#if I can be employeed I can make new friends cuz social anxiety is stupid as hell and non applicable when you work in customer service LMAO

[primordial0riginator]

Happpyyyy cuz everyone is so nice to meeee

[conditionaljewel]

I started a long blog post that I got sidetracked on halfway through so I deleted it and am starting over.

This is a rant, and not like anyone’s gonna read it anyway but what the fuck ever it just means I can say what I need to and not have to worry about who sees it.

I am a person with a mental health problem. Probably a few, but definitely one. As such, I have needs that I make myself stay focused on that helps me deal with everything that causes me distress, anxiety, etc. This is one of the reasons why I smoke weed.

When I don’t have any weed, when I haven’t smoked, I don’t like the person I am. While my mind is a little more clear and I’m more focused on some things (not all things, though), I am way more irritable, easily agitated, very moody, amongst other things. When I smoke, I’m calm, I’m mellow, less aggressive and loud, and I just feel more balanced out. It helps me so much, so needless to say, whenever I’m out, I’m a monster. I have been much of the past few days.

It so happens that the past few days have also been days that I’ve had to work. Without going into detail, I hate my job anymore, I constantly am on the brink of tearing people a new one there with my thoughts and opinions on how the store is run and operated, and I’ve made it abundantly clear on several occasions that I am very easily overwhelmed and agitated when I’m not getting the help from my coworkers that is expected, all the while there’s no hesitation for others seeking help to receive it. And that’s without me saying anything about the appreciation — or lack thereof — that goes on within the store.

To that end, customers are no better, between expecting the world in exchange for nothing, and treating retail employees like garbage. Demanding, snarky, uptight, know-it-alls, they’re just as awful to deal with as the customers who are downright fucking stupid and just dont pay attention, don’t listen, don’t perceive. They’re just greedy, stuck-up fucks who have no regard for anyone else.

I can’t work with people anymore. Like any people. All people. I’m sick and tired of the attitude and mindset that working in retail has created and generated, especially around the holiday season. I’m fed up with the lack of respect and decency amongst society in general, and especially tired as fuck with the incompetence of others that directly impacts my livelihood and well-being.

I have to get a new job. But what’s a girl to do when all she’s worked is retail (with the exception of 17 months in a hospital setting as a medical “professional.”) I can’t, won’t, and don’t want to do retail anymore, ever again. But what other jobs are there that you can get without a degree that isn’t retail or food service that doesn’t involve heavy customer interaction? Like yeah i can go answer phones somewhere but that’s still people.

I don’t. Like. People.

So what’s left? Riddle me that.

But that isn’t where it ends, no no. For someone who is so hard up to make friends and meet new folks, I really do have a problem with people. I’ve spent many nights wondering what the fuck is my problem that people don’t want to have anything to do with me? What pushes people away? What the fuck is it? (Besides me bitching about people, obviously).

I try so hard to make an impact on people, make a positive vibe that radiates outward and attracts others, but no one’s ever fucking interested in anything more than hello. Do you know how disheartening that is? In the past three years, honestly, I think I’ve made two honest to god actual friends, and neither of them live near me. Hell, I have ONE friend who lives within 25 miles of me, and I hardly ever get to see her.

Even as a child, trying to make friends and meet new people was never easy for me. Somehow everyone else always had an easier time than I did, and no one ever stuck by my side. So naturally, it’s difficult for me to now, but when you’re 28 years old, it’s just deflating. You shouldn’t be MAKING FRIENDS at fuckin 28 years old, you should be going out for drinks and happy hour after work with your friends that you’ve had for years once a month or some shit. I’m lucky if I go to a restaurant by myself sometimes.

Not making friends has obviously left me fucked up. Lacking friends, I’ve not had chances to learn and take hints from social cues, I’ve not been in many situations that a lot of other folks have been in by my age. Whereas many people my age are settling down, getting married, have great jobs ... i’m living with my parents working a dead end part time job because my depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems keep me from trying to better anything for myself because they’re actively making things WORSE for me.

I know I’m not the greatest looking girl — or guy, if you even wanna play that card — and sure that’s probably a factor because why the fuck wouldn’t it be, but even people I’ve met online that I’ve tried to befriend in the past are like “lol moving on” and just ghost and disappear. Like honestly, what the fuck is it about me that pushes people away? I’d LOVE to know.

Sigh.

I don’t ever directly say this or suggest it, but sometimes I wonder what the fuck my whole purpose in this life is, because honestly I’m so sick of life — my life — that I’d really rather just die. Cease to exist. Honestly. I. Hate. My. Life. What am I doing with it? Ive fucked everything up for the past 28 and a half years, done everything backwards and wrong and stupidly, and I don’t have much hope for myself because everything seems so daunting and overwhelming.

I don’t want to work, I don’t want to have to look for a new job, I hate the ideals and statuses that society has created that’s led to the position the world is in right now on so many facets of life. Cuz then I look around and see all these people doing shit that just makes no sense, seems counterproductive, and ... they’re thriving???? Why? How?

I’m not trying to sound like “I never asked to be born” or “I want others to take care of everything for me,” but where is the option for people who don’t want to work and would rather do something else with their life? What can I do that’ll get me this bullshit currency thats so important to survive and thrive that doesn’t involve other people?

Sigh. I’m done. I can’t type anymore. I’m just so defeated.