#idk where I put it so I guess I’m a dumb fucker forever

[sparkburst]

It’s been 5 years since I got this card from a hibachi chef

[djemsostylist]

Djem's Legion Thoughts

About three years ago my brother joking suggested I read the Horus Heresy, knowing literally nothing about Warhammer. (Literally nothing. I just thought Space Marines were big dudes in armor and I had never heard of Primarchs and I still know nothing of 40k. Have no idea how the Heresy ends--I'm spoiler free babes.) Anyway, what follows are my feelings on each Legion at the following times:

As of midway through Fulgrim

At the end of First Heretic

At the start of the Master of Mankind

Halfway through the Siege

This is very long. I'm not sorry.

Dark Angels

idk I haven’t met them yet, but their name tells me they are either going to be amazing or fucking awful

Um I still dk

God I fucking love these stupid idiots. Like, they are stupid, for sure, but I dunno, I dig their bizarre sort of pseudosecrecy thing. Plus, aesthetically I’m all about weird monk orders. Also, nothing kills me quite like Farith Redloss having anxiety attacks over trying to figure out Lion.

Corswain showing up like the living embodiment of the dude with the pizza where the apartment is on fire is just so deeply on brand for these chucklefucks like, Lion is all “I’m deeply uncomfortable where Imperial Secundus is concerned so instead I’ll just go ahead and attack home planets because that will demoralize the traitors and then I’m Doing My Part” like fam, pretty much all the traitors sans Perturabo are actual literal demons rn and they all had zero qualms betraying their immediate brothers and also the emperor (and Perturabo already fucked over his own) why in the livid fuck would you think this is in any way helpful, but this is Classic Lion and I love him now on account of that one time when he hugged Roboute because he was proud of him and also because he calls all of his sons “Little Brother” bc he is afraid of being a dad and also because I too am deeply avoidant of issues I don’t want to deal with.

Emperor's Children

mostly wonderful, because they are fabulous and also extremely extra, but they have the most ginourmous fuckwad as a Lord Commander, BUT they have a very good boy as another one, so idk really. Plus the whole betrayal thing and the fucking lodges, but they are purple and fabulous, so, +1?

These are the saddest boys ever in the whole world, and they didn’t deserve what happened to them. I loved them all except for Eidolon and they didn’t deserve anything bad to happen to them ever bc they were precious and I loved them. Also Fabius because he was bugnuts and he hurt my boys.

Jesus, I’m so fucking over them all

Honestly I’m so tired

Iron Warriors

I totally confused them with the Iron Hands. Idk even, boring? But Perturabo (while he has a fucking terrible name) also hates Horus so +15

I still know nothing about them, but I think they are buttholes because of the whole Isstvan V thing. Dick move guys, dick move.

I literally can’t. Like, their entire shtick is besieging and being besieged, and then being pissy bc it is what they are good at???? Like, they are literally traitoring bc their dad got a hair up his ass bc he wasn’t a good independent thinker and didn’t think he was allowed to build castles or whatever? Idk they are exhausting except for the ones that aren’t

I still don’t really get them at all except like 99% of them who aren’t named Barabas Dantioch are asshats and are not independent thinkers who are literally still traitoring for reasons unknown except to stick it to the emperor like?? Get an actual culture??? Just literally stop???

White Scars

I dunno, haven’t met them, but since no one else talks about them, I’m gonna guess, boring?

I dunno but they are worried about them hooking up with the Rout so I guess they are cool?

Oh bless your tiny little souls. They are so sweet, and so, so dumb. But sweet.

They are very, very good boys. They don’t have a ton of range per say but their simplicity is sort of the point I think. They are what space marines are supposed to be, and I love them for that

Space Wolves

ehm, oh, I’m sorry, The Rout. Whateverthefuck, they’re boring, over-the-top fuckheads who are giant fucking hypocrites who suck and probably don’t ever shower. Honestly, they rival the Emperor’s Children in extraness, and not in the loveable way. Fucking awful, 0/10.

Okay, honestly, not as awful as some. I mean, hella extra and I hate what they did at Prospero, but in a world full of awful things, we gotta pick and choose.

They are just so, so...Space Wolfy. Bless them they try, and some of them legit crack me up. I’m just not about their aesthetic, you know?

Much like the other fuckups amongst the Loyalists, they are a blunt instrument used for a specific purpose and do better with like...direct instruction. I’m saying they are not the kind to do well with metaphor and also a lack of like, a dad. They need TE:BBA is what I’m saying.

Imperial Fists

Literally only met them briefly, but they seem a good sort. I like their Primarch? -3 tho cause damn that color scheme.

Still good boys.

Omg I love you all, you precious little bbs. They are just so calm and stoic and honestly even though yellow is a hideous color they are literally like Templars and that is fantastic?????

Listen, the amount of love that I have in my heart for these precious, perfect boys is rivaled only by my love for Rogal Dorn, who might possibly be, and I don’t wanna sound dramatic here, be the love of my life but anyway.

Night Lords

idk but their name sounds sick.

Right, these guys are also dicks. I hate them on principle.

Every time I think of them all I can think of is that one video of the goths dancing under the bridge. They are so. Fucking. Extra. Christ alive, get a hobby that isn’t fucking skinning people.

Yeah idk they still mostly suck and to be perfectly honest I’m still not entirely sure what their point was, even pre-heresy? Like what role did psychopaths play in TE:BBA’s plan for a glorious human empire, someone explain

Blood Angels

I dunno cause I’ve only ever met their First Captain (who was consorting with fuckheads) but Sanguinius is literally Top Tier Fabulous, like Prince Extra, so I hope they don’t let me down

I’m still holding out hope. Don’t let me down boys.

OH. MY. GOD. Honestly, kill me, I love them so, so, so, so, so much, it’s a lot. And I suspect something terrible will happen with them but I don’t care because they are perfect. All of them. Wonderful, perfect, lovely, caring boys who love their dad and I love them. Sweet, loving, precious little bbs who occasionally suffer from tragic vampiric tendencies but I don’t love them any less. They better stay perfect forever. If I could, I would be like Sangy and just take them all everywhere with me so that they could always be safe <3 On a less gushy note, I think one of the most important aspects of the Blood Angels (and of their primarch) is that while they acknowledge their differences from unmodified humans, they also love humanity, deeply. They see them as worth fighting for and protecting, and acknowledge that their abilities allow them to create a universe that is safe for the common man to live in. There is a sort of profound love and tenderness that they have for humanity, and I think it really does make a difference in their legion. (That scene is Master of Mankind with the Blood Angel and the Custodian really highlights what I’m saying here.)

Listen, this may sound dramatic, and I don’t wanna like, go over the top, but I would literally die for them, which would seem counterproductive since that is what they do for humanity but the amount of love of I have for this entire legion and one Angel is too big to contain in my heart okay

Iron Hands

I don’t know them well yet, but they seem like good boys overall. I’m sure one of them is bound to be a crazy fucker tho.

They are good boys. I don’t know them very well, but my favorite moment is when Ferrus had to thank Lorgar for his help so he made him a crozius and then threw it at him because he didn’t want to have to talk awkwardly.

Poor sad bbs

No, but really, poor sad bbs

World Eaters

literally terrible people, but I guess when your Dad is bugnuts….

Definitely should have been put down. As in to death. They should have been killed. Probably.

Still fucking crazy. But I love Kharn, and honestly Lotara (who I know isn’t technically a World Eater but close enough.)

No but they probably should have all been just euthanized? I mean not Kharn bc I love him but also like--they are not viable. Long term? Tbh still not entirely sure what TE:BBA’s plan was here with them and Angron (I’m gonna assume something along the lines of ignore it and hope it goes away, since that is mostly his plan for everything)

Ultramarines

probably enormous squares, but tbh in a galaxy with World Eaters and the Rout, we could do with some squares.

Honestly, I have no issues with them. They do their duty, they are loyal. I hope to love them though. They actually believe in colors.

HOLY FUCK DO I LOVE THEM. ALL 200,000 OF THEM. (Which is probably what Roboute thinks tbh.) Like, I literally haven’t met a single one that I don’t adore and love with my whole soul and entire being. They are precious, soft, beautiful bbs who I adore with my whole heart. And who will make great leaders of the world someday I’m so proud. On a less gushy note, much like the Blood Angels, the Ultramarines really have a sort of profound feeling of protection and duty towards humans. They may not always like dealing with them, but Roboute is of the firm belief that they must understand what they are truly fighting for. Saving humanity is not enough, you have to fight for the humans who live there. (See, the one short story where they find a baby and I died.)

No but what you don’t quite get is that I literally love them. Every single individual solitary one of them, and while some may say “But Djem such a thing is impossible you haven’t met every Ultramarine” I need you to understand that the depth of my love for them and their Primarch is such that I know, in my bones, that I don’t need to meet them all to love them okay bc I already do.

Death Guard

Okay, so honestly I wanted to hate them (because BETRAYAL) but tbh its only the First and Second Captains who suck a lot and idk really the rest are sort of tragically precious??

Seriously, what is Mortarion’s issue?

No, seriously, what the fuck is their problem? Get the fuck over it.

Okay, I do feel bad. For Mortarian. Of all the traitors, him I understand the most. However, that being said, while I can understand his issues, I feel like giving yourself over to demons, turning into actual demons, and also turning on and killing your brothers who refused to become said demons makes you terrible awful people who really need to like, die.

Thousand Sons

okay, I fucking love these lame Warrior Monk Priest Wizards who live in a literal glass city with restaurants and teach random people Tai Chi in the park or whatever. Overall 10/10

I am v. worried that they are going to do something dumb like join the rebellion in order to affect change from the inside and then like, adopt demons or something. Pls don’t be dumb boys.

I don’t even fucking--look, I’m just tired okay?

What the fuck Azhek. No seriously, ⅞ is good enough? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Sons of Horus? Luna Wolves? who the fuck knows

my precious sons. You did not deserve what was done to you. This is why we don’t do frats. I believed in you and you failed me. D:

I love my precious sons. The Sons of Horus however, can go die.

I just--why are you the way you are?

I think the best thing about these absolute morons is that half the legion isn’t even demon fuckers, they just woke up one day and Horus told them to kill their brothers and they went “sure okay” and then just did. They are so fucking pretentious and stupid, fucking speartip, honestly die. I take it back. You all deserved exactly what you got, you dumb fucks.

Word Bearers

look, I haven’t met the rest of these dudes yet, but Erebus is a terrible fucking ambassador. -60/10 for not controlling their boy

HOLY LORD. I cannot--there are not actually words to describe how much I loathe these ignorant dumbasses. Like, seriously. Honestly, the ones who were purged were probably lucky, because the rest of them fucking suck.

God, eat a fucking landmine. Except, that would probably turn them on or something. Fucking assholes.

Just--imagine being such a fuckup that even when you were the first to the “become a demon, save the world” thing you still somehow ended up last. I hope the Ultramarines put down every. Single. One.

Salamanders

idk but this name is dumb. Salamanders are cute and slimy, and while Astartes are fucking adorable, they are not slimy. -1 for the dumb name

They are loyal, which is cool, and they seem like chill bros.

I just, like, they are sweet, but good lord are they simple.

I’m not sure? What they are doing? With their lives? Guys, idk if anyone told you but like, um. There is a war. And I get they’ve had it rough but also the loyalists could use their hope so maybe, idk. Do something? I mean I know there are like, 50 of you left and also you think your dad is dad and I feel you but like-

Raven Guard

idk but I like Ravens and Black, plus their Primarch’s name is Corvus? 11/10 they better not suck.

OMG I love Corvus?? Flies with a giant jetpack and tried to gut Lorgar? Yeah, he’s wonderful. Plus, their Captain seemed cool before he was fucking murdered.

I love them all, bless. They are sweet and simple and kind of stupid, but they make me feel things in my heart, so like, idk, stay precious.

Look, I cried over Branne fucking Nev, I don’t wanna talk about it rn

Alpha Legion

seriously? Lame.

Fuck these guys. What is their deal?

I can’t even really. I really, truly can’t. Nothing has ever satisfied me the way I was satisfied when Alpharius literally lost his head. God, that was beautiful.

Or Omegon? It was actually Omegon? I don’t even know anymore man

[motheatenscarf]

Wanted to take a couple days to parse my thoughts, but I am now ready to give my Opinions on DOS2.

The long and short of it is, I do recommend it! 

The combat was FUN, the story was engaging and compelling, the side-quests were all either heart wrenching or hilarious, and the music was beautiful and so were all of the locations and the music always SUITED the location which isn’t always easy to achieve. And the characters were all interesting, too, by which I mostly mean NPCs, and I only got to run around thoroughly with 3 companions but some of them were genuinely amazing for their development and growth. I got way more attached than I was expecting to for some of these characters.

If you’re familiar with turn-based RPGs, it’s one of the best ones I’ve ever played! If you’re not, it should be okay, but I’d recommend watching a couple tutorials or reading some tips/and tricks before going in because this game is DENSE.

I do have a few minor complaints, and if you’ve been following me shrieking about this game for the last month, none of this is new, but I will put it under a read more;

The second act all along the Reaper’s Coast really dragged imo, and that’s for two reasons; one, the rate of acquisition of new quests vs. the rate of completion on old quests is like 5 to 1 and it quickly gets overwhelming and things quickly start to blur together, and two, companions are too quiet during Act 2 and need to be chattier to break up the monotony. 

I will grant you having too many things to do in an RPG is never a problem, and it’s nice to have a lot of different quests lead to the same location, especially if that’s an important area that has a lot of Plot Shit in it, that’s just called good level design. But I always like hearing companions comment on things not only because it makes them feel more developed and the experience more immersive and impactful, but also because, fuck dude, their comments help me keep track of why we’re even here in the first place. Was this for a main quest or a side quest? I don’t fucking remember! I have The Dumb! Your fleshed out, well developed questgivers who are important stand out, or sufficiently tragic shit like “Look, the Magisters are burning down this village!” stand out, but Dwarf #12 with Dwarf Problems asking me to look into his Missing Dwarf while Magister #4 also asks me to look for Dwarf but I’ve already decided to declare open season on Magisters and now there’s no one interesting left to remind me about what I’m supposed to be doing without checking my journal is just... woof, bro, I am NOT gonna remember this shit. 

At the very least, this slog could stop blending together so much if the flag markers that automatically pop up for quests were fucking LABELED. Yeah, there are like 6 flags in this place, but what quests are they for? Fuck if I know, and there are like 40 in my journal and I don’t have time to read through them all, I guess we’ll find out when we get there.

And again, companions should just talk more in general. Not just at the end of quests, but during them. I grant you they won’t have an opinion on EVERY little thing, but given that they supposedly have special character flag dialogue for when I tell them to go talk to Magister #8 on patrol so they’re distracted and I can sneak this guy past their patrol, they clearly have unique responses to things! Let’s see that! And they should have banter and talk to each other! They can’t all just be attached to me! It’s about the FOUND FAMILY! That means they have to form bonds amongst each other! That’s why DA2 will always be the best Dragon Age game!

Anyway, other than the Act 2 slog, my biggest complaint is with the abruptness of the ending. I know the point of the game is to get TO where the Source is being kept, but the whole “And then the war with the Godking happened off-screen,” thing felt kinda... underwhelming. It’s important to stick the landing, and it wasn’t a BAD ending, but it was a little disappointing. I mean, we already killed the other gods, would it really have been such a big step to have, at the end, the Godking push through and nearly win, and THEN we got to choose what to do with the Source?

Like, if you want to be evil and side with the Godking or that demon doctor guy, you can beat him in combat first and then say “Now that you’re beaten, I’m calling the shots!” and enter into a tenuous partnership with them were betrayal is imminent. And if you want to release the Source or seal it all away by repairing the veil, maybe have us not kill the Godking outright but just defeat him so that he retreats. Then it can be to either seal him away while he’s weak, because it’s a one time opportunity even if it will mean turning into a silent monk, or to take the chance and release Source to the world and let people choose from there to fight what remains of the Voidwoken. 

Idk, maybe they’ve got more they want to do with the Godking in later games or something, but for fuck’s sake, if you’re gonna kill all the gods by the end of like, fucking Act 1, you’ve got to let me at least take my shot at the fucker who calls himself the Godking. I am a scrappy little chihuahua with a scythe, high on rage, and I’ve already killed at minimum 4 gods, just lemme aim for this fucker too.

Still a good game, and a decent enough ending, I TECHNICALLY got to do what I wanted with releasing Source to the world. I’ve said before that there are exactly two things I want to do in any RPG and that is make friends and kill god, in that order. And I got to make friends. And I technically got to kill the sickly leftovers of what was left of the gods after the Godking got to ‘em. But I really. REALLY wish I’d gotten to at least fuck up the Godking a little bit if not outright kill him. 

But I did get to make friends with my companions who survived Act 1 and shut specifically Rhalic up forever, so I guess that’s enough.

Oh, also, literally all of the armor is ugly except for late late LATE game wizard armor which looks like something out of Vampire Hunter D., throw a scythe onto that shit and you’ve got an AESTHETIC, but short of that, it’s crap, especially if you’re playing a woman, but ESPECIALLY if you’re playing an elf. This game does elves dirty with its armor. 

But other than all that, all in all. 8/10. Recommend it.

[mc-slowwalker]

I do not have dream merch (😔😔) but if I did and was in the discord I would literally never say anything and probably not even make it in time to the vcs before they got full. lmaoo more like dream is a milf. when dilf dream or whatever got trending a while ago because of connor, I replied to multiple people with “milf*” and I think I’d be happy if I ever got cancelled for that

yeah exactly!! I don’t want it to become a chore (which watching vods can be😭😭) I was watching ranboos mcc vod and I got so many ads I was ready to scream. also is it just me or are the ads always so fucking loud like it startles me so many times. idk about the sub thing tho but I’m like pretty sure you get an ad regardless

I haven’t bought a textbook for a single one of my subjects so I hope my lectures slides are good enough. last sem the exams were open book and online so I kind of just googled my way through the bio exam😬😬 also last semester I think I watched very few of my lectures and I’m already doing better than that this sem

apologist discourse is fully the lamest. it’s so boring too. and dumb. yeah!! discourse can be fun! I like having discussions and I love seeing different points of view but Apologist discourse?!?!?!! like seriously?? it’s so dumb especially with the assumptions made. which is why I always defend c!dream apologists. god you’re so right about the “in this day and age thing” but yeah teenagers will be teenagers

right?!?!! like I was like omg dream!! playing bedwars!! and I had a fun time watching it but like right after twt was back on their bullshit. good thing about living in australia though, half the stuff mcyttwt trends, doesn’t actually trend here lol. oh yeah that’s fair. I’ve watched hannah occasionally and she’s cool. absolutely cracked at bedwars. it’s so blatantly sexist!! and they’ll bend over backwards to justify how it isn’t it’s awful. lmao I felt the same when I left hannah’s stream once dream was gone😭😭 it sucks too cause they’ll whine about not getting dream content but the moment he goes and interacts with his FRIENDS they’ll start trending /neg or shitting on them for dumb stuff. like after dream played gartic phone with the ppsat crew and people started saying shit about gumi’s voice :/// plus another thing, kind of off topic but I was reminded, I see so many dream stans on twitter who hate techno so much (I don’t even know why and at this point I’m too afraid to ask like I know what he did but they’re so forceful in their hate) and just like??? dream is literally the biggest techno stan out there like how are you gonna have techno stans dni in your bio but still interact with dream🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

lolll. yeah my subjects really go from physics‼️bio🧫 chem🧪 to 😌being online: internet meets society😌

ranbob🥲🥲 I miss them dearly. the best dream apologist. YES DREAM WHERE IS THE LORE. it’s been MONTHS since the sneak peak. MONTHS. and sam slightly showing the courtyard in one of his streams and hinting at it’s importance??? like please give us the lore

but also!! new dream vid today :DDD

I’ve heard shipping rates to counties that aren’t american are killer and yeah I wouldn’t ever be awake enough to get into vcs….. here’s the thing though I’m not afraid to call dream a milf to his face but calling his mom a milf is a terrible first and only impression you know? My dumbass would walk in, reference the tapeworm post accidentally and be banned on site

They are loud but I’ve also found at that our favorite streamers are super quiet?? Like I was on dream’s stream for mcc and when I switch to quackity’s I got jump scared because he was so loud in comparison. Also if subs still get ads on vods I’ll fucking riot I’m jot subbed to anyone but no ads means no ads mother fuckers

From one college person to another :

Also all my classes were live so I wasn’t able to go back and rewatch them…. But honestly good on you googling your way through test I was too anxious to do that but I was also too anxious to do well on any of the exams so lose lose for me.

As someone who whines about no dream content I personally love seeing him on his friends stream! It seems like he’s on his bedwars arc rn so I’m really happy he has a bunch of friends willing to play with him! AYO IF ANYONE SAYS SHIT ABOUT ANY OF THE PPSAT CREW ITS ON SITE. How dare they what gumi is someone bothering you I’ll take care of it what the fuck!!! The hannah stuff bothered me but the gumi stuff is pissing me off!!! I like gumi’s voice she’s baller!!! I’m about to start gatekeeping (/j) the dream stan community are you even a dream stan if you’re not also a rivals duo enjoyer???? Shameful. I’ve had the same sub title/heading thing for my tumblr page forever and it just gets truer every day. Also extremely curious to see how many people clicked the links in it. If you haven’t you should, the first one is a joke but the second one isn’t

Actually I can’t call you a nerd I’m put here taking math, spanish, chem, and bio of my own free volition. Actually if you have any group discussions promise me you’ll tell people to touch grass yeah? I just think it would be funny

Ranbob my favorite he/they when will they return from the war…. Or arrive to the war actually. Better yet when will tales from the smp return as a whole karl I know you’re busy but please spare some serotonin please! I didn’t actually read the inbetween lore ever but I liked the idea of it!! I also miss all the banger characters that came from it,,, crops, ranbob, the twins, Cornelius, robin, unnamed cattboy,,,, all of the other characters that I got attached to right away,,,, I miss them always. I was watching tubbo’s stream today and he was talking about how he’s getting bored on the dream smp and oh boy did that hurt. Logically tubbo isn’t actively trying to do any lore and several dream smp members still log in everyday and do something, but it was for sure a kick to the gut. About the courtyard stuff, I wonder what they’re waiting for? Is there something in it that hasn’t happened yet or is there a different reason we haven’t gotten to see it yet? Guess we’ll have to wait

I accidentally watched the wrong dream video so I spoiled the whole thing for myself akhdkfjd funfact the video and the extra scenes look very similar

[heyhowyadoingpally]

gummy’s spooky halloween review of literally every ghost in luigi’s mansion that’s not all 50 boos i promise

because i need to do something for halloween and this last-minute things is better than me not doing remotely anything.

i’m not gonna put in a fancy graphic or anything. not gonna be too in-depth, either. just gonna be the ghosts, maybe a dumb joke, and a rating out of 10. so grab that candy corn and black licorice, sit down on your cobweb-riddled leather chair by the gothic fireplace, and pray to god that this whole thing gets done and over with.

the ghosts that aren’t trapped in painting purgatory (like the normal enemies and shit)

bats

fuck these assholes. these fucking cunts flap around the mansion and get in your way and the only way to get past them is fuckin sucking them up with the vacuum and they don’t even give you anything if you catch them. that’s how dumb they are.

rating: 3/10. i hope they choke. i mean, i hope their ghosts choke.

gold bats

are you shitting me.

are you actually shitting me.

like. the other gold ghosts in this game give you money, but these fuckers??? all they do is wait for you to attack first. fuckin great.

rating: 4/10. at least they’re nice enough to let you attack first.

blue twirler

check out this blue bastard. see that grin? see that fucking goofy-ass grin? you know that he’s dead and loving it. i can’t believe i made that joke.

rating: 7/10. a good ghost, but he’s not the best.

blue blaze

it’s a blue twirler but he’s all moist. you gotta frost him with ice.

oh yeah, if you’ve never played the game, you can unlock abilities like shooting fucking flames out of your vacuum. and ice. and water.

but that other garbage isn’t as important as luigi with a fuckin flamethrower

rating: 7/10. i’m not gonna fault him for being a reskinned enemy. i mean, if your gonna add elemental shit in your game it’s without a doubt that you’ll get shit like this.

boo

look, i’m not gonna do all 50 of them, as much as i’d like to sit here and do that.

since we all know that boos rank 500/10 on the ghostometer that i just made up right now, i’m going to go through the names of each boo and share my favorites as compensation:

GameBoo Advance

TurBoo

Boo La La

Kung Boo

Boodacious

Mr. Boojangles

Booscaster

Boolderdash

Bootique

bowling ghost

he’s literally a ghost that rolls bowling balls at you.

this whole ghost’s afterlife is spent rolling a bowling ball at people to be an inconvenience. that’s like. the best thing ever.

rating: 10/10. this fucker’s living the dream.

ceiling surprise

one time i creamed so hard that it made a ceiling surprise and i had to get a stepladder to clean it off

rating: 8/10.

falling star

that’s kinda odd if you think about it. i mean, falling stars are really just space rocks burning up in the atmosphere. does that mean this is the ghost of a space rock? fuck man, that’s metal as all shit.

rating: 10/10. god damn. i’m pissed that i didn’t think of this one.

flying fish

these are fish???

those are way too cute. holy shit. wow. fuck man. i want to hug them and love them and support them. holy shit. goddamn.

rating: a bazillion/10. holy mother of fuck.

garbage can ghost

OH NOW I GET IT. IT LOOKS LIKE A GARBAGE BAG.

fuck. i always thought it was supposed to be like. a monkey ghost or smth. damn.

well now i adore him even more. in case you can’t tell, i have a large soft spot in my heart for a certain garbage creature, so this is obviously a winner to me.

oh yeah. he eats ghost bananas and then throws the peels on the floor so that you can slip on them. what a goofball.

rating: two bazillions/10. need i say anything else

grabbing ghost

these motherfuckers just latch onto you and you have to waggle the joystick around to shake them off. and they also sound kinda like hillbillies.

idk why, but i always think of them as something else. the shape of their body reminds me of something i can’t think of...it’s....it’s on the tip of my tongue...

oh, i know!

a jalapeno pepper.

rating: 4206969/10. they just wanna hug.

gold ghost

this is probably the only other ghost with the word “gold” in its name that doesn’t reward you with money after you catch him. oh well.

i mean, they probably earned that name because there’s so many of them. and they all look the same....

huh.

so either so many people died and came back in this form, or ghosts are capable of reproducing with each other.

i’m just gonna let that mental image soak into your brain for a bit.

...

all set? no? oh, well. moving on.

rating: 8/10. a good bean.

temper terror

speedy spirit

like the other common ghosts, goldie here has an elemental counterpart of his own. i don’t have much to say, really.

rating: 5/10. not great, not terrible.

another reskin? alright, let’s see....

[✓]  he’s blue

[✓]  he’s fast

[✓]  he’s not a hedgehog

rating: too fast for me to handle

mice

they’re kinda like the bats in that they are ghosts of small animals and they’re everywhere. they’re like one of the only ghosts in the game that actively try to avoid you, tho, so that’s a neat opposition from the bats.

rating: 7/10. not the greatest things ever, but still cute.

gold mouse

like their flying counterparts. there are gold mice that can be found in some places. unlike their flying counterparts, these fuckers actually give you a shitton of money if you manage to catch one.

checkmate, batfucks.

rating: 10/10. i’m giving it such a high rating just so that bats can feel ashamed.

mr. bones

yes. there is actually an enemy in this game named mr. bones. this was before skeletons became a meme, mind you.

does that mean that nintendo is behind the skeletons? is nintendo run by skeletons?????? bones??????? jingle jangle xylophone bone marrow skeleton mandible clavicle tibia phalanges bones bones skeleton marrow bones calcium bones bon

jokes aside, the idea of a ghost skeleton is fucking awesome.

rating: 💀/10.

purple bomber

it’s literally a purple ceiling surprise, but instead of just giving you a simple spook, they straight-up throw a lit cartoon ghost bomb at you. like, the other ghosts don’t really want to kill you, but this brutal motherfucker produces a lethal weapon to lob at you. like, dude. you do realize that throwing bombs around like that could cause damage to your home, right?

or maybe he doesn’t care. i mean, fuck, look at that maniacal face. he’s a ghost. he doesn’t care about the safety of others. i wish i could be that careless.

rating: 10/10. he’s purple. he’s a ghost. and he’s a goofball. those are 3 of my favorite things.

purple puncher

these guys were always my favorite. idk why. they’re one of the more common ghosts, like the gold ghost. i wish i could pinpoint the exact reason why i was always drawn to this pink fuck (yeah, you’re not fooling anyone, buddy), but then again, if i had an exact reason i probably wouldn’t love him as much.

rating: 10/10. what a guy.

flash

aren’t all these ghosts flashers? i mean, they’re all naked.

this is another one of those “elemental ghosts”. this is where that fuckin flamethrower comes in handy. you literally burn this icy fucker alive.

rating: 9/10. look, he’s still a purple puncher. i’m always gonna love him, reskinned or not.

shy guy

the only other common enemy that’s an existing mario minion. sorta.

they’re dead shy guys.

the only way you can get them is by taking their masks off and then sucking them up with the vacuum while they’re caught off-guard. no, you don’t get to see their faces. 

rating: 11/10. cuties.

spark

they’re ghostly tonsil stones.

that’s-

that’s the only thing i can think of when i see them.

rating: 90/10. they’re too cute to be 10/10, but not medically-accurate enough to be 100/10.

finally, we’re done...

...with the common ghosts. meaning that there’s the bosses and their minions to cover.

oh fuck.

the ghosts that were living their normal lives until luigi decided to place into inescapable voids where they can never pass on into the afterlife, and the subordinates that work for them

neville

see this guy? all neville wanted to do is read his damn book. and then luigi comes along with his discriminatory mindset and ruined neville’s fuckin afterlife.

the dude was just reading a fuckin book. is that a crime?

rating: 10/10. he’s innocent, i swear.

lydia

neville’s missus. she looks kinda young. maybe after her husband died she committed suicide? that’s pretty fuckin grim to think about.

and yet luigi still barges into her room and takes her away from doing her makeup - the one thing that keeps her mind off the tragedies that happened so long ago.

rating: 10/10. she might be dead but she knows how to dress.

chauncey

i-...

how is anyone gonna talk about this.

he’s the ghost of a baby. there’s no other way of looking at it.

you could say that neville and lydia had sweet sweet ghost sex, but then you would have to be reminded that literally every ghost (aside from mr. bones) in this game lacks legs.

chauncey was an infant when he died. holy fuck.

and theN LUIGI HAS TO COME IN AND FUCK UP THIS BABY’S DAY. ALL CHAUNCEY WANTED TO DO IS PLAY WITH SOMEONE AND LUIGI STRAIGHT-UP ABUSED HIM. WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

rating: 10/10. i’m shocked i didn’t make any dead baby jokes.

the floating whirlindas

the spirits of a couple that loved each other so much that they couldn’t even be separated after death, forever dancing together in the mansion’s ballroom.

AND GUESS WHO FUCKING COMES IN AND DECIMATES WHAT LITTLE SANCTUM THEY HAD? THAT MOTHERFUCKING FARTGARGLER LUIGI.

rating: 10/10.

shivers

one of the mansion’s oldest inhabitants (he died in his 70s), shivers is a timid butler who roams the decrepit hallways, carrying an unlit candle in one hand, in search of the will his master left for him decades upon decades ago.

he has a strong fear of fire, which is why his candle is always unlit.

and so what does that cum-munching gargoyle luigi do? he uses his fucking flamethrower on the candle and makes shivers shit himself. and to add insult to injury the poor butler gets captured. christ, luigi. you’re even worse then fucking bowser.

rating: 11/10. he gets one extra point point because he’s had it rough. that, and he was never able to confess his feelings for his longtime crush,

melody pianissima.

yeah. shivers had a thing for this dead pianist.

i really don’t know what to say about her other than that she’s a total hottie

rating: 10/10

mr. luggs

FUCK what a large fella. he’s so humongous. and he gets to eat food forever??? fuck i want that kinda life.

rating: 10/10. tubby ha ha

waiter

AND mr. luggs has cute little ghost servants that bring him food????

he’s living the life. goddamn.

rating: 100/10. they’re just. really cute.

spooky

a literal ghost dog. named spooky. holy shit.

but if that doesn’t get your attention, you’ll be happy to know that the way luigi catches this cutie is by waking up a mr. bones ghost. because the dog really loves bones.

get it?

dogs? bones? skeletons?

whatever. i wish i was funny.

rating: 10/10.

BOGMIRE

BOGMIRE  BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BOGMIRE BO

rating: BOGMIRE/10.

black bogmire

as if The Best Ghost in The Entire Game Hands Down You Can’t Tell Me Otherwise wasn’t amazing enough, he spawns these translucent shadowy versions of himself during his boss fight, with sizes ranging from smol beans to big fellas.

basically, a big goopy friend has more goopy friends.

rating: BOGMIRE/10.

biff atlas

the resident buffguy in the mansion. did he die from roid rage? idk.

i don’t know enough about being healthy to make any jokes.

rating: 8/10. somebody’s probably jerked off to this guy.

miss petunia

all i’m gonna say about her is that luigi literally kidnaps her while she’s taking a shower.

this fucking green-capped madman must be stopped.

rating: 10/10.  she’s trying her best.

nana

i’m surprised it took this long to get an elderly ghost. like, a hella old ghost. older than 70 or 80 years old.

all she does is knit, but even little old ladies aren’t safe from that cold-blooded italian psychopath.

rating: 1776/10. get it? i’m saying she’s as old as the usa??? aren’t i funny??? ha ha ha????

slim bankshot

he’s a poolshark. that’s his gimmick.

rating: 6/20. the pool balls aren’t actually eyeballs or have teeth or anything cool like that.

henry and orville

the only other kid ghosts in this game. i mean, they’re not as young as chauncey, but the idea that both of these twins died at the same time is pretty fuckin terrifying.

naturally, they also wanted to play with luigi, guess where that got them.

rating: 9/10. naming them after the wright brothers gives me some mental images i’m not going to share.

madame clairvoya

the only ghost in the game that helps luigi find his missing brother. and since she knows that luigi is a merciless monster she lets him capture her without a fight.

rating: 40/10. she’s kinda hot, okay?

boolossus

literally a giant boo made up of smaller boos.

if you haven’t played the game, basically luigi frees a shitton of boos along with their king. no, boolossus is not the king. you dunce.

rating: 10000/10. i love boos

uncle grimmly

according to his official description, uncle grimmly apparently tends to keep to himself. everything about this guy reeks of malice. i mean, sure, some of the other spirits had spooky-sounding names, but if your actual last name is “grimmly” you’re probably a mortician who steals bodies from the morgue for your bizarre science experiments and sexual acts.

alright. i’m gonna say it right here and now:

i think grimmly killed his family and also caused the deaths of people who moved into the mansion afterwards.

or maybe i’m reading too hard into a video game for children.

rating: 100000000/10. pure evil.

clockwork soldiers

yeah, i know. i’m also surprised that it took this long for bosses based on toys.

although i don’t know how these toys became ghosts. the game doesn’t have anything to say about it, either, so...

then, again, this is the same game where a skeleton can become a ghost. i guess anything goes in the underworld.

rating: 10/10. at least they didn’t go for the “haunted doll” cliche.

sue pea

this is.

well.

i’m gonna let the official description speak for this one:

“What was meant to be a short nap seems to have turned into eternal rest for sweet Sue Pea.”

this seven-year-old lil bitch died in her sleep.

the fact that we’re not given any more information makes it even more unsettling to think about. did she have an illness? did someone make her huff poisonous gas?

like. shit dude. god DAMN.

rating: hardcore/10. nintendo seemed to have something against children back in 2001.

jarvis

ha ha. get it? JARvis?

he’s a ghost that has an antique jar fetish and he likes to hide inside his antique jars.

jarvis is not even an important ghost. he’s literally optional. the only reason luigi can go after him is because he gets rewarded with diamonds and cash when the ghost is captured.

luigi is a greedy cunt.

rating: 10/10. bad jokes aside, i think jarvis’s design is cute.

sir weston

he likes to haunt the cold storage room. i don’t know if that implies he died in there or what.

i mean, he’s clearly dressed for the cold, so i don’t think that’s what killed him. maybe he lived in the mansion and died during a mountain expedition? maybe his ghost found its way back home? fuck idk.

maybe uncle grimmly pushed him into the freezer and threw warm clothes in there to let him live a bit longer as well as throw the police off when they find the body.

rating: 10/10. the fact that he’s sir weston implies there’s more to this guy than we should really know.

vincent van gore

alright. that’s just as horrifying of a name as uncle grimmly.

his boss fight is actually kinda neat because he paints ghosts on his canvases and the ghosts come to life through supernatural means. maybe he’s opening portals to the ghost world to let the lesser spirits like the gold and purple fuckers out?

according to his official description, van gore could never sell a painting during his lifetime and the only reason he’s a ghost is because he’s persistent on not letting his art die along with him. talk about determination.

rating: 10/10. i feel like he’s in cahoots with grimmly. somehow.

king boo and “””bowser”””

the final boss of the game is literally king boo in a bowser costume. or maybe it’s a robotic bowser suit? idk.

the fight is a pain in the ass if you don’t know what you’re doing.

rating: 10000/10. look, it probably takes a LOT of work to make that fake bowser move so realistically. cut the ghoul some slack.

conclusion - what we learned:

luigi is an insane individual whose discriminatory beliefs caused him to take away the freedom that these spirits finally got after years of being confined in paintings.

uncle grimmly is the mastermind behind a cult operation of mass-killing anyone who steps foot in his mansion, even after his own passing.

the ghost bats are pieces of shit.

after about 4 hours of writing, this whole mess is done. you just wasted a few minutes of your life reading something trivial and irrelevant to anything else in your life.

be sure to come back in the next few days because i’m going to do the exact same thing with the second game.