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clatoera · 9 months ago

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Picket Fence is Sharp as Knives Chapter 6: Not trying to fall in love but we did like children running

Hi my loves! So. I absolutely hate this chapter. I hate it. I think it's because I liked last chapter SO much and it was so important and this feels so...bleh. Idk. BUT I wanted to post something today for two reasons

It is exactly one year since I posted ARWBFB! Happy birthday ARWBFB, how far we have come! I wanted to go back to the OG roots with this chapter in honor of that, and do something that is just so quintessential Cato and Clove and thats what this is supposed to be!

This is the last chapter for about 2-3 weeks! I have a really stressful couple of weeks ahead where I find out if I have a job or not and will simply be too anxious to write in the mean time! So this is a little Clato-centric treat to hold us all over until I get back to writing in a couple of weeks!

Title from The Very First Night (taylor swift of course)

AO3

Masterpost

As always thank you to the besties who get me through. I quite literally hate this chapter and i'm not happy with it but I put it into the world anyway and it's for y'all. @bodyelectric77 as always, thanks for putting up with my pouting in the DMs. @kentwells I hope this satisfies your cries for Clato content. @ohhowwehavefallen you just get tagged at this point even if you don't want to be sorry not sorry.

Okay! Here we go. Happy birthday ARWBFB you will always be famous to me.

“Why are you all excited?” Clove teases, reaching her arms above her head so she can tighten her smooth ponytail, swatting his hand away as he goes to flick the ends down into her face. “You act like we’ve never done this before.”

“Clove, it's been literal years since we’ve got to do this. We were teenagers.” Cato slides his fingers under the strap of her sports bra and snaps it against her shoulder, something that years ago he learned would make her jump and give the cutest little scowl. When they were fifteen it was accompanied by a knife whirling past his head, but today it was met with a sharp fingernail jabbing his ribs in the same place she stabbed the day they met. “Besides…don’t you remember Enobaria telling us she was never letting us step foot in this new training center? What did she say we were going to do to it? Defer it?”

“Defile it.” Clove corrects, smiling just a little to herself at his enthusiasm. Yeah, maybe it was not the kind of training they had grown up with, but Cato’s excitement was borderline contagious. And yeah…maybe she was a little excited too. She had plenty of pent up aggression with no outlet other than a steak knife and a tree in the back yard these days. “This isn’t training like we’re used to, you know. These aren’t special kids like we were.”

They clearly were not the first choice to take this class, gathered by the disgruntled and last minute request of Brutus earlier this same morning. Apparently the usual teacher canceled earlier this week, but Enobaria had been distracted by some sort of Cashmere related crisis (and if they understood from her vague but uncharacteristically flustered call, it was a Cashmere-Finnick-Glimmer kind of crisis and no one could blame her for her properly placed priorities) and she forgot to find a cover. It was a very hesitant Brutus who offered them the afternoon class followed with the promise of free reign of the athletic facilities afterward to do with as they pleased.

“I haven’t even worked out like that in forever..” Clove continues her internal thoughts out loud, speeding her steps up just a little to keep in time with Cato’s much longer strides. “I can run, yeah, but I don’t even know if I could still do like..a pull up.”

“You’re still pretty flexible, at least.” Cato easily wraps both hands around her waist, before flipping her over his shoulder and tossing her just slightly into the air before she lands back in his hands. The way she kicks at him to put her down is not foreign, and his arms are long since trained to hold her steady despite her flailing tantrums. “And lightweight.”

“Cato, put me down!” Clove demands through gritted teeth, staring indignantly at the ground behind him. She wants to beat her fists against his shoulder and his spine, but experience has taught her that is no use. She is at his will until he decides otherwise.

“Ask nicely…” He taunts her, and she feels a firm squeeze at the top of her right thigh, causing her to squirm in his arms yet again. It is after this that he sets her down, but she realizes when her feet hit pavement rather than grass that it is not because of her own indignity.

The building is not on the remains of what was once their academic and educational home, but rather a much smaller, independent center. It’s much nearer the school where Cato’s mother teaches rather than a pillar of status in the center of the district. It’s no grand home of future victors with the best weaponry district money can buy. No…it’s just a building with a couple of sports fields and some sort of indoor recreational area.

In short, it’s the kind of place Cato and Clove would have seen as the loser training center, back in their childhood.

He slips his littler hand into his, and gives her hand the littlest squeeze of confidence, before be absolutely pulls her inside, betraying even more interest than he had let on in their walk here.

Even as they enter through the double glass doors, they simultaneously notice that it’s so incredibly different than the type of athletic training they had been exposed to in their youth.

There’s about twenty four shoe cubbies on the wall underneath a coordinated number of hooks, all littered with various little child-sized rain coats and backpacks. There are windows all around the top of the room, pouring in natural light, that are open just enough to allow the air that hints of spring to filter in as a refreshing reminder of the impending warm weather and longer days.

It’s such a staunch difference from what they grew up with. Now, the only way Cato can think to describe the center of their youth is dungeon like; no windows, fluorescent lights that fucked with the circadian rhythm of their adolescent bodies. Treating time outside and fresh air as a reward was probably some psychological trick to keep them hyped and excited for the games– arenas were almost always outdoors.

On the other wall is a simple wooden desk, a stack of manilla folders, and an old pre-war desktop computer that had likely been repurposed from one of the many destroyed buildings in their district. There was a woman sitting behind the desk, with simple dark hair and matching eyes, typing absently as she inputs something into what they assume is an online system.

She looks up with disinterest, a monotonous voice welcoming them to the center. However, she must recognize them after a few moments of her typical spiel, because her head peaks up a little straighter. “Cato? Clove? I didn’t know you two were the replacements today?”

Clove recognizes her as a girl who was probably three or four years older than her, Selene if she remembers correctly. She had never even been a top three contender for the games; even if she had who would she have been killed by? Marvel? Annie? Johanna?

Funny, Clove thinks to herself, that she does not see this girl as someone who would have been a victor, but someone who would have fallen to one of her now friends.

“It was sort of a last minute thing, we didn’t expect to be.” Cato answers cordially, though the tilt in his voice told Clove he was trying to place this girl. “Selena, right? What are you doing here?”

“Selene.” The woman answers cooly, continuing the loud clicking of her nails against the keyboard.

Clove resists an eye roll at the evident offense she’s taken to Cato’s lack of recall of her exact name. Clove was called Clover for half her childhood– suck it the fuck up.

“I bring my son here,” Selene clips, slamming the keys a little aggressively, possibly more offended than she let on. “The quarry his dad worked in was one of the many destroyed in the war, taking him with it. I needed a job. The hours were good. Enobaria remembered me from back in the academy, she took pity on me.”

“You have a kid?” Clove asks, mouth risking falling open in disbelief. In her head they were still children, even if she had been older than Clove herself it was hard to believe she was old enough to have a whole child.

Cato raises an eyebrow, and something falls into place for him as to who this girl is even if he is sure not to betray that out loud. “I’m sorry..about his dad.”

“That's what happens to the rest of us, Clove, when we didn’t get to go to the games. We had to get jobs and go about our lives.” Selene responds politely, but the way her eyes flick to the clock behind them reveals she is trying to get out of this conversation as quickly as she can. “Thank you, Cato, He’s in the same class as your sister, I think. Oh look, there he comes now–”

A dinging bell, far less alarming than the whistle that used to be blown at them, signals what they can only explain as the end of the class, and children begin to pour out as parents begin to pour in from the outside.

Cato and Clove are relieved from the conversation when someone slams into Cato from the side, and Clove only has to slightly lower her gaze to see Cora clinging to his leg.

“Hey kiddo,” Cato immediately melts, his demeanor completely shifting as he pulls his sister onto his hip. “I didn’t know you were coming here today?” “Are we teaching your class?” Clove grins, suddenly a lot more enthusiastic at the thought of teaching when it came to Cora being involved.

“No, she actually just finished up. We come here twice a week.” Cato’s mom joins them, rubbing her son’s arm affectionately before she hands Cora her backpack. “You must have the baby class.”

The enthusiasm Clove just felt falls as fast as her facial expression, and her eyes go as wide as dinner plates at the thought. “What do you mean baby class? I thought we’d have teenagers. Or kids like..our age.”

“You aren’t kids anymore, my dear.” Clove’s mother in law reminds her with amusement in her tone, taking her daughter from her son. “The baby class is right after Cora’s. They’re all five and under. You mean no one told you what class you were covering?”

The hesitance in Brutus’ voice makes so much more sense now– of course no one wanted them responsible for babies. Okay, kids, but really really little kids.

“...Brutus just said we could have the space when the class ended.” Clove grumbles, crossing her arms over her chest as she watches parents of even younger children begin to drop them off by the door.

“At least it’s only a twenty minute class.” Cato’s mother tries, but firmly takes Cora’s hand. There's an smug amusement in her voice that she does not even bother covering, “Tell Cato and Clove you’ll see them tomorrow for dinner, Cora. They have a class to teach.”

“Byyyye,” Cora whines, and as she starts to head out with her mother, she whips her head back around to lock eyes with Clove. “Will you pleeeeeease take me to see Glimmer and the babies soon? You promised we could see them!”

“Soon, Cora. Soon.” Clove assured, giving her a little wave on the way out. Cora had demanded pictures of the twins every single time she had seen Clove in the couple of weeks since their birth, and practically begged to see them. Glimmer had been fine with it, and insisted it was okay to bring her during one of their many weekly trips to District One. Clove however couldn’t help but hesitate– weren’t school aged kids kind of gross to be around such new babies?

“...Twenty minutes, Clove. We can do anything for Twenty minutes.” Cato tries, but there's a unsure edge in his voice that does not comfort Clove. If either of them were going to be comfortable with kids it would have been Cato– his hesitance was doing nothing to ensure Clove this was going to go well.

As they brace themselves, slowly entering the general gymnasium area, Cato nudges Clove with his shoulder. “I finally realize where I can recognize Selene from.”

“Yeah, she was a couple years older than us in training–”

“No, no, not that. She was hooking up with my roommate when we were fifteen.”

“Delightful.” Clove responds, but the smirk on Cato’s face falls when he looks up and realizes it was not a response to his epiphany at all.

At some point the room had filled with about ten kindergarten aged kids, who were in various positions from sitting criss-cross to face down on the floor. The one that lies face down on the floor lets out a high pitched cry completely unprovoked, and Clove looks around in what can only be described as horror.

“What the hell were we thinking?” Clove hisses, low enough that none of the kids even looked over at her. She suppresses a gag as one of the little boys stuck his finger fearlessly down the throat of another, before the receiving boy chomps down on his invading fingers and he too joins his comrade in wailing. “Can these kids even tie their own shoes?”

As if the universe heard her question, one of the girls trips directly over her untied shoelaces and falls directly onto one of the other kids.

“This is a nightmare.” Clove grabs Cato’s arm, pulling him down towards her height. “What the hell do we do with these kids?”

“...do you think we pair them up?” Cato half-suggests half-asks, quickly counting them up. “There's five boys and five girls, could we pair them?” “And do what? Teach them to wrestle?” Clove snaps, but she has nothing better to offer. “Fine. Whatever. Maybe we make them warm up first?”

“Hey..hey…hey!” Cato tries three times before his booming voice earns ten little shocked pairs of eyes staring up at him open mouthed and wide, more than likely never having been yelled at by such a large man before. “Do you kids want to run a lap or something to warm up?” Cato suggests, trying to move on quickly before he scares them to the verge of tears.

A little arm shoots up from the same little girl who tripped over her shoes only seconds prior. Clove nods in her direction, but she continues to speak before Clove actually gets a chance to acknowledge her verbally. “What-sa lap?”

Clove stares, quite frankly a little dumbfounded. She was asking Enobaira to teach her to throw knives at this age– and these kids don’t know what a lap is? “A lap is when you run around the room in a circle.. You know what? Cato can show you.” She shoots him a smug smile, crossing her arm over her chest before using the other to gesture to the open gymnasium space. “Go ahead Cato!”

Cato can only glare at his wife, before he takes off in a half hearted jog around the room. Clove’s smug grin does not fall from her face until he returns in front of them, these kids still staring blankly up at them both.

Cato gestures to the open room again, gesturing down to the group of kindergarteners. “Okay..your turn.”

They are met with wide eyes and confused faces, and Clove and Cato exchange another look of confusion. “Are they dumb?” Clove whispers, and Cato responds with a light shrug before his arms cross over his chest.

“You guys can run..” Clove explains again, speaking much slower this time as if that will help betray her meaning to the group. “Run…”

The same little girl as before raises her hand again, and as before she speaks before she is even acknowledged. “My shoes are untied.”

“Me too!”

A chorus of “me toos” seems to come from the entire group of children, all who stick their feet out expectantly.

“Oh. And you don’t like..know how to fix that?” Clove questions, raising a dark eyebrow almost in disbelief. Did parents teach anything these days? “Why don’t you all just…take them off. Yeah. Take off your shoes and run like that!”

There’s a general mix of confusion from the children, but that is overpowered by the excitement of feeling like they are breaking rules as they all take off their little shoes and throw them casually to the side.

One by one they take off running, little legs not carrying them very fast around the full sized gym.

“They don’t go very fast do they?” Clove mumbles, rubbing her hand over the length of her face. “This should take up the next ten minutes at least. Then we only have to fill ten more.”

“Yeah! You have legs that size too and you don’t use it as an excuse–” Cato earns a sharp poke in his side for that one, but it does not take the smile off his face.

Every couple of steps one of the kids wipes out, the combination of socks and waxed floor no match for their underdeveloped muscle coordination. As a fourth thud is heard, Cato shakes his head in disbelief. “These really are the loser kids.”

“District Two doesn’t make ‘em like us anymore.” Clove agrees, watching the clock tick by as one by one the group of kids returns in front of them, thoroughly out of breath as some of them lay down on the floor. “How was that!”

“I want to go home!”

“Yeah, I want to go home too.” Clove whispers only for Cato to hear before she claps her hands in front of her. “Okaaaay. We are going to pair you up. Every boy is going to be with a girl-”

“Ewww girls!” Comes from one bratty little boy, who stomps his feet in a way that irritates Clove so deeply she wants to rip out her own hair.

“You won’t always say that.” Cato assures, and continues trying to make little tiny pairs of boys and girls, who immediately are separating. Some throw themselves to the ground, some cling to their friends. Either way it is not going well.

“I don’t want to be with a boy! Boys have cooties!” Another girl whines in protest, her little braids bouncing as she shakes her head back and forth.

“That will change… That will change.” Clove murmurs to herself again, before putting her hands up in defeat. “What happened to discipline! And honor! And skill!” She asks in Cato’s general direction, gesturing out in front of them. “Who is raising kids like this!”

“Our ex-classmates, apparently.” Cato retorts, but finally waves his hand to silence the room. “Fine. You have ten minutes left. Just. I don’t know, play or something? Don’t kill each other.”

“Even that, we would have been encouraged to kill each other, Cato. We TRIED to!” Clove watches as the kids generally disperse into the open space. “This is unbelievable.”

“We better make sure Cora isn’t like this. And we are not letting Glimmer and Marvel raise losers either.” Cato insists, rubbing a tired hand over his face as the room is filled with the sound of kids just playing. “Actually they may be a lost cause, Marvel was a fluke victor.”

Clove snorts back a laugh, digging through the bin of various sized balls and other semi-athletic equipment used by the other classes. There was nothing knife-like nor sword-like in sight. She settles on a tennis ball, tossing it lightly up and down in her hand, testing the weight of it.

Without warning she launches it at a target on the wall, and the sound of it smacking off the concrete brings the room silent for almost a moment. Clove ignores the ache that ebbs in her shoulder at the force, and goes back to find another of the same projectiles. “These aren’t even weighted properly.”

“You’re just that good.” Cato promises, wrapping his arms around her waist and letting his hands linger on the exposed skin of her abdomen a little longer. “I thought we were actually going to get to do something cool.”

“I thought I'd get to watch you take a cocky teenage boy down. I love when you put them in their place.” Clove teases, before she goes back to digging for a couple more appropriately sized tennis balls for her to throw. When she turns back Cato is no longer directly beside her, but has migrated to the mounted bar against the wall. She watches the muscles in his back and shoulders flex as he effortlessly pulls himself up and down in rep after rep of pull ups as if they were nothing. And for Cato? They absolutely were.

She stares at him for a few moments, and even though he’s mostly minding his business, Clove knows him too well. He’s absolutely showing off, and wordlessly challenging her to do the same (and it helps knowing that she most definitely is staring a little too long at his arms as he does so).

Cato knows his display paid off when the sound of rubber on the wall hits round after round around his head as Clove continues to never miss a target. “I miss knives.” She remarks with loud annoyance as the final ball hits the wall, and when Cato opens his mouth to respond he realizes there is an eerie quiet in the room of children.

He lets go of the bar, feet hitting the floor with agility, and when he turns around he notices ten pairs of eyes absolutely locked in on the two of them and their display of athletic dominance.

“Clove…” Cato says calmly, taking a few steps towards her as she gathers ammunition for another round of throws.

“What, you wanna show some actual skills other than flexing your arms-”

“Turn around.”

Clove furrows her eyebrows in confusion but does as he asks, trusting him more than she questions his motive. A sly smile creeps on her face as she sees the awed expressions of the kids they were supposed to be teaching, not ignoring, for the last ten minutes. “I think they’re impressed.. Nothing new. Who isn’t?” Clove begins, before she is cut off by the overly charming alarm that signaled class already being over.

“That was actually pretty easy.” Cato announces, as the barefoot kids quickly run to meet the waiting arms of their rightfully confused parents.

Not too long later, once the building is mostly empty save for the two of them, they sit side by side against the wall.

Cato audibly sighs, stretching his legs out in front of him as his arm drapes over her shoulders. She didn’t need to say it, but he could tell from the way she leaned into him that she was feeling a little bit of an ache from the overuse this afternoon.

“I didn’t think that would be so exhausting. I’m starving.” Cato admits, running his free hand over the side of his face.

Clove laughs, burying her face into his neck as she lets out a sigh of agreement. They didn’t even do that much. Just something about the whole situation; from the unathletic kids, to the whining, to the over competitive nature that their relationship would just never outgrow. ��I think I have half a granola bar in my coat pocket. It’s no peanut butter and jelly sandwich but-”

“Damn, I was really hoping you’d peel all the white shit off a pomegranate with a knife for me like old times.”

“You don’t even like pomegranates that much.”

“Yeah, but you’re pretty hot with a knife.”

#arwbfb tag #clato #cato and clove #clato fanfic #arwbfb au #picket fence is sharp as knives tag #always remember we're burned for better tag #clove thg #cato thg

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transfemnessie · 1 year ago

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to not put hate in the tags i really hate h*m*ns fuck yeah type stuff. maybe it's because we&re not human ourselves but the concept of human exceptionalism is really grating. i mean i also have issues with like. the far reverse. xelee sequence humanity getting dunked on is not my cup of tea either. id say i like old mans war but i dislike what he wrote recently that got awards so that's cringe now

bleh. idk.

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clanoffelidae · 2 years ago

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bleh

trying to tell myself that this is the heaviest time of year at work, im very much still recovering from covid, im still hurt by what happened back in early december and having difficulty re-engaging with previous past times because of the associations, and am also currently trying to help a disabled friend get out of his abusive home, find a doctor who can help him, and figure out how he can sustain himself financially long-term in a way that won't make everything worse in the long run by exceeding his limitations; so it's okay that i'm not doing a whole lot of 'fun' things or being super productive, i don't have to be to begin with, but i'm still feeling pretty down at times

i think by and large i'm mostly lonely; while i see people every day at work we're all stressed to hell and back, i retreated from several social circles when the whole deal went down in early december because it was all just constant reminders of what was hurting me (which was absolutely the right call, but the end result was also that, well, now i don't talk to as many people any more :/), and hit me so bad that i really should have gone to the hospital so i've just been too tired to socialize with people both irl and online but unfortunately human brains are stupid and still demand a level of socializing and make you feel bad when you don't get it even when putting in the effort to get it would cause greater overall suffering due to physical and mental stress (i've had like maybe half a spoon since i started feeling really sick around december 22nd-23rd)

i dunno, just externalizing it, if you happen to read this it's probably cause you follow me and so by now you are probably well aware that i do that a lot lol

idk writing in a journal or personal notepad doesn't really help as much, i try to bury these types of posts a lot by not tagging them and putting them under readmores in the hopes that they'll go largely unnoticed, but i need the façade of putting it out there and making it 'public' or else it still circles to an extent; i have to at least be able to pretend i'm saying it to other people to get it out best and unfortunately i haven't been able to cognitive dissonance myself well enough for truly private rambles to help

so like i dunno, if you're reading this don't feel like this is a cry for help or really saying anything, i'm just trying to process how i feel and externalize it in the hopes the bad vibes will ease up a bit

and what sucks even more is that now i feel the need to say that haha; because what hurt me so bad back in december was that two instances of me just posting things on my blog to externalize them, untagged (tagged with commentary but not tagged to be searchable) and hidden under readmores that were just me trying to get negative feelings out in as privately a way as i could while still saying them 'publicly' because my brain is stupid and needs to at least be able to pretend it's being said to other people, were taken and used to call me immature and untrustworthy, i was given no chance to defend myself or even ask questions until i went and tracked someone else down to ask if i could ask questions, no one ever reached out to me and asked about the posts before going ahead and leveling accusations at me (and i know the posts had to go through at least four people's hands and two levels of hierarchy), not once did anyone try to inquire about these non-specific and untagged posts to see if they had the story right, and while during the subsequent conversation one of them was cleared up and apologized for (which i greatly appreciate!) not a single thing was said about the other and the second post had been me venting irrational anxieties about encountering a specific individual who had previously hurt me and when i requested that they (people who used that post to accuse me) not do that to someone again as far as i can tell i was pretty much just brushed off

like if just one person had messaged me and said they were concerned about the posts or wanted to talk to me about them i would've been happy to clear things up right there on the spot

and now i can't even make an anonymous post on my anonymous tumblr blog about the fact that i'm feeling a little down without feeling the need to defend myself for doing so because the last time i did this it was -gestures irritably and exhaustedly to text wall above-

just sucks y'all, idk

at every possible point in that situation i tried to communicate with people when it was clear there was something to communicate about, beyond that i was just externalizing feelings and attempting to make sure they were out of the way and not bothering anyone, you don't get to come in here and demand that i should have taken my vent post about completely irrational anxieties relating to an individual who has harmed me previously to you, complete strangers, instead of just non-specifically venting it and burying it because it's irrational worry and i knew that and was just trying to get it out of my head; especially when you never tried to communicate your concerns to me, as far as i knew we had resolved everything because everything had been cleared up and everyone said it was fine, the sheer hypocrisy and audacity of demanding that i bring my personal trauma and anxiety to complete fucking strangers when said strangers couldn't even be bothered to send me a single damn message related to their own concerns after, again, we had seemingly cleared everything up and everything had been smoothed over because clarifications were made and everyone said it was cool, and then i got taken by complete surprise and felt the damn floor fall away from me after an hour or two once it fully sunk in that the fucking intrusive thoughts i was trying to cope with were used as a weapon against me

like fucking thanks they were already causing me enough difficulty on their own, didn't know they could be weaponized even further, now i know i guess

'but how could anyone have known that-?' maybe if they'd fucking asked me, at literally any point, instead of taking non-specific words from a complete stranger that were not directed at anyone and deciding what they meant in their own heads

but to do a complete tonal whiplash as is my specialty i am well and truly still upset about that and still working on it (emotional processing and recovery was halted by a blast door upon contracting covid wherein i transitioned from fighting a painful emotional situation to fighting for my damn life lol), slowly picking up steam again on working through it and dragging things up back out from where they got hurriedly buried because i had other priorities like trying to continue breathing to sort through them, but as awful as it was the statements of 'i hate that this happened and am extremely hurt by it and am still processing it' and 'if this situation hadn't happened i could've well died or at the very least wound up on a ventilator and with severe lung and probably heart damage from covid so i am simultaneously extremely grateful it happened because i love living and being alive' are not mutually exclusive <3

'lynx what the FUCK do you mean it stopped you from dying or at the very least ending up on a ventilator from covid'

part of the reason the situation was so hard on me was that i had inadvertently entered withdrawal from my adhd meds, an amphetamine, and the situation resulted in that withdrawal going on for much longer than it should have (and may have sort of been the reason it started because i wound up staying up late because i was so excited due to stuff related to the situation before it went to shit and as a result overslept and missed my meds for 2 days in a row and thus started me into withdrawal); it left me struggling to stand and trembling and with a persistent headache and too weak to do much other than stumble to the kitchen for 2 minutes and then stumble back to bed

what this means: i was in severe physical distress due to amphetamine withdrawal BUT i also built up an extra stockpile of the meds i failed to take

i shortly after went up to a higher dose of my meds

i barely had enough to get me through covid

if all of this hadn't happened i would have gone into amphetamine withdrawal from an even HIGHER dose of a medication which left me struggling to stand, extremely weak, and in pain when i went into withdrawal the first time; while being sick with covid that got so severe already that i could feel stuff rattling in my chest with every breath that i was too weak to cough out, i was unable to do more than take extremely shallow breaths because the lower parts of my lungs were gummed up, and i was having to breathe at about 35-40 breaths a minute while lying down resting because if i tried to slow or deepen my breathing at all i would become dizzy from oxygen deprivation

yeah anyway the situation sucks and im still very much working on the emotional hardship it caused and figuring out what to do but on the other hand i am simultaneously extraordinarily grateful for it because whatever benevolent but chaotic entity sets up the rube goldberg machine that is my life (this is NOT the first time something like this has happened, another good example im not going to get into the details of rn is 2 months of extremely painful ear infections saved me from a therapy bill) made sure i wouldn't die or at the very least end up on a ventilator with severe lung and probably heart damage from covid 👍

and ive got that other stuff going on like i mentioned at the beginning but that's way too much an on-going thing for me to have more thoughts than 'hnnng why can't i just kidnap friend' F lol

just venting and then felt it apt to ensure the tonal whiplash of my life hits as many people as possible because if you started reading that upset vent you gotta know what happened a few weeks later because buddy. ah.

anyway living and being alive is great, i have seen the face of death before and while it has left me a much wiser and more peaceful person in the aftermath (honestly i know it doesn't seem like it from my vent posts but that's because i have chronic can't shut up disease but at the end of it all i really only give a shit because i know that what happens to me can happen to others, if this had been something like 'yeah i got attacked by a rabid dog but it was euthanized and im getting treatment for it 's all good' you would've heard way less about it lol, it's because this is a kind of situation that ripples if that makes sense?) i really was laying there christmas night realizing the probability of me not waking up again (which is never 0) had increased by a worryingly large percentage and looking at death who was vibing on top of my chest and making it hard to breathe like '... i'm going to sleep and you better piss off while i'm in dreamland'

(not literally i mean this in a metaphorical sense)

at this rate i'm gonna have to start asking how the kids are lol

mfer's quiet tho like damn okay i'm not worth a reply i'll just go fuck myself then lol

(again, still being metaphorical here; it's one of those things where if you don't get it just let it go and if you get it you get it and also i'm so sorry do you want to talk /srs)

#this got longer than anticipated lol #feel better now tho so mission accomplished #maybe next time i can bring memes i have a few starting to bump around in my head like a window's screensaver

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pup-pee · 11 months ago

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TY 4 THE TAG I KINDA 4GOT ABOUT THIS BUT HFDJKSHF ASK GAME!!!

1. Are you named after anyone?

my dead name is a band member(my full name has 2 of them which just, ITS NOT EVEN SPELT CORRECTLY???) & jay is just from ninjago bc im vry normal about him

2. When was the last time you cried?

mayb 2 days ago but i cant remember what i was reading

3. Do you want to have kids?

i would like a beetle & name them juno

4. What sports do/have you played?

oh gosh ok uh archery & horseback! most of my sport stuff was me just getting shoved in2 it bc my older friends/brother were in it. this is y i have a hard time reading archery in comics/watching it though BC NO 1 HOLDS THE BOW RIGHT ITS LIKE THE GODDAMN ARROW WOULD FALL OFF THE STRINGS GONNA SNAP STOP

i love horses :3 & i never understood y ppl r scared of them? unless ur talking about getting concussions then yeah ok fair ig BUT THATS LIKE EVERY SPORT

5. Do you use sarcasm?

i try i fail i suck @ it i wish every1 would stop using sarcasm just 4 me tehe /j

6. What's the first thing you notice about someone?

clothes,,,,,i cant make eye contact

7. What's your eye colour?

brown thats it. dark brown? its pretty boring other than when it used 2 turn green like a goddamn moodring but bleh

8. Movies with sad or happy endings?

HAPOPY ENDINGS MY BRAIN CANT TAKE IT. im a angst goblin but i love a good ending,,,,if i get anything else my brain goes in2 overwork & i implode

although good endings but things r still shit r just kjfjhkdshkjhkjhkjkjh yeah

9. What talents do you have?

fuck UHHHHHH i can bend a lot! like putting both my feet behind my head 4 no reason. i can also like, ok yk the butterfly sitting pose? imagine that but extreme sports. i didnt realize i was rlly flexable until some1 pointed it out bc ive just always been able 2 do it

also i can make a 'hamsters laugh' w/my throat no i have noidea how 2 explain that further

10. Where would you like to live?

BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN

11. What are your hobbies?

drawwwingg, writing, reading, yk the usual, uh im trying 2 learn how 2 sk8!

12. Do you have any pets?

1 small peepaw dog names niko. funfact, hes right bhind me

13. How tall are you?

5'3 im not short & im tired of ppl telling me i am fjskdh

14. Favourite subject in school?

MATH ITS EASY ITS JUST GODDAMN NUMBERS I DONT HAVE 2 SPELL @ ALL

on the flip side ive also failed a lot of my math classes even though it get 90+s on my tests so idk whats up w/that

15. What is your dream job?

hhh idk anything w/drawing or nursing? these r also just the jobs every1 tells me i should do lol

ANY1 WHO WANTS 2 JOIN PLS DO!! its fun & silly

15 questions, 15 people

Thx for the tag @marauders-everything2

Starting a new post, it was too long. Slightly modified some questions.

1. Are you named after anyone?

Nope.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Don't remember, probably yesterday.

3. Do you want to have kids?

No thanks :)

4. What sports do/have you played?

My parents tried putting me in a bunch of shit when I was younger so I've done: swimming (for some years, still not great at it lol), surfing (quit after like 2 months), kizomba dance (hated it), another type of dance, contemporary dance (I liked it but the place closed), and we went skiing several times (which I love). If horseriding counts, I did that for a year. Currently not doing any.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Yeah, sometimes. But I'm also quite direct and straightforward. Only "straight" I am.

6. What's the first thing you notice about someone?

Their fashion style. I love going up to strangers to compliment their outfits!

7. What's your eye colour?

Dark brown.

8. Movies with sad or happy endings?

I love movies with uncertain, ambiguous endings, in which the meaning is up for debate (like Inception).

9. What talents do you have?

Fast at absorbing information (sometimes), hypercreativity, great at bullshitting in academic tests/essays, good at making accents and voices, ummm... Can't remember more.

10. Where would you like to live?

New Zealand. It's pretty and one of the least problematic English-speaking countries (wanna live somewhere where English is the official language).

11. What are your hobbies?

Writing fanfiction and original stories (more like my passion), playing The Sims 4, drawing digitally (haven't in a while though), singing?

12. Do you have any pets?

My parents have 3 dogs (no breed) and koi fish. I want a cat :')

13. How tall are you?

165 cm or 5'5" for the Americans.

14. Favourite subject in school?

At college. Don't really like any of my current classes. Ig English C1.2 because we studied the Broadway play Hamilton. Although I haven't learned anything new.

15. What is your dream job?

Writer/author, would also like to do voice acting. Maybe a psychologist too, haven't decided if I'll take a second college degree.

No pressure tags: @siriuslystarbucks @starsandmoonys @whoopsiesnodaisies @star4daisy @starchaser-lily @half-cold-coffee @cazzythefrogking @starsarestories @my-beloved-fandoms @my-castles-crumbling @reggiecantswimm @artbyace @literallytoogaytofunction @rosemelodyshah @theres-an-endless-starry-sky

#i 4got 2 hit post sighs #longpost #/#ask game #!!!!!!#ok i go back 2 work now blehh

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an-asuryampasya · 2 years ago

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man one of these days I'll cave and end up making a post that romanticises the heck out of concrete

#pretty sure i know what it'll end up being about too: how concrete is forever singing the song of its life and pain #but we could never hear it #until we learnt that the world has so much more to tell us than we realised #and we put that yearning to hear more to science #and developed instruments that /can/ hear and interpret the world for us #and so today we can just hold up a machine to the concrete wall #to hear the song of how it came to be and what it experienced #or something along those lines idk #placeholder tag #fucking love concrete technology #it's FASCINATING #consider me a lifelong proponent of how concrete tech can be surprisingly wonderful but woefully underappreciated #i think i may have misused the word proponent there but bleh i can't think of the right one #concrete technology

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honeylikewords · 5 years ago

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ten movies

i was tagged in a post to list my 10 favorite movies using a gif from the film! i believe i’ve done something similar in the past, but i thought it was time for an update on the list!

so, without further ado, here are some gifs from the movies i’m feeling an intense fondness for right now!

i know i’m also supposed to tag others but i feel far too shy to right now so please instead just enjoy some pretty gifs from my favorite movies and do ask me about these films or tell me others you enjoy!

#feel free to ask me anything about these movies (ie why i like them for their technical or narrative aspects etc)#long post #tag games #about k #gif warning #i wonder what this says about me as a person?#probably something stellarly embarrassing HAH #but also this isn't a list of films that are my favorites for actual film study reasons these are films i like on a personal level #or because they're comforting or satisfying i suppose?#or they have oscar isaac in them so *throws myself in a lake*#also im not even being ironic or funny when i say i genuinely admire napoleon dynamite as a work of art because it really captures something #something distinctly midwestern and poor and y2k that really a lot of other films can't do well #something that is so isolated in and of itself that the only way you can understand it is by having lived it really?#idk that's a lot to put on a goofy movie but i'm not in it for goofs im in it because 'oh god yeah oh god i remember what that was like'#i spent my early childhood as a poor kid in rural indiana so i absolutely look at that movie and go 'that is precisely the aesthetic of it'#like? the way people were just. Stuck in the 2000s or early 90s they were just STUCK even as time WHIPPED forward and everything changed #there was this clinging to the old-new as being the current-new and bleh anyway i'd have to do a whole essay on the validity of it #i also want to acknowledge that HMC isn't TECHNICALLY my faaaavorite of the ghibli movies and that i take UMBRAGE with some elements #of how it was adapted (namely in how howl's character is portrayed)#but this whole summer i've been stuck on that scene where sophie gets so angry with howl (in his moment of overblown vanity) that she bursts #into tears and screams at him about how 'some of us have never been beautiful in our entire lives!'#and how that just resonated and that ACHED #i also had a hell of a time making this list because 1) i promptly forgot every film i ever watched and 2) i can't choose favorites easily #much less tell other people my favorites because your favorites say SO MUCH ABOUT YOU and far be it from me #to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known #and yes i was going to put napoleon dynamite on here but i figured no one would take that very seriously despite my very serious feelings #i also didn't include hard hitters like us or get out or blackkklansman because they're not films i rewatch for pleasure or comfort #they're works of art and some of my favorites in that regard but not films i circle back to frequently enough to count #most violent year and operation finale are on here because they actually do sort of strangely comfort me despite their intensity and im 100%#sure it's because of oscar but note the distinction of those two roles

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poisonedsimmer · 3 years ago

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Check In Tag!

Got tagged by the ever wonderful @morgynemberisagenderfluiddaddy TY for always so so sweet and so awesome! 💗 why did you choose your url? Well this blog is about sims and my current online username is BelovedPoison soooo I’m a simmer who’s been poisoned with simming addiction and love. Therefore PoisonedSimmer. Also I was too dumb to think of anything smart sooooo bleh here we are! lol any side blogs? if you have them name them and why you have them. On this account, no. My original sims account used to be a sideblog itself, but I’ve since restarted and so far only this blog on this account. how long have you been on tumblr? Oh jeeze, uh... idek! Since like 2009, maybe 2010 originally. For this account of course a few months. lol do you have a queue tag? Nope! I always mean to but I haven’t thought of a specific queue tag related to me yet. Plus I don’t often use my queue, not gonna lie. I mostly tend to just reblog stuff when I see it. Or occasionally I’ll do a bulk upload using the queue but I don’t use it much at all. why did you start your blog in the first place? Because I LOVE photography irl and I LOVE taking pics of my sims too. I wanted to share pics of my sims and this is honestly one of the best/easiest places to do that, even with the drama that can occur sometimes. Also I wanted to make some sims stories for a few of my sims, and this is definitely the better/easier site for that. why did you choose your icon/pfp? Because Neo and Heiss are cute and together and I adore them and I LOVE their sim forms so I just wanted them there. why did you choose your header? Ummm idk I just loved the colours and the lighting and the posing and the two sims really. It’s a little cyberpunky looking almost and I ADORE my Corpse sim and also my Damon sim. They are two of my fav sims I’ve ever made so I had to put them up there. XD and I haven’t taken another pic so far that I want to replace it with. I love my boys. lol what’s your post with the most notes? On this new account, this one, on the original version of my account, this one Never thought one of my posts would have half as many notes as either of these two. O.o! how many mutuals do you have? Ummmm? Quite a few? Honestly idk. Ngl I’ve never counted or kept track. I just like following awesome people and sometimes they follow me back! Or awesome people follow me and then I follow them back. So yeah no clue sorry. how many people do you follow? 143 how many followers do you have? hurr hurr also 143 so that’s new! Never paid attention before but this is funny to me XD have you ever made a shitpost? Oh abso-frigging-lutely! I am not a huge shit poster but I’ve definitely done multiple times. Sometimes not even on purpose lol did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won? More than I can remember honestly. I mean it’s not huge amounts but I don’t really back down from fights sooooo... The main one I remember, well uh their stupidity was not only annoying, but their lack of inclusion and their repeatedly going around in circles pissed me off so I just fucking blocked em. Did I win? Idk but it felt like a win to stop seeing them or having to respond to them, so as far as I’m concerned, I absolutely won! XD how often do you use tumblr each day? Uhhhhh I couldn’t even count! Like I am constantly on and off. Sometimes only for a minute or two, sometimes for much longer, but how many times I do that? I wouldn’t even know where to start with counting this honestly. how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts? Don’t like it. Ngl it bugs me. I don’t NEED to anything unless I want to actually and I won’t accept people telling me what to do. I will reblog things I want/feel the need to. But honestly, when I see posts that say I NEED to reblog it, just that wording makes me not wanna do it. Don’t force people to reblog things, even if they are important! I bet a lot more people would do it if they didn’t feel so forced and pushed into it. Sorrynotsorry. do you like ask games? YES! Asks, ask games, yes to all! I love them, my inbox is always open. Feel free to talk to me, send me ask games, literally anything. do you like tag games? YESSSSS! I always feel like I’m bothering people when I tag them in the games, sorry people ilu! But I do find great joy when anyone tags me in things and wants to ask me stuff about me, my blog, my sims etc which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? Oh jeeze ummm let’s see now. Void-imp, Veethe, Lazysunjade, Ladykendalsims, Cyansimblr, Wistfulpoltergeist, Thekunstwollen, Oydis, Aniraklova, Raccoonium. There’s more but like those ones are ones that definitely stick out to me as ‘oh hey they kinda tumblr famous!’ :D do you have a crush on a mutual? Nope! Sorry, ilu all but I’m taken and my love for you all is purely platonic. <3 Tags Ummmm if I tag you, please don’t feel like you have to do this. I will totally understand if you don’t want to/already have and I somehow just missed it. @lazysunjade @cyansimblr @void-imp @neriney @katterpile @disasterbri @clumsyghostie @veethe @pixeles @pixelit0s @ezradical @amuhav @plasmavamp and if you see this... @ YOU! Conisider yourself tagged <3

#nonsims #saviorhide #non-sims #Poison's personal shit #stuff about me #hi here's some stuff about my blog #in case you all wanted to know #hehehe

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