#idk. this is all very complicated. and i shouldnt get into it on my tumblr dot com because i realize a lot of you dont really know me

[blackthornass]

you know what i feel like finishing a whole 1 liter bottle of vodka in. checks phone. 28 hours. is not a good trait or an admirable trait. in fact it should probabl y get me shadowblasted to superhell. but like. listen. on one hand there is no more alcohol in my apartment not even listerine. and i canntot go to the liquor store for several days due to circumstances beyond my control. so thats a thing im gonna be sober for at least a few days so you cant get mad at me. and a second thing is that i really honestly am trying to cut down. im not doing a good job because im like, a failure or whatever but i am really hoenestly nand truly trying to drink less. so if all goes well the next bottle of liquor that i buy is going to last me like a day or two longer. so you can give that a big swag thumbs up.

[cryptice]

maybe ill use tumblr to vent on since i kinda turned my twitter into a free for all thing lol.... plus i can talk on here without the millions of "are you ok" questions from my wife bc some of this stuff he genuinely hasnt ever been able to help me with since we experience gender and brain things differently.

i usually just like to blame feeling shitty on "oh its just around the time im supposed to do my shot" and just forget about it but im just having so so so so so many stupid complicated feelings. i go thru cycles of not really caring about whatever my gender is and then i get really upset over it later on bc ive just never found anything i can feel comfortable with. i still dont feel like im existing correctly. i dont have a super cute aesthetically squishy body like a lot of people do. ill never be able to get top surgery. do i even actually want it? it would be nice but i feel like part of me only wants it so i can feel more accepted by other trans people...

im also really frustrated with how my brain works in the sense of being able to easily switch between talking about things im into. ive had problems all my life where as soon as im into a new thing, thats all i can ever think and talk about for anywhere from months to years on end. i completely forget EVERYTHING about whatever i liked previously. i struggle to remember basic stuff even, its like my brain gets wiped clean. its really frustrating because i want to be a well rounded person but i just cant. ive always had a one track mind. maybe its a dissociative thing but it just feels like every time i get into something new i feel like a completely different person and i dont know who i was previously. i section the periods of my life based on what i was into at the time. is it an escapism thing too? i have no idea.

also just. still throwing myself against a wall for the weird ways i feel about people. "dodged a bullet" honey there was neved a bullet. i never got over it. shit even if it was a bullet id let it hit me. but i have no idea what im doing when it comes to this stuff anymore and its a bad idea to keep feeling things like this anywaayyy... i feel like how i did when someone who was very, very dear to me would do things for me because i think she did genuinely care about me and want to see me happy, but obviously she did this in a friendly way.... i feel like that even though thinking about it its nowhere near the same. idk. im a mess and never got over my *****. if thats what i think it is. i think it is. maybe. idk. i shouldnt though. i need to forget about it and just be a normal grown ass person instead of feeling like a giddy 18 year old......

[alwaysalilhigh]

Alright.......Heres the Tea

Lemme be real with yal

This is a very unpopular opinion

So to prevent pointless arguments over this I suggest you keep scrolling and go about your day.

(Forgive my shitty grammar its 1am and I dont care about my grammar at this hour)

Ok......heres the deal.

Some of yall out here dealing with a lot of things in life....whether its depression, anxiety, social anxiety, PTSD, etc. And that's ok! Hell well all have some "baggage" and that's ok!

Now I get that some of you guys have met some shitty people in the past. Whether it was a toxic friend, an abusive relative, whatever.

Now I get that some certain Sander Sides characters, for some certain reason, seem to remind you of said event/person....and that's ok.

Now heres where it gets complicated....some of you guys out here, asking, for a censored version of some of the Sander Sides videos that include these characters/events....and some people in group chats, vlogs, aminos etc. ...have talked about asking Thomas himself....for a censored version of certain episodes......

...now that's all fine and dandy...except...its not.

Heres an example:

Some people on tumblr posted all the trigger warnings for the most recent Sander Sides video. And it was very very, ungodly long. Now many people did something like this, so this isnt just one person.....

But they had things like "puke mentions" and "poop mention" and if some of you guys are so triggered to the point where you need to know if there is a "poop mention" ? Then you guys have a serious problem.

If you feel uncomfortable to the point where you want a censored version of an artwork that reminds you of a traumatic event, then you probably shouldnt be watching that type of artwork in the first place.

You know some people get triggered by horror movies. But no one would ask for a censored version of a horror movie..that would just ruin the whole point of a horror movie.....so for their mental health they would just not watch horror movies all together.

Now Sander Sides is....nothing like a horror movie....Characters like Deceit, and Remus are anything BUT scary characters/people......because they dont kill people in the story and they are also fiction.

Key word......fiction.

Now if you dont see it that way and still get triggered by some of the Sander Sides characters or episodes, then maybe Sander Sides isnt a fandom for you.

If this fictional story is hindering your mental health in any way, then for the sake of your mental health, find another fandom, and return to Sander Sides when you have worked through some of these worries/triggers.

Asking for a censored version not only hurts the artist and ruins their intentions on the episode, but it also ruins the whole purpose of the episode all together, not to mention it wont help your mental health in any way, if you still watch a character that triggers you.

You might as well just ask for the first episode of Sander Sides. It has no Deceit, no Remus, and no Virgil because some people get triggered by "depression mentions" and idk about you but Virgil mentions a lot of self deprecating phrases within the entire series....

...so in short....if you feel like Sander Sides is triggering to the point where you require a censored version....please...for the sake of your mental health, find another fandom, until you have worked through these triggers.

And please dont drag Thomas into this, and dont drag other Sander Sides fanartists into this, and PLEASE dont drag fic writers into this.

Also:

Triggers are great for people who dont want to read smut, or look at a fanart of gore, but please dont get batshit angry at an artist because they forget to put a Deceit or a Remus trigger warning before the fic....

Because Deceit and Remus are a valid part of Sander Sides.

And they are

Fiction.

...that is all.

[chimcharstar]

Questions 1, 2, skip a few, 99 100! ANSWER THEM ALL!!!!!!

LETS DO THIS

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?5 SOMETHING

what is your body type?SLENDERMAN

what is your favorite part about your body?THE T

is your current hair color your natural hair color?YES

are you more outgoing or more shy?SHY

are you more femme or butch?ITS COMPLICATED, BUT, BUTCH

are you tol or smol?APPARENTLY IM TWINK. NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS ON THIS SCALE

wine mom or vodka aunt?NO

weird habit?I EAT BREAKFAST FOOD AT ANY HOUR

favorite meme?VIBE CHECK, IM SMUG ABOUT MY URL

do you sing in the shower?NO BUT I USED TO. JUST SHY ABOUT ROOMMATES. I DO IN MY CAR

ever used a bow and arrow?NO, BUT MY BROTHER DESIGNED AND BUILT ONE, GOT IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A WEAPON

are/were you a theatre kid?IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EGO, YES

have you ever seen a broadway musical?NO

do you think musicals are cheesy?NO I THINK THEYRE JUST A MEDIUM OF ART

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?NO WEIRDLY

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?IDK THEM

last movie you watched?PROBABLY MEGEAMIND

behind the camera or in front of it?BEHIND. BUT BOTH IS GOOD

favorite tv show?AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

meaning behind your urlTHE ACTUAL REASON IS IT REMINDS ME I CAN TRUST MY INTUITION

reason you joined tumblrA CRUSH WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK I SHOULD GET IT. DONT WRITE THAT IN PEOPLES YEARBOOKS

who’s your closest tumblr friend?THE PERSON ASKING ME 99 QUESTIONS

what’s something most people love that you hate?TACOS AT WORK. THEYRE POPULAR OF COURSE. I MAY NOT KNOW MY TACOS, BUT PLAIN RAW CABBAGE ON THEM MAKES ME DOUBT

have you ever taken narcotics?NO

have you had sex?NO

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?I DONT GET CAUGHT!!!! IM SO SNEAKY… AND TRAUMATIZED. I ONLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN PEOPLE WERE LIKE, HUNTING ME. NOT FAIR. ALSO HOW DO YOU “GET CAUGHT” FOR DOING NORMAL THINGS LIKE READING AND HAVING CLOTHES

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?PROBABLY THE REASSURING CHRISTIAN VALUES THINGS I TOLD MY PARENTS TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST BECAUSE FOR SOMEONE INCONVENIENTLY TRUTHFUL, THAT WAS SOME PRETTY HARDCORE LYING IN A RIDICULOUS SITUATION, AND THE WORST BECAUSE WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO DO. IT WAS HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS SO CONVINCING BECAUSE I MIXED IT WITH THE TRUTH I COULD SINCERELY EXPRESS

describe your passion without mentioning it.HEY GUYS IM WRITING CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT THIS TIME

describe your best friend.WARM STRONG RESILIENT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING KINDLY HONEST CREATIVE TALENTED BRAVE HARDWORKING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL NURTURING SELF CONFIDENT

give us one thing about you that no one knows.NO ONE KNOWS THE GRITTY DETAILS OF SOME SAD MOMENTS IN MY PAST. DID YOU KNOW I HATE THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL FOOD FROM WHEN I VISITED A FAMILY MEMBER IN A PSYCH WARD

how do you feel right now?GOOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED THOUGH

what is your biggest fear?BREAKING SELF HARM STREAK

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?SING A SONG EARTH WIND AND FIRE

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?LEAVING MY PARENTS. ITS TAKEN ME AGES TO UNLEARN SO MUCH SELF-DEFEATING STUFF

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?MOSTLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BUT IM CHILL

something you fantasize about.ACTUALLY DANCING TO MUSIC I LIKE. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DANCE BUT I WANT TO SFM

last time you cried and whyTHAT PREACHER GUY IN LUCIFER. IT SUCKED BUT IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY LUCIFERS ANGRY YELLING AT THE SKY. WHAT A GIANT MOOD

what was the last thing that made you laugh?MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT DILF MEANT

do you really, truly miss someone right now?NO. IF I MISS SOMEONE, ITS A SIGN THEY WERE A BAG OF DICKS TO ME AND MESSED UP MY INNER CLARITY

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?YOU

the last time you felt broken?WHEN MY TWO FRIENDS AT THE TIME GANGED UP ON ME AND ABANDONED ME AT A NOT PRETTY TIME IN MY LIFE. I COULDNT EAT WHICH AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH EATING, I NEVER USED TO

are you starting to realize anything?THAT IF I RELY ON MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, ILL EXPECT TO FAIL AND SABOTAGE MYSELF, AND INSTEAD I NEED TO TAKE RISKS AND PUT FAITH IN MY FUTURE.

are you more dominant or more submissive?THERES EVIDENCE FOR BOTH, BUT I THINK THE LATTER IS JUST FROM ABUSE AND GIRL RULES

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?AROUND MY AGE THERE IS SOME UNDERSTANDING

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.IM NOT IN LOVE I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH. I MAY HAVE A SQUISH

do you have any kinks?MAYBE SO

first thing you notice in a person?HOW THEY HANDLE STRESS AND PROBLEMS, IF THEY BLAME/GET ANGRY, OR IF THEY ARE COMPASSIONATE AND PATIENT. LOOKING FOR RED FLAGS

how can someone win your heart?FOOD. CHEESECAKE WAS A POWER MOVE. BONDING… OVER FOOD. I HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES ATTACHED TO BEVERAGES.

been rejected by a crush?YES

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YES

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?NO

is trust a big issue for you?YES

did you hang out with the person you like recently?NO

is confidence cute?YES, SELF LOVE LOOKS GOOD ON PEOPLE

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?GOOD FOR THEM. I DONT LIKE ANYONE RIGHT NOW

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?NO. GIGGLING LIKE A LUNATIC IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU NEED TO KEEP UP

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?IF THEYRE FEELINGS, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IM TRANSPARENT

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?IVE HAD MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED FOR MY FTM TRANSITION

do you want to get marriedYEAH WHEN IM FIFTY THEN ILL GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND CATS AND CHICKENS

worst thing you’ve ever done?APPARENTLY IVE BORROWED BOOKS AND NEVER RETURNED THEM

three things that turn you on.IM GOING THRU PUBERTY 2, TEENAGE BOY EDITION, IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH

who do you hate?I DONT LIKE SUCH SIMPLE CATEGORIES, BUT I START TO FEEL HATRED WITH REPEATED CRUELTY/WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO HEAR ME

favorite term of endearment?MY FRIEND

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?I DIDNT REALLY HAVE TVS/POP CULTURE GROWING UP LIKE MOST PEOPLE, PROBABLY FOUND IT IN CREATIVE WRITING

intimidating girls or kind girls?KIND

what do you look for in a possible partner?EQUALITY

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?YES

are you good at flirting?PERHAPS. WHEN IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT

who was the first person you came out to?I DONT ACTUALLY REMEMBER. A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. IT WAS A STRESSFUL COMPLICATED TIME, MY WORLD WAS UPSIDE DOWN, IT WAS GRADUAL

do you have any friends who are wlw?PROBABLY

is your crush wlw?IDK

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?A DOUCHE CANOE UNFORTUNATELY

write a short love poem to your crush/self?DEAR PERSON,THANK YOU FOR THE CHEESECAKEIT WAS SO GOODBUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FROM YOU

do you fall in love easily?NO. I WISH I DID. I COULD USE THE HIGH TO GET STUFF DONE

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?I HATE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED, SO I JUST DONT. I ALSO HATE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW. AM I GOING TO TRIGGER PEOPLE? AND IT IS SHROUDED IN SHAME AND FEAR.

are you good at hiding your feelings?YES, WHEN I CONSCIOUSLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO

are you a forgiving person?NO. I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FORGIVENESS, AND GREW UP FORGIVING ABUSIVE CYCLES, IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A CROW HOLDING GRUDGES FOR CENTURIES, AND I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER EITHER – I OFTEN FEEL BAD FOR NOT FORGIVING, EVEN IF ITS JUST FORGIVENESS FOR MY OWN SAKE. BUT ITS A NEW DEVELOPMENT THAT IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL ANGRY, BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT BEING WRONGED, WANT JUSTICE FOR MYSELF. AND MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDNT BE FORGIVEN.

what is your “type?”I DONT KNOW. I RECENTLY STARTED GROWING SOME SELF WORTH, AND I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE IVE SOUGHT OUT TO RELIVE MY PAIN COUNTS

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?LAST ONE

tall girls or short girls?BOTH IS GOOD

hugs or kisses?HUGS

twirl her around or get twirled?I WANNA TWIRL PEOPLE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?BOTH

hairline kisses or neck kisses?NECK

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?PLAYING WITH HAIR

making out or soft kisses?MAKING OUT

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?WAIST

how confident are you in your sexuality?I THINK PEOPLE WOULD ASSUME IM NOT. IM SHY, AND MY NERDY CHRISTIAN VIBE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. IM ALSO JUST BEGINNING TO LIVE AS MYSELF AND IM RELEARNING EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY KNOWING MYSELF IM CONFIDENT

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?NO. I WILL START CRANKING OUT ART AND FOCUS LESS THAN USUAL

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?YES

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?20ISH BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE LONG BEFORE

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?I GOT MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED REMEMBER

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?I DONT KNOW MANY BUT IM HAPPY FOR THE CANON MARCELINE AND BUBBLEGUM

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?MY SISTER PROJECTING ABOUT HER LIFE. WE HAVE CONSERVATIVE MISOGYNIST PARENTS BUT WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT DID NOT AFFECT US IN THE SAME WAY

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?I FEEL LIKE IM FORGETTING SOMETHING NICE A STRANGER SAID ONCE

what is love to you?NOT SOMETHING YOU DISPENSE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. ITS A WAY OF LIVING – IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, YOU LOVE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU LOVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND TAKE CARE OF IT. ITS NEITHER FAWNING NOR CONTROL – ITS ACCEPTANCE

ask me anything.YOU DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING SO IM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. IVE BEEN EATING POPCORN CHICKEN WITH HONEY

[liltouch-moved]

hai io ! hope you've been well <3 i just got home from my trip yesterday, for whatever reason i couldnt log in to tumblr while i was in moscow so i couldnt get back to u until now, im so sorry :-(

ah i love to travel too, though i have to admit im not a super touristy person ^^" i dont really like sightseeing that much, but i love to wander around and learn what the locals' day to day lives are like if that makes sense? like, if you took me to paris i'd prefer to just wander around and explore the city on my own, visit local shops, markets, parks,,, rather than go see the eiffel tower or something, that kind of thing ! what are some of your favorite places you've been to? and are there any places you would like to visit, something you'd like to go do or see someday,..? i love love love hiking in the mountains too so i really hope you get to go this summer <3

omg yea,,,,,, 17yo in the middle of my edgy rebel phase, suddenly developing an interest in these cotton candy sweet boys singing about puppy love ? VERY CONFUSING i guess that dissonance is why i was so hesitant to get into them the first time around. at the time i was like.. how ???? can i like cute stuff ???? im a cool punk kid ??????? wouldnt that make me a poser ????? 😳😳 when you're a teenager everything seems so much more complicated than it really is lol and then you grow up and realize, who cares !! i can like whatever i want even if its two polar opposite things !! character development 🌱

ahh clap era was so good i agree ! clap mv is still one of my faves and the album is SOLID ! my favorite era is hands down oh my though; ymmday was the perfect soundtrack for summer '18, idk what it was but there was something in the air that summer and it was magical <33 its not necessarily my favorite album (it was at the time but svt's released even better albums since hehe) but oh my remains one of my favorite title tracks, along w very nice and adore u ! what about you? ^^ oh and speaking of songs ! the assignment for this week is to create a playlist based on one of the provided themes right? i would love to listen to yours, if you want to make one of course <3 personally i really struggle w making playlists so in case you're like me, i'll let you choose the theme ^^ no pressure though, if you dont want to do it or it takes some time, thats totally fine ! 🌼

ohhh sure,, guessing my bias sounds really fun !~ <33 maybe i shouldnt have given u the vocal unit hint so soon tho fhfjfj ah well ^^" performance unit was originally my favorite unit too hehe theyre team dynamic is so cute and brotherly <33

by the way !! u mentioned going to uni?~what are you majoring in/did you major in, if u dont mind me asking? ^^

hope u had a nice, relaxing weekend and have a great week ahead <3

from: your carat anon 🦋

hello <3 don't worry about it, i'm also SO sorry for taking so long to get to your message!! i was traveling and only had my phone w me and in the past tumblr has messed up (or straight up deleted) asks i tried to answer on my phone so i didn’t wanna risk it ;-;

glad to know you arrived back safe and sound <3 i hope u had a good time in moscow and got to do all the things you wanted to do ✨ “i dont really like sightseeing that much, but i love to wander around and learn what the locals' day to day lives are like” oh i really love that! i’m exactly the same way <3 touristy areas are all so... fake. anyways. my favorite place i've been to is the italian countryside 🌼💖 and as for cities, vienna is my favorite so far. as for my dream destinations: singapore, sydney/melbourne, lisboa, yerevan and buenos aires! wbu, what are some of your favorite places you’ve been?

lmao it must have been such an identity crisis for your younger self to suddenly be interested in some kpop boyos doing fluffy concepts 😹 and so true!! it’s really not that deep, you can like whatever ~ i’m so glad you decided to give svt a chance... twice 💞 and not to sound like an annoying carat but honestly i feel bad for ppl who are into kpop but not into svt... like what are you doinggg you’re really missing out!!!

you're so right, something about oh my is really special ✨ i absolutely adore it too and totally believe that it’s one of their best eras <3 oooh what’s your favorite album nowadays, then?

my favorite titles are oh my, clap and fear! and my fav era would probably be debut era bc i have such fond memories of it... basically everyone on my dash/tl was really excited about svt finally debuting and bc i was still a kpop newbie, it was one of the first big things i've experienced <3 not to mention how fun adore u was ~~ (and how good 2015 was for kpop in general aaaaa take me back 😿)

ooh i must be completely out of the loop bc i didn’t even see anything about a playlist rip </3 i’m not good with playlists either, can i maybe recommend u some songs instead? please tell me what kind of genres, moods, languages u like (and what u don't like at all) and i'll make a small list of recs for you if you want to :> i want to know what music u like first so i don’t rec u something that u end up hating...

and don't worry about the bias thing, i really have no clue who it might be so far 🥺 give me another hint please 👉👈 tell me what you like about him most or what era you think was ‘his’, whatever u want ~

yesss i’m in uni ~ i'm majoring in translation studies. work is my main priority tho (girl’s gotta eat and pay for the roof over her head) so i'm taking it slow with uni. what are you majoring/did you major in? 🌼

hope u have a good day dear anon and once again my apologies for making you wait!! 💖

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 70

Seventy.

Life is going on. With ups and downs. Good days and bad days. Well life is mostly grey for me. 

As every day passes, i just realize more and more how much i love him. I really dont want to bluff about it but I just couldnt stop from typing it out because the realization blows my mind away. And one big reason is because I would never do what i did, or can do for him, and no one will ever mean anything even remotely close to how much he meant to me and will always mean to me. 

This might all just sound like a cheesy note any person in love would say but Oh God! trust me, this is what comes to my head after quite a good number of not-so-nice crap i have in my big fat head. So yeah! thats how i just know. This is not ever going away. And if I ever got a chance to re-live, i wouldn’t have wanted to fall in love with anyone else, orrrrrrrrrrr id just wish I was alone. That’s pretty cool tooo!! lol 

Speaking of which. Yeah. I pretty much do enjoy my own company. I just dont like communicating much with people. for a lot of reasons actually. Well, to begin with. I believe im a really complicated person. LIke, everyone has their own story and theres something twisty about everyone and bla bla but then I really do thing Im just not that easy to understand, and to top all that, I dont even like opening up to people so thats more of a reason to not get me. I am kind of aware of the fact that i seem to have a lot of ego and seem to be filled with pride and arrogance. But thats not true, thats just how some people see me, and i cant blame them because i think that is something i mask myself with. However, many people do find me really sweet and all but whatever side anyone sees, its always clear, im not really interested in getting too close with anyone and that i appreciate my own space. Sometimes, i do wonder if i really do enjoy being on my own or i actually want some good friends. But then the thing is, i have really really good friends back from high school. the only thing is, theyre not in the same country, theyre far away. but then again, even when we were all on ksa, we still mostly communicated on social media and stuff so it shouldnt matter much i guess. what im trying to say is. despite all the misunderstanding people might have with me, or people actually finding me sweet or whatever. or me not liking them much or wanting them to be my friends or whatever. the thing is, its not that i dont have anyone at all. because i do have people who know me. they dont know every little detail about me though, and thats because i dont talk much to them either. but they know me as a person. like i dont need to kiss their ass to get their attention, i can be myself with them.. i can be mean, and rude, or not keep in touch or act like im full of ego, like im so full of my shit and theyd still accept me. because they know that thats just how i am. im not sugarcoated. 

But.. it still doesnt matter

What im saying is. I prefer sitting alone on my own. doing literally nothing. no phone. no laptop. no means of communication with the outside world OVER actually chatting with anyone. or even someone who knows me so well and is close to me. 

Ok man, i talk a lot! So yeah that’s the thing! but when we were together, i wouldve done anything to not miss a chance to talk to him lol - thats just an easy way to put it out there, that he was different. 

And also putting it out there how my life is right now. I prefer my own company. I dooooo badly wish i had a ‘partner’ though - an ‘eating partner’!!!!!! haha! I really wish i could go to restaurants with someone to try food randomly. But then. idk. i mean its not that easy to find someone who has the same love for food and aso someone whos willing to spend money to try food or someone whod be able to hang out with me. especially i dont even have any good friends in ksa right now Ugh

Another really important reason i dont like talking to people much is the commitment. I hate commitment!!!!!!! And when i say commitment i dont even mean something serious like being in some relationship. i mean.. even the smallest commitment. like when you even knock someone and the person expects you to reply fast. Like okay give me a break! We dint exchange vows or something, yth do i need to reply fast. or whyd you even expect me to reply fast like idk. do people just pause their lives and just talk to other people? bleh Im not even ready for that so yeah! 

buttttttttt then again - with him. it was SO different. but like i said. it was only him!!!!

Something cool was the fact that i had a dream of him the other day. we never met each other f2f after our last conversation, so him in my dream was the first time we met f2f which wasnt actual anyways!!! But!!! I was so full of attitude. Like I could totally see my facial expressions and go like. “Oh God Youuu” to myself! Im usually full of attitude in front of other guys, if i ever am, which is kinda rare. just saying! 

So i read his post about him going to bd and stuff, and i wont even lie about how i totally never like that. but then this time its different obviously. In many ways though. One way to look at it is how i just remembered about the time when he was in bd last year! ~~~ And the award for the roughest of all times goes to!!!! 

Now comes the part were I actually give the reason why I dont blog much! Well tbh i want to blog all the time. But then!!!! Who am i kidding???? Its obviously cause I want him to read my post and blabla so yeah I dont! I mean. I really want to, but i dont. The same way. Forget blogging man. I mean. In this generation, with all these advancements and i say, no barrier at all. If we could decide like two mature adults to stop talking for nothing but good intentions then i sure as hell can keep myself from blogging about every little thing, and keep my shit together, and only blog when my mind and my heart says that i got it in my hands and im not going to screw up! 

and so that would mean that anything i post about, is just a very little, incomplete detail of the entire story and i almost always will sugarcoat it a million times and put it up here! 

but like i said - every thing just ends with me realizing how in love i am with him and as long as that is how it ends, i like it. 

So “losing weight” is like the --aim of my life-- right now. Just that its so boring oh maa gawd - and so i end up watching suits. which is soooooo niiiceeeeee omgg. And i actually love the couple there. Mike & Rachel! - oh and also its kinda funny to me idk why but whenever i see any couple onscreen that i like, my inner me kinda teases me going like “sarah, you loser!!!!!” and then i look down from the screen for a second or two like an actual loser would doo and then yeah i just “laugh it away” - like silently! ~ No hard feelings!

umm.so yeah i was saying. The main thing is losing weight and i want to lose one kg a week WHICH I AM NOT BY THE WAY. so i kind of get sad from time to time and all, and then idk get ok with it, and then sad again and alll that. and then battling myself against food is there. Today though i kind of figured out that if i watch suits while on the treadmill ill kinda stay distracted, and it wont be boring anymore and ill be able to go somewhere i guess. 

so theres around 9 weeks left for uni to open and i wish vacation never ended but yeah lets just face reality. And about my brother, 6 weeks left.   So that means I wna lose around 9 kgs before uni reopens but its smart to kind of plan a bit more than you actually want so that if you dont totally achieve your goal youll still land somewhere good. if you know what i mean. 

Now there is a lot i want to say. SO muchh. But I cant be fooling myself. It would obviously be for him only. So Ill just hold everything back in!!!!!! 

But one thing I want the world to know

Everyone has their own problems and their own imperfection and perfections and whatever. But ever since I had my eyes on him, i knew he was different. infact that is exactly why i liked him in the first place. I dont wna go in depth with this but ill just say it in the simplest way I can. 

When I was with him, yes, I did pray for a fairytale story. But not an actual one. because those dont exist. I had my own modified version of a fairytale ending. And in their, everything was not perfect. Everyone was not perfect. there was pain, there were people who didnt know what they were worth. All I ever wanted is to be the person to be ale to mend hearts, to help someone find their way out from the sufferings, to be a part of someone happiness. And even though we are not together right now. I wish the same. I just wanted it to be through me before. Now it doesnt necessarily need to be, cause it definitely will be coming from Allah both ways inshaAllah. 

I pray he gets to see what I see in him. And what people see in him. And most importantly, what he sees in himself but fails to value at times. 

P.S. My family is excluded from consideration in this post. when i talk about people, i mean everyone else except my family.  --ALSOOOOO-- I just randomly sat down at 5am and decided to blog today and so i sat with my laptops and this is all what flowed outta me! 

A totally random post! 

BUT i do wna mention how the tumblr app on my phone s.u.c.k.s. Cant give notifications properly *&^&%&^$%&%*^(0

Bye c: 

[harryisntstraight]

Ok, here's a distraction for ya: So I'm pretty sure I'm bi but I struggle a lot with like.. accepting it if that makes sense? I can imagine relationships (I've never been in one) with either gender but sex isn't something that I find particularly enticing (like, I'm hesitating between demi and ace but idk) + I'm the least romantic person there is so relationships are great to day dream about but my desire to catch feelings is 0 and I feel like that invalidates my "experience" a lot? /1

Also, since my daydreams w/ girls don’t involve a lot of kissing/ sex I sometimes catch myself thinking “ok, but this is a glorified friendship, baby what is u doing” and like??? I feel super shitty about that because I have a sneaky feeling that’s just some form of internalised homophobia on my part??? I know that lesbian relationships are 100% a thing but I feel like they’re for “actual gay girls” not sorry sods like myself who can’t get it together long enough to decide? Which brings me back to hesitating on wether or not I’m lgbt like- I don’t feel comfortable with “straight” cause I don’t think it… reflects all the complicated shit I feel and how I hesitate so much and go back and forth but ultimately… girls are wonderful and I love them so like??? Idk??? But also, what have I ever contributed to the community that I would justify being a part of it???? Do you see my dilemma? Do you have any thoughts? 

hiiiiiii omg i see your dilemma and i understand totally where youre coming from. first thing i would say is that you dont have to ‘justify’ being a part of the lgbt community, you shouldnt have to feel like you arent doing ‘enough’ or that you arent ‘lgbt enough’ if you think you experience same sex attraction in anyway then that’s literally all thats expected of u. and youre totally allowed to call yourself bi even if you arent 100% sure if you are or not. the whole point of labels is to help you define and understand yourself, so exploring different ones and seeing whether or not they feel comfortable is perfectly fine. and also, not having a label is fine as well. i think sometimes tumblr can be quite unhealthy in that respect because it sort of pressures everyone into defining every part of their sexuality and attraction when most of the time its just sort of unnecessary and ends up making things a hundred times more complicated and confusing. which brings me back to u, i think it kinda sounds like youre super introspective and are doing a lot of soul searching which is good!! but can sometimes mean ur overthinking everything and second guessing yourself and your sexuality. i think i say this a lot but i do sorta really believe it, just take things as they come and dont try to police yourself into feeling one way or another. i know labelling exactly what you are and what you feel can be comforting, but if you dont have a label that fits perfectly what you are, its okay to just….stop looking for one yknow? i think its also rly good that u can acknowledge that maybe some of ur issues are bc of internalised homophobia, bc once you realise thats a thing it gets soo much easier to combat it. and not to sound annoying and cliche but a lot of the time it is just about finding ‘the right person’ (barf) i know for me, i was kind of like you in that i couldn’t really imagine myself being in a relationship w a girl bc i’m also not very Romantic™ and i was dealing w heteronormativity and the whole ‘i mean i’d have sex w a girl but probs wouldnt date one!!!’ shit. but then yeah i met a girl and had a huge moment of realisation where i was like Um I Want To Date Her Holy Shit. and now dating girls is something i know that i would be 100% comfortable with. so i guess it just comes with time and experience. i am rambling so much i’m sorry i dont know if this was at all helpful sfhsdkfhdskfhsdfjsh i hope it was a lil bit though