#idk why there's a fuckin zero in there but that's none of my business

[pinkpuffballdude]

Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sound like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it’s written.) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles; Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far; One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation’s OK When you correctly say croquet Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live. Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age. Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury.

Does, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little, We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Fe0ffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate; Dull, bull, and George ate late. Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, Science, conscience, scientific. Liberty, library, heave and heaven, Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven. We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed, but vowed. Mark the differences, moreover, Between mover, cover, clover; Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice; Camel, constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label. Petal, panel, and canal, Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor.

Tour, but our and succour, four. Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Sea, idea, Korea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion and battalion. Sally with ally, yea, ye, Eye, I, aye, eye, whey, and key. Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie. Face, but preface, not efface. Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give, verging, Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

Ear, but earn and wear and tear Do not rhyme with here but ere. Seven is right, but so is even, Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen, Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. Pronunciation (think of Psyche!) Is a pailing stout and spikey? Won’t it make you lose your wits, Writing groats but saying grits? It’s a dark abyss or tunnel: Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwhale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict. Finally, which rhymes with enough, Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup My advice is to give up!

~~~

I did it. I messed up like three words either because they’re Greek, French, or literal nonsense but I did it. text copied and read from [here]

I would also like to state that a lot of these words have multiple pronunciations, and I would go either with the one that rhymed or the one that I personally use. this poem was not written for my accent.

[tobesolonely]

muse

A/n: hello everyone!! im very excited to put this out :-) i was going to make a long one shot but ive never written anything multi-part before and i wanted to give it a go!! also my first time with an oc 🌟so i hope everyone enjoys!! not sure when the next part will come out but i wanna upload at least once a week or every two weeks or something idk haha but anywayssss lmk ur thoughts!

biggest, biggest thank u to my love @harryysstyless​ for beta reading and being so encouraging<333 luv u!!

photographer oc x harry styles

please let me know your thoughts on miss aminah, iman, serena, and harry!

my ko-fi! thank you :)

Los Angeles was your newest muse.

You had always been the spontaneous type. It came as no shock to your family and friends when you told them you had purchased a one-way ticket and were moving across the country. Although your parents weren’t too keen on the idea of their daughter moving so far away from them, they helped you withdraw your savings and find a modest apartment in LA before sending you on your way.

Your reason for moving to LA was simple, really. You were a freelance photographer that felt your career was growing rather… stagnant. You had a thick portfolio and were proud of the work you produced, but your clientele wasn’t as impressive as you’d hope it would be after nearly six years of working at it.

And so began your desire to move from New York to Los Angeles— one big city to the next.

People who knew you often described you as ambitious, fiery, and an absolute go-getter. If your big move scared you in any way, no one knew any better. Your confidence never faltered— not even in the slightest.

After nearly three months of being in LA, you developed a routine of sorts. You’d wake up, eat a breakfast that almost always consisted of avocado toast and coffee, and go on a run. After your run, you would come home, shower, and decide how far you wanted to venture to take pictures that day.

Sometimes your roommates, Serena and Iman, would join you to keep you company. Although you’d never met either one of them before answering their ad for a roommate on Craigslist, you had grown extremely close to the girls in the few months that you’d known them. Despite the two girls being friends since their childhood, they never made you feel left out, and you fit in with them effortlessly.

During your short time in the city, there were so many places you had been, but still, even more you had yet to see. Serena and Iman, both native Angelenos, would often suggest spots for you to check out and even offer to drive you around— you were from New York after all, and at twenty-four years old, you were still not the owner of a driver's license.

“You’ve never been to North Hollywood yet, right Aminah?” Iman questioned as you all lounged around, trying to come up with a place you had not yet been.

“No, I haven’t really gone anywhere farther than walking distance,” you reply, looking around the cramped living room for your camera bag. “Or the places you guys have driven me. That was still considered Downtown though, right? Where we went the other day?” You were still getting used to how absolutely massive Los Angeles was.

“We should go to Santa Monica or something— wait, Malibu!” Serena exclaims. “We have to go to Malibu, Mina. It’s so nice there, you could totally get a bunch of good shots.”

“Yeah, we might even see a celebrity!” Iman chimes in, stifling laughter.

It was an on-going joke between the three of you. When you first moved to LA, you told your roommates that you couldn’t wait to make your way around the city because you were hoping to run into a celebrity. It was Los Angeles after all— you figured they were everywhere.

You quickly learned that wasn’t the case. Celebrities here kept a low-profile and even if you did encounter a celebrity, it’s not like you would approach them. “You’re not funny, Iman,” you tell your roommate with a roll of your eyes.

“Yes I am,” Iman quips, wiggling her eyebrows. “If we’re gonna go to Malibu then I gotta change. Can I borrow a cute shirt from anyone?”

A short twenty minutes later, the three of you were piled in Serena’s car on your way to Malibu. You’d heard of the city before and knew it was a wealthy area, but that’s about it. Your roommates promised you that out of all the beaches in LA, Malibu had the nicest ones, and lots of places to take pictures. Since none of you had anything to do, you all decided it was as good a day as any to have a beach day and get some shots of your roommates to add to your portfolio. Since you didn’t know anyone except Serena and Iman, the pictures on your camera from the last few months consisted entirely of nature and inanimate objects. While it was good practice, you really preferred to photograph actual people.

“Traffic is so bad today,” you say from the backseat after traveling approximately two feet in five minutes. Iman snorts from the passenger side.

“When isn’t traffic bad, Mina,” she turns to look at you, an amused look on her face. “Don’t worry about it. It always gets backed up at this fuckin’ exit and then as soon as we get past it there’s like, zero traffic.”

“Right! I always complain about how shitty this exit is. I have no clue who designed it,” Serena adds, skipping through songs on her playlist. “It’s still early in the day, though. I’m just hoping the beach won’t be too crowded by the time we get there.”

“I don’t care how crowded the beach is. I just don’t want it to take us forty minutes to find parking…”

You tune out your roommate's voices, instead choosing to focus on the traffic jam outside the car. To Serena and Iman, people who were born and raised in Los Angeles, the city wasn’t necessarily anything special. Sure, they loved how there was always something to do, but the bad drivers, traffic, and smog got old. The novelty of LA hadn’t yet worn off to you, though. You didn’t know how your roommates were content to sit inside the apartment all day when there were tons of things to do basically right outside your doorstep. You felt like you were the one convincing them to go out with you half of the time, and you didn’t even know where you were going.

After what feels like almost entirely too long but was really only half an hour, Serena pulls into a fairly empty parking lot. “Are we not allowed to be here?”

“Why do you think that?” Iman asks, squinting her eyes to read a sign. “It doesn’t say it’s closed. I mean, there are a few cars–– look.” She points to a few cars scattered around the parking lot.

“I mean, it is nine in the morning on a Wednesday. People are probably at work,” you tell the two girls in the front seat. “Besides, there’s someone in the parking booth. Can you even close a beach?”

Serena drives forward, rolling down her window. “I mean, I guess not. You can close the parking lot, though.” You hum in agreement. She quickly pays for parking and tosses her receipt on the dashboard before driving slowly through the parking lot.

“I love when no one’s at the beach,” Iman sighs, clapping her hands. “No one will get in the way of your picture-taking either, Meens.”

You smile at the nickname. “Yeah, that’s true. We picked a perfect time to come too, guys. The lighting’s great.”

“Really? Is it gonna make my skin pop?” Iman turns around and sticks her arm out, sensually running her fingers along it.

“You always look good no matter what the lighting’s like, Iman,” you reply, refraining from rolling your eyes at her. “You have the glowiest complexion out of all of us.”

“We’re literally all the same skin-tone, Aminah,” she retorts, crossing her arms.

“We have different undertones, though,” you answer. “So not really. Plus, Serena is way lighter than us! What are you talking about?”

“Should I park here?” Serena asks, interrupting your conversation.

“Why here? All these empty spots and you wanna park directly next to this car?”

“This is a good spot, Iman. It’s a parking lot. If they didn’t want anyone to park next to them, they should’ve taken an Uber and got dropped off.” She turns into the spot, quickly putting the car in park and crossing her arms to prove her point.

You unbuckle your seatbelt, smiling at your friends’ bickering. They were so close they were basically sisters. They argued sometimes and were quick to call the other out on their shit, and you loved it.

“I just think you’re weird for parking next to this car. It’s a nice car.”

“Who cares, girl?” Serena groans, exasperated. “We’re gonna be on the beach. They’ll probably be gone before we will.” She pops the trunk before unplugging her phone from the aux cord and stepping outside. Iman mimics her before flinging the door open as well and stepping out of the car.

You make sure your camera bag is closed all the way before situating it over your shoulder and climbing out of the car as well.

“It’s kinda cold,” Iman says, wrapping her arms around her body. “If I knew it would be so overcast I would’ve bought a jacket.” Serena hums in agreement and you look up at the sky, unphased.

“It’s like, seventy degrees?” you look at the weather app on your phone in confirmation.

“We get it, Meens. You’re from New York,” Serena teases, closing her trunk. She hands you a few towels and a blanket to carry while she rolls the cooler and Iman carries the beach chairs and umbrella.

“It’s a cold seventy degrees and you know it,” Iman defends. “Look at my goosebumps. I can’t fake this shit.” You shake your head at your overly dramatic friends and follow them down to the beach. You take off your sandals as soon as you’re off the pavement, wiggling your toes in the cold sand.

“We can set up pretty much wherever we want,” Serena points out, tucking flyaway curls behind her ears. “Where do you think the best place to be is, Mina? Y’know, so you can get good pictures?”

“It doesn’t really matter, to be honest,” you tell them distractedly, too busy looking around the beach in awe. Your friends were right–– out of all the beaches you’d visited in Los Angeles so far, this one was the nicest (and cleanest). “Maybe we can get a little closer to the water?”

The three of you walk for a couple of minutes before Iman abruptly stops, dramatically dropping everything she was carrying. “Let’s just set up here. There’s no one around anyway, it doesn’t matter.”

“There actually is someone around,” you tell them, looking at a stranger who seemed to be fixated on staring at you and your friends. “Don’t look, but a cute guy is staring at us.” Serena and Iman immediately turn around, shading their eyes from the bit of sun that was starting to peek through the clouds. The guy couldn’t have been more than twenty yards away from where you were setting up.

...“Huh,” Serena says, turning back around. “Is it just me, or does that guy look a lot like Harry Styles?” She looks back over her shoulder again, but he’s no longer staring at the three of you, focusing on what appeared to be a book instead.

“Why would Harry Styles be at the beach by himself at nine in the morning?” Iman asks, unfolding a beach chair and flopping down on it.

“Why wouldn’t he? It’s Malibu, dude,” Serena responds. You could tell your friends were about to start bickering again, so you quickly jump in.

“Doesn’t matter. Neither one of you would go up to him even if it was, so what’s the point in arguing about it?” They both raise their eyebrows at you.

“And you would, Mina? Bullshit!” Iman exclaims, laughing. “I dare you to go see if it’s him, and if it is, ask him if he wants to join us.”

“That’s weird! What if it’s not him?”

“Even if it’s not him, we’ll still get to hang out with a cute boy.” Iman points out. Serena nods in agreement and you can’t deny that she makes a convincing argument. “Just ask him if he wants a mimosa or something!”

“No, don’t ask that,” Serena interjects. “Tell him that you’re a photographer and you’re working on building a new portfolio. Ask him if he would be cool with you photographing him.”

You narrow your eyes at her. “Are you sure that’s not weird, Serena?”

“Aminah, trust me. I wouldn’t deliberately let you make yourself look weird.” Your roommate reassures you.

And so you found yourself clearing the short distance to where the handsome stranger was laid, half hoping it was Harry Styles, half hoping it was not. You couldn’t act like you weren’t a fan of him–– you thought he was incredibly attractive and enjoyed his music just like most people. If Harry Styles was the first celebrity you encountered during your short time in Los Angeles, you‘d never stop talking about it. Ever.

When you’re almost to him he looks up, dog-earring the page he’s on. After making eye contact with him, there’s no mistaking that this is Harry Styles. You pinch the back of your hand, urging yourself not to freak out. He has a knowing look on his face and you’re grateful for your darker complexion that hides your blush.

“Hi,” you speak first, stopping a few feet away from him. “Uh, my friends and I are just uh, we’re... you know.” You internally wince at your inability to form a coherent sentence. His gaze never breaks from yours and you look away first, growing shyer by the second. If you thought he was beautiful on Instagram, he was even more gorgeous in person. It was incredible.

“Hi,” he finally says after a brief moment of silence. “‘M sorry if I was starin’ at you ladies a moment ago. I jus’ usually never see anyone else this early out here. Are you a photographer?”

You almost ask him how he knows when you realize your camera is still hanging around your neck. “Oh, yeah. Yeah, I am.” He’s still staring intently at you.

“Would you like to sit?”

You look over your shoulder at Serena and Iman who were pretending to be preoccupied putting on sunscreen, but you know they were waiting for you to come back with the man you now knew to be Harry Styles.

“Oh, my friends are waiting for me,” Harry looks up at you patiently, waiting for you to continue speaking. “I was actually going to photograph them. I’m working on building up my portfolio. I understand if you can’t for… I dunno, legal reasons? Or if you just don’t want to–– and that’s fine if you don’t, but would it be okay if I photographed you as well?”

“That actually sounds like a lot of fun. It’s kinda boring jus’ readin’ out here on my own,” he agrees quickly, surprising you. Harry stands up and stretches a bit before leaning down to gather up his blanket, towel, water bottle, and book. “What’s your name? I’m Harry.”

You know that Harry knows that you know exactly who he is, but the fact that he introduced himself to you makes him even more endearing. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Aminah.”

Harry extends his free hand to you. “It’s very nice to meet you, Aminah.” You love the way your name sounds coming out of his mouth.

As you approach Serena and Iman, their eyes go wide when they realize it really was him. Serena nudges Iman and you know without even having heard it that she’s saying, “I told you so!” Harry stops a bit behind you, smiling at them.

“Hello,” he starts. “S’okay if I join you ladies? Aminah here extended such a nice offer that I jus’ couldn’t pass it up, but wanna check with the two of you first.”

Serena’s mouth is shamelessly hanging open, and you realize that she may have been a bigger fan than she let on. Iman answers for them. “Of course! Mina’s building her portfolio and I bet it would look like, super cool, if you were a part of it!” Harry nods, setting the few things he had with him down.

“I don’t think I would even be the center of attention if ‘m sittin’ beside you beautiful ladies. I’ll jus’ act as a prop or something,” he flashes them a dimpled smile. “If you don’t mind me asking, what are your names? I’m Harry.”

“We know,” Iman answers a little too quickly. “I’m Iman and this is Serena.” Serena gives him a timid wave.

“Well, it’s very nice to meet you all. Are you guys from around here?” He lays his blanket beside all of your stuff and sits down cross-legged, not once breaking eye contact with any of you. You had no idea how he did it.

“We live Downtown. We’re only over here so Mina could get some good pictures, she’s a photographer,” Iman answers proudly. “She’s amazing, but she’ll never admit it.”

“Iman…,” you trail off. “Stop, dude.”

“It’s true,” Serena jumps into the conversation, now seemingly over the initial shock of who was sitting barely two feet away from her. “She’s the best photographer I know.” Harry turns to look at you, an amused look on his face.

“That’s a hefty claim. I can’t wait to see your photography skills, Aminah.”

“They’re just hyping me up,” you reply, making a mental note to yell at your friends for embarrassing you once the three of you were alone again. “I’m not that good.”

“That looks pretty professional to me,” Harry says, gesturing to the camera that has not yet left your neck since arriving at the beach. “I bet you’re just as good as they say you are.” You look away, hiding your face. Iman, being the wing woman she is, can tell you’re growing flustered from all the attention and moves the conversation away from you.

“Do any of y’all want a mimosa?” Before anyone can even answer her, she’s popping open the champagne and handing the orange juice to Serena to open. Harry politely declines, as he drove himself to the beach that morning. You and Iman are ultimately the only ones who indulge in a drink since you were the only ones not driving.

Talking to Harry was like catching up with an old friend. He wanted to know everything about the three of you and whenever he felt the conversation was becoming too much about him, he quickly changed the subject. Harry learned that Iman and Serena have been friends since the second grade when Iman pushed some boy off of the monkey bars for teasing Serena. He learned your favorite take-out spots, your favorite bars, and what freeways Iman and Serena tried to avoid at all cost (it was the 405, which he agreed with). What seemed to intrigue Harry the most, though, was him learning that you just moved from New York and had never even been to Los Angeles before moving.

“Why did you pick somewhere all the way across the country that you’d never even vacationed at before?” He had a look of confusion written across his face. You shrug, not really knowing the answer.

“I mean, I’ve seen it on TV shows and in movies. That doesn’t count?” you joke. Harry still looks utterly bewildered.

“I mean… no?”

Serena laughs. “We were just as confused as you were, Harry. We were scared for a moment when she moved in because we were like, oh shit, what if she’s insane? You know? Like, what sane person would move all the way across the country to live somewhere they’d never even vacationed before?”

You let out an offended, “heyyyy”, lightly smacking Serena’s thigh. “I just needed a change and I’m a drastic person! I either go all-in when I do something, or I just don’t do it at all.” You defend yourself.

“I actually think that’s really fuckin’ cool,” Harry says after a moment. “Sometimes I wish I could just… up an’ go. Y’know?” you all nod, and it falls silent again. “Well, should we take some pictures now?”

Any intimidation you felt to photograph Harry disappeared as soon as he started posing for you.

Being that he was a major celebrity, he was no stranger to posing for a photoshoot. Harry was ethereal–– you knew the pictures of him would most likely require minimal to no editing. Serena and Iman also looked incredible, and you were thankful to have such gorgeous people as your muses. You were taking pictures of them in various places around the beach, only stopping once it started getting too crowded. There were starting to be too many people in the background of your shots and Harry wanted to get going, not particularly in the mood to be recognized. The three of you decide you should get going too. You had more than enough pictures to go through and besides, you were all starting to grow hungry.

Harry follows the three of you to the parking lot, keeping his head down the entire way. The closer you got to Serena’s car, the sadder you got. You didn’t want to stop talking to Harry and photographing him. However, you knew you were just in the right place at the right time, and it was likely that you’d never cross paths with him any time soon–– if ever again.

“Thank you for letting me photograph you,” you tell him sincerely once you were almost to Serena’s car. “That was really kind of you. I can promise you I won’t post them anywhere without your permission or like, disclose the location or anything like that.”

Harry finally looks up, determining you were far enough away from the crowds and he was no longer at risk of getting recognized. “It was my pleasure, really. Thank you for inviting me to hang out with you and your friends. It was a lot of fun getting to know you all.” You feel your body heat up.

“Where did you park?”

“Right there,” Harry points straight ahead. “You?”

You let out a loud laugh, causing Serena and Iman, who was walking slightly ahead of you and Harry, to turn around and look at the two of you. “We parked right next to you! Iman was getting on Serena for parking next to you because the lot was pretty much empty when we got here this morning.”

Harry lets out a breathy chuckle. “I guess it’s fate that we crossed paths then, yeah?” You let out a quiet hum in agreement, stopping a few feet in front of Serena’s car. You hear her and Iman debating on where you should stop for lunch, but you were waiting to see what Harry would say next.

“Aminah? After you get a chance to look at those pictures, do you think you can send them to my manager? His name’s Jeff. I’d love to see how they come out.”

“Oh yeah, of course! Do you have his business card or something?” You were excited that Harry actually cared to see your work but based on the couple of hours you spent interacting with him, you learned he was just an overall insanely kind person.

“I can jus’ put his contact info in your phone? If you don’t mind,” his gaze falters, a sheepish look on his face.

“Totally! Let me just unlock my phone,” you dig in the pocket of your shorts, pulling your phone out and unlocking it with your face. You hand it over to him and while he’s looking down typing you glance over at your roommates who had shocked looks on their faces. You would explain to them later that he wasn’t giving you his number, just his managers, but for now, you’d let them think he was giving his number to you out of all people–– a total stranger.

Harry hands it back to you a few moments later, running his fingers through his hair. “Thank you again for such a great morning, Aminah. I’ll let you get goin’, don’t wanna hold you ladies up any longer,” he waves at Serena and Iman. “It was really nice to meet all of you. Hope to see you all again soon.” You notice that his gaze lingers on you for a moment when he says that, and you feel your body heat up for what must have been at least the tenth time that day.

The three of you watch as Harry unlocks his car and throws his items haphazardly into the passenger side before climbing in, slamming the door shut. His car starts immediately afterwards and he gives you a quick nod before quickly backing out of the spot, leaving. None of you say anything for a bit, just processing what just happened. Serena is the first one to speak, her hand on the handle of her car door.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Harry fucking Styles?” her voice raises at least two octaves and you know she’s about to have a mini freakout. “Did he ask for your number, Meens?”

“No dude, he just gave me his manager's number. He wants to see how the pictures come out after I edit them,” you tell her, opening the backseat of her car. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Uh, that’s definitely a big deal, Aminah. Stop being so humble,” Iman tells you, exaggerated annoyance lacing her voice. “Did you see how he looked at you? When he said, ‘Hope to see you all again soon’?” She puts on a terrible posh accent.

“You’re so annoying,” you groan, shaking out the blanket and beach towels before throwing them onto the seat. “Where are we gonna eat?”

Iman and Serena pile into the car as well, telling you about the three restaurants they were stuck choosing between. You hum distractedly, typing the name ‘Jeff’ into your contacts to see if Harry left a number and an email, or just an email. Your brows furrowed in confusion when you see the name is nowhere to be found in your contact list. You chalk up the mistake to Harry just forgetting to press ‘save’ after creating the contact and figure you can just find his manager’s contact information on the internet somewhere. As you’re scrolling back up through your contact list, your eye lands on a name that makes your breath hitch in your throat.

Harry Styles.

[albatris]

ok ok alriiiight ok so the plot of ATDAO

this post is not, like........... well, it’s not gonna be a blurb or a summary or a nice neat synopsis, this is not Professional Writeblr Business, this is, this is, uhhhh

this is like drunk house party logan rambles

works best if you imagine ur just like “hey man how’s it going” super casual and I grasp you firmly by the shoulders and look you dead in the eye and just ramble all of this without taking a single breath

could I have explained in a nice neat concise "elevator pitch" sort of way? probably. mind ur business. that’s not how we do things here at albatris.org

anyway the purpose of this post is “hey people seem to know a lot about the characters and the worldbuilding and the premise but have no clue what happens in the actual story” so I’m not going to be talking about said characters and worldbuilding and premise in depth

in terms of rambles, that stuff’s been covered! this post assumes you know what Ports are, n what the nature of the ATDAO apocalypse is, vaguely what the MCs are like as people......... though I can fetch this info for you if you like

but yeah if you are coming into this post with zero prior ATDAO knowledge........... deeply deeply from the bottom of my heart: sorry

also if this is your first time experiencing One Of These Rambles

also @safe-in-the-steep-cliffs​ and @siarven​ I am tagging you because you said you would like to be tagged and also hi and also I hope y’all knew what you were in for

anyway without further ado

(visual representation of my approach to this rant, not of how complicated my plot actually is)

(my plot is not that complicated)

ALRIGHT

there are two viewpoint characters! and two plotlines which converge near the end of the story, but honestly there’s a very real possibility I will decide these are two separate books meant as companion stories to each other because I love making things difficult for myself yeehaw

ATDAO’s co-protags are Tris and Noa, best buds four years and counting. their friendship is one of the single most important aspects of the story, n the ongoing love and trust they have for each other despite the way unfolding events force their relationship to change is integral to the themes and making the heart of the story what it is. I will now proceed to not mention this friendship for the entire remainder of this post. they’re bros. that’s all u need to know. listen. listen. I have a lot to cover

so yeah, ur first key player is Tris Greer, whose parents are dicks but whose siblings are chill. most notably of said siblings there is Jacob, older brother by thirteen years, whom Tris believes is just about the coolest person on the entire planet. this plotline kicks off when Jacob gets caught in the midst of a freak car accident that kills a dude and wrecks a street corner and also somehow causes Jacob to just kind of................. blip out of existence entirely and without a trace?

n Tris is understandably horrified and distressed by Very Much All Of This, but hey, at least there are responsible adults who can look into this obviously Port-related weird disappearance and figure this mess out, right?

INCORRECT

the relevant interdimensional authorities are brought in to suss out the situation and these authorities are kind of like “hmmmm idk about this” but are all set to take Tris at least somewhat seriously until they learn the following:

that Jacob had already been reported missing to police in his home state three days earlier

that Jacob was in the midst of several ongoing personal crises and at least one nervous breakdown

that Jacob was allegedly tangled up in some real weird shit that would more than account for a disappearance under suspicious circumstances

that Tris is schizophrenic, prone to hallucinations, confusion, memory issues and quote unquote “letting his imagination and anxiety get the better of him”, and precisely zero people can actually corroborate his story that Jacob was even there are the time of the accident to begin with

and after some back-and-forth and Looking Into The Evidence pretty much everyone in any position of authority comes to the conclusion that this is just Ordinary Regular People Crimes and whatever happened to Jacob had nothing to do with weird apocalyptic energies, and that Tris is (at best) stressed out and delusional or (at worst) lying through his teeth because he knows more than he’s letting on

so Tris is forced to hop pretty quick from “I’m sure someone will handle this” to “no one believes me but I’m sure if I can find some concrete proof they’ll listen and someone will handle it” to Well Fuck I Guess That Someone Is Me

cue bizarre reality-hopping fantasy quest, which is ten times easier said than done when most of the time Tris is terrified enough just, like, going to the supermarket

he enlists the help of his new classmate Shara, amateur paranormal investigator and professional weird-bullshit enthusiast, who agrees to help him puzzle out what the fuck happened to Jacob in exchange for his assistance in mapping out Adelaide’s interdimensional “fault lines” as part of her ongoing quest to track down the source of the apocalypse

she’s got big fuckin dreams, ok, go hard or go home

slso worth noting at this point that there HAS been an uptick in Ports and their related reality-bending strangeness in Adelaide recently which is why this is of particular interest to her currently. gotta find out What Makes The Weirdness Tick, gotta find out Why The Sudden Extra Weirdness

..........and also Kai is there

Kai has no nice neat reason to get involved with the plot, Kai just likes drama and being all up in people’s personal business. Tris brings them on board for one single afternoon like “hey I will pay you some money to come to my house and fix my fucked up phone so I can listen to an interdimensional voicemail” but forgot the apparently key addendum “and then leave”

their first three chapters of knowing each other is basically Tris being like “stop inviting yourself into my house we are not friends” and Kai being like “that’s a rude thing to say to your friend. also your sister gave me the netflix password and I used your kitchen to bake pastries feel free to help yourself”

but yeah so Tris’s story mostly focuses on his quest to figure out where Jacob got yeeted to and how to get him safely home (y’all probably know a bit about The Unreality already maybe?), whilst also dealing with rising family tensions, whatever shifty stuff Jacob was involved with prior to his disappearance, and his own creeping doubts about his perceptions of reality

n I’m also saying flat out it’s not a plot that’s going the “oh the whole thing was just a delusion all along” route because ew

his psychosis is a fairly involved part of his character but the explorations around it are more to do with, like......... the difficulties he has in trusting himself and whether he has the luxury of letting himself get swept into some Big Weird Implausible Adventure when this has extremely different implications for him than it would someone else. n eventually to how his success and survival is not ~in spite of~ but specifically because of the different way he understands and interprets the world and the skills he’s developed

THAT TANGENT WAS A PERSONAL RANT IT WAS NOT RELEVANT I just have words to say on the subject of how psychosis is treated in fiction and didn’t want people jumping to the “none of it is real” conclusion anyway ok moving on

ur SECOND key player is Noa Yun, who has rather a lot on her plate right now. she’s broke as fuck and her mum is sick and her car is making Noises and she’s not getting enough hours at her job at Not-IKEA and everyone is on her back about her failing studies as if that’s a thing she has the energy to care about. feeling rather backed into a corner by life’s bullshit and her financial situation, she blatantly lies her way into a field job at the Department of Interdimensional Instabilities, because A) surely it can’t be THAT bad, and B) what does she have to lose?

so more or less what she’s doing is the equivalent of emergency services for Port-related weirdness, it’s going out and dealing with highly unstable otherworldly energies head on, navigating Weird Phenomena and bendy patches in reality......... it is, among other things, a job that’s relatively easy to get into because no one wants to touch it with a ten foot pole unless they absolutely have to

n the DII is a whole other post, this shit has lots of different functions and levels and branches and corruption and secrets and a tendency to view workers who have to go out and deal with the brunt of the apocalypse head-on as vaguely expendable and I’ve talked about it a bit before and in more Serious Words

things kinda kick off for her when in true Noa fashion she hurls herself into a dangerous situation to help out a coworker, n enters a pretty standard issue “overlap” where the barriers between universes are a little fucky, but hey, she seems to come out of it with nary a scratch, so it’s reasonable to assume everything is fine, right?

INCORRECT AGAIN

she basically gets some whacked-out otherworldly energies latched onto her that are now following her through her everyday life, and it turns out she’s starting to bend the reality around her the way certain types of Ports do, which is! obviously not ideal! she’s not exactly a Port herself, because she’s pretty sure that’s impossible, but it’s clear capital s Something happened to her in that overlap, and she doubts it’s good news. and to make matters even more disconcerting, she’s now being dogged at every step by strange visions of a child who speaks in an unfamiliar language and who seems Real Fuckin Pissed at her

so her thing is basically “I acquired fucked up reality-bending powers against my will and they might be lowkey killing me ‘cause Ports are notoriously unstable like that and also I’m haunted for some godforsaken reason” which all somehow ended up being, like, the least interesting part of her plotline for me lmao

oh and Noa also enlists the help of Shara, Because Ghosts

anyway yeah so her search to find out what’s happening to her re: Weird Children, being a Port-adjacent something-or-other, and whether there’s a way to stop her own unravelling leads her to (rogue computer programmer? mad scientist? general shifty bastard?) Laurence Marrick Thiele, who claims to have suffered a similar affliction in the past and now does some real interesting research on the subject. n this guy. well. he’s got some fuckin stuff going on

he definitely knows more about the nature of Ports than he should. also is he actually researching what he says he’s researching? also what’s with all the weird tech? also did he just straight up murder that guy Avery? all will be revealed later, maybe, if I feel like it

but yeah at about the same time as Noa goes “actually fuck this you’re shady as hell I’m out” she stumbles into, like, The Actual Reality of what Marrick is up to re: manipulating Ports and interdimensional doorways for his own gain, and the various ways this spells bad news not only for her but potentially for the entire city and anyone unfortunate enough to get caught in the crossfire, and she shifts gear to “actually you know what I’m gonna kick your ass”

there are various reasons for this, but first and foremosterly you have to understand that Noa’s got a fuckload of pent-up rage and she will bring it in full force the moment you say some stupid shit like “some people are expendable” or “it’s inevitable for the greater good”

(there’s also a fun ongoing subplot with her work at the DII where she and her team are investigating a string of strange illnesses with bizarre symptoms that appear to be spreading via obscure radio stations so that’s. happening. I guess?)

but yeah the main story here mostly follows Noa’s attempts to undermine Marrick, bastard supreme, and find a way to fuck him up before he goes, like, Full Cartoon Supervillain, n also like........... her attempts to keep up her work at the DII despite her rising paranoia that the teammates she’s growing to care about will notice her increasingly unstable state and the fact that she’s all tangled up with the very forces they’re meant to be thwarting. n along the way discovering the reality of what happened to her in The Aforementioned Overlap Incident and about her visions and such

so that’s all that. did that make sense

n she’s got a whole arc going on about trust and learning to lean on others, like, she comes into this story as a very standoffish person with lots of paranoia, she’s spent much of her life feeling like she can only rely on herself, n she’s. well. yeah, like I said, she’s got a lot of anger at the world and at the various systems that have failed her and her loved ones, n the story puts her in a position to become even more isolated

and her plotline isn’t so much “you have no reason to be angry or afraid” or her learning to Not Be, It’s more, like........... yeah you have every fucking right to be furious and of course you’re afraid! but there are people around you who love you and who will jump at the chance to defend you and who will help you carry the weight of your anger and grief and none of this needs to be yours to bear alone which is extremely cheesy

which applies to both her Weird Supernatural Goings-On as well as her regular ordinary life goings-on

I feel like Alice and Jet deserve a mention for Noa’s plotline but also this went on and on too long already so. well. Alice and Jet exist! yep. they work with Noa at the DII. I have things to say about them. I will not be saying them today

and uhhhhhh

in general, for Tris, his plotline, you wanna think, like, fantasy/adventure vibes which veer pretty sharply into horror, and for Noa you wanna think...... kinda, sci-fi mystery conspiracy vibes with a dash of some superhero bullshit maybe except not really

and that

pretty much is it I think

also the fact that Kai just invites themself into the plot for funsies and then is dragged kicking and screaming into caring about themself and making positive changes in their life means there was no convenient place in this post to be like

"oh there's also a whole major subplot about a time loop"

but there's also a whole major subplot about a time loop

goodnight! thanks for coming to....................... whatever this was! have a nice saturday everyone

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #329

“i keep it all inside because i know that man is everything but kind”

What is the best thing about your life right now? Uhhhhh... I guess from a realistic standpoint, my partial hospitalization program. I'm learning very important coping skills and have some social interaction almost every day. How was your second serious relationship different from your first? Did you approach relationships differently with some experience under your belt? My first serious relationship was made deeper than what was safe because I was 100% obsessed with him; meanwhile, with Sara, I feel I loved her in a wiser way and with a sense of self still present. I was definitely more hesitant to "let" myself fall in love again, though, and was very insecure at the start. Whose death affected you the most? My dog's, Teddy. What was the best time you’ve had with a complete stranger? I don't exactly make a habit of hanging out with complete strangers... Who has seen you at your absolute worst? How did your relationship change afterwards? Mom, Jason, Girt, and Colleen, probably. Girt showed up at the ER after my overdose (I was a dramatic fuck and wrote a suicide note on Facebook so I didn't just... go without telling some people things I definitely wanted to), and that's when my crush on him really kicked into gear again. He was and is just always there for me through everything. For Jason, I am quiiiiiiiite sure seeing me have an absolute catatonic breakdown the night of the breakup just pushed him away more. I probably looked crazy. Colleen also showed up at the ER after my suicide attempt, and it brought us closer. Then there's Mom, who's, you know, my mom, and my darkest times have always grown our incredible bond, too, because she would never fail to be there for me. What’s your favorite planet? Saturn is dope. What’s your favorite pasta dish? Just spaghetti with tomato sauce and meatballs. What color do you really want to dye your hair? My top three are pastel pink, light/creamsicle orange, and silver, but there are more. What’s your favorite eye color? Sapphire blue or emerald green. What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? Um, I don't break into places. What’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? Sara gets super squeaky, bouncy, and just in general wordlessly excited at reptile shows. Going with her to one is one of my favorite memories, mostly just by watching her. Tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Have I ever been (awake) with friends past 3AM...? Idk. Do you have a favorite coffee shop? Describe it! Not a coffee gal. Who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Sara. (: When was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? Now THERE'S a fuckin question. I don't have the slightest idea. What was your biggest fear as a kid? Is it the same today? Thunderstorms; definitely not. Have you ever been to a Pride festival? No, but I'd love to. How open are you with your parents? I don't tell everything to my dad (though I know I could), but I'm an open book with Mom. Is there anything you’re more open about on the internet (such as on LiveJournal) than you would be in “real life”? I guess my sexual history. I'm just in general pretty open online. What is the most petty thing you’ve ever done? Oh, I'm CERTAIN it involves Jason after the breakup, but I don't know the "most"... What is the longest you’d be willing to wait to have sex in a new relationship? I myself don't want to until we're clearly serious and long-term by that point, and I know for a fact they're in love with me like I am them. I don't care how long they want to wait, though. I said in a previous survey that sex just... isn't that important to me. It's not my most cherished form of intimacy. Who has had the most positive effect on your life? My mama. Are there any relatives that you are not on speaking terms with? What happened? Most of the family doesn't talk to my aunt's literally psychotic, manipulative fuck of an ex-husband. I don't feel like it's my business to share exactly what happened, but yeah, fuck him with a chainsaw. :^) Who was the last person to ask you to hang out? Did you agree to hang out with them? It was more like an open invitation to all of her friends, but I guess you could say Summer. I did. I honestly wanna hang out again. Have you ever had to take a stool or urine test? Why did you have to do this? Urine ones, yes: to 1.) test for UTIs and 2.) ensure I wasn't pregnant before surgery. Is there a food that you eat basically every day? What food is that? Not every day, no. Can you remember the first video game you ever played? What about your first video gaming system? I don't. It was probably something with few controls, like this Barbie horse riding game my sisters and I loved, or an Elmo game that we had on a demo disc. I think you had to follow a path on a pogo stick picking up letters? We had a PS1 when I was born, so that was my first. The last video game you played - did you play alone or with someone else? By "video," I'm going to assume you're not including the computer, in which case I think it was The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon, which I was playing alone. It does have a two-player option though that I wanna do one day. The controls are definitely meant for two people. If there is a disc in your computer, what disc is it? There is no disc. Do you shut down your computer every time after you use it, or do you leave it on? I always leave it on... Do you know anyone who has ever been in a movie? Who and what movie were they in? What was their part? Hm, I don't believe so. Describe the last shirt you saw that you really liked. Where did you see it? It was definitely some sort of graphic tee on Facebook, I'm sure. It was something with an opossum design and a short phrase. When was the last time you brought a pet to the vet? What was wrong with it? The most recent vet visit was when we got Roman neutered. Do you have any bug bites on you right now? If so, where? No. When you go fishing, do you make someone else get the fish off the hook? When I DID fish, yeah. Not because I was afraid to touch the fish, but because I was afraid of nicking myself with the inevitably dirty hook. Did you go to daycare when you were little? Only very briefly; my incredible separation anxiety from my mom made it extremely difficult. She very quickly chose our neighbors as my and my sisters' babysitters. I could handle that because I loved "Uncle Donny," the granddad of the family, and I could see my house from their front door. He was/is (idk if he's still alive) a wonderful man. Do you know what you’d have been named had you been born the opposite sex? No. Would you ever visit a nude beach? NOOOOOOOO THANK YOU. Who was the last person you dreamt about? I don't remember. Where is your favorite place to be kissed other than the usual place? Don't touch my neck if you don't have free time lmaooo. What is your favorite memory with one of your grandparents? I'm going to be completely honest: I have none that are exceptionally important to me. I only knew one grandmother most of my life, and we had a turbulent relationship. Would you date someone who has cheated in their previous relationships? Naaaaah son. What was the most drastic change you made to your appearance? Chopping 8+ inches of hair off. Is there anything you hope your significant other/future significant other never finds out about you? No. I don't want to keep secrets from them above all others. What are most of your Facebook posts about? If you're talking things I actually compose myself and not share, probably pictures of my pets, haha. Or small statements regarding political issues or mental health. What’s your favorite part of the song that you’re listening to? The beat. Who was the last person you got into a small argument with? Probably my mom, idk. How warm do you like your showers/baths to be? Pretty hot. In the past year, have you lost weight or gained weight? How much? Gained... and I'd rather not share. What year was the last car you rode in/drove? I have zero clue, but it's old. What’s your worst/funniest experience with one of your neighbors? The neighbors at my childhood home had two wonderful rottweilers, but one day they got loose and killed at least one of our kittens. It died in my hands. Mom was fucking livid and sobbing. Besides this occasion though, we got along with them. How much alone time is too much for you before you start going crazy and want to be around people? It depends on the day, really, and how entertained I am in my alone time. Generally, one day of total isolation (from people, anyway) is enough for me to want my mom's company at least or to be texting Sara. The last time you burned your tongue or mouth, what were you eating? A pizza roll burned my tongue just a tad. Honestly, are you shallow? Not at all. Besides clothes, shoes, and accessories, what’s your favorite thing to shop for? S N A K E S ! ! ! I could LIVE on the Morph Market website and "window shop." I love planning out the next morph I'm most interested in adopting. If you have/had any facial piercings, what side are they on? Any reason you chose that side? If you don’t have any, if you had to get a facial piercing what would it be and what side would it be on? I have a vertical labret on my lower lip that goes directly down the center of my face. I chose it because I love the symmetry. I've had my right nostril pierced twice, just because I preferred that side for whatever reason. What, would you say, is your sexiest/most provocative article of clothing? I don't own anything like that. I have zero interest in showing off my body. Do/did you have attendance problems in school? I was notoriously tardy for the first class of the day a lot because I was an absolute beast to drag out of bed all the way up to college. Does/did your parents ever go through your computer or cell phone? Mom did. What song reminds you the most of a particular day in your life? Why is that? "Where the Wild Wolves Have Gone" by Powerwolf is a strong one. I played it again and again the day Teddy was put down, even before we went to go euthanize him. It was my inspiration to one day spread his ashes at Yellowstone in wolf territory. As much as I'd love to keep his ashes forever, like, what happens after I die? And my sisters? Eventually, that container will lose meaning and probably be discarded, so I want to return him to nature. Do you have any close friends that were adopted? No close ones. Who, in your opinion, is the best thriller writer? Idk. Does your Mom eat meat? Yeah. Do you prefer thick or thin crusted pizza? THICK. Thin crust is an utter disappointment. Do you have any friends with the same name as you? No. Who has the prettiest middle name you know? Ha, I mention Alon a lot when it comes to beauty... I can't remember what it is, but I do know hers wins. Do you prefer it when it gets darker earlier? No. It makes me go to bed earlier. Can you touch​ your nose with your tongue?​​ No. Is there a particular sport you follow on a regular basis? No. Are there any shows that your friends seem to be obsessed with, but that you just don’t get? Oh, loads. How old was the last child that you spoke to? She's six. What’s a song that makes you feel happy? "Pretty Woman" by Van Halen, for one. How far in advance do you prefer to plan? It depends, but generally kinda far. Do you always smile for pictures? With other people, yes. Some selfies, no, but usually. What are you most excited about right now? my MOTHERFUCKIN tattoo appointment in MAY!!!!!!!!!!! Do you prefer the aisle, middle, or window seat on a plane? Window seat, zero doubts. Where would you like to volunteer? I wanna help at an animal rehab. What was the last thing you ate? A strawberry and grain granola bar thing. How do you find new music? Usually YouTube recommendations. What’s your favorite city? I don't have one. What makes your bedroom special to you and what is your favorite part about it? It's a total nests of my various interests. My favorite part is my meerkat collection. Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? No. Do you shave your legs more than once a week? God no. I haven't shaved my legs since October lmao. Would you get married if you could right now? Definitely not right now. I don't have a job or my own place. What is your favorite type of jewelry (i.e. bracelets, necklaces, etc.)? Chokers. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to? No. I was wholeheartedly in love with him. What was the shittiest hotel you’ve ever stayed at and why? I've never stayed in a bad one, to my recollection. Have you ever gone on a boat and been sick the whole time? No. Have you ever kept something from the wild as a pet? A turtle for a little while, yes. Don't do that. Ever win first place for something? Yeah, a few things. What was the last thing you fell off of? Idk. Do you have a favorite local band? Who are they? No. What’s the most confusing book you ever read? The style in which Johnny Got His Gun is written is very confusing, but you adapt to understand it. Jumping back and forth from the past to the present can give ya some metaphorical whiplash. Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it? No. Has anyone ever called your personality dull? Do you agree with them? No. Have you ever personally witnessed a drug deal before? Possibly. Ever have an ultrasound performed on you? What was it for? Yes, for my liver. I can't remember what they were checking for, but I was fine. Have you ever been kicked out of somewhere? Colleen's house, yes. Have you seen all the Lord of the Rings movies? Nope; got no interest. Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? Nah, not for me. Do you enjoy being outdoors? Only if it's cool out, in which case yeah. Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July? Not anymore. I just think about the terrified animals (wild and pets alike) and traumatized veterans. Do you enjoy tanning? Not at all. Which of the seven deadly sins do you commit the most? Sloth. Did you have a Furby when you were younger? Yeah. Creepy fuckers. How long was your first relationship? I actually don't remember how long Aaron and I were together... other than it was just a few months. Who was the first person to break your heart? My dad, generally speaking. Romantically, Jason. What’s the biggest lie you’ve told someone? I don’t know. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? Yeah. What did the last key you used go to? The car's trunk. Is there anything, any event, you wish you could remember more clearly? I honestly do wish I remembered my "first time" because that's a pretty big deal to me. What’s your biggest priority right now? My mental health. If you’ve stayed overnight in a hospital, how did you entertain yourself? I've done that numerous times, and given there was nothing good on the TV ever, I just slept time away or read. Since every time I was suicidal, there were very, very few things you were allowed to have. Have you ever rubbed anyone’s feet? EW no. Are your hands unsteady? Yes; I have what's called an essential tremor in both. Are your legs long or short? They're proportional to my body. Is there a bookshelf in your room? No. Do you own a robe? What color is it? No. Who’s the last person you smoked weed with? I've never done it. Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? No. Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else? Yeah, my sisters in the past. Is there anything you need to talk about with someone? No. Who was the last person who cried around you? My mom. Who’s the last guy to give you roses? Tyler. What band was on the last band t-shirt you wore? Korn. What piercing do you like most on the opposite sex? Maybe snakebites. Do you stick your tongue out often in pictures? Nah. I only ever really did once or twice when I had snake eyes. Honestly, have you ever purchased something, worn it, and then returned it? Possibly? If you could have your own house anywhere in the world, where would it be? In the mountains in a nicely wooded area with a waterfall close by. It'd be nice to have a small stream or pond too to sit or swim in. If you could create a holiday - what would it be? I wish the legalization of gay marriage in America was a legitimate holiday. Are you shy about singing in front of people? OHHHHH YES. Do you own a robe? Do you sleep with a sleep mask? No.

[pianowired]

How do you feel about Alaska, Amanda and mostly everyone else still being friends with Sharon? What If she starts suing people for saying things that they cannot prove? Also, If the accusations are proven false, will you like her again? Because you had no problem stanning her before, and you knew about everything else

first of all, great assumption that i knew everything else, gorg. unfortunately not the case. i don't enjoy the fact that ANYONE is still friends with her, honestly, but her personal relationships are also, how you say, none of my fuckin business lol. i'm a drag queen first and foremost, not a drag race fan (hate that show tbh), and drama in my community is plentiful to the point where this isn't really at the forefront of my mind lol.

idk why u feel the need to ask me my thoughts when i'm barely active on this blog to begin with lol? to be honest i haven't spared her a single thought since june and she takes up zero space in my brain lmao

[twilightofthe]

Chapter Six liveblog of The Mandalorian!  Let’s go!!!

Wait this wasn’t from last ep I guess no flashback this time?

Hmm some sorta space station

SIR YOU ABANDONED YOUR CHILD AGAIN

Huh, Mando Man has friends?  Surprising

Nice old hobo man

I’m seriously worried about Baby Yoda being left on the Razor Crest alone

Oh good Mando Man’s getting some money 

Lol but let’s be real he probs won’t get the money

Ahaha as a member of a Star Wars RPG group with the explicit plot of “five random yahoos for hire clumped together to do some kind of infiltration job”, lemme just say that this won’t end well at all

Oh nevermind not nice old hobo man :(

Hmm so hired man number one.  Mayfield?  Does he have a personality?

Gah Mando Man’s voice is so friggin attractive hlep

Hmmm sharpshooter?  Wanna bet Mando Man’s still better than him?

Wait shite those guys are gonna have to share a ship with Baby Yoda that’s not allowed at ALL

Obligatory Canto Bight mention to try and tie it into the larger Star Wars universe xD

Hello Burg, lemme guess, you’re big and scary

Oh that’s Clancy Brown, I’d know that voice, cooooool!

Zero looks like a bug

Xi’an-- oh wonderful, a Harley Quinn knockoff

No, no, I’ll give her a chance

Hmm putting a new beat over the title sequence

Not sure how I feel about that

“The Prisoner” wait who’s this prisoner taken by anyway?  New Republic?

Ey Zero stay out of Mando Man’s stuff

Yepppp New Republic

Everyone needs to leave Mando Man alone :(

Mayfield’s voice and face seem familiar

I reeeeeally don’t trust these ppl on a ship with the baby

I’m worried Xi’an might fuckin’ try to eat him or something

I do like that they gave a Twi’lek woman visible fangs tho

STOOOOOOP TOUCHING HIS STUFF

“Why are they all dead?” Well the Jedi were the greatest warriors in the galaxy too and they died sooooo, guess it’s just bad luck???

If this guy tries to take off the helmet imma fight him

DO NOT TOUCH THE BABY

BABY BETTER BITE THEM

BITE HIM BITE HIM BITE HIM

HE IS STILL TOUCHING THE BABY PLEASE REMOVE YOUR GRUBBY MITTS 

SON OF A BITCH YOU DROPPED HIM I WILL MURDER YOU

Idk why those ppl are all so surprised about the Crest, the Falcon’s just as junky, ships last a while

Ok I do like Xi’an’s theme violin

This prison type is new, cool looking doors

I appreciate all the Lucas-era species

Mouse droid!

Awww he shot it!

Aaaaand they’re caught

Hell yea Mando Man show em how it’s done

That’s hot

Assholes could be helping him rn

Poor Mando Man you deserve So Much Better

“It seems your presence has been detected” OH GEE I WONDER WHY, IT WASN’T LIKE YOU ALL MADE A BUNCH OF NOISE OR ANYTHING

And Tumblr spoilers have confirmed for me that Helmet Dude is Matt Lanter!  Hello!!!!  Always a pleasure!!!!!!!!!!

Actually ya know what this show is really rude about putting helmets and ugly hats over really cute guys, I’m offended xD

“Egghead” ok lol he’s got a point

Awwww Mando Man’s tryna be nice :(

Aaaaand there goes Xi’an, “Crazy Twi” indeed

Awww, goodbye Matt, see ya in TCW this February!

How the hell are these guys still more competent than my RPG group

Ohhhh total betrayal, of fucking course

And he still doesn’t get paid!!!!!

Those bastards are gonna try and take off with the ship and Baby Yoda

Baby Yoda better pull some sorta Home Alone type shit on them

Oh hell yea did Mando Man kill the lights?

YES HE DID HELL YEA

HE GONNA KICK THEIR BUTTS IN DRAMA LIGHTING

AND THERE’S BABY YODA, GET HIM BABY GET HIM

HE WAS GONNA SHOOT THE BABY KILL HIM DEAD

What did all these other mercs even get promised for locking Mando Man up?  I doubt Xi’an has that much cash on her

So Ran wanted Mando Man dead????  Why???????

Aight Oin’s crazy act isn’t any more charming than Xi’an’s is

C’mon Baby get the droid get him

Ya know what, I wanna see MANDO MAN play Home Alone with these guys

Oh boom strangling, Saw works too

Oh wow this guy does not squish

Aaaaand Xi’an’s probs gonna kill other dude by mistake

Wait nope Mando Man drops doors on him instead haha

Smart baby hiding, I love him

Aaaand now Mando Man has Xi’an too?

Oof ouch this flashing light business is not seizure-friendly

Boom Mando Man sneak!!!!

Hell yea they got what they deserved

Wait, so Ran wasn’t in on killing Mando?

OOOF BABY YODA’S GONNA FUCK YOU UP DUDE

BABY YODA FUCKED YOU UP BIG TIME LOOK AT THAT EX

Oh nvm, that was just protective daddy xD

Guess he took care of Oin too, is what he deserves

Wait nope nvm I forgot Mando Man is nicer than I am lol

Omg he actually gets some credits to feed his son praise

They’re still gonna report him to the Guild tho aren’t they

Or Ran’s pilots will for some reason?  Why does literally everyone want him dead

HAHAHA MANDO MAN SICCED THE NEW REPUBLIC ON THEM!

And here come the three pilots who Tumblr spoilers have also told me are the three directors!  

Hi Dave Filoni aka TRAPPER WOLF David you gotdang nerd with an aesthetic I love you

Aaaaand Mando Man and Baby are out of there!!!

AND HE’S GIVING BABY HIS TOY

AND COMMUNICATING WITH HIS SON I LOVE THEM BOTH SO MUCH

Good now you shiny beautiful man go get your son some food

And Mando Man didn’t even kill them!  Aight he has to know this’ll just mean more future enemies right???

Oh so Faveau didn’t write this one

Aight so imma agree with what others have said, this ep is probs the weakest of all of them so far.  The merc squad was just kinda annoying and none of their characters were easy to appreciate.  I liked the familiar faces brought back in tho and I still am a sucker for Baby Yoda because I’m easy like that.  Also loving Mando Man’s competence, that’s just highkey hot to see.  Overall, still really pumped for the last two episodes and kinda really scared about how Season One’s gonna end!!!! o_O

[lestwinsfanfics]

Just Friends - Chapter 56

Aaliyah

I could feel the boom of the bass underneath the soles of my feet. My heels only acted as transmitters, and the alcohol I’d ingested throughout the night made me feel every beat through my body. I tossed my head back lazily, though I was only just past tipsy. This started a slow body roll in my seat to the beat of “Company” by Tinashe. Leslie randomly played this song on repeat last week when we were hanging out and my body wound familiarly to the synth-y beat. My eyes were closed, and I tossed my head side to side, hearing Tyler egg me on while feeling her bouncing by my side. She tossed her long, freshly done braids into a ponytail earlier and currently swung them around and I couldn’t help but grab my phone to take a video.

“I’m nothing like a girlfriend.” She sang along into the camera, standing and turning her body to give an extra dance to the camera. I laughed, yelling out at her and turning the camera to myself briefly before putting my phone down, just in time to start bouncing around for Kehlani’s “Distraction.”

This was my shit.

I rose to my feet with Tyler, the both of us dancing together amongst the people in VIP, laughing and singing loudly along. “DO YOU DO YOU DO YOU WANNA BEEEEEEE?!”

Eventually the two of us made it to the dance floor to really turn it out. The DJ was bomb, and Jamal had hand picked her for tonight’s festivities. I was glad he stayed true to his promise of fun night, because I had zero plans for going out tonight.

Jamal had begged me yesterday evening, and even roped Tyler in. She wasn’t a hard sell, she was always down for a good time so it was two against one and before I knew it, I was beating my face and donning a long black button up shirt with splits up the sides, and a pair of leather shorts. My hair was bone straight and my weave hung almost down to my ass. I made a spur of the moment decision to add clip ins and upon seeing the full picture of my look, I was feeling it.

A couple shots before we headed out, and a couple more to sustain my vibe throughout the night, I was having a blast.

I threw it back against Tyler, shaking my ass to “Slow Motion” by Trey Songz, dropping down and popping back up toward her.

“That’s my bitch!” She yelled out, her hand on my hip as I moved. I had my lip in my mouth and one hand on my knee to stabilize myself.

We were on one, and even my heels weren’t going to stop me from having a fun ass night.

Jamal had been running around the club handling business, popping in on us at various moments of the night and making sure we were situated with drinks and whatnot. Once he and I locked eyes, I did an extra wine on Tyler, making him raise his eyebrows mid conversation with one of the bouncers of the other VIP area to the left of us.

He dapped him up and walked over to us, prompting Tyler and I to circle him and dance around him, me behind and her in front. He laughed, shaking his head and raising his hands, letting us switch off dancing on him, before we both went to town, dancing on his legs as he held one side of either of our hips.

“Yall fuckin stupid yo.” He said with a laugh, grabbing us both into a side hug while we walked back to our table. “I seen yall out there getting it in though. Why I aint get none of that?”

“Because you aint my nigga.” Tyler said, prompting us to laugh together at her blunt nature. “Idk her excuse though.”

“Bitch.” I replied, squinting at her, which only made Jamal laugh more. I could really appreciate that he was respectful of me trying to figure things out, and our friendship had shockingly only continued to get better since that day in my office.

While I knew there would likely always be an undercurrent of something with him, I was glad that it was easy going and never awkward.

I didn’t have to worry about anything tonight though, because as it stood, he was dating the bottle girl that currently waited on our VIP section. I wondered if she knew about me, she wasn’t really rude but she also wasn’t particularly nice either. She was just, regular.

“Y'all good over here?” She asked loudly as she walked past our table.

“Yeah.” Tyler answered back, not feeling her energy and barely paying her any mind. I giggled, giving her a big smile and nodding.

“Yeah I think so, thanks.”

“No problem.” She smiled back, her pearly white teeth glimmering as much as her glossy lips. Her toned legs looked amazing in the club’s provided attire for its bartenders. She was a pretty girl, I would never hate. “You good, Mal?”

“Yeah.” They both smirked at one another before she walked away and he looked at me, only to see my eyebrows raised. “What?”

He laughed and so did I. “Nothing.” I said with a shrug and a smile, noting their interaction and the way he took his arm from around me when she came over.

He liked her more than he let on. It was cute.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” I yelled over the music to Tyler who was currently plotting on this dude by the VIP bar. He and his friends had been next to us the entire night and while we’d had a couple funny interactions, I knew when my friend was interested, and interested she was.

“You want me to come?”

“No, no stay. I’ll be right back.” I said, insisting she stay. “Use the alone time wisely.

I nodded my head toward him, making Tyler laugh before I headed off toward my destination.

–

After reapplying the lipstick that coated my lips and taking a quick selfie, I toyed with my hair a little bit before posting the picture on my instagram. As soon as I looked up, the door flew open and I gasped, not expecting the quick and heavy swing of it.

"Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

You know that feeling when someone has been staring at you specifically? Like, past people watching, with an awareness and familiarity to the analysis of your moves.

I couldn’t place it, but I’d been feeling it all night. Now I finally understood why.

Karina stood, staring at my reflection in the mirror. It had to be here. The timing of this wasn’t coincidental and I knew that. I was surprised that I didn’t burn up from the amount of heat her glare provided me throughout the night. While a piece of me wanted nothing more than to give her the shit eating grin of her nightmares, the one that said “I have more control than you ever had.” I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. She didn’t deserve any extra energy from me. “Aaliyah.”

I sighed, a single dry chuckle left my body as I dropped my phone into my clutch.

Karina stood in front of me, clad in jeans, a white crop top, and a gaudy mens chain. Her body, as per usual, looked amazing and her hair, just the same, was flawless.

I’d seen pictures of her… interesting makeup and clothing decisions that never hit the mark, and while tonight was no different, I wouldn’t nit pick at her appearance. She was still a beautiful girl.

A beautiful girl who only ever stood in my presence to start some shit.

“Karina.” I replied with a smile and a tilt of my head. “You look nice.”

She squinted, roaming my body with her eyes before settling on my face with a nod of approval. “So do you. I love that lipstick.”

“Thanks.” I nodded back, taking a deep breath and preparing myself to exit. “Well, if you’ll excuse me…”

“Look, I’m not here to start trouble.” My laughter was impossible to contain. It left my lips and caused me to shake my head. She continued, unmoved by my clear reaction. “I just… I’m glad we ran into each other in here. I wanted to come speak earlier but… yeah.”

“Lets not play these games, Karina.” I paused, pulling back my negative energy. I wasn’t about to have my night ruined. “You had no reason to come say hi to me. No reason to speak. Lets not pretend that we’re friends or have more than one thing in common. So with that, have a nice night.”

I assumed her silence was based in shock considering I didn’t often speak more than a few words than her. I would never give her the satisfaction, especially not in a work environment and our minimal interactions had been all surrounding my job. This, in comparison, probably seemed bold. She didn’t know me enough to know this was a norm.

I moved to the side in order to pass her. “No, Aaliyah. I want to apologize.”

I sighed, leaning against the wall, simultaneously wishing and praying that someone would walk in and interrupt us, but also thankful that no one did.

My lack of commentary cued her to continue.

“I know that I’ve been rude to you in the past. The reality is, I know how close you and Larry are, and I needed to accept that and not put my frustration with him out on you.”

I crossed my arms, telling of my discomfort and annoyance with being here, and while my drunk was wearing off, I really didn’t want this to taint the rest of my evening.

I’d grab a round of tequila shots when I walked out of here.

“Larry was my boyfriend. Not you.It was his responsibility to make sure I was comfortable with the relationship between the two of you. Not yours.” I scoffed, unable to control myself. “I was rude because I was uncomfortable and insecure and I should have been more demanding with him, not a bitch to you. My bad. Really.”

“I appreciate that.” I replied, still not falling into her bullshit. I knew how Karina played. There was an ulterior motive somewhere here.

“Is that all?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then.” I turned to grab the door before feeling her hand on my shoulder.

“You said that was it.” The sigh I let out bled through my words.

“Look, even though Larry needed to be the one making me feel comfortable, that doesn’t mean I didn’t know that there was something else going on between the two of you.” I just watched her, schooling my face the best way I could to not give anything away.

“Anyone who is around you two for any extended period of time can see it. Y'all aren’t as slick as you think you are.”

“Larry and I have nothing to do with you, despite what you think.” I stopped her. “Your relationship with him is yours. Don’t worry about mine. We have business. That business has nothing to do with you.”

“I’m not saying I have anything to do with you guys.” She paused. “Not anymore I’m not.”

I squinted, wondering what exactly she meant.

“All I’m saying is that I see it. I see the chemistry and I know something is there…” She paused, collecting her words. “Aaliyah I don’t know much about you but you seem like a good girl. You’re beautiful, you’re smart. You’re business-minded. Hell, you’ve never batted an eye at me despite my best attempts to fuck with you and that alone is commendable because it couldn’t have been me.”

She laughed a little bit recalling her bullshit.

“You deserve more than Larry fucking Bourgeois. You do.” she stopped, her voice soft yet… firm in her words. “You can do better. Don’t let him walk all over you and bullshit you girl.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Whether you want to admit it or not, Larry has you under his thumb and I know he does because you know all about his bullshit and despite it, you still deal with his ass.”

“I work with him.” I remained convicted in my words even though we all knew this was way past work. “I have no choice but to deal with him.”

“This isn’t about work and you know that.” The boom from the music let me know that I was currently missing a really good migos song and while I was a bit annoyed, it could wait. “Larry is holding you back and he will always be on bullshit, no matter what.”

“Karina I’m-”

“You think he was loyal to me while we were together?” She scoffed loudly, pushing forward. “Please. I knew he was cheating and let him cook. He even fucked a couple of the girls who are behind the bar as we speak! He will continue whatever behavior you allow until he gets sick of it and will toss you aside.” she paused, controlling her anger.

I pursed my lips in silence, I could tell her frustrations would get the best of her soon and my lack of reaction wasn’t helping matters.

But if I was being honest, some of the things she was saying made me pause.

“All I’m trying to say Aaliyah is that if it isn’t me, it will always be another girl. You deserve someone who’s willing to just be for and about you.”

“Like I said before Karina.” I paused, turning toward the door and grabbing the handle. “Larry and I have nothing to do with you. I appreciate your concern and your apology earlier, but you don’t know me at all. You and I aren’t the same, and whatever impression you have of me is something you made up in your head. I’m good.” “There you are.” Jamal’s voice caught me off guard as he stood next to the bathroom door. I wasn’t confident that he hadn’t heard every bit of our conversation, and I prayed the audio and thick bathroom door had kept us contained. “You good baby girl?”

I fixed my face quickly, tilting my head with a smile as he put his arm around me, pulling me into a light hug. “Yeah. I’m good.”

“I just ordered us another round and you weren’t there. Tyler told me you were in the bathroom.” He rambled on as we left the hallway leading to the bathroom. As we turned I couldn’t help but look back at the door at a shocked Karina, whos eyebrows were raised. She nodded with a slight smile, which I assumed was because of Jamal and I leaving together.

A couple shots and dances later, and I was back in the flow of the evening.

But nothing said was forgotten.

—————–

I yawned, tossing the oversized t shirt over my head before I grabbed the big bottle of lotion from Noelle’s dresser. She was currently in Amsterdam living her best life and I would be indulging in her bed tonight while she was gone. After we left the club, we went and grabbed pizza and made our way back to Ty and Noelle’s apartment which was the closest.

“I'ma sleep in my damn boxers, shit. I don’t care.”

“Don’t nobody want ya stankin ass on my couch nigga!” She yelled back, with a mouth still full of something, Pizza I would guess or some of the fries I’d left on the table when I went to shower.

I laughed to myself as they continued to argue, jokingly as they always did.

“Mal, you don’t have any ball shorts?” I mused, popping my head out of the room. I heard the phone ringing on Tyler’s end, and her enthusiastic hello let me know that she would be quieter for a little bit.

“Oh shit you right.” he replied to me, watching me walk out of the room and plop onto the living room couch. “Lemme go check my car real quick.”

“You smell good.” he said with a smile before grabbing his keys and Tyler’s, and walking past me, putting his hand ontop of the scarf on my head.

“I always smell good.” I said, rubbing the remaining lotion on my arms.

“You a lie.” He said, closing the door before the pillow he knew I was going to toss at him could make contact.

“Mmm, I don’t know actually.” Tyler continued her conversation before grabbing her Gatorade and downing it. “We’ll probably go get breakfast or something unless Liyah got something to do in the morning.”

“Who you talking to?” I asked, raising my eyebrow before noticing that the marbled phone case in her hands belonged to me.

It was then that I recognized the voice on the other end. “She so nosy.”

“I know, right?” Tyler replied, smiling into the phone. “Always in my business.”

“You’re on my phone, so that makes it my business.” I said, a yawn following my words as I felt myself getting deeper and deeper into the comfort of the chair.

“Your phone rang while you were in the shower so I grabbed it. I figured you’d want to talk to him.” She said to me, still with my phone in her hands.

“I don’t want to talk to his ass.” I said with an eyeroll and a smile.

“Oh please, I know you want to talk to ya nigga. Bye Larry!” She said waving at him. “Tell your annoying ass brother I said hi too.”

Larry laughed as he said his goodbyes and I laughed as she handed me my phone.

My smile remained as soon as I saw Larry’s sleepy face.

“You don’t wanna talk to me?” Larry said.

“Nope.” I said, emphasizing the p to solidify my lie.

“wooooow, that’s fucked up.” he replied, making me laugh as I flopped down onto the bed. Literally as soon as I got comfortable I felt my eyes getting heavier and heavier.

“I’m just kiddingggggggg.” I said, my words slurring with sleep and any remnants of alcohol I hadn’t muted with the greasy pizza. “I always want to talk to you.”

“You look so good.” Larry sighed with a big smile. I could faintly see darkness around him, it was clearly night time as he leaned against the window by his side. My stomach churned and my face warmed with his words. I couldn’t help myself.

“Stop it.” I said shyly, grabbing the blanket at the bottom of the bed and covering myself. “What are you doing?”

The rose and sandalwood blend that Noelle always wore filled my nostrils and made me miss her. It also only furthered my comfort levels as I felt myself sinking more and more into the bed.

“Driving back to the hotel.” He said with a yawn.

“New Zealand, right?”

“Yeah.” he replied quietly, staring at me through the screen.

“No club tonight?”

“We gonna go after we get back maybe? I dunno, the show went too crazy and I’m tired as hell.”

“Was it good?” I yawned, snuggling in more.

“It was so fucking good.” He was still speaking quietly, the microphone on his headphones making his voice sound like it was right beside me. I was tempted to shut my eyes, but I ignored the sting they provided and stayed alert. “The crowd was so wild. They cheer so hard for me and Lau baby, it was the best.”

“That’s so good!” I said back, mimicking his smile and energy even though I struggled to keep my eyes open now that I’d found a comfortable spot. I was toasty warm, covered in a blanket, snuggled into bed, and talking to Larry. I felt at peace.

“I hear you out all night.” Larry said with his eyebrow raised.

I tossed my head back, glancing up at the ceiling as I laughed. “You should have seen me. I was a dancing machine.”

Larry laughed. “I do see. You never dance like that for me, not in a long time I think…”

“What do you mean you saw?” Larry smiled and raised his eyebrows in response to my question. “Tyler posted shit?” I asked, kissing my teeth and rolling my eyes. I’d kill her when I woke up in the morning.

“You look sexy though. That little shorts you have on?” he hissed dramatically, shaking his head and putting his hand over his chest. “My God.”

“Don’t be dirty with the Lord’s name.”

“You look so good though I think I maybe in heaven.”

“Shut up” I laughed, still yawning and feeling my eyes water. Recollections of the night had me remembering the conversation with Karina…

I considered spilling the beans, but I didn’t want a fight. Not right now.

I still needed time to think.

“I’m serious…” Larry paused, the silence of the car he was in and the silence on my end was soothing and lulling, and allowed me to abandon the conversation on the tip of my tongue with ease.“You even more beautiful right now.”

I couldn’t help the soft grin tugging at my lips. He could be so charming. “Thank you, Larry.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I’m sure I’ll see you online in the morning at the club too.” I said, referring to the inevitable fan recorded videos that would flood my work timeline and my alerts.

“Man I going to bed I think, I’m so damn tired. They gonna want to stay up all damn night too.” He kissed his teeth again, prompting me to shake my head at the dramatics of it all.

“Oh please.” I replied through a yawn. “You never too tired to hit the club. Who you with?”

He flipped the camera, showing me Lau leaned against the opposite window to him, mouth ajar as he slept. They had to have been exhausted. These two never took an opportunity to skip out on going out just to rest. Even if they needed to in order to have a good day the next day, they’d push and push.

“He so ugly, liyah. He don’t look better than me ever. I ashamed sometimes.” He cracked on his twin as I laughed, calling him rude between insults. Before I knew it, Lau’s hand dove across the seat and smacked the phone from Larry’s hand.

After a mild tussle, Larry’s face was back on the screen, shaking his head and muttering French insults. Larry was usually the more physical one, while Lau’s verbal attacks were deadly, so I’m sure those slaps I heard came from Larry.

“That was rude.” I joked.

“Nah he a baby.”

“Fuck up, Larry.” Lau said off screen.

“Baby we pulling up to the hotel, I call you when I get in?”

“Yeah I might be asleep by then but you can try.”

“No no, get some rest. You a party animal now.” I laughed, knowing he teased at how much I valued sleep. “You better stay up with me next time I’m in town. I wanna see what you can do.”

“Larry.”

“You gonna show me?” He said with a smile and a slight tilt to his head. I sighed softly, making his eyes narrow.

Larry would get sexual occasionally and though we’d clearly crossed that line many times in the past, him not being here and making those jokes allowed me to still keep the distance I wanted to. I knew sleeping with him would throw me off.

“You so nasty Larry I don’t need to hear that shit.” Lau yelled, making me laugh. “Hi Liyah. You nasty too.”

I gasped in mock offense. “I didn’t do anything!.”

“Don’t listen to Lau.” I heard Larry say over my yawn. “Okay its time for you to go to bed.”

“Yeah I think i’m going to call it.”

“Bye baby, have a good morning okay?”

“I’ll talk to you soon.” I said, kissing my fingers twice toward him.

As soon as the call ended, I dropped my phone and was down for the count.

——– Larry took an extra hit, letting the smoke linger out of his mouth and quickly sucked it back in, lips poked out, still gently laughing. I smiled lightly, singing along quietly to Up by Wiz Khalifa.

Our hands grazed as he passed me the joint. I could feel a tingling on my face and while I knew I was high, that wasn’t the reason. Larry’s eyes caught mine just as Wiz crooned.

“You got me walkin on the ceiling” Larry mouthed along, closing his eyes as he layed back on my headboard.

I found myself lost in my thoughts. Smoking could be so… enticing sometimes. Almost erotic. From the woodsy aroma that the weed emits, the shape the smoke takes as it hits the air, how it can go from a heavy thickness to whispy and thin, the way it lingers wherever it touches… it was easy to find yourself immersed in the moment while you’re high, just watching everything happen around you.

It also didn’t hurt to watch the smoke exit the lips of a picturesque male like this one.

“You should dance to this boo.” I say, interrupting my own thoughts, nudging Larry’s side.

“Only if you sing for me…” he grinned at me, knowing I was much more apt to do so while high. His smile encouraged me.

“Nigga you aint slick.” I said, side eye-ing him playfully and catching myself falling under his spell like I always did.

These were the moments that could never and would never forget. The moments I loved with my love… my best friend.

We didn’t get to do this often, what with our work schedules and just life in general, but the connection never left… and unlike most relationships, the distance didn’t completely ruin it.

It had been harder to stay connected over the years but… I don’t think either of us could just completely let the other go.

Come to think of it, we were probably too damn old to be sitting up in a room, bed covered in snacks, getting high as hell and blasting music. But we loved it. and we made a point to always do it at least once while we’re together. More often than not more than once.

Because everything’s better when you’re high…

All of my senses were heightened at this point. I could smell the notes of the candles burning next to me, the most prominent one being the dark musky but sweet one brought back to me from belgium…only to be burned on special occasions. I could feel Larry’s heavy body on every piece of my skin.

For someone who could move so lightly, his presence could be so heavy. We were between j’s. Larry’s head resting on my chest, My hand tangled in his hair. Him playing with the fringes on the blanket covering us, breathing deeply from the feeling of my nails in his scalp. I could feel his fingers switch jobs, drumming the beat of the opening to the song on my thigh.

I was sent here for you, we were made to love, we were made to love. Could the music have been any more appropriate?

I could feel his voice vibrating against me, like he could mine. My body tingled with a warmth that I knew was more than the temperature. Larry’s scent, warm and inviting, made me feel safe and at home.

This was a familiar back and forth for us. No matter how few and far between these moments come, this would always be it.

“Who that?” Larry’s head popped up as the chime of my phone interrupts the song.

“mmm..” I paused awkwardly as I reached to my side, not fuily sure who it was, but also not wanting to ruin the moment. I was prepared to lie regardless of who it was but the name made me grateful inside. “It’s Lau. He’s pissed you didn’t answer him.”

“Yeah well he should still be pissed, your shit should be on silent too, like mine.“ he mumbled as we both settled back into the bed, side to side now instead of tangled amongst each other. "You not slick baby. Who you waiting to hear from?”

“No one… I just… forgot” I say, pausing to stall. My phone buzzed in my hand again. as a new message popped in the middle of the screen. “Lau is on his way soon.”

“Yeah, maybe he come in an hour or 2, that nigga slow.” his laugh deep, husky, and smoke filled…while holding a bright bunny tooth-ed smile, the annoyance his voice was previously filled with completely changing. Before I could point out his baby face and fully join in with his teasing, his phone rattled against my leg, shining an unsaved number. I ignored it the first time, as he generally keept his phone face down or unseen and on silent, no vibrate, no sound. Seeing the number pop up irritated me immediately, and uncontrollably.

Call me selfish. Call me out on the double standard. I don’t care. I know what those unsaved numbers mean… at least mine isn’t a random fuck…or a basic ass waste of time.

“Don’t pout at me like that baby, I know what you about to say.” He was the one who should have been questioned now, just as I had been a little while ago. The room darkened with my mood.

Neither of us could ever hide our emotions, especially with each other. My second nature scowl was obvious to him before it was obvious to me. “I’m not about to say anything,” I replied, shifting some more to attach my phone to the charger. “Go answer your phone, it’s annoying.”

“No… fuck that. its our time.” He sighed.

Like clockwork I glanced into my hands to see my phone quickly buzzing alerting me to a message, but not from the absent twin. Jamal… texting me, wondering why he hasn’t heard from me today, and seeing how my day is going. He knew where I was, who i was with. He wouldn’t press much.

Hed met the boys a few times. They didn’t like him, but they don’t like many niggas, especially ones who seem like they’re getting too close. The feeling was mutual on Jamal’s end.

He felt left by the wayside when Larry came around. But he knew I needed freedom, and caging me in would be the best way to lose me. So he let it be. We worked best that way.

I let the text go unread and unanswered initially, but I knew the jist of what was there. I guess Larry presumed I would answer it, because when I looked over toward him, his head was buried in his phone, tapping away quickly. I lingered close to my desk, pretending to look through my drawer to give him time. Once i turned back toward him, Larry threw his phone to the side. It began to vibrate immediately after leaving his hand.

“Answer it.”

“It’s business.”

Our words came out simultaneously. Larry rose up and made his way to the end of the bed, walking out of the pale blue room and closed the door behind him. I rolled my eyes, doubting business would have been ignored this long. I quickly shot Jamal a text, letting him know things were cool and we’d get together soon. I closed my eyes as “Good Morning” by kanye began to play, letting it fade into my high. into my head. Into me. —- Larry

The warmth surrounding me spread higher and higher until I tossed the heavy blanket off of my body, briefly disoriented and confused at my surroundings. My eyes burned with a combination of the lack of sleep I’d been getting and the bright sun streaming in through the window and directly covering my entire body. I looked over at the other bed, only to see Lau comfortably sleeping and unbothered by the head as I’d been.

My body was sore as I lifted up, and the dull crack of my joints could be heard through the room, making me cringe and smile in a weird delight at the sound.

Old pizza filled my nose and I looked down, only to see a box with crusts and a couple slices left next to a bottle of wine. The wine was for the girls of course, the pizza being by my bed had to have been my own doing.

Lau and I had one of the bigger rooms, just out of luck, making it the perfect post club party spot. With two days off from tour to travel, we went hard last night and ended up here to cap it all off.

Lau wasn’t too enthused to have the company, he had plans on bringing home a girl but we all nipped that in the bud. I on the other hand was determined to keep my dick in my pants for once, though a few of my consistent girls were definitely hitting my line as soon as they’d found out that the tour had landed in Glasgow.

I smiled to myself at the chicken wings that laid open next to the girls, as well as the many boxes of pizza’s that we’d ordered to have meet us back home after the club. My limbs felt like jello, but as vague bits of my dream came flooding back to me, I began to feel unsettled and uncomfortable in my spot.

I slowly and gingerly walked out into the main area of the suite, which was currently draped in even more sunlight than my bed had been. I smiled to myself at the chicken wings that laid open on the counter, as well as the other two pizza boxes and drinks everywhere. Ashley’s sweater was hanging over the couch, I’d have to remember to grab it for her.

I stretched, grunting once more at the noises my body made, only to see exactly what I had been looking for.

Right next to an open bottle of sprite sat my phone, all my rings, and my wallet. I shook my head, skimming the missed notifications and seeing nothing jumping out at me. Lau’s phone sat on the counter as well, charging and instead of leaving it in its spot, I replaced it with my own.

Just as soon as I’d touched his phone, it rang, and a familiar name crossed the screen, prompting me to answer.

"Lesssssss, wassup.” I said yawning and stepping out onto the balcony so as to not wake up Lau with my conversation. I knew it was fairly early and I could go back to sleep after this.

“Larry, hi, I actually wanted to talk to you.” I couldn’t recall the time change but I knew from the amount of energy Leslie had that it had to be fully into the day. it was bright on her end, and I could tell she had me propped up on her desk, as she clicked away at her computer and the different production devices she had recently gotten and taught herself to use. The drum machine to her left was specially recommended by me and purchased by Lau as a surprise.

Though they’d resolved that their relationship was best left to be open, as he traveled and avoided his own shit and she focused on her recovery, they still clearly felt strong ties and he would always be there for her. My brother had a wandering eye but he was always caring more than he let on. Especially when it came for Leslie.

“You call my brother’s phone to talk to me?”

She rolled her eyes. “You know if I called you first Lau would be mad at both of us for a week.”

We both laughed, she wasn’t lying.

“Listen, I’m about to send you the mix you asked me for, I added some kicks and I played with the last part you didn’t like.”

“Aww shit,” I praised her, feeling the vibration of a notification on my phone. I quickly glanced, seeing that I hadn’t turned my whatsapp off, and sighed, not seeing what I hoped it was. “Thank you. I gonna listen later.”

“Yeah just let me know what you think.”

“I will. How you feeling?”

“Good!” she replied. “Really good. I got PT in a couple hours so I’m just up, feeling ready to get some shit donw. They think I can get my casts off in two months!”

The excitement in her voice matched the bright look on her face and I couldn’t help but smile back. I knew how it bothered Leslie to be tied down to casts and wheelchairs. Her injuries weren’t life threatening thank God, but the road to recovery had been a stressful one to say the least.

“Two? That’s amazing!”

“Right?! I’ll still be in the wheelchair but just with soft casts instead of these hard ones. My rib is still healing but that’s going to just be a process I have to deal with.”

“Damn Les, I’m glad to hear that.”

“Thank you Larry.” My phone buzzed again and I quick glanced, noting that email that Leslie sent had made its way. When I came back to the screen Leslie had me on pause.

“Sorry, Aaliyah just hit me.”

“That makes one of us.” I replied bitterly.

“What?” Leslie asked. I sighed.

“Nothing, man.”

“What did you do.” She said with a hint of joking in her tone.

“Why you think I do something?” I bit back.

“Because you always do something.” Leslie said frankly. I cringed. I had really been out here like that?

Leslie clearly saw my distressed look and felt bad. “I’m kidding, Larry. If it makes you feel any better, Ali hasn’t said anything to me about you fucking up so I doubt you did anything too crazy.”

“She don’t answer my calls or my texts. I don’t get it. I only get emails from her for work. I even try to call her there, girl who answer phones there say she busy.”

“hmm…” she paused. “I mean she has been super busy lately. I barely have seen her.”

“You don’t see her much but you see her a little bit… and I know you talk to her. I don’t see, I don’t talk, and I try. Lau call her, she don’t answer him either. She know we don’t need nothing because we on tour, we not booked for too much but she only email us or text us for work. That’s it.”

“Larry she’s probably just busy.” Leslie assured me.

“She never this busy. Not to not talk to me.” I paused. “We don’t speak in like three weeks almost a month. I talk to her in Australia, and I don’t talk to her since.”

“Was it good when you talked?”

“Yeah, she go out with Tyler and I talk to her before she sleep. I text her in the morning, she reply "Ok.” and that’s it. I don’t talk to her other than for work since then.“

Leslie seemed to be just as confused as I was in the moment, which made the whole thing even weirder. Leslie knew everything that went on between Aaliyah and I and it was something.

"I don’t - I dunno what to say.” She said with a shrug. Her face empathetic to my clear frustrations, but I knew deep down that even if she did know, if Aaliyah had sworn her to secrecy, she would never tell me.

Briefly my mind went back to the dream I’d had last night.

– “Why you keep calling. What you want.“ I bit into the phone with my voice low. I couldn’t take Aaliyah, who was on the opposite side of this door, hearing me. We were at home, I was supposed to be taking a business call and here I was, answering phone calls I had no business answering. This was the last time.

“Damn babe I didn’t know it was like that?”

“Karina… you did know. stop calling me. I see you when I see you.”

“Baby I-“

“Stop that ‘baby’ shit!” I said firmly, sick of her shit. She knew where I was, and who i was with, and as a result hadn’t stopped nagging me, calling, or texting. I could only ignore for so long.

“Nigga whatever.” she said with a sigh. “frontin on me because you’re with that bitch.”

“Ay, watch your mouth.”

“NIGGA FUCK YOU AND HER! SHE AINT SHIT. WHEN THIS BABY GETS HERE WHAT YOU GONNA DO THEN HUH? AND ANOTHER THING…” I hung up before she could get started instead of playing her game. I refused to waste time hearing her shit, or getting pissed and having Aaliyah read me like a book.

I was already giving her enough drama with Karina having a baby, my baby, and Aaliyah, still working her ass off for us, and loving me at the same time. I was already sharing my time between her, work, and my extracurriculars. I didn’t need to give her more stress.

She always knew, even when I tried to hide it, even when she gave me passes. I broke the rules every time I could and still here she was.

I don’t want her probing… or worrying - not anymore than she already did. I would be done with it all once the baby came.

Plus, Aaliyah hates Karina. hell… I hate Karina. but she was so easy to be with. So was Jordyn. and Melanie… and Toya.

Even though my girls were having a hard time letting go, Karina was the worst of them all. I didn’t care though. I made a promise. I would keep this one. This time it was real.

Quickly, after taking a deep breath, I took the call with one of our promoter friends off of mute in order to hear about the upcoming gig Lau and I had in Nepal. It was so crazy…. living in and out of hotels, different places every night.

Home is where the heart is though right?

Home for now would be wherever I could lay my head.

If I had to pick a consistent place though, it would be here. This sunny home in the middle of the city… with her. Always with her.

I barely listened to the details, walking around, pacing from room to room and before finally getting back to the door I’d walked out of initially. Things were unfamiliar, but also completely familiar too. I likened it to not being here in some time.

Everything always changed around me. I watched the walls darken from a pale grey to a deeper charcoal.

After ending the call with a promise of an email, i stepped back through the door, candle wax and slight lingering smoke mostly from the blown out candles still flowing in the air. That, and her perfume. So distinct, but I never knew what exactly it was.

Sometimes, before I left town, I would spray a couple of her smells onto my stuff, just to feel her near. It was never the same but it was as close as I could get. It smelled like comfort. Memories. Love.

Aaliyah was right there, laying on the bed, eyes closed, vibing. I can hear her humming harmonies quietly along with James Blake, too zoned to notice me right away.

Her bed was floating.

Yeah. If I had to choose a home, it would be here…her.

I smiled at the thought of her traveling the world with me. Coming home to this every night. My best friend. I love her. In another life, we’d be perfect. I’d be perfect for her. Everything she deserved.

After everything Aaliyah and I had been through, we were here. Together but not.

I climbed higher and higher until I found myself right beside her, enveloped in clouds. I snuggled myself in closely to her body, mumbling into her ear.

"You know I love you right?” I asked, as she moved, fighting the impending nap that would follow soon.

I really did. I could deny and run and be with whoever but Aaliyah would always be the one I wanted.

I felt the bed rising, floating in the room and I smiled as the bed slowly shifted into the clouds we were surrounded by. The scenery had completely changed and I was at peace.

All because of her.

“You hear me, Ali?” I closed my eyes and breathed in her skin. “ I love you.”

There was no response. I couldn’t feel her under my arm anymore. I opened my eyes - stark white walls surrounded me and where she once laid there was nothing but cold bedsheets. - “I can ask you something?” I shook myself out of my thoughts, this dream wasn’t new. Different versions of it with the same ending plagued me for more than a few nights the past couple of weeks. “Larry I promise I don’t know w-”

“I think one day Aaliyah gonna get so sick of me, so sick of my shit that she gonna leave me.”

Leslie sighed, her mouth opening and closing without words.

“She gonna leave me alone for good you know? And It gonna kill her to do that because I know she care for me. But …you think she too good for me, Leslie?”

“What?”

“You think Aaliyah too good for me? Like she maybe deserve better than me?”

“Larry -”

“No, seriously. Tell me what you think.” I swallowed my stress.

“Yeah.” my chest sunk with her direct answer. “Yeah I do.”

I nodded, not knowing what to say or what even I expected to come out of her mouth.

“But Larry, I think Aaliyah is too good for everybody.”

I shook my head at her attempt to make her candidness better. “Leslie don-”

“Aaliyah is my best friend. That is my sister.” She paused with emphasis. “I would do anything for her and I know she would do anything for me. I’ve never met anyone who I felt fully deserves her because she’s one of the best people I know. Deserve isn’t the right word for this though.”

She paused, thinking a bit before continuing. “You make Aaliyah happy. Very happy. And I know she does the same for you. I see it when yall are together. You two have something very special and that’s undeniable. Anything that makes her happy is good with me.”

I took a deep breath, still silently pondering what she was saying. “Aaliyah isn’t the most transparent with her feelings but she’s… she’s so soft on the inside. She needs someone who can bring her happiness, make her feel loved and safe. You make her feel good, whether she would admit that or not.”

“She make me feel good too.” I said back quietly.

“I know.” Leslie nodded. “I know she does.”

We sat silently for a minute, both of us pausing mid conversation with the unexpected weight of the moment.

Leslie broke the silence first. “But are you ready?”

“For what?” I asked, knowing the answer.

“For this? All of this?” I didn’t reply.

I couldn’t say. Part of me definitely was, but another part still yelled for the free life I’d been living.

“I don’t want you to think that I’m saying this to sway you. You make her happy Larry, yes.” Leslie took a breath, picking up the phone from its resting place and holding it closer to her face. “You make her happy but if you’re not ready, you’re going to waste her time. That’s not fair to her at all. If you jump into this when you’re not ready, and you fuck around with her feelings, I’ll make sure that you never get the chance again.”

My words failed to find me again and she continued. “You two work together and she would never ruin anything professionally but off the clock, I’d make sure you never got the chance to get this close to her again. Even if that meant me losing Lau.”

“Leslie I’m not gonna hurt her.” I said, my mouth dry. “I never want to hurt her. I just don’t want her to leave me because she sick of wait for me to get my shit together. She too good for hurt like that.”

“But you did hurt her.” She said frankly.

“I know.”

“So then what, Larry?”

“I don’t know…” I sighed. “I really don’t know.”

[leaveharmony]

** this got mad towards the end and it wasn't a targeted sort of mad at anyone in particular so much as a tired & probably-stemming-from-always-having-thing-I-enjoy-and-the-way-I-engage-with-it belittled sort of mad.  And as my father has always taught me, having or expressing emotions is shameful and wrong, so sorry.

Idk I think it's like....harder for me to cast judgement RE: ~cheating scandals~ or w/e because it goes back to it all being completely theoretical to me. No one's ever, face to face, at any time in any way expressed any kind of romantic interest in me whatsoever, I've never been in a relationship of any kind. ��It hasn't come up, and that's fine.  Whether this is a case of you cannot miss what you've never had or whether I'm just like....a broken empty vessel for whom the yearning for human contact has gone beyond recall or desire, I dunno, and it doesn't concern me.  This isn't a pity me statement or an uwu secret crush notice me statement, I literally don't care at this point and tbh can't remember ever having done so.

Probably my oldest friend at this point, she....like as long as I've known her she's dated married men almost exclusively (and this started when we were both in highschool, when she was screwing around w/ her married english teacher - something I now understand was shocking predatory behaviour and probably statutory rape besides, but she does not acknowledge it as such so bring it up isn't my place).  She's been seeing the current one for at least three years now, I think, and he's married.  It's certainly an uncomfortable thing, and god knows I don't believe he could possibly think much of her or his wife if he's been doing this for so long and never once manned up and been honest or seriously considered ending his marriage.  But it's her life and we don't talk much anymore anyway, so I've never felt like it was my job or my place to be her therapist RE: holy shit what the fuck is wrong with you why do you do this to yourself and how could you do this to someone else?

Like full disclosure she started ‘seeing’ that english teacher when we were sort of puppy love internet-together (another long story but she wanted to or at least said she did and I sorta went along with it cos I didn't want to hurt her feelings...which of course, then it certainly seemed v. much like she didn't have many of, considering within a week she was having it off w/ someone else...again, this was a detached ‘Oh’ kind of moment, not really connected to any real hurt as she had instigated this and I hadn't really felt anything myself...it was upsetting in a sort of, ‘so this is what people do when they tell you they love you, that is disappointing but I guess life is not fiction’ kind of way but not in a ‘how could you, I love you’ kind of way.  As a first/only experience it could have gone better tbh, but it certainly gave me the right level of expectation afa being used & discarded when someone more convenient came along).

It's possible that most of the people I have ever known have just been fundamentally really bad at relationships and so I just sort of assume this is a normal thing; my father is an abusive shitbag and we're inescapably trapped with him, grandpa was a sort of...disinterested stick in the mud with a frightening temper for whom my grandmother gave up all her interests in sports and the outdoors because he did not share them.  Wabs never married, Tosh told me like she was expecting a pat on the back and a medal that she'd been faithful to her husband as he died of cancer 'even though she  ‘didn't have to be.’  And my instinctive reaction wasn't GOOD FOR YOU so much as it was “....what?!” but again...I didn't speak, because what the fuck do I know?  Maybe ppl run off and start seeing other ppl as soon as their partners get so much as a headcold all the time.

Ppl just sorta get abused and trampled and left and cheated on and discarded, or they do the same to others, and it just looks like a hell of a mess I'm well out of, tbh.  Which I guess is another reason...unless somebody's getting beat or otherwise abused, I feel like it's none of my business.  So honestly, “Tana slept around when he was single and one day some chick he canoodled with for like two months stabbed him for it” is filed under “Yeah that'll happen, thank god he didn't die” rather than “Hahahahaha karma amiright he totes deserved it, domestic abuse and attempted murder are hilarious when they’re directed at men who’re full of themselves!”

Nobody needs to tell me to have low fuckin' expectations for men, ok, I live under the boot of one of their idiot kings.  Tell me Tana fatshames his family for eating, tell me he gaslights them or acts like when they’re hurt or injured they’re making it up to personally inconvenience him, tell me they have to rigidly control their emotions around him to avoid setting off his violent temper, and ok.  Tell me he's a bigot, tell me he hits his family, tell me he hates women, tell me he's a rapist, ok.  But like...’he had a lot of sex and probably hurt people's feelings’ is not really high on my list of cardinal offenses b/c as far as I can tell, that's fucking everyone.  It isn't like he still does, it isn't like he's not tried to put it behind him and grow from it and be better.  It's practically his motto.   Why is ‘I acted in a shitty way but I'm trying to atone and I still look back and feel guilty about it’ only an admirable, affirming  thing to aspire to when it's a tumblr post & not when a guy is straight up saying it?  Which he has, on multiple occasions.  Can't change the past, can only try to learn from it.

At.  Least.  He.  Fucking.  Tries.

When has redneck george ever walked back his comments about gay ppl or his Islamophobia, when has Lesnar?  Beyond a token apology and chasing it w/ a dozen I'M NOT A RACIST THO interviews when has Hogan really acknowledged the depths of how he fucked up?  When did Warrior apologize for his vile bigotry, where's Elgin sincerely regretting being a fucking piece of shit dragging a rape victim's name through the mud?  Jericho's response to ‘hey maybe you shouldn't be advertising your cruise by saying there will be loads of bikini-clad women there available for you to ogle’ was essentially ‘are you triggered, bro, y so srys?’ and at no point did he objections seriously.  Orton never so much as thinks for two seconds before condemning BLM protesters or footballers who take the knee, AND he voted for Trump, but other than hollowly chanting that he's not a racist while blatantly doing things that are racist, silence.  Honma beat his girlfriend, Snuka murdered his partner, Austin smacked Debra around, Angle got stoned out of his mind and broke into his ex's apartment, X-Pac hit Chyna, exactly how often do they refer back to what happened, when did they apologize or express regret or even acknowledge any of it?  I mean I guess Benoit can't, what with the fucking suicide after he bashed in Nancy's skull and murdered his son.

Ppl have different things they can tolerate and forgive, is I guess my point, or at least one of them.  Which is fine!  I mean...I'd sure fucking side-eye anybody who writes any of the above a pass, but, I guess everybody's stories and reasons are different.

I like Tana.  I'm a fan of his.  Ok?  Like it probably sounds like I think he's a flawless angel crowned with light b/c compared to my fucking father, he IS.  It doesn't mean I'm being willfully blind to mistakes he's made or that I'm absolving him of every sin he's ever committed.  I think he's a good person and it's heartening and encouraging that he's in the world and if saying so without adding 18 asterisks about past behaviour and an disclaimer acknowledging all men as shit and all people as inherently flawed makes me a gullible childish ~fangirl~ than ok, I guess I am.  Everybody knows my tags for wrestling/wrestlers, which are there as much as a courtesy to anybody who needs to blacklist as they are a filing system for me (that’s why there’s a catch-all!  For ppl I haven’t thought up tags for yet or don’t intend to!), and tumblr savior is right there if me being silly about my favs in my own space bothers everybody so fucking much, god knows it wouldn't be the first time I set somebody cringing and they had to tune me out before they quietly dropped my ass like a particularly stupid puppy on a country road.  That I am a sloppy fawning emotional mess of untreated neurosis who hyperfixates on things & people who make me feel halfway hopeful for entire minutes at a time & gets stupidly overexcited about stuff isn't new information to me, so if you can't deal with that then... Well...sorry, honestly.  Like sincerely.  I know how I am and I try not to be but I can't help it sometimes when I like something.  Don't feel bad about leaving if you don't want to deal with it, cos I get it, honestly.  Have exactly zero (0) guilt feelings about it.  I’m a fundamentally repulsive creature, ppl have hard limits on how long they can put up with me, and so it has always been, and so it goes.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #283

“if teardrops could be bottled, there’d be swimming pools filled by models”

How much would you tip a waiter or waitress for good service? I honestly don’t even know the proper etiquette of tipping because I almost never ever have been in a sit-down restaurant where I’ve paid because of the whole “I don’t have an income” thing. If for whatever reason I did, I would have asked the person with me how. I do (maybe…) believe however that there should be a baseline for how much you tip, even if your experience is somewhat unpleasant. You don’t know what that person is going through that day. If it’s just pure awful, then I might not tip at all, but I think I’d honestly feel way too guilty. Who is your favorite character from the television sitcom Friends? I don’t watch it. Whose name might you have tattooed on your body? None. Well, I guess if I had hypothetical kids, I might, especially as a tribute if they died. What is something that you always need to leave plugged in? I always at least have my laptop charger plugged into the wall, but not always into my computer as to not totally kill the battery. I just need it a lot because I’m only always on it. Who might you send a selfie to? I don’t send them to anyone, really, save for specific occasions. I just take selfies once in a blue moon to change my Facebook picture, honestly. I feel weird just sending people pictures of me because I feel like I’m screaming, “HEY LOOK AND COMPLIMENT ME!!!!!!!!!”, so it makes me uncomfortable. I only did semi-recently because my friend did my makeup for a Halloween shoot and for once in my goddamn life I felt really pretty so sent it to Sara. Name an item in or on your bed every night. My phone is on the right upper corner of my bed so I can check it when I wake up; I always wake up throughout the night and wanna know what time it is. Out of your work shift, how much time do you spend doing “actual work”? Well one, define “actual work,” but odds are almost zero because I don’t have shit to do. How long do your New Years resolutions typically last? I don’t make ‘em. Who would you call first after getting engaged to tell them the news? Most likely Mom. What’s the song that reminds you of the person you like?Okay so deadass I listened to NSP’s “Wish You Were Here” cover recently and kinda cried lol. Are you good at holding back your tears? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love? My goddamn sanity. How many jobs do you have? None. Do you have any memories you want to erase? There’s one occasion with Jason I wish I could forget so, so badly. Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? No. I don’t believe in pre-determined destinies and such, and thus I don’t see anything as “meant” and “not meant” to be. Do you believe in destiny? Wow, good timing lmao. Do you believe that things will get better? I like to think so. Have you ever drunk dialed someone? No. Have you ever worn a tiara? Haha, I think on my 18th birthday maybe, my friend Summer came with us to dinner and brought me a birthday tiara. If someone offered to take you out for your birthday, where would you decide to go? I almost always go to Olive Garden for dinner. But, after trying the Cheesecake Factory for the first time… *eyes emoji* If you plan to have kids, what will you tell them about Santa Clause? I’m not having kids, but hypothetically, I’d let them believe it. It’s so magical as a kid and brings so much excitement. I’d tell them the truth when it feels appropriate, and if I know they’re not the type to go telling other kids for no reason “HEY MY MOM SAID SANTA’S NOT REAL SO UR DUMB.” I’d be damned if they ruined it for other children. If you have ever been employed, have you ever been attracted to your boss? What about a co-worker? Not that I remember. Do [would] you avoid kissing your [possibly hypothetical] significant other when you or they are ill? Look man I made out with my ex while he was recovering from bronchitis before we knew it wasn’t contagious so OOPS yeah because I am 110% the “if you’re sick, I’m sick” dumbass all the while going FULL Mom Mode taking care of the person. What was the last thing you bought, other than food? With my own money, that is a daaaamn good question. I only really use it/am given it for food. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? No. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? Do you know what that person is doing at this moment? My mom. She’s in the living room watching TV, probably. Think back to the last time you cried, or felt like crying. Who or what helped you to feel better? My mom. Do you own any accessories with your name or initial on them? No, they don’t appeal to me. Is there someone of the opposite sex that knows everything, or almost everything, about you? I would say Jason, but we haven’t seen or spoken to each other for almost four years, and I’m a much different person by now, and I’m sure he is, too. Do you remember the last time you cried because you missed someone? A few weeks back I had a breakdown over Jason again. My PTSD was and still is being pretty rough lately. Are your eyes the same color as your sibling(s)? Just my brother. Anything in your room that you’re hiding from your parents, or someone else? No. What’s your most noticeable flaw? Thinking about it, probably my extreme aversion to conflict. I will BOLT from confrontation. And what’s your best feature? I’m extremely empathetic. Have you ever hallucinated? Yeah; I would see shadows move when I was coming off a certain med. Do you have fangirl-ish tendencies? ………………. Have you ever replied “OK” when someone confessed they liked you? Wow, no. Either admit reciprocated feelings or gently turn them down. The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, or The Beatles? OHHHHHHHH BUDDY. Led Zeppelin, I think… but maybe the Stones. Idk. What would you do for immortality and infinite youth? Nothing. Would you rather have a pool or a hot tub? A pool. Is your handwriting legible? Yes. Well, some people find it slightly difficult because it’s kinda fancy. Have you ever held a baby chick? Yes! Do you think ‘everything bagels’ are disgusting? I’m not a fan. Do you live with anyone that you try to avoid at all costs? No. What did you last get upset about? How incredibly fuckin weak my body is. When is the last time you personally made someone else cry? I don’t know. How many more people do you think you’ll kiss before you die? Hopefully only one. I do NOT want to deal with anymore heartbreak, nor do I want to waste anymore time with someone I’m not going to spend the rest of my life with. Are you more spiritual or religious? Spiritual. Ever been to a rave? Nooooo, most definitely not my scene. Are you afraid to name the person you talk the most shit about? No. Song playing right now? I’m listening to “PRESIDENT X” by 3TEETH rn. Have you ever laughed at someone because they had a funny name? No, that’s incredibly rude. Speaking of names, why do celebrities always call their kids stupid ones? They’re not all “stupid”…? There are some beautiful names I’ve heard. It’s none of my business why others’ children are named what they are. Do you get car sick easily? I don’t. Do you think you’re a good conversationalist? Why is that? NO. I’m just awkward and don’t know what to talk about or what to say back to people a lot. Awhile back though my friend Ian told me I was actually a really nice one and it meant a LOT to me. Hearing someone say that reassured me a little bit. Have you ever been on a float in a parade? What were you doing on it? No. Have you ever been in a helicopter? No. Have you ever had chicken pox? No. Who is your favorite animated character? Oh boy that’s hard man, idk. Maybe Ninetales, at least aesthetically. Idk about as characters themselves. Is it easy to make you gag? Yeah. Who’s your favorite Disney character? Probably Scar. Would you rather have a pet crocodile or a pet octopus? I deadass kinda want a caiman lol. It’s something I doubt I’ll actually do, though. Do you like Ritz crackers? Yeah. Do you have any designer clothing? If so what brand? No. Were you afraid of the dark when you were little? Not very, no. What are your opinions on war in general? It’s fucking awful and could be avoided if people weren’t so goddamn hasty, selfish, and uncompromising, among many other adjectives. Do you like pretzels? Yessss, especially soft ones. Have you ever wanted to be a writer? Yeah, tons of times in my life on-and-off. Did you even vote? This is the very first year I actually did. I felt really bad for not acting, only complaining about my government, and “silence speaks” was heavy on my head. Did some research to educate myself, and I felt amazing afterwards. What is your favorite flavor of gum? Usually watermelon. Are you wearing any bandaids? If so, where and why? No. Do you currently have any bruises on you? No. Do you/did you like or dislike school? I always hated it. Are you currently wearing any lotion? No. Do you ever make recipes found online? What was the last one? I don’t cook, so… but there sure are some that look good. If you smoke weed, what do you usually do after you get high? If you don’t, what would you do if everyone around you were smoking? I never have, so I wouldn’t know. Haha, for the second half, sit there awkwardly… been there once. What’s the last thing you ordered online? The next Wings of Fire book. Starting Sunny’s story now. Tell me about your favorite dress. I had this spring dress in high school that was white with purple skulls on it in a floral design… It was really cute and just has a special memory tied to it. Have you ever slept in a waterbed? If so, what was it like? Yeah, that used to be considered “fun” as a kid. They’re not awful, but not that comfortable either, and if I remember well, it’s easy to get sweaty because of the material. How many floors does your house have? Just one. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Yes. Do you enjoy sappy love songs? Hell yeah I do. Do you ever buy the same shirt in different colors? Simple tank tops, yeah. Ever made out on a rooftop? Damn dude no I’d be paranoid of falling off lmao. One place you will never eat at? Arby’s. If someone went through your pictures, would they find a "bad" one? Nope.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #284

“mama, we’re all full of lies / mama, we’re meant for the flies”

When was the last time you changed a lightbulb? About a month or so back I had to change Venus’ heat lamp. Who was the last person you sent an e-mail to? I emailed my older sister the OneDrive link to her holiday pictures I did. When was the last time you visited the dentist? What about the optician? It’s been quite a few months since I went to the dentist for a normal cleaning. I haven’t seen an eye doctor in around a year or so because it’s a less pressing matter, and we can’t afford to buy me new glasses anyway. I desperately need them. Do you sleep on your side, your back or your front? My side, stomach, or like a contortion of both. Would you rather drive or be the passenger? Let me be shotgun controlling the music and I’m set for a long ride. When was the last time you received a handwritten letter? Sara sent me one I think two years ago for my birthday. If you have pets, do you buy them gifts for Christmas or their birthdays? Ha, yes. We don’t know either’s exact birthday though, so we don’t really “celebrate” those. Do you know how to ride a bike? How about ride a skateboard? A bike, yeah. I don’t know how to skateboard, though. Did you get enough sleep last night? How much sleep is enough sleep for you? No. I don’t even know what “enough sleep” is. I’m always tired. What are your favourite condiments? Do you use those often? Ketchup and honey mustard probably top the list, considering they’re the ones I use most. Peanut butter: crunchy or smooth? Do you have a favorite brand? I trust no one who can enjoy crunchy peanut butter. I like Skippy quite a bit. Do you have any life-threatening allergies? No. Have you had to take a COVID test yet? Was it positive or negative? I haven’t needed to take one. Do you think it’s okay to keep cats indoors for their entire lives? They SHOULD be. Cats are very destructive and disruptive predators of once-stable environments. They fuck up the food chain and have done a lot of damage to native populations. This is coming from a person whose house was an absolute NEST for cats to the point they were taken away. They lived outside, and I can only imagine the harm they really caused. Of course, as a kid, I didn’t understand this, but as an educated and experienced adult when it comes to this subject, it’s saddening to look back on. Please, keep your cats inside. AND FIXED. Hence our cat empire lmao. Do you think people should need a license in order to keep animals, just to make sure they knew how to properly take care of them? That would actually be LOVELY. If only. Not that it would entirely prevent illegal ownership, but I like to think most people are law-abiding citizens… Which meal of the day is your favorite? What’s your favorite thing to eat for that meal? BREAKFAST! Cinnamon rolls just gotta top the list. When was the last time you bounced on a trampoline? Would you ever want to go to one of those indoor trampoline parks? It has to have been so, so many years. My knees could NEVER take that now. I’m not interested in that. What’s your favorite thing to put on a baked potato? Butter, American cheese, and bacon bits… yum. Have you ever made money selling stuff online? What was it you were selling? I don’t think so, at least not successfully. Do you have a valid passport? When was the last time you used it? No. What was the last song you sung along to? I’m unsure. I rarely sing along to songs. What was the last piece of fruit you ate? What about the last vegetable? Fruit: apple. Vegetable: ummm I’m actually unsure. Probably broccoli. Have you ever lied to the police or a customs official? Were you ever found out? No. Are you much of a procrastinator, or would you rather get things out of the way so you can relax? I am a HEAVY procrastinator. When was the last time you took an exam of any kind? I don’t know. Probably not since I was in school. What snacks/drinks from your childhood do you wish they still made? Ah man, I know there’s some… just too many to dig through to try and remember. Are you a fan of techno? Yeah, sometimes. Who's your favorite horror movie villain/monster? I don’t particularly like one over the other. What's an 'obsession' of yours that most people would find odd or amusing? Probably how much I love Mark, given that being a “fangirl” is usually seen as juvenile. What's the sweetest thing another person has said or done for you? Probably Colleen letting me live with her while I was homeless for a month or two. Said to me, actually from Colleen’s sister; I was having a crying episode over Jason and she just grabbed my head and told me with such passion that I was so beautiful, strong, and deserved the world. Safe to say I started crying more lmao but at least it wasn’t from sadness. What's the absolute best feeling in the world? Being in love. Does the person you have feelings for know you feel that way? Yeah. Do you like Tim Burton? Um, duh. How do you feel about hypnotism? I don’t believe it works. It’s just the power of suggestion. How do you feel about Pink Floyd? I’m not a big fan, but I like some songs. What’s your preferred way of keeping fit? Is it something you make time to do on a regular basis? You assume I AM fit… but I really am trying to change that with WiiFit again, once the living room is cleaned up. I plan to insert it into my morning routine. Have you ever raised a puppy? Would you want to or would you prefer to adopt an adult rescued dog? Yes, Teddy. Right now I don’t want another dog, but hypothetically, I’d absolutely go for an adult rescue. Who was the last person to come to your house? Were they an expected visitor? My younger sister. Yes. If you work, is your job the same everyday, or does it vary depending on what you have on? N/A Would you ever be interested in owning your own business? Why or why not? Well, I want to be a freelance photographer, so… It’s not off the ground enough for me to *officially* call it a business, but while it’s absolutely so exciting to picture, it’s also very anxiety-inducing, the idea of it (hopefully) getting to that point since I’m dumb as fuck in regards to business stuff. Do you have your driver’s license? If so, did you find it easy or difficult to learn and pass your test? Ugh, I don’t. I need it so badly, I know, but right now, I couldn’t even if I wanted to because my vision is too bad to possibly pass that part, and I can’t afford to see an eye doctor + get a new prescription. If you have pets, how often do you buy them new treats and toys? Venus is a snake, so… yeah, lol. She needs a bigger terrarium, though, but a 40 gallon is expensive. Roman gets a new toy every now and then, but he doesn’t play with them as much anymore. If you had to work a job that required you to do shifts, would you rather work the early, late or night shift? Early. Get it over with. Do you have a favorite type of survey to take? Yeah; I like the ones that make me think or are just questions I definitely haven’t seen before but are also interesting. Some random questions are way too specific to apply to most people. On a typical day, how long do you spend out of the house? Even before the pandemic, usually zero time. Do you live in a close-kit community? Well we’re the new family on the block, so it’s hard to tell quite yet. People were welcoming, though. Do you have a vlog? NOOOOOOOOOO. If not, have you ever considered starting a vlog? No, I would feel WAY too fuckin awkward. Did you go to AM or PM kindergarten? AM. What are your favorite YouTube channels to watch? The whole world knows Markiplier is my true favorite channel, but lately I’ve really been digging pet (particularly reptile or tarantula) channels, Snake Discovery in specific. I’ve been bingeing the fuck outta them. I’ve officially become the “I know more than you” Petco meme lmao. Which relative(s) do you look the most like? Idk. Have you ever watched a live birth video? FUCK no. I never would. That could be so fucking scarring to middle school kids, for Christ’s sake. I’ve never understood why they show them in a lot of health classes. Have you ever given birth? Fuck to the no; never plan to, either. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Nah. Have you ever worn overalls? Ugh, as a kid. They’re so hideous to me now. If you’re a girl, how old were you when you started your period? I was in the 6th grade, so 11-12. Is your mom mentally stable? I mean she has depression, but otherwise, yeah. What color hair did your first crush have? I can’t really remember who my first crush was with certainty… but I think I might. If I’m right, blond. What was the name of your first crush? ^ in minds, I think Aaron. Did you ever play on Mamamedia.com? Doesn’t ring a bell. Do you remember your first email address? Haha, yeah, it’s still my current one… Did you name your Lego characters? I was more of a Lincoln Logs kid. Do you take medication for anxiety or depression? Both. If so, does it work? Does it help you? Or does it make you feel worse? I’d probably be dead without at least my mood stabilizers. Have you ever had a bag stolen? I don’t believe so. Who was your best friend in high school? Hannia. What book or movie gave you nightmares as a child? Ha, no books or movies, I think, but remember King Ramses from that episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog? Oh, trust me, I HAD NIGHTMARES. What song makes you cry? The most, probably “Eternally Yours” by Motionless In White. I physically cannot listen to it. Does anyone know who your first crush was besides you? Maybe Mom? Idk. How many teachers have you had crushes on? None. Did you make your Barbie dolls get crushes on each other? I actually don’t remember? I don’t think we had any male Barbies, and of course as a little kid raised in the South especially, I didn’t even realize homosexuality was a thing, so we never considered the girls dating. Did your Barbie dolls go on dates? ^ How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16. Do you have scars from self-harm? No, they’re long faded and were thankfully never very severe. Did your hair change at all when you went through puberty? Yep, it gradually turned brown. Are you taller, shorter, or the same height as your mom? We’re the same height. Would you ever consider adopting a child? I don’t want kids, period. The only possible case I see is being a stepmom, but even then I can’t visualize me being one to an actual kid-kid. Just like, maybe a mid-teen and above. Do you trim your own hair? No. What are all the things you remember being for Halloween? I’m very surprised that I don’t remember many at all. I know I was a witch multiple times. What was the name of the first pet that you loved? I adored almost every pet my family has ever had. Our first was a stray cat named Chance we took in. INCREDIBLE animal. What color was your nursery? I have zero clue. Do you exercise regularly? Ugh, no, but I genuinely plan on changing that once the living room is cleaned up and Mom moves into her room. I’m very serious about starting Wii Fit again. I WAS gonna start walking once we moved here, but I found I was too scared to alone. I’m way too paranoid. Do you have a healthy BMI? lol What photo editing software do you use? Lightroom, Photoshop, and very rarely PhotoScape if I’m being lazy with watermarking my photography. Do you live somewhere with lots of livestock or wild animals? Livestock, yeah. You pass cows all the time around here. If you’re in a more wooded area, you’ll find roadkill kinda frequently, sadly. Would you rather live somewhere rural or urban? Rural. It’s the only thing that sucks about our new home – we’re in the suburbs. Is there anything (a hobby, for example) that’s guaranteed to always make you feel better when you’ve had a bad day? Not 100%, really. If the day was truly awful, sometimes nothing helps. If you’re struggling with your mental health, who are you most likely to open up to, or would you bottle it up instead? I vent to my mom the most. What room of your house do you spend the most time in? Is this through choice or necessity? My room, and it’s by choice. The second room that I wanna make my “office” is still LOADED with stuff from moving. If you could design your own garden, what would you have in it? Do you think that dream is ever going to be achievable for you? I don’t want a garden. Does it take you a long time to fall asleep at night? What do you if you’re really struggling to get to sleep? It can take me very, very long. I dread lying down some nights just because I know I’ll be tossing and turning for a good while. If I’ve tried to sleep for a long time to no avail, I do what you shouldn’t do and get back on the laptop. Do you think it’s cruel when people keep exotic animals as pets? Or do you think it’s okay as long as they have the space, time and money to dedicate to them? This depends on the animal and situation. I do believe some rescue cases are justified for the animal’s survival, but as the question mentions, you need to be able to provide adequately for it to be moral imo. I do NOT support exotic pet ownership for the average person. If you eat meat, is there a particular animal you’d never eat? If you don’t eat meat, what’s the reason for it? I could never eat a “pet” animal, nor an animal hunted mostly for sport. Even in survival cases, I’d have a hard time eating a wild animal.