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Miles having almost lost Kaidan on more than one occasion and having lost several people he cared about recently because he was slipping (or so he's convinced) vs Kaidan having lost Miles once before in a situation where he left Miles behind because Miles ordered him to. Fight.

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This is the most stilted awkward conversation ever. I always forget I have my own version of what Miles and Kaidan say to each other on Mars and after

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Queering having a bachelorette party in a gay club by having it actually be the token gay friend who's getting married and it's his party and the girls are with him

Jack and Wrex fighting over who's throwing Ezra a party...

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I keep thinking “oh I need to clean up/delete this blog” and then I browse my own posts and I’m like oh…they are all my children…even this one post of mine I don’t like is exquisite…

It’s fun having a collection of my random thoughts and seeing what I was into a few months ago and continuing that thought.

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Like on a more serious note. The circumstances are kind of awful but he and Steve have found each other and it means a lot to him and it does make him. Happier that he lived after all.

I was about to say “Liara saved him” but it doesn’t feel right to say that, even still I don’t think Ezra can think of it like that, and neither does Liara.

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#like legitimately. He doesn't forgive her but he's tired of being pissed at her and he's ready to move on.#It was fucked up. It's not okay. Things are okay between them.#and Liara not wanting his forgiveness. Not bothering to disrespect Ezra so boldly as to apologize#he is not an “the ends justify the means” type of renegade. Is what I mean.#and like. It's not perfect. But it's enough. They'll make it work. Whatever that means.

Well. I shouldn't say Ezra isn't a "the ends justifies the means" person because he very much can be, but he also isn't in ways that sometimes surprises people (like letting the rachni queen go).

But on the other hand. This makes sense for Liara to say. For Liara to think of him like that.

And I think eventually. During the Citadel dlc he invites her over to the apartment.

"Look, Liara. It all worked out in the end, and thanks to you, we might actually win this thing. I guess I... I'm finally tired of being mad at you."

(He'll choke on saying "I forgive you", because I think really he still doesn't sometimes, it still feels like such an unforgivable betrayal when he thinks about it, but he misses Liara and wants to let it go.)

And Liara might say something like, "So the ends justify the means? You've never really believed in that."

Because despite how much of a tough guy Ezra is, he's not really a renegade in the ways that matter to me, he's fairly paragon and upstanding and like... yeah, he actually thinks integrity and how a thing goes down matters, to borrow Kaidan's phrasing. Not that Ezra won't ever make a choice he's not proud of; he's no saint.

But I like that Liara knows this of Ezra and...never really seeks forgiveness from him; partly because, in truth, she isn't sorry. She knew what she was doing and did it anyway; apologizing too much would only further disrespect Ezra. And thus, she doesn't really feel like she deserves his forgiveness; and she was willing to accept that, when she handed Ezra over to Cerberus.

And anyway Ezra will just kind of shrug and say, "I miss you more than I'm pissed at you. That's enough, isn't it? Especially if this ends up being the end."

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God especially after Toombs. Like. Ezra's going to be livid. Liara knows damn well Ezra wouldn't have wanted her to hand his body over to Cerberus like that.

"It was them or the Collectors!"

"Then you should've fucking cremated me!"

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#never considered Kaidan or Ashley having a response to learning Liara handed them over to Cerberus...#Ashley might be hotter about that than Ezra or Tali. Even though she *is* an 'ends justify the means' type more than Ezra#a part of her will be impressed for sure#I think Kaidan would let it go/doesn't really have time to learn it and then internalize it#but he would be like. 'I can't believe she handed him over to Cerberus'#but Kaidan feels like he'd be a hypocrite to complain. And he's used to holding a complicated view of Cerberus

Honestly I think even Tali is going to be like 'what the fuck' at Liara handing his body over to Cerberus with the promise they'd bring him back to life.

Like I don't think a Shepard who resents Liara for that is going to be entirely alone in that regard.

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#like she's no Terra Firma zealot. Her concerns are practical and grounded. So she has to believe#and I think she's in a funny place with Liara handing Ezra over to Cerberus because she *does* find it abhorrent#and would personally have *never* done that to Ezra. Wouldn't have allowed it to be done.#But there's a part of her that gets it. There's a part of her that recognizes Liara gambled and it *worked*#just like a part of her gets exactly why Ezra was working with Cerberus despite everything and also acknowledges that it worked#I think this is something she and Ezra will talk about over drinks. Where the lines are. When should they be pushed.#What are results worth. She's already occasionally self-conscious about their differences in moral compasses#Ezra often surprises her with the things he'll get sentimental about; his sympathy towards the Geth most of all#because it's not like Ezra never does a shitty thing for a greater good. (or because he's pissed off)#and letting the rachni queen go. Something she'll never agree was the right choice but won't argue against.#They go back and forth about those sorts of things from time to time but never in a mean way; they respect each other's positions

Despite being a renegade "ends justify the means" type of soldier, I think Ashley has to have her black and white feelings towards Cerberus as a sort of, she has to have lines even she won't cross. She has to have something to point at and go, at least I'm not that.

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"She was right. I never would've handed you over to Cerberus, but Liara did. And she was right!"

"It worked out, and it almost didn't. If Miranda had had her way-"

"But she didn't. Cerberus brought you back, just like you were."

"The good and ugly, for better or worse."

"For better. You got the collectors, and then got the hell out of there with an awesome crew, an upgraded Normandy-"

"You talked to Karin."

"-And now we have a shot at beating the Reapers!"

"If your point is that I should thank Liara-"

"You don't owe her anything. I'm just saying-"

"She did the damn thing. She did the fucked up awful thing, knowing full well how shitty it was, how pissed it would make me, that I'd never forgive her for it...and she decided she could live with that. Nice sweet baby Liara decided that, and it worked, and the world is better for it, including me. And if you'd been in her shoes, you'd have shown me the proper respect and let me stay dead, and you'd have absolutely nothing to show for it."

"And what are we supposed to do with that?"

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"You never asked me about the relay incident."

"Figured you didn't want to talk about it."

"But I wanted to talk about Cerberus?"

"That was different-"

"Why? That's the real reason they kept me in lockup, not Cerberus. Why didn't that matter to you?"

"Because what I needed was to be sure that you were you, and that I could trust you."

"And blowing up a mass relay and a Batarian colony with it didn't seem out of character? Thanks for that, Ash."

"To stop the Reapers? The Ezra I knew certainly wouldn't have liked it, but if he really had to? Yeah. And if you were the real Ezra, you'd hate yourself enough for it already that bringing it up would be pointless. Why the hell did you bring it up?"

*laughs* "Because I hate myself."

"You did the only thing you could do, skipper. If I were in your shoes, I'm not sure I could've-"

"Oh, come on Ash, a bunch of Batarians? To stop the reapers?"

"Alright, fine, I could've done it. I probably wouldn't have even regretted it. Wouldn't have even hesitated. Are you happy? I'm Ashley Williams and I'm a xenophobic alien hater and you're a saint, does that make you feel better?"

"A little."

"Eat me."

...

"No one ever really brings it up. And if they do, it's to reassure me, 'You did what you had to.' Everyone says it. No one ever calls me a monster, says "how could you do that", no one really cares. Hell, I barely regret it. How could I? They were dead anyway. It just...feels like more people should give a shit. Feels shitty that they don't."

"Maybe people keep saying that because you actually did the right thing, and for once everyone's being grateful instead of giving you shit. You should enjoy it while it lasts."

"I tell you Williams, you're gonna make a better Spectre than me."

Ashley set her drink down and glared at Ezra, who smirked back at her, unfazed. It was clearly an accusation; one she wasn't sure how to answer, so she settled for the tried and true method of throwing her drink in his face.

"Well, we know Cerberus didn't take away your ability to ruin a fun night."

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nothing sluttier than lighting up a cigarette immediately after an absolutely brutal fight and inhaling deeply before exhaling the smoke with a sigh of relief while still disheveled and covered in blood and coming down from the adrenaline high. you could literally have sex onscreen and it would be less erotic.

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#extremely funny to think to myself just how much that kind of talk would not work on Ezra.#every once in a while. I think 'they should swap love interests'. For archetypal reasons#but here's the thing. Ezra would simply not find Kaidan that attractive. And that's what's most important.

None of these lines would work very well on Ezra but he would get a kick out of "why don't you roll over here and find out."

"When did you turn into such a slut?"

I always forget the source of my feelings on Kaidan stem from how he is in the base game, in me1 and when he first propositions you and in a few other segments in me3, where he's kind of goofy and awkward in an endearing way...and then by the end of the game he's throwing Shepard on the mattress, and in the dlc he's just a full blown whore slut I barely recognize.

"You gotta let me practice flirting with you later" -> "Why don't you roll over here and find out" like hello for the love of god hello who is this man

(Not that these things ever have to be separate of course - "I lied, I didn't come here for a quick drink" to 5 seconds later throwing Shepard on the bed. Being goofy is sexy. I just feel like there's a difference in Kaidan's confidence levels between things.)

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Fuck I just remembered Miles doesn't have Garrus. Uhhh he's taking James and EDI I guess.

"Has James ever fought Geth before? At least take Liara with you."

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And like it's this whole *thing* like the get together either right before or really close to Rannoch, and there's like 10 different close calls when they're on that Geth Dreadnought.

Miles has to walk across that tubing in space. It's hell for him, immediately makes him think of the last Normandy going down, but he's not going to say that of course, just power through it. Almost falls into space, and he's not going to let that slow him down either.

Then of course he's in the dreadnought alone for a bit before Kaidan and Tali come aboard; then there's the elevator; there's the main battery where Shepard is the last to get through the door; and then they both almost die when Garrel decides to attack the ship while they're still aboard.

A very stressful set of things to happen to them and it really doesn't stop there at all.

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Funny how often I get self-conscious about how I write Miles and Kaidan together and then I look at my notes and go oh this is amazing I gotta spend the next hour thinking about them.

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#saw a gif of a dude pulling another guy clothes on into the shower with him and it made me think of this #puts Miles on his knees. Doesn't even have to say anything for Miles to start sucking him off #apology blowjob. #Miles looks up to him and Kaidan can't fathom how he could ever be angry at this man #then he contemplates losing him and gets upset again #Kaidan was a little rough with it btw. But Miles took it like a good boy.

Whoops I'm thinking about this again and how Miles makes the sweetest neediest doe eyes at Kaidan, the desperate wordless "Is this right? Is this what you want?" and Kaidan just places a hand on Miles' head and that's all the reassurance he needs to go at earnest.

Kaidan thinks to himself that he needs to turn the water off, but he likes the feel of it too much, helps him stay grounded and focused on the moment. Not on how it felt when he realized Miles wasn't coming back to the transport with him. When Miles left him behind (again) (again) to stand face to face with a Reaper on his own.

He realizes he's holding the back of Miles' head hard and softens his grip, pulls back a bit to give Miles a chance to breathe; but Miles ends up just pulling his hips close again, holding him tightly; afraid to let go? Eager for punishment? Kaidan just shuts his eyes, stops his brain and gives Miles whatever he can.

(A part of Kaidan knows he can't keep being like this. Shepard is their Commander, whatever his own rank might be; it's Shepard's job to get the mission done. Everything's on Shepard. Made it to Major and he's still stuck in this position of trailing after Shepard, but being Major means he knows how this works, and he knows better than to be clinging to Miles so hard, to take it so personally when Miles charges off like the leader he is, to put his feelings before duty. Kaidan has spent most of his life keeping his emotions in check, head clear and focused on the mission; but where did that lead him? On an escape pod while Shepard blew up. He's earned a little greed, a little love, and letting that one little crack in the dam has blown the whole thing wide open, and he can't stop feeling and loving and needing and fearing, all at once, every time he looks at the man.)

And then when they’re tired of arguing they just make out sloppy.