#idk. i can't put this into words very well
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don't think I'm not still obsessing over 7-12
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 part 12 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 part 12 spoilers#sorry it's even scribblier than usual :') hopefully my chickenscratch is legible#anyway come here and join me in the corner where we go to be embarrassing about anime characters#just. between riddle and trey's dreams i've been thinking a lot about how#trey knew this kid for like two months when he was nine and then never really got over him or how their friendship ended#which. honestly. understandable given the circumstances#and then when they finally met again riddle acted like they'd never met before and neither he nor trey ever intended trey to be his vice#but every time riddle talks about his childhood post-incident it's basically#'oh yeah i constantly thought about trey and che'nya and fantasized about still being friends with them! this is fine and normal'#(there's a bit in one of his birthday cards where he talks about crossword puzzles and shit man that one got me)#idk. i can't put this into words very well#just...the implications that riddle was actively resisting trey's friendship#(presumably because it ended SUPER badly last time and he's learned that if he shows he wants something it gets taken away from him)#and trey had to work REALLY hard to just to get to the point they were at by the time canon starts#that was progress somehow#y'all can call him boring all you want but trey's defining feature really is that he keeps being like#'everything's fine :) this isn't a big deal :) i don't care that much'#(trey on the inside: THIS IS THE BIGGEST DEAL THAT I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT AND I WILL NEVER LET IT GO)#anyway i continue to be absolutely murdered by the timing of riddlepunzel directly after this#riddle's line about not wanting to keep standing in front of a door that's never going to open...#hey. hey silly gacha game about anime disney boys.#you are not actually allowed to do this to me#oh shit oh damn i'm out of tags and i haven't even talked about cater yet. NO BUT I HAVE LOTS OF FEELINGS THERE TOO --#(i am crushed under a falling safe looney tunes style)
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reading this book, every time i read "the supremes," in my head i hear "it was Diana Ross... Mary... Florence... the SUPREMES ✨️✨️✨️"
#also the more i hear about diana's history the more distressed i get about the Michael Situation™️#man. even if we put the age gap aside. she had affairs with like a Lot of the men at motown#michael LIVED WITH HER as a 9/10yo. went to her house all the time growing up#she was one of the few people who would ask him about stuff like his art and interests. bought him art supplies and stuff#was very attentive and loving. also an inspiration and idol to him as a performer and a star. as a Diva even#his crush is understandable. that's fine. i get it#but for her to then. kinda reciprocate ... idk to what extent. when he was what like 19. hooo boy.#i kinda can't blame her bc like IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON. in her own words 'what i didn't know was that you were gonna get so sexy'#but also. why half ass it. if Eye were a weird maternal/sisterly/romantic figure in MJ's life and he was interested in me#and i felt morally weird about it#i wouldn't just Play with him. well of course i would but then i would marry tf out of him and have weird sex with him. obviously#let's be real the mother/lover/sister thing is hot. if you're not a coward. it's not like they were actually related.#anyways. just Do It or don't is what i think.
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trying to get work done today is like. lets learn how to do inverse kinematics for my robot. whats the general form of the matrix again. does my mother deserve to suffer a period of me distancing myself from her. will i survive doing that. what order am i cascading these matrices in
#helpppppp im a bit numb and very lost#i want to leave really bad rn#but there are some things at my mums i need to get first#and i can't just run off without speaking to her#absolutely not doing this over the phone but i'm so exhausted from last night i can't stand another argument#don't want to cry anymore as well fjdbdjf my eyes hurt#dad's friend dug up a tree that was causing problems in the garden today#found a hibernating snake#they tried to put it somewhere safe#and i was thinking wow cool hope it survives . how do i love my mum now tho#it's like that's all there is !!! and ive got exams ripppp#seriously thinking of postponing this year and finishing it next year because idk how i'm going to handle it#when it gets any more stressful than it is right now#will at least apply for some kind of special considerations for these exams#maybe i can get my marks boosted but ive only known that to happen when family members die#but my dad could kill himself#that wasn't just an anxious irrational fear of mine#and idk i feel like that should qualify me for a bit of help#because how do i sit here and act like uni matters it DOESNT#<- is 3rd year engineering#lmao#i need someone here to say girl shut up and solve ur robots#.......... my mum? ha#i need to talk to her its new years eve i was going to stay with her tomorrow#if i don't tell her i know then she won't understand why i'm not replying but how tf do i word that message#i don't want to tell her to her face that i know#fuckkk i dont want to hurt her#i'm not even angry i'm just so sad and idk what to do to stop it
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Ok the way some of y'all talk about Chappell Roan on here is so transparently just like, people having some internalized fucking HATRED for lesbians
#there's a post pitting her against charlie xcx and mocking ms. roan's fans as being like immature or whatever#like A. liking an artist shouldn't be a personality point and also no group is a monolith#B. all the notes were like#mocking an open lesbian and calling her cringe#saying she's not doing drag bc she's just a cis woman with makeup#just idk man#really reductionist stuff#not wording this well but#like you dont have to like her stuff#this isn't a stan post and she is a celebrity#i do not know her she's not my friend and she's not some glowing beacon of perfection meant to lead the queer movement or some shit#bc that's not how people work#yes not even celebrities#gasp#but people being like she's so disney she's so tame unlike CHARLIE who has sex and does drugs#idk man#also ms. roan has like#songs about fucking women/wanting to fuck women like that is very much a thing she has in her songs#her songs being poppy and not to everyone's tastes does not make them tame or devoid of sexuality et al.#and like hearing a song by a lesbian talking about wanting to fuck women and then hearing it played by people just casually#smth about that feels good idk#also being like 'chappell roan got the gay people who think steven universe is a war crime and charlie xcx got all the cool gays who do dru#is uh#well it's just a stupid and dumb statement is the thing#also the comments about drag are showing such a reductionist baby view of drag anyway!#whatever#chappell roan#idk it feels like lesbians are given this huge hurdle to step over in terms of not being hated on lmao#and i can't put it into words but the positioning of charlie xcx against her in this context feels...bad#wait also everyone I know likes both of them lol
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i feel like a lot of people forget athena's role in the final case of dual destinies. did no one else feel deep-seated horror when it was leading up to and finally showed that athena had tried to help her mother in the only way she knew how considering her detachment from other humans...
#like. it's very easy to joke abt her randomly dropping european phrases in her words but it is evidently extremely important to her#how she interacts with people now; learning abt their cultures. their language. trying to understand how she'll fit in with all of that#so that she never accidentally harms someone again bc of a fundamental misunderstanding when she /can't/ read them as she usually does#as was the case with her mother who was. well. already dead#gently puts my head in my hands. i'm so tired so idk how my words are but you get what i mean#jestersvaguely#aa posting
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public transit... *collapses to the floor*
#rich ppl have a disdain for it and it's so nonexistent in white suburbia but then you go to where rich people vacation.#public transit is so good at where they have vacation. free shuttles every 10 20 minutes. free! free!!!#I'm struggling to put the words together to make myself sound coherent but ultimately it's hypocrisy of the upper class#it's probably a bigger issue than just that really. obviously policy is not entirely dictated by individual and idk#it's just rahhh i wish public transit was like that everywhere! buses to go around towns! subways connecting towns! and cheap!! free even!!#there's also the issue of the loss of public spaces and loss of the concept of public in general#the other day there were kids screaming obscene stuff on the train for a whole 30 minutes. ppl were annoyed and everything#but one person's defense of their behavior on the train was dude you're taking public transit. and idk why that's. idk.#is a respectful peaceful transit also now a privilege only the rich can enjoy? only if you can afford a car and parking in the city?#the argument is that precisely because it's a public space that we all benefit from we have the duty to respect and protect it#because if the public space is uninhabitable then that's when inequality grows very apparent#you have to maintain it for the sake of everyone but especially those who might not want to or can't access the private#these kids themselves can't drive a car. if the public transit was hostile to them what other choice do they have for commute?#it's a failure of our society and education that we don't understand how important it is to protect the public spaces#by ridding of the public it's a fuck you to the children the elderly the poor the disabled or anyone caught in an unfortunate circumstance#twist your ankle accidentally? sucks for you. there are no benches here. to sit you must go buy a drink at a cafe.#car broke down? too bad. take an expensive uber to work because the public transit is broken down#having good public facilities is a safety net against drastic inequality and even then we don't have it done well enough#but societal issues take time to fix and I'd like to hope it's going in a better direction
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ouhhh i'm turning into my grandmother [chewing on wriggley's gum]
#just me hi#the wrigglerrrr#love the word wriggle btw. prolly cuz the W is there but ya can't hear or feel it hbhgbsh#it's like between wiggle and writhe and it's Perfect hfsh :3#//AAAnywho. yea#she's always got at least one in her purse and the wrapper is fully intact. i still don't trust it lmhvfjs#idk what that woman is putting in her bag !! she is a real enigma lol <3#/anywho like i mentioned a bit ago i've been keeping gum so i stop chewing on other things lol#this is working pretty well ! ! i've gotta remember to bring some on car rides though bc That's where i fail to catch it hghfsk#//aaaand in the other news;#watched the deadp0ol movies. dear lird hgkfjskvjg#very fun fact; when i watch stuff i like going in nearly 100% blind. i am also oriented aroace so HKSKVJ#i Did scour pirating sites until i found ones that let me watch the 3 movies lmaoo ; it took like 2 hours i think. crazy hghfs#anyway i think the first two were just a lot more fun; the energy was great !! disney kinda tuned it down for the current movie :/#iyunno. the second movie gave a lot more than the third. and also who are all these people. what's a multiverse lmvajfhvjs#the movie felt like it was on the edge of an inside joke. don't think i liked it very much compared to the other two but oh well#oh i also didn't like the time-reversal. dude what was gained gfhshv - 3rd movie doesn't even exist to me anymore. dead to me <//3#/oh i've also been watching seinfield when i eat lol :3#i was watching dungeon meshi while doing that and it was very relaxing so in the meantime!!#it's fun i like it lol :33 it's just mostly friendly but when i do think it's funny i am dying hfhvsbgh#i like kramer he is strange pfsvh#//and i think i'm gonna write rnnnn ? maaaybe!!#i have a bit of business to attend to tho [straightens my tie that just appeared] so prolly in a bit lol :)#toodles!! send me on my way !! [gets slingshot as the song plays]
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I think I'm struggling creatively because as time goes on I find less and less motivation to write (and read, tbh!) stuff that's
good wholesome queer representation
escapist everything-gets-better fantasy ("because life is hard enough why would you write about miserable things")
palatable to people who disagree with me
And obviously I'm nowhere near finishing even a single original thing yet ahdfhajf but I've been looking at publishing videos that people who have experience in the industry have made and. Man no wonder that so much milquetoast stuff gets put out nowadays
#not to be a hater and controversial but#the fact that its often straight people judging whether queer representation has problematic elements (and similar situations)#and lots of queer media seems to be made with straight people in mind (at least as a considerable portion of the audience)#and ugh in general/unrelated like. i just want to write litfic about the human condition XDD and structural inequality#but if i do it with fanfic nobody will read it because my most popular fics will always be ones where white men kiss each other for 3k word#obviously i'm grateful that anyone reads anything i write aggdhfh it's very nice to be heard#but fr my most popular fics are NOT my best ones#and yeah like if i write original fiction it's unlikely to do well in publishing because there's no hot sexy straight romance or wholesome#soft high school good representation queer people:3#maybe i can put in a red herring twink guy idk#also i'm just so bitter about linguistic inequality still XDD like. in a video abt fantasy tropes the person making the video hates they#said that they hate 'overly long fantasy names' that they can't pronounce#which just made me go 'silence anglo' mentally because omfg super often those names are just BASED ON CULTURES YOU'RE NOT PART OF#(disclaimer i know not all english speakers are ignorant hahfjsdhjfj)#but yeah its funny when old english inspired names are too hard for modern english speakers like welcome to being anyone else lol#its somehow considered a minimum requirement of knowledge to be able to pronounce names like george and matthew correctly#but then for other languages it's a special courtesy if people say names right#afujishgfis and this is just one example#rant#writing#literature
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#madre solo hay dos#ana servín#mariana herrera#shitty screencap posts (TM)#*taps microphone* is this thing on?#yeah I finally put on my big girl pants and started season 3#I wasn't planning to until I knew exactly what the endgame was to avoid any nasty surprises#but it appears I did such a good job at avoiding spoilers that I couldn't seem to find them no matter how hard I tried to run into them#(without actually going actively looking for them that is)#but I finally managed to piece together an approximate idea of what they went with via context clues and deductive reasoning#so we are a go for shitty screencap posts and tag vomit#starting with this masterpiece inspired by what ceci said#I can't believe she is the biggest in-show shipper what a stroke of genius#I am also loving the very much anti-homophobia message that's being weaved throughout#from all the times the actual word 'homophobic' was uttered in a single episode which was pretty cool#to the fact that juan carlos spend half the episode yapping about how AnA iS nOt A lEsBiAnnnnn#but the SECOND ro was like 'I'd rather my mom be a liar than in a relationship with another woman' he jumped to ana's defense#like 'yo that's messed up there's nothing wrong with your mom being gay just with her making shit up to win a lawsuit there's a difference'#and you know what there IS and I think they're toeing that line quite well idk#anyways we'll see I guess but I just had to make this because it tickled me#sorry for the shitty resolution I can never get it right for text posts le sigh
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Fucking christ
#managed to escape to bed before 11#dad put on some american thing and then went out to help my grandparents' carer with my grandad getting to bed#im pretty sure my stepmum's upped her methodone to cope with being alcohol sober for the first time in at least 20 years#shes falling asleep and slurring her words just the same as she always has#idk we don't talk about it#idk if dad's done the same but he's very proud of not having had a drink for 6 months#anyway i woke her up so there'd be less bother about me going to bed#and she gets me a pillow cs i didn't have one and is like#and is talking about like my dad goes out to help his parents every night (in a tone of voice of isn't it awful)#and how my nan's looking better than she was - which is good obviously#but i can't help thinking of the other week my nan couldn't breathe or really talk and rang my stepmum to help her#because she couldn't breathe and thought she was dying#and my stepmum told her like. all as if it's trouble. oh well i can't stay long ive got things to do.#to an old woman who's lungs are full of fluid. who can't breathe. and thinks she's dying.#anyway.#im going to do my best not to think about any of that#oh also one of the characters in the american thing dad put on is trans and my stepmum was immediately like oh dyou think she's a man?#no. no i do not think she's a man. fuck offfffff#anyway. anyway.#i am. going to turn my brain off from stress by watching death in paradise
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@lizardthelizard You wanted my thoughts, you're getting them 😏 Three and a half weeks later but you're still getting them ehehehe 😌😌😌 (Idk what to make of them so have fun with that word wall of mayhem)
August 2.18 | Zelena 3.16
#OKAY I'VE BEEN RUMINATING ON THIS FOR LIKE. a MONTH now#And meant to reblog this the next day but Just couldn't find the words for it at all#I still don't have them tbh but I just cannot stop thinking about this post since it first cropped up#I don't even know what to really put that doesn't sound like a repeat of our beloved shared mutual's thoughts (hello Libby <333)#Because she's RIGHT that parallel here is insane#They are one of the two characters in the whole show who's negative emotions#or “bad” actions have physical repercussions for them (“bad” in quotations because August was basically being human)#And it's SUCH an interesting thing to see especially looking at other characters in the show#Who don't have that going on even when they commit acts maybe even far worse#Yes one could maybe argue that hearts darkening is another method of “the darkness” manifesting in someone#but the heart isn't always shown#One can't always witness it unless it's shown#Because one can't always see what is inside one's heart one could say#I'm not trying to excuse anyone or anything here#but in the end It is still an internal manifestation compared to those who's acts of sin-so to speak-are shown outwards#on their very flesh and being#Hell though even the Dark One has that going on tbh. repercussions shown on the outside#(the scaly skin that starts showing on Nimue after she murdered Vortigern.#Rumple and his eventual appearance. and even Emma's hand. when they used I guess extreme dark magic)#(Or magic that should have heavy repercussions; for Emma it being a life for a life)#But for Zelena and August it's fascinating cause one is a manifestation of a very real but intensifying human emotion#That yeah can have you committing foul acts but as an emotion itself it's just something that exists. It's still a human experience#While the other is a manifestation of him falling to temptations#Almost like a shown symbol of shame for them both that they failed to keep themselves in check#It's freaking making me go insane but ohooooooo I keep thinking about it day and night really#ALSO MARI HIIII THE MENTION OF RUMPLE AND BLUE!!!!! I did NOT miss that either#idk WHAT to put on that for now but I am LOOKING at that comparison with great intrigue as well!!!! 👀👀👀#anyhow OG OP I'm very sorry for this random spill of thoughts in the tags but uhhhhh yeah JAHRKECRILXU
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my review of Moonwalk: hot mess. ★★★.
#i will refer to it#but oh god... it's just#1st of all. the added afterword from 2009 should have been a FOREWORD bc it gives you the context for how this book was made#so they did have a real writer put it together based on long transcripts of interviews one of the publishing people did with mj#if those tapes exist or pieces of then exist i need to find them. i think i've seen some floating around#bc ... the way it's written sounds very michael. it's not well written. so i'm surprised they even had an actual writer do it#but that makes me think maybe the writer just pulled a lot of exact wording from the tapes?#i hope that's how it happened#like the publishing lady said i Also wish michael had been devoted to this project. this could've been really good#i'm interested in anything that comes straight from michael so ultimately i'm just grateful he did a book at all#and really WAS involved in it#but it just. it's a mess. it's disorganized. it's disjointed#it just does not deliver in so many ways#there were so many times i would read a couple paragraphs and be like. wait What. that went Nowhere#there are really wonderful parts of course too#first of all i'm happy to hear him talk about parts of his life he didn't necessarily talk about that much#i find everything he says about motown and esp the mid-late j5 motown years Supremely interesting#everything written about music and dancing and performing is great. seeing the way he thinks about those things. divine. enlightening.#the thing is. the tone is extremely defensive and passive aggressive throughout the whole book#which is amusing and i mostly like it. michael jackson was one petty and spiteful mf. he loved being right and he reiterates that a lot#but bc of the press treatment of more personal things like his appearance and relationships. those parts are just. eugh#like when it comes to music/dance/performance he can defend himself no problem. concrete evidence that he's fucking awesome and he knew it#he brings up dating and stuff and it feels like he was like. floundering. maybe he just couldn't decide how much to share?#idk it just feels like. he won't outright SAY some things but he'll sort of hint at things. and i can't tell if what he's hinting at#is the real truth or him being defensive and wanting to give the impression that he was 'normal' so people would just leave him alone#i can't tell. i really can't. i wanna just believe him but i'm like. wtf do you mean. and then there'll be inconsistencies#like WHAT R U TRYING TO SAY. you might as well just tell me what you WANT me to think and what you want people to stop bothering you about#ok anyways#it definitely feels like they rushed to get it out asap#i have like 10 questions for every page. i feel like a writer/editor should've been working with him in that way
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i wonder what will happen to wei after these japan promotions end haha will we ever see them again 😀
#wei#no news about dae's enlistment but this comeback was very final sounding#d word sounding if you will#and junseo crying during their last performance and also tearing up on bubble live after told me a lot of things#i hate that love2you was so low effort#the mv editing was so bad in an almost comical way#you could tell oui ent dgaf#and they used the nastiest whitening filter#and they gave them the most basic outfits#filmed it all in one day at one place and called it quits#and the fact that they didn't even let them promote in korea???#no wonder it flopped#whatever happens in the future i hope things go well for them#im pretty sure dongdae contracts end next year so i wonder how that negotiation will go 🤡#they surely can't promote with just yongha seokhwa and junseo#considering#yohan wont be there half the time#idk#i miss old wei who actually had time and effort put into them by their company and stylists#may speaks
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soo crazy how after about a year and a half of leaning heavy on my family because my mom died and i was falling apart i am now pretty sick of the majority of them lol. like i finally fell in with them properly because the circumstances were right for it and uhhh turns out they're bad. can't stand em. lowkey. not good people, like for OTHER people they're not. but also me personally they're not good for me to be around. so now i know lol. 😵💫
#my cousin was telling me about something happening with her mom rn and i can't even put it into words nor do i know what to think#or how to act#and there's nothing to be done but just sit with it#and i'm unhappy to know it#and it's second-hand! like it's not even my burden to bear and i'm just 🫥#and we also talked about my parosmia bc she bought a salad that smelled so unspeakably bad#and she was like you should have told me and i was like i didn't know for sure that it would smell bad#and i don't feel comfortable demanding you not eat around me unless i approve of what you choose like that's crazy#and she was like well i would! if i was in your position i definitely would#so i was like yeah i guess. i guess i'm just used to people having bad reactions when i even bring it up.#and she was like yeah <other cousin> thinks you're faking it#and i knew obviously. because of the way she acts. but jesus christ.#that's so so mean to even think. such a misunderstanding of me as a person but also just. literally fucking mean.#and that's how she is with everything#she wouldn't believe in a snake if it bit her#and if we had spent more time together we would've talked about all the other people i can no longer particularly stand#god what a bummer#they were a much better support system when they were hypothetically supportive#presumed supportive#adam yaps#also i love the cousin i was hanging out with today very very dearly but she has low emotional regulation#and it drives me slightly fucking insane at times :') like can you please keep it together for a few hours :')#but that. might be my own internal issue that eye need to work on... like other people's emotions shouldn't affect mine maybe#or maybe i'm right and it's fucking annoying to hang out with someone who's very vocal when they're not having a good time lol idk 🤷
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um possibly kinda early in the week for such a topic but i don't think i have an entirely normal relationship with death and grief and i find my apathy a little disconcerting
#idk. half my grandparents died before i was born and a third when i was only like 4. i spent most of my conscious life untouched by death#last one died recently and i just felt relief bc she had been dragging (lack of better word) for months and it was fucking my family up bad#like my mom texted me to tell me and i didn't reply bc i could only think of saying 'ok' and she would not take that well#and now my dog's dying too bc she's 16 and she's not at home bc we're remodelling and i can't take care of her on my own anyway#and idk do i want to visit her in another town before she kicks it? i think i should want to but it's gonna be a pain in the ass to go#am i really just putting my short term convenience above seeing the dog i've lived with for most my life for the last time#i think i am yeah. this is kinda fucked actually right? more conflicted about this than with my damn grandma. didn't go to her funeral#oh well. sorry to be a bummer on tunglr dot edu. all my friends are at work so i can't very well call any of them rn#i think i'll try and get lunch with one of them but idk if he's the one i wanna talk about this with...
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all my bioware ocs would be more narratively interesting with a different love interest -_- but I'm not doing that.
#actually I can't imagine Noah and Reyes being that interesting.#idk I'm not that interested in Reyes and there's little enough there that I'm not sure how he's going to react to a lot of stuff#Noah is pretty self-righteous and he's going to be like. Okay Kadara still looks awfully similar like two days later.#and frankly I just can't imagine Noah staying with Reyes after he lied. He's not doing this he's not dating his father#Noah can be very nice and understanding in a lot of ways but he's not going to handle letting Sloane die#after promising to watch her back very well. Reyes needs to pay out a *lot* for that. Not just some words.#putting Keema partly in charge is a good step in the right direction but not enough to win Noah over to liking him.#hard to imagine Noah ever liking him like that
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