internuut

[childofeberron]

a family has asked me to babysit for a couple hours after my work day on tuesday and on one hand, i need the money and i know the family it'll be fine. they promised me the codes to the ipads just in case i need a mental break. but on the other hand hhhughghuhghh working from 9am to 730-8pm and then having to work the next morning too and these kids are a set of preschool and toddler siblings. the perfect age to start fighting each other

[nerves-nebula]

was wonderinv who to ask then saw ur poston art school and went . yo!

anyway can i ask hows art school? like . is it worth it?? whats the experience and everything like + do u regret ur decision to go there? (dont feel forced to answer any of these) (for context + incase it wasn’t obvious ive been wanting and thinking of going to one if ever given the chance)

Oh man, where to start. Well first of all some of the main reasons to go to art school are the resources and the connections.

If you wanna get into furniture for example, that’s a lot easier if you have access to a whole workshop with tons of different saws. I’ve learned to use three different book binders as well as done hand binding myself, which is great fun for me but idk how I’ll make money out of that.

The thing is that depending on your major/department, a lot of the stuff you do in art school you could theoretically do on your own as well. So if you think you have enough willpower to make your own schedule and find your own resources then I’d say do that, and work on building your portfolio so you can show it off if you ever get the chance. especially if you don’t really have the money for college (I’m incredibly lucky to have someone help me cuz otherwise I’d be screwed)

If I’m honest, I didn’t really want to go to college at the time of me applying. I was kind of interested in learning how to wrap cars, and I wanted to take a course in that, if you can believe it. but all of my parents kids have to go to college no matter what (as in my mom forced me to apply to college and then sent me off like “I can’t help you pay for college btw good luck!”) so it was inevitable that I was going to go to an art school. which is fine because i've also always kind of wanted to go to a school, i was just stressed about not being able to afford it haha.

THEN there's what kind of art school you're going to. I'm at one of the most prestigious fine arts schools in the USA, because though I got admitted to others, I couldn't afford to go to others. the one I'm at offered the most money, because they could afford to. Idk what I'm gonna do with this degree but im in graphic design rn so I'll probably do something in that field. and it helps that the name of my school is renowned.

but if you, say, want to get into animation you're probably going to NEED to go to an art school. even if you cant get into an animation school specifically, any art school at all is better than none when it comes to animation (I think, idk for sure i'm not interested in animation as a job. my friend is tho so maybe I'll ask him)

now, HOW is art school? WELL. I've heard this isn't uncommon, but the first year was literally actual torture. it was really really bad. it made me more suicidal than I'd been since I was 12 and it ALSO made me start cutting for the first time ever. but I survived it, and the second year was way better! (if still stressful) the first year is for where they try to kill you, and the second year is where they go "haha just kidding ok lets get into what you want to know" at least that's how it is at where I am.

DESPITE the pain, and despite how even now I'm anxious about going back, I don't regret it at all. I really like my classmates and I love my professors. I love a lot of the work I've done and the skills I've learned. I liked living on campus and being so close to all that Art Stuff, even if i was too tired all the time to ever go out to any of the events.

plus on a more personal level, anywhere is better than living with my parents. so even if it was hellish the first year, i'm at least happy that i got things done and i wasn't wasting away at home with my mom.

hope that answers all your questions :)

[yourwolfmuzzle]

So. Its still better that “im my mom now” or “im now have a cool gun and new talent” but...we just reset Ruby. We just reset her. She now again Ruby Rose who just herself with a little bit Summer stuff. This is not a “i get it i need to work thought my mistakes” or or something like this. It just “what if im just going to choose me?” and “i like to think we did at least a little good...right?”. I not sure if we going to get vol10 Ruby will talk to the Yang that “hey...i saw our mother and she just...run away with Raven on the mission”. Ruby got depress because she tired of doing “not enough” and people not seeing that she in “not good shape”, run away, got torture, drink a tea because she was thinking she will stop exist, WE FIND OUT THAT SUDDENLY she was obsessed about her to be just like her mom, finding out that her mother lied (kinda info that we already knew kinda, outside of the fact that she run away WIHT Raven \me trying to do poly jokes\) but remember that Summer told her and Yang that “i love you just the way you are” and now she Ruby again. The same Ruby from...idk volume 5-6.

Jaune is still alive and get back his younger body with just a bit white hair lines. He remember probably everything, but im not sure if we going to get vol10 SOMEHOW we will see some side effects from all this. COWARDS, HONESTLY. I have a hard opinion about this guy, but they really coward with not keeping his Ever After Timeskip look.

Neo is commit “going into a tree” because “she need to find herself”. Cool. She need just “fix herself” with “the tree”. Nice. Love in it. (no)

AND WE JUST GOT A HALF EPISODE WITH LORE ABOUT BROTHERS. IN THE FINAL EPISODE. LISTEN. I MAYBE dont talk about Summer too much but you know what? I want to take more flashbacks about her and Raven that about all this lore thing. Literally final episode. I was SCREAMING because WHY. WHY THIS. I FINE with another scene with Blacksmith and talking about how good Little is and how baaaad Cat is and all that jazz, but...when you have possibility that you will not be able to continue your story...this is not the time for LORE HOMEWORK. YOU LITERALLY HAVE A CHANCE TO NOT BE ABLE TO END YOUR STORY. RWBY CAN BE ANOTHER SHOW WITH NO PROPER ENDING. NO “we want 20 volumes” NOT EVEN ONE MORE SEASON, THIS CAN BE YOUR ONLY SEASON. THIS IS NO THE TIME FOR LORE ABOUT THE GODS. “KILL YOUR DARLING” IN WRITING WHEN YOU HAVE A HARDCORE SITUATIONS LIKE THIS.

Also from what i can tell...did we skip this whole sityation, that we had in ending at the volume 8? Or there was a timeskip and people are already safe (WOW) or people still in the desert and they just...in Vacuo now?

Conclusion for rn, because i kinda not in the mood and i dont want to just scream and be angry at every parts - Love this flashback with Summer and Raven (with a little bit Taiyang, miss this man.). Love Curious Cat full form, looks really cool and wish we see more this form (ALSO A WHOLE NEW MODEL FOR A ONE EPISODE FOR A COUPLE MINUTE-). Hate...what ever going on with the tree, i do not like this whole “suicide is a progress and a good thing” (this whole decision to make suicide metaphor was a mistake in ALL levels), like new Ruby song. Fight was...nice i guess? Sad for Neo because no matter what i think about her as a character and about her story, she do not deserve ending like this with this whole “she will find her way”. Sound like “suicide will fix her mistakes”. Little also have a new model for a one episode. HATE LOREDUMPING AT THE FUCKING FINAL EPISODE THAT CAN BE A FINAL EPISODE FOR A WHOLE SHOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING TEAM.The only thing that was important for progress in this volume - was Yang-Blake getting together finally, getting a little bit Summer story and Jaune experience in Ever After, even if he still have his vol7-8 look. And also get rid of Neo?

Do what ever with this information. I just going finish my work and going to sleep. Maybe will write something more about this episode after i will rewatch 20 times again as always, but not today.

[compulsiveobsessing]

i feel so directionless rn

i dont know what i want to do career-wise or if i really want to go back to school for a master's degree

there's too many decisions to make and it overwhelms me so much. sometimes i get excited about a potential career path, but then i think about how my previous jobs in similar fields have been dissatisfying at points and i just....i dont know. i dont think i can pick something and be happy with it. won't i just get tired of or frustrated with it?

idk i feel disillusioned but also really guilty and lazy for not doing more?? like im supposed to be super motivated and working toward a goal but i dont really have one. im not satisfied with my current job and it actually makes me incredibly stressed at times but thinking about taking a risk on another degree or looking and applying for more jobs is exhausting to think about

i also cant bring myself to read or go on walks or cook more and i love to do all these things and i feel guilty for not doing them when i know they'd boost my mood

[expensive-rainbows]

im so tired. i got up at 830 which you would think would be fine but it felt like i was getting hit by a truck. then i had bootcamp which is js a rlly hard workout for three hrs at my tkd place. i was home for like an hour and then i had to go to work and im so tired i almost fell asleep on the way home. it also took me way too long to figure out that im hungry and i had to go through everything ive eaten today ((in order btw) energy drink, mac and cheese, three fries, and a shake (im steaming some green bean rn dw))

at work i (i work at an ice cream place) i covered the register for most of the shift, and people would just hand me their card and expect me to do everything for them. including enter the tip and their code if they needed to. idk how i was sposed to know that stuff but i was. id say, itll ask you abt the tip, and theyd look so annoyed, and then if it didnt go through right away, id check and itd be asking for the code, and id tell them and theyd be annoyed. usually they were pretty good abt taking their card back, but one guy js stood there and stared at me and asked if i was gonna give him his card.

also i had fries for my break food, and i didnt know they were ready right away, so by the time i got them they were hard and burnt, so i didnt rlly eat any. i was kinda disappointed since when i was getting cheese to dip them in i accidentally poured hot cheese all over my hand and had to run to the back to rinse off my hand (the front sink only has hot water and thatd probably be worse). later i was talking to one of my coworkers and i realized that i probably swore in front of a bunch of customers (i definitely swore i js wasnt sure if it was in front of customers or not)

two of my coworkers have the most vacant stare ever. im sure they arent as stupid as they look but they look like theyre rlly stupid. but they do whatever i tell them to so if theres something i dont want to do i can be like hey can you go make *thing i dont want to make* and theyll just do it. i told my mom about it and she said that even though im probably younger than both of them im making myself in charge by being more confident and that is the first time ive been described that way lmao.

cw: rape mentions, sh, trauma, etc

ok so this probably doesnt seem on topic but i promise it is. (no i was not raped at work or anything)

anyways today my shift lead was jeff (not his name) who is probably 6 ft, white, blonde eyes, and wears his hat backwards (its hats or hairnets we all choose hats). for some unknown reason jeff scares me. like i cant look him in the eye kinda scared. it took me half an hour to go tell him the register was out of pennies. he bumped my elbow when he was replacing the napkins and i wanted to rip my arm off. i kept thinking he was gonna corner me and rape me. he has shown no indication of doing anything to hurt me in any way, and the only time weve ever touched has been when he bumped my elbow. he is a nice guy and i always feel guilty for having a part of my brain convinced that hes gonna rape me. its the same thing with my drivers ed teacher. he was saying something the other day while i was driving and jokingly hit my arm and i wanted to puke. he is also a nice guy but i can see him keeping me after class one of these days and raping me. just like i can see jeff following me into the bathroom, or up into the loft and raping me. i wasnt raped (unless i blocked it out i would probably remember) but i can feel it. i can feel myself being raped, being held down, i can see myself making the decision not to yell for help because something worse might happen. i can see myself not fighting because he could kill me if i fight back. i can see myself making the decision not to tell anyone, since its not rlly their business, and i wouldnt want to report it so why tell anyone anyways. if i wasnt raped why do i know what it feels like, why do i know what would happen, why can i play it in my head over and over again.

ok i got a little off track but point is im annoyed, i am fine most of the time, but theres some guys that i just cant be around.

sorry, that was a lot of words, im probably fine dw

[momiamtired]

chapter 2 so they think im cringe. i will never be able to see my friends bc i will be able to leve canada onlt after 4 years bc of this stupid and random biometrics shit and i had only chance of meeting them this summer but now its all pointless bc of a random canada government decision. i want to pee so bad and this stupid american bitch is washing her ass for 2348493 hours with stupid pop childish music in the background gosh. i lost 700 dollars recently idk where or how i genuanly dont know its prob my roommate but im not sure so basically yeah and im reallt sensitive about losing money so yesterday was a fun day to me. my stupid mind is doing some crazy shit and tries to convince me to believe in karma or god idk basically its if i will think that everything will be bad then everything will be good but i should genuanly believe it all will be bad and i just go back n forth with this idea always going on on my minds. i have a couple of different templates of how this world from my mind' perspective works but im too tired to think ab it. ig every time i think that its just what it is its just how wolrd is and nobody is giving me a happy time after all of this is over as my mind always tries to constantly tell me i guess its just too painful for me. i want to believe that i will be happy in a short time. i want too. but every day i wake up and some awful shit happens to me. its awful to be extraverted and i dont have friends here. i hate this fucking bitch PLEASE leve i want to use toilet wtf is wrong with u. pleeeeaseee im all sweaty npw bc of how i want to pee. i noticed that they wash themselves so rarely here. idk why my roommate smells just awful and she is 22 and she never washes herself so at night when i have troubles sleeping i also need to smell her beatiful aromas and im gonna be silent ab her mouth like she never washes her teeth how can u have so many man and smell so awful and be so nasty. anyways i dont reallt know what to do? i lost my motivation to even live( but not to eatt i will never lose it i have ed) i just dont want to do anything to see anything to feel anything i just want to die and be reborn. i dont believe in reincarnation but being able to not feel anything is better than living how i live now. i never cry but i cry here really often. like a couple of times per weak? i never cry literally never. that bc my coping mechanism is trying to find a decision and i will fucking find this decision even if im gonna die but rn there is no decision there is nothing there is just finnish studying than good luck to being lucky for finding a place to live and a job and if u wont find a placce to stay u will have to sleep on a bed with a roommate who washes herself once per weak and stole ur only money. and even now my mind is trying to say to me that i will be fine and the situation will be better! but fuck u it wont be better and i know it because there is no fucking hope left here there is literallt nothing left no fucking move will make it better NOTHING will make it better. im a fucking psychology major wtf is wrong with me. i just cant believe how cruel the life is and how awful it is and how i just couldnt ever think it could get that bad. its just all of my failures they are so random and its not even my fault in any of those! and as i told u my mind again tries justify everything that is happening to me like no just think ab it!! no way it can be this awful right? no way this all could happen to u just like this and without a happy ending! yes it can and yes it happened and im tired of expecting something good to happen to me i just want to die pls why do i have parennts it would be so much easier. i would love to leave this hell and so study to europe but we already spent SO much money on only this first semester so i cant even imagine how can i justify going back home in my head, in front of my relatives. i hate myself

[chirpsloth]

its been like 17 minutes since i told myself id do homework i need to do it but i just spent all that time reading through all my tumblr post...

god i hate myself

not bc of the homework thing ill get it done but because of just reading the posts

not really i dont think

i just hate myself

but not actually

just a little

maybe i feel bad for myself...

no self pity is lame

god do i hate myself?

when i read the posts i know edxactly what ii was refering to at the time... but i dont think i make my psots easy to decipher all the time

like when i saw the posts that said "im so nervous" and "nervous nancy" followed by the psot a few hours later saying wtf why do i actully have rizz" and then "wtf is wrong with me" im like: oh my god!! i know why i was posting that at the time!! like wowowowow thats how i was feeling thats wild!

i really do feel for myself.. why am i this way???? everyone probably pities themself sometimes.

idk i didnt deserve that... and i shouldnt do that.. wouldnt trade it for anything though. i wont stop though

im not evil im just human

im just learning

im scared for when i reach the age where i cant say that anymore...

is everything gonna be okay?

everything IS okay. i get GREAT grades, i have a good home life, i have 2 close friends, i get to walk and listen to music all the time...

i think that part of it is jealousy but theres always a wishing to get worse you know?

i don't think i'll ever be fejwlfjew but i think thats okay... im happy. i think. edcept for when i think about things too much

i pity myself

i guess i pray to the future me. you know? i wonder if i typed all my old posts knowing that the future me would read them and be like a therapist from another time...telling msyelf not to worry. i think i just did it because i need to say things and i dont have anyone that i call spew all my dumb stuff to without annoying them or making them think im mentally ill which i am not.

plus i need a place to be self centered. i guess this is that... some place hwere i only talk about me. im okay with no one listening irl because i dont want to portray myself as insane. there are some things that can only be written too. i wouldnt want to talk to my therapist about a lot of things because i dont want him thinking im insane. i know thats a therapists job but im saying like theres stuff that i really shouldnt say.. scared maybe. i wanna educate myself on law or soemhitng so i know what my therapist can tell my mother or can get me admitted for.

do i even want help? i seriously dont think so. the better i get the worse i want to get. right now im in a good middle ground. im happy, i dont cause conflict in the house too much, im not exhausting myself, i get things done, life is pretty okay. sometimes i will participate in some efwljfkwel activities though. maybe thats just my way to cope. its not harming anyone,, and i really dont believe its harming the present me too much.

maybe itll harm the future me like how my past decisions currently hurt me. not out of regret but out of pity. it just hurts that i did that... you know?

i really should do my homework but i have time (Not really)

im thinking of doing the bare minimum rn and waking up extra early to finish everytihng up. probably what i wanna do.

i know its only been a week of school since the weekend (weird way to phrase it??) but i need a break. im fine with school its not tiring or anything but god i need a break from life. not like life life but i mean hanging out with people, having things i need to do, etc. i need a week where im all alone. i love my friends but god i need alone time. i always feel so guilty when i dont hang out with them though because i dont wanna be lonely or lose friendships so i find myself hanging out with my friends mainly to "maintain friendships". i love them so much but please i need time.

this post is making me sound so mentally unwell but im doing so fine i promise (who am i promising?)

god

why is my heart rate so fast

lemme count it rq

okay its actually pretty normal its 80-ish bpm but it feels fast

i feel so shaky

i wonder if its the sugar i had earlier... i know some foods or larger amounts of fodos always make my heart feel fast and make me shaky but i havent really discovered what foods those are.

im always so nervous posting on here because what if i say something that makes this all tracable to me. i dont wanna lose opportunities beause of some dumb tumblr posts.

i know i should use like my journal or something but its comforting knowing that this can be viewed by someone for some reason. i mean id be mortified if someone told me they read all my posts but idk. maybe also its nice because i can always lose a physical notebook or lose the passord to my google docs but tumblr is public and i can always look at this tomfoolery from another account. plus this feels less formal. in my actual physical journal im very messy and i get sucked in when i write but its so messy its unreadable, it cramps my hand, and sometimes feels inconvenient. on my actual online journal i established it as something more formal... for life and mental updates for myself. im scared

i dont know why but im so scared

im so so so scared

god why did i just feel like i was about to cry

i want to curl up and cry so loudly in my moms lap while she tells me its okay but i cant i cant i cant. if i did she would think im mentally unwell which im not and id be such an inconvience to her.

last time i cried in her arms she told me that i gotta "say everything" to my therapist and that he can help me. help me with what?? she said that i deserve someone good that can help me? i told her that im normal.. she told me that she didnt want a normal daughter she wanted a happy daughter. i am happy. i just repeated that im normal because i know she sees me as different in some way. i see her as different in soem way too. i think i'd see my sister different than everyone else if i didn't judge her so much. i feel so insensitive but i always invalidate my sisters issues/struggles because i feel like i had it worse and that she has it so well. i konw its so bad and i need to remind myself that... she is a human being, she will struggle, and i should be happy that what i was so used to makes her suffer... im glad she's not used to badness like i was. that makes me sound so emo but you know. i just invalidate her so much.

anways. i think that seeing someone so closely..knowing them almost better than you know yourself will make you see them as less normal. or something. i dont know. i know my mom sees me as different. i doubt she sees my sister as so different than society. maybe its because im socially a little odd. she thinks i try to push people away/unsettle them. i dont. im just awkward around a lot of people. i like telling myself that im not everyones cup of tea. maybe thats just a way to excuse my social stupidity. my best freind always asks me how can i find myself socially stupid if im friends with like everyone. maybe shes right, but i dont think os. im not friends with anyone. weve just been conditioned to be nice to everyone and people are nice to me. yes people trust me, yes i have inside jokes/ get alogn with a lot of people... but do you seriously think i hang out with them outside of school? we use the word freind too loosely. if i never text someone, we only talk in school, and never hang out outside of school... no matter how much we know about each other, no matter if we've seen each other cry, no matter how long we've been "friends," we are NOT friends and thats okay. i try to be agreeable. people think im funny at least.

i need my mom to hug me and let me cry into her arms but i dont want her judging me or worrying about me i just need my mom. god im about to cry. why do i make myself feel this way? this was just supposed to be a post about not doing my homework.. now im writing like a multiparagraph essay. i need to say things. i guess i need to organize my thoughts. speak to the void.

you know i think i write in this because i know that future me will read it... emaning that future me will be alive. meanign that i'll be alive in the future. meaning that everything will be okay. if future me is alive, it means she overcame things, and shes now smarter, and as she's reading these paragraphs, she remembers how she used to feel, and pities her old self once again. and then maybe writes more to the future future me. and the cycle continues. until im dead i guess. maybe someone else.. a child? will work as a future future future x1000 me.. i doubt it. i dont think someone will ever care about me as a person so much as to read everyting ive thought. im currently pretty much just writing my thougts. nothing is organized. im just rambling. i would film a video but i dont have space in my camera roll, and even if i did, i would never want a video of myself saying stuff. some things are better kept written. anwyays. hello future me. and the future me after that. etc. i wonder if im laughing at this in the future. probably... in some time in the future. i bet ill laugh while also pitying my current self. self pity is so lame.

speaking of children. honestly.

door is opening. my moms home. ive been writing for like an hour. homework for tomorrow i guess. ill maintain a convorsation with her while i write. actually maybe ill close my laptop and return to this later. i mean i could use the excuse that this is homework...

[aibloomie]

BAHAHAHAH

i had lighter hair when i was younger but it slowly darkened now its practically black 💀💀

i genuinely dont know how it stayed so long

I LOOKED LIKE I HAS BEEN DIPPED IN KETCHUP LMAOOOO

hm,,, i’ve considered it before

but idk cus my hair is so dark 😭😭

having like pure white hair would look rlly cool

and i was thinking like a pink streak through the white hair would be really fun

but i dont rlly wanna bleach my hair and im way too scared to make a decision so drastic💔

would you ever dye your hair?

WHAT IN THE GENETICS 😭 genuinely how does that happen like hair transitioning from a light tone to a dark tone?? THAT'S SO COOL your hair is like a lizard or something

IN KETCHUP PLEASE 😰 DID ANYONE QUESTION IT HELP

I have never seen that kind of dyed hair like white with a pink streak but it sounds so cool looking <3 it would definitely get a lot of compliments from people for sure !!

you could always just do a really small section, but dealing with bleached and dye hair is so tiring PLEASE and yeah making decisions that really change your appearance is so scary 😭

yes !! I bleached then dyed my curtain bangs blue during quarantine <33 then red, and rn they're like a light pink color? so basically my bangs are FRIED I'd never do my whole hair just because I know I'm too lazy to keep it healthy 💔

[goodomens-goodomenseverywhere]

Loki ep 6 thoughts

-FEAR

-recap reminds me I hate ravonna

-I want more mobius/sylvie

-THE SONG WAHHH

-The QUOTES IN THE INTRO?? WAHHH?,

-OH,?? REAL PEOPLE VOICES??

-Greta thin burg I love u

-upside down heart in rock

-THE SUSOICIOUS LACK OF THEME MUSIC WITH THE LOKI LOGO

-this music slaps everyone say thank u Natalie holt

-they look so good….ugh

-sylvies hair…wah

-THE LITTLE CALLBACK TO LAMENTIS

-she’s asking him to tell her to stop :’)

-best buds I love dem

-she’s pulling the ‘I’m 8 minutes older than u!!’ Argument that every twin pulls

-she needs a moment now but she didn’t hesitate back in ep 4. Hmm

-Tom looks fuckin great here let’s not lie

-statues?? Omg who

-ominous door slam

-I FUCKING JUMPED

-OMINOUS ‘HEY YALL???’

-THAT WAS HORRIFYING

-what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

-I need a second

-I’m so sorry that gives me the ‘HEY SISTERS’ jumpscare energy I’m laughing but terrified

-kang

-it’s fuckin kang aint it

-oh he scared

-he’s scared

-of the lokis

-wants to bargain with them hmm

-bitchboy

-this never ends well

-BRO HES PAST THIS STUPID FUCKIN BATTLE

-this is a trick loki PLS DONT FALL FOR IT

-full offense but ‘we can reinsert you so you won’t disrupt the timeline’ and ‘you can kill thanos and have the infinity gauntlet’ cannot POSSIBLY coincide

-her eyes are creepy

-don’t let this overrule your GOAL SYLVIE

-god one of you have braincells pls

-oh she thinks they’re a thing too huh

-Disney don’t do it I stg

-THANK u

-sylvie looks so annoyed girl me too

-even my cat’s confused

-I don’t wanna have any sympathy for ravonna don’t show me those stupid fuckin rings

-LMAO THE CLOCK IS PLAYING RAVONNA TOO

-why is this so funny

-knife buds

-I shouldn’t love him but I kinda do

-okay but they’re so funny just holding their knives to him

-I’m so sorry sylvie is so cute

-her little hair flips

-it’s a Loki thing

-he’s funny but I’m fairly certain I’m gonna hate him

-at least call her by her preferred name bitch

-MOBIUS MY KINGGGGG

-WHAT A BAD BITCH I FUCKIN LOVE YOU

-“one mans void is another man’s….piece of cake”

-SHES SO ANNOYEDFKSIFKS

-youre not sorry bitch

-LMAO B-15 YOU BAD FUCKING BITCH

-OMG OMG OMG PRINCIPAL NOT-RAVONNA IS SO HOT

-B-15 like I’ll expose the fuck outta your ass

-Loki I love you but this is obviously bigger than you think

-man’s a script writer omg

-ugh not him being a sylkie shipper

-man I hate u

-NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN IM TIRED

-right when they thought they could start doing their own thing and making their own decisions he’s like SIKE!!!

-I sad

-this bitch is exactly why I’m like meh on Christian god

-must be boring

-man I don’t want him to turn them against each other

-IS THIS A RELIGIOUS ALLEGORY

-ravonna is. A little unhinged

-‘an illusion conjured by the the weak to inspire fear. A desperate bid from control’

-I’m sorry but she sounds like cliche christians

-this is coming from a cradle Catholic

-why is this the mokius/Loki fight from ep 4 all over again

-she literally says crisis of faith

-mobius: hey I think this entire institution has manipulated us and I'm gonna try and figure out what's at the bottom of it

ravonna: lies to him, has him killed

ravonna: wow i cant believe he would betray me like that

-no bc its giving Aaron burr 'now I'm the villain in your history'

-its giving catra and adora in s1 when adora's like 'they're awful' and catras like 'yeah we been knew. How dare u not condone that'

-except I don't ship Mobius and ravonna

-I had to pause to write this rant

-she threatens to prune him again as if he wouldn't just go back to the void

-mobius: we can't take away ppl's free will

Ravonna: i disagree

mobius: where are u going

ravonna: in search of free will

-PICK A SIDE

-IM TIRED

-mobius being left ONCE AGAIN

-poor bitch

-everyone has evil clones just let shit happen

-why is it literally an entire religious allegory

-HW FOUND BABY ALIOTH

-im so confused

-what does the illusion of the time keepers do at all

-he fills the same spot as them either way

-is it anonymity?

-why doesn't he just kill all the bad variants of himself

-he sounds like a liar I don't trust him

-hes just an asshole

-why doesn't he offer ppl the option to work for the tva

-if he thinks they'll still work under Sylvie and Loki then he must think they'd help

-why does he look scared

-idk why but I'm real tired of all this

-time shit's confusing

-dude i just want lokius interaction

-NOOO NOT A SYLKIE FIGHT

-no I’m so ficking emo

-I want them to be besties

-“because you can’t trust. And I can’t be trusted”

-bro I’m sad

-I’m so sad ab Loki

-he’s trying so hard not to hurt her pls

-WAHHHHH

-I am going to SOB

-HE THREW HIS SWORD DOWN IM GOING TO CRY

-he’s GROWN SO MUCH

-LOUD CRYING

-that’s it I’m fucking logging out

-Disney I hate you

-I’m so fucking pissed

-I’m so tempted not to finish this episode I’m mad

-anger fills me from top to bottom

-NOT THIS AGAIN

-I am taking a moment

-are you SERIOUS

-man

-my exact words when she says ‘I’m not you’ were “AH fuck. GODdammit” but I need you to take the liberty of imagining the exhaustion in my voice

-bro I’m just so mad

-I’m like apathetic to the rest of the plot rn sorry

-I couldn’t care less ab this

-man I am so disappointed

-I’m sorry I just am

-does it really fuckin have to go like that

-god at least let me have one last Lokius moment

-Tom Hiddleston’s deliverance of that rant was so fucking good

-like. You can hear how truly fucked up he is about all this. We’ve never seen Loki like this

-I’m rly emo about it

-I’m actually going to kill marvel

-I am. Divorcing this show

-are you fucking kidding me

-no because fuck you

-FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

-I am SO ANGRY

-I am going to be pissed forever

-you fucking make MOBIUS FORGET HIM?? JUST LIKE THAT???

-GODDAMIR

-SO IS THIS MOTHERFUCKER KANG THE CONQUERER??

-I’m so tired

-I just want to take a long fucking nap

-I’m gonna spend the next few years pretending this episode doesn’t exist

-fuck everything man. I’m fucking mad I haven’t been this mad since I watched infinity war in theaters.

-with that I will be. Dying somewhere

[hopelesshawks]

im actually crying rn. idk if you know me but ive literally been such a die-hard fan of your History Of Us series, and when it ended, i swear im dying inside-- its such a good story! keep it up teehee! also if your dont mind i want to request a History of Us request of Todoroki being jealous of Y/N and shinso's friendship since its been hinted in the series?? thats all lol xx love ur writing! remember to stay safe and take breaks <3

Ahhh I’m so glad you enjoyed it! That makes me super happy to hear 🥰

Your wish is my command: one jealous Shoto coming right up. Takes place after the events of History of Us (but could be read as a stand alone)

Look Shoto is very secure in you two’s relationship. He knows you’d never do anything to hurt him and he trusts you with heart and his life.

But he also probably, maybe is just a tad bit possessive. After all, your love story was over a decade in the making and much of that time was spent ripped apart so excuse him if he gets a little defensive at the idea of you two being pulled asunder again.

He hears you laughing in the lounge almost as soon as he enters the common area. You’re talking animatedly to Shinso about something, your beautiful smile on full display as the other man leans nonchalantly against the back of the couch behind him. Shoto feels something small and ugly rear up in his chest at the sight. He logically knows that the two of you are just talking but the small, ugly thing making itself at home whispers “does she laugh like that with you?” Shoto finds his legs carrying him towards you before he’s even made the conscious decision to, and next thing he knows he’s standing behind you and carefully slipping his arms around your torso. It soothes the monster wreaking havoc in him somewhat that you immediately lean into his touch but you’re also continuing the conversation with Shinso, your only greeting being a quick squeeze of Shoto’s arms. You’re talking about some movie Shoto doesn’t recognize and the amused smirks Shinso keeps shooting his way definitely aren’t helping things.

Shoto’s about to get genuinely irritated and say something when suddenly Denki comes running into the lounge. “Sorry I’m late!” he tells Shinso with a sheepish grin before turning to you and saying “Thanks for keeping my boyfriend occupied while I finished getting ready.”

Ohhhhh.

Right....

“It’s no problem! You two crazy kids have fun,” you laugh as the other two wave and make their way out. Once they’ve gone you spin around in Shoto’s arms so you can look him in the eye. “You forgot Shinso is dating Denki,” you say. It’s not a question but Shoto replies anyway. “I forgot Shinso is dating Denki,” he confirms with a sigh causing you to snicker. “You’re lucky you’re cute when you’re jealous,” you tell him. “Am I?” Shoto asks, genuinely curious. “You are, but maybe don’t make a habit of it,” you confirm with a soft smile. “Fair enough,” he agrees. “That movie Shinso and I were talking about, it’s called ‘What We Do in the Shadows’ and it’s by Taika Waititi, I think you’d like it. Watch it with me tonight?” you ask. “I’d love nothing more,” Shoto replies easily. “Good,” you grin before leaning in to press a quick kiss to Shoto’s lips. “I love you,” you tell him brightly, and he’ll never get tired of hearing the words. “I love you too (y/n).”

[smalltragedy]

* justice smith, demi man + he/they | you know gabriel de leon, right? they’re twenty three, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, six years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 1984 (infinite jest) by the used like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole waking up in a body as heavy as the dead, emotions always on the verge of spilling over - you laugh before the punch lands, the belief that every encounter you have will be the last thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 31st, so they’re a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them )

hi im just reposting gabe’s intro bc its been a very long time n im starting a little fresh hehe. yes i do regret the text color bt im not going back.

VIOLENCE TW

mini playlist.

ghosting ;; mother mother / roam the room ;; citizen / art of doubt ;; metric / thnks fr th mmrs ;; fall out boy / heart in a cage ;; the strokes / where is my mind? ;; the pixies / flowers grow out of my grave ;; dead man’s bones / 1984 (infinite jest) ;; the used / blister in the sun ;; the violent femmes.

statistics.

full name: gabriel de leon.

nickname(s): gabe.

birthday: october 31st, 1997.

zodiac: scorpio sun, scorpio moon, gemini ascending.

label: the icarian.

hometown: belleville, new jersey.

sexuality: bisexual (masc-leaning).

pinterest.

biography.

it’s only rly ever been gabe n his mom n the little new jersey suburbs that r always the same no matter where they go. they dn’t speak abt fathers or brothers or spain or anywhere other than the now, and how its constantly changing bt oddly the same.

his mom’s name is sonia n we love her. she worked a lot as a single mom n p much hs done everything on her own ever since leaving spain.

they dn’t talk abt spain bt we cn talk abt spain n hw sonia hd grown up partially there n partially in the states n hw she’d originally planned to live there forever bt the man she’d fallen in love with ws involved in some. high class dangerous shit n it ws safer fr them to part even if tht involved leaving everything she knew n loved <3

bt its like. ok. bc she hd gabe <3 n they dnt talk abt it so it practically nvr happened. n she tries her best as a mom n usually tht is enough.

they moved around a lot just bc sonia is a very. flighty person. anxious bt nvr seems tht way is just always. tense. gabe didnt think she ws capable of relaxing fr. a rly long time.

she wld commute 2 nyc every morning n after school gabe wld climb onto the train n by the time he got 2 her place of work she’d be just getting off n they’d get a slice of pizza n sometimes they’d go somewhere like central park or coney island (just fr the novelty) bt most of the time they just got back on the train home w/ gabe either doing homework or napping on her shoulder.

when gabe got a little older he’d sometimes skip school n take the train after sonia had already gone so he cld spend the day in nyc. he liked learning bt didnt rly like school. he nvr properly fit in bc of the amt of times they’d move so it felt like nowhere ws. right fr him.

got rly involved in. the punk scene as a young unsupervised teenager n tht led 2 a lot of like. shitty stick n pokes bt also a love of. very loud angry music n a sense of justice tht he held tightly in his fists. got mouthy towards bullies whether at school or in the scenes he involved himself in n started getting into a lot of fights bc of it.

during this, sonia ended up dating n marrying gabe’s stepdad who he calls craig sometimes bt i dnt think thats his name i wont lie to u guys. its partially a joke n partially purposeful disrespect bc gabriel does not trust a single man bt like. man. ‘craig’ is just an accountant. he’s fine he’s a good dude. they once bonded over like. the mets.

violence tw // anyways. when gabriel ws 16 he got into a super super bad fight tht ended rly. terribly n like listen. nobody died bt it ws just. it got blown up very out of proportion n gabe might’ve gotten expelled even tho he wsnt even the one who started it bt thts okay. ‘craig’, or paul, suggested tht maybe. a change of scenery wld b good fr gabe n b4 they knew it they were. moving to paul-robert’s hometown of irving, north carolina. violence end of tw //

he wld’ve complained more bt. fr sonia’s sake gabe kept it 2 himself. it made her happy 2 see them all get along anyways n like. idk he cld put forth tht little effort <3

bt honestly like. he didnt rly get into too many fights once they moved down here n even tho sometimes he ws like. ommgg. i hate this town .. its so washed up .. he still made friends n like. the only thing tht changed ws tht it ws a lil harder fr him 2 acquire illegal substances.

anyways. currently he hs a tattoo apprenticeship n is a professional piercer n like. he plays guitar n writes songs bt thts more of a hobby rn than anything else. mostly focused on paying his rent at port apartments bc as much as he. loves his mom he does not want 2 live with her forever <3 n thts okay!

personality & facts.

overall xtremely passionate person like god. feels emotions so intensely. every time he opens his mouth n talks abt an interest of theirs its just very like. u listen n ur like oh. gained 2 inspiration. thanks.

clings onto his friends p tightly bc he like. nvr rly stayed in one place fr super super long in new jersey so he nvr made very long term friends n now hes like. very clingy HLKDSHLKFSHLKDG also hates to b alone. subtle desperation behind interactions with ppl he rly wld like to be friends with.

like dnt get me wrong hes gotten into. sm fights bt thts mostly bc he cannot keep his mouth shut n he also cnt stand douchebags he like. always wants to tear them down prob bc he ws a victim of bullying. n u know what. we support him. otherwise he loves ppl bt esp if they hv similar interests 2 him.

like golden retriever who bites kind of. intensely loyal but at the same time is very skeptical. things tht good things do not last very long even though they’ve been doing already fr the last few years.

also bit of a nerd. they were nvr rly a big fan of school bt theres smth abt a good superhero comic tht draws their attention more than like. any english class evr. bt seven soldiers of victory? classic. big dc fan.

uh. very into like. hardcore music. hardcore rock. punk. if its loud n angry they r into it like so so much. hs sm tattoos is like. super covered in them its partially bc they work at a tattoo shop n partially bc they do not know hw to manage their money well.

ooohh u know what theyre. kinda moody i wont lie to u. very defensive like they dnt evr wna talk abt their past. has experienced Things n they do not wish to discuss them. will usually like. deflect frm conversations he doesnt wna hv.

in tune with nature. loves fkn taking walks. hangs out in the woods by abernathy creek n lilac ridge bc nobody rly goes there n its just. nice

tries not 2 take anything super seriously 2 the point where when he does take smth seriously its a little scary bc theyre super intense abt it. forcibly optimistic even tho on the inside he feels like a total pessimist. lots of. deep down insecurities tht he projects by attaching himself p firmly onto others. >.>

so so so energetic. can never stay still. always hs to be moving around. restless like tht. probably got it frm his mom. overly protective over the ppl he loves. probably got it frm his mom as well.

goes onto Tangents bt also divert frm those tangents n is generally all over the place.

always cold n always looks tired n like he hsnt slept in a thousand years n u know what. sometimes he just does not sleep.

oooohh theyre a vegan. totally into animal rights. devious little demi man beyond that .. loves horror n the paranormal n believes in like. every cryptic. will debate u on it.

erm not. the kindest 2 themself theyre a bit self destructive. impulsive. drives very fast n parties super hard. said i will hv my effy stonem moment. u dont hv to gabe.

bt ya! luvs oranges n reds n is maybe a short king. hs an eyebrow piercing n like. a lip ring i wont fk around here he IS living his best emo life in 2021. a little outdated on the trends bt thats okay. probably will tell u hes frm new jersey. its a personality trait. smokes the shittiest cigarettes ever.

wanted plots.

just ghosting along ,, dnt even exist 2 me ,, ;; god. firstly just the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs like. spoken to romantically n then dropped suddenly. n then maybe like. one tht actually Hurt bt they cnt avoid each other bt theyre actively pretending each other doesnt exist n its. hurtful bc it ws like. actually smth nice bt <3 ykno FKLFSDHG

hey hey heyy c’maahn i’m just a little guy ;; n this is the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs probably. pissed off n hs either fought or been on the verge of fighting just. unable 2 resist a good bicker-turned-duel.

just blistering in the sun ;; they cld b close friends bt also they cld also not b bt just ppl who. indulge in bad impulsive decisions with gabe. general bad influences on each other’s health n just. no good! party hard bt at what cost.

n also ;; like ... rly solid good friendships ... flings n maybe an exe or two tht either ended on good terms or just. horrendous, ppl they’ve distanced frm, ppl also frm up north, piercing customers, bt not tattoo customers bc im p sure they’d get fired if they were just tattoo’ing ppl willy nilly, etc.

[themagicaltunaa]

Answer all the questions

well i have nothing to do so sure

1. What have you eaten today? 

some toast for breakfast, leftovers for lunch, and some cereal for dinner

2. Who was your last kiss with? Was it pleasant?

never kissed anyone, don't really care about that

3. What color shoes did you last wear?

light grey sneakers

4. Who has made you laugh the hardest in the last week?

Jeremy did, when I was watching his Alien Isolation stream on monday

5. What is your favorite scent?

I love the smell freshly baked goods

6. What is your favorite season? Why?

I love fall. I just love the aesthetic of the season, and my favorite holiday is during fall. I would love to experience it one day

7. Can you do a handstand or cartwheel?

lol nope. I was barely able to do it as a kid. If I tried now i’m pretty sure i’ll break something.

8. What color are your nails?

the regular pink color? I don’t paint my nails

9. If you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be?

aw geez, uhhh idk maybe like a tiny star or something

10. What is something you find romantic?

i dont know romantic things 

11. Are you happy?

eh

12. Is there anything in particular making you happy or sad?

no not really

13. Dogs or Cats?

cats. i like dogs too, but sometimes they’re too much to deal with. i’m more comfortable being with cats

15. Which do you prefer:a museum, a night club, the forest or a library?

museum

15. What is your style?

my style is “im trying”

16. If you could be doing anything you like right now, what would it be?

stay up all night to catch up on videos

17. Are you in a relationship or single?

single babeyyyy

18. What makes you attracted to the person you like right now?

nothing, because im not attracted to anyone

19. If you could replace your partner/best friend with a celebrity of your choice, would you? Who with?

i dont like celebrities

20. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of? If so then what?

i’m pretty sure i’m holding on to a lot of stuff, but I can’t seem to remember anything specific. if this question means metaphorically, the answer still works

21. How did you celebrate last Halloween?

I went to a drive thru haunted house with my 2 friends, and after we got some taco bell and went to the beach to eat our food. we sat there for like 10 minutes before it started to rain on us

22. Have you recently made any big decisions?

nope. I try not to in general , I hate having to make any sort of big decision because I starting stressing 

23. Were you ever in a school play?

I’ve always had stage fright so no

24. What movie would you use to describe your life?

uhhhh, I dont watch enough movies to pick one

25. Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? 

oh there’s plenty of things that I've dreamed of doing, but I just can’t do it because of anxiety 

26. Complete this sentence, “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

I dont like sharing

27. What are two things that irritate you about the same sex?

uhhh idk? maybe the whole makeup culture thing? but it’s not like it irritates me I just don’t get it. I can’t really think of a second thing

28. What are two things that irritate you about the opposite sex?

too much to list

29. What is the best thing that has happened to you this week?

fuck if i know

30. What is something that makes you sad when you think about it?

can’t think of anything rn

31. How long was your longest relationship?

never been in one

32. Have you ever been in love?

pretty sure I have not

33. Are you currently in love?

nope

34. Why did your last relationship end?

see question 31

35. What jewelry are you wearing right now, and where did you get it?

not wearing any atm. actually, I just don’t wear jewelry in general

36. When was the last time you cried and why?

I think it was last week? I don’t remember why, it was probably something stupid

37. Name someone pretty.

the anon that sent me this ask

38. What did you receive last Valentines Day?

oh! I got a few gifts from my bestie :)

39. Do you get jealous easily?

no

40. Have you ever been cheated on?

no

41. Do you trust your partner/best friend?

sure

42. Ever had detention?

no because I was a good bean in school

43. Would you rather live in the countryside or the city?

city. the countryside sounds nice, but just the thought of being out in the middle of nowhere especially at night makes me nervous 

44. What do people call you?

by my name

45. What was the last book you read?

I do not remember. It’s been years since I’ve read a book

46. How big of a nerd/dork are you?

uhhh idk

47. What kind of music do you listen to?

anything that catches my fancy. I don’t really stick to one kind of genre

48. How tall are you?

my doctor said I’m allowed to say i’m 5′2

49. Do you like kids?

they’re alright. I can handle be around them for a bit, but I would never want to have any 

50. Favorite fruits?

watermelon, starfruit, and tangerines

51. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

jeans

52. What’s your earliest memory?

I was like 3-4, and I was at disney world with my family. I remember seeing a stage show of Bear in the Big Blue house, and I remember walking around ToonTown when it still existed

53. Ever had a poem or song written about you or to you?

i hope not

54. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind it

55. Do you have a collection of anything?

I used to collect seashells as a kid and I still have some of the collection somewhere in my closet. I wanna start a new collection of something but idk what

56. Do you save money or spend it?

i try to save it

57. What would your dream house be like?

something cozy and not too big, with a cat or 2

58. What top 5 things make you the angriest?

its 11pm at the time of answering this, i really can’t think of anything to fill a list rn

59. What top 5 things always brings a smile to your face?

see the previous question

60. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

save the dog. i hate my job anyways so I don’t care

61. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

I would definitely tell my closest friends, and some of my family members, probably my mom’s side of the family. If I had the money to, I would like to travel to some places that i’ve always wanted to go to. I would have a month to accept that i’m gonna die so i think i would be fine. i’d rather get plenty of time to know i’m dying rather than like last minute. this has been a topic that i’ve been thinking of for a while now, not because I’m like thinking about death or anything, I just need something to kill time with at work

62. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

a heart?

63. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

aw cmon, I can’t just think of stuff like that on the spot. I don’t even know where I would want to go

64. Do you like the beach?

It’s nice, especially in the early morning when everything is still calm and the beach isn’t packed with people yet

65. Ever sleep on the couch or a bed with someone special?

no? wtf does someone special mean?

66. Do you have a middle name? If so what is it!

Doesn’t everyone have a middle name? But yeah i do and i hate it so im not saying anything

67. Do you talk to yourself?

in my head all the time

68. Describe your hair.

brown, curly, very long because I haven’t cut it in almost a year, it’s very annoying

69. What is the meaning of life.

I wish i knew

70. What is your ideal partner like?

no one

71. Do you want to get married?

no

72. Do you want to have kids?

 ew no

73. Like or dislike your family?

 they’re bearable

74. Are you Chunky or Slim?

I’m more than chunky, i’m just straight up fat

75. Would you consider yourself smart?

lol no. I’m an absolute dumbass

76. What would you change about your life?

everything if i could

77. Religious or Not?

no not really

78. You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

I don’t drink so this would never happen

79. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

it sure isnt because no one is there

80. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

uhhhh no. I don’t really care tbh

81. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

idk

82. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

i’m not opening the door because no one is there

83. Do you like when people play with your hair?

ehh not really. It’ll just make it frizzy

84. Do you like bubble baths?

no

85. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop?

I need to drive in order for that to happen

86. Have you ever danced in the rain?

no. its not fun getting soaked in the rain

87. Do you trust anyone with your life?

not really? 

88. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?

why does god allow suffering

89. If money wasn’t an issue, what top 10 places would you travel to? (You get to stay at each place for a week)

1.greece

2. peru

3.disney world only because I have not been to all the parks yet, also i can bug my brother while i’m there

theres a lot more but i’m too tired to fill out the rest of the list

90. How was your day today?

it was fine

91. Play an instrument?

used to play mellophone/french horn in band in high school. after I graduated I haven’t touched an instrument since

92. Describe the what you think of the ocean.

it’s scary

93. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

aliens as anything that counts as a living organism not of this world, not green little men from mars nonsense. the universe is too big for only life to be on earth. for ghosts, i’m still iffy about them, but that doesn’t mean i’m gonna start walking around haunted places and call the ghosts a bitch

94. Honestly, are things how you wanted them to be?

abosolutely not. every day I regret all the decisions i’ve made through my life. does that mean I’m trying to fix said mistakes or try not to do them again? lol no 

95. Do you have a mean bitchy scary side?

in my mind i do. I’m too scared of everyone to actually do it

96. When are you vulnerable?

always

97. How much free time do you have?

doesn’t feel like much. saturday and sunday go by way too fast and i feel like when i go home from work theres just not enough to relax. im tired all the time

98. Do you like to go hiking?

never been

99. Odd or Even Numbers?

even

100. Would you ever go sky diving, bungee jumping , cliff diving, wing suit gliding, parasailing, snorkeling, or other extreme activities?

no because I actually have self preservation. I am also a very big chicken

[stardreamerart]

Okay I have very like low confidence and shitty at expressing how i feel. Uh… Very awkward fuck when I feel super off. So I was wondering how many people would be interested in commissioning me or buying my art ?? I NEED TO SEE IT TO BELIEVE I COULD EVER GET ANYWHERE WITH IT.

[dogstarblues]

its just that at the end of march my birth father almost died from a knife fight and halfway through may my adoptive father was in the hospital for a week almost dying from internal bleeding -- they had to kill one of his kidneys to save him and he needed multiple surgeries -- and managed to microaggression me through his recovery. like where can i put this? what can i do with this? all my close friends rn are going through shit too or just busy and are unresponsive. like its fine ill get through it by myself, i always do. just. idk i havent had a support system since 2019 lol. i guess im too old for that? like i know people can have support systems at any age but it just doesnt feel like its in the cards for me ever again. idk my ex told me im strong when i told her abt my last relapse and that felt like a dismissal. im still angry abt it. i wasnt even trying to rely on her i just wanted to give her an update. she didnt even answer me this time. trying not to hate her but im so tired of people calling me strong. like im never able to be weak. i cant make self-destructive decisions. i have to take care of others and myself. i take care of rent, of the apartment, of my dog's vet bills, of my father, of my birth father, of my sister, of my roommate, of paperwork, of bills, of my friends. im tired. im angry. i dont want to do this anymore.

[nofoodclub]

Here's to manefesting good vibes and a future where i get to feel that level of sexual/romantic/platonic generalized bliss with J again, normally experiences like that esp first time are quite awkward at least from my perspective, but all of that felt like it happened exactly as the universe intended l. Nothing was rushed nothing was pushed it just happened. And really, the way he held me initially....i felt so safe. Everything just felt right. That moment confirmed what I had already suspected, that it was more than just sex, but i knew there wouldn't be any more confirmation than the connection i knew we both felt. Hes had his time doing risky shit and unfortunately i fit solidly into the category of extremely risky shit for him. I wish it wasnt this way, but this is the hand i was dealt and i gotta figure out how to make it work for me somehow. Massive depression most likely will ensue. Fuck its already starting. I need to stop. All i want is to sabotage. I want to text j and let myself get more into the place of wanting to destroy everything good, every chance i could possibly have at being better than this because why? Why should i have to carenso much? My life is supposed to be so great then why do i feel like the walls are caving in on me? Why do i feel like i cant or at least really dont want to exist without the external validation or people who i assign false importance to. I miss no one knowing. I miss my shit show of my own creation only catered to my own enjoyments. I miss drugs, i miss my friends, i miss stupidity, i miss near death so so so very much. I miss having the excuse of oh no no one knew shes just gone in an instant... that's all over now. Why did i ever give someone else so much power in my life? He took the first sign that i could figure out how to be ok without him and went and caved in my false sense of security. He took away a relationship that i improperly valued, but it still had a lot of significance to me and threatened his safety. I miss my friend so much. I miss the shitty parts of him, i miss his smell, his voice, the stupid way he plays with the kitties, i miss him. Relationships that evolve that quickly for me usualy come crashing down violently...i had no warning, no closure, it was just over. Done and gone like my addiction was something thats so easy to leave behind and never look back at all the the social lubrication it did, at all the times it made the loneliness not feel quite so bad, at all the times it stopped the big violent crashing wave of depression that is hitting home right about now from taking hold so many times previously. Thats all i want in life, is to get rid of this wave thats constantly over me pushing me down...or at least learn how to not care about it so much. Im already as low as can go, theres no depression limbo lower than this right here without being flat on my back, so i might as well try it right? Whats the harm in an i miss you text? Whats the worst that could happen anyways? I would get confirmation on my ground level status, or best case i would get to not be alone tonight. I am so tired of being alone. Fuck why cant i just hit send. Im already so low how much more could the sting of one tiny rejection really hurt? Probably enough to make me draw blood. Thats whats getting triggered rn. Its always just replacing one addiction with the other. These are pretty evenly matched. Scars or drugs....at least the drugs make me feel good longer. But blood is much cheaper, easier to come by, easier to conceal. Decisions, decisions....i guess that text will decide my fate....ill send it when i get home. Or maybe in the car. Or maybe never. Idk how low im feeeling yet. Its all still too numb. Dont want to feel it yet, or really ever. Itll be too much, itll consume me. Maybe thats what ive been waiting for? Still 25, still within my threshold of acceptance for the decision to end all other decisions. I want to. Im sonl tired of feeling like this all the time shit is exhausting. Thats why i miss j. He helped me see the light literally in the dark

Blood it is.

[wordsidneversaytoyou]

i just felt as if im being guilt trip to something i couldnt do. i already explained why i couldnt go and i said honestly too that i didnt wanna go but i was continuously being pushed and even if you say you didnt force me you still kept guilt tripping me i know its a joke but i also know that you meant every word you say there. i just feel as if i was very obliged to go.. when you said you just wanted to see jollens i respected that i wanted to see her too but the way you said it as if i didnt wanna make an effort to see her .. everytime we hang out even from the proposed camping that became a hanmer trip i kept messaging pauline in private updating her whether she rly couldnt make it or not since from my birthday i didnt even mind that anymore esp when donita found out apparently that pauline was already at chch that time and she couldnt even just at least tell us that she was already here in chch i honestly didnt mind that i am not saying this to show that i am pulling a card and taking revenge as a grudge because i honestly dont but now that you make it seem like i didnt wanna effort into seeing pauline i just want to show you that i really tried. i love pauline and i couldnt hate on her i understand when she chose to be with tina on the day of my birthday and i am not just saying that to make you feel guilty because i really did not mind that. tina is her best friend and if that was the only time she could visit chch and see her then i really do not mind. another thing i think i have is that i feel like we have some unsaid issues with donita idk when it started but i am not dumb when someone is trying to put some shade on me i am trying my best to ignore it but i guess ignoring a problem doesnt really help in solving it esp when no one is even trying to resolve it and i am tired if you guys are tired of me or mad at me upset at me its okay i will respect you and i hope you respect my decisions too perhaps one thing i ask is that be straight up with me and dont drop some sarcasm or shade or guilt trip me because i am really exhausted and at this point i think ive already had enough of everything. i do not even care about anything anymore. maybe its all just my emotions rn with everything thats going on with my life so i am sorry all too and thank you. sorry if i have hurt you or did/said something that has hurt you at least tell me what it is that i have done wrong so i can apologise for it thank you