#idk shit has become more destressing recently probably becuase of other events in my life
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having the death kind of ocd is fucking with me recently man
I can feel myself slipping back into old habits and praying to a god that I don't believe in in a compulsive manner
it feels like the moment I get close enough to a lover my brain tries to destroy the relationship by giving me mental images of them dead
forever trying to break compulsions and then I accidentally create new ones
#i think the specific subtype is like e o c d or something??#my family has also known that i have ocd for ages but nobody talked to me about it for. a really long time. which is always interesting#i also really wish I knew all this information back when I was in therapy but also my therapist back then nearly broke the rules about bein#a mandatated reported by wanting to call my parents over just intrusive thoughts that I had zero desire to act on#idk this shit just leaves me feeling fucked up#like its midnight and I cant sleep because I was stuck in a loop imagining my partners funeral and how they would get deadnamed the whole#time becuase they arent out to their family and i just had the mental image of me devestated staring at their deadname on a tombstone and i#left me just stuck there for a moment#idk shit has become more destressing recently probably becuase of other events in my life#like i dont remember it being this bad since i was like. 5 or 6??? but ive had occasional rough patches#long story short my ocd makes me feel evil anymore#<< the death isnt as bad as some of the other intrusive thoughts but its arguably more distressing#vent post#vent#personal vent#ocd vent#<< i tried to tag as much as possible for filtering because this is a lot for midnight on a friday morning
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