#idk. maybe itll grow on me but i have my doubts

[technicolorxsn]

hm. mixed feelings

[macklives]

homestuck recap

i hated this so fucking much bc my 2 am bitch-ass didnt want to read a recap thats probably longer than any slowburn out there

anyways here it is

also, uhhH sorry im using this as a end of session discussion bc that shit gets explained in her as well. and im not writing up more recaps of a recap so this is where im done for the day. (by done for the day i mean last nights session, im still doing a liveblog soon. i just wrote this yesterday)

also that this is long

you dont have to read it, theres nothing of importance

ive been coping with humor to get me through it

neato.

have fun with what i suffered through:

why was “beta” the only thing unhighlighted?

like did i miss a page???

OH its the beta version of HS thats why

damn its like 5 pages and thats it

mmh

well youll all be happy to know im clicking every single one of these links again bc i like looking back like ahh i remember that. good times. also in case i forgot some shit existed.

do you think andrew had fun writing this? or was he like “fuck”

thats a lot of fucking package talk. good thing im not confused as of now and remember it pretty clearly. of else, this early on in the recap, id be screwed.

god remember when i did an analysis on each item and what it did

i feel as if i have the technology engrained inside my head right now

cruxite, alchemeter, all that jazz

flashbacks are starting up already

yeah, that was the good part in homestuck where i knew 100% that i probably would continue on this liveblog in its entirety, ngl

that one explosion scene. bc it kept me going.

OH W A IT SHIT

i just realized how the intermission spades probably fucking foreshadowed the whole jack revolts thing and gains the ring, which was also technically JOHNS fault considering he slashed up the doll in the first place

my god, i guess thats the only good aspect of the recap. looking back at things and realizing the missing pieces.

oh that makes sense for the whole “this prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the medium” i didnt actually think about that

little did rose know where that would get her right now

oh yeah

there’s still the whole entire lab terminal thing and how mom basically knows the place exists. i guess we’re still venturing onto that and itll come up later when we find out how mom knows SO MUCH about the game.

still think shes some weird spy or secret agent

i kinda love her ngl

anyways, theres literally no reason for skaia to produce a cloning machine. so technically, they only sent the meteors in, right? so who put the cloning machine in if not mom?

oh yeah that impact was nerve wrecking asf

and still at this point in the comic i called dave fuckboy red

huh, how times change

i hated reading that whole paragraph ngl, the frustration just kicked me in the boobs again

yeah nobody else got tornadoes, huh?

OH that makes also much more sense

bc she did prototyped them before she entered the medium.

i gotcha

man one of my favorite edits i made, rose hitting that meteor with a bat

are you

telling me

the exiles structures they arrived on were in the form of the items the kids used to enter the medium?

THE EGG

THAT EXPLAINS “EGG”

of course it was 413 years ago. that was never explained. simply vague “many years in the future....” but i expected no less from this

man serenity is the most wholesome character in hs no doubt

damn thought andy here was really gonna spoil us jade’s planet

okay cool, im glad i now have the layout to the whole “their stations went to the coordinates of the home button” shindig

man i honestly dont know what else to say besides “yeah cool recap” when i already pretty much know what went down? ofc im looking into each link and shit and adding in things when i see fit, but otherwise its just me going “ah good times” yknow

the whole meteor thing kinda makes sense now?

we’re still missing a few pieces of info but we’re getting there, folks

oh yeah that reveal

god jade and dave have it in the shits for parents huh

bro isnt the best and jade has a fucking dog

who lowkey

is doing better than bro

who knew a fucking dog is a better guardian than bro lmfao

dreambot = terminator. im telling you.

sorry im still on that idea and it will never leave unless i have the actual proof in front of me that its not going to become a thing. meaning, ive finished hs and theres still no terminator dreambot or either andrew himself gives me a canon letter with “the robot is not arnold, mackenzie, pls just let it be”

why is the entire game session highlighted

i swear to god if this is like to a second recap or smth of the whole game session i may fucking CRY

okay thank god its just a design of the skaia layout

which is honestly cool

idk why its blurry tho but i can at least see the layout now. which is honestly how i pictured it anyways.

yeah, john did make a huge impact in his friends’ life and i find that so fucking touching

yep. got that. everything loops around. cool.

especially when the trolls come in. god we havent even gotten to that recap portion yet, we havent even gotten to the INTERMISSION

pls can this be the halfway point to the recap

AT LEAST

so they were exiled after the whole jack: ascend thing, right? considering theyre way in the future. man no fucking wonder.

speaking of jack

man that whole dad and jack interaction was gold, ngl

OH THAT EXPLAINS THE RING THEN

and wow, andrew’s really giving us the best female content huh. andrew is the true god of equality and diversity.

also hey, i didnt realize that wow. so PM tricked the queen in showing the parking ticket to be able to take the present from jack. she’s a smart cookie, that one..

she and PM basically snitched on jack and it was the best thing that has happened to me so far

oh yeah okay

but why did AR panic over bec? bc thats something we havent learned yet, right?

anyways

exile town, the only town which should exist. facts. i dont make the rules.

noice

i love PM being queen. like.. thats canon now. shes an actual queen.

yeah that was a fun game and the consorts were cute

fuck yeah the dick head

hate them even more now that i know john was killed because of them

anyways, i wonder what dick move dave’s denizen did? maybe thats why its filled with lava bc the denizen was like “fuck it. make the land red. kill them all”

UH WHAT

WHAT

OH MY GOD HOW DID I JUST FORGET NANNAS LETTER LIKE THAT LMFAO

THEIR TITLES WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME!

so i still dont know what they mean but i can gather it has something to do with the game giving them abilities. considering dave is the “knight of time” and he can go back in time. whack.

which means john can either control someones breathing or simply wind. and rose is... like that one girl in the winx club who does the sun shit. bc whenever i think of light powers, i think of stella.

and jade is space. witch of space.

nice

i have no idea what that means ngl

okay finally

we’re at the trolls

maybe this recap will end soon

i remember when i thought they were internet bullies

yesss

someone asked if i basically knew the trolls were on a different veil than the kids, so not presently with them, and i know lol. i was making a joke before btw. jsyk. dont think im incompetent to forget these things when sometimes i choose to forget it so i can add in a joke

it be like that, i annoy many

then again, pls dont assume im trying to say im not incompetent bc im also a fucking dumbass and DO forget shit and i have no excuse

imagine being so bored on the meteor, your last resort is speaking to aliens

ngl me if i was ever trapped on a meteor and could potentially do that

nah ik its bc its their only hope at helping with their session or whatever tf CG said to john. but there was BOUND to be a conference meeting between them like “okay guys. humans. that needs to be sorted out” and you just hear CG screaming in the background

i cant wait to meet them honestly bc im growing on all 4 of the ones we’ve seen already. and on top of that, i know what they look like and i know theyre not THAT bad, just a little on the crayy zee side sometimes

but theyre trying

OH MY GOD

I GET IT

FUCK

DOES THAT MEAN THE INTERMISSION IS *APART* OF THE MAIN FUCKING STORY??

AND SPADES IS WV FOR THE TROLLS

GOD D A M N

wow

i didnt expect that. but maybe the signs were there and i was just willingly choosing to ignore it or smth bc “haha couldnt be, right”

flashbacks to how i thought the trolls were humans

anyways, i guess he got his revenge on the kids version of “snowman” ie the black queen. but really

he did not have to do that. he could have cut off the finger and fled. but he decided “nah, lets implode her” so the loml is dead and all i got was a catchy song

i knew they were different types of “bullies” but now i just have to replace bullies with uhh

trolling strategies

anyways, this is cute. i love how they’ve come to be friends through mutual frustration. good part in the comic.

i wonder why it explodes

more importantly

....

terminator time?

this was my favourite sequences of dialogues in the whole entirety of homestuck. that is to say the back and forth thing that the kids went through to become a sort of wingman for the other.

absolutely gold.

all except AT’s rap.

GC was the only smart one with the linear shit

anyways fuck he still has to kill the denizen now but apparently its hard to beat for a sleeping dick head so

that will be fun for the future

john will probably need to kill A LOT of imps to get there

yeah rose is a badass bc she slayed that thing with needles of all things

OH and the white queen was the cursive

damn did AR ever do the whole guide process to a kid yet? maybe he will with dave, idk

oHHH

i fucking SEE

thats why he said DNA

to use it and replace all the life forms in the ocean

fucking neat wow

man that sounded sarcastic but im genuinely impressed bc all i got was bullshit as i read jaspersprites log

so thats the secret. it was “meow” bc that somehow translates to the genetic code she needs then. and that code apparently took fucking years to write as well. sick. whack. oh man.

derse is very pretty, ngl

and wow shit

“dave had already been awake in his tower all along without realizing it” how tf does someone just

do that, awake in both places at once

i didnt even fucking realize that fact as i read that pesterlog wow

ah yes, around the time things got confusing

okay so the capsule makes sense bc at first i didnt know it was a fucking time capsule so i got confused as to how it just apparated the game lmfao

the more you know i guess *twinkle*

i find that a neat concept tho

like the whole whatever you prototype affects the imps and shit

yeah so that whole “he had no advice” basically impacted his future

no shit dave wanted to reset things bc he probably thought he caused some sort of bad butterfly effect and killed his best friend

fuck calsprite thats all im gonna say

i read that first sentence and i think i got an aneurysm

and then everything else just made me sad again

i mean good thing he fucking did amirite?

we got pain at first but now we got cool shit like idk

fucking DAVESPRITE

damn idk how that works

will rose have like two minds now? or will this be some steven universe fusion shit?

“and understood their meaning” course well i fucking didnt so could you pls elaborate, rose?

okay but then what the fuck did he use that was inside the fucking box

bc i thought he used his knife?

im only every going to refer him as that now, thank you andrew

alright okay..

god that was a lot

i dont know what will happen once i click on those links but i am going to see that for myself bc i refuse to add ANYTHING ELSE

[teddy-feathers]

look my problem with the au megamind where Roxanne is the alien and megamind is the reporter is i cant stop thinking about what i want out of that and how its probably not what other people want out of that which should mean 'oh shit i gotta write it' but really means 'in the next couple of months im going to rewatch megamind and be extremely frustrated because idk how to write these people as is let alone in an au'

but here are some thoughts

Itd have to take place on megaminds home world so like. have to develop that culture and frame it as the usual and other things as oddities

metroman still shows up at the same time the baby human does

roxan richie and metromans rivalry is less of a game and more of a metroman one up'd her ome to many times so now shes gotta take him out

its fine not because shes incompetent- in fact her death rays and pointy sticks are ingenious and have 0% public property or civilian causalities - but because metroman is not only impossible to kill, he adapts to anything that gets close (anything that doesnt kill him makes him stronger literally)

i guess this means theres a good chunk of the story that is centered around human adaptability vs perfect hero dudes adaptability

Roxanne Ritchie is actually a noted scientist or something at the local research facility - i figure blue people planet is really advanced and everyones at least a little technosmart but while it doesnt come as easily or naturally to Roxanne her way of thinking is really unique n shiz and shes an asset to every team....

but if you see her in a mask with some project from the lab macguivered into a gun trying to kill metroman well, no ones getting hurt and humans need hobbies and everyone respects the mask desptie the fact shes the ONLY human on the planet so its not like its hard to figure out who she is

she does spend a lot of nights having to rebuild projects and apologizing and such but basically everyone plays the plausible deniability card and asks her questions abiut what went wrong and okay so the masked menace failed after you let them steal our project but lets pretend for a moment the goal was to fix crops how would you say this did? and grumply shed revamp the guns weird side effect into an alien pollinating crop duster or whatever

got carried away when REALLY all I WANTED to say was

Whille Roxanne Ritchie is adaptable ingenuity and gets away at the last minute NOT because no ones trying to catch her but shes just that CLEVER and thinks ahead and shiz....

Megamind is the guy trying to interview her in the middle of a fight like he thinks he's cute - i mean he is but shes chasing after metroman and skids to a stop because this jerk stepped in for a comment. or shes lining up the perfect shot but theres a close up of megaminds reporter bag in the way

the thing is that maybe... blue people arent violent. a natural disaster hit recently and theyre coming back from it and if the two adopted alien kids want to play extreme tag well no ones getting hurt and Roxanne Ritchie will grow out of her competitiveness no doubt caused by just how superior EVERYONE on the planet is by finding her own niche and metroman will grow up and stop bating her because maybe he IS still better than everyone else and thats met with "oh very nice we're proud" but it doesnt really validate him or make him feel special because its just treated as a special thing he can do by everyong but Roxanne Ritchie and once he's found something that makes him feel good regardless of the attention or lack of it he'll stop playing too

but megamind? megamind has an imagination that loves drama and blowing things out of proportion and thats part of why his reports are so popular? like yeah everyones treating this super hero showdown with indulgence but megamind is good at framing theatrics so that this news story is actually a compelling narrative? and also everyone can see the tension is going to have one of these three "kids" confessing live someday

and maybe he gets carried away. one of those 'aw well next time you could do x or y' or has some technological creation that accidentally actually makes Metroman flinch during an interview

and Roxanne Ritchie starts paying attentionto him for the first time.

and minion warns him but he doesnt listen. minion is lower class and is afraid of being replaced like a pet like some people do but Roxanne Ritchie Ritchie doesnt have a minion and even if she did theyre Best Friends not like those other blue people minion uperclass people.

and he carelessly says something unforgivable and Roxanne Richie uses his ideas and actually succeeds in killing metroman

so she goes to prison - a place they had to build just for her because this hasnt happened since stars knows when

and somebody else is doing the camera because minion left just is gone and megamind looks defeated but testifies against her and is quiet and subdued and stpps being a reporter for a bit

and.... idk. i feel like we'll have to resolve the whole class system so minon goes underground and finds other minons who are unhappy with the way of things and if theyre ALREADY rebuilding society after that huge natural disaster that DIDNT blow up their planet thanks TO a minion well ehy cant they fix this too?

so theres a rebellion going on and theyve got a secret weapon to make blue people listen and idk but i feel like it's Metroman

and... how do stories like this go ive forgotten

minion wouldnt tell megamind or he would

metroman would break Roxanne Ritchie out of prison during the first riot of the minion revolt?

they talk and compare why they hated eachother and slowly work together and are actually a great team?

and then they need a reporter to make themselves heard as something other than minions going crazy

and so of course they go to megamind for help getting the story out

something something megamind is minions sidekick for this adventure

"Roxanne Ritchie was raised by the planet and turned against it and instigated civil unrest and killed a person who was also the good child etc etc instead of just growing up to face your problems"

"actually im alive and i finally found my place? helping out the real heros?"

"i mean i did try to kill him, but he forgave me and we're kinda working together because planet of moms and dads that raised us? yall actually are the ones who need to grow up and let go of the traditions that dont serve etc etc"

and megamind does a huge public apology to minion

and... uhhhhhhhhh fuck i really dont know how these storyies go

the blue people start making amends

metroman basically becomes a social worker for minion childern because finding their original families is a bit hard and most of these kids are just going to end up being raised by super dad but at least the rebellion minion families are actually geting to be their own family units and in a couple gens thatll be normal

Roxanne Ritchie goes back to being the token human in the lab and hangs up her super suit and is generally dissatisfied with this

until one night a hero breaks into her apartment to make her answer for her crimes and so for a legit hot second theyre fighting and megamind says something and Roxanne apologizes and then fighting stops being an argument and goes into banter flirting

the worss "where theres evil good will rise up to fight it" peob comes up a lot in this fic in different iterations

anyways megamind isnjust basically like hey wanna do this like. for the rest of our lives dramatic battle showdowns like its entertainment but like no theyre doing this for real?

the answer is hell yeah

and its a polyship and sometimes Roxanne is helping with the kids and then Megamind bursts in to "save" the family from her evil clutches and 90% of the time everything is improve

megamind kidnaps Roxanne to make metromind save her and a good half of the conversation is that hes an idiot for coming shes tried to kill him three times this week and hes bitching because do you know how hard it is to find a sitter for 30 odd minion kids this short notice and they better make it up to him

Roxanne is not superdad but the 30 odd minion kids adore when she comes over because they mob the villain so hard until finally mega comes to save her because hes actually very good with the kids

of course this poly ship isnt complete without minion and at some point minion and mega realize theyve actually been married for years and Roxanne and metro tease them shamelessly for it

minion and his race need a real name obviously

when Roxanne was a... graduate her senior project theses thingy was essentially "im going to go back to planet earth itll be great ive figured out were im from and how to go there in a reasonable amout of time" and everyone had to sit her down and explain that unlike metroman they knew where she was from the planet was just destroyed.

they never figured out where metroman was from because his direction sharply changed to follow baby Roxannes course and mirrored her coding despite very obviously how he had originated from elsewhere

this is important because his race is basically coming to conquer the blue people planet soon - the group finds out - and will download all the survival upgrades metroman has gotten to become unkillable and then just come down to the surface and be unstoppable taking the place over and whiping out the planet like theyve done many many times

a good chunk of the time trying to figure out how to stop them when this planet is REALLY against murder war and violence for good reason and even if they WOULD do that its impossible over looks some alone time that leads to megamind and metroman figuring out how to like kill him so when the bad guys show up theyll go "whelp better not fuck with them" and leave but between roxanne and minion they manage to not only stabilize metroman (Roxanne blood transfusions maybe???) but they manage to scare the aliens so bad they tuck tail and leave speading rumors that these are the scariest mfs in space (go minion)

metroman never lets Roxanne live down saving his life

eventually space humans show up to check the place out

megamind loves everything human despite most of the planet thinking theyre primitive and showing it

roxanne is reluctant to meet them at first but then really relates to them?

for a good long while it REALLY seems like megamind and Roxanne are just going to go on space adventures with the humans leaving metroman and minion - who really doesnt like them and also they kinda rub him the wrong way because he's non bipedal and they kinda make fun of him in a 'we totally dont mean anything by it lighten up' sort of way.

they don't go of course but they may have stolen a lot of atar charts n shit and who hasnt wanted to take a road trip through space with 30 odd childern who will need names and personalities and may be chopped down to a slightly more reasonable number by this point?

metroman loves space karaoke and his natural abilites mean he learns languages fast but no he still cant carry a tune

megamind and Roxanne still duke it out on various alien cityscapes

minion usually breaks them out of jail if theyre not to be let out the next day because nothing was actually damaged that didnt belong to them.

one memorable occasion it was metoman in a fight with megamind and they wont say what its about but both look very put out and minion looks smug

it doesn't matter in the end because Roxanne teams up with the childern to propose to them first

apparantly i had a lot more ideas about this then i meant to? i mean its not well thoughout out and despite the drama a good half the fic is just going to be cute relationship building stuff between the four of them

[ftmharrypotter]

so ive got a few ideas about what to toss into this fic, cannibalizing some ideas from an old fic idea of mine.

warning possible spoilers ahead - the again maybe not maybe thisll grow into its own thing.

sorting

Ron is in hufflepuff. i could and have written essays justifying this decision but like it sucks and im not going to anymore ron WILL have something to say about why he's in hufflepuff though and it will be short and sweet and to the point and okay fine i WILL say that Ron is exceedingly loyal... to those he perceives as loyal to HIM. every time he acted out it was because of a betrayl in his eyes and he always came around. like that was the POINT of his character

Hermione is in ravenclaw. im not saying she isnt brave just that i think that self determination played a large roll in putting her in Gryffindor

Neville is in Gryffindor. he deserves it okay

harry is in slytherin. MOSTLY because i want to explore ambition not being evil and i want to give harry ambition because he deserves it

the hogwarts houses being united for once like damn

Plot points

okay this sections a little vauge but

i think i want draco to show an interest in harry later on but its not an end game ship just a showing that draco sees harry as a girl as another way hes pigheaded. not that i dont like draco in leather pants as a trope just thats not what i want to do right now. may may a spin off where drarry is the point though because im a sucker

i think i want harry to honestly look at transition options and then decide theyre not for him. or some are but some aren't. medically transitioning is not mandatory okay?

i MIGHT put harry on the ace spectrum but then again i might not. i THINK i might make him demi if i do specifically so some things make more sense.

i THINK i want to keep ginny/harry end game for this run through specifically because i dont think being trans SHOULD change anything really about the story but of course it will because otherwise it wouldnt be interesting and theres other things i want to explore

Possibly voldemort getting his body back through shenanigans and then teaching at the school

snape walking the fine line between giving a damn about lillys child and being an absolute son of a bitch. idk that i can pull that one off tbh

IF voldypoo does teach at the school itll be because of a scene im 1000% sure everyone will hate but i feel is... not necessary but like. idk. would happen. id probably make a spin off of that ship too because once again im a sucker. ill read almost anything so why wouldnt i write it?

morell be added as i think of it but feedback would be nice. i know im not going to get it but still.

Notes on gender

im trans. this story doesnt reflect my experience 1000% but it does borrow from my experience. it may not be accurate to your experience BUT i have seen a few fics where the transition is covered differently. from magically easy to just as much of a struggle as it is in the muggle world. i HAVENT as of yet seen anything like what i plan to write

which includes doubt/ imposter syndrome. which includes not fully transitioning. dysphoria that comes and goes based on circumstances rather than constant - so perhaps more largely social than physical. which includes self misgendering and self push back.

On race and racism

jkr is not only a terf but theres been a lot of complaints about her works being racist. i cant speak on that much though i do see the very valid concerns raised and will try to mitigate what i can as best i can. if i could do better somewhere or i make a mistake feel free to tell me

i LOVE the head cannon that Harry is half Indian. but people put a lot of thought and work into their baby names and i could not in good conscience just pick a random indian name to use. im still going to say Harry is half Indian but he wasn't raised that way because drusleys so when i get around to describing him he wont look like daniel radcliff

i LOVE the head cannon that Hermione is black. im keeping it.

on cannon

cannon is more of a guideline than an actual rule.

i read and re read the books growing up avidly but its been years since i read them fully and ive read a LOT of fanfiction in the past. i may get things wrong. feel free to point it out but i cant guarantee ill fix it.

this has gotten long so ill kill it here for now

[thrufiyah]

Midnight Sept 28 2021 12:30am

Midnight thoughts

Finally got babygirl to go to sleep hopefully she’ll stay asleep. Homeboy over here dont even know I got up or that I’m sitting up typing rn ha smh. Anyway... honestly... lately been feeling lonely but with support if that makes sense...

Lots of paperwork here to fill out reg benefits, insurance, etc but it’s working out gradually. might be able to get a cabin soon for my own lil fam so we’ll see how that works out and we plan to move next year so we’ll see how that works out too... 

kinda leaning towards going our own way bc its a lotta hands involved and the left doesn’t always know what the right is doing or diff views on everything kinda confusing rn but itll work out

def an adjustment period. but just kinda feel lonely bc not rly anyone to talk to about honest thoughts? honestly? sometimes doubting... but excited in planning? now that were officially getting our own room to fill up w our own stuff is kinda sorta cool but not sure how it will go when the weather is bad

just gonna just keep typing as i go until i get rudely interrupted. lol

kinda bummed that i won’t be able to do this once lo arrives bc thatll be two bebes to constantly watch and never have time for myself

i always told myself not to have kids until i was financially stable and i broke the one promise to myself...... the one thing i didn’t want for my life..... but GOD you make a way when there’s no way

what else... worried about bebe growing if she’s ok normal all parts eating enough growing enough just idk.. always gonna be wondering... 

ill even be wondering when both kids grow up and things will come up like disabilities along the way and that scares me. not in the fact that i can’t handle it but how their life will be as they grow up

just hoping they have everything that they need and grow up happy and feel loved all the time and able to express themselves....

my patience does run thin these days but maybe its my hormones? but again maybe not lol haha

wow everytime i come back here i feel different and im always at a different stage in my life. 

missing my family in the way of how they remind me of who i am and where i came from they say ive grown up and that im independent but idk how much of that is really true

what else... dont rly talk to anyone much either... if anything it’s hb’s mom and then hb and even that isn’t much

daylight savings time is diff - sun didn’t go down until 7pm-8pm and it felt different. finally found my favorite grocery store that gives me a little piece of home and got to see a new side of town with the shops near the mall.. that was exciting lol

it’s really such a trip how much of a stop life is at the moment rn but i guess its a way to tell me we got to slow down hashtag cashaley haha

teddyswims and allenstone were dope on that yt video though lol

i oughta listen to more music to mellow out! haha. DEF need my own headphones or earpods... which HB didn’t give away my freakin mpower flames... lol. but headphones be hurting my ears but also i be needing them sometimes to chill or watch a movie

idk what the future holds but im holding on jesus lol im holding on....

hmm what else. lately ive been WAY TOO addicted to chocolate... and hmm what else... i need a journal just for notes like shopping lists, to do lists... etc.

glad im back in the tumblr and pinterest world lol. but pinterest to me seem like fleeting dreams and a whole lotta money mama does NOT have haha

hoping my work visa comes in soon so that i can apply for the residency one in december as soon as baby is born lol. 

i can’t believe i dont remember if i bled a lot or not after giving birth last year... but last year was such a year of turmoil trials and tribulations... so to me i get it.. but yeah anyway

it’s weird... i feelike im here and not here.. maybe bc of lockdown and now in level 3 but a lot of empty dreams happening! but goals are def being met and worked on and completed so i can’t complain about that

i get worried everyday if bebe in there is still kicking so many horrifying and sad stories around the world its just no way to protect your kids idek

as far as self care... i was kind of doing it but at least im cleaning more and helping around the house more? i just hope im not slacking where it’s most important

what else.... hm.... what else is on my mind tonight. body be SORE LIKE A MF. from having to be a 25/8 366 day arm pillow, having huge ass legs to lay on my side, damn i miss my side lmao, to having to share a freakin blanket lmao.

idk just a lot going on and not rly any outlet to do. this mf still aint notice im sitting here lol anyway

what else is on my mind.... for some reason i really wanna find more haircare stuff lol. i need pa’us lol and rubberbands, scrunchies, bins, what else... idek but i need it alll please and thank you lol

babygirl is kod rn so cute but baby just dont move sleep peacefully by yourself for now haha

anyway we’ll find out this week if we’re gonna move to the next chapter and hopefully nana approves of our new plan idek

what else... i swear i clean up and two seconds later its a mess again in here

trying not to be too paranoid about stuff in here but it gets to me when they all start to puss ugh yuck fkn gross man but well get by maybe the nzbugs aint used to american fat skin haha

fitness is something im def looking forward to out here... kinda need to go for walks more often whether its just down the street or the small park nearby which here is called the bush lol

dont even get me startttttted on vocabulary... lets see what ive learned so far here...

bush / wop wops - foresty tree area, gumboots - rainboots, jumper - jacket or longsleeve? dairy/superette - small convenience store not connected to a gas station, what else... rubbish - trash... idek cant think of anything else... oh chocolate is specifically chocolate and lollies are gummies and others i guess... newspaper rolling for all food leftover or compost i guess... idk thats all i can think of for now

what else..... that was GROSS bruh. haha tay said don’t lose your venacular... lol. maybe if i keep listening to throwbacks that remind me of home...

ok i feel better i guess now that i wrote down some thoughts gonna try to put these clothes away and then get some rest for tomorrow

kbye!

[willpowers]

hey so like for my eng class i wrote shit word vomit about being trans so if anyone wants to give it a read i think i did a good job maybe itll be fun to read idk

“Congratulations, Kaylee! You’re going to be a big sister!” My Mamaw told me, as I sat nervously, waiting for the drive over to the hospital to see my dad and Laura, my stepmom. My tiny tongue fiddled with the gaps in my teeth, and the word “sister” echoed in my mind. It didn’t fit. Everyone around me said that it would be weird getting used to being a sister but I guess I just needed more time to adjust.

"What if... I'm not a big sister?" I asked quietly, gazing upon the multiple antique crosses that littered the walls. The small eyes of the crucified Christs piercing down on me, almost giving me a pitiful gaze. My Mamaw chuckled softly.

"It's ok, you were an only child for seven years, you're just nervous. But every life is God's gift to us. Just you wait, once you hold his hand you'll never stop loving him." She told me, as certain as she could be. I wasn't so sure that was the problem. I begged for younger siblings, so that didn't feel like where my anxiety was coming from. I looked back to the solemn look of Jesus up on the wall, but he was just a statue, and I just a seven-year-old girl.

Later in the night, I was rushed in to meet him. "Vincent," I said softly, looking at him, his eyes still closed, his small hands still clenched. "Hello... I'm your big sister." I told him, tears welling in my eyes. My crisis had faded, and I knew from that day on I would love him until the day I died.

---

It had been a day and a half without a wink of sleep, my mind going on endless feedback loops of static and incomprehensible gender craziness. I sat in front of my therapist, a nonbinary person who no doubt would understand me.

“I just wish I was a boy sometimes.” I finished my word vomit with, my unwashed hair clutched in the white knuckles of my hands. "Everything would be easier. I wouldn't have to like... Lie. You know? I could just... Be a boy. It'd be so easy. God. I'm just... I'm trans, aren't I?"

"You look like you figured that out yourself, didn't you?" They told me, chuckling softly. I groaned. I didn't need this now, I had honestly just wanted to vent and go about my day, but here I was, my worst fear open for the world to see. For the last twenty years, I had been playing make-believe, playing the princess up in my ivory tower, ignoring the horse at the bottom waiting for the prince needed to go save the kingdom. The princess had it easy. Smile, brush her hair, wait to be rescued. It was finally time to stop pretending. There was no prince. There was only me. A prince in a dress, lying to everyone to maintain the illusion of normalcy, to convince everyone that I was something I wasn't, to make everyone happy.

After that appointment, one thing was for certain, I knew that whatever road I took from now on would be mine and mine alone.

---

It was a hot day, one that bore the need of my loosest of white t-shirts. A men's 3XL on my 11-year-old frame. With the right belt, it could have made a medieval tunic. However, paired with my equally large orange basketball shorts and shaggy short blonde hair, I just looked frumpy, my body was hidden from the world.

Just how I liked it.

Besides, I was just going to the drug store with my mom. Picking up some prescriptions, maybe getting some toiletries. I had picked out a new deodorant for the week. Some kind of teen spirit scent or something. As long as it covered up the smell of being pubescent I don't care if it would have made me smell like a hot dog. That would have been a good idea. Why didn't they make hot dog scented deodorant instead of 'ocean breeze' or that kind of stuff?

"Here you go sir, have a nice day!" The cashier said, handing me the bag.

"Thank you-" I started, before my eyes went wide. My mother laughed a bit and pulled me out of the store, stunned and my previously ridiculous thoughts about hot dogs stopped by the words of the cashier who I would wind up remembering for the rest of my life.

"Oh Kaylee, that was funny. We need to put you in some better clothes, let's go get you some makeup, I think you're old enough for some!" My mom chuckled, leading me to the car, where I sat down and just kinda nodded, looking at my lap.

'Sir?'

---

"Ow! Ow ow!"

"Oh shut up Lev, that was just the cleaning cloth!" Haley, my best friend, and roommate snapped, while I laid face down on the bed. I had just gotten my prescription filled for my first vial of testosterone. I had all my needles, the alcohol wipes, the sharps container, I had it all. All I needed... Was the shot.

Once that .05 mg of liquid was in my muscular system, there was no turning back. I'd be officially transitioning. Within days even, my voice would lower, my menstruation would stop, and I would even grow a beard! Well, maybe not a beard like, immediately, but it will come eventually!

"Okay okay... I'm ready." I said, taking a deep breath. Needles never scared me before, but due to the thickness of the fluid, it had to be a big needle. Haley cocked an eyebrow at me, but proceeded to poke it in, and give me the shot. I yelped. The people online were right, it WAS way different from a flu shot.

"You feel manly yet?" She asked, sitting next to me on the bed. I chuckled and nodded.

"Of course, feeling the chest hair coming in as we speak. Voice deeper each minute." I flexed a bit.

"Sick, bro." Haley laughed. "Let's go get Chipotle."

---

We were driving down the old Dayton road, and I watched out the window.

"You know, The Pine Club over there is where we picked out your name." My mom said, smiling as she drove.

"Yeah, you told me it was because of your middle names, right?" I replied, turning my attention to her.

"Bingo, we couldn't agree on a girl name, so while we were at dinner, we got a brilliant idea. My middle name is Kay, and your dad's middle name is Lee. So we put them together! Thought we made a whole new name."

That part always got a laugh out of me. "You didn't expect it to be popular enough for me to get every roadside trinket with my name, huh?"

"We didn't. We thought we were unique. At least be glad you were born a girl. If you were a boy, your dad wanted to name you this ugly name, Levin."

My mom got quiet after that, but the name rolled around in my mind. I let the name fall off my tongue once, trying to see how it felt.

"Levin..."

---

"Levin."

"My name is Levin. It's been five years since I started my transition. I know you said it would take a bit of getting used to, but you haven't used my pronouns or name more than once since I came out. I feel... I feel like you could be doing a bit better." I sigh, the weight of having to reprimand my mother weighing heavy on my shoulders.

"I know..." She weakly retorts, the fire inside her still lit after all the years. "It's just... You've always been my little girl. My Kaylee."

"I'm still your child! Don't treat it as if you've lost me!" I say, anger rising in my voice. "I'm here, I'm just going by a different name and pronouns! I'm myself. I'm me. Why can't you just accept that? Dad has, my brothers have, your sister has, everyone seems to have except for you. It's time... I just want you to start. I'm not asking for immediate change. I'm just asking... For a step. Please."

My voice is shaking. Dammit. I wasn't expecting to get choked up.

"Ok... I'm sorry." I hear my mother say, softly. I wish I could run to her and say everything is as it was. I can go back to my tower and be her princess once more. She can braid my hair, put me in dresses, and I can live in her safe little world. That I won't be out there in battles defending my kingdom, full of those that want to harm me.

"...Thank you. I love you." I say, and she says it back. I know it shouldn't be my job to care for these adults. One day, they'll all smile and cheer on my name. However, today, I am just happy with how far I've come.

[teddy-feathers]

Me: having a fucking break down.

Ranting about issues that matter to me. Making mopey fucking comments.

I realize it happens frequently. I realize there's no help to be had. I realize i just have to muster up and do it... Or find an alternative solution.

But it makes it all the more noticable when she doesn't... Seem to notice. Or say anything. Or focuses on the wrong thing. Or how can you like every fucking post but miss the important ones. Or not worry on the times I'm radio silent.

Maybe raido silence from me is the expectation anymore. I dont know.

I dont think I've really paid attention the last several phone conversations we've managed just because I'm getting to the point I only have enough spoons to deal with so much emotional bag and I realize Ive already checked more than my fair amount but Im also dealing with my mom and my dad and work and having to fight off anxiety attacks before after and INSTEAD of social activities.

And i have other people who are going through a rough patch. And the shit with the car. Hell 99% of my recharge/ coping is just staring at Tumblr mindlessly. Cant even read or play video games without guilt or I just end up staring aimlessly at tumblr because tumblr wont make me feel things Im trying to not feel.

But... Nada you know?

No worried messages. Maybe an I love you but its more of "im lonely and i miss you pay attention to me" than "im worried about you"

I dont... Talk really. Or rant or vent or... Share. I'll make a couple of comments but really its just. Listening. Trying to maybe comment and being happy at least shes rambling about things shes enjoying and that things are going well.

And when there is a problem... I try to refocus. Dont panic, worry about what you can do. Youll get through this you have options and viable plans if you follow through. Distract until youve processed and calm - watch a funny thing. Or watch a sad thing so youll feel better after crying cause happy ending. Eat. Drink. Fluids. Rest. Itll turn out okay one way or another.

Then redirect convo to happier topics until she sounds a bit happier.

Her: sometimes i dont want solutions i just want to cry and have you tell me everythings going to be okay.

I just. I cant do that. What lie to you? What allow you to sit there and break down and do NOTHING to attempt to help? I cant even let people bitch without trying to "help" or "fix" things or at least explain something. And most of the time I'm barely okay emotionally I CANT handle other people breaking down and HELPLESS because EVERYTHING is terrible and there is no way out. I HAVE to try and find a way out. Usually with far too many words.

More to the point... Dating me has always been this huge thing. Like it matters to her. Because "I'm all she wants" ? But. I'm really not and I could list all sorts of things she wants and needs that I just. Dont. Do. Wont do.

It matters to her and it doesnt to me and we are best friends so what does it matter?

Only while it has fixed some problems because she's happy with that... I swear its just an idea, a possession of having me forever maybe? Idk. And of being in a relationship...

Long term it just isnt sustainable because of things like this.

She wants me to be jelly but she could date like a hundred people or sleep with them rn and I wouldnt care if she was happy healthy and they treated her right.

But... I feel like... I'm alway breaking down or having shit go wrong and she's never there, never notices, never says anything aside from... Irrelevant comments and I notice and feel that and try to give the benifit of the doubt because hell its not like we get a chance to bs very often and that is mostly my fault.

But she calls and I just. Cant. Sometimes. Or its all surface bs. Or it is cool stuff but I just... I'm glad shes happy.

Or she calls and I just cant but she sounds upset so i swallow it and try and then I get this bs.

Or I say hey i dont want to talk about xzy

Okay but one last thing -

Or hey i HAVE to go now

Awwwww okay but - keeps talking

Or its always some smarter last word feeling thing with her. She doesn't mean to but she treats people like theyre stupid.

Or how she got into a huge fight with my family on facebook amd neither side respected the fact I dont do face book and Im not getting in fucking volved just leave me out of it...

But she cant unfriend my fam cause that's "weird" even though it'd STOP shit like this from happening but yeah not apologizing to my aunt for some series fuck up on her part is okay.

I just. For the longest time I hated the idea of dating. Hated relationships because of all the bullshit and honestly I was never going to let anyone treat me the way dad and mom treat each other.

Then... I tried it. And it was terrifying amd fun but in retrospect I just like having friends. And dating amd friend stuff for me just. I do the same things. And sex I just dont want to have anything to do with me personally but Ive tried dating and sex and I'm back to the high school me standard of why bother?

And its honestly such a farce. I want my best friend happy. I am a people pleaser. I say nice things and mean them but... I say things and they make her sad whenever I bring them up like how I'm prob deff aro ace...

She wants to be special to me. An exception. Shes my best friend but ive told her so many times I dont love her the way she loves me, and that its not ENOUGH and shes just like "no its enough" while asking for more whether she realizes it or not.

I'm bad at relationships in general but Ive always been tired of my friendship not being enough for people. For me wanting to grow that bond is everything but I can't keep friends because I'm me and even my best friend is only my best friend because THIS is what she wanted and I gave it to her and somehow I'm still fucking this up.