#if I bring them to my appt I guess lol

[theonlythingimfuckingisstupid]

It’s honestly SUCH a terrible deal that I don’t want my own kids bc I would FUCK with bedtime stories so much

[nathank77]

3/23/24

6:21 p.m Updated and I talk about more than glasses. I am excited about my potential new disability payment thanks to my dad.

I got new hard shell, soft lined glasses cases. I'm going to return the ones I bought at Walmart. I got these at Walmart but online they weren't in store... thankfully I saved the receipt the ones I got in store aren't horrible but I had to put my glasses in a glasses cloth like sock cause both sides weren't lines with soft cloth. One side was plastic and one side was like a soft pad... and it was a project to get the glasses sock and the cleaning cloth to fit into the case. I'm happy with my purchase. They won't fit the Ray-Bans and likely not the oakley but thats why they come with their own case lol I'm waiting for another 2 cases in the mail that should be here by tonight. I got two, two pack but I only got two so far. Or one two pack. I only have 3 and soon 4 pairs of glasses. The Ray-Bans and the Oakley won't fit in them but the half frames will. I'm going to keep one Beau frame in my backpack and an empty case to take the current pair off and put them in it if I switch or decide to not wear my glasses.

Also I'm going to keep my other Beau frames home and of course either Ray-Bans or Oakley will be on my face, but I'll have the other Beau frames at home and one empty case here. I suppose it if breaks or something having two spares is good.

Anyways I want to donate my old glasses. I wanted to start with two pairs that were tight on me and that I def won't be wearing even for a fashionable shot but when I look at glasses donation places they are all like 20 miles away. I can't invest in donating something. Idk why they don't have a local place that will give these to someone who has the same script and can't afford glasses. I mean I could try to sell them but I'd rather help someone in need. Tbh I ripped my Eyewear company off so badly with all the replacement due to improper fit I can afford to give them away and I'd like to help other poor people... but I can't... I guess if I ever have to go to Waterbury or Bristol I'll grab the two pairs and bring them to one of the shops.... I'm keeping the other 6.. idk why I am a hoarder. Maybe I'll donate them eventually.. it's hard throwing away things that cost you money when you still like them.... that's why I invested in the Oakley and Ray-Bans..... but yea.. I'd still like to donate those two pairs to start instead of tossing them out in a year or two. They are good looking frames as well... but whatever.

Also I got a post surgical Tooth Brush. I'm excited... I'm not having surgery but all these soft tooth brushes are not soft and I'm trying to be easy on my gumline... I got a specific brand called tepe I think.... the only baby soft tooth brushes I can find in store are charcoal and it's abrasive. It's not recommended to use charcoal..

Beyond that, my father is on disability now and I qualify for a different disability type bc of his disability.. I am trying to get that appt scheduled. I'll be entitled to 1400 a month instead of 950$ and I'll be entitled to months of back pay. I got a lot of questions about how this effects husky and food stamps. BUT I can get married to a billionaire and their income will have no effect on my disability income. If I got married to someone working at subway I'd lose a huge portion of my benefits bc of their income. I may lose all my benefits bc of their income depending on their career... also I'll be able to get married. I won't have an savings cap. Right now I can't have more than 2000 saved bc if I do they deduct it from my next benefits statement...

It's going to be all around an amazing change. I can actually get married and stay disabled. I could be entitled to about 4000$ right now.

I already have plans for the money:

1) control arms, tire rods and ball joints. It's like 2000$. My car doesn't need them yet but in a few years it's totally possible but once I get to needing them my car will dangerous to drive..

2) the power steering pump or rack whatever is broken. Cause yea it drives but turning it when it doesn't have a lot of power like when I first start my car I'm pulling out of the driveway is loud and head turning. Fortunately its only when i start my car for the first time that day bc it hasn't been powered on in a while but I've been driving with bad power steering for like 2 or 3 years now... it's embarrassing.

3) Maybe a new oil pan....

4) I will pay out of pocket for the sealant on my two teeth so I can stop that unfortunate plaque build up finally

5) Lastly I'm going to get an estimate for the hood I have in the basement to see how much it would cost to paint and place it.... and then an estimate for how much it would cost to replace a few side panels instead of having them sand and buff out the rust and then an estimate on painting the new side panels and the hood and the whole car. I won't be able to do this right away but it's a future plan...

- I have to consider I may lose food Stamps... cause of its income cap.. I shouldn't lose husky. As I think the income bracket is 1800$ a month...

- either way those control arms and the power steering is in the bag. As well as the sealant. I got to take care of myself.

I'd like to buy clothes but I can just do that in small purchases on my credit line and pay it off with no interest for 6 months. Once I pay off my SH2 game. Unless I get SH1 greatest hits. It's kinda stupid cause it's no different in terms of what it offers from the original but I'm a collector and I collect...

I do need socks, and boxers. I need new shirts. I need nice hoodies. I need more than one pair of jeans. I need a bigger jacket. I need t shirts that aren't all tattered from the pictures slowly deteriorating. I could benefit from 2 new pairs of sneakers. Every pair i have has holes where the ball of my big toes meets the bones idk how to describe its clearly from the way I walk and carry myself... although it would be cool to buy some of this stuff at the store and try it on mostly pants... I'm a boxer snob... I'll only wear under armour and Adidas... they are expensive but extremely comfortable... those are ideally purchases online. I'd rather get under Armour this time around... my Adidas were heavily worn but they have a lot of holes now.. my under armour weren't heavily worn but they are holding up decently too bad I only have 3 pairs of those.

I would love to go crazy with the backpay and buy myself fun stuff... however, I think the control arms, power steering and sealant makes the most sense...

Also I have 250$ in gift cards and 300$ left over from my savings I refuse to spend on cigarettes or something I truly don't want. I'm about 100$ short from getting a ps5... if I could get everything I want, I'd get a ps5... I'm just going to try to sell one of my old Xbox one s system on fb marketplace and then I'll bite the bullet and buy a ps5...

I hope I can get this appt scheduled soon. Idk how long my dad has been disabled but I could be entitled to even more than 4000$ and the fact that I could marry a billionaire and still get my monthly benefits with no deduction is a huge plus. I am actually discriminated against by my disability. I can't get married and if I do I lose my benefits...

Beyond that, I am a little worried about insurance and food stamps. I'm spending a lot less on food bc of Methimazole but either way food is expensive. I'll have to hold off for a couple months and see how it effects my bank account before I go totally crazy but I am excited about the control arms/power steering and my sealant. I take such good care of my teeth and those fucking grooves are impossible to keep plaque off.

[skyeblue379]

So let’s talk about the newest episode of WandVision there is of course a spoiler warning from this point on

First let’s talk about theories disproved

So the town is made up of the citizens of westview( as far as we know ) the fact the several citizens actors such as the milkman, mailman , and “norm” were shields of agents in previous movies is a conciedence

It’s looking like Anges is a regular citizen not Agatha Harkness, who in the comics was one of the original witches of Salem, a mentor of scarlet witch who was eventually killed by her when she went crazy and almost destroyed the multiverse, but as she was not one the citizens who was identified there is still a chance but we’ll have to wait and see

Okay so let’s talk about what still up in the air theory wise and what we do know thus far

Let’s talk about Mephisto

i still believe that this is how Marvel is choosing to introduce him since he plays an important part in wandas story arch in the comics ( for those who don’t know Wanda creates the twins using a bit of his power/soul and he arranges for them to be stolen by his minion Master pandemonium who uses them as Arms to try and regain Mephisto’s stolen power ( yes you read that right the 80s were wild)

I still believe that he is the one orchestrating everything behind the scenes but I have a new theory on who he is or at least one I have seen but I’m sure is out there cause let’s be honest I’m not that creative lol

I think during the aftermath of the snap Mephisto took advantage of the chaos to take the identity of Hayward the new leader of SWORD

Think about he could’ve seen that there was a chance to take power in the upcoming new agency and knowing marvel they might pull an ego, he might’ve had a had in hand in Maria’s death to make sure that he got control of SWORD and to have Monica have a personal investment in this fight

If we go with this theory that explains why he seems to have vendetta to make out Wanda as the villain and dangerous and why we didn’t see the “ footage “ of Wanda stealing visions body my guess is he is trying to alienate wanda from everyone else so she’ll have no where to turn

The reason I think this isn’t entirely wanda is because while in the comics Wanda is one of the most powerful mutants in the entire multi-verse thus far in the mcu she hasn’t shown that level of power and while I would LOVE if they gave Wanda the power and recognition she deserves I don’t think that’s going to happen given The writers treatment Of the marvel women so far and if given the chance they will make the all powerful villain who manipulating the poor defenseless female who couldn’t help but fall for his evil schemes * cue southern lady hand to forehead swoon*(oh I’m going to piss off some fanboys with that one lol) but really think about it Hollywood as a whole doesn’t like bestowing the mantle of most powerful on women or POC especially in action movies which , whether or not you want to admit it , as a genre is engineered to please cisgender straight white men but that’s a whole other debate and I’m already going off enough tangents as is

I don’t think that it was wanda who left the boundary or if it was I don’t think it was entirely of her own volition I think it was a tactic to further villify Wanda in the eyes of SWORD and cementing the distrust of her by them so Hayward can weaponize SWORD against Wanda and Vision

Expanding on that based on what We’ve seen so far from the eps and the previews it’s going to end up being a battle between SWORD/ Mesphisto who is manipulating everything and everyone to make it seem like it’s Wanda controling the town against Wanda and Vision, with the help of Darcy, agent Jimmy Woo, and Monica after they begin to realize what’s happening

Moving on to Wandas role

So I agree with Visions assement that while Wanda Wasn’t initially consciously aware of what was going on she “ woke up “ at some point is now actively manipulating her surroundings and while she doesn’t want to directly hurt anyone as evident by her protecting Monica while sending her flying through walls and the barrier which could’ve killed her but should’ve at least broken a several bones but she came out with out a scratch

We can see that she knows what she’s doing is wrong but the looks of guilt when confronted with what she is doing she is trying to make sure the citizens are living as normal as possible as seen when she mentions making sure they mow their lawns and make it to their dentist appts and she thinks by controling them she’s making it easier on them but she knows it’s wrong like for example when billy and tommy ask her to bring sparky back to life the look on her face when she tells them there are certain things you can’t mess with and Vision walking up right as she says that I’m guessing within the next couple of episodes she admit to herself that what is happening is wrong

The Twins

So far in the series we see that Billy and Tommy at least posses some of their mother’s power as seen as they can age up seemingly by will power

In the comics billy becomes Wiccan , who takes after his mother’s powers and tommy is speed who inherited his uncles super speed but we have yet to see if these powers will transfer into the show

Side note if they try and change wiccans or speeds sexualities which in the comics wiccan was canonically gay and in a long term relationship hulking, who he eventually married , and Speed who was bisexual and in a relationship with prodigy I will riot

I’m guessing that mephisto is going to take the twins leading to Wanda joining dr strange in his show traveling the multi-verse in trying to find them or some version of them since we can only assume that’s how they are introducing the introducing mutants to the mcu

Speaking of introducing mutants to the MCU

So at the very end of the episode they get a surprise visitor- quicksilver (which several ppl saw coming ) we see that the X-mans Quicksilver arrive at the door

While I am glad that they are reintroducing Quicksilver as his early death was my biggest problem with age of ultron, we will have to wait and see how this pans out in regards to the series as a whole

When we hear the knock we are being lead to assume same as vision that it is another diversion by Wanda which we’ve seen her do several times at this point she seems as confused as he is so I don’t think he’s appeared by her powers proven by the fact when he introduces himself as her brother she’s visibly thrown and understandably confused before hugging him

My guess is that Mephisto( who in the comics also has the power to manipulate reality tho not on the scale that scarlet witch does which is why he needs her) brought him in to distract Wanda and Vision from discovering the truth

Now we can only assume that because of his appearance that other X-men and ppl from that universe will make an appearance in the mcu but to what extent we can’t be sure yet it will largely depend on what actors agree to resign on to their contracts to continue playing their characters so we can assume that Wolverine will not be making an appearance as Hugh jackman has previously stated that he will not be reprising the role but with everyone else’s we will have to wait and see

Let me know what you guys think what you agree or disagree with, further theories etc

EDIT: I apologize it’s been almost a decade since I’ve read the series of comics feature the storyline that WandaVision were based off it was pointed to me by @Hapllucigenia123 that there were a few inaccuracies in my post

the guy with the baby arms was master pandemonium who while he was working under the direction of Mephisto is not him

the twins were made purely out of fractions of Mephistos soul in the comics and he arranged them for them to be kidnapped in order to regain the power he had lost

This doesn’t change my theories much since I don’t believe they are going to have master pandemonium appear in the series because he was a middle man and the writers are going to probably have a bigger villain name to help draw in more views.( also don’t think theyre going to have anyone use the twins as arms cause I don’t see it being taken seriously in this day and age but imagine the memes if they did lol but I will go back and fix the information when I can thank you again @hapllucigenia123 who can also be found in the comments if the tags don’t work

[transrightsjimin]

ok so ive been working on re-sorting my accessories and just in general stuff i dont use often enough and it took me way too long but i made these cardboard drawer dividers for my egl + fairy kei hair accessories, wristcuffs and waistties. i rambled too much from here on so.

it may seem rly weird to make smth so cheaply to go w lolita clothing but it works i guess. i hate how slow i was bc it took me 4-5 hours just to get that done. so i just started this now and need to do like 3 more drawers and then so much more. bc my whole room is a mess and idk if ill manage w trying to organize and keep or sell or gift or donate the clothes and random junk like i want to.

also i havent worn lolita in over a year i think(? or i forgot) and i do still love the fashion and window shop for it often and stuff but i don't interact w the dutch lolita community at all (and don't want to) since like 2 years bc i've never made good friends in it and there's too many fascists in it which supposed 'feminist' mods and event hosts didn't do anything about.

as for the clothing itself, i just don't wear it much bc it's either rly fcking suffocatingly hot and even if it isn't warm i nd even if i shower / wash and use antiperspirant, i sweat so much always bc my hormones act weird nd that was always the case but it just sucks a bit bc it stains on light clothes rly fast and i cant get it out of some blouses so i cant re-sell those when grown out of them. i just dont think im fit for wearing pastels in general bc of this issue (well that + i always manage to stain clothes bc autism / no awareness of surroundings).

and most of all i became more fat (not insulting btw. im just fat and thats ok lol i dont want any annoying anons abt that) over the years and dont fit in most of my clothes and some of them i could fit into again if i were to finally get chest surgery. but it might take another 2 years until a potential surgery would need to happen bc i first need to round up current therapist appointments for 1,5 yr and then go to amsterdam umc which is a very transphobic environment but that hospital has p much a monopoly on trans healthcare here, and then talk to another person there before i could finally get approval for surgery. and i already waited 2,5-3 years for these therapy appts and i kinda hate how this has certain required parts like bringing your parents to a meeting. but ok im going off-topic. anyway. im holding onto some dresses probably for far too long but i know my body size / "weight" (idg why its always called weight when i mean being of a certain size and not being heavier on a scale i dont have) randomly shifts and i just hope i can get rid of my breasts. but meanwhile it's been years and boobs r still on. its rly annoying

[insporaelynn]

📲 raelynn && roman

WHEN: january 24-26th 

DESCRIPTION: just best friends talking and being obsessed with each other. rae confides in him about her ex drama.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: drug mention, probably sex mention.

@romanbeckett​

Roman

Hi love of my life. I miss your face. How’s it going??

raelynn

my baby

god, i miss you too. i'm doing okay, how're you tonight?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

it’s been an off day, not even gonna lie lol super sore and tired. I just wanna be back to normal already

raelynn

oh no

how's your scar healing up? the boys are taking care of you right??

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

it’s okay I guess bleh lol and not tonight. I’m all alone

raelynn

Where's Q? Is Aaron working?

Well I guess I should know that since I'm literally at work. Lmao.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Q is working on music. Aaron has des tonight

raelynn

ugh. i wanna lay with you and kiss ur face.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

are you busyyy? I can burn us some cookies

raelynn

i'm working but I'd love to see you after if you're still up.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

of yeah you just said you’re at work lmao fucking weed

yes please come by when you’re done

raelynn

LMAO I KNOW THE FEELING

absolutely, i'm yours.

u know niamh was trying to figure out who rue's date was and she was like "is it you" bc i mentioned that I have a dick appt with him tomorrow night.

and i was like. dude, no, for like, a thousand reasons. like, why would that ever be me???

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚n.

oh god, I’m so out of the loop with gossip lately, it’s sad. I didn’t even know he had a date lol

raelynn

it's apparently some big secret but he's having people help him dress up and asking about flowers and candy and niamh is like "bitch is it you" and i'm like. LMAO.

like is there anything about me that says flowers and candy

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

Hahahahahhahahahahaha HAHAHA

that really made me laugh too hard.

raelynn

like, i'm not the flowers girl, i'm the sneak out in the night girl, the middle of the afternoon girl, all those things, but flowers girl???? sdkfdskksd

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I’m 100p a flowers girl

raelynn

YOU ARE AND YOU'RE WORTH IT MY BABY

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

my parents are coming in to town this week. Gotta tell them I have two boyfriends haaaa. Pray for me

raelynn.

I feel like that should be the least shocking thing about you??? In a good way.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yeah, I definitely keep them on their toes

raelynn

tell ur boyfriend that if he wants me to continue wearing body glitter he's going to have to pay me extra

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

omg but I love body glitter fyi

raelynn

I did an onlyfans video with Lilah earlier and I'm like 80% sure that I left glitter on her sheets. Like I'm a fucking unicorn.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

that makes me so happy I can’t even lie

I too wanna leave glitter everywhere

man I need to do only fans

raelynn

i would a thousand percent subscribe

both bc i'm a perv and also bc i'm a very supportive best friend.

we could get naked and do a body glitter photoshoot

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

and I love this about you

that sounds like a dream?? Wow

raelynn

would love nothing more than to apply body glitter to ur glorious tiddies.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

my tillies would appreciate it

Hahahaa it hurts to laughhhh

raelynn

SORRY SORRY I'M GOING TO BE VERY SERIOUS NOW

clears throat Um. The National Debt.

it is my understanding that there is. National Debt.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

hahahah I love you

raelynn

Blah blah, topics. Blah blah, smart people jargon, blah blah

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

god it’s so boring isn’t it

would so much rather talk about titties

raelynn

God same.

Like how yours are somehow bigger than mine.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I know, I need some sort of support at this point I think

raelynn

we could get you fitted for bras somewhere maybe that'd be fun

it'd look actually so hot

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

well I already wear lingerie in the bedroom. Might as well.

raelynn

you will be the absolute death of me, you're simply too gorgeous and too sweet to exist.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

stahhpppp you’re making me blushhhh. Right back atcha my babe

raelynn

is there anything you want me to bring you when i'm done here?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

just yourself. I’ve got good ass weed

raelynn

and for the millionth time, i realized, you are my soul mate.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

you’re mine, lovie.

raelynn

i wish i could've had appendix surgery instead of you

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

noooo don’t be silly lol I’m okay darling.

raelynn.

no i hate that you were in pain even for like a second i hate it so much!!

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

stop it, I love you. You cutie. Oh god okay I’m gonna make us cookies.

raelynn

Dont burn the house down my beautiful twin flame

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I always get cookie dough thinking I’ll do better next time. I still have that unearned confidence

raelynn.

Thats bc im always building you up and rightfully so

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

yes you do and I live for it. I also really love fresh cookies right out of the oven, I just want to make that happen

raelynn

I believe in you my little tropical starfish

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

raelynn

literally you

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

hehehehe ⭐️

raelynn

i don't think anybody's ever gonna love me more than you

and i think. i think maybe that's okay?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

that’s not true. You’re gonna find someone who is gonna blow you away

raelynn

yeah but even if i did, would I even be able to love them without being scared of them?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

yeah, I think so. I’ve had to overcome a lot of walls and fears myself that I never thought I could. The right person makes it easier.

raelynn

idk there are a lot of people i could've loved if i hadn't been so....this lmao

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I think it’ll just take some time!

raelynn

you have so much faith in me.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

of course I do. I think you can do anything.

raelynn

i'm not really sure.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

you don’t have to be cause I ammmmm

raelynn

and you're the smartest person in the world

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

in the whole world?? Damn. I’m not near as rich as I should be then.

raelynn

how about I stay over with you tonight and we get some breakfast in the morning? I did really good on tips tonight.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

okay!! I’d love that

raelynn

good 'cause i don't get to spend nearly as much time with you as i wanna

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I knowwww. We haven’t had a sleepover in so long

raelynn

you can cuddle up to me and i'll feed you cookies and kiss your hair

revolutionary. better than therapy.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Yes!!!!

raelynn

loml

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I finished the cookies baby and I didn’t burn them to a crisp

raelynn

you fucking legend

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I’m pretty damn proud of myself not gonna lieeeee

[...]

raelynn

extremely sad that i couldn't stay at breakfast with you all day

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

same

now I’m bored

raelynn

i swear after i left you my day went down the tubes.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

oh no I’m sorry

who do I need to fight

raelynn

well carson is back.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

oh god, tell me more

raelynn

idk why he's back but wes gave him my number bc i guess when i told him to lose it he took it to heart which like good i wanted him to

but anyway i screamed at him in the chat

everyone called me a hypocrite bc i told ivy to stop being a bitch in the chat awhile back. which tbh i didn't remember even doing, i just be saying shit.

like alex opened his fuckin mouth and i'm like what dog do you have in this fight

oh and DELILAH is moving in with carson bc he's "like her brother!!!" never mind the fact that he cheated on me bc i guess friendship doesn't mean much anymore

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

wow that’s...messy. Wtf lilah though seriously

raelynn.

So then Carson texts me bc wes gave him my number and that felt like being??? Pushed back in time against my will

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

that’s not cool

raelynn

So yeah a lot of crying today

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

*chick with knife emoji*

me rn

raelynn

Cute but lethal

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

*img attachment* 

and not at all high...

raelynn.

you're so hot jesus christ.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you.

raelynn.

love u more than life itself

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

*img attachment of a keychain that says PUSSY WAGON* 

this was recommended to me on Instagram and now I want it.

raelynn

LET'S GET THEM MATCHING.

EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A CAR

AND THEREFORE NO KEYS FOR SAID CAR

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

it would be perfect for my Volkswagen

raelynn.

omg and with me in it...it really WOULD be a pussy wagon......

big brain

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahahahah

raelynn

we should road trip soon

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I would love that so much honestly

raelynn

where should we go?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

Disney world!!

raelynn

will u propose to me there

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

wouldn’t that be romantic as heck

raelynn.

THE most romantic and also we'd maybe get free dessert

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I never turn down anything free.

raelynn

me neither. not the taylor family way

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahaha I love you.

raelynn.

we'll start planning a summer trip, just us.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yay yay yay yay!

raelynn.

i'm gonna wear a tiara the whole time.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.BOT01/25/2021

with Mickey ears?

raelynn.BOT01/25/2021

of course, i'm not a monster.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahahaa

[...]

raelynn

I hate dudes.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

they’re a mess aren’t they lol

raelynn

Had a temporary lapse in sanity and agreed to meet Carson for coffee lol and he canceled like 15 mins before we were supposed to meet for a probably fake meeting lmao its so typical but I fell for it

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

babe I’m so sorry

raelynn

Like im just so tired

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

how can I make it better

raelynn.

I don't know honestly and I wish I did.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you.

raelynn

I love you.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

you’re my baby

raelynn

you're MY baby

[drowningwavez]

We talked a lot about babies in my psych appt the other day which isn’t a huge suprise. But we talked about me having a baby. She asked if it was something I wanted. I said I wasn’t really sure. That I could never bring a child into the world knowing I’d fuck them up. I feel it would be way too selfish to inflict the intergenerational trauma on a child. I’d feel too much guilt. She said if that wasn’t a factor would I. It’s nothing I’ve ever thought about. I’ve been terrified of falling pregnant.

But I’m at this age where everyone in my life is married/has a partner and is having babies. I feel so out of place. I often don’t worry about this stuff but literally everyone, all my longest friends are now pregnant & I never imagined that happening. I feel so stuck, I still feel I’m in my early 20’s not 30. I feel like time has stood still. I feel by the time I ever get my shit together enough it’ll be too late anyway.

Then watching Parenthood tonight I realised that even if I wanted a kid I just couldn’t with my back. I can’t bend or hold a child. I can hardly look after my niece and it’s heartbreaking as I used to do so much with kids, I love working with kids and looking after my other nephews. It just hit me I guess. I feel since that day I hurt my back it’s just frozen me in time then. But It’s bought up a lot of grief lately as I’m really seeing what I’m missing out on. I know 30 isn’t that old but it feels like I’ve robbed myself of 30 years, three decades I’ve spent trying to repair the trauma of my parents.

Also weird that the rheumatologist also asked me if I was planning on having children. I didn’t know what to say as he goes ‘oh you’re 30 so you’re likely going to plan on having children. So I’ll pick this medication as it’s safe in pregnancy’. I was like??? Don’t worry I don’t plan on having kids anytime soon but was just like why is this baby shit coming up everywhere.

There’s also the small other thing that I’ve also forgotten haha is that I don’t think I’m even really into males anyway so? Babies are not really part of that equation.but then of course when that shit is triggered I end up doing the opposite and do awful shit with males. Man I should probably just email this to my psych instead lol.

[happyhippystuff]

CB Day 53:

yesterday was such a ! busy ! day ! because i had to:  1. collect stickers for joems  2. collect flowers  3. deliver flowers  and it was all........ in the WEST + it doesn’t help that i was so very bothered by my morning car mistake + pending interview results, which made me q anxious ;_; + also some issues with the flowers which made me a bit !!!! but learning that everyone is learning, and it is okay. brought quite a fair bit of flowers home, but !!! glad bc mum had a lot of fun with them - never knew she was into floral arrangements, and we had a good bonding time over arranging the flowers. also, the flowers revived (!!!) hehe guess they were just rly dehydrated. 

and then received my job offer (!!!!), and also tried to negotiate the pay, which resulted in another series of worries LOL but i learnt a lot just from that incident and i want to note down some learning points: - sometimes, when you act in faith, it doesn’t make sense and not everyone will be supportive. but there’s always 2 response to things: the natural response and the faith response.  - people can have good intentions for you but people don’t know who your God is to you, but as long as you know who God is for YOURSELF then you KNOW.  - always remember to quieten your heart and ask God what is He speaking to you about instead of just being all flustered and !!! ahh !!!  - it is also about living a life WITH God (funnily how i only always thought about living a life FOR God) 

but all in all, i am at peace with the decision that i have made, and i know that obedience always brings blessings - however the blessings might look. but i am also very excited because !!! there’s just this !!!! feeling in me that God is moving and doing something. and i guess i’m on a journey of learning how to let go and trust God. but yay to new job + new beginnings and also, to REMEMBER all the lessons i’ve learnt in the past, not make the same mistakes and !!! to know that God is always with me. to seek the Holy Spirit in everythinggggggg. 

today has been quite chill. the weather is gloomy which makes me so nua, but went to collect taicheong egg tarts with the brother and managed to share about my tithe + job testimony with him. tbh, its the first time we’ve talked about church related stuff and i feeeel that its good !!! that i can talk church with him yk ?? anyhow, we shared yakun and i also had some radish cake + egg tart from Taicheong. 

also, the bf’s grandma got admitted into the hospital :((((( and i feel so helpless haha i’m rly bad at comforting people, or reassuring them cuz idk what to say/do except to.... just be there ykwim :( which sometimes makes me feel like a horrible friend/ gf, but i guess i can always pray !!! :))) that ahma will recover and may God bless her body and her mind (!!!!) no anxiety (!!!) 

i’m feeling really really lazy today, and NOT in the mood to work out at all. but i already took an off from working out ytd v_v but i am REALLY not feeling it so maybe i’ll take another day off, or just do some light stretching. also trying to keep in mind that i’ll be starting work soon which will mean less work out time and the such. 

sigh, i need better quality sleep :( no idea whyyyy my sleep has been so disrupted recently. also, psych appt next week ugh ........................ 

[sloblesbian]

my grandma called & we keep missing each other now & its driving me up a wall. i shouldve picked up while i was driving

actually. my dr appt was this morning & it was..... alright. it was fairly long? how long do these things usually last. it was like an hour. it was like... just a regular physical so there wasnt really anything... idk. she said my blood pressure was good which is quite frankly great bc usually when i go im so nervous that it affects me but like.. idk. deep breaths, pretended i was on a rowboat... 

she did talk about like. anxiety stuff which i didnt want to talk about, not really, but matt told me to say yes because if i want to talk about it eventually theyll be like “why did you say no” or whatever. i dont know i think theyre always trying to trick me. it just... feel like really fake whenever i talk about it with strangers, like they don’t get it. i’m not nervous about social interactions, usually, i mean i hate talking to anyone professional because i dont understand how those work. and i mentioned that i didnt get my license until i was 24 & she’s like oh because you were worried about all the things that could go wrong & i said yes but that wasnt really it i was just convinced that i would use my new found ability to operate a motor vehicle to like, purposely harm myself or something lol..... like. i don’t have anxiety that makes sense. being afraid to drive, or talk to someone, that makes sense, and i have it sometimes but it’s easily conquerable. i have incredibly irrational fears like. suddenly convinced that if i get out of my car something bad is going to happen so instead i drive home. im Terrified of phone calls. (i guess this makes sense, though. i have bad audio processing so if i cant see someone i have a hard time figuring out what theyre saying, and i like... dont... understand the protocol for phone calls..) (actually i think a lot of my anxiety is that i am probably autistic and dont know how things operate but who knows, certainly not me). of course whenever i try to think of examples i can’t think of any. she recommended i talk to the counselors & i know where they are and i guess.. i could do that. maybe ill make an appt when i go back for blood work (aaaaa) on monday. but idk. i dont really want to talk to someone about my problems. i think that talking about them won’t really help. i didn’t bring up like..... any of my other problems. i feel like i am basically all problems and most of them are just. im afraid of sharing things with other people to the point where im very, very duplicitous. i have really bad anger problems.... 

also right before the appointment i started feeling like. incredibly bad about my body. i mean she didnt tell me my weight i didnt even have to ask lol..... its over 200 i know but besides that. but just... i always feel so judged by strangers like. i know im Ugly. im fat and my face is very crooked and im So Hairy. im ok with it & im not worried about my friends & whatever like... they know im weird and gross. i dont know why i think that someone else is going to look at my weird body and make me feel bad. well i mean i actually do know, it’s because it has happened, not with doctors, but with lots of other people, my entire life. wild. 

im ok i guess. typically its the blood work which does me in because..... theres nothing inside my body actually its empty and i hate knowing theres anything that contradicts that. but we’ll see monday. 

[nathank77]

3/16-19/24 Updated

1:22 a.m

So I have my order for my Ray Bans on hold. I called and was very detailed in telling them I have an eye doctor appt Tuesday to retest incase I need Progressives... and today I got my Ray Bans in single vision distance in the mail! I check on the website and they are on hold still... so I think I got a fucking freebie. I'm not telling them lol I might switch to Oakley air drop. If I push them too far up my nose they touch my glabella and lift off my face a little when I smile. When i wear them a tiny bit lower, more on my nose bridge. They don't lift up when I smile and they don't touch my glabella or eyebrows at all. Also more of my eyebrows can be seen. Although they feel a bit heavy on my nose in this location. I'm used to wearing my glasses high up on my nose.... but my other two pairs weigh 17 grams. These weigh 13. Maybe I just got to get used to wearing thicker frames without nose pads. Cause these don't have nose pads.

Do I like them? Hell yes, when I go to my eye doctor I will decide whether I should do progressives or stay with single vision distance. I could benefit from progressives but the cost and the distortion isn't ideal... but I'll see. Depending on how these feel in the next few days I'll decide if I'm switching them. The Oakley have a 17 gram frame weight and they are very similar to these. So I imagine they'll be a little less comfortable but the nose bridge is 18 and my current are 17 and that may make a difference.

These don't squeeze my head though. They fit perfect it's just my nose that's a little uncomfortable.. I guess I'll make a decision by Tuesday and I won't admit they sent me a pair until they bring it up. It's a good deal cause I spent 270$ on them... 2 pairs for that cost makes a lot more sense even if it's a different frame.

[playablezelda]

Hope I'm not bothered you but I'd like to ask for advice related to EDS. I've had awful knee pain for the last three months and I have to wear a brace on my right knee because it feels incredibly weak and will seem to buckle almost. No doctor has been able to tell me what's wrong and I'm too scared because my family will get mad that I believe I have this. I'm not sure if you experienced this but advice would be very helpful because to me diagnosis would be validation. Thank you

hello! i’m not bothered at all don’t worry, i totally get how you’re feeling. my knees, specifically my left, are a big problem joint for me, and a spontaneous dislocation in a friend’s kitchen is pretty much what started my years long ~diagnosis journey~ And it was kind of the same sitch, actually. After dislocating my knee, it was terribly painful and really weak and no one was really sure why, or what to do about it. A fair few people didn’t believe what was going on in the first place, as when it dislocated I was literally standing still in a kitchen, lol. 

I do wanna take a second to say if your knee is your only problem, EDS is usually pretty systemic, and you might want to look into more specific diagnoses first. But also, everyone has a first joint to give, so, who knows, I guess? I’m assuming if you’re here and asking this you’ve done enough research to know that though!

If you’ve looked into EDS and have a history of joint pain and feel strongly that this could be the cause of your persistent knee issue, talk to your doctor! I can’t guarantee they’ll understand, but it’s worth a shot, and I believe, even if you’re a minor, they can’t tell your parents anything you don’t want them too that isn’t like, immediately life threatening? I’m not 100% on that, mostly because I have to bring my mom to doctor’s appts with me because I tend to go nonverbal, haha. 

This is the checklist I personally found most helpful when I was talking to my mom about EDS and making up a history for my doctors! Also, if you do what to seek official diagnosis, and you have a smartphone, symple is a really good pain/symptom tracking app, which is a helpful tool when talking to medical professionals about chronic pain!

[antheas-blackberry]

36 ODD things about you! Learn 36 things about your friends and let them learn 36 things about you!

1. Do you like blue cheese? kind of ok, but I don’t go out of my way for it 2. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? Yes 3. Do you own a gun? No 4. What flavour Kool- Aid? ummmmm is Mystrade a flavour? 5. Do you get nervous before a Dr's appt? Sometimes 6.What do you think of hot dogs? Vom.  I haven’t had a hot dog since I was like 10 7. Favourite Christmas movie? Die Hard.  I mean the Bells of St. Mary’s.  8. Morning drink: coffee with a side of coffee 9. Can you do a push up? Ask me after I go back to pilates after a few weeks off due to the holidays 10. What's your favourite piece of jewelry? The Tiffany Heart I got for my 40th 11. Do you have a favourite hobby? Reading, writing, running, sleeping  12. Do you have A.D.D.? No, but as I’ve gotten older my ability to focus has changed to negligible  13. Do you wear glasses? Yes, when I’m not wearing my contacts 14. Who was your childhood idol? Kerr Avon 15. Name 3 thoughts you have at the moment? #protectMycroft2k17, I should put the heat on, I need more coffee 16. Name three drinks you drink regularly: water, coffee, coke zero 17. Current worries? trying to find a job 18. Current hate? how long a list do you want? 19. Favourite place to be? London 20. How do you bring in the New Year? watching DS9 21. Where would you like to go? I’d like to travel more- to Paris, other parts of the UK, Ireland 22. Name 3 people that will complete this? lol no one I bet  23. Do you own slippers? Yes 24. What color shirt are you wearing? crimson 25. Do you like sleeping in satin sheets? no 26. Can you whistle? Yeah 27. Where are you now? living room  28. Would you be a pirate? ummmm a real pirate, not a pretend one like Sherlock wanted to be? 29. What song do you sing in the shower?I guess I sort of just hum 30. Favourite sports team? Red Sox 31. Favourite food? pizza 32. What's in your pocket? no pockets currently 33. The last thing that made you cry? stress   34. What's your favourite animal? Cats 35. Worst injury? ankle 36. How many TV's in your house? 1

[littleglassheart]

Real Journal Entry of 2020

It takes so long to put my brain into words.  Reflection my therapist says.  Thats what this is about.  Writing down your thoughts so you can understand and organize them.  I feel thats how I need to explain it.  My jumbled brain just sort of constantly spirals out of control.  After my last therapy appt I have come to the realization that in order to make this work, in order to really be a mom to anyone, i have got to make the changes BEFORE he’s here.

What this has done is, for the first time... I am learning to sit with my thoughts.  I have found that I am able to sit and stare and not say a word.  That I can for the first time in my entire life, I can sit with my thoughts.  I can center myself and just embrace the moment.  I spend way less time on my phone now.  Any extra time that i have has gone to drawing mandalas.  I got a book to keep notes but instead started doodling and from there, it has just grown.  I am on my third book in less than a month.  All the pages filled with mandalas.  Crazy.  I have always drawn mandalas, even before I knew what they were!  I had no idea my doodles had a name.  I also didnt know i was using a technique of meditation, I had no idea thats what I was doing.  And now that I know, drawing has even more meaning to it.  When I’m sad or upset or stressed, I lay on my bed and start creating mandalas.  I had no idea the comfort it would bring.  

I guess my point is, is that I am finding ways to center myself.  I have always been so scared of existing and doing things I dont like... I always knew it was selfish of me but I also thought it was the ADHD but visiting Missouri this week and being around my nephew and investing my time with him, really was a surprise for me.  I have the hardest time sitting still especcially when it doesnt benefit me. LOL... so like, watching a cartoon I hate with my nephew would usually drive me nuts.  But this time, although I didnt want to do it... I could.   Its hard to explain but being able to sit with my thoughts, control my feelings and enjoy my nephew was a HUGE DEAL.  I’ve never done this before for more than a couple minutes.  But I lasted a hell of a long time on that couch playing video games.  I dread repetition of any kind and thats what I was doing.  Playing the same game over and over again and letting him win each time.  Wow... its important that I remember this for later because society is so fast pace now that we loose sight of whats important.

Taking in a child with special needs is going to change my life and my husbands life.  I am going to have to learn to slow down and be in the moment with him.  I am going to have to learn to overcome the fear of being stuck in slow motion.  I am going to have to be able to learn to SIT and be a sponge and enjoy every moment, no matter how small and mundane it is.  This will be our new life.  We will be here for him and make those changes.

My husband had always been good at repetition.  He knows how to enjoy the little things.  He can throw a ball for an hour or two and enjoy it from the first minute to the last.  Its just how he is.  I envy his dedication and diligence and easygoing nature.  I didn’t think i had it in me to do that but I’m finding out quickly its possible.  Thats really my biggest fear, is having a child that needs me 24/7 and having to do shit i dont want to do like watch a cartoon, go for walks, help him read, etc.  Don’t get me wrong, I guess ‘i dont want to’ isn’t the right verbage.  Its more like, being scared of being in it with him and loosing my patience because its repetitive and I have other things I could be doing.  But here we are, and i can see me changing already.  

SO crazy.

[ah17hh]

My (38m) wife (38f) met someone else and now wants an open relationship. I need some help via /r/polyamory

My (38m) wife (38f) met someone else and now wants an open relationship. I need some help

So in order to get to the non-monogamy part I need to tell some backstory first. My wife and I have been together since college and have been married for over a decade. She has always struggled with mental health, having a severe anxiety problem and a not quite as severe problem with depression. Until very recently she was not properly medicated for these issues, being severely under-medicated. She also suffered from severe back pain for many years until recently when she had very serious surgery to help the issue. She was on opiates, muscle relaxers, and sleeping pills for the better part of a decade. She finally decided enough was enough and enough and quit the opiates all on her own and realized she'd been on them so long they weren't really doing anything to alleviate her back pain, but they were helping her mental issues. Once she quit them (around last Thanksgiving), her mental health started a steady decline that she tried to get through by self-medicating with her muscle relaxers and sleeping pills. She basically slept the day away and I would consider it a success if I could get her out of bed for 45 minutes to an hour a day. The problem is we have 2 young children (7 and 5) and I work from home. Once schools closed down due to Covid in March everything kind of hit the fan. I was trying to work and take care of 2 children while she was suffering and laying in bed all day long. I was at a total loss, I knew I couldn't just tell her to suck it up and get through it, mental health doesn't work like that, and I knew she wanted to be laying in bed all day least of all (I promise this relates to the non-monogamy I'm getting there lol). However, I was suffering greatly trying to watch our children, make sure I did my work so I wouldn't lose my job, and also try to give her as much attention as I could to make sure she didn't slip further away. Eventually, after buying more muscle relaxers online and using up all her sleeping pills she turned to alcohol and for a period of about 3 weeks she drank herself to sleep every night. The end result of this was her catching some kind of bug along with a UTI and vomitting non-stop for 3 days landing her in the hospital. While she was there she actually "escaped", found a liquor store, drank a bottle of vodka and then smashed it and slit her wrists to try and end her life (she sliced vertically, not horizontally, so I know she was serious). Luckily she was found before she died and ended up spending a week in a psych hospital where she finally was put on medications that helped her mental health. I was so happy that she seemed clear headed and not ruled by her anxiety for the first time in many years. She then went to a 30 day rehab facility in another state. While at the rehab facility she developed feelings for another man there the same age as her. She got home and didn't really mention it much at first, but eventually after she was talking to him more and more and realizing exactly what her feelings for this guy were she admitted to me that she wasn't sure she could be happy in a monogamous relationship anymore. I obviously felt completely blindsided. In my head, I had expectations of her coming home, finally being healthy, and us working on and improving our marriage which had honestly taken a total backseat since we had kids along with her mental and physical health problems.

Now, I should say that I am far from a perfect husband. I love my wife more than life itself but I have a tough time showing it in ways that make her happy. For example, while she was down in rehab she was only allowed to have her phone 3 days a week for a couple hours a day. You would think that I, missing her as much as I did and just wanting her to feel happy and safe and reassured after what she went through, might send her a text each day even if she didn't have her phone so when did get it she would see a couple nice messages waiting for her. I never did that, I just waited until I knew she would have her phone and if she didn't call me within 10 minutes or so I'd give her a call. There are many examples of crap like that throughout our marriage. She would often have smaller outpatient surgical procedures on her back, and that would involve me dropping her off at a surgery center then picking her up a few hours later, bringing her home, getting her set up in our bed with everything she needs, and then me going downstairs to do my work. I knew how much pain she was in and how uncomfortable she was up there, but usually I'd somehow just basically ignore her up there instead of going up and asking how she is doing, spending a few minutes with her, etc. It made her feel unloved and forgotten, and worse than that I think it made her feel like a burden that I just wanted to put down and forget about, even though that couldn't be farther from the truth. I don't know why my brain seems to be wired in such a way that even though in the past I've been told hey when you do this it bothers me, please don't do that, I still can't bring myself to correct it when the situation comes up again.

So, now back to the new guy, obviously in the beginning of any "relationship" stuff goes really well, you are learning about the person, having easy conversations, the dopamine is flowing etc, etc. She is getting all the attention that I did not give her from this new guy. I asked her to go to marriage counseling many times, and some times she says she can't do it, she doesn't have the energy or the bandwidth to concentrate on our relationship when she needs to concentrate on our children and herself, and other times she says ok. I finally found a therapist and will be receiving a call on Monday with an appt time, and I believe she's willing to do it, so we will see.

I just don't know what to do. I love her with all my heart, and I of course love my children even more, so I don't want to just break up, but at the same time I can't help but feel like she doesn't actually want an open relationship, she just wants to be able to be with this guy without guilt and without "cheating." I should also say since i work from home I really have no way or meeting any women to actually complete my end of the open relationship. I suppose I could get on tinder or whatever but I doubt many women would be interested in a married guy in his late 30s with 2 kids, even if I do convince them that I'm actually in an open marriage and not just some jerk lying in order to get laid. And all of that is assuming I actually want to go out on dates with other women, which I'm not sure I do. I never gave it any thought before, I always just assumed my wife and I would be together for the rest of our lives, and honestly cheating on her has never even crossed my mind, I've always been the type of guy who if the opportunity presented itself perfectly, in that a beautiful woman was propositioning me and there was 0% chance my wife would find out, I still wouldn't do it, I'm just not wired that way.

I logically and intellectually know that sex is just sex, but I don't know how well I'd handle her being intimate with another man, especially when it came time for she and I to have sex together after she was with the other guy, I'm just not sure mentally I'd be able to do it. I guess it sounds like the answer is obvious, that I'm not cut out for non-monogamy, but at the same time I want my wife to be happy so badly. It's hard to explain and I probably sound like a sucker, but she's had such a rough road for the last decade with her physical and mental health that I truly believe she deserves to be happy. I know it's impossible for both of us to end up completely happy here, but if the options are us getting a divorce and me only getting to see my kids half of the time (which will absolutely crush me) or us staying together and opening up our marriage even though I might not ever come to terms with it, well right now I think I'd choose the non-monogamy.

I'm sorry for this huge wall of text, and for anyone who has read the whole thing I really appreciate it and would appreciate even more anyone's advice or stories. Has anyone ever dealt with something similar, where you were not at all sure about opening things up but did it anyway? I'd love to hear the results. Thank you again.

Submitted August 21, 2020 at 02:24AM by ConfusedHusbandHere via reddit https://ift.tt/3aIwEA4

[cellophobia]

some general shid i’m thinking about:

- new medication. wtf. i think it’s too early to say at this point but i’ve already had pretty bad obsessions Twice and yesterday was my first day off lexapro,,,, and bupropion doesn’t treat ocd i think so i’ll see how it goes but if it gets any worse i’m rescheduling my psych appt to be sooner

- twenty one pilots w my mom in october!! love them!! love them live!!!!!

- i am in the bath and it keeps draining so i have to keep refilling it up because my BATHTUB SUCKS!!!

- Minecraft Java Edition

- fuck school? i don’t know what i’m gonna do with my life because at this point i can’t even handle a full year of school........ i hate mental illness soooooo much. even on meds i couldn’t go!!! even with a fucking paper from my psychiatrist saying “lol ya he’s gonna miss a lot of school” i couldn’t bring myself to go bc i didn’t wanna fail. failure from not trying is better than failure from trying. damn typing that makes me realize how backwards that is LMAO but that’s just how i think

- do i go back to working at my other job?????????? i love most of the ppl there and the new manager is soooooo cool (met him before, he dates my old manager) and ppl there appreciate me and they’re all so nice and i’m not fucking BORED all the time..... plus maybe when i’m 18 i could be shift manager......... ugh idk what the fuc to do

- WHY CANT I STOP EATING WHY AM I LIKE THIS??¿ ¿ i’m cryin and i dislike my body a lot

- i Hate Being a Mess and I Need Support but I Hate Reaching Out for Support because i don’t like being a burden on others. don’t like them feeling bad for me. therapy just ..... ain’t enough at this point sksksk all we do is GOSSIP and talk about my father who i don’t even give a fuck about.

- boyf in a couple weeks yahhhh

- I WANNA WASH MY HAIR BUT THIS TUB KEEPS DRAINING ITSELF !!!!!!!!!

- talked to a lady on the phone today and she was so nice but I COULDNT UNDERSTAND A FUCKING THING SHE WAS SAYING !! and her husband kept trying to butt in the call i think and she was like IM A GROWN WOMAN I KNOW WHAT IM DOING!! i love her so much. actually i love most old women on phones @ work. sometimes they are cursed but usually they are so sweet.....

- thinking abt that time at the mall when i ran up the escalator after my friend and this woman stared me down when i got to the top and i was so embarrassed but it was so fucking funny

- axtually? i miss bri. i miss her so much. she still considers me her best friend even tho we haven’t gone to school together in like two years & we see each other once a month at max. i guess she had a cancer scare tho???? i didn’t know abt that... and i feel bad bc i wanna be there for her but. i just don’t go on insta that often anymore and i didn’t see her updates

- that’s it. also fuck spiders

[shawnjacksonsbs]

Do you like apples?       8-19-18

I had a very relaxing and uneventful day, which was ok with me. So after waking up at 6:30 and then napping twice, my day actually started around noonish. lol I wasn't procrastinating anything either. I was just tired. As a matter of fact, I got several things accomplished this last week. Got my dentist appt set, and got a lot of my tools bought and put up. Anyways, my lazy morning started with us watching Good Will Hunting. Now, normally this is the part where I'd say "You know the movie. Its stars Matt Damon and Robin Williams. We've all seen it.", but I can't, as the whole premise for watching it today was because my son had not seen it. Watching things for me now, as this new me, means seeing it differently and catching things that I didn't notice when I watched it before. A lot of movies are like that for me. Maybe some of you can relate. Changing perspectives can change perspectives. lol I realized that what I do, although very important, is nowhere near as important as who I am. Who I am and how I feel about that is way more important than what I do with it.  Plus, who I am,  especially if living right, will dictate what I do anyway and that in turn should line up with what I want. That's contingent on the whole living right process. I don't know about you guys, but I've thought a lot about dying these last several years, actually more of just being dead and like, things that will be said at my funeral etc. I realized that, although some positive words from those that care about me, and how I turned my life around, would be amazing, it doesn't hold a candle to my kids and grandkids opinions of who I was as a person, who I was, and even am, tot them. I wish I could make up time to others, but the only people I truly OWE (that's right OWE) life and time to are my children and grandchildren, for which I've missed too much already. My number one goal is that my kids will never doubt how I live the rest of my life and why I do the things I do because they've seen the change. And that my grandkids will never, ever see or know me as anything other than who I've been since they were born. PERIOD! If and when I am gone, I want to have lived in such a way that there is no doubt in their minds that I did the best I could for them, for me, and those around me. I want them to know its ok to live with your heart on your sleeve, constantly asking "What would Fred Rogers do?" in the times they doubt a decision. Being kind, loving, compassionate, trusting, and understanding are very under-rated qualities these days, but they are way more important than anything else. They will all see how living in gratitude brings more than one could possibly hope for in this life if it is truly lived.   I may have got off course slightly. My point still stands, who I am as a person, is far more important than I what I do with it. And like I said, what I do with it will change course to align itself with who I am anyways. I guess that's it for today. Please remember to share the love and the laughter with the world around you, and be kind to one another. Until next week; "How do you like them apples?" - Will Hunting

[toomanysurveys9]

So, you have brown eyes? i do not. blueish.

What was the last thing you ate? went out to lunch with my parents and one of my sisters. had fettuccine alfredo, salad, and bread sticks.

Can you say you’re happy? i could. and it’s mostly true at the moment. kind of. haha.

What’s bothering you right now? i’m still not dilated. although the doctor was able to feel wyatt’s head, so i don’t know how that works. oh, and jacob’s sister is stressing me out. she doesn’t seem to realize that wyatt is not her child.

Who was the last person to text you? jade.

What are you drinking right now? water. i need to drink more water.

What all did you do today? woke up. took a shower. went to a doctor appointment. went to lunch with my parents and one of my sisters. went to walmart. now at my parents’ house doing surveys.

Why did you last laugh really hard? i don’t remember.

How is your hair? kind of crazy but clean.

Could things possibly get any better? some things could for sure.

How are you feeling at the moment? okay. sort of uncomfortable cos my back..

Do you have feelings for someone? most definitely.

What was for dinner tonight? we’re having spaghetti for dinner. yeah. evidently we’re having a lot of pasta today.

Are you in a good mood? i’m in an okay mood today. i’d be better if michelle would cool it..

Where is the last person you kissed? he’s at work.

What color shirt are you wearing? it’s camo..

Did you have a fling this summer but it didn’t really go anywhere? no. i don’t do flings.

Do you get jealous? not generally, but it does happen i guess.

What is something you currently want? wyatt to be born. i keep getting more and more uncomfortable and i just want to meet him already.

What was the last thing you bought? a cute little outfit for wyatt for easter. at least, that’s the excuse i’m using. lol.

What was the weather like today? it’s been rainy and cool.

Do you like sushi? i’ve never had sushi but doesn’t appeal to me.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? a little bit, yes.

Ever kissed anyone with a nipple piercing? nope.

What about a lip piercing? nope.

Nose piercing? nope.

Do you like your hair? some days.

Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/​​​girlfriend?​​​ nope.

What was the last movie you watched? deadpool.

What color are your pillows? they’re dirty cos jake’s a mechanic. lol. they used to be white but no amount of washing will bring them back..

Who is the last person that made you laugh in person? my parents. they were being childish and goofy at lunch, which we don’t see much.

Over the phone/internet? i don’t remember.

Name one of your ex’s mother’s names? sheila.

Do you miss high school? i used to. not so much anymore..

What helps you sleep? i don’t know. i eventually just pass out.

Next dentist/gyno/doctor appt? i had a doctor appointment today. i have another one next monday, but with the nurse practitioner because my doctor is going on vacation this coming friday after he gets off work.

Have you ever been prescribed narcotics? yeah. i didn’t really use them though.