#idk why this has been on my mind so much but oviobusly Stuff is Up mentally

[chemicalarospec]

Being white/East Asian is supposed to be the easy mixed-race combination because Whasians are all so exotic and beautiful, I want a Whasian baby (EW) and Asian is barely a race, so you're basically white (gross racist) and you're light-skinned, and depending on who you're speaking to, white-passing, so obviously you don't experience any real discrimination or oppression (having it easier does not mean nothing hurts us). But instead white people are comfortable saying the weirdest shit around and to you, forcing you to remember there's a gap between you and your friends, and you're not white at all, no matter what everyone tells you (so that's why you get upset at generalizations about white people that aren't true for you... they are true for real white people); but don't you dare make the mistake of thinking you're Asian at all, you fetish baby, you faker, you wannabe (when I was a kid I wanted to dye my hair black so I'd fit in with the girls on the Chinese songs DVD we watched); any time anyone, especially someone dark-skinned ("Black people can't be racist"), says something insensitive to you, only your closest allies (if you have any) will take it seriously (just like with other Asians, but people have more options for you); everybody fucking loves making racist jokes at East Asians "but it's fine because I'm Asian" and you're the only one uncomfortable because you're the only one actually interested in not dividing people based on race, and it seems like you're the only one who (and whose parent) actively doesn't fit the stereotypes (also child abuse ISN'T FUNNY); some monoracial East Asians are waiting every day to throw rocks at you because of your "proximity to whiteness," and they trash the modicums of representation you get as "prioritizing white features" and "worshiping whiteness"; your faves "only got famous out of other Asians because they're closer to white" which might be a little true but not as much as people like to throw rocks for it, making you feel like you're part of the problem for liking them, for liking people like you more than people not like you; and even other Whasians aren't racially conscious half the time so you can't even have conversations about this with them. In fact, there's so many different ways for us to understand our identity that I bet there's another Whasian reading this right now and getting irritated that I'm presenting my own experiences as universal. In-fact-in-fact, I was thinking of a Whasian friend who does the racist Asian jokes thing -- because their mom does fit them. See? Whasian community and identity can only be found for the briefest of moments before all of these fucking Societal Forces tear us apart from inside and out. I'm nobody. I'm not white and I'm not not-white. If I can't "check all that apply", I'm just "mixed-race", just a swirly goop that could be anything, a group so insignificant in our smallness even when we're not that small. I am white AND I am Asian. Just let me live.