#idk what happened bc my last training session i felt pretty good!! like i felt like i was getting the hang of it

[mulderfx]

[seasaltmemories]

celica alm cooking fluff plssssssssss

Celica’s calves burned from the walk up the stairs to her apartment.  She had told herself she should exercise more and taking the stairs instead of the elevator was an easy first step, but after a long day of working late, her body was regretting that decision.  As soon as let herself in, she kicked her heels off to the side, and peeled off the rest of her sweaty clothing until she was down to her underwear.  After running across the city and back in the hot sun, all she wanted to do was take a shower and then collapse into bed.  Tomorrow was going to be just as strenuous, so there was no need to drag today out any longer, even if that phone-call still hung in her mind.

However, before she could make it to the bathroom, she noticed the tv in the living room was still on.  As she went to turn it off she found Alm asleep on the couch.  Strange, he wasn’t the type watch much tv and doze off.    Figuring he’d prefer to sleep in his own bed, she nudged him gently.

“Mmhm?”  Alm groaned as  he lifted his head.  “Celica?”

“It’s me,” Up close, she noticed the stains lining his t-shirt and a glob of something smattered across the bridge of his nose.  Knowing him, Gray and the rest of the gang must have dragged him into something stupid, but that would be a story to hear another day. “You should wash up and get to bed.”

Slowly he began to sit up, stretching his limbs out like he was a cat.  “What time is it?”

“11:00pm.  Don’t worry, I’m gonna be joining you soon.”

Immediately his head snapped towards her, suddenly alert and lively.  “Ah! Good then I didn’t miss it!  Follow me!”  Before she could protest, he had already grabbed her hand and dragged her to the kitchen.  “Ta da!”  With a flourish he flicked the light-switch.  “Happy Birthday!”

Sitting on the counter was a plastic cake container with a note proclaiming the same cheery message. If it had been any other day she would at least appreciate the effort, but after everything that had happened, she couldn’t mask her disappointment.

“Alm...we talked about this.”  It had been bad enough having to spoil Mae and Boey’s attempt at a surprise lunch date.  “I just don’t really have the time for--”  She tried to search for the right words, but ended up coming up blank.  “--that.”  She gestured at the container.

Alm ran a hand through his hair  “I know you didn’t want to celebrate, but I thought something simpler could help make the festivities go down a bit easier.  So what if it isn’t a birthday cake, just one I happened to make this afternoon?  We can save it for tomorrow if you’re really too tired.”

In the light she could see it was flour that had gotten all over his clothes and face.  Considering the evening out together he had originally planned, Alm really was trying to meet her on her level.  It wasn’t like she disliked her birthday, but with her polling and research running her more ragged than usual on top of the other normal stresses of life, she felt as if she physically couldn’t relax, that if left doing nothing for too long she would snap and lash out at those just wanting to help her and ruin everything.    

Without warning, her stomach let loose a loud growl.  When she did the math in her head, she realized she hadn’t had any food since her quick lunch at 3.

“I guess one slice wouldn’t hurt.”

Alm’s smile was so bright, she thought it might blind her in that moment.  “Sounds great!  One slice coming up!”  With a flourish he removed the top...

...and revealed the saddest cake she had ever seen.  She hadn’t expected any homemade effort to be professional quality, but what frosting had managed to stay on the cake seemed to double its height.  The poor thing couldn’t even stand up straight.

She couldn’t help.  Immediately she broke in an ugly laugh, so hard she buried her face in her hands in an attempt to keep some measure of dignity.

“Hey! I worked very hard on it!” Alm scowled, but he couldn’t hide the flush slowly creeping up his neck.

“I know you did, honey.  I appreciate it, truly,”  She leaned forward to kiss his cheek.  “What matters the most is that it tastes good.”

Back in highschool, when imagining the grand and ambitious life she’d have once she left home, Celica hadn’t picture herself eating an ugly slice of cake in her underwear at midnight.  But as Alm and she ate (it actually turned out to taste pretty decent) something in her slowly began to still.  Ugh, somehow she always managed to forget just how much slowing down helped her, even when every bone in her body screamed not to.  Funny how humans were like that.  Repeating the same mistakes over and over again.  Really she was a pro at it.  But instead of beating herself over it, she tried to focus on the way Alm’s thumb skimmed over her knuckles.  It was harder to lose her head with him anchoring her.

When they both finished, Alm moved to put the cake up, but before he could leave, she squeezed his hand.

“Hmm?”  He raised an eyebrow.  With the way that flour was still caked across the bridge of his nose, she couldn’t help but smile and lean forward to wipe it off.

“Dad texted me today.”

Alm muttered something under his breath, yet from the way his grip tighten around her she knew more or less what he said.

“I thought you had blocked that bastard’s number?”

“And changed mine since the last time he pulled this stunt.”  Celica massaged the side of her temple with her free hand.  “But he must have been using his latest girlfriend’s phone bc I didn’t recognize the number and thought it might be one of the priests I’ve scheduled to interview.  And once I started reading....it was like a train-wreck, couldn’t look away no matter how much I wanted to.”

“What’d he say?”

“The same old about not being sure about how much time he has left,” She sighed as she pulled at a loose string.  It always felt like she pouring salt in an exposed wound right after she thought it had closed.  “And he tried to worm his way into getting an invitation to the wedding.”  

Alm let go of his hand to cup her face, his thumb stroking her cheek gently.  “Cel...don’t feel like you have to forgive him just it’s what you’re “supposed” to do.  You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your special day for other people’s happiness.  Least of all, his.”

“Oh the guilt is definitely there, but I feel like I’m handling it better,”  Despite her light pitch the bitterness steeped through all the same.  “Rather it feels like I have no choice.  If he was able to get my number he can probably figure out where its gonna be and invite myself.  I feel tied to being his daughter no matter what I do.”

Alm bit his lip--a common habit for when he was frustrated.  One one hand it was touching to see him emphasize so much with her, but on the other she hated making him suffer.

“I called my therapist about it.  When I get around to my next session we’ll be ready to tackle it.”

“Doesn’t make me want to try and fix everything any less,”  Alm pulled away, fists clenching and unclenching.  This was an old song and dance for them, yet that didn’t ease the pain a bit.  “You know I’m always willing to do whatever I can.”

“And I love you for that.”  It was Celica’s turn to stroke his arm.  Truly even this meant the world to her. “It doesn’t help that he offered to cover expenses.  Almost makes me want to tolerate him just so that money isn’t stuck sitting in his trust funds and--”

“--Celica, I would never ask that of you.”  Green eyes bore into her soul.  “I feel awful that you’ve had to be working yourself to death for me, but I promise once I pass the bar exam, things will get easier for both of us.”

She took that moment to study Alm closely, to really observe the man she would dedicate herself to in the matter of a few months and the worry that lined his face. My my in moments like this she could trace out the boy she first met, who had been doing his damnest to befriend the lonely, rich girl.

“Look at us--”  Celica gestured from her underwear, to the cake, then to the rest of the apartment, at a lost of what to say.  “--just...tripping over each to see who can do the most for the other.  I thought it was my job to overthink things.”

“We’re both the professional types,” Alm ran a hand through his hair.  “Professional disasters for now but one day we might get prompted on up to professional mess.”

“It will be quite exciting won’t it?”  Celica laughed.  The memories swarmed before her eyes, of the two of them sharing their dreams during homecoming, imagining the world that would wait for them once they left their small town. They had managed to survive high school together and even made it through undergrad all while thousands of miles apart.  The fact they made it this far would have blown her fourteen year-old mind.

“Hey, don’t worry about saving the world, Superman.”  This time she pressed a kiss to his nose.  “Just be my Clark Kent.”  Even with no clear solution to her father, the wedding, or tomorrow’s long hours, her shoulders still as if some of the weight had been lifted.

“Eh not sure if I can ever give up on the world,”  From the faraway look in his eye, he must have been reliving the past just like her.  “but you think it’s ok for now?”

The same tired side of her was ready to insist everything was fine, that she had to rush to bed so she could rush all tomorrow again.  However its tiredness seemed to have drained even her own weariness.

“Can we cuddle for a bit?”  She felt like a teen voicing such a desire.  “We’ve been out of sync with our schedule for a while now, and I’ve really missed it.”

Without another word, Alm wrapped her in his arms.  As Celica rested her head against his heart, she knew that everything they’ve been through would have all been worth it just to have this moment.  

A.N. Idk if I know how to fluff anymore, so some hurt/comfort as much as it got away from the prompt I am just happy to finish something

[i-amusemyself]

All the stationary.

Ahhhh ty!!! I can’t tell if you wanna know that much bc you gaf or not though.....

Paranoia aside imma overshare either way!! *finger guns*

gel pen: when are you most comfortable?

I mean, I have anxiety so that just doesn’t happen much lmao! My first thought though was when I visit my favourite place, a little corner of a field with amazing views where I’m always on my own. I love it there.

ballpoint pen: tell me about the day you’ve just had

The day I’ve had was hell, so I’d rather relive yesterday.

Yesterday I woke up and binge watched supernatural; actually remembered to eat for once then was actually motivated enough to do revision. I got into hysterics over a tumblr post so quickly decided it was a day I should be avoiding hella emotional stuff....10 minutes later I was watching the last ever episode of prison break and sobbing uncontrollably at every word. In the afternoon I went out but not before losing my phone which was exactly where I left it. By that point though I was so late I had to speed walk at least 2 miles to the next village, where of course my friend arrived flanked by two pretty decent looking guys. I honestly looked like a tomato with water retention issues at that point so I’m sure that was a fabulous first impression. Then we got over to our revision session at the library early so went to the pub instead which was a dream; didn’t get any alcohol though because you can’t revise biology while hammered. Believe me. Then I stayed up late enough to get my ass whooped last night but it was so worth it because even though it turned into some sort of snapchat contest, I was laughing my ass off the whole time it was amazing. 

That enough of a day for you?fineliner: what’s your greatest achievement?

I used to train with the england basketball team, and I played for East Midlands. That was a pretty cool experience.highlighter: what are your best qualities?

Jfc, plural? Idk! I’m pretty motivated? And I always make an effort to tell the truth (if its good, otherwise I keep my mouth shut).

greylead: what is something you want to try for the first time?

Being attractive. Being loved. Need I go on? Oh and also giant zip-lining.felt-tip: describe your aesthetic

My bedroom looks like an ikea showroom lmfaooo so whatever that is. Weird architecture and cacti and random objects in neat little storage places.

But equally like, overgrown graveyards mixed with roses and anything black. Depends on my mood.crayon: your earliest childhood memory

Treading on a bee and having to have the sting removed from my foot lmao

scrapbook: something from your childhood that makes you smile

............um??

Okay there was this one time we found an old camera in the loft. I must’ve been 3 since my dad was still there. Anyway we all went out in the garden and it was such a normal little family thing, but it’s the only time I ever remember that happening. It’s got my parents waving and looking happy and me sticking my head out from inside a little wendy house grinning and it’s so cute. It’s the sort of thing I wish I’d had more of.

sketching pad: describe yourself from a stranger’s point of view

A lanky thing approaches. It has a stereotypical lesbian haircut, bad eyesight and appears to have given up on all things fashionable. It’s shy and awkward, so makes you feel extremely uncomfortable too. It appears to be reasonably friendly, but occasionally says things that don’t make a single bit of sense before desperately looking around the room looking for more small talk inspiration. You’re overall impression is it’s a pretty boring human being, probably totally harmless, but would be incredibly easy to replace.notebook: what’s your favourite quote?

I have a couple of little quotes I remind myself of on a daily basis, ranging from song lyrics; “darling you’ll be okay” and “the sun will rise and we will try again” to “pick your fights” and “you gotta give a bit of yourself to get something in return”. I kinda live my life by those.paper: what kind of book would you write?

I have absolutely no idea! I can’t see myself ever having the motivation to write a book.stapler: out of all the people you know, who do you think you are closest to?

My best friend @only-slightly-dangerous who literally knows me so well it’s scary! She can literally message me out of knowhere and know from 3000 miles away if I’m in pain.glue stick: what do you look for in a lasting relationship/friendship?

I can’t be dealing with people that lie or are fake or whatever. So definitely honesty. Also people just being themselves and not being afraid to be weird or whatever, because that’s when I relax a bit lmao! I guess a decent sense of humor too? And someone that doesn’t mind you asking questions or whatever. Idk. Sometimes you just click with people without being about to put it down to a specific characteristic.tape: tell me about your longest friendship

It wasn’t very long. 

I mean I had “friendships” through all of primary school but that doesn’t really feel like it counts. Secondary school? The first girl I made friends with and was really close to for 5 years is now like,,, someone I honestly can’t even stand to hear about soooruler: what line will you never cross?

I could never cheat. eraser: what do you consider to be your biggest mistake?

I’m not sure. Maybe not standing up for myself more at school and at home. There have been occasions where it would have been totally reasonable but I just shut up and let shit happen so I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up about that stuff.

Also, and I know I shouldn’t but, I still spend a lot of time thinking about a boy at our school who killed himself and I never knew him but I still wonder if I could have done anything.scissors: ever had a bad break-up?

Nothing hella nasty but I don’t really talk to any of my ex’s at all.calculator: list fifteen things that make you happy

Lmaooo I’ll do my best!! Okay so music; concerts; friends; seeing other people laughing; making people laugh; stand up comedy; hella good art; hearing people tell stories; sitting and listening in the middle of knowhere; thunderstorms; exploring; helping people; good food; the sound of rain on the roof; cuddling and tumblr.protractor: an unpopular opinion/angle you have on an issue

Pinapple is good on pizza.sticky note: something about yourself you’d like to change

I feel like I have no personality so like,,,I wish that could be better. I wish I was pretty. Or attractive or whatever. Oh and I wish I could sing those hella high notes because I feel sorry for the neighbours atm.stamp: a date that’s special for you and why

25th March because that’s the day my life changed just enough for me to carry on.bookmark: a book that means a lot to you and why

I always just say Numbers, but honestly it was the first ever book I cried at and I feel like it helped me understand the world a little more.folder: describe your family

How long do you have? I mean, it’s quite a small family but I’m not that close to any of them. Most of them are just pretty conservative living in little nuclear families. I didn’t used to get on too well with my dad but we’ve got a lot closer. I still don’t get on with my mum very well though bc she’s abusive. welp. whiteboard: tell me your plans for tomorrow

I’m gonna die a slow, painful death by revision and then recover when I go to my dad’s and walk Borris.blackboard: tell me about a memory that has affected who you are today

All those memories are locked away in a place I can’t get to and I think it’s best to keep it that way for now.

A low key one is probably when a friend once told me nobody cared about me or what I had to say and I’ve basically been mute in most social situations since XDpinboard: what are you focusing on in your life right now?

Exams. A level exams. Just one more month and I’m freeeee!!!tablet: tell me your plans for the future

Start a fresh life at uni and get this degree. Then who knows? I’ll probably go and get another degree and I’m pretty sure I’ll end up doing medicine.stencil: who are your role models?

I don’t have very many. Kaitlyn Alexander for sure, because they really helped me understand who I am and start to accept it. Also Luke Cutforth because I love his YouTube channel but also a lot of things he’s done related to mental health have been helpful and I relate a lot.envelope: tell me a secret

I’m going to my end of year prom in a shirt and tie and I haven’t told anyone yet and I’m scared shitless. I’m still gonna do it though!!

[meanderfall]

//tornadoes thru ur window, completely shattering the glass: for the writer meme, 5 - 6 - 8 - 10 - 15 - 21 - 25 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30 - 34 - 36 - 39 - 45 - 47 - 48 - 49 - aaaand 50: how long do you usually let an idea fester in your mind before you're like, "okay, i'll write you down u little fucker"? ALSO IM AWARE THIS IS A LOT, LMAOOO

LDJF;KFGSKGF ADRI MY LOVE, MY WIFE, MY KNIGHT, MY SUN AND MOON, THANK YOU OMG, I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR A NOVEL OF AN ANSWER LMAO

5.     How much writing do you get done on an average day?

LMAO I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS CALCULATED PER HOUR just bc that’s how long my train ride is. So I can do about 400-500 words in 50~ minutes.anyway tbh, I write almost never, but when I do, I try to get around 1000 words done??? that’s usually when i lose steam too. (though i guess if i did 500 word spurts instead throughout the day, i’d get more done) (TO CLARIFY, the only reason it’s so much is bc i only write when I know /exactly/ what the scene is gonna be and im motivated. if u sat my ass down in front of a computer each day and told me to write, I’d probably only get 100 in two hours, less even.)

6.     Single or multiple POV?

I’m a multiple pov hoe. I’ve thought before of writing something in entirely one pov, but tbh i dont think i could do it if the thing is longer that a 2000 word one shot.

8.     Oldest WIP

I HAD TO PULL OUT MY USB FOR THIS GODDAMN

Okay so, my oldest wip ever, is an original story I started in, I think, 2011 and wrote throughout the year. It’s got about 22k words down, but tbh i dont think im ever gonna touch it again.fanfic-wise, my oldest wip is a harvest moon fanfic, that’s around 6k words i think? and i was planning on re-writing it bc i didnt like the characterization of one of the characters and i wanted to fix that, but it’s been like five years now, i dont think it’s ever gonna be done. (I still want to though). (and u can find said wip on my fanfiction.net account)

10.  Do you set yourself deadlines?

My guy, i’ve never set a deadline for myself in my entire life. I think I tried to do it once, and i completely let it pass by. (Though the fanfic i mentioned previously, im pretty sure i updated once a week before i fucked up)

15.  How do you deal with writer’s block?

I either set it aside (and never pick it up again lmao) and let it stew in the back of my mind until I get something else, oR I POWER THROUGH THIS MOTHERFUCKER, and I’ll probably only write 50 words and hate every single last one of them, but I got it done and it’s better than nothing and hopefully tomorrow i’ll actually have something. (also, sometimes when powering through, what i write ends up inspiring me and im like “oh of course!” and i blaze through it)

21.  Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write?in case u havent noticed yet, about 99% of all my characters are snarky to some degree. I need a character with a wry sense of humour, and I’ll usually stay in their pov a lot. The only other character “type” I have are the sunshine pure cinnamon rolls who care and love everyone. Oh, and I guess also the ones who are pissed and bitter at the world at large. (I should.... probably... try to get out of this comfort zone...)

25.  Favourite part of writing

okay tbh, my favourite part is when I’m winding down from a good writing session, and I just feel so proud and alive, because I was productive and I created something with my own two hands and mind, and there are very few things that are as incredible as that imo

27.  Favourite line/scene

okay so this was hard to pick??? not to mention it’s all crap you’ve seen before but whatever.

There’s this one:

“McCreewas abruptly reminded of when he was nothing more than a teen, snarling andfurious at everyone around him, not willing to trust anyone. And he wasreminded of Gabriel Reyes who stayed calm and collected in front of his fury,gently rebuking him when he crossed a line; who praised him when he did welland willingly trusted him to have his back even though McCree didn’t trust him;who seemed to quietly understand why McCree acted in certain ways, accepted it,but encouraged him to choose better. Gabriel Reyes, who had faith in him whenhe wasn’t even sure he liked himself.“

And this one:

“IfWash’s head was a ghost town, then the Meta’s was a fucking wasteland.

Butthe worst part wasn’t the scorched earth and completely lifeless landscape, norwas it the stormy brown clouds above. No, the worst part was the lava that wasslowly inching its way up the mountain. It bubbled and simmered an awful sicklyorange as it creeped up bit by bit, not fast at all, but inexorably to the topof the mountain, going against all laws of physics. It was so awfully wrongthat he honestly felt sick witnessing it. Not helping was the sizzles it madeas it burned through whatever little vegetation there was and (he had no ideawhy he knew this, maybe it was because he was connected to the Meta’s brain?),it felt like the lava was actually gouging the earth, opening cracks andseeping inside, corrupting and destroying what lay within.

Wasthe Meta even a person anymore?”

(I proooobably would’ve picked something from the tuckington au but.... a lot of my favourite stuff is dialogue, or snarky narration, and idk it’s hard to choose and there aint a lot of depth to it)

28.  Favourite side character

OKAY THERE’S THIS ONE SIDE CHARACTER IN ONE MY ORIGINAL STORY IDEAS WHOM I ADORE (even though he has no name yet lmao) BUT HE’S BASICALLY REALLY SWEET AND CARING AND HE’S TRYING HIS BEST TO BE HAPPY AND SUPPORTIVE FOR ALL HIS COMPANIONS BC THEY’RE ALL GOING THROUGH HARD TIMES, BUT IT’S REALLY HARD FOR HIM AND HE’S INWARDLY SUFFERING SO MUCH BUT HE KEEPS SMILING FOR PEOPLE ANYWAY AND FLDG;DKHGFKG I LOVE HIM

29.  Favourite villain

I’m... cheating for this, I’ve never written a villain ever actually (and tbh what the fuck??? how??? i have so many original story ideas and none of them are villains??? what the fuck (maybe the true villains were the friends we made along the way))

okay so, originally, this character was gonna be the villain alright. She was mean, cruel, snarky, cunning, and manipulative. But as time went on, and I started exploring her character, wondering why she was like this, what her goal is, and I changed and shifted the plot of the story around she... sort of... became the main character. woops.

30.  Favourite idea you haven’t started on yet

IM ONLY GONNA USE ORIGINAL STORIES FOR THIS BC HOLY SHIT

Honestly, I’d probably have to go with this idea I had of a living person picking up the scythe of a Grim Reaper and becoming one and having to learn the ropes of the job.

Okay, I lied, it might actually be this detective series idea I had, wherein the main character, a police officer, has to investigate cases that, for the most part, are reminiscent, or re-imagined versions, of Quebec folk tales, and she has to figure out why the fuck this is happening.

34.  What was the hardest scene you ever had to write?

FIGHTING AND ACTION SCENES I HATE THEM SO MUCH OH MY GOD THEY TAKE FOREVER AND I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE IM FUCKING THEM UP HORRIBLY I HATE THEM (I could give u a specific example, but i dont want to)

36.  Last sentence you wrote

“Shut up.”

(this is actually how chapter 2 of my tuckington high school au ends lmao and there’s nothing to gain from it have fun adri)

39.  Weirdest character concept you’ve ever had

OH SHIT I ACTUALLY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION, okay so the i have no clue where the idea came from, but for some reason i had this idea of a character who’s mental stability or whatever was linked to these bracelets she wore??? but it was more like she became more primal and animalistic the more bracelets were taken off until she lost all sense of identity, and i think it’s because she was being controlled or used by an organization or whatever. This was just a random idea that I had and okay i know it’s dark af, but it’s honestly the weirdest one. (tbh…. im not sure i have one that could be considered weird…)

45.  How much world building do you do?

all of it. just. all of it. I need to know clothes, food, architecture, cultural norms, the history of the world, how the fuck people can communicate when there are multiple countries and multiple languages, and this is why absolutely none of my original stuff has ever been written

47.  Best way to procrastinate

Day-dreaming scenes and ideas instead of writing them

48.  What’s the most self-insert character/scene you’ve ever written?

W O W ADRI U WANNA CALL ME OUT THAT BADLY HUH?

honestly it’s probably that main character/villain i mentioned previously, bc i just gave her all of my self-loathing and she was supposed to sacrifice herself heroically in the end and there was gonna be an entire speech about why she was the right person to do this. (if it makes u feel any better, I’ve modified it so she doesn’t actually die and everyone is like “wtf? NO!”)

also the protagonist in story, i just gave her my depression and general lostness in life. (most... of my characters... start off with a part of me I want to explore, but over time, as I flesh them out, they become their own people, and actually have nothing to do with me anymore tbh)

49.  Which character would you most want to be friends with, if they were real?

THAT SWEET CINNAMON ROLL I MENTIONED BEFORE OMG YES, I WOULD PROTECT HIM WITH MY LIFE

50: how long do you usually let an idea fester in your mind before you’re like, “okay, i’ll write you down u little fucker”?

*LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY* OH MAN ADRI U HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’VE JUST ASKED DO U OMG WAIT UNTIL U HEAR THIS

okay so u know that story with the cinnamon roll and main character/villain? The basic plot of that story has been in my brain since around 2011. I still haven’t started to write it. (though, to be fair, that story has changed so goddamn much since 2012 holy shit, and for the better tbh)

tbh adri, ur like 80% of my impulse control, and by that I mean you make me impulsive enough to actually write things instead of letting them ruminate in my brain forevermore. Hell, I’ve only started to get back into writing fanfiction because of you, okay, if u weren’t around I’d probably just give up on writing ever, and let the idea of being a novelist be nothing more but a fantasy i daydream about.

[aitian]

Oct 1 2019

Tuesday 11:35 pm

August was fine. I spent time with mom & dad & there were moments. I made pants w mom, mom gave me a nice bob cut, i went to wegmans to eat in the cafeteria w mom sometimes & adele at other times, i passed my drivers test & got my wisdom teeth pulled out, & i did not work on my book. I moved into college & nneka had a lot of friend drama and i felt like am imposter in the irc bc black women should be free in this space without me watching but also they believe in many of the evil col*mbia things i cant think good things abt. I began classes & had a scare when i wasn’t supposed to sign up for my grad student class but i interviewed during office hours & it was fine. i now think honestly i am one of the better students but the class is kinda a mess. so are my other classes. surprisingly cc is very good & i enjoy my prof.

September was less fine but we did it. aside from classes, i am feeling more and less in tough w my femininity. like i present with longer hair now but feel like my body is really awful for ppl to interpret still, and is end up wearing a hat every other day. Mom called me last night & told me she was back from china, my grandparents are fine for now probly, and jimmie/alice’s dad d*ed. I don’t rly know how to process this information but jimmie liked my instagram post last night. that’s so awful.

Some good memories:

- first day of lion dance practice i sweat so much & emma has such good skin they just glow on low plaza under the soft night lamps & i actually had a lot of fun moving around & being around emma & afterward we all went to get free gong cha & i got a mango slush w basil seeds bc i was like wow it’s paid for try smth fancy & i went to emilys woodbridge apt & Claire was there making pottery & emma was talking to them when i walked in & it was so pleasant to see them together and then emma also came to do pottery & we all sat together in claires big bedroom/living room at night & talked & i felt like a part of a rly nice warm family even tho everyone else is not that nice and warm feeling abt each other to some numbed extent bc of crushes & bad behavior & etc but i rly had such a good night

- i went to the ny art book fair with grace & we met emma there & looked at zines & claire came later & i was like wow these ppl who i don’t even know very well took time out of their day to b with me & then emma & i took the train back & i talked to emma abt anarchy & chinese folktales & daoism on the train ride back & also mia mingus on leaving evidence at some point but yea i rly liked sharing time with them on the ride back then i took a nap i shouldn’t have taken & left late to go to my first day of tutoring & ended up being 15 mins late bc the one train goes express on weekends but i stayed for 30 mins extra & got paid 100 for an hr!! i was standing in the elevator with two 50 dollar bills in my hand like??? what??? this is my life? rich ppl just have money to do whatever with ?????? also side note yesterday i taught her how to draw a circle given a center & radius without plotting a bunch of points from solving the equation 💩

- after the wow information session i went back home with em & we cooked noodles together & em told their roommates that there were so many leaks in the kitchen & they all came and gathered around a bundle of leeks on the cutting board & the wow info session had such good black sesame moon cakes bc they were home made & smth abt the freshness just makes them so 香 but yea it was so nice to talk to em & share some hugs & food & it rly reminded me of those times last yr when em randomly invited me over to eat noodles & take care of me & tbh that’s the only non-parent love that feels so real that i can cry

- today was so awful bc it’s a Tuesday & that means i have printmaking from 10-4 & then chinese avant-garde 4-6 plus mei from wow could only call me at 1 today out of all the times this week so i spent my lunch break doing that & another stressful thing was my oral presentation in the grad student class that i was rly not prepared for. so i wake up around 8:30 & try to finish the reading i want to present abt bc i wanna review & don’t come close to finishing & head off to class & i had spent 3 hrs in the print show the previous day preparing materials for this class that we didn’t even use so im making a stupid book & it’s so stupid & i eat a few of my dumplings i fried in the 10 mins before class started & can’t eat them bc i feel watched & pressure to read & pressure abt how i don’t know anything abt what to do in this art class & ppl helping always feels like ppl telling me I’m stupid & also im just feeling bad in my body. so i unsuccessfully make 1 book after two attempts & then it’s 11:30 & i give up & just sit down to read & restless reading & then i go to lunch meaning i come to my room to read & at this point im feeling suuper queasy like dry mouth, throat closing up, feeling like i wanna throw up so i do & there isn’t rly much to throw up & it’s 12:59 & i think abt throwing up some more but i rush to drink water instead & the call comes at 1:03 & i am so cheery & have nothing to say so i just say all the things abt me & then she asks if i have any questions & i talk abt how amazing em is as if that’s an answer but not before telling her u have to go to class so we say bye & i go to class & tomas isn’t there yet even tho he looked me in the eyes earlier in the day & said he wants to meet with all of us for crit & so i ask joanna if we will be learning anything Jew in the afternoon & she says no & she would go if she were sick so i just put my stuff away & go to my room to finish (sorta) reading & type up a script for my presentation & then i tell xinni im leaving class around 2:45 so we go to the heyman center & i finish writing my part of the thing & putting pictures in & she finishes hers & we go to class & our presentation goes very well & lydia helps question ppl for discussion too so it’s not that awkward & i ask lydia abt what is avant-garde if were talking abt capitalists selling colonial modernity & anarchists in the same sentence & she spends the last half our talking abt how movements should resist definitions bc those delineations of boundaries are not conducive to discourse & so class ends & now im shivering bc im sick & i come back to drink some nyquil yay & chat with my ra & then nneka swipes me in to the dining hall but shes w the ra chatting for too long in a line that’s too long so i leave & sit in bed with my food to take a 15 min nap & by some miracle i get up to talk to grace & kyoko abt a workshop for apia-u & then aaa meeting happens & its whatever & i come back to my room- pretty sad day right? but i look at my phone & see Emma has sent me a video out of the blue called i love eggs & it’s just a song saying i love u abt eggs thatturn into superheroes & planes & rainbows & etc & idk if this is a super gay proposal or sorts or just super gay friend things but i think i interpret it as both. Finally i got an email from em saying they would love to welcome me as a wow intern & im sorta guilty bc it somewhat feels like i tricked em into making this happen for me by being pitiful but that’s such an awful thing to think & mostly i am very excited to work with em & see em & go to Chinatown & be tender & goofy & also earn a bit of money?? but yes very very good day.