#idk. i should have been kinder to the losers

[crawlingbetweenearthandheaven]

hi Imogen. what are your negative traits? I have followed you for years and you seem much happier now

hello! I am working on all of these things but fear some are embedded deeper than i realised...

I've got a quick temper; I can be impulsive; I grew up snobby and arrogant and am still struggling to shake the worst of it (like: I used to be a bit classist, really); I am impatient when people do not understand things as quickly as I do; I am messy. I can be mean or dismissive towards people I find dull and I find lots of people dull.

[thefigureinthecorner]

tama-rrow will be kinder- an am archives playlist

at least 3 months and 31 songs later and this monster of a playlist finally has a cover hell yeah

the pun title is....... literally the only fun thing about this playlist, actually.

song notes, and also spoilers, under the cut

a lot of these songs are mood songs; the lyrics don’t have a whole lot of relevance. most of them do have at least some lyrical relevance, though, provided that the song has any lyrics at all. it’s p much just the songs that helped me draw all that Good Good Angst

also important to note: I started making it after episode 9, so it’s mostly relevant to the back half of the show, and especially to the last couple of episodes.

again, this is 31 songs and over 2 hours long, so the notes are........ kind of long

Ghosts That We Knew - Mumford & Sons

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light/'Cause oh that gave me such a fright/But I will hold as long as you like/Just promise me we'll be alright

Desert Song - My Chemical Romance

this is one of those songs that’s there primarily for mood reasons; i added it right after episode 9 came out and it was on loop pretty much the whole time i was drawing stuff for that episode. the lyrics are kinda relevant, but not enough for me to pull out any specific lines.

The World Is Ugly - My Chemical Romance

this was added for mood reasons after 9, but then it became relevant.

I just wanted you to know/That the world is ugly/But you're beautiful to me/Are you thinking of me/Like I'm thinking of you/I would say I'm sorry, though/Though I really need to go

The Light Behind Your Eyes - My Chemical Romance

yes, there are three mcr songs in a row, and no, i’m not gonna apologize for that. the am archives slam dunked me right back into my emo phase. also, this song just straight-up hurts. like, the whole thing.

If I could be with you tonight/I would sing you to sleep/Never let them take the light behind your eyes/I failed and lost this fight/Never fade in the dark/Just remember you will always burn as bright

In Case You Don't Live Forever - Ben Platt

my one note for this song is: ow.

I've waited way too long to say/Everything you mean to me/In case you don't live forever, let me tell you now/I love you more than you'll ever wrap your head around/In case you don't live forever, let me tell you the truth/I'm everything that I am because of you

Spanish Sahara - Foals

this one’s another mood song, but it does have some lines that work; the forget the horror here sections are the biggest reason this song ended up on the playlist, actually, mood aside.

Hot Gates - Mumford & Sons

mood mostly, but also:

And I can't be for you all of the things you want me to/But I will love you constantly/There's precious little else to me/And though we cry, we must stay alive

Iridescent - Linkin Park

When you were standing in the wake of devastation When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now You were there impossibly alone

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation You build up hope but failure's all you've known Remember all the sadness and frustration And let it go, let it go

Gone Away - SafetySuit

again: ow.

i just... go look at the lyrics. do it. it hurts.

POWERLESS - Linkin Park

it’s mostly here for mood, but the lyrics feel relevant in a way that i can’t pinpoint but it’s a way that hurts.

Daylight - Boyce Avenue

i have other connections to this specific cover of this song that make it Extra Painful but like Daylight started playing literally right after Crazy while i was at CVS and i was like hey hi excuse me i just wanted to get some Arizona w h y

anyway.

Here I am staring at your perfection/In my arms, so beautiful/The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out/Somebody slow it down/This is way too hard/'Cause I know, when the sun comes up/I will leave, this is my last glance/That will soon be memory

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

ah. the Quintessential Sad Medical Drama Song. not that tama is a medical drama but like it kinda gave me those vibes at times?? anyway. it’s here for mood more than anything but there are some lyrics in it that hurt

The Winner Takes It All - ABBA

not even abba is safe from tama angst.

no seriously though i got this song stuck in my head and had an aw fuck come on seriously???? ABBA?????? you’re making ABBA hurt???????? moment

re: joan and owen

The gods may throw a dice/Their minds as cold as ice/And someone way down here/Loses someone dear/The winner takes it all/The loser has to fall/It's simple and it's plain/Why should I complain

and re: joan and wadsworth

I don't want to talk/If it makes you feel sad/And I understand/You've come to shake my hand/I apologize/If it makes you feel bad/Seeing me so tense/No self-confidence/But you see/The winner takes it all

I Of The Storm - Of Monsters and Men

Are you really gonna love me when I'm gone?/I fear you won't/I fear you don't/And it echoes when I breathe/Until all you see is my ghost/Empty vessel, crooked teeth/Wish you could see/And they call me under/And I'm shaking like a leaf/And they call me under/And I wither underneath

Hail To Whatever You Found In The Sunlight That Surrounds You - Rilo Kiley

this one is 100% a mood song. i’ve debated taking it off the playlist but it just... gets me in the right headspace for drawing tama art, i guess?? something about the sadness/anxiety in the song or something i think

Fear - Sleeping At Last

it’s instrumental, so yeah, mood song

For Good - Wicked

i’ve made art based on this song, but i didn’t even use the lyrics that actually hurt the most?

And just to clear the air/I ask forgiveness/For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know/There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Empty Chairs At Empty Tables - Les Miserables

yeah so realizing how well this song fit kind of felt like what i would imagine getting hit by a train feels like

the whole song fits. just trust me on this.

All Gone (No Escape) - Gustavo Santaolalla

another instrumental one that’s mood-only, but i was rewatching a last of us playthrough as a reference for a thing and this song popped up towards the end and i was like “ah, that hurts, i need it”

All Is Well (It's Only Blood) - Radical Face

y’know what? the song’s pretty short. have all the lyrics, and i’m sorry.

All is well now Pay no mind All is well now I'm just fine I'm just fine It's only blood; I have plenty left It's only blood; I just need to rest I said I'd fix this That I'd set things straight You begged me not to But I couldn't stay Couldn't wait They cut me up, but I did them worse And I'll be fine, I just need to rest All is well now All is well now All is well now All is well now

......yeah.

when i heard it, i swear to god it replicated that exact sinking feeling i felt in the pit of my stomach when i first listened to episode 15. it fits way too well, and i have too many feelings about this song, and hhhhhhh

After the Storm - Mumford & Sons

And I won't die alone and be left there Well I guess I'll just go home, Oh God knows where Because death is just so full and man so small Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before

The Trapeze Swinger - Iron & Wine

someone in the tag mentioned this song and i’ve been crying over it ever since

it’s just. 9 minutes of jesus christ, ow, what the fuck

Winter Song - The Head and the Heart

this one’s mostly here for mood, but some of the lyrics do fit and they hurt, like “we’re just praying that we’re doing this right/but that’s not the way it seems”; joan realizing that she’s been going about the tier 5 clear out the wrong way and the costly mistakes that come with that.

Touch - Sleeping At Last

i think this one’s mostly for the mood, but there’s something in the lyrics that make me think of joan in the finale; that kind of numb, “none of this feels real” denial of everything that’s happened both to her and to the people she loves.

Silhouette - Owl City

this song hurts especially in the context of the “i need you to be happy” line, i think; the line changing between “will i ever feel again//will i ever smile again//will i ever love again” is just, like, a trifecta of pain

The fire I began, is burning me alive But I know better than to leave and let it die I'm a silhouette asking every now and then Is it over yet? Will I ever smile again? I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own But the more I try to move on the more I feel alone So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

All Is Well (Goodbye, Goodbye) - Radical Face

fun fact! all is well (it’s only blood) has a companion song!! because you know what’s better than one angst? two angst!!

And I have lost your face It slips between my fingers now And all the world is gray As though you took the colors with you When you went and passed away

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday - Jason Mraz

this one’s on my joan/owen playlist too, but it hurt too much to not put it here.

And if we get to see tomorrow I hope it's worth all the wait It's hard to say goodbye to yesterday

And I'll take with me the memories To be my sunshine after the rain It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

Cradle and All - Audra McDonald

i’m just sitting here, innocently listening to joan’s playlist, when this song pops up and i’m like aw fuck aw shit no goddammit

It's not like he didn't love, no, that I couldn’t conceive There are many ways a man can stay And many ways that he can leave

--

Oh hush, oh hush, don't be scared I know that you tried, I know cared Let's put it behind us, that noise in the hall

We All Go the Same - Radical Face

i’ve made art for this song, too! it hurts. it’s sad. it’s about death. it’s got sad piano. what more explanation do you want

Light In The Hallway - Pentatonix

it’s.... comforting in a sad way, idk. it felt like it fit, especially towards the end of this playlist.

Tomorrow Will Be Kinder - The Secret Sisters this song is kind of like... sad and optimistic at the same time. i wanted to end this playlist on at least kind of a lighter note, and i think this song does that. it works with the finale; sad, not quite recovered, but still looking towards the future and knowing things can still be better despite every terrible thing that’s happened.

also, it’s where the pun title comes from.

Sorrow weighs my shoulders down And trouble haunts my mind But I know the present will not last And tomorrow will be kinder

Tomorrow will be kinder It's true, I've seen it before A brighter day is coming my way Yes, tomorrow will be kinder

Today I've cried a many tear And pain is in my heart Around me lies a somber scene I don't know where to start

[smol-pilots]

can you believe it’s been 15 days since jonghyun’s death?

15 days since every kpop fan grieved after that talented, amazing man. 15 days since everyone (finally) realized how important mental health is and how deeply it can affect people’s lives and their perception of life. 15 days since people assured jonghyun that he “did well” and should now rest peacefully. 15 days since people wrote messages to their idols, telling them that they should not overwork themselves, they should take some rest, take care of their health and that they (the fans) are there for them and will support them no matter what. 

and then it quickly got too far. people began assuming their idol’s mental health, lists began spreading around with names of idols that are (supposedly or not) suffering from depression. which is: wrong. you have no right to assume someone’s condition because you do not know what this person is going through. and it is not “making sure these people get extra love”. everyone needs love and support! and by naming people that need “special treatment” by the fans and companies ... it’s not doing much, it’s only making people sick with worry.  

soon after, people forgot about jonghyun’s death. maybe not forgot, but moved on (which is of course good, good for yall that you paid your respects and grieved for the time that you needed to process this). but as people kept saying that his death changed the kpop community and “ended fanwars” ... they were very wrong. because soon after, people had seunghyun in their teeth, saying how his marihuana abuse and medication abuse that resulted in him attempting to take his life in june this year mean nothing. “he did it because he’s a cr*ckhead who couldn’t deal with consequences of his actions”. it’s like they literally quoted loser, bigbang’s song (that’s personally my favourite): “im a loser, a loner, a coward who pretends to be tough”. it made me so angry because they literally said he deserved to die and how he wouldn’t even be missed. people deal with their illnesses differently and suddenly he was judged for his coping methods. 

then, of course, another annoying fan war began, as expected betweens armys and exo-ls. who lip syncs and who doesn’t which is such a stupid thing to argue about but at this point, i’m not even surprised anymore. and then yoongi began ending his lines with silence and “all live band” to prove that they don’t lip sync. okay. i agree that it’s an amazing thing, considering their dancing is phenomenal and it takes a lot of work. on the other hand, exo (and other sm groups) often perform with the singing already prerecorded or whatever way that is not completely live. okay! like exo-ls shouldn’t come after bts and accuse them of lip-syncing and bts has the right to prove everyone that they were falsely accused. but! there’s no need to bring down exo and treat them as they are nothing just because they don’t sing live. i would definitely love it if exo sang live more but at the same time: they have concerts. they sing live there. they show how they, in fact, can dance and sing at the same time. and having this stupid fight because of those 10 minutes on stage at those shit ass awards ... you really thrive on drama, you fucktards. shame on you. 

and now. baekhyun. not even 15 days after jonghyun’s death someone with depression spoke to baekhyun about their mental health. i hope you all know that 15 days is nothing. it’s nothing for someone that knew the deceased. groups had to go on with their schedules and if you follow taeyeon on instagram you can see how much she’s struggling and how much she misses jonghyun. the sm family is still grieving and nobody expects to see taemin, kibum, jinki and minho any time soon because it’s understandable it’s going to take a while. and even though other artists have seemingly moved on and are showing their happy personas, they still have to process this. and this person that turned to baekhyun and mentioned her condition to him... she said he looked sad and distressed and he talked to her about her illness and personal life. he was caring. and he made her feel better, he wasn’t inconsiderate at all. very unfortunately, the audio that she uploaded on twitter was cut in a way that made the translator, who mistranslated his words, start a drama that even made it on the news. that’s disgusting. saying that “he doesn’t understand depression” is ugly when that’s not what happened. and then the person, the only person that was there, the person baekhyun actually spoke to, apologized. she apologized to anyone that might’ve been hurt by all this which is so so wrong. that was her happy moment because he made her feel better and now everyone made a huge deal out of it when nothing bad happened. and even baekhyun himself posted an apology that he didn’t have to! because he didn’t do anything wrong! and it makes me so sad when he says he will be more careful with his words now, like no! you’re doing great, you’re an amazing human being who consoled a fan and you showed great empathy! and now of course people blame the armys which idk, i don’t think is right because it was one person i guess buT!!! at the same time this needs to be acknowledged: 

it is not uncommon for the whole fandom (of any group!) to try to bring down the group they don’t like and people often try to dehumanize and make idols and fans look bad and evil. it is not right. this behaviour is bad, the obsession to make your own group look like it’s above the others and everyone else is crap and it’s disgusting. everyone is working so so hard and they deserve to be loved and respected and appreciated for the work that they do. they don’t need the badmouthing just because you feel the need to bring everyone down in order for your group to be on this imaginary throne. i’m fully aware that every fanbase has  some bad people in it and imo what the fanbase has to do in that moment is to distance themselves from that person. but people often try to use it to prove how this only shows that their group is superior to others or when hell breaks lose in other fanbases some people try to use that to prove how “they” are nothing like “them”. there are so many stupid dramas going on between people when they should really be focusing on themselves and loving the members of their fav group, instead of bashing others down. if you don’t like someone, don’t pay attention to them. as someone who’s constantly on twitter and sees everything, it’s really hard not to reply to these disgusting tweets. from any fanbase. 

please, make sure the people you adore are loved, appreciated, respected, don’t take them or their hard work for granted but also don’t put them on a piedestal. they’re human beings just like us and they have good and bad days, happy days and sad days. and at the same time don’t hate on other people. i know this is hard, everyone badmouths someone sometimes but social medias such as twitter and tumblr and instagram and others are not a place to post this. everyone has a right to their own opinion but things like that being spread out in the open are bad because 1) people who disagree will defend their people and then shit goes south and 2) people can see this, idols can see it and i know their skin has to be thick because not everyone will love them but seeing stupid drama or even worse, false accusations will make them feel very bad (as seen in baekhyun’s case). 

jonghyun spoke so much about how he felt hurt by people’s comments and opinions on him. he worked so hard to make sure people see him for who he is, he didn’t want to be judged or misunderstood. he talked about how to deal with sadness and he worked hard to beat his illness. he also spoke about ways to console a person who is depressed. and then he took his own life. and for what? for people to be shocked  and then see them turn back to their nasty paths of slandering people, spreading false rumours about others and making fun of their mental illness? this is so sad.

in 2018 i wish for every person to be kinder. for people to be nicer to each other, more thoughtful, more supportive, more appreciative, more respectful. everyone, please, be a good person this year!

[captusmomentum]

8, 11, 13, 33, and 39 for Inan, Alhanin, Tace, and Fewena, E and H for you plz and thank you :D

UNSURPRISINGLY THIS IS V LONG SO IT’S UNDER A CUT

8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a childAlhanin:

to stop goofing off and do her chores, she was fairly good about doing things since she was Mom’s Little Helper when they weren’t with the clan and had that Be Good and Do Things mentality really early so she could help mom out but she’s always been really bad about stopping her chores to goof around with children.

Féwena:

to stop arguing or fighting or picking on someone. she was a tiny terror.

Inanallas:

to stop wandering off. to start their homework, do chores, try playing with the other kids more. the sort of things you’d tell a daydreamy child to do/not do. 

Tace:like, everything. stop back talking, stop trying to skip class, stop lying, stop reading above your approved level like– just think of what someone could tell a kid to stop doing in the circle/a circle like environment and he got it.11. How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?Alhanin:

asks questions like a functional grown ass adult until she’s sure she gets it. Especially when it’s really important. if it’s not too big of a deal might just let it slide tho.

Féwena:

basically interrogates, them/whoever’s available and is like Weirdly Annoyed she’s confused. But she’s always kinda >:| so  but yeah also tends to get progressively more snappish and heated as she asks questions for literally no reason. she’s just too salty to act normal.

Inanallas: 

depends on who’s involved, if it’s someone they know p well they’ll just ask them for clarification. but if it’s a stranger or someone they consider intimidating or something like that they’ll either look around fervently for someone like Thenvas, who they know and will see the confused terror in their eyes and know what to do, or feigns understanding long enough to scamper over to one of their friends and plead for help.

Tace:

gets really mad and petty for no fucking reason and bitches while asking questions then cuts them off from explaining to bitch more. or just doesn’t fucking care and ignores that the interaction even happened bc like, he wasn’t gonna do jack shit with that anyway.

13. What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?Alhanin: greens, especially olive-y ones. it certainly doesn’t look like shit but idk if it’s the best since she and few’s coloring is basically “different shades of red/red-orange”

Féwena: deep reds, darker colors, olive green, basically Edge Lord Colors generally. Overall yup on point tho idk how good the red and green are since her coloring is so red, more red is possibly just too much and green runs a risk of gross.

Inanallas: light blues. it does actually look very good on them and helps soften how pale they are while highlighting their eyes. also makes them seem more approachable and less spooky which the tattoos tend to do.

Tace: Every Color Bitch. he’s…. well he’s arrogant but he’s technically not wrong. his best colors tho are pastels and saturated colors, they really pop on him.

33. Could they be considered lazy? 

Alhanin:

only in her wildest fucking dreams, she likes to pretend at being the lazy lovable rogue but nope she’s a lil worker bee.

Féwena:

kinda, she certainly doesn’t lift a finger if she doesn’t see why she should.

Inanallas:

they can seem lazy, but it’s all the mental anguish keep them from getting things done. It was big problem in their inq au to manage their image, thenvas was doing all the inquisitorial work in skyhold (so basically running the whole dang thing) in their stead while inan still did all the field and in person work. it was month before they could even bare to leave their room after they got made inquisitor. it can take them ages to get anything done and to others it can look like their total slackers and completely irresponsible but the reality is they’re grappling with themselves over what to do.

Tace:

lol YUPPPPPPP. tace is HILARIOUSLY LAZY. he HATES working or doing ANYTHING and loves lounging around. to be fair, a good part of that tho is just like complete and total burn out in effect. but he also genuinely fucking hates like, all the kinda academia-esque shit the circles did and would just Not fucking do it bc Fuck You and go take a nap instead. even when he was in his poorly thought out affair with anders in his da canon verse and helping at the clinic he was forever moaning and groaning and whining.

39. How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people? 

Alhanin:

Honestly fairly easy. it’s a bit difficult to explain exactly but for Al, giving people a chance and not holding them to their flaws, thinking the best of them (within reason) is natural and also an important part of her whole philosophy. compulsive lying is bad, but the reason someone does it could be to protect themselves from something worse, so it’s important not to immediately judge or write people off because of flaws or actions and to reserve judgement until you know more and to always be willing to give people another chance. but at the same time, alhanin is always involved in the justice system somehow and is forever looking for people’s flaws and any/all potential red flags that they’re genuinely Bad or will just do it all again. So she’s both willing to forgive a lot but also ready to pin people at the drop of a hat.

Féwena:

depends on the flaws, if it’s one she finds unforgivable and/or annoying then NOPE and she will beat you up for it, mentally/emotionally or physically. otherwise she’s pm lets things slide until someone else says their not okay w/ something or w/e. she’s aware she’s really not in a position to throw stones most of the time since she’s a belligerent,  kinda xenophobic/bigoted/anti-human aggressive asshole (tho it doesn’t stop her from ridin’ that high horse around town whoops).

Inanallas:

kinda, it’s harder for them when they’re younger and things always feel more dire or visceral and they hyper focus on and distort the negatives but it gets better as they get older and they understand more about life and other people. post-trespasser or the au appropriate exp/age equivalent is very good at being kind and forgiving flaws, even when they’ve personally been hurt because of them. standard inan, which is aprox dai inan (usually pre-skyhold or near to the end bc of the Dark Zone) is very mixed and sporadic about it and hypocritical, clearly still trying to come to terms with how some flaws are okay, some are not, and how extremely situational that can be.

Tace:

TACE DOES NOT FORGIVE SHIT. TACE DOES NOT FORGET SHIT.

He fucking remembers every last fucking flaw a person’s got and will hold them against them until he fucking dies you can try and pull this from his cold dead hands and even then it won’t budge. even once he’s basically married to keshet and living in domestic bless he still is hilariously petty and loses his mind about all of keshet’s flaws (and tbh keshet exaggerates some, like the shitty jokes, just to rile him up), it’s kinder when it’s with people he likes/cares for, like Keshet and CONSIDERABLY less frequent and nicer when it’s someone he cares about and is Highly Sensitive like Thenvunin bc he’s not trying to make them feel bad. but he’s still judging, silently, in his Heart, and then out loud at home over wine while keshet very Obviously ignores him.

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?Alhanin: ye ye, al is super chill and encouraging so that’d be cool. we’d get on just fine.

Féwena: there’s a chance we could but it’d be rocky there for a while, few is Rough to deal with sometimes and has a very brusk personality.

Inanallas: we’d get on really well and also overshare and cry a lot it’d be a sad lil tiny losers weeping club. inan would probably ask me to draw them shit all the time.

Tace: i have noooooo fucking idea. it’s hard to tell who tace will tolerate until he meets them. i’d probably wanna be friends w/ him but be too scared to talk to him bc he’s so INTENSE and he’d be like w/e, too busy losing his mind over shit elsewhere.H) What trait do you admire most?

Alhanin: 

how committed she is, how deeply she takes being Fair and Just to heart, how genuinely altruistic she is and how dauntless she is.

Féwena: 

her fire, passion and tenacity and her total fearlessness to stand up to anyone over anything. and her ability to actually control that somewhat so she doesn’t go completely out of control.

Inanallas: 

their bravery to push through and find a way to do things they need to even while scared shitless and the seriousness they treat things with when they finally accept responsibility or even if they haven’t accepted it yet. when they got made inquisitor they knew they were the worst choice objectively for a myriad of practical reasons and when thenvas arrived immediately began basically therapy w/ him and gave him pm all her responsibility bc he WAS the best choice and he knew her well enough to be able to help get them functioning again so they could do right by this shit.

Tace:

how totally unrepentant he is for his existence and how he refuses to let people try to convince him he’s the bad guy or that he deserves the abuse he gets and how he constantly stands up for himself against literally everything and everyone while doing his best not to fall into the trap of becoming as bad as them to survive it.

[fuckigngh]

OK HI LMAO

compared to all of these im doing so much fucking better yall. i don't even THINK of trying to hurt myself anymore, im becoming more open with myself and trying to actually be really happy, i no longer feel like a huge loser and a disruption to everyone's lives etc. im going into my freshman year in a few weeks for highschool, i just got done with school work, clancies is still going strong, im a kirishima stan (AS I SHOULD BE!), ive made a lot of friends, my last anxiety attack was like a month ago (thats a good thing), i don't feel sad anymore, my art style is actually good for once etc etc I AM DOING JUST FINE!!! I am doing great actually! not even compared to my last reposts on this thread. im just actually doing OK!

however, a few problems! stress! lots of stress about school (its been mostly alleviated since i finished school but im going to a completely different town for school this year so ! what do u expect). eyesight! im getting my eyes re-examined again on monday but Bruh it deadass Hurts To See.. like open my eyes and im like Owie. i think i have adhd or sumn! based on my moms logic it would be more than likely that i do, so i guess i just need to change my diet and stuff :-/ adhd meds aren't good for kids (im still a child of course). I haven't been to a doctor in a while! last time i went was maybe for a blood drawing? but that took 5 minutes so it doesn't rly count. it was like , 7 months ago. oh well. I'll see one very soon! selfishness. I don't really know about this one that much but i constantly feel like im being selfish and uncaring a lot more lately? idk i mean i just got off my period so that may be why but i just feel rly self conscious abt how much i talk abt myself (like Rn) and all that and my parents would just say like "thts so stupid," so . Not rly helpful lol. Speaking Of! parents. yes. they are. still a problem. ive probably heard my dad say "i don't drink but you're driving me to" to my mom like 3 times this week, and not rly as a joke? my mom and dad have been arguing a lot but i think its just stressy in my house :-//. they're annoying lol.

and those are all of my problems. not too bad!!! oh yeah my earbuds broke too but thats easy to fix.

anyways! yeah im doing a lot better. i just keep this up as a reminder to never stop pushing and to always strive to be happier or better or kinder etc because you never know what could be going on. im in remission! im doing better! and i will strive to stay this way for good. being sad is a waste of time. its not cool. its not fun. its not trendy. its fucking draining, bro! be happy! even if u dont smile or even act all that happy, you can still be happy. u don't need others validation to be you (although hearing it Does feel nice). remember to keep on moving forward.

i will update this if anything else comes along! stay sexy bros (and people who don't want to be called bros).

6)#(2+8

I’ve been thinking about becoming an inpatient at a clinic recently.

this past month, these past months, have been harder for me. I’ve stopped eating three meals a day, i barely have the energy to get up, i feel sick a lot, etc etc.. i just want to get better. im sick of these fucking illnesses, and i have been for a very long time. my ma and i had a very long talk in the car yesterday evening about my mental health. there was crying, yelling, disagreements, anxiety, the whole shebang. but at the end, i realized i truly do love my mom. I’ve always been the one to talk shit about my mom, even my friends, family, and my fucking Therapist has, but i don’t want to be like that anymore. my mood has been spiraling downwards recently, and fast. in october my test results were a 15/27, a sorta high result, but not that bad for having MDD. I just had my last check-up yesterday, and the results were even worse. a whole 26/27. i haven’t been that fidgety for a little while, so it would be higher in a different period. my doctor said that this was concerning to see from a 13 year old, who had just been at a 15. then i told her about how my days were a solid 6/10 at best, and that i feel like a burden a whole lot of the time. she upped my dosage on lexapro, but i don’t think it’ll work. im already on 10mg, and im moving up to 15mg soon, but ive been here before. it all goes downhill when i up my dosage or get a new antidepressant. also, the main reason i want to go inpatient is because i want to explore my options.

ive had mdd for almost 2 years now. it went undiagnosed for about 2-3 years before that. ive gone to therapy, been on and off lexapro (our family has a history with addiction, we just want to be safe), and been through many discussions based off my mental health to know that this isn’t what i want to be doing. i want to try and get more help.

now, you might say that i sound like I’m doing okay right now as I’m just typing this, but ive been portraying faux emotional behaviors from the get-go. i try every day to tell people that im fine or that im doing better but in the end, im still the same sad sack of a human. i get proud of myself every now and again, and i do experience joy and happiness, but when it’s taken away i just don’t know how to cope. i lock myself away after hanging out with friends, and i find social interactions to be draining at times.

as i said before, i just want help. im sick, and i want to be healthy.

[feelinsdumpster]

things i want to do in the coming decade

1 January 2020

1. now that the most hellish part of my student career is over and i’m given more time for myself, i want to read at least 3 books a month (with at least 1 classic every two) in 2020, and try read one more book every month in the coming years

2. write better reviews for the books i’ve read, and maybe post reading logs here

3. i want to reread some of my absolute favourite titles and finally put up my honest reviews for them. maybe i’ll post a shitpost here about how much i love em

4. i want to get over my fear of writing (and get over the trauma that resulted this) so that i can not only stop procrastinating for homework, but also start writing the shit i’ve always wanted to write

5. start carrying a tiny book around for when i have a random spontaneous idea, so that i can write them down. i tend to always have spontaneous ideas but i never remember them by the time i’m about to write them down so hopefully this will help

6. read or write as i commute instead of wallowing in sadness as i listen to music

7. post an essay here once every 2 weeks (or at least once a month) about issues i care about, and hopefully improve my writing along the way

8. wake up earlier and keep doing so consistently, like 7am or something, and not get fatigued over doing so

9. go on morning walks, heck, or even walk up the hill to campus if i have to, because your loser girl over here has been recommended to lose weight by 4 doctors over the last few years and it’s about time i tried

10. try lessen my shopping and stop being a victim of consumerism. 2019 (or at least the latter half) was probably the one year in which i spent a shitload of money on things that i did not necessarily need. it’s become a habit i cannot control where i buy things on impulse thinking ‘i need it’ or ‘it’ll be gone if i don’t get it’ when i know that is not true and i don’t need it and that the only reason i’m compelled to buy them is because i live in a very consumerism-centric society that also conveniently does not have sales tax, and live in a very image-based era where how you look online is big deal and you always ‘have’ to keep up with the trends when that’s bullshit and anyone that decides to unfriend you over such deserves to be out of your life because holy fuck is that toxic. 

11. try not only make more new friends, but also start talking again to some of my old friends/acquaintance. it could be because the old environment was gone, it could be because we’ve all matured a bit and grown up, but whereas i though it would be cringe as fuck to accidentally come across people i used to know, i was surprised to find it pretty pleasant and not as nasty as i’ve expected (this is probably because i have deep-set issues regarding how people perceive me but ye) and i think it would be nice to talk again and shit on our past lol. that, and making new friends, i need to stop giving people a singular vibe check and pussying out when i don’t like it. i want to try get to know new people more without bias and maybe gain friends instead of simply acquaintances

12. get over my stage fright and be more confident (this sorta bleeds into the next point)

13. learn to stop caring about what other people think. when you live in a society that greatly values the idea of ‘face’, this point can be really hard to do. but really, no one but yourself has any stake in what you’re doing right now or for the future, so you better do you sis

14. figure out what i want out of life and my university experience. tbh i spent a good portion of my life being pushed around by people, in hopes that i’d end up here or i’d end up there, i really never thought about what i really wanted. in 2019 i really focused on how i felt throughout with my growth and i started caring for myself more (which i honestly should have done long before because i am so emotionally unstable i don’t know how i’ve lasted this long actually). sadly enough, as i started caring more for myself, what everyone had hoped out of me were absolutely shattered. i didn’t score too well in my public exams because i didn’t want to push myself too hard; i ended up not getting into the much favoured first choice for a uni degree; and i ended up discovering that i want simplicity out of life: i don’t want to be a hero, i don’t want to be a leader, i just want to live happily and help people in tiny non-extravagant ways. this was much to everyone’s dismay lol. i also rekindled my fondness for literature and am pursuing a second major in english to the great disapproval of everyone else (i was a pretty good student at school and i did focus on science and math so this came as a shock to everyone, doesn’t help that i’m asian). but i really like what i’m doing right now. it’s more broad and i can sort of figure out what i want to do. but with that i also had this massive crisis where i didn’t know what the hell i was doing and i also didn’t want to be wasting my degree taking shit willy nilly and develop no interest or skills. so i really want to figure that out u kno

15. graduate at a healthier state mentally and physically (very easy to manipulate because, arguably speaking, i can either a) never have graduated, or b) never stop learning, and both seem wonderful to me lol)

16. stop avoiding my problems and using them as a comedic crux; actually solve them and my longheld issues; maybe actually try going to therapy or counselling

17. learn to let go of the people who have wronged me and learn to accept that i’ve made mistakes that may have greatly altered my life but should nevertheless be accepted as something that has happened and cannot be changed

18. learn to stop falling for toxic or unavailable people. self-explanatory. touche

19. learn to be kinder to myself. i don’t know how 2019 was for you, but it’s probably been one of the years where i’ve been the unhappiest i could ever be. whereas in the first half i was stressed beyond my wits and over-obsessed with some random public exam that really has no right in defining my future and self-worth, though it did (which is so shitty and stupid to begin with). in the second half, now that that fiasco was out of my head, i’ve sort of come face to face with how self-destructive my habits and attitude towards a lot of things are. you could probably tell from the shit i wrote before this point but positive self-image is not my forte, and i have essentially no idea what i’m doing or want out of life. arguably speaking, i’ve had a lot of people tell me or hint that i’m inadequate in many ways (be it because of how the education system is here, or my own complicated background), so i rarely ever hear compliments about myself or my work (or maybe i just suck in general idk). university has happened for a few months now and it’s been a bit jarring having adults tell me that i’m doing ok, or that they understand my background, or that i shouldn’t be doubting myself so much because i’m like ‘what the fuck that’s all i’ve been told to do?’. i guess it’s understandable why it’s important to know where you lack so as you can improve or like assimilate in society better (which i highly disagree with but i digress), but like holy fuckin hell did anyone ever think about how damaging that would be to a child’s self-esteem? maybe you won’t relate because you’re emotionally strong, or had a good upbringing, or didn’t lack all that much or you were a very normal kid, but if you wanted to know what it was like for someone who didn’t really have, or was, any of that: it sucked major ass, and it’s greatly affected how i ended up as an adult. i’m constantly anxious over nothing, and i have random fits of just gut-wrenching sadness, and god is it getting in the way of my daily life. now that i am doing ‘fine’ at school, i’m sole source of all negative criticism to compensate for the jarring lack thereof, and i’m terribly confused as to what people want out of me, as if that should even matter heck. never in my life did i ever let myself think that everything was going to be fine. never in my life did i ever let myself think i was adequate for whatever it was i was doing or wherever the hell i ended up. i realise i’ve spent nearly two decades of my life never cutting myself some slack even though the fact that i’ve made it this far and well and healthy, is to a large extent, completely on me and that i should be happy with myself. it’s about time i tried rebuilding my self-image and it’s about time i stopped giving myself ass when i don’t deserve it. and it sort of pisses me off that it takes a completely different environment for this to finally be clear to me and it’s baffling that i was once in such a toxic environment outside and within myself. i still am working to be kinder to myself; and the environment outside is still greatly toxic, but it is how it is and oh boy is that depressing. part of me still wished somebody taught me to be nicer to myself; part of me still wished the world would have been nicer to me; so here i am today, trying to fill the gap that was left by lack thereofs of the two

learning to be kinder to yourself is never really an easy task, especially if you’re already balls deep in being a dick to everything that you are. i’m sure it’ll take more than a decade, but i hope that the earlier i start, the better it’ll be for myself :)

20. be at a point where i’m genuinely happier with myself. i highly doubt any of you made it this far but if you have, i wish for you too: that in the coming decade, you’ll be at a point where you’re genuinely happier with yourself

extra:

21. FINALLY SUCC SOME DICK ITS ABOUT TIME IM NO LONGER SINGLE WHAT THE FU-