#idk what this is- prayer? comfort? plea? maybe i just need to remember

[apocalypselog]

59 Deliver me from my enemies, O my God;

protect me from those who rise up against me;

2 deliver me from those who work evil,

and save me from bloodthirsty men.

3 For behold, they lie in wait for my life;

fierce men stir up strife against me.

For no transgression or sin of mine, O Lord,

4 for no fault of mine, they run and make ready.

Awake, come to meet me, and see!

5 You, Lord God of hosts, are God of Israel.

Rouse yourself to punish all the nations;

spare none of those who treacherously plot evil. Selah

6 Each evening they come back,

howling like dogs

and prowling about the city.

7 There they are, bellowing with their mouths

with swords in their lips—

for “Who,” they think,[b] “will hear us?”

8 But you, O Lord, laugh at them;

you hold all the nations in derision.

9 O my Strength, I will watch for you,

for you, O God, are my fortress.

10 My God in his steadfast love[c] will meet me;

God will let me look in triumph on my enemies.

11 Kill them not, lest my people forget;

make them totter[d] by your power and bring them down,

O Lord, our shield!

12 For the sin of their mouths, the words of their lips,

let them be trapped in their pride.

For the cursing and lies that they utter,

13 consume them in wrath;

consume them till they are no more,

that they may know that God rules over Jacob

to the ends of the earth. Selah

14 Each evening they come back,

howling like dogs

and prowling about the city.

15 They wander about for food

and growl if they do not get their fill.

16 But I will sing of your strength;

I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.

For you have been to me a fortress

and a refuge in the day of my distress.

17 O my Strength, I will sing praises to you,

for you, O God, are my fortress,

the God who shows me steadfast love.

[sunfloewer]

june 5, 2017

im trying really hard again and i know it's not good enough and i know that a rule in DBT for emotional regulation is

like making sure ur physical needs are met

like that ur not in pain that ur not too cold/warm etc

and ill never have that luxury so it's so hard like when this source material that u use for therapy is there but it's also ableist

and so idk how to help myself in that regard and so i just feel like a really toxic person like even now ( and pls dont try to comfort me ) i know i've just been pouring out to people or talking to u and just going on and on and i know it's because i can't emotionally regulate

and i know that some of it isn't my fault but it doesnt mean it's not hurting people i care about

thats still my responsibility

i’m trying to force myself to write something more, to be more honest than i thought I had been, i know i’m a harsh critic but it doesn’t mean I’m wrong and that’s especially true when it comes to myself. 

i said this to a really wonderful friend today and it’s left me feeling hopeless, i started crying because i just don’t know what to do. my pain has made things worse for me in ways i can only try to describe and talk about, and it’s to the point where it’s shaped me into a person i’ve grown to despise. i don’t like who i am, i don’t like what i see, and i feel this so acutely but it’s so hard trying to deal with it. because there is no dealing with it, because there’s never any true pain relief. trying to confront or even actually move forward because of this. but like i also said it doesn’t absolve me from any responsibility, because no matter what no matter if i was delusional, anxious, psychotic, they were still my actions. 

i want so desperately to get better, to be better, to feel better. i don’t just want to numb things, and i know that i’m doing my best, my hardest, that i’m surviving but i don’t like it. what good is surviving if you can’t even look yourself in the mirror everyday and justify the means to an end? what good is it to say you survived but hurt the people you cared about most? if you can’t justify it if you can’t even live with yourself for it?

‘i survived but i paid for it’

i can’t live with myself most of the time, i don’t want to be around people in real life because i can’t stand for them to be exposed to me, i can’t trust myself, and some times  i cant tell whats real or not what’s true and whats not and im so scared. it all sound so dramatic and irrational and just extra but i can’t stop feeling this way. 

i don’t know how to feel better when the constant pain has become even more debilitating then usual, when the pain medication stopped working, when this has become my normal now, when the treatments that could literally save me, make me better, cost more money than i’ll ever have. so much of the time i don’t see a way out of this, or i do and it’s death. 

but i tell myself over and over again, the one thing that keeps me, that stops me, is that i don’t want my little brother to have that be part of his story. i dont want to hurt him that way. i don’t want him to have to say ‘well, my sister killed herself and since then ___ ‘. i don’t want that to be part of who he is. and i keep telling myself i have to hold onto that, that this pain is worth it for him, for the people i love most, that it has to be worth it that i have to get through it because of them. that i have to live with it because of them. 

sometimes, i think it’s cruel that my mom expects me to be okay to not want to end my life in such a clinical way, but i know that it’s not, it’s just the fact that i can’t see my own value enough to know that it would hurt other people. i often think about my own hurt because i’m so much in it all the time, i can’t remember a time in the last month or so that there wasn’t some sort of pain ringing in my ear. maybe i’ve had two good days. i wonder how that is supposed to be enough. 

i know i need to go outside of myself, but i just can’t. anyone who has a debilitating chronic illness with physical pain, if you can, i’m amazed by you. i’ve understood more than ever now why they torture people, put them in pain consistently to get them to crack. because after a while it does, it does break you, it leaves you so open and vulnerable and broken. i always hated using the word broken to describe anyone, but i’ve never felt more broken in my life. 

last night, i was in my room and i laughed to a video i saw. i then proceeded to tell myself, like a mantra, like a prayer, like a desperate plea that i WILL BE OKAY. it made me feel better and more assured, it did, but now here i am exhausted from my emotions, from the pain, from not being able to go do things because i physically can’t, to feeling like a toxic cancer to everyone i love that needs to be removed, because i can’t fucking see what anyone else sees in me. not anymore. not with the pain.

everytime i tell myself, maybe you’re just hiding behind the pain, maybe you’re using it to justify your depression, to justify not living, how you are and who’ve you become. i wonder if it’s just a delusion or if it’s real. maybe it’s both but i know this, so desperately, so deeply: 

i want to live but i can’t and that’s what makes me so drawn to death as a solution. i can’t live when all i’m doing is finding a way to get the pain down, when two hours later after doing EVERYTHING in my power to do so, it comes back so i have to start the process all over again and that seems to be my life. just constantly doing something to make the pain bearable, to make it so it’s only talking in my ear and not screaming in it. that, in itself, is so tiring and it doesn’t leave room for much. it doesn’t leave room for an actual life. and i used to have an actual life, a brilliant, active, meaningful, life. i know that now, maybe, i’m a wiser person, because of all the pain. i know i can recognize what the pain has given me positively, what these illnesses have done to me to make me more educated, but it doesnt outweight the pain i feel. not anymore.