affect you, at all. 

“Y/N, come on,” Ray intervened, putting a hand on your shoulder. “You have to admit….the last tour, was really hard on all of us.”

“He’s right,” Mikey sighed. “We were constantly jet lagged. I was eating No-Doz like candy, just to stay awake, during some of our shows.” 

“I...I never said being in this band was easy,” you stammered, “but that doesn’t mean you just give up!”

“I can’t force it, if the passion’s just not there anymore!” Gerard insisted. “Do you remember the last show we played?”

“Yeah, what about it?” you demanded. 

“I wasn’t even looking at the fucking crowd,” Gerard confessed. “Or at my mic. My head was somewhere completely else. I was looking at the sea, in the distance. I didn’t want to be on that stage. And I know that our performance suffered, because of that. It wasn’t my best work. If I can’t give the fans the show they deserve, I’d rather not do any more shows, at all.” 

“You didn’t feel happy at all, when you were playing with us?” you realized. 

“No,” Gerard said bluntly. “I felt nothing.” 

Your chest hurt, and your eyes welled up with tears. Nothing?

Being onstage with Gerard, watching him sing, from behind your drum kit, was euphoria to you. A high that no drug could match. Listening to the crowd sing along with him, as you played your heart out....those were always the best nights of your life. But, clearly, he didn’t feel the same way, that you did. 

You always thought you’d have more time with him. Whether it was in the studio, or on tour….you’d taken for granted, that you would have another opportunity, to tell him how you really felt. 

You’d had feelings for him, for a long time. To put it frankly, you were in love with him. 

I told myself, that as soon as we finished the record, I would confess my feelings to him, you recalled, your hands shaking. I didn’t want it to affect the work we were doing in the studio, so I was going to wait. But now the fifth MCR album, is never going to exist! 

Even if your fantasies of dating him never materialized, you thought you would always have him, as a bandmate. Even if we never became boyfriend and girlfriend….we would still travel the world together, as singer and drummer. That was something I thought I could always rely on! 

Now, everything you thought you’d have, was up in smoke. It was like the rug had been pulled out from under you. 

“Gerard, how could you?!” you cried, unable to stop the tears, from falling from your eyes. “Don’t you get it? I don’t want to be in any band, if it’s not with you!” 

“Y/N, I’m sorry…,” Gerard began, seeming taken aback, by how deeply, his words had wounded you. 

“Save it!” you barked. “I don’t want to hear it!” 

You grabbed your keys, and stormed out of the room. 

“Y/N! Wait!” Gerard cried. 

His voice didn’t stop you. If nothing was what he felt, sharing the stage with you….then, nothing was exactly what you would be to each other, from this day on. 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

FOUR YEARS LATER

You’d moved back to New Jersey, after the band broke up. Los Angeles held nothing for you anymore, but memories. All you wanted was to forget. 

You’d tried to fill the void in your heart, by blowing money on vinyls. You thought maybe, if you turned the volume all the way up, and made the whole house shake with sound, you wouldn’t be able to hear Gerard’s voice, in the back of your head. I felt nothing. 

Your time together had been special to you….but, clearly, you thought, it hadn’t been special to him. So, when the guy at the record store, had asked for your number, you’d given it to him. 

You thought you could get over Gerard, by jumping into bed with someone else. Patrick certainly wasn’t unattractive. And, he was never unkind to you. When he told you that he loved you, you said it back. 

But…..you didn’t mean it. Deep down in your heart, you knew you were still in love with Gerard. And the worst part was, Patrick knew it, too. So, the relationship failed. Of course it did.

But, it had left you with one good thing: a child. You loved your daughter, even though you didn’t love her father. Motherhood had given you a reason to get out of bed every day. Even if you felt like your life was in shambles, you still had a responsibility, to be there for her. 

She looked up at you, with innocent blue eyes, as you tucked her into bed. 

“Mommy need hug?” she asked, holding her teddy bear tightly. 

“No, sweetheart,” you sighed, ashamed that your mental state was so obvious, even to a toddler. “Mommy’s okay.”

You thought to yourself, as you kissed her goodnight, that she might be the only person in this world, to ever truly love you unconditionally. 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You were sitting at the kitchen table, alone with your thoughts, and a glass of Pinot, when the phone rang. You wondered who it could be, at this hour. 

“Hey, Y/N,” said a familiar voice, when you picked up. 

“Frank?” you blinked. “What’s up?” 

“How are you doing?” your former bandmate asked gently. 

“Pretty good,” you lied. “It’s been a while.” 

“It has,” Frank admitted. “I just got done with a tour, not too long ago.” 

Right, you remembered. He’s got his own little solo project now. 

“What are you calling yourselves these days?” you asked. “The Cellabration?”

“No, it’s The Patience now,” Frank corrected. “Man, I really wish I could have convinced you to join us. You know you were my first pick, for a drummer.” 

“You found a better one,” you shrugged. “I bought a copy of your CD. It sounds like Matt Olsson is doing a hell of a job.” 

“I’ll tell him you said that,” Frank chuckled. “You been up to much, music wise?” 

“Nah,” you confessed. “I mean, I did a little production stuff, for an indie label, here in town. But mostly, I’ve just been living off royalties, and child support.” 

“Fair enough,” Frank replied. “How’s the little one doing?” 

“Lena‘s doing great,” you smiled. “She’s full of energy, like most three year olds are.” 

You heard Frank laughing. 

“What?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“I still can’t believe,” Frank snickered, “that you named your daughter Helena.” 

“Of course I did,” you said wistfully. “Of all the songs we ever composed together, I think that was my favorite.” 

“Honestly, it’s one of my favorites, too,” Frank confessed.

“How are Lily and Cherry?” you asked. “And Miles?” 

“The twins just had their seventh birthday,” Frank said proudly. “God, they’re getting so big. And Miles just started kindergarten, he loves it.” 

“That’s great,” you smiled. “Lena and I, should come over and visit you guys soon.” 

“I’d really like that,” Frank agreed. “I mean, you’re right down the road, after all.”

It was true - Frank, was the only other former band member, who had returned to New Jersey, after things went south. 

“....That’s actually part of, what I wanted to talk to you about,” Frank said, after a moment. 

“What do you mean?” you wondered. 

“So….you and I, still hang out all the time,” Frank began. 

“...Yeah?” you nodded. Where was he going with this? 

“But, you also visited Ray not too long ago, right?” he asked. 

“Uh, yeah, last fall,” you recalled. “He invited me down to his house in California. He wanted me to play drums, for a track on Remember The Laughter.” 

It had been nice to see him again - and even nicer, to get out of the East Coast snow. 

“But, while you were in LA, you also hung out with Mikey, right?” Frank asked. 

“Yeah,” you confirmed. “He asked me to go to a Dodgers game with him, while I was in town. It was pretty fun. He was asking me for parenting advice the whole time, because Kristin was pregnant with Rowan.” 

All of the former members of My Chemical Romance were parents now….except one. But, you didn’t want to talk about him. To your chagrin, this was the exact person, whom Frank asked about next. 

“What about Gerard?” he demanded. 

“What about him?” you scoffed. Even after all this time, thinking about him, still hurt. 

“I was texting Gee last night,” Frank explained. “Y/N….he told me that you haven’t gone and seen him, even once, since the day the band broke up.” 

“It’s true,” you admitted. 

“Shit, man,” Frank swore. “It’s been four years. Do you really hate him, that much?” 

“I don’t hate him,” you said softly. 

“Could’ve fooled me,” Frank tutted. “Was it really necessary, to block his number?” 

“It was,” you insisted. “I have nothing to say to him.” 

“Well,” Frank revealed, “he had something, that he wanted me to say to you.” 

Your eyes widened. 

“What is it?!” you demanded. 

“Damn,” Frank teased. “You sound pretty eager, for someone who refuses to speak to him directly. For the record, it’s kinda childish, if you ask me! You and I are both in our thirties now - and he just turned fuckin’ forty. And I still have to be a go-between, for you two?” 

“Just tell me what he said, already,” you said impatiently. 

“Fine, fine,” Frank sighed. “I’ll get to the point.” 

“Well, what is it?” What could he possibly have to say, after all this time?

“He asked me,” Frank whispered, “if you would be interested, in getting the band back together.”

You dropped the phone in shock. It hit the tile floor, with a crash. You were lucky, that the noise didn’t wake Lena. You bit your lip. You wanted to scream, but you couldn’t. 

Was this real?! you thought, your hands shaking. Oh, god, please let it be real. 

You’d wanted to hear those words for so long. Despite all your anger and resentment towards Gerard….you wanted him, to miss you. You wanted him, to want to get onstage with you again. Because deep down….you still wanted, that, too. 

You picked the phone up off the floor, and pressed it to your ear again. 

“Damn, Y/N, what was that?” Frank gaped. 

“Sorry,” you mumbled. “I can hear you now. So….tell me again? Exactly what he said?”

“He said he wants to get all five of us in a room together,” Frank explained. “Just...try and jam for a little bit, and see where it goes from there.” 

“Where?” you asked. “LA, I’m guessing?” 

“Yeah….”

“Ok, when?” you interrupted. “I can try and find a sitter, to watch Lena for a weekend, so….” 

“Slow down!” Frank urged. “What the fuck, Y/N?” 

“What do you mean, what the fuck?” you asked, eyes narrowing. 

“You just told me, you haven’t said two words to Gerard, since 2013!” Frank reminded. “Now, all of a sudden, you’re chomping at the bit, to get on a plane, and go see him?” 

He had a point. You hated yourself for this. You’d spent the last four years, trying desperately to forget about Gerard. Now, as soon as he dangled the possibility of a reunion in front of you, you were wagging your tail like a dog for him. 

He still has me in the palm of your hand, you realized, cheeks burning. I hate it. 

“We weren’t sure,” Frank confessed, “if you would want to be part of the reunion at all. You guys didn’t leave things on the best of terms. Like...when you see him again, what the hell are you gonna say to him?” 

“I….I don’t know,” you realized. You thought about it for a moment. 

“One thing’s for sure,” you decided. “If My Chemical Romance is having a reunion, you’re sure as hell, not gonna have it without me.” 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You hesitated in the studio doorway, your hand shaking on the door handle. 

Come on, you told yourself. You’ve come all this way. The flight from La Guardia to LAX was seven hours long. You had all that time, to talk yourself out of doing this. But, you’re here now. You’ve decided this is what you want. 

Steeling yourself, you turned the knob, and entered the room. 

He was there, as soon as you walked in. His hair was a natural brown now - not the short blonde it had been, the last time you’d seen him. It had become streaked with grey - but, then again, so had yours. Despite the lines of middle age, that had now begun to crease his face, he was still so, breathtakingly handsome. 

“Hey, Y/N,” Gerard said, his voice melting you like butter. “You look great.”

You didn’t say so do you - even though it was true. 

“H-how you have been?” you asked, trying to hide your shakes. 

“I’ve been well,” Gerard smiled. “How’s Patrick?” 

“We’re divorced,” you said dryly. 

“....Oh,” Gerard gasped. “Oh, fuck, Y/N, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

“You would, if you shot me an email, once in a while,” you snapped, remembering that you were supposed to ‘hate’ him. 

“Oh, so my number’s blocked, but an email’s fine with you?” Gerard huffed. “How am I supposed to know that? The telephone works both ways, you know.” 

“Guys!” interrupted the voice of the reason. “Can you not? Please?” 

“Ray!” you gasped, turning to face your frizzy-haired friend. “How are you? It’s so good to see you!” 

“It’s good to see you, too, Y/N,” Ray smiled. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you guys, too,” said another familiar voice, as Mikey entered the room. 

“Hey!” you smiled, walking over to greet him. “How’s the baby doing?”

“She’s beautiful,” Mikey said proudly. “How’s Helena?”

“Little Lena is getting bigger every day,” you smiled. “She’s adorable.” 

“You can compare baby pictures later,” joked another voice. “I’d win that contest, anyway. I have three cuties at home.” 

“Hi, Frank!” Mikey grinned. “How have you been, dude?” 

“Pretty good,” Frank smiled, setting down his guitar case. “Looks like the gang’s all here.”  

You looked around the room, scarcely believing it was true. But, you didn’t have to pinch yourself. It was real- all five members of My Chemical Romance, were together again.

“Are you ready to jam?” Ray grinned. 

“Absolutely,” you said, surprising yourself. 

“What should we play first?” Frank asked, taking his guitar out of its case, and hooking the strap over his shoulder. 

“Good question,” Gerard shrugged, walking over to the microphone stand, and adjusting it to his height. 

“What about ‘Helena’?” Mikey suggested, tuning his bass. 

“Sounds good to me,” you replied. You sat down, behind the drum kit, that the studio space owned. You still had your original kit - with the Danger Days “Exterminate” drum cover - in your basement, back home. 

You picked up your sticks. It had been so long, but holding them in your hands, felt so right, in a way that you couldn’t describe. 

“Ray, you wanna start us off?” Gerard asked. 

“Alright,” Ray nodded. “One, two, three, four…”

He began to play the opening notes, that you knew so well. 

“Long ago,” Gerard crooned, “just like the hearse you, died to get in again…”

Your cymbals joined him - and at just the right time, too. Like muscle memory coming back. 

“We are,” Gerard sang, “so far from you!”

Mikey and Frank’s parts kicked in, and you felt a wave of adrenaline, that hit you so fast, it almost made you miss the beat. 

“Burning on…,” Gerard continued, surprisingly in-key. 

“Just like a match you strike to incineraaaaate!” Ray harmonized, “the lives of everyone you knoooow!”

The two men sounded incredible together, given that the last time they’d performed this song, was 2012. It was like riding a bike, you realized. You guys had played this one together, so many times, that it only took being next to each other, to unlock it all again. 

You felt a wave of nostalgia, as the song continued:

And what's the worst you take (worst you take)

From every heart you break (heart you break)

And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)

Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I can say?

Things are better if I stay

So long and goodnight

So long not goodnight

“....Fuck, that sounded so good!” Gerard grinned, stopping after the chorus. “I thought we’d be really rusty!” 

“I know, right?” Ray laughed. 

Suddenly, Gerard’s smile faded, as he turned back, and looked at you. “....Y/N?”

“What?” you asked. “I agree, that was decent.” 

“Y/N….you’re crying,” Gerard said softly. 

“Huh?” you blinked. You set your drumstick down, and touched your finger to your eye. It came away wet. 

Fuck, you realized, he’s right. You hadn’t even noticed. Despite the sharp words you’d exchanged, when you walked in the door, playing together, had made your true feelings plain. You had missed this. You had missed this so much. 

“I….I think I need a smoke break,” you stammered, and headed for the door. 

“Y/N! Wait!” Gerard called. It sounded just like deja vu. 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

He found you outside, holding a cigarette in your shaking palm. You could barely see the lighter through your tears. The stupid flame wouldn’t catch. 

“You want me to get that?” Gerard offered. 

“No!” you sniffed. “Just, go away!” 

Ignoring you, Gerard took the lighter from your hand. 

“Here,” he said, and lit the cigarette for you. You took a drag. 

“....You want one?” you offered, awkwardly handing him the pack, as you wiped your eyes. 

“Nah,” Gerard shook his head. “I quit.”

“...Did you really?” you blinked, surprised. 

“Yeah, just this year,” Gerard nodded. “I figured, if we were gonna do this, I wanted to make sure, that my lungs were in good shape.” 

“....How long have you known, that you wanted to come back?” you wondered. 

“Not long,” Gerard confessed. “Honestly, I thought you would say no.”

“To you?” you laughed, bitterly. “Never.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Gerard raised an eyebrow. “I thought you can’t stand me, these days.” 

“Gee,” you sighed. “Listen….I never hated you.” 

“Could’ve fooled me.” 

“It wasn’t hate, that kept me away,” you confessed. “It was love.” 

“Love?” Gerard repeated, confused. 

“You broke my heart,” you explained, “when you killed the band.”

“Yeah, all the guys were heartbroken, when I told them it was over,” Gerard acknowledged. 

“No,” you shook your head. “You don’t understand.” 

“Then, explain it to me!” Gerard demanded. “Nobody was happy with me with that day, but you’re the only one who cut off all contact afterwards! And I have spent every day, of the last four years, wondering why!” 

“Because I was in love with you, you idiot!” you cried. 

Gerard gasped, staring at you in shock. 

Fuck, you trembled. I can’t believe I said that out loud. 

“You….wanted to be with me?” Gerard asked, eyes wide. 

“Of course I did,” you said, beginning to cry again. “But, you didn’t even want me as a bandmate anymore - let alone a lover. You didn’t feel a thing - you gave up our life’s work, like it was nothing to you.” 

“Y/N, I was relapsing,” Gerard said softly, staring at his shoes. 

“You….you what?” 

“During the World Contamination Tour,” Gerard admitted, shame-faced. “The stress of being on the road, it was just too much for me. I was seven years sober, and I fell off the wagon. I hated myself for it. But I knew, if we started another album cycle, and went on another tour, after that….I was going to do it again.” 

“That’s why you wanted to quit the band?” you realized. “I never knew….” 

“You never let me explain myself!” Gerard reminded. “You just took off!” 

“B-but, I never noticed you drinking, when we were on tour….” you stammered. 

“I hid it well,” Gerard sighed. “I didn’t want to disappoint you. You thought I was such a great guy….I didn’t want you to see the truth about me.” 

“You are a great guy, Gee,” you assured him. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t gotten so angry at you, for making the choice you made, if I had known how badly you were struggling, on the inside….” 

“It was kill the band,” Gerard revealed, “or fall back into the bad habits, that were going to kill me.”

“I….I don’t want you to get killed, Gerard,” you sobbed. “I would never, ever want that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, for how I’ve treated you, this whole time….”

“I’m sorry, too,” Gerard said, reaching a gentle hand up, to wipe the tear from your eye. “I’m sorry, that I was so self-absorbed, that I never realized, how you felt about me.”

“I hid that well, too,” you confessed. 

“I would never have wasted the last four years of my life like this,” Gerard sighed, “if I had known, that my feelings were reciprocated.”

“Re…Reciprocated?” you repeated. No….could he mean….?

“After you went back to Jersey,” Gerard bared his soul, “I felt like there was a hole in my heart. And I didn’t know why. By the time I figured it out - by the time I was sober, and mentally stable again, and the type of man you actually deserved - goddamnit, Y/N, you were married to someone else!” 

“I only accepted Patrick’s proposal, because I was pregnant,” you admitted, embarrassed. “And I only slept with him, in the first place, to try and convince myself, that I was capable of wanting, somebody who wasn’t you.” 

“But….you and Patrick split up,” Gerard realized. “Fuck. Y/N. If I had known, that you two weren’t still together….I would have been on a plane to New Jersey, months ago, begging you for another chance.” 

“I don’t want him,” you cried. “I want you, Gerard. I always did. I wished Lena was yours, because the wanting never stopped. I want you still!” 

“Then, be mine, damnit!” Gerard cried, and took you in his arms. He kissed your tear stained face, and your sobbing finally stopped, as his lips crashed into yours. 

He tasted so sweet….everything you’d wanted, and more. It was like a dream come true. 

“The guys are waiting inside,” you reminded, “for us to go back in there, and play some more songs with them.”

“Let then wait,” Gerard shushed you, pulling you in again. “I’ve waited four years for this.” 

He kissed you, and you felt as if you could fly. All was, finally, right with the world again. 

[translations-by-aiimee]

Dig a Grave to Dig Out a Ghost - Chapter 19

Original Title: 挖坟挖出鬼

Genres: Drama, Horror, Mystery, Supernatural, Yaoi

This translation is based on multiple MTLs and my own limited knowledge of Chinese characters. If I have made any egregious mistakes, please let me know.

Chapter Index

Chapter 19 - Confuse

When he left, the crowd was gone. The corridor was empty. The old custodian didn’t even turn on the ceiling light to save electricity. Only the wall lamp glowed a dull yellow. Lin Yan’s face drained of all colour. He suddenly felt like he was in a horror movie. He was the lead actor stumbling along the wall in a terrifying corridor.

The professor's story made him feel incredibly afraid. Behind him was a ghost, a murderer who put people to death in a cruel and bloody way. He didn't even dare to look behind him. He was afraid that when he turned around, a ghost covered in bloodstains would be there, grinning sinisterly at him through a veil of long hair, saying: It's your turn.

Lin Yan's breathing became heavier and heavier. When he couldn't resist the urge to run away, he was suddenly pushed harshly against the wall. His body was wrenched around. Lin Yan raised his head and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Stay away from me." Lin Yan said flatly: ". . . I don't want to die like this."

He bit his lip and pushed at Xiao Yu, but the ghost entangled himself around him and sucked at his neck fiercely. Lin Yan turned his head and stubbornly refused to look at him. He felt that he should be scared, but he couldn't even understand the feeling in his heart. It was unpleasant. It took Lin Yan a minute before he realized that the emotion he was feeling was disappointment.

He was disappointed with the ghost.

". . . Lin Yan" Xiao Yu seemed to be anxious too. He gently rocked Lin Yan's body. His hands slid off his shoulders, and stopped on Lin Yan's small and slender wrist. Pressing his fingers onto his pulse point. feeling his racing heart, he clasped Lin Yan's hands, intertwining their fingers.

The cold hands felt like they were made of fine porcelain, and his fingers were devoid of warmth.

"How could you be so cruel? Even if they entered your tomb with bad intentions, all you had to do was scare them away. You let a woman kill her husband and slit her own throat. How could you do that?!" Lin Yan yanked his hand out of Xiao Yu's. Everything he wanted to say seemed to be stuck in his throat; all he could think about was the ghost. He had protected this man during the events in the temple, and he rested on his chest obediently in the car. When he was onstage, he comforted him when he saw him having bad stage fright. Lin Yan thought he must be out of his mind, otherwise how could he feel so wronged by the shamelessness of this ghost?

The ghost was so strong that Lin Yan couldn't get away no matter how hard he struggled. Xiao Yu pressed into him, his cold body holding him against the wall. Lin Yan helplessly bowed his head, but Xiao Yu dragged his chin to the side and pushed his lips delicately onto his.

"I owe it to you for disturbing your tomb." Lin Yan said wearily: "Get it over with. Just leave my body in one piece."

Xiao Yu's voice took on a bit of urgency as he said in a hushed voice: ". . . I don't want to hurt you." After speaking, he seemed to be unable to think of anything else to say. He stepped back a few steps and caught Lin Yan's hand. On his palm, he stroked: "They deserve to die."

Lin Yan withdrew his hand. He shook his head and stepped back, turning around and stumbling along the corridor and started running. After he got a few metres away, he couldn't help looking back. The ghost was still standing in the same place, the hem of the blood suit fluttering from the gust he made when he rushed away. He looked at him with a sad and lonely glance.

Suddenly, Lin Yan couldn't move anymore, and he felt a pang in his heart. Like he said, this ghost had never hurt him. While, on the other hand, they, in the name of research, had destroyed this ghost's resting place and all the objects he had loved during his lifetime. The last memories he had from before his death were all put into a museum. Since then, he had become a lonely soul wandering around the world, sitting at the door of the ruined temple like a wild spirit in the western mountains in rainy weather, waiting centuries for someone to take him away.

Shouldn't ghosts be the bumps in the night that kill without mercy? Lin Yan knew that it was just his anger speaking at this point, but he couldn't control it. He thought maybe Xiao Yu could have been a good person. Lin Yan thought, maybe he was just lonely and resentful for too long.

. . . Lin Yan's own thoughts surprise him. Was. . . was he making excuses for the ghost?

It was a mess. It was all so messed up.

Lin Yan stood there for a while, and walked back slowly. The ghost seemed to be stunned. He waited until Lin Yan stood in front of him before he hesitantly stretched out his hand and pulled him into his arms. He quietly muttered: "Lin Yan. . ." He seemed to think over his words carefully, but the ghost was already determined to follow him, so he slowly said: "Don't go."

Xiao Yu hugged his waist tightly, rubbing his forehead lightly against the nook of his neck like a big docile cat that ran back to his master to beg for forgiveness after eating his dried fish. Lin Yan couldn't shake him off. The two of them lingered in the dark corridor for a while. He opened his eyes angrily, and yelled at the ghost with all his might: "Why can't I get rid of you?!"

Lin Yan tucked Xiao Yu's hair behind his ear, revealing a handsome face. The ghost dropped his eyes and didn't dare look at him. Lin Yan looked at him and laughed despite his frustration. He said softly with a sideways glance, "Why do you have to follow me?"

". . . Do you like me?"

Xiao Yu's expression relaxed, but his hands squeezed around his tighter. He quickly glanced up at Lin Yan, his eyes shining with expectation.

Lin Yan ran his finger through Xiao Yu’s hair and straightened it down, resting them on his back. In the past, scholarly poetry, calligraphy, music, horseback riding and archery were all available. Because of that, the muscles on his back were very firm. Lin Yan was taken aback. He hid his surprise and sighed: "I deserve all of this. I picked up a ghost after a good archeological internship."

Lin Yan took Xiao Yu's shoulders and looked at him earnestly: "Xiao Yu, you can stay if you want. I'll tell you if you do anything that hurts me. You can't touch any of my friends or anyone around me otherwise I'll go back to the monk and send you away."

A soft kiss fell onto his cheek, and Lin Yan smiled. He knew that for Xiao Yu, this reaction was akin to a promise. After getting used to how stubbornly intimate this ghost was, this kiss made him feel at ease. The power in the corridor was unstable, and the dark yellow wall lamp kept flickering. On any normal day, he would definitely want to get out of this horror movie scene as soon as possible. Today, he didn't feel any fear. What could be more terrifying than being held by a murderer? Lin Yan played with the long hair in his hands and said helplessly: "I don't want to talk about a ghost's morality. Let's go home. You can take a bath and change your clothes. You're shaving years off my life every time you appear and scare the crap out of me."

On the way home, Lin Yan recalled the PSP guy’s shit-eating expression. He whistled happily while listening to his CD, occasionally glancing over at the passenger seat. Xiao Yu was resting on the dark green seat cushion. Lin Yan couldn't help but secretly smile. Since Weiwei had broken up with him half a year ago, no one had been there to accompany him home. While waiting for the red light, Lin Yan raised his hand and brush aside the messy hair covering Xiao Yu's face. The ghost woke up in a daze. His eyes opened and looked over at Lin Yan. Seeing that there was nothing wrong, he closed them again and went back to sleep.

Actually. . . he was almost like a Tibetan mastiff or something like that. Lin Yan's heart beat with happiness. If he were a dog, if Lin Yan was able to take care of him, there shouldn't be any problems with him staying at his apartment. Either way, he still had more than two months left, enough for him to take his time investigating the situation. But it that didn't work. . . the monk would have to send him away.

Lin Yan's expression froze, and his heart twitched. He didn't even want to think about what would happen then.

Later, Lin Yan regretted it. He discovered that in addition to reading, writing, painting a counterfeit fan and being a scary ghost, Lin Yan found other characteristics that left him dumbfounded. When I arrived home at nine o’clock that evening, the small red voicemail light on his phone was flashing. Lin Yan picked it up and listened. The first message was from the little Daoist, saying that he had arrived home safely. The second one was Yin Zhou, saying that he hadn't found anything while searching through the database, but his relatives traveled to Lingyin Temple and bought a very effective amulet for Lin Yan to use if he needed it.

Lin Yan hesitated as he held the receiver and left a voicemail for Yin Zhou: "The lecture gave me some new information. I'm waiting for more news to meet up for an interview with someone."

"About the amulet. . . I don't need it for the time being." Turning his head with a guilty conscience, a silhouette could be vaguely seen in the dark living room. Xiao Yu was leaning on the sofa and waiting for him.

Lin Yan hung up the phone, and dragged Xiao Yu to the bathroom. After wiping down the bathtub and filling it with hot water, Lin Yan pulled the shower curtain aside and said, "I'll bring you new clothes after. Yours are soaked in blood. There's no way to clean them. I'll just throw them out and you can wear mine."

"Call me if the water gets cold."

Xiao Yu didn't move. Lin Yan wanted to go outside, but he started following him after just a few steps.

Lin Yan looked back with wide eyes: "You really can't go an hour without following me? Can't I wait for you outside? I won't run away, don't worry."

Xiao Yu glanced at the bathtub, naturally raised his arms and stretched them outwards.

Lin Yan didn't understand what that meant. He recalled the scenes of a TV drama he had seen, and tentatively asked: "You. . . you're not waiting for a maid to help you, are you?"

Xiao Yu actually nodded. Ten thousand grass mud horses stomped across Lin Yan's heart. He couldn't help shouting: "I don't have one in my house! I'm an adult so I just do it myself!"

"Hey, don't get ahead of yourself!"

Lin Yan tore into the ghost in his bathroom, and Xiao Yu looked at him with an unchanging, stoic look, waiting expectantly.

After several failed attempts to persuade him, Lin Yan angrily took off the traditional dress he had worn for the whole night, threw it on the chair, and harshly pressed his finger into Xiao Yu's forehead: "Give me a minute, let me go change my clothes and I'll be back to help the oh-so-great Young Master Xiao get changed and bathe."

Ten minutes later, Lin Yan slipped on his flip flops and reappeared in the bathroom. The ghost was still standing in the same spot. The blood-stained shirt was eerie in the light. There was no shadow under his feet, and the ghost had his head bowed with paint-black hair covering most of his face. If this were two weeks earlier, Lin Yan would have run out in fear, but now. . . Lin Yan sighed. He draped a towel over his shoulder and untied Xiao Yu's belt.

Lin Yan instinctively turned his face away when the blood-caked clothes fell to the ground and didn't dare peek over. All that was in his mind was the horrific image of dead people's intestines, and the rotting abdomen showed dense white bones, red new flesh, black rotting flesh. . . Xiao Yu lifted Lin Yan's chin with his fingers and forced him to turn his head. Lin Yan took a deep breath, gritted his teeth and fixed his gaze on Xiao Yu.

Unexpectedly, there were no bloody holes or exposed bones like he imagined. Instead, there was a beautiful body in front of Lin Yan. There were broad shoulders and a narrow waist, tight and strong muscles, and messy long hair hanging down to his waist. Lin Yan blushed. Ever since the last time this ghost had teased him to the point of needing to masturbate over it, he had reluctantly accepted the fact that he had feelings for men, and the image in front of him was absolutely vivid. Being in his twenties, coupled with the fact that he hadn't gotten any action in over half a year, Lin Yan couldn't help but internally moan, internally lusting over the thought of doing things with this man.

The bathtub had filled with hot water, and the whole room was covered with milky white mist. Lin Yan tested the temperature of the water, staring at the wall behind Xiao Yu's shoulders, and whispered, "It's okay, you can get in." After speaking, his face blushed again, and he gestured at Xiao Yu: "You can. . . take your pants off yourself."

[mytwilightimagines13]

Amnesia (Book Three)(Part One)

Proposal

Ten years it has been. And Maeryn found that being a vampire surely meant that time mostly stood still. Life was quite easy in Volterra, with the occasional mission. Maeryn mostly spend her days with Jane and Alec or in the library, reading every book there was. The masters had taken it upon themselves to teach Maeryn in different subjects such as the study of different languages, both modern and ancient and of course the history as it actually happened, with the vampire interferences.  “And that is how the Roman Imperium fell.” Caius finished. Maeryn had listened to his story with upper concentration and fascination. It was her favourite time period in the history and it was amazing that Caius could tell her exactly how everything was in that time period. “Thank you, Master Caius. It was once again most interesting to hear the history from your point of view.” Maeryn said. Caius gave her a very, very rare smile. “My pleasure child. Now, go on. I still have many things to do.” He said. Maeryn bowed and quickly made her way out of his study towards her room. On her way she was grabbed and pushed against the wall. Maeryn was ready to attack whoever had the nerve to push her against a wall until she felt a pair of all too familiar lips upon hers. Maeryn smiled and wrapped her arms around Alec’s neck and let her fingers roam through his brown locks. Soon his lips moved from hers towards her neck. “Missed me that much huh? It has only been a few hours.” She whispered as she bit her lip. “Even a second away from you feels like a century.” He whispered against her neck. Maeryn rolled her eyes but could not help the smile that was forming on her lips. “You are such a drama queen.” She said as she gently pushed him away. Alec chuckled and pecked her lips lightly before grabbing her hand and walking through the door of her room. Maeryn pulled her hair out of her ponytail and let her natural curls hang loose while Alec walked towards her CD collection. He picked up a Metallica CD and frowned slightly. “Yes?” she asked, knowing him well enough to know he wanted to share his opinion with her. “Why do you listen to this? It’s just sound.” Alec said looking at the track list on the back of the CD. “Hey! Do not insult one of the most amazing bands there is! Besides, I am pretty sure if Mozart had speakers and amps, metal and rock music would have been born ages ago, as with classic music everything had to become more complicated and louder as possibly could.” Maeryn said as she snatched the CD out of his hands before putting it back on the shelf. “I am afraid I will have to agree with you on that.” Alec said before wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her towards the bed. “Now, we got twelve hours to fill before Heidi arrives with our dinner. What to do?” he asked with a playful grin around his lips. “Hmm. I know a thing or two we can try.” Maeryn said, giving him a wink before gently kissing him on his lips… “That was a nice catch, Heidi.” Maeryn said after dinner was over. “Yes, they were rather juicy.” Heidi said grinning proudly. As Maeryn was making her way out of the throne room, Daemon along with some members of his gang walked in, ready to dispose of the bodies and clean up the room. Maeryn smiled kindly at him. “Hello Daemon.” “Good afternoon, Maeryn.” Daemon said as he slightly bowed for her. Maeryn rolled her eyes slightly but knew this was a formality he had to do, seeing as she was a vampire and superior to him. “How is the café doing?” Maeryn asked. Adolfo and Agnella both passed away three years ago, shortly after one another, and since then Daemon owned the café. “Business is booming. Many tourists love it and we even are able to expand the café. The dress shop next to it has gone bankrupt and we could buy it for a gentle price.” Maeryn smiled at the news. “That is very good to hear. How are the wife and kids?” Maeryn asked. Daemon married about five years ago to a beautiful redhead names Angel. And together they had a twin, a boy and a girl named Danny and Sandy. “They are all doing great.

Sandy is slowly taking her first steps and Danny said his first word yesterday. Although Angel and I are debating whether he said dada or mamma.” He said, Maeryn chuckled. “And what about you? Did Alec pop the question yet? I mean, mentioned a few months ago that you were ready if he would ask you.” “Not yet, but honestly it is Alec who wants to get married. It is what was usual in his era. And seeing as I am his forever, why not also make that commitment on paper and with golden rings.” Maeryn said jokingly. Daemon chuckled. “But on a serious note, no. He hasn’t asked me yet. But then again, we have forever, so no rush.” “That is true. Anyway, I better help the guys clean up. You guys have been quite messy today.” Daemon said before walking to the middle of the throne room, helping his mates to clean up the mess the vampires had left behind. Jane came skipping towards Maeryn, a happy grin plastered on her face. “Hello Jane, you seem joyful today. Did something, or someone, happen to you?” Maeryn asked. Jane rolled her eyes at Maeryn’s comment. Ever since the encounter ten years ago, Alec and Maeryn had been waiting for Jane to also find her mate, but Jane wanted nothing of it. She was happily single and had no intention of changing that anytime soon. “No. But Alec gave me the task of making you look pretty so come on. I already bought you a few new outfits and yes you have to fit them all.” Jane said as she grabbed Maeryn’s hand and dragged her to her room. “Please not another fifty outfits like the last time?” Maeryn asked horrified. “Nah, I got you forty-nine. Now come on.” Jane said as she closed the door behind her and gave Maeryn a few different dresses, jeans, shirts and shoes. Maeryn sighed softly but let Jane do what Jane loved to do. After all, what harm can it do, plus it makes her happy, Maeryn thought as she walked into the bathroom to change. “Aaaaand I am done! My masterpiece is a fact. Live my dear! Live!” Jane said. “Watched the monster of Frankenstein again, have you huh?” Maeryn asked. Jane gave her a goofy grin. “Yup. Now go look into the mirror.” She said as she pushed Maeryn towards the mirror. Maeryn was astonished. She looked absolutely gorgeous. She was wearing a beautiful, dark blue dress that reached just below her knees and it was decorated with different stones. A matching pair of dark blue heels accompanied her dress. Her hair was in her natural loose curls and a small, with pearls decorated hair clip held one side of her hair backwards. Her makeup was light and subtle, and in her ears, golden earrings with a ruby decorated shined in her earlobes. “You have surely outdone yourself Jane. It is beautiful.” Maeryn said. “Good. Now go on. Alec is waiting for you in the garden. Have fun!” Jane said with a knowingly smile. Maeryn chuckled and made her way towards the rose garden. The garden where Alec and her shared their very first kiss. The garden where she found out what he truly was, yet she loved him when he said that, and she still loved him now that she was a vampire herself. The rose garden was filled with an endless sea of candle light, and on the very bench where they shared their first kiss, sat Alec. His hair all neat, and wearing his best tuxedo. Once Maeryn came into his view, a bright smile reached his lips and as soon as she was close enough, he grabbed her close by her waist and kissed her softly, as if this kiss could be their last. Maeryn smiled and held onto his arms, kissing back. “You look absolutely stunning. Jane has outdone herself.” He whispered against her lips. Maeryn smiled. “She sure has.” Alec smiled and sat down, pulling her gently besides him while pouring both of them a glass of AB. They both took a small sip and watched as the small village of Volterra slowly grew quiet and the full moon lit up their faces and the garden. The hadn’t said much. Alec held onto her hand this whole time but he seemed slightly nervous. Although Maeryn couldn’t figure out why. “Maeryn?” Alec suddenly said, breaking the silence of the night. Maeryn looked up at him. “Yes, my

love?” “Before we went on our first holiday, I asked Adolfo and Agnella a very important question. I asked them for your hand. Now it has been eleven years since I asked them the question, and three since they both passed away. We have been together for almost twelve years and I can no longer wait.” He stood up, grabbed a small box from his pocked and sat down on one knee. “Maeryn, my love, my life. You are the sunshine in my life. Before you my life was a dark pit, with barely any love in it. We are bounded by our mate bond. But I also wish to be bound to you by marriage. I want to be able to call myself your husband, but most importantly, I want to be able to call you my wife. Will you do me the honour of being my wife?” he asked, never breaking eye contact as he opened the box. Inside laid a beautiful silver sing. It was decorated with three stones. One larger white diamond accompanied by two smaller rubies on both side of the diamond. Maeryn smiled and felt tears of happiness burn behind her eyes. She kissed him gently, but with a lot of passion. “Yes. I wouldn’t want anything else.” She whispered against his lips. Alec smiled and gently slid the ring onto her finger before kissing her passionately. And both Maeryn and Alec where floating in their own bubble of luck and happiness.

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers More, Blood Drama CD: 365 Days with a Vampire [Ruki ver.]

Original title: ヴァンパイアとの365日 ルキ編 ～ふたつの赤い痕～

Source: Diabolik Lovers MORE, BLOOD Limited V Edition Drama CD [CD not owned by me]

Audio: Here

Seiyuu: Takahiro Sakurai

Translator’s note:  I’m really enjoying these 365 days tracks so far! They’re the perfect length (around 10 min.) and the scenarios are really cute! I swear Rejet is trying so hard to make me forget about the fact Ruki is a cat murderer in MB because his voice and looks are just totally my type. > /// <  He shows a little more of his possessive side here, but in a strangely endearing way? It doesn’t feel as suffocating and overbearing as it does with some of the Sakamaki’s. 

Title: Two Red Marks

The scene starts at the shopping district.

“...With this we’ve bought everything on the list. Oi, the sun’s setting as well, we’re heading back soon.”

You seem to be spacing out.

“ーOi. Are you listening? I said we got everything so we’re heading back soon. What were you looking at so intently that even my voice no longer reached you?”

You point towards a yukata.

“A yukata? (1) You want to wear this? For someone who only wants to ‘watch’, you sure were enraptured by it. Enough to the point of even ignoring me. If you want it, should I buy it for you?”

You shake your head.

“You were looking at it because you want it, right?”

You hesitate.

“It isn’t that pricey. Who do you think has the wallet here? Exactly, it’s me. I’m saying it’s no problem, so there’s no need for you to hold back. I don’t know about you, but I feel proud being able to buy the things for the woman I love. ...If you want it, just honestly say so.”

You slowly nod.

“You should have just said so from the start. Well then, I’ll buy it. Which one do you want? Pick your favorite. ...Let’s see, for example...

Hm? What’s the matter? You’ve already made up your mind? Hold on one second. This is a rare opportunity, so you should take your time to select one carefully. 

...If you buy them in a couple set you get a discount? Aahー They’re running that kind of campaign. I suppose the men’s collection doesn’t sell as well if they don’t do it like this. 

ーMore importantly, why are your eyes sparkling like that?”

*TIMESKIP*

Footsteps can be heard, followed by someone taking a seat.

“Haah...This is totally not what I expected. Hm? I’m not upset or anything. I’m the one who wanted to buy it for you after all. However, I didn’t think I’d also end up wearing one.”

You compliment him.

“I don’t care if it looks good on me or not. Oh well, I suppose I’ll consider this an important experience. I’m in a good mood right now after all. ...The reason’s obvious, isn’t it? I’m satisfied getting to look at you wear a yukata. Heh. It fits you quite well. 

However, traditional clothing is sursprinsingly difficult to move around in. They are nice to look at, but I wouldn’t call them very practical. 

...Festival? Aahー I kind of get wanting to go there after putting on a yukata. Did you visit them as a child as well?”

You nod.

“I see. ...Ah. I don’t mind going together, but we’re not going wearing these. ー No, it’s not that I dislike the yukata. However...”

Ruki leans closer.

“...I don’t want anyone else to see you like this. Haah...Honestly, I didn’t even plan on having you wear it today. While I am glad about getting to see you like this, but having you try it on at the store was a miscalculation on my part. As a result, plenty of men have seen you on our way back home. I’m sure you didn’t realize though.”

You tilt your head.

“Huh? What do you mean ‘so what?’. Ahー You you did notice that at least. You’re right, I kept my arm wrapped around your waist the entire time not because it was hard to walk, but to let everyone around us know that this woman is mine.

If I hadn’t done that, I simply wouldn’t have been able to stand it. I bought it for you hoping that only I would be able to see you wear it...But my plans were spoiled. As if I could let you go outside wearing something that will attract guys like flies to honey...”

He kisses you.

“...Hm? What’s the matter?”

You seem a little upset.

“It’s not as if you can’t ever wear it again. Just like I said earlier, I do like it a lot. I’m only telling you not to wear it in front of others. Just stick to the house.”

You shake your head.

“Haah...I know. I’m asking for too much. You went out of your way to put it on, so I’m trying to be understanding of your wish to head out somewhere. However...Haah...I just can’t. I wouldn’t be able to endure seeing those horny guys look at you with their lustful eyes. 

That being said, I don’t want to be this possessive of a guy, so if you were to head out in those clothes, make sure to stay with me. Don’t leave my side for even one second. If you can promise me that, I don’t mind escorting you to a festival.”

You frantically nod your head.

“Ah...You’re being strangely obedient. I thought you’d fight for your freedom more. I see. You wanted to go with me so badly, so this outcome is exactly what you wished for, huh? 

‘It’s fine as you’re with me’ ー You say? ...You sure say some cute things.”

You furrow your brows. 

“Hm? I don’t really understand, but why are you worried about me? Ahー Like that. You don’t like other woman leering at me either, huh? Heh. So you do get jealous after all? No, it’s not bad. If anything, hearing you say those things, only makes me want to hog you all to myself even more. 

I know! I thought of something good. Something with merits for the both of us. ...All I have to do is leave my bite marks all over that lonely-looking neck of yours.”  

You pull back a little.

“If I do that, everyone will know at a glance that you belong to me, and that I only have eyes for you. ...Although, I’ll admit that this is nothing but an excuse, as part of me just simply craves for you right now.” 

You puff out your cheeks.

“It can’t be helped, right? Your nape’s exposed right in front of me like this. Furthermore, I can see it more clearly than usually. As a Vampire, it would be odd for me not to be lured in by this. ...I get tempted by the impulse of leaving a clear mark behind...Telling the whole world that you’re mine, you see.

...Here I comeー”

Ruki bites you.

“Haah...Aahー This is perfect. I can see the mark left behind by my fangs crystal clear. However...This might not be sufficient. Just in case, it might be best to leave another one. Right...This mark is the proof that you belong to a Vampire. And the second one...Nn...”

He bites down again.

“Hehe...There it is. This second mark is the proof that you belong to one man only. While you’re looking like this, I don’t mind heading outside with you. I doubt any of those losers out there will dare to make a move on you now.”

You get flustered.

“Hm? What’s there to be embarrassed about? There’s simply two red marks on your neck. If you’re that ashamed, give up on going outside. As long as you stay inside the house where nobody else is around, there’s nothing to worry about, right?”

You grow suspsicious. 

“Well...I wonder~? I simply gave in to my own desires. The greed that tells me I don’t want anyone else to see you, or anyone else to have you. Being honest with myself, you see. ー I’m the only one who can feel that way about you. No matter what desire it may be.”

ーー THE END ーー

Translation notes

(1) A yukata is a lighter, more simple version of a traditional Kimono. It doesn’t consist of as many layers and way more affordable than an actually Kimono. These yukata are usually worn to summer festivals or other festivities.  

[s7-evermore]

𝐃𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐓𝐄 [Preview]

↳ 𝔽𝕒𝕟𝕕𝕠𝕞: Ikemen Vampire x Ikemen Revolution 

↳ 𝔾𝕖𝕟𝕣𝕖/𝕤: Slice of life(?), misc... 

↳ ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕖𝕣: Sekiguchi Gin (OC)

↳ ℕ𝕠𝕥𝕖𝕤: I will be using some ikemen revolution characters as normal people in this story. Most of them will be around Gin’s age here or older...

𝔻𝕖𝕤𝕔𝕣𝕚𝕡𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟:

After the death of her grandfather, 15-year-old Gin is left in the hands of a mysterious relative of hers. He goes by the name Comte de Saint-Germain and he tells her everything that has been left unsaid between her and her grandfather...

[ GIN ]

𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞, I never saw things the same way other people did. Some say it's a blessing, some may say it's a curse, but along the way, I lost the idea of what those two words meant. The sky was especially blue today, not completely devoid of clouds, perhaps only small wisps of them, like the left behind cotton candy lingering in the cotton candy machine. They looked sweet just like them, drifting ever so slowly with the pace of the sun. 

I watched silently as people passed by, particles in different colors and shapes trailing behind them, lingering on their clothing or on their skin. The scent of the flowers on my front lawn was carried away by the wind, to the bees, and to the nostrils of my neighbor and his dog. 

My kind neighbor gazed at me with a sympathetic expression, but I paid no attention to it. I think I've had enough with receiving those kinds of looks now.

I sat outside the house I have now been living in alone for a few days since Gramps' death. I was waiting for someone, but I didn't know who.

Well, not exactly. I've seen Gramps writing and exchanging letters with him several times before. I never looked into those letters or read them at all whenever Gramps accidentally left them on the dining room table. But I remember how those letters looked from a distance. Cursive words were neatly written with elegant penmanship, matching the stationery it was inscribed on. 

To me, it looked like Gramps was exchanging words with someone from another time. Someone who was still stuck in the past, writing letters instead of emails, sending long messages through paper instead of simply DMing him. 

Gramps told me this person was a distant relative of mine on my father's side, which made me curious every time. I barely knew anything about my father, other than the fact that he was always craving for adventure, so much that he just... disappeared. 

I don't even remember much of my mother's face. Sometimes I hear her singing to me, the song was a blur, but I remember the tone of her voice, so tender and sweet. I only remember the way her hair flowed in the wind because we had the same hair color, but that was about it. Most of my childhood memories were hazy recollections of my mother and most of them were only about my grandfather and me. 

Gramps was probably the only one I had most memories of. I could remember almost every little thing about him. He would play songs from his old record player whenever we did spring cleaning once a week in the afternoon. His usual breakfast was avocado toast, eggs, and cheese paired with apple juice, and sometimes he'd make me the same meal when I said I didn't mind. 

He had a large study of his own, but I never went in it because I wanted to respect his privacy. I've snuck a few glances whenever he left the door slightly ajar, and I would see his scratched mahogany desk and his old reading lamp sitting on the corner of it. I remembered the tall shelf of books on the other side of the room, as well as the old grandfather clock whose hands were frozen in time. 

Gramps kept grandma's old china in a glass cupboard that I never bothered to touch, I always left Gramps to clean it because I never trusted myself with antiques like that. Also because next to that cupboard was a stash of his favorite sake, and I automatically knew I wasn't allowed to touch those. 

I remember the times when he would drop me off and pick me up from school, he would always tell me old jokes that we'd both laugh at. He always laughed hard when it came to jokes, he'd laugh harder at his own. 

I remember the times when I'd come home late after hanging out with my friends. He would always leave me dinner and he would either be asleep or working and writing in his study. Gramps never cared about who I made friends with as long as they weren't bad enough to make me commit crimes or murder someone. As long as I knew what I was doing, then he didn't mind what I did. Perhaps that was his way of letting me know that he respected my privacy too as I did with his. 

Gramps was basically the only family I thought I had, that was until a few months ago when he told me he'd reached out to an old friend of his, which happened to be the relative from my father's side. He told me he was from France, but he never truly told me his name. Gramps called him 'Comte' and said that was the only name most people referred to him by. 

I remembered my 14th birthday. Gramps received another letter from this Comte that night and told me it had come with a package for me. Although I knew it was from a stranger (that I now referred to as my distant relative who I had no idea even existed), I was excited to open it the moment Gramps said it was for me. When I unraveled the silk blue ribbon, I was astonished to find a golden butterfly hairclip resting against a velvet cushion, gleaming bright with opulence inside the cream white box. 

Gramps was the one who clipped it on my head the next day when I was preparing for school, he even told me not to take it off or ruin it as it was obviously expensive. So, I never did. I never took it off unless I had to take a shower or sleep. I always kept the hairpin near, in my bag, or tucked safely in my pocket. I cleaned it every now and then too, to maintain its gleam. 

Until now, as I waited, I felt the butterfly pin clipped on my hair. I wonder if this Comte guy would notice it?

Averting my eyes away from the sky once again, I look at the large rolled luggage next to me, filled with things I considered 'necessary', and the large guitar case that once belonged to my mother sitting next to it. 

You go through life thinking you need a lot. I thought the same thing when I was thinking about what to pack. Clothes for spring, summer, autumn, winter, a small collection of my favorite mangas and books, the cute stationery I've been collecting over the years, my favorite anime figurines and nendroids, and useless notebooks with stories surreal enough to consider a child's...

But the longer I let my mind roam, the more I realized that everything I deemed necessary didn't seem as important to me now as it was before. I remember taking all those things out of my travel luggage and shoved in the only few clothes I thought was my favorite, the scarf Gramps made for me when I was twelve, the two albums of CDs that I bought over the years with the money I saved, the CD player and the pair of headphones he bought for me during my 14th birthday (it was adorable. Some people would consider that word to be the last thing you'd call an elderly man, but how could he not be when he tried so hard to search about modern trends just to know what a typical teenager like me would like?), my switch, my wallet, and my phone, my camera, and a photo of my mother. 

I was only fifteen, and in the future half of these things might be useless to me, but I just had to keep them as a reminder that I did have a good childhood. One that I would be willing to look back on when I'm old enough. 

As for everything else, I will leave them as pieces of me. I thought that maybe leaving behind things I owned would be evidence that I lived in this house, alongside my grandfather and the memories he had before me. 

I previously thought that it would be too soon for me to get used to not having Gramps in my life. I was aware of the fact that someday, I'm gonna have to live life alone, perhaps start a new family if I was allowed to. Until now, I still couldn't get used to the foreign feeling of having him gone.

I saw the signs that foreshadowed events of my soon-to-be solitary life, but I thought if I innocently ignored them, they wouldn't happen so soon. 

Of course, I knew about his sickness. Despite my intelligence, I tried to keep hoping that he would at least be alive to see me grow into an adult, to send me to college, or even live long enough to see me get married like he did, like my mother did. I noticed the whites in his eyes getting yellower. I noticed his usually tanned skin getting paler and paler. 

I saw the bloody handkerchiefs he stuck into jars. Whenever I did the laundry, I took them out of there and removed the stains like it was the most natural thing. I recalled his lessons on stain removal, not just on clothes but on various things such as carpets, rugs, or even curtains. I folded those handkerchiefs like they hadn't been tainted with blood moments ago. I acted like he was still okay, like he was taking care of himself. 

But it all backfired in the end.

...

In front of my house stops an opulent car, causing me to immediately straighten up as I freed myself from the thoughts that plagued my mind. I narrowed my eyes suspiciously, my brows twitching when I spotted a man dressed in fine clothing stepping out of the car. 

Almost everything about him felt 'out-of-this-world'. His suit was obviously in the style of 18th-19th century European fashion, but it felt somehow modern that he stood out enough to be mistaken for an actor who had the role of a nobleman (the kind you see in anime or in dramas). His hair seemed to shine like specks of gold under the sun. His eyes were just shrouded with mystery, the kind that makes you think he had already seen everything, from the beginning of time up to the day earth is shattered by an asteroid. 

To conclude, he looked like a man straight out of a drama, and I never thought I'd live long enough to meet such a person. 

I slid my headphones around my neck as he approached me with a gentle smile, the kind that could mean a lot of things other than 'kindness'. I knew he was being genuine with his actions, but it was the constant wariness that I felt around other people that made me think otherwise. Things that don't appear to be what they truly are throw me off, I forgot if I was ever like this before.

He looked human, but he didn't feel like it. 

The man crouched in front of me. I was sitting on one of the steps, clutching tightly on the CD player in my hands. 

His gaze softens as he speaks, "You must be Gin."

I nod, "Yeah. Are you... Comte?"

I’ve been thinking about posting this for a while now, though I think it will mostly end up being a series of random one-shot stories of my OC interacting with IkeVamp and IkeRev characters. Since Gin is only fifteen (15), her relationship with the ikevamp characters will remain platonic, their interactions are going to be a brother/sister kind of thing. 

Such is not the case with the ikerev suitors though. Like I mentioned in the notes, they will be around Gin’s age. 

Also, if you still can’t tell, Gin has a type of synesthesia that allows her to see smells or scents as small shapes and colors.

[lunawings]

King of Prism All Stars Prism Show Best 10! Initial thoughts/summary/review

So I’m going to be splitting this post into several sections with space in between to make it easier for people maybe to skip over spoilers they don’t want to read. 

Table of contents is as below: 1.) Day 1 Greeting Show Live Viewing brief event report 2.) Weekly theatrical video (week 1)  3.)1-10 Ranking and my personal thoughts 4.) New content (intro, ending, in-betweens, etc) 5.) Shin’s new show

1.) Day 1 Greeting Show Live Viewing brief event report

They had a live viewing for one of the greeting shows in Toyko. It was attended by Junta Terashima (Shin), Masashi Igarashi (Minato), and Takuma Nagatsuka (Leo). 

The day 1 greeting shows are always kinda awkward. Especially if it’s a live viewing and ESPECIALLY if it’s before the show because they aren’t allowed to give spoilers. 

Masashi Igarashi seemed even MORE pumped and emotional than usual. You could tell he really wanted to talk about Minato making it into the ranking, which should be a surprise for no one because he was really high in the preliminary ranking, but he still wasn’t allowed to talk about it. 

So he had to like dance all around it with wide hand gestures about how.... these ten shows.... and how amazing it was...... that these particular shows...... hahah ahhh man you could tell it was torture for him and torture to watch. 

Naganyan said that if by chance Leo made it in, he wanted us all to shout IIZE! for him. 

At one point the showed off kanji they wrote to symbolize the new year (a Japanese tradition). Junta said he wrote 変 I think (the first kanji in “change” but it also means strange) but he didn’t have the board with him for some reason so I wonder if he messed it up backstage and they didn’t have another one? Haha. Naganyan wrote 華 (flower). Masashi wrote 手 (hand) and he talked about how hands can symbolize a lot of things, like holding hands and “taking that first step” but then he was like “wait that’s feet....” And it was said in a way where it was difficult to tell if he only just realized that now or not. Judging from Junta and Naganyan’s reactions maybe it wasn’t on purpose hahaha. But then he doubled down on it, and as he was explaining why hands are significant he kept forcefully grabbing Junta’s hand and being like “See? Don’t you feel something??” while Junta was just kinda looking at him like “ummm”. 

I love these dorks so much they’re my favorite. EVERY SINGLE TIME I see them at an event together, Masashi Igarashi just goes on this HUGE rant about something and Junta Terashima is like “...........................................what?” (And Takuma Nagatsuka, if he is there, is like slowly inching away from them.)

I CAN’T WAIT to see them for real in Nagoya next weekend AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. 

2.) Weekly theatrical video (week 1)

So King of Prism movies always have rotating intro or ending videos exclusive to the theater. (The first movie had the characters appealing to be in the Prism King Cup, Pride the Hero had the regional dramas, and SSS had shorts after the credits.) Best 10 has “Prism Star Interviews”. Basically, you hear audio of one character interviewing another which plays to a static image of the characters. 

Week 1 had Shin interviewing Hiro, Yu interviewing Kouji, and Taiga interviewing Kazuki. It was fairly low key. Hiro talked about getting his driver’s license, Kouji talked about sending weird food photos to Minato from abroad, and while Taiga was interviewing Kazuki someone (implied to be Kakeru) slipped him the question “Which do you prefer, tigers or dragons?” After going back and forth for a while, Kazuki ultimately says he likes them both because they are both strong. Taiga is not too happy about this. 

Something to note about the intro videos is this time is they have four weeks’ worth planned, but there are only three courses of the movie. This means the course and intro video are not necessarily connected and as time goes on it will get out of sync and you won’t be sure which intro video you’ll see. I feel like this was probably done on purpose. After a while we never knew what intro videos we would get for the first movie and it was kinda exciting. 

3.) 1-10 Ranking and my personal thoughts

10.) Yu / Shiny Stellar (SSS) 9.) Taiga / Fly in the sky  (SSS) 8.) Shin/Shine / Platonic Sword  (SSS) 7.) Yukinojo / Hyakkaryouran   (SSS) 6.) Leo / Twinkle Twinkle  (SSS) 5.) Kazuki / Freedom (Thunder Storm ver.) (Pride the Hero) 4.) Minato / Sailing  (SSS) 3.) Kakeru / Orange Flamingo  (SSS) 2.) Shiny 7 Stars [SePTENTRION] / Brilliant Oath  (SSS) 1.) Hiro / pride (Prism King ver.) (Pride the Hero)

So I think the voting for this was actually pretty fair. Basically, people who bought the SSS soundtrack CD got a code which could be used to vote only once. So although it would technically be possible to buy hundreds of CDs to try and sway the vote, I kiiiinda doubt that happened? It’s not like event tickets.

First of all, I was surprised at how low Taiga ranked considering he’s always been the most popular SePTENTRION member. But then again, although I really like him too, there are several SePTENTRION member shows I would have voted for before him. I guess that’s because I would assume everyone else would vote for Taiga so he doesn’t need my help? So maybe everyone else thought that way too that’s what happened. 

I’m also shocked at how high Leo is. He beat Yukinojo. HE BEAT TAIGA. After his ranking was announced the first time I actually started crying during his performance just because I hadn’t seen it in a while, and also I had literally JUST finished translating this.... so I was just like..... MY SONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN IM SO PROUD OF YOU (....dammit I forgot to yell IIZE. MY SONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN)

Platonic Sword is at 8 which is OK sure. But you know, to be honest, although I was so distressed by this show at first I’m actually kinda diggin’ it now that I’m used to it because it’s a whole lot easier to enjoy out of context (I don’t have to see Shin crying every time). But it’s just really weird to have THAT smacked right there it at number 8, right in the middle-ish. This supposedly 0 karat show. 

0 karats my ass. 

AND MINATO AT NUMBER 4 AHHHHHHHHHHHH 

I can’t believe it. After all this time. He finally FINALLY got the recognition he deserves. The only SePTENTION member who ranked higher than him is Kakeru and I have no complaints about that because I definitely agree Kakeru deserves that number 3 spot. (You know, I wonder if this means Kakeru actually surpassed Taiga at some point to be the most popular SePTENTION boy? I’m just so used to it being Taiga, but..)

Hiro at number 1 feels right. I’m happy with it. It would be the same in-universe too. (Actually in-universe it would be like ALL Over the Rainbow but y’know.)

It’s really crazy how all of SePTENTION made it in (if you count Platonic Sword for Shin, although they did credit it as Shin/Shine which was nice). I think that’s part of what Masashi Igarashi was trying to say at the theater greeting: To think that the new cast could have come this far. To think that exactly four years ago I left the theater after seeing the first movie for the first time, and I couldn’t even remember over half their names... and look where they are now!!

Although I am certainly not unhappy with the results, and I know the SSS shows are... objectively better, it did make me a little sad that nothing made it in from the first movie at all though. Because those shows had a bigger emotional impact on me overall. I don’t regret using my vote for Minato, because I feel better having contributed to him getting the recognition he deserved than I would have if I had voted for something that didn’t stand a chance. But at the same time, Shin’s Over the Sunshine at the end of the first movie is probably the most important prism show to me, in actuality. 

But they are doing different courses to show the prism shows that didn’t make it in. The first week they are showing a montage of all of Over the Rainbow’s shows. Watching them back-to-back with the SSS shows in this movie really highlighted how old they look in comparison, especially the Hiro/Kazuki Boy Meets Girl. Back when the only texture they used was for Hiro’s stomach...

But anyway, the credits revealed the other courses will show Alexander, Joji, The Shuffle, and Louis’ shows. It is also rather sad that none of the Schwarz Rose boys made it in. Especially since Alec is so popular! I wonder if Alec fangirls didn’t vote for Survival Dance in protest since Alexander has never gotten an original song. I felt the saddest about Louis though... because Shota Aoi and his voice and...... (C.... Can I just slip in the back room, cut out Platonic Sword, and edit in I know Shangri La?)

PS. I think the shows were pretty close to the same versions we saw originally. One notable change is that they added in some subtitles for cheering. Specifically “SHISHO!!!” in Yukinojo’s show and “YO! Daddy I did it!” in Kakeru’s. So I guess we were originally supposed to yell that. (Oops.) As I hoped it would be, Brilliant Oath was also stitched together without that long break in the middle, so in this version it just looks like SePTENTRION created the goddess on their own with their prism jump. But hey! It’s nice to have a complete version. Also Platonic Sword was missing the Prism Axel. (Maybe that’s another reason I could enjoy it this time around.)

As is tradition, the credits are set to a new SePTENTRION song. This one is called Love Gravity.

4.) New content (intro, ending, in-betweens, etc)

There are two new, very brief, traditionally animated segments. The first one is a cold open of SePTENTRION as power rangers fighting Alexander. What makes this even more hilarious is it basically starts right where the original Prism Show Best 10 left off. They even used the exact same background I think!? Some of the boys’ ranger costumes are... interesting... Kakeru’s (and I’m afraid this won’t translate that well to English so I might as well explain it now) is missing the entire backside. The joke is about the contrast between his two sides (business and party: lit his front vs back in Japanese). I think this segment also has the first ever anime/movie reference to Alexander being weak to Leo. (It’s referenced in Prism Rush all the time.)

The second new traditionally animated segment is at the end, and it involves SePTENTRON in the bath discussing different genres of dramas or movies they could do now that their careers have taken off. I’m pretty sure it’s a metaphor for “So much has happened in King of Prism, what now?” After all the discussion of different genres, Shin starts to get worried it means they won’t do prism shows together anymore. But they all agree that of course they will. 

Then there are the Dorachi and Torachi segments. They are simplified and look as though they were animated in flash. In addition to counting down the Best 10, Dorachi and Torachi also have two language teaching sessions. First Dorachi teaches us some “useful” English phrases, i.e. Alexander’s “Go to hell!” etc. Then Torachi teaches us Aomori dialect. What makes this sequence so hilarious is how seriously they take it. Like, as seriously as you could imagine a chibi tiger and chibi dragon teaching you something would be. The Aomori dialect was pretty challenging too, and Torachi actually broke down the sentences, pointing out where the intonation was different and like.... IT WAS ACTUALLY EDUCATIONAL. LIKE..... I ACTUALLY LEARNED SOMETHING. The first two sentences we practiced in Aomori dialect were Taiga’s dad asking him if he thinks his grades can get him into high school, and that random background character saying the nebuta floats won’t be ready in time. But then we got a completely new Taiga line of him confessing to someone which needless to say was NOT in the show BUT...... the background was clearly the scene from the end of episode 3 when Taiga was trying to tell Kazuki something. Pfff. 

There is also a longish short anime during the intermission done in the same style. Torachi finds Dorachi out of power, and the two get lost together trying to find a power source to charge him. Meanwhile Taiga and Alexander don’t come looking for them until after dark because they are too busy fighting. Moral of the story: Dorachi and Torachi are secret BFFs and Alexander and Taiga are terrible parents.  

5.) Shin’s new show

My...... heart............................... my heart felt so full............. nnnghghhgphhhh.........

The context is that Shin is finally performing the song Yu wrote him in the costume Leo made for him at the Rose Party. So it’s taking place chronologically after SSS. 

Daisuki Refrain is a very heavy audience participation song. Perhaps the most intended participation in a King of Prism song we have had so far? There is a beat to clap to, callouts, and even a dance in the middle and it’s pretty clear even during your first viewing what you’re supposed to be doing at all times. 

Also, as I guessed from seeing Junta Terashima perform at the CD release event, Shin’s hat is a huge part of his choreography. What I did not guess is that it’s also a magic hat that grows and you can ride on it if it fills up with prism sparkle hahahah.

Ahhh man.............

....Okay. If you have seen it, I know you’re probably expecting me to talk about that.... one part...... So. I will. Okay. Here goes. 

At one point in his performance, Shin partially obscures his right eye while his left eye shines red. W......Why is that in there WH--okay I kinda know why. I think Shin has been gaining a lot of popularity recently since the end of SSS specifically because of Platonic Sword, and because he has that edge now. So although they gave him a happy, fluffy, traditional Shin show, they still put in a little fanservice for the fans who like the edge. A little reminder that he’s still in there. While I’m like.... YOU... YOU STAY IN THERE. IM WATCHING YOU. Ahahaha. 

One thing though, I could have sworn in the preview showing that Shin’s right eye (the one which would be yellow if he was Shine) was completely obscured.  But when I saw it again on the premiere day, I could see it was only partially obscured and it was clearly the normal red. So. Surely I was just so surprised that they did that in the first place that I just didn’t fully register it. It’s not like they changed it in between the preview and the premiere, right..... RIGHT?

Right. 

Okay moving on sorry that was too long. Haha seriously that scene is like 2 seconds and Shin’s show is SO CUTE AND SO GOOD. I really REALLY did like it and I’ve been singing the song all day. 

And his new prism jump......................

I........

Nnngfdnnnphhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I really don’t want to spoil itttttttttt..... while I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you just wait and experience it for yourself firsthand like I did, at the same time.... not gonna lie... I also really want to talk about it. Because Shin. So I’m gonna end this post here but also write about it at the end anyway. So if you absolutely must know. It’s down there. 

But. 

Thanks for reading! READY SPARKING!

<3

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Okay so Shin’s new prism jump. It’s called Mugen Hug Together.

And it’s basically. 

A reverse Mugen Hug. 

So Shin Mugen Hugs the crowd, but then the crowd reflects it back to him and he’s like AAAAUUUGH and, of course, it takes all his clothes off. 

(And then there’s like an uncomfortably long black screen. Where it’s like.... did we kill Shin?)

(Did we kill him? With our love?)

(We did not.)

(I guess he needed time to get his clothes back on.)

Shin has one of his speeches where he says he’s embarrassed about how he wanted us to feel good but the opposite happened. Then the second part of the jump starts (or I guess it may technically be a second jump), part of which can be seen in the trailer. The part where you take Shin’s hand and he gets wings. Then he takes you around the world. 

The end. 

[purplesurveys]

939

Are you afraid of lifts? I only feel afraid if I’m the only person riding the elevator. If I ever got locked inside I’d always feel a lot better if there’s at least one other person stuck with me. Otherwise I try not to be too bothered by lifts.

Who did you last talk to in person? Is that person attractive? That would be my mom and yes, I think she’s very attractive. Not in that way of course, but you know what I mean. She looks very young for her age and we always get mistaken as sisters.

Have you ever had a deep, personal conversation with a stranger? As much as possible I don’t like having deep conversations with someone I barely know, but sometimes I can’t escape the situation and I end up being a part of those talks. The nicest conversation I had was with a client during my first internship – he has his own company now, but over breakfast he told me about his struggles, his old unfulfilling 9-5 job, and gave me so much valuable life advice. He was so genuine and so nice and at that time I stopped minding the fact that he was a stranger and I’d most likely never encounter him again.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your own appearance? Why? Probably an 8. I don’t have a problem with my physical features for the most part, but I don’t like my front teeth and that my body hair is thicker and grows more quickly than average. Those are the two things that mess with my self-esteem the most, and the two factors that took out the missing two points.

Who was the last person to send you a message on Facebook? When was the last time you saw that person? Rita. I probably saw her sometime in early March. Maybe during a board meeting for our org before the lockdown was implemented.

If you decided, at this moment in time, that you were going to make a sandwich, what would you put on it? Assuming my hypothetical pantry is full, I would go for a southern-style chicken sandwich with chicken breast and spicy mayo. My stomach just rumbled, what have you doneeeeee

Are you good at controlling your emotions, or do you tend to let them get the better of you? It’s 50/50 at best. Sometimes I let self-control win since it’s usually the most responsible choice and it’s also to avoid drama, but there are days where I recognize that self-care is just as important and so I allow myself a healthy release whether the release is one of sadness or resentment or anything else. Repressing my emotions and letting them bubble up over time isn’t healthy, either.

At this moment in time, what do you want the most? Normalcy. 

How many times have you cried over the person you love/like? Too many.

How exactly are you feeling right now? Why do you feel the way you do? I haven’t been feeling anything in particular these days. To be honest, I’ve just been doing a lot of...floating around, existing, trying to make it to the end of the day unscathed. I believe I’m feeling this way because there’ve been a lot of major life changes happening and I simply wasn’t prepared to deal with all of them simultaneously.

What’s the relationship status of the last person that put their arms around you? She’s been married for the last 23 years to my dad.

Has the last person you held hands with, ever told you that they love you? Yeah.

Is there someone you used to hang out with all the time, and now you don’t anymore? If so, do you ever miss that person? Why do you think your relationship changed?   Sure, Sofie’s the first person I thought of because we used to be the best of friends. We simply grew apart when college started, since she studied in Manila and I was all the way in another city. It would’ve been too difficult to keep up the friendship with both of us also starting to have different goals and priorities, as well as new friends. I miss her sometimes, but I’m not desperate to see her anytime soon. I’m sad to see our relationship fizzle out the way it did, but we’re both pretty happy and have been doing well and that’s enough for me.

Who was the last person you talked to, whose name started with ‘H’? What color are that person’s eyes? I don’t know a lot of H people so it was probably Hannah even though I haven’t talked to her in a while. Her eyes are dark brown/black, like nearly every Filipino.

Who was the last person you talked to, whose name started with ‘M’? How did you meet that person? OMG this was so tough to think about. The only person I can think of is Angela but that’s only because her first name is actually Maria. We met on the first day of 1st grade, back in 2005. I accidentally stabbed her with a newly-sharpened pencil and made her palm bleed, and for some insane reason a lifelong friendship was established that day.

The person you love/like is offered a job in another country. Would you let them go, or try and convince them to stay? Let them, because that was what we agreed on.

Is there anyone you dislike so much, that you actually can’t stand to be around them? Back in college I hated being anywhere near a frat guy. They all had the same vibe, had the same fashion sense, used the same slang, had the same shitty work ethic so I always knew whenever one was nearby.

When was the last time you wanted to cry, but didn’t, because you didn’t want to show that you were upset? Why? I’ve been hiding my emotions and my tears from my family the whole month because we’re not a showy family when it comes to our feelings. We deal with our emotions privately, in our own bedrooms.

If you found out that someone had been talking about you behind your back, would you confront them? I probably only would if they’ve always been super nice to me to my face but talking shit about me if I’m not around. It would be something I’d want to get into the bottom of.

Which do you think is worse - saying something and then wishing you hadn’t, or not saying something and wishing you had? I hate nothing more than being too afraid to say something and then never having the space to say it again. That’s the type of regret that stays with me and keeps me up at night.

Do you know anyone who seems almost incapable of showing their emotions? I wouldn’t say I know anyone exactly like this, but I know of people who have built a great big wall around themselves and are super defensive when it comes to their emotions in a way that you’ll never know if they’re going through something. The first person I thought of was JM.

What are 3 things that are guaranteed to make you smile, or put you in a good mood? Good Mythical Morning, seeing my orgmates, and driving. Driving seems to put me in a really good mood these days, though that’s likely because I haven’t had to do it as often as I used to.

Do you look more like your mum or your dad? I’m a carbon copy of my mom, I’ve been told more times than I can count.

When was the last time you saw your grandparents? I last saw my paternal grandparents in February; with my maternal grandma, two Thursdays ago. I have not seen my maternal grandpa since June or July 2015.

Have you ever felt really attracted to someone, but been deterred because you found out they didn’t have a very nice personality? No. If I get attracted to someone, that means I’ve already decided that they’re attractive on all fronts, including their attitudes and personality.

Have you ever hugged/kissed someone you’d only just met? Probably when I was out drinking, yes.

Where is the person you would most like to see/be with? There is no such person.

When was the last time you bought a CD/DVD? Which one was it? The last CD I bought was Beyoncé’s self-titled album, but I can’t remember if I bought it in late 2013 or early 2014.

Have you ever gone against someone’s advice and then regretted it? I don’t usually ask my friends for advice since I don’t want to possibly be the jerk that asks for advice but goes against them. I’ve always just gone with whatever I think is best for myself.

Would you ever apologize for something that wasn’t your fault? Welcome to my life.

What’s been the best thing about your day so far? I’ve done a good share of self-care activities today...I actually got up in bed and have been taking surveys, I ate a lot for breakfast, I took a shower, and fixed myself a cup of coffee. The bar has been set very low since August obviously, but considering I’ve been skipping out on a great deal of activities that used to make me happy, I’m just glad I accomplished several today. It’s the little joys, guys.

Has anyone ever cried in your arms before? I can only recall one person who’s done this.

Who was the last person you talked to, whose name started with ‘C’? Is that person older or younger than you? Tina, but her full name is Christina so she counts. I keep forgetting she’s a year older than me.

Do you keep a lot of things from your parents? Yes. They know my good side - my awards, achievements, job prospects, all the shiny stuff they can be proud of. They don’t need to know how mentally fucked their firstborn actually is, because it’s not like they’d know how to deal with all that weight.

Who was the last person you confided in? Do you regret it? Angela. Not at all. She’s been my rock for the last 15 years.

What was the last film you watched, that you hadn’t seen before? What kind of film was it? What did you think of it? I’m Thinking of Ending Things is a psychological thriller. It’s not for the faint of heart, especially those who’ve been feeling depressed and/or existential lately. It certainly didn’t make me feel good and I wish I could unwatch it, not because it was bad but because it was a bit too triggering.

Have you ever had an argument with the last person you hugged/kissed? Lots.

Using one word only, describe the day you’ve had so far. Lonely.

[found at i-like-to-take-surveys]

[erineliz]

I spent a lot of time thinking about and writing about my favorite Taylor Swift albums of all time and ranking them. It was a lot of work but I’d love to see other fans rankings and read why. Here’s mine:

1.folklore

2.fearless

3.reputation

4.taylor Swift

5.speak now

6.Red

7.lover

8.1989

So now that folklore has been out awhile, I’ve listened to it, memorized it, loved it. I’ve been reminiscing on old albums now, as you do. My album ranking opinion is probably a super unpopular one in the t-swift fandom that I follow but, I’m a different kind of swiftie I suppose. So I’ll try to further explain my opinions on these albums.

Starting from the bottom,

1989: this is last for me but in no way means it’s a bad album, I mean something has to be last but this one just was not my wildest dream lol. It started off with the release of shake it off before the rest of the album and this was the beginning of Taylor releasing my least favorite song first on quite a few albums (followed by LWYMMD and YNTCD, but we’ll get to those later) I love, love,love blank space and it was a huge bop for a long time after I first heard it. Prob the only thing that made me even want to listen to the rest of the album. Because, as you can see red didn’t fall very high on my list so to follow it up with just shake it off made me kind of feel like, am I over t Swift? 😯 shocking, I know. I was a senior in college when this was released, blank space was played loudly at a few house parties and I loved that everyone loved it too, not just me; a long time lover of swift. It always feels like an I told you so moment when people who aren’t swifties like one of her songs. I never bought this album, and didn’t have Apple Music at the time so I feel like I never really gave it the time and appreciation it deserved. Almost every song on it became a single and I did like a lot of them. The first time I heard New Romantics was when my sister was playing the deluxe cd in her car and I was like, what is this? I loved that song. I think I then looked into the album more and listened to the rest. It was ok, I liked clean because I was going through a breakup. I liked how you get the girl, I thought it was creative and also kind of related to my break up. Out of the woods was too repetitive for me, the rest of the songs were played on the radio so much that they just became overplayed and annoying to me. So yeah, although this was her most successful album by far, I think it was just too mainstream, over played and not for me! But still good overall, you know, because, it’s Taylor Swift.

Lover: it was hard for me to put this this low, because again, not a bad album. It started off by Releasing YNTCD and Me! Before the rest of the album and again I was just like meh... but I knew better in my career as a swiftie that these two singles meant nothing for what the rest of album would be. I really like a lot of the songs on this album, London boy, daylight, false god, cruel summer, the man..all really good! But just nothing that went down as a favorite swift song of all time. I love the aesthetic of this album, probably one of my faves. I love that it’s about love, it came out last year, right when I bought a house with my lover, and I listened to it many hours while painting our walls before we moved in. I feel like Taylor and I have gone through it all together, and lover was the epitome of where my relationship was with my fiancé, just like her and joe 💕 we made it through all the heartbreaks and this was the purple pink sky at the end of the tunnel! But still, she has made way better music IMO.

Red: This is the swift album that everyone thinks got snubbed by the Grammy’s. Most swifties would scoff at this ranking as well. But..again not a bad album, this album has some of her BEST songs/lyrics. But..also it has, and it hurts me to say this, some of her worst as well. Red is good, but if we’re taking albums as a WHOLE, that you can listen too without any skips, this is not that one for me. This album does have some of my favorite of all time songs: all too well(give me the 8 minute version,damnit), red, state of grace, treacherous. But then it also has..stay,stay,stay which I really think is just like, so corny and fake, you can tell it’s not about her life, it’s like a little country twangy but still like bubble gum pop. It just rubs me the wrong way and gets a skip when listening. This album was a huge turning point in her country to pop timeline and it has a good mix of her pop bops along with her pretty little guitar poetry. The pop singles on this album were not my fave. 22 is fun, I was 20-21 when this came out and everyone was jamming 22 on their 22nd b-days. IKYWT got sooo overplayed and annoying. Same with WANEEGBT. I love my t-swift deep cut, sad songs but some of these were just trying too hard at that, like sad beautiful tragic and the moment I knew. They were just tooo dramatic for me. But idk, maybe it’s just because I wasn’t going through heartbreak when this came out, I was about 3 years into a 6 year relationship so heartbreak hadn’t been relatable for awhile and wasn’t going to be for awhile longer. I loved the duets with Ed and Gary, so glad we got that again on folklore! I also think that this album appeals way more to a younger audience. I think I grew up a little by 2012 compared to when I was crying over boys listening to the first albums, not just in a sense of heartbreak but also like just the parts of red that are a little corny to me. I think she was still aiming for the young teeny bopper pop and I was kind of growing out of that stage in music, broadening my horizons if you will. I started listening to swift when I was like 15. I think I just was a little ahead of the target generation that this album was made for: But I still just wasn’t done with her or this album due to the minor cheesy parts. Because then she puts shit on there like the fucking bridge of all too well and I’m like ok she is still the greatest writer of all time. This was a long explanation for red, but I have so many feelings about it. And also, yeah.. it didn’t deserve a Grammy, all things considered. All too well could have had one for song of the year, but whatever.

Speak Now: this was a good album, I think it was very similar to fearless but not quite as iconic. fearless has kept its high rank over the years so because this was so similar, I can’t put it too low. It was exactly what I wanted after fearless, also I think it kind of explains too why red was a bit of a let down..it was a huge change from fearless and speak now. I guess I’m just slow to adapt to change? But anyways speak now has some of the best deep cuts, dear john, last kiss both so beautifully written. Real, raw. We all knew who they were about and the drama of these relationships was exciting because these were the days that’d we’d all hear stuff about who she was dating but never get the full story. then later hear about it in her albums..it was nice to get that kind of honesty from a celebrity, made us feel like we really knew her. Sparks fly is up there as favorite song of all time. Mean was such a clap back to her critics and had the country vibe and twang from her first album. Also, this album had songs about John Mayer, joe Jonas, Taylor lautner..and Kanye west? All huge names at the time. I have to admit, the Kanye west innocent song was a huggeee let down at the time. I know this bitch had worse thing to say than “you’re still an innocent” but..she was very deep into playing her nice girl role at the time. So thank god there was a rep era later on down the road! I was a freshman in college when this came out. Living in dorm rooms, listening to music on my laptop late at night with the lights out.

Taylor Swift: this is up there, because it just has to be. This is where it all started. Listening to country radio, hearing Tim McGraw for the first time. I myself being a huge Tim McGraw fan thinking, I hope someone does think of me when they think of Tim McGraw lol. And then, just on a whim somehow, looking up other songs by her..just to see. Now in 2006, looking up songs by an artist wasn’t as easy a task as it is now. I illegally downloaded music on limewire still at this point. And would then burn it to cds. And would later get my first iPod and transfer everything to that, because who wants to pay a dollar per song on iTunes? I’m sorry Taylor, but Not my mother. So, being 14-15, I had to find my own ways. Stay beautiful, our song, cold as you, picture to burn, should’ve said no..these songs were the words I was looking for in high school, going through teenage love and heart ache. Feeling the exact same way as her and wanting to just write these words on a paper and fucking send it to all these boys who made me sad. Wanting to be a famous singer just so these people could see how I feel and how they ruined everything. Pretending that Mary’s song was the story of my lover and I in an imaginary world. Like, for real. This album did something to me, because of this album no matter what happens in this life, if Taylor puts out music, I’m going to listen to it..just to see.

Reputation: this album was a huge turning point for her. And for me, as her fan. It was after 1989, so I wasn’t like, obsessively waiting to see what would be next. The whole cancel tswift thing happened and I heard about it, but it wasn’t like a huge deal. I was on her side, she didn’t do anything wrong and people were so quick to jump down her throat. but musically after 1989, I was not a hardcore swiftie, I still hadn’t adapted to the all pop era. I needed my Taylor swift on a guitar, pouring her heart out in her lyrics. And then, this happened and it was, for me, way better pop than anything on 1989 or red, by far. I was back to my obsessive swiftie ways, but in a whole new way. Every song on the album was a jam, she was speaking her mind, finally saying wayy more about kanye (and kim, ugh) than what we got on speak now.(ironic, because to me this album is when she really started to speak and didn’t play the nice girl anymore) not only that but, this was a love album and I related to it in so many ways. I was finally out of that 6 year relationship, and had a bit of a “reputation” (not really, but some bridges were burned and people talk a lot about things they no nothing about when you end something that lasted 6 years) and I had met someone new. I related to every love song on this album so much and it meant so much because, like Taylor, after all the bullshit that happened, finding the right person is everything. She had never been more relatable. I feel like her pop music finally grew up enough for me. She was doing pop in a new way and I was here for it.

Fearless: this one has stood the test of time. A classic. No skip album. Country, but her first intro to pop crossover with love story, but unlike a lot of her early pop hits, love story didn’t get old and overplayed for me. It’s not like my favorite song now, but when it blew up, I was about it. Beautiful writing on this whole album. It was the first album I bought. The physical cd. It came out when I was just learning to drive. Driving on my own and blasting this album singing at the top of my lungs along with it with no one to tell me to turn it down or change the song solidified the love story I had with fearless. Blasting you’re not sorry over and over again, (a top 5 song of all time) it made me want to learn to play piano (I didn’t). White horse playing on grays anatomy (my fave show at the time). Listening to fifteen at age 16 for the first time thinking, yes this is so true and I’m so much older and wiser now 🤣 . I was a colbie caillat fan before I knew who Taylor was. Hey Stephen was cute AF. Wished that I had the courage to say things like that to my crushes. Forever and always after my first breakup. It just hit so hard. I can always go back to this album, and have, over the years. My first tswift concert with my only other friend that liked her. It was before any of the drama that came out in the news about her. It’s when She started to blow up in popularity, I’d start to religiously follow things she was doing, interviews, videos on tour, and fell in love with her personality. This girl was talented and hilarious and pretty and smart. I wanted to be her so bad.

Folklore: although it’s still new and fresh, I really think it’s the best yet. For me it’s Taylor swift come full circle. It has the writing, some of her best lyrics yet. It has the age and wisdom that we have watched her gracefully acquire over the years. It’s not pop but it still has the catchy tunes that get stuck in your head, but in a quieter, simpler way. It takes loads more talent to get these songs on the charts than it did with her tried and true formula that she has used in the past for a pop song. She perfected that art, but this is a new level now. It’s not trying too hard, it’s honest. It’s still about love and how far she (and I 😭) have come in that journey. Yet it still has the heartbreak, teenage angst that only she can describe so beautifully. Cardigan might be best of all time. Betty takes me back to something on fearless. Mirror ball and August are light, airy, upbeat and just unique. TLGAD is her storytelling at its finest, yet also a quick fuck you to those who think she’s “ruined” anything. She had a marvelous time. It’s also that personal level, we’ve seen the photos of her and all her friends at this house and it just makes you feel like you’ve been there or something. Exile takes me back to red and I love this duet so much. Invisible string is so.well.written. The concept, so beautiful. The story of her and joe. Details we’ve never heard before. The lakes really ties it all together for me. It’s everything. We’re all isolated right now, but this song speaks to me so much. I’m not a big social media person, I like the simple things in life. I like to read, to write, my circle of friends is dwindling as we all get older and that’s ok because I have the love of my life and that’s all I need. It also speaks to how isolated I feel as a t swift fan, not that there is any shortage of swifties out there, but all the people I am close with are not fans of hers. And that’s fine, we have different tastes in music, whatever. But to me the best thing about Taylor has always been her writing, her poetry. I like the sad sappy songs, I want the auroras and sad prose (I also love the concept of not moving for years) this song has it all, even another subtle fuck you to her critics again. Who are you to tell her what her words are worth? They are better than any other artists’ out there. So many other dumb ass musicians out there that don’t even write any of their music who want to say Taylor isn’t “that great”. To me her words are everything. Folklore is everything. And it’s all hers! That’s huge. I feel like with her owning more of her shit now she can also be free to do whatever the fuck she wants. There’s no pressure for a tour on this album, (fucking covid 🙄) which may have influenced how she wrote it..no fancy dance numbers needed here. Without a big record label down her throat too she may have had more freedom, maybe to not have a hit single (although she still does) there’s no super mainstream straight pop BOP like every other album has had. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for her and her music. Oh and you want to talk about Grammys? GIVE IT TO FOLKLORE.

[hybridfanfiction]

Heart Hunter - 2

Pairing: Peregrine Falcon hybrid Minseok x  Deer Hybrid Reader

Word Count: 2,585

Summary: The government has officially outlawed prey hybrids, leaving your herd with no choice but to escape into the depths of the forest. Since none of you have been outside of the city before, you soon find yourselves struggling - until you start finding food waiting on your porch every morning. But where is it coming from?

❧

It had been at least an hour since you’d last seen a street light - the road ahead being illuminated by the light of the moon and the soft flash of headlights instead. The roads were getting rougher and the greenery more abundant the further you drove away from home, as Madame had insisted that hiding away in some remote family cabin in the wilderness was your best chance of survival. 

You’d been bundled together in the SUV like sardines for hours; Papa and Madame’s bodyguard Marceau (who you were pretty sure was more than just a bodyguard) were in front, Madame and Mama behind them, and you were in the back next to the peacock hybrid Oh Sehun that Madame had insisted on saving. 

Sehun was alright, alright it was obvious that he was raised to believe very highly of himself. He often spoke of his owner like his word was law, and most of it was about how wonderful he thought Sehun was. It was apparent that he missed his owner, but you personally thought he sounded as stuck up as Sehun acted. You weren’t sure how he was friends with Luhan, because while Lu tended to act tough sometimes, he was never a snob. But evidently, they’d been friends for a while, having met during a modeling gig, and were hanging out together when they’d been caught. Regardless of his current attitude, you were willing to take the hybrid along since he’d basically saved you and your parents. 

 His hair feathers were stark white, which he claimed were rare, although you weren’t so certain about that. He also claimed that his unnaturally complex scent was a medical enhancement that his owner had paid dearly for, and your “basic” cinnamon scent was mingling with it and ruining it. He was handsome, you’d give him that, but it was more the way he held himself rather than his appearance that made you a little wary of him. He tended to sneer at everything like it was below him, despite the fact that your breeding and talent technically made you superior. You weren’t one to throw status around though, so you simply let him complain to his heart’s content. You hoped it was merely his way of dealing with the situation and not the total sum of his personality. 

Marceau had only allowed everyone to stop once, finally giving into bathroom demands when they came across a Walmart several hours away from home. While there, they took the chance to buy cleaning supplies, a few more food items, and some camping supplies just in case. Marceau also made you all ditch your cell phones and purchased a single burner phone for emergencies only. Losing the internet didn’t upset you as much as losing the entire music catalog you had on your phone, so you made do with buying an old school boombox and tons of batteries. The CD selection wasn’t great, but you found a couple of workable classical mixes that you could use to keep up with your training, and a couple more just for fun. 

Madame was also very generous with Sehun and bought him clothes and personal supplies since he’d had to escape with nothing. Surprisingly, he was very polite with her and he genuinely thanked her. Perhaps he wasn’t all bad, just scared. His mood seemed to mellow out a bit after that, even going so far as initiating conversation with you for the rest of the trip. 

After what had felt like an eternity, the car pulled in front of a massive gate just as the sun was beginning to rise, and Marceau got out to swing it open for Papa, then closed it and jumped back into the car. Papa had to drive slowly, as the road was made of dirt and gravel. You were observing the surroundings worriedly, as you saw no sign of civilization anywhere. The last town you could remember seeing was at least four hours away. How were you all going to survive out here? 

At last, you arrived in front of the cabin and your stomach drops. The place looked sturdy enough; no holes or broken steps or windows. And it was very large, with two stories and a few other buildings scattered around that could be garages or workshops. However, it was apparent that it hadn’t been used in many years. The windows were covered in thick layers of grime, the porch and grounds were littered with leaves, sticks, and other debris. You were already scared to see what it looked like inside. 

“Oh my. I’d forgotten how long it’s been since anyone has been here. Probably since I was a little girl at least,” Madame sighs glumly. 

Great, so you were looking at nearly fifty years of damage. 

Papa stops the car and everyone unloads, all wearing matching expressions of trepidation. Even the usually unflappable bodyguard looks worried, enough that he gestures for everyone to follow behind him as he leads everyone inside. 

The ancient door creaks as he swings it open slowly, a gust of wind sending the various debris inside scattering. The inside wasn’t as horrible as it probably could have been. All the windows and doors had remained shut, so it appeared as though no animals or squatters had attempted to live here, besides the cobwebs you could see in various corners. All the furniture was covered in drop cloths to protect it from dust, so you looked forward to seeing if any of it was still hardy enough for use. Thankfully, the whole place just looked like it needed some major dusting and sweeping and it would be alright. 

However, as you looked closer you realized nothing here is electric. There are oil lamps on the end tables and a huge fireplace that seems to be the only source of lighting. You wander into the kitchen, bracing yourself for what you’re about to see. Sure enough, there is a wood stove and a sink with a hand pump. You could tell that everything here was probably the best that money could buy at the time, but still, no electricity? 

Madame eventually enters the kitchen, meeting your gobsmacked expression with a grimace. 

“I know, it’s simply primitive, isn’t it? They had this built as a vacation cabin for my grandparents and their friends; a place to escape the trials of everyday living and pretend they were manly men that could chop wood and the like. I don’t recall Mémère ever coming here, though. She was probably more than happy to stay in the city and send the kids along.” 

You slide into an uncovered dining room chair, uncaring of the dust. None of you could live like this. There was no city to run to for food, no hospital nearby in case someone got hurt. You didn’t know how to do anything, and Mama was such a frail soul. It would be so hard for her. Would it be kinder to just let the government do what they wanted rather than waste away in the woods slowly? 

“I know, ma bichette.” Madame sniffled and pet your hair tenderly.  “This is going to be such a trial for you all, but I don’t know what else to do to keep you alive. Marceau will be back in a week with more supplies since I’m sure I’ll be under watch until they move on to another family. I’ll try to come out myself whenever I think I can safely get away. You have to be strong, my darling. Protect your Mama and help your Papa. I will try my best to get Luhan to you.” 

You grasp Madame’s hand and kiss the back of it as the two of you try to contain your tears. Though she was technically your owner, she was as dear to you as the rest of your family and you’d never been separated from her before. Your entire life until this point had been spent training to make her proud, and now you had no idea what to do with yourself. 

“Please, stay safe,” you whisper, voice cracking with emotion. 

Madame smiles with watery eyes and helps you stand, pulling you into a familiar perfumed hug. You close your eyes and breathe in, trying to memorize the feeling in case the worst should happen. 

“I will, ma bichette. You make sure to do the same. Now,” she clears her throat and pulls away, taking her lace handkerchief out to flutter it around like the drama queen she really was. “Marceau will have brought in the supplies and luggage by now. I wish I could stay and help you put the place together, but I have a meeting with a friend that could help me get into the compound tomorrow and I must get back. The sooner I get to work, the sooner I can free your brother. My poor darling Lulu is probably so scared.” 

She pets your head one last time then goes to the entryway with you following behind her. Your parents are already there waiting, suitcases and bags of supplies stacked nearby. Papa was deep in discussion with Marceau but paused long enough to accept Madame’s light hug before she turned to your weeping mother. The two women clung to each other tightly, whispering and wiping each other’s tears. You didn’t think the two had been separated for very long before. Perhaps your parent's honeymoon was the longest and that had only been a couple of weeks. Finally, Marceau had to separate the two of them and looped his arm with Madame’s as he led her away while she dramatically kissed the air towards all of you. 

“Take care, my loves, and be careful. Remember to use the phone if you need us to come at any time. Sehun, I’ll get in touch with your owner tomorrow. If it’s safe I’ll let him know where you are and we’ll see what he wants to do, but for now I know you’ll be safest here. À la prochaine, my darlings!” 

You follow them outside, waving until the car is out of sight, feeling as though she’d taken your soul along with her, leaving you the empty shell that now had to fight just to survive. 

You sigh, feeling as though the weight of the world had just been settled onto your shoulders. You adored your parents, but you knew they were going to be even worse at this whole rough living thing than you were, having been pampered for twice the amount that you had been. You knew Mama had never had to lift a finger for anything that wasn’t Ballet. You were going to have to be strong for everyone and try to figure out a way to keep you all going out here. At least the view was pretty, you decided as you surveyed your surroundings. 

The “cabin” was basically set in the middle of a vast forest area, huge trees surround you as far as you could see. You didn’t know enough about greenery to tell what kind they were. Pine maybe, judging by the cone looking things on the ground. Marceau had mentioned a map earlier and had said that there was a creek nearby. That was probably where you were going to have to get water since it didn’t seem like there was plumbing here either, or even a well. 

You spot what appears to be a massive blackberry bush on the other side of the yard and decide to distract yourself by gathering some. It would be a nice treat to have and Mama loved berries. You rush inside and pick out one of the mixing bowls that had been packed, deciding it would do for now to hold the berries. Your parents are already at work lifting the drop cloths from the surprisingly pretty furniture, all of it in sort of a rustic art deco vibe and obviously well made. Nothing looked damaged, so you’d all at least have places to sit. The bedrooms were what you were worried about the most, but you’d save that for later. 

You whistle a little as you head towards the bush, hoping that if you force yourself to pretend you’re okay, your brain will start to believe it. The bowl is about halfway full, minus a few that had found their way past your berry-stained lips, when you suddenly heard something. A soft crackle, like someone had stepped on a twig. However, instead of coming from the area behind you where the house was, it was coming from across the bush. 

You clamp your lips and breathe through your nose, trying to scent the area. You could smell dampness from the nearby creek, the squirrels in the tree to your right, and something else...there. 

Predator.

Your gaze pierces the spot where the scent filters through, a little crack in the berry bush a little further down. You freeze as a pair of sharp, catlike eyes fill the space, meeting yours with a curious glint. They appeared to belong to a male, judging by the bits of his face you could make out, though it wasn’t much. Those eyes reminded you of the gaudy ring Madame always wears, a massive thing with a jewel the color of caramel. The man’s eyes were the same color and reflected light like the gemstone, holding an insurmountable depth that dared to drown anyone that met his intense gaze. 

The two of you stared, unmoving, just studying each other. You wished you could see the rest of him; surely with eyes like that, he must be stunning. Nevermind that he smelled like a predator; a bird at that. There was also a slight undertone that smelled almost like fresh coffee beans which you guess was his personal scent. He must have noticed you scenting the air because his eyes crinkled like he was holding back laughter while his scent became stronger, no doubt from him pumping out more to see your reaction. Your scents seemed to mingle all on their own, complementing each other and making your head swim, which was curious for different hybrid types. It was odd to find another hybrid out here no matter what he was. You’d thought your herd was going to be the only ones, at least in this area. You were sure other prey hybrids would run away to the wild eventually. 

Behind you, the front door slammed and startled you as Sehun came out and began yelling.

“Hey, your Mom wants you. Something about water.” 

You glance towards him, annoyed at the interruption. 

“Yeah, I’m coming. Just hold on.” 

You huff and turn back towards the bush, but the eyes are gone and you can smell his scent getting farther away. You debated telling your parents about his existence, but you hadn’t sensed a threat from him, just curiosity. You waited until the last note of his scent became too faint to smell anymore, swallowing your disappointment as you strode towards the house. 

Though the coming days were going to be difficult, at least now you knew you weren’t alone. 

[prepare4trouble]

Good Omens fanfic - Looking Like This (3)

Part 1 | Part 2

The Bentley really was back.

It wasn’t that Crowley hadn’t believed Aziraphale; after all, he had seen the bookshop, whole and unburnt, when it should have been a charred mess cordoned off and still damp from the hoses that had been used to extinguish the fire. He knew things had been put back more or less the way they had been before the aborted apocalypse had taken place, but it was that ‘more or less’ part that had been bothering him.

Aziraphale wasn’t exactly known for his automobile expertise; until sometime in the mid 60s he had still been referring to cars as ‘horseless carriages’ on occasion. He could have missed all kinds of discrepancies with the Bentley that Crowley would have picked up on instantly.

And so, until the taxi had dropped the two of them off outside Crowley’s flat, it had still been difficult to believe that the car that he had loved and taken care of for so many years; the car that he had purposely driven through the wall of flame that was the M25, and that he had held together through sheer force of will the whole way to Tadfield; the car that he had been convinced he had lost forever, was really back.

He might have gasped. Just a little bit.

“I did tell you,” Aziraphale said with a smug but very happy smile that looked completely out of place on the face he was currently wearing.

Crowley touched his fingertips to the black paint and caressed the bonnet lovingly. “Yeah, I know,” he said. “But it was hard to believe it until I saw it with my own two…” he hesitated. They weren’t his own two eyes, they were Aziraphale’s.  “Anyway,” he said. “You’ll get it when you see the bookshop.”

The car looked brand new; fresh off the factory floor. The paintwork gleamed in the sun in a way that it hadn’t for decades. For ninety years, Crowley had been looking after that car, carefully miracling away every scratch and bump, keeping the water and oil at optimum levels — without actually having to check them or top them up, of course — and once, because he had wanted the full car owner’s experience, even washing it by hand on a Sunday morning. He hadn’t enjoyed that very much, although there had been something oddly satisfying about polishing the paintwork afterwards.

Still, over the years it had aged in subtle ways. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was, but there was a newness to the car now that hadn’t been there last week; something that he recognized from a long time ago. He wasn’t sure he liked it. Age had lent the car a certain kind of dignity that Crowley feared it might take a couple of decades to get back. Right now, it felt like something out of a period drama; not quite authentic.

He doubted that anybody else would notice.

He opened the door and slipped inside. It even smelled like a new car.  Not like a new car now; all chemicals and plastics and pine scented air freshener. No, it smelled like an old new car. Like a new car was supposed to smell.  He inhaled deeply, and touched the steering wheel reverently.

He noted with interest that the car was already fitted with a CD player. It wasn’t actually brand new, then; those hadn’t exactly been fitted as standard when he had first bought the car. Over the years, he had made changes, adding first a radio, then a tape player, and finally — when cassettes became hard to come by and all the music he had ever loved had been transformed into Queen — he had miracled in a CD player and started buying it again in a new format.

There was something else too. He frowned as he leaned in to get a closer look. Two USB ports were built into the dashboard, looking as though they were supposed to be there, and the display on a screen that definitely hadn’t existed the last time he had been in the car, said something about ‘bluetooth’.

“What’s a bluetooth?” he asked.

Aziraphale, still standing outside the car at the driver’s side, shrugged. “Is it some kind of fish?” he asked. “Or perhaps a whale?”

Crowley shook his head. It sounded like it could be right, but something like that had no place anywhere near a car. Especially a car of this quality. “Yeah maybe.” He had been thinking it was something to do with mobile phones. “Are you getting in, angel? Or are you planning on standing in the middle of the road all day? I thought you wanted to see your books.”

“Oh! Right.” Aziraphale hurried around the front of the car and clambered in.

Crowley put the key in the ignition, but didn’t turn it. He hesitated. Something else was different too. The car was the wrong size. The pedals were that little bit too far so that he had to stretch his legs to reach them, and a glance in the rear view mirror showed that it was angled slightly wrong. In fact, everything seemed that little bit off. He fumbled for the lever to move the seat.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Aziraphale look at him. “Problem?” he asked

“No,” Crowley insisted, grinding his… Aziraphale’s… teeth a little. “Nope, no problem at all.”

He couldn’t find it. It occurred to him that he had never had to adjust anything in the car before; it had always just fit him perfectly.

He moved the mirror; that at least was easy, then swept a hand along the side and then the front of his seat. Nothing. “You’re too short for my car,” he said.

“I beg your pardon?” Aziraphale said. He sounded mildly offended.

“I mean…” Crowley waved a hand indicating the pedals of the car, then shook his head. “Your legs don’t… the seat’s too far… There should be a lever or a button or something around here to move the seat forward.”

“Really? In a car of this age?” Aziraphale asked.

Crowley scowled at him, not sure exactly why the angel of all people — who as far as Crowley was aware had never even sat in the drivers seat of a car, let alone driven anywhere — would have the first clue about the features that cars of different ages should have.  He was right though. Crowley wasn’t sure whether he had simply been lucky with the car before, or whether he had unconsciously made changes to make it more comfortable to drive, but there probably wouldn’t have been any real way to move the seats around back then.

Well, that was easy enough to fix.  He turned the key in the ignition, then reached down the side of the seat again. His fingers immediately found a switch that hadn’t been there a moment earlier. He slid it forward and the seat moved to the correct position. “Yeah, really,” he said. He put the car into gear, pulled out into the quiet road and a nice, steady 70mph.

“You changed your music,” Aziraphale noted.

Crowley listened. Aziraphale was right; it wasn’t Queen. He turned up the volume a little. “Must be the radio,” he said. But it wasn’t.

“No, I don’t think so,” Aziraphale told him. He opened the glove compartment and pulled out three other disks.

“Try something for me; put one of those in instead,” Crowley told him.

Without questioning the request, Aziraphale took out the first CD and replaced it with the other one.   The first notes of Handel’s Water Music filled the car.

“This makes a pleasant change,” Aziraphale said.

Crowley shrugged, and swerved to narrowly avoid a cyclist. “I guess the CDs are as new as the car, technically they haven’t been in here long enough. Don’t get used to it, in about two weeks we’ll be listening to Another One Bites the Dust.”

But in the meantime, Aziraphale was right; it did make a nice change.

He squinted a little as he turned a corner into the sun. It seemed unusually bright today.

(part 4)

[lolainblue]

Jane’s Journal -- Day 127

A/N :  This is the final Journal entry. The second book in the series will be starting next. 

T/W: Angst. Mentions of past drug use and mental health issues

December 24, 2003   Day 127

   I wish I could say that I took Aunt Carys's advice to heart, lept up and called Roger, but a large feature of that Hughes tenacity lies in a sort of stubbornness and bloody-mindedness that makes it hard to change tracks. I started wallowing a little less as I stepped outside myself and saw the bigger picture, but the riff between Roger and myself had grown an into an ocean and I wasn't sure how to bridge it anymore. Somewhere along the line, my anger with him had morphed into shame at the way I had behaved.  I missed him with everything that was in me but I was too much of a coward to pick up the phone.

   His show would be wrapping up with a Christmas Eve matinee and then, according to Mom, he was going to catch an evening flight home so he could be here for Christmas. He had asked her repeatedly if I would be in attendance. I wouldn't let her say. I wouldn't give her a definitive answer. She had finally lost her temper with me and pointed out that just because I was the one that brought Roger into our family it didn't give me the right to single-handedly toss him out. He'd already had enough of that in his life. It was time for me to grow up and stop behaving as if this were some middle school spat. Roger was family. We had all agreed on that a long time ago, and in our family, we didn't throw people away when they upset us.

   Properly cowed, I came up with a plan and booked a flight to New York. I figured I need to settle things at the apartment at the very least and I thought maybe Roger and I could share the flight back and have a long overdue talk. When I showed up at the apartment on the 23rd however, there was no sign of Roger at our place, and judging by the refrigerator contents he hadn't been staying there recently. My plan had hit a snag.

   I was left alone to drift aimlessly through the now alien space. When I walked into my bedroom my heart nearly stopped. I realized the last time I had set foot in the place was before flying out to see Shannon back in August. The room was still a mess from packing, with rejected clothing piled on the bed. I spotted his old Def Leppard t-shirt that I had often slept in when he was gone, and several 30 Seconds to Mars t-shirts I had considered taking with me but ultimately left behind. My stomach turned as I picked the first one up, and I had brought it to my nose to see if there was a trace of his scent left behind before I even realized what I was doing. Angry with myself, I tossed it onto the center of the bed before grabbing the wastebasket from under my desk. I started throwing in everything that reminded me of Shannon or Jared, walking through the house to gather CD's and postcards, notes, pictures, stuffed animals from the midway, even the boots I had bought to wear to the first concert of theirs I had gone to. I was surprised how much of it there was. I tossed the bag into the hall closet in case Roger wanted any of it and went back to packing up my room.

   I spent that night in the apartment by myself. I had hoped Roger might come home despite indications that he wasn't living there anymore but he never appeared. I spent the next morning finishing my packing, my belongings all sorted into neatly labeled boxes in the center of my bedroom that I could easily have a service come and pick up later. Then I ordered lunch, showered and dressed for the theater.

   The performance was sold out so I was reduced to taking my chances with whatever scalpers would be on hand. I knew it was risky, but “Fortuna favet fatius.', fortune favors fools and soon I found myself with a rather choice seat, nervously thumbing the glossy program and waiting for the show to start.

   Our junior year the drama department had put on an adaptation of Anne of Green Gables. Roger had done amazingly well at the audition and had landed the part of Gilbert Blythe. I was overjoyed. Anne of Green Gables was one of my favorite books and I was so proud of Roger. He'd done a few shows before and had been okay, and he'd worked very hard rehearsing for the part but when it came time for the actual performance he had bombed. It wasn't just simple stage fright, he had suddenly become that weird kid in the fourth-grade play that said all his lines in a strange falsetto while he grinned at the audience and did incongruous things with his hands. He refused to go on after the first night and the understudy had to finish the run. He had been heartbroken. He'd already made big plans to become a famous actor, it was part of our “Roger and Janey Take Over the World” scheme, and having his hopes dashed just crushed him. It had taken months of Daphne nagging him to get him to start taking acting classes. I wasn't sure how we had gotten from there to here, him starring as Bob Cratchett in NYC in a not exactly Broadway but not exactly a dive theater either production of A Christmas Carol. I hoped that we would be able to iron things out so he could share that journey with me.

   To say I was terrified when he made that first appearance on stage would be putting it mildly. But to be honest, if I hadn't known it was Roger in the role I might have not even realized. He had transformed himself completely, And where the hell had that British accent come from? I know being American I probably wasn't the best judge but he sounded spot on to my ears. I was completely blown away by his performance, and judging by the people sitting around me, so was the rest of the audience. I was bursting with pride by the time the curtain fell.

   I am going to tell you right now that whoever says beauty is overrated is lying to you. I have lived on both sides of that road. Plain Jane would have been ushered back out into the street with the rest of the crowd. I knew I was going to need Hot Jane today so I had come prepared, dressed to the teeth, carefully coiffed and wearing what felt like half the Barney's cosmetic counter on my face. It took a total of eight minutes to charm my way backstage to the dressing rooms.

   Roger had just sat down to start removing his makeup and there was a girl seated on the table in front of him, giggling and tossing her hair while she crossed and uncrossed her obscenely long legs. Roger looked about as interested as a lion who'd been offered a broccoli sandwich. I giggled at the sight and Roger dropped the sponge he had been holding before rapidly turning my way.

   “Janey?”

   “Hey, Rog.” My mouth was suddenly dry but my eyes weren't. It felt like we were seeing each other after being separated by war, tired and battered bystanders who had found each other again at a refugee camp. I had worried that he would be angry with me, that I had been so steadfastly cold with him that he would never be more than an acquaintance again. Instead, he lept to his feet, nearly knocking his hapless admirer off her perch and rushed toward me, sweeping me up in his arms and swinging me around so enthusiastically that one of my wildly impractical heels went flying off my foot. I remembered again he was too good for me.

   “I'm so sorry, Roger,” I tried to explain. “I should have come to you and tried to work things out months ago....”

   “Hush,” he told me as he sat me back down and scrambled after the shoe I had lost. “I was terrible to you when you needed me. You don't have anything to apologize for.”

   “But I do....” I protested.

   “Let me get cleaned up and changed and then we can argue about it all you want,” he said. The girl who had been flirting with him gave me a haughty look and then flounced off, probably wrongly assuming I was her competition. “Oh shit, I've got a flight back home tonight! Aren't you going home for Christmas?”

   I nodded. “Mom gave me your flight info. I came into town to see you last night but you weren't home. I packed up my things at the apartment but I'm on the flight home with you.”

   Roger frowned and sat down in his chair again with a heavy thud. “I don't understand. What did you pack? Why?”

   “I'm going to Tanzania with a volunteer group. I don't know when I'll be back in the States. It could be months or it literally be years. I don't need anything that's there, and I figure if you wanted to sell the place or move if everything was already packed up all you'd have to do is call a service to come collect it. I can just pay for a storage until I suss out what to do next.”

   “Janey...” The smile that been on Roger's face when he embraced me was gone and I felt terrible. “I thought that...” He swallowed hard and picked up the makeup removal pad again and started dabbing harshly at his face. “So you are still mad, at me.”

   “No.”

   “Then why are you leaving me again?”

   “I'm not leaving you, Roger. I'm trying to fix myself.”

   “You're not broken.”

   “Actually, yeah, I really am. But I'm working on it.”

   He didn't say anything else as he continued washing away the stage makeup. When he had finished he looked back at me and I swear his face looked years older, deeply tired in a way I had never seen on him before. I wondered what had happened to him during the last 127 days. A bad feeling began to take root in my gut.

   “You were brilliant out there, Roger. I'm so proud of you,” I offered.

   He nodded. “Can we go home now?”

   “Sure,” I said, spotting his coat hanging on the wall and handing it to him. “Anything you want.”

   *************************************

   Roger already had an overnight bag ready for his trip to the airport but I needed to swing back by our place so we hopped on the C-Line for a last trip home together. He was quiet the entire way, and although I tried to fill the awkward silence with tales of my travels, Roger never engaged, just quietly nodded and folded his hands over and over themselves. I didn't want to cause a scene in public so I let it go and just kept on with the nervous chatter but I was so relieved to finally reach our stop I practically jumped off the train and power walked until we were inside our building and through the front door.

   “When is the last time you were even home?” I asked him as we shed our coats in the foyer.

   “A couple of days ago, actually. We had a cast thing last night. That's why I wasn't here,” he explained.

   “Oh.” I had kind of hoped he'd been staying with someone else maybe, or just leading too fabulous a life to be bothered to come back to an empty apartment. I looked at the keychain in my hands, the door key still separated from the rest. “Do you want me to leave my key?” I asked. “It doesn't seem right for me to just come and go when I'm not really living here anymore.”

   “I thought you were back. When you showed up at the theater, here, in New York and all... well I just thought you were back.”

   I shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other, not meeting his eyes. “I already committed to this volunteer thing, Roger. And I think it's going to be good for me. I'm getting back out in the world again, for real, not just a spoiled little party girl.”

   “You aren't a spoiled little party girl, Jane.” Roger's voice was quiet and uneven and I didn't know where this was going but I could feel my own lips starting to tremble.

   “I was so spoiled and helpless and blind....” I managed to mutter before he cut me off.

   “It wasn't your fault Jane. You don't have to do penance.”

   “I knew better. Or at least I should have. You told me how Shannon was, I saw it myself before I even let him back in...”

   “I don't mean Shannon.” Roger avoiding looking at me when he said it, but the lump in my throat was there just the same.

   “Roger. Please don't....”

   “Someone has to say it, Jane.”

   “No, they don't. It's not like I don't know.”

   “I think it is. Do you want to know what I've done for the last five months? I've worked and seen a therapist. Because as broken as you think you are I'm a hundred times worse.” Roger sat down in the middle of the floor, crossing his long legs one over the other. “I could never help him, Jane. I couldn't reach him, I couldn't stop him, and couldn't stop  you or me...”

   I sat down on the floor across from Roger, pulling his hands into my lap. “Roger, it wasn't like that.”

   “I was so fucking scared, Jane. Jared said you had seemed so hurt, you were completely lost, and you weren't talking to anyone...”

   I hadn't thought of things that way. I really hadn't thought much of anything through at that point, I was a whirlwind of my own grief and anger. “I'm sorry, Roger. I would never leave you like that. I would never....” A chill like ice water in my veins passed over me. “Roger, what do you mean you couldn't stop you?”

   “Not like that,” he said a little too quickly, pulling his hands back from me. “I just … dammit, Jane. Everyone keeps leaving, like I'm nothing. Jefferson didn't even... “ Roger's breathing had become shallow and I could see the distress in his eyes. “The only woman I've ever dated longer than a week dumped me while pretty much saying she could do better. My mother died and my entire family apparently voted to keep me away from the funeral. I pushed my best friend away. I pushed all my friends away, all the good ones that is. The only ones that would even put up with my shit...”

   Roger let himself fall forward, his head nestling in my lap. I wrapped my arms around him as best I could. “I'm so sorry, Roger. I knew you were in trouble. I tried to help...”

   “I know,” he sniffled. “I was so angry with you for running off with Shannon but I never told you how bad things were for me. I tried to numb it. It didn't help.”

   Boy that was one area I did know about. “No, it never does,” I observed.

   “Promise you won't  hate me, Jane.”

   “What? I would never hate you, Roger. I think I've been as angry with you as I ever have the capacity to be. Like I'm done now. I've used it all up, forever, for the rest of our lives. There is nothing that could make me hate you.”

   Roger began to sob and I started to cry with him. If I had thought, even for a second, that things were this bad with him I'd have chucked my whole temper tantrum walkabout right then and there and gone to him. I felt terrible. And I didn't even begin to know how to make it up to him.

   “Do you remember that night that Shannon was here, and I was so grouchy, and I disappeared all night?”

   “Jesus, how could I fucking forget, Rog. You were a mess when you came home. Like you'd been dragged through every gutter in Manhattan.” Roger may have been scared when I had my meltdown but he had scared the daylights out of me weeks before that.

   “I did something...” he sniffled wetly and I leaned back just enough to reach the box of tissues on the console table behind us.

   “Have you talked to your therapist about this?” I asked him as handed him the tissue.

   Roger blew his nose and nodded. “I should have talked to you though. That day. Before I did it. But I got it in my head that you didn't count, that you were just stuck with me somehow....” he trailed off again. “I was so fucking stupid, Janey, and I'm sorry, and if I could take it back....”

   I wrapped myself around him, the way I had in the shower that afternoon, and held him as tightly as I could get my arms to latch onto him. “it's okay. Whatever happened, it's over now.”

   Roger stopped crying and he gripped my arm tightly. When he spoke again his voice was even softer than before, and flat, as if he were trying to keep as much distance as possible between himself and what he was telling me. “I sold myself that night. For drugs," he confessed.

   “What?��� I heard the words but I couldn't get them to make any kind of sense. “Why would you do something like that? You didn't need the money, I know you didn't. And I didn't think you were using that much....”

   “it wasn't for the drugs or the money,” Roger confessed weakly. “I just wanted to have value. I wanted to be worth something. Turns out I'm worth quite a bit in ketamine and coke.”

   “Oh Jesus," was the only thing I could manage to choke out.

   “Yeah, he and I aren't on speaking terms,” Roger joked weakly.

   I thought back again to that day, to stripping off Roger's stained and soiled clothing, the marks on his skin, and I wanted to throw up. I could actually feel my stomach turning and I looked around for something to vomit into. I told myself I couldn't though. I couldn't let Roger think that I found him sickening. I didn't want him to take it as a rejection. I gulped in air and closed my eyes and tried to get my heart under control. How the fuck had we come to this? “Roger you need to see someone.” I protested.

   “I am,” he reminded me.

   “Well, I don't think it's doing you much good. Look at you.”

   “Jane, this happened back in July. I am able to tell you about it now because I've been seeing someone. I have a long way to go but I”m working on getting better too. I was just hoping we could do it together.”

   I  grabbed him even more tightly, even though it was too late to protect him now. Of course, we could do it together. Nothing else mattered to me anymore except keeping Roger safe. “Okay, okay, sure.” I couldn't stop myself from sobbing and Roger began rocking us both back and forth. “I'll do anything it takes. Just please don't... please don't....”

   “Same for you,” he sobbed back at me.

   “I love you, Roger. I don't need anyone else.” I told him. “I won't ever leave you again.”

   “I love you too, Janey. And you will. But it will be on our terms next time and we'll be ready.”

   We cried on that floor together for the better part of an hour before we had to clean ourselves up and head to the airport. By the time we got back to my parent's house we had pasted our smiles back in place and for the all the world we looked just like we always had, two best friends, out to take on the world together. But we had torn the lid off and looked inside and we had seen how deep the cracks in our souls went. I didn't know how we were going to do it, but we were determined not lose each other to the darkness inside them. Nothing was going to drive us apart again.

@thepromiseofanend  @msroxyblog@nikkitasevoli@maliciousalishious@llfd1977 @mustlove6277@fyeahproudglambert @little-poptart @snewsome756@guccilowell

[go-our-own-ways]

The amount of reposted art on here is so annoying ugh

In other news, I realized last week that I never replaced the nail polish I had to toss after our house flooded back in 2017... my parents didn't trust that I could properly disinfect all the bottles (ugh) so I had to throw it all out and it absolutely broke my heart. I'd spent (collectively) a rather pretty sum on my rather modest collection lol...

But, I also hadn't really been in the mood to do my nails myself in a really long time, hence the lack of purchasing polish. I suddenly had the desire to last Sunday, so I checked to see what I had, and realized with horror that I really hadn't replaced much of anything. I had one color that I loved that I had immediately replaced (Sally Hansen's Big Teal), two shades of pink that I recalled wanting to try back then, base coat and top coat, and a nail art pen in silver.

I tried what I hoped to be the less bright of the two pinks, only to find with dismay it was still much brighter than I thought it was, so I swapped to my trusty teal, and then finished it off with a French manicure look with the silver pen. I'm super rusty with doing nails so it wasn't my cleanest work, and it took forever to dry, but it was alright in the end.

And then...today I went and bought like $60 worth of nail polish LMAO.

It was more expensive since I went with the Essie brand, but whatever, it'll be fine... I have this new job that gives me a salary, and while it's nothing luxurious per se, it at least is better than before, and also this purchase means I won't have to buy polish for a good long while, too.

I focused on what I felt I'd want to wear more regularly, which usually means shades of blues/greens and some (pinkish) neutrals, and then got some trusty black and a gunmetal-esque color. I did contemplate buying more, 'cause I used to really love doing a different color on each nail for a more fun, rainbow-y aesthetic, but that worked out to be over $100 so...I toned it down some. I can always order more at a later time lol.

This just after having placed a hefty order on cdj for some drama CDs... and right after seeing the previews for 8P's 4th anniversary photobook and seeing the bonus content for DISH//'s single No.1 lol...sob why does being alive and having interests cost so much money!!! ;_;

The latter two things both release in May, I think, so I'm going to try to order the photobook and DISH// single lim edition sometime next week, and contemplate the regular edition later on in May after it's released... The bonus content for both versions is different, which PAINS ME GREATLY so... trying to resist buying both bUT IDK MAN...NO ONE UPLOADS THEIR (purchaseable) CONTENT ANYMORE IT SEEMS SO... orz

[x0401x]

Gakuen K: The Sewing Men

Raw version here. Please message me about any corrections.

Reishi: Gakuen K ~Wonderful School Days~ V Edition Bonus Drama CD – “The Sewing Men”.

Tatara: Ah, Munakata-san, hello.

Reishi: Hello, Totsuka-kun.

Tatara: Oh, Munakata-san. Your uniform’s sleeve is frayed. Look, right here.

Reishi: My, this is... I hadn’t noticed it. Thank you very much for pointing it out.

Tatara: It’s not something warrant being thanked for.

Reishi: No, if anything, I am the Captain of the Student Council. Since I must act as a role model to the other students, letting them see something so unbecoming would not serve as an example.

Tatara: Haah... as expected of Mister Captain! Ah, that’s right! If that’s the case, it’s better to hurry and fix the spot that is ripped, right?

Reishi: Eeh, well. I have never sewed anything immediately...

Tatara: To tell the truth, I have something nice here... tadaa!

Reishi: A sewing... kit?

Tatara: Hmm! Lately, I’ve awakened to a new hobby, which is sewing! If you’d like, you can let me fix it right away!

Reishi: That would be helpful. Then, allow me to take your words to heart.

Tatara: Then, stretch your arm out like this.

Reishi: This way?

Tatara: Hm! I think it’ll end soon. First, gotta pass the thread through the needle... and prickle these spots... huh? This is odd... Why did it become like that? No helping it. I’ll take the thread off for once...

[ripping fabric noise]

Tatara: Ah.

Reishi: Totsuka-kun? Just now, there was an alarmingly disturbing sound... Moreover, is the fact that the part which had been ripped seems to have become larger... just my imagination?

Tatara: Ahaha~! How weird~! The method is supposed to be correct...

Reishi: There might be no need to forcefully fix it right now. Totsuka-kun, you surely are busy as well... as I had thought, I will do it myself—

Tatara: No need to hold back! I’m not busy at all, so it’s fine.

Reishi: I am not holding back, though...

Tatara: Erm... Ah, it should be okay if I do it like this here, right? See, looking good. Now all that’s left is do this with the needle... oh? A peel came off. Once it becomes like this, we gotta pull—ay, ay!

Reishi: Totsuka-kun, it’s enough. It’s enough already.

Tatara: It’s fine, it’s fine! No need to worry! Alright, don’t move~! Heh~! It’s okay, it’s okay~!

Reishi: *agonized grunts*

Tatara: Ahahaha~!

Kuro: What are you doing in the middle of the corridor?

Reishi: Yatogami-kun, is it? You arrived at just the right moment...

Kuro: “Just the right”...?

Tatara: Well, to be honest, it’s a silly story of this and that...

Kuro: Ah, I understand. If that’s the case, there might be a way to save it. I have some knowledge on sewing, after all.

Reishi: That would be helpful. About this, the hem was only a little ripped at the beginning, but it became this big...

Kuro: Hm... that’s because the material of the uniform is exclusive. If you try to sew it normally, it would only fray even more. Therefore, the only thing I can do here and now is provide first-aid...

Reishi: Please. If we leave it as it is, going home would become even more of a distress... It wasn’t so terrible at the beginning, however...

Tatara: I said I was sorry~! Ah, hey, Yatogami. Use my sewing kit.

Kuro: No. I’m thankful, but... in the end, using what one is accustomed to is the most important. I’ll go with mine.

Tatara: Amazing~! It feels like it’s been used for a long time. This finger protector full of tiny holes is nostalgic.

Kuro: Hm? Ah, the thimble? I wouldn’t say it’s absolutely necessary, but it really is convenient to have one. Now, without further ado... Hah!

Tatara/Reishi: Oooh~!

Kuro: Hm... this is as far as I can go with the first-aid. If you borrow one of the machines in the Home Economics room, you should be able to fix it neatly.

Reishi: How wonderful... your hand movements almost seem to flow, and are worthy of being deemed as that of an artisan.

Tatara: Incredible, Yatogami! The stitches are super detailed too!

Kuro: No, anyone can do this if they comprehend the competencies. If you have time, I can do the repairs in the Home Economics room. What will you do?

Reishi: Please be my guest. I want to see more of Yatogami-kun’s techniques.

Tatara: Can I go too, Yatogami-sensei?

Kuro: Got it. Then let’s go to the Home Economics room.

Kuro: Heh. Completed. I believe there’s nothing unnatural with its appearance... how about it?

Reishi: Thank you very much. In the fineness of the handiwork, and the beauty of the finalization... there’s nothing I could complain about.

Tatara: I had called you “sensei” as a joke, but puns aside, you really do have a teacher-like expression!

Kuro: It was nothing much. However, since I am always mending everything for Shiro and Neko, it is only obvious that I’d make such a face. I don’t even receive proper gratitude, after all. So this... makes me a little embarrassed.

Reishi: Such attitude towards these transcendental skills... it seems Isana-kun and Neko-kun are quite self-centered.

Tatara: Ah, that’s right! Hey, Yatogami. Do you have any plans after this?

Kuro: No, nothing in particular...

Tatara: Then, if it’s not a bother, can you teach me how to sew?

Kuro: W-What? Sew?

Reishi: I see... if you can, may I be included in that as well?

Tatara: Eh? Munakata-san, you want to sew too?

Reishi: Yes. At any rate, being moved upon being touched by a crafter that has braved such a path shows the difference in people. Seeing Yatogami-kun’s technique has made me develop an interest for sewing.

Kuro: I don’t mind teaching how to sew...

Tatara: Really? Yay~! Then, it’s settled, right? I have lots of fabrics, so leave that to me. Coincidentally, I was allowed to keep them stored in this Home Economics room. Here!

Kuro: Ooh~! If we have these, it feels like we can come up with anything. Well, is there any request of what to make?

Tatara: Hmm... clothes, I guess? Making clothes reduces their expenses.

Kuro: Clothes, huh? Making them takes quite a lot of time. Besides, appropriate fabrics are necessary... but, this fabric...

Reishi: How about we leave clothes for when our skills have improved, and make something easy this time?

Tatara: That’s right. I wonder what’s easy to make.

Kuro: How about a purse? It has straight lines, so it’s easy to use the machine for it.

Tatara: Alright~! Then it’s decided we’ll make purses! We’re in your care, Yatogami!

Reishi: Please take care of us.

Kuro: Yeah. I’m counting on you.

Reishi: *sigh*

Kuro: What’s wrong?

Reishi: The fabric’s fold moved. I’m trying to firmly hold it back, but... in any case, I couldn’t do it like Yatogami-kun from the start.

Kuro: No, I think it’s quite well-done, to the point one wouldn’t think you don’t normally sew.

Reishi: Thank you very much. Still, in the end, when I try to not let the fabric crease like paper, no matter what, the fold ends up shifting when I’m passing it through the machine.

Kuro: Hmph! Something useful for these kinds of times is... this.

Reishi: A needle... punch?

Kuro: Yeah. It has several functions as a perforator, but in this sort of situation, it’s used like this. You hold the fabric back with it, which is easier and better than doing so with your hand, and thanks to that, you can progress steadfastly with the machine.

Reishi: Hooh, true. If I have this, I feel I can do it appropriately.

Kuro: The needle punch can also reverse cloths that overturn and mark spots, so just one is already a priceless item.

Reishi: A single tool has many forms of usage depending on the situation. Sewing is something quite deep, isnt it?

Tatara: Yatogami, help!

Kuro: What is it?

Tatara: I made a mistake and pulled it to the point where the thread passes through, so I couldn’t properly take out the thread that I sewed with the machine.

Kuro: Ah, if that’s so, I have something just perfect... use this stitch ripper.

Tatara: “Stitch ripper”?

Kuro: You must grasp the thread with this part of it that is divided in two... like this.

Tatara: *gasp* Amazing! Lemme do it too! Whoa, the thread that I couldn’t remove at all even with tiny scissors is coming out smoothly! But, this is expensive, isn’t it?

Kuro: It’s usually 1500 yen. (more or less 15 dollars) If you get it now, it can be done for about half the price, 700 yen. Additionally, you get an extra one as a gift.

Tatara: Hehe. Yatogami, you’re in high spirits, huh?

Kuro: *gasp* That was an accidental conditioned reflex... Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching a lot of kitchenware programs lately?

Tatara: Thanks. I feel I can do it right with this.

Tatara: Done~!

Reishi: Thank you very much, Yatogami-kun. Thanks to you, I was able to have a productive time.

Tatara: Me too! To think I’d manage to make a purse that can actually be worn!

Kuro: I did nothing. These are the results of your efforts.

Tatara: No, no. We did it because we had Yatogami’s teachings. I wanna learn more again!

Reishi: So do I. If Yatogami-kun doesn’t mind it, why don’t we gather here regularly?

Tatara: That’s a great idea! Yatogami, how about it?

Kuro: All right! Working hard before anything during our days is a good thing. If you are okay with me, I’ll take the role of instructor.

[cell phone sounds]

Reishi: Ah, hello. Yatogami-kun? Can you speak on the phone at the moment? Yes, I’m calling to ask when we will hold the sewing lecture. My after-school time is completely free except for the day after tomorrow. Is that so? Then, let’s do it tomorrow. Eh? Let’s see... we made table mats last week, so tomorrow should be... that’s right, that’s right, about the table mats, last week, Fushimi-kun said to me, “What’s this enormous amount of table mats? Don’t waste the club budget.”, but when I told him that I had made it and not bought it, he made a face as if he had been caught by a fox spirit. Does that mean my workmanship got them close to normal products enough for him to make such an expression? Ah, I’m sorry. The topic deviated, didn’t it? Why don’t we make Totsuka-kun’s long-expected clothes? Lately, I’ve found good handicraft articles. If it’s at that place, they should sell clothes as well. How about the three of us go there tomorrow and return to the Home Economics club? Yes. Then we will be in your care tomorrow. I will be looking forward to it.

[jefferyryanlong]

Fresh Listen - Julien Baker, Turn Out the Lights (Matador, 2017)

(Some pieces of recorded music operate more like organisms than records. They live, they breathe, they reproduce. Fresh Listen is a periodic review of recently and not so recently released albums that crawl among us like radioactive spiders, gifting us with superpowers from their stingers.)

I was looking for a record. 

Not a particular record, just something I could unsleeve and carefully place through a spindle, that I could trigger and let play while I cooked. 

I’d gotten burned out trying to absorb the slapdash arrangement of familiar and foreign music my streaming service’s algorithm had been offering. I was tired of flailing in the pit of infinite music data. I wanted to put something on. I wanted a full piece of someone’s mind--edited, maybe, but unabridged.

So I was looking for a record. Not something I might have had on CD already--occasionally I’ll pick up a vinyl reissue if the price is right. I wanted something new. A mystery I could decode slowly, at my leisure. I went Hungry Ear and, after weighing my options, bought Julien Baker’s late 2017 release, Turn Out the Lights.

I hadn’t heard anything form the album. In fact, I only recalled Baker’s work as something I heard in passing, through NPR’s 24-hour music stream, that may not have actually been her (comparing this album to the faded memory of a feeling of a tune makes me realize that it probably wasn't her at all). 

Turn Out the Lights begins with the brief instrumental “Over,” a song that, with its arpeggiated piano notes and muted but expressive strings, might be better served as the closing track on a different record. Indeed, the song comes across as a piece of a score to an independent drama, to be played at the film’s emotionally wrung-out denouement. However, Baker ingeniously programs this prelude to segue to the first single from the album, “Appointments,” the keys of the piano seamlessly morphing into the plucked strings of a guitar. “Maybe the emptiness is just a lesson in canvasses” she sings, casting the void created by a departed lover as the blank form onto which she can configure her art. Midway through “Appointments,” the chords of a piano ground Baker’s floating vocal just as it soars upward toward a powerful and recurring manifestation, a mellifluous barbaric yawp of near unlimited possibilities, tuneful and compelling as its skirts its breaking points over a cycle of songs about heartbreak, mental illness, and understanding profound loss. 

Throughout the album, Baker’s voice slides between overlapping lines, often accompanying herself in layered harmonies, such that the minimal arrangements require no additional ornamentation. “There’s a hole in the drywall, still not fixed / I just haven’t gotten around to it / And besides, I’m starting to get used to to the gaps” she sings on Turn Out the Light’s title track, effectively making the case for her lyrical forms in general. Her aching love songs may appear conventional until they are arrested by a striking visual image (”punching my fist through the wall of a Motel Six”), and are not dependent on a straightforward narrative. “The gaps” also outlines her thesis for the simplified musical accompaniment throughout. It was only after several listens that I realized this passionate record is devoid of drums and bass. Baker’s gut punch comes from the interplay of her singing with a modestly managed guitar or piano. She doesn’t even operate with a twang, or fall back on any well-worn musical idiom to get her point across. 

Unless we consider “singer-songwriter” to be an idiom unto itself. Like Joni Mitchell, or Paul Simon, or Laura Nyro, or James Taylor, who sometimes inflected their compositions with gospel, blues, country, and soul, but mostly reworked those influences as idiosyncratic expressions communicable as an extension of some purer spirit they exercised, Baker, on Turn Out the Lights, creates a kind of Baker-world for the listener to explore for forty minutes or so, a confessional in which the obvious genres and popular song forms are sublimated into a naked voice expressing a melody not identifiable as anything else than what it is. “When I turn out the lights” she sings, “there’s no one else / between myself / and me,” and for a second you feel the comfort she finds in this aloneness. Immediately after, though, she subverts the line with a repetition, infecting the sentiment with dread: “But when I turn out the lights / there’s no one else / between myself / and me.” 

In Baker’s case, the grist for the artist’s mill is fear and pain.

“If I could do what I want / I would become and electrician” she sings on “Happy to Be Here,” a song that is most assuredly not about being happy in any sense. In “Hurt Less”: “I used to never wear a seat belt / ‘cause I said I didn’t care.” Part of the fun in listening to Turn Out the Lights is discovering how Baker resolves these seemingly random ideas. She allows herself the space to work out the lyrical puzzles, so that the melodies of her songs are defined by a poetic stream-of-consciousness full of internal rhymes, non-sequiturs, and striking details. 

“Even,” might be the record’s most pop-oriented effort. Its syncopated vocal line and rhythmically strummed chords, as well as a defined chorus, could very well translate to a beautifully depressive indie electro-dance number. Of course, it deals with the complicated way of presenting oneself as good when the motivations of one’s actions are inherently evil. Perhaps not the best content material for a dance song.

I was looking for a record, and I piked up Julien Baker’s Turn Out the Lights. This isn’t jolly, jukebox music. This is heavy, strip away the illusions of the ugly, craving heart to reveal that we’re all, no matter the theories or politics, pitiable beings with uncontrollable emotions, which generally do us wrong. We need confirmation of that at times. It makes us feel less alone.