#idk???? i hashed this out mostly to settle my own thoughts

[ssaalexblake]

This week on STP.  Soap Opera: Picard commences.

(imagine me staring an 100 yard stare) 

Not even gonna go there. If I wanted to read this type of plot, I would go read it where it belongs... In a fanfic. Eh. I am withholding judgement for now under the technicality that assumptions are not canon and i’m not sure if i’m being generous to the writers for giving them the benefit of the doubt or if i’m grasping at the last few straws i have, but here we are. 

Mostly, as somebody who isn’t even a tng lover i feel bad for what is apparently being done to beverly here like damn, really??

amanda plummer aced every second of screen time she had, kudos! Was legit threatening and nice visual references, also. 

Michelle Hurd also has me by the Neck. Raffi’s been mistreated so bad. This never should have been a thing she was told to do for very valid reasons. Also, in a vaguely introspective way i’m like okay Section 31... The people working for it probably aren’t the kind of people all steeped in starfleet principles. Which is why Raffi can’t do it. She is too principled of a person. 

Honestly thought the computer handler was threatening Raffi with that comment about another body. Was legit surprised she just managed to turn the screen off. 

The convo with the ex annoyed me because like, from the character exploration they did with Raffi last season there are canonically a few good reasons her family aren’t in contact with her that are legitimately a ‘her problem’ kind of thing. This is not what happened here and i felt they unintentionally leant into some uncomfortable sexist notions when doing it. And they could easily have made that less infuriating by just leaning on last season’s work instead. But then again, from the ex’s clientele it looks like he’s not like... The Most Moral Dude Ever? Actually... going back to S1 and Raffi’s son being on hyper-futuristic-capitalism-neon-hell-planet does actually speak to certain implications i’d not thought of until this. So fine, sense was made, but this is one of those things that’s more annoying for being Mostly fine but needing tweaking imo than something just straight up annoying that i could just write off easily.

Anyway, Raffi’s problem is she is genuinely a very good person and can’t stand to watch this shit without trying to help or fix it. Which while noble, doesn’t negate all her issues, but it sucks to see her get kicked down for being the only one who cares. I feel so hard why she was so Furious with Picard in S1 now. This is a sucky story to watch but yeah yeah it works with the context of the rest of the show, which I can’t say necessarily about a lot of other things in nostalgia bait s3. Standing ovation for our last remaining new character standing. May you remain standing till the very end. Preferably with Seven. 

riker: why are you avoiding this???

picard: avoiding what???

me with fingers in my ears: yeah, avoiding what????

i next to never agree with picard (I tolerate him mostly) but sometimes he has his moments and the denial was one of them.

anyway, i think we can conclude that Shaw’s issue (aside from being a snide little butthead) is that he’s not meant for command. Not even in an insulting way, but somebody who can’t own their own decisions (blaming seven for the orders He gave, no matter how clear she was about her own feelings or the situation was out of line bc He still gave the orders) and then goes on to look the happiest he is the whole episode when an admiral forcibly takes control of his ship probably is not suited for the big chair. 

i feel very bad for laughing at the head thing. 

[stressedlawsecretary]

Today's Focus

12.13.24 - So yesterday I should have done one of these, but didn't because I forgot to do my everything shower on Wednesday, so had to do it yesterday morning so I could be ready for the office holiday party. I so fucked up on Wednesday; we moved takeout day around and I was supposed to make a Bavarian apple-sausage hash but realized I 1) didn't pick up the sausage and 2) did not have the apples in the house I thought I did. I'm hoping today is a good day and my routine straightens itself out. Two days of being fucked up isn't good for me.

Work - Since I did not get snowed in (I live north of where the snowstorm hit) I am actually in the office despite the WFH provisions; this is because I know there's a mailing that needs to go out today and I have the accessibility to get here. I'm stuck in reception even though it's not my day to cover because Rena (this is her nickname) isn't going to be able to get in easily due to the snow in her area; lord only knows when she's leaving for the day, and the receptionist has phone accessibility at her WFH setup, but somebody needs to be here for mail/personal service. The receptionist is going to leave a couple hours early so we'll have to cover phones then, but we're also having a problem with incoming calls so fingers crossed Verizon doesn't get its shit together and I take zero phone calls all day. I have seen some of the renovations though, since the criminal side of the office is almost complete, and OMG the cubicle upgrade is amazing; I can't wait til I get my own back with the standing desk and the fancy monitor setup and shit.

Background Noise - In the office so heavily binging YT; yesterday my watching was awful between all the shit I was attempting to do - I did only about four hrs of my own on the DVR (instead of the average of six) and only three YT videos. At least I manage to keep up on the news.

Extras - It is Friday, so I have to clean the catbox and prep it for the weekend; discovered my poor girl has fleas (Idk how; they don't go outside and it's wintertime right now. There's snow on the ground ffs) so dosed her yesterday with a treatment to get rid of them. Managed to get 90% of the garbage in the house out to the curb yesterday, but it pissed me off so bad I quit and said the rest of it can wait until next week. I have frozen stuffed clams to bake for dinner, so at least that will be easy; I need it to be because I'm trying to watch four more episodes of OOO today so I can stay on top of my schedule.

This weekend is mostly downtime, but hunny and I are going to the Festival of Lights tomorrow before we settle down for some Rankin-Bass Christmas movies.

[thetriggeredhappy]

85 for EngieSpy please, also I'm a sucker for same faction

as a brief insight into the way stuff is rn i wrote and am posting this before i head to work in the morning and thats probably a commentary on my writing effort idk. (warnings for sappiness)

85.) “Take my jacket. It’s cold outside.”

One of the things Engie simply needed to get used to with Spy was how particular he was about keeping clean.

He didn’t shower with everyone else, Engie was aware. He knew that because he knew the layout of the pipework on the base, and knew that there was another bathroom branching from Spy’s smoking room. He wasn’t sure how one would access it—maybe from the room directly via hidden entrances, maybe from somewhere else nearby. But Spy showered often, and he made trips often into town to get his clothes dry-cleaned and pressed. And when they were stationed away from civilization for a while, he knew Spy kept up the habit, washing and ironing his clothes himself.

That was one thing that did make Engie curious, though. The fact that Spy was so particular about staying pristine, and yet still he so often went to be with Engie in his workshop. Home to grease and oil and sawdust and rust and metal, always smelling faintly of spray paint.

He’d decided that there were a few options to explain what might be going on.

Firstly, that Spy was indeed a cleanly person, and just liked Engie enough to put up with his workspace, aware that he really did enjoy his work and therefore couldn’t be pulled away from it very easily.

Secondly, that perhaps Spy’s cleanliness was a charade, and he didn’t particularly care in any real way, and it was just something used to exude an air of superiority much in the same way his scalding speech and calculated body language did.

Thirdly, Spy’s cleanliness was something enforced in much the same way that a good portion of his secrecy was, that it was part of his job description in a similar way that Soldier’s involved him marching the halls and Sniper spending time in the watchtower and Scout running errands for everyone and Heavy being a peacemaker.

Well, that last one probably wasn’t in Heavy’s job description. He was just like that naturally. Regardless.

He tended to favor the first one, even if he was aware that believing it was the first one just made him a downright sap of a romantic. But in terms of being sappy and romantic, he’d never really beat the Frenchman, he knew. He settled for little gestures instead, leaving all the roses and candles and grand declarations to the other man to do.

Admittedly, as much as his grimy workshop was surely a hassle for Spy to deal with, there were things that Spy was about that he himself didn’t so much work well with. In the same way Spy balked at leaning on a sawdust-covered workbench, Engie fidgeted at headed out to nice dinners and the like for dates.

He’d grown up in a small town in the middle of nowhere—there was a price to privacy for a family of born-and-bred geniuses—and due to his grandfather’s and father’s paranoia and overall seclusion he never even really knew about having guests over. Dressing to the nines and headed to a restaurant so expensive they didn’t list prices, sampling wines and sitting with elbows always off the table and never pouring his own water and staring down at far too many forks before him, it was downright stressful. And worst of all that stress meant he often slipped, forgot the purpose of him being there, forgot to focus on his date.

So he made Spy do yet another compromise. At least half of their dates were decided by Engie rather than him. So he settled for small diners, family-owned types of places, full of the smell of the same coffee and the same pancakes and the same bacon and the same hash browns that had been served the past twenty years of the establishment being open. Places where instead of a suit plucked straight off a walkway in Europe, he wore a pair of pants stained with paint around the knees, and a long-out-of-style jacket that had been far too big for him when he’d nabbed it from some hapless frat boy in college and only now in his later years when he’d put on equal parts muscle and fat was starting to fit correctly.

Spy’s habits died hard. Engie was half sure he didn’t own a single shirt without buttons (besides his undershirt, but Engie was fairly sure walking out in that may as well have been the equivalent to walking outside in boxers), and his pants were spotless and pressed, and his shoes were shiny. But he did roll his sleeves up to his elbows, and didn’t tuck the shirt quite to neatly, and didn’t even bring a vest, which was a considerable leap down from the suits that he wore whose prices rivalled that of his old, beaten-down stick-shift truck.

Most often, Engie asked him out to breakfast. He didn’t necessarily have an opinion on most restaurants, but he knew when a diner had good breakfast food, and the one in town (at least, the one without wanted posters) most certainly did.

Sometimes he did ask Spy to dinner, though, on busier weekends, if only for the very different feeling of it.

Leaving one of the nice restaurants Spy was so kind as to take him to, Engie was still stiff, still just a bit embarrassed by the looks he’d garnered with his thick accent and his version of politeness, and wide awake as a result.

But walking out of one of those little diners, stomach full of food that was mostly grease, usually late at night (the places often being open until halfway between dusk and dawn), Engie was always relaxed, feeling well at ease, well calmed, satisfied.

He did watch as Spy surreptitiously tried to pull his sleeves down to cover more of his arms, a half-step behind as Engie went to the counter to pay. Night in the desert was a bitter kind of cold, the kind of cold that animals had to have evolved to tolerate, and suddenly Engie was a bit sympathetic towards the fact that the other man hadn’t brought his layers with him for once.

Waiting for his change, Engie finally just sighed, looking over Spy. Twig like him would practically freeze to death walking to the truck, let alone waiting for it to kick on what meager heat it could provide.

All at once he was shrugging off his jacket, pulling himself free of his sleeves, ignoring the goosebumps jumping up on his now-bare arms in protest. “Take my jacket. It’s cold outside,” Engie said simply.

Spy looked almost startled, holding up a hand and shaking his head on almost instinct. “Oh, I couldn’t possibly—“ he started to deny.

Engie rolled his eyes, draping the thing around Spy’s shoulders before he could further protest. He noted the slight bend Spy put to his back in order to allow such a thing. “Just take it,” he said, allowing himself a little smile.

He was somewhat surprised by the way Spy didn’t immediately start inspecting the coat over his shoulders, instead crossing his arms across himself to grip at it, pulling it on more securely, and looking over Engie’s face. He looked at his expression carefully, then glanced over his now-bare arms, then back to his face again.

Engie shrugged under the scrutiny, smile widening a touch. Spy fought back a smile of his own and pulled the jacket tighter over his shoulders. It didn’t fit in the slightest. It made Engie chuckle.

They left the tip and left the establishment, headed for Engie’s truck, parked on the far side of the parking lot out of a paranoia that never quite left when they got off the battlefield.

It was something Engie didn’t really think about until the moment it happened.

He stood to the left of Spy, his keys held loosely in his left hand, and all at once felt something bump the back of his hand near his wrist. He glanced down, and saw Spy’s hand there, and when he looked up, the other man was looking at him with a kind of interest. Spy’s hand bumped against his own again.

Engie grinned as he finally understood the hint, rolling his eyes in mock exasperation as he laced his fingers through Spy’s. And it was then, all at once, that he realized he didn’t really hold hands with Spy. Not while going places, and certainly not in a public area. He wondered why for a moment, if maybe it was paranoia, if maybe it was pride, but the thought fell away as Spy’s thumb brushed over top of his own idly and he realized Spy had taken off his glove.

“Thank you for the jacket,” Spy said quietly.

Engie squeezed his hand. “This isn’t my giving it to you forever,” he chided jokingly. “I’ll want it back eventually.”

Spy hummed. “Maybe someday,” he said airily, and damn him, it made the poor Engineer laugh.

Little gestures. Little ones. Maybe they were all the more important.

[scifibi]

"The youth that inherited the Earth"

I really wanted to get some thoughts out before 4x03 airs. Mostly because this line from Abby was really interesting to me for some reason, and, hopefully, I'm about to flesh out what that reason is. 

So in 4x01, Abby and Kane both realise that they are not the generation that will lead their people in the era of life on earth. This is a pretty pivotal moment, considering the adults have always been conducting themselves as Superior to the kids, because Seniority, amirite? The concept isn't new at all, but let's delve into why this moment is important. 

First off, it's important to remember that the conflict between the older and younger generations has been a central theme of the show since S1.

Note Jaha's response to the argument Bellamy and Clarke are presenting. Every single response made by an adult to something one of the 100 says on this show can easily be characterised with this one sentence -- "Thanks, but you don't fully understand." (This isn't always necessarily a bad thing, btw!) 

This is also what makes 1x11 an important (if largely underrated) episode. 

Throughout most of S1, the delinquents spend their time on the ground playing defense. They don't really taking any steps forward for themselves as a group. Really what they're doing is just hoping and waiting for the day the rest of the Ark comes down to save them, for the adults to take the burden of their own survival off their shoulders.

Witnessing the crash of the Exodus ship (1x10) changes that for good.

(Also interesting that all throughout 1x11, the delinquents are gearing up to fight back, building some of their own agency as a group, while back on the Ark, the adults are struggling just to stay alive. Almost a role reversal for the two groups.)

MOVING ON TO S2.

The Big Thing of 2x01 is reunion. 

The adults make it down to Earth, they actually manage to find some of the kids they'd sent down. Reunion should be a joyous thing. It should inspire relief, gratitude. 

Instead, the S2 premiere makes sure to remind us that this intergenerational conflict is not just going to be swept under the rug. 

The first interaction between the adults and the delinquents is basically Kane trying to reinforce the Ark way of life on Bellamy and Finn. It's a scolding, plain and simple -- "don't forget, THIS is how we do it." 

This struggle continues all throughout S2, largely between Abby and Clarke. There's far too much material to go through here, so I'll settle for the scenes that sum it up best, from 2x11:

ON TO S3.

With Clarke absent from Arkadia for most of S3, the intergenerational conflict continues on via Kane and Bellamy. 

Note the wording here.

Kane's not wrong, either. Bellamy was deliberately misled by Echo, manipulated as part of Queen Nia's vendetta against Lxa. He really did only want to save lives. 

There was rational logic to Bellamy's decisions and actions, just as there was rational logic to every law ever made and enforced on the Ark -- unquestionable execution of any and all lawbreakers, imprisonment of those who had yet to reach adulthood, even the culling of 1x05. 

Kane accepts Bellamy's decisions and actions because they were 'reasonable'. 

Bellamy doesn't. 

To make things even more interesting, Pike comes in with fresh eyes (so to speak), and immediately singles out Bellamy as the linchpin of Arkadia leadership. 

Not interim Chancellor Abby Griffin. Not 'future Chancellor' Marcus Kane. 

Bellamy Blake. 

And you know what? Kane knows it, too.

(from 3x06)

What follows is a more explicit foreshadowing of a power shift in 3x05. 

It's not just because Kane and Abby start helping Clarke rather than trying to restrain/protect/take the reins from her, either.

Everything builds up to a huge confrontation between Bellamy and Pike in 3x16.

It's important to note that this confrontation follows immediately on the heels of Bellamy trying to help Octavia out of her downward spiral. How does he go about doing this? 

"I know how you feel. I let my need for revenge put me on the wrong side. I don't want that for you." 

Bellamy's seen just how vital it is, which figure of authority you hitch your wagon to. He's spent all of S3 stuck in the (narratively) interesting position of being both a follower, and a leader. This was Bellamy's first step towards reclaiming the responsibility of setting an example for the delinquents, beginning with the person who's always been most important to him -- his sister. 

That's why this segues so nicely into his exchange with Pike.

Now, this wasn't just a mentor and his student hashing out their grievances. This was an explicit address of the disagreement in how someone of the older generation views the hostile conditions of Earth vs. Bellamy's generation.

This is a huuuuuuuge moment for the overarching intergenerational conflict.

There's a danger that comes with seeing yourself as the Good Guy, the Hero. You believe that everything you do is Right, as long as it's Justifiable. (See above re: Kane and 'reasonable choice'.)

Sometimes, you believe it so much that you forget why you're doing what you're doing in the first place.

"I don't know what I believe anymore. I just know, I have to live with what I've done."

Bellamy is learning a very important lesson here, one that not even the adults have learned in all their time and experience of being In Charge. 

Bellamy is learning that while you can rationalise your decisions and actions into dust, there will never be a way to rationalise the consequences of those decisions and actions away. 

It's a stark realisation, and not just for Bellamy. Note the camera work in this scene. Right when we think it's over, what happens?

The camera switches focus, to show Pike's reaction.

This is a really firm sign that it's not just an internal growth thing for Bellamy. It's not just individual character development.

It's a revelation borne of the younger generation, that impacts the older. 

Okay, let's wrap this up.

In the pilot, who are the ones sent down to Earth ahead of everyone else? 

The delinquents are. 

This isn't just an ~intriguing story premise~. This is the younger generation literally spearheading the way for all of their people.

IMO, it's a very deliberate choice on the writers' part, that the very first one to fall to ALIE was Jaha -- former Chancellor and leader of the Ark, the person who'd spent his entire life setting an example for the people of the older generation to follow, right down to sacrificing his own son for the good of everyone.

The survivor's mentality inherited and cemented by Jaha and his generation might have worked for them in space, but it couldn't last on Earth.

(FOR EXAMPLE, notice how besides Jasper and Raven, there was never even any question over whether any of the delinquents would ever succumb to the City of Light. Even though Jasper and Raven did cave eventually, both of their descents were built up very deliberately, over several scenes and several episodes. Why? To show their behaviour as anomalous -- i.e. none of their peers would do the same.)

(x)

As early as 1x01, Abby being punished for refusing to let Jaha die sums up the survivor's mentality that belongs to the older generation:

Following the rules > Saving someone

Because in space, the rules are what keeps everyone alive.

In 4x02, there's an explicit shift of that survivor's mentality. Bellamy powers this shift, and Clarke supports it via agreement.

(x)

To fully appreciate the magnitude of this agreement, we must understand that Bellamy and Clarke are no longer just leaders of The 100. They're now leaders of their people. Their authority has been legitimised and affirmed in 4x01, by the leaders of old -- Abby and Kane.

(x)

With this, Bellamy and Clarke effectively start S4 off by unequivocally agreeing that:

Saving someone > Following the rules 

Because on the ground, there are no rules -- at least not any that they've been taught growing up. That old mentality may have sustained them in the past, but it won't do so as they move into the future. 

This brings us to one last important question: Does this put an end to the theme of intergenerational conflict for the show?

A: No. Themes that have been in place since the beginning of a work don't just end with a line. They just metamorphosise, develop and advance into different phases and stages of the same underlying premise. 

But what's made clear to us viewers is that the younger generation of the Ark, the younger generation of the human race have to forge their own path now -- a new path, for which the foundations will be laid in S4. 

(And, idk about you, but that's pretty damn exciting.)

(x)

[survivor-all-stars-blog]

EP 7: "Today Was 100% Certified Garbage" - Abbey [ PART I ]

Those tribals could've been way worse huh? Steffen and Lydia are both safe, which is super good, and I'm glad that something went Steffen's way because now he's back in a good mood. I'm super worried for Jake now that we have this...quadruple tribal shit goin on..... in ter esting 

But over the past few days I've been trying to lay low. After my outrage at the voting immunity and then my performance in the tasks one, I knew I needed to just remove myself from the spotlight, and that's what I tried to do. Still, there's been some work to do...

I had the most awkward conversation in the world with MJ and found out that Ricardo is the one who ratted me out to Kait and I SCREAMED I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SDKFJHSFJDFSKSDH

i dont remember how much i put in confessional but basically she called me and was like "why are you talking shit about me" and IIIIIIIIIIII panicked and told the truth like about how I was so frustrated at the challenge and how she was making it obvious that her/jenn/mj are a group like?????? doesn't take nancy drew to figure that one out huh! but whatever. I told her I wasn't coming after MJ, and then she went and told MJ I WAS, and he told Lydia and she told me so I called him and was like.... I'm not.... Even though I totally am. But now Lydia is convinced that MJ shouldn't be the one to go and ??? SO whatever. If I need to work with him to save my ass, that's fine. If I can't BEAT Kait/MJ, I need to be in with them, even if they don't fully trust me,

Logan also told Lydia that I was being messy so that's fun??? I think it's funny how I deliberately disagreed with Jenn's plan during the rankings challenge just to see if I could get them to budge, but then Logan defended her and now they don't trust me as much. 

So I need to call Gage and Logan the next few days and get them to understand that I'm on their side! That'll be fun!!!!!!!!!!

Right now, I need to focus less on having control, and more on survival. I've been good about keeping an awareness of things (Jake/Steffen using their powers, etc.) but I need to get to a point where I can use the info I have.

As of right now, I do really appreciate Lydia in this game, and I don't trust anybody else so that's cool.

Alright. I've had the night. I went to bed relatively early so I didn't end up getting frustrated or spilling too much info in an act of desperation. But I'm clearly in a tenuous spot on Hudson. So here's my to-do list:

1. Leave the past in the past. Don't hold grudges for being blindsided. That's how you get voted out as a threat to flip. 2. Restore relationships. I don't think any of the people involved acted maliciously or with the intent to screw me. Because of that, I think there's some potential to work on those friendships. The bridges haven't been burned, they're just fraying a bit. Nothing a bit of preventative maintenance can't fit. And I'm hoping it really is just the surface level stuff I see, and not cracks in the fundamentals that lead to collapsing structural integrity. 3. This one is the most important: win individual immunity. When you're the sole outlier vote that's still on the tribe, a blatantly obvious target is painted on your back. But if I can force myself to be safe this round, one of those who voted Wes will have to go out of necessity.

On the Thotse tribe, things went mostly as planned. No idol came out, Jessy went by a 4-1 vote, and everything seemed hunky-dory (though I should rebuild my relationship with Jessy, too, limited as it was.) 

But then, after the comp was revealed, Wes just... lost his drive, I guess? He said he didn't have the time or patience for all these endurance comps and we should just vote him out. I'm conflicted by this, to say the least. On the one hand, he's been such a good effortless ally and a friend. He's been looking out for me and vice versa. Losing him would put me on a tribe with Jack and Lydia and, while I love both eternally to death, I'm worried there may be some enduring Denali allegiance. 

On the other hand, it would make the vote a lot easier. As much as I didn't want to vote Wes, I don't especially want to vote either of the other two. We've formed tight bonds, bonds that I really didn't fully expect to galvanize so quickly. And while I knew I wanted to work with Lydia from the jump, the reality of our tribe made it so hard. But now, there's a chance for something enduring to be built with herself, Jack and me on the ashes of Thotse.

Agh. This game is getting away from me fast. I'm lucky to have such good allies in this game, even if many are currently on other tribes or in their death throes. But for posterity's sake, let's make a list. In no specific order...

MOST TRUST: Jack, Lydia, Wes, Jenn, Kait, Logan NEAR 'MOST TRUST' BUT NOT QUITE THERE: MJ, Matt MORE TRUST THAN DISTRUST: Steven (hashed things out this morning,) Abbey. Jakey? NEUTRAL: Jimmy, Owen, Steffen (he did what he had to do to stay alive, but I'm going to have to be really cautious with him.) MORE DISTRUST THAN TRUST: Carson, Ruthie, Jessy (self-imposed, but still. Until I get the chance to clear the air, and she may even still end up here.) NEW CONFESSIONAL, WHO DIS? Gage (which is not to say total distrust, but like... our paths haven't crossed. Is he even in this game? I should at least say hi in case.), Ricardo (I actually DID forget he was in the game and only added his name after this next paragraph was already written. Oops.)

Anyway, if there's one thing I'm proud of, it's the fact that we were responsible for breaking the streak of double-booting the players who are eligible in both tribals. Wes got brutally murdered in one game, which I really wish I'd have seen and stopped. Somehow. I don't know how I could have. He seemed to have Ruthie on lock and it never even occurred to me that he wasn't especially communicative with Steven, as the latter just told me. 

I don't know that I have a lot I can do right now until people start logging in and talking back. I won't have the time or the guaranteed uninterrupted time I'll need for this kind of comp until after 4, so even practicing may be a challenge.

Sigh. Steven said it best in regards to all tribes going to TC this round – at least everyone is in the same boat. Just a pity we haven't been able control our own destiny, which we WERE doing.

I'm overdue for some good news. Please, Survivor Gods, old Gods, new Gods, Gods of every denomination, Oprah and Chester the Cheetos mascot... if you're listening, please give me a win here. I need a win so badly.

yall gonna watch this one?

im my score of 1 wowie

i have to choose between mj or ruthie, and? this is such a hard choice and either way fucks me over. itll probs be 3-1 ruthie, but it would be 2-2 for mj, and i'd probably be auto-elimed, which is NOT what i want. 

and, as for game a, jakey cant vote, so honestly i wanna go with abbey and gage and vote out jack bc he voted out jessy.

hopefully both tribals are easy, and i manage to stay, but, knowng the people on my tribes? thats not happening

Also I will clarify with Ryan when he's back but I am like 80% sure for those of you with 4 people on your tribe - in the event of a tie, you will do a challenge tiebreaker, not rocks

NVM RUTHIE WILL GO TO TIEBREAKER IF SO I MIGHT BE FINE WITH THAT DSJKSDJKSDJK

OK BUT IDK I LOVE MJ? BUT I ALSO LOVE RUTHIE? BUT I KNOW I CANT BEAT EITHER?

somehow i randomly got myself into rlly good positions on both tribes, i jut gotta hope im not exposed for being a ratty mctatty

so today was 100% certified garbage wow. i had a personal issue and i couldnt do the challenge so that was annoying. shoutout to the hosts for not striking me yall the real MVPs. ANYWAY so jakey won immunity so any plans to take him out are shot. BUT jack and I are solid?? i think?? and i think?? i got carson on board to vote out gage?? So hopefully on one tribe I got locked down. Denali is another story. my dumb ass tried to vote matt out so idk where he stands with me but he said he was willing to work with me so im gonna do whatever he wants and hope for the best ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

I can't believe there was a point in this game where I didn't want to work with MJ. He is probably the most genuine kind hearted person I have ever met and he really does care about me. Yes, we've been lucky about not having to be on a tribe together so our relationship is secret but it's so nice to have someone I can just talk to. He could be playing me, yes. But so far he has proven to me that he is a trustful ally and I do have to rely on him in some aspects of this game because his connections are glorious.

I won immunity whew :') I didn't expect to do well at all but this is such a pivotal moment that I feel like I really needed it. It's not so much pivotal in the way that it'll set a new course for the game, but it's pivotal in that with this immunity, I can hopefully lay low and let things fold out before the final 14 in each game.

Also... I'm screaming @ Jake. I thought I was good at balls, but he's the real ball enthusiast huh sfkjhdfskjfs 

Anyways... I'm super mad about the adventure. It DOES NOT. MAKE SENSE. That climbing up a volcano....would take you the same exact place....as walking along the path down a volcano??? That's fuckin RIGGED, huh? And now I know someone has that other idol, and honestly, it's probably someone with the clue. I think I'll confront Kait about it, because I know SHE had the clue... And I know from MJ that it was the same one about the colors. So there's a good chance MJ or Kait have the idol.

I talked with MJ and brought up Matt's name. I also mentioned Lydia like... trying ti make it seem like Lydia and I weren't close, which I thought is what Lydia and I agreed to do buuuut apparently MJ thought it was sketchy OOPS. Messy Owen strikes agian. But I'm pretty sure we're just gonna settle on Matt, which is fine.

On my other tribe, idk. Jenn/LOgan/myself will prob keep voting together, and I don't want to lose Gage. I talked to him tonight and I think he's someone I could hopefully gain a lot of trust from... Which means that I need to target Steven, in a way that doesn't make it obvious that I want to work with Gage. Fun times. I think I can do it, but we'll see.

As for the other tribes, I think there's nothing I can really do??? It seems Ruthie is losing both lives, Jessy is losing a life, and Abbey is losing at least one.... Lydia and I talked a lot and I really encouraged her to try to organize something to save Wes and get Jack out, but she says Wes and Pat won't go for it, and that Jack would have to volunteer to lose a life, which I don't see happening. So probably Wes will go...

As for the tribe with Carson/Abbey/Jack/Jake/Gage, Jake said ABbey is going, and I can see that, which wouold suck... Abbey is closeish with Lydia and is a good number for us (as is Wes) and I do NOT want to lose them both. I want like.... Carson/Abbey/Gage to vote Jack out, but idk if I'll have that kind of pull over Gage an Abbey to organize them like that??? And I have no clue where Jack stands.

Sooooo I guess we'll see. At least for now, I'm sitting pretty until whatever hell y'all demons throw at us next

I love Jenn Tramkellan

WHEN A BALE IS WHEACHED. 

Like Boston Rob's game being straight outta the godfather, my game is straight outta the care bears because I don't want anyone to leave!

jack fukt me and now im 95% sure im going home. i wanted to be loyal to him and pat and it fucked me over I should have said yes to carson when he wanted to vote jack. oh well i had fun, if i go ill be ok 

HOW'S MY FAVORITE HOST CHAT DOING

Anyways

here's what I have going on w/ jake right now (i sent this to him): "I want you to send this to me so I can copy + paste it to kait: "i did the rocky side of the volcano and I fell off when I tried jumping down to another path" or something like that make it sound more like... it was coming from........you! I'm gonna send that to kait and tell her that's an ~obvious lie bc Lydia went that way and she went further blah blah blah so that would make it seem like you were hiding s/t THEN I think you should go to jenn and tell her you had to do a flash game and then got to the part where you throw in a marble and tell her you threw in a different marble (not green, yellow for example) and it gave you a power and then you make that shit up!

embellish!" The plan is to make Jenn & Kait feel like Jake has a power that he can give to Jessy by telling them contradicting stories where Jake lies to me but would be telling Jenn the truth (both would be LIES!!!!), so they'll scramble and save Jessy. So there's that. Matt SHOULD be leaving Game A. I'm gonna make sure things are solid in Game B so R*thie gets blindsided hard as fuck. Called with Lydia and she called this "saving Wes" thing my plan... like.... WHEW OK GURL! As if you weren't thinking about this already!!!! Don't stroke my ego! I can do that myself. So Jack should be getting "blindsided" on Thotse and he should be OK in Game A hopefully This should all work out Quite well! ALSO even if the SAVE JESSY thing doesnt work out, i think ive gained a lot of favor with Jake this round by helping them out here so he should feel slightly closer to me moving forward and he should be PISSED @ the malaysia trio!! 

Tag yourself, I'm everyone disappearing and not responding to your messages cuz they're too afraid to make a move to remove the status quo. B O R I N G 

Literally fuck this game everyones fake as fuck

everyones playing so hard and i was so happy bc this game was so much less cliquey than i thought, but NOPE! everyones still like that and being rats, and what turned into a simple vote changed bc ruthie wants to vote me now? like, fake!

i really thought i was in a good position but now i feel like im playing too slow compared to everyone else, and i have little chance of winning and that just takes the fire out of me,  like. i just want to do something but i cant with these small as fuck tribes and these gross as fuck people.

like, jessy wants me to tell mj she has an idol so he'll tell kait. like, why? and ofc since im a dumb bitch i agree and probs fuck up my relationship with mj.

i bet everyone just sees me as a number when im trying to make actual friends and that pisses me off bc i just want to have fun but they arent letting me because i have to follow them, and im forced to vote out the ppl i like

What is even happening right now?  Because I have NO earthly idea!  Yesterday I was feeling SO bad for Steffen that I kind of came up with the idea (with a little bit of coaxing on his part) to willingly let he and Steven vote me out.  FUCK.  AM I CRAZY? WHY DID I HAVE TO COME UP WITH THAT? Now I'm paranoid that I'll end up going  on my other tribe because  MJ and Carson  seem close.  Kait says I'm fine but just.... I have this feeling.  I really think I'm so screwed tonight no matter what happens. 

Like, I just don't know what to do.  If I vote Carson with Kait and MJ I lose Carson as an ally and he is my biggest ally.  If I vote out MJ I would then lose both MJ and Kait and that.... would suck.  A lot.  Because they are good people to keep close to me in this game.  

As for my other tribe I really think I'm the one that is going to be the goner because I haven't heard from ANY of them all day today.  The smart move would be to vote out Steffen because he has one life, but he is Steffen and I really don't want to lose him, it's just an all around sucky situation and I have no idea what's happening on that tribe at the moment which probably means I'm a goner for real!  

Well, time to start chatting everyone up again to see if I can get several clues to what's going to happen tonight.  FINGERS CROSSED I STILL HAVE A LIFE OR TWO AFTER THESE TRIBALS. 

ahhh this game is so messy

Votes are due in an hour and fifteen minutes and I STILL don't know what I'm doing, rip.