#idk that whole experience in my last fandom left me with quite a bit to unpack to i'm probably overthinking things

[beechersnope]

tbh i have a weird fear of posting Too Much fic....who can relate

[irisbleufic]

The shade you’re throwing @ intersexist assholes in the tags on the IWTV story you finished today have me crying with laughter and also applauding, but I also feel mad on your behalf that something probably brought that on. Was someone a dick to you? It’s been a bad year for what y’all in the intersex community have had to put up with what with the Olympics, I can imagine :|

Hey, much appreciated, anon 💙 It has been a bad year for that, yeah. I’m not so much bent out of shape as annoyed about something that’s potentially intersexist in tone (see under the cut, where I try to pick it apart a bit) that I saw a while ago when I looked through the notes people have left on series-level Caldera bookmarks.

I sometimes forget that people leave annotations for themselves and others, and one in particular sort of made me blink and wonder who the fuck else might be reading and making themselves miserable by sticking around and reading content they could have so easily avoided and, you know, not bothered to bookmark? IDK, man, why not just bookmark the single story or stories you liked early on rather than bookmark the whole series to bitch about something the writer is examining at the intersection of gender identity and biological sex variations (especially when that’s something the writer reckoned with over time themself, and which plenty of other intersex people reckon with, too). Anyway, the weird AF note in question:

Like, I mean…okay? Thanks? Glad you liked a bunch of it, whatever that means, but gender identity and biological sex variations are running themes for half or more of stories in the series at this point, and not just for Armand (there are three characters for whom this is relevant, one of whom is canonically intersex in the novels, but whose portrayal has never quite sat well with me given the similarities to how intersex athletes are treated in the media—Petronia from Blackwood Farm; any other treatment of her/his/their monstrosity would’ve been brilliant, because, you know, fucking vampires, but it definitely crosses a line that plays into an awful stereotype). Getting back to Armand, though, the last sentence of this note is hilarious to me. In my stories, he doesn’t even change the pronouns he’s using even if, armed with new knowledge about himself, he’s also acknowledging a level of gender fluidity that he might not have been comfortable explicitly articulating and fully exploring before. I have a soft spot for writing about genderfluid/nonbinary characters who use he/him pronouns alongside the other ones I write about who tend to use they/them pronouns. There’s a relative lack of he/him gender-nonconforming characters in fiction, in my experience, so I have a few of those running around in fic across my fandoms. Given the fact that Armand’s pronouns haven’t changed here, this reader could pretty easily have just ignored everything else. I don’t even think Armand as I’m writing him is terribly offended by anyone who still calls him a man on days where he’s more masculine-presenting in the way he dresses, and there are still plenty of those. The bookmark comment feels sillier and sillier the more I dig into it through the lens of close reading my own text, and the discomfort feels a lot more like it’s down to the intersex theme than the gender identity theme even though the two are connected in the narrative.

If you find the existence of intersex people trying to work out their gender identity in fiction triggering, I regret to inform you that this is something that happens all the time in real life. And that you might hear about it, because we do talk about it. So, pro tip: heed the fic tags and consider not bitching about it where the author is going to see that and then just double down on being a thorn in your side, and anyone else’s who thinks like you, by writing even more about it.

[tenpintsof-sundrop]

sorry for dragging it on, but i saw your last post. (f the fandom lmao. it’s truly flawed and idk why people can’t keep thoughts to theirselves 🤦)

but i do have one question. did your experience ruin every character? like do you still like Elle, JJ, and Morgan? (the characters i personally consider to be a bit less oversaturated, or who i see much less posts about, and who are also my faves lol)

it's fine, I totally understand that people would have follow ups

no, my enjoyment of the other characters has not been ruined, but I still hesitate to rewatch the show and participate in the fandom because of my mixed feelings about the fandom as a whole.

I still reblog gifsets of JJ and Emily because I can still casually enjoy them, and I would reblog Morgan if I saw more gifsets of him in existence, but people don't gif him enough (if people have any good gifsets of him, please send them my way). I have a fic for Morgan in my drafts that I have been heavily considering finishing, but I haven't quite had the motivation to do so, and same thing with a MILF JJ fic that I drafted out a few weeks ago

I really wouldn't mind posting fics for those characters because they are way less popular and I feel like the crossover between the fans who only watch the show for Spencer (or even fans who don't watch the show at all and just thirst over MGG via tiktoks) and people who enjoy all the characters equally and would enjoy JJ fics and Morgan fics is not a venn diagram but two separate circles.

also, I have such an intense love for Gideon platonically. I feel like there is not nearly enough love and passion in the fandom for Gideon as a pillar character in the series, and I have mentioned it before - how I have a passion for collecting father figures from different series. John Kramer, Gideon, Dale from TWD (and yes, it's because my own father irl is so shit) - and Gideon is a character who truly warms my heart and gives me such a fondness and I would rewatch the show over and over again just for him

also on a side note, one of the biggest flaws of the fandom and one of the huge reasons I don't interact with the fandom and left - while on discussion of JJ and Morgan - is because of the treatment of characters aside from Spencer.

people ruthelessly hate JJ but uphold Emily, because most people believe that Emily is 'canonically' a lesbian, while JJ is in a main het relationship and she is a wife and mother - she gets endlessly criticised for 'choosing' Will over Emily (as if the network would have ever hosted a main queer relationship, and as if the homophobia of the network is the choice of a fucking fictional character to put that blame on), she gets criticised for spending too much time at work instead of being with her kids when one of her main storylines is about her physically fighting to save her child, and yet she's also criticised for being too soft and emotional when one of the best parts of her character is that her empathy as a mother brings a unique perspective to the cases? people act like she's cold and ruthless for not being with her children constantly, yet she's too emotional when she sympathizes with cases involving children???

(like is she a bad mother or not, please fucking decide)

also, I will never forget the post where someone said unironically that JJ 'ruined' Spencer's life by yelling at him one time, that she's a horrible friend to him, and that he loves Henry more than she does. thank you, I'm out

and not to mention how a skinny sickly looking beanpole like Reid and a crusty dusty geriatric liver spotted old man like Hotch get paraded around as if they are the hottest pieces of ass in the world and they have ten thousand fucking fics each and Morgan is suffering for CRUMBS while being the hottest man on the fucking show, and it is literally just because he's black. like the fandom will never say it out loud, but the white men get more attention from fangirls than he does because they are white

the fandom is flawed from the ground-up. and if I did ever finish and posts the fics I have in my drafts, idk if I would still be motivated to post that much about the fandom in general? especially because I am more into Teen Wolf right now because that's what I've been watching (which - I need to pick back up on it).

I do really like discussing the source material because it's something I've been involved with and enjoying for more than a decade now, so idk. if people sent me CM asks I might answer them, I might not. I like discussing and making meta about all the fandoms I'm in because I am fucking yappy in general

[sometimesrosy]

I miss The 100. I started watching it around the time the second or third season came out? It was also when I started using Twitter more and an amazing group of people that were both Bellarke and Clexa found me and invited me to a chat group that was all about the love for the show, fans of both pairings in there. I made so many friends there, I even met someone from my own country and went to meet them personally! But time went on, some people left, others caused drama, new people came in, but it was never the same. I was super close with two of them until one became a Clexa “extremist” and, lately, I fell out of touch with the one I considered my best friend. I haven’t fully watched the last season yet, not after I learned what they did to Clarke and Bellamy’s story and how they made them so OOC. I want to, just to finish it up as it was my favorite show, but at the same time, I want to keep only the essence that made it my favorite show in my head, nostalgia aside. I’m just really disappointed with what they did with an amazing show that, at the time, brought together people with different ships and that’s big stuff when it comes to twitter culture.

P.S. I haven’t watched Game of Throne’s last season either so I’m not sure how much my nostalgia is playing a part here with The 100.

I think you have a right to your disappointment. We put a lot of energy and passion into the show and the community and it was really vibrant for a while, and the story just...screwed us and the characters over.

And we can't even say it wasn't kinda personal because JR didn't like the fans, and responded to the harassment from some of them by screwing over all of us.

And I personally don't understand how you could betray your own story like that, but I guess it's different in Hollywood where you're always looking for your next gig.

I'm still not 100% certain JR wasn't bought off by right wing groups to crush hope out of certain demographics that loved the show and the characters. There's my conspiracy theory. The last season didn't make sense. Unless he thought he could get a new show by catering to the people who didn't like feminists or queer folk or delinquents becoming heroes and who did like nazis and thought they should be the protagonists. But don't worry, you'll be rewarded in alien 'heaven'-- except you, you crazy little bisexual rebel. You're not worthy of heaven.

Tell me to stop.

I don't blame you for not wanting to see the last season. While there were quite a few answers and a bit of stuff that was really satisfying-- mainly for anyone who wasn't Bellamy or Clarke-- as a whole the story fell apart.

I think you should skip it and read fanfic instead.

As for the community? IDK

I think one of the things about growing up is how you kind of lose the old communities you had. People move away. Find new interests. Have fights. Get busy. They fall apart.

It doesn't mean that they weren't amazing and important for what they are, and we can still hold them in our memories and honor them for what they meant to us in that time.

But it happens a lot. And I guess it's part of life. So is being disappointed by things that you put a lot of energy into which didn't turn out to be what you thought they'd be.

Again. It doesn't mean they weren't valuable for what they were. It doesn't mean you can't still love them. It doesn't mean you have to forget the good stuff because it went sour.

The experience of being in love with the show and the fandom is still valid. Heart break or no.

[toujourspur13]

The Black family / Walburga Black / canon.

As I said before I do not care that much about canon/fanon/headcanon because transformative works by definition include a wide variety of different interpretations. However, I am forever perplexed when I see uncompromising opinions on the Black family - particularly the unwavering certainty that Sirius Black’s parents were psychotic abusers. All personal opinions aside - why is this so popular?

I mean - it’s absolutely ok to headcanon this version and to play with it - but saying 'don’t you dare say they did not physically and emotionally abuse Sirius' is a little strong, isn’t it?

This is a mystery to me. So…let’s discuss my favourite subject…Again.

Let’s stick to the facts. The frequently cited things proving the abuse in the Black family are as follows:

Sirius said his parents were awful maniacs (pureblood ideology)

he ran away from home

he was severely depressed in OoTP

Kreacher

Portrait

So…when you say that Sirius’s parents were abusive…you mean exactly what? These people got cold feet when they saw the real nature of Voldemort - I guess it somehow implies that they did not share his methods…that they were against violence as a tool to get purebloods in charge.

But then it usually goes this way: ‘well at least he was verbally and emotionally abused by his family’ - but is it so? Is this based on the portrait of Sirius's mother? She insulted strangers who took over her house and her runaway son - how does this prove anything about how Sirius and Regulus were raised and treated when they were kids? I agree it’s rather impolite - jkr did a good job showing how purebloods perceived others ( those below them) -but in all honesty, this has very little to do with Sirius and his childhood.

Why to make Sirius a victim at all? - c’mon he was tougher than this, he spent 12 years in Azkaban; are you actually saying that a portrait throwing insults at everyone is worse? I doubt that. And is it such a surprise that a mother who lost her son (that said son actually ran away and abandoned his duty) would be that furious at him when seeing him again...even if it’s only a portrait...I believe it to be a rather unpleasant experience for a parent when a child runs away.

We already talked about the portrait a lot - I don’t even want to mention it here- - I feel we should rather pay more attention to the fact that Sirius himself was not an angel.

I am not saying the colourful vocabulary of Walburga Black should be used…but Sirius himself upon seeing Snape  immediately  recognised his weakness and went for it without any hesitation …we are talking about Sirius who in fact was quite a renowned bully ( I mean - we know for a fact that from time to time Sirius and James got carried away)…

And it was Sirius who sent Snape to meet and chat with a real werewolf (yes, I agree - he was not thinking this through - he probably was just vexed and fed up with Snape and thought he wouldn’t go there, would get cold feet or idk run away…But it actually changes nothing. If a drunken driver hits someone it will be 100% his fault whether he means it or not. Whether he is in a fragile mental state or not - such situations are definite. It’s the same with Sirius - even if he did not mean anything bad he should have understood the cost of his mistake - all teenagers make silly things but not all of them send their classmate to meet a werewolf - James thought it not a very good idea as I recall… -

So we see that Sirius was not an angel from the start and I can hardly believe he was a victim by nature. His behaviour loudly manifested that he used to get what he wanted with no thought of the consequences.

And all those pictures of bikini-clad girls on the walls in his room prove that he was quite a spoiled boy who had nothing to fear from mum and dad. Harry himself noticed «Sirius seemed to have gone out of his way to annoy his parents». All this shows that Sirius was not afraid of his parents at all. What kind of masochist would suffer for motorbike posters? That would be ridiculous.

Let’s move to Kreacher: If Sirius’s mother had been a monster why even mention her heart?  JKR wrote this for a purpose and this heavily implies that Sirius's situation was never meant to be ‘the abusive heartless parents vs the poor helpless victim’.  

The fact that Sirius ran away and hence broke his mother’s heart says against the popular idea that he was not loved by his family, that he was always the second one, that they abused him. I’m 100% certain that Kreacher told the truth in that scene. Why would he say something like this if it were not the truth - something like…that his beloved mistress having been so upset over Sirius running away that it broke her heart. Just tell me one reason that would have justified such a lie - why to say this at all?

Then this: “Leave?” Sirius smiled bitterly and ran a hand through his long, unkempt hair. “Because I hated the whole lot of them: my parents, with their pure-blood mania, convinced that to be a Black made you practically royal … my idiot brother, soft enough to believe them … that’s him.”…. “He was younger than me,” said Sirius, “and a much better son, as I was constantly reminded.”

I’ve already said it before - this ‘better son than me’ is exactly what insecure 14-year old kids like to say. Well...he’s a bit older but it’s not as if he had a life and a chance to mature. Moreover, I don’t know if it comes as a great shock but a lot of teenagers like to badmouth their parents…usually, it involves something like ‘those bloody uptight retrogrades know nothing of the real world’ (it fades away when they get closer to thirty).

To be serious, I find that it’s just another example of similarities between Sirius and his mother. They clearly did not know what it means to be composed, polite, and respectful. Yeah…I think that, on the whole, parents are owed their children’s respect (unless they are completely inadequate - somehow I don’t believe this was the case). Someone should teach both of them what mutual respect means. Anyway, there is nothing in this quote that says that Sirius was subjected to any forms of abuse - it’s about how Sirius justified his running away,  how he saw the situation.

There’s also the fact that Sirius was incredibly unhappy because he was back at his childhood home and having to spend time around anything that reminded him of his family: “Hasn’t anyone told you? This was my parents’ house,” said Sirius. “But I’m the last Black left, so it’s mine now. I offered it to Dumbledore for headquarters — about the only useful thing I’ve been able to do.” Harry, who had expected a better welcome, noted how hard and bitter Sirius’s voice sounded”.

Here it comes…the severe depression that makes people question the severity of his abuse… I have thought a lot about this because it is the reason why some consider ‘the abusive blacks' canon while others believe it was more of a tragedy of the family rather than the banal brutality.

Of course, Sirius was upset in that house - but I don’t think he suffered the memories of his unhappy childhood - I think he suffered from the strong feeling of guilt. Being in that house meant an everyday reminder that he was a failure. And it’s not even a lie. If you look at his whole life you’ll see that he literally failed everyone in his life: he failed James and Lily - they were dead and he unwillingly became the reason. It was his plan that turned everything into a tragedy.

And, to some extent, he failed Harry- he was not around him like James and Lily would have wanted. Sirius did not give him the real family - he only promised they'd be the one «when it’s all over».

And finally - he failed his parents, his brother, his own family.

Is it possible to live with so much guilt in your heart?

I don't think that Sirius completely forgot who he was born to be. If the family keeps traditions and can trace its existence back in centuries you can't shake it off even if you want. I doubt Sirius switched it off just because he had griffindor friends. He was the last Black - it is tragically poetic that he was once the hope of his family and then this family died with him. If Sirius had heart (and I truly believe he had a heart) he knew exactly what it meant to be trapped in the house that represented the death of his family. A constant reminder  that he was the last one.  

“The others’ hushed voices were giving Harry an odd feeling of foreboding; it was as though they had just entered the house of a dying person”. 

I think that the scene when he threw his father's ring away - he threw it away because it was all over for his family. It was the end of the dynasty - and for him it was all over long before he met Bellatrix for the last time.

Well, I admit Sirius' situation is open for wide interpretation but I don’t think the abusive black household is a canon thing - of course, it’s fanon. It makes Sirius a hero who broke the chains when in fact he ended up being a victim of his own life.

You know, it always seems strange to me that fandom when discussing Walburga usually overlooks the simple truth of life - that even if you are clever enough and mean good for your loved ones it is still possible to end up on the losing side, on the dark side.  However, mistakes don't automatically turn humans into monsters.

To some extent Sirius’s story represents the consequences of war.  No-one is protected; the whole families could be wiped off the face of the earth. It’s a simple yet profound idea. It correlates with the main idea of hp books far better than the ‘abusive psychopaths’ (there are already Voldemort and Bellatrix - there is no-one who can beat them in this department).

All I say - it’s okay to imagine them bad if you want- your right - but don’t write everywhere that it’s canon because it is not.There is no need for such inflexibility especially when it comes to the fandom - a place where everyone should be welcomed and their views on the books be respected.

[veliseraptor]

Hey just wondering, do you have any draft or work in process or any plan for your next Loki fic? If so can you give us a little sneak peek. Or if you don’t, do you think you’ll write more about him in the future? I know you probably get this a lot and I’m sorry if it’s annoying or if it sounds rude or anything. I’m just wondering and also I’ve been binge reading your stories about him and got addicted so there’s that. But seriously I’m sorry if my message comes off as rude or annoying, that’s not my intention. Anyway hope you’re having an amazing day

I genuinely hate to sound like a broken record, anon, since you are being very polite about this! Which I very much appreciate! But the answer remains more or less the same: I don’t know. I have (counts) 38 different Loki-related WIPs in various stages of completion sitting on my hard drive. I haven’t been working on them actively lately because, to the dismay I’m sure of many of my followers, another fandom has devoured me whole. I’m really enjoying the experience, but it has left me with relatively little brainspace for things that aren’t that thing (or, I guess, other danmei novels and adaptations thereof?? idk okay). 

At some point I would like to finish at least some of those stories, because I do not like leaving things unfinished. But I just don’t know when - or if! - I will. It just depends on if I get that emotional investment back. At the moment it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen imminently, but who knows. And maybe I’ll go back and reread what I have written of some of these, go “where’s the rest, op” and feel encouraged to write more.

All that being said - since you were so nice about this, I will give you a (3000 word) excerpt from one of the WIPs - Dead Superheroes Walking, which is the one about the characters who died/were dusted in Infinity War on a road trip through the Soul Stone.

---

“Anyone for a game of twenty questions?” Sam asked, after they’d been walking for maybe ten minutes.

“Really?” Bucky said. “Twenty questions?”

“I don’t think ‘I Spy’ would work too well. Not a lot of interesting landmarks. Or hadn’t you noticed that the landscape keeps repeating?”

“I am Groot,” said Groot.

“And I have no idea what that means,” Sam said.

Sam was right, Wanda realized. The landscape was repeating. It wasn’t obvious, at first, but there was only one tree, over and over; only one rock placed near to it. The sky was a flat and even orange.

A faint shiver ran down Wanda’s spine. Bucky stopped, though, visibly disconcerted.

“What the hell is this place,” he said.

“Does it matter?” Sam asked. “We’re not exactly going anywhere else. All right, I’ve got it. Twenty questions, yes or no answers only.”

“I am Groot?” said Groot. Sam eyed him.

“I’m not going to take that off the count,” he said.

“Is it alive?” T’Challa asked.

“Yep,” Sam said.

“Guess that rules us out,” Bucky said. Sam snorted, and T’Challa cracked a small smile. Wanda stared down at a small, triangular rock in front of her feet.

“All right,” Bucky said. “Is it an animal?”

“Yes. Two questions down. Wanda?”

She bent down and picked up the rock. It left red dust on her fingers, and when she pressed her fingers together it crumbled like chalk. She half expected the dust to vanish, but the red stain on her fingertips stayed.

“Wanda?” Sam said, more gently.

“Sorry,” she said. “Is it a person?”

“Nope,” Sam said. “That’s three.”

She wiped her hand off on her clothes. This place wasn’t right - she could feel it in her bones, deep down where her magic ought to be. But nothing had been right in the last few days. Very few things in Wanda’s life had been right. Why should her death be any different?

It only seemed unfair that the others should be here, too.

They sky did not change, but they stopped walking eventually - less because any of them were actually tired than because it seemed like they should. Or maybe because they were tired of walking and wanted some change, even if there was very little change to be had. The road went on. The landscape didn’t alter.

And no one else appeared.

“It can’t just be us,” Sam said. “Other people died. Where are they?”

Nobody had an answer for him, unless the tree’s “I am Groot” was an answer none of them could understand. Wanda thought it might be something to do with the fact that they’d all died when Thanos had snapped his fingers, but she stayed quiet, staring off at the horizon and only half listening to Bucky and Sam going back and forth at each other.

“I see something,” T’Challa said abruptly. They all turned and followed the line of his arm.

“I can’t see anything,” Sam said.

“Give it a sec,” Bucky said. “He’s probably got a hundred extra yards visibility on me. Maybe 150 on you–”

“I am Groot,” Groot said. Wanda strained her eyes, some part of her wishing - hoping–

“Is that a dog?” Sam said.

A moment later Wanda saw it too, and slumped. It did look like a dog padding towards them - or at least, it certainly wasn’t a person.

“That’s not a dog,” T’Challa said.

“Fox, I think,” Bucky said. “What the fuck is a fox doing here?”

“I don’t think it’s a fox, either,” T’Challa said. He shifted, like he was thinking about getting into a fighting stance. Wanda stepped forward, reaching for her powers, but nothing was there.

What would be the point, anyway? You can only die once.

The fox - and it was a fox, Wanda could see that now, though black instead of red - slowed as it began to draw closer. It sat down, still a ways away, and cocked its head, looking at them.

“This is weird,” Sam said. T’Challa was still frowning.

“What is it?” Bucky asked him. T’Challa shook his head.

“I’m not certain.”

The fox stood, stretched, and changed, unfolding into a person. Wanda sucked in a breath, staring at the man now walking toward them: dark-haired, pale, lean and taller than Bucky or T’Challa. A vague sense of familiarity nagged at her, but she couldn’t say from where.

The man stopped, still several paces from them, and cocked his head just as the fox had. “Well,” he said, a faint rasp in his voice. “This is new.”

Wanda stared at him, trying to remember where she recognized him from. “New?”

“Yes,” he said. “I wasn’t expecting anyone else. But then, this time is different.”

“Wait,” Sam said abruptly. “Shit. Are you-”

“Mm,” he said, still looking at Wanda. T’Challa’s eyes were narrowed, too, and Sam’s. Bucky looked blankly at them both.

“What?”

“It’s always nice to be recognized,” the stranger said dryly.

“Loki,” Sam said. “That’s fucking Loki. Right?” Wanda’s eyes widened, but he - Loki - just shrugged one shoulder.

“So I am. Or was. I’m not certain of the appropriate tense.” His gaze swept across them, indifferent, disinterested.

“You’re dead, too,” Wanda said. Loki glanced at her, eyes focusing briefly before they slid back into dullness. No, exhaustion.

“Or something,” he said.

“‘Or something?’” Sam said. Loki’s eyes flicked in his direction.

“This doesn’t feel like death,” he said, “but I remember the feeling of my neck breaking in Thanos’s hand fairly clearly, so…” Wanda flinched, and she thought she saw Sam’s eye twitch. She remembered Thor coming roaring down from the sky, thunder and lightning in his voice, and understood. She looked down.

“What do you mean that this doesn’t feel like death,” T’Challa said into the silence.

“I know a little of what death tastes like,” Loki said after a moment. “This isn’t it.”

“What does that mean,” Bucky said, looking agitated and uncertain.

“I am Groot,” said Groot, and Loki glanced at him, something briefly flashing across his expression before it was gone. Pain, Wanda thought.

“Not entirely accurate,” he said, “but not entirely inaccurate, either.” There was a brief pause.

“You can understand him?” Bucky said. Loki shrugged again. “What did he say?”

“It’s irrelevant.” Loki’s eyes moved back to Wanda. “I suppose it’s too much to hope that you were simply the high cost of victory?” Wanda looked down, somehow feeling ashamed of her failure. Loki let out a quiet huff. “Pity.”

Bucky, oddly, snorted.

“Thanos gained all of the Infinity Stones,” T’Challa said. “Then…” He trailed off. “I am not entirely certain what happened then.”

Loki made a sort of hm noise, glancing at T’Challa sidelong. “So you didn’t die in battle,” he said.

“If so, I do not remember it,” T’Challa said.

“I am Groot,” Groot said to Loki, whose head swiveled violently toward him, eyes sharpening.

“Gamora,” he said, and there was a wealth of hatred and fear in that word. “You are a companion of hers?”

“I am Groot,” Groot said emphatically, and Loki blinked, then pressed his lips together and exhaled in a short burst.

“I suppose it doesn’t matter now.”

“Can you maybe translate what he’s saying,” Bucky said irritably. “Since all the rest of us can hear is the same three words over and over.”

“He says that Gamora claimed Thanos meant to use the completed Gauntlet to halve all life in the universe,” Loki said. “If you know that he achieved his goal, then presumably you were part of the unlucky half. Though that does not explain why you are here. Or else does not explain why I am.”

“And who’s Gamora,” Sam said, with such exaggerated patience that it demonstrated anything but.

“An old acquaintance,” Loki said. He sounded distracted.

“I am Groot,” Groot said, and this time Wanda could hear the near pride in his voice. Loki didn’t respond. He was scanning their number again, Wanda realized, more closely.

She bit her lip, then raised her voice and said, “Thor’s alive.” His gaze snapped to her, and she made herself hold it though her instinct was to look down. “At least, he was when I...he drove an axe into Thanos’s chest. It didn’t work, it was too late, but…” She trailed off.

Loki glanced down, his eyes half closing, and Wanda thought she caught a brief flicker at the corner of his mouth, not quite a smile, and a barely audible, “ah, Thor.” Then his eyes were back on hers and he said simply, “thank you for informing me,” with a lack of feeling that made Wanda frown.

“You haven’t asked who any of us are,” Bucky said.

“So I have not,” Loki said. “I am not certain it is precisely relevant.”

“Excuse you,” Sam said. Loki glanced at him, that tired indifference returning.

“I approached because I was curious. I wasn’t intending to stay, nor would I think you were inclined to encourage it.”

T’Challa was studying Loki with curious intensity. “Were you going somewhere?”

“No,” Loki said, and then paused and adjusted, “perhaps.”

“I am Groot?” Groot said, and Loki’s lips pressed briefly together.

“It means perhaps. And don’t be crude.”

“I’m with him,” Sam said. “What does perhaps mean?” Loki looked briefly annoyed, and Sam said, “come on. We’re all dead here. Or - not. Which still begs the question as far as I’m concerned of what we are.”

Loki’s eyes went back to her, and Wanda shifted. “What?” She asked. “Why do you keep looking at me?”

“You haven’t noticed anything strange, then?” He asked. “Felt anything?”

Too many things, Wanda thought, but she didn’t think that was what he meant, and now they were all looking at her. Wanda hesitated.

“I don’t have my powers,” she said slowly. Loki made a derisive noise.

“Of course you don’t,” he said. “Do you need them to sense what’s around you? Midgardian magicians. Norns.”

Wanda glared at him, but took a breath and tried to turn inward, like she was going to use her power. It still wasn’t there, but this time, without distractions…

She jerked and saw a satisfied glint in Loki’s eyes, just for an instant. “There,” he said.

“Wanda, what is it?” Sam asked, looking suspiciously at Loki.

“I don’t know,” she said. “But it feels like…” She searched for the right words. “Like a heartbeat,” she said finally, even if that wasn’t quite right.

Bucky’s expression was a mixture of horror and alarm. “A heartbeat?”

“So that’s what it feels like to you,” Loki said thoughtfully. He seemed more engaged now than he had been at first, and somehow even though it shouldn’t matter that felt like a good thing. Maybe because nothing else was.

“It’s not actually,” Wanda said quickly. “That’s just sort of what it feels like - to me, anyway. It’s...different for you?”

Loki shrugged. T’Challa shifted.

“I know what she means,” he said. “Though I wouldn’t have described it like that. But there is...something.”

“Interesting,” Loki said, glancing at T’Challa and looking him over with slightly more interest. “To answer your implied question, I would call it a...resonance.”

“A resonance with what,” Sam asked.

“If I knew that, I wouldn’t be bothering to talk to you,” Loki said. “But partly it is that which makes me think this is something other than simple death.”

“What is there other than ��simple death,’” Bucky said tightly.

“That is the question, isn’t it,” Loki said. “Maybe nothing. Maybe I am wrong. But if I am not…”

“If you’re not, what,” Bucky said, even tighter.

“Then it begs the question of why, doesn’t it?” Loki rolled his neck in a slow circle, and Wanda could have sworn she heard something crack. “At least, such was my thought. But maybe it is just desperation.”

He didn’t sound desperate. He didn’t sound much of anything.

“Why not stay with us,” Wanda said abruptly. Everyone else turned to stare at her, Loki included, and she straightened, turning toward her friends. “I mean it,” she said. “Why not? We’re all here together. And if he’s right and there’s a why, a reason...wouldn’t it suggest that’s true for all of us, including him?” She paused, and added, “and besides - what can he do to us, anyway?”

Loki barked a laugh. “That is a fair point,” he murmured.

“How do we know this isn’t some kind of trick?” T’Challa asked, his eyes narrowed.

“You don’t,” Loki said. “But I will say that you vastly overestimate my interest in you. Well, the majority of you. And your witch has a point: what is it you think I will do?”

“I don’t know,” T’Challa said. “That’s what worries me.”

“And ‘our witch’ has a name,” Sam said a little sourly.

Loki shrugged. “As you will. It makes little difference to me.” He moved around them and started to walk away.

“I am Groot,” Groot muttered, and strode after him, long tree-legs catching up in a few strides. “I am Groot?” He said to Loki, who checked himself and looked at him, his face tightening.

“Was, yes,” he said. “Why?”

“I am Groot,” Groot said definitively, and Loki shook his head.

“Call back your child,” he said, with a sharp gesture at Groot.

“Child?” Sam said, eyebrows shooting up.

“He’s an adolescent Flora Colossus,” Loki said, as though it were obvious. “And he is not following me. I don’t care who you were friends with.”

Thor, Wanda thought. Groot didn’t know any of them, but he’d known Thor, at least a little, and Loki was Thor’s brother, and Groot was, apparently, a teenager, among strangers who couldn’t understand him, who had just died.

Wanda’s chest ached. “If he wants to,” she said, “I don’t see why he shouldn’t.”

“I’m not interested in playing nursemaid–”

“I am Groot,” Groot said, and Loki gave him a hard look.

“No, you are not,” he said. “I’ve met grown Flora Colossi and you aren’t it. You’re barely more than a sapling. Maybe - what, four years old?”

“You know what,” Bucky said, “I’m with Wanda, actually. And the, uh...Groot. This place is weird. I think we should stick together, and it seems like he knows more about this place than any of the rest of us do.” His eyes settled on Loki. “And it’s not like we have a whole lot to lose, right now.”

Sam gave Bucky a long, skeptical look and then glanced at T’Challa, who shrugged.

“You assume I am interested in putting up with the lot of you,” Loki said flatly. He looked tense, Wanda thought. Like he was expecting some kind of trap. Wanda tried to summon a smile.

“You said you came over because you were curious,” she said. “And if you’re right, and there is some reason we’re all here...isn’t that something else to be curious about?”

“I am Groot,” said Groot, and Loki glanced at him, jaw twitching.

“I’m dead, you twig,” he said. “If not now, then probably soon. And if I did need protecting, you wouldn’t be much help.”

Bucky snorted, poorly muffled. Wanda bit her lip so she didn’t smile. Groot’s expression was hard for her to read, but it looked to her eyes like a glare.

Loki exhaled loudly and looked away. “Fine,” he said. “If you are inclined...I suppose there’s no harm in traveling adjacently.”

“Traveling where?” Sam asked. “You make it sound like you have an actual destination.”

“I have a...feeling,” Loki said, though something about the brief pause before he spoke made Wanda think there was something he wasn’t saying. The question was if it was important or not. “No more than that.”

“Well,” T’Challa said after a few moments of hesitation, “that is more than I have, at the moment. And so far as I know we weren’t going anywhere in particular, so…”

“I guess that settles it,” Wanda said. Loki eyed her like he suspected her of having some ulterior motive. She decided to pretend not to notice. “So which way are we going?”

[mc-critical]

hey, welcome back! hope your exams and stuff went well, and that you're doing fine now.

i wanted to hear your opinion on nigar hatun. i remember seeing one post of yours in which you said that she wasn't a favourite of yours like you favoured other characters and honestly, same. i didn't really much understand the fascination with her. she was an interesting character, but i can't imagine having her as a favourite when there are so many more characters who are far more interesting. i wish they gave her an alternate arc. idk what it could be, i'd like to hear your opinion on it. one alternative ending i came up for her is that she was extremely angry at ibrahim for toying with her and hatice for keeping her sweet little esmanur from her so she joins hurrem to defeat them? which hurrem did try but it didn't really go anywhere and nigar was against hurrem for killing ibrahim which just was kinda frustrating. they literally give hurrem no ally in the harem [except mihrimah later on but mihri is overall varying in terms of power] so it would be good for her to have some support in the harem from people who actually hated her enemies like her. she had actual political support from iskender celebi, rustem, and ayaz pasha and all, sure, but she didn't have much support in the harem, like all powerful women of the harem were against her. nigar obviously wasn't powerful like a sultan but she was an old member of the harem, was respected and even though she kinda lost her dignity with the scandal, she could've regained it with hurrem's help. sumbul was there later on but he was just a very faithful servant and didn't really have any real motive to harm any of hurrem's enemies except for out of his loyalty whilst nigar could've cultivated a hatred for hatice and ibrahim. this is a basic plot but i would've kinda liked seeing it. there can be many more ways her character could've ended but it would be good seeing a woman who didn't bow to her feelings all the time. the sultanas couldn't really control their feelings when it came to love because they were princesses who were used to getting what they wanted most of the time but nigar was a servant who also suffered the hardships of slavery and it obviously would've made her tougher as a person so she could control her feelings better; idk, i feel like this is an aspect of women they could've explored [or if they did explore it, i don't remember it lol my memory lapses a lot so i don't remember the show 100%] anyway, would like to hear your thoughts on nigar. thank you. welcome back again <3

Thank you! <33 Yup, I'm fine and the exams went well. Happy Pride month to you, too! 🏳️‍🌈

Hehe, I wrote that post years ago and while Nigar still isn't one of my absolute favourite characters, I've warmed up to her quite a bit. And honestly, now with the wider experience in the fandom, I can say that she isn't all that loved as it looks like. I then was under the limited wrong impression that the BG Mamma forum was a metric of all the popular opinions and yes, they loved Nigar a lot and I was sometimes confused as to why, but really, that and the Russian fanbase are the only places I have encountered that appreciate her all that much. There are characters I find more interesting than her, that's for sure, but she has her charm and I'm firmly against people reducing her to "evil" or "manipulative" or "weak after she fell in love with Ibrahim", so forth.

The thing she sets her first impression with is her intelligence caused by her relatively high experience in the harem. The advice she gave to Hürrem opened the path to her whole goal (as she herself acknowledged in E41) and that makes for quite an impact for a more recurring character. Despite of this, I never viewed early Nigar as someone taking an open side, hence I didn't find her supposed betrayal to Hürrem surprising in the slightest: she is also trying to survive in this environment in any way she knows how and she can't really find a fully comfortable position, because she is well aware that everyone is thinking for their own gain in the end. Including her. So the only choice she has left is to direct herself to where the wind is blowing and get advantages for herself once she gets the chance. Because all the experience has taught her to repress her feelings (E10 to Hürrem: "In this castle you can't show weakness."), opt to be the more level-headed person and seek for the more pragmatic solutions.

And yet she is very sensitive and perceptive to people that are different than the others or that are in need and is willing to lend them her hand. She adviced and helped Hürrem because she found potential in her, because she wanted to see her succeed, but not through endangering her own self or other people in the process (she told Hürrem that her game had gone too far again in E41), but through negotiation, compromise and adaption, to know when to start and when to stop and be respectful to those above her, no matter how hard or limiting that may look in Hürrem's eyes. Hürrem had the tendency in viewing every sign of support that came to her as granted, she still had that naive part of innocence in her in S01 and early on was in a desparate need of someone to lean on and unconditionally follow her path, that's why when Nigar diverted from that path, it hurt and took her a while to start trusting her again. But I didn't see Nigar as all that attached to Hürrem as Hürrem herself thought she was, especially with how Nigar became stuck between two sultanas later in S01 and that rendered her lost and more insecure than usual.

That's also why I don't view her as a two-faced or hypocritical double-crosser. Because for the longest time, Nigar was the one character in the series before Rüstem appeared that was clearly thinking about her own benefit and survival first and foremost from the beginning when darting between the powerful people in the harem and was the one well aware that she simply can't cling to a single side in her own position. Positions aren't permanent and can always change in such circumstances, so why can't she take advantage of this? Because who cares as much about the feelings for a Kalfa they can still order around after all? She has faced disregard from Mahidevran, Hürrem, Ibrahim and even Hatice. It is pretty understandable that she's going to seek the best opportunity for herself.

That whole facade breaks when she falls in love with Ibrahim. During rewatch, I found myself to have a soft spot for this character deconstruction, especially in S02. I know that it came to pass because of her falling in love with a man that doesn't share the same feelings and there were moments where it looked like she overdid it, even in S02, but for me, the whole thing nicely added a new layer of depth, while still feeling true to Nigar's character. Her future relationship with Ibrahim had been building up back in S01, when Ibrahim (both inadvertently and not I fully believe) played a part in helping her solve the first internal conflict she had (that is the struggle between the two sultanas). Maybe this didn't mean that much to Ibrahim, maybe he was simply trying to be helpful, but it meant a lot to Nigar - that was probably the first time someone seemed to take her feelings into account and actually listen when she couldn't help, but crack under the pressure. So it is only natural that she would search for this source of comfort once again, being ready to face every risk in the process. When she is appointed to Hatice and Ibrahim's castle, when she's practically left alone with Ibrahim, she decides to take that chance, to taste the forbidden fruit. He gave her something she never received and due to her not allowing herself to show weakness and having to cave to everyone else's demands before that, every ounce of affection Ibrahim shows her, it means the world to her. Thus she begins to idealize what she has with him, to the point of denial and delusion, and centers her loyalty completely on him. But that loyalty never seems to falter.  She began to resent and/or hate everyone who could possibly stand in Ibrahim's way, something she wouldn't have ever done before. She keeps her level-headed self and intelligence (I don't think that this plot line reduced it in any way, not even when she was at her worst.) and she's ready to take any opportunity for herself (case in point: her marriage with Rüstem.), but now her softer sides and her wish for affection are showing all the more.

The problem I have with Nigar's character, writing-wise, and now that I think about it, the main subject of why I didn't get the deal with her back then (along with considering her S01 self bland.. somehow?), is her S03B characterization. While her falling in love with Ibrahim plot-line became an important part of S02 Nigar's storyline, I don't think it overshadowed or dominated over her other characteristics, making for a neat balance of traits and an interesting, nuanced character. In an attempt to keep her for longest time possible in the story, S03B flanderized her in every possible way and overexaggerated her biggest strengths and flaws until they became stale and unbelievable. Her love for Ibrahim read as а near obsession narratively and her opportunism coupled with her will for revenge, which put her into many repetitive intrigues. At one point I even felt she was reduced to a plot-device (the moment Şah Sultan appointed her as a spy) and she felt a little too purposeless and to have totally outstayed her welcome until her last moment in the series.

The root of this problem is again, that they just didn't know when to stop with Nigar. To be brutally honest, she had no long-term role left to play after Ibrahim's death and it was time for the writers to let her go and maintain her generally strong characterization. The ending I would've chosen for her is to simply have Matrakcı give her Esmanur's location and for her to live with her daughter in piece. I know that because of the tonal shift, the show seemed to be already inclined that everyone had to have a tragic ending of sorts, to underline the growing ruthlessness and cruelty of the themes, but I fully believe that Nigar was one of the only characters that were terribly forced through their tragic endings. She didn't need, nor deserve a tragic ending and I doubt it would've been such a problem for the half-season if she didn't get one. I find a happier ending to be perfectly fine for Nigar and I would've loved to see it, if only for a freshness in ideas for character endings. I loved her Esmanur storyline and to witness her finding happiness with her, the only solace she had left, would have been a great wrap up of her S03 plots and an amazing send-off to Nigar's character.

I appreciate the thought you have put into your ending for her and to be fair, your proposal would be much better than anything S03B gave us. It would nearly correspond with the revenge plot of hers they were going for and it would be something more original at the same time. Hürrem's principal lack of allies doesn't bother me as a fact alone, because all her enemies have understandable reasons to be against her, but what bothers me however, is when the writers try using it to dumb her enemies down and make them doom themselves through their own failings or outright use it to put forced (often soapy) conflicts to make the audience sympathize with Hürrem. Or to make everyone "mistitle" her (is that a word? probably not.) or disrespect her on purpose again for sympathy points (that go beyond the part of her motivation that wants to feel respected and does stuff out of fear not to fall under a less favorable position once again.), without changing the status-quo until say, S04.

It is so deliberate it becomes annoying and seeing something else for a change... honestly, gimme! While I personally prefer a happy ending for Nigar, I would live for Nigar and Hürrem to work together again, while keeping what's become her central motivation intact. It may seem a little OOC for Nigar to work for Hürrem by that point, because she's channeled her loss of the most precious people into rage on those that have taken them away, but it would be a decent shifting of gears and a reverence to her opportunism to work to eradicate those she hates for good, even if it means doing so with one of your bigger enemies. After all, after the mission is fulfilled, she could still work against Hürrem in some way, right?

[Tell me if I got what you meant wrongly, but there is an example of a dynasty sultana putting her love feelings behind and by that I mean Şah Sultan. Her love is in the past by the point she arrived in the castle and her love for Ibrahim is only used as a conflict between her and Hatice, which they get over relatively quick. Sisterly love and ambition are a much bigger priority of Şah's: she cared about Hatice past any resentment she may have harbored over the years and agreed to share her life with Lütfi for the advantage this may bring, even though she didn't love him at all. She divorced him only when he offended the pride of a woman and her own personal pride. Other than that, we indeed didn't have a female character in MC that puts her feelings behind in design as far as I recall, only ones that end up clinging to them completely like Nigar here or ones that let go of them eventually like Mahidevran. Characters that have this design by default are more present in MCK like Safiye, or Turhan, or especially Gülbahar, but as I've said many times, MCK is more ruthless, while MC is more about the personal feelings of the characters, hence every motivation they have is somehow tied to them.]

[set-phasers-to-whump]

camping trip

prompt: camping

whumpee: nick burkhardt

fandom: grimm

hi! welcome to this fic :) i feel like it is a little different from my usual stuff but idk how exactly so you just have to read to find out! hope you enjoy :)

It’s a little after six-thirty when they finish making camp. The tent is...standing (nothing much else can be said for it), and inside it the sleeping bags are carefully arranged. A cooler and tote of food sit by one end of the picnic table, atop which is a small folding stove and a propane lantern. Four folding chairs form a sort of circle around the firepit, which is currently devoid of fire. 

“I’ll go find us some firewood,” Nick decides. Thus far he has felt less than useful - apparently, he’s the only one of the group - Hank, Monroe, Rosalee, and himself - that’s never been camping, and consequently the only one who knows absolutely nothing about how to set up a campsite. He would like to do something useful tonight, at least. 

“Don’t bring back anything that’s -”

“Wet, I know.”

“Just making sure,” Monroe says, raising his hands in surrender. “You want someone to come with you so you don’t have to carry a ton of wood all the way back here?”

Nick shakes his head. “I got it,” he insists with a smile. “Really.”

“Have fun,” Hank calls over his shoulder from where he’s digging through the food tote. “Once you get back, we’ll start dinner.”

With the promise of Hank’s mediocre spaghetti to sustain him, Nick heads out into the woods behind their campsite, scanning the ground for any pieces of wood that look like they could be useful. He picks up a couple and ventures deeper into the forest, until he finds himself looking down the slope of a small hill. About halfway down it are several logs that look perfect, and Nick decides it’ll be worth the climb back up to get them. He leaves the wood currently in his arms at the top of the hill and begins walking down.

The hill is covered with various plants, and several of them have thorns which keep catching on Nick’s clothes. More than once he debates turning around to avoid going through any more of them, but he reasons that he’s already on his way down and already has several thorns sticking out of his clothes. Might as well make this little trip worth it. 

He’s close now. He pulls away from an especially prickly vine, yanking the leg of his pants out of the grip of its thorns, and he must pull too hard, because suddenly his legs aren’t where they’re supposed to be and he’s losing his balance and he sticks out a hand to break his fall but he’s on an incline and one hand isn’t enough to stop his momentum. He rolls down the hill and can do nothing to stop it. 

It’s one of the most confusing experiences of his life. One moment he’s just stumbling, sure that he’s about to catch himself, and the next, he’s tumbling painfully downwards, thorns and pinecones and twigs poking at him and catching on him and hurting, and the movement itself is hurting, slamming every part of his body into the hillside, and it’s making him dizzy and - 

And then he’s stopped, breath momentarily knocked out of his lungs. It takes a moment for the sky above him to stop spinning, and when it does, Nick realizes that he must be at the bottom of the hill. His whole body hurts, and anywhere where he’d had exposed skin stings, and he can feel little bits of who-knows-what sticking into him. 

“Ow,” he whispers, because everything hurts. 

For a moment or two he just lies there, forcing himself to get it together. The pain dies down fairly quickly, replaced by aching and embarrassment. He really does not want to have to explain this to his friends. It’s not that bad, anyway. He’ll just be a little bit sore and bruised, and it’s not like that’s an unfamiliar concept to him. He’s essentially fine.

His fineness decided, Nick gets up. His hands hurt something awful when he presses them into the ground, and when he’s finally standing on achy, slightly weak legs, he sees bits of wood and a couple thorns and even a pinecone scale pressed deep into his palms. He brushes off what he can and decides to pull out the rest when he gets back to camp. 

The walk back up the hill is exhausting. Whether Nick wants to admit it or not, his entire body has taken a beating, and it protests against the task. His legs burn with every step he takes, his chest constricts unpleasantly when he takes too deep a breath, and his clothes are still getting stuck on the thorns. 

He reaches the halfway point and the precious firewood he’d endured all this to obtain. Nick decides that there is absolutely no way he is going to return to camp without it, so he scoops it all into his protesting arms, wishes it was lighter, and continues his slow and painful trek up the hill. 

By the time he reaches the top, the sun has nearly set, and Nick wonders just how long he’s been gone. He hopes, belatedly, that his friends aren’t worried, as he picks up the other pieces of firewood that he’d left behind. If nothing else, they’ll have a roaring fire, and he can sit by it and not move for several hours. That sounds nice…

But he still has to make it back to the campsite. Which, after his walk up the hill, is an easy task. He makes it back just as the sun dips completely below the horizon, dropping the wood with a clatter onto the ground. 

“Nick?” Rosalee calls out, peeking out from inside the tent. “There you are, we were starting - oh my god, what happened to you?”

Nick opens his mouth to say, nothing, really, I’m okay, but before he can say anything, Monroe and Hank are calling his name simultaneously, and he turns to look at them as they walk back up the path that leads to the campground bathroom.

“Nick,” Rosalee says, and he looks back to her. “What happened?”

Monroe and Hank walk up to them just in time to hear Rosalee’s question.

“What do you mean, what happened?” Monroe asks, and Nick turns again to look at him.

“Ah. I see it now. Man, you’re covered in...forest. What happened?”

Nick turns away from all of them, feeling his face burn in shame. It’s so stupid, he thinks, what a stupid way to get hurt. 

Rosalee says something soft, which Nick assumes is not directed at him, and when he looks up again, Hank and Monroe have left. He reaches up to rub his eyes and Rosalee gently grabs his wrists. 

“Don’t touch anything yet,” she says. “I know you can’t see it, but I assume you can feel all that stuff poking into your face.”

Now that he thinks about it, he can. It’s like it is on his hands - he can feel what he assumes are thorns and bits of wood and other such things pressing uncomfortably into his face, and some of them sting and some of them just ache and all of them hurt. He really wants to sit down.

“Let’s sit down,” Rosalee suggests, and they walk over to the picnic table, where the lantern is already glowing, providing light to Hank, who is stirring a pot on the little stove at the other end of the table.

Nick sinks down onto the bench, slowly and gingerly, and Rosalee disappears into the tent, emerging a moment later with a first-aid kit. 

From the kit, she produces a bottle of painkillers, shaking out two of them into her hand and holding them out to Nick. He thinks about refusing them and insisting that he’s not hurting that bad, but she seems to know what he’s thinking and shoots him a look that has him taking the pills without argument. 

Rosalee sits down on the bench next to him, gently turning his face towards the light. She begins cleaning off his face, starting by brushing off the bits of forest that will come off easily, then carefully pulling away the more resistant thorns. Nick resolutely does not react at all as she does this, just sits there and watches Monroe build the fire and rearrange the chairs. 

“This might sting a bit,” Rosalee warns, and Nick turns his gaze back to her as she tears open a packet containing an antiseptic wipe. She rubs it across his skin, and it does sting, but again he forces himself not to react. When she finishes with the wipe, she waits a minute for his face to dry, then pulls out a jar of something that is definitely not standard in first-aid kits and rubs it gently over his face. It feels extremely nice as it settles into his various cuts and scrapes, and he wonders what it is, then wonders whether he really wants to know. He decides not to ask, not that he feels much up to saying anything at the moment anyway.

Rosalee repeats this whole process on his hands, and she’s nice enough to not mention the fact that they’re slightly shaking. “Done,” she says quietly, finishing rubbing the contents of the jar onto his palms, and Nick lets his hands fall back to his sides. “There’s still stuff in your hair. Do you want me to…?”

Part of Nick insists that he say no. That he’s already been cared for, been vulnerable, more than enough for one day. But he’s hurting and she’s offering and he really doesn’t want to do it himself. He nods. 

Gentle fingers run through his hair, pulling away bits of pine straw and twigs and who knows what else. Nick finds himself slowly relaxing, the aches and pains slowly fading, and by the time she’s finished, he no longer feels quite as bad. 

They both stand up from the table, meeting each other’s eyes. “Thank you,” Nick says, quietly. 

“Of course,” is Rosalee’s reply. “I’d hug you, but your clothes are still covered in..poky things.”

Nick smiles lightly. “I’m gonna go change, then,” he says, and makes for the tent.

It takes what feels like forever, but eventually Nick is out of his dirty, scraped-up clothes. He carefully wraps them together and puts them at the bottom of his bag, then dusts off his sleeping area. The last thing he wants is to wake up with more thorns sticking into him because they’d fallen off his clothes and onto the place where he’s supposed to sleep. 

“Dinner’s ready!” Hank calls out, and Nick unzips the tent entrance and steps outside, taking a moment to survey the scene in front of him. Hank, Monroe, and Rosalee are clustered around the table, and Hank is handing them bowls of his spaghetti, which smells a good deal better than mediocre. The lantern casts a warm glow on their faces, and to the side of them, the fire crackles and pops and blazes strongly, which Nick supposes is the least it can do considering all the trouble he’d gone to for it.

Nick walks over to the table and accepts his bowl from Hank, who claps him lightly on the shoulder and gives him a soft smile. The four of them then head for the chairs around the fire, where they sit and eat and talk and nobody says anything about Nick’s injuries. 

When they finally put the fire out and start cleaning up the campsite, after several rounds of s’mores and a rousing game of 20 questions, it’s nearly midnight. Nick is still aching as he helps Hank gather up the dishes, but he barely even registers it - evidently, this evening is the best medicine he could’ve asked for.

Twenty minutes later, he’s lying in his sleeping bag and wondering if everyone else is also secretly thinking that the ground beneath them is incredibly uncomfortable. Maybe you just have to get used to it, he figures. He could get used to it, eventually, he thinks. He’d like to get used to it. Because, despite the fact that he’s managed to hurt himself extensively and somewhat embarrassingly, Nick has realized that he really, genuinely likes camping. 

thanks for reading this! all the stuff in this fic is based on my own experiences camping with my family (apart from the falling down the hill which luckily has not happened to me), so if anything sounded a little “why would you do that while camping” just know it’s a product of my weird family lol. hope you liked this fic!!!!

[kyluxtrashpit]

2020 Fic Recap

I really like writing these and 2020 has been a HELL of a year, so here we go lmao. It’s been a wild ride for sure

Total wordcount: 88 109 words (note: I’m subtracting the ‘sorry I didn’t finish this, here’s a summary of the remaining plot’ that I published for a fic in a previous fandom from this since it’s not relevant here). Overall I wrote less than last year, but given all that happened in terms of the world and personally and fandom-wise and all of it, I don’t feel too bad about it lmao. I also have a lot of WIP words of half-finished things and some planning and such so I feel okay with this

Favours, 4906 words, posted Jan 4

This was a weird one cause this is a two chapter reader insert fic, the same story but told with both Phasma and Hux. I originally wrote this for Phasma, but later decided it would be easy to tweak into a Hux story (which it was lmao) and figured people might like that, so I did both. I had fun doing it, even if this is kind of a very small niche ship and trope wise

Know Your Shadow, 5022 words, posted Feb 16

Ah yes, here we are, the first foray into renben, a ship I had NO idea would grab me so hard but here we are lmao. I’m not done with them either yet, don’t you worry. There’s something about the corruption angle I really like, also Ren is HOT, and it’s also interesting to think about Kylo truly getting to find himself and be who he wants to be. Canon didn’t really satisfy on this, but the concept still interests me and it’s what had me writing this fic. Also, Ben losing his virginity to an older man like Ren is just *chef’s kiss*

Public Indecency, 3719 words, posted Mar 1

And my second renben! This was partially inspired by art and partially by just the idea of not giving one single fuck, and how thrilling that must be for someone like Ben to experience. Ren and the KOR truly do not give a shit and it’s really beautiful in a way. Plus some hinting at found family with the KOR. Ngl, Ben/Kylo finding his place and acceptance with the KOR makes me so Soft and there’s so many words I could write about it. Plus public sex is very hot lmao

Beautiful, 3254 words, posted Mar 8

Back to kylux, and this one was an old WIP I started back when the prompt was first posted on KHK in like 2019 or something. I got stuck on it and then left it for a while. I was digging through my old WIPs, looking for something that might catch my interest and boom, this one did, so I finished it and then posted it. I quite like the fic and it’s a bit more in the ~classic~ style. It’s also always a good feeling to get an old WIP done lmao

Choose Your Destiny, 5077 words, posted Mar 20

More renben and this was my fix it fic for ROKR vol 4. I talked about this more on twitter at the time and why I found the story as it was unsatisfying, but ultimately it’s really just a case of rushed writing and playing into established bad writing (e.g. showing a fall from grace by having someone kill someone eviler than themselves). I also really liked Ren and I felt like Kylo didn’t really get to have enough agency in like... any of it. His motivations were weirdly absent as well, despite this being ostensibly about him. So I wrote this, which I think handled how the story should have gone a lot better and, plus, it’s got smut!

(Okay and the rest are behind a cut for length)

Show of Devotion, 2479 words, posted Mar 28

Renben once again and this time, I mean, it’s all inappropriate use of lightsabers lmao. I was looking at the Ren and was like ‘wow that is SO phallic’ and then the horny brain turned on and, well, here we are. I also wanted a side of found family with the KOR and I think got that with this. It’s horny. It’s fun. What more could one want?

Aural, 2729 words, posted May 12

Okay this one... I have absolutely no excuses for lmao. I’m not even sure where the inspiration came from, I just remember I was in an online work meeting that was boring and the entire sequence of events played itself out in my head. It was all I could do to focus on work for the rest of the day and not immediately write this cursed creation lmao. The worst part was I’d been totally blocked on writing since March and this, THIS, was what eventually broke out of me. In case you haven’t read this one, it’s ear sex. Hux’s dick, Kylo’s ear. No, I don’t know the logistics either. But hey, I had a blast with it, both in terms of writing it and the reactions lmao. Someday I gotta write a follow up involving a nose too

Missed Chances, 10 749 words, posted Jun 7

Ah yes, this is the point where my renben met my kylux and created this absolutely enormous peanut butter cup of a fic lmao. It really was supposed to be like half the length it was, but alas, it was not. Also cockblocking kylux was SO hard, they wanted to fuck SO bad, but I had to stop them, the story demanded it lmao (and people in the comments were MAD, which is always excellent). It’s also when my renben series really started to have like, an overarching plot (aside from the modern au fics which I’ll talk about later). I even still have more instalments planned

Free Use, 6971 words, posted Jun 23

Another one that turned out far longer than initially planned, and also my most popular fic this year! I’m both surprised and not cause like. It’s a complete smut fest + my heavy headcanoning of the personalities of the KOR. People like smut, but I also feel it’s kinda niche considering how deep I’m in for the KOR lmao. So idk, I guess the smut won out. I did have a lot of fun with this one and there’s a lot of characterization thought put into each KOR, so it was really nice to see people loving that as much as I did. Canon gave us crumbs, but I just used them to make meatballs

Eat You Up, 1573 words, posted Jul 5

There’s not a lot to this one, it’s really just renben rimming cause the sexual dynamic with renben is so fun. Kylo/Ben is inexperienced yet eager and depraved enough to impress Ren, which is something considering I think of Ren as Very Experienced lmao. I really do love this ship; it’s a lot of fun to play with

In the Vents, 2002 words, posted Aug 3

Ah and this was my first piece for the stuck inside event on twitter, which I had a lot of fun with. Stuck fetish is one I’ve always wanted to explore, but never had any concrete ideas for. This event led to me finally getting to have Kylo stuck in a wall (plus more as well), which was fun. Also I spent far too long thinking about Hux’s vent contraption set up cause I knew he would never let Millie go anywhere that might hurt her, so I had to come up with a way to make the vent safe and here we are lmao. Hux being an engineer and also the most extra cat owner in existence worked out very well indeed. This was also the start of my creativity boom near the middle-end of the year that uh kinda burned out in a not so great way, but I’ll talk about that later lmao

Distraction, 3658 words, posted Aug 6

Another for the stuck inside event and another kylux/renben sandwich! Also featuring the KOR this time! Listen... it’s a gangbang, it’s got renben, it’s got kylux, it’s got Kylo getting stuffed from all ends... this is the kind of fic that, to me, is pure indulgence lmao. I had a tremendous amount of fun with it

Entrapped, 3484 words, posted Aug 8

So this was also for the stuck inside event (yes, I wrote 3 fics in about a week lmao - I don’t know how I did it either) and it’s darker than the sort of things I usually write. I enjoyed exploring something like this though, something outside my usual purview. It didn’t perform super well, but tbh the dark ones rarely do so lmao

Pit Stop, 1505 words, posted Aug 31

Welp, this is just an excuse for watersports lmao. I like piss, what can I say? And I’ve done it to kylux, so I had to do it to renben, and the modern au ‘need to pee on a road trip’ seemed like the perfect opportunity for it. Not much to say for it really

The Deal, 2431 words, posted Sep 3

Ah and this one here was the first for the throwback event I ran on twitter! The event itself ended up kind of being tainted by drama from one singular person who kind of ruined it by being a jerk for literally no good reason, but I’m not going to talk too much about that. Even with that, I still greatly enjoyed it and this piece might be my favourite from it as a whole. Kylo Amidala, political scandals, neither of them being nice... ahhhh yes, it definitely brought me back lmao

Devotion, 1929 words, posted Sep 10

Another for the throwback event, this time with Emperor and Hound dynamics which, unf, yes, I will literally never get tired of it. I really had fun with every fic from this event and this one was great because I so rarely get to write real action scenes, even if they’re in a flashback here. That and the dynamic itself really made it fun

To Be Wanted, 10 473 words, posted Sep 16

Ah yes, and here is my KBB for the year! I did a minibang this time, as, well, everything was going horribly wrong around the time of sign ups and I thought a mini would be more realistic. I think I was right on that and I’m glad I did it, even if I was torn at the time. The idea itself is one I’d been thinking about for a while. I can’t remember if I thought of it after seeing the leaks for tros or after watching the movie itself, but it’s been with me for a while and while I dithered over whether or not to sign up this year, the idea came back and was just perfect for a minibang. Plus I got an absolutely amazing and wonderful partner, which is really what makes the experience of doing bangs so great. I love this fic, I LOVE the art for it, and the whole experience was definitely a highlight to 2020 as a whole, both overall and in terms of my fandom/writing experience this year

Floss Me, 2033 words, posted Sep 21

My third for the throwback event and also the dental fetish fic I’ve wanted to write for a while now lmao but could never figure out a scenario for. As some of you may remember, 2018-2019, I went through some pretty horrific dental stuff and ultimately I think it kinda gave me a fetish lmao. Also I feel like there may or may not have been a kinky flossing prompt on one of the prompt sites at some point, but I looked everywhere and couldn’t find it so. But anyway, it was a fun fic for a kink I think is quite underrated tbh

The Cost of Certainty, 2541 words, posted Sep 25

My fourth and final piece for the throwback event, and this one is also a contender for my favourite piece from that event. I have always loved the idea of Hux being a serial killer and this was a perfect excuse to write it. I’d also recently finished a rewatch of Hannibal and, well, you can see where this came from lmao. I love writing tension and it was just very fun all around. I almost wish I’d done something like this as a long fic but tbh I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed writing it as much

Huxloween Drawings, 676 words, posted Nov 1

So this isn’t a fic but rather the drawings I did for huxloween, but people wanted them on ao3, so posted they are. Now, I mentioned above that I had this massive creative boom in Aug-Sep, but that it burned out rather badly. This is when that happened. I got into this place where I just... felt like everything I made wasn’t wanted or needed in the fandom. That everything I like is so unpopular at this point that I should just give up and leave. That I’ve spent all this time and energy over the years trying so desperately to get people engaged and so few ever cared and I just... ugh. It was bad. It was really bad and definitely partly fuelled by the bullshit that someone brought up regarding the throwback event (and I still believe that they are the sole cause of it’s poor reception). I, uh, am doing better now and still working through it all but it was a really rough time. But I found myself still wanting to be creative so I decided to draw. I am not good at drawing. I am not an artist. But that’s what made it fun: I went into each drawing knowing it wasn’t gonna look great. That wasn’t the point. So I never got upset about it. I think it helped me a lot tbh and I did really enjoy it and I’m glad I did it

Unconventional, 7243 words (in progress), updated Dec 20, first posted Nov 18

So the next part of me trying to fix the bullshit in my brain creativity-wise was to post the first chapter to this fic. This is a piece I’ve been working on since 2016-2017 (I don’t remember exactly when, but it was pre-TLJ, and I’ve gotten a new computer since so I don’t have the original creation date of the document) but I could just... never get a plot together for it and ever since I abandoned a fic in my old fandom (and this year I finally posted the ‘sorry this isn’t getting finished, here’s a closure summary’ chapter), I’ve been hesitant to post WIPs before being at least 80% done. So I said fuck it, I’m gonna post this and not be scared. Is this fic complete? Nope, but the plan is starting to come together. Do I know exactly where it’s going? Nope, but I don’t need to. Is it self-indulgent as all hell? Absolutely. I love this fic and I love this story and I love the concepts within it. So I posted it and tbh, it really helped. And I think this, combined with my writing break where I drew for 31 days straight lmao were really my saving graces here

Test Run, 3661 words, posted Dec 31

And now my final fic of the year! Which is a ship I honestly wasn’t super into (I don’t hate it, it just generally doesn’t do much for me) but then I did that thing where I thought ‘hmm but could it be written in a way that I am into?’ which, in my experience, always leads to me writing exactly that. Which is what I did here lmao. I’m pretty happy with it though and despite it being very strange to write, as I really had to work to get these two to get where they were going lmao, I had fun with it. I honestly doubt I’ll write more of them, but I’m glad I wrote this one, and I think it’s a good experiment to close out the year with

What have I learned?

Honestly, this year was a clusterfuck lmao. 2019 wasn’t great for me either, but we all lived through this and it was certainly An Experience. I think what this year really helped me focus on was what made me happy. I ended up in some dark places and I don’t want to go there again. It feels repetitive to say that, once again, I have learned that writing what I want is key when I say that every damn year, but tbh I think 2020 underscored it even more so. Spite as a motivator, when used to much, smothers the spark of creativity and the joy of creation. The most important lesson I learned this year by far is to not let that take the driver’s seat. A dash here and there? That’s fine. But as your main motivator? That’s just not healthy. And I need to work to keep it from consuming me like it has been for too long

Goals for 2021?

So last year I didn’t set any hard goals and boy, is it a good thing I didn’t, cause I achieved none of them lmao. I didn’t write more words (though I did write more individual fics, and the word count gap between this year and last is about the size of the difference between a big bang fic and a mini bang fic so really, I think I did okay), I didn’t even write a single fic for BTHB, and, to be really honest, I did not manage to keep my love for writing alive the whole time. I was in a really dark place a few times this year, but that drop in Sep-Oct was the worst from a creative standpoint. I feel like I’m mostly out of it now, even if I still have some work to do maintaining it. I’m hopeful for the future in that regard. The only thing I really did accomplish was that I feel positively towards all the fics I wrote; I’m happy and proud of all of them

So what is my goal? Honestly, I feel like every year I have to relearn the lesson of ‘write what you want, have fun, be self-indulgent, fuck expectations, etc.’ and my goal this year is to not have to relearn that again, but to keep that energy and carry it with me for the whole year. I realize I may have to put some effort in there, but I’m okay with that. I don’t know what 2021 has in store, but if I can just keep my passion alive and not fall into that pit again, I’m calling it a win

[thedreadvampy]

Ok so like I don't really want to kick off another round of Mondays argument but

having had a bit of time to step back I feel pretty confident in saying that there's a real struggle in a lot of communities to understand and accept the concept of conflicting access needs

Like it isn't fundamentally an act of bigotry against Person A when Person B says 'this thing that helps you harms others', nor is it implying that A or B is 'less oppressed' or that their oppression doesn't matter. But these kinds of access conflicts need to be talked about in order to be addressed.

Like in a sphere I spend more time taking about, disability and neurodivergence, where this comes up a Lot - say wheelchair users need the entrance to be a ramp, but somebody with balance issues finds walking up a ramp difficult and often fall. Saying 'it's a problem for me that there are only ramps in this building' doesn't mean you think that it's unimportant that wheelchair users can get in, or that your needs matter more.

Or like, here's an example that's come up a lot for me lately - automated subtitles. Some people find automated subtitles on Zoom calls make meetings possible (people with hearing or audio processing issues particularly) but others find them distracting and find it impossible to focus. Those two things are incompatible needs - you can't both have subtitles and not have subtitles in this context - but that doesn't mean one of them is Real and Important and the other is Fake and Irrelevant just because that would make it easier.

One last example of this in material terms - I am autistic and have real problems with audio processing when I'm tired. I went to a workshop in a smallish space, so the workshop was quite near the crèche. Having a crèche is a vital access need for a lot of people; lone parents and working class mothers in general are often very left out of activist and social spaces because of a lack of childcare. But for me, it created an insurmountable problem - the noise from the crèche meant I couldn't take in any information, I was exhausted and stressed and in pain the whole time, you know? It wouldn't be fair to ask the crèche to shut or to silence the children, who need and deserve the right to play, but equally it wouldn't be fair to tell me I'm selfish or lying for having trouble following the session.

Anyway so that's access clash. Different people have different needs that may be fundamentally incompatible, but they're equally valid needs.

But access clash isn't just personal, it's also political, social and linguistic. And this kind of feeds into a recurrent issue in groups of marginalised people where there's a persistent desire to decide in any given argument Whose Marginalisation Matters More and to accuse the other of lying/arguing in bad faith/ignoring erasing The Struggle.

Some recent examples of that phenomenon in the TMA fandom (pokes bear pokes bear) might be:

1. It's aphobic to say that there's any problem at all with framing fat, traumatised MLM as virginal or naive or inexperienced or non-sexual, because he could be ace and that's important to ace people. But fat, traumatised and gay people have a history of being desexualised, given less sexual and romantic agency, and infantilised or objectified as cute and pure in a way that thin, non-survivor or straight people don't. One way to approach this is to say One Of These Issues Is Important And Valid And That Means The Other Is Being Homophobic/Fatphobic/Ableist/Aphobic and Targeting Marginalised People With Invalid Criticism. That's a very easy task to fall into but it's important imo to make space for the access clash.

2. Bisexual people want an event that focuses on bisexuality. Non-bisexual people want an event that focuses on their own sexuality. Everyone's desire in this situation is to see their own experience reflected.

There's this kind of hierarchy of truth idea where anything that conflicts with what you know to be true must necessarily be false, but the fact is that human experience is infinitely complex and variable so actually something that's undeniably true for some people will always run into some friction with what's undeniably true for others.

And there's such a strong impulse towards assuming that the other is lying or arguing in bad faith, because you KNOW your need is real and important and it conflicts with their needs and that MUST mean they're doing it At You, or in the extreme that they're actively lying to hurt and belittle you. And that's a really natural and understandable impulse, especially among marginalised people who ARE often hurt, manipulated and belittled in bad faith. But I really think that as a community we need to actively work to undercut the idea that oppression is a zero sum game; that if you having the space you need treads on my toes, I can say "you're on my foot and it hurts" without Secretly Meaning "you don't deserve space and shouldn't be given it." Like I do authentically need an untrodden-on foot and you do authentically need enough space to stand in and it's not undermining the truth of either of those statements to acknowledge the other.

idk I just think. Understanding that the other person may have an authentic need being intent/overridden (even though the need may not be what they think it is!) is a pretty important part of conflict management. and believing that if I say "ow you trod on my foot" means I'm actively trying to undermine your need for space is a pretty important part of how conflict escalates into oblivion until I'm yelling YOU DON'T DESERVE STANDING SPACE GO GET CRUSHED and you're yelling I'M GOING TO STAMP ON YOUR FOOT UNTIL IT BREAKS

idk if that makes sense but 🤷‍♀️

[featuringthecreature]

The Best and Worst Things About Each MCU Movie

These are all just my stinky opinions. You are allowed to disagree, you are allowed to agree. Most of these are jokes anyway. I’m honestly just happy you’re reading this. Minor Spoilers Ahead!

Iron Man (2008) -

Best: This movie almost perfectly sets the tone for the entire universe that has at that point yet to have been created. Looking back, you can imagine the feeling of “Where are they going to go from here?” and I think that’s one of the most important things that this movie needed to accomplish.

Worst: What the fuck is Jeff Bridges doing? What’s his endgame here? I get he’s trying to take over Stark Industries but how’s he gonna do that from inside that giant metal suit he uses to kill people inside their cars?

Incredible Hulk (2008) -

Best: Tim Roth is in it and I think that is pretty cool.

Worst: I haven’t actually seen it, but the cgi looks god awful, what the hell.

Iron Man 2 (2010) - 

Best: Sam Rockwell is so goddamn annoying in this movie and I think that’s amazing, he’s such a little stinker.

Worst: I remember basically nothing else about this movie except some guy talking about birds, idk.

Thor (2011) -

Best: It introduces Loki, probably one of the most beloved villains in the entire franchise. 

Worst: This movie is so goddamn boring and it’s my least favorite and I hate it. Don’t @ me.

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) -

Best: The first good chunk of this movie is actually a really compelling character study on Steve Rogers and what makes him a good man. Seeing him basically being paraded as this propaganda figure and watching him struggle with this is one of the most compelling things about him as a person. Really wish they kept this up for the entire movie.

Worst: The red skull is really boring guys. He’s red, that’s it. Give me something else to work with man.

Marvel’s The Avengers (2012) -

Best: This movie proved that you can have a superhero team up with this many people and have it fucking work. It doesn’t matter if you hate or love this movie, you cannot deny the effects it has on the genre.

Worst: It’s shot like a bad CW show. It looks so ugly.

Iron Man 3 (2013)

Best: This one is actually my favorite of the bunch. Exploring the question of what makes Iron Man, the suit or the person, is shown really well here. I thoroughly dig it.

Worst: That scene where Harley flip flops about whether or not he really knows Tony makes me so irrationally angry.

Thor: The Dark World (2013)

Best: It’s slightly better than Thor, and I actually can feel myself start to have a good time whenever Loki’s on screen.

Worst: Once again, this movie is insanely forgettable. Christopher fucking Eccleston is in this movie and I could not tell you a single thing about this character.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) - 

Best: This movie has one of the best hand-to-hand fight scenes in the entire MCU. You know the one I’m talking about. It gives me chills, I love it.

Worst: Having the government stand-in that Steve questions in the beginning of the movie actually be a front for N*zis that he can just beat up, and not an actual metaphor for the issues with the government today? You ain’t slick.

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 1 (2014) -

Best: This is the mcu movie basically anyone can enjoy. Anybody can watch this movie and find something to love about it. The characters, the messages about family and learning to be okay with feeling love, the jokes, hell, even the space setting. THE MUSIC. It’s the full package baby.

Worst: Chris Pratt has an unfortunate cameo in this one.

Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) -

Best: I have a couple of things. A) The party scene where we get to watch the Avengers talk and be friends with each other and act like people. B) I love James Spader no matter what he is doing.

Worst: Why is everyone quipping? Why is the robot quipping? Why would they massacre my boy like that?

Ant-man (2015) -

Best: I want Paul Rudd to marry me, best dad in the mcu.

Worst: The moment Edgar Wright left this project.

Captain America: Civil War (2016) -

Best: Introduces two great characters, Spider-man and Black Panther. These two get a lot of love when it comes to designing their characters in this movie and it makes me very happy.

Worst: It made the fandom very unhappy and I don’t like picking sides. It feels like watching your many parents get divorced for two hours.

Doctor Strange (2016) -

Best: The magic looks really fucking cool in this movie. Also, the ending with Dormammu is up there for one of my favorite endings of an mcu movie. Having Doctor Strange actually outsmart the villain instead of actually fighting him is endlessly more satisfying.

Worst: Could not tell you a thing else about this movie other than I heard Tilda Swinton plays a character that’s probably not supposed to be white.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017) -

Best: Guys, I gotta come clean about something. I actually like this one better than Volume 1. I know, I know, a good majority of people do not feel this way, but I feel a lot more emotionally attached to the movie, and that’s mainly because of two characters: Yondu Udonta and Rocket Racoon. Rocket realizing that he’s an asshole but his found family still loves him gets me, man. I can’t help it. Helps that Ego is a great villain as well. Also the cinematography is some of the best in the mcu.

Worst:  No Howard the Duck.

Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017) -

Best: I think the best thing about this movie is just the solidness of it all. No one part stands out as the best because most everything about this movie is pretty damn good. Michael Keaton will knock your socks off, go watch it.

Worst: Donald Glover is in it to tease a Miles Morales reveal, BUT NOTHING HAS HAPPENED ABOUT IT SINCE.

Thor: Ragnarok (2017) -

Best: Taika Waititi knows how to do shit right, lemme tell ya. Taking away Thor’s hammer from the beginning was probably one of the smartest choices in the movie, and this is a movie of smart choices.

Worst: Jeff Goldblum isn’t in it more.

Black Panther (2018) -

Best: Erik Killmonger is easily the best villain in a Marvel movie, and you can quote me on that. An amazing performance from Michael B. Jordan. It’s also the first Marvel movie I saw in theatres (I know, I was very late to the game)

Worst: Everett K. Ross is CIA propaganda and the last fight scene on the train tracks looks like shit.

Avengers: Infinity War (2018) - 

Best: It’s really hard to sum up exactly what my thoughts are on this movie. I think one of the movie’s best qualities is the bigness of it. This movie feels huge, there’s a lot of different stuff to love here. If you like Wakanda, there’s a whole epic battle set in Wakanda. If you’re more a fan of the space stuff, we got a whole lotta space stuff. The best part of this movie is there’s probably gonna be something that everyone can enjoy packed in here.

Worst: I also think the bigness of this movie is also one of it’s larger weaknesses. Because there’s so much stuff in this movie, not all of it is fully fleshed out. Tony Stark gets a lot to do in this movie, but Steve Rogers sort of feels sidelined at parts. There’s a perfect balance that I don’t think was quite hit.

Ant-man and The Wasp (2018) -

Best: I still really love Paul Rudd in this movie, and I think his relationship with Cassie is still really cute. World’s Greatest Grandma indeed.

Worst: This movie really had its work cut out for itself, coming off the heels of Infinity War, so it sort of falls short in that respect. I don’t want to criticize it too harshly, it is what it is, nothing insanely memorable. 

Captain Marvel (2019) - 

Best: I still think this is a pretty good movie, despite what a lot of people think. I struggle a lot with believing that I have to prove myself to others, so having Carol finally realize that she doesn’t have anything to prove to anyone was really important to me, and probably a lot of other women.

Worst: There were parts where I wasn’t as engaged, like the scenes in the Kree empire. That made some of the movie feel off to me, it’s a bit unbalanced.

Avengers: Endgame (2019) - 

Best: This movie 100% achieves what it sets out to do, and that is to be a huge cinematic event. I don’t even really see this movie as a movie, it’s more like one huge experience. My viewing had one of the most energetic crowds I’ve ever seen a movie with.

Worst: I don’t really think this movie holds up to multiple re-watches. Granted, I saw it in theatres three times. I don’t think any subsequent viewings are ever going to pack that same punch that my first viewing had, and that makes it harder to come back to. Also Steve had a totally lame ending.

Spider-man: Far From Home (2019) - 

Best: After ending on such a downer note in the last movie, this felt like a weight being lifted off my chest. Jake Gyllenhaal gives an insanely energetic performance that I absolutely adore. (Also seeing it with my dad was fun, he would nudge me every time they switched locations to tell me he’d been there)(Also when I saw it with my sibling a kid ran out of the theatre during the Mysterio mind-fuck sequence, some just can’t handle that lifestyle)

Worst: Peter Parker and MJ remind me of how perpetually single I am.

[amyscascadingtabs]

2020 in writing

tagged by the wonderful @feeisamarshmallow and @b99peraltiago! thank you, this took me seriously three hours but it was fun. 

tagging whoever has three hours to spare!! but i’d love to see @amydancepants-peralta, @letsperaltiago, @johnny-and-dora, and @fezzle do this, although no pressure because this took me the entire evening. 

1. List of works published this year

oh god this is going to take forever...

i’ll walk through hell with you, chapter 5, 6 & 7

all the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

a single kiss and i’m under your spell

paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans

dust off your highest hopes

i can’t see the future, but i know that it’s there

look now, the sky is gold

look at where we are, look at where we started

bracing for the winds i always summon

just know that i’m already home

there’s magic everywhere you go

we’ve found a love to cross the ages

all my days, i’ll know your face

hell was the journey but it brought me heaven

(three times ‘cause) i’ve waited my whole life

if devotion is a river, then i’m floating away

when all your heroes get tired (i’ll be something better yet)

evermore

i am not a stranger to the dark

in the cracks of light, i dreamed of you

rare as the glimmer of a comet in the sky

21 works!! 

2. Work you are most proud of (and why)

I am really really proud of finishing i’ll walk through hell with you, that’s still one of the highlights in my writing “career”. bracing for the winds i always summon and (three times ‘cause) i’ve waited my whole life, because they were both longer works with a lot of introspection that focused a lot on jake and amy’s feelings about upcoming parenthood. especially the last one I still love dearly. i’m also really proud of the fics i wrote all from rosa’s perspective (paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans and when all your heroes get tired (i’ll be something better yet)).

3. Work you are least proud of (and why)

none! I guess a few of them are shorter and written way quicker than some others, but I always take that into consideration when “evaluating” how proud I am of them so no. personally, I’m proud of everything in different ways. 

4. A favourite except of your writing

referring to the creator tag meme for this where I posted excerpts from the five works I’m most proud of!

5. Share or describe a favourite review you received

questions like these remind me that I need to start saving my favorite reviews somewhere! that’s a goal for 2021, haha. but every comment that have listed their favorite moments in the fic I reread like five times over and smile every time, and all the comments people left me on the last chapter of i’ll walk through hell with you were so wonderful. and the rosa fic. and the -

you know what, I just started reading through old comments and I can’t pick one, it feels too unfair to all the other incredible ones I ’ve gotten. so. all of them!!!! I love you guys!!

I will mention this one that someone sent me in the middle of summer, during a period when I wasn’t writing or publishing so it ended up meaning that much more for that reason as well. comment on look at where we are, look at where we started (in the brief period of time when we thought peraltiago baby would be named Leo)

“Idk why, but the way Jake was talking to Leo made me wonder if my parents ever talked to me like that right after I was born. I've been told the story of my birth every birthday since I was born, so I know it by heart, but despite the countless Peraltiago baby fics and other fandom baby fics I've read, this is the one that made me wonder what my parents were thinking when I was born. And then it made me wonder what I'm gonna think when I give birth to a kid, or if I adopt a kid.” like, I was just so floored that something I wrote made someone reflect so deeply on their own life. and I want to underline that I have so so many favourite reviews but yes, this one stuck with me!

6. A time when writing was really, really hard

this summer was the hardest it’s ever been. first the (rightful) hesitance and reflection that followed the BLM protests and then some trauma and deep depression added onto that for me was… yeah. it took a really long time to find real joy in it again. 

7. A scene of characters you wrote that surprised you

Jake and Rosa’s friendship in i am not a stranger to the dark! I’ve written a bit of Rosa and Amy and feel quite comfortable with their friendship and dynamic but far less of Jake and Rosa! 

“At least this is still way better than... that.” “Literally everything is better than prison.” “True that.” Rosa looks up at the tv, realizing she’s missed at least ten minutes of the movie already. “I’m glad we got out.” “Sometimes it still feels like a part of me didn't,” Jake says, quietly. “You ever feel that way?” “Sometimes,” she admits. “We did, though. That's what's important.”

Rosa can hear someone talking in the background on the other end, and Jake mumbling something back in reply. “I have to go,” he tells her, and it makes her a little sad, because he's good company. “I can't miss dinner. Wouldn't want to piss off the entirety of my fiancées family before I’ve even married her, right?”

8. How did you grow as a writer this year?

I wrote more Rosa! that’s probably the single thing which helped me grow most, because she’s arguably a much harder character to write than Jake and Amy, since most of the time you really have no clue what she’s thinking. I have to think a lot harder about how Rosa thinks and feels and reacts to things and I feel like that makes me a better writer overall. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year?

I don’t have any big expectations tbh. I know next year is going to take so much of my energy “”professionally”” or well, study-wise, so I think it’s the wrong year to set ambitious creative writing goals for me. then there’s also the inevitable fact that I’ve written a whopping ninety-nine stories for this show now and I’m always asking myself for how long it will last. there was a point in april-may where I thought it was going to be the end and during the entire summer as well. so… we’ll see. I don’t have any WIP I’m aching to finish right now. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta of cheerleader or muse etc. etc.)?

@fezzle, @johnny-and-dora, @vernonfielding, @amydancepants-peralta, @feeisamarshmallow, @amazingsantiago and @letsperaltiago all deserve their own shoutouts here for various reasons!! (if you want to know more about why just message me!) 

11. Anything from real life show up in your writing this year?

always, in different ways in how I relate to the characters and different feelings and moments and experiences that would take way too long to explain. but if I could choose one fic it would be paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans. I worked through a lot of feelings about a breakup I went through in this one and they were ones I hadn’t really had the chance to let myself feel before writing this. It isn’t similar to how my breakup went, at least I didn’t mean for it to be and haven’t put any intentional similarities in there (although I guess there are a few if you look for them) but some of the things Rosa thinks, says and feels after being broken up with were quite personal. i am not a stranger to the dark and the way it focuses on healing after trauma was also partly personal although way much less obviously so because the experiences are quite different lol.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers?

make writer friends! talk to other writers! you’ll both learn so much and it makes writing and developing fics so much more fun!

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year

I currently have zero WIP and zero real plans so genuinely who knows. all depends on what my life will look like and what s8 will bring us! 

14. If you could recommend only one work from yourself published this year

all the favourite five, but maybe when all your heroes get tired (i’ll be something better yet). I think it’s a great complement to the Rosa and Amy action we saw in season 7 and it has a lot of peraltiago from someone else’s viewpoint as well. 

15. Year word count

are you kidding meeeee okay here we go.

okay, so adding everything I’ve published this year together… 111 283 words.

😳 😳 😳 

DEAR GOD.

additional trivia: the shortest fic was 651 words (evermore), the longest if you exclude the three chapters of i’ll walk through hell with you (they are 24.6k together though) (three times ‘cause) i’ve waited my whole life, and the average word count for a fic of mine this year was 5 299 or 4 838 words, depending on whether you count the chapters of i’ll walk through hell with you as one or three works. that makes sense because i feel like i’ve written a loot of fics around that length this year! 

[maleksrami]

ORIGINAL → EDITED gif making process tag

I wasn’t sure if this was something anyone wanted to see from me specifically, but I’ve been tagged by @cuddlerlouis @ltwalls2020 and @finewalls to do it so!!! okay sure!!! 

LEFT: animated, cropped, resized from a 1080p video RIGHT: sharpened, colored, text added (optional)

Listen...I’ve been making gifs since the dawn of time. I think I first taught myself how to gif when I was 11 with Windows Movie Maker and a program called Paint Shop Pro 9 and the only social media that existed were fandom message boards. I’d have to manually screenshot the video frame by frame. Nowadays, (and for the last decade on tumblr) I’ve used KMPlayer to screencap and Photoshop CS3 to make the gifs because the “load files into stack” extension doesn’t work in my version of CS5 and that’s how I like to do it lol. My entire experience of making gifs on this site is still documented on my blog, and you can absolutely see how I’ve improved over the years and discovered my own style and stuck with it. But I am STILL constantly learning and adapting!!! so it’s quite fun. anyways, onward.

I load the screencap files into a stack. Then, I use an action I made myself of my basic giffing steps to speed up the process once my files are imported—make frames from layers, reverse frames, flatten frames into layers, set time delay to 0.04. Time delay is a personal preference but I like smooth gifs, especially when I have a lot of frames. I run this action before I crop so I can see exactly where my subject moves around and compare where they are in the first frame vs. the last frame, so I don’t accidentally cut them off somewhere when I crop. Once it’s cropped how I want, I run a sharpening action.

Then I color it from scratch! I used to be big on finding PSDs and altering them to fit the look I was going for, but I find that doing it yourself layer by layer is how you really learn about coloring. I specifically chose clips for this that were gonna need more editing than your average gif that is already well lit with a decent white balance (rip to every person who has ever filmed Harry and Louis but I’m different) so you can see the difference and how I work around inconsistent lighting or unstable concert footage with ever-changing colors and shadows. I usually go in the same order: 

curves - (I only JUST recently discovered what the eyedroppers in this tool can do for a gif’s white balance, so....*clown music*....glad I know that now) and do a minor adjustment to lighten the gif a tiny bit. 

levels - to further crisp up the black and white points and brighten 

brightness/contrast - ya know

selective color - I bump up the black in every gif to avoid any noise and this also helps lower the gif size by the time I save. it helps make a gif pop a little more and gives it some good contrast. Then I’ll fuss a bit with the red and yellows and take out any unwanted tones I don’t want like the blues/cyans in the background or the yellows in the original color grading (why the FUCK is the Lights Up video this way). BUT! This is not always necessary and there are times where it should be avoided. I included a gif of Rami here because I notice a lot of gif makers go ham on the selective coloring and brightening, that he’ll look pretty whitewashed in their final gifs because they take out a lot of reds/yellows and his skin loses color. so it’s important to pay attention to your subject’s skin tone especially if you’re giffing a POC, pay attention that your editing doesn’t wash their gorgeous skin out ok!!!! you can brighten a gif without brightening their whole being!!! moving on!!!!

color balance - this is a fun layer to play with and a very crucial step to how my final gif looks in terms of color. I gave the Lights Up video a reddish tone with this, but you could also go with more blue-ish look here too. 

text/captioning - I have my font settings saved as a PSD file so I just pull that up and drag and drop the text, and edit the layer to whatever my caption is. I’ve been using the same font settings for YEARS and I think that is one of the main things that differentiate your gifs from others is having your own style of captioning. It’s fun to experiment with this!

I might add a couple more brightness layers or a black and white gradient map set to soft light at a very low opacity!!! or play with the exposure tool!!! it depends on what I’m working on, but those are my basic steps!!!!! then I save them set to Pattern or Adaptive (whichever looks better) and that’s pretty much it :) i’m happy to answer any questions or help if you’re starting out!!! 

Idk who else has done this yet but I’m gonna tag some of my favorite gif makers in other fandoms to spread the love @summercohen @joewright @barrysberkman annnd @s-k-y-w-a-l-k-e-r  but no worries if you don’t wanna share all your tips and secrets, fam. We totally get it xx

[gra-sonas]

Hiiii! What are you thoughts about RNM finale! How do you feel about it? I'm glad Alex was happy and I kind of understand why Micha walked out in the middle of the song even though I know some people didn't like it... Anyways! Hope you have a great day! 😁

Hi nonnie!

Am I having a great day, running on roughly 2 hours of sleep and sheer force of will? Debatable. :P

I’ve been listening to Tyler’s song all day tho, that has definitely improved my mood significantly. I’ll never be over the beauty that is this Malex song. WE GOT A MALEX SONG, Y’ALL!!!! And Tyler’s voice... yeah, the absolute best thing ever. I’m at peace just listening to him. 🥰

WOULD YOU COME HOME is without a doubt the best thing of this episode, the best thing of the season tbh. With that being said, I wrote down some more things.

Putting this incoherent mess behind a cut tho (I’m LJ years old, it’s a cut, not a Read More :P), fingers cross Tumblr doesn’t botch the damn thing.

Hmmmm, I’ll admit that last night (I watched live at 3am, which probably was NOT the best idea, but then I’m an adult, what else am I supposed to do other than make TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICES...), I really hated it.

Nothing made sense, too many questions were left unanswered, Malex were robbed of saying “I love you” to each other first, they were also robbed of an opportunity to talk (dear god, when will they finally TALK, it’s literally all I want), Michael was made to leave IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LOVE LETTER ALEX WAS SINGING TO HIM IN PUBLIC (omfg, I’m still so fucking PISSED about that, I’m FUMING) by the writers just to keep the ~drama going, Malex were robbed of a first public kiss, in one moment at the bar it looks like Michael took the handkerchief off, but there’s no way of telling whether they simply forgot to put it on him, or if it was deliberate and he actually took it off and we were robbed of that very significant moment.

Also ngl, Jesse’s death? Underwhelming. I mean, I’m glad he’s finally gone, but his whole storyline this season was underwhelming and so was his death. Oh well, underwhelming is my rating of S2 overall, guess it makes sense for this super villain to go out with a meh instead of a bang.

Blah, I'm still not super happy about the finale, and I especially wanted Michael to hear the WHOLE song, mainly the final two lines

You were the best of me You are the best of me

but since we can’t have nice things it’s not surprising that I’m not a huge fan. At least it wasn’t as devastating as 1x13, or as gross and triggering in 2x06, small mercies, I guess :P

Ngl, the Forlex kiss didn’t spark joy for me personally. I’m a mono shipper, and just like I hated seeing Michael kiss someone else, I hated seeing Alex do the same. But I understand why he did it. Michael left halfway through the song, and Alex was so relieved and proud of himself that he sang it, and Forrest was right there (wearing his Deep Sky ring 👀).

And hey, Alex asked and Forrest gave enthusiastic consent, I appreciate that very much!

I also really liked that Alex and Michael got to destroy the damn shed. I absolutely ADORE that Gregory was there when Alex sang,  alive and looking like the proudest big brother ever (like you don’t even know HOW MUCH I love him!!! ). Tanner’s such an amazing addition to the cast and I hope we’ll get to see him more often next season!

I’m glad that neither Alex or Michael were burdened with Jesse’s death, I hate that Gregory is carrying that burden now, but he seems to be better equipped for it, and I think he’ll be okay living with it.

Also a glimmer of hope for my baby Flint and a possible redemption arc? I like it (mainly bc I adore Kiowa, I just want him back).

The Echo breakup was long overdue, IDK, I haven’t cared that much about them as a couple for a long time, they’ve been lying to each other throughout most of the season, insofar it makes perfect sense that they go their separate ways now.

Rrrrosaaaaaa!!! My girl, I’m so damn PROUD of her!!!! She’s doing absolutely amazing, and I hope they’ll bring Iris back for her in S3 as a real friend. She deserves to spend time with people other than the “alien circle” at large.

M/M breakup... let’s just say I’m glad that particular nightmare is finally OVER. Time for Michael to work on himself. He didn’t get much opportunity to do that all season.

I’m a bit worried that due to the larger time jump between S2 and 3 we’ll either not get to see much of his development, or - even worse - he hasn’t worked on himself when we meet him again. That’s why I really rather hate S2 for him as a character. Oh well, that’s something to worry about in a year, I guess.

KYLE. I was happy about the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it Kylex moment, but overall S2′s done him dirty. Constantly sidelined, stuck in a relationship I still don’t care about even a little bit. And now Liz even played “god” and saved Steph (which in itself is a good thing, but Liz has been doing this all season, and no one’s stopped her, and I find that worrisome.) I guess with Steph being saved she’s also going to be in S3? Meh, I couldn’t care less, but also something to worry about next year.

Isobel didn’t get to do all that much this episode, but I love her, she’s had an amazing journey this season, and I feel she’s in a really good place right now. GOOD FOR HER!

SANDERS! Not in this episode, but damn, I love him, and I’m SO glad that MICHAEL’S DAD HAS BEEN INTRODUCED TO US THIS SEASON!

Jenna & Charlie AAAAAAHHHHHHHH, I’m so happy for them! And I’m excited to hopefully see both of them again next season! They are amazing, and as a duo a force to be reckoned with! Excited for Riley’s show Hightown to be renewed, still hope she’ll find time to travel to Santa Fe to be in several episodes of RNM.

Max... Ngl, I’m not a fan of the character. Never have been. And while Max 2.0 was nicer than Max 1.0, I never really warmed up to him. Let’s see how things with “Mr. Jones” and Max will go next season.

Maria... Let’s see how things with her go next season. Maybe she’ll finally be allowed to have a storyline that doesn’t revolve around other people.

Circling back to Alex. I love him, I love him the most. He’s on par with my other favorite character of all time (Derek Hale, in case that wasn’t clear). He’s so important to me, and Tyler did the most exquisite job playing him. S2′s been a difficult season for him and I hated that for him.

The writers held him back at almost every turn, he wasn’t allowed to move on, instead Michael got to “dump” Alex every second episode. Man, it got old real fast. But Alex’s resilience finally hammered it home to Michael, that Alex is not leaving again. He’s right there, and he’ll even show up when Michael calls him. New experience for him, I’m sure.

IDK, this whole season was such a mess, so many things that weren’t resolved in the end, the lack of a main plot kept bothering me, and I hated that some of my favorite S1 friendships were completely sidelined.

I hate that an entire season was wasted on Malex being apart, especially wasted for Michael who had a lot of shit on his plate I hoped he’d get a chance at working through (at least in part) in S2, but that didn’t happen. He had some lightbulb moments, but overall he’s still pretty much in the same spot he was at the beginning of the season.

And while I agree that he’s not ready to be with Alex atm, I hate that he did not communicate that to Alex properly, and instead left halfway through Alex’s song.

IDK, I just feel like pretty much every fanfic writer in our fandom would’ve done a better job at writing them this season, they would’ve been allowed to move forward separately, but still towards a common goal.

I know, they are endgame, there’s no doubt about that, but I’m TIRED of them not talking. And especially after Alex’s performance.

Either way, I don’t think any of this makes much sense, coherent thoughts, I don’t have them atm. I’ll need more time to think things through, and maybe my overall negative opinion of this season won’t be quite so negative anymore. Who knows.

I’ve always wondered whether I’d feel like finally watching S2 once I know how it ends, and right now I can answer that question with a firm NO. Canon exhausts me. I’m looking forward to fandom getting time to take a deep breath and process this season. 

I’m excited that we get to take care of the characters for the next year. It’s time for some good development, for tons of fics where Malex actually talk to each other, where Gregory is an awesome brother, Sanders adopts Michael and a million other things.

If there’s one thing I’m grateful for is, that the finale didn’t ruin Malex entirely. I’d been really worried about that.

THEY ARE OURS AGAIN, FOLKS! \0/

[lachryphage]

idk

I know I’m getting aggressively upset by the amount of criticism I see and it’s not healthy for me to engage with it, even in these little rants I’m posting, but the reason I’m so frustrated is because I entered this fandom with a lot of love and joy in my heart

really long post below the cut about my history as a fan of the gorillaz and why song machine is perhaps my favorite “phase.” I just want to talk about the things that are important to me and make me happy...

my introduction to the gorillaz was the feel good inc video. I was over at a friend’s house and she wanted to show me something really cool on the internet (I was so impressed she was allowed on the computer AND without any supervision). I was 8 or 9 years old and I didn’t know what a music video was, that’s right, feel good inc. was the first music video I had EVER seen.

needless to say, it absolutely blew my mind. it’s a fucking iconic song AND iconic video. I didn’t really comprehend what I was looking at, I didn’t know these were characters with backgrounds, and I don’t even think I realized that the song was like. a song from a band. I just thought it was some kind of short film, a self-contained story. my idea of that video was completely divorced from what the gorillaz actually are, and to this day it still kind of is. I love that. it’s special to me for that reason, it feels like. like it’s mine.

I didn’t really listen to music that wasn’t what my friends or parents like, and the first time I had music I could sort of call my own was when my sister moved out and left all of her CDs with me. it was all stuff she HAD liked but wasn’t really interested in anymore, and a lot of it was stuff that I got to hear on my own, by myself, an experience I didn’t have to share.

some of the music still closest to my heart came from that CD case, it’s where I discovered the killers and death cab for cutie, which I have always considered my favorites. for whatever reason, until recently, I hadn’t really considered the gorillaz were included in that, but that’s how I was first PROPERLY introduced to the music: demon days. 

I remember listening to that album, alone on my bedroom floor, completely entranced by sounds like I had never heard before. once again, it was divorced from the context of the gorillaz as a virtual, socially-critical band. all I knew was the music. all I knew was the sound. and I of course recognized feel good inc, but I didn’t really remember the video or where I knew the song from, I had suppressed most of the memories from that time in my life. and so that song existed as an impression of a memory, haunting my mind and connecting me to something I couldn’t quite put a finger on.

I had my own private version of demon days in my head. a loose series of images and colors and a sense of some kind of narrative based on what little I could understand of the lyrics. it had nothing to do with the characters, in fact I didn’t even know they existed. once again, that album still somehow feels separate from the way I’m experiencing the gorillaz now. and i like that. I need that to never change. it feel like it’s mine.

I’ve never cared about who makes the music I listen to (and I understand now that sometimes that’s a problem). I don’t know why but I never bothered looking up music videos for songs I liked, sometimes a friend would show me something or I’d be listening to music on youtube and happen across a video, but even then I preferred lyrics videos. I never looked up artist names, lead singers, band members, history of the bands... in fact I usually didn’t even look beyond the albums I already liked. this is how I managed to remain ignorant of the gorillaz and didn’t listen to any of their stuff beyond demon days until highschool.

that’s when I met my who is now my best friend. she was a REAL gorillaz fan. she listened to ALL of their music and watched ALL of their videos and knew the “lore”... when we first started talking about the gorillaz I suddenly found myself way out of my depth. when we watched the feel good inc video (which I’m pretty sure I hadn’t seen it since that first time) she had to explain to me that no, those characters, THAT’S the band.  and I was like, um what the fuck? as embarrassing as it is to admit, I thought that de la soul were the band because those were the REAL people in the video ^^”’

I still didn’t have a lot of context for what I was seeing in the plastic beach videos, but of course I liked the music and the videos were super fun! because of my friend, I would hear gorillaz songs fairly regularly, though I never really sought them out myself, which is why I never listened to plastic beach, humanz, or the now now as actual ALBUMS. all I knew from them were the handful of videos that my friend would show me.

to illustrate just how clueless I was despite all of this: we got the power played frequently on the radio during my last year of college. I found it inspiring and loved singing to it, always meaning to look up who it was by, but by the time i’d be done driving I’d always forget to. I literally had no idea it was a gorillaz song. in fact, the same thing happened with momentary bliss earlier this year.

so how did I end up here? how did I suddenly have a huge interest in the band in its entirety, listening to the albums AND falling in love with the characters?

well, song machine happened. désolé happened.

the song, the video, it felt like perfection. the vocals made a home in my heart, and fatoumata diawara is such a gorgeous, delightful person... and so my friend kind of just shared stuff more frequently with me.

désolé made me fall in love with the new music, but my attempts to love my changing body are what led me to an interest in the characters.

long story short, I started T wand was worried about becoming one of those guys that is skinny but out of shape, small butt and a bit of tummy. I was so self conscious but when watching the strobelite video I thought 2D had a body type that was a stylization of what I was going to end up with. it made me feel so much better about myself and so I thought it’d be great to cosplay him and since I was going to cosplay him, I thought it was about time to learn the backstories of these characters... I was wholly unprepared for just how much interesting content there was.

I had no idea the amount of depth there was! I really was discovering the whole other half of the gorillaz, I went from no character content to more than I could have ever dreamed of.

and so I guess that’s why I have a completely different perspective than the other fans I’ve encountered. I understand why people who are used to having something great are so upset about the character side of things now... but in a lot of ways I’ve experienced the reverse. I went from nothing to a whole world of stuff to explore. it’s fantastic! it’s exciting!

and it’s why I’m so easily pleased with the stuff coming out now.

I entered this fandom with the joy of discovery, with the desire to explore, with the love of the current phase because it’s coincided with my introduction to the characters and thus is special to me just like my introduction to the music was special.

and damn is it not heartbreaking to go into something happy and find that much of the discussion around this thing that you love is about how much other people hate it.

[imitationpersonne]

Get to Know the Blogger

Can be used for RP and non-RP blogs to get to know a bit about the person behind the screen! Repost, don’t reblog!

1. FIRST NAME:  My alias is KumaraDosha, and you can call me that, Kumara, Mara, or something else you have learned I go by. :3c

2. STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: I have an extra half a vertebra in my lumbar spine, bigger on the left side, that makes my back less stable and more susceptible to pain and injury, and part of the reason I had to change my career from being a surgical technologist was because of that wear and tear.

3. TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON: ...I really don’t know how to answer this. Attraction is so finicky for me, and “aesthetically pleasing” really just depends on the person. I guess all I can say is the most identifiable “type” of person I’d be attracted to are sort of...waifish women? Maybe Scandinavian features, IDK. Something vaguely similar to Anya Taylor-Joy’s soft looks, any hair color.

4. A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF: Ice cream/shakes.

5. A FOOD YOU HATE: Olives.

6. GUILTY PLEASURE: Assigning characters of different fandoms Homestuck godtier classes and aspects.

7. WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN: Usually an old, big shirt and pajama pants.

8. SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS: Serious relationships only, if not neither.

9. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE: I might go back and pick sonography as my major first, instead of trying nursing school, getting psychologically abused and mistreated by nursing teachers, having a breakdown and quitting, getting a surgical technology degree after being treated poorly by teachers/students/staff, quitting surgical tech work after 3 years due to depression/anxiety and physical strain, then coming back to school for a third time with past healthcare-school trauma and trying to get a bachelor’s in sonography. Then again, I learned a whole lot--educationally, about life, about the behaviors and cultures of healthcare workers, and about how people are--in those other schools/professions, so I’m not sure that’s worth giving up? I’d be very much richer right now, though, and not dependent on family or in debt. Plus, surgical technology is actually really cool (and still very much a passion of mine), and I don’t want to give those experiences and memories up. So maybe I’d just nix the nursing school, do surgical tech for a few years, and then go for sonography. Who knows, man; life and its consequences are so unpredictable.

10. ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON: Probably not. I am very sensitive to rejection if I’ve been honest or vulnerable, so I usually only gush over people I trust and honestly feel that way about.

11. A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN: I really don’t know if there’s any like that for me?? But I guess The Signal is a movie I like to show people and watch with them, because many haven’t seen it, and I find it fascinating. I also love Tron Legacy a whole lot.

13. YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE: I would choose a Samoyed dog, if I were able to have it well-taken-care-of (which I can’t do at this point, which is why I don’t have one).

14. TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS: Oh boy, uh. At the moment? It’s hard for me to give any ultimate lists, because they can all be terribly mishandled or cringe depending on how they’re portrayed, which often somehow turns out to be popular in the fandom, and that spoils it for me a little bit... You know what, screw the rules; I’ma throw out a bunch--six from BNHA that I favor atm and then a diverse cast of some oldies I still like that will be more than five. Not particularly in order of rank...

From BNHA, Monoma Neito x Shinsou Hitoshi; Monoma Neito x Midoriya Izuku; Monoma Neito x Kuroiro Shihai (there may or may not be huge RP bias here); Bakugou Katsuki x Uraraka Ochaco; Bakugou Katsuki x Todoroki Shouto; Shigaraki Tomura x Dabi.

From other fandoms... Kuja x Terra (Dissidia Final Fantasy), Genos x Sonic (One Punch Man), Akabane Karma x Asano Gakushu (Assassination Classroom), Beyond Birthday x L Lawliet (Death Note, but ONLY from an epic-long series of canon-divergent fanfictions that nobody’s going to have heard of), Yami Bakura x Yami Yugi (Yu-Gi-Oh!), Aoba x Noiz (Dramatical Murder), Matsuoka Rin x Nanase Haruka (Free!), Eridan Ampora x Sollux Captor (Homestuck), Caliborn x Dirk Strider (Homestuck), The Batter x Zacharie (OFF), Sniper x Spy (Team Fortress 2). ...The hate/enemies/rivals ships are kind of a theme, aren’t they.

15. PIE OR CAKE: Cake.

16. FAVORITE SCENT: At the moment, I really like the Snowflakes and Cashmere body wash at Bath and Body Works. Also Butterfly Flower. Also give me baking cookies or blueberry muffins.

17. CELEBRITY CRUSH: They all disappoint me. They’re just human beings, often not very good ones.

18. IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO: Heaven, bitch. (Okay, maybe an island resort or a cruise or something.)

19. INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT:  Introvert who can appear extremely extrovert in comfortable company. I guess ambivert fits better.

20. DO YOU SCARE EASILY: Depends. In real life, I’d say not really, but if you can find a way to trigger my imaginative paranoia, then maybe. I can’t play scary video games, because they make me way too tense, but I absolutely love watching other people play them, and I get very scared, especially by jumpscares (but in a fun way, LOL). I also love watching horror movies (though most are embarrassingly un-scary). I do not like jumpscares in movies. Cheap. I also love reading/hearing creepy stories that are presumably true (that’s usually what triggers my imaginative paranoia and puts me in a bad headspace, but whoops, still interesting to me).

21. IPHONE OR ANDROID: I’ve only ever had iPhone.

22. DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES: Yeah. I wish I played more, but I seem to procrastinate a lot on playing games for some reason, and I’m not that good besides. I prefer PC to consoles, and I have tons and tons of games on Steam (many that I haven’t gotten around to trying yet), but I also have a PS4 and Nintendo Switch. Games of note that I have played a decent bit are Zelda Breath of the Wild, Fallout 4, Skyrim, Darkest Dungeon, Smash, Saints Row 3 and 4, many of the Final Fantasy games... And a heck ton more, uh.

24. WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS: Pay off debts, share with family/friends, charity, invest in rich people stocks or whatever, and also live a nice-ass life. Honestly not sure if I’d quit working entirely...? I tend to get depressed if my life doesn’t have meaning like that. I have to give something back to the world. Besides, a million dollars literally lasts like under 20 years in normal circumstances...? That’s not something you retire on as a young person, unless you’re investing well...which I would need help figuring out how to do. I hate managing money.

25. FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE: Off the top of my head, probably Jane Crocker and Aranea from Homestuck.

26. FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER: Trigun fandom! I still love that series...!

tagged by: @galaxythixf

tagging: You, but only if you like me, even if from afar. :3c