#idk too antisocial sometimes bc I don’t rlly. I never rlly invited my friends over or anything. I never felt safe at home (?) and I guess

[rat-slime]

I had a panic attack because I have to stay at my friends house because of the snow and I’m terrified of being a burden and I think I’m anxious about being a burden because :

My mom told me whenever I started hanging out with other kids to not be a burden and to take up after myself;

I’m here unannounced on a work night with all of my shit as if I planned this. In the past when things like this have happened I’ve been accused of planning this (situationship lol ofc) but. Id never do that or put someone out like that. my mom taught me an oz of prevention is worth a lb of cure and im not- like that?? i have too much anxiety about being a burden to purposefully BE one

but - I would never think it was a burden or an inconvenience even if it was if my friends were to be stuck at my house even if they work from home and have their work stuff. And I trust they’d tell me to leave or help me get out if it was rlly that big of a deal

I’m still scared it’s a facade and the other shoe will drop. He did this before he would hurt me; treat me with kindness and sweetness and then - tear me down. When I was leaving Springfield he told me I was kind and thoughtful and all sorts of nice things but. He also screamed at me and left me in a park and threatened to leave me at a gas station and grabbed my arms so hard at times. he told me we were exclusive and I said not without the label and he said I cheated on him bc we were exclusive and that was final. I did not consent to that. He told me I was a woman. I am not. He told me to think of who he is today and not hold onto all of the things [some of these things happened 3-6 years ago and some 2 yrs ago or less]

it’s the patterns and what they represent. It’s the signs and what they mean.

he said he knew me better than anyone but it was a projection of himself in some aspects. In others, it was a memory game; I hold trauma in my bones, muscles and tendons. my mind at times is a sieve.

what can I control:

My response and behaviours.

The space I inhabit and take up during this weird unprecedented weeknight stay

When I leave

What I cannot:

The weather being bad while I was out

The ice and snow on the road

Spoon and his shenanigans

My past; those days are already over my dear I can only change my internal response to be kinder.

any boundaries I can place that I haven’t?

be more mindful of the weather

Journalling about spoon instead of vocalising my strugs bc I’m still rlly recovering from a lot of the mean things he said and did

Reinforcing the thought and knowledge that. Your friends will tell you if there is an issue in a kind way unless they crash out and even then there is a common ground [and I can choose kindness to help find a solution! I do anyway but like especially here !! ]